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My husband that he is too embarassed to go out outside the house with our daughter

(115 Posts)
gloucestergirl Mon 25-Mar-13 19:41:30

Basically that. I'd love lovely family days out, but our DD cries sometimes. She is only 1 and gets hungry and generally acts likes a baby. Husband gets embarassed by her crying and hates going out in public with her. He won't do baby things like going to the library or the local baby musuem as it is too boring. I am so disappointed in him as a father and feel so sad.

Loulybelle Mon 25-Mar-13 19:45:04

Your DH needs to grow up, because babies cry, and who told him parenthood was a barrel of fun constantly.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 19:46:14

Eww, he sounds like a baby himself

I couldn't tolerate such a selfish and childish attitude

Tell him to grow the fuck up

That's ridiculous...

Have you tried to direct him to any websites with advice on how to just get on with it because that's what babies do and people who death stare you usually haven't had kids or are lucky & can suck it ?

Loulybelle Mon 25-Mar-13 19:48:06

My DD gets on my fecking nerves sometimes, but jeez im not embarrassed of her, thats such a cold thing for a father to say, and lazy too i may add.

I find you tend to get more sympathetic other-parents-I-feel-you-pain looks than the shut-your-brat-up ones!

Though the issue is more just him really, isn't it?

TrishkanOEUFak Mon 25-Mar-13 19:49:55

Embarrassed? Because of his baby crying? How old is he for fucks sake?! I'd tell him to buck up or ship out tbh, what a twat.

moonabove Mon 25-Mar-13 19:50:08

What was he like before the baby?

(oh...and it reeks of 'cop out' to me. Sorry)

JellyMould Mon 25-Mar-13 19:53:20

What's a baby museum?

lucidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 19:53:59

He is being an arse. What's he like with her generally?

elQuintoConyo Mon 25-Mar-13 19:55:41

What does DH do when DD cries at home? Perhaps if he tried/practised some calming techniques at home, he could use them while out and about. What would he think of a sling? Even at 1 they can still enjoy those, our DS loves his ergobaby and feels nice and cuddly with DH. He cries less and is more patient with everything (otherwise, like your DD, he can be a screaming monster noisy baby).

My DH is similar, but not to the point where he won't go out. He'll say, 'oh, everyone's looking', and I'll say, 'Fuck 'em'. Those with kids/who've been parents understand what it's like, those who are young, or fussy buggers can kiss my ass! I really thought I'd be mortified if I couldn't stop DS screaming, so on a bus, but in reality I do what I can to sooth him so at least everyone can see I'm making an effort. I actually surprised myself when DS came along as I really truly do not give a fig!

Perhaps your DH could throw a few phrases, like: kids, eh? oh dear, poor little DD, are your teeth hurting again? Let Daddy kiss it better. Hang on, milk's coming...

That kinds thing, it often gets more sympathetic looks from people and could diffuse the situation.

I'm very sorry he's acting like this. Could you get the support of MIL or B/SIL to kick him up the arse as well? So it's not all on your shoulders?

Good luck thanks

ZipItShrimpy Mon 25-Mar-13 19:57:19

Oh my Lord! I thought you were going to say she was 14 and was dressed in some bizarre fashion or something.

She is a baby! He needs to get a grip. Is he coping ok with parenthood generally?

arsenaltilidie Mon 25-Mar-13 19:59:06

Tell him you understand he may feel useless.
But he needs to grow up and get over the 'embarrassment.'

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 19:59:43

Sounds like he's not coping very well with fatherhood. You need to talk to him about what his expectations are and if they are realistic. Maybe he feels out of his depth. Maybe he isn't very paternal?

(It is worth seeing if he's got a mild depression going on. That can be a factor in things like this...if he's not rubbish with her at home etc)

has he said that he is embarrassed? Is it a cover up for lack of confidence?

ProphetOfDoom Mon 25-Mar-13 20:01:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 20:02:21

Replace the word 'embarrassed' with 'lazy', and you are probably closer to the truth.

