Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know what to do for the best

(52 Posts)
Nirvana1999 Sat 23-Mar-13 23:04:44

Dh and I split up weeks ago, he was physically and emotionally abusive. He begged for me to take him back but despite his promises he hasn't changed sad I don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford to pay stuff when he's not here. I work FT but without him I struggle financially. I know I'm weak and pathetic. Putting up with being used as a punchbag for the sake of money. Even if we split the maintenance doesn't help towards my CC bills etc. what a mess. Any advice is appreciated.

Please be gentle, he's out at the pub with friends so I'm on a knives edge waiting for him to come home. I thought I'd post in here to maybe try and find some sort if hope.

So you've split but are still living in the same house?
Sounds like you need detailed financial advice - mners very good at that. Do you have Dcs?

I know it's easy for me to say but no amount of money is worth being trapped in an abusive relaitonship
There must be a better way. If you split what happens to the house? And where would you live?

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 23:08:34

You split up but have taken him back ?

Did you look into finances without him, with the aid of professionals ?

CAB, Women's Aid, a solicitor, benefits office ?

No one, in this day and age, is forced to live with an abuser due to solely money reasons

Admit you got sweet talked, you have made a mistake and this time look into splitting officially and properly

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 23:09:17

Do you currently get tax credits or any help towards childcare costs?

AnythingNotEverything Sat 23-Mar-13 23:10:30

If you're struggling with debt, speak to the CAB or Step Change debt charity. They may be able to help you renegotiate your payment (temporarily or permanently) to make them more manageable.

The hardest bit is making the decision to separate. From here you just need to worry about yourself and dcs. You're stronger than you think.

Chubfuddler Sat 23-Mar-13 23:11:33

If you have debts you can't pay alone you need to look into an IVA or bankruptcy. You cannot stay with someone who abuses you. You aren't tea

Chubfuddler Sat 23-Mar-13 23:11:54

* trapped. You have to leave.

Hatpin Sat 23-Mar-13 23:15:06

You must get out. How much is the shortfall?

Would you get tax credits? Housing / council tax benefit?

saggyhairyarse Sat 23-Mar-13 23:15:09

Go to child maintenance options website and work out how much money he will have to pay as maintenance. Call the tax credit helpline and ask them to tell you how much tax credits and childcare allowance you will get on your sole income. You may get help towards your mortgage depending on your earnings, you can call your council to find out what help you would get (your council tax will be reduced because of single occupancy). Whilst fixed costs like mortgage/rent, broadband etc will remain the same, some bills will reduce like food, water etc.

You might have to budget more on food and clothes etc but I think this is a small price to pay to not live in fear and to be a better role model for your children.

Nirvana1999 Sat 23-Mar-13 23:22:07

Yes we split and I foolishly took him back. We have 2 dc's. when we split I contacted tax credits and was entitled to some help with childcare costs and some extra TC. I still struggled. I have a CC and a couple of store cards. I don't want to get behind with these payments. When we split he paid me £50 per week maintenance but paying full rent, council tax and all bills on my wage was impossible. I can't afford to run my car which I need for work as public transport is terrible and doesn't run at times I need it.

I know it's ridiculous, I'm just so tired of it all and drained trying to get out of it for good.

Fifty quid a week, two children, is that right?
Can you move closer to work? Suppose that then messes with school? Can you move somewhere cheaper? Council tax should be reduced - was it?

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 23:25:39

Women's Aid

Stay in your house, get rid of him and take in a lodger

50 quid a week maintenance for 2 kids doesn't seem enough...contact the CSA and get the full amount

Ask family for help until you get on your feet

AnythingNotEverything Sat 23-Mar-13 23:34:58

Speak to women's aid. I know it's scary, but you can do this on your own. Women's aid will help you sort your finances, maintenance a, bills, debts etc, and can help you will budgets etc.

You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy.

Nirvana1999 Sat 23-Mar-13 23:47:42

I called woman's aid before we split last time. I'm still waiting on someone calling me back.

