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23yr old in depressing marriage with 38yr old.

(52 Posts)
adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 10:25:20

hi Everyone,i just got to this blog while searching on google for links to kinds of advice.Anyway let me try and make the story as short as possible.

i met my husband through one of my friends husbands and in the beginning we got on well despite our age diferrence,he was 35 and i 20.He treated me nice with respect and adoration.I knew he had a kid but it was ok for me as i love children.
I forgot to say he is italian and so after one year we married and moved to italy 50min from rome.i was really excited and was almost sure my life was going to be like a fairytale as i arrived in the late summer and it was so magical.this was 2011.
Fastforward.i ve been here two years and am always alone except for two fellow foregniers,both are 30 and 35 respectively.We live in the same town and both of them are equally depressed so i can hardly see the other side of the coin when it comes to advice.sorry if my post is long smile

When i met my husband,i was at school,one of the best as i was determined to get a education and be a sucessful woman,i was happy and felt i had my whole life ahead of me.i left school in the middle bse he said i would continue in italy(turned out to be a lie).Now for two years i spend most of the day in the house as people where i live dont really accept foregneirners(as anyone who has lived,not visited,but lived in italy can attest to that) so am lonely most of the day,i dont go to school,i have no friends,i dont go to any hobbies,not bse i dont want to but bse it isnt possible.i wake up every morning prepare his son for school clean the house and switch the tv on.This is my life everyday.
I just feel tired and fed up and unhappy and depressed all together.i feel like a housemaid as his whole family doesnt even make an effort to get closer to me,also his 5 yr old son treats me with utter disrespect dispite the fact that am so nice and loving torwards him.
My whole family thinks i should leave,but am confused.i really want to leave as i see no future neither true happiness for myself.what do you guys think ?has anyone been in this situation ?

sorry again for the long post.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 10:31:23

You've been subjected to classic controlling behaviour so far. Much older man needs a housekeeper and nanny... so he sweeps a naive young woman off her feet, rushes her into marriage, physically isolates her in a foreign country away from family and support network so that they can be nothing more than servant to him and his child ..... he's ticking every single box. Yes you're in a fairy tale, love, the sort where the evil ogre kidnaps the princess and locks her in a tower cleaning. 'Grimm' indeed.

Listen to your family. Get yourself out and home and to a solicitor to start the divorce. You've no children with him, thank goodness, there's no future in it, no love, no happiness. Don't waste a second more of your life.

Willow36 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:33:12

I am quite confused - you met him at 20 but were still at school?

Anyway, if you're unhappy in your marriage, leave. You're young enough to get home, go to college/uni and start a life for yourself.

You say your family think you should leave, you want to leave and you see no future or true happiness for yourself. Am completely confused as to why you haven't already packed your bags and walked out?

Timetoask Thu 21-Mar-13 10:36:34

Honey, you are still SO YOUNG. You have your whole wonderful life ahead of yourself. YOu do not need to be the housekeeper and nanny for this man.

Do not spend another day wondering what to you. This man has no respect or love for you, if he did, he would be supporting you in advancing your education and being happy.

I am also a foreigner (living in England, DH is british), my family far away, my husband is 10 years older than me. So your situation has nothing to do with the difference of age, or you being in a foreign country. This has to do with a man who is not seeing you as his equal.

Please leave and get the education and life you deserve.

Mumsyblouse Thu 21-Mar-13 10:38:18

I think you have just found out the hard way that there is no fairytale, and you are not a princess, but that relationships take a lot of effort and compatibility and I'm guessing your husband provides neither. As Cogito says, basically they see you as the cook/housekeeper/susbstitute mother and not as a person in your own right. I would return to the UK, go and stay with your family for a little while, and pick up your education where you left off. I cannot see how this can provide happiness for you, and sometimes in life you just have to admit you made a mistake. Don't stay, don't have children with this man and just write it off as youthful folly. You don't have to live like this you know.

Astelia Thu 21-Mar-13 10:39:40

Are you American by any chance? College is called school in the USA.

Listen to your family and get out before you have his baby and he fights to keep the child in Italy if you try to leave. Things would be horrendous then.

It isn't going to get any better so leave now. Get your paperwork safe and tell your parents what is happening. Even better, ask them to come and help you. If they are able to help you to get organised, pack and deal with him you will be much safer.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 10:40:11

Do you have the money for a plane ticket OP?

