Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Twunt scored a full house and won himself a ride in a police car

(174 Posts)
BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 21-Mar-13 22:34:03

I have name changed, not ready to deal with rl yet.

After shits loads of ea, sulking, rages, controlling behaviour, blaming the whole world for his actions etc, etc, etc, tonight poor hard done by twunt was bathing dd (I had engineered this as I am sick of him being a useless twat), he started shouting at her, I went up to see to her and he kicked off.

Screaming at me to fuck off, pushing me about, all in a tiny bathroom being witnessed by hysterical dd, he wouldn't let me go to dd to calm her down, just carried on screaming and pushing me out of bathroom and towards the top of the stairs, I really thought he was going to shove me down the stairs.

I managed to get back in the bathroom, he ripped stairgate down i guess to make it easier to get me down the stairs, he came back in shoving and screaming, so I said fine let me go and I will fuck off, he let go I tried to get out of the bathroom but where he was blocking me from gettingnto the bath, when I opened the bathroom door it hit his head.

He went apeshit, tried to push me down the stairs again, I managed to get past him and downstairs to phone police. 3 lovely officers were here in no time and have taken him in for questioning.

They said that from what he has said in custody they will probably let him go with a caution, and will come back when he returns for his van to prevent a breach of the peace.

I don't have anyone left in rl close enough to turn to, as being a by the book style twunt he has made sure I have been distanced from friends.

Dd is only 3, but all she kept asking was "is daddy going away in the police car, I'll miss daddy" what do you say to that? sad

I have no idea what to say - how awful for you and DD. I'm holding your hand.

Tortington Thu 21-Mar-13 22:38:22

its better than daddy twatting mummy

were all here if you need support, get in contact with friends and family, go to visit them, write birthdays down on a calander and in 6 months time, you'll be sick of answering text messages.

there might be a mumsnet meet up near you - and if there isn't - create one

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 22:43:53

Tell her that even grown ups aren't allowed to hurt other people and that if they do, or even if they scare them the police can come and explain they are not allowed to do that.

Then tell her if she is ever scared or worried by something she should always tell someone and get help, just like Mummy did.

you will be teaching her a great lesson for the future...you don't put up and shut up, you get help and you deal with it.

So sorry for you OP, but at least you did n't wait until DD was in double figures and had a masters in minimising and coping (like I did) before you taught her she's allowed to stand up for herself.

you will feel better, and you have done the right thing.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 21-Mar-13 22:44:27

Thanks all hand holding very welcome.

Police just phoned back, he has admitted everything and will be accepting a caution, police will bring him back for the van in about half an hour, he wants a couple of things from the house, but the police will come to the door, not him.

I have no idea what to tell dd in the morning.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 21-Mar-13 22:47:04

X post

Thanks fool wise words. So sorry that you and your dc's have been here too.

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 22:49:29

don't worry about your friends and family - i should imagine they have all been waiting for you to kick him to the kerb and will be pleased to have you back.

no advice as to what to tell your dd but add in lots of cuddles!!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 21-Mar-13 23:11:30

Police have been for his stuff, just heard him drive away like a loon.

Don't know what's going to happen when he wants to collect the rest of his stuff.

Going to be a busy day tomorrow, changing all my details to single mum.

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 23:15:12

sad

at least you are safe.

not everything has to be done at once.

Hope you sleep, if not go and look at DD and remind yourself how much love you have for her.

Together you will get through.

and (((((((hug)))))))) even though it is mumsnet.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 21-Mar-13 23:23:22

Thanks Fool thanks

I have an incredibly loving and bright dd and I'm not going to allow her to be messed up.

Not sure if I will sleep, but you're right I'm safe and now he has accepted a caution, I don't think even he would be thick enough to try anything else.

Thanks for the hugs and hand holding.

I can do this.

betterthanever Thu 21-Mar-13 23:29:12

Everyone has already given good advice and fool is never foolish with her words.
I am so sorry to hear what has happened but so pleased you have done what you have. I wish I had called the police. You have it on record now. The words to tell your DD that fool has suggested are wonderful (I may need those myself).
Take care and please get RL help as soon as you can. I didn't tell people as I was embarased - my RL friends were brilliant. Take care x

izzyizin Thu 21-Mar-13 23:52:04

Are you married to the twunt?

In any event, in accepting a caution he's ensured that you will be one of the few entitled to legal aid in divorce/family matters after the end of this month - it's not much consolation but you may be able to raise a smile at the thought of him having to pay solicitors' fees if he makes any application for a contact order or similar in respect of dd.

As your dd was present when he kicked off, the police are statutorily obliged to send a report of the incident to your local SS children's services department and you may get a letter or visit from them in due course. Don't be alarmed; it's standard procedure and once you've assured them he's no longer resident at your address, they'll close the case.

This board is a brilliant source of wisdom/handholding/advice but there's nothing quite like rl support. Locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here: www.womensaid.org.uk and give them a call tomorrow to speak to other women who will understand what you're going through and provide practical advice you re benefits, child support, sourcing a rottweiler solicitor etc.

tightfortime Thu 21-Mar-13 23:59:44

Enough is enough. Well bloody done you for calling the police and protecting BOTH you and DC.

Tomorrow is another day, one step at a time.

She's only three, so was mine when daddy 'got sick.' (Police called to suicide threat) she still talks about it. 'Why were you crying mummy when you told daddy not to do this to the kids on the phone? What as he gong to do to me mummy?' I maintain that daddy was sick, have done all along. Am glad I did as time has moved on and she is close to him.

They don't forget and will work it out but for now, I'd go with daddy wasn't well and what he did was wrong but we all still love you and it will be fine...

I echo the others about RL help and stick around, we're here xx

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 00:02:46

Thanks Izzy,

I did wonder what the next step would be regarding dd, police took gp's and childminders details.

Interesting to know about legal aid, however I recently came into some money (nearly £20k ) which i think is part of twunts problem, I am no longer financially dependant on him, so I don't know if I would qualify. You're right it would raise a smile, I have just finished his books, we were looking to buy a house, so I had enhanced his income quite dramatically grin

Thanks for your advice thanks

BertieBotts Fri 22-Mar-13 00:07:55

Reassure DD that she can still see her dad even though he's gone in the police car, just not straight away - you don't want her worrying and thinking he's gone away and she'll never see him again.

Now for you - can you get someone to be with you tomorrow when he gets his stuff? If no friends/family available the police should be able to.

I definitely agree to get the support of WA because although you feel strong now (and it's FANTASTIC - you've handled it exactly the right way) he will start playing mind games over the next few days/weeks and try absolutely everything under the sun to convince you that it will never happen again - he might even believe this himself but please do not be taken in by these assurances, especially as your emotions will probably be skyrocketing all over the place and you won't know whether black is white - this is normal, be prepared for it and try not to worry about it, just stick to the golden rule of keeping distance/space between you for long enough that you can work things out with a clear head. But WA or other specialised support services (and MN smile) will help.