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 00:22:22

When you called WA did you speak to someone or did you leave a message on a machine?

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 00:26:17

Posted too early... did you call the 24/7 helpline number or did you call your nearest branch?

If you have reason to believe the absusive twunt will physically assault you again, or if he becomes threatening/throws stuff/shouts, simply call 999 and let the police remove from your home - after which, they'll put the wheels in motion for you to be allocated a dv worker who can help you work out your full entitlements to council tax discount/child support/tax credits etc.

Nirvana1999 Sun 24-Mar-13 00:57:22

It was local number, I left a message. He's home, drunk and shouting the odds. Can't do this anymore

Mosman Sun 24-Mar-13 06:06:23

Screw the credit cards, just don't pay them nobody will die

Timetoask Sun 24-Mar-13 06:17:08

Not worth living with a drunk, really not.
Can you downsize to a property cheaper to rent? Could you give us a breakdown of your spenditure to see if we can spot any saving opportunities?

foofooyeah Sun 24-Mar-13 06:21:57

Nirvana, hope your ok ?
Do put details on here as people can help and advise.
I use stepchange after getting in difficulty with CC - really workd out for me.
Dont put yourself and your children through this

Nirvana are you ok?

Nirvana1999 Sun 24-Mar-13 15:19:20

Im ok. Going through all paperwork, bills etc and working out finances. The £50 per week was an agreement we made when we split last time. Not sure I'd get much more going through CSA?

He kicked off last night, he took my phone and seen this thread, started laughing, telling me how pathetic I am. That's me just managed to get my phone back now. Hes still sleeping. I just need to hold on to the hope I'll be out of this situation soon one way or another. I know I should have called police last night as he was abusive but I'm too scared.

Chubfuddler Sun 24-Mar-13 15:47:00

You have nothing to fear from the police. He has though. Call them.

foofooyeah Sun 24-Mar-13 17:35:59

Just seen your update, you are not pathetic, he is. Pathetic and a bully.

I hope you do manage to get out of this situation, Its wrong to be so scared of someone

Nirvana1999 Sun 24-Mar-13 20:30:32

I hope so too. I feel like I have no one. I actually have no one. Just me and my 2 beautiful babies but its an uphill struggle all the time, constantly fighting against something. Since the age of 8 I've fought and fought and fought. I'm not sure I have any fight left.

I don't expect a response, it's just an outlet and stops me pacing the floor.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 21:15:15

We are here, nirvana, and we care

Fight for your babies, that is all you can do

Spiritedwolf Sun 24-Mar-13 21:22:54

Thinking of you, I hope you can get real life support (police/women's aid) soon. Please try and get yourself and your babies safe. You can get help with the organising the finances from Women's Aid or the Citizens Advice Bureau.

saggyhairyarse Sun 24-Mar-13 21:34:06

You are definitely not pathetic! You married/are in a relationship with a man who is controlling you with fear, that makes him pathetic in my book. I am sure the first time you thought it was a one off, there were 'mitigating circumstances' and that everything would be alright. Buts its not now. Please, please, please think of the damage living in this family is doing to your children but above all think about your own right to be happy. You, nirvanan, deserve to not live in fear.

saravalerie Sun 24-Mar-13 22:02:37

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chubfuddler Sun 24-Mar-13 22:09:27

Oh do fuck off saravalerie. What a load of guff.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 22:12:58

Easter holidays have started in some areas, I believe

Nirvana1999 Sun 24-Mar-13 22:56:15

Thanks for replying. I'll ignore the casting spell shit if that's ok with you hmm

He's not long woke up. What a life. Told me he's not going anywhere and I know where the door is. He knows I can't afford the house without him anyway. I'm going to have to leave.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 23:00:59

Are you sure love ?

Get some legal advice. Many solicitors offer the first half hour free. It could be the best move you ever make.

