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Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com(236 Posts)
I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,
Or you will stick around for more of the same?
How did you find out OP?
He did it before. Your pain and heartache were not enough to stop him doing it again.
He probably will do it a again.
Plan your options for once the exams are done.
Please consider an STI clinic.
I'm so sorry.
I admire your restraint!
What are you going to do? It does sound as though this time you have to accept that he's not going to change. Can you live with this?
I think Xales is right. It sounds like you have the strength to not act on impulse and can think this through and make a plan of action for when the exams are over. Think about what your options are and in the meantime visit a solicitor and an STI clinic to make sure you are ok.
Get a screengrab of his profile on the dating site as proof in case you need it.
Once a cheat most likely always a cheat.
Entitled selfish nasty piece of work. Get legal advice immediately and get him out of your life. He will only do it again and again and will always find an excuse for it .
Men like this will keep in doing it as long as you continue to put up with it & not make them face a consequence.
I'd leave if I could or chuck him out. You've forgiven him once. You deserve better.
I found out by pure genuine accident, my H is a creature of habit and his passwords usually have certain numbers tagged on. Due to his past I check every so often if has used old hotmails , but yesterday I put half user name in and the normal password , up came emails from lays year from this site. I couldn't understand at first where they had appeared from because I had checked the email account last Christmas , then I realised I had used his username from something else, added hotmail and his password and there it was. I clicked on an email that connected me to the site and there was my H , his photo and profile, from what I gather he must have subscribed for a month or to as the site isn't free... He put things down about how he loves particular things.
Before I have always accepted his flannel and felt I was over reacting and just maybe , maybe I was making too much of something, yes denial, but this time to see his photo as clear as day next to photos of women's body parts.....
My legs are like jelly, my heart is crushed,,
I checked the account which was opened last may, there are no emails of people checking his profile since Aug as I guess his subscription expired,
I couldn't see any meetings arranged but a list of encounters with photos he
chose as Yes or maybe, what ever that means.
To make things worse , I have no friends or family as my parents live abroad, I live in the country miles away from any one, which is why I think I have put up with this as well as believe it or not my H is the nicest bloke in the world which makes all this so difficult to believe, it seems sureal .
I am not very good at dealing with stuff, my body closes off with my mind, and pretends nothing happens..... I did this when my first H was killed in an accident , I was calm and controlled and wouldn't let the feelings get to me, I was numb then and just accepted he had gone from my life, I carried on with my children as though it was a normal day........ If I could feel I could get angry , but I don't, I sit here looking for reasons and explanations and dilute what happened, making me feel worthless and the problem,
So sorry to read that you've been betrayed again drift.
I admire you thinking of others rather than going in all guns blazing
which is what I'd probably do
Right, you've been here before so you know the script. He will delete and deny and minimise.
It depends on what you want the outcome to be. If the fact that he has this profile is a deal breaker then start planning your exit.
If you want to know if he's met anyone then you need to gain access to his profile and the email address that he has associated with the profile.
I'm guessing, like me, you have stumbled upon this completely by accident. I feel your pain, I really do. Has there been other suspicious behaviour from him such as using the computer late at night or early morning, having breakfast meetings, more overnights away....?
You may not be bothered about this detail, which is fine. I tend to over analyse things sometimes lol.
Sorry drift, x post....
You don't have to put up with this at all. He obviously thinks that he is entitled to have a bit of fun (that seems to be the term they use) without you.
I know you say he's a nice bloke, but from the outside looking in he's an accomplished liar and cheat.
I think you need to know what you're dealing with. Did you check the sent mails and deleted mails too....?
I know that the alternative seems very hard, but this really is no way to live.
"I am not very good at dealing with stuff, my body closes off with my mind, and pretends nothing happens"
Time to change then. You'll never change him but you can correct this quite easily and stop repeating the mistake. You don't have to get particularly angry (although it does sharpen the mind) but you need a plan of action. If you can't think of a plan, get him to leave until you have one.
Otherwise, you'll just cycle through this painful process of low self-esteem, finding you've been betrayed, looking for reasons, making excuses, blaming yourself, believing his rubbish.... and feeling even worse about yourself.
He's not 'the nicest bloke in the world' is he? He's a liar who has no respect for you or any other woman.
Yes Distrustingirlnow, I did check sent and deleted email,s all empty and the account too had nothing but a list of pictures of women he chose as encounters but no actual proof he met anyone, though he obviously paid to use the site for a month or two,set up a new email account and included a photo of himself, made a profile and the sexy things he likes, no actual proof of meeting anyone, which is how he will wriggle out of this and the fact it was last summer too,, l
That's why you need to take control of this now. What do you want from your life? Constantly worrying which website your husband has signed up to this week? Waiting for the next skeleton-shaped affair to tumble accidentally out of a cupboard? Sexually transmitted diseases? The knowledge that the person who is supposed to love you has no respect for you whatsoever? I hope you think that you deserve better than that.
It is immaterial that it happened last summer. It is irrelevant that he met up or didn't meat up. Stop listening to the excuses, stop hoping for the best & let him protest all he likes..... from a distance.
'meat up'... 'meet up'.... Freudian slip
"which is how he will wriggle out of this and the fact it was last summer too,"
He can not wriggle out of anything if you do not let him . Stand strong, take control of YOUR life.
Can you believe I have just been shopping with my H and acting all happy and normal as nothing has happened, inside I want to scream at him but something stops me!,,,,,,,,
OK, unpack that a little. What is stopping you from screaming exactly? What are you frightened of?.... failure? being alone? getting it wrong? What do you gain from carrying on with his pretence and keeping quiet?.... his money? respectability? saving face?
At the moment my eldest son, who lost his real dad when he was young is coming home this weekend fron Uni. He is going to be studying for his finals for a Law degree. Our second son has his GCSE,s coming up in may and is revising.
I don't want to up heave them .
Also I know from past experience that when I do face my H with the facts at some stage he will get angry and the more upset when he realises I mean it, things get broken mysteriously and then he gets angry with me and my wanting to split will be the issue and its all my fault and he will make life difficult for me, by threatening to make things as difficult as possible for me too....been there 4 years ago,,
Your husband is abusive?
No surprises there. Contact Womens Aid, and with their assistance, start making your exit plan
In the meantime, if you are still sleeping with your h, use condoms
He isn't abusive, but last time we separated due to his affair he broke things, little things to think I was going mad . And then as he got upset when I wouldn't get back with him, he would throw stones at my window at night to get me to talk to him.
When sober in the day he would treat me as though I was in the wrong, how dare I throw him out of his house when he hasn't done anything,,, telling his family I was being paranoid and unreasonable . Everyone believes mr nice guy.
He will try to break me in different ways, play the innocent victim to get the house and make me look the mad women xx
He isn't abusive, but last time we separated due to his affair he broke things, little things to think I was going mad . And then as he got upset when I wouldn't get back with him, he would throw stones at my window at night to get me to talk to him.
This is abuse.
And a bit of craziness, I add. OP, please, you do not need this man in your life. You may think you do now, but you will be much better off without him. Please don't allow your sons to see you putting up with this kind of situation, you all deserve much better.
he would treat me as though I was in the wrong, how dare I throw him out of his house when he hasn't done anything,,, telling his family I was being paranoid and unreasonable. He will try to break me in different ways, play the innocent victim to get the house and make me look the mad women
Plan your escape, time it to suit you and your sons, but do it!
This is emotional abuse.
He doesn't have to punch you to abuse you
Have a read of the WA website
"He will try to break me in different ways, play the innocent victim to get the house and make me look the mad women xx "
You sound so worn down by his behaviour. He's crushed your spirit hasn't he? It's almost as though you don't care what happens to you any more.... you don't matter to yourself, let alone him.
Have you considered counselling? I'm no psychologist but when you said that you were calm and controlled and that your feelings shut down completely after the sudden death of your first husband I wonder if you ever really came out of that trauma properly since. I worry that this new man - who appears to be 'the nicest guy in the world' - took advantage of your vulnerability. Don't take this the wrong way but on any level do you feel you somehow deserve this treatment... deserve punishment?
There will always be a "reason" to keep you there
Don't exams, son leaving home, xmas coming, somebody I'll, kids getting married
Blah blah blah
Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life ?
Getting older, sadder and more alone (in a relationship) with every passing year
When your boys finally leave home, it will be just you and this deceitful, inadequate man
What a grim prospect
Crazy making is abuse.
You do not have to put up with his shit.
You only have one life.
The thing is, if you go into a loft wth asbestos in it, you will get sick.
If you go near your husband, you will hear the crap and lies he is spouting, and get upset.
The theories are the same. If you need to leave him, reduce all contact so that you are not exposed to any crap he says. Then his lies won't get to you.
I will write more from home. You sound like a dear lady xxx
If it was that people would disbelieve you, the screenshots you've hopefully taken would put that to bed once and for all. But it doesn't matter what others believe in any case. They don't have to live with an abuser.
Neither do you.
Your kids do though, more's the pity.
If you were doing anything for their sake, you'd have left years ago when the abuse started.
I think that the pattern lying to make black white, and hence more palatable, becaise at times we have to make shit palatable in order to swallow it - but in the end this pattern makes us ill.
There comes a time when we have to consult our instincts and learn to listen to them.
Then we have to summon the courage to act on them. Some people, who have not had to make shit palatable, find this easy, and maybe they have lots of support. Others. whose lives have led twisted pathways for whatever reason, find this hard. I think those abused when young can find it hard, as we had to stay in abusive situations because there ewas no way out, so we worked with what we had and lied to ourselves.
In the case of this lovely OP, she now sees that she lies to herself, but inside she knows this is not safe making.
Again, more from home xx
Eggyfucker I think you are again rude and dismissive to a vulenerble person. Not everyone is like you. Can you summon any wisdom and kindness for the new woman at the table of 'learning tyo live by instinct, no matter what it makes us face?' or are you still sick by what you have read too much of, and not able to take responsibility for that and back off until you yourself are healed? I hate it when you pick on poor women. I feel so embarrassed for you. I hope noone is slinking away from reading your words.
He's a 'head worker', he's a 'bully', he's 'a liar', he's a 'sexual controller', he's a 'persuader'...this is just the start!
He is abusive, he seeks out other women to have sex with behind your back. When you try to stop it he makes it seem impossible for you by grinding you down and gaining power and control over you. He pretends to be 'nice' to you so you think he wouldn't possibly do it.
It's not like its a one off accident now is it. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.
You sound like your in shock and that's understandable but it doesn't change the situation!
EggyFucker can speak for herself I know and doesn't need me to defend her...IMO she's not said anything rude or dismissive. Her comments are supportive to OP. She's not really the 'making shit palatable' type though. Neither am I...I've been right off eating shit since I saw the light (aided by various MNers, EF included) myself.
Come on OP...you can't dip shit in sugar and expecting it to taste like a Krispy Kreme....LTB!!! You won't regret it.
There's nothing unsupportive about what Eggyfucker's said. It's the truth as she sees it and I agree with her.
Something2say, it is clear you have a problem with me as this is not the first time you have attempted to silence me on someone else's thread
Do you that is helpful to her?