EvenBetter Fri 22-Mar-13 00:39:42

Well done OP!
I'm cheering on behalf of womankind that the abusive loser got removed by the police. I'm sure he was shitting himself.
Continue to defend yourself and your baby, you'll both be fine and free :D

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 00:42:22

Grrrrr just remembered that I had put some washing on before he kicked off, just went to put it in the drier but he's fucked off with the key, tumbler is in the outhouse along with all his work stuff.

Tight I don't know what to say ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you and your dd for what you have been through.

Bertie I will stay strong, I give everyone a second chance (more than that if I am honest) but as soon as those chances have run out the ice queen kicks in. There is nothing he could say or do to make me want to be in the same county as him, let alone back with him.

He will believe his own fuckwittery, he loves to play the victim. He will tell all and sundry he only took the caution to protect his business or make it easier for dd etc. He will be adamant he did nothing even though he has admitted it to the police. It will all be down to me I will have done something, not done something, said something, not said something, delete as appropriate confused

jynier Fri 22-Mar-13 00:58:46

So sorry, OP, for your dreadful experience; sending best wishes and congratulations for calling the police! Well done!

izzyizin Fri 22-Mar-13 01:43:33

A victim showing any spark of independence is akin to the proverbial red rag for an abusive twunt.

As you've got an abundance of sparks which will have been eating away at him, it's unsurprising he kicked off but, as is always the case with stoopid twunts of his ilk, he's shot himself in the foot as he wont get to share in any of them.

Let him re-write history and/or make out he's some kind of Sydney Carton; those that know him will know the truth and those that don't, won't give a fuck grin

Get a locksmith round tomorrow to change the lock on your outhouse, and talk to your local police authority's Domestic Violence Unit to get your entry door locks changed for free and to discuss any additional home security items, such as window locks, personal alarm, etc you may need ... you should be contacted by a worker from this unit but, if not, Women's Aid can advocate for you.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 09:54:25

Have spoken to the letting agent this morning, they are trying to contact landlord for permission to change the locks.

He has to write to letting agent asking to be taken off the tenancy and for the rent to now be taken from my account, not sure where I stand if he doesn't. I don't want to make too much fuss where Ll is concerned as we are on a two month notice agreement.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 13:08:09

Still no word back from Ll so I can't see me being able to get locks changed todsy.

Have spoken to womens aid, they have put me in touch with another local organistion who can help with legal advice as well as rehousing. Also waiting to hear back from local council.

Twunt has not attempted any contact so I have absolutely no idea whether he is expecting to 'come home' as normal after work.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 17:55:34

Heard twunt come back ad get some of his tools from outhouse. He put a note through th door saying 'I need work stuff pants, socks, tops'.

I have bagged up all of his clothes, toiletries, phone charger and left them in the outhouse, I assume he will get them on his way to work tomorrow.

Dd just asked when daddy was coming home, I told her I didn't know, she then said 'I miss my daddy, do you miss daddy mummy?'

confused haven't answered cos I don't want to lie to her, but telling her the truth seems a bit cruel.

foolonthehill Fri 22-Mar-13 21:20:37

well done you.
A bit of fudging is necessary sometimes!

foolonthehill Fri 22-Mar-13 21:28:02

How are you feeling?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 21:39:25

I'm doing ok thanks fool

A bit confused/pissed off, he came back again earlier picked up his clothes, but made no attempt to come in and see dd. A massive part of me is glad, don't really want to see him or speak to him, but I realise that's a bit selfish where dd is concerned, although when she was on about him earlier she did say "but you will bath me mummy, not daddy" so although she says she wants to see him, she is obviously bothered by what has happened.

Told my best friend earlier, she was shocked but brilliant, going to catch up on her next day off, but she made it clear she's available any time if I need her.

foolonthehill Fri 22-Mar-13 21:55:23

It'd good to keep it real...glad you have support.

Yes, tricky for DD but you can say that you don't know at the moment and Mummy and Daddy haven't had time to sort anything out. Tell her daddy and Mummy both love her. Don't be scared or avoid talking about what happened with her. She will want to on one level or another sometime..and she needs to know that nothing is a secret (important for future).

you are doing so well.

Look after yourself

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 22:28:57

thanks Fool

I know I need to start telling more people in rl but not looking forward to it.

Narc mother thinks he is golden balls and, like him, will make it out to be all my fault.

My closest family is my brilliant Aunt, both her and my uncle treat twunt like the son they never had, but I know I can count on their full support. I just feel like such a shit, they were so massively involved in our wedding 2 years ago, unc is late 70s with a dicky ticker, I'm really unsure whether to say anything.

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 22:40:41

Narc mother is the reason you were with this twat in the first place.

Contact those that will support you, stay well away from those that won't.

it's OK to lean on others.

We are all here for you love. You really are doing the very best thing.

tightfortime Fri 22-Mar-13 23:21:01

Am so glad you have RL support. You are doing brilliantly.

With DC, just be vague and change the subject, easily distracted at that age.

Machli Fri 22-Mar-13 23:41:12

With a caution there's every chance you can get him out and off the tenancy. I managed to get my This Is My Home And I Am Not Going Anywhere abusive ex out like this.

Sorry this has happened to you and that your dd saw it sad.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 23:47:17

Wobble #1 fast approaching BOTH batteries for e cig have died, not as in need recharging, totally and utterly fucked shock angry sad I don't know whether to laugh, cry or fart !!

DixieD Sat 23-Mar-13 01:09:52

I don't know what an e cig is. But I hope you're ok. Don't wobble. Cannel your inner ice queen. He doesn't deserve you. Being with him means only unhappiness.

I don't have much practical advice but had to post to say you are bloody brilliant, OP. Well done you for calling the police on the twunt, well done you for being so strong and admirable. Your and your DD deserve this bra life, free from abuse and fear. You bloody rock, Being, bloody well done!

.'this new life' stupid phone!

No idea what a 'bra life' would look like. confused Bit chilly, I'd imagine.grin

GingerBlondecat Sat 23-Mar-13 08:45:14

All I've got is (((((((((((((((((((((soft Hugs)))))))))))))))) and (((((((((((((((Holds You ))))))))))))))))) <3

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 09:15:32

There will be more wobbles, some hefty episodes where tears are shed and memories re-lived/re-written but you will get through and you will manage though life will change.

take care of you Op

LadyFlumpalot Sat 23-Mar-13 09:24:31

I really don't mean this to sound trite, but if you are in the Dorset/Wiltshire area at all and want someone to talk to/help you make new friends etc, drop me a PM.

I am full of admiration for you OP. I really am. Keep on keeping on.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 10:27:24

Blackcurrants a bra life could be good, plenty of support when I'm being a tit grin

Ginger Thanks much appreciated, you just made a chip of ice near my eye melt.

Fool thanks

Flump Thankyou will pm you shortly.

Trazzletoes Sat 23-Mar-13 11:10:26

Hi, I just wanted to say well done! You don't know me, but I am immensely proud of you.

