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Am I doing the right thing breaking up with him?

(52 Posts)
InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 11:34:00

MN won't let me name change but know some of you will remember other posts so brief history.

I flip flap between sleeping with dd's dad, wishing I was with ds's dad and dating. Have been sleeping with dd's dad since November, had a wobble about ds dad which resulted in a thread in AIBU that gave me loads of good advice.

DD's dad is really really irresponsible, is always the victim and nothing is ever his fault. He does try but is quite feckless there is always something going on like he's in court today because he forgot to tell the DVLA when he sold his van. He lost his job, started another one moved to london moved back to Bristol and has been staying with me since January. He is not staying with me now.

We seem to have got into a pattern of being really really lovey dovey and hugging all night, chatting all night, cooking shopping and take aways, movies, drink ups, cinema, family stuff like bike rides and birthday parties and meals. Then little niggles he shouts at me I shout at him, then bigger arguments then his stuff goes to his mums. 2/3 days later he's all apologetic I'm missing him and we get back together all lovey dovey again. When it is all nice I have never been happier it's so lovely to feel cared about and loved.

Main problems are the kids, he thinks they are spoilt, honestly 100% I don't have brats he thinks they are spoilt because you might have to tell them to tidy up their toys every day and I pick up after them to much. I don't but thats how he sees it. It also comes across that when dc are at my mums or nans we're really good but when they're about he gets jealous almost of the attention they get. He doesn't take no responsibility with them now apart from telling them to tidy up. I also get really upset I feel he doesn't include dd like the rest although he twists it and says dd see's him more and has more then the rest.

A few comments he has made have really upset me, he said the dd we have together is our princess but his youngest dd is his queen. He also says his second eldest ds is spoilt and doesn't like seeing him, but when you pick him up on things he twists it all round.

He filmed us having sex, I did post about it I know it's a red flag I know he's a dick but after we argued about it and he left I still took him back. He also is selfish with regards to that and will stick it in while I'm asleep ect ect. Another thing we have argued about.

He cannot take any form of criticism and takes anything I say to heart, when I explained the dc complaining to me he's to bossy he took it to a whole other level and said he's refusing to tell them anything again.

He is now apparently new best friends with his ex wife, I have no problem with them being vague friends or him going round there but now this best friend thing (last few weeks he's told me this) is to much for me. I might sound possessive jealous ect but I don't want to be with someone who is best friends with their ex.

He has 6 dc including our dd and had a phone call from the csa a few days ago with a woman saying her 2 yr old ds is his. He's saying he doesn't want nothing to do with it as he don't believe it's his, she was married and put the child in her husbands name so in his eyes he thinks it should only be down to her to sort dna test out. (what a dick) I also get really upset I feel he doesn't include dd like the rest although he twists it and says dd see's him more and has more then the rest but he doesn't take dd round his mums like the rest she's seen his mum twice in the last 18months and one of those times was her sisters birthday party.

He keeps managing my expectations if that makes sense, whenever I get to happy and to comfortable and ask to much of him he then starts talking about how he won't get married again and yes we're in a relationship but with no ties. But whenever we argue and split up to get back with me he paints our future together saying we are properly together and of course he wants to get married and that but not yet.

My dm thinks he's started to see someone else, I'm not quite sure whether he is or isn't but a few suspect things have happened.

I say all this and am obviously not happy with him but I think if I give more and am more patient it will all work out, I know he will never leave me for good but it's all his terms. We have properly split up I have told him I really don't want to be with him anymore but I have this thing in my head saying I'm making the wrong decision by splitting up. Maybe it is me, he keeps saying I'm pushing him away with the arguments all the time but then I think well why are we arguing in the first place unless there was something to argue about!

If you have read my epic post thank you, any advice will be really appreciated.

ilovepicnmix Fri 22-Mar-13 11:42:12

He sounds like an irresponsible disaster! When you say he sticks it in when you're asleep do you mean his cock? If so that is really not right! It will be hard but I think you need to bin him. Be on your own and the chances are that you will meet someone else who makes you feel cared for etc and also respects you. Im sorry but it doesn't sound like this man does.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 11:44:02

The short answer: 'Yes'

Read your post but substitute your name for one of someone you care about....or come to that, anyone. How would you advise them?
No doubt about it - get out of this relationship and stay out.

daffsarecomingup Fri 22-Mar-13 11:44:36


izzyizin Fri 22-Mar-13 11:45:21

After reading your post, I need a brandy shock

And you continue to indulge and sleep with this oxygen thief because... ? Are you hoping for 5 minutes of fame on the JK show?

Can you not see how damaging this is for your dc?

