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Just told him I'm leaving......

(82 Posts)
mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 18:35:52

well, hoped I'd never be writing my own post like this sad

I have found he's cheated, pretty obvious and evidence too. He's denying even though it's clearly undeniable. Anyway, relationship was bad for a while so icing on the cake for me.

We are not married, been together 7 years, joint mortgage and 2 dc, 2years and one who is 8 months.

He is angry at the moment and is threatening all sorts.....selling house immediately, only dealing with access through solicitors etc. I wanted to keep it civil and reasonable.

What is the normal amount of access, I was thinking every other weekend and a night in week?? Isn't this usual? I'm main carer (do everything!!!), work 3 days but am on mat leave at moment. He works full time.

Please can you tell me what would happen if he did get solicitors involved??? Have any of you had similar experience of someone arguing about access before anythings even been sorted?!

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 18:37:16

Bit misleading title......didn't mean I was leaving the house....meant I was leaving relationship. Sorry. Haven't slept and my head is a wreck. I've asked him to leave btw, he's not at the moment.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 19:23:55

Anyone???

schobe Fri 22-Mar-13 19:28:17

Totally don't know what I'm talking about but didn't want you to go unanswered.

From what I've read on here over the years, every other weekend and one night in the week sounds spot on given that you are the primary carer.

Good for you for leaving - if you're as sure as you sound, then he's a prick, almost literally.

Georgebooboo Fri 22-Mar-13 19:29:12

Sorry to hear what your going through. If I were you I would tell him to pack his bags and book an appointment with a solicitor , you can get a free Half hour. If he's the one that's cheated I'm not sure why he feels he has the right to be angry or dictate things. I wouldn't worry about things like contact just yet you've only just decided to split so get the basics sorted first x

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 19:34:16

Thank you both for replying. I think he's angry because he expected me to believe the rubbish excuses he was coming out with to explain the evidence. He also likes to control (refusing to talk about issues, ignoring me for a few days etc) so the fact I've finally taken control has really thrown him. Yes, just the basics at first sounds good. Bit worried as the childcare I had lined up for when I return to work is so expensive I wouldn't manage I dont think- hoping I'll now be eligible for tax credits. Bloody hell.....I never thought this would be happening to me.....
Thanks again x

betterthanever Fri 22-Mar-13 19:34:45

It's very quiet on here today.
Regarding contact arrangements as they are called, there is not normal/usual set plan it has to be `in the best interests of the child'.
Does he know how much it will cost to go down the legal route? does he have plenty income for that?
The first thing that they would suggest is mediation so he would have to sit down with you and talk direct to you about it. There is lots of talk now about `shared care' being the best option for children but for all he says he has to work out how that would work in the best interests of the DC's. And as he seen the housing market recently - they are not selling fast.. I don't know anything about the legal implications of selling the family home - my only experience is with contact issues.
There are lots of web sites with info on that you can read and apply to your own situation. The CAFCASS web site if a good start.
Keep posting - it is a minefield when you start out but it will be for him to. I would say very little and do your homework.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 19:35:36

Solicitor sounds good idea....thanks

Basically, never mind what he says. What happens is not wholly up to him.
Go and see a solicitor and discuss your options. Most solicitors give a free-half-hour consultation so find one who you feel suits you and understands you. You will be able to get advice about the family home, contact with DC and maintenance (every other weekend and one night in the week is fairly standard).

You can ask him to leave immediately, but if he refuses you can't throw him out and prevent him from returning unless he becomes violent or aggressive: however upsetting it is for the betrayed partner, adultery is not illegal and cannot be used as a justification to punish someone in any way other than by ending the relationship. Depending on the situation WRT who owns the family home, a court can order it to be sold or for one partner to buy the other out, but this can take time and it's better to reach an agreement between yourselves first.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 19:38:40

Oh great.....thank you!!!! Think the mediator would think he was nuts....I've said I want what's best for DCs. They adore him and he is able to care for them- why would I cause trouble??? He wouldn't have money for solicitors really no, that's what I thought.

Thankyou so much for your help. Felt so overwhelmed today....kept having to remind myself that we won't end up on a street corner, starving!!!! I will manage.

