Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The evening didn't end well...

(65 Posts)
Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 03:03:18

'D' H went to a colleague's leaving do after work, with my blessing. I'm currently on ML with DS and coincidentally DD was also at home with me today after our CM fell ill.

I went to bed at 10pm having fed DS who's still in our room. No idea what time H got home but DS woke at 1.30 for a feed. Whilst I fed DS, H got out of bed and pissed against the wall of the bedroom.

At first I just gently called out to hime to go to the bathroom, he said "I am in the bathroom". I told him he was weeing up against the radiator and he said "no I'm not." etc.

I couldn't get out of bed to move him into the bathroom as DS was still attached to me, and anyway H had finished marking his territory at this point and got back into bed. He'd left his shirt on the floor so I used that to soak up the wee.

I couldn't get back to sleep and ended up shouting at him to wake up, then moving the bedclothes to get a response. Finally he woke up and I really let rip at him. I even shoved the wee-soaked shirt in his face. Finally he responded by punching my arm. He reckons that of course he didn't piss up against our bedroom wall, that he's not drunk and why am I allowed to shove urine-soaked clothes in his face while he has to lie there and take it. Then he got back into bed.

I then moved DS into the spare bedroom with me. H followed me. I grabbed one of the phone extensions and dialled two nines and told him I would dial a third if he came near me. He kept telling me not to be so ridiculous, that of course he didn't piss in our bedroom and how come I'm the one allowed to wake him up by shoving a wet shirt in his face. I told him he'd really pissed his chips - literally.

Bit of background... In January, during a particularly heated argument, he punched me so hard in the arm it left a massive deep bruise for weeks. He also kicked me on the arse whilst I was holding DS. I told him that was his final warning and that I wouldn't tolerate DV.

Don't know why I'm posting really. I've read so much MN that the next step is obvious. He's off to a client meeting later this morning (flying, not driving). I intend to make sure he arrives home to a packed bag of essentials and a note telling him I don't want anything to do with him except through a solicitor.

I know it sounds like a massive overreaction on my part but I can't risk an escalation in violence with the DCs.

Thanks for reading my rant...

WafflyVersatile Fri 22-Mar-13 03:10:50

Not an over reaction. Get those bags packed..

In a 'normal' relationship I'd say it would have been better to leave him sleep then talk to him. But this is obviously ongoing and hitting you Is unacceptable.

AbigailAdams Fri 22-Mar-13 03:11:50

It isn't an overreaction on your part, far from it.

This man is violent and it sounds like he may be escalating that violence. You are going to be doing the right thing. Keeping you and your children safe.

I would have his bag packed outside the door and not let him back in. I would also go and talk to the local police to let them know what you are doing. They maybe able to give further advice (and have a note of his behaviour).

Good luck xx

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 03:18:42

Thanks both. I intend calling 112 in the morning as well, just as a safeguard.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 03:22:28

By the way Waffly I wasn't dismissing you when you said it might have been better to let him sleep then talk to him. Normally that's what I would have done. As it was, I guess I was just so utterly wound up by the whole thing I couldn't just leave it.

SquinkieBunnies Fri 22-Mar-13 04:02:57

Not over reacting at all. You know what needs doing, be safe.

MammaTJ Fri 22-Mar-13 06:32:55

Have the police concacted you yet?

If you dial two nines they will get in touch to check you are ok. It may take a while but they will.

I know this because many years ago my then DStD rang two nines and they came and asked if everyone was ok, then if we had any children who might have done that.

It is a safeguard in case the abuser (and make no mistake about that being your H is) manages to stop you from making the call properly.

MammaTJ Fri 22-Mar-13 06:34:28

concacted contacted

Kat101 Fri 22-Mar-13 06:53:31

All power to you. Get him out now before he starts to break your spirit. Do you have rl support for when he comes home and finds his packed bag (don't be alone).

Also highly recommend the Citizens Advice , they will advise on practicalities, finances etc if you need them.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 06:56:56

Final warning you say?