Just ignore my posts, or report them to HQ if you feel they break talk guidelines.....it's quite simple and really a more grown up way to manage such a fundamental difference in approach
OP I went through exactly the same thing just over a year ago. I accidently found evidence that my H had joined one of these sites. I was so shocked that I didn't think to take photos or investigate exactly what he'd been up to (he denies actually meeting up with any women).
Anyway, I was prepared to give him another chance. We went to counselling, lived separately under the same roof, took time away, tried to talk it through. Trouble was he never really thought he'd done anything wrong (the website profile wasn't the only thing...he'd also had an emotional affair). In the end HE gave ME an ultimatum. Forgive and forget....or end our relationship.
I chose the latter. He was furious.
I've spent the last 6 months trying to get him to leave the house. After thousands of pounds spent on mediation and divorce proceedings he's finally going in two weeks time.
My advice OP? Get your evidence together and get him out now. If he's really sorry and wants to be with you for the rest of his life he will be prepared to move out and do anything you want to try and repair things. I wish I'd done this...
Good luck xxx
Eggy fucker, I don't mean to silence you. I just wish you would be kinder to strangers. And it is not what you say either, it is the way you say it.
Not to derail either.....
How is the op?
I don't want a row with you, something2say, but I am sure you know I would respond to your frankly rather incomprehensible attempt at assassinating my character.
Stop picking me up. This isn't the first time.
You will be doing your sons more damage staying and it will be more stress and they will be more likely to struggle- let's face it a bet they already sense something up.
It is abuse. You need to leave.
Or are you happy to be treated like shit for the rest of your life?
I am working the night shift and have read your comments,, it's ok I don't think any are too harsh it's what I need to hear ALL different views I need to hear.
Yes i have taken screen shots which I need if only to imprint in my mind what he did and to remind me when I doubt myself, though I know he will say it was last year and it was a joke or he was drunk or messing.
U can't forget seeing his photo all smiles.
Yes my boys probably hate the situation I am in and wish I would do something about it and yes I probably hide behind their exams which my eldest is coming home to revise for his law finals .
But you are all right in different ways and its why I came on here, I have no one to share this with, which is why I stayed with my H in the first place because I would be alone.
Yes there were things in my childhood likeost of us, my dad and others had affairs and their partners put up with it and the marriage survived as did in those days. I did learn to put up with things as you did in my day and yes I was abused but as a child you don't realise and no secrets to keep but you instinctively know to keep quiet ,
Yes I do feel I deserve what happens to me, maybe I feel an inadequate partner to my husband , maybe I feel I am getting older and less appealing to him now and blame that for his actions, all sorts go through our minds. Yes I am ashamed and yes I am scared to death of being a failure just as I did after my first husband died I was afraid I wouldn't be a good parent for my kids.
I do trust my judgement but I am used to people being blamed for something they never did to as in my childhood, I think that carries on in adulthood.
I needed to know I wasn't wrong to judge my H on this MarriageAffairs site, it's clearly to meet married women for sex only, my H is highly sexed and in need if a buzz. In his life , still wAters run deep with him.
I guess I am scared witless of the situation I am in and yes I probably have never dealt with anything this massive or my way is to let it carry on rather than face it head on!
Please bombard me with all your advice, I need a reality check!
Last thing , he will argue he hasn't been on the affair site since Aug, but I only found out he was on it yesterday??
Look, the infidelity is the least of this. He's an abuser. He gaslights you. He tries to make you feel as though you're losing your mind and imagining things. Affairs and infidelity are standard fare in abusive men and the only positive thing about this is that whereas abuse survivors appear to be able to deny what's happening to them while the man is faithful, a discovery sometimes has the positive effect of stripping away the denial and making a woman face facts. Unfortunately, that didn't happen for you after his first affair but let's hope this has finally driven the point home to you that this man needs binning once and for all.
You are much stronger than you think. You've had a horrendous set of cards dealt to you in life so far, but after losing your first husband you evidently kept your family together and managed to raise two children despite your own loss and bereavement. Your husband's behaviour is not your failing. It is all his to own. Nothing you've done has caused it and you sure as hell can't cure it.
You need to get your children away from the abuse. It's damaging to them, particularly the one who's still at home full-time. They need a place of calm as they revise for important exams and your focus needs to be on them and not your miserable excuse for a husband.
Give Women's Aid a ring and discuss your situation with them. Plus read a book called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. You'll soon realise that your situation and the abuse you're facing is not unique and it's not personal. He would treat any woman this way.
Having been the recipient of advice from eggy - under a different name (me) I know her advice is superb,from the heart and always 100% right, however unpalatable!!!!
Dates don't matter. He has form sweetheart.
As others have said, there will always be some reason to stay and keep quiet. I think you need to scream; at him and then at a counsellor.
You can do this. Stop the gas lighting he clearly part-takes in and see him for what he really is. It might take time and be good to yourself but you cannot live wondering...
It doesn't really matter if he can excuse away everything that he has done. Just ask yourself 'am I happy?', if you aren't then that's all you need to know. This isn't about him coming up with glib reasons why he did something, or why it doesn't really matter because of x, y or z. It's about whether YOU are happy. He could be better than Bill Clinton at squirming out of things but if you aren't happy then that is what should matter to you.
And if he has met up with someone from this site he may have put your health at risk. Please get yourself an STI check.
Does it really matter whether it was last year or last month?
What possible reason could he have for creating a profile other than to meet women for sex? Whether he actually did or not is immaterial. His behaviour is not the behaviour of a man who is fully committed to his marriage.
And then there's the emotional abuse.
I know it's tough to think about this with your sons' exams coming up. But you've mentioned there's a possibility that they aren't happy with this relationship either. Is there a potential that dealing with this now might actually help them over the next few months?
To be honest I wouldn't bother with another confrontation, as it only gives him the opportunity to try and bluff his way out of it and leaves your head in a spin.
It's quite clear he's been actively looking for and probably sleeping with other women for the last several years at least.
You know that deep down, so now its time to think about what you want for your own future and start making plans for it.
I could understand in your position maybe waiting til the Summer and your younger DS has taken his exams.
If you start making plans now, you could get yourself sorted with somewhere to live, solicitor lined up ready to serve divorce papers, and just present it to him when you are ready.
I think that's what I am worried about, I know he will just talk his way out of it again but to be honest I am fed up of finding he has been on match.com or what ever. 5 years ago he took someone with him to an annual bike holiday, they went as two couples both denied it was anything but friends, yes I fell for it, then two years ago I saw he had written On a forum relating to this bike holiday and he discussed this lady as his girlfriend and joked about her( the posts were written5 years ago it I saw them two years ago )
Too me him posting about her for the world to see at that time when I was probably in the other room,,,seems weird to me??
Yes iWork t be co fronting him, thinking if having the profile I found of him on MarriedAffsirs blown up, placed on my front door with his stuffing bag for when he gets home . Just want Easter over and my eldest back at uni, the kids have no idea about this or my H, keeping mum though feel sick especially when he comes near me, I just smile as though everything ok!!
Sorry about spelling errors was rushing !!
Thank you for your advice, I don't feel as alone or that I am over reacting or going mad about this as he would make out all this is nothing , it's me making a song and dance making it worse than it is!! Mr nice guy??!!
The thing is, I think you ought to expect him to lie to you,and inside you have to think that you know better.
Try and avoid him but if you have to, look upon him speaking and know it is a lie.
He may try to talk his way out of it, but you don't have to let him. That's the key.
Him posting about another woman and calling her his gf is not weird, it is downright abhorrent behaviour, and highly disrespectful to you,his wife.
Why do you have to keep it quiet for your kids? They will know one day.
your kids are just an excuse. and this is a loaded word - and i'm sorry i can't soften it more, but its really pathetic.
he has done this more than once before
he went on a bike holiday with a woman and you believed they were just friends.
You are very gullable, and he knows this, he obviously doesn't love you, you don't treat someone you love like this
he doesn't respect you, you dont treat someone you respect like this.
keep your powder dry, seek legal advise, get documents in order, get your things together, know your finances, know your shared debts, store your evidence such as screen shots on a new e-mail account.
change passwords to all online accounts.
again i reiterate, your children are an excuse, if nothing else you should be plotting and planning, making appointments, getting your affairs in order and making a plan.
Yes definitely use your ability to act "normal" to your advantage! Hatch an escape plan from this marriage and seek legal advice. When you're ready to act, present it all as a "done deal" and tell him what's going to happen without letting emotions get in the way. All you need to do know is figure out what you're entitled to, ie house money cars maintenance and custody, and make sure you get it. He's had more than enough chances.
In your shoes i would get my shit in order. tell him you want a divorce and arrange to stay with someone for two weeks. I would then buy a new phone/sim. tell friends and family i had changed my number so he could not text or manipulate me.
I would not tolerate it and i would not speak to him ever again.
he can talk his way out of things becuase you let him and only becuase you let him.
Look, if he's been that blatant, the kids do know about it, as do a fair few others.
The only one who's been in a state of denial is you.
As soon as you discovered him writing online about his girlfriend, you should have shown him the door.
You don't even need to prove why you are leaving him. Being unhappy with someone is enough to end a relationship.
Despite what you pretend to yourself to prop up your inertia, once you've booted him out, numerous people will ask you why it took you so long.
Ah I remember your previous thread, OP.
Of course all his workmates / friends etc will know, and your sons have probably worked it out too.
By now his justification for carrying on in such a blatant way will be that because you've never applied any serious consequence to his behaviour, you don't actually mind all that much.
He lies when confronted because he doesn't want a row, not because he thinks you'll kick him out or anything.
Do you want to end your marriage?
He will have convinced himself he's not in the wrong as he hasn't actually gone through with any communication on that website. Like putting a hook in the water, if the fish bite then it's their fault not his. He would have been lured in.
Then there will be the next site, and the next site....
Incidentally what did he write about his home situation? That you didn't understand him/were frigid/were cold and unloving? You will be to blame for forcing him to be there.
The gas lighting behavior is disgusting, he is trying to control your mind, knowing you have had abuse and tragedy in your life to deal with. Evil sick twisted fuck.
And I bet your so embarrassed by all this that you wouldn't dare tell anyone, enabling his abusive control over you.
You need to talk to someone in RL and get some counselling. Please go and see your GP.
'Believe it ir not my husband is the nicest man in the world' . I don't think so OP.
Thank you.you are all doing me the world of good . Yes my husband thinks he does no harm joining these sites or taking someone on hol. Hecinvincesme I am the one with issues. I used to be a string minded women until I married this"gentle" bloke who made out I was too domineering. I think I have tried to be polite in dealing with this and because I don't have any evidence other than he joined the sites he makes me look like some neurotic women and that's how I feel. It is comfort to know how different people would cope with this, I wish he had been on the site in question recently then I would feel strongly ,since it was last year I feel I don't have a leg to stand on,,
Any ideas how to leave him with a big impact, I would love the last laugh to be on him or is that cruel.