LarkinSky Thu 21-Mar-13 10:43:29

This reminds me of awful stories about women getting trapped in certain Middle East countries. Get out while you can, and for goodness sake be very careful not to get pregnant.

You worked hard in life, not to be someone's free cleaner and nanny!

He will not change I can guarantee it.

LarkinSky Thu 21-Mar-13 10:44:57

Sorry I meant worked hard at school to do well in life, not to end up in thankless domestic drudgery (and I don't mean being a SAHM is that at all, but your situation sounds that way).

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 10:46:08

i really want to leave as i see no future neither true happiness for myself
I agree with this and Italy's divorce laws are such that the longer you stay the harder it will be to restart your independent, happy life when it ends.

Please go home to those who really love and care for you. Divorce him, he does not love nor care about you....though you might be surprised how hard he tries to convince you that he does once he realises you are going.gone.

take care op

ZZZenAgain Thu 21-Mar-13 10:48:15

I don't see why you could not have been continuing your education in Italy. Obviously you would have needed to learn Italian but I think there might even be an American college in Rome. In any case, no you don't have to have this life.

I think you are very lucky that you do not yet have dc of your own with dh because if you did he could prevent you leaving Italy. I suggest you leave now and go back to your parents. I am sure your family will arrange a ticket for you.

If the marriage has a future, he will come to see you and you will have to discuss what needs to change. Please consider completing whatever training it was you wanted to do and see how he supports you (I mean emotionally) throughout this. If the relationship is really good and you do move back with him, insist you live somewhere closer to Rome where you can be out working and also having a social life.

Good luck. Don't consider too long, best get out now and sort your life out the wayyou want it to go. You're still young enough to start afresh.

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 11:01:35

Thank you everyone for your replies.i talked to one of my old friend who leaves in belgium and he said he would buy me a ticket for April bse i know its going to be hell when i tell my H am going home.Me and my father are not on good terms bse he doesnt like this man at all,as he told me to leave him before but i still stayed.Listening to all of you,am now sure am making the right decision.

izzyizin Thu 21-Mar-13 11:24:19

You are under no obligation to tell your h you are leaving and are best advised not to appraise him of your plans.

After you've arrived in another country, let him know you're safe, sound, and intend to divorce him.

juneau Thu 21-Mar-13 11:30:57

You don't have to say a word about leaving adriatic. If you leave on a weekday when he's at work and the child is at school you can call a cab and go to the airport. He won't know until you're safely on your way.

Please don't tell him if you think he will do anything to try and prevent you leaving. This man is abusive. And yes, I know all about living in Italy and their attitude to foreigners. Some Italians are absolutely lovely, but I was shocked by how parochial, small-minded and xenophobic it is as a country in general. You don't get that impression when you have a two-week holiday there, but I totally get where you're coming from.

Leave, before he gets you pregnant and you're tied to him forever.

ZZZenAgain Thu 21-Mar-13 11:36:20

Is the family around spying on you? Would they see you leave with bags in the taxi?

ZZZenAgain Thu 21-Mar-13 11:37:15

your dad will be happy to have been proven right and glad you are out of there.

juneau Thu 21-Mar-13 11:37:24

Also, I'm sure your father would buy you a ticket - even fly out to Italy to get you - if you're serious about leaving and ask him to help you.

ZZZenAgain Thu 21-Mar-13 11:39:07

actually your dad flying out to help you wouldn't be a bad thing either. If you need to do it alone though, you can. Have you got a lot of stuff you want to take with you?

You are making the right decision in posting here, now please take the great advice and by that ticket.

Your life is too short to watch it flash before your eyes.

Sorry this is happening to you, but there is a brighter future out there- and it doesn't include this controlling man!

Rosa Thu 21-Mar-13 11:40:35

Op I am sorry that you have had this experience in Italy - there are opportunities out there - not handed to you on a plate but they are there. I am sorry that you have not managed to find any or made an effort to be yourself but yet blend in with the locals - it can be done as I have done it many I time in many different areas I agree its bloody hard and they look at you as if you are mad . Many of us over here have found it tough and yes sometimes the small minded ness drives you insane but its not all over Italy.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

I'm so glad you posted for support and are thinking of moving on from this relationship which is making you so unhappy.

You still have the whole of your life ahead of you my dear !

Once you get back home you will have a whole different perspective on these few years I'm sure.

