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moving on after a termination

(55 Posts)
kakiqueen Fri 22-Mar-13 22:56:28

Hello all,
This is my first post on mumsnet and I'd really appreciate some advice.
I had a termination on Wednesday, for various reasons.
My dh and I already have two young children and felt we could not cope with another. I ha e a history of severe PND with both children and a history of ongoing low mood.
Please don't judge me for the termination, I already feel terrible enough.
Since having had the procedure, I cannot stop crying and feel so sad. I still feel it was the best decision in bad circumstances, but my hormones are all over the place.

The problem is that my dh is being very factual about the situation and is getting increasingly cross and frustrated with my grief. I feel I am entitled to feel sad and don't understand him.
I feel I have to hide my true feelings from him and pretend I'm fine.
He says he is suffering from compassion fatigue in view of my previous depression.
I'm so sad that we are so separate at this awful time.
Do any of you have experience of termination and relationships with your partners?
How can we move on without fighting every time we try to talk about this, which is what has been happening.
I worry we will spoil what was a good marriage by not being able to get through this.
Any advice, please?
X

mrdarceych Fri 22-Mar-13 22:59:58

Am holding your hand....x

Try therapy/counselling?

Sorry you had to make such a tough decision. You should be able to grieve how you see fit & it's sad that you feel you can't in this situation.

If it was a good marriage why did you have to have a termination? you both seem similarly distraught by the loss of your child. So why did you both choose termination?

she already said ^

They felt it would be too much for them & she'd have bad PND again.
Might've missed something, op?

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 23:04:11

It is very early, I think your feelings must be raw. My only advice with any hard experience is time and kindness. X

If i'm honest, it's sound like you had it because you felt you should in that circumstance, not because you didn't want it. If that's the case then no wonder you feel sad!!

I had a termination, current DP was father and I still think about it, it was 14 years go. it was the right thing to do at the time, but very hard. Please go and get some counselling. It isn't the end of your relationship but IME very different for partners, flowers

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 23:06:35

Please be kind, op is very sad. It is done, for their reasons, op asked for help going forward not a review of what has gone before.

kakiqueen Fri 22-Mar-13 23:08:27

Thank you mr.Darcych. I wanted to add that although the decision was completely unanimous, I am so furious that he seems so untouched by it. And by the fact that I've had to bear the physical pain whilst he seemingly is getting on with his life, expecting me to do the same.
I feel I have done something that separates me from most people I know.
It feels awful.

kakiqueen Fri 22-Mar-13 23:14:08

Thanks yellowgreen...you are kind.
We felt we just could not cope with another baby and more post natal depression. I've also just started a new job, which would have meant no maternity pay and ensuing financial struggles, which is what we had in the past.

kakiqueen Fri 22-Mar-13 23:16:04

Thank you, 25cats...
I think that is what we need to do.
He thinks we don't.

mrdarceych Fri 22-Mar-13 23:19:05

I cant comment on your personal circumstances..it is a huge deal what you have been through... I know Am here to hand hold...x

Chunkamatic Fri 22-Mar-13 23:25:13

You can't force him to have counselling but you can seek some for yourself. Usually the service that does the termination can offer counselling before and after the procedure, have you thought of speaking to them as a first point.
Maybe for now you should accept that he can't offer you the support you need, due to his own feelings and involvement in it. I think you need to be able to grieve and understand your feelings about terminating the pregnancy without confusing it with angry feelings towards him.
I think it's probably quite different for the person who has gone through the termination and been pregnant than it is for the partnerso please dont think that this shows a fundamental flaw in your relationship.
Take care of yourself.

rhondajean Fri 22-Mar-13 23:25:41

Kaki yurndhnis being factual because he doesn't have hormones surging through him - he has supported you as best he can in what he thihks was the right thing -he sounds exhausted but you need support.

Can you go to the GP and ask for counselling?

DH not being able to support everything doesn't necessarily make him a bad man. Just a human.

And be kind to yourself. You have had to do a hard thing.

rhondajean Fri 22-Mar-13 23:26:05

Sorry - your DH is...

