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Partner moved out yesterday, I'm distraught. We have a daughter. Help me cope please

(84 Posts)
Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:07:02

Just that really.
He moved out yesterday, we ended our relationship 2 weeks ago, he's gone to live with his mum and I'm really struggling.
We were together for 5 years and we have a 2 yr old daughter, I moved 250 miles away from everything I knew to be with him and now he's gone and I'm here on my own with our daughter.
I can't move back home as she needs to see her dad and I don't want to make their relationship difficult. I also have a good job and she's in a really good nursery.
Even though I instigated this after our argument on mothers day I still have this hole in my stomach, I feel empty and alone and the thought of him not loving me anymore is unbearable at this stage.
What are the next steps for me? How can I keep motivated and happy for the sake of our daughter? How the hell do I cope?
Thanks in advance.

pinkpaws Sun 24-Mar-13 19:14:11

Hello take it slow real slow one day at a time i know that sound stupid but honest just plan from day to day . Dont put yourself under pressure to have any answers at moment. And stay in close contact with your family even if they are far away. And take heart that many many people have been where you are now and have moved on and are happy and loved.

Georgebooboo Sun 24-Mar-13 19:15:18

Hello, sorry to head about your situation. I am I. Exactly the same situation . My husband left me on Tuesday, so I'm at home with my five month old little boy. I'm happy to chat by pm if it helps x

Georgebooboo Sun 24-Mar-13 19:16:19

Sorry about the spelling mistakes!

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:20:15

hi pinkpaws, thanks for that. That's the thing, I know so many people who have been where I am and got through it. When we were together I visualised actually being on my own and played out scenarios in my head. But now it's happened, it's knocked the wind right out of me.
We've arranged money and visits but everytime we speak (we've only spoken 3 times today as our daughters not been well) I just cry, and he's being so hard!
He's round at his mums, Sunday dinners with the whole family and I'm here at home on my own with poorly child - normally I'd be there with them.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself but it's actually quite nice to get this out.

raskolnikov Sun 24-Mar-13 19:20:37

You've been very strong getting this far, just wanted to hold your hand and say well done! Things are not going to be easy for a while, but you've done the right thing and you're putting your daughter first which is brilliant.

If I were you, the first thing I'd do is write a list of all the reasons why you had to ask him to move out. This is for you to look at when you have moments of weakness and need reassurance.

Do you have friends locally in RL? This is the time to lean on them and make a new social life for yourself so that you don't keep on thinking about what's in the past now. Are you working part-time or full-time? That is at least a distraction and something to keep you busy. Try and get out to toddler groups, coffee mornings etc, anything to take your mind off it, if you can fit these things in, of course. Can you take time off work to visit family/friends etc?

It will get better but you've been very brave... ((((hugs))))

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:22:26

Oh Georgeboo sorry to hear that. We're in the same boat unfortunately but we can keep each other sane. I'm happy to chat, message me anytime.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:23:29

Hi

I split with my H at the end of last year. The early days were horrid but there came a point when I realised I hadnt cried for a whole week.

Seems there are so many of us going through the same and reading this board has helped me lots. Just reading about others made me feel less alone.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:25:47

hi raskolnikov, I don't have anyone in RL (it was my sister who recommended I come here) everyone I have is connected to him or a work colleague.
I work full time in quite a high powered job, so no time off anytime soon, but our daughter is in nursery FT too so the weekdays will be fine I expect, it's just the long drawn out weekends really.

pinkpaws Sun 24-Mar-13 19:26:35

Me again its ok to feel sorry for yourself (WELL A DAY OR SO) then its time to just get on . Is possible that with your little one poorly you are abit scared and unsure at the moment . Thats also normal trust me once the day to day life of being a single parent kicks in you will not have time to wallow lol. Its not that bad in truth it give you a second chance to try again at some point. And next time you will make a better diffterent choice .

