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Is this a non starter (sorry, mega long post)

(59 Posts)
AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:25:08

Iv been single since I caught my DS's dad with another woman. Iv had the odd fling but nothing that serious. My DS is now 19months.

Very recently I got with a new guy. We dated when I was 13. He has a DS aged 7yrs. He says that he's never stopped thinking of me and that it's like when people reunite with their high school sweethearts. He says I'm the one.

My problem is that he brings up my past a lot. He seems to think that every male iv ever come in contact with that I have some sexual history with, which is not true.

He throws it in my face and makes sly comments which are not nasty but that I find offensive. Iv told him how I feel about it.

Otherwise he is excellent with my DS and I have bonded really well with his DS. He would do anything for me, helps out loads and is very loving and affectionate.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true? Does he have a really low opinion of me or is he just insecure?

Perhaps I'm worrying about nothing. Perhaps I'm paranoid. Perhaps I'm so used to things being or turning shit that that is what I expect. Argh I don't know. I need outside, informed opinions please

purplewithred Sat 23-Mar-13 00:30:17

Run for the hills. Hes a bit obsessed with your sexual past, doesnt believe you, and keeps on about something you've asked him to stop doing. Drop him now.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 00:31:11

I'm seeing a couple of red flags there. One is the way he's saying he's never stopped thinking of you, you are the one! Its ringing a bit similar to when not so nice men trot out all the treating you like a princess, I'd do anything for my princess type lines. If he never stopped thinking of you, why has he not got with you between the age of 13 and however old you are now? The other is the way he is making sly comments about your sexual history (or none sexual history with these men). Its not necessary and I'm not knowledgable enough to know whether that's a sign of an abusive man but that feels off to me. I would be wary in this same situation.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:33:59

Oh crap I was hoping you wouldn't say that although was completely prepared and thinking it myself. I am 25 now and we met up briefly when I was 15 but not in a good place. After that he had a child but when they split a year ago he said he'd been looking for me as such.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:34:32

Also forgot to say thank you for your comments

poorbuthappy Sat 23-Mar-13 00:39:04

Run now.
You know you need to run.

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 00:41:34

That's grim. He's pushing the boundaries. Wait till you get really serious it will step right up and he will make your life a total misery obsessing about your exes because he "just loves you SO much!" hmm

Dump, immediately.

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 00:42:10

Yes this a non-starter. Shame to have realised this after getting the kids involved, but the red flags are flapping so furiously they are deafening.

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Mar-13 00:50:43

How do you feel about him? He seems to think you're 'the one' but it seems like you're not so sure. If you're not that bothered, I would call it a day. If you do really like him, I would spell out for him that these comments and the attitude has to stop and never ever happen again as it is a deal-breaker for you. Of course you have to then stick to that.

hellsbells76 Sat 23-Mar-13 00:58:49

Eugh. I went out with someone like that when I was 19. It was exhausting. The final straw was when he got it into his head I must have been shagging my driving instructor two years earlier (short, bald, late 40s, father of my school friend hmm). You end up having these pointless arguments defending yourself against things that (a) didn't happen (b) would be fuck all to do with him if they had. Run. Like the wind. It will only get worse.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:02:05

What I really feel is that I love him to bits. I feel like we've never been apart and I know he truly loves me.

I know that a lot of the shit he is portraying is his insecurities as his ex cheated on him twice. I also know he has been through a hell of a lot over the last year.

He says he doesn't think bad things about me and that he doesn't think iv 'been' with everyone but it plays on his mind.

I feel in two minds as apart from this past stuff he is fixated with he is fantastic.

hellsbells76 Sat 23-Mar-13 01:08:40

But your ex cheated on you and you're not behaving like this. It really isn't good, and it will get worse. Suggest he gets himself some therapy to deal with his insecurities (if that's what it is - I still think controlling arse making excuses myself) but don't tolerate it.

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:11:05

Well I would finish it and tell him exactly why. It may well be the sharp shock that he needs.

Quite frankly you could have shagged an entire football team in one night and it wouldn't be anything to do with him and he needs to have that made quite clear to him. If he can't live with that then he can just tootle off and try and find someone who fits the bill of never having had a sex life till he, Mr Diamond Dick came along. And good luck with that!

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:18:03

He has seen this thread.....

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:18:57

p.s diamond dick is hilarious

AgnesBligg Sat 23-Mar-13 01:23:58

well, he can't really demand that you have had no relations since you were both 13 can he? Especially since you both have children?

