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How do I handle this!? Dh not the dh I thought he was:(

(58 Posts)
Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 08:29:43

Feel so stupid and I have nc as I can't even admit to total strangers I am such an idiot.

We have 2 small children. I am a sahm and dh works very long hours. Recently he had to go on a business trip for a week. He got back very late, left for work the next day and promised he would come with me for a pre arranged day at a friends with the dc. He got home at 6.30am. I was already up with the dc. He went to bed drunk. He said he met up with friends and they were all drinking, he said he had a problem with saying no to drink blah blah and would never do it again.

Dd was very sick 2 nights ago and I called him at work to hurry home as she couldn't breathe and I needed him there. He promised he would be home in 30 mins. I was crying and panicked on the phone.

I got dd breathing again, and fell asleep on the sofa with her. I woke up at 1.30am and he wasn't home. Then ds woke up and wet the bed. I called him and he said he was meeting business suppliers and it just went on. He came home and I yelled at him and said enough was enough. He managed to convince me it was business.

Was looking on fb, and he works with a nightclub on a consultancy basis, but doesn't have to be there at night at all. They post photos on fb of the night. The is a pic of him with 2 women. They are all drinking wine.

I hate the fucker and can't wait for him to get back from a meeting to ask more questions about these " suppliers"

Or am I overreacting? I stopped sleeping with him after the all nighter a week ago.

ajandjjmum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:32:35

You are not stupid. It does sound as though your DH is being pretty stupid - as well as totally inconsiderate though.

Can anyone have the children so that you can have the time to talk through how you feel with him?

Coffee1Sugar Sat 23-Mar-13 08:32:47

Just wondering why you didn't call an ambulance if dd wasn't breathing? hmm

Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 08:34:37

She has asthma . We can deal with it at home, it's just easier with my dh there for support.

HollyBerryBush Sat 23-Mar-13 08:35:30

Why didn't you call an ambulance?

Nagoo Sat 23-Mar-13 08:41:06

I'm assuming you know better than us what your dd needed.

Your DH is being a cock.

You and your dc's are lower down the list than having a nice time with 'ladies'.

So what do you want to do about it?

Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 08:44:45

What I'd like to do is just go. He says all the right things, flowers, gifts etc, but then behaves differently.

If her breathing got worse then yes, I would have had to go to hospital but I wanted dh home as I told him, in case that happened ( never before, but she was very bad) and he could look after ds who was sleeping. It was 10.30pm

ScottyDoc Sat 23-Mar-13 08:49:00

Coffee1sugar How nice and supportive of you to put a little hmm face there. Unnecessary. Have you anything constructive to say I wonder?

OP my siblings have asthma so I understand it well. I hope your dd is better now thanks with regards to your dh he has been selfish and thoughtless and his priorities are worrying. You need to make it clear that although he works away, his responsibilities as a dad and a husband don't just end suddenly or get put on hold. I would be extremely off with him and show him exactly how disgusted you are at the Facebook pictures. Tell him he looks like a fool and that if he's not interested in supporting you then he is welcome to sling his hook. Don't let him placate you, be firm and be calmly cold when speaking to him. He has a lot of grovelling to do but if this is normal behaviour and happens a lot, you should consider the relationship as a whole and whether its worth it.

Coffee1Sugar Sat 23-Mar-13 08:59:20

I'm asthmatic! So yes I know when I get as bad as the op was suggesting my chest consultant always advises ambulance

ScottyDoc Sat 23-Mar-13 09:02:56

No need for the emoticon though was there really?

And the OP knows her dd, whereas you don't. My siblings were told to rest at home on the nebuliser when they struggled to breathe so I can personally understand not immediately calling an ambulance.

Back to the point of the thread....

GinGuzzler Sat 23-Mar-13 09:03:39

Can I just point out that the op would still of needed her OH if she had to go the hospital so him not coming home and not giving a jot about his DC makes him a bit of a cock end.

OP you have every right to be annoyed with your OH, as someone has already said is there anyone who can watch DC so you can have a proper chat with him to find out what's going on.