Being See -THAT is why you're bloody brilliant - you see the funny side at a tricky time!
And hey, everyone always says MN is very supportive. Now whenever someone does, I will be thinking of a great big, well-fitted Bra! :D

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 15:59:25

[Grin] Blackcurrants

Well timed that badly, went to the supermarket after lunch, got back to find twunt sorting more of his tools, he's not actually taking them all like I thought, just what he needs for that day.

I had gone out through the side door, so thst I could leave the front door bolted, there is only one key to the side door, which I have. Unfortunately the side door is bang opposite the outhouse door.

Dd was all excited when she saw the van, she ran on down the path in front of me calling out to twunt and nothing.......
He didn't answer her, no hug, nothing at all.

I went straight in with the shopping and dd followed me in, normally she would stay out there helping daddy.

She doesn't seem bothered, hasn't mentioned it she's sat watching cbeebies whilst I fume on her behalf.

He has been back for stuff 4 times including stupid o'clock this morning, and blanked her each time. Am I being really naive in thinking I might just get the clean break I want, that he will just disappear in to the wide blue yonder?

I think he's giving you the cold shoulder in the hopes that it makes you crumble and go running to him, and then when you don't, (because you are brilliant) he will find another way to get at you - then either the sweet talking or the demands to his 'his' daughter.
I wish that clean break for you - so so much - but I am not quite that sunny-eyed optimist, alas!
So let's hope for it, but get legal and other wheels in motion expecting that it won't happen.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 16:52:31

I just don't get how he can cut her off.

Maybe he feels guilty for what he said and did in front of her, but as with all twunts he never apologises because nothing is ever his fault and even he would be hard pushed to find a way to blame dd.

The police just phoned as they had taken my dob down incorrectly and apparently will be back in touch soon, didn't think to ask why, I would have thought that once he accepted the caution it was all done and dusted as far as they were concerned??? confused

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:07:34

He is blanking your DD to hurt you - can you stop him for returning for more of his stuff burn it Arrange for him to come and fetch everything (he has a van so no excuse) Have someone there with you and DD elsewhere. He is a vile waste of oxygen and your DD is better off without him, as are you.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 17:23:24

No, it's not done and dusted as far as the police are concerned.

As said previously, they'll send a report to SS and should be allocating a dv worker to your case to assess whether you remain at risk from him.

Given his behaviour towards dd and his self-entitled comings and goings on your property when one trip could have done the job, you are at risk from him as it's only a matter of time before he'll work himself up into a rage at what he perceives to be the unfair way he's been treated - and he'll lash out at you.

What he's doing is testing the boundaries, seeing how far he can go/what he can get away with, before you feel compelled to tell him to stop disturbing your peaceful enjoyment of your own home - at which time he'll kick off.

It's a war of attrition on his part and nothing of short of harassment. When the police get back to you, make sure to tell them what he's been up to.

wordyBird Sat 23-Mar-13 17:25:48

Being, he only cares about himself. He doesn't care about your DD, otherwise he would not have frightened her by attacking you, and he wouldn't be blanking her now.

He's much more likely to be blaming you than feeling any form of guilt.

Repeatedly returning to collect things is his attempt to reclaim territory and control. Can you ask for advice from the police DV unit? You need a strategy to tackle this, otherwise he will come and go at will just to intimidate you and violate your boundaries.

He won't allow a clean break if he can help it - men like him never do.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 18:12:58

He cant get into the house I have all the bolts on. I assumed he was taking all his kit with him but he hasn't, in fairness he would have to arrange a storage unit, it's at least a garage worth of tools, only a small van so it wouldn't fit in one go.

Izzy sorry I did read what you said at the time, obviously not retaining much info at the mo blush thanks for that.

Wa put me in touch with a local organisation that will help with legal and housing stuff, they should be ringing on monday.

Stupidly when he needed a solicitor a few years ago (for his divorce blush) I put him on to mine, so I now need to get a new one

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 18:23:53

When I split with Dd1 dad we went our separate ways twice he tried a half arsed attempt at visitation for her, but when I phoned his solicitor she was in the process of dropping him cos he was such an arse, and even offered to help me (unofficially) if he tried any further attempt at contact. That was almost 12 years ago, we split 18 years ago. Have had no contact with him since.

Now for the jeremy kyle bit, you can guess who twunt is currently staying with can't you blush I'm hoping for the first time ever that some of his attitude will rub off on twunt.

You'd might not need to get another solicitor for the divorce, the key thing is to be the first to consult in this matter,,I think. Worth checking inn the legal section, or just going in for a free half hour consult and outright asking.

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:38

he will do what is necessary to look after himself and maintain his own rosey eyed view of himself.

Pray that he disappears but assume that he is going to start a war of attrition with charm, threats, and anything else he has (or thinks he has) to use on you.

make sure you are 3 or 4 steps ahead of him and get a non mol. order and occupation order in place ASAP.

am impressed by the ability to go shopping and the organized way you managed the doors!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 21:43:35

Any idea of the savings limit regarding an application for legal aid, just thinking I might get access to a solicitor quicker if I paid for it.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 21:55:26

Had to go shopping, gave up smoking 5 weeks ago using e cigs, both batteries died last night, perfect timing eh? Also Dd needed a Thomas ride grin

Have been getting loads of notification messages on tablet, looks like twunt has changed email and facebook passwords, something to hide there twunt? hmm

Bottled telling Dd1 and the Aunt today. Dd was working a mammoth shift plus loads of uni coursework, felt she didn't need any more poo today. Will text the Aunt tomorrow, I know she'll want us to go and stay but I worry Dd2 will be a bit too much for them, even though they are like the grandparents she deserves but sadly never got sad

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 22:03:37

Monthly income £2660 ish and savings £8,000

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 22:05:02

Take any and all help when offered, allow others to set their own limits and look at what will help you and DD.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 22:10:35

Thanks Fool

At least for the time being money isn't an issue. Plus I don't think he would be able to get his hands on any.

It was a ppi settlement, all of the loans taken out before we were together, the last one paid off after we got together.

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 22:11:34

good

mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 05:13:20

Pay attention to Izzy's post re boundaries, why he is blanking DD, and what he is doing right now with his endless trips for his tools.

He is also trying to get you to the point where you try to make contact and beg him to come back and be nice to you. If you let him back he really will push you down the stairs, but I think you know that.

He needs to get himself a storage locker somewhere.

You may yet need a protection order.

Chubfuddler Sun 24-Mar-13 05:31:51

When my STBX did similar the police offered me assistance to get I think they called it a domestic protection order, basically a non molestation order with occupancy of the family home attached. We rented too and it would have compelled our landlord to transfer the tenancy to me, no consent needed from him. I didn't pursue it because I didn't want to stay in the house, I got my own place.

Your dv liaison should be able to advise. I second the advice not to worry about SS, I actually found them very supportive and when I said there was no way he was coming back they closed their file.

