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Make a plan, bide my time & leave or try & make him see how stupid this is?

(90 Posts)

OK, I'll try not to dripfeed. DH can be EA - nasty personal comments, he's made me feel I've never been good enough etc. He belittles me in front of the DC & is very shouty. He admits he is always quick to lose his temper.

It got to the point last Friday where we had a make or break discussion - he doesn't see that he can be wrong, but as I'm so hard to live with hmm he agreed that he couldn't continue with things as they are. We agreed to make the effort over the weekend to stop our usual reactions to each other & try & get along. It worked OK. There has been the odd 'see this what I hate about you' when I've reacted to things, one of which was getting teary when I had a message from a friend saying her baby will be stillborn next week due to it having chromosomal abnormalities. Surely anyone with any compassion would be sad about that?

I got home from work at 6 last night & DS (2) wanted to go for a walk, so I got my coat back on & took him out for 10 mins. Got back & sat DS on the worktop, directly in front of me, while I made a coffee. DS 'helped' & started playing with a bit of pasta that DH had left in a pan. He was making a mess with it but really nothing that couldn't be cleared away with a bit of kitchen roll in 2 minutes.

DH took exception to this - one of his 'things' is how messy I am. I'm not messy at all - just not as obsessed with housework as he is.

To keep the peace I asked him to watch DS/take him off the worktop while I cleaned it up.

His response was 'No - we've been perfectly fine & tidy until you came home - you sort it out'. I asked him again to just take DS so I could sort it out & he started again saying no, how I'm so messy, it was all tidy til I came home etc etc.

I & tried to explain that I couldn't leave DS where he was, while I got the stuff to clean round with but got shouted over again, with some stupid comment about how 'good' it was of me to take DS for a walk when I got in.

God, this is so petty written down!

I know I need to separate from him. Ideally I'd like him to move out but he refusues, saying he'd never let the kids with me when I'm such a mess, why should he hand over everything he's worked hard for blah blah.

I don't want anything from him other than what I'm entitled to through building up whilst we've been married (13 years)

I've offered to go to a solicitor with him & arrange an mutually agreed settlement - I just get snidy comments about how I'd screw him into the ground as I'm such a money grabber.

I've worked full time throughout our marriage, with the exception or 2 x Mat Leave for the DC of 1 year each.

This is such a pointless rant - I just wanted to get it down.

Should I just bide my time now, see a solicitor & make a plan to end it or is it worth trying to get him to see how petty & silly he's being?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 10:27:09

Go to a solicitor yourself and start the process independently. (He'll have to have his own solicitor when you divorce anyway.) It's quite clear that your husband thinks a woman's place is in the wrong. He's never going to agree to anything amicably or voluntarily and he probably doesn't even think you're being serious either.

Have you got any RL support? Could you and the DCs spend the weekend with anyone? Give you a break?

You are so right Cogito he just makes me question my judgement of myself sometimes with his crappy comments etc.

I'd actually planned to go out with a friend tomorrow night but cancelled due to the weather. My DD was so pleased when I told her I wasn't going it shocked me. She sees his treatment of me which is another reason I know I should get out.

We'll be fine here for the weekend...I don't want him to know anything's on my mind until I've got an actual plan in place. He doesn't think I'm being serious so I just need to show him that I am now.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 22-Mar-13 10:32:24

I think you've tried your best and agree to go and sort it yourself. Will things ever change?

New No they won't change, and TBH he's pretty much killed off any feelings I had for him. My inertia about leaving is due to knowing how he'll react (angrily, act the injured party, accusing me of being a vindictive bitch - another favourite) and knowing he won't leave the marital home easily.

I find myself waiting for him to do something worthy of me booting him out sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 10:40:10

Don't wait for that because your 'bar', your tolerance level, is already set artificially high after years of crappy behaviour from him. What you can do, however, as well as talking to a solicitor is work out how to get yourself and the DCs somewhere else to live if you're assuming he's not going to walk out of the front door, even under duress. You really don't want to serve papers and then find yourself stuck under the same roof. If this is how he treats you when you're supposed to be happily married, think how bad it'll be when he doesn't have to try any more....

That'll probably mean squirreling away money, calling in a few favours, staying with relatives/friends, asking your LHA about temporary accommodation & maybe even talking to Womens Aid if you think there's any danger of an aggressive reaction. Sell the house from under him from a safe distance

I have savings in my own name that I could use for that Cog, and I've been looking in the local area for rentals etc.