Thanks

myroomisatip Fri 22-Mar-13 19:41:40

Definitely go and see a solicitor and also the CAB for help with finances.

Try not to engage with him anymore. You have made your decision so take all the help you can to make sure you protect your interests and the interests of your children. So sorry. I hope you can get him to leave. sad

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 19:42:27

Thanks sgb!! He got nasty via text earlier saying he would sell and has asked 2 estate agents over tomorrow. I just replied "I think they probably need both of is to instruct a sale". He's trying to scare me. I would love to buy him out but I would need to borrow, if I can, I will. Perhaps I could even consider going back full time.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 19:49:21

Yes, I need to keep quiet now and just get busy thinking of all my options.

Can't believe it's actually got to this. If he had even admitted to cheating and told me why (2 babies close together....lack of tine together, etc blah blah cliche???) then I prob would have tried to get over it. The total disrespect in denying what is so blatantly true....trying to make out like its all in my head....I can't live with the sheer disrespect. I deserve SO much more....I dint want my DCs in a home where lies are told and not admitted to and issues can't be discussed. sad

ChippingInIsEggceptional Fri 22-Mar-13 19:53:24

<<Big Hugs>>

Even now it's clear you know what has been going on, he's still acting like a complete bastard. You say your relationship had been bad for a while - well, of course it had, he had checked out of it ages ago sad

OK - you will probably hate this idea, but don't dismiss it out of hand - think about it. Also, whether you go through with it is another thing - but tell him this. Tell him you are happy to organise access through solicitors if that's what he wants. Tell him you will be insisting on 50/50 shared care. This is important. Only then will he come around to accepting that he needs to be equally responsible for paying for childcare so you can both work, irrespective of where the children actually end up living and his meagre CSA will not cover that. Also, he needs to believe (for now at least) that he will still be (or rather, will become!) equally responsible for the children, he will not be swanning off living the bachelor life while you play drudge and bring up your children single handedly with him playing Disney Dad every other weekend - make that very clear. I understand that right now you just want to hold your babies close and not let that bastard take them away from you for a minute, let alone longer... but play the smart game, play the long game.

I'm really sorry you are in this shitty mess with this bastard sad
x

balia Fri 22-Mar-13 19:57:04

Sending sympathy your way - this recently happened to a friend of mine - she did throw him out and he went straight to OW - but even though he had moved in with her, he carried on denying it was anything other than a 'friendship'. As my friend pointed out, she must be very friendly if he didn't have to take any bedding with him.

st take some time to think about what you want - for yourself and the DC's. My friend also found it helpful to refuse texts and only answer to email,when she could control when she felt up to dealing with it. Is he still living in the FH?

betterthanever Fri 22-Mar-13 19:58:47

I was tempted to put something like chipping has given how he is acting. I think it is worth a shot. I would try and do that face to face, as I am sure his face would be a picture.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Fri 22-Mar-13 20:03:49

He's sending you horrible texts - so fucking typical. Git.

You did well before just to reply as you did, keep calm and don't rise to the bait. Fucking idiot he really is.

Have you any idea how long it has been going on for?

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 20:13:48

Thankyou lovely ladies....so nice to know I'm not going crazy.....chipping..yes!!! He had checked out ages ago....around the time our first born was due to be born. I look back now and think maybe I had a bit if pnd as I clung to him and really accepted things thAt I'd never dream of putting up with now.

I'm not sure how long it's been going on for- maybe a few months but my instincts really kicked in about a month ago. I have a feeling she doesn't know about me and dc....he had changed screen saver on phone to an arty picture. First time since dc1 scan pic it hadn't been of our dc. Also think it's a work colleague..just a hunch. I'm surprised how unbothered I an about her at the moment. Almost seems irrelevant....not going to waste my energy on her.

Chipping- the idea about suggesting 50/50 sounds logical but you're right....the thought of 50 percent of my time being away from my gorgeous babies....I can't contemplate it!!!! It makes sense though and I follow you're thought process on it.

Bollocks. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have this all sorted. sad

Thanks for your replies- means a lot

izzyizin Fri 22-Mar-13 20:16:16

As you're both named on a joint mortgage, neither of you can sell without the other's consent

Any estate agents who may call are unlikely to be too enthusiatic about taking the trouble to measure up/take photos etc and list a property where there's no guarantee they'll receive a fee no matter how many would-be buyers express an interest.