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:27:58

Another one here....ended it yesterday...have a 2 year old and an 8 month old. Holding your hand. One day at a time is my new motto xxxxx

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:29:55

I love the idea of writing a list of the reasons why I asked him to leave. I've been going over these in my head and at times I feel good. For example, yesterday I threw out an old rug that we fought about, and after I'd done it I felt great. I moved the furniture around, bought a couple of nick nacks for the kitchen, just showing that the house is my own and I don't have to answer to him anymore.
It's just the not being loved part. I sound so needy and pathetic wondering who would want me or where the next hug is coming from. Needy yes I know.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 24-Mar-13 19:30:46

thanks and wine for all you lovely ladies going through this.

I am about 6 months in to my Ex leaving. Have to say I feel great! I am so much happier and loving having my own house and space.

It is hard, I lost my mind for about 3months, but it does get easier, then it gets better I promise smile

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 24-Mar-13 19:32:44

Another one here to [groan] my resolve is weakening feel really lonely actually and I was used to being on my own.

Going to have to start planning weekend treats like take aways, lunches out, buying my own flowers, taking the dc places, more effort with friends and family.

Next weekend is busy have family coming round saterday for a roast and a birthday party sunday so only the mon and fri bank holiday to deal with.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:33:08

Oxen - I did similar when my H left. New rug for my bedroom and a few other new bits. A picture to replace a wedding photo etc. oh and I've lost nearly 3 stone and dropped 2 dress sizes - a happy side effect smile

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:33:16

One day at a time indeed.
I flit between anger, sadness and determination to succeed.

there is a family party next weekend and they've been calling me to make sure I go. What would you do? He's going to be there?
I don't want to upset his family as I do love them and we get on really well, would it be weird if I went?

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:34:39

Ha, funny you mention that. I've already lost half a stone!!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:35:57

I keep having mini panics about my DCs not seeing their dad every day. I saw a pic on fbook today of a dad holding a bday cake while a little girl blew the candles. Suddenly thought that my DCs will prob never celebrate a bday with both parents. Feel so sad and very guilty.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:36:36

I've lost 6 pounds in about 3 days....result smile

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:39:46

Going to a party with him there will be difficult - make sure whatever you do its is your choice.

I attended. Family event with him the other month and our teens. I made sure I put my best frock on and even my teens said I looked fab. Was hard but it was doable as we are trying to be friends.

I also went somewhere yesterday where I saw lots of people I havent seen since the split and there was a flick of 'jealousy' when he saw me being greeted by then and especially when a few of our friends commented on how I was looking - made me feel good. Oddly the potential OW couldn't meet my eye ;) (silly bitch)

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:41:51

Mamma - if he is decent you can do the birthday thing as a family. We have done with one of ours (much older than yours i know). To anyone else we looked like a normal family that day. Though obvious H went home after we'd had cake etc - apparently he cried - his fault not mine ;)

PullyWoolOver Sun 24-Mar-13 19:45:33

Hi OP, just wanted to say I'm also here for hand holding. My P left a few weeks ago so I know just how you feel. I'm also alone with a young DD in an area I don't know many people.

Writing a list of reasons why it wasn't working sounds good, I might try that.

Am also around to chat if you need to - I reckon we need all the support we can get right now!

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:46:49

see that's what I'm thinking, go to the party and try to look stunning and happy, he's an awkward bugger so won't be in same room as me (it's a house party) but I think as long as I'm the one not giving any ammunition for him or anyone to hold against me then I'll be doing ok.

He's also coming to the house tomorrow evening to see our daughter and bathe and put her to bed, but I'll be in my work suit and looking ok (I hope)

he knows I still love him and he's heard/seen me crying these past few days but I just need to hold it together.

goodenuffmum Sun 24-Mar-13 19:47:50

Hi,
Another one going through it...I am 1 month in and feeling ok(ish)

He's another one who ran back to mummy's. hmm

He called round today unexpectedly and I didnt get that horrible sick feeling in my stomach, so Im guessing I am doing ok. smile

I got some tough (but spot on!) advice here in the early days but could only get up the courage to get him to leave after 3months of silent living in the same house.

