Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

(437 Posts)
Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 09:41:50

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

Tell him not to bother unpacking his suitcase, but to take anything else he needs and leave.

So sorry you're going through this when you've been through enough already.

GeorgiePorgiePudding Thu 21-Mar-13 09:47:14

So sorry to hear about this. What an absolute bastarding twat. Yeah of course your breast cancer must have also been hard for him but to go off into the arms of another woman?! Really?! What a spineless, selfish, nasty c*nt

As someone above said, tell him not to unpack. Get everything he owns in bin liners and put it all out in the front garden ready for him to take as well when he gets back.

Then call your mum or girlfriends and get them over for tea and cake and moral support.

So sorry again

So sorry you are going through this..........I wouldnt let him back............You have been through so much and it is disgusting that he is blaming you..............

Seabright Thu 21-Mar-13 09:49:48

You need time to think before making a big decision and he needs to give you that time. He needs to go to a Travellodge or a friend until you are ready.

Don't take this crap about it being the fault of the cancer. It was his decision to act like this.

MrsSpagBol Thu 21-Mar-13 09:51:14

So sorry to hear this flowers

Locketjuice Thu 21-Mar-13 09:52:05

So sorry your going through this,
All I can say is what a complete and utter selfish twat to try and blame your health on what has happened.. Any kind of husband wouldn't have dreamt of doing this whilst you were so vulnerable!

VitoCorleone Thu 21-Mar-13 09:52:23

What a fucking prick

ScottyDoc Thu 21-Mar-13 09:54:52

So so sorry OP. you have been through hell and back with the cancer and operations. This man is not only undeserving of you but is the scum of the earth for having betrayed you like this. Get him out of your house calmly and controlled, and seek legal advice this week. Don't allow him to talk you back into giving him another chance either, that will be his number one plan when he comes home today. He will most likely be wording it together carefully in his own head. If you did let him back in, you know in your heart that not only will you never be able to trust him again but if you or the family has another crisis or major event like the cancer, none of you will be able to rely and depend on him.

He is a sad, pathetic individual who has betrayed his sick wife and children. You absolutely cannot get lower than that.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 09:55:33

sad Bastard.

How fucking dare he blame your breast cancer for his choice to cheat and betray you in this way?!

Do not take the blame - he is an inadequate selfish dick.

nipersvest Thu 21-Mar-13 09:56:42

given what you've already been through over the past year you need real life support, is there someone you can call?

I'm sorry to hear this, what a horrible shock.

I would be surprised if they haven't slept together since dec - especially if she is sending naked pics...

Get real life support too - and you don't have to decide anything now.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 09:58:20

And don't let on how much you know and say as little as possible when listening to him tell you what happened. They always minimise - it was only a kiss, we only shagged once etc. Sending nude pics indicates they have been at it for a while, sorry sad

Also you need to get tested for STIs sad

mcmooncup Thu 21-Mar-13 10:00:44

Wow, I'm so sorry OP, you must be devastated.

This is betrayal of an especially disgusting type.

I'm afraid you have seen his true colours here, and I would go with what everyone else is saying........get his things and throw them on the drive and do not let him back in. Of course he will say he hasn't done anything, they all do. But he has. You know it and we all know it sad

You know how precious life is after what you have been through. It certainly isn't worth wasting on pond life like him.

Print off the naked photo of her, stick it to the front door with "don't bother coming in, your things are behind you" written on it, then dump the rest of his stuff, with / without bin bags, on the kerb.

Bolt the door or put chairs behind it so he can't get it.

mcmooncup Thu 21-Mar-13 10:05:23

FireoverBabylone That is genius

OP you would truly do well to consider this.

There is nothing much to say to him is there?

Loulybelle Thu 21-Mar-13 10:06:39

It amazes me how people can think of their sex life before the health of their partner.

I agree, kick him out, you've gone through cancer and come through it, think of it as a second chance to do something better for you, sod that cheating bastard.

Can you get family or a friend around for some support? He needs to give you space and time to process this devestation.

It is entirely his decision and "just kissing" is something that teenagers do. Adults don't stop at "just kissing" because they don't have to, so that is just a lie. None of this is your fault. If it hadn't been cancer he would have found some other excuse to have sex with other women.

Gingerandcocoa Thu 21-Mar-13 10:14:57

What a selfish thing he's done. I am really sorry you're going through this, after such a horrible year.

I wouldn't let him in through the door, you need time to digest this and think about what you want to do. Definitely tell him to go to a hotel and I wouldn't believe a word he says!!!

lovesherdogstoomuch Thu 21-Mar-13 10:17:19

utter utter bastard. get support round. do the naked pic thing on the door and chuck his stuff out. bolt yaself in and get someone to pick up the kids for the night. they don't need to see any of this as you know. you are a truly brave, strong woman. he is disgusting. good luck. i'll be thinking of you. hopefully he's panicking and making up his story on the plane right now. and yeh, they always minimise what's been going on. sorry.

woopsidaisy Thu 21-Mar-13 10:21:45

Inrealshock, I have tears in my eyes...
How dare he try to blame you! I am so incensed for you, what a complete stain on humanity he is.

AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Wanker, wanker,WANKER!!!!

Agree with others, tell him to get a room somewhere. Then give me the address, Ill give him something to think about.

I was a nurse on breast surgery ward for years, I know what you have been through. this is not normal behaviour from him. Asshole.

woopsidaisy Thu 21-Mar-13 10:22:15

Sorry for typos.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:22:23

I have got it all out in bin bags now. Really frighteed about the sti thing. Could no believe the picture either i am 42 vulnerable my breasts look strange and one of nipples did ot survive the surgery. I have put lots of weight on but i did feel i was k the mend and trying to be positive and was exercising and trying to be well.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:22:55

I agree with posts above. Put all his clothes etc in bin bags on the driveway/front garden/road outside and don't let him in. Tell him to go away. Anywhere but not there with you in your home.
Then call your mum/sister/friends and go to them or have them come to you. Talk it through with them if you want/need to as its good to get clarity from real life people who know you/him/your family.
If you don't want to talk about it then dont... Do anything else but talk about it. That part is up to you.

But kick him out for now at least. I wouldn't ever take him back but you might... Only you can decide that BUT he needs to be OUT today until YOU are ready to discuss/meet/whatever.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:25:37

I am so sorry this has happened, we all are. I actually have tears in my eyes reading this as well. I feel sick for you I can't imagine how you feel.
What an utter DICK.

Fucking hell.

the man is not worth a tenth of you.

You've been through something horrific and however you may look, you're a survivor & your body is just a reflection of that. You deserve so much better than that.

Also, it's less likely to be down to looks...more likely to be down to a flaw in him & his ability to keep it in his trousers, whoever it is that's caught his eye thanks

You're doing great, just take it easy & take each day as it comes.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:28:53

He blames the fact that he has just turned 40 and is losing his hair and is having a crisis. I have been trying to do my best sexually but can only face it once a week. My right reconstructed breast still hurts and I am concerned that they might have to another op. I have to take these tablets called Tamoxifen which are giving me all srts of side effects. I am so hurt because he has been like a rock to me and now he is letting me down where i feel most vulnerable. We were supposed to go on hols this easter to get some sun and he k ows how anxious i am about my body by the pool and the there is this photo of this super slīm lady younger and perfect breasts .... I am just devastated even more so as i thought i was getting stronger mentally and physically and i need to be strong in the summer as all the tesing starts up again

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:30:50

Oh what a prick.
Mid life crisis?! Have zero pity for him.

He sounds pathetic.

AngelinaCongleton Thu 21-Mar-13 10:31:19

This is a shocking betrayal. I think he needs to stay elsewhere and prove to you he deserves even common courtesy from you in future, never mind anything else. He is not the man you thought he was if he was prepared to risk hurting you like this. So sorry he's done this. You will get through it.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:32:58

You, on the other hand, sound amazing! So brave and awesome! You shouldn't have to be dealing with this crap from him as you have been through enough.
So who are you going to call this afternoon once he's collected his stuff and sloped off? Do you have ladies to call? Mum/sister/friends?? Xx

Oh op, I'm so sorry, how very shocking for you. What a difficult time you've already had with the cancer, and now this. I hope he is shitting himself on the plane. angry

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:34:45

I cant believe that last december when i am barelybrecovering from my reconstruction yet still managing to look after our 2 kids that he is away at some fuckung client party abroad andndoing the dirty on me

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:38:19

Yes i have lots of supportive friends - less so close loal family. I have been through such a hard time sine July that i cannot believe there is even more anguish for me

I have been trying to do my best sexually but can only face it once a week. My right reconstructed breast still hurts and I am concerned that they might have to another op

That is disgusting.

I hope you know that plenty of people get over mid life crises without betraying their partners?