Then you know what you have to do.

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 07:18:57

He is a total wanker going by the past history.

However, he has a point about shoving a urine soaked shirt in his face. That's kind of irrelevant though and you are absolutely right to follow through on your "final warning"

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 07:22:54

It's not an overreaction.

Just the two previous events were too many.

It doesn't matter if he is drunk. He should not punch you.

Or piss in your room, particularly if he could stand up. I'd have been livid.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 10:18:47

MammaTJ no contact from the police as yet. I didn't know they did that (a v. Gd thing imo).

Needless to say I didn't get any sleep last night & thanks to the snow, the DCs and I aren't going anywhere today so haven't had chance to get back to you all as been feeding & usual chores this morning!

H went to his client meeting as planned. I waited an hour then rang him to let him know I plan on reporting him for last night's punch. He practically begged me not to (funny that!) saying he wasn't aware of what he was doing as he'd had some strong painkillers combined with 2 pints and 2 glasses of wine on the works do. In other words, he's saying there's a world of difference between a deliberate punch, as in the January incident, and last night's, which was him lashing out because I'd woken him up with a wet shirt in his face.

I have a lump the size of an egg on my arm, which tells its own story I think. in his defence, he complained of a fairly bad knee injury earlier this week, hence the painkillers, but I'm not prepared to do a complete u-turn on this just yet, particularly as I had to wait a VERY LONG TIME for an apology.

I've already taken photos of the emerging bruise and stored them securely, should the need arise, and have made him aware that I've done so.

Kat yy lots of rl support. Fortunately I've built up a great network of friends since moving here and having the DCs, plus the neighbours are amazing.

Soup I really do take your point about the shirt, and I know I shouldn't have done it. It was the feeling of his total disrespect for our surroundings that did it. I mean, he pissed in the room our son sleeps in. If it was just me, it wouldn't have been so bad, but DS too? Nope, crossed a line.

delilahlilah Fri 22-Mar-13 10:30:06

Please don't defend his bad knee excuse. Taking pain killers is fine, but the clearly state on strong pain killers to avoid alcohol. He chose not to. As for not knowing what he was doing when you woke him, whole world of difference between pushing the shirt away and inadvertantly catching you in the process, which would not leave a swelling or a bruise, and punching you. He is clutching at straws, make sure he doesn't grab hold of any.

I know you did the shirt thing and that was uncalled for.

But you said he's hit you before.

What are you waiting for!?


SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 10:34:44

Oh, don't get me wrong, he definitely has no excuse whatsoever.

p.s don't give final warnings you don't mean or you'll be stuck in this situation and it will go round and round and get worse and worse.

part of you must know where this is going?

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 10:38:21

The alcohol/pain killer excuse only explains the urinating, not the violence. Which he's done sober.

Hindsight? I would personally have tackled the urinating in the morning when he was fully concious and sober and just moved into the spare room for the night. Which still does not excuse his violence in any way.

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 10:39:48

If you don't want to go the full "leave the bastard" route, as a minimum I would be insisting on anger management and some time apart until he has got his anger under control. An apology just doesn't cut it.

SilverSnake Fri 22-Mar-13 10:43:28

Lets face it from what you have posted he os physically adusive and you are verbally adusive and its a bad environment to raise children in.

The best thing you can do is split from this man. Its not a healthy, happy relationship you have.

Sunshinewithshowers Fri 22-Mar-13 10:43:30

January, so about 8 weeks ago?

You have a right to feel safe in your home, please do not let him back in.

When my ex used to go out, I would have to put a cabinet across the bedroom door, before I slept so he couldn't get to me. Despite asking him to stay at a friends If he had to drink.

I know the feelings it brings.

Take Care.

Follyfoot Fri 22-Mar-13 10:44:31

This wont get better. You do know that dont you? He will do it again. And then again

It will only get worse (I know this because I have been you)

Please dont wait for an apology, there isnt one good enough for what he has done to you. If you cant go for your own sake, please go for the sake of your baby son.