Having been exposed as a legover merchant philanderer, he's resorted to the typical knee-jerk reaction of anger at having been discovered.

Once he realises he can't sell your home from under you without your agreement, and gets an inkling of the likely legal bill he'll accrue if he attempts to compel you to agree through the Courts, he may have a full scale tantrum - at which time simply dial 999, let the police cart him off, and apply for an occupation order which will go some way to teaching him that patience is a virtue he'd do well to acquire smile

By the same token, you can't sell or become sole owner/mortgagee without his consent but, as it's unlikely it would be in your best interests to sell your home at the present time, you can afford to sit back and wait for the penny to drop in his slot - at which point he may become amenable to negotiation of the kind where you buy him out for a sum that reflects the lack of hassle and estate agents/solicitors/conveyancers fees you may expect were you to jointly sell on the open market.

Instead of racking up legal bills in the immediate future, I would suggest you keep your powder dry and wait to see if he instructs a solicitor in respect of your home/contact with dc etc - bear in mind that if he does so, you can respond direct to any correspondence you may receive and there's enough of us around this and the legal matters board to give 'the other side' a run for his money without you having to fork out £££s for solicitors' letters.

He's a loathsome stupid sod, isn't he? But, although he won't change his nature, he'll learn to tone it down when he's dealing with you - we can make sure of that grin

Btw, should he stop paying his share of the mortgage repayments, get on to the lender, explain your circumstances, and I feel sure you'll be able to reach some satisfactory agreement.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 20:16:37

Balia.....lol at the lack of bedding!!! Hahahaha x

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 20:23:17

Izzy......wow. Thankyou so much, such a helpful post. Yes, my fear was that he might leave as I've requested but then start to sod about with his part of payment.

Your comment about him toning it down is so spot on....I think he's already wondering where my strength is coming from. He would never have dreamt I would end it. He knows how much a family unit meant to me for our dc but my self respect means more now. My children need to have a good relationship role model and they just wouldn't have it the way it was going.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 20:26:26

Yes- your comment regarding responding to solicitors letters myself is so helpful too. Cor, thank goodness for mumsnet and you clever ladies.

I felt so lost earlier today and I'm beginning to think I can bloody do this.

He's not home yet, am wondering if he's decided to stay elsewhere tonight as I requested (the request that kick started him into his tantrum texts)......

izzyizin Fri 22-Mar-13 20:37:41

Do it, honey? You can more than do it... with all the willing hands here, you can do it with both of yours tied behind your back grin

As for responding to solicitors' letters yourself, after the end of this month there'll be no legal aid for divorce/family/housing matters and DIY in the form of self-representation will be necessary for many.

Seriously, if he gets shouty, starts chucking stuff around, DON'T HESITATE to dial 999. You've got 2 little dc to care for and neither you, nor they, need to witness a manchild kicking off and throwing his bantam weight around.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 22-Mar-13 20:45:52

You can do it!

I won't lie, there will be ups and downs but what you will learn about yourself will be worth it's weight in gold.

Keep calm and play it cold is my advice. don't be drawn into his games but keep your eye on what's important to you xx

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 20:54:05

Of course you can do it. You've been doing everything anyway and by the sounds of things, the only thing he's been contributing recently has been money. Otherwise, he's been Missing in Action.

The approach I'd take about contact is to tell him that on the contrary, you see the great opportunities there are with his plans to look after the children on his own as frequently as possible. Making their meals, doing their washing, getting them to sleep at night. What's not to like? It means you get a break, a reduced workload and can re-start your own social life.

ponygirlcurtis Fri 22-Mar-13 20:59:24

So sorry to hear of your situation. sad

Regards contact, you can set the tone of what you think is reasonable for the kids (ie he's not allowed to dictate what he wants, just because he wants it). I'd think that overnights might be a while away yet, give the young age of at least the little one, if not both. I left my FW of a H in May last year, and contact has been steady at: one evening a week after work (probably about 1.5hrs) and one day at the weekend, so I pick him up before bedtime.