It may be that being factual is just your DH's way of dealing with it. He may be scared/unable to let himself feel any emotions about it and this could be why he's unable to empathise with you. Give him time.

I agree that it sounds like you'd benefit from counselling over this.

driftaway Sat 23-Mar-13 04:11:47

Hi Kakiqueen,

I had a termination last November. I won't go too deeply into my reasons for doing so, but I also have a history of depression/anxiety and would have been unable to provide financially/emotionally for a child at this point in my life. My relationship was also very unstable.

My partner wasn't particularly supportive at the time either, he didn't want to come with me to the clinic because it would be "too depressing for him". So I basically told him to pull his goddamn socks up and offer support or I would leave him. He came with me (out of obligation I guess) but has always been quite detached about the whole thing.

The termination was, and still is, something that I feel I undertook on my own, both emotionally and physically. My first visit at the clinic I was alone and i was heckled by religious protestors and I basically cowered in my car until a kind security guard came over and walked me over to the clinic. That first appointment and the first few days afterwards were very, very painful and lonely. I understand how you feel, but it is definitely something you can get through. I didn't think I would be able to but I did.

My relationship is much better now, strangely I think that the relationship stabilised after the termination and my partner has since tried to be a better partner to me. I just don't bother discussing it with him. And while I do think about the termination a lot, I don't regret it. I made the best decision i could with the information i had at the time. I definitely agree with other posters that professional counselling might be a great help, just being able to talk to someone neutral might make you feel less alone and get some of those thoughts out of your head, especially if you feel the depression is overwhelming you. This is difficult for anyone to deal with, let alone if you struggle with mental health issues. honestly I think partners are able to detach more because its not their body that it happens to, it's just something that they hear about and don't experience.

I do hope you feel better soon, just know you're not alone in the way you are feeling and hugs

Ps. Sorry if this post comes across as very clinical and long all these thoughts came out rather disjointed.

Boutdesouffle Sat 23-Mar-13 04:45:20

UnlikelyAmazonian, terminations don't only happen in 'bad' marriages, that is a naive, polarized and pretty offensive thing to say...

OP, I think you do have to remember you have all these hormones are rushing through your body and that will definately affect how you feel right now. I'm not saying the hormones are the reason you feel bad right now, but they add to the confusion and doubt. In time you will be able to realise that you made that decision for a reason.

It didn't happen in the same way to your partner, everything is probably a little more black and white to him. As hard as it seems I think you have to keep telling yourself that he isn't meaning to be heartless/unconcerned. I think you can come back from this. Time really is a great healer.

Homebird8 Sat 23-Mar-13 04:58:16

I had a termination, very unwanted, due to personal medical circumstances. sad

My DH and I grieved in different ways. My DM was horrified that he went back to work straight away whilst I was so tearful and hormonal. I needed to revisit events and the decision pathway over and over and find a way to build this into my life. My DH, hurting just as badly, needed to be busy and surround himself with the everyday normality of work.

I think, initially, because DM was so vocal about her disgust, I sided with DH and tried really hard to understand. In the time we had alone we agreed that it was ok to handle it differently and to stand up for each other's right to do it our own way. And that's how we got through it. We chose not to criticise and view that as support for our own personal and natural reactions.

There is no one way to do it or to feel Kakiqueen. Your way is just as valid as your DH's. Can you share your feelings? Can he share his?

I am sorry for your loss sad and send you confidence that you acted in the only way which made sense for all your family. thanks

Gigondas Sat 23-Mar-13 05:06:58

My heart goes out to you- I had a termination because of severe feotal abnormalities (my son would not have survived birth) at 21 weeks.

I am in still in therapy 6 years later (now largely for other reasons as I find it beneficial) which gives you some idea of how earth shattering it was.

I did go a bit mad with grief (thinking all kinds of mad things ). My dh was back at work whilst I wasn't. He became so frustrated and desperate that at one point he used to search on here to see how I was thinking as I felt I couldn't talk to him sad. He was struggling too but couldn't turn to me as I was not coping.