I take it that he's ok with you enduring this awful humiliation, OP? Thought so.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 25-Mar-13 20:03:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne Mon 25-Mar-13 20:03:42

Being embarrassed of you baby because she cries is silly... however I completely support him at not wanting to take a 1-year-old to the library or - barf - the baby museum...

defineme Mon 25-Mar-13 20:03:43

Has he honestly never noticed other babies screaming in public?
How is the rest of your relationship?
How is his life generally-work and so on?

tumbletumble Mon 25-Mar-13 20:04:01

Do you think he is really embarrassed? Or is he being a lazy selfish arse but thinks 'embarrassed' sounds better?

If he is really embarrassed by her crying, try suggesting baby friendly places where everyone will be accompanied by a child and half of them will be crying (ie soft play or the playground rather than a National Trust property). If he finds the library boring would he prefer something more active like taking her swimming?

defineme Mon 25-Mar-13 20:04:41

What was his childhood like?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:07:28

My sister was embarrassed by being a parent....when she first had her DS1.

She felt weird and that she was not a real parent somehow. it went away eventually and no...she wasn't depressed. She just had some issue around her identity.

I think you should talk to DH about his own childhood.

SunshineOutdoors Mon 25-Mar-13 20:08:07

If he finds crying embarrassing he might need preparing for the lying down on the floor full on screaming that could possibly occur within a year's time.

Either he's being a bit of a nob or, hopefully probably more likely, he feels a bit out of his depth and unsure at how best to handle things - don't we all? Any way you could think of to sit down and try and get him to talk about any fears?

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 20:08:50

I'm also intrigued by the notion of a 'baby museum'.

Is it historic - babies through the ages? Is it interactive? If so, and your baby screams her head off when he takes her to peruse the exhibits, he'll be able to tune her cries out by listening to those of medieval, Tudor, Restoration, Jacobean, Regency, Victorian, etc babies howlling their heads off. smile

Snazzynewyear Mon 25-Mar-13 20:09:20

Bet he doesn't refuse to do the bits of his job that are 'too boring'. Poor excuse for not wanting to do his share.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:10:08

My sister says she felt embarrassed by people seeing her being nurturing...not so much by the crying but by people witnessing her being a parent and doing "mum things"

I think people have been very harsh on the DH here...it's such a full on thing being a parent and we don't always know how we will feel about it.

bountyicecream Mon 25-Mar-13 20:11:49

My H was like this and I'm sad to say he gradually turned into an entitled, 'the-world-revolves-around-me', lazy, narcissistic eejit. He basically said that he didn't do baby stuff and that was it. In his defence he has improved as she has got older and has definitely grown as a father, but the scales are off my eyes and I'm in the process of separation as he is a terrible husband. Not saying that's the case with your H but how is your relationship generally? Does he pull his weight at home generally?

gloucestergirl Mon 25-Mar-13 20:12:10

Thanks for your replies. I think he is a complete idiot. But it turns out that telling him so is not the best way to deal with it. I have to think. Like I say I am so disappointed and sad.

BTW baby museum is a big space in the ordinary museum where kids get to run around and no-one else cares. It is great - every town should have one.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 25-Mar-13 20:13:21

I embarrass really easily. The trick is to realise that you just have to crack on with life and do the things you need to do in a state of embarrassment, otherwise you would never leave the house. As for not doing things because they are boring - welcome to parenthood.

I too want to know what a baby museum is.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 20:13:51

Let me guess- he's gone into a sulk, and is now refusing to do anything with her?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:15:46

Does nobody at all think that he could just be like my sister was? Genuinely embarrassed? Or is he automatically a wanker because he's a man?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 25-Mar-13 20:15:59

What an absolute tosser.

He is her father, he needs to take a share in her care, he doesn't get to opt out.

You need to find out why OP, in the most neutral way possible, without getting angry easier said than done

If he gives you a bullsh't answer or uses it as an excuse to be uninvolved then you can do what you feel you must. If it's genuinely a confidence thing then he needs to just get on with it, maybe with some words of encouragement. I know that sounds silly, as you've had to just get on with it but if he is a shy bloke (I'm very shy myself & it did take a few months for my skin to thicken) then he probably just needs to approach it step by step. Before he knows it the looks won't even be noticed and he'll relax in his role as a dad.