Erm. He needs to grow up.

If he can't then he is a fool and you need to dump him quick.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:27:56

His response is that he doesn't care about my past and who iv slept with or if Iv even murdered someone (iv not!)
He said he cares about if it is thrown in his face or brought up in conversation and doesn't want me being connected with these people. (Apart from my DS's dad who I have no contact with anyway).

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:31:00

Er who throws it in his face?

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Mar-13 01:33:25

So has he agreed to not mention it again, ever? Even if it is 'thrown in his face' (by who exactly?) As for 'doesn't want me being connected with these people', well, that is nothing to do with him and nobody can rewrite history, so he either needs to get over that or you have no future. It's that simple. You are not connected with them, and he has to see that there is no need for any of this to matter now - in fact, ironically, he is creating a problem where there need not be one, by bringing it up. Tell him clearly this is the last time you will discuss any of it and that is the condition of your relationship continuing.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:34:32

Apparently I do because if he asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc. I tell the truth because believe me he would be worse if I lied

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:36:33

Wait! Is he one of those who gets a face like thunder, thus ruining every outing and making you all nervous because maybe someone said "Hi!" or you mentioned that you'd been to this place before with someone else? Is THAT what he calls "throwing it in his face"? I rather suspect it might be.

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:43:29

Right if he's reading this "Mr Diamond Dick it has nothing WHATSOEVER to do with you who angel has had relationships with before you, honestly it really doesn't. And at this point i would also like to mention how unattractive this kind of whiny "jealousy" is and if you can't get a grip of this teenage nonsense then ship out and let her find someone that isn't going to display the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old school boy every time her phone beeps, I rather suspect though that if you carrying on being such a chump you may well find the decision has been taken out of your hands as no emotionally healthy woman is going to put up with this kind of crap for very long. Hope that helps smile"

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 01:43:43

Erm, he doesn't care about your past or who you've slept with yet... he cares if it is brought up in conversation? Do you not see that means he cares about your past and who you've slept with?? I wasn't bothered about my ex's past at all, literally couldn't care less. If his exes popped up in conversation, either from other people mentioning them or my ex mentioning them himself, I didn't bat an eyelid. Because I didn't care. If your partner didnt care about your past he wouldn't care if it came up in conversation either. He's trying to talk his way around the fact he has issues.

Big red flag.

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Mar-13 02:02:16

OK, I thought this might be solvable but the more you say about him actively looking for ways to bring this up, the less it seems like a goer. Seriously, someone who asks you every time you get a text if it's someone you've slept with? That is someone with Issues and you don't need that. Tell him that very clearly and say that for the sake of both your kids you don't want to get into a relationship that's loaded with these kinds of problems. The only possible way this can continue is if he immediately and permanently stops this nonsense. But you have to make that ultimatum clear and leave him in no doubt that you mean it.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 02:05:53

He says he doesn't think bad things about me and that he doesn't think iv 'been' with everyone but it plays on his mind

He's lying. He thinks you've had it off with every man you've met, including the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker etc, and that you'll continue to do so with them and with any new men who come in your orbit because he sees you as a bitch on heat - gagging for it with any man you look at, or who happens to look your way.

This scenario never stops playing on his mind because he doesn't trust you, or any other woman for that matter, and the reason for this can be found in his past way before his ex allegedly 'cheated on him twice'.

This deeply insecure man has no love for women. He resents what he perceives to be the 'power' women have over him and he 'breaks' the women in his life so he can gain power over them. From your OP, it's clear he's already begun the process of breaking you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that, given time, he'll come to trust you, know you'll never hurt him, that you'll never be untrue, you'd never look at another man, he's your soulmate, you are 'meant' to be, 'love' will prevail, and other equally misguided sentiments.

If you stay with this man it won't be long before he becomes violent towards you - most probably just a slap or two first and he'll be so sorry, he'll cry real crocodile tears, he'll say he didn't know what came over him, it's because he loves you so much he can't bear the thought of losing you, and he'll promise it will never happen again... but of course it will and, before you know it, your life will become a living hell which, in turn, will adversely impact on your ds.

Don't waste time running - jump in the nearest car and put your foot down hard on the gas. The hills are that way >>>>

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 02:24:01

"The only possible way this can continue is if he immediately and permanently stops this nonsense"

Sounds good in theory, Machli, but jealous and abusive twunts such as Mr DD can't stop their nonsense in this lifetime without the type of pyschological intervention which can take years to bring about resolution of his issues.