Good luck ! Life is waiting for you just around the corner smile

mrfrancis82 Thu 21-Mar-13 13:56:07

I think you should leave and get back to being young and have fun.

I'd be so pissed off at myself if I'd wasted my early 20's married to someone who was in a later stage of life than myself. You're still young enough to salvage it, so leave now.

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 14:05:07

we leave in the same building with his parents upstairs,his brother on the left apartment and the office is on the ground floor so am basically trapped.Hope to find a way though.

Am scared of telling him bse he can get really crazy.But to leave i ll have to face him.But i intend to do that with the ticket in my hands.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 14:07:05

If he's going to 'get really crazy' please don't take the risk of confronting him face to face. It's an abusive relationship and you have to put your safety first at all times. Leave and then tell him from a safe distance...

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 14:08:29

And also i didnt intend to print a bad picture of italy,its just that,thats what i ve experienced and also seen around me.am sure its different for everyone.

So glad i posted here,i cant thank everyone enough for your kind advices.

The most dangerous time for you is now and the days up till you leave.

No, don't tell him that you're leaving with the ticket in your hand; he could well make a grab for it and do you physical harm in the process. He is never going to be at all reasonable.

Best thing to do here is to leave for the airport asap and not tell him till you're safely away.

Astelia Thu 21-Mar-13 14:10:00

I would phone him from the departure hall. No way he can cause trouble then.

Do you have somewhere to go to? Friends? Family?

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 14:11:18

@cogito i think you are right,i ll just have to plan my exit and then tell him afterwards,its just that its a small town and people talk alot.if they even see me walking down to get a bus with a suitcase.so i ll have to think.Thank you

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 14:13:17

yes my closest relative is in london,my sister.can you believe i havent seen her all these years bse he refuses me.I ve indeed been so blind

JsOtherHalf Thu 21-Mar-13 14:15:46

If you have somewhere to go, could you send some stuff there beforehand via courier? Pretend it is a birthday present for a female friend?

juneau Thu 21-Mar-13 14:16:40

Okay, given your living situation, how about your confide in your family and get them to "come out to see you" with the idea that they can then escort you home? Your DH won't be able to stop you leaving if you leave with them, surely?

Alternatively, how about you arrange a trip home to see your family. Tell DH it's for a week or two, then when you're safely back in the UK you tell him you're not coming back?

JsOtherHalf Thu 21-Mar-13 14:16:54

Right, so send a large parcel to your sister...:-D

Springsister Thu 21-Mar-13 14:17:53

Take a small bag, your passport, tickets and go.
Don't look back.
It will be the best thing you ever do.

DolomitesDonkey Thu 21-Mar-13 14:19:26

Do not get a paper ticket. Get an e-ticket sent to your email and then print it out at the airport or if you have a smartphone, show them on that.

Don't take a suitcase. A handbag is enough.

SimoneDeBeaver Thu 21-Mar-13 14:19:38

Do you even need a suitcase? Could you take passport, ticket, money in your usual handbag?

Do you have any jewellery you could wear and cash in when you get to London?

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 14:26:20

@juneau That i think is the only way to get out in one piece,i had already asked to go see my family as i hadnt seen any of them in a year,but he said he would only allow it at the end of this year if we went to see them together.i insisted if at least i would see my sister in london,it then turned out to be a long arguement and he said no.i talked to my sister and she suggested i pretend to go home and then never come back.that will be i think the easiest way to leave.I know he will argue but in the end he may let me go visit.And that will be the end,i ll never look back.

adriaticsea Thu 21-Mar-13 14:29:15

Simone last time i threatened to leave he collected all the gold and kept it in his office,so no,just two small gold chains

juneau Thu 21-Mar-13 14:33:53

Oh God adriatic I'm really worried about you now! I can't believe what a controlling monster your husband is sad

This site is great for advice, so keep asking if you need help. There are lots of women on Mumsnet who've escaped from abusive relationships, so you're in the right place.

mummytime Belgium Thu 21-Mar-13 14:55:18

Okay. The very very first thing you need to do is find out where your home Country's Embassy or Consulate is, and make sure you know how to get there and their phone number.
Next do your best to get hold of your passport and some money. If you have anyone you can trust outside the family, let them keep some valuables/things you want to keep for safe keeping.

Do not tell him you are going. If possible carry on much as usual.

