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Is he load of rubbish?(106 Posts)
I have nambe changed for this, sorry.
I met this bloke about 5 years ago. We hit off straight away, very passionatelly, I liked him a lot, he was chatty friendly and funny. But there where a few things that where very odd. He had lots of money, in cash in his house. And he spent it without thinking it. Of course this at the start of a relationship is fun, went out for dinners, good wines, etc. but as I wanted to get serious I started to ask why he didn't have a bank account, where did the money come from, etc. He told me (after a long persona/family/past history) that from a young age he started being involved in music industry, writing lyrics, and ths is what made him the money, he had a little part time job to "keep him in real life" . Now, of course I searched googled etc. he even told me famous songs he had written. He was nowhere to be seen. One night I was at his and the door bell rang. It was his sister (whom with he had no contact) drunk, shouting at him at telling him it was crazy. I didn't hear much more that that. At the time he was very close to his mum. After a lot of thinking more questions and digs, I just didn't see it clear and I stopped contact.
Met him again, we hit off again, the connection and chemistry is quite mind blowing. The story has changed a bit, he says he lost all his money on the crisis he has a full time job and bank accounts like normal people but he doesn't speak to his mum anymore. So we start seing each other again as naively I think he might left the odditty and mad stories behind. But its not the case, he keeps saying that he did all this stuff when young but he hated it, hated "the industry" and the way he was treated to produce money. i have researched again, the songs he says he has written are NOT on his name at all, but another famous songriter mainly. BUT, there is some song lyrics that do make sense with the past he has told me about, but of course he could be completely mental and built a big lie based on what these songs say.
There more this stuff started coming out again, the less I want to see him and now we only send the odd text to each other. But I do miss him.
Sorry this is long and it might be lots of info missing so I didn't dripfeed but I don't want to make the post even longer and messier.
But basically, is he full of bullpoo and a compulsive lier, or is it possible that he did have this weird past and he has wiped himself out from all the media...
Please dont be too harsh, I am not naive, I really like his personality and I am just hoping he is not barking mad...
So what do you think? WWYD??
Thanks for reading.
Its impossible to wipe yourself out from all media if you are famous.
Sounds more like drugs or something else illegal to me. I would run away and never look back if I were you , you are being lied to.
I can smell the bullshit from here!
Drugs or dealing dodgy goods.
Run and don't look back. It doesn't matter what it is he did, but he is still lying about it now and that is something you dont have to put up with. Move on.
I would do as Missy suggests.
He is lying to you.
I'd also hedge that he's into something illegal. The 'part time job' could be anything. Liars/fantasists/con-artists aren't worth wasting a second on IMHO. Often very interesting even charismatic but ultimately a massive let-down. Can't help wondering what the back-story was to the drunk 'sister' was all about.
Follow your first instincts and leave this weirdo where you found him.
Is there anyone else who knows him that you could talk to, like his sister for example? Someone who might give you a better idea of what's going on.
Sounds a tad delusional to me though, sorry.
Have you ever asked him if he goes under an assumed name? Did he ever get aggressive or defensive if you pushed the subject too much?
The temptation to catch him out would have been too much for me. I would have printed out the Internet info and gone through it with him.
I absolutely hate liars.
Do you really need to ask? He's clearly as genuine as a fifteen pound note and frankly I'm aghast that anyone would think otherwise.
The reason your connection with him feels so amazing and mind blowing is because he tells you what you want to hear - he is a compulsive liar who will have no qualms about bullshitting his way through every second he is with you. Get out now. I made the same mistake with a compulsive liar and the damage it did to my emotional and mental health was immeasurable
I saw him at his part time job, perfectly normal, but of course that wasn't giving him all that cash.
I agree its impossible to wife yourself, but this second time he showed me a family album where his mum had altered dates and things to "protect him". Very strange.
The "drunk" sister is in FB so I could ask her easily but she really hates him apparently. I have located another one who sounds more normal and it crossed my mind asking, but I am not sure how ethic is that...