NatashaBee Fri 22-Mar-13 10:52:40

So are you getting his bag packed? Regardless of whether he has an 'excuse', I think he needs some time away from the home to think about what he's done - and more importantly you and your children need to be safe.

AbigailAdams Fri 22-Mar-13 10:53:24

Anger management won't help. DV is to do with power and control. He knew exactly what he did. And even if he didn't it doesn't matter because he has successfully ensured that you would probably not wake him at all at night for fear of being hit, or confront him when he is drunk. The fact he took ages to apologise and made excuses along the way definitely suggests he felt entitled to hit you.

If you had found out you had him in the night when you were drunk I imagine you would have been mortified and apologised immediately. He didn't.

And you have to ask the question as to why, with two young children, he felt it was OK to drink while taking painkillers?

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 10:56:19

This is the third time and you gave an ultimatum last time.

I hope, for your sake, that you are packing his bags.

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 11:07:49

The violent incidents described sound like lashing out in anger rather than control not that this makes it acceptable

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 11:11:26

"Lashing out in anger" is also about control.
I bet he can control his anger at work, or facing a stronger opponent.

raisah Fri 22-Mar-13 11:15:33

It would be wise to change the locks and have somebody with you when he comes home. I think you were chancing it by physically tackling your drunk p, he could have done a lot more damage. Someone that drunk has no sense of boundary or appropriate behaviour. You need to leave otherwise your kids will grow up with a skewed sense of acceptable behaviour.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 11:34:58

Soup ironically after the January incident, I suggested anger management/couples counselling. That was met with a "don't be ridiculous!"

I won't be leaving. He will. Bag is packed & waiting. I won't be changing the locks as I understand I might be on shaky ground legally. However, I do have a friend on standby in case anything occurs on his return.

To the poster who said this is not a healthy environment for children - you're spot on. I know deep down we can't go on like this. I know I probably sound really together at the moment but actually I'm only just holding it together in front of the DCs. This man was my absolute world and I'm having trouble thinking about him as 'an abuser', which is of course what he is.

Sorry, rambling now. Will update when I can. Thanks so much all of you for your support x

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 12:29:25

Lueji yes he can control his anger at work. He's really well-regarded, been consistently promoted over the years, earns really good money, etc.

I think he's got so used to just 'dumping' any work stress on me, particularly over this last year when things have been so tough at work, that he didn't know how to cope or vent when DS came along and I suddenly became 'Mummy' again rather than 'Wife', with DS as my absolute priority. Not that I accept that as an excuse for violence of course.

colditz Fri 22-Mar-13 12:31:03

It is so not an over reaction, it is the right thing to do. Violent little prick.

colditz Fri 22-Mar-13 12:33:33

You have packed his bags. Right? I mean, you're not going to start feeling sorry for him what he cries, are you? Because he will cry when he realises he's not getting his own way.

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 12:34:22

I won't be changing the locks as I understand I might be on shaky ground legally.

Yes, but he'd have to go to court to regain access.
In the meantime, you report him, get a solicitor and ask for a no access order (or whatever it's called). I think there are emergency measures that can be put in place.
WA can advise you better, as well as, obviously, the police and a solicitor.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 13:05:30

Colditz violent little prick just made me laugh. Thank you.

No I won't feel sorry for him when he cries. I should have made him leave in January but like a fool went for the 'easy option' in allowing him to win me round. Obviously the easy option involves me throwing him out and all the extra stuff that involves (solicitors and so on).

I can ensure he can't access the house without changing the locks for today - got enough to do without locksmiths as well, but it's on my list for this weekend.

His bag is packed but out of sight of DD, who at 3.5 is able to question things.

Let him cry if he wants. I have far too much self respect (and sense of self-preservation - for me AND the DCs) to let it move me. In fact, whining and crying is more likely to get a tougher response from me.