If he's still reading, I challenge him to go one whole month without once making any reference whatsoever to Angel's past sex life.

Should he agree to take up the gauntlet I suggest you keep a shovel handy, Angel. because the effort will cause him to explode and splatter the sidwalk with unsightly litter.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 02:26:25

I'm intrigued to let him take up said challenge and see the response

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 02:29:12

Correction: please substitute Snazzy for 'Machli' in my above response.

Apologies, Machli... your name was on my mind as I intended to cite your response at 00:41:34 as being spot on in my earlier post.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 02:32:32

Let us know the start time and date, honey, and I'll begin the countdown... depending on how frequently you plan to see him during that time, I'll also start a book with odds on 1/2/3/4/812/24/36/48 hours etc grin

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 02:39:18

It will be starting tomorrow, il let you ladies commence the 'book' as odds were never my strong point wink

Will keep you updated.

BalloonSlayer Sat 23-Mar-13 07:55:53

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true?

What, the guy accuses you of shagging all and sundry and you think the relationship is too good to be true? confused

Are you mad? There is NO way this is even slightly a good relationship.

"Don't make the mistake of thinking that, given time, he'll come to trust you, know you'll never hurt him, that you'll never be untrue, you'd never look at another man, he's your soulmate, you are 'meant' to be, 'love' will prevail, and other equally misguided sentiments.

If you stay with this man it won't be long before he becomes violent towards you - most probably just a slap or two first and he'll be so sorry, he'll cry real crocodile tears, he'll say he didn't know what came over him, it's because he loves you so much he can't bear the thought of losing you, and he'll promise it will never happen again... but of course it will and, before you know it, your life will become a living hell"

Angel, I apologise for reposting Izzy's comment again, but It's Not Just A Theory. It happens, it's exhausting, and it gets worse not better. These aren't idle musings of his, and all it will take is for you to show it's not true... these are his deep held beliefs, and your loyal behaviour and denials will not make a gnat's blink of a difference to them.

Hope it's going ok.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 18:27:56

Things seem to have improved and miscommunication and misinterpretations unravelled. We had a brief talk earlier but will talk more when the kids are in bed and then I can best judge what he is saying and if there are red flags or if tempers were just high last night.

I don't feel smothered by him or like he's trying to wrap me in cotton wool or trying to keep me away from people. It just seems that maybe his past is haunting him a bit and he is just putting some worries on to me.

He said he wants to work on it because its just a scared part of him worrying that his heart will be broken again.

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 18:43:45

How has he 'seen this thread'? Did he go snooping for it or did you show him it?

Your past is none of his business. And you should stop making excuses for him about his past and blaming other women for him being a sexually jealous control freak.

I just tried, but I can't stop myself posting this...

Heard It All Before.

No-one ever comes out and says, sorry, it's because I just wanted to poke and poke and poke - it's always because they're so hurt and distressed and worried they just can't help being unpleasant to you to solve their own problems.

Perhaps not. Perhaps this is different. But bear in mind that this is not a novel, or even convincing, explanation. Painting himself as scared and worried and potentially heart-broken doesn't square with a man who:

"throws it in my face"
"makes sly comments"
"it plays on his mind."
"doesn't want me being connected with these people."
"asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc."

That's nasty and aggressive attitude, no matter how convincing the casual laugh that goes with it. Please don't accept any "poor me" conversation tonight unless it is also accompanied with a seriously large amount of "poor you" for him having behaved like this - not just a sighing agreement to try and reign it in for a few weeks.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 18:52:57

My husband has no interest in the sex life I had before him, and vice versa

Any insecurities he may have, he deals with himself

and vice versa

This is how it should be

I think your boyfriend will not stop scapegoating you, unless he has shedloads of therapy to deal with his inadequacies

Would he agree to that ?

Im with eggy on this, my DH no interest in previous relationships, and vice versa.

These are HIS issues and there are some huge red flags flying here.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 21:35:12

He has very recently began therapy. It was mainly bereavement therapy but it is covering all areas he has issues with.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 21:38:57

what ?

he has all the hallmarks of a controlling arsehole because he has been bereaved ?

you are excusing him this shit based on that ?

look, we have all lost people

does it turn us into a jealous twat with issues ?

no

OxfordBags Sat 23-Mar-13 21:53:13

Was the reason you've not seen him since you were 13 because he fell into a cryogenic chamber and was frozen in time for 12 years? Because him being 13 would be the only excuse for him behaving like this.