I hope it's a case of shyness & lack of confidence and he's not just trying to cop out!

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 20:20:33

Another useless father

The world is fucking full of 'em

And the women who cover for them sad

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:21:30

This won't be solved by calling him an idiot. You need to try to understand his reasons and work through them.

^ if it is a case of general uselessness then I wouldn't hold my breath & would walk asap...

bountyicecream Mon 25-Mar-13 20:22:37

neomaxi I can understand embarassment at the supermarket or on a flight or anyway where people without kids frequent. But I can't really understand being so embarassed that you wouldn't go somewhere like a children centre or baby group (although admittedly you might not enjoy it) where everyone has children and so crying is the norm. Did your sister even find it difficult to go somewhere like this?

bountyicecream Mon 25-Mar-13 20:23:45

* anywhere where people without kids

^ and what co said.

No matter how angry you are if you want to have a constructive discussion about it then you need to avoid saying things like 'you always' 'you never' or anything else accusatory...just because it'll only make the other person defensive, rather than consider your point.

And again, if he is just not bothering and coming out with stuff like that then do whatever you feel is best for you & DD in this situation.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:26:41

Bounty yes she did....she didn't go to any baby groups and when other people visited her, she felt self conscious picking her DS up or anything. She was embarrassed pushing his pram, everything. She HAD to though as her DH was at work a lot and it faded eventually.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 25-Mar-13 20:27:01

I think he could be embarrassed NeoMaxi but I don't accept that it is ok to simply not parent your child because of embarrassment or boredom.

In all seriousness, where would we be if nobody did anything that was embarrassing or boring?

If you want to only do what you want then good on you but you can't be part of a family unit, with a baby, and be an autonomous single person, at the same time. Life's not like that. If it was there wouldn't be 100's of adults eating in pizza hut or standing on touchlines or sitting by swimming pools or going to the baby museum...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:27:56

OP please take no notice of those who are calling your partner useless and awful things about "another useless Father" it's obvious that some people have a damaged view of men in general.

Is he a decent man otherwise? did he want a child? how was his own childhood?

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:32:14

Eggyfucker, that comment really is one of most judgemental generalisations I have ever come across.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 25-Mar-13 20:32:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 20:37:29

a father that refuses to go anywhere in the company of his tiny daughter is not a good father

he should shape up or ship out

of course he is useless...is OP to go everywhere on her own with the child despite the fact they are a family unit...or stay in with him and pander to his uselessness ?

Not a route I would recommend

he chose to be a parent, not just father a child

no one is that stupid that they don't know that sometimes it isn't easy

perhaps he has PND...no-one has come out with that little gem yet

My dh used to get very agitated about ds screaming crying when in public because he was worried that we were ruining everyone elses in the venues nice time (ok the winebar!) but after a lot of cajoling he now realises that he has never paid any attention to anyone elses child.

DH initially couldn't see that point of going out to museums etc... when ds was younger (he's still only 2) but now compared to staying indoors with him all day, dh now actively plans things for us to do at the weekend.

For DH it was a confidence/anxiety thing on his part but he's, more or less over it. He's still more anxious about ds's behaviour in public than I am but he's yet to see a full on public tantrum grin

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:45:37

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 20:48:45

No doubt about it, neo. He's automatically a wanker because he's a man <yawn>

Enough already with the apologia.

He needs to take his dd to the baby musuem and run around with all the other little tots who'll be having a whale of a time. Who knows, he might even get to enjoy it become a hands on father hmm

^ In e/af 's defense she does give some very good advice & has done on one of my threads before I namechanged ages ago.

This is a very sensitive subject and some people are much more forgiving than others.