The advice I followed was to take it one day at a time, eat and not to make big decisions. I wrote a list of the reasons he drove me crazy (it ended up a long list!) and I look at it when I am feeling sorry for myself.

During the bad days I reminded myself that the world is full of divorced women and I don't see them walking around crying so they must get through it grin

Good luck xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:47:57

Thanks dot. Yes, I did think that. It's just I have no first hand experience of this....suddenly I'm trying to imagine what parents evenings and sports days are like...

I expect it will feel normal by the time we cone to those things.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:50:12

my heart wants him back, my head knows this is for the best. we've been living like strangers for months.

not that i want to gain from anyone elses misfortune, it's a bit of a comfort to know im not the only one going through this, and who knows maybe in a few months time we can revisit this thread and be proud of ourselves

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:50:24

Why are they such bastards? Mine has seen me really sobbing my heart out and how he can just watch beggars belief. Certainly not the man I thought I knew.

Right tomorrow is a new week and I am determined that it will be a good one for me and the boys. No tears and a strong Mum.

Making plans for the easter weekend - out with friends and a meal with my family. He can come here and sort more of his stuff out - I am determined to be strong about it especially after talking to people on here tonight.

Xxx

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:51:56

mamma, i do that too. I'm not sure if my tears are for what I've lost or for what I'll never have

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:53:16

he thinks (and told me) that I'll fail. I'm adamant to prove him otherwise.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:57:46

To the ladies who are going through the same - what happened if you don't mind me asking?

We met in odd circumstances 5 years ago, moved in really quickly and even in those early days there were warning signs that he was pretty unstable. I liked the way he made me feel, he said the right things and I moved all the way down here to be with him. We've never had it easy, through various things but if I'm completely honest I just don't think we've had room for each other since we had our daughter. Not that I'm blaming her, she's my life and my greatest accomplishment

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:58:45

Dot....mine too. I sobbed and sobbed the other night. He didn't flinch. Actually that was a moment where I just thought "what the f am I doing here???"......

Come on ladies.....we can do this smile xxx

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 20:00:22

There is a Robbie William song called 'Sexed Up' that I've been singing. This certain part sticks out.

'Screw you, I never liked your taste anyway, I chose you and that's all gone to waste, It's Saturday I'll go out and find another you'

Not that I want anyone else at the moment, but I'm having fun planning my lonely hearts ad in my head

raskolnikov Sun 24-Mar-13 20:01:19

If he thinks you'll fail, that's all you need to make sure you succeed. I'm a lot further along than you, single mum with 3 teens, but I'm so glad they're with me, I've been to parties, and a funeral that XH and his gf were at, held my head high and had lots of back up and support from family and friends - my kids keep me sane, I look at them and know I'm doing the right thing - its tough (very, very tough still at times, like yesterday, another story..) but it would have been worse to have stayed with him - he was turning into his father!

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 20:01:21

Too right we can!

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 20:01:28

Oxen - due tomvarious reasons - health/work we have had a tough few years and drifted apart and taken each other forgranted - might have been able to salvage things till his head was turned by another woman. Suddenly he no longer loved me and moved out! Nothing has happened with this woman apparantely but they are close. Oh did I mention she is young enough to be his daughter. Basically a middle life crisis.

Suspect he will end up all alone as she wont want a nearly 50 year old with a pot belly who snores and farts.

Actually nor do I reading that description!!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 20:02:50

We've been together for 7 years. We had two babies in 2 years.....basically he seemed to change when dd1 was born, withdrew affection etc. Anyway, since about October he's been pretty much doing his own thing, staying out til early hours without a text to let me kno etc. Few weeks back had an inkling he was cheating, found some evidence- complete denial. Denying the undeniable. I asked him to leave Friday as he's utter disrespect in even discussing my accusations were the final nail.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 20:05:42

ha ha Dot - no you can do much better!

I'm sorry there was a third party involved, I wonder how soon it will be before he gets back on the horse so to speak.