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 11:54:10

I know it sounds terrible all wrote down, I even wrote down not last night the night before all the reasons and things he's done and I filled an A4 paper both sides.

So why do I feel I'm making the wrong decision sad confused

pleasestoptalking Fri 22-Mar-13 11:57:38

because you don't want to be alone and think that being with a twat is better than being alone?

BunnyLane Fri 22-Mar-13 12:01:03

All of it is wrong! It's absolutely unhealthy especially for your children that is not an example any child should have as a healthy relationship!

Never let him in again! Lovingfreedom is absolutely right imagine what advice would you give to someone else if they were in your situation??? ISn't it obvious?

You feel like you're making a wrong decision because he's a manipulative twat, when things get bad he tells you what you want to hear and you choose to believe him...

He'll never make you truly happy because he has no interest in anyone else but himself it's obvious!

Just don't ever let him back in again. you deserve better, anyone would!

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 12:03:03

Because this kind of drama is exciting and addictive? You want to believe that deep down he loves you...that perfect kind of love that no-one else understands? Something like that?

If you won't think about what's good for you, think of what's good for the kids. Please!!

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 12:03:21

But I'm normally on my own, jheeze it's only been a few months have no idea why I became so attached. I was crying last night because it's my birthday next month and I won't have anyone to spend it with, how pathetic is that.

Have to remind myself why I like being single, and having a knob jockeying manchild isn't the same as a partner.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 22-Mar-13 12:06:22

Run OP, run and don't look back!

This man has history, likes the women, you want him to choose you.... He will never be exclusive.

There is someone else out there who will treat you a whole lot better than this man ever could. Walk away and go and find him.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 12:09:01

OMG you have nailed it, it's almost like a ego boost knowing I'm the last girl standing. <face palms>

I don't even want a man right now, need to get back to me again first, but yes in the future I want the white picket fence type of family not this bullshit and won't ever get this from him.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 12:09:40

What's the story with DS's dad? You said you wish you were with him.

Finola1step Fri 22-Mar-13 12:13:21

OP there is so much in your original post that is really worrying. I can not begin to imagine the impact that this is having on your children.

The most alarming statement is about what he does when you are asleep. If he is doing what I think he is doing, without your consent (because you are asleep and therefore unable to consent), then there is only one word to describe this disgraceful waste of a man.

Please get this abusive b******d away from you and your children.

izzyizin Fri 22-Mar-13 12:21:58

I was crying last night because it's my birthday next month and I won't have anyone to spend it with, how pathetic is that

Of course you won't be alone on your birthday; you've got dc, a dm, and no doubt other family members and friends to celebrate with.

What you're saying is you dont 'have a man' to spend it with - and that truly is pathetic.

Get a grip, honey - you've come to the right place for advice on how to achieve that end and all you need to do is act on it and kick this bellend in orbit around planet offufuck.

it's so lovely to feel cared about and loved Once you start caring for and loving yourself, you can experience that feeling every day. And you can then put your mind to caring about whether the men you engage in relationships with are worthy of you loving and caring for them.

This twat's clearly a complete waste of time and space - ditch him, get your self-respect back, and start being a positive role model for your dc.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 12:27:16

Just another cunty thing to get off my chest, christmas eve he stayed over, and didn't even get up with me and the dc in the morning. They didn't wake up till after 8 either. angry

With ds dad I get my rose tinted specs on every now and again and become nostalgic, he got deported when ds was a baby so we didn't have no real ending. Only mentioned it in OP as there was a large AIBU of me upset because ds was upset.

I understand what your saying Fin, I had it in my head it was better for dc me being with him and at least dd can see her dad every day instead of randomly here and there but it's really not better for them at all.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 12:29:27

Please push that into me izzy, swear my self respect flew out as he flew in arghh

izzyizin Fri 22-Mar-13 12:32:49

Forget ds's dad - he's history and there's no point in trying to re-write it. In any event, I suspect he would have turned out to be as big a bellend as your dd's sperm donor, albeit maybe in different ways.

You've got 2 dc by 2 'fathers' who are not fit wear the title. It's time to call a halt and take stock of what you've achieved in your life to date and what you want to achieve in the future.

My reaction was exactly the same as distrusting
Run - run like the wind and don't look back.
You know you are worth more than this.
You can do it! Good luck.

Letting go of any relationship, no matter how bad it is, is bloody hard. Especially when there's a long history, DCs involved etc.

But just think for a minute. If your dd came to you with this story, what would you advise her?

You know you do not want her growing up thinking this is what a relationship looks like.

You have put up with far too much from this man, you have to be strong now and do the right thing.
You will be so much better off away from him. And so will your DCs.