I think this is reasonable. If he wants more than this, and if I don't agree, he needs to raise a (costly) court action. He may be granted overnight access every other weekend, he may not (because of the DCs' age). But either way, what you are thinking is reasonable, but I'd say work up to that as a final goal, not as the immediate arrangement. Start small, a couple of times a week for a couple of hours - if he's not used to having them on his own, especially.

Stay strong, lovely.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Mar-13 21:42:33

Thank you.....yOur posts really are an inspiration.
Yes, missing in action- that sums him up. Actually, he hasn't had both together for longer than 3 hours, never over night and thinking about it, he's only taken the eldest out for trips out (to shops etc), just leaves the baby with me.

I'm still b feeding a little at night anyway so there's a reason he couldn't do both over night.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm off to bed now but I am feeling so much more positive smile
I'll re read this thread tomorrow first thing so that i start the day feeling good smile xxxx

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 23:58:00

Fine but as soon as you've stopped breast feeding, make sure the little one goes too because sooner or later, he's got to face up to life as a single parent, which means supervising kids for more than 3 hours at a time. You do it; there's no reason why he shouldn't too.

tightfortime Sat 23-Mar-13 00:17:10

What a complete prick. Good on you for sorting yourself and not the OW. That will come later.

Delay tactics are in order. Start every response to every shitty text with: I think you'll find you can't do that. Make him check, legally, and take you on. Buy time and get your own legal advice.

Use it for estate agents (who won't touch your house with a barge pole while acrimonious stuff is happening btw) and for access to kids and money which you will take from bank account which he will demand back. Etc etc.

You will be fine. Once the denial, disbelief, hurt and rage has passed. But you sound strong and capable. Don't make it easy.

Even in 50-50 custody, the mum generally does more. In our, now civilised, case, he has two overnights and one evening a week. But obviously, a small baby is different.

You call the shots here. He lost that right when he betrayed you. Dickhead.

tightfortime Sat 23-Mar-13 00:18:58

Oh and little tip...when they want it all through solicitors, just agree. They soon discover that reasonable ex is much better to deal with. Keep surprising him.

pausingforbreath Sat 23-Mar-13 09:23:12

The others on this thread have given you thegood advice, but regarding tax credits ; I looked into all of this last year. The magic number is 16 hrs for full entitlement . I worked 15 hrs a week, had a word with my employer and they increased my hours to 16 - this would then of enabled me to claimed the working tax credit.

I have it in place ready, but have not used my extra hours entitlement for any claim.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 23-Mar-13 10:11:00

How are you doing this morning? Did he stay away?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 13:17:42

Hello all-
Well, yes, he stayed away...not sure if he'll be back tonight but at least I was able to relax last night and this morning. I've been looked after by my lovely cousin today and am just off to see a friend now. My eldest dc is excited by the snow so she's in a lovely mood (I've been worried that she's picking up on vibes but she seems ok).

Thanks for info re tax credits....do you mean you get them if you work 16 plus hours?? I work 3 days which prob works out about 24 hours.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 13:22:08

Tight for time-
Thanks for your post last night. It's interesting to hear other people's arrangements. When I reflected on what you've said I think a whole weekend is unrealistic at the moment, especially for my youngest.

Thankyou for saying I sound strong and capable- I think I've learnt that I have to be....and probably the stronger and more I have just got on with things, the more he has let me do. I've been realizing today just how little he had actually done for our youngest- he used to bath the eldest every night as a baby. I think he's bathed the youngest 3 or 3 times by himself. sad

pausingforbreath Sat 23-Mar-13 13:25:02

Hiya Mamma,
Yes, 16 or over hours a week .
When I worked mine out it was an 'extra' 7k in credits than on my 15 hrs.
Hence why I made sure I got the extra hour on my contract.

Nice update from you, you sound very positive - hope all remains calm and you can all move on quietly .

Take care.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 13:52:05

Don't worry, honey. You're not going to be parted from your babies for a minute longer than you have to be - and I suspect that won't be very long at all because it's highly unlikely that he'll want to play any role other than 'fun daddy' for a few hours at weekends, or wear his dc as a cross between a pulling accessory and a badge of honour in MaccyD's so that <in his tiny mind> unsuspecting women will view him as a 'hands on dad' and be attracted to his <hollow laugh> caring qualities.