McPheetStink Sun 24-Mar-13 20:06:54

Another one here

Partner left us a month ago, and is cocklodging with his new 'friend'. I'm left with his 8 month old daughter.

It's like a bereavement, in terms of the swinging emotions and the pain of what is lost. That's how it was described to me by a counsellor.

Be strong xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 20:12:07

Oxen....same here with regards to heart v head. So hard. Xxxx

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 20:13:19

sorry to hear that MPheetStink, come join us!!

I thought a bereavement would be easier. When people die, they are gone forever and there is nothing you can do. He's chosen to leave me and our daughter and will go on living his life cutting me out.

He'll be around for our daughter I'm pretty sure of it, but I need to be pretty damn strong not to break down and let him think I'm failing. The bastard!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 20:13:54

I'm gonna write my list tomorrow. Loving the list idea!

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 20:16:42

So, for me this is Day 1 and I've gone from waking up strong and determined to a bawling mess (even on the phone to him!) but after all the crying I took myself off for another shower, did my hair and have spent the rest of the day just tidying round and caring for our daughter.

All in all, on a scale of one to ten I've gone from 3 to a 6. That's with your help. Thanks

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 20:20:45

wouldn't it be fun to put our lists on here?

I wouldn't suggest writing the whole list in one post, buts just a few bits and pieces to keep us all going?

1. the fact that 4 hours after our daughter was born we fought because he wanted to go to the pub and watch footie meaning I would be left on my own after 36 hours labour with a newborn. I spent that day in hospital with him feeling rotten that we'd fought and we were not speaking. It should've been a lovely time to look back on.

In actual fact, when he left later that evening I relished the time on my own in hospital with my baby

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 24-Mar-13 20:24:06

See I could be with my dick head if I was willing to shut up and go with the flow, makes it hard because I have this big doubt that I'm doing the right thing leaving him. He is really lovely most of the time...

My head, MN, family and friends say LTB but I am so embarrassingly needy about him even if I don't show it. Keep thinking why go through this when you can just be with him.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 20:47:07

Ok....so....the list.....er...oh yeah

2 babies in 2 years, I'm under my pre preg weight, small size 12, average attractiveness but do scrub up well. Went out for a big girls night at Xmas, first big night out since dc2 born in July. I dressed up big time. Did he compliment me!?? Did he fuck. Not a word. I get to the bar where the girls all were....every single one complimented me, couldn't believe how great I looked etc etc. What a bastard.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 21:19:28

sorry, my daughter was just sick, poor thing is knackered and has gone back to bed, I'm really worried about her

my first thought - phone her dad for help, immediate thought afterwards, fuck him!
I would sort it on my own anyway if he was around, all he'd do is command what should be done, how it should be done etc.

But, one thing did come to mind. I need to have my house better prepared for these things i.e new fresh bedding ready and in its place for when this happens again. At the moment I've had to use non matching duvet covers pillow cases etc.

So that's on my list of things to do. Be. More. Organised.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 21:32:46

My daughter has sickness bug too sad came on last night. Hope yours feels better soon.

Listen lovely, give yourself a break!! Mis matching duvet covers aren't a crime!! Haha, sounds like you're doing brilliantly. Know what u mean, I got a bit stressed last night, stripping sheets, getting her changed but I actually would've done it all anyway. Like you say, just with a barrage of 'helpful suggestions'.....

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 21:42:15

ha ha, how silly I've just read about my mis matching duvet covers and laughed at my own silliness!

We shouldn't doubt ourselves. We're the mummies, we are programmed to just do it!

Hope your wee one feels better soon.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 21:48:56

Not silly just shows you are on top of your game if that's all you need to get sorted in the house. Well done you.

Hope you have a good night with DD and you get some sleep.

Hugs x

whateverhernameis Sun 24-Mar-13 21:50:11

Dot - I could have written your post there almost word for word, except we only had a stressful couple of months before he walked out suddenly after announcing he no longer loved me. Younger woman,XH almost 50....

They are just walking cliches.

A very wise woman said on my thread on here,

"Grief is the price we pay for love"

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 21:51:20

Hope those with sick little ones have a better night tonight.