He'd say anything other than admit he did it because he wanted to & just didn't consider you to get out of it. If he was 20 he'd say it's because he's young, if he was the one having treatment he'd say it was the stress etc. I'd be more sad that he wasn't just admitting he cocked up, plain and simple, no excuses.

You'll need to be strong if you've got testing ahead and maybe he's not the rock you thought he was.

HerbyVore Thu 21-Mar-13 10:39:07

You poor love, he doesn't deserve you.

Have you got anyone you can call for moral support?

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:41:17

Very very glad you have supportive friends smile

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:42:12

Can I ask how long you have been with him? And how old are the kids? X

GeorgiePorgiePudding Thu 21-Mar-13 10:43:41

A mid life crisis? Is he actually serious? A mid life crisis? What the fuck does he think your breast cancer was if not a fucking crisis.

As others have said, this isn't about you and your body- this is about him and his ability to keep his fucking trousers on.

Are you still going to go on holiday with your kids? I hate to tell you what to do and obviously you may not feel like it but you really should. You should jet off with your kids and get your body out all over the place in the sun. You've beaten breast cancer so who gives a fuck if you've put on some pounds and your breasts aren't as great as they used to be- YOU'RE ALIVE and you've got everything to live for. My feeling is that most people are so obsessed with their own bodies around the pool that no-one actually cares how anyone else looks.

As others have also said, lock the door and don't let him in because he'll try to excuse and minimise what he's done and he might see a chance to talk you round.

Midlife crisis? shock

I am gobsmacked at his selfish cruelty. Poor you. Kick him out for now,

Oh yes, what georgie said ^

If you're not sure anyway he will talk you round and then it'll be even harder.
You'll have trust issues to deal with that you shouldn't bloody have to during further testing, stress etc.

Would you not be stronger without that & with the support of friends and family, who you know are there unconditionally? Yes, it'll hurt & you'll miss how it was & how he was. But surely you deserve better & you'd be making these next few months harder they they need to be by letting him back in & trying to process his betrayal?

Hope you're ok thanks

chocoflump Thu 21-Mar-13 10:47:59

Not much to add other than to say you are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man! This is the ultimate betrayal- I would be shocked if they hadn't actually slept together.

Don't let him treat you like this, he had his chance and he's fucked it up. He is entirely to blame. thanks

Halfling Thu 21-Mar-13 10:48:08

Inrealshock, you have been through a lot and I am so sorry to hear about how stupid and selfish your husband has been.

Whether or not you want to work on your marriage is your decision and can wait till you pull yourself together.

Now the ball is in your H's court. He has to show remorse, respect your space, move out if you want him to, answer every question you have...

If he takes steps to redeem himself, there is hope through counselling etc. If he continues to be a selfish wanker, hold your head up high and start planning a healthier, happier and stronger future without him.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 10:52:02

What !?!? He is blaming you to have had cancer for his infidelity !

And then the fact he is getting 40yo and having a crisis.

And by the way you keep insisting on how much effort you've put into your sex life even though you didn't feel like it (and who can blame you after 4 surgeries!), he has been putting pressure on you to have sex anyway and then went out to have some somewhere else....

What a ***! What about the 'in health and in illness' bit of his vows....

Do you have any friends who can come and be with you when he gets home so you are not alone.

None of this is your fault. It is all his choice to not support and love you he choose to go else where.

Do not let him bully you to discuss anything today. You need time to come to terms with what he has done to you.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 10:53:25

So sorry for this, OP. It doesn't matter how hard life was for you and your family during your cancer, he has no excuse for doing this.

Your cancer, the stress, changed sex life - these are all just excuses when what he could do with more than anything is taking responsibility for what he chose to do.

Looks like I've got something similar going on in my marriage - but not as heartbreaking as your situation. Best wishes to you.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:59:12

We have been together 13 years and have 2 kids aged 9 and 7. They are at school now.. I had to pretend that i was getting flu and feeling unwell so they would not be suspicious

Oh dear sad

That makes it worse. He threw such a meaningful amount of time away, and for what?

You truly deserve so much better inrealshock thanks

Gingerandcocoa Thu 21-Mar-13 11:01:09

If you are losing your hair, you buy a hat, get hair implants, a wig. You do not cheat on your wife!

There is absolutely no excuse for him, I actually feel pity for someone like that because he will come to his senses and see what a horrible, despicable thing he has done to you and your family.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 11:01:17

And what time will he get to your home today? Whilst the children are still at school I hope?

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 11:05:14

He gets home at 2

Could you at least tell him to leave temporarily? You need some space to really properly consider all this & let in sink in. You must be in total shock.

If he's even a halfway decent person he'll respect that

ScoffedAnEggInSixtySeconds Thu 21-Mar-13 11:07:10

You are doing so marvellously well OP, so brave and thoughtful even now to your children.

He is a cuntweasel. I hope his conscience tweaks him so badly he never sleeps the night through again.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 11:09:51

I have taken screen shots of all the texting between the 2 of them and of course her naked photo. What else do i need do you think is palnning to divorce re solicitors etc

BitOutOfPractice Thu 21-Mar-13 11:11:05

Words honestly fail me at this despicable scumbag of a man angry

God I'm so sorry you have to go through this shit.

You've done the right thing to get his stuff together. Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone while you have time to think.

How does he look himself in the mirror

And as for the only kissing bit...they really do follow the same fucking script don't they? Does he think you're stupid?

Best of luck OP. I'll be thinkingof you at 2

Well done OP.

You are brave beyond words & doing incredibly well all things considered. Best of luck thanks

(Plenty of people on here know more about the solicitors etc, just wanted to say well done smile )

BitOutOfPractice Thu 21-Mar-13 11:13:01

Get paperwork together. Payslips, certificates, tax details, bank statements, savings, anything financial. Passport etc. Get them all together then take them round to a friends house for safe keeping. If you can't face that, hide them somewhere - the loft, somewhere like that.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 11:13:27

I think i forgot to mention in all the hullaballoo that the bitch phoned me late at night to see we should be friends and that he was to blame as he had done all the running. She said affairs were quite typical in her culture , Yugoslavia and she had suffered so much. I told her to leave him alone and my family - she said that she did not know about the breast cancer but i doubt that would have stopped her

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 11:14:31

You poor thing. I'm sure your breast cancer was harder for YOU than it was for him.

Oh dear...If anything that would make me even more determined to LTB.

Hope he's happy with himself hmm

How are you feeling? have you contacted any friends or family? brew

monkeysbignuts Thu 21-Mar-13 11:16:55

He's a twat and she is a bitch. Regardless of the breast cancer she should have stayed away from a married man!
I can't believe you are having to go through this after everything else you have been through.
Tbh if it was me I would kick him out. Hugs op x

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 11:17:19

Inrealshock, I know you can't think like this now, but if the pair of you split up, don't visualise yourself stuck at home with the children all the time. make it clear he'll be responsible for the children every weekend while you carve out a new social life for yourself. He can't object, not reasonably. Looks like he went ahead and did that while married. There is nothing that takes the wind out of a man's sails quicker than being responsible for three children every weekend wink

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 11:18:44

Don't engage with her. If she thought it was really painful to see your DP have an affair, she wouldn't have done it herself, culture difference or not.

What BitOutOfPractice said. And get a copy of all important documents, esp wages slips, bank statements, rental agreement if you are renting or deeds for the house/mortgage stuff. If you have scanner, scan them and put all that on a memory stick.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 11:20:07

Sorry I meant 'if it was painful to see her own DP have an affair'....

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 11:20:37

Yes i think maybe he should move out. I have told a few friends. He was completely paranoid on the phone last night about people finding out. No fucking wonder he is such a selfish shit and it does not portray him in a good light

Strangemagic Thu 21-Mar-13 11:20:46

OP he is a git,she has lost her mind,you sound brave and determined,good luckxx

" i am 42 vulnerable my breasts look strange and one of nipples did ot survive the surgery. I have put lots of weight on but i did feel i was k the mend and trying to be positive and was exercising and trying to be well"

What strikes me is that you were doing so well, please dont let this derail you. Continue to eat well, to exercise, to sleep.at this point you need to prioritise looking after yourself most of all. Please, you owe it to yourself to not let his breathtaking lack of support set you back .

He was worried about what people would think?

what about what his wife thinks !? hmm

Should of thought of that before...he knew what he was doing, he took the risk anyway.

Sounds like a selfish arse. Not exactly redeeming himself is he.

Make him move out, for a while at least. You need & deserve your own space. I think you already know that how he's acting about the aftermath has put the nail in the coffin...

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 11:29:22

The not wanting other people to know is quite typical. I would blow that out of the water. Tell everybody what has happened, what you know so far and how you know it, because that way, "The Script" can't be changed later. You know, see it on here, the script somehow gets changed to 'you rejected me, you pushed me away, you over reacted to some harmless flirting'. Make sure all his friends and family know. And that way he has to ACKNOWLEDGE what happened.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 11:29:48

Yes move out at least so that both of you can see a bit more clearly what is going on.