It's just putting it into practice that's the scary part! And dealing with his vitriol for the DC's sake rather than mine. He's threatened to have nothing more to do with them if we split in the past, and I know that would be hard for them both.

On the other hand their lives would probably be nicer in all other respects.

ghosteditor Fri 22-Mar-13 11:07:11

That's not normal - reading about how he treats you makes me instantly angry. You shouldn't have to live with it, nor should your children.

Maybe someone with more experience could tell you if it's worth keeping a written record of his comments, particularly those threatening remarks about not leaving the children with you - sounds like he's threatening to paint you as the one with issues.

It sounds like you're one strong mother. Get out now before any of your children think it's acceptable for partners to be treated that way hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 11:09:44

Bullies threaten all kinds of things. They either won't see the kids at all or they'll sue for sole custody, they'll commit suicide, wreck the house, set Social Services on you.... blah, blah, blah. It's because they've lost the argument.

Your DCs are already witnessing the vitriol, sadly, which is why you need an exit strategy. You can't protect them 100% from the fall-out but yes, life with one calm, happy parent is probably better than the current set-up.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 11:14:06

You don't need a good enough excuse to leave...time to put the plan into action. I agree with advice on here. See a solicitor (yourself) to assess your likely financial position and to initiate divorce. I wouldn't read too much into the threats he's made about cutting off contact with the children - it's emotional blackmail and your decision will have no bearing on whether or not he takes his responsibility as a father seriously either now or in the future.

swavesey Fri 22-Mar-13 11:15:06

You poor thing - he sounds horrible. Follow CogitoErgoSometimes advice as I agree that "life with one calm, happy parent is better than the current set-up." Neither you nor the children should have to listen to any more of his nasty put-down's and comments.
It doesn't sound petty - it sounds as though you are not compatable.
Be strong x

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 11:16:30

Cross post with Cogito - basically same diagnosis! Bullies threaten lots of things.

Thanks all, I feel like I'm being driven mad with it all. Any innocent comment from me can start him off. If my sentence is too long I'm nagging, too short I'm sulking, if I'm upset I'm a victim, angry I'm being aggressive.

I don't see myself as any of those things. I'm just emotionally drained by it all & bemused that he thinks it's normal behaviour for him hmm

I do think his threat to not see the kids is an empty one - according to him they're the only reason he stays with me anyway. One minute I'm his beautiful, pretty wife, the next I'm a fat piece of shit - his words.

I just wish I could record some of his rants & play them back in one of his more rational moments so he could actually see what a loon he is.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Mar-13 11:36:39

Check out the EA thread - now on its 19th incarnation. You are far from alone.

Been there myself - or similar. It took a while for it to sink in that I didn't need his permission to start divorce proceedings, so when I realised that obvious truth I did just that. It took a while and was stressful, but I divorced him and settled finances with him one step at a time, all while still living under same roof. The EA thread was a godsend.

No matter what evidence you presented to him, he wouldn't get it. So don't bother trying to explain or justify yourself to him either. He is a FW (fuckwit).

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 11:39:27

It's lunacy on the one hand... manipulation on the other. The Jekyll and Hyde stuff or what I call 'good cop, bad cop' is purposefully designed to keep you wrong-footed, worried when he's going to kick off next, mildly anxious about what to say/do so it doesn't cause a row.... whilst at the same time keeping you optimistic that nice him is still there. Because it's optimism that's kept you there this long.... a series of vain hopes based on nothing more than the memory (probably) of what he was like when you first met. If you're a relatively straightforward WYSIWYG kind of person, it is bemusing behaviour.

I've lurked on those threads Silvery but have needed to get my head straight with what he's doing so haven't ever posted. But they've helped me see him for what he really is.

Cog what you say is so right...I pause before I answer of his questions, trying to work out what the 'right' thing to say is. He recognises the pause now & uses it to accuse me of lying.