I went for bereavement counselling then to a psychotherapist who specialises in pregnancy issues. This helped me deal with my grief and not overload him.

I wonder if talking to someone (Gp, cruse or counsellor ) would give you an outlet. I realise that your dh reaction about compassion fatigue is different to mine but am offering this as my experience of how I dealt with this. That may allow you to channel your grief so you can have space and time to talk to your dh. This may also allow you time to see if he is just Acting out his grief or there is something more fundamental wrong.

ktef Sat 23-Mar-13 05:34:22

Be kind to yourself but also to him. You have both been through a lot already by the sounds of it and your husband is just feeling the way he feels. I think pregnancy and pregnancy loss is very different for men any way, it's not their body, not their hormones, not their sense of self, they are not aware of all the changes to your body etc. And personally I would prefer a dh who was honest enough to say he has compassion fatigue than a dh who just said the right things for the sake of keeping the peace. My dh did the same. I suffer from OCD and dh admits that he finds it bl

ktef Sat 23-Mar-13 05:38:05

Posted by mistake mid swear word! He finds it bloody hard. And he is a mental health professional! It is hard. But that doesn't make dh an unfeeling monster. It's just a sign that actually you have both been through a lot and made the right decision. Just try and get through this time as gently as possible, for both of you.

BettyBlueBlue Sat 23-Mar-13 05:38:55

Dear OP, I had a termination two and half years ago, pretty much for the same reasons you had yours. I had two children already and fell pregnant when the second one was ten months. I was psychologically and physically exhausted at the time and couldn't bear the to go through another pregnancy. Plus we were living in a one bedroom flat that we couldn't sell due to structural problems.

Both my DH and I were under a lot of stress and coping just about with two, it would have broken us to have to go through all the exhaustion and stress of another baby.

We were both 100% sure we didn't want another child so I had a termination.

It was very hard afterwards, though a part of me felt a great sense of relief, and you have to allow yourself to grieve, and to go through a period of mourning, like with any other loss.

I didn't go to counseling or therapy about it, but the whole episode exacerbated my anxiety and sleeplessness.

It will always be something that I will have to live with and cope with somehow. I was always pro abortion, as I think bringing a life into the world is an extremely serious decision, and it has to be done when you're sure about it, happy and in a financially and emotionally stable relationship, when you feel physically and psychologically strong.

I couldn't offer any of this at the time, unlike with my previous two children, so I was sure I couldn't go through it.

The way I think about it is that sometimes women have miscarriages because their bodies are telling them there's something wrong and the pregnancy cannot continue. Sometimes it's your mind telling you you cannot cope with the strain of pregnancy and raising another child. You have to listen to that, and respect it.

It will not make the grieving period any easier, but at least it will give you some perspective that what you did, hard as it was, was what you needed to do at the time for your own sake and the sake of your family, and even for the sake of not bringing another life to a world that was not ready for them.

Big hugs to you

BalloonSlayer Sat 23-Mar-13 07:35:14

I think people are being a bit too kind to the OP's DH. She doesn't say he is "grieving quietly" she says he is

"getting increasingly cross and frustrated with my grief. I feel I am entitled to feel sad and don't understand him.
I feel I have to hide my true feelings from him and pretend I'm fine.
He says he is suffering from compassion fatigue in view of my previous depression."

So she had dreadful PND, which is one of the reasons they decided on a termination, a massive emotional thing for a woman, and how he's decided that he doesn't feel like supporting her emotionally because he has had to do so in the past and is a bit bored of it all now...

Fucking DIDDUMS! angry

I'd be inclined to do what drfitaway did: I basically told him to pull his goddamn socks up and offer support or I would leave him.

I might I suppose substitute "come to counselling" for "offer support."

I know none of that is helpful.