Is there a Western Union office you can get to? Would your father help you leave? Do you have any money of your own?

Can you cover up that you are leaving by making it look like you are going shopping? Meeting your expat friends?

If things get really bad get to the Embassy/Consulate.

Please leave soon but carefully.

laverneandshirl Thu 21-Mar-13 15:07:03

http://ukinitaly.fco.gov.uk/en/

There is an embassy in Rome. Can you check bus/train times and just go for it one day? Could your sister/friend meet you there with a ticket home? Be aware he may try to keep hold of your passport so try not to rouse suspicion right now. The Embassy can give you a temporary passport if he does steal it. Stay safe.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 16:37:06

Don't you have a car?

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 16:42:24

Just leave. Don't tell him. My x attacked me when I told him I was leaving. You dont have children do you/ you don't owe him the truth MORE than you owe it to yourself to take the measures you need to take to put this behind you. l listen to cogito.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 16:43:26

i agree with the carry on as normal while you plan. that's what i did too. I posted documents to my parents.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 16:45:25

ps just to repeat what others have said. A handbag is enough. Don't get too hung up on your things. they will anchor you to this situation. walk away from the things you 'own' in this life.

I walked away from every possession I had 7 years ago. I can tell you now, it'd be hard to remember one thing that I wish I still had.

starfishmummy Thu 21-Mar-13 16:49:46

I don't think any one has said it yet but do make sure he can't find your internet history and this thread

ZZZenAgain Thu 21-Mar-13 19:40:48

Does he have your passport?

Look, do not tell him you are leaving. Seriously I know you feel you have to do this but don't. THis is a really, really bad idea. You know a couple of people you said also expats, so tell him you are going to spend the morning with one of them and get your hair done or she is teaching you to bake a particular cake or whatever he permits. Leave with a small bag. No one will suspect anything.

If he has your passport (WTAF?), you need to get in touch with your embassy or you can leave by train. Take the train to your friend in Belgium and see the embassy there. Your parents could drive to Belgium and pick you up.

Call him when you have left the country.

izzyizin Thu 21-Mar-13 19:55:39

What nationality are you?

There's no way you can confront him with a ticket in your hand - he'll simply tear it up and make sure you can't leave. You're going to have to use extreme care and caution and only tell you've left for good after you're safe with friends/family in another country.

How far are you from the airport you would use to leave Italy? And how far are you from the bus stop nearest to your home?

Will the bus take you all the way to the airport or will you need to change buses/catch a train?

Darkesteyes Thu 21-Mar-13 23:31:12

OP i know where you are coming from (Italian mother British father) and the Italian culture is VERY mysogynistic. Basically all decisions are made by the male but if something goes wrong its the females fault.
my DM has very fixed ideas about the way women should be and what they have to sacrifice for their masters. I was last in Italy 30 years ago as a child and me and my young female cousin were kept indoors to do washing up while my dB and male cousins got to play in an old broken down car outside.
My DM blamed the victims of Saviles abuse rather than savile himself saying they should have been ashamed to talk about it in public.
I have NO intention of visiting that country as an adult and i never will. im sure that there are very nice people there but my experiences (including 2 very close calls with entitled italian males when i was ten and sixteen) were not good. Please get away. He is abusive and controlling and in my experience it seems to be a trait of that culture.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 06:03:21

Taxi... Call a cab, sling your stuff in the back and head for the airport. Specify 'Rome' vaguely but don't tell the cab company the exact destination until you're out of town. Just in case the family have links.

Timetoask Fri 22-Mar-13 06:11:28

Good luck Op!
You are being very brave. I am excited for you and your new life.

LarkinSky Fri 22-Mar-13 10:31:43

Good luck OP, let us know when you're safe. I repeat the advice to go to the British Embassy in Rome if you need to; the staff there are specially trained in helping British Nationals in your exact situation. If you need it, they will loan you money (cash or book a flight for you) and give you an emergency passport.

If you have doubts about leaving your H, it's best you are able to have a good long think about your marriage in the safety of your own family in the UK, you'll have a better perspective then.

LeslieWrinkle Fri 22-Mar-13 15:38:11

Hope u r ok . i fled my x , but from the uk to my home. i told the hv b4 i left but i kbew i could trust her and she was so incredibly kind and suppirtive.... i was older too. a tear just rolled off my cheek there think of somebody going through what i went through but a decade younger. u will put this behind u.

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