It doesn't help that OP's yet to say how good he is the rest of the time, so everyone's jumping to different conclusions.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 20:49:59

I don't think it's helpful to let blokes who act in such an immature manner off the hook, no

Nor to support and encourage other women in doing so

So shoot me smile

Nagoo Mon 25-Mar-13 20:50:02

That's really really sad sad

I would feel really sad and disappointed and cross work on getting him to be more confident with her. Can he take her for a short walk in the buggy (send him on an errand) when she's quite cheerful? Can you leave him alone with her in the house so he gets used to soothing her?

He might just be a person that can't connect with babies. Very very soon she'll get a lot more of a 'person' and he might bond with her a lot more.

If you replace embarassed with 'anxious' then it's a bit easier to be sympathetic.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:51:33

izzy I am NOT an apologist but we know feck all about this man other than he is "embarrassed" and as I said...my own SISTER had this too. She's not a shit parent.

discrete Mon 25-Mar-13 20:53:19

Wow. I thought you were going to say that she was in her teens, dressed like a slapper and people gave him dirty looks when he went out with her thinking that he had hooked up with a kid, in which case I could understand him, but she's 1?! Gobsmacked.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 20:55:06

Sure it needs to be addressed. But nothing is a black and white as it appears.

pollyblue Mon 25-Mar-13 20:57:32

I was sometimes embarrassed by my dds crying/screaming in public when they were babies. I'm a bit awkward socially and was bought up very strictly to mind my Ps and Qs, not draw attention to myself etc. And being with a screaming baby does tend to make people look at you grin BUT as their main carer i just had to get on with it, and the more i was in that situation, the better i got at coping with it.

FWIW, one of my main fears was that other people would be sneery or make unkind comments if the dcs were making a racket - that never happened - if anything i found people were sympathetic and friendly, if they noticed at all. OP, tell your DH that most people are busy getting on with their own lives, and most probably won't pay him and your DD any mind at all.

pollyblue Mon 25-Mar-13 20:59:41

Eggy would you say i was immature and lazy too?

I wasn't, just a slightly apprehensive new parent.

neontetra Mon 25-Mar-13 21:00:49

For the first couple of months my dh was like this. He is not a wanker, he would be the first to admit he found adjusting to fatherhood a bit hard, and felt a bit self conscious. But he is a brilliant father, totally bonded to dd, and they have a brilliant relationship now. A year does sound a long time to adjust though - could he be depressed? Is he finding it hard to bond generally?

I think the laziness-issue is because he hasn't tried to get over it yet and is refusing to take her anywhere

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 21:07:59

You're an institution, Eggy - a veritable national treasure on this board, and there'd be no shortage of volunteers queuing up to take a bullet for you grin

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 21:10:50

It hasn't just been 'embarrassed' though, has it? We've also been told he's bored going places, and it sounds like he's got into a strop when this has been pointed out.

notquitenormal Mon 25-Mar-13 21:12:10

I was like this when DS was little; probably up until he was about 8 months old. I was very self concious in public and terrified of him making any kind of noise or doing something which meant I'd have to get all the baby-gubbins out in the middle of a shop or something.

I don't really know why, except perhaps that I'm naturally a quiet and restrained person and I was very, very fragile at the time.

I got over it by the simple technique of getting on with things to because I had to and it was tough titty how I felt about it. I would suggest the same for your DH.

bishboschone Mon 25-Mar-13 21:14:13

Omg .. Good job he doesn't have my ds. I carried him lengthways through boots the other day screaming . I got so many looks but just carried on walking . My mum needed to buy essentials for my disabled dad so he had to just get on with it. He does it a lot so I just have to get on with it. I'm not staying indoors just because he cries alot. Tell your dh to man up!!

AnOeufUniversallyEggnowledged Mon 25-Mar-13 21:14:36

What sorts of places are you going to where he's embarrassed? Have you tried more 'family friendly' places? Cafes with lots of families? Countryside centre? Park farm? Soft play? If he won't go to any of those then what does he intend to do for the next 15 years or so?!

pollyblue Mon 25-Mar-13 21:17:52

bish I did that with a dd in sainsburys last week - carried her out, screaming her lungs up, under my arm like a plank of wood. Doesn't bother me at all now. But i can remember when it did. The only way to get over it is to get on with it, yep.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 21:19:50

Susan Wright/Elaine Jones are both names of Pauline Quirke? Or am I wrong?