Isityouorme Sun 24-Mar-13 08:25:32

Are you keeping a diary of When he comes and what interaction he has with dd? It may be usual in future. Say strong, well done.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 09:14:03

Thanks all

I don't doubt that if it's never going to bloody happen he came back, the others nights shenanigans would be just a mild taste of what was to come.

Checked out a couple of solicitors on line last night, so have a couple of options for tomorrow morning, have got to admit the thought of contacting the same very good one I used when I split from Dd1 dad, does make me feel a bit of a loser sad

Will also be talking to the wa referral, will obviouly see about getting the orders mentioned above, is it a big problem that I don't know where exactly he is staying, other than the county? I also need to see what help they can offer re permanent housing.

I will try the council again, they weren't much help on friday, but the non mol and occupancy order might make a difference, I don't want to stay here and to be honest I don't think that is an option long term as the Ll is looking to sell.

You're not a loser, sweet pea, s lost wouldn't have called the police and thrown him out. A loser wouldn't be planning a bold new life unencumbered by twunt. Look at you! You're a winner and you don't even know it ! smile

Add counseling for you to the 'to do' list. A friend has found the freedom program brilliant in helping her understand how controlling abusive twunt men behave, and start to work on her self esteem and boundaries. X

flippinada Sun 24-Mar-13 11:37:23

Good for you OP. What a great role model you are for your DD.

I agree with advice to keep a diary. Ignoring your child - that's really low.

Also, the comings and goings are him being manipulative, no doubt. People like this don't give up easily.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 12:58:10

Took the plunge and told my Aunt, she was gobsmacked but brilliant, trouble is the ice queen is now melting into big snotty puddles. Dd was concerned and asked why my eyes had tears, I told her I was sad because daddy wasn't here, didn't think it right to tell her I'm pissed off because her father is such a fuckwit, she replied"I miss daddy too, but he just doesn't like you anymore mummy".
No flies on her grin

flippinada Sun 24-Mar-13 13:37:41

Children know more than we give them credit for I think!

Well done. You did the right thing in calling the police and you are doing all the right things now. It will be OK, there is lots of support and help out there and your DD will be OK too. With small DC it's a matter of emphasising that what happened was not the child's fault, that you love the child, and that Daddy isn't very well; some people are not very good at being parents or behaving themselves, and so we have to be careful around them and not see too much of them. (What you want to avoid is DC fretting about the fact that they have half the 'bad' parent's genes and might be bad themselves, which is why it's better to imply that the bad parent is unwell rather than horrible, for young DC).

Machli Sun 24-Mar-13 13:50:58

After ex left was finally forced out after years of abuse my five year old ds icily told people "Daddy was very RUDE to Mummy so he doesn't live here any more."

They pick up on everything.

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 13:59:47

Out of the mouth of babes... Even at her tender age, your dd is fully aware that he has no love or respect for you and it's now incumbent on you to ensure she doesn't come to believe this is what she should expect from her future relationships with the opposite sex.

"I miss daddy too, but he just doesn't like you anymore mummy" Love it! what a clever little girl she is!

Mind you, she saw his behaviour towards you for herself, which means actually it won't be difficult to answer her questions., i.e. "it is wrong to behave like that and people aren't allowed to do it, so that is why the police had to take him away, and that is why he isn't allowed to live with us any more" etc.

You are doing a fine, fine job, op, and if the ice melts from time to time, then that is only normal. Wishing you strength and luck xx

foolonthehill Sun 24-Mar-13 14:29:17

honesty...always the best policy. Your DD will be all the reason you need to make this work.

Hope your older one has been ok and that you can find time and space to tell Her what has happened. Don't leave it too long

Hissy Sun 24-Mar-13 14:45:03

"I miss daddy too, but he just doesn't like you anymore mummy"

It's a step for her to think this, but tbh, the 'doesn't like you anymore' is what bothers me.

It's vitally important to make sure that DC learn that certain behaviour is unacceptable, and that we have a right to live without fear or being insulted.

I worry that the 'doesn't like you anymore' could be a mechanism to apportion blame on you, when really you are the undoubted heroine in this piece, you have saved yourself and her from an abusive situation and will go a long way to helping ensure that she won't repeat this terrible experience in her own relationships.

The truth (age appropriate) is always best.

I was always clear with DS when his dad left. He used to say that Daddy left because he shouted at Mummy.

Well done on being so strong, you will get through this!

mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 15:26:36

I agree with what SolidGoldBrass said wrt what to say to your DD.

It's also important for her to understand that none of this was her fault even though she was right there and he was bathing her when it all kicked off. Emphasise that this is something between the two of you and that his behaviour was the reason for his departure and involvement of police.

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 16:07:01

It seems to me that your little dd has a very clear view of the dynamic between her dps and I see no reason to obscure her vision with tales of daddy being 'unwell', especially as this may cause her to conclude that it's in some way acceptable to shout/push people around at times when she may be feeling unwell due to a typical childhood illness or the like.

I suggest you tell her she's right - it seems that daddy doesn't like you and that's ok smile because everyone has the right to like or not like someone else, but it's not ok when someone who doesn't like another person chooses to shout at them and/or push/shove/hit them.

Although I have no doubt she's already aware of what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, this is an opportunity for you to teach her that no-one should put up with being treated badly just because someone doesn't like them, and it's also very unkind to treat someone badly just because you don't like them.

As above, reassure her that none of this her fault and tell her that although daddy might not like you, you know he loves her and he always will even though the ignorant twunt showed such a callous disregard for her feelings yesterday

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 16:41:18

I think the "daddy doesn't like YOU" is possibly because I've told her we both still love HER, therefore 3 year old logic states well if he stil loves me it must be you he doesn't like. Grrrr I know whst I'm trying to say, struggling to find the right words, but I think I've got it across to her that it's not her fault, she's still very much loved.

Decided to bite the bullet and phone the bitch that gave birth to me, I told her he was gone , she replied she already knew, I asked her since when, she said uh yesterday I think, which means since at least friday, so I thanked her for hsr obvious and immediate concern for Dd and me and put the phone down.

Dd1 is uncharacteristically difficult tonget hold off today, he really has excelled himself with the fuckwittery this time angry

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 17:20:06

Feel a right shit for doubting Dd1, her wonderful boyfriend had tahen out for lunch and the cinema after church, so her phone was on silent.

Not doing so well today just can't stop crying.

Oh being it isn't a surprise that you are feeling fragile and tearful. This is a huge change in your life and it has happened so quickly. Do you have any other RL support?
We are always here to mop you up or cheer you up smile

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 17:52:40

Don't lose sight of the fact that you've had a shock and tears are only to be expected. Welcome them, have a good wallow, and cry yourself out.

But don't shed any tears for him. He's showed his true colours; the way he blanked dd yesterday reveals him to be nothing short of despicable and not worth one drop of moisture falling from your eyes.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 19:46:15

I text my bessie and she came straight round. Dd doesn't want to believe it, mother had got in there first saying well his wasn't charged, so he can't have done anything wtf!!!!!!!

