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I have done it again

(90 Posts)
Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 11:11:01

For anyone remembers for threads about my split with DP of 21 years. Sorry I am totally hopeless to link. I have so fucked up again this weekend, ended up going to lunch with him, coming back home and seducing him ( not that he put up a fight) Why do I do this? we had a very passionate night and morning, this is really bad right? It just felt so nice to have him here, I am so confused. Also something I still can't get my head around is he insisted in ringing his landlord ( share house) to day he would not be coming home, does this not seem terribly odd?

meditrina Mon 25-Mar-13 11:14:55

No: it's a phenomenon known as hysterical bonding. It is very common, and is no indicator of progress or otherwise in a reconciliation.

It's a way of blotting out bad feeling for a while, or "imprinting" yourself after an affair, or just having sex ahead of a likely period of drought (as you may well be in no fit state to start a new relationship on the rebound).

Just make sure you use contraception.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 11:22:01

Ah no worries on that front, he has had the snip

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Mar-13 11:28:47

Agree with meditrina that it's not uncommon. However, it does nothing for your self-esteem to throw yourself at someone who has rejected you. (I'm assuming it was that way around) Time to properly separate from him ... no cosy chats, lunches and so forth.... or you'll never move on.

Beamur Mon 25-Mar-13 11:31:16

It does seem a bit odd that he is ringing someone (landlord - maybe? maybe not?) to say he is not coming back. Do you think there is someone else on the scene?

kinkyfuckery Mon 25-Mar-13 11:32:28

Ah no worries on that front, he has had the snip

Snip doesn't prevent STIs.

Very common thing to do after the breakdown of a relationship, going back over familiar ground. Very unhealthy for your mental state though.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 11:32:34

The "landlord" is his fancy woman

When are you going to wake up ?

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 11:34:28

We were both to blame really, we get on very well. Had 1 too many glasses of vino, lots of chatting and flirting. I know I know, this is killing me, I am a twat. Landlord thing is very very strange, I actually spoke to the guy. I am missing something. This surely is not a normal thing to happen is it?

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 11:35:44

Why did you speak to "the guy" ? confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Mar-13 11:36:07

Rather than trying to work out what's going on just drop him. But properly. He's not a friend any more, he's an ex. Don't you have real friends?

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 11:45:23

OL, why do you keep coming back here ? You never take any advice. You don't want to hear it. It must make it harder for you to have it rammed home on a regular basis how stupid you have been. It's like you need us to punish you all over again. Well, you are quite adept at doing that for yourself, with the able assistance of your ridiculous husband.

It is clear you want to go back to the awful situation you have been living in for years (and posting about for what also seems like years)

Just go back. There is no point in anyone trying to help you out of it any more. You are going to have to learn it the very hard way, I am afraid. sad

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 11:45:55

It was weird he rang to tell him he was not coming back and then just passed to phone to me, all very surreal, I didn't know what to say really. cog I do have some lovely family and a few good friends. But he was my best friend, I know that is hard to believe.

QueenQueenie Mon 25-Mar-13 11:55:47

If he's your best friend... you don't need enemies.

annh Mon 25-Mar-13 11:57:10

Well he's not your best friend any more. He is crapping all over you and you are allowing him to get away with it. Why, oh why, did you agree to lunch with him?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Mar-13 11:57:46

OL - sighs he is using you. He does not want you but is happy to have pity shags with you sad

Please go back your other threads and read through these.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 12:00:23

ouch! I am obviously a weak pathetic person

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 12:03:06

Play the victim if you like. But you should listen to me, and everyone else. You are deliberately sabotaging yourself. What we say makes no difference anyway, so please less of the "I must be weak and pathetic, because of what you said" bollocks.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 12:11:34

Oh I am self analysing really, just don't know why I engineered the whole thing yesterday, I was doing so well actually. Many things I am but not a victim. I am pissed off with myself really

KoalaFace Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:02

Oh OrchidLady I remember your previous thread from when he left.

It wasn't your choice so naturally you want your life to go on in a way you have some control over. But I really don't think that he is going to do anything that is not on his terms. Your life with him isn't going to be what you want.

But as others have said, they are your mistakes to make.

I hope it all works out better for you.

annh Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:51

"ouch! I am obviously a weak pathetic person"

What do you hope to achieve by posting something like that? Do you think that people are suddenly going to say "aaw, poor you, of course you are not pathetic" and suddenly the whole tenor of the thread turns around. I think you have posted so many threads about this man and his failings (isn't he the one who said he didn't love your son?) which have been going on for years, that people have just lost patience. How can you describe this man who has caused you so much grief and financial problems as your "best friend"?