Mismatched is my middle name ;)

Am watching a film with one teen and having a glass of wine smile

Then off to bed armed with my hot water bottle.

saravalerie Sun 24-Mar-13 21:57:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 22:00:47

Do you think your friend has a spell to change him into a frog?? That's all I'm interested in.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 22:08:27

Hi ladies, do you mind if I join you?

My husband left on thursday, in the back of a police car.

Yes I called the police, hoping they would remove him.
Yes in my head I had imagined all the scenarios of being without him - so far so good.

Unfortunately reality isn't quite measuring up, my mother toxic narc won't have a word said against him, he's already been over there with his woe is me routine. Dd1 doesn't want to take sides, but by doing so is, iyswim.

Dd2 (3) bewildered by it all, mummy turning into a big sobbing ball of snot today, not tears for him, but tears for what should have been.

I was a single parent for many years to dd1, don't remember it ever hurting like this.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 22:13:12

Oh BeingAWife, that's awful. Sorry to hear that.

I should've phoned the police on mothers day (night) too, you wonder what goes through their minds when they can be abusive or violent.

Afterwards, I asked him what he was thinking just moments before he decided to bust my nose and he said 'I hate you you little bitch'

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 22:17:48

What do you do when the man you love just punches you square in the face?

Of course we'd been arguing, he was drunk and abusive, I took his whisky off him and started to pour it down the sink and he punched me.

I hit him back and I'm not proud of it, I should've rung the police or I should've just went back to bed. The image in my mind of the two of us wrestling on the kitchen floor will haunt me forever. If our daughter was ever to see that...

That's why I know I'm doing the right thing.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 22:20:31

sorry about that TMI post, I hope I've not scared anyone off.

This has been good for me tonight. Therapy in my own front room xx

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 22:38:10

Oxen I'm glad you sad the therapy part, I thoughtI'd just re-opened a nasty can of worms for you.

Luckily my twunt didn't get that far, as much as he possibly wantedvtoo.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 22:39:03

How many spelling mistakes???? grin

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 08:49:01

Morning oxen. Hope you managed to get some sleep. How are you feeling today? What have you got planned?

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 08:58:24

Hi mamma, well I had planned to go to work and place dd in nursery but she's too ill to go in to nursery, so after calling round limited amounts of people who could help and being told No (they had work or other commitments) I'm taking the day off to care for her.
Its so stressful as my job is in finance and the end of the month is so busy, but there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless.
What's worse is that I'm out of supplies, exP paid me some money today and I was going to do a shop at lunchbreak, but I won't be able to do that as I don't want to take dd out.
Day 2 and its started really badly!
How are you and what's your plans?

TomDudgeon Mon 25-Mar-13 09:06:53

I'm sorry you lot are being put through this
Several times people have mentioned that other people have got through it and survived...
I thought I would post you this and though you won't want to yet, one day soon you'll feel like dancing round the kitchen, singing it loudly. It'll be your anthem
x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 09:11:49

Oh no!!! Sorry to hear your DD still poorly. Have you nothing in at all? Have you got a small local shop that you could do a quick dash to with DD wrapped up in buggy?? I'm ok this morning, woken up feeling bit more wobbly than yesterday bit trying hard to shake it off. We're off to see my mum and dad today. Will be nice to have a hand with dc and also talk it through with them again.

It will be hard for you today another day indoors just thinking. Are there some jobs you can do to keep busy? Haha...organise your airing cupboard and mis matched sheets maybe ?? ;)

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 09:16:46

Oh Tom!!!!! I'd totally forgot that song existed but used to love it at uni. Just cried listening to it but you know what......I do feel better already. Thankyou smile x

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 09:22:49

On Blackberry and can't access link, but will do on laptop soon.