Had a good cry on her shoulder, feeling a bit better, but not great, off to get dd ready for bed, running way behind tonight, I wonder why hmm

flippinada Sun 24-Mar-13 20:40:46

Be kind to yourself, you've had a horrible shock and you're bound to be up and down for a while.

Glad you've got your bf, a supportive friend is worth their weight in gold.

foolonthehill Sun 24-Mar-13 21:24:55

The ups and the downs...it's like bereavement except he's still there to cause trouble.

the downs will get less, but don;t try to bypass the tears, they are part of healing.

take care being.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 21:49:45

Had a good chat with my Aunt, so between her and my bf I am reassured that not everyone in rl thinks I am a lying piece of shit.

I fully expected mother to side with him, she would side with a complete stranger over me, I am gutted by Dd1 response, I would never ask her to take sides and would have no issue with them maintaining a relationship, but unfortunately she has witnessed so many arguments between mother and me she wants to be left out of it.

Him going I can handle that, but losing Dd1, that I was not prepared for sad

foolonthehill Sun 24-Mar-13 22:01:04

You haven't lost her, she is older and will have to come to terms with it in her own way and time.

have you seen the book "Living With The Dominator"? It might be somewhere to start if she is a reader. Or more subtly "Picture Perfect" by Jodi Picoult.

In the end it may be DD2 who tells her the stuff that matters.

have faith and patience. She is still your daughter, she still loves you but she is confused. Keep on holding out hands of love and acceptance to her.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 22:20:12

Dd1 is a reader, through her teens I think she 'ate' every Jodi Picoult / Tori Hayden book going, she has just text to say her and her boyfriend want to come over on friday with dd2 easter present.

I will take a look at those books and then maybe suggest she does too.

thanks Fool - it seems so wrong to keep calling some one so wise, "fool" blush

mathanxiety Mon 25-Mar-13 05:48:45

Don't panic about DD1. Have faith that she will see your side and remember that people like your mother tend to bamboozle people very successfully until they play their hand too far at which point it all falls apart -- and try not to lean on DD1 too much for support as she has evidently decided to opt for self preservation when faced with a barrage from your mother. She just doesn't want to get sucked in and this says more about her feelings about your mother than about you.

You will feel very shaky as the adrenaline from the attack wears off. Remember you were fearing being thrown down a flight of stairs only a short time ago and there is s physical response to that that can't be stopped in its tracks. Try to get out for even a short blast of fresh air daily, try to eat and drink regularly, and try to breathe consciously, relax your whole body from top to toes when you sit down.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 11:18:19

Feeling brighter this morning, actually managed about 4 hours sleep.

Still waiting on calls from survivor and solicitor.

Twunt just text asking (civilly for now) for some specific bits he needs from the house. I replied politely, am not going to be made out to be the unreasonable one in all this.

Had a conversation with mother, I had to know his version of events, apparently he just put his hands up and gave me a little nudge to get past me in the bathroom. Really shock

Have also spoken to Dd1 and we are back on track, she assumed what her grandmother had told her was the truth and her reaction was based on that.

Glad you and DD1 are back on track, bet that's made you feel much better smile

mathanxiety Mon 25-Mar-13 12:52:34

Please don't worry about being unreasonable. He is stepping way over the line with the drip drip of return trips for his odds and ends.

Tell him he will need to pick up all his stuff by X date or it will be collected for scrap/charity donation. That is not unreasonable -- he is the one who wanted to push you down the stairs after all, and the police took it seriously enough to caution him. Since then he has cruelly ignored his own little child.

Glad you and DD1 are back. Please take care of yourself and really I would limit contact with your mother if I were you.

foolonthehill Mon 25-Mar-13 13:28:33

Sad to see he is keeping to the twunt script of now minimising what happened.
this time you won't be sucked in though.

Glad DD1 has been in touch

keep on keeping on!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 15:37:54

Still waiting for calls back from survivor, 3 bloody solicitors and council.

Dd is fast asleep otherwise I would be staging sit ins at their offices.
I have phoned back a number of times and been told yes there is a note here to call you urgently.

Don't have childcare until wednesday, certainly not going to leave Dd with mother.

Have a Ll inspection tomorrow afternoon, just don't want to put these things off.

And breathe grin

Keep breathing Being, you're doing everything right. Well done getting a bit of kip - are you managing to eat? I'm sorry to hear your Mother's so toxic, don't worry about DD1, sounds like she's a smart lass with her head screwed on right.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 21:17:51

Grrr typed a mammoth post and then lost it.

Shorter version one solicitor phoned back no appointments till the middle of next week.

Still no reply from survivor or council.

I'm going to have to contact twunt regarding the house, can't go through solicitors as I still don't have one plus I don't know the address of where he's staying.

I did wonder whether I could blag it at tenancy inspection tomorrow, make out he has a problem with his account, so will they transfer direct debit to mine?

I know it should be in writing, but thought if I play on the double bank holiday delays etc, they might allow it?

Trying to get the house straight tonight, will then have to go out all morning so Dd doesn't trash it all before they get here grin

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 21:33:43

DON'T contact the twunt.

See if you can blag it tomorrow and come back if you can't - but leave him out of it.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 21:39:06

So you reckon it's worth the blag then?

Best work on my poker face tonight then grin

I really don't want to contact him, when I get a solicitor, will they ring him to get an address, or maybe email?

foolonthehill Mon 25-Mar-13 22:30:27

Definitely don't contact him. You will most likely be able to stall them for a while....after all they have no reason to doubt your ability to pay or your desirability as tenant.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 22:43:21

I'm just worried if he cancels direct debit it leaves me on the back foot with them.

I'm practising a little script for tomorrow grin

foolonthehill Mon 25-Mar-13 22:47:27

Can you say that you have experienced some concern re your banking and ask them to phone you if it does not come through so you can make payment in person? Thus if he pays up...all well and good, if not you have a contingency and the LL will not be unduly concerned.

My guess would be that he is still planning to come back, just letting the dust settle and he won;t have done anything about the DD yet.

Try not to worry about everything all at once.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 22:55:54

It may be wishfull thinking, but I honestly don't think he is planning on coming back.

His pride will be too wounded that I acted so unreasonably as to call the police on him and say such horrid things, it gives him even more reason to carry on playing the victim.

He's not the brightest spark, so I may be crediting him with too much intelligence to plan cancelling payment etc, however if he is still staying with fuckwit, he is a devious little shit.

foolonthehill Mon 25-Mar-13 23:01:00

But surely he is too busy telling everyone how mad you were to get him arrested to deal with the bank?

Hope it all goes well tomorrow

Let's hope he goes and lives somewhere else soon!

(PS my own NSDH lived with his brother...also an abusive twat, they were hard to deal with together...but fortunately their egos did not allow them to carry on supporting and helping one another, so there is hope grin)

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 23:10:33

grin As usual Fool you are spot on, there is always hope. flowers

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 25-Mar-13 23:20:52

The police always cart men off because they put their hands up and give their partners a little nudge to get past them didn't you know?

hmm

TWAT

So is he staying with DD1's Dad?