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 12:22:25

ann, there always newer posters who don't know a back history

who probably think all our comments here are harsh and victimising

this is why people post the same things over and over, hoping for a different response, or just one person to pat them on the head which will make it all ok

it's not ok

annh Mon 25-Mar-13 12:27:43

Eggyfucker, I know, I feel bad ranting on like a harpy, as I am stomping on the keyboard I keep thinking I should calm down and show some sympathy. OP is obviously still struggling with this but I remember her posting here before (and before that and before than again) and no matter what people say nothing seems to change.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 12:29:02

No I don't want pity, but I do think I am being pathetic, I need to grow stronger.koala thanks, there is some truth in what you say, though we were both responsible for the break up, I think it because he is the one to have left, there was no choice in that, this is my house. Since he has left I am ironically getting more money from him, he is also making a much better effort with DS. So all good on that front.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Mar-13 12:29:53

I am pissed off with myself really

Glad you are cross with yourself as it shows you are not that weak after all. Turn this anger into something far more positive....by making steps for a brand new life without this vile man.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 12:37:00

mad yep I have been a twat, just trying to work out why really. It did make me happy at the time, now I feel I have taken several steps backwards.

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 12:46:29

Oh no!

OrchidLady the answer to this lies in you but you just won't deal with it.
You're in a complete state of denial about this man who is an alcoholic, an abuser, a drink-driver, a lousy partner and father who is infidelitous.

Yes the landlord story is suspicious. We said weeks ago that something odd was going on there, because why would such a selfish man give up the cushy number he had with you to live on his own in a boarding house?

What you need most in the world is some understanding of why you are so co-dependent on a man who is bad for you and your son.

Why you've put this relationship first before your responsibilities as a mother and the need to provide stability and peace for your child. This might sound harsh to unfamiliar posters but something has got to jolt you out of this morass. If you can't be responsible to yourself, be responsible for your son.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Mar-13 12:46:55

" just trying to work out why really."

Loneliness, nostalgia and a certain amount of self-delusion mixed with low self-respect. You'd like him to be the right one, you had some good times in the past, you've got nothing better on offer at the moment and you can suspend disbelief long enough to kid yourself it's not hurting to be his booty call... maybe you even think you're in control? Dunno..

In Victorian novels young men who wanted to 'forget' would up sticks and join the Foreign Legion. I think you're going to have to do something metaphorically similar.... change your life, cut him out of it and make a properly fresh start. Otherwise you're stuck on this hamster wheel and you'll never get off.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 12:58:04

cog yes good advise you of course are right. The being on control maybe a big part, almost like I can still have him if I want to, if that makes any weird sense, It also does not help that a lots of people in RL think we belong together. OK now thinking of ways to get off this hamster wheel smile

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 25-Mar-13 13:04:18

You don't think he had a bet with the landlord that he could spend the night with you do you? Only explanation I can think of that he needed to pass the phone to you.

Odd very odd.

Sorry don't know your history, but obviously many on here do, so I think you would be well to heed their advice.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 13:09:35

sissy no it was nothing like that. He had no way of knowing, his reason was that his landlord panicks if he does not know, it is very strange. He has only lived there a month. I know I am missing something. Don't worry I am listening to advice it is all right. I have made a mistake.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Mar-13 13:15:55

"I can still have him if I want to"

Pyrrhic victory though, isn't it? Not bragging but there are two or three men I could call right now (married as well as single I hasten to add) and if I offered wine, supper and a no-strings roll in the hay, they'd be on my doorstep, tongue lolling inside half an hour. It would be a fun evening and I could high-five myself a Cog's still got it in the mirror, but would I still respect me in the morning.... ? Nah....

Truth is that anyone could have your ex if they wanted to.... and did....

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 13:19:25

On most of your threads, infidelity has been suspected but I don't think anyone has ever suggested that it could have been with a man.

It would explain a lot, wouldn't it? The sexless relationship with you, the untreated depression, the motherisation of you, the leaving you to live with his woman friend and her husband, the complicated relationships your partner has had with your sons.

Is that possible OL?

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 13:26:40

charbon It would explain a lot and it has crossed my mind, and you know if that was the case I wish he would come out and tell me. I can not believe this weird story about a panicky landlord, it does not make sense. Not sure why he still would lie to me now though.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Mar-13 13:31:32

That occurred to me too - esp when you say that when you do have sex, its crap and that he has ED.