I am no longer optimistic. There have been a few occasions lately where I've found myself thinking 'this will never get better & I don't want to be in this situation again in a years time'

I just have to put that into some sort of action now. It may take me a while but I WILL do it

Snazzynewyear Fri 22-Mar-13 11:59:08

Interesting how you are apparently so hard to live with, yet he thinks of all these obstacles and excuses to prevent you going ahead with a split by mutual agreement! It's almost as if really he knows that having you around as his whipping boy for criticism is actually what he wants, despite all the complaints.. And surely if you were a 'vindictive bitch' (and being called that is your reason to end it IMO) and a money grabber, he would be even keener to separate no matter what it initially cost? Hmm..

The good news is, you have reached the point where you know this is not healthy. So make the decision yourself. See a solicitor, get a place to live, and tell him you have decided to end the misery he is in and no threats or jibes will now make any difference.

Spiritedwolf Fri 22-Mar-13 12:25:32

I don't think he's going to understand and empathise with you no matter how reasonable you are. Even as an adult I've never been able to get my dad to understand how unreasonable he is sometimes. His feelings matter and trump everyone else's. Trying to reason with him that my husband and I had not "trashed the place" when we had had a cooked breakfast whilst staying with them, we'd emptied their dishwasher, and put our dishes in the dishwasher but neglected to put a fish slice in was pointless, he just couldn't see that we'd tidied more than we'd messed up at all. As far as he was concerned leaving a fish slice out by the cooker was "trashing the place". hmm I had been living with my husband for some years, and I could see that dad was being unreasonable (though it still hurt), but when I was growing up, I believed my dad about how awful I was at everything.

I wish my mum had managed to get us away from my dad's bizarre outbursts as a child as I found them extremely damaging to my self esteem. I'm sure I would've been upset at the split, but I would have some time and space away from his criticisms and shouting. As adults we can recognise when someone is being unfair and disproportionate (unless we've been really ground down by EA) but children, they end up believing it and thinking they are worthless, never good enough or bad and it affects them (it certainly still affects me though after counselling and CBT, I'm trying to get better and believe in myself).

I think you should just get on with the process of leaving, you can't wait for him to agree its the right thing to do.

I tried to explain to someone else about the 'waiting for him to do something bad enough to leave over' in a thread the other day. You don't need any reason other than no longer wanting to be in a relationship with him. You're not leaving him over a piece of pasta, his unreasonable reaction to a bit of pasta was just the final straw on a heavy load of emotional abuse he's been heaping on you for years.

He's unlikely to ever do anything on its own worth leaving over. He's destroying your marriage and self esteem by salami tactics of emotional abuse. Salami tactics = slice by slice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX_d_vMKswE He'll never put you in a situation where you'll have no choice but to leave, you'll have to make that choice. Luckily, divorce isn't as drastic as pushing the button on a nuclear deterrent. You and your children will survive, thrive even, without his constant presence.

I know Snazzy he loves the control - on many levels.

Last week I was poorly & he came into the room while I was laying on the sofa having a cuddle with the DC's.

His response was to sneer at me & tell me to sit up properly.

Just another example of his nastiness & how he thinks he can order me around.

He wasn't happy when I called him on it. Stupid man.

Spirited me having 'trashed the place' is a phrase he uses quite a lot! Like your example - I obviously haven't trashed the place at all. Last night I moved the pan of pasta that he'd left out & he went into one about me trashing the place & making it a shit tip.

Hmmm - no, I just moved the pan you'd left out to somewhere else so I could wipe round.

What you say about your Dad rings bells with me for my kids. I know I need to get out as I do NOT want them to think his reaction to things is normal in any way.

I can see him starting to bully them, when I call him on that I get a load of shit about me being 'mother of the fucking year'. I may not be mate but at least my kids like me.

Wow, seeing this all written down in really hardening my resolve.

Lillia Fri 22-Mar-13 12:59:01

Hi having an off day. my relationship with my husbandn is very similar to yours. It has been like it on and off for the last 10 months. We are going to marriage counselling or should i say, i am, he doesnt want to.

Just to say your not alone. Its such a diffficult decision to make. No one tells you how difficult marriage can be. You havegot to do whats right for you and your children!

Thanks Lillia

I've thought about counselling but he refuses - he said he would find it too hard to talk about the things he doesn't like about me in front on me hmm. Funny how he doesn't mind listing them off to me regularly!

He'll be home soon & I'll be offline for a while this aft, thanks to everyone on this thread though - I do know what I have to do - I just wanted to check I wasn't mad for thinking it!

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Mar-13 15:06:38

Couples counselling with abusive men is not recommended..