If he really cares about you, he will be able to use that time to show he can behave appropriately.
And let people know why he is moving out. The fact he has been unfaithful should NOT be a shame on you, so much so that you don't want anyone knowing about it. You want the responsibility of the situation sitting squareky on his shoulders.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 11:29:53

You are right i want to get stronger physically and emotionally its just a bit of a surprise that my future does not look like it will be the one i thought ie with him ... Bloody hell

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 11:32:38

EVEN if you end up apart, that won't carry on feeling like a shock for the next forty years. Adjustment terrifying but you DO adjust.

Carry on focusing on your own health and recovery. Your cancer is still recent. You will feel better than you do now. There's still a lot of recovery to be done. REally feel for you that you've been dealt this shock.

PeppermintPasty Thu 21-Mar-13 11:34:01

You do sound very strong. Get thee to a solicitor pronto, so you are forearmed with all the knowledge, all the facts.

I am so sorry he has done this to you, what a despicable coward.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 21-Mar-13 11:34:58

My God I am disgusted. And I'm so sorry OP. just get rid of him, he does not deserve the air you breathe. I can't believe he could blame your cancer, shocking!!

It's natural to feel upset & disappointed about the future, when you thought it was going to be with someone you love & have children with & have been with for a long time. You're allowed to grieve for that, no matter what the other person has done. You're only human & it's still painfully fresh for you & will be for a while, but once you've sorted the basics out & the dust starts to settle you will feel better & more confident in your decision. It may even be the best thing you ever did.

Stay strong & let yourself feel whatever you need to feel thanks

EldritchCleavage Thu 21-Mar-13 11:36:15

I'm so sorry to hear this.

For starters I would tell him to tell this woman she is not to contact you again under any circumstances, and that if she does you may report her to police for harassment. What a completely selfish and wrong-headed thing to do, ring you up to whinge about herself!

Give yourself time to deal with the shock, and do look after yourself.

DreamingofSummer Thu 21-Mar-13 11:39:18

OP you sound incredibly strong. Your husband sounds a total arse. Tell him to stay away for now until you decide what you want to do. Let him feel the shame

I agree with seeking legal advice very soon. I'd also confide in your friends - a problem shared and all that.

Stay strong

BitOutOfPractice Thu 21-Mar-13 11:42:45

"it does not portray him in a good light" OP that has to be the understatement of the millenium!!

Buzzardbird Thu 21-Mar-13 11:45:53

Those poor children, not only have they had to watch their lovely DM struggle with everything now they will have to go through what their Father has done. He should be the one that has to explain it to them. The utter shit.
I have a friend that exactly the same thing happened to except her 2 Dc's were grown up. She took him back but at any social events he cannot bear to show his face, wonder why?
Like you she is a strong character that beat the cancer and got through all the op's.
Good luck to you OP, stay strong.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 11:50:40

and as for this girl ringing you up to tell you that affairs are normal in her country!!! Well so what if they are. don't like a friend of a friend be made to feel that you are bourgeouise for wanting a faithful husbband. I know a man who asked his wife, look, can you not just accept it? when she said no he mocked her for being bourgeois. Anyway, whatever happens in her country, you don't live there. This is not yugoslavia. And even if it were, it's your marriage, not hers, so you are the one who gets to decide where you draw the lines.

LaurenGB Thu 21-Mar-13 12:15:49

Just another adding support here Inrealshock. I think you are doing the right thing. He needs to leave and you clearly need time to process everything. Him being in the house with you is going to be a massive amount of pressure on you.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong here.
And he is an utterly selfish arrogant c*unt.
I reserve that name for very few.

Lauren xx

coffeewineandchocolate Thu 21-Mar-13 12:16:20

OP, if it had have been the other way round and he had breast/testicular cancer which resulted in body changes for him, would he then accept you saying it was due to this you had an affair? I very much doubt it!

A relationship is about supporting each other through difficult times not just reaping the rewards of the good times. Physical body changes shouldn't matter as he should love you for the person you not just your physique. I'm sure he had changed somewhat in the time you have been together!

I agree with other posters that he had been selfish and arrogant and that he will probably turn things back on you. My suggestion is that if you are struggling, just think if what advice you would give a close friend or your daughter in your situation- its often the truest and more sensible advice a we tend to take more care over friends/childrens wellbeing and feelings than our own

badinage Thu 21-Mar-13 12:20:22

Any bloke who shags around while his wife is coping with a life threatening illness and then blames it for his behaviour needs binning. But don't make the mistake of thinking this was a one-off act of selfishness. Someone who could do that has been selfish for years, but you've probably overlooked it.

My guess is that the woman dumped him as soon as she found about the cancer and the fact he'd lied by omission about it. Well, she would if she had any self-respect, but her actions don't particularly matter. The only reason I'm mentioning that is because if your husband's been dumped and is out of alternative options, he will probably try all he can to stay with you, but for his own self-interests and not yours or the children.

Tell anyone and everyone you want. People like this never learn a damned thing unless there are consequences.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 12:29:58

Good point, if he'd been diagnosed with testicular cancer in July, do you think you would have 1) had an affair 2) used it as an excuse for an affair, and TOLD him that his cancer was 'to blame'.

GeorgiePorgiePudding Thu 21-Mar-13 12:32:08

He was worried about what people would think?

Have you rang his mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins and told them what he's done? If not, get on the phone, you have nothing to be embarrased about or blame yourself for so 'out' the bastard for the c*nt that he is.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 12:40:04

I have been speaking to him whilst he waits for his flight but he s now talking about how things were wrong before the cancer - thats just not true we were getting along. I just feel so devastated that the person i trusted the most and who did help me through the ops etc would then turn round and establish some form of relationship withba woman who is younger and has a perfect body which she flaunts to him.

badinage Thu 21-Mar-13 12:44:01

He's just re-writing history to justify his behaviour, that's all. But take him at his word and say that you don't want to be with someone who's unhappy with you and most of all, is as lowlife as to do something like this and try to blame other factors rather than himself.

Nothing you say today is set in stone.

The most powerful thing you can do is to tell him your marriage is over and for him to leave.

You might change your mind later, you might not. For now, take control of the situation and get yourself some space.

Owllady Thu 21-Mar-13 12:45:48

god I am so sorry. He sounds an absolute coward and a complete arse

AThingInYourLife Thu 21-Mar-13 12:45:55

He'll say whatever he can to try to justify what he did.

But there is no justification.

And everyone, including him deep down, knows that.

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 12:51:23

Nothing he can say can justify what he has done. If your marriage was crap or he couldn't cope with the cancer he should have walke away. In what world do you deal with these problems by having an affair.

He is a coward and he is trying to dig himself out of his hole. Please don't be afraid to tell people. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And if he thinks his behaviour was justified he shouldn't have a problem with it either!!

Best of luck wih your ongoing recovery. Focus on that and the kids and dont waste too much time on him.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 12:54:37

Ok .. Wise words .. I will do my best

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 13:00:53

So what if there were issues in the marriage - did he talk to you about these? did he suggest counselling?! He is scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to come up with excuses for his shitty behaviour. He chose to cheat because he is a selfish twat - not because of you or so called "issues" in the marriage.

Stay strong xx

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 21-Mar-13 13:08:12

Just caught up with your thread OP and just wanted to add my support.

What an idiot he is being, has been. To try the 'its not my fault' script is spineless IMO.

Regardless of your illness, if he had felt that your marriage was not as it should be, how the hell did he think shagging someone else was going to fix that....?

You are bound to feel self conscious and he should be doing everything to make you feel marvellous. You are marvellous.

He may have woken up and smelt the coffee and want to be the husband you deserve or he may just be trying to cover his own sorry arse. He's a twunt of the highest order, but you know that already. It is now down to him to fix this, if u want him to, that is.

And as for her ringing you, words fail me. Wtf...? How did she get your number?

Sending u a big unmumsnetty hug. Please make sure u still go on holiday. thanksthanks

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 13:09:41

I am strong and what I have battled with the cancer this year has made me stronger and also more of a mind that I need to make the most out of life as life is so precious. I do not tolerate fools .... Ie my husband

Dallasty Thu 21-Mar-13 13:11:34

I'm a man, and I read yer post. Just wanna say that we're not all like this absolute tosser of a guy. To use your condition as an excuse for his demeanours is despicable. So sorry for you. Just wanna say that i'm thinking of you and wish you the best.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 13:14:20

yes, whatEVER happens in the future, tell everybody what you know and HOW you knwo it so that HISTORY can not be re-written. The old re-writing history chestnut is an absolute classic. one minute you think the script is 'you cheated/hit me/stole our life savings' and you are trying to work out what to do next based on THAT, and then somehow, you forgive a little bit, and suddenly the new script is 'well if YOU CHANGE TOO, if you work at accepting, me and showing me more love and up the pom pom cheerleader support for ME' then, maybe, we can get through this.