If you need a solicitor then use the one you used previously - she'll have seen it all before, don't be blush

Can you use your PPI money to rent somewhere else or better still as a deposit on a flat/house of your own?

I hope you get some sleep tonight
x

mathanxiety Mon 25-Mar-13 23:30:30

The wounded pride is exactly why he would want to regain the upper hand by coming back, Being.

That way he could chalk this up as a victory for him.

That is why he keeps on hanging around and blanking people/coming back for his things -- to show you he still dominates his turf no matter what dim view the police may have of what he did to you. He is not going to just leave with his tail between his legs. (That is why you need to be cut and dried about him removing his traps by X date or else you will dispose of them.)

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 23:47:39

Sort one thing at a time, honey.

Don't fret about getting an address for him at this stage; that's for when/if you instruct a solicitor.

Put your poker face on, act as if nothing's amiss (it'll help if you imagine it's Tuesday of last week before the twunt kicked off), and give it your best blag smile

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 00:06:28

Chipping Yes twunt is staying with Dd1's dad, they have been mates from school. There was a lot of years between leaving one and getting with other, they don't have regular contact with each other, but are always each others first call when something goes wrong. I have no contact with dickhead, and Dd1 and I are never (well up until now maybe) discussed.

I can use the money to rent somewhere else, that is the plan short term, but I'm not currently working so getting own place not an option right now, I'm applying for any job going right now.

Math it's often been said I take the path less travelled confused and it would appear I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective. What you say makes a lot of sense, I guess I'm still clinging on to the deluded idea of a clean break.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 00:10:23

Cheers Izzy Will give that a go thanks

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 00:46:59

Just flicking through the telly and realised Roadhouse is on.

Had not been with dickhead very long, he wanted me to meet his mate (twunt) and wife, went to their flat, twunt had just got back from video shop with roadhouse, I remember ignoring the pair of them once Sam Elliot came on the screen grin

Twunt had the bike and the look back then, tbh I only stayed with dickhead so long to keep contact with twunt blush instant chemistry on both sides, we came close to acting on it, but I was 17, he was married with a toddler, we agreed to just be friends.

Eventually split with dickhead, moved away eventually lost contact with twunt.

Moved back a few years later, would bump into him from time to time, attraction still there.
He had moved back to his parents when marriage split up - Jeremy Kyle moment #2 his wife went off with his nephew actually Jeremy Kyle moment #3 his half brother, his "sister" is really his mother, he was then adopted by gp's grin fuck me you couldn't make this shit up, can anyone still hear me over the fluttering of all these red flags, where the hell was mn 20 years ago to stop me getting involved with this shit.

Anyhow finally we were both single at the same time so went for it, moved in together within months.

Coincidence, I don't know, but two things today have triggered this unloading, Bf said earlier she couldn't believe what he'd done, we were made for each other yadda yadda, "you waited for him for half your life" and yes she's right unconsciously I did.

Then back to roadhouse, symbolism, for me that says things have gone full circle, that film has marked the beginning and the end of our relationship.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 00:48:59

God that was cathartic, rambling, waffling shite, but better out than in grin

izzyizin Tue 26-Mar-13 01:01:03

These things are definitely better out than in.

I'm a believer in portents and omens. I concur that the wheel of your relationship with twunt has gone full circle and it's now time for the clean break you crave - which, incidentally, you'll only achieve by imposing a 'no contact' rule on yourself.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 01:10:18

Izzy I'm back on track, there will be NO contact, I was over thinking the rent thing. Tomorrow will be lady gaga all the way grin thanks

izzyizin Tue 26-Mar-13 01:17:43

I LIKE it! grin You go, gal.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 01:33:57

grin grin

grin Cheering you on from the nightfeed xxx

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 09:24:15

Only a twunt would think shiny floors were a good look, no matter what I try today I can't stop the smears angry

I know the inspection thing isn't about my standards as such, but I do have a bit of my mother in me unfortunately blush

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 13:38:33

So twunt has just text, saying we need to get in touch with ll to get him taken off the tenancy, and that I need to speak to xxxx to understand what I need to do in order to cancel contract between us.

Please don't tell me this is him still being manipulative, surely this is a positive step forward?

foolonthehill Tue 26-Mar-13 14:00:53

UM...who knows...so long as it fits in with your view of what needs to happen it doesn't really matter. He may be playing the "look what you've done, you'll never manage without me" card, or he may be being reasonable. It makes no difference, it's what you are thinking and doing that matter!

Try to give him as little brain space as possible...second guessing him is a mugs game (and one I frequently get sucked into with ex) and never helpful or rewarding.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 14:04:50

Anyone?

I'm not going to reply to him, I realise that would be playing into his hands, but I really want to believe he has made the first official steps in cutting ties.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 14:08:46

Sorry x post.

He knows I am more than capable of being without him, was single parent to Dd for abut 12 years, with a demanding full time job.

This time round I am financially secure enough to not really worry about a job till Dd is at school.

foolonthehill Tue 26-Mar-13 14:13:53

that's good. Independent and knowing you can cope is great.

hope the LL inspection went/goes well.

mathanxiety Tue 26-Mar-13 14:24:03

I think he's probably trying to frighten you with the black and whiteness of it all, but why not play along? Call his bluff. My guess is he won't make any calls, but you need to see about the LL situation anyway.

The break needs to be made. YOU CAN DO THIS. And I second Fool's advice to not allow him to occupy space in your brain. Plough ahead with your own agenda. Do what needs to be done for you and DD2 and let him take it or leave it.

(I love the way he tells you in a text out of the blue what you need to do/ who to talk to, what 'we' need to do wrt the LL. hmm)

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 26-Mar-13 14:32:11

I just read your OP and couldn't not comment. Firstly SO many congratulations for your strong heart. Secondly, DD and you are FAR better without a nasty violent twat in your lives.

He is trying to get a reaction from you with his message about the landlord....you don't need him to tell you what you "need" to do because you are an adult who undersrtands these things without prompting.

A man who fights with his child's Mother with the child sitting there deserves no respect. None. I am so sorry but you are obviously doing SO well and you have all my best wishes...and your DD will be just FINE with you to look up to.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 26-Mar-13 14:58:06

Inspection done, I don't know why I worry, we have done so much to the place over the years it's unrecognisable, they love coming in to see what has changed, twunt has actually gained a fair bit of work from them, based on what we had done here.

Anyhoooo poker face was firmly on, said he'd had some random activity on his account, bank should honour long standing payment, but if any difficulty phone me and I'll drop cash up to the office, I must have done a good job, cos they were so sympathetic, ah has card been cloned etc blush felt horrid lying to them.

Right time to hit supermarket, poor Dd has been living out of the freezer for the last few days blush

mathanxiety Tue 26-Mar-13 15:04:06

Pom poms out and waving.