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 21:20:20

Whoops, wrong thread, sorry.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:21:06

It gets very tiresome seeing these staunch feminist posts that don't explicitly make clear their perspective and assumptions.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:24:42

He isn't a "slightly apprehensive new parent"...the child is a year old

he has said he is "embarassed" and "bored" by his own child, thus limiting the child's socialisation unless OP does it all by herself (which is of course fine if she was a single parent..)

Op feels she cannot bring this up with him in a straightforward manner as she has already tried and "it seems it isn't going to work"

How long would you ultra-understanding ladies put up with a man who opts out of parenthood ? How long would you be "sad and disappointed" but not able to do anything about it, because he point blank refuses to opt in ?

another year ?

2, 3...

Izzy, strap on the body armour, it could be a bumpy ride. I would smile at that, but I feel too sad for OP. This should be a lovely family time, they grow up so quickly. And this selfish man is spoiling it.

exoticfruits Mon 25-Mar-13 21:25:57

I think he needs to get more used to being with her. Go off out yourself, shopping or something and just leave him to cope for a few hours. Does he ever get time alone?

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:26:23

CO, I think I make myself perfectly clear. Which is apparently my downfall in some quarters. What a strange and contradictory post you just made.

raisah Mon 25-Mar-13 21:28:42

Tell him that you are embarrassed by his incompetence as à father & that you dont see the point of his existence!

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 21:29:50

Kevlars donned, sir! Eggy.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:30:10

Eggyfucker, how was my post contradictory?

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 21:30:12

Yes, Eggyfucker. I, too, like to express myself on these threads via the medium of words. I'm not sure what's ambiguous about that.

Waferthinmint Mon 25-Mar-13 21:34:11

I think some of the replies have been very harsh on the husband.

I am a mum and when my dd was young I hated going out with her, I was paranoid about the crying and drive home from places eg:supermarket on more than one occassion when crying started. Just the thought of a baby group or the playground could reduce me to tears. I still feel uncomfortable in playground now. I hated to be seen holding the baby and have very few photos of us together. I was embarrassed by the baby. But I wasn't cold, horrible, immature. I was actually not very well.

I was seriously depressed. Men, too, can experience depression after the birth of a child. Nit is a huge life change and you should explore this before letting ignorant posters call him selfish and childish.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:35:39

What's ambiguous...is that you are not being explicit about your beliefs surrounding power struggles between men and women. You are seeing the post through a staunch feminist perspective. You should be upfront about that as it will influence how the OP interprets it and she is in a position of vulnerability. Its basic reflexive analysis... if you want to help people, sometimes you have to acknowledge your own biases, which they may not share.

Waferthinmint Mon 25-Mar-13 21:36:41

Just to clarify. I was quite ill with serious anxiety - this is how the 'depression' mainly manifested itself with the baby.

Have you spoken to your dh. Are you sure he is deliberately being unkind and not just suffering in silence frm crushingly low self esteem around the baby?

You know what would help...?

If the op gave a tad more info on the whole thing. It's not much to go on really. What there is of it is not looking good

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:38:04

And sometimes, BOEUF, one can over use the power invested in mere words, non ? wink

(and yes to depression appearing as anxiety...I had, albeit when DS was much smaller & i just had to get on with/get over it because I was alone)

* had it

And I love e/af 's posts...because they're straight to the point and if you don't like them/agree you can just ignore them.

It's better than wishy washy half arsed answers that help no one or worse...goading

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:41:58

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:42:06

How does one get "low self esteem" around a baby ?

Unless you have a very good hormonal reason that is. Like having carried that child, undergone all those hormonal tsunamis, delivered that child (possibly traumatically), then had that massive crash whilst recovering physically and emotionally from everything you have undergone, perhaps still breastfeeding with everything that takes out of you nutritionally and emotionally.

Perhaps this has happened to the OP's husband ? Could that explain it ?