Separate counselling is OK.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 15:14:53

Why is he with you if you are so crap?

You will never get him to understand what an inadequate tool he is, so make your own plans accordingly

how you are currently living sounds utterly grim and a very poor model for your dc's to be learning from

FarBetterNow Fri 22-Mar-13 15:40:14

My Son in Law is similiar.
It is horrible watching my DD being treated badly - much worse than being treated like that myself.

Imagine if someone treated your DD like that - you then realise that it is wrong.

Get a plan and seperate no one desrves to be treated like that.

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 16:27:50

If he is to change, I think a visit to a solicitor and asking him to move out might be the only thing to do it, sadly.

But you'll have to get the ball moving yourself. Say, present him with divorce papers, and with what your solicitor thinks would be a fair agreement.

FarBetter thanks for your perspective. I have often thought how my mum would feel if she knew about what's going on.

I also know how crappy I'd feel if it was DD hmm

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:41:21

So why are you less deserving of respect ?

I'm not, I've just been brainwashed into thinking his behaviour is acceptable.

These boards have made me realise otherwise - thank God

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:54:39

Quite

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 22:04:58

What you are about to do is hard. But it IS the only thing you can and have to do.

There really isn't any alternative.

he's not going to EVER stop this, he will in fact get WORSE. You owe it to yourself AND your DD to stop this terrible situation as soon as you can.

Yes it will take time, yes you will wonder where you are going to find the strength, yes you will be afraid.

But let me tell you something.... how long do you want to go on living like this? Where will you find the strength to to keep putting up with this, and aren't you afraid already of where this all will go.

Where it will go will be your DD repeating this in her own life.

Death by a million cuts would be a picnic in comparison.

Let me tell you what life is like once you DO get over the actually very small hurdle of leaving a twat like this.

It is GREAT. Even if things are financially tight for a bit, even if you are scared, or if you are grieving for the relationship you never had, nor were ever going to have, you will feel this strange conflicting lightness, this small seed of joy.

That's called HOPE. As long as you stay with this abusive man, neither you nor your DC have anything like hope for the future.

Focus on getting this horrid man away from you and your family. Stay fixed, resolute and determined.

Be honest with yourself at all times. remind yourself why you are doing this and even when you wobble (and you may do) remind yourself again.

or come ask us, we'll boot you up the bum remind you what you are doing and why.

You can do this. It's really NOT that hard when you look back on it. Trust me.

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 22:06:29

Have you popped by the Emotional Abuse thread, there are loads of links there to help support you.

Also lots of us that have walked where you are walking.

Buy Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That, if you haven't already. it will transform your thinking.

Thanks Hissy. I know I have to do this. I'm only in my mid thirties & don't want this for another 30+ years hmm

And I don't want it for the DCs either.

Now I know it's definitely the right thing I can cope with it better, make a real plan to minimise the pain for DC & then get on with things. The life I know I can have keeps me going.

Havinganoffday,

This has been about power and control; he wants absolute over you. Its likely too that either one or both his parents were and remain similar, such EA behaviour is often learnt.

He will likely be vindictive and unreasonable throughout the process of separation and will use this to further punish you. I would not willingly enter into any sort of mediation whatsoever.

Do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

In the longer term when you are finally rid of his malign prescence in your day to day lives I would also suggest that you get yourself enrolled onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme. I suggest that as such emotionally abusive men can and do take years to recover from.

Good luck OP.

You are seeing the situation clearly & the time is right.

Have a look at what benefits you might be eligible for.

Huge step but one towards a better future!

Thank you. I looked at benefits etc a couple of weeks ago - something else that made me realise that a plan would be reality. We wouldn't have lots but we'd have enough.

His dad is the controlling one in his parents relationship. He sees that sometimes, but fails to recognise it in in himself.

MN has opened my eyes to lots over the last year - thank you ladies, your wisdom is amazing & gives me hope

SundaysGirl Sat 23-Mar-13 09:46:54

You know when I was reading your post and the comments it put me in mind of this poem. I'm totally not a poetry person by any stretch of the imagination but I feel this one applies to both those who lose themselves in another person and also who have their sense of self taken and masked by an abusive person. It really helped me after I was recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship.

I wonder if it will resonate with you?

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

(Derek Walcott)

SundaysGirl that is fab! Definitely strikes a chord - thank you

Lillia Sat 23-Mar-13 23:40:38

Havinganoffday, How are things with you now?