Glad to hear you sounding so strong here' grin

I'm sorry he turned out to be a disappointment but you've already got DCs, you don't need an adult sized one!

The fact he can control it at work would totally solidify my view that he's just a twunt of the highest order!!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 13:23:20

Maybe we can get a two for one offer on lock changing wink

So sorry to hear you sre going through this shit too

tightfortime Fri 22-Mar-13 13:24:58

Well done and best of luck. You're well rid.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 13:28:46

Sorry posted too soon.

Definitely not an over reaction on your part, I would phone the police and report the incident, as was pointed out to me, even if he is cautioned, that proof will enable you to apply for legal aid if needed.

Good luck ((((((((hugs))))) for you and dc's.

Xales Fri 22-Mar-13 13:31:09

There is no excuse for violence and if you are going to leave him due to that good for you.

There is no excuse for rubbing urine soaked clothes into someone's face. That is repulsive and aggressive.

You started the aggression last night.

If you are both acting in this manner you are definitely better off seperated.

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Mar-13 13:33:22

Stay strong.
My Ex always used being drunk as an excuse for his violence. During a 2 hour assault he managed to open the door to a concerned neighbour and reassure her that everything was just fine and the noise must be from somewhere else.
No excuses, no third chances - you deserve so much better than this.

Peka Fri 22-Mar-13 13:42:25

He PISSED IN YOUR BEDROOM!!?? I am amazed by the reactions on this thread... Is that normal behaviour? What is the world coming to? I'd have chucked him out and changed the locks just for that IMMEDIATELY! That is totally rank and disgusting why is no one commenting on that? It's so out of order I don't even know where to start I'd feel utterly degraded just sharing air space in a room with someone who did that and don't think your reaction was out of proportion at all tbh... what were you supposed to do, just lie quietly in bed next to him? And being drunk isn't an excuse it really isn't especially for a fully grown man, he's not a fucking student who has never tasted alcohol before... He's a father and husband. Jeez! I totally disagree with those who said you were being abusive to him anyone would lose their rag in that situation. It's the kind of thing that a mother would weep to imagine her tiny child would have to endure in their life...

McBalls Fri 22-Mar-13 14:00:57

'He PISSED IN YOUR BEDROOM!!?? I am amazed by the reactions on this thread...'
'That is totally rank and disgusting why is no one commenting on that? '

Probably because everyone is more concerned about Herecomesbod being punched. Nothing strange about that.

FarBetterNow Fri 22-Mar-13 14:13:43

After the January violence, he should have become tee total to considerably lessen the chances of himself becoming violent again.

He really didn't try very hard for very long.

Peka Fri 22-Mar-13 14:15:38

But some of these comments are suggesting the OP started the events that happened to her when clearly she was just in bed Breastfeeding her child and minding her own business... I was just pointing out that the violation started much before the punch ffs!

Gingerandcocoa Fri 22-Mar-13 14:23:28

Be strong, hope today will mark a new beginning for you and your DC.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 15:43:41

Peka exactly.

McBalls well quite.

Xales I think I stated somewhere upthread that it wouldn't have provoked such an extreme reaction in me had it just been me in the room. H's actions were akin to that of say, a sleepwalker. But just imagine, as I did last night, if he'd walked over to DS's Moses basket and emptied his bladder onto his sleeping son. Now can you see where I'm coming from? It's the lack of control, of any kind of regard for anyone else that really got me.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 15:52:00

Being have found your thread. So sorry you're going through this shit too. flowers

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 22-Mar-13 16:24:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 16:29:52

A pissed man who had just pissed in the bedroom?


Even so, he had been violent before and it was a nasty punch.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 16:54:53

KeepCool so it's ok for him to punch me then? Back you go to Apologists Anonymous there's a dear.

Haven't got the energy to repeat the phrase "As I think I stated upthread..."