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 13:31:40

He has every reason to lie, even now. He has always had a reason to lie, throughout the history of this relationship.

If you'd known that he was having sex with others and was bisexual, presumably you wouldn't have mothered him, had a child with him, paid for his life, put a roof over his head and made excuses for his behaviour. He doesn't want to lose all that permanently which is why he is having occasional sex with you now after years of poor or no sex at all. But it's not you as a person he wants. It's what you can give him. It's always been like that.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 13:38:41

Now this is going to make you laugh, he told me this man does his washing as does not want him to use his machine. So get his underpants neatly folded on the bed. WTF!

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 13:57:05

That doesn't surprise me at all. This is a man who wants parenting.

Focus on you now, not him and why he does what he does.

Go and get yourself some sexual health tests though.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 14:09:37

I really got to start seeing him for what he is don't I? I always seem to accept his excuses and stories. Just writing the above about this latest stuff just now seems so ridiculous when down in black and white. So DS can not stay there because of mad dog, he is not allowed to have alcohol because his landlord is alcoholic, controlling behaviour.

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 14:19:11

Yes, but his issues are too complex for you to see him for what he is.

It's more constructive now for you to see yourself for what you are and the attitudes and behaviours you've been allowing in you.

This is the key to it Orchid. It always was.

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 14:24:51

charbon Yes I know all this truely I am trying, I know what needs to be done. I think I just need to see him for what he is and stop thinking what if's this well help me move on. People in RL are not helping

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 14:30:48

I don't get the sense that you do know what needs to be done, about you.

You're still focusing on him and why he behaves the way he does.

You have no control over that. You can only control your responses to it and your own decisions and behaviour.

What do you think needs to be done about that Orchid?

Orchidlady Mon 25-Mar-13 16:20:20

I don't know really how to unravel this mess. It would be so much easier if we did not have to see each other. I am going to reread my threads from old and see if this helps.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Mar-13 16:21:30

why do you have to see him?

All contact via email/text re child care/access and the rest via solicitors.

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 17:56:55

You do not have to see each other. Your son is old enough to walk down the path to meet his father and be dropped off by himself. All communication re. your son can be done by text, or at most by phone call.

You are engineering having to see him. You. Yes, you.

Please, work on some self-awareness

I have rarely seen a series of threads where the OP has repeatedly demonstrated such a clanging lack of the stuff.

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 11:22:05

So an update, ladies you will be proud. This weekend was tough being Easter and all but I kept it together. Had family over and lots of fun and cooking, told xdp that he needed to take DS on Monday as I had other plans ( suddenly very interested, to which I replied it is none of his business what I do who I see, so Xdp took DS fishing yesterday. I spent a lovely day watching rom coms and the Colour Purple, eating left over turkey and Easter eggs. When he turned up to pickup I did not engage, put a big smile on and wished DS a good day, when he dropped of did not allow him him, refused to even look at him. Apparently he told DS I was being moody and horrible, oh well.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 11:28:04

This is much more appropriate

Can you sustain it ? Or will there be another "oops" update from you in the near future ?

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 11:48:39

nah he can go fuck himself tbh. Even got a lunch date with a chap I know. I actually thought he looked rather ridiculous the other day. Know will get good days and bad days but if I can get through this weekend, that is telling.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 11:49:46

Indeed.

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 12:58:56

I am getting my self respect back. Too many people in RL are telling me he is taking the piss and I am allowing it to happen and I am worth so much more It was really hard and I was scared. Sis inlaw was great this weekend, all family have been great. Gives me a small amount of satisfaction to know what he is missing

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Apr-13 13:04:31

Well done!!

You know you can do it (and on days when you feel you can't, fake it til you make it).

Detach, detach, detach!!

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 13:10:41

Thanks mad I have cried on a few shoulders this weekend but who cares. I am not made of concrete. It was very hard not bite back a comment to DS when he said, oh Dad did not want to come in as I was in a bad mood and being nasty. Always painting me as the "bad" person. Self entitled cock it was not an option to come in, the door is now closed. He seems to like to tell things to DS hoping it will wind me up.

Charbon Tue 02-Apr-13 13:45:19

It's great news that you're now seeing him more clearly and are leaning on others for support. Well done.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Apr-13 13:53:29

Well done for not reacting to your DS's comment - it must be really hard though and I wouldn't be surprised if he continues to wind you up in this way so be prepared.