Tomorrow he is out so going to print off copies of his profile with MartiedAffair.com as well as doing photo shoots. It doesn't feel real and keeping it to myself this past few days , it feels diluted now as though I haven't a leg to stand on ,, my H IS a really nice kind bloke who does anything for any one but behind my back gets up to all sorts,m I am drained, getting old, tired and feeling worthless. Thank you so much for ALL your imput , it is really helping me deal with this, I thought I was over reacting as that's what he would sat. Thank you for your support
Jekyll and Hyde are still one person. Do you see what I mean?
People who "do anything for anyone" sometimes do it because it makes them look good - its a front, if you like.
Just as your marriage provides a front and makes your H appear to the wider world as a decent family man.
Because who would guess that the genial, friendly guy was actually emotionally abusing his wife by repeatedly cheating and gaslighting?
It covers up what is really going on underneath and distracts others from noticing that actually they are selfish, conniving little sh*ts.
You ask about making an impact and having the last laugh.
Play your cards close to your chest. Make your plan. When everything is sorted, calmly announce it.
He won't know what's hit him.
It's been a long time coming, don't you think?
Lol my maiden name is Hyde! Yes he has always been secretive and if I saw something he hadn't told me he would be on the defensive making out I am in the wrong!
I think he has got me thinking his way but I seem to get the blame, if we split he will say its my fault and make life as difficult as hell which is why I am scared to poo!!
In the last four years he has had an affair been on match and this other site and they are the things I found out! God knows if there is anything else, and he thinks I am being unreasonable,, 4 years ago I threw him out as I said and he refers it to me throwing him out and how difficult it was, people around him he made them feel sorry for him as though I was being cruel to him!!
He truly doesn't think anything he does is wrong and my up bringing makes me doubt my own judgement,,, how sad am I? Xx
Thanks Hatpin, I think petty as it may be , that is my plan,,, this worm has turned , thanks to all your support xx
Well he's clearly going to keep doing stuff like this until he finds what he's looking for be that an affair or a bit of a shag.
It's not as if he's fallen for someone he knows but is actively seeking someone else.
You cannot ever change someone's behaviour, only your responses to it.
Time to change I think.
Defensive and secretive. I deserve a qualification for experience in defensive and secretive men, as I have a 20 year marriage to one under my belt.
He presents to you - mostly- the side of you he wants you to see. He does not want you to see the whole him. How can anyone be truly kind and a secretive lying double crossing cheating manipulator at the same time ? They can't.
He wants you for one set of things - which he takes - and ow for another- which he also takes, by the way.
He will never admit he is wrong. Or it will be your fault. Or theirs. Or his mothers. But not his.
He will say, when push comes to shove, that he always worked and never beat you or some such list. But not admit the shit he does do. Because he is a manipulator and a liar. And he is only interested in meeting his needs really, so why would be be honest??
You keep saying you don't 'have a leg to stand on'.
But you have two fully functioning legs and a mind that's in possession of all the facts you need to leave this relationship.
He has been unfaithful and is still looking to be unfaithful.
He is abusive.
You are unhappy in this relationship.
This is not a happy home in which to raise your sons, or an example of a relationship they will benefit from.
Not one person will think you haven't just cause to end this especially if you tell them the truth, but in any case other people's opinions don't matter. They aren't in this marriage.
Stop making excuses or using imagery that suggests you cannot walk out. You can and you must.
My dad was the "nicest" guy in the world on the outside.
He was the type to loan money to friends, give them lifts 300 miles at the drop of a hat, lend out his lawn mower, paint the neighbours fence, mentor his apprentices till they thought the sun shined out of his ahole....
He was also the type to smash a coffee mug in my face (I'd left a dirty one in the sink), break a record player over my head (I was 8 and crying with insomnia in my bedroom), punch me in the head for belittling him.....oh the list went on.
The divorce that finally happened when I was 21 was the biggest show of shame that could ever happen to him. It was far worse than losing his family, it was all about what other people thought.
I remember meeting one of his apprentices (who had gone to the same school as me) in a nightclub when I was back at my mums from Uni, he started getting aggressive that I hadn't been to see my father, how could I so cruelly cut off such a wonderful man. My tongue was a bit loose on the alcopops and I told him everything. I practically had to shovel his jaw off the floor.
He must have fed back to my dad as the rumors started circulating about how I was a drunken loose party girl with no morals, he'd tried but there was no saving me from the drink and drugs... Yeah right dad...you know what, I didn't give two wild shites, I had moved away and I was free.
Bloody hell, wally, that is terrible
Oh he was an absolute charmer AF, or so the world thought.
Sorry Wally you had such a bad time xx
My H is more the secretive type he daren't show anything so obvious,,
This is such a journey, when I read back he post I feel my situation is not real . He sits next to me now unaware of what I know, he is all, polite and nice,,, he thinks writing posts or joining sites are harmless and that my reaction is unreasonable . It all feels out of control
Find your inner strength to do something about this. You deserve some happiness if your posts have been anything to go by.
You dc will just want you to be happy.
I think writing about your girlfriend on the internet is pretty obvious, as is going on holiday with her when you've got a wife and family back at home. And joining numerous dating sites, for which you've got screenshots.
Yes people in committed relationships don't join dating websites do they.....married men wanting a shag do things like that.
I can't stand people who present one face but are completely different on the other side. I raises the risks blatantly for me. Be what you are, and done.
I think when it happens to ourselves we feel soooo vulnerable, worn out, old and useless,,
You are not useless
You are worth a thousand of him, if you could but see it
I think I need some inspiration,,,
I reread his profile on" MarriedAffairs.com "tonight , his profile is still on the site as I speak,, not sure he has used the site since last year but non the less his photo and profile is there tonight ,, I feel so sick,anyone could see him,,,
I see anger, he will think there is nothing wrong, it was a stupid moment putting on his details,,
How do other people cope with the same...??
I feel a waste of space Eggfffff
I need a reality check pleeeeeeze, finding all his confusing,,,,,
I think that living according to someone else's truth makes us feel worn out and shit.
When he has gone, you will notice that life is simpler and happier. No second guessing, no comparing yourself to god knows what other women. If there is no one loving you but you, at least you know that, and then there is room for someone else to love you.
You sound like you need a good rest, some simple time and some respect for who you are. That will come in time. Xxx
You are not the waste of space
You are not a cheating second-class citizen
he always has been
you are seeing this now
it is no reflection on you....this is an inadequacy in him
The main thing is, he may lie. Do you think he loves you, even if the profile is a mistake? Could he convince you that he still adores and cherishes you based on the behaviour you see?
Driftwood come on.
What other inspiration are you expecting to get?
Not one person has said this is acceptable. Everyone's advised you to get the hell out and take your poor sons with you.
You keep going on about what your husband will say, but for the 100th time it doesn't matter what he thinks. Nor does it matter what anyone else thinks.
If you want to stay in this marriage, just say so and the thread will peter out.
Your H is seriously abusive, won't change and you need to get him out. But I definitely think your elder son deserves not to have his boat rocked for the next few critical weeks and that your younger son should likewise get his GCSEs over and done with before you confront your H. I think the weeks until the middle or end of June will allow you time to process the shock and anger and turn it to your advantage in terms of strength. Perhaps try to see the advantage in hanging on. You know that you know of his latest deceit but your H does not, so you can position yourself and plan, while giving your sons a blank canvas to get on with their exams. I really do think that after all his previous deceits you should wait, to give your sons their best shot at their respective exams. But once the exam season is over, you need to deliver a swift and uncompromising ultimatum to your H to get out, not return and to wait for the legal papers to come his way. Breaking things to make you feel mad: that's so much worse than you think - and it's him who's mad for that approach, so mad. very, very nasty and insidious too. Best of luck OP, you've been dealt a bad hand.
I know it is stupid but I find it confusing, he seems a nice bloke on the outside, he is great at everything, then I stumble on lies after lies, he denies them, these lies are on paper..... All day while he is at work everyday I get texts saying how much he misses me, how much he loves me... All so confusing, I know I am stupid and gullible ,,
A basic premise to live by...
Judge someone on their actions not their words
Where does that bring you, love ?
It's not confusing at all. He wants to screw around from the safety of marriage and gaslights you so that you won't take his safety away.
Have you ever printed off everything he's written online and shown it to a real-life friend who has your best interests at heart? Or shown it all to a lawyer?
Try it. Because us saying it online isn't getting you anywhere.
I think that under the circumstances anyone in their right mind would say to leave him. However, it is such an easy thing to say and an also an incredibly hard thing to do. I left a man after being with him for over 20 years after waiting until my children finished school. He had a passive aggressive personality and was very controlling. You have to be strong and know that you are doing what is best, however it is hard and you need support.
Driftwood, you can do it - if it's what you want but you will need to find inner strength.
I can promise you that the relief will be immense when you do it and you will be a much happier person all round.
Good luck xx
I hope you find the courage to leave
Driftwood, I came to see how you were getting on with your plan.
Do you need practical advice? Lots of us here have been through separation and divorce.
Ask us questions if you don't know where to start.
I haven't any friends or Family Baninage , the closest I have to a friend I showed her the profile and she just looked fir excuses and just said what's up with him, they are all the same blokes, is what she said ,,
Yes please, advice on divorce , how to go about finances please. I work part time, one son at home, mortgage under£500, I work 2 nights a week,,
I am dealing with this alone which is why I turned to the forum as an outlet, having no family makes this difficult and He is my only family and I guess I am struggling with my mind and my insecurities, I know deep down I want out, I feel repulsed when I look at him, thanks Hatpin
If I were you I'd make an appointment to see a decent solicitor and start doing the paperwork for a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour, which this is. And you have proof of the behaviour. If you delay for too many months the behaviour will be deemed too far in the past to count for the purposes of a divorce, then you'll have all the rigmarole about asking for your Hs consent. You can instruct the solicitor not to send the paperwork off until the last GCSE is done but to do it immediately thereafter. The fact that you're doing this should, over the intervening weeks, make you much stronger emotionally, much better equipped to handle his anger etc. and the fact that you've gone 'legal' means he will need to watch his step before breaking your stuff or playing other vile mind games. I'd show him the door the day that the papers arrive. The solicitor can give you other advice and you can get plenty on here. Just take care to engage a good solicitor, not any old one.
Just a technical point, Yellowtip may be thinking about divorce on the grounds of adultery, where continued cohabitation for more than 6 months after finding out about an affair means you can't rely on adultery.
there is no such time limit on unreasonable behaviour petitions.
OP Pop over to Legal for advice on the mechanics of the divorce, we're a very friendly and helpful bunch over there
Isn't there? I understood that the last incident of violence for example had to have occurred within the past six months, and of course that would be a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour too. I'm happy to be corrected but that was my clear understanding up until now. Apologies if I got that wrong.
I will be going for unreasonable behaviour, I checked his profile is still on the site for all to see, I am not sure he realises it or not as there hasn't been any activity but the profile was made along with a secret hotmail account and he wrote his sexual appertite for women to read, he was basically selling himself, I think that will be more than enough for the solicitor for divorce!