Working from home today, dd asleep and I'm booting up laptop. I've got the basics in but as dd won't eat then I'm not too troubled, just liquids and toast for now if anything poor wee thing.
I've no washing powder and a mountain of washing after last nights vomiting - exP is coming tonight so will pop out for stuff when he comes. Or if dd appears slighly better we'll nip out to supermarket (weird that asda is closer to me than local shop)
Have a nice day with your parents! There are people who give a damn about you and yours, count your blessings and remember to keep going over that list!!! (That's my plan)

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 09:42:49

I think you'll like the link. I did.

Hope you have a good day. Yes, I definately have a lot to be grateful for. Hope DD feels better today.

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 25-Mar-13 10:03:47

Was wondering how everyone was this morning.

Oxen - hoping your little one is better soon.

My attempts at a good week are currently being thwarted by a stupid supermarket who have only delivered part of my bulky shopping order.

Nevermind I'll just walk into town to buy it then (I don't drive) - wonder why I bother hmm

Mamma - have a good time with your parents - if they are like mine then they'll be fantastically supportive - I've reverted back to being 6 quite often recently and they've picked me up and dusted me down.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 10:09:41

Thanks dot. Yes, they are amazing. Hope I'm half as good to my dc as they have been to me over the years.

Hope you have a good day too.....supermarket deliveries are the Bain of my life. It's supposed to make life easier?! Lol.

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 14:46:53

So today has very glamourous for me! DD sick on my head - I was sniffing her nappy and she let loose! Timing couldn't have been worse.
Then when my lovely colleague dropped round with some washing powder she was treated to another 'vomit over mummy' viewing!
All in all a pretty shabby day, poor dd. But exP is round later and don't wanna show any sign of letting things get on top of me.
Hope you are all having a better day than me smile

undermyskin Mon 25-Mar-13 15:47:22

Can I join? Different situation to you all as I feel I am much older (mother of a teenager) and also I am going through the stomach churning crap for the second time in 5 years. Terrible feelings of failure having felt I'd rebuilt once and now realise I'd invested too much, and so easy to separate as nothing to discuss. Finito and build resolve but I struggle not to resort to the tearful phone call, but have not 4 days in. It is so often said that ultimately you are better off without, but here it is truly not the case and the current situation has arisen from a perfect storm of events, none of which were of my doing, but chance encounter with unresolved infatuation from 6 years ago has meant exP is feeling "compelled" to go after balm for all the other stresses at the moment. Weak bugger.

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 25-Mar-13 17:01:26

Undermyskin - I am older too (mid 40's) - 2 older teens.

I have spoken to someone today who has really helped me see things more clearly and has offered some good advice & support.

I feel better than this time yesterday - just hoping for a good nights sleep tonight.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 17:17:29

Can you all shout at me that I'm doing the right thing please... finding it quite hard today sad been arguing all afternoon. Logically I know I have to be strong but I keep making excuses for him. Urgh why am I so weak. Don't want to make a list of reasons and take over your post OP just need a chin up nothing wrong with being single and there is more men out there if you ever want one kind of lecture.

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 19:22:31

Hi there everyone, hope your days went well.
ExP came round he was lovely, very amicable indeed. I promised myself I would appear 'cool' with it all and then at the last bleeding moment I asked for a hug. He said No of course. Aaaargh, what an idiot. But I do still love him.

InNeedOfBrandy. Lets chant together. We are doing the right thing! We are doing the right thing. Happy to see your list brandy, I'm hoping this thread will help many.
Some of us will have bad days, like today. And some of us will have better days (Well done Dot)
We can only gather strength from each other and assist each other with the times when we are feeling slightly lower.
Tomorrow I hope dd is well enough to go to school and I can get to work and be busy. We need to keep focused on the good things we have, and keep busy.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 19:55:07

Alright here we go OP

HE is a dick because
He has sleep raped me but now denies it even though I know it has happened twice I am now a liar and it's my imagination hmm I am actually questioning myself if I have exaggerated this.

He has moved out and is saying he loves me and we're still in a relationship and when we get married we can just rent one place out

He lies a lot but genuinely believes his own stories and turn of events

He has favourites with his dc, he told me in front of dc (not my dd she didn't notice but was there) that our dd is his princess but his little dd is his queen

He had a phone call a couple of weeks ago from the CSA with a little boy in question, he refuses to get a dna test done atm and doesn't want to know.