My only helpful observation is to wonder whether, OP, your very natural grief is being interpreted by him as regret, and because he himself does not regret the termination he is worried that you are blaming him for having it. He may need reassurance that you still believe you have done the right thing,

kakiqueen Sat 23-Mar-13 07:36:14

Good morning,
thank you so much for all your kind replies.
Bettyblueblue, our situations sound very similar and I agree that bringing a child into the world is a massive thing that cannot be taken lightly. I just know I would not have been able to provide for it emotionally.
I was suicidal after my son's birth and he was very much wanted and planned for. When we had our daughter, I was under careful psychiatric supervision and on anti depressants.
I cannot contemplate what an unwanted baby would have done in terms of my mental health.
I started psychotherapy this January to address some of the issues in my life that have been causing my depression/general low mood. That's another reason this pregnancy was so terribly timed.
ktef, I will try to be kind to my dh.
We had a long talk after my last post last night during which he sobbed. I was so scared to see him crying, he never cries.
He said he feels the last ten years have been all about me and my mental health, which is more or less true.
He does prop me up most of the time and I can finally see how exhausting it is for him.
He often says he wants more levity and fun with me and I know I can be hard to live with (I'm not miserable all the time though, honest).
He said all he could envisage was me in a mental health institution and him alone with our 2 children and an unwanted baby. He said he is scared of
us separating.
I love him very much, I need to find ways to help myself get better in terms of mental health, without leaning too much on him. The therapy will help with this.
Maybe I need to find ways to spoil him a bit and show more how much I do love him.
Seeing him cry was horrid, I understand him more and why he is being unemotional about terminating an embryo, when to him the choice was between that and me being very ill again.
Homebird8, you are right, dh needs to be able to speak to someone too. I will ask him today if he wants to get the ball rolling with his doctor. I hadn't quite appreciated how traumatized he still is from the time surrounding my son's birth and how this termination has brought all those issues up for him, too.
Sadly, depression has made me very self absorbed.
Thank you all again so much for your kind replies.
x

kakiqueen Sat 23-Mar-13 07:40:36

Hi Balloonslayer,
please have a look at my latest post, it may explain dh a bit better.
You are right about him fearing I refgret the decision. I have reassured him that I do not.

BalloonSlayer Sat 23-Mar-13 07:43:36

Hi kaki yes that was bit of a cross post!

He does come over a lot better in that one.

So glad you had a useful talk.

thistlelicker Sat 23-Mar-13 07:43:37

Sorry this may sound harsh but you now need to think of
Contraception to prevent u feeling this way in future! What u did was selfless, you thought
Long term in respect to your feelings! Holding hand x

BoyMeetsWorld Sat 23-Mar-13 07:48:05

Hi kakiqueen,

Didn't want to read and run. I too had a termination due to less than ideal circumstances, a long time ago.

I think a couple of key things are:
*Realise that even though you feel you've done something that makes you different to others and this may worry and upset you, it's actually exceptionally common - there's a high chance a number of your friends have had one but because it's obviously not a talking point, you just don't know. You've done nothing wrong, you made a decision for the best.

*understand that the grief you're feeling is totally normal - I still feel sad about mine many many years later. But men just can't seem to get their head around it - it's not "real" for them. Perhaps tell your DP that you do need some extra support. But I believe expecting him to understand or to feel the same level of grief as you is what could harm your relationship - they just don't. Tell him you understand he doesn't feel it like you but you need time to grieve so he has to give you space and support.

Then give yourself lots of time, little treats and pampering to pick yourself up. Enjoy your children, don't try to stop yourself thinking about the termination or what might have been. Think about it all you need until you slowly deal with it. And throw yoursel even more into your job.

I hope your DP rises to the occasion and that you stay strong...it will get better, honest.

differentnameforthis Sat 23-Mar-13 08:19:27

I could have written your post in 2009. Same circs, 2 children, youngest 5mths. I had asked my gp to refer me for tubal ligation, but he refused, and they refused to sterilize me at dc2's section. The one time I felt ready after dc's birth & I fell pregnant.

I know that I couldn't do it again, medical reasons mainly. Already had 2 sections, pre eclmapsia, carpal tunnel, SPD. Still recovering from section/birth. I just couldn't do it.