Hope your ok.

Already I can see you strengthening your resolve having.
You don't have to live like this, nor do your children.
We will help you

Yep, everyday more little things happen to strengthen my resolve. Nothing massive, just shit that I shouldn't have to put up with.

I'm doing ok Lillia - how about you?

He's still an arse but a manageable one when I know I can get away. And my gorgeous DCs helpsmile

More Fuck Wittery this weekend.

Tea time last night, I was wiping round as he was washing up. I asked him 4 or 5 times to rinse the dish cloth out for me. He completely ignored me. The last time I asked him I must've had an edge in my voice as I was getting pretty cheesed off.

He told me I should probably have been out & done some exercise over the weekend as it would have made me less irritable. My weight to him is a massive issue.

I'm a size 14 & 5'4. Obviously not tiny but definitely not as big as he sees me.

Another pathetic example but just something else that makes me think what a total dick head he is.

DaffodilAdams Mon 25-Mar-13 09:18:03

He is awful Havinganoffday. A miserable little bully. Just imagine what it would be like to be able to wipe up how you want, when you want without anyone criticising.

When you do split, I'll bet his house will be a mess!

Lovingfreedom Mon 25-Mar-13 09:34:43

it's not how big he sees you...it's him playing on your insecurities and transferring your reasonable irritation at him not helping out, to something that is your 'fault'. My ex used to do similar when I fluctuated between size 8 and 10.

trustissues75 Mon 25-Mar-13 09:40:56

You've had some great advice here (and I must say well done to you for remaining calm and simply trying to stand you ground through all of this - I let mine drag me down, I let it all get to me and became a nagging whining temperamental cow and hated myself for it) I just wanted to say you most certainly aren't alone - he's not going to change so no point talking till you're blue in the face, and come join us on the EA thread if you'd like - we're a lovely bunch (I'm new on there)

You know, I remembered something on my drive in to work this morning...

About 3 years ago he announced he wanted to leave - move out & into a rented flat. He said he thought we'd got married too you, he needed to be free, blah blah. At the time I begged him to stay - what an idiot! That was before I had found MN.

Anyway, it turned out it was because he'd traced his ex on Facebook & wanted to re-kindle things with her.

I put up with about a week of shit from him before he finally confessed this was the reason. Then he turned round & blamed me for not telling as 'he knew I'd react badly & be angry'. Obviously this ensured that I hid my anger from him so as not to prove him 'right'. If I came close to being even mildly annoyed I'd get 'see, this is why I didn't want to tell you' crap from him hmm.

I don't know what happened but obviously she wasn't as keen as him as he came home one night & said he'd made a mistake & wanted to stay.

Why was I such an idiot? You know I'd give my right arm for him to say he was leaving us now sad.

trustissues75 Mon 25-Mar-13 09:50:14

Well, that was then, this is now. Don't despair. You're not alone. We're all here.

trustissues thank you.

I have been where you were & I've found that rising to it/becoming what he wants me to be just gives him more satisfaction & ammo to use against me later.

I spent the last 3 months or so being very withdrawn from him, not really engaging etc. It didn't do me or the DC's any good. It just reinforced his view that I'm a miserable cow & he was wrong to marry me in the first place.

By remaining calm & reasonably cheerful in front of him I can keep some control as he doesn't understand it [doh]

I actually just want to laugh as him as he's lost his control over me now - I see him for what he is. I just can't believe I fell for it in the first place!!

well done having for detaching... I can't offer any real advice as I am still in the process of planning my exit strategy (my kids are much older than yours) but after finding all the advice on this site I can now manage H (and more importantly my responses to H) much better. So sad for you to have to go through this as you sound like a lovely thoughtful mum and he sounds like a complete joy-zapping pillock. Best of luck!

That's exactly it - he takes the joy out of many situations sad

I'm still planning my exit - I've only just decided that I have to do it IFYSWIM.

I feel sorry for him as I think most of his behaviour is driven by insecurity. By driving me into the ground he makes himself feel better.

Now that I can see that it's easier to live with, though still totally unacceptable.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Mon 25-Mar-13 14:44:43

Lurker, sorry to butt in but I just read your last post and you really hit it on the head. Once you realise what is happening, and don't rise to it, they suddenly lose ALL the power. Gone.
Don't be surprised if he suddenly turns into Mr Reasonable, even Mr Cheerful in the next week or so.