Sorry if that sounds really jaded.

CATSNDOGS Thu 21-Mar-13 13:18:53

how truly awful. what a despicable man. your relationship wouldn't have been normal as you were fighting cancer, so he can go off and seek out another relationship? Um, no!!!!!!! Utterly utterly nasty behaviour. everyone has expressed what i would say and you are getting brilliant support on line, so so sad. i hope you are ok.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 21-Mar-13 13:44:32

Your husband must be due home soon - i just wanted to say you'll be fine. I'd wish you luck, but you won't need it. You are worth ten of this moron - don't waste your time listening to him justifying himself, just tell him to go.

You are an inspiration, and your strength will serve you well.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeysbignuts Thu 21-Mar-13 13:51:05

He's just trying to deflect blame from himself op. Big hugs and stay strong, you have done nothing wrong and don't deserve this x

Inertia Thu 21-Mar-13 13:52:16

Words fail me- how much more despicable can one man's behaviour get?

He has an affair while you are battling cancer, then has the nerve to blame you for his affair because you had cancer? You went through numerous operations and all kinds of medical treatment for a life-threatening illness, and he's having a crisis because he's going fucking bald?

And as for the sheer hard face of the OW- she's suffered so much? What , while she was shagging your husband while you were on the operating table?

It's not paranoia that makes him tell you to avoid telling other people what he's done. He knows full well that people will be disgusted with what he's done, and he wants the chance to rewrite history first. Do not stint on telling the truth to anyone that you think needs to know.

Glad to see you are feeling strong enough to handle this, but please don't be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. This sounds like the ultimate betrayal after a horrendous time in your life.

Well done for putting his stuff out- if it's the first thing he sees he'll know you mean what you say.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 13:53:48

Starting ʻto get a bit nervous as he will be home soon i know he is going to try and wiggle out and blame me for everythin

Dinosaurhunter Thu 21-Mar-13 13:54:34

Op I'm so sorry you are going through this , you sound so strong though and I think your children are lucky to have a mum like you x

NinaHeart Thu 21-Mar-13 13:55:35

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are ok (well, as ok as can be). I just don't know what to say, my jaw has dropped so far as his crass and unreasonable behaviour.

FaceCake Thu 21-Mar-13 13:58:07

Inrealshock Good luck. He will try and wriggle out of any blame, and put it all on you. Do not believe him You have done nothing wrong, he's a vile bastard. Hold your head high and tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to stay for the night.

PeppermintPasty Thu 21-Mar-13 13:58:08

Good luck OP, wishing you (even more) strength.

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 13:58:39

You need to tell him to grow up, be a man and take ownership of his own decisions

Gigondas Thu 21-Mar-13 13:59:29

Inrealshock-sorry you are going through this. If you feel you need another outlet, the tamoxifen thread is for anyone who had or has cancer.

I know you aren't posting directly about that but there a few people on there who are going through or been through relationship break ups with cancer (at least one other poster had a not so dh who didn't do cancer ) so do come and hang out if it would help.

I wish you luck. Reading this was one of the most shocking things I have read during my time on MN.

Be strong. Retain your dignity. What a miserable worm he is.

IsItMeBU Thu 21-Mar-13 14:03:28

I don't even know what to say OPhmm what a pathetic excuse of a man!

Stay strong and don't let him out anything on you

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 14:09:13

Ok and thanks for the advice re tamoxifen thread - i have been on those tablets for the last month and they have been making me feel unwell .. He knows this and still has behaved the way he did .. In fact i did not want to take the tablets in the first place because of the side effects but he talked me into taking them. My god i hate him so much for this I really did love him but what he has done is too great and that love has just vanished so quickly

aftereight Thu 21-Mar-13 14:09:35

I am speechless.
Your cancer has affected him?
He is having a mid life crisis?
There were problems before you were diagnosed?
He's only kissed the OW?
He gave her your phone number??
Fucking hell, he disgusts me. You are strong, you have survived cancer, and now he throws this at you?
Please, gather together all financial paperwork (inc pensions) you can, and make an appointment with a solicitor. Just so you have the facts smd can weigh up your options.
Good luck x

LemonBreeland Thu 21-Mar-13 14:11:41

OP just come across this.

Remember whatever he says that none of this is your fault. He chose to behave the way he did, and at a time when you were ill and vulnerable. Only he is to blame.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 14:18:58

Thank you Lemon I know from our phone calls so far he is going to try and wriggle out of this and blame me fo various things ... He will probably say that he has had some sort of breakdown or psychological crisis

He found your cancer difficult.

He is having a midlife crisis

He is worried about looking bad

He doesn't want people to know

He is losing his hair

It's all about him, him, him, isn't it?

What a selfish bastard.

And now he wants to wriggle out of this and somehow blame you and your cancer?

Am so, so sorry, op. The least he can do is show contrition instead of trying to give you these pathetic excuses.

She sounds cheap and nasty, with absolutely no values or scruples.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 14:21:17

Hoping the bin bags are out on the road!!!!!!

Let us know how it goes. Good luck xxxxx

By the way, if he starts trying to wriggle and argue about this, just tell him he has caused you so much pain, and the stress is too much for you while still recovering from cancer, so could he please get the fuck out leave?

Have your say first though.

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Mar-13 14:23:51

Thinking of you OP. He sounds like a prick. Hope you are standing up for yourself, and that he doesn't bang his arse on the door as he leaves, if he's giving you more of this self-indulgent, justifying bullshit. You deserve so much better than this x

Cherriesarelovely Thu 21-Mar-13 14:23:51

Wow, what an absolute bastard. I am so sorry OP. What an amazingly courageous woman you are to endure your illness and several operations. You have continued being a mum and a wife through all of that. You are doing so brilliantly. I am in awe.

He has behaved absolutely despicably AND he knows it, hence his fear that others will find out. First he say he had a mid life crisis, then that it is your fault and that things weren't right between you....horrible.

I am thinking of you. I hope you can stay strong and that you get all the love and support that you need from your friends and family. Thinking of you x

getthegirladrink Thu 21-Mar-13 14:30:36

He will re-write history and events to convince himself that he is not the lowest of the low, but he knows he is. It will all be a series of justifications.
There were things wrong before the cancer = I know I am a lying, cheating, cowardly, selfish, self-obsessed, spineless waste of skin but I am going to get in there and tell you, and anyone else out there, that I am not to blame.
Too late, mate.
OP, my thoughts are with you. Keep strong, you have done nothing to deserve this.

WhoDat Thu 21-Mar-13 14:39:20

Yugoslavia hasn't existed since 1992?!? hmm

GeorgiePorgiePudding Thu 21-Mar-13 14:43:51

Hope things are going well, Inrealshock
We're all thinking of you right now

Vagazzled Thu 21-Mar-13 14:45:33

My first ever; Leave the bastard

Thinking of you thanks

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 14:47:26

Still not here super nervous ... He said on the phone he just needed something for himself ie her !!! Like she was an escape from cancer and reality

Yes the yugoslavia thing was ridiculous - she called me darling and said we should be friends it was his fault and he pursued her. She said all men were like that and her father had affairs bloody hell she sounded like a real sleazy bitch cant believe my husband would let me and the kids down like that

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 14:49:14

I am so frightened of leaving him i dont know how i could rebuild my life and find a new partner ... I feel decimated and scarred by the surgery no one would want me

Catrin Thu 21-Mar-13 14:49:45

Just seen thread and am shock - what a cruel, selfish bastard.

Don;t let him bully and blame you - this is all his own work.

LulaPalooza Thu 21-Mar-13 14:53:11

I have read so many threads about cheating on here that I didn't think anything could shock me... but this has to be the shittiest thing I have ever read.

This is my first ever LTB as well.

Hope you're ok, Inrealshock

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 14:53:18

I bet loads of men would want you! You sound like a brilliant lovely amazing brave lady! I want you! grin

Where the hell is he? Putting it off til later so the children have to witness it all?

Who is picking them up from school? When will they be home?!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 21-Mar-13 14:53:26

Wow OP he really is a cunt of the highest order!

You on the other hand are an amazingly strong woman. I think people should know what a bastard he has been!

And do not be frightened of no one wanting you, that is just not true. There are some very amazing people out there who don't bat an eyelid at anything.

Catrin Thu 21-Mar-13 14:54:05

Right - first things first - you need to get all better and focus on you and the children. Do you really need a knob like him in your life? You have had CANCER! This is not bigger or scarier than that, few things are and you are kicking it's arse.
Second - there are nice men out there who would look at YOU and see YOU, your body is just the wrapping.