Aparently the drunk sister was a druggy when she was young and he paid for her rehab ans then because he didn't give her more money she is angry with him.
Wally, I think that is paret of it, I want to know the truth. I want him to stop this so I can be with him.
I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks, we only exchange a few little talk messages.
'His mum' had altered dates?.... He's starting to sound like one of those delusional types that has various women convinced they're in MI5 or similar. I totally get your curiosity and no, I don't think it's unethical. Do the background checks by all means ... just don't entertain him as a boyfriend.
Why are you wasting so much time and head space trying to work him out?
Oh wait, don't tell me.... you have a real, like, CONNECTION. He really GETS you....
It all sounds like the plot of a bad soap. Get a grip and move on. He's bad news.
I've got a feeling though that you'll be posting in a years time going " Waaah Waaah I've found out my DPs a drug dealer and I'm worried for me and the baby Waaah"
Sounds to me like you ll never get a full true story out of him.
Do you really need someone with so much 'dodgy past'
If he can't tell the truth now, how can you expect him to tell the truth in the future?
Blimey Buddy that's a bit strong. The OP is very brave to post and take opinions, don't put her off.
Well, it wasn't his writing, that is for sure. I met his mum the first time round, she was very keen for him to settle with me. Oh the reason why they don't talk now is because he had his money on her name (that explaines the cash in the house to an extent, as she was giving it to him) and she spent lots of it without his consent.
God, writing this money laundering comes to mind...
Thanks Wally, that is harsh and doesnt reflect reality! I am not THAT stupid.
As I keep saying, I don't see him anymore, sent polite texts like: "roads are icy drive carefully xx" type of stuff.
It is still in my mind because I am hoping there is an explanation, I won't ever be with him if there is not.
Oh he has a kid and he has full custody, kids mum has moved on and not interested in him. Aparently. So one part of me thinks, he could only have full custody if he is normal, the other part thinks poor, poor kid... he is a lovely boy.
Sorry the drip feesing, honeslty I am writing this quicly and a bit scared of outing me in RL
Losingexcessweight, that is why I stopped contact. But it just nags me, and I guess I am just hoping that there is an explanation somehow...
Wally its clear that people like the OP arent often be affected by other people's opinions either way. Have a look through the convos. Nine times out of ten its:
OP: My BF has done a ten stretch for arson, his family all hate him and he's getting increasingly violent. Should I be worried?
Everyone: Yes! Get out!
OP: Oh but he's so nice when he hasn't got me in a headlock. And he's got self esteem issues bless him....
Blah blah blah.
Posters rarely take a blind bit of notice when people give advice they don't want to hear.
The mere fact that the OP in this thread needs to ASK if this blokes a load of rubbish indicates she's unlikely to make the sensible decision.
You've proved my point. "Hoping there's an explanation". Most women would have erased him from their lives - including texts- long ago. But you're obviously still mooning and wondering and hoping.
Buddy, I wrote here because I spoke to one of my friends said "maybe he is not lying! give him a chance" and it just didn't feel right... also I though maybe someone had experience in that "industry" and knew cases like this, or indeed know that that you can't wipe yourself out of the media.
I am convinced now. The only doubt is, should I talk to one of his sisters or just leave it well alone.
Also if I find the truth and he admits it, he might be normal then? and I could consider something with him if everything was out on the open?
I am certainly not considering this with so many doubts
So if he admits he's a fantasist and that he's been lying, you'll consider that a GOOD thing?!
If you can't get past the curiosity, do some digging. But if you find the truth and his story are very different - which seems a racing certainty - don't be too surprised. Certainly don't take the line that if you can prove he lied and he admits it this somehow makes him a good bloke...
You know Buddy, there's "cruel to be kind" and then there's nasty.
Well, he would be telling the truth then! so yes, I think that would be a GOOD thing
If you really want to know it sounds as if you'll have to do some digging. Talk to his sisters, how about the people who actually are credited with writing the songs he claims to have written?