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 14:04:49

Thanks guys, actually I think now people are beginning to realise we are not getting back together, they are being honest about their opinions, you know what people are like. I am finding it hard to know what you say to DS, I actually don't want to talk about the twat but am trying to stay impartial for his benefit. Any advise

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 14:07:55

Re: stay non committal

Don't slag off his dad to him. You can counter what he says of course with statements like "that wasn't a nice thing to say" and then move on

but don't get into any competitive tit-for-tatting

your son will respect you more in the long run for being the Bigger Person

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 14:08:10

Re: your son, I meant to say

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 14:20:57

Thanks any good advise. It not just me xdp is slagging of good friends of ours are also getting it in the neck, because they were honest about things he was saying. DS will see through all the bullshit soon, for now quite enjoying the attention/presents he is getting from his Dad.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 14:26:02

Never underestimate the 1) mercenary nature and 2) ability to sniff out bullshit of your boy smile

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 20:04:44

Another tester tonight. Went to drive to Tesco's tonight and bloody car would not start. Now in the not so distant pass I would have called HIM. No made do with what I had and cooked a lovely curry with left overs for us, and having a couple of cheeky Red ( left over from the weekend) I can hold my head up high smile. Find this time of night a bit sad

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 20:10:14

Have (just one more) glass of red and put your feet up with DS.

Make some new habits and routines. You will get through this.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 10:14:01

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop him ringing in the house phone. We bought a mobile for DS, as when we first split he said the reason he did not call was he felt uncomfortable. Was happily watching a film with DS last night and he calls, apparently he is popping around to pick up a fishing rod, at some point today. For some reason this is really annoying me, I just want to see face for a while.

MushroomSoup Wed 03-Apr-13 10:28:56

You can say NO, you know.
"It's not convenient. You are only welcome here on pick up days"

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 11:01:24

I would pack up everything he owns and leave outside front door for him to collect, bolt the door and ignore.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 11:02:59

I only know about the coming over thing as overheard him talking to DS. Have not sorted out official pickup days. Xdp only taken DS out three times. Think I need to that that sorted. Trouble is he can stay over because he thinks his current place is not suitable

MushroomSoup Wed 03-Apr-13 11:13:47

You need to get a grip OP! He can't wander in and out and he doesn't have to stay at yours. He's keeping you on a short rein.
Offer him some contact time - you can keep it short and often if he has nowhere to go (then he can take him to the park or for tea) but its regular, set in stone and means he cannot turn up at any other time.

SueFawley Wed 03-Apr-13 11:17:01

OL, I stopped posting on your other thread, but I have one word to say here again - I'm repeating myself - BOUNDARIES.
Stop allowing yourself to be controlled by him. Set some boundaries and stick to them. He's moved out of the family home, so all his bloody stuff should be gone too.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 11:17:15

mad he has nothing here other than a mountain bike which I bought him, might sell it if does not cough up money this month. The fishing rod was accidently swapped with DS on Monday, why he needs it, the mind boggles. It is the phone thing that is annoying, I just wanted to know if I was being unfair. We get all settled and then he calls and makes me start thinking again.

SueFawley Wed 03-Apr-13 11:17:27

x post with Soup.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 03-Apr-13 11:35:45

Orchidlady... I've read your other threads too but not contributed; you've had excellent advice from everybody.

I think you're unwilling to completely sever the links you have with you ex, you actually want the contact because you can convince yourself that you still have 'something' together. That's why he can click his fingers and you dance to his tune. A Sue says above - "boundaries" - meaning 'this far and NO further'. You can easily tell your ex, "right, your stuff is here for collection, pick it up by x-date or it will go outside and you'll have to risk it being stolen". Don't answer the housephone - or change the number and don't give it to him. Your son is the only person who needs to speak to him and he has a mobile. Should the unlikely event occur that you need to speak to him, borrow your son's mobile.