Well done. LL will be fine as long as they have their money on time. You haven't let them down (and have kept up increased the value of their property over the years so they owe you one anyway).

foolonthehill Tue 26-Mar-13 21:02:23

Excellent! Enjoy putting what you want in your supermarket trolley!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 10:09:21

Feeling good this morning grin

Dropped Dd off at cm's then decided to clear away a few cobwebs.

No point driving a wankers car if you don't drive like a wanker every now and then grin
Wednesday 13 on very loud, a blat up through the lanes and back down the m/way.
The best way to start the day grin grin

foolonthehill Wed 27-Mar-13 11:24:00

as you shout "FREEDOM......." at the top of your voice....

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 11:33:17

It was WANKERRRRRRRRR actually blush grin grin

foolonthehill Wed 27-Mar-13 13:38:44

grin.....better out than in...as is he!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 13:53:09

Hmmm received some advice today that has made me think a bit.

It was put to me during an incredibly helpful discussion, that maybe I was trying to "buy my way out of trouble"

That if I hadn't had this money come through, my situation would obviously be very different, and this money should be 'protected'.

So the advice was to secure an occupation order, but not remove twunt from the tenancy so that he us still jointly responsible for the rent.

Now this goes against my dream of a clean break, but equally the money wouldn't last more than about 18 months if I choose to not work until Dd starts school.

Very confused right now, cos obviously I would prefer to sever all links, but I do need to be practical about finances confused

foolonthehill Wed 27-Mar-13 14:02:24

Um...legal advice?

the thing is...assuming you are not married and thus you have no claim on him/he on you financially why would you not go for a clean break now? just morally it seems to me if you know this is permanent get on with making it permanent, in the long run it will be better if he has no claim on you. Yes the money is a pity.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 14:29:49

Unfortunately reader I married him

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 14:32:04

Financial advice fool not legal advice.

mathanxiety Wed 27-Mar-13 15:44:46

What is to stop you getting a job before DD starts school?

What is money for if not to ensure you have options/freedom? If you can increase what you have and if childcare is affordable and local then even a part time job might be something to consider. No harm in starting to look anyhow, as jobs are not exactly growing on trees.

foolonthehill Wed 27-Mar-13 15:45:32

OK well, if you are married I would seriously consider spending the money because when you divorce him he will have a claim on it as part of the financial settlement as part of the joint assets of the marriage sad

I think you need legal advice re the whole package

foolonthehill Wed 27-Mar-13 15:47:05

and I agree with math a bit of a look at the local job market would seem wise. Parting from this man will cost some money unfortunately

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 16:16:13

Thanks Math You're right there's nothing stopping me getting a job, Dd currently gets the 15 free hours per week childcare, I was working up until january, never had the 'luxury' of being a sahm before.

I am applying left, right and centre, but i'm aware of how many people are chasing so few jobs.

Thanks Fool I would much rather have the clean break and how much of a hardship can it really be to go and blow the dough grin

I will have to get another car at some point as wank mobile is his (gonna miss that toy) and Dds ctf or building society account could always do with a top up (he's clueless about these) so there won't be any left for him. grin

foolonthehill Wed 27-Mar-13 17:23:02

now that's a plan!

BerylStreep Wed 27-Mar-13 21:42:56

But if you are married, then the car is a joint asset, surely?

Any joy on the solicitor front?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 22:18:29

Beryl next wednesday was the earliest I could get an appointment.

I am now officially on the council housing list, bid on 2 properties was 170 out of 171 on the first and 190 out of 192 on the second hmm think this could take some time.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 22:32:24

Fool there is a plan b, which at the moment may seem foolish and in all probability extremely unfair to Dd, but it's something that's been a desperate wish obsession for over two years and would certainly use a chunk of the money.

I realistically don't have much time left to decide whether to go for it, but know that right now I might not be in the best place to make such an important decision sad

mathanxiety Thu 28-Mar-13 03:20:06

I'm pretty sure you can't skip the country with her if that's Plan B. It's possible you could move to the far north of Scotland, etc. but talk to a solicitor, and talk about the best way to protect your money. Maybe offer him your interest in the car to settle any financial claims he has against you. Maybe forbear from making a large child support claim? A sol will be able to tell you what is possible.

You are really making great progress and getting your lists accomplished -- well done for getting the ball rolling even though it looks at the moment as if things will move slowly.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 28-Mar-13 08:54:05

grin Math No not planning on doing a bunk, I don't even have a passport, this ice queen would melt anywhere remotely warm and who would want to live anywhere that's even colder than here? grin

No, it's even crazier than that I'm afraid well I think it makes absolute sense, but then I also thought marrying twunt was a good idea so what do I know I'm not ready to hear a bellowing NO from the mn sages sad [deluded emoticon]

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 28-Mar-13 23:01:25

shock neighbour caught me outside earlier trying her best not to be nosy, turns out those 3 nice policeman I saw last week was the tip of the iceburg, there was 8 of them in 4 cars.

It freaked me out tbh that as bad as it was, they were obviously prepared for something far worse sad

foolonthehill Sat 30-Mar-13 16:33:05

...that is what they should be....prepared for the worst, at least your neighbours and friends won;t minimise what's gone on!!!

Frankly I'm always glad when police over- react to calls of violence in the home. It's good to be able to say to posters on here "Call the police. They WILL come and they WILL believe you" - and find out it's true!
I've been wondering how you're doing, Being - I hope you've got a decent chocolate stash and are getting some sleep!x

Sunnywithshowers Sat 30-Mar-13 17:07:55

My XH went through a stage of stalking me when we split.

He turned up at my place, drunk and abusive, and wouldn't leave. So I called the police.

They put him in their car to 'take him home'. Except what they actually did was drop him off in the countryside 10 miles from where he was living... grin

He couldn't understand why I laughed so much when he phoned to shout at me about it the next day. It was the beginning of the end of my fear of him.

Good luck OP flowers

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 30-Mar-13 20:24:39

grin I think I might have nearly wee'd at your amazing policemen Sunny

No chocolate here Blackcurrants it makes me very unwell sad instead I have treated myself to some flavoured cartridges for my e-cig (quite proud that I haven't caved in and gone back to real cigarettes) although I am getting through them at a rate of knots. I can highly recommend cherry or cinnamon wink

Sunnywithshowers Sat 30-Mar-13 20:40:32

grin I still laugh about it and it was over 10 years ago. Marrying him was not my brightest idea...

Well done for staying on the e-cigs, even with the refills you must be saving a fortune.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 30-Mar-13 21:16:42

Too right, a weeks worth of refills is less than one pack of ciggies shock

Twunt is verging on psycho stalker now, went to the outhouse last night to get the washing out of the drier, to find the clothes all folded neatly on the side and his stuff in the drier angry

Took it straight out, chucked it back in his bin bag and launched it out the door

Text him this morning and told him all contact now through solicitors, I will put out the tools etc he needs for next week and all stuff to be collected saturday morning or it will be skipped.
Any further 'visits' or contact will be deemed to be harrasment and I will contact the police again.