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 22-Mar-13 16:59:41

No it is not okay for him to punch you.

But it is ALSO not okay for you to shove a piss soaked shirt in his face.

You both sound aggressive to me!

FayeKorgasm Fri 22-Mar-13 17:27:09

Well done Here and good luck.

NatashaBee Fri 22-Mar-13 17:54:59

Yes, OP probably shouldn't have shoved the shirt in his face. But I agree that he crossed a line when he pissed in his son's bedroom, and after the previous incidents he should have stopped drinking if he was genuinely remorseful.

I hope everything goes OK from here onwards, OP, and that you don't have any issues with him.

colditz Fri 22-Mar-13 18:10:02

The shirt was only piss soaked because he pissed on it.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 18:16:00

OP sounds completely rational about this, to me

I do hope you have come to the realisation that if you have come down to the level of provoking each other then it is Game Over.

It was his piss-soaked shirt! But even if the OP had pissed on a shirt and then shoved it in his face it still wouldn't justify physically assaulting her!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 22-Mar-13 18:33:52

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

You really need to get this man out. There's no excuse for violence. No justification whatsoever. It seems to be becoming a habit for him. You need to end it before you become desensitized to it. I say that because that's what happened to my mum. She'd joke "oh, it was only a black eye this time. At least i'm not on crutches this time" "looks like I'll be wearing my hair up for a few weeks to hide this patch of missing hair" etc. It was only when he attacked me when I was 13 that she realised how bad a situation we were all in and finally threw him out. The beatings happened mostly when my dad had had a drink. It seemed if he couldn't remember doing it then it didn't happen sad

Incidently 112 is the European equivalent of 999. The number you need to call is 101 to log what has already happened. I'm a 999/112 operator and depressingly it appears the amount of calls relating to DV are rising.

Good luck Op smile

tightfortime Fri 22-Mar-13 23:15:17

So I'm sitting in bed feeding my child and my pissed OH, who hasn't the cop on to sleep in spare room when mortal, pisses everywhere. After he has already assaulted me. I, in the old EA passive days, would have taken baby to spare room and seethed, sleepless while he snored in his piss. And had the same row the next day only with a hungover twunt.

Dead right you shoved the shirt. Straw, camel, back. And I'm usually pro-pacification. Didn't get me anywhere.

Dead right, IMHO

It's not anger management, or goading. It's just bloody p'd off and at end of tether.

Hang in there x

MammaTJ Fri 22-Mar-13 23:18:07

Ripley, I am surprised the OP has not heard from the police. Am I now wrong in what I said earlier about them going to two 9s calls?

They certainly used to!

Follyfoot Sat 23-Mar-13 10:11:48

I dont think they would do anything with a 99 call - after all, it hasnt actually connected to anywhere so they wouldnt know.

My DD - then a toddler - rang 999 one day by accident and without my knowledge. The police did turn up, bless them.

SpecialAgentDaenerysTargaryen Sat 23-Mar-13 10:29:59

DV apologists always leave me in two frames of mind:

A.) They are projecting their own abusive tendencies/the fact they're in an abusive relationship
B.) Extreme distress that people are that heartless.

IamthegreatProcrastinator Sat 23-Mar-13 10:37:24

OP you sound like a very strong woman. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to do what you're doing. Good for you!!

TheProvincialLady Sat 23-Mar-13 10:46:35

PLEASE contact the police now, rather than keeping evidence etc. What is holding you back? Of course the tosser doesn't want you to, but what is holding YOU back? He assaulted you, it's illegal, it's immoral, it's dangerous. Your relationship is over and you don't need to protect him, his precious reputation or his career etc etc. What you need is help and support and the police will be able to help you with that, if you let them. You might well find that he doesn't react well to finding his bags the police and get their support. Please.

differentnameforthis Sat 23-Mar-13 11:46:09

He'd left his shirt on the floor so I used that to soak up the wee

not that is makes a difference, but he didn't piss on his shirt...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now