I think you've felt you've had a 'slapping' from posters here exasperated by your repeating the same behaviour but I really believe you don't see what you're doing. You want answers from HIM. He's NEVER going to give them to you so stop expecting them. Make it possible for him to have a decent relationship with his child if he wants it and leave it at that. There's nothing there for YOU now. Use that realisation to take a look at you as a person and prepare yourself so that you will have a much higher bar for your next partner - and hopefully, as a result, less anguish for you.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 11:52:05

lying I know you are trying to be helpful but if you read my last few posts, I am no longer engaging. I have not called him, asked for help and most def not picked up the phone to him because I do realise to move on I need to detach. I have been with this person for 20 years, he was once was my one and only and it had been only 6 weeks since the split. Yes I have made mistakes but hope I am in far better place now and getting stronger each day. So easy for people pass judgment, it is really tough to know what do do for the best but I am no longer asking for answers. I actually see no reason why I should change my house phone number that I have had for the past 12 years, I think that would be singing to his tune. I going to tell him simply not to ring it I actually was only asking if I was being unreasonble, seems like most of you think this would not be and unfair.

MushroomSoup Wed 03-Apr-13 12:24:06

Orchid I am sorry if you thought I was passing judgement. I'm not. I've been where you are - in my mind, I'm passing on very good and practical advice, not judgement!

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 12:32:26

mushroom your advise is sound and that is exactly what I intend to do. Up until last week I was allowing him to wander in, taking me for lunch etc etc. But have realised that after each time, he then just breezed out I was back to square 1. So the door is now firmly locked and he not able to set foot inside. I was completely stranded last night because my car broke down. Did I call him NO, I am proud of that and it may seem silly to some but I see it I have turned a corner

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 13:34:27

OL, you know how exasperated I have been with you smile but I do think you have turned a corner

Tell your estranged husband he can no longer wander in and out on a whim and you will leave any remaining stuff out for him to collect. If he doesn't, his lookout

Any more
"misunderstandings" like swapped gear will also be left outside

There is no reason for him to call if you sort out a clear pattern of contact with your ds.. If he doesn't stick to it, it doesn't happen

I think you are getting stronger, but it's a sustained war really, not just one battle and all is well

You are going to have to stay strong for some time yet, and be very vigilant about him trying to soft soap and manipulate you

SueFawley Wed 03-Apr-13 14:24:50

OL, listen to AF. This is absolutely what you need to do from here.

Also, maybe not much comfort just at the moment, but there are plenty of us here that have been married/in partnerships for 20 years + and have survived to tell the tale. smile. I thought my life was over when my marriage ended after more than 20 years.
There IS life after you split up but to make the split easier to wade through, you need boundaries, and you need limited contact. Without boundaries it will just take longer for you to heal.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 14:30:18

Thanks for your post Any I do feel I have turned a corner, still have moments of weakness but when that happens, I busy myself with something. I think it helped when I started to speak to people in RL and also found out what blatant lies he is telling and sick little games he was playing. I can see it now but not then. Some very odd behaviour for someone who has left but guess you guys have seen all that before. I have now given up trying to second guess and read something into his actions as none of it makes sense and it was driving me mad. I have asked DS who is nearly 13 not to keep telling me where his Dad is going what his Dad is doing, I do hope he understands.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Apr-13 14:32:51

SueF Again thanks. I need to sit down and make a plan about what suits DS and me. Tell him how it is and stick to it. Apparently DS said he is coming over later well we are not going to be is promised DS some goldfish. LOL

MushroomSoup Wed 03-Apr-13 19:53:23

Hurray for you! You're on the road to becoming fabulous again!

Orchidlady Thu 04-Apr-13 09:38:37

He turned up at 9.00 this morning to "drop off DS fishing rod" I was so busy washing my hair smile, he did not come in and was gone in 5 minutes. Think he is getting the message. Poor DS was upset last night though because his Dad had not been in contact or returned his calls. Poor kid always doing the chasing.Have told DS we are going to make a plan and stick to it, let's hope x can man up.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Apr-13 10:36:49

Don't count on it smile

Orchidlady Thu 04-Apr-13 11:21:37

What man up? smile It makes me really sad to see DS chasing and calling, he asked me why does dad not bother returning me calls, what the hell do you say. Though according X, DS is just acting like this to upset me. Hmmm and DS2 is a self centred git as has not bothered to call him.

Orchidlady Mon 08-Apr-13 14:27:22

So I think I should change my title to I have NOT done it again. Took DS and I off to Devon this weekend stayed in a lovely B&B, first time off alone. We had a really lovely time. Ignored phone call from X. When got back DS wanted to speak with dad, totally pissed up down the pub, not feed his chickens and dog as agreed. so bloody cross. Said it was my fault because I had someone else doing it ( I didn't) apparently he was calling me because he wanted to by me a car. WTF, this someone on Friday said he can now not pay me what we agreed as he has no money.