FaceCake Thu 21-Mar-13 14:54:58

Do not let yourself think that no one else would be interested because of what you've been through. A lady I know lost both breasts to cancer, she got an infection after her reconstruction and her chest was left flat and scarred. She found her DH after telling herself she would never find love, they've been together 5 years now!

getthegirladrink Thu 21-Mar-13 14:57:09

What gilly said, and puds
Deep breaths honey, you sound very, very courageous. You will get through this. The cancer was the hard stuff. You got through that, shows you can do anything.

AThingInYourLife Thu 21-Mar-13 14:57:23

"He said on the phone he just needed something for himself ie her !!!"

What a despicable cunt.

aftereight Thu 21-Mar-13 14:58:23

He needed something for himself???
What an utter cunt. And I never use that word.
You must be in itter shock, but please use your adrenalin surge to find your anger and let him have it woth both barrels, then tell everyone around you so they can support you and kick him to the ground
I will be thinking of you.

aftereight Thu 21-Mar-13 14:58:58

*utter

NinaHeart Thu 21-Mar-13 15:01:14

Inrealshock....now, today, you need think only of yourself. Do not worry about the future, it will fall into place. it does that.

Just for the moment, please, put yourself and your needs first. You really don't need this selfish man and his utterly unscrupulous and vile woman hanging (metaphorically) round your neck.

I am thinking of you.

akaemmafrost Thu 21-Mar-13 15:03:10

sad I can't add to the good advice but doesn't the silly twat realise that she will leave him eventually and he will be left with nothing? Young and glamourous, affairs are common in her culture? yep she's really going to be around for the long haul isn't she? What a pair of arses.

It would not be surprising if he delayed until the kids were home, using them as a shield to avoid drama and accusations. What a dick.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 15:05:10

another one shock in shock here at the justification "i needed something for myself". oh boy. What a sense of entitlement.

OP, tell mutual friends as this unwinds. I knwo you probably can't face telling people (yet) but as many of us on this thread can tell you, history will be re-written if you allow it to be. I'm glad for your sake that you have the screen shots.

InReal, you're awesome. I don't just mean you're fantastic, I mean you actually inspire awe in me.
How sad for him that strangers in the Internet can feel that about you, but he has missed out. You will find happiness once this drain on your life has fucked off- you beat cancer, you can sure as hell beat this.
As for finding someone else; the majority of people will see you scars for what they are, medals to your strength and bravery, not an excuse to treat you as though you don't matter. You DO matter, and deserve to feel that every second of every day.
Good luck OP, we're in your corner. You're awesome.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 21-Mar-13 15:07:03

Just wanted topop back and say I've been thinking about you. Hope you've kicked his sorry arse out of the door

shock and bloody hell sad

Try to hold on to the fact that you are a strong, courageous and dignified woman and THAT is the person you get to spend the rest of your life with. Someone respected and admired by strangers on the internet

He has to make to with a spineless, selfish worm. That's his prize for the rest of his life, to live with himself.

And please tell as many people as you can possibly find exactly what he has done. This is not your secret to keep

NicholasTeakozy Thu 21-Mar-13 15:13:14

I'm totally disgusted by this vile excuse for a man. To blame you for his behaviour is just revolting. Your best revenge will be to live a good life without him in it.

pausingforbreath Thu 21-Mar-13 15:21:25

He actually said he 'needed something for himself' - he did already; a good faithful wife , whom he wasn't expected to share.
I'm sorry he has been a total dick towards you and he has hurt you so badly.
Really, there can be no justification or excuse or valid reason for his actions , aside from self gratification and pure selfishness.

I know you must feel struck down by what you are ( admirably by the sound of it ) already facing and dealing with without this extra body blow.

He is so not important right now - you are. Expose him for what he is and get your support right now. His self importance and entitlement will make him the victim in this , sure.

But you are , what a complete dick, you deserve to be treasured and protected not deceived and cheated by an overgrown baby.

I hope his hair ALL falls out.

What an arse.

Bitchplease Thu 21-Mar-13 15:23:27

Just another one here dropping by to offer my support, I have a friend who went through something similar; although it was difficult she’s come out the other side and is happier now. You sound very strong and you will get through this.

ladyjadie Thu 21-Mar-13 15:25:20

"If you are losing your hair, you buy a hat, get hair implants, a wig."
any of these. Teamed with a sense of reality and humbleness- EVERYONE gets older. Fact of life. Not reason to betray someone who loves you anyway. Not reason to try to paper over his poor hurt pride in himself with a Band-Aid Bint. Fucking vain, up-his-own-ass DICKHEAD.

I think you might heal a whole lot quicker without this weak link. If he can't keep it in his pants in the hardest part of your life he doesn't deserve you when you're better anyway. Keep telling yourself that.

You have a sea of support here. And there is someone out there who will love you for your integrity and the strength you display so clearly.

CUUUNT. I actually shouted this out loud reading this. angry

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 21-Mar-13 15:29:43

Real,

You are in shock and will be for while, I just wanted to say that your scars are the battle you fought for your life, if you can win that one, then this one which is to come will be a cake walk in comparison.

Please think of what you want and not what others want of you, he will project all sorts of issues on to you but really its his way of avoiding the reality of what he has done. None of this is your fault if you can hang on to that one thought, then you are already half way there. Dont make any big decisions for the future ie finances house kids etc, until you have got the facts of what has gone on, and where you need to go from here.

The only thing that matters is you and those kids, everything else can and will wait, including him.

all the best lovey x

LadyFlumpalot Thu 21-Mar-13 15:32:12

No real advise, but sending you wishes and hugs. You sound like an incredibly strong woman who deserves so much better.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 15:32:37

Thanks for your support .... Hes still not home and my kids are due back from school any minute ... Bloody hell ... I will update you later re what happens

LadyFlumpalot Thu 21-Mar-13 15:46:55

Would he be waiting for your children to be at home as he knows you won't cause a scene in front of them? Can you send them to a friends or to your parents for the evening/night? Can you get a friend round for moral support, just to sit in the kitchen unseen? It will make you more confident and if he gets aggressive or scary you have someone there.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 15:47:54

For goodness sake. Where is he? Why isn't he back yet?

Can the kids go somewhere else like to a friends house or grandparents?

Arghhhhhhh I'm frustrated and upset for you. Stay strong x

Inertia Thu 21-Mar-13 15:54:22

He has probably stalled on purpose - can you ring any of your friends or family to see if they can take the children for today ? You shouldn't feel scared of telling them exactly why you need their help.

As if his behaviour wasn't cowardly enough, he is planning to hide behind his kids. He is an absolute worm .

MunchkinsMumof2 Thu 21-Mar-13 15:56:27

So your 'd'h is a coward and a cunt, your life will be so much nicer without him. I hope you can stay strong and please don't allow him to put any bame on you, he's a spineless cocklodger <I don't swear normally but am angry on your behalf>

He is a coward and a liar - no way was it 'just kissing' and how dare he blame anyone but himself?

It's interesting the slight disparity between their versions - ow, 'hmm, well, men have affairs it's no big deal...' and him - 'things weren't right between us, it's because I'm bald etc, etc. etc justification etc etc.

really the guy has no balls - and he knows this, hence the panic that other people will find out.

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 16:00:59

He needed something for himself! So you got cancer and he got a mistress. Riiiight. He really is a twat.

You are worth so much more than this. Don't forget that.

Fleecyslippers Thu 21-Mar-13 16:06:02

Utter wanker.
You are doing amazingly well. Stay strong. You deserve so much better than this.

Do you reckon he has gone to her to get their stories straight?

giraffecrossing Thu 21-Mar-13 16:10:27

Well, as others have said he is an absolute shit. You needed him like never before, you were fighting for your life, and he betrayed you.
He lost his hair? Wtaf?! His wife lost her breast. I can't imagine how painful it is that he went off and found some perfect looking woman.
You are understandably unsure of your post-surgery body, but I just wanted to say that when I have noticed a woman's mastectomy scars what I see is a warrior. Any future man worth his salt will see the same.
And you certainly sound like a warrior.

BestestBrownies Thu 21-Mar-13 16:10:43

OP I am so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you have RL support and agree with all the other posters. Sending you lots of virtual courage. You can do this!

SW1XMother Thu 21-Mar-13 16:13:06

As much as I can understand that it wasn't easy for him too while you had breast cancer I would kick him out just for using your breast cancer as an excuse to cheat. Absolutely horrible.

I can't believe he's not home yet.

Too scared to face the consequences.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 16:15:59

He was expected home at 2pm and its now 4.10pm

WHERE IS HE?

Idiot angry

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 16:16:13

I would be tempted to tell him not to come back until the kids are at school tonorrow

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 16:18:42

I agree.
Kids will be home soon (if not already), soon it will be time for some food, TV and bed!

He's missed his chance for today as far as I'm concerned. He can stay in a hotel for the night and come back tomorrow morning.