A bit childish but I would like to embarrass him with the revelation when it happens, more to shame him and hope he leaves our home which us going to be the most difficult part because he will be dammed he did something totally innocent and harmless plus I can't face him I need to do this a cowards way otherwise I will believe his puppy dog face and tears, followed by anger at me having the nerve to accuse him of something ,,,
Do you co own? In wh ich case he may be legally entitled to remain there until assets are divided.
But that doesn't matter.
What matters is your feeling in your own mind and heart that the marriage is over.
What's your first step going to be? Telling him? Seeking legal advice?
Congratulations by the way. Not lying and carrying on hoping is a great start to a better future xx
Yes we co own 75%/25% in my favour and you gets son is 15, from what I gather I can stay in the house til son 18. . My main concern is I can afford basic divorce costs but not enough to pay solicitors to sort out the financial side , wondering how other people sort out the financial side legally , there is no way I can afford it xx
I really don't know the divorce details xx but I am pleased for you.
If I ever ever go through a second bout of finding my h cheating, he is out.
A person simply cannot go through this often without losing all hope and joy and self respect. No wonder you have felt so low and isolated.
This link may help:
Good luck in getting rid of this vile man.
It's 5 days since I saw my H was on "MARRIEDAFFAIR.COM" last year........ I have printed copies of his profile but when it printed out it looks small and insignificant now.... It's as though holding it in all my anger and fire has gone as though I am getting used the the idea and forgotten
I tried to wake up my senses by looking at the site, put in an age and area and two pages of pictures of ugly men came up and my H is one of them, so though he hasn't used the site since last year that I can see his picture is on the site fir any one to venue!! That made me feel sick ,,
I told a friend today about what he did, she was disgusted but said she knows he won't leave the house even when presented with the evidence
Don't know what to do the wind has gone out of my sail.
Have you sought legal advice yet?
If not, make this your next step.
And so you stay on the merry go round
You stfu until you "get over it" and he carries on being an unhindered adulterer
What a grim way to live
Go to a lawyer and take your evidence with you, including any screen shots about the holiday with the woman he wrote was his 'girlfriend'. Take all the evidence of the dating site registrations.
You can do this, but you've got to want to change your unhappy life.
I still can't believe he has been so brazen, he obviously doesn't care who sees his grubby photos. And lying about going on holiday with another woman and then openly boasting about it - words fail me actually.
Are you really willing to tolerate this contempt he has for you?
What more does he need to do to get you to kick him out of your life?
The girlfriend on holiday was over 4 years ago, and I read what he had written at the time two years later(2yrs ago )
It does not matter how long ago it was - you can still divorce him on unreasonable behaviour grounds (if that's what you mean by your last post).
Do you still want to be living this sort of life in 5 or 10 years time?
Can you really "get used to the idea" that this is how your life is? Living with an unfaithful, man who is basically treating you like dirt.
This is so sad.
You may be entitled to Legal Aid for help with your solicitors fees.
Also, many solicitors give you free advice at your initial consultation.
You have nothing to loose by going to see them, the law often favours the wife in divorce cases and by the sound of your situation you won't have any problems in keeping your house until your younger son is 18 years old at least.
Good evening, drift. I've just read your thread and feel so angry on your behalf. I was with someone exactly like this for some miserable years and I sooo understand your confusion and uncertainty. He systematically infantilised, humiliated, belittled, manipulated, undermined and financially screwed me (in the creepiest, nice-guy-ish kind of way), and made me think I was always overreacting to his, on reflection, outrageous transgressions.
When I made my 'discovery' of his serial sex addiction, persistent adultery and fraudulent transactions, he convinced me not to tell anyone as a) "we were the ideal couple", b) he would lose face with friends and clients (he mixed business and friendships a lot, common in his field) and c) people would wonder why it was that he was looking for sexual gratification elsewhere, implying that it would somehow be a slur on me. I completely bought into this and kept it to myself, as he was such a 'nice guy'!
It took me a year to gather my senses and courage and get out, and I am so glad I did. But here is a testament to the power of this kind of 'nice-guy-ishness', even after I left and I told some of our friends what had really happened over the years, many were shocked to the point of disbelief, but still to this day count him as a dear friend. And I hear on the grapevine that he is giving his poor new DW the same treatment (they don't change...).
I wish you well and hope you can muster enough clarity and courage to liberate yourself from this poisonous man.
It wouldn't matter whether his infidelity was right at the start of your marriage, and you know it.
Stop making excuses and go to see a lawyer with your evidence.
Either that or stay with your husband and put up with this life.
But FGS do something and stop vacillating.
Vasilliating, I agree that isn't problem and I want together out of this!!!
Last Thursday I found out my H was/is on MarriedAffair.com he was active last summer , but I found out last week. There is a photo of my H on this site!
Unlike many people who have family and friends around them I unfortunately live in the welsh country side, no friends, neighbours or family, my H is the only person I see on a day to day basis .
No I am not changing my mind but ghe doesn't yet know I know he was on this site selling himself for sex!! Yes my posts are up and down because I am baring my heArt and soul to complete strangers hopping to get the strength to end my relationship with him once and for all. I realise some if you think I am off tha of , others understand. But this is why I am here to find the strength to sort my bull shit of a life and stand up to my H. I know he will dismiss the use of a dating I'd sex site as nothing , I need your assistance to help me to stop being weak and deal with this bloke. He sits next to me now, glass of wine in his hand, holding mine and expecting sex later in bed!! Acts as though he lives me soooo much but do far nix amount if years he us on a adtng site twice a year so far but belittles it as nothing . I am alone in this as you must see by now!! Even after 5 days I already feel finding my H was on a site for sex as nothing now, diluted over time and as though I haven't a key to stand into stand up to him .
I recently read about "Hysterical Bonding"how partners of cheaters turn to the person who cheated to console them.
Having no one to turn to I realise I turn to the person who cheats in me , this is a circle I can't get out of, this means he pops on me, gets away with it and it all starts again . Please tell me how you cope and break away ?
Real life help I think. He may also have indoctrinated feelings of solitude in you, but I bet there are people out there you can reach out to, who will listen and believe you.
Think hard about family members, old friends from happier times. Start creating a circle of friends and interests outside the home to normalize your life. Get back in touch with people.
Anything you fancy doing? A swim morning, or aqua-aerobics class? Some Pilates or a book group? mumsnet meetups?
You sound totally dependent on him. That will make you vulnerable.
Agree with Wally, you have to reach out to a life away from him, because that life is there.
If that is what you want.
Start detaching drift. You can't honestly have sex with a man who disrespects you to this level. How do you know it's safe...?
Let go of his hand and go sit in another chair, or room. Go upstairs and sort your sock drawer, get away from his presence. Get angry. Your acceptance is heartbreaking, he has ground you down.
Last week I watched a dark comedy on my ipad called Lizzie and Sarah, which was on bbc2 a few years back. Before I visited the relationships board I would have thought the story line utterly OTT. But last week I felt despondent that it was true to life for so many women at a certain age that have invested so much in their families and hold everything together at the cost of their own happiness so that men can walk all over them.
I didn't laugh at it, I cried for most of the day it was so sad.
Badinage a week of discussions on a forum is not really deserving of such a strong retort. If the posting irritates you that much you can choose to click and ignore?
Thank you for listening to me, I know I am up and down Bur I am trying to work through this .
At the moment I feel I am making a mountain out if a mole hill, can't get my head round it all , I am up and down which I know irritates some people but I know those who think they could deal with this don't know how they would react! If you asked me ten years ago if I would tolerate a h who has affairs or goes on dating sites orcs ex sites I would have said I wouldn't stand for it , but when shove comes to push it isn't that easy!! Yes I want out but some how I am brain washed to think I am making this our to be something it isn't !! Sorry I am waffling as I try to work this out!!! Xxx
You know I am scared of presenting him with this stuff I found out cus I know he will belittle it !!! I would rather lock him out with the posts written on my front door but I know that would cause more hassle xx
Driftwood it is the other way round -actually you are making a mole hill out of a mountain.
What has happened in your life to make you accept such disgusting behaviour?
Drift, it makes me feel very upset that you will have sex with him later
there are people who consider you as worth much more than this
I wish you could see it for yourself
The thing with gas lighters is not to engage in the manipulative conversation and inevitable bullshit and pity party.
Have a stock response planned and work through the possible scenarios.
Ok you might find this a bit silly, but give it a go:
- Find a quiet time when you are alone and won't be disturbed.
- Get two sheets of paper and write DW and DH on them.
- put them on the floor about 4 feet apart.
- step on the DW one and start talking to the DH paper about the evidence you have found and what you want to happen.
- step onto the DH one and answer with the response he is likely to give.
- work through it until you are confident that you have a strong opinion and all the answers to all the possible questions. You could also do this by writing down all the excuses, bravado and angry responses you will get in one column, and then the calm practiced answer in the opposite column. Read it until you have the answers to heart.
Remember the natural reaction of stress is fight or flight. This means that blood rushes away from the brain into the limbs during times of stress, ready to punch or leg it. So your brain isn't capable of responding clearly at these times (which is why people always think of "comebacks" after stressy situations) but you can train yourself to stick to your answers, and your guns.
The sentence you need to keep repeating is along the lines of:
It is not normal behavior for a happily married man with an active love life to seek illicit sex outside the marriage. It is unacceptable behavior on your part, you have damaged the relationship, and I no longer wish to continue in this marriage.
If you are still in contemplation stage here then there is no harm in working on getting your plan right.
I'm sorry if my response was harsh.
Maybe I shouldn't have looked up all the OP's other threads, but this hasn't been going on for a week, it's been going on for 5 years and the OP's poor son and friend have been trying to get her to do something about the situation.
Wally you're correct - I'm not the right person for this thread, so I'll step out and wish the OP and her sons luck.
You don't need to ask him for explanations if you think he'll just wriggle out of it. You don't have to wait for him to admit it before your allowed to leave.
This is no life for your children to see you living.
The holiday thing is ridiculous and I cannot comprehend how you let him just get away with it.
Incidentally, I would be looking at match.com again, and all the other casual sex and married sex websites with variations on the new email address.
If you can't leave, yet, I think you should look into some kind of counselling to properly work through how you do not have to accept this sort of relationship, and why you seem to think you ought to put up with so much crap.
Really you have to aim to leave long term. This man does not respect you or love you. How could you ever rely on him? How could you ever fully enjoy life with him knowing what you know?
This is no life for your children to see you living.
The holiday thing is ridiculous and I cannot comprehend how you let him just get away with it.
Incidentally, I would be looking at match.com again, and all the other casual sex and married sex websites with variations on the new email address.
If you can't leave, yet, I think you should look into some kind of counselling to properly work through how you do not have to accept this sort of relationship, and why you seem to think you ought to put up with so much crap.
Really you have to aim to leave long term. This man does not respect you or love you. How could you ever rely on him? How could you ever fully enjoy life with him knowing what you know?
It's true WALLY, that's exactly how I feel my brain goes numb and run out if argument and everything that's happened seems insignificant or as though it never happened.
But this time out of all I want to sort my self out and find out how to get past this amnesia my brain seems to go into.