Sadly I think he is on a big downward spiral talking total irrational rubbish, ( reminds me of when he had his last breakdown, this time though he did not convince me I was in the wrong, so sad for DS. Not sure what to do about the money thing, my view is he can afford to go out and get hammered then he can afford to pay me what he owes

Orchidlady Mon 08-Apr-13 15:15:24

Also just wanted to add, that ALL family and friends think he needs help, beginning to show signs of cracking up.

Charbon Mon 08-Apr-13 16:27:53

I'm so pleased you are making these logical deductions now about his behaviour OL. You're quite right that if he can afford money for alcohol, he can afford to pay for his son.

Does he have his own family members and friends looking out for him now? Because this is of course now their responsibility and not yours. Please don't be tempted to go into rescue mode, because that's what you've done every time and it simply enables his behaviour rather than eradicates it.

It's great that you're creating new experiences for you and DS. These will all build your confidence and won't seem so daunting ever again. It's been a while since I posted but I honestly wasn't surprised to read that your family and friends now feel they've got 'permission' to be truthful about what a millstone round your neck your ex partner has been. Keep elicitng these confidences from people as they will bolster your resolve if you feel tempted to bail him out yet again.

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 17:08:45

Well done Orchid, proud of you girl!! ( You may recognise me from prev posts) Keep up the good work, don't let him weasel back in.
About your son being self centred, I was like; Shocked:
If he says this again tell him if that's the case the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! How dare he!
In meeting my ex now I have a clipboard and notes sit him opposite me ( on a slightly lower chair Big grinsmile offer him tea and coffee as I would a client or customer. Let him know you mean business. I was advised to meet somewhere public but at that stage felt if I disolved into floods of tears would not be comfortable. But if you think you can do it would be in YOUR best interests.
Keep it business like and be strong. He may need help, not yours though!!

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 17:10:21

BTW I would start a new thread as when I saw this and it was you thought, NOOOOO not again, was about to give you a stern talking to!! Glad it was not the case xx

Orchidlady Mon 08-Apr-13 17:55:19

Anger and disgust are taking over ( mixed with a tiny bit of pity) He has just called DS whilst we were out, pretty obvious he has no recollection of conversation with DS or me yesterday afternoon, desperate to fish for info so he can get his pathetic story right. charbon don't worry have not intention of going into rescue mode, everytime he lies to DS, drunkenly rants at me, my heart hardens. Even had the cheek to say I was coming on to him when came to pickup DS on Friday, I just had to ask SIL what the hell he is talking about ( she was here), she said I did not move from my chair and he has MH problems clearly( see even now I falter and doubt myself, but getting so much stronger.) I think he is seriously deluded ill

Orchidlady Mon 08-Apr-13 18:01:19

over according to him, DS2 is a liar and just trying to make things difficult, DS1 is selfish, DB is a drunk, our friends are all liars and making up stories about him, my mother is a bitch. Funny everyone is wrong. I really hate DS2 seeing him but know if I stop contact then DS will blame me. Sure he will start to see the light all by himself at some point

Charbon Mon 08-Apr-13 18:16:02

The thing to remember is that selfish abusers are as likely to become ill as kind, selfless individuals. So not all of this behaviour - perhaps even any of it - is because he is ill. A significant proportion of his behaviour is because of his personality. Individuals with positive personalities and responsible attitudes also tend to get treatment when their illness threatens not just their own lives but those of others around them. Selfish abusive characters however refuse to get treatment and believe that everyone around them is in the wrong.

Orchidlady Tue 09-Apr-13 12:13:23

charbon you are of course right. He has a serious personality flaw and seeing him more and more for what he is. I actually feel sorry for him, perhaps I used to confuse pity for love, I don't know. My flaw is that I always believe the best in people and used to believe his lies as he was very convincing.

Orchidlady Tue 09-Apr-13 17:34:47

Feeling really angry/upset this afternoon. Don't really know why as starting see what a complete prat he really is. He has been down the pub, telling people all kinds of stories, apparently I look like Lara Croft, he has owned multi million pound businesses around the world, telling people I earn 20K a month, that he had bought the house but just handed over the keys because could not stand living with me anymore ( mortgage in my name). I actually feel embarrassed and sorry for my son that his dad is such a complete looney. People are beginning to talk and laugh at him, as it is all totally unbelievable.I have heard this now from 3 separate sources so know it is true Sorry needed to get off my chest. Why do I blush when I hear these stories

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