FairPhyllis Thu 21-Mar-13 16:19:34

What a cheating piece of shit. I'm so sorry OP.

the delay will just give you more time to put more of his stuff outside.

Or to start making copies of financial stuff.

He is obviously crapping it and has stopped somewhere while he thinks up more revolting blaming excuses.

aftereight Thu 21-Mar-13 16:20:43

My counsellor mentioned to me today that a relationship is only viable if the unfaithful party takes full responsibility for their actions. No matter what their motivation, or their perception of the state of their primary relationship, the decision to cheat was theirs and theirs alone.

Please do not let him put ANY blame onto you.
I really hope you have some real life support?

Nobhead Thu 21-Mar-13 16:23:01

This is possibly one of the worst things I have ever read on relationships topic. What a massive wankshafting cunt he really is! Who the actual fuck does this to their wife, the mother of their children. Men and Women cheat which is bad enough but to do it to someone who is probably at their lowest and most vunerable and then to have the fucking gall to then say "I needed something" is just utterly vile. Yeah cos I'm sure your wife wished for cancer when she blew out the candles on her birthday cake it's only fair you should get something too. shock hmm angry angry
OP- you are amazing and don't let anyone (including yourself) convince you otherwise. Urgh he's just so disgusting. Tell everyone you know what he has done, take an advert out in the local paper if you need to- he deserves everything he has coming to him. Take him to the fucking cleaners in every way you can. Dispicable.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-Mar-13 16:24:19

You think you've heard everything then... Am so sorry OP, you deserve more than this, hope you have good support from rl friends.

YellowTulips Thu 21-Mar-13 16:24:24

Wow - not sure how much lower someone can go.

I have read about some awful situations on this thread but blaming infidelity on your wife's cancer descends to a level of quite incomprehensible vileness and cruelty.

It really is all about him - needs, wants, feelings, support. They top trump everything else including the health and well being of his family.

Did he think about the consequences of putting you at STI risk whilst undergoing cancer treatment?

I would much rather have scars on the outside (and I have a corker btw!) like you, than a black heart on the inside like your husband. Believe me the former is much more attractive however you may feel at the moment.

I rarely say walk away, but in this case I am really struggling to see how this situation can be salvaged. How can you ever forgive (never mind love and trust) someone who has betrayed you at a very vulnerable point in life - the time you should be strongest in your support?angry

OP here thanks keep strong. I doubt he is worth 10 of you. xxx

^ very much agree.

It would be a whole different story if he was heartbroken by how hurt you were or at least accepted what he'd done & didn't voice his 'excuses'.

RoverClover Thu 21-Mar-13 16:25:44

What a twat.
The sheer unbelievably selfish thing HE has done, yet HE is not too blame???!! What???? He can't even face you, what a complete waste of space he is.

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 16:25:58

Speechless

He's late. That's shit.

Leave some of his essentials outside & your self respect intact OP thanks

NandH Thu 21-Mar-13 16:40:49

OP, only just come across this! ... I feel sick just reading it so I can't imagine how you must be feeling!

You ARE strong enough to do this, you 100% deserve better than this! And it is all HIS fault! Do not be guilt tripped into thinking otherwise!

After everything you've been through this will be nothing, and worse your free of this utter cunt you will feel so much better!

You sound like an amazing woman so please don't worry about not finding someone else, you will, and you'll be looked After and respected and treated how you deserve to be treated!

Don't listen to his or this other sluts womans rubbish!

Get your friends round for support, we're all here to listen and help but you will need rl support also!

Sending you all the strength you need right now thanks

This is shockingly similar to the way my parents split up. My dad moved in his ow to our house, supposedly to help with my DSis, whilst my mum was in hospital having her first chemo.
Mum finding out about the affair was horrendous at the time but in the long run we have been so much better off without him.
You have fought and won against much worse. You can overcome the hurt he has caused you.
It is entirely his fault. He is disgusting. Do what is right for you and your children. He is not your concern at all.
I realise I sound harsh but I'm just so angry on your behalf that he would put you through this after everything you have already come through.
Btw, we found Macmillan cancer support really helpful with practicalities after the split. You might want to get in contact with them.
Take care

Loulybelle Thu 21-Mar-13 16:44:03

Drama Thats seriously awful and shocking!!

brianbennettfan Thu 21-Mar-13 16:47:59

De-lurking to say you are amazing, Inreal.

No chance, I suppose, that he has got sucked into a 'go-compare-ad-style' black hole on his way home. No? Pity.

Have just written on another thread that there are some lovely posters on Relationships to whom I would like to give a shotgun and a get-out-of-jail-free card, and you, Inreal, are one of them. Have some thanks instead.

What an absolute scumbag of the highest order. Urgh. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

Hopefully he's had an accident on the way back that has resulted in the dismemberment of his penis and testicles and that is why he is late.

Inertia Thu 21-Mar-13 16:55:43

Inreal, sorry to say this but YelliwTulips raises a very important point above. There's no telling what kind of STI your husband has exposed you to. This is something you are going to need to see your doctor about, unfortunately.

Bluelightsandsirens Thu 21-Mar-13 16:57:09

Just seen this and wanted to add my support, he is a vile selfish prick.

NinaHeart Thu 21-Mar-13 16:57:18

Whereabouts in the country are you Real?
I feel inspired to come round, give you a hug and a cuppa, look after your children and punch that knobhead. (i am generally speaking very non-violent.)

IsItMeBU Thu 21-Mar-13 17:13:41

Hope your okay OP

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 17:14:14

I was going to say the same thing... Where about are you?

If you lived close to me i would be over straight away!!!!!!!

Chockyeggpants Thu 21-Mar-13 17:18:03

Wow. Just wow.

clam Thu 21-Mar-13 17:22:08

I bet he's deliberately delayed coming home so that the kids are back and you therefore can't cut his balls off.

Chockyeggpants Thu 21-Mar-13 17:23:30

He's losing his hair is he?
If he'd care to venture round MN towers we'll relieve him of his cock with a blunt knife too.

Rugbycomet Thu 21-Mar-13 17:27:47

Using a rusty cheese grater would be my weapon of choice on the cheating b*****d

Chockyeggpants Thu 21-Mar-13 17:31:35

Nail scissors.
Tweezers.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 17:33:51

OP hasn't posted for a while... I'm wondering if the rat has turned up.

practicality Thu 21-Mar-13 17:36:55

His behaviour and choices are very poor.

Passing it off and using the cancer as an excuse really cowardly.

What I will say is that he needs to be sent a clear message that he is in all likelihood about to lose you and that sending him away immediately will get this message across.

I don't know but I would hazard a guess that this affair isn't anything to do with the changes to your body but a form of escapism for him. Not everybody has the same level of coping skills. Perhaps his lack of maturity is to blame. I think what he has done is unacceptable.

This is all tremendously sad. I hope you are okay.

The STI check is even more important because of compromised immunity through cancer treatment.

ArseAche Thu 21-Mar-13 17:39:50

OP _ I am so sorry you are going through this. Totally undeserved, especially on top of what you have been through. If anyone needs to explain anything to your DC it will be him. As for him paranoid about other people finding out, how dare he. Looking out for himself yet again, because he know he will look like the biggest lowlife scum to his friends and family, which is exactly what he is.

Wishing you all the strength to get through this xx

wtf is it with stupid bastards like this that when the going gets tough in thier marriage they find someone else.

I'm so sorry OP xxx

monkeysbignuts Thu 21-Mar-13 17:44:56

I hope your ok op! You will absolutely find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve, with respect and dignity x

mathanxiety Thu 21-Mar-13 17:45:26

Hoping you have managed to find a friend to send your DCs to this afternoon to play or whatever, and that you are now busy belting him with the heaviest frying pan you could find.

flutterbynight Thu 21-Mar-13 17:48:13

I just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you. You sound like a strong, courageous woman - it is a shame that you're having to use some of that strength and courage to deal with this immensely shitty situation but there is surely a brighter future waiting for you without this man in your life (other than as far as he needs to be for your children). Wishing you well OP.

VitoCorleone Thu 21-Mar-13 17:48:36

This really is one of the most shocking, heartbreaking threads ive read on here. He is a vile, disgusting piece of fucking shit, i hope the cunt gets everything he deserves.

I hope your ok OP, if this was me his stuff would be in the garden and he wouldnt be getting anywhere near me, because i dont think id be able to control myself.

saintmerryweather Thu 21-Mar-13 17:59:48

What a fucking twat, you are amazing op, youve been through so much but youre still so strong. you deserve much better than this

Bitchplease Thu 21-Mar-13 18:05:01

I hope he's at least had the guts to show himself by now. Hope tonight is. Ok for you x

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 18:22:01

Ok so hes back and i have even punched him slapped him and pulled his balding hair
Yes he did sleep with her
I am ok but feeling exhausted
I will post back tomorrow with an update
I will get through this

You WILL get through this. Love "pulled his balding hair" - not generally a violent person but he certainly earned that, I think.