Had the termination & felt instant relief, but also felt so alone. Why did dh get to live a "normal life" & I got to grieve. Yes, I did what was best, but you still need to grieve in a way. Why did he seem so dismissive of what I had been through? Why couldn't he understand how big a deal it was, yet also appreciate what I had done for the sake of all of us. A little understanding, some talking, some reassurance would have gone a long way, yet instead he said "it's all done now" hugged me quickly & moved on to what ever he was doing.

I internalised my grief, which turned into anxiety. A few months down the line I realised that I wasn't dealing as well I had thought I was (I didn't ever feel guilt, or regret it, my feelings mainly focused on "were my reasons good enough") and I sought counselling. It helped!

I also talked to a friend, that helped too. I came to realise that although I wanted this, I still had the right to grieve over the loss. And so I did.

DH told me recently that he really didn't see it was a big deal, because I wanted to do it! I told him how it affected me & he said he had no idea. I never even told him about the counselling at the time. Don't know why. I guess it all points to the fact that I felt like I had no support from him. He can't really explain it, he just said it didn't feel like a big deal to him. We had a problem, I sorted it. He thought that was it. I guess in some way I should have told him how I felt.

We didn't talk about for it a long time, because I couldn't understand why it didn't affect dh as it did me.

In short, it is still very early days. Find someone you can confide in that isn't your dh (I'll be happy to listen) and seek some counselling. It really will help. Be kind to yourself. Of course you are entitled to feel sad, and your dh really needs to understand that! Please don't keep your feeling locked away, I don't think that will help at all.

You will come out of this, op. You really will. 4 years on, I don't look back. I looked after a friends little one a while ago & I had that little one & my youngest on my lap & I had a peep at what my life would have been like & I didn't like it. I am glad I took the path I did, I am not really cut out for more children. I have now been sterilized, so more proof that my baby raising days are done.

differentnameforthis Sat 23-Mar-13 08:27:59

terminations don't only happen in 'bad' marriages, that is a naive, polarized and pretty offensive thing to say...

Absolutely. Dh & I had no issues at all in our relationship before this. We hit major rocks after the termination (again, his lack of support) but we came through it. Things are back to normal now.

If I were to fall pregnant again (hopefully not as sterilized) I would not hesitate to make the same choice as 4 years ago. That is no reflection on my marriage, just me, knowing my baby days are done & listening to my body telling me it doesn't like growing humans in it smile

differentnameforthis Sat 23-Mar-13 08:40:00

*Sorry this may sound harsh but you now need to think of
Contraception to prevent u feeling this way in future!*

Thistle, I was using condoms & on the mini pill when I fell pregnant. This assumption that unwanted pregnancies only happen when no contraception is being used has to stop. You have no idea what the op was using. Yes your post WAS harsh, because you assumed, you didn't ask! You just thought she must not have used anything...

kakiqueen Sat 23-Mar-13 08:59:00

Hello,
we were using contraception. Sadly it is not 100% reliable, as our situation and so many others, demonstrate.
Thank you for the kind and compassionate replies.
x

kakiqueen Sat 23-Mar-13 09:19:23

Differentnamefirthis, thank you. Your post gives me hope that dh and I will survive this. As you say, it's early days. X

differentnameforthis Sat 23-Mar-13 10:40:13

I'm pleased it gives you hope. Come back & talk here any time, don't worry about comments re contraceptive, I am astounded that people think those who have unwanted pregnancies can't be using contraception!