I don't think you will be satisfied with not knowing.
But don't invest any emotional energy in him I think you will end up hurt/disappointed as he does sound like a total fantasist.
There's plenty of men out there who wont have this kind of baggage and will have a 'normal' past.
You can do better than this.
In the past I ve tried to see the best in men who I saw as potential partners, they had complicated pasts like this guy. I put up with a lot of rubbish by doing so. The reason I did this?
I was lacking in self esteem and self worth, I needed to set my standards higher, realise I was worth more than to compromise on this shit.
Once I realised that, I soon met a more 'normal' man who I'm now married to
Yes if he admits he's a fantasist why wouldn't it be a good thing? Then he could get some help or counselling.
As far as having a relationship I would not recommend. Doesn't mean you can't be supportive of a friend.
"Well, he would be telling the truth then! so yes, I think that would be a GOOD thing"
Wake up and smell the coffee.... Of course it's not a GOOD thing if a man can only be honest once confronted with the truth. He shouldn't lie in the first place.
Why get involved with someone who even USED to be a fantasist?? There are plenty of normal, honest men out there.
I completely agree with Losingexcessweight above.
Losingexcessweight, I see what you meant, but its not that I see the best in him, it was that we genuinely had lots of fun together, and I like to have that with a partner.
But I really am taking everything on board, I am not going to start seing him again, but some posters have given me the courage to dig a bit more.
My only fear is that I wouldn't want him to know that I have been digging? specially after stopping contact.
The thing is, OP, if he really valued you and his relationship with you, he would be making every effort to tell you his whole story (the real one) to put your mind at ease. The fact that he can't come up with any convincing explanation for anything suggests that he really doesn't want you to know the truth about him (probably for good reason). I understand that you feel a great connection with him and you hope that everything will become clear at some point, but it really sounds as though he is someone you could never trust or rely on. Is it really worth asking around his sisters, when the answers you get might make things even more confusing for you? I would cut your losses...
Erm, it's hard to make stack of cash writing song lyrics. And royalties aren't paid in cash.
Also what Cogito said.
I can't believe the attitudes of some people....."Oh he's lied and fed me a load of bullshit but I confronted him with the truth and he had to admit it! Isn't that marvellous? Honesty is such a lovely thing isn't it?! I think he's a keeper!"
Actually lolling here :D
Zorba, I know, I thought that, and he sounds totally delusional, its like he really believes his lies... Sometimes it sounded like he believes it himself!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Buddy, you are good at putting words in my mouth, and you are quite annoying now. It is a good thing when anyone accepts they have done wrong and admite mistakes. Fullstop.
That wouldn't mean I would have a relationship with him, and I could LOL at the baby bit from previous port actually...
OP, he will NEVER admit to lying. I know it's hard for honest people like you and your friend, who have a normal moral compass, to accept that someone you care about, and who you think cares about you, would lie to your face. And in such a big way. But that is what he is doing.
Part of the reason you're hoping for an admission or resolution is that it is, frankly, frightening to consider that he actually is a compulsive liar/fantasist who would lie about absolutely anything. But he is. And you are already emotionally invested because he's good company and nice apart from the lying, or good in bed or whatever, so you don't want it to be true or to lose what you think you have.
You need to extract yourself, though. He will only cause you severe damage. Sorry .
Buddy I'm getting the impression that you are getting actual pleasure from making the OP feel stupid.
"Actually lolling" how old are you? 10? Grow up.
OP came here asking for advice. They don't need you here enjoying every second of their misery and making them feel crappy.
Why wouldn't you want him to know you'd been digging? If you've no intention of keeping up with him it'll make no difference. If you still want to be his friend 'warts and all' then just dig more carefully.
TheSecondComing, no he is not!
One of my theories is that his mum gave him the money, now that they don't talk, there is no money...
Cogito, well it would be a bit better that not admitting it at all.
But anyhow, ok, so reasurred that things do not happen like this in music industry. That is the main reason I wrote th epost. bacause I haven't got a clue. But he has done his homework because he knows a lot of names, things, dates...