He replied 'ok sorry'

What a fucking knob

Sunnywithshowers Sat 30-Mar-13 22:35:51

Eek at psycho stalker, what a bastard.

wordyBird Sat 30-Mar-13 23:18:46

Wow, that was good work, Being!
He knows you mean business now.

mathanxiety Sun 31-Mar-13 06:13:27

WELL DONE!

Fantastic!

foolonthehill Sun 31-Mar-13 18:34:41

grin

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 31-Mar-13 22:30:27

Had a good day today, went to a family fun day thingy at Dd1's church, Dd2 enjoyed it after she got over the initial noise levels shock

Had a proper (veggie) roast when we got back, can't remember the last time we did that, usually have dsd on a sunday, fussy doesn't begin to describe her!

The Aunt and Unc came over this afternoon and left a copy of Peter Kay dvdvd, I have been sat here roaring at it grin

Might go out and 'treat' myself to a new lawn mower tomorrow, twunt had petrol mower and strimmer I can't get the buggers started, knackered tendons in both hands sad

Well done you for having a fab Easter smile
And sorry to hear about your poor tendons - but quite right for the idea of getting something you can actually use!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Tue 02-Apr-13 21:22:34

Tomorrow I finally get to see solicitor, not sure how much will be achieved in one visit.

It's really starting to hit home for Dd, she's been crying in her sleep, waking up sobbing for daddy sad will ask tomorrow how to go about arranging some sort of supervised contact.

Took Dd out for a bit of retail therapy, got some new shoes and dinosaur doodles (we don't do pink and girly) grin

Also on the list for tomorrow is try again to get twunt off the tenancy and then local council to get him removed from council tax. Wish I knew some mean types who could just get him removed permanently grin

foolonthehill Wed 03-Apr-13 00:07:53

Lots if you go prepared!!

good luck

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 03-Apr-13 11:40:06

angry angry Bastards. Had appointment with solicitors this morning.

Got there 20 mins early, sat and waited.

10 mins after my appointment (so 30 mins of waiting) was told 'sorry Lisa has had to leave for court, when would you like your appointment?'

I gave the receptionist my iciest stare, replied '10 minutes ago' and left.

Now to find another bloody solicitor angry

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 03-Apr-13 11:41:56

And I REALLY want a cigarette now!!!

kalidanger Wed 03-Apr-13 11:44:48

Soz, not been following this but don't smoke

brewthanks

kalidanger Wed 03-Apr-13 11:45:35

Ooh, sorry again - supposed to be a grin and a wink there too grinwink

BerylStreep Wed 03-Apr-13 12:45:46

Sometimes these things happen - but it would have been better if the solicitor had come out herself and apologised.

Be strong - don't smoke. You have done so well in dealing with all of this.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 04-Apr-13 13:41:01

None of the 3 solicitors I tried yesterday have bothered phoning back, beginning to despair of ever getting this sorted.

I know it's easter hols, but I would still expect there to be some cover, especially when they claim to offer emergency/out of hours cover for dv sufferers.

Had a productive morning spring cleaning, will all be undone moments after Dd returns grin didn't cave in on the smoking either just hammered the e-cig almost to the point of oblivion wink

Well done for not smoking!

mathanxiety Thu 04-Apr-13 13:46:38

OP, keep on trying with sols. The legal profession is not known for travelling at the speed of light.

foolonthehill Sat 06-Apr-13 12:10:09

do you know anyone who can recommend??

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 19-Apr-13 13:34:50

So after a couple of productive weeks, twunt off the tenancy, finances getting sorted etc, everything is going tits up.

Earlier this week I had to sign an incident form at the cm's as Dd had walloped another child in the face with a toy, leaving a mark very close to the childs eye. We discussed how to handle it, and next session all seemed to be fine.

I have just had a text from cm asking if I can collect 10 mins early as she needs to discuss Dd has bitten one of the children sad angry

Hv is coming to see me in a couple of weeks, just wondering whether to give her a call to discuss.

It feels awkward telling Dd off once she gets home as it will be too long after the incident, but I can't not say anything either iyswim.

Grrrrrrrr

foolonthehill Fri 19-Apr-13 13:39:35

I am a CM...these things happen, even when all is rosy in the home garden.

Perhaps try talking in general about what is nice/not nice and doing some play with teddies or dolls about what happens if you disagree...do several play times of about 10 minutes over a week or so.

this is not because of you....if she starts the play sessions with replays of somethings that she has seen it is an ideal opportunity to tell her why these things are wrong and how nobody should hurt others, but it may just be unrelated.

you are a good mum...you will be fine, so will DD

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 19-Apr-13 13:45:19

Thanks fool thanks

That sounds a very good idea.

Just off to face the music sad

foolonthehill Fri 19-Apr-13 13:55:39

good luck [thumbs up]

elfycat Fri 19-Apr-13 14:05:02

Just to say I caught up on this thread and it sounds like you've been doing a good job of looking after yourself and DD2.

And biting? DD1 (4.2) bit 2 children at nursery on Tuesday (including DD2, so only one non-family victim). Kids just have their moments, I think DD1 is unsettled by all the talk of starting school. We had a chat about it the first night that it's not very nice, she wouldn't like it and maybe there's other ways of dealing with her feelings , and then a more general chat about how she's feeling the following day. Not that she articulated anything much.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 19-Apr-13 16:18:52

Had a long chat with cm, it seems as though it's an attention seeking thing.

Both times have been whilst cm is making lunch / otherwise engaged. After the first incident we agreed Dd would stay in the kitchen with cm when she was getting lunch ready, this appeared to do the trick, however today cm needed to pop to the loo, obviously didn't want to leave Dd in the kitchen alone, so took her back into the main room, sat her down with a book, and told her to sit nicely, read her book and she'd be back very soon.

Door was left open so cm could hear what was going on, as she came back down the stairs other child started crying, Dd was now sat in others childs seat on the other side of the room, other child standing with Dd's nasher prints on elbow.

Dd and other child are very close in age and do have a sibling like relationship. They are either thick as thieves or squabbling, there has been 'rough play' before on both sides, but other child has never attacked (for want of a better word) Dd.

We are going to continue with Dd being in kitchen during lunch prep and follow fools suggestions above and hope we can nip it in the bud no pun intended.

foolonthehill Fri 19-Apr-13 18:37:45

The trouble with this age is that violence gets results...lots of noise and excitement and attention!! i am sure it won,t be a lasting problem and you sound like cm and you have a good plan.

onefewernow Fri 19-Apr-13 19:04:40

One way I know of is for cm to give lots of sympathetic attention to the other child, and ignore the biter, if that helps.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 19-Apr-13 20:59:37

One That's how she played it, Dd put straight out on the bottom stair, whilst bitee got lots of hugs and sympathy, within earshot of Dd.

Cm is briIliant, we are generally in agreement on how to deal with any issues, she is ever so slightly softer than me, I still need to learn to pick my battles grin

onefewernow Fri 19-Apr-13 22:34:43

Does she know about the recent split? Give it 3 months, it wil all blow over with DD. Poor you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now