Feel free to pm if you want, too.

belfastbigmillie Sat 23-Mar-13 16:32:50

I am in a good marriage and had 2 kids (the youngest was 4 months) when one child got diagnosed with a serious medical condition and then I accidentally got pregnant again. We were in a very, very bad way regarding our child's health issues plus I was at the same time recovering from a section scar which wouldn't heal and baby no 2 wouldn't stop crying. Things were very grim and we had no family to support us. I had a mutually agreed termination and it was the right thing to do. We were barely keeping our heads above water as it was. Anyway, the hormone drop after the termination certainly sent me a bit doolally and a termination is a very lonely and sad experience for anyone. I don't think DHs understand as it is not their body and they have not seen/felt/experienced anything to help them to understand the trauma. For a long while afterwards I really hated DH's guts (irrationally) and there have been some bad fights. Our previously happy marriage went very downhill. I just wanted to take all my rage at the unfairness of my life out on him. We have worked through things and are now back (3 years later) in a good place. The termination was the right thing to do and you MUST keep telling yourself that and force yourself not to dwell on it. It is a very hard and lonely experience for any woman. You and your DH will get through this but it will take a long time. Best wishes xxx

belfastbigmillie Sat 23-Mar-13 16:38:11

In fact, at the time I posted on here in abject misery about the whole thing. Be kind to yourself and to your DH.

tribpot Sat 23-Mar-13 16:47:58

He said he feels the last ten years have been all about me and my mental health, which is more or less true.

Or to put it another way, you had bad PND after giving birth to his children and now you've gone through the severe trauma of a termination and you're meant to have pulled yourself together in four days?

Compassion fatigue my arse. I sympathise with him to some extent, it is hugely draining living with a partner with a long term health condition, but that doesn't prevent you from having compassion for the crisis points. He needs to man up and realise this wasn't an appendectomy (not that you would be back to normal in 4 days even if it was).

With your history of depression I would think you would be wise to seek counselling in any case to help process the recent events safely.

^ I need to find ways to help myself get better in terms of mental health, without leaning too much on him^

Only you can do the work to improve your mental health, but you should be able to count on him. Who the hell tells their partner they should be 'more fun' four days after a termination?

He's now cried about it, but has he comforted you at all?

belfastbigmillie Sat 23-Mar-13 16:51:16

I would imagine that termination and the drop in hormones could still trigger PND.

notthesamenametoday Sat 23-Mar-13 18:03:26

kaki I really feel for you. I had a termination 20 years ago - at Uni. It wasn't nice, my then bf refused to help me make the decision on the grounds that it was my body. Then afterwards (after I made the decision that I am sure he wanted anyway but didn't want to take any responsibility for) he was vile to me. Refused to collect me from hospital because it might upset him. He was a mummy's boy and they had a bizarre Oedipal relationship. She hated me and was always unbelievably rude. When I told him he should stick up for me he said 'how can you expect her to like you when you murdered her grandchild?' (she didn't even know about the termination and lived overseas most of the time).

Anyway, I know my circs were very different, but I was an awful mass of hormones afterwards. I cried myself to sleep sobbing 'I want my baby back' for a few weeks. I resented the people who had urged me to have a termination. I think it's completely normal.

Now I am so glad - and grateful to those people - because my life would have taken a different course and I wouldn't have had the children I have now. I honestly think we have the children we were supposed to have and it all happens for the right reasons.

You are so very right to preserve your mental health. You need to look after yourself, but also the children you have.

I have a friend who had two difficult pregnancies, pre-eclampsia, early babies and fragile MH. Against reason she had a third baby, again had the pre-eclampsia, baby early. She has never recovered and it's been at least six years. She is very ill, on loads of meds, still seeing her psych frequently, spends her whole life on FB posting those awful mawkish maxims about love, friendship, motherhood etc but hardly engages with the real world. So sad.

You did the right thing. It must have been horrible to see your dh cry. But at least you know he has deep feelings about this now and may resent him less. I hope you can both heal from this experience soon.x

Oh and agree totally with those who have said having a termination is no reflection on your marriage, and very narrow-minded for anyone to think so.

kakiqueen Sat 23-Mar-13 18:48:16

Thank you, notthesamenametoday. It is so helpful to hear other peoples'experiences. We are managing to talk today and I've cried a bit, too. I feel so sad for the little embryo I let go. But I know it was right.
It such a terrible conflict of feelings.
My hormones are definitely up the spout today and I can imagine crying myself to sleep again tonight.
I think I never imagined I could find myself in a situation like this.
x

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 21:59:39

Just talk to each other as much as you can. No one knows what his thoughts are at the moment so try to find out. Your hormones are causing your emotions to be much more intense at the moment and remember you will get through it and after a few weeks you will be able to see things clearer.
There is a free online counselling service for you which can be very helpful. You can also meet up with them if you prefer. Some only need one session and feel a lot better just for that but you can go regularly too.
Remember you're not alone and you will get through this and carry on to live a happy life. Remind yourself when you feel a bit wibbly that it was a big decision to make and you know it was the right one.