By informing him that, of course, <in the fullness of time> he'll have the dc from Friday night to Monday morning every weekend <so that you can have an, ahem, exciting and rewarding social life> and half of all school holidays you're merely cutting him down to size making it clear to him that he can revise his plan to be 'fun daddy' (as above) whenever it suits him and that his contact with the dc will be as much about what suits you and, above all, them, as him.

Regard it as your mission to vapourise his dream of settling into a cosy newly purchased <with money he's done you out of> love nest with Ms Loose Knickers and, to this end, use the tried and trusted tactics that will shock and awe the fucker pull him up short and make him more amenable to civilised negotiation.

Any sign of those estate agents?

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 23-Mar-13 14:13:15

I'm glad you are being looked after smile and that DD1 is enjoying the snow!

What you do about shared care and what you say you want don't have to be the same thing... just think on it. You deserve for him to pay for half of the childcare costs (I think all non residential parents should have to) and he should not be thinking this is going to be like being single again. Really think about telling him you are going to be going for 50/50 shared care - let him come to you with compromises (both care & cost).

Do not let him assume he'll be able to just have the DD's for a few hours one day in the weekend. As much of a fuckwit he is, he's their Dad and he's going to have to become hands on, for their sake and yours. You have a new life to build which cannot be staying at home with the children 24/7 while he builds his career and his social life.

JsOtherHalf Sat 23-Mar-13 14:15:01

www.turn2us.org.uk/ will let you check what benefit amounts you are likely to get.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 14:19:46

Yes, feeling calm actually! I think the last month, where the rubbish has all been going on has been and gone and it's almost a relief that I've got to this point. He really has left me with no choice, I'd be a mug to stay in this relationship. Think I'd also b letting my dc down long term.

Just hope he doesn't cause too much upset now that I've ended it. Sad times but I'll be ok

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 14:20:36

Thank u jsother

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 14:35:28

If you stay in a relationship with this self-entitled arse you will be letting yourself down and, in turn, this will adversely impact on your dc in the longer term.

He's a liar and a cheat whch is an unsuitable role model for your dc and the sooner he leaves your home, the better.

As he failed to return last night, he's clearly got somewhere to stay and it's to be hoped he stays there until he grows up starts thinking with his brain instead of his dick.

You'll only be a mug if you allow him to railroad you into agreeing to any terms which are unreasonable and unfair to you and the dc.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 14:39:55

Thanks chipping. Wish you were able to be my spokeswoman and deal with him for me!!! He actually has increasingly Bren acting like he's a single man, think he feels frustrated in this family setting although I do know it also means a lot to him. He's buggered it up now though. Yes, it's unbelievable that theres no law about splitting childcare costs. Having two
Dc close together means double the cost. I'm thinking of going in to work and asking about doing another day. I know they wanted to increase my hours anyway. Obviously the downsides are my dd's will be in care for another day, away from me and also then if my salary increases, the help I get for childcare will go down I think?

Oh bloody hell.....it's a minefield!

JsOtherHalf Sat 23-Mar-13 16:19:58

Try the different figures in the calculator, you should be able to work out your finances would be.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:23:21

Thanks js...will do it tonight when DCs are in bed. Am hoping it's all doable for me. I know eventually when both are at school, I'll be able to provide quite well for them. It's just being part tune and the nursery fee thing that's going to cause trouble.

sallyfromthealley Sat 23-Mar-13 17:35:41

This thread is interesting to me as I am currently discussing access arrangements with ex. What if they refuse to have the children at all? (as in to be awkward/emotional blackmail.) What if they want to make life as difficult for you as possible and put themselves first, not the children? You can't make a man look after his children can you so what tactics can you use?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:42:46

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat Sally sad

Yeah, it's not until you're in the situation that you become aware of all the issues.

To be honest, I'm not really sure you can make someone see their children if they don't want to. Also, although it would infuriate me that je had walked away from his responsibilities, if a bloke didn't value my kids to spend time with them I wouldn't want him to be around them anyway (if that makes sense?)