But again, taking your advice, I will not start seeing him again.
OP, if you already know that he is a compulsive liar, then trying to get to the bottom of what he does or did or where the cash comes from is just pointless.
This large-scale dishonesty is no basis for a relationship - even for a friendship - and could end up dragging you into a lot of unpleasantness.
There are lots of decent men out there whom you could actually TRUST!
I know it sounds a bit glib to say "life is too short for this kind of thing" but this guy really isn't worth expending more of your time/energy/brainpower on.
Be nice to yourself and let him disappear from your life!
WhatDoesTheDogSay and Naysa thank you
Yes it must be annoying when people don't post what you want them to.
I think he sounds lovely and not dodgy At All. Lying is a lovely trait. It's so dull when someone tells you something and you don't have to work out whether its true or not! The element of doubt really adds to a relationship.
A lot of people here have posted what I didn't want to read, because really, it would have been great to read: yes a lot of songwrters are minted, but are anonimous to pretect their private lifes, go for it!"
They have just been a lot more polite than you.
I thought I was reading a precis of my BIL for a min in your initial post because he knows all the dates, facts etc and has told whopping great lies to outsiders. He sounds awfully plausible to boot. My BIL is both a narcissist and plausible to those in the outside world. Like this bloke too he has a love/hate thing going on with his mother and she has bailed him out more than once. You will never get to the bottom of why he is really acting like this but my money is on NPD or another type of personality disorder here.
He can and will hurt you and not care about doing so, please do not go back on your word by starting to see him again.
Actually songwriters do get credited and paid ongoing royalties, it would be wrong of the artist not to credit them.
Yeah I am impolite.
By your own logic, now I've admitted it you'll like and respect me even MORE for admitting it :D
AttilaTheMeerkat, are you sure he is not your BIL???
If he was which he is not I'd be telling you to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!. You cannot afford to believe a single word that he utters.
BIL is a true Walter Mitty type character who supposedly knows everything and everybody.
Seriously though, I do know about how plausible on the surface at least these types are and they can be charm personified - but he is still not a person to be messed with, such charming men can make for dangerous lovers. Such types can be bloody nasty when they want to be and can turn at the flick of a switch; I've seen that as well.
Buddy, you are starting to sound like him honestly. Putting words in my mouth and sounding a little bonkers...
Attila, I know. I can see it now clearly, I feel just sad for him now really.
I'll be right up your street then
Yes I can get the fact that you feel sad for him - but that feeling soon passes when you see the sheer scale of the ongoing lies and daily untruths.
If he's dodgy, maybe mixing with the wrong people etc, then it's not a good idea to go digging around for info on him or his past etc.
He may not like it if he finds out and you could end up putting your safety at risk if he's a bad egg IYSWIM?
I know you have questions you want answers to, but sometimes we don't always get the answers that enable us to close the door and move on.
Sometimes we are left wondering and we can't close that chapter until we have an ending.
I hope this is making sense.
What I'm trying to say is, I think on this occassion it's best to close the book without the chapter ending, and move on.
Some people not many thank goodness, are total and absolute fantasy liars. It sounds as if this person is one of those. So you can either keep digging and asking till you find out the truth or ignore the whole thing and pretend it's not happening or you can just let him move on to somebody else and let them listen to all this silly stuff.
It strikes me that all this energy and wondering and wanting answers and digging etc might suggest you're lacking other things in your life to think about.
Do you have any other hobbies?
Hey Buddy - why are you hanging around on this thread just to insult the OP?
She has said she doesn't appreciate your unhelpful comments but you can't take a polite hint. It's starting to look like you are the one lacking a constructive hobby...
"Any other hobbies"
Buddy do you have any hobbies other than beong rude and childish and goady?
He is probably a lying weirdo, HOWEVER...
If you write a song, register with PRS, you can nominate anyone to receive your royalty cheque annually (ie his mum) and then get cash from them. The motive for that could be for tax purposes for example. Is it possible he writes under a pseudonym?