Goodluck

Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 09:12:33

Scotty, I'm going to ask him about the evening and why he didn't rush home. Then I'm going to show him the fb pics. Tbh, it's becoming a regular thing. He works away a lot and long hours, so I don't want to be stressing about him off out with ladies when he could be at home with me.

He maintains he loves us all and would never cheat. He says I am mad for suggesting it. He says it's all for the family, all this work and hours. I don't mind supporting him and being alone so much but not if he is cavorting on clubs for the world to see.

Thanks for the comments about my dd and how i handle her asthma. I'd rather concentrate this thread on perspective with my dh. It's not about my dd and her condition - I mentioned it as I wanted to be clear I wanted him home and i wasnt IMO being unreasonable.

ScottyDoc Sat 23-Mar-13 09:23:42

Sounds like a plan. Ask him about everything and for a real explanation as to why he didnt come home at such a crucial time. Things need to be sorted out for sure, and the fact that he obviously loves you all in no way excuses any of his recent behaviour. Take it easy and see what he has to say. You know instinctively whether he will really make some changes and make it up to you all. He has acted like a total wanker, but it can be sorted out.

Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 09:25:49

No, I don't have support like that- the best I can do is ask him to come with us to the park, then at least we can talk whilst the dc run about.

FarBetterNow Sat 23-Mar-13 09:42:26

It seems that he prefers his life at work in a nightclub which is fun, than his life at home with his family where he has respnsibilities.

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 10:02:44

No loving man would leave his wife alone with one child having an asthma attack and another in the house.

I'd certainly see him in a new light, yes.

I don't think there is any explanation that could satisfy me and he'd be given a warning to take his responsibilities as father and husband seriously or move out.

SanityClause Sat 23-Mar-13 10:09:51

I have seen my father nearly die of an asthma attack, but when he had his pump on and working, he was okay, and didn't need to go to hospital. In fact, when I was growing up, if he had gone to hospital every time he had a severe attack, he would've been there pretty much constantly.

Just posting this, as it is perfectly possible for a parent with the right equipment to cope with a potentially fatal asthma attack.

It's bloody scary, though, so the OP should reasonably have expected the support of her H.

Justwanttogiveup Sun 24-Mar-13 00:03:56

He was very very angry and shouted at me for thinking he was up to no good. Apparently these ladies are suppliers. He still has not come up with an explanation why he didn't come home as he knew dd was ill. He just says he was busy and I am a mad, ungrateful woman for thinking these things when he is working. He said he knew I managed her breathing as I didn't call back to see whee he was so he met the suppliers and had a drink.

We don't get on al all. I cannot bring myself to be civil with him. He says he tris to cuddle me and I push him off. I do push him off. I can't bear him.

I don't know what will happen or how long this will last, the silence and the misery. He carries on as though nothing is wrong and he has done nothing, it's just me left looking dificult as I just don't believe him and I hate how he expects me to get over it yet again.

Hatpin Sun 24-Mar-13 00:31:01

He's a sh*t father.

Take control and boot him out, honestly.

Suppliers of what, anyway?

I work with suppliers every day. I have never socialized with any of them. It would be against company policy in a lot of places.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 24-Mar-13 01:53:17

He's angry because he got caught out - you have done nothing wrong and don't let him tell you otherwise. To put it in perspective, I don't have any children, I have cats. If I rang my DH in a state because one of the cats couldn't breathe he would rush home from wherever he was to support me. That's what a loving husband does. If we had children then wild horses wouldn't stop him from getting home.

You and your children deserve better, he is using work as an excuse. Call his bluff and say to him that you don't want all the material things this 'work' provides, you'd rather have less 'stuff' and more time with him. Then sit back and watch him try to squirm his way out of that one.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 02:55:20

He's using work as an excuse to have a good time shill you're left to deal with parenting your children alone. Even if he HAD to be out drinking wine and meeting women as part of his job, he definately should have rushed home when needed. Also, how DARE he make you feel ungrateful and in the wrong for expecting that. He's being defensive because he's in the wrong.