He is now taking his little dd off her mum to live with him, I have no idea if the mum knows she just wants more help so she can go back to nursing, which he doesn't want to give instead he wants to have her full time. I A think it's terrible to take a dd off her mum she's only just 3 and B have no intention of living with a just 3 yr old, he doesn't bother looking after her or clearing up after her while she comes over let alone if we all ended up living together. My dc are school aged now and I don't want a toddler and a spoilt one at that. (she tantrums a lot about things like wanting to sit on her dads lap in the car while hes driving) I work with pre school aged dc I don't want to deal with one when I come home. Sounds selfish and horrible right but it's a lot to put on my plate without talking to me about it or expecting me to like it or lump it.

He complains about my ds not listening to him, but won't accept that them all spending time together without me around would help and that he has to put effort in for ds to like him. Then on the other hand will swear blind that he loves ds just the same as any of his other dc and theres no difference. To be fair when we're not together he does have ds when he has dd.

There is always an excuse always, he doesn't help with the dc at all or take any responsibility. This week for instance dd has had chicken pox ds had it the week or so before, he had her one day even though he's had time off and didn't go back to work till today he's had her one frigging day while I have had to take 3 days unpaid off of work. He has also left me since wednesday stuck in the house with dd and only popped up to see her once. I have had a few friends and family round but I have been climbing the walls stuck inside.

The joke is on me really, he had been talking me round until this afternoon and I said either we're together 100% or not at all and he said he's not giving me another chance to pack his stuff.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 19:56:41

I have this thing in my head that I should be doing all I can to make him happy though and cooking and cleaning and making sure he's happy and so is everyone else and that I'm the selfish one.

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 25-Mar-13 20:46:48

Brandy he sounds a right prat/user - sorry.

Well my H has just been round to collect one teen to go to a hobby they share.

I managed cool, calm and collected. Discussed stuff we needed to - house sale. Also plans to draw up a formal financial arrangement between us. Then I scored a blow - asked him to take a bag of his clothes I removed from MY bedroom and told him he can collect more stuff and some bits of furniture this weekend. Basically I was in charge for a change knew what I wanted. Felt good to be a bit strong and know what I want ;)

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 20:48:53

Seems like a lot of bad stuff there. Much similar to my situ, albeit he's great with dd and was SAHD for her first year. All the bad stuff, he does to me but somehow I allow it and want him back!

You don't need him in your life or your kids for that matter. There's a lot of negative things going on in that relationship. Tell me, does he switch the charm on easily, make you doubt yourself? You're doing the right thing you know, what day are you on and how often do you see him since the split?

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 20:50:06

Well done Dot! That's amazing! Good girl smile

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 21:08:11

Another old gimmer here dd1 is 20 dd2 is 3.

Brandy I might have the wrong end of the stick, but reading a previous post I wondered if you are in the south west?

Oxen (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) have as many as you need.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 21:29:33

He is and he does! It's like a light switch the way he switches his charm off and on. He even makes his eyes twinkle on command ffs. He twists everything around in my head so I end up thinking well what was I making a fuss about in the first place and I'm the one who needs to stop moaning and start being grateful for what I do have. I actually believe(d) that I should show him I appreciate what he does for me and the dc more. Argh I am a twat sometimes what was I thinking, sure he is all fur coat and no knickers really. (but tiny voice in my head saying well he is on hard times atm and if you just stick by him things will get better and change)

Thanks for this thread OP glad to get it all out!

beingawife I am why?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 21:44:00

Brandy
Have pm'd you.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 21:58:00

OP it's only been since wednesday, but thats almost a week although he did stay over friday night cos I am a twat

I JUST WANT MY HAPPY EVER AFTER FFS sad and the white picket fence.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 22:10:41

Nothing wrong in wanting that Brandy

Achieving it however seems to be nigh on impossible sad

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 22:14:40

sad

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