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 22:02:52

They do say that about a week after your hormone levels will drop and its normal to feel very low but you will come out the other end soon!

kakiqueen Sat 23-Mar-13 22:24:43

Thank you ladyapricot. Feeling very odd and detached this evening. X

Quodlibet Sat 23-Mar-13 22:43:17

Hi OP

There's a book called Unspeakable Losses by Kim Kluger Bell about the hidden grief and the psychological processes of pregnancy loss, including from termination. You might find it speaks to you - I found it very helpful after my MC. It made me realise how much we try to brush these losses under the carpet, when actually we might need significant time and space to get over them, whether or not we have chosen to end the pregnancy.

Homebird8 Sat 23-Mar-13 23:24:17

We had a long talk after my last post last night during which he sobbed... he never cries

I wonder if he feels the responsibility to be the strong one, to never let his feelings show, possibly because he really can see how you feel and is so frightened that he has been partially the cause (by getting you pregnant in the first place each time). I feel proud of him for his tears and of you for understanding his fears. You did make the right decision together, and together you can be strong. There is a strength in shared weakness, and in determinedly sharing your feelings, both of you.

You have made great leaps forward by talking so well together. My DH took a while to be able to do that. He also now seems to know exactly what to say to other men in similar situations. I hope your DH has the opportunity to share with other men how he is feeling. He may get some great support that way.

I hope someone will be along soon who knows of support groups you may be able to contact together. The hospital probably know. Ask your health visitor if you think it may be an idea worth exploring. I found talking with much older women (who I knew from church in my case) helped me. It's surprising how many people understand that pain. Keep posting. The collective support and wisdom of MN is unfathomable.

kakiqueen Sun 24-Mar-13 09:48:48

homebird8,thank you so much. I'm not quite sure what to do next I feel I have this rage bubbling inside me, I want to scream at my husband. Maybe he does feel guilty for getting me pregnant each time. I just feel like a failure. Maybe if I'd not had post natal depression with my other 2 children, then we could have had this baby. I feel it is essentially my own fault for not coping in the early years. Rather than it being an enjoyable period in our lives, we both look back in horror at my state of mind at the time.
Part if me feels so angry with my dh that he did not tell me about his fear until after the termination. Maybe we could have sought counselling for him and had the baby?
I'm so angry and lonely and irritable. He has now one for a 3 hour run, leaving me with our two kids, a messy house and a kid's party to go to, alone.

kakiqueen Sun 24-Mar-13 09:49:44

Thank you, quodlibet just ordered the book from amazon.x

Homebird8 Mon 25-Mar-13 08:14:38

Oh Queen (definitely not kaki). Your pain is palpable and I so wish there was anything anyone could say to make it more bearable. sad thanks It was six weeks before I could even function emotionally so don't expect too much of yourself.

I found just talking was my best outlet. I have to admit DH did have a limit on listening and I made sure he got time when I found someone else to talk to. Some of my friends got a telephone blow-by-blow account of our time in the hospital and all the feelings I had, on several occasions. I told them I knew how amazing they were being for listening as if it were all on a loop and I will always be grateful.

DH is no saint by the way, however much I do feel we handled it well together. He told me at one point to "stop obsessing" and that it was as if I was picking at the wound to actively stop my healing. I felt angry and abandoned and like nothing would ever be the same again. It isn't, there is always the gap in our lives left by that baby. Still, I know we made the only decision we could and that we have found happiness in our two DCs, and in each other. It was nearly 12 years ago and still I found myself in tears suddenly on Friday. It wasn't an anniversary, nothing particularly had happened. I just reached my limit and the tears just came.