Ashoething Fri 22-Mar-13 13:15:38

Your poor dcs. They must be so confused.

Ashoething Fri 22-Mar-13 13:15:59

PS-why wont mn let you name change?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 13:19:46

If you are feeling confused and upset and can't think straight, when you are the adult who has choices here, how on earth do you think your DCs feel?

You need to get some self-respect and put your children first - and give them some stability.

GladbagsGold Fri 22-Mar-13 13:25:16

The man you are posting about is a rapist.

Get rid of him. For your own sake and your childrens'. Please don't let your children think it is better to be with a rapist than to be single.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 13:27:24

Gladbags I missed that part.

OP - seriously, what the fuck are you thinking?

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 14:08:27

I'm sure it sounds worse wrote down then what it is. It's not rape as in rape which isn't really to do with sex and is to do with control and violence, it's more his selfishness and he wants something he has it. Thats anything not just sex. Does sound awful wrote down.

Kids aren't any more confused then usual, he's always in and out anyway and is slapdash about seeing them. Thats their normal, sometimes he has them a lot every weekend and sometimes he goes 2/3 months with only a few phone calls if he's busy and out of the country a lot. He does pull through for birthdays and occasions kids are not upset or confused although they do prefer it when it's just the 3 of us. Which I am listening to and one of the biggest reasons we have split up.

Thanks for all the advice, has firmed my resolve just getting it all out tbh.

Ashoething Fri 22-Mar-13 14:41:43

Sorry but if I didnt know which daddy was going to be in mums bed from one week until the next then I would sure as hell be confused! Your dcs deserve better.

HeySoulSister Fri 22-Mar-13 14:46:43

Who pays for all this??

Cos I'm thinking you must be in a mess financially If these men are to-ing and fro-ing this much as you are of course informing all benefits agencies who is regularly there and paying for stuff... Aren't you? And again informing them as he moves out again.. Takes ages for benefit adjustments

Willow36 Fri 22-Mar-13 14:54:26

He's having sex with you without your consent. That's rape.

I'm fizzing with anger that you're justifying his disgusting actions.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 14:55:19

Of course it sounds awful written down, because it is awful.

You have minimised everything so much, that this all seems normal to you. Trust me, it is far from normal, very far.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 14:56:47

Why can't you name change ? confused

Willow36 Fri 22-Mar-13 14:57:20

Get rid of him for the sake of your children. Get rid of him for your sake. Find someone who treats you with some respect, because this scumbag doesn't, despite what you may think when he's being "lovey dovey". All of his actions are about control, can't you see that? He controls you like you're a puppet on a string and at the moment you're letting him.

Don't let your DD grow up thinking that it's ok to be treated like that and don't let your DS grow up thinking that it's ok to treat a woman like that. Heck, not just women - no one should be treated the way he's treating you.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 17:37:09

There is no confusion with different daddy's waking up in my bed and them moving in and out, ds dad doesn't live in this country. I'm not on benefits either.... Thanks for the assumption hmm but I do work ft.

Can't name change because on the registration it wont let me scroll down and keeps going on funny confused

I am listening, I know what your all saying is right I know what I have to do. Just going to take a while for it all to settle down, even just now he rang and wanted to come over and spend the night hmm like nothing's happened! Argh angry and didn't even ask about dd who's not very well at the moment.

Ashoething Fri 22-Mar-13 17:47:06


EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 18:04:58

So, is he coming over then ?

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 18:05:49

You need to email HQ about their system glitch, btw

Not being able to namechange is a bit of a pain, and shouldn't happen if everything is ok with your account

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 18:07:48

No of course not, having a night in with my friend and a take away.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 22-Mar-13 18:27:32

This is going to sound awful and it's not meant to..
In a conversation with some male acquaintances (defo not friends) you know the type, good looking, "players." Anyway, vile as their conversation was, one thing stuck with me. They talked about the "reek of desperation" that comes from certain women. It meant they could fuck that woman about in the most humiliating ways, and I've seen them do it, and the woman would still be clinging on, desperately hoping the man would finish the night in her bed.

I'm really sorry, OP, but you seem unable to envisage a life without a male. Any male. There really are worse things than being alone.

JudithIscariot Fri 22-Mar-13 18:40:35

He is a prize twat and you really must gain some self respect and kick him to touch.

JudithIscariot Fri 22-Mar-13 18:41:28

He is SO not worth your effort or concern.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 22-Mar-13 18:50:37

Yes you are doing the right thing in breaking up with him. Imho, it is also the right thing for this break up to be permanent. And I mean the kind of boundaries that won't let him cross your threshold ever again-that means holidays/birthdays too. He can see his offspring on his time, in his space. This sort of rule is not to necessarily punish him, but rather protect you from your own weak resolve. Don't create situations that will challenge you and lead to another collapse of your own self-respect.