If you asked him to leave do you think that would shock him into taking family life more seriously?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 24-Mar-13 11:43:57

He says he'd never cheat and it's all for the good of the family.

Well he would, wouldn't he?

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 11:58:24

What a selfish man

You are being taken advantage, but
I think you know that

I don't believe his excuses about "working" he is taking the Piss and you are letting him

If he wants the life of a single man let him...he is clearly going to push and push until you can take no more and he can say you ended the relationship and his warped conscience will be clear

He brings nothing to family life except stress and worry, and money....so take the money for the children and jettison the rest of the crap

DaffodilAdams Sun 24-Mar-13 12:08:36

You sound pretty clued up OP. You know he is not providing anything like the kind of support he should be to you and your DCs. Workaholics are invariably selfish people, although I suspect he is a playaholic too hmm.

However, he takes selfishness to an abusive level with his treatment of you and DD and her asthma attack. He is not providing care for your children. He is neglecting them. He is a shit father and a shit husband. What is he bringing to your life and what do you want to do about it?

ImperialBlether Sun 24-Mar-13 17:07:55

I just don't believe anyone is doing business with suppliers at gone 1.30 am. I just don't. Having said that, IF anyone was talking business in the middle of the night and their partner rang and said their daughter couldn't breathe, there isn't a "supplier" in the world who wouldn't tell him to get himself home immediately.

Can you really imagine them saying, "Oh well, we won't be putting business your way if you have to go home now"?

OP, you don't like him, and I don't blame you. He doesn't give a shit for you or the children - that much is absolutely plain. In your position I would tell him you are setting him free and he should find somewhere else to live.

pinkpaws Sun 24-Mar-13 18:16:04

Hi i think if i am being honest that you need to breath and chill a bit. He might just feel stressed out and under pressure at the moment. You said yourself he has been away all week working .I understand your concern for your child of course but maybe he feels you are very needy and if he is at work you should let him work. Just a thought i like your post coffee1sugar by the way.

Lueji Sun 24-Mar-13 19:07:48

Seriously, pink???

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 19:15:00

Yes, PP has a history of promoting the enabling of shite men

and trying to guilt women into overlooking bad behaviour 'cos he has a penis

nothing new there

Fairenuff Sun 24-Mar-13 19:27:03

He's lying.

And he can't even be bothered to think up a plausible excuse.

He knows you will be 'off' with him for a while and then you'll get over it and he can carry on partying whilst you watch the children.

Ask him to move out until you decide if you want to continue a relationship with him.

Then keep an eye on fb. He will be all over it with other women because he really will be off the leash.

Sorry, OP sad

Justwanttogiveup Mon 25-Mar-13 02:06:43

Eggy I think you are right. I feel like I am already doing that now, just taking the money and I want my marriage back. Or what's the point? My dm ( who, I have to say is useless) would think that was a very good arrangement but I don't. It's sad my dh appears happy with that arrangement.

Imperial that's what I think too. His suppliers come from all over the world - these ones were Italians and about wine, they come a lot, not just to see him and sent him text saying they would be along later for a drink) I tried to talk to him about not coming home and he just tells me to stop going on about it.

Fairenuff, he can't be bothered is what worries me. Making decisions re the dc means you have to care and if you don't it just adds more stress to the problems and finding a solution.

What do I want to do about it? I wish he cared. He says he does but he doesn't, as he won't talk to me. Just says " ok, ok, everything's all my fault" or " I work so hard and this the thanks I get"

Ds is poorly now and always i call him after the docs and update him but I didn't. He didn't ring, didn't ask, didn't care. Came home didn't ask. Poorly dc lying around.

I have asked him to find the time to talk. I cry a lot, usually wake up at 4 in the morning and can't sleep. The trouble is, he will talk( not at 4am!) then want sex as we have made up, then he will be out til all hours / get drunk next night. So it's like he is forcing hisself to stay with me and the dc and really I have said if he wants to split I will and we are not happy, and he gets really angry as he says he loves us and I am awful for saying, threatening that. It's not a threat, I am trying to be nice and stop it before it gets worse. Giving him an out now.