My H doesn't yet know anything about the recent stuff I found out because of the kids exams but also so I stay strong but it's not working as I planned, the more time goes on its as though my argument gets weaker , yet I know I have every leg to stand on to kick him out.
Last night he came to bed all roaring to go but he says something crude and cheeky which made my insides cringe!! I said no way to the suggestion to which he said" yeh everything has changed, you don't do this or that" I said its not my fault it's all yours, he mumbled I know .... He slept as far away as possible to me and was cold and distant with me this morning ! Lol I thought" how can he treat me in contempt when he dies the stuff he does behind my back and i act all nicely nice"?
Going back to coping strategies I did the same when my first H was killed in an accident I acted as though nothing had happened, to me it had happened, it was a done deal , nothing could change it, no amount of years or self pity would bring him back.... Just like now u feel I am looking for self pity, maybe I am by seeking advice .... More like I don't know how to react normally without being scared of the consequences.
Your views are just as important, I am here to seek all views and thoughts and you ate right I do need a kick up the bum. So far everyone has brought a thought to my mind. Say you piece nothing offends me in the slightest, hence my situation at home. Without everyone's input I would have shelved this and let him get away with this, but with people's advice I am keeping this open to help me get strength to at last do something about the way I deal with things to kick him out and let go!!
Thank you for all the advice please persevere with me through this ? Xx
I feel so sad for you and you remind me of how I was for many years. So unhappy but could not find the self confidence or self belief to do anything about it. Things went on for years and I was utterly terrified of my (STBX)H. Really terrified.
Then one day the fear of living my life with him suddenly became greater than my fear of him. Like you I had no one to turn to, no family, no friends. I ended up secretly packing a bag and running away.
Because I had no support I ended up back in the marital home but I had broken through the fear and hope to be divorced soon now.
I am not proud of the cowardly way I acted but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could not tackle it any other way. We would have 'the talk' and then he would act as if it had never taken place. He was abusive on every level but oh everyone thought he was such a 'nice' man!
You will find your way. Take all the help you can get. Doctor. Counselling. Womens Aid. MN. Build up an escape fund. Get your important documents together.
You will find a way. I hope it will be soon.
Feeling stronger, appointment with solicitor next week, going to put wheels in motion x
Just one step at a time if that is how you can manage it.
That's great. Speak to two or three, find one you're comfortable with. It's amazing how talking to someone 'official' can help make it seem real. Good luck.
LittleEdie is right about seeing more than one solicitor. It took me three attempts before I found one that I felt truly understood my situation.
One thing my sister said to me a few years back " Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
And where do you want to be? Cos they ain't necessarily the same!!
Also, (as children tend to emulate the parents, or caregivers) do you want your sons to think its acceptable to treat their wives in the same way in the future?
Driftwood hope you are keeping strong
Out of Interest, and because I have been in your position, I thought you would find this useful:
I puzzled out that the reason I didn't act for so long was because I spent so much of the time going over the situation in my head. What I mean is, I was really spending all the time thinking about him and managing the situation, instead of doing something about it.
It's impossible to find the mental energy for both.
Once you start to act, it will add to your new perspective and give you something different to think about. One step at a time...you can get there.
Look up Cjel's post last week on the thread for the lady who has had cancer and a cheating h. It will be an inspiration.
Yes keeping strong, obviously things pop in my mind but as you say where do I see myself in 5 years time, I didn't think after his affair 5 years ago it would still be happening and denied at the same time, playing with my mind as he tries to wiggle out of what he did. Unfortunately this time his prized photo of himself purched on his precious motor bike which he uses for legit profile pictures of which people know him by, really has finished any doubts I had about him. I guess a bloke who places his photo openly and uses his real name too on a site to meet people for sex, is a man with a twisted, sinister mind or thinks highly of himself, it's that which has opened my mind to the bloke I live with.
You are right my sons, I have two others from my first marriage say little so not to make things worse , me trying to stay strong and let things blow over time and time again, just shows me as a desperate women, not the strong mum who was left with 3 young children when their dad died......
I believe to get through this now will make me a better person , and who knows what is around the corner .
One of my H,s alias,s on match.com was Lifesforliving, too right, life is for living!
I will do this bit by bit , hopefully after son goes back to uni which is next week sometime, meanwhile collecting stuff and getting him to finish things I am not handy with, ie, get my car MOT done early , then he can help to fix it if it fails, a but mersonary I know thank you for the support, really appreciated as I know my threads annoy some as I seem weak at times, when really I am just telling all the different thought patterns that go through my mind and I am trying to work through them too xx
Onefewrernow, that is exactly what I have been doing, in the end I rationalise what he has done and by the time I have worn myself out thinking, it's as though he hasn't done wrong, hence doubting myself.
I have read that post, I found her very inspiring and such a fighter, I too was in a similar situation last May having a biopsy last year and the year before, but nothing as major as that lady, who hasn't been worn down as she has such inner strength and conviction an inspiration to everyone xx
So glad .
I like your approach- make the best of his skills in the time left. He has had plenty of yours.
You can't get any feeling of power back until you act. Then each action makes you stronger. Until you can't imagine why you put up with it for do long.
And that is the reason why you will be able to build a better life eventually as by then you will have all that "personal power" under your belt.
It is about re growing those boundaries, brick by brick.
So many women come on here expecting the magic solution. There isn't one, but it seems so attractive when we have been ground down.
It is hard bloody work.
But now you are starting it.
Keep it up. And maybe still read the Bancroft book, even though some of it doesn't relate. As it will arm you for the future.
So glad to hear that you're in a positive frame of mind Driftwood and taking action.
It sounds like you're on the first steps of a road to a happier life, you won't regret getting rid of him.
Life is for living and the world will be your oyster soon you lucky girl!
Other people's views on here do help me, it's as though I weigh the odds on wether its acceptable for H to be on sites and wether my reaction is wrong. Think over the week I have gone over things and I kept thinking he will come up with good reasons why I should just take his actions as harmless and not meaning anything. Then I thought, makes no odds if he contacted any one, dies it.? The facts are, he opened a profile on an adult site, with a well used photo off himself, using his actual name, stating his sexual preferences, yes he opened it last Zune, I didn't know til last week, his profile is still on the site with loads of other ugly men wanting sex with stranger!! That's more than enough to end the marriage let alone add his affairs and past encounters with match.com, which were either jokes or old or just messing or nothing happened!!
I know I can't live this way any more, it's killing me from the inside out, yet everyone thinks we are so happy together cus to the outside world I carry on as normal, happy and bubbly acting like the " perfect"" lol wife,
People think we are soooo happy together always smiling and doing things for each other, all not real...
Worried how to deal with telling him, face to face, leave copies of the profile and letter to go, not sure how to deal with that one yet and do I expect him to pay half the mortgage if he goes since its a joint debt or do I ask for child maintenance instead, he isn't a big earner, so won't get both xx
Really good news to read about your lawyer's appointment next week OP. Make sure you take your print-outs.
It'll do you the world of good to hear a professional person telling you that you'd get a divorce in a nano second with all that evidence.
Will taking the printouts make any difference?
Being able to talk things through on here really helping, many different opinions but all in support, I have found that really good because I did expect people to look for flaws and perhaps excuse my H or find reason, apart from he is obviously unhappy with me himself.
I also learnt from other people's experiences that there is a pattern to my type of H and that he won't change . I see he seeks the thrill of doing things in secret, be it dating sites, organising things behind my back like loans or planning to buy something before he tells me, secret credit cards the list goes on and on!
I did think all this was part if married life, putting up with people's quirks or working through the bad and good times. But I found myself constantly on edge knowing there is a pattern , even times if the year he would be up to something. Previously 5 years ago I would find interesting sites he had visited on our PC on the history, this alerted me to check further. Then he bought an iPhone meaning he could use the Internet anywhere and I knew it would be hard to find anything out But I knew deep down in my heart he would be up to something .. He drinks quiet a bit each evening and I think sometimes he gets complacent hence me finding out about MarruedAffair.com.
I lived in fear of what next, knowing something was/is going on and it ate away at me along with the guilt of being a suspicious wife, Nuerotic some would say and I felt as though I was/ am the bady in the relationship for not trusting him.
I think I was relived if I was honest to have found the site with his photo and name, I realised after all these years my gut feeling that he wouldn't change was right and that no I wasn't going out of my mind, my instincts are all in tact.. There is so much more to him that meets the eye and finding his profile by pure flook really is the best thing to happen, as much as it breaks my heart and family life will be torn apart and he will find away to make life as difficult as possible for me( without evidence, enough to make me look the baddy and crazy) we will pay for his constant betrayal as the thought of me having anything even my rightful share if the house will eat away at him soon badly .
Guess that's another story?
Will take the copies of everything
Yes take the printouts - all of them. It'll be a big folder, if you incude all his holiday blogs and other dating site stuff you mentioned on another thread, in addition to this latest sex site stuff.
No-one would think this behaviour is acceptable in a relationship. Your sons have never thought it was, which is why one of them alerted you years ago to his stepdad's hidden phone. The lawyer certainly won't think it's acceptable. His or her job will be to get you the best divorce settlement possible - and lawyers are immune to slippery characters and know all their tricks.
You are very thorough badinage lol thank you for reading both my threads?
That's why I listened to what you have to say, harsh and true but you read through that's good xx
Yes I did read them and as far as I can recall, not one person had a different reaction. Everyone was justifiably horrified at what you've been putting up with for so many years.
One of the first thoughts the lawyer will have is 'why has it taken her so long to come?' but the thing is, better late than never. I promise you that the people who care for you will be cheering and raising flags when you finally get rid of this tosspot.
Lol I left that thread because I felt people thought it was nothing, I wrote a fresh in because I realised I needed help to get out if this and find a way out xx
Even now I do feel as though I am making a mole out if a mole hill
Do you want me to link it if I can find it again? I didn't see it at the time, but I name-checked you because someone on this one mentioned another thread. I can't remember anyone saying his behaviour was anything less than appalling though.
It's ok, I don't want people in king I am wallowing in self pity,thank you x
Well I've just found it and re-read it again and as I rightly recalled, everyone said his behaviour was horrendous and you needed to get out as quickly as possible. I'm mystified at why you thought that posters thought it was 'nothing'. If anything, they were even more excoriating about his behaviour on that thread, especially as you gave more details on that one of your son and your friend's attempts to get you to act.
Firstly I am SO so SO sorry some shit has done this to you. And by 'this', I mean ALL of it - affairs, crushing your spirit, manifestly (via your posts) it SCREAMS through that he has diminished you in every way. Hence presumably your phases of thinking its big, no it's not, yes it is etc.
It IS BIG. And it's NOT okay. And you do not have to 'live' this way - as what are you living when you DO live this way? Agree with ALL advice upthread and that re what you are (however inadvertently) 'showing' your sons is 'okay' in ways that will affect them in the future.
PLEASE get an STI check and PLEASE do not sleep with him - blunt but true, he could have given you HIV. And that pretty much succinctly confirms what he thinks of you in terms of respect and as a human being. You deserve more.