Let all of his verbalizations wash over and past you like a puff of smoke in a very strong wind-they are worth about as much and last about as long if he bothers at all. Try to have a simple phrase ready and repeat as necessary, for example: "I'm done; tell it to the next one."

Perhaps you are feeling a bit of separation anxiety? This will pass. It will-just give it a chance to dissipate.

You say you are aware of 'rose tented glases' for your other Baby Daddy, but what about the ones you use for this one?
"...but I think if I give more and am more patient it will all work out, I know he will never leave me for good but it's all his terms."

Of course he won't leave you for good: you are intercourse on demand no matter how horridly he treats you (isn't he a lucky bloke?!). It appears that you are nothing more than a warm semen receptor to him; he has you very well trained (minimizing and dismissing rape shock as just another control tactic). All for the price of a little "lovey dovey" role playing-this is what is pathetic, not that you won't have a partner on special calendar days. This makes me wonder if you have a sex addiction yourself to put up with this.

INOBrandy, you show a little angry face in your previous post (17:37:09) but your words do not demonstrate it very much through out this thread. I have perhaps crossed the line on offensiveness in my post, I am sorry. But I hope it may encourage you to have and embrace your well justified anger and not be talked out of your own feelings any more.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:32:14

He's just text me so we're not together and were not sleeping together is that right. I just text back yes that's right. Why do I feel bad and that I'm making the wrong decision. I know I'm Not logically just this Feeling inside I'm over egging all this.
I am not usually like this, am usually on my own and happy with that! Not sure how I let him get so embroiled in my life again or why I minimise it. It's like I really want to be with him like he's my last chance. I think it's because he comes across and can be such a nice guy, really really nice.

I know I'm coming across as a stupid little girl it's just how I feel right now and I know as much as I want it it's not going to work. Hard though when you can just shush about things and keep the good things.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 19:34:19

He will talk you round again.

Won't he ?

Loulybelle Fri 22-Mar-13 19:40:49

Do you want your DD thinking "This is what mum settled for, so i suppose i should"?

JudithIscariot Fri 22-Mar-13 19:48:43

Loulybelle says it so well.

Finola1step Fri 22-Mar-13 19:57:30

So that text that he sent you, checking if you are together or not, still sleeping with him etc.. Just happens to be Friday night eh? Any possibility that he was checking how the land lies with you so that if he doesn't pull he can come back to yours for a late night quickie?

So now that you have told him "no", what do you think he will do? My guess is he will be out on the pull tonight in full knowledge that he can do what he wants, when he wants. And even if you change your mind and find out he pulled tonight? Well, you did tell him it was over. He sees you as a complete mug and treats you like it too. Sorry to be so harsh but I suspect you won't listen to the gentle approach.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 20:09:00

Get a grip....!'s not so hard. Don't get back with him. End of.
Think of the kids's fun for you to be so in demand and get all this attention...but the kids don't have any say in this.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 20:09:56

Why not be honest with yourself and just admit that you can't bring yourself to give up the sex? Which must be pretty hot for you to put up with being used and abused in this way?

I feel so sorry for you, because you clearly have incredibly low self-esteem. Please recognise that and takes steps to improve it - for your children's sake if not your own.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 22-Mar-13 21:24:25

It's really not about the sex, it's more I don't want to give up the sweet things like him rubbing my belly while I'm falling asleep because it's cramping or coming home and he's tidied up, cooked dinner and ran me a bath he really does make me feel loved . But we keep arguing about the slightest thing I go off on one and pack up any of his shit laying about, he doesn't see things my way or in a normal way and values are to different and so is the parenting style. He will spoil them and let them do or say or have anything they want. He is also very selfish but at the same time incredibly unselfish and will give me the shirt off his back if I needed it and has done.

I don't think I have put across everything fairly he does try hard and he is doing a lot right now.

I know we can't be together, I know it's not good on me or the kids my mum can't stand him nor my friends and that says a lot. I think it's me thats the problem I don't know how to have relationships and not push people away. He has said just now that it's down to me if I walk away then I walk away but he's not walking away from me this is my decision.

Finola1step Fri 22-Mar-13 21:31:05

Oh how kind of him. He's a tosser. Wake up!

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 21:41:43

You are not pushing him away

You have a sign on your forehead saying "use me"

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 22-Mar-13 21:47:55

(edits unkind analogies with canines)
AF- the sign undoubtedly says "Please".

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