Natural he's already started with his 'are you OK' routine. It's boring now & I'm so past it.

He works shifts so won't be around in the evenings this week - bliss smile. Me & the DC can enjoy family dinners without all of his fuss and I can enjoy a bit of head space.

ladymalfoy Wed 27-Mar-13 16:15:57

FWIW I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but didn't realise it until several years after I had left. I'm a teacher and during a PHSCE day I was supervising some delegates from WA who were talking about D and E abuse. The profound moment occurred when they introduced the term 'distorted perception'. The abuser has such control over you they can make you believe anything even though there is a tiny bit of you that realises it's all bullshit you believe it. At the worst point he had messed with my head so much I believed him when he told me that I was mistaken and it was Tuesday not Wednesday. Listen to you inner voice. The chances are your friends in RL are aware of your situation and ready to help you. Mine were. Two of them drove to the house and packed my stuff into the car whilst he was at work. If I can do it after not knowing what day of the week it was you'll be able to do it too. winethanksthanks

Thanks lady

My over riding concern is my DCs and making sure they don't grow up with thishmm, that's why I know I have to get out.

BranchingOut Wed 27-Mar-13 20:53:23

In a not-dissimilar situation here, though unfortunately I think that your H is probably worse...sad

Feel free to search for my threads if you fancy it. We have ups and downs, but with an underlying theme of 'you are not good enough'.

Lovingfreedom Wed 27-Mar-13 23:01:51

Yes you are right. It's not good for you or your kids to live like this. You will not regret getting out if this relationship.

Devendra Thu 28-Mar-13 10:39:17

Yes I remember the detachment... It was like observing it rather than experiencing the crap he threw at me... I also remember smiling to myself and thinking 'what a knob'.. Eventually I could barely be in the same room as him and I could not look him in the eye... 14 years ago and I don't regret a single second of leaving him. Good luck you and your children deserve better.

Exactly Devendra I feel as though his comments etc can't hurt me anymore.

I just get really fucking angry with him. I need to learn how to deal with that myself instead of reacting to him.

And yes, I often think 'what a knob' smile

Lovingfreedom Thu 28-Mar-13 11:33:02

Getting angry is a good step along the way to 'right....so you say...tell someone who gives a fuck'

getting angry and not reacting are all very well, but you need an escape plan.

Please dont 'learn to live' with how he treats you/DC. Go seek legal advice and get things moving. You have learned that he wont change and now realise what a twunt he is toward you, so move forward.

I bet lots of RL support will spring up once you tell people, nobody wants to comment on anothers marriage, but once you tell people they will probably breathe a sigh of relief that you are getting out.

Yes - my escape plan is evolving Jax

We are safe here & I want to find a house where we will be able to live for a while rather than uprooting the DC several times.

I learned to live with this too long ago & now I need to unlearn & keep my resolve

well done having didnt mean my post to sound harsh, just didnt want you to keep living like this. sad

It wasn't harsh at all smile

I am looking forward to not having to deal with his shit any more!

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 13:44:06

And when you get there, think of all the time you can spend in your jarmers and make up free! thanksthankswine There really should be a PJ emoticon.

And slobbing around cuddling the DC without him telling me how to sit hmm grin

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 15:25:25

Watching what you want on TV? Eating peanut butter off the spoon from the jar? Two nights after I left Ihad a dream where I hit my ex with a chair. Lots and lots of times. Happy days. We love you darling and your little darlings.

Lovingfreedom Thu 28-Mar-13 15:45:06

I agree with Jax. It's amazing how many friends you find you have once you dump the loser. Go for it!

Haha Lady - the chair thing sounds good grin

I sometimes look at him and want to hit him really hard.

I never would but a chair dream may relieve that!

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 17:35:16

It was well therapeutic ! He cried for his mum.

That is funny! smilesmilesmile

TinTinsSexySister Fri 29-Mar-13 20:26:26

Hello Having, I have just stumbled on this thread, and I want to say to you:

I am so unbelievably proud of you for coming to this point. To do so means you are intelligent, strong and a wonderful mother.

grin

I have been in an EA relationship and so much of what you say resonates. I didn't see it until after he left me and I did a lot of CBT. You have seen it for yourself and are going to act on it. This makes you amazing.