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:43:02

Is goading a synonym for disagreeing? smile

haha





no hmm

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:44:15

You don't need a hormonal or biological reason for not being adept with babies.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:44:35

CO, is baiting me helpful to the OP, do you think ?

Waferthinmint Mon 25-Mar-13 21:45:47

How does one get "low self esteem" around a baby ?

By not believing you are any good at caring for it. By being self conscious and feeling that people are looking at you. Not anxiety/depression is hormonal - were you not aware of that? I will try and find you a link

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:46:05

he isn't "not adept"

he is "embarassed" and "bored"

lots of people are not adept...but they try and keep trying until they are

they don't opt out

you don't get to opt out when you are a parent (unless you are surrounded by enablers, of course)

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:49:07

Wafer some poster was trying to say the reason he has opted out of all aspects of parenthood is because he could have post natal depression

I wasn't talking about depression that all genders are equally susceptible to

Op hasn't mentioned if he is depressed, so why are people are assuming he is? Those posters are just as culpable as I am for jumping to conclusions.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 21:50:15

Yes I think it is. Its not personal to you. What I am trying to emphasis is the myriad of factors which could be contributing to her partners behaviour. Snap judgments without actually discussing it with him are worthless. People are unbelievably complex and mn responses don't always take account of this. OP needs to speak to her partner not us. Additionally, she doesn't need to take on board our biases when she speaks to him.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:51:35

OP has said she has tried to discuss it with him, but it got her nowhere. Did you miss that ?

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:52:42

sorry, wafer I meant to type some aspects of parenthood, not all aspects of parenthood. My mistake, there. We don't know that, of course.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:53:38

CO, of course it is personal...there is a post upthread from you that is composed entirely of a personal attack on me

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 21:55:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

What is a baby museum?

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 22:02:01

So you are right as always eggy...leave the fucker. It's like the wild wild west out there. Men should be perfect or not at all. Brilliant.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 22:03:57

OTC I am unable to send you a pm, so will say it here. Thanks, and loving your work too smile

rainrainandmorerain Mon 25-Mar-13 22:08:31

To get back to the OP....

That's so sad. Does he know any other dads? Would he be prepared to go out for an afternoon with another dad?

Impossible to know if he is depressed, very unused to doing hands on childcare (so feels incompetent/judged/ when he does any), if he has unrealistic expectations of children, or is being very selfish about how he spends his leisure time....

whatever - basically, he doesn't want to be a dad in public, does he? If he can't go out with a one year old, he's not going to manage a toddler. Or pre-schooler. What kind of expectations does he have of children and their behaviour?

I do feel angry at him, but that's not fair as I don't know what his problem is. I have known other dads who seem to feel that children are too much effort, or cramp their style somehow, so only do the fairweather bits, and hand their kids back to mum when it gets a bit tough. It is utterly horrible. Not necessarily the OP's husband's problem though....

Startail Mon 25-Mar-13 22:10:51

DH hates drawing attention to himself in public, he hates asking directions or questions in shops. He's not mad on phoning people either. He's a bit odd about being in control of the situation. He'll spend hours on google earth making sure he knows where he's going or search a shop aisle by aisle rather than find an assistant.

Weirdly he's quite the opposite at work, where he knows he's very good at what he does or with friends when he never stops talking, telling stories and organising things.

But give him the, admittedly unfriendly school gate parents or the general public and he's suddenly very awkward.

He isn't great at small people in public he finds them very stressful. Of course he is blessed with the most in your face and least inconspicuous DD1 you could imagine and I'm not much better. We are totally heartless and just ignore him.

DD2 is a lot more aware of social niceties, she's more like her dad in that she worries about what people think, but in a much more consistent way.

DH would admit he's slightly odd in the way he reacts to the world since he isn't shy and is quite happy being a odd ball geek. His awkwardness in some situations is strange.

DD2 is a 100% normal human who cares what her peer group think and wants to fit in. DD1 and I ignore her too.

Dear OP DD1 and I are not kind, we should be a bit gentler and more understanding of DH and DD2 and I hope you will encourage your DH into the world of taking small people out tactfully, but firmly.