Ok this is a bit random and I'm not sure how relevant but I have an old friend whose dad used to be somehow in 'the industry'. He used to write songs and play on albums as a session musician I think. Anyway, he wrote the outline of the music and lyrics for a song called 'love is all around' which for one reason or another the writing credit went to another guy, singer with The Troggs Reg somebody I think he's called.
Anyway this all happened a long time ago, everyone had moved in and it didn't seem to be much of a bone of contention for my friends dad. Indeed I think this sort of things is quite rife in the music industry. And then that bloody 4 weddings came out and wet wet wet covered the record and were at no 1 for months and sold millions of copies globally! So I think then there might have been some resentment and bitterness!!! The Troggs guy must have been laughing all the way to the bank, the cheeky fucker!
Anyway, wrt to your situation OP, stranger things have happened but I would be very, very sceptical!
Agree with toddlerama
He may be a weirdo, but it is possible he writes under another name. Can't you just ask him this?
Pretty sure I asked him that, he says he had coowritten things... no the more I think or write about it the more improbable it sounds.
As for taking the credit, if someone else took the credit he wouldnt get the money!?
Sorry, what is that <ahem> for
If he is saying he was a co writer and that's why his name isn't on the songs, then he is definitely lying. All writers are credited on a song, they have to be or they would not receive any money.
There is always a degree of plausibility in the lies compulsive or pathological liars tell. Often they are so plausible that you wouldn't even doubt the liar for a moment, particularly if you weren't particularly closely involved with them (say a colleague or casual acquaintance). Obviously, neither OP nor anyone else knows for sure whether this man is bullshitting, but the very fact that OP has an uneasy feeling about him is pretty telling. How often does anyone doubt what someone says if it's perfectly true and honest?
Have you seen the film ' About a Boy' , starring Hugh Grant ?
Because he has , and 'Layer Cake ' as well.
if it sounds odd and you can either immerse yourself in the madness and hope you come out the other side, or politely walk away and leave him to his own devices
What does he claim to have written out of interest?
Is it possible that he believes his own lies? I am amazed at how he is so consistent with them, and for that long
Yes fantasists can and do believe in their own truth even when its disproved.
Well, thats it then. is it a mental illness?
I think it's drugs money and a need to impress.
Which songs does he say he has written?
he is a liar and an fantasist, and possibly a psychopath too
get the fuck out and stay out. you do not need this I promise you
Well I was too embarrassed to say it and sent a couple of PM but I'll say it, Brian McFadden songs, he says he has cowritten them.
I listened to them and a lot of the lyrics sound like the life he has portrayed for himself, but of course he could have build this all up after listening to that album.
I seriously think he believes his own lies, i am starting to see as the victim of his own bullshit rather than an evil twisted person that is lying to me. I do think his head is meesed uo, and I feel sorry for his son too.
Now, this doesn't mean I will keep in touch or that I will try to cure him! just in case...
Don't be embarrassed, OP! You weren't the first, nor will you be the last, to be sucked in by this bloke. Don't feel sorry for him, either, he is a manipulative, calculating arsehole. Does he definitely have a son, btw?
As for the Brian McFadden bit, Mr. Pants On Fire most definitely should be embarrassed . Of all the 'singers' to choose!
I met his son 5 years ago when he stayed with him for the weekend, we went to the cinema together once.
I have met him now again and he does live with him, deffinitelly. He is a lovely polite lad.
I don't think choosing Brian McFadden was random, there might be a few connections there, but I don't know, he could have been his neighbour only!
But I don't care now, because just thinking about it and trying to find the logic behind it makes me feels stupid!
Well now I'm tending to believe him. Surely if he was bullshitting he'd have picked someone other than Brian McFadden?!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Gary Sparrow from 'Goodnight Sweetheart' claimed to have written most of the Beatles back catalogue, is he maybe some kind of time traveller?
His sister hates him. His mum has changed information in family photo albums to 'protect him.'