So I told him we need to talk again. I keep being really nasty to him. I think I want him to hurt as much as me. I haven't been kind for days now. He tried but I can't. He bought flowers and a gift which was nice but its not a swap for a quiet life? He is off tomorrow so I guess I have to plan it.

Pink paws- your post shows a remarkable lack of understanding and empathy to me and my dc and for a moment i thought you were my dh.
and as coffees post was an unhelpful remark about the handling of my dd asthma, I suggest you kindly fuck off. It's not helping.

If an Italian can't be made to understand how important family is, your DH wasn't even trying.

I have to say, your posts remind me of my musician ex-H. Nice enough in his way, just had a job that was perfect for him. Lots of socialising, drinking, some coke, some young women fawning over him, some irresponsibility and good money. He didn't want to grow up and act like a husband. 10 years later, I am remarried, I bump into him every now and again. He is exactly the same. No change at all. Even the string of GFs have the same name as me.

Do you want the same in 10 years?

MrRected Mon 25-Mar-13 03:18:30

Sorry Pinkpaws, your observations are just ridiculous. A bit like saying - ah well dear, not to worry if he's shagging the office bike, he's the breadwinner, so you'll just have to deal with it.

Finallygotaroundtoit Mon 25-Mar-13 07:16:08

Behaving like a selfish idiot in front of 'suppliers' might well lose him work.

But don't believe they were working anyway, sorry sad

DaffodilAdams Mon 25-Mar-13 07:26:14

"the office bike" hmm

TrampyPanterNoster Mon 25-Mar-13 07:49:45

It really does sound like he thinks he's don bloody draper! He's treating you and your dc like shit and is clearly disinterested in family life.

captainmummy Mon 25-Mar-13 08:13:59

So..... if you split up, you get to be a single parent (errrr,like you are already, really) and he gets to do what he likes, when he likes, with whomever he likes, with no responsilibities, no cares, kinda like he does already.

No?

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 08:14:46

OP,, you sound great, and you deserve better than this

You know you do x

Good lord, what a selfish prick

Workaholics never come out and say, "I work 12 hours a day because I love work and I want to avoid family responsibilities and have a ready-made excuse for socialising whenever I want." No, of course they are doing it all for you, it is such a huge sacrifice don't you know.

There is not a business person in the world who would hold it against him if he said he had to go as his child couldn't breathe. And if they did, it's not someone you want to do business with, is it?

His reaction to you now is pathetic.

If he's not willing to make some serious changes, I don't see what the point of the marriage is. He can still go work all hours and provide for his family, but you don't have to have his lack of caring put in your face all the time.

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 09:27:48

When you're consumed by caring for others it's very easy to overlook your own needs.

Please find time to book an appointment with your GP for yourself, honey. It could be that you've simply got into the habit of waking at 4am due to other causes, but early waking is one of the signs of clinical depression and a short course of mild sleeping tablets or low dose anti d's may be necessary to restore your equilibrium.

As for your selfish arse of an h, put him on notice that if he doesn't curtail his 'working' hours it's not going to be question of whether he wants to split, it'll be of a question of when you choose to file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - which is as unacceptable as it is unreasonable for you and your dc.

After you've given him due notice, don't reward him with 'making up' sex as he won't see any reason to change his ways and you'll be left with further hurtful confirmation that he has no qualms about making false promises in order to continue carrying on as if he's a single man without a care in the world.

Justwanttogiveup Tue 26-Mar-13 03:48:49

Thanks eggysmile

I don't think he mentioned to anyone dd was ill, as he didn't want to go. I think he would have been sat on his own if he had mentioned a very sick dc and stayed.

Hatpin, it's his job, and he is in a socialising environment for work. Though I agree , he doesn't have to do it. They are selling, not buying!!