I suspect he has the makings of a perfectly good father and some posters here are down right rude. Different social situations make different people twitch, I pretty in your face, but some formal situations throw me and I can't role play at all.

Ethlinn Mon 25-Mar-13 22:19:16

I wouldn't be to harsh on your DH. I have been throught a stage when I was embarrassed when DS cried. I never thought it could be a problem for anyone cause as far as I know all babies cry.. DS cries all the time and a few times I got asked why he is still crying or if he is maybe unwell and maybe I should try blah blah blah (endless list of soothing techniques). I did not want to leave the house for a couple of weeks cause I felt useless and helpless as a parent.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 22:21:28

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MaryRobinson Mon 25-Mar-13 22:22:33

I think that he can feel what he likes... But his behaviour to his child is poor.
Is he happy to discuss how his child is an embarrassment with other people or does he also expect you o keep his little secret because people might get him confused with being with someone who just isn't very nice. It is his determination that this is an ok way to behave which really shows him up.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 22:33:03

CO, why don't you just drop it now. It's starting to look really personal.

CognitiveOverload Mon 25-Mar-13 22:44:01

Already dropped. Point made.

IShallCallYouSquishy Tue 26-Mar-13 07:41:33

I haven't read the whole thread but I think some people are being a bit hard on the OPs DH.

I have a 10 month old. I love her more than life itself but if she cried in public I hate it. I mean really want to get out of sight of everyone where no one can see or hear her. I know babies cry and sometimes do it for no bloody read

IShallCallYouSquishy Tue 26-Mar-13 07:44:23

Sorry...said baby grabbed phone and hit buttons!

Cry for no reason at all and I feel like I'm being looked at and judged as a bad mother. I get so embarrassed, go bright red, was nearly in tears once begging my sister to leave the (very family) cafe we were in.

I no doubt there's some clever person that will put it down to something psychological, but surely if a mother can feel like that, so can a father. It doesn't mean you love or want your child any less.

cheesenpickle Tue 26-Mar-13 08:14:30

I agree with you squishy if it had been the OP who felt embarassed or bored there would be all sorts of reasons that probably wouldnt involve been useless or lazy. I have felt embarrassed-i was worried about becoming a mum and really want to be a good one but a part of me thought id be useless. I sometimes felt people were looking at me and judging me and that just compounded the feeling that actually i was pretty useless at it after all. (my own mum wasnt the best and was highly critical if me when i was younger). I think you need to sit down and talk to him to see what this is really about. I think some of the posts have been less than helpful.

SunshineOutdoors Tue 26-Mar-13 09:37:00

I always found it easier if I was getting a bit self-conscious about very young dd's crying in a public place, e.g. coffee shop to say things to her in a soothing voice like 'ssshhhh! nobody wants to hear that crying, they're trying to have a coffee in peace. We'll have to go if the crying carries on because it's disturbing other people's drinks.' Just for the benefit of other people around so they were aware that I knew my baby crying was probably quite an annoying sound to them and I didn't plan on inflicting it on them without a care. She was a bit younger only a few weeks, I might word it differently now at 20 months when she understands what Im saying, but strategies like this might make your dh feel a bit less embarrassed?

soapandhorny Tue 26-Mar-13 10:28:32

She is only 1 and gets hungry and generally acts likes a baby.

Err, she is a baby.

NeedlesCuties Tue 26-Mar-13 11:05:06

If he's too 'embarrassed' to take her out in public, does he make up for it by having skills and strengths doing other things with her? What's he like with feeding, changing etc?

Does he have a good bond with her and give her (and also you!) good time and care?

mydishwasherneverstops Tue 26-Mar-13 15:22:14

I had this problem with my EXH. He refused to take our DS out in the buggy or in his car unless under duress. Sadly I think it was because he thought DS cramped his style. Although at 40 it wasn't like he had rushed into fatherhood so I had anticipated him being mature enough to deal with it. To give you hope op, over time he did improve but he remains very self conscious about being seen out with a child. In fact he recently took DS on the bus for the first time....at aged 4! Perhaps it's apparent why he's my ex.

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