Sending you strength - I know how very hard it is to leave a marriage but you HAVE TO or you will go insane. And him doing this to someone who has already lost a husband in the WORST of ways somehow makes it even more despicable.
Last word - have you ever reported him to the police at all? As he HAS abused you and he IS intimidating you. Call and ask to speak to the DVU or PPP unit. As they will not only advise you but also have records that will help you.
Driftwood, first of all I am sending you a giant hug, because bloody hell you deserve it ((((((((((((((((((((((driftwood))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I have been divorced for a few years, he was a 'great, lovely guy', who ended up being an emotionally abusive snake who made me mentally ill. Like you, I put up with appalling behaviour after appalling behaviour, always thinking that things would get better, that it wasn't so bad, that he was such a great guy so must be having a breakdown etc etc. Later, I discussed with a mental health professional why on earth I had been willing to accept his endless lies and adultery. He said something very interesting, that a relationship is often an illusion, that I had such a false impression of who my ex-H was, that he could almost commit any sort of abuse, and that I was fiercely holding on to the false illusion, and dismissing reality as if it were unreal. It is this that drove me slowly insane.
You have been through some awful life experiences. You didn't deserve any of them, none of this is your fault. It is great that you are starting to see that you are worthy of more than this, but it is also normal that you keep doubting yourself, feeling fear etc. It is very easy on a forum to say 'Leave the bastard', (and I entirely agree that you should). But for someone who has been abused and ground down by their partner this can be a long process. I really think that as well as seeing a solicitor that you should ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. I think you need someone to support you through this process. Counselling has made such a huge difference to me, to enable me to see my marriage as it really was, and to enable me to have hope for my future as a single woman.
Being single is nothing to fear, but remaining in this abusive marriage really is. But I totally understand that while you are in it, your marriage feels like the 'safe' place to be. It is not safe though, it is damaging you terribly.
I have waffled on long enough. Please get as much support as you can, womens aid, the GP, counselling, even the samaritans. Talking to these agencies face to face will help you to find yourself, and to find your own voice.
Tbh it doesn't matter at all how you 'have it out' with him, and probably with an emotional abuser it is best not to. Just leave when you are ready, you owe him nothing. But womens aid will be able to give you advice about your exit strategy.
I wish you all the best, you are a good person and deserve so much more from your life.
Thank you semidetached, you put it in a nutshell....trying to maintain normality at home, if I hold back I am holding back on the marriage and an uncaring partner lol just trying to keep things going, but just lunging he days xxx
Driftwood, on your other thread there is serious financial abuse.
Also, his family are of the view that all is your fault exen when another woman and debt is involved?? He left after the OW incident and said he would leave his job to try and get more money out of you? He says about your unhappiness that you " wallow in self pity"?
Fuck me, he is a piece of work, isn't he?
He is an entitled and manipulative fuckhead, that is what he is.
And as for his poor me attitude and suicide threats on discovery, don't you know they all do that when the facade crumbles? That sort of man, anyway.
Don't I know it, not sure about financial abuse but he is hopeless with money and took out loans and credit cards against my wishes and behind my back. He has bare faced led to me about many things over a long period of time , which is another issue but again I am the grumpy file if I mention the LANs or debt he builds up, roasts and starts all ove again ... Out of this u feel like a grumpy, miserable cow and can't blame him looking else where, but that's what they make us sift women like lol
Well you don't know what financial abuse is then- look it up elsewhere on MN.
It is definte, if he is taking out loans behind your back. Even more so if you are jointly liable. Triple that if he spends most of it on himself.
If I came into your home and stole your money, made you pay it back, fucked your husband a d told you umpteen lies, would you say I was nice beneath it all if I paid you a few compliments?
If you are unsure of the answer, ask yourself why?
It is not you, it's him. He is a shit.
Am beginning to think you are laughing at all the lovely people on here who have helped and supported you so much.
You say that you have made a sol appointment for next week. Have you really? If so (unlikely) I don't expect you'll keep it.
You have done your sons a massive disservice by ignoring them and instead putting your own considerably-fucked needs first (need to stay with your husband as scary to be on your own, need your husbands money, need to ignore the issues you sadly have but have not sought an iota of help for, need to keep the status quo etc)
I really feel for your poor sons.
But YOU won't need to bother about them anytime soon, because they will be glad to scarper from the toxic, lifeless and miserable environment you have allowed them to be raised in - leaving you only with your husband.
And then you can post on MN again and the scenario will be different but you will still be making molehills out of molehills and further digging molehills, creating small mountains of the horse shit that he feeds you but still be unwilling to move them and dig yourself to freedom.
Driftwood have you registered on Experian for a credit check? It will tell you exactly which loans and debts you have against the address and in your names.
You might want to do this for further proof.
You obviously haven't read my posts properly Amazonian, the views and comments people have shared with me have opened my eyes up ! The reason I have come on here was to break the bad habit I am in and seek advice. Yes my posts seem up and down at times, which u did state, the reason being I wanted to express my thoughts and how they sway , not because I am changing my mind but because I too couldn't understand why my mind would sway.
I am more than grateful for all the advise and comments and I have said so numerous times and will again because other people's thoughts are helping me work through this, which is why I am here, not to wollow in self pity!
As for my children, my personal life with their dad does not affect our home life as you describe, we do have a close loving family and a happy home something I pride myself in because there was no way this toss pot was going to wreck my family........ My lads all love coming home from where they live and uni......... If you think I walk around feeling self pity or walk around being miserable and angry, you are wrong, I keep this to me , all inside which is why I am here Amazonian.
Wally, I don't have any loans or credit cards , just the joint mortgage. My H did a credit check for himself last year because of his loans etc but I did notice my name was in his report a few times..
SORRY. If any body thinks I have offended them as hinted by Amazonian, if I have it's due to not expressing my self properly soooooooo sorry everyone, I wouldn't be dealing with this if it wasn't for ALL of your support and thoughts XXX
Sorry just retread the post I wrote last night with lots of errors by predictive text, the just was my H thinks I am the grumpy one if I mention loans or debts or overdrafts , after I mentioned anything to him I always felt like I was the nagging wife and that I was the problem not him.... And because I feel like the nagging wife I stopped saying anything.
Sorry if the post I wrote last night offended any one, I typed it quickly on my iPad with H next to me, but obviously shielding from him while h watched TV xxx
As for my children, my personal life with their dad does not affect our home life as you describe
Sorry love, if you seriously think that a lad feeling compelled to tell his mum about his stepdad's affair phone hasn't affected him, you're seriously deluded.
Of course your kids have been damaged by this relationship. These are 5 years of their lives that they'll never get back.
What day are you seeing the lawyer?
I just spoke to my youngest son , he is easy going an unassuming like me, but yes you are partially right . Friday morning is my first appointment with local solicitor x
Oh good Drifteood.
Step in the right direction.
Oh love, let's hope he's not like you, or his father figure. Your behaviour hasn't been 'easygoing and unassuming' because those can be positive traits in the right circumstances. In your family situation, those traits have been positively damaging and dangerous in the face of serious threats to the entire family's happiness and wellbeing.
It's the way I was brought up, stiff upper lip and all............. I learnt my bad habits at an early age.... I tried to shelter my kids but obviously I was wrong.
I saw all sorts growing up and learned to put it away, I grew up knowing adults had affairs and worked through it and stayed my married ...... But I have been trying to get out of this, yes I am weak and pathetic in your eyes , bandinage but what I have been doing was for lots of reasons but even I have had enough x
Best of luck you deserve peace and honesty in your life.
I left my exdh for different reasons but later on found out he was also a liar. My instincts had been right.
It's awful but is not your doing. He is wrong. He is the liar. You deserve respect but it won't come from him. He'll play the nice guy because if he showed his true colours all the time you'd have gone ages ago.
You've had amazing support on here. Shame there isn't a mumsnetter near to you? I'd support you in RL if you lived near to me.
You're obviously and amazing mum
I was sexually abused as a child from 4 onwards....I didn't realise what was happening til I was 11....by then it had gone on for a while.
When I realised what was happening I pulled away but I knew I couldn't tell anyone , it would ruin my whole family... And that's if they believed me..
I kept it to myself but as I grew up I was approached by a few other members of the family, totally isolated incidences, but I think it made me view men and their actions as nothing.. Even now I little what happened by saying it was only this or that but I know if I knew it happened to anyone I know I would kill them, not literally ...........
I'm so sorry about what happened to you as a child.
Have you had any therapy?
If not, please set aside some money for that. Even to a layperson, it's now obvious why you've dealt with this the way you have.
You need some proper, qualified help love. The sort that's beyond us to give.
My H and I had an unexpected chat last night and the past was discussed , we both had a few glasses of wine so I didn't tell him that I knew he had joined Married affairs.com last year but I did ask why he joined match.com last year and the year before, which was the discussion ...... His replay was, firstly he carried on denying he had used the accounts, that they were old and he closed them but then he gets all argumentative and the discussion turns to me, that I am holding grudges against him, what has he done since last year, nothing , he says................... I sit there with the wind out of my sails, feeling I don't have an argument and that he is right, I am the problem for not dropping it......but then I think am I losing my marbles because he can minimise everything he does and I feel like a hopeless nag,,,this is where I doubt myself .............but then I think I am no fool, but why can he make me feel so stupid so easily over all this , that I doubt myself? Xx
Why? Because for your whole life you had your self worth ripped away from you, and now you only feel you have any worth if someone ELSE tells you that you have. So everytime your H deflects any criticisms away from himself and redirects them towards you, you immediately feel like that unworthy little girl who was abused, and treated badly.
Your H has no moral compass, what he views as acceptable is VERY unacceptable. Don't ever doubt that, no matter how much he tries to make you.
You need to stop looking to him for your worth - because that is a very faulty mirror. Look inside yourself - you are strong, and resilient. You have brought up 3 wonderful boys. Turn those strengths of yours into a positive instead of a negative. Instead of using your resilience and strength to put up with the crap that your H has dished out at you, use it to get away, and make your own life.
You don't know how much I needed for someone to say that too me. I am sitting here realising that my H knows too well how to make me doubt my own mind and worthless and until recently I always fall back to him even after everything he does. I watched him talking last night, dismissing anything I said , making out it was all in the past and that I was a nag holding on to grudges, and I could see for the first time, he knew I would fold and doubt myself, my judgement ,my worth. He knows I have no one to turn to but more he knows he can bluff me as he acts like the victim.
What you say is soooooo very true, thank you so much, that post came at the exact time I realised the same .xxxx
Oh they are very clever, these abusers. They know your weaknesses and exploit them without mercy. Which is why you have no family support, because I'm guessing your family treats you in a similar way.
Your H has managed to cut you off from people in RL, but you always have us here on MN. We're always here as your back up, so there is no need to feel as though you are alone.
I think I cut myself off from my family probably like you said felt worthless growing up and just learnt to look after myself at an early age which meant I probably depend more on a one to one relationship or need that one to one and feel lost without being part of a couple. I guess the best part is I am trying to unravel why I put up with stuff and why I roll over and put up with things instead of dealing with them.