Nirvana1999 Sun 24-Mar-13 23:05:48

I don't even know if I want to stay, I don't know if a clean break away would be for the best. I feel totally and utterly lost, I can't think straight. What happened to the man who loved me, protected me? He's happy to show me the door without a second thought.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 23:08:32

If you need to go, then go, and sort the legalities out later

Look out for yourself, that is all you can do

Still here nirvana, struggling to find words. Do you have any friends you can rely on?

tribpot Mon 25-Mar-13 07:22:41

If you think he's going to follow your threads now he knows you've posted, I would name change. Women's Aid have some good advice about hiding your online presence.

The first and most important thing is to get yourself and your dc to a place of safety. Please talk to Women's Aid again and also to the police. Did he hit you last night?

Men like him don't love. They control, own, possess. But they are incapable of love.

This is NOT you. No part of this is your fault.

If you need to be the one to leave, then leave. Whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

You don't need a house. Rent a two bedroom flat.

Get more maintenance from him through CSA.

This is shit. Getting out is hard, frightening and feels impossible sometimes. All you have to do is set the wheels in motion. One day at a time.

It will be the best thing you will ever do for you and your dc.

Phone the police now. Tell them what he did last night. Tell them he took your phone. You need to start logging incidences. I notice how you say he just laughed at you.

He's not trying to charm you anymore. You took him back so he thinks you're an safe bet. Why would he waste his time treating you with a crumb of respect?

*saturday night

And saravalerie do a little disappearing spell on yourself.

Nirvana1999 Mon 25-Mar-13 17:12:10

Thanks for the advice.

The house is a private rent in both our names. I need to look into the legal side of things. Working 9-5 doesn't give me much time trying to call housing etc. I've asked for a few days off this week to make phone calls etc. He is now ignoring me completely which is better than other option of getting abuse thrown at me. He's away on business on Thursday so hopefully set the wheels in motion to get the hell out of here.

Nirvana, see a solicitor first thing while he's away, before then if you can.

Keep all important documents, passports etc out of his way.

I really do urge you to log this with the police. Not to have him arrested but it's better to have a record of this things.

Nirvana1999 Tue 26-Mar-13 21:46:38

Thanks,I know the threads dropped off the page but I done a pregnancy test this morning and its positive. I've never felt so much turmoil and worry in my whole life.

DaffodilAdams Tue 26-Mar-13 21:58:52

Oh Nirvana you are having an awful time of it. OK, if you are just renting then there is less pressure to stay in the house apart from the hassle and stress of moving obviously, which is no mean thing. But there may be more hassle and stress getting him out of the house. I would definitely take Eggy's advice and try and find a free half hour with a solicitor. You may find his violent behaviour will work against him in this case. I would also try Women's Aid again. They can be seriously good.

Pregnancy, well if you are serious about leaving and you can make it happen soon, then I would worry about the pregnancy after you have left. For the moment I wouldn't tell him (in fact I probably wouldn't ever tell him unless you decide to keep it).

But this relationship needs to end no matter who leaves.

Giving you a ((((hug)))) too because you probably need it.

saggyhairyarse Tue 26-Mar-13 23:16:57

There is an organisation called Rights for Women in London, it is a telephone line manned by solicitors to help women especially in domestic violence cases.

Nirvana1999 Wed 27-Mar-13 00:18:27

Thanks daffodil, a hug is more than needed. I don't have any more words right now. I just don't kno what to say about the whol sorry situation. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

DaffodilAdams Wed 27-Mar-13 22:19:44

Hope you are OK Nirvana x

tribpot Wed 27-Mar-13 22:27:54

All the more reason for you to get away, Nirvana. You were hoping to do a runner tomorrow when he was away on business. Please, please do.

Nirvana1999 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:55:33

He's gone, packed all his things last night, said he'd send a friend for the rest. Feel relieved but worried about the future.

Oh nirvana ((hugs))

Bitofadviceplease Fri 29-Mar-13 08:38:08

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you & hope it all works out for you xx

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 08:43:29

Thank god. I understand you are worried but you need only read back through this thread to remind yourself what it was like, waiting for him to come back from the pub and not knowing what comes next.

Talk to Women's Aid - they tweeted not long ago to say the helpline is open today.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now