Captain mummy, I often feel like he is lodger or something. If one of the dc is in the bath and I am dressing the other, he has to be told to go and sit with them, tell stories etc. if I don't say anything, he lies on the sofa and puts the tv on. The dc get all moany when he joins us and dont want daddy. he storms off. He is never there usually anyway. He is only around bath time and bedtime when he has the day off. Mealtimes the same. When the dc play up, he just ignores them and I have to come and sort it out. He seems oblivious to the shouting / tears.

Izzy, I hadn't thought of that, needing a doctor myself. I guess I just assumed it was all part of my troubles and would go away when dh changed. He came home after I had gone to bed last night ( normal in his job). I used to wait up for hm but I don't bother now. He is always late and I feel such an idiot waiting up for someone who is just socialising.

Anyway, he woke me up when he got home, telling me he loved me and clearly wanting sex. I told him to get off, and I couldn't believe he had woken me up when for once the dc were sleeping through. He tried again and this time I shouted at him to leave me alone. I was so tired I didn't really know what I was saying, still asleep really. He left me alone after.

Today, he is off until the late afternoon so we can take the dc to a park and have a talk. I'm so tired of complaining, being told I am ungrateful, doing his best- and yes, I know he is a workaholic, and likes it. I just can't be bothered with the " you must support me I work so hard" and him agreeing with me sincerely, and not changing.

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:40:24

Good luck. I think your talk will fall on dead ears though. He has things just how he wants them. Why would he change?

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:54:43

Deaf, even

Although I was probably right the first time

Good luck OP.

Honestly, I think you would be better off without him. If he's never around and you can't even count on him in an emergency, what use is he really? It sounds like he just makes your life more difficult. And refuses to change.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 17:09:40

Wondering how you got on at the park, OP. Would like to hope you were able to talk, have a frank but civil exchange of views, and you are now completely reassured and feel the future is rosy!

Has it been like this since you started a family, does he come from a tradition whereby men went out to work and women stayed home and didn't complain, has he somehow relegated you to mum, chief cook and bottle washer? Unfortunately if he has then he will soon see you in role of his mother too, picking up after him, all the comforts of domestic life, taking parental initiative, doing his thinking for him. Does he think you are prepared to settle for what you have?

It is all very well for anyone outside your marriage to look in and say, what have you got to complain about, (if your DM is inclined to this then don't lean on her for support); you're the one who has to live through this.

I know more than one woman who has effectively raised the DCs like she is a single parent, the H is busy busy busy, any family time is in is eyes office time squandered, the only time they all have 'quality' time altogether is during a fortnight in the summer holidays or a week off at Christmas.

If things are no further resolved, you are not an idiot, you are not expecting too much of him. He is by now used to hearing you chastise him, he hasn't changed, he isn't taking you seriously. You can be sure if you split he will say you were impossible to please, too demanding, blah blah. He can say what he likes, those who believe him won't matter, those who matter to you won't believe him.

First things first, do make yourself a GP's appointment.

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 20:35:48

He sounds hideous. And why all the sex? When he is treating you so badly.

I can't abide the "I do it all for you and the DC" bollocks, he clearly wants things this way. Expect he could turn nasty if you left and he had to pay maintenance etc, although that's no reason not to go.

Does he look after the DC alone often? Do his fair share of domestic work? Do you trust him to care for your DD and deal with an athsma attack? If not, then all the more reason to question being with him.

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 20:38:02

Re the sex I mean it's awful that he is pressuring you, and that you sound like you feel you have to have sex to "make up" when nothing is actually resolved and you are (understandably ) still angry with him.

He is treating you like a domestic appliance he can stick his dick in when he feels like it. I suggest doing the relevant research as to whether you can put him out of the house or whether you and DC would be better off moving; how much maintenance you will get, any benefits you might get, etc. Then sit him down and say you're not prepared to continue living like this and that he either starts pulling his weight in terms of housework and childcare, or you will end the marriage.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 21:01:37

I am not saying LTB. Undeniably when DCs are involved there is an added factor to consider. Nobody's perfect, every relationship has ups and downs.

Knowledge is power. Even if you don't yet feel inclined to find out legally what your expectations might be, how your assets would be divided, maintenance and so on, start by writing out a list of any bank accounts, pensions, maturing policies, outstanding debts.