AMAZING. Say it to yourself in the mirror.

In the short term there are some obstacles ahead but in the long term only freedom, joy and plenty of good things.

This man, this man you are about to leave, is a grade A cunt. It doesn't matter how he got to be this way, people go through worse who are nice.

He will play games. Use RL friends (mine were amazing and even though I had neglected them - been made to - they came for me when I needed them and stuck me back together), family and MN when you feel wobbly.

You are going to do this. Hurrah for you!

TinTin - thank you smile

TinTinsSexySister Sat 30-Mar-13 22:18:02

A pleasure, Having.

How are you doing today? PM me if you'd like and/or keep posting here.

There are plenty of MNetters here who are more knowledgable than me but I'd be happy to be on the end of an email/phone if you need it.

Onwards and upwards wink

That's so kind smile

This weekend has been okay, we've done some lovely things with the DCs and I've managed to get out for a run every day so have had a bit of head space.

When I run I look for potential properties to rent! Killing 2 birds with one stone!! grin

God, I need to speed up my plan.

DD had a temper tantrum this morning as we were getting ready to go out.

DH said she had to stay home with him, I disagreed as I didn't want to leave her home with him whilst I took DS.

Ended up DH staying at home whilst I took the DCs out.

Got home at tea time, he's not spoken to me since, just done lots if criticism of me via 'conversation' with 2 ur old DS.

He's sulking with DD too.

I'm so fucking angry with him confused

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 01:31:01

Channel that anger. Aim for the steely sort of anger.

Are friends or parents a short term possibility? this would at least give you headspace and time to think.

Unfortunately not Silvery, jobs took us away from family & close friends a few years ago.

Friends we've made in the area are fab, but not that type of friend IYKWIM.

I work so am out of the house today. I will use that time wisely!

I wonder what he hopes to achieve? Asides from the obvious, what is his ultimate goal in all this? hmm

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 08:25:06

I suspect even he doesn't know. It is a pattern so ingrained in them that in many cases they hardly notice they are doing it. sad (IMHO and experience of one EA relationship it isn't really a choice they make, as many seem to think. They are superior and know best, the rest follows.

Silvery very true, it's something I've spent a lot of time pondering as well.

Good luck detaching Having - don't let him spoil good times with DC!

Op, the scales have fallen from your eyes, and you are planning your exit from this relationship, excellent news!

You are halfway there now that you have detached from him and see much of his behaviour as laughable.

I wish you strength to do what needs to be done.

In the past he has had moments of clarity where he's admitted that the way he speaks to me is no better than if he were beating me.

It's just his total lack of empathy that I find hurtful.

In the past he has used adult chat sites, trawled the web looking for hookers, etc

Yesterday I mentioned that I had found an email address belonging to him, and seen evidence that he'd been visiting chat sites again.

That's when he really blew up, calling me fat & stupid, telling me he didn't care that I'd seen that stuff.

Then sulking at me when I got home.

This morning he tried to blame DD's tantrum for us falling out hmm

He. Has. To. Go.

I know. Getting him out us another matter though. I'm at a loss as to how to physically get him out

Lueji Tue 02-Apr-13 14:20:27

Talk to a solicitor.

If I can find a solicitor that does a free consultation how much will they actually cover with me re my specific situation in that session?

I can have lots of financial info to hand & would rather do specifics than general stuff IYKWIM

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 05-Apr-13 19:50:14

I think they may be able to cover a fair bit seeing as you seem to have the facts at your fingertips. What I did was to read up about possible ways divorce could go on the Resolution website, before I consulted a sol (who I found by looking at the site).

Also think hard about what you would like to end up with at end of divorce, this gives you an aim (even if it turns out not to be possible in the event)

mixedmamameansbusiness Fri 05-Apr-13 20:34:20

I could be the OP. I am planning on going back to work precisely do that I can get the funds together.

I have started keeping a log of his behaviour too.

So today, during a row he instigated and called me a serial liar as I said I couldn't see any puddles, he says 'most women in your position would wonder if they were responsible'

Thinking he was talking about us not getting on I said I never blamed him 100% as I do argue with him since I'm sick of taking his shit.

Turns out he was referring to him using prostitutes confusedconfusedconfused

Fucking hell, there is truly no hope

PottedPlant Sat 13-Apr-13 13:55:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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