Since posting on mums net about my recent dilemma my eyes have been opened by advice and other experiences and I was relived to see I wasn't going mad to want to stand up to what he he does, past or future. If it wasn't for accidentally finding he had joined MarriedAffairs.com last June( only found out 12 days ago though) I wouldn't be reanalysing everything and looking for a away out....... He made me feel in the past I had no justification to be angry or upset about anything. In the past so this time I wanted advice and retrain my brain to confront him with what I recently found out about him and I wanted to do this before I show him what I know as I am certain he will wriggle out if it. Xx
I had no intention of any confrontation last night so wasn't prepared BUT..........WHY is it that even with evidence in my mind, dates, photos, texts messages got them all.....when HE says I am wrong it didn't happen that way or, it was a joke or it was an old match.com profile,or I am holding on to a grudge, .................why do I feel the baddy without a leg to stand on any more? Xx
I like you would argue with my DH about his behaviour in our marriage, and it almost felt like I had to convince him that things were bad enough for me to leave, like he had to agree to let me go. It was liberating (literally!) to realise that was not the case.
Because you don't now how to feel like the goody without someone telling you that you are. The alternative, therefore, is being the baddy.
The only baddy in this relationship, though, is him. Be honest with yourself, you know him, you know that he will NEVER admit it, never in a million years. His only option is to turn it around. He has always done it, and he will continue to always do it.
Oh they'll never admit it's their fault. Not in a million years.
You are right and I don't expect him to admit it, but why when he defends himself do I feel I haven't a leg to stand on, it's as though the screen shots, the actual profile and details he supplied are in my imagination and don't read what they actually say..... I know it seems stupid of me, but why does the reality of things just vanish when he argues his point ? My mind goes blank and I seem to have no argument !!! I think I am a hopeless case?
I end up feeling I am imagining all this and making life hard for myself, arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
One of the methods that abuse victims have of dealing with the abuse is compartmentalising things. So the abuse gets locked away in another part of the brain, not to be touched by the other part of the brain that deals with the day to day aspects of life.
Once the technique of coping is learned, it becomes a way of dealing with other stressful/difficult situations. Which is probably why you feel as though it's 'imagined' or 'just vanishes' from your brain - because it is in that other part of your brain which you have become used to locking away.
Oh driftwood, so sorry for all that you have been through.
WHY is it that even with evidence in my mind, dates, photos, texts messages got them all.....when HE says I am wrong it didn't happen that way or, it was a joke or it was an old match.com profile,or I am holding on to a grudge, .................why do I feel the baddy without a leg to stand on any more? Xx
You are so worried about confronting him, about him wriggling out of it, making you feel stupid and unreasonable. Then don't give him that chance.
Put your printouts of the latest screen shots in an envelope.
Once you are ready to leave him, tell him it's over because you don't want to be with him anymore. This is fine. Really. He can't make you stay in a relationship with him. I think, from what you have said that it would be unwise to get into a discussion with him about the recent website issue. Because it is that which has made you realise that all of it has been unacceptable. This is the final straw. If he's going to tie you up in knots in an argument, then don't bother having one. Just keep repeating "I don't want to be with you anymore"
It actually doesn't matter what he thinks.
As a parting shot you give him the envelope.
If you do not want to discuss anything with him, if this would strengthen your resolve, knowing you didn't have to get him to admit/agree, then don't have the discussion.
You can leave him you know without providing proof that he is cheating.
His shitty behaviour is more than enough reason for ending the marriage.
DIYapprentice......that's exactly what I have done all my life even after my first H was killed, I automatically put it away and got on with my life as though he stepped away... But now with what happens I want it to stay in my mind to give me strength but it vanishes in days, hence me going round in circles and annoying some people as it seems I can't or won't solve this, thank you for understanding me.
Scarlet women, I agree with you and wish I could just leave but I can't afford to rent somewhere other wise I would live to walk away, I need to face him to force him out or leave the envelope while I go to work and hope he leaves.
Mad about choc, you are right but I feel I need to stand up to him, but its not working ....xxxx
You need to tell him something he cannot argue with.
How about: "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be with you." and just repeat.
Driftwood - I really, really think you should get some counselling to help you. You have developed a coping mechanism that has helped you survive.
But you deserve to live, not just survive.
You need a new coping mechanism now. You have a lot of trauma locked away and I'm worried for you - trying to unlock this compartment on your own could cause the emotions to overwhelm you. You haven't had a grieving process for your losses, and it sounds as though you have had more than your share of them. The thought of all that grief hitting you all at once ...... please, please get some help.
Scarlet is right - even if you feel that he is being totally reasonable, that you are being a 'nag' (his words, not yours/mine) even if the sex-memberships/affairs etc are years old/over/a joke, you don;t need the evidence to end this abusive, conniving, undermining relationship. He will probably never apologise (and what good will it do, anyway?) and never admit to being wrong or unreasonable.
You can still get out from under him, without evidence of his wrongdoing. Just walk away towards a new, better life for you and your dc.
DIYapprentice, don't worry, I am fine I promise you, I don't need counselling, I have learnt to deal with things but I avoid confrontation which is my weak point. I have learnt a lot about my relationship with my H and living isolated in the country is ALS a reason I have put up with things and scared to make the change....feeling a failure too, being out of control and not in a normal relationship has taken its toll..... I had nervous exhaustion 15 years ago, my body just wouldn't work one day and I had to learn to cope with stress and prevent the symptoms returning, hence my now laid back attitude, I know there is no point getting het up with things that have happened and learnt not to let things get to me, that's my protection mechanisms to take things in my stride , thank you for the concern though xx
Stop engaging with him. It's irrelevant.
Just get out of the relationship if that's what you want to. If you don't - then stay.
It's your choice.
Your lawyer on Friday will be able to advise you about how to achieve living separately.
I have never seen a poster more in need of counselling than you driftwood.
Of course you need counselling.
You have not learnt to deal with things at all. You've learnt to avoid things and to pretend they are not happening, especially if one person says they are not. You won't listen to the other 100 who are telling you something different, even your own children.
Thank you for your kindness bandinage, a person not to mince her words , unable to recognise a person in genuine need of help .... Thank you so much, I won't be posting again!
Thank you so much to everyone else, your kindness and support has opened my eyes, yes I go around in circles as I try to sort this out in my mind.
To badinage I say, walk a mile in someone's shoes before you knock them
You should show half an ounce of the irritation you feel at Badinage, at your husband.
You can obviously throw a top flounce.
Pick your battles - I kindly suggest that your first should be with him.
unable to recognise a person in genuine need of help .... am very cross on your behalf badinage.
Tequilas all round at my place.
No flouncers allowed.
Also, driftwood says she's not going to post again...so let's celebrate and create merry havoc. <<does a backflip>>
Baked potato with cheese, beans, sweet chilli and smokey bbq sauce anyone??
Mmm that's lovely. Thank you Missus Me.
No no <<noises off stage left>> I'll pass on the tiger prawns in a delicate saffron sauce for now.
But some of those scrumptious chicken wraps with olives feta and chips would be super. Ta.
<<great flouncing party OP!!>> munch munch.
Just an update to say " thank you " for ALL of your support........................it's 4 weeks today that I found my H has a profile on MarriedAffairs.com..... My son at Uni has gone back to finish his finals, he lost his dad when he was one, he deserves a bright future, not to be affected by my 2nd husbands hang ups .
I did feel bad at the wy I was dealing with things but as a mum my duty is to protect my kids through thick and thin... My on is back at uni and now I can deal with my H.
I have made an appointment with a counsellor on Monday at 10 am, she knows my past , my intention is to end the marriage , I feel fit and strong now, my son ont be affected , he should know about this when its done and dusted...... My kids mean more to me than anything but now it's my turn xxxxxxxxxx
Have you confronted your husband OP? Said anything at all? I truly do hope you find the strength to save yourself.
Hi, no, not confronted my H yet as son went back to Uni yesterday. Booked with a counsellor , intend to do something soon... Finding it hard to hold on and not explode. Looked at rented houses but decided my youngest needs the security of staying at home, he too has exams in the next few weeks..... That's what annoys me most, he poos on me and I am the villain not to stand by and let him continue to pull the wool over my eyes, and ruin my sons future, he shags around regardless, and I have to be refrained and pick my moment fir the sake if my sons xx
Keep looking. Get to the solicitor and the counsellor - exam season finished mid June, you need to be ready to act then. Immediately.
Good luck. Don't drift along driftwood...
Why do I still feel in love with my husband? I realise this may seem stupid to most of you, but I am trying to work my way through all the different thoughts and feelings.
He doesn't know I have found out he was on the affair site, sometimes I just watch him in his daily life, he is happy and smiling and everything I fell in love with, we laugh and joke as normal , he works hard, loves our son and his family, he has lots of work friends and hobbies and not a stale type of guy, I can't fault the person I see on a daily basis, that is the man I am in love with.
If I hadn't stumbled on emails or stuff I would never have dreamt this man would have affairs or join sites, that's why when he defends himself, I look at him and think, yeh it's me who has got it wrong, yeh, he didn't mean it or no, he didn't take it any further!
Yet the other half of me is fighting and saying , don't be so stupid, can't you see this man is a secretive liar and has two sides to him............... But when I look at him and watch him, I see the man I love,,,,,,,,,that is why I am having trouble doing anything...... At least now I know where my problem lies....like I said I am a hopeless case? Xx
Yep....liars are really good at the 'pretence that everything is ok' thing. Its really hard to work out. I think there are two types of people - those who can and those who can't do it. Underneath it all somewhere, there must be guilt and doubt eating away at him....or maybe not?
Trying to look at it objectively (I know its hard) if it was a close friend and not you in the situation, what would you say to them?
I would say, enough Is enough, he has proved he is never going to change and he can never be trusted..........and he is not the man I see!
The worst part is my son will be the hardest hit by this as my H I freed to pursue his sordid life!
Why do I feel the baddy in all this?
Keep that counselling appointment at all costs, but PLEASE re-book the solicitors as well.
You are not the baddie - you have done nothing wrong apart from try to deal with the situation which you have been handed in the way that is best for yourself and your son.
I will rearrange the solicitor when things are certain. I found I couldn't get the first appointment free for general advice, it was costing£140 plus vat, I guess this is average depending your area, but a hurdle I can't afford to pay, in an ideal world I do need a solicitor but I can't afford to instruct one to act for me and the financial side is slightly complicated too, to add to things xx
I doubt you will rearrange. Unless you were fibbing to us about making the appt., you were prepared to pay that a few weeks ago before you bailed out on it.
Hope the counsellor you've booked is specialist enough. Personally, I think you need someone medically and psychiatrically qualified.
Why do you say that badinage? I am dealing with this fine just taking my time because I am scared , surely that is normal . My finances are not in a position to pay for the solicitor as my car failed its mot, I work part time and yes I am putting off the solicitor because I can't afford to go to them or divorce , .., I feel you think I am the one with issues , and perhaps making all this up too? Xx
Oh come on Driftwood. I say this kindly. I really do.