You're not an unpaid housekeeper/childminder, you aren't there to service his needs. Not being salaried doesn't mean you are on duty 24/7 while he plays at being a big shot. Somewhere along the line perceptions got skewed.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 21:11:27

Just leave, take your children and leave - get a lawyer and make him support you.

Justwanttogiveup Thu 28-Mar-13 03:22:47

Been away dealing with a few things, so wanted to update the thread.

Dozer- he doesn't pressure me for sex. He doesn't get arsy or anything.

We had our talk- not in the park as dc wanted to do other things - but he knows he's a fool. He has sent his cv out to various head hunters and is looking at changing his job. He has had meeting with his boss and told them he is not doing all the extra hours for free on a permanent basis or otherwise just because he is a senior manager. They are short staffed and should hire anyway- just trying to save money by making sm work like 2 people and telling them that's why they get more money.

His boss was rather nasty so it looks like sending his cv was a good thing.

And he arranged for a babysitter, and took me out for cocktails and dinner.

I'm not going to ltb, not yet.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 28-Mar-13 04:10:23

All of that sounds very positive, justwant, I'm glad.

What line in the sand are you going to draw, though? I mean, in your head, what's the walkaway point? Nebulous "he's trying" stuff can get very confusing, whereas "if he doesn't at least do one evening shift with the DC per week, send out his CV and stop drinking" is more concrete. Not that I'm telling you what is or isn't important - just that you need to be clear, for you, what the line is.

good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Mar-13 09:45:25

Hope it works out for you, keep talking to him.

It sounds like changing his job would be a very positive thing, so I can understand why you are hopeful.

You will still need to address how he acts around the house though, not just get him to be home more. Right now it sounds like even when he's home he doesn't do anything, you have to sort everything. Did he address that?

Almostfree Sun 31-Mar-13 22:04:18

Hi, read through this whole thread and your DH sounds exactly like my ex DH. I'm sorry, but his boss being 'nasty' when your DH said he didn't want to work extra hours is likely to be an excuse so that he 'can't raise the issue again', will have to keep working the extra hours, could be putting his job at risk if he doesn't etc. etc.
Also the grandiose gestures eg babysitter & cocktails are because he knows he's been rumbled and he needs to get you back on side and back in your box. A real gesture would be doing teatime/bathtime/bedtime for the kids while you relaxed.
If he absolutely did have to work the extra hours, he could choose how to conduct himself when working couldn't he? Not drink, get back as soon as possibly, keeping in touch, not engage in flirty behaviour?
I really feel for you OP, I was exactly where you are - I finally found the strength to tell my DH it was over and I've never looked back. I have 3 DC, and not much of a support network, but I am so much happier. You're doing all the hard work with the DC now as it is - I'm telling you it's so much easier on your own than being with someone who could & should be helping you but isn't.

colditz Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:28

He is a prick. I have two asthmatic children and my boyfriend, not their father and not resident with us, would come round here if he could get here. And what does that tell you about how much he respects you and cares about his kids?

Is he on cocaine? Because coming in and trying to fuck at you is a very coke head thing to do.

AnonToSpareBlushes2 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:02

Actually, I do believe the thing about meeting suppliers could be true. Sometimes business overlaps with having social stuff like that, particularly in those types of industry.

But I think it's unforgivable not to come back, whether it's business or not, when you tell him that your DD is unwell and that you need his support. It must be really scary deciding how unwell she has to get before she needs to go to hospital, especially without a second opinion from the other parent. THAT is the really horrible thing he's done - especially as you called him in tears and clearly needed him.

flaminhoopsaloolah Mon 01-Apr-13 00:54:45

How long have you been tellibg him that this hasnt been working for you and how long has his minimising/stonewalling/playing the victim/diverting attention from the problem response to your concerns been going on for?

flaminhoopsaloolah Mon 01-Apr-13 00:56:40

How long have you been tellibg him that this hasnt been working for you and how long has his minimising/stonewalling/playing the victim/diverting attention from the problem response to your concerns been going on for?

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