I'm not quite sure what to do next

Maybe doing something is too much of an ask. Just be. Whether you try counselling, or group support, or acts of memorial that you choose, it's early days at the moment and nothing is going to act quickly to remove you both from your feelings. Try not to second guess your own decision. I'm sure you both gave every option full consideration and, as painful as it is, you made the right decision for your family.

If you think you need to then I'm sure your GP would be a good option for exploring support as you go through this. Given the pregnancy hormones it might be as well to keep a close eye on your mental health. Don't be mistaken about your very real grief though. It's not unreasonable and you have a right to your own feelings even if they are not shared.

Sending you a brew and wishing I could clear a chair (sure it's not that messy really wink) and sit down to share it with you. Holding your hand for the party.

differentnameforthis Tue 26-Mar-13 06:30:53

I feel so sad for the little embryo I let go. But I know it was right.

This may sound a bit 'woo' but this is what a friend told me to do. . . Talk to your lost embryo. Talk out loud to it. Let the words out. OK ok, I know that it isn't going to hear you, but you need to hear the words. I said I was sorry that I couldn't give it life, but that the life I would have given it probably wouldn't have been a very nice one/good one. And lots of other stuff that I don't really remember too much to be honest.

I think the reason my friend told me to do it, was to rationalise the reasons & feelings in my mind. To let my ears hear that I was sorry for what I had to do, even though I knew I had to do it, if that makes sense.

It was like I needed to explain it to myself, like part of me didn't understand. Which, honestly, it didn't really. I love kids, I always wanted lots, but once I had 2 not great pregnancies & I had to listen to my body! So it was at odds to what I had always wanted. Talking out loud to it, to myself help me to understand that sometimes things don't always go the way we want.

Oh & grieve! It is a loss. You have every right to grieve this loss.

kakiqueen Tue 26-Mar-13 13:40:03

Thank you, differentnameforthis. I will do that. I was thinking of writing it down, too. Like a letter to it. So sad...
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.
x

MaidMiniEgg2012 Tue 26-Mar-13 19:24:23

This thread has touched me. I had a termination 6 months ago, as DP and I have 4 children between us and could not afford any more. I was on the pill and it failed. DP was heartbroken, cried real huge tears as he blamed himself for "getting me pregnant" We made the decision together and I had the procedure. I was 6 weeks gone.
To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I veer from guilt, anger at self, disgust at self, to nothing. DP still gets tearful now. He adores children and if the time was right we would have continued with pregnancy. I cant bear to think of it as a "baby". I just cant.
I feel for you Queen I really do, as I myself suffered terrible delusional PND at 17 with my DS1. Mental illness is horrendous, especially at times like this.
Im thinking of you thanks xx

kakiqueen Tue 26-Mar-13 20:26:52

Thanks miniegg. I feel for you. It is so sad. Thus has really changed me. My dh and I are getting on ok, but I feel so emotional and similarly to you, I'm swinging between self disgust/loathing, numbness a d then suddenly feeling all rational about it.
Part of me can't believe I actually went ahead and did it. I take that as a very small comfort: I really must not have wanted to have another baby. But right now, tonight, all I want is that baby back.
Thank you for replying to this thread. Hearing from others really does help. In real life, I feel very separate from my friends.
x

MaidMiniEgg2012 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:46:25

Oh love, my heart goes out to you x

None of my real-life friends know about this, not because I'm ashamed to confide in them, its just I want this to remain a private thing, not a bit of gossip for people. I feel like a bit of a fraud sometimes around my friends, as I know we all know private things about one another, but I'm keeping quiet and it feels like I'm hiding something.

Doesn't it stir up some strange feelings and emotions?

I'm also from a Roman Catholic family, so they don't know either. There would be Hell to pay if they did. I was previously dead against terminations until I fell pg last time. I'm also on anti-epilepsy drugs which can cause birth defects etc, and can't stop taking them as inevitably I will start having fits again which is no good for looking after a 2 & 12 year old. Its just a mess.

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