HUG.

Poor you.

I hope he has taken his bags and left. And that you will be able to take his pension. angry

SucksToBeMe Thu 21-Mar-13 18:27:46

hmm

I had big fat tears rolling down my face reading your first post, he's a cunt.

rhondajean Thu 21-Mar-13 18:28:08

Op just found this. Another one adding support.

I just saw this on another thread, it seems appropriate to add here...

perfect

onefewernow Thu 21-Mar-13 18:32:36

Whatever you do, please please please put your health first. Food, sleep, child care /domestic help, and daily counselling if necessary.

Many of us who have experienced infidelity know that these would be ideal needs for anyone in your situation.

For you, a necessity.

BeQuicksieorBeDead Thu 21-Mar-13 18:50:35

One of us is bound to be nearby if you need something or someone to help... Can't believe anyone could be so shitty. What a cunt. Selfish selfish cunt.

OhChristHasRisenFENTON Thu 21-Mar-13 19:08:39

This is just awful OP, he is beyond lowest of the low.

We are all here, collectively behind you. I hope you can feel the strength of support for you.

{{FentonHug™}}

mathanxiety Thu 21-Mar-13 19:12:32

OP, don't let him stay under the same roof. It will drain you. He needs to sort out a couch somewhere for himself.

Betrayedbutsurvived Thu 21-Mar-13 19:16:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

JudithIscariot Thu 21-Mar-13 19:20:05

How did the woman get your phone number? What country is she in? What a cunt he is. I hope your treatment is going well. Anyone who takes the piss like this I struggle to understand.

monkeysbignuts Thu 21-Mar-13 19:20:29

I would kick him out op. Big hugs and stay strong x

nosferatu Thu 21-Mar-13 19:21:36

whatever you do , DO NOT BE ALONE. Get someone to get the kids out for you so you can have a proper cry and a scream. it is up to you if you will forgive ( some women do) but either way you need to embarass him big time.

badinage Thu 21-Mar-13 19:51:24

My guess is that now the OW's given him an earful for lying to her about your illness, he'll suddenly change tack, start sobbing and pretend to have a breakdown because 'he's ruined it all'.

his life, of course, not yours hmm

Teahouse Thu 21-Mar-13 20:02:03

You are a strong woman and you can rebuild your life.

You have your children and it sounds like a lot of support.

Continue to be brave and hold your head up high.

Good luck

practicality Thu 21-Mar-13 20:16:20

O.P. I understand how furious you are but you don't need a criminal record on top of every thing else.

You know you have crossed the line here don't you?

You should have just not let him in and avoided this. I hope your children didn't witness this.

There is a reason everyone has been saying take some time out and remove him from the home- it's to avoid these extremely emotional confrontations and help take some of the heat out of the situation.

PeppermintPasty Thu 21-Mar-13 20:21:40

I don't think now is the time to be lecturing the op. The situation is far from ideal all round, we all know that, the op knows it.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 21-Mar-13 20:24:28

Also delurking with flowers for the OP.

practicality Thu 21-Mar-13 20:27:09

Actually it isn't a lecture it's good advice. O.P really shouldn't repeat this in the interests of self preservation.

Her H could very well hold her to ransom over this and she needs to be in control of both the situation and herself.

ChateauCollapso Thu 21-Mar-13 20:27:51

I don't often post but had to as am truly shocked by his behaviour. How can he not be eaten up with guilt and disgust at himself. Look after yourself as you're the only one that matters. For better for worse, in sickness and in health - clearly means nothing to him. What a selfish c**t.

YellowTulips Thu 21-Mar-13 20:34:34

Ok, so violence isn't great, but quite frankly I admire your restraint OP.

I think I would have been tempted to relieve him of his manhood.

But you know what...he isn't worth it. Indifference and apathy are the only emotions he deserves.

Don't feed his ego - it's big enough already. It's ALL about you now and what you want and need.

He's not the prize here - you are. thanks

AllOverIt Thu 21-Mar-13 20:36:30

Sending you strength OP.

He's not worthy of you.

You will get through this.

thanks

LineRunner Thu 21-Mar-13 20:45:44

It is poor advice to suggest anyone ever has been right to get into a confrontation.

The OP needs to remove herself from the crap, frankly.

bootsycollins Thu 21-Mar-13 20:59:37

You will get through this, and when you do you'll be a better, stronger version of who you are today, he'll still be a middle aged balding cunt untrustable unloveable bastard [ grin].

You really will get through this thanks

ChippingInIsEggceptional Thu 21-Mar-13 21:18:27

Oh love - what a pathetic twat he is. I am so sorry he's done this to you on top of everything else sad

I hope you have sent him packing.

OhToBeCleo Thu 21-Mar-13 21:21:42

Just when I thought that nothing on MN could shock me anymore

Wow. I don't usually post in the relationships section as I have very little helpful advice, but I am just so appalled at his treatment of you. Beyond contemptible. I hope you kick him straight out. You need to put all your energy into your own wellbeing and not waste any more of it on such a pathetic, cowardly two-faced idiot. sad and shock and angry for you

SpecialAgentDaenerysTargaryen Thu 21-Mar-13 21:49:23

Each cheating husband seems to be getting more and more evil on MN. sad

He needs to leave, not just for you but what an example to your children, I am so sorry you're suffering. This cunt didn't even take into account STI risk or the effect emotional well being has on serious illness! angry

Also demand the truth about this OW. I mean Yugoslavia?! WTAF?!!!! IT HASN'T EXISTED FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS!!

As if all this wasn't enough, something is extraordinarily suspicious about the OW.

TDada Thu 21-Mar-13 22:40:28

hug

Rugbycomet Fri 22-Mar-13 06:17:53

How are you this morning OP????

Thinking of you as I am sure you haven't had a decent nights sleep x

AllOverIt Fri 22-Mar-13 07:07:56

Hope you got some sleep OP

gilly86 Fri 22-Mar-13 07:25:50

Morning all

OP hope you're ok.. Was thinking of you last night! Just finished a 12 hour nightshift shock <tired>

Xx

Ruprekt Fri 22-Mar-13 07:38:25

You think you have read it all then you read this!

I wonder if he wriggled out of it...........

Stay strong OP. smilesmile

NandH Fri 22-Mar-13 07:56:12

Morning OP!
Just come on here to check your doing ok...and see you havnt been back in a while!

Hope you've managed to get Some sleep and your thinking straight, don't disappear!

KEEP STRONG, your a strong woman and I admire that!

Inrealshock Fri 22-Mar-13 08:04:59

Hi am feeling ok and managed to sleep a bit last night but am feeling so angry. He made me toast this morning telling me he was giving me the last slice - bloody hell does he want an award ?
We have agreed to have marriage counselling - i am making him set it all up and on monday he is going to an sti clinic in London. I put the fear of god into him re stis and upset him the stressand cancer link.
Just upset and that bloody picture she sent him with his ten out of ten comment haunts me

ScottyDoc Fri 22-Mar-13 08:08:37

Glad you managed to sleep a bit OP. After this awful betrayal though, is there any real point to marriage counselling? They usually do it again somewhere down the line. sad

Are you going to get checked too? I agree re is it too late for counselling? I am not sure I could trust him again.........

aftereight Fri 22-Mar-13 08:26:47

OP, glad you slept a little.
If you're not kicking him out..
Shirley Glass's book - Not Just Friends - is great, it helps to explain how you may feel and react in the coming days/weeks/months, whatever the relationship outcome.
Please get some RL support with the practical stuff (childcare, household stuff etc). In my case I allowed my cheating H to stay and handed all the practical stuff over to him, as I couldn't function. It worked for me. My H also arranged counselling himself for us.

However, I do think your shock may be allowing you to minimise what your H has done. Truly, your story is shocking, and your husband has betrayed you in the most vile and cowardly of ways.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 08:29:46

Joint counselling implies you accept some blame for what has happened

Why would you do that?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 22-Mar-13 08:37:54

Having been where you have, I would strongly advise against marriage counselling at this stage - your marriage is not the main issue, his behaviour is.

Individual counselling for him is fine but until you have processed your emotions and have made a decision about your future, relate is a waste of time. You will be far too numb, shocked and confused to make a decision for at least a few months. Also because he chose to shag OW at such a terribly low point of your life, I very much doubt you can come back from this dreadful betrayal.