And even then, that'd make him a shitty 13 yr old who wasn't fit to be anyone's boyfriend.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 22:14:11

Another red flag! Therapy for "all areas he has issues with". His other issues so far sound like jealousy and control (as well as the aforementioned bereavement). Without being too harsh, I really think you are clinging onto that dream of childhood sweethearts and being "the one" right from the age of 13 and it's clouding your judgement so you can't see that this is a damaged man who has considerable issues.

TheSecondComing Sat 23-Mar-13 22:22:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well, I was going to say what thesecondcoming just said, so I Errol just add, when he gets nastier and you realist you don't know which way is up any more, because of gotta manipulation and control and bullying, we will still be here.

But I would save you and your DC the bother and pain, and run for the fucking hills. Red flags everywhere. And you really needed top work on your boundaries, he treats you badly and you think it's okay. It's not okay.

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 00:52:52

I ask again, how did he 'see this thread'?

ArtVandelay Sun 24-Mar-13 06:30:55

Oh dear, he sounds like a self indulgent, controlling arse at best and a manipulative nutter at worst. Nobody should be making you feel like this, especially someone who claims to care about you. Get shot of him before he drives you mad.

notimefors Sun 24-Mar-13 07:19:29

He sounds like he has too many issues with sex and women to be in a relationship right now. It won't work. It will leave you unhappy. Don't subject your DD to it - would be my advice.

MidnightMasquerader Sun 24-Mar-13 07:22:33

How did he see this thread?

Branleuse Sun 24-Mar-13 07:29:23

I think if his ex has cheated then it can cause major insecurities, but these can be overcome with work and talking - as long as he KNOWS when he's being unreasonable and is willing to talk etc.

id say that it sounds like it may be worth persevering but don't move in and give it time and let him know the sly comments are not ok

Branleuse Sun 24-Mar-13 07:35:13

he does have issues but then don't we all. lots of us get damaged along the way and sometimes have to work through trust issues. a few issues does not an abuser make

So many red flags her are fluttering. Men like this one who have inherent low self worth like women like yourself a lot because they can sense both the desparation and inherent low self esteem. This is about power and control on his part; he wants absolute over you to make him feel better. He will kill you emotionally in the end and drive you half mad in the process. Such men detest women.

You're 25; you do not want to arrive at 26 feeling even worse or more uncomfortable than you do now.

AN - what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. TBH you need to unlearn all the crap on relationships that you have been taught to date (and that also includes dumping this bloke asap) and start afresh with a new approach to relationships. I would also suggest counselling for your own self in this regard.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. That is you.

sudaname Sun 24-Mar-13 08:09:31

izzyizin brilliant post @ 02:53. and when exactly did you meet my exh? confused

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 24-Mar-13 08:16:51

"Apparently I do because if he asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc. I tell the truth because believe me he would be worse if I lied."

This last sentence is really worrying - what do you mean, he would be worse? That sounds like he's already threatening or at least verbally aggressive.

It sounds like what you need at the moment is some time on your own to rebuild your self esteem. Out of interest, how did you get together? Did he track you down and swoop in like a knight in shining armour, declaring his undying love for you and refusing to take no for an answer, by any chance?

AllOverIt Sun 24-Mar-13 08:21:36

Sorry, but I would run for the hills.

dawntigga Sun 24-Mar-13 09:13:42

I've decided on threads like this instead of LTB which op you aren't going to do (although you should), I'm going to say SWTB Stay With The Bastard as you aren't going to take any advice really anyway.

SWTBTiggaxx

Toasttoppers Sun 24-Mar-13 09:27:01

If you stay with him I see a miserable life for you and even worse you will teach your child that unhealthy relationships are okay. Put your child first.

He is hugely insecure and immature.

MushroomSoup Sun 24-Mar-13 09:58:12

You have managed all these years without him.

Tell him to come back when he's had enough counselling to know how to treat a grown woman in an adult relationship.

AngelNanny Sun 24-Mar-13 10:43:23

I think I will do what Mushroom says.

Thanks for all your help.

SirBoobAlot Sun 24-Mar-13 11:05:31

This guy is being a controlling prick and you want to play a game with him by setting him a challenge for how long he can not question you each time you speak to someone?

Wake up, and run away.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 24-Mar-13 11:10:31

Good advice from Mushroom, good decision. (But don't hold your breath.)

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