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:50:22

Thanks izzy, just seen your post from 14.35. The bit about him being a liar and cheat is something I've thought about and know I can't get over. How can I raise my children to be honest when a lying bastard also lives under our roof ?? He hasn't had the decency to admit and explain so he is STILL lying. I will want my children to learn the lesson that if they do something wrong in life, to be big enough people to tell the truth and take responsibility. How can I insist on these morals knowing I've accepted the opposite from their father??? No....there's no going back. Every time I feel sad and wobble I need to remember these things. I also need to remember that he chose this, not me.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:51:34

He's staying at his dads, heard this from my dsis in law

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 17:53:54

Oh.....and hahaha quel surprise.....no estate agents?! Funny that eh????

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 23-Mar-13 18:30:06

You've got him figured!!

grin

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 18:37:39

It's all been so cliche it's rather embarrassing. Wouldn't you be embarrassed though to strop and make threats and not actually do it. It's like dealing with a 15 year old boy.....it would be amusing if it wasn't such a shite situation

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 18:39:01

It's very important that you stay resolved mamma, because once he works out that you mean business and he'll be required to parent his kids on his own for long periods in the future, I predict one of two likely responses. He'll either bolt completely and you won't see him for dust (especially if he's got someone else lined up) or he'll fake sorrow and contrition and try to persuade you to give it another go. You could probably cope with the first, monstrously unfair on you and the kids though that would be, but it would be a tragedy if you fell for the second.

Blokes who are this selfish and lazy at parenting rarely willingly look after their kids 50% of the time. They either contract it out to another woman (mum or OW) or they make a big show of seeing their kids for a few hours every now and then.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 23-Mar-13 18:44:36

Depressingly cliched, sadly.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 18:45:40

I think that it's going to be option number 2.....he does love them so much and I know that he really did want his kids to be raised in a family unit with mum and dad. Sadly, he just hasn't got it in him. I know that when he realises that I'm serious that he will start trying to win me around. I've been so sure and so strong but I am so sad my children won't see their daddy everyday- it's going to take all my resolve to stay firm.

Ideally I need no contact......

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 18:53:43

Well I wouldn't be so sure. If he had someone to go to, I think you'd find he'd put her before his kids every time.

But if he tries to persuade you to stay with him, be sure that it would be for the wrong reasons. It would be self-interest first and foremost: no solo parenting, a roof over his head and things done for him, finances intact and putting cynicism to one side for a minute, the opportunity to see his kids every day.

But what would be the deal for you? Solo parenting, constant and repeated infidelity, more workload, living with a liar, wasting your life away and the chance to meet someone better?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 23-Mar-13 18:58:34

Then there's the find someone new and expect her to look after the kids option.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 18:59:18

Badinage.....that is precisely the situation. Omg....your words describe it exactly!!!!!!! The last part of your post is definately what's in store for me.....he hasn't got it in him to offer anything else. Thankyou so much- I'll be reading and re reading that post in my wobbly moments.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 19:01:05

Tell you what, there's some wise, wise people about on here.......thank goodness for a bunch of strangers on t'net smile

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 19:12:54

Good.

Can I also pierce another myth?

You say he 'loves his kids' but as I was saying on another thread, love is a verb and so it's a 'doing' word. He hasn't 'done' love to you or the kids has he? It's easy to get all sentimental about 'love' but if someone doesn't act in a loving way, then it's all hot air.

Loving your kids means being there for them and doing the grotty things as well as the nice bits. He does none of that. Instead, he risked their happiness by fooling around and then threatening their mother when she wouldn't put up with it any more.

That really isn't love.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 19:21:53

And there you go.....another bloody good point. Yes, you're right. I suppose people have different understandings of the word too....and not forgetting that some f#*ing idiots just love themselves far mire than they would ever be able to love anyone. Even their kids. Twunt. Feeling the anger kicking back in now.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 23-Mar-13 20:15:37

Tell you what, there's some wise, wise people about on here.......thank goodness for a bunch of strangers on t'net

Largely from bitter, bitter experience!

The great thing about cliches is that it makes passing on hard learned lesson really much easier grin

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Mar-13 20:26:01

sad sad to know others have been where I am. Even sadder to know I won't be the last. Any man puts either of my dd's through this on 30 years time will be relieved of his penis by me and a large pair of rusty gardening shears.