It is really unusual not even to raise the issue of his infidelity. And I think there is a huge esteem crisis if you think you can't because you can't trust yourself not to end up feeling in the wrong.
And isn't your son over 18 and at Uni, or did I get that wrong?
I see that Badinage is quite blunt, more than I would be, but I agree totally with her assessment if your H.
My youngest is 15, my other son just back to uni. Sorry I see what you mean, I guess I am totally insecure, more than I realised. I see what has happened is making me feel harsh on myself too
The counsellor is a psychotherapist too. I a trying my best to do this ins dignified manor , probably not my best idea, trying not to let it affect my job or kids, putting everyone first but me
If you'd read the thread baba I would hope you'd agree that this poster needs some professional help, given her traumatic life experiences so far and the way they have contributed to this dreadful situation of long-term denial she has found herself in - and the impact this has had on children who have already had sadness and loss in their lives. It is not shameful to seek some medical help, nor is it it 'bullying' to suggest it. Neither do I have any particular standards to uphold just because I am 'female' as you call it.
I'm all for giving vulnerable posters support when they need it, but that comes in lots of different forms. When there are kids involved who've been unwittingly dragged into a parent's infidelities and have had to live in an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion for years then IMO, mollycoddling a person and enabling her continuance of that life is irresponsible - and I won't do that.
Peace and love, eh?
driftwood, you are definitely not the baddie in all this! and no, it doesn't seem stupid to me that you still feel in love with your husband. the reason why I say this is because whenever we have been with someone for such a long time, sometimes we subconsciously (I think) don't let ourselves see the 'real' them or we choose not to open our eyes about them even when the evidence is there staring at us. It may seem stupid to some people, but if you've been there you can understand it. But I promise you, it doesn't last forever! You will see him for what he is and when you do (sooner the better), your DCs will cope more than you realise.
Your husband is the one in the wrong, he really is. Please don't say you're a hopeless case, you're not. I've thought that in the past about myself and lived to get through it, you will too once you take action (sooner the better).
Driftwood - glad you're dealing with this a little now.
I really hope you do keep your counselling appointment, they will give you the strength to cope with dealing with this properly, instead of just putting it away and not dealing with it.
Please also get at least 'some' legal help. If nothing else for now, look up what your rights would be. There's a lot of good advice on these threads as to what you are entitled to after a break up. Especially as you already know that your H will make things as difficult as possible for you when you do bring this up.
The legal board might be worth posting on for the complicated financial matters.
DIYapprentice, I have checked out the legal board and Wickivorce too and collating as much advice as I can. The counsellor is at 10 Monday and I won't be missing that as it is my first chance to actually speak to another human about what is happening and ask for some suggestions.
Dontyouwantmebaby, thank you , what you say is true and what everyone has told me so far has made sense.
Bandinage, I am sorry if things got out of hand and i know your intentions are well meaning, one thing I am not is soft so what ever you say I don't find offensive and you are entitled to your own judgement as we all are and I have taken what you said on board.
I do need a push which is why I resorted to discussing my problems with mums net. I have been reading other people's journeys in similar situations and how they dealt with it and others views .
The support given in mumsnet is valuable to someone who lives in the country and miles away from anyone , and truly thank you for listening to me going around in circles to reach my goal, xx
How about printing out your threads and taking them to the counsellor? Just as back-up though, because I think it would be very powerful to say the words and see a RL person's reaction to the behaviour you've been experiencing. That's the trouble with a forum. You can't see people gasping, grimacing, swearing or even shedding a tear at what some people go through in the name of 'love'.
I'm not easily offended either but I didn't see that posters second deleted comment anyway, so no worries.
Well one step at a time OP.
The only option which really isn't an option is pretending it hasn't happened. He is on that site, and it won't go away.
However nice he is in the normal course of a week or year, you know that this man has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. The one he presents to you and the other one.
I know I found it hard enough to face what my h was doing and believe my own head rather than his mouth, and he was actually quite selfish and inconsiderate the rest of the time, so it should have been more obvious. But, on that subject, think really hard... how nice us your h really, in ordinary life? Because nine was when everything was going his way, and it was only when I raised this or finally when my suppressed unhappiness forced him into a house move that he became a real shit. Maybe you might notice that your h is nice because you are doing all the compromising, and maybe without even raising issues.
You are right, you do need to say this to someone. And face that it has been going in in various situations and contexts for years.
I was going to print off the profile and the page with my ah,s photo along with the other blokes waiting to be picked, but like I said his photo is still on the site but no activity since last July so far.
It's true though if this was someone else's life I would be angry for them, so hopping chatting on Monday will open things up for me, either way I know I am ready to burst, been holding it in so long but feel when I do burst nothing but silence will come out of my mouth!lol
Have set myself a goal to confront him, not sure how , face to face, the cowards way, leave him a letter and go somewhere to stay for the night for him to pack his bags. This is where I am the biggest coward of all,
Really chomping at the bit, .
I came home from work this morning and he greeted me with a hug and how much he loved and missed me, I hugged him back but he doesn't smell like my husband any more, he feels like a sickening sleezy bloke.
Hope everyone has the sunshine we have today, my pony loves rolling around , getting rid of her winter coat, she is lucky, no men in her life just me! Xx
There's another thread at the mo where posters who use these affairs sites have explained what happens. Apparently they are just for making contact and all the 'activity' occurs off site once private numbers/e mail addresses are exchanged. Just cos there's been no 'activity' on the site since July, doesn't mean he's been inactive.
I know that, that is how I found he had been on the site in the first place. I typed in an old hotmail account and didn't put the last 4 numbers and up came his emails from the site, dating last may-July . I clicked in to the link which took me straight to his profile and details, everything had been wiped off his account apart from a selection of females he had chosen as liked but nothing more!
This brings me back to my first post, will he try to wriggle out if this as to him it was years agi( 10 months) since he went in and no proof he met anyone either,,, though a photo of himself , his real name and types of sex he liked!,
And it brings it back to what was probably mine.
It doesn't matter what he does or says. If you want to end this relationship you do not need a reason to do it
Stop bothering about whether he can 'wriggle out' of anything.
No-one can 'wriggle out' of being dumped.
This is where my head goes all over the place!
H has gone away on a course with work, the minute he leaves I get texts saying how much he loves and misses me already, there is a letter on my bed too.... I will receive texts all night saying how much he loves me,,, when we are together or apart it's as though we have everything going for us ,,,,,,,,,,,...this is why my head can't process all this and the reason I can't let go, it's hard to explain but this is why my head goes round, how can a man who is so blatantly in love with me, do the things he does, that's why I am so confused xx
Some people are able to compartmentalise
They see wives/husbands as the creme de la creme, they see some other people they use just for sex as somehow inferior
In men, they would be described as having a madonna/whore complex, have a look at a good representation of that here
Not sure that is his type, his sex drive is over the top. Nd never leaves me alone, though I think his drive is over the top. At times when things have been wrong it has also been times when there have been no barriers a nd sex as frequent as many times a day... It's as though he can't get enough . When I do say I am not in the mood he does get all tetchy and I am some frigid women even though until that evening sex hadn't been short.
Obviously I have gone through all sorts of reasons why, but I think he likes the thrill and seeks more fulfilment else where!
Bottom line though
the man is a cock
what more do you need to know ?
Holding this all in is sending me a bit doo lally to say the least.
It was our sons parents evening on Tuesday and I went with his dad. I have never felt so nervous in my life!
I found myself wondering who my husband new, or if he had met any women on dating sites or anything else! And one of the mums who he approached on a dating site 4 years ago was there, she and I were chatting and my husband appeared next to us! I can't believe the Gaul of this bloke, he seemed to be strutting tall and I was ashamed, I felt sick.
I went home in silence, I feel , old, ugly, useless, stupid I know to let this event effect me like this , now I am edgy, snapping and walking straight into his hands as the miserable wife!
Sorry, had no where to turn, just been for a long walk in the wind and rain to clear my head!
Oh dear, driftwood - that must have been so difficult for you. How have you been holding up generally?
Thank you DIYapprentice. I thought I was holding on quiet well, obviously I have moments where I can't believe I am being nice to this bloke and his approach to me makes me cringe some times ,with the knowledge I have of him.
The parents evening I didn't expect for it to have an impact on me, I now realise where ever I go with him I m embarrassed , even though nobody knows what he does behind my back recently. To add to it the first women he met on match 8 years ago also has a son in my sons year, I know of her name but nothing else, I could have been in the same place as her I haven't the foggiest , it was such a surreal feeling, that I honestly felt. Was going off my rocker, let alone my sons report by the teachers was glowing apart from their concerns over his revision for his GCSE,s.
I am only holding on so I don't affect the boys exams, ones final law degree other year 10 GCS!s.
I can't believe the effect it has had on me, lost my energy, zest in just a short few days, after I found He was on the sex dating site, I kept my head up high and motivated, I had fire in my belly, now I feel in a bubble!
It's a long time to keep hold of anger, it's not surprising that despair creeps in instead.
GCSE exams will soon be over, won't they?
What will you do when they are?
Really sorry to hear this. I've been wobbling again recently after weeks of thinking I'm ok. I think betrayal is especially difficult to get over, but when it effects your kids its soul-destroying. I don't want my ex back but I have to see her all the time and I think that is what is making this more difficult. Being nice seems the easier route, and you seem like a genuinely nice person who can't do 'bitterness'.
If you work out how to get through it please let me know!
Exams will finish for the youngest the middle of June.
I feel as though I am being eaten from the inside out, I have all the feelings inside and happy go lucky on the outside, even bought new summer clothes, booked a make over, joined the gym too, anything to make me feel good, all I see is a crabby old has been too!,,xx
Lol, skaboy, I will let you know if I find the magic formula!
People think this is the easiest option staying, it is soul destroying .
Do you think you will leave after your son finishes in June?
It sounds so horrible for you, I know the exact feeling of sinking, losing yourself and feeling like you are slowly going crazy.
Would it help to say that once I was out of the relationship I used to be in, the one where I felt I was descending into madness and it must all be me, and about a year after that (for some it's not a quick fix but you have to go through a bit more hurt) that I genuinely am glad I'm not still stuck in that situation? And that it wasn't all my fault at all?
I understand you don't want to disrupt your boys. But I bet if you asked them a few years down the line they'd just want their mum to be really happy. And I think you know you can't be really happy in this marriage ever again. He's fucked you around too much.
To be honest in this situation if rift between looking at houses to rent, to thinking if telling him to leave , which he won't , to wondering if I could stay this way. My finances are either way with family tax creds, I will have £150 left for fuel, food, schoolboys fares, and utility bills, so trying to work that bit out.
Have seen a house I liked a few months ago to rent but I couldn't take my dog, but now they will consider a pet.
I am really scared but I know the relief and happiness will be worth the struggle , so yes I intend to leave him the profile in a frame and leave to pastures new with my two sons. Xx
It's really good that you know it would be worth it. YOU are worth it, you deserve it. And when you have a wobble of wondering if you could just stay, just remember that!
Its really scary thinking of the future but you have to concentrate on the positive outcomes of which there are many - good luck
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