His sister has a history of drug abuse. He paid for her rehab.
All the bullshit aside, I would walk away. You'll regret it if you don't.
Buddy and TheSecondComing, that made me
Glittery, see that could all be bullshit too! but yeah I am not thinking on getting back to him
That's the thing, number41, everything he's ever told you could be complete bullshit. Hard to get your head around, but sounds like you're now seeing him for what he really is. It's worrying that there seems to be a not inconsiderable number of folk like that around, going by the advice and experience of posters on your thread!
I have always seen him for what he.is, I was just hoping that there could be some truth in it... 5 years ago I run away as soon as the stories became weird. This time round things seem more normal, he has a job, normal amount of money in the bank and his son lives with him. The first weeks I avoided the subject but as soon as we talked about it and I saw that he says the same stories I msde distance again... and the I wrote here, I knew what the answer was going to be but I missed him and I had a tiny weeny spec of hope that maybe there was an explanation for it. I know there isnt and I am grateful for all the comnents here.
oh love. I'm sure you'll find someone much, much better.
Brian McFadden has pretty much lived in Australia since leaving Westlife?
I would deffo have to ask his sister, i couldn't walk away not knowing, my ex used to make up stories that i think he thought impressed me but instead i thought knob!
Just been thinking on asking his sister while lying in bed thus morning, but how? what do u tell her without freaking her out? I will write to her first on LinkedIn and tell her if she prefers to meet? I dont know I guess I am expecting her to be as secretive as him.
Maybe say something on the lines of he's been very vague about his life and you want to know more about him and wait to see if she says anything about the song writing?
But if I say thst she might think, well he is in his right to be vague. Wouldnt be easier to tell.her what he has told me so she can tell me if its complete bullshit or not?
I don't think you should approach the sister, number41, and I say that out of concern for your feelings. It may not achieve anything, she may not even know who you are and so not reply or give anything away. Even if she does hate him, he is still family. She might also tell him that you had made contact, which could give him reason to either be angry with you or think that you must still be hung up on him or both. Best just to walk away and put it down to a lucky escape. Know it's frustrating, though, to not have unequivocal proof that he lied, but does it really even matter?
oh gosh I read the last message as I had her profile open ready to fire. I chickened out and now she will see that I looked at it
well I will never stop wondering if I walk away not knowing...
This sister diesnt hate him, they just dont speak and reading between lines of what he told me her husband had confronted him about the things he says... So I always thought that if he was a liar she would warn me. She sounds ok.
Sorry, my mistake re. the sister. Still think it's best just to leave it, but it's up to you. If you do make contact, I hope you get some sort of answer and are able to put it behind you .
he drove past me before and gave me a masdive smile snd enthusistic wave even tho I havent texted him for two days now
He is not only a load of rubbish but also a weirdo. I was feeling lonely two nights ago and I texted him (I know ) and fair enough he was out playing pool but he sent the most strange messages back, and finally I felt properly freaked out.
So I am glad to report that that's it. Not contacting sisters, not contemplating the idea that there is some logical explanation to it all. I do not feel like talking to him again, let alone be with him!
So I actually feel relieved and ready to move on
Thanks to all of you that gave me support at the right time.
Can you afford a few hundred quid to find out? If so a PI would sort this in no time.
They'll be drugs at the bottom of this, for sure, I bet he's coked up and his texts make sense to him. Well done for walking away, you need to protect yourself.
For some reason I don't think its drugs, I have been in the "party" environment when younger and this didn't sound/feel like that at all. This is a small community and he has done a great job with his son, lovely lad doing brill at school. I just think he is deluded and mad.
Unfortunatelly I will see him around, but I think he will realise I've just had enough
Sponging off someone?
Something really dull so he makes this up.
Probably drugs though. Often accounts for loopy behaviour.
I just do not care anymore.
Even without the money issues he has become a bit odd since I stepped back.
Not in a bad way, he is trying to be funny and sounds mad.
I am done.
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