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 01:54:51

Funnily enough, any wisdom I've gained is probably because I've had such a rewarding marriage to a great man who has despite some difficult times, 'done' love so amazingly well. So it's easier to contrast that with the truly awful fucknuggetry that some people practise in the name of 'love'.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 02:42:43

Pleased to hear that badinage smile my parents celebrated their 44th wedding anniversary in February. Still best friends and truly in love. They look after each other and genuinely think the other one is fantastic (most of the time!). They are my inspiration and my role model of how to love. Must keep them in my mind during any wobbly moments. The other day I let myself into their house when I went to visit....they were jiving in the kitchen with the radio turned full blast. Now that's the kinda relationship I want.....still jiving after 44 years smile

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 02:46:48

Am up at this hour with dd2. Sickness bug....3 changes of clothes in 3 hours, my bed changed, cot changed. Poor poppet. Am angry that I'm here alone looking after her because he'd rather invest time elsewhere than his family. Idiot. Good job she's got one parent who can fulfill their responsibilities. Grrrrrrrr.

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 02:53:26

Poor you sad

I'm up because DH is away atm and can't sleep, plus still recovering from chest infection that won't bloody go away.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 15:53:19

How you doing today, mamma ?

I've just been lurking so far because you are getting such brilliant advice and insights.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:21:14

Hey EF....thanks for asking.

I woke up in quite a good mood and then got some texts from him.

First one said he didn't want to sell the house.
Then said he would continue to pay the mortgage in full whilst I'm still on mat leave.
Then came a text STILL denying everything. And....the corker...."I cannot stay in a relationship where I am continually scrutinized and monitored".......er 1) I ended it yesterday and 2) u cheated on me....how dare he try to turn it round to me 'monitoring and scrutinising'.

At the start of the texts I told him dd2 had been ill in night. He said he'd be round soon to see her. Because I didn't respond favorably to the protests of innocence....guess what???? Yes, you guessed it he didn't come to see her. Nice.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 24-Mar-13 20:03:09

Classic wankery!! Re invent the truth to make himself look like a good guy!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 20:08:21

Yep.....so the actual reason we're in this mess is because I am suspicious and always accusing. Perhaps if u didn't give me reason to I wouldn't ask you what the fuck you're up to?! Oh, I forgot. You want me to put up and shut up. No way buster.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 20:26:34

Indeed

"No way, buster" sums it up

If he is going to use your dc's to make a point, he is a shit of the highest order

betterthanever Sun 24-Mar-13 20:52:55

You are doing really well - he sounds like he is not!
If possible I would reduce the communication with him as he is just floundering around trying to somehow justify this to himself. And it makes me chuckle this we are selling the house, we are not as if he gets to decide everything. But if he will pay the mortgage while you are still on maternity you get more time to decide what you need moving forward and I guess he realises if the house is reposessd because the mortgage is not being paid he loses out.
Keep strong, well done you.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 21:09:32

Thanks better.....yes, the mortgage stuff is a relief as the whole finical stuff was my main stress yesterday.

Yes, the communication thing is going to be hard. I have a feeling he'll be trying to come and go as he pleases. I'll start to ignore the texts if they become too much. I need space.

Another day done. Am proud of myself.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 21:10:50

You should be smile

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 21:10:52

Thanks ladies- said it yesterday but will say again. Hurrah for mumsnet x

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 24-Mar-13 21:18:05

Another day done. Am proud of myself

wine to you!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 21:28:00

Thankyou!! Xxx

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 21:29:17

Another bit of evidence to disprove the myth that he loves his kids then eh?

Don't get into a text war with him.

It might be worth buying a cheap PAYG just for communication with him so your own phone isn't infected with this drivel. But stick to facts about the kids and the divorce and don't get into discussing the whys and wherefores of your relationship.

He shouldn't be coming into the house at all. Even a BF baby can be taken out for short times.

aPseudonymToFoolHim Sun 24-Mar-13 21:32:54

Sorry, not read whole thread, but just wanted to say that ime solicitor will suggest every other weekend and one eve in the week he doesn't have them.
But be aware that Legal Aid for divorce/family is due to run out at the end of this financial year.

saravalerie Sun 24-Mar-13 22:03:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 22:04:24

hmm

StuffezLaBouche Sun 24-Mar-13 22:05:11

Oh dear.

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