He needs to be taking a long hard look at himself - get him to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Op hope you are ok xx

bootsycollins Fri 22-Mar-13 08:50:14

He doesn't deserve a second chance, seriously do you think he deserves one? You deserve so much better than this love. He isn't the man you thought he was, you can't trust or rely on him. Concentrate on building a new life for yourself and the dc's and you good health, you need to surround yourself with family and friends who genuinely love and care about you and your well being thanks

I am sorry but I know you have had an awful shock. Letting him continue life at home is telling him that you dont matter. That he can do this again, and he will just have 24 hours of unpleasant atmosphere. No other repercussions for him. He will learn to cover his tracks better. Because he knows he can. 24 hours of drama at home is just a small price to pay for the many many hours of pleasures a new woman gives. Accepting what he has done and moving on is silent accept for what he WILL do. This is who he is. sad

Can you not at least ask him to move out for some time while you decide what to do? Even if you have decided to forgive now, just to give you some space to work out what you really want to do? It will do him good to sweat it out and think he has lost you. Rather than just making a point that you are getting toast. angry

Inrealshock will his job still require him to travel / stay away from home? If it will, I'm sorry but I'm not sure the counselling will work. The temptation will still be there for him.

What opportunities are there for him to get another role within his company which doesn't require travel?

((((((hugs)))))) for you though.

Owllady Fri 22-Mar-13 09:01:34

please tell him to leave, I never say LTB but you really dod eserve so much better than this fat balding shallow man

NinaHeart Fri 22-Mar-13 09:02:30

Real, just wanted to check in with you this morning.
So much advice on here for you and I don't want to add to it - mainly becasue I don't know what to say, I'm not you - just an exhortation to be strong and look long term, rather than how it is now.

Just logged on to let you know I'm thinking of you Inrealshock. I'm sceptical about marriage counselling working - couples counselling seems to imply you both share the blame. You did not do anything to deserve this sad Your not so DH seems to genuinely think he can just wriggle out of this by being kind for a bit and making you toast. I agree with what PureQuintessence said a few posts up that even if you intend to try to repair your relationship, you need some space from him, both for your own sake and for him to realise the gravity of what he has done, what he has risked and may have lost.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 22-Mar-13 10:10:32

OP sorry to hear this has been happening.
From my own experience you need to give yourself time and space.
As said earlier-he has had this affair for sometime you have just found out. Take as long as you want. You and your health and you DC come first before anything else
I'm six months down the line and more confused than ever but I know exactly how you feel right now and it's tough.

NO!!! to MC yet. It won't help.

He needs to work out why he did what he did - he might well be going through a crisis of sorts, and I expect your illness did takes it's toll, but that doesn't explain why he behaved so very badly, no excuses. IC for him.

IC might help you too - my self-esteem went through the floor and even months later I couldn't talk about H's affair without crying. It helped me get stronger to deal with whatever might come and I was able to cope with the thought that we might end up apart.

THEN... when he has accepted his failings, realised and admitted how disgusting his behaviour has been, THEN MC to help your marriage recover from this and perhaps also look at the things he think were wrong before (if there were any).

So sorry x

May I just say that whether OP's H deserves another chance or not isn't the point. The main issue is what the OP wants to do. H can wait for her to decide - and that might take a long long time. Tough. He can just wait.

IsItMeBU Fri 22-Mar-13 11:15:15

Glad you slept abit OP!

Don't rush into anything your not sure about make him wait! You have find absolutly nothing wrong in all of this please remember that and don't let him twist things

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 11:50:57

I'm sorry to read he is still there and trying to gain medals for making toast.

Couples counselling suggests that your relationship caused this when it didn't. Don't go anywhere near it.

LeslieWrinkle Fri 22-Mar-13 11:58:28

Hope u r ok. he sounds like he is weak. he was tempted. he felt entitled to somthing for himself so he didnt put up a fight. like the others say marriage counselling would suggest that the affair was a symptom of a bad marriage. he had a good marriage, but wanted a little something extra for himself. if tens out of ten are being held up, id give him a one out of ten. he gave you the last slice of toast. how gentlemanly. he thiiiinks he is a decent man???

LeslieWrinkle Fri 22-Mar-13 12:01:57

ps, i hope this doesn't sound flippant, but i remember reading in the paper after ronan keating's affair with his backing dancer that he and Yvonne were renewing their vows. I remember thinking that she should have made him go and renew his,while she had a massage, or she should have sat at the back of the church waiting while he renewed his vows. and joint counselling in your shoes makes me think of this. I think counselling on your OWN would help you a lot more. It will help you decide where you are going to draw the line. It will encourage you to believe that you're entitled to draw a lind at all!!

Because while he feels entitled to 'something for himself' you doubt this I think. Doubt that you would even be entitled to put your foot down. Afterall he came back and gave you the last slice of toast.

oscarwilde Fri 22-Mar-13 12:03:45

I would disagree slightly about couples counselling.
Surely it allows the OP to vent in a safe environment at least initially ? Longer term value from the sessions, I would agree are likely to be limited as it does imply fault on both sides but there is the opportunity to move to single counselling sessions which would help her to frame her thoughts. With a neutral third party in the room it will be harder for her (D)H to dissemble and make excuses for his behaviour and cast a cold floodlit light on his behaviour. It should become very apparent to the OP whether or not her husband is in any way remorseful and help her to make up her mind as to whether or not she should LTB.

oscarwilde Fri 22-Mar-13 12:04:37

Oh and I would grind up the toast and sprinkle it in his underwear drawer. grin

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 12:43:36

OP would be helped by going to counselling on her own, so she could vent there. But only as long as she didn't encounter some dozy counsellor who warbled on about men's 'unmet needs' or somesuch rubbish.

Grrrrr I that damned phrase 'unmet need' badinage!!! I frequent a US relationships forum - it was v useful in the early days and I've learned a lot but the OW section is full of people warbling on about 'unmet needs' as if the people are in an affair are babies that need to be spoonfed and can't actually talk to their spouse and tell them what needs they want met!!! angry

<calming breaths>

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 13:08:37

Yeah, my mate went to one of these counsellors. In that case, it was quite useful to have her husband there though because he completely wrong-footed the therapist by saying that he hadn't had any 'unmet needs'. Mate says it was like watching a goldfish opening its mouth without words coming out. All the counsellor could splutter was 'Why then?' but she didn't seem to believe his answer and kept taking them back to the rows they'd had during his affair hmm. They stopped going, not surprisingly.

SW1XMother Fri 22-Mar-13 14:31:08

He cheated on you while you had breast cancer. He then tried to
blame you for it. Sorry, no marriage counselling in the world would do it for me.

aftereight Fri 22-Mar-13 14:57:57

I disagree about counselling being inappropriate. Counselling for us was a way to frame our talking about what had happened and why, in a safe environment. At no time was it suggested that I was in any way to blame.
As the counsellor pointed out, DH and I have children together so will continue to have a relationship for the rest of their childhoods, whether as a couple or merely as co parents.

Inrealshock Fri 22-Mar-13 15:51:35

I am still so upset and even more so now. She knew I had breast cancer and still went ahead. He told me that she made him feel alive. i just feel so sick.

Owllady Fri 22-Mar-13 15:55:33

oh sweetheart, of course you feel sick sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Mar-13 15:57:20

Wow he is a special kind of something isn't he, something that lives under a rock I'd like to squish.

Oh, god, inrealshock - I can't believe he isn't having the decency to just grovel and apologise at this point rather than trying to "explain" his behaviour.

Bloody hell - "made him feel alive" while you were bloody well fighting to actually be alive. Twat of the highest order.

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 16:03:38

You said yesterday that:

she said that she did not know about the breast cancer but i doubt that would have stopped her

So are you believing him over her now? Is he seriously saying that he told her you had breast cancer and she went ahead anyway? And doing so in such a way that you'll think even more badly of her?

Isn't the point that he knew you had cancer and went ahead anyway?

How do you feel about him discussing your illness with the woman he was having an affair with? Because that's precisely what he's admitting to have done, in his attempts to besmirch the OW's character hmm

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 16:12:08

And FFS anyone who takes a risk that could change their whole lives feels 'more alive'. You'd have felt more alive of you'd had an affair - anyone would. But so do people who undertake extreme sports. It means nowt.

Oh, it's shock after shock isn't it.

Why is he telling you this tho - who cares about her - you know she is a stupid bint. As badinage said, he knew.

Op, please tell your friends - tell them that he has been shagging his perfect woman since you last came out of hospital. Their reaction will help you I'm sure.

Is he still staying in the family home and making toast? Will a bedsit help him feel more alive?

TheThickChickPlottens Fri 22-Mar-13 16:29:28

That sounds like a justification rather than an apology.

I've just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. How much more 'alive' can one feel when facing cancer? It is life and death. He's a shallow, shallow man. Just thinking of his own pleasures and his entitlements. Life isn't just about sex.

Sorry that you are going though this on top of everything.

InSearchOfPerfection Fri 22-Mar-13 16:34:51

She made him feel alive....

But his wife going through 4 serious surgeries and having some real serious health problems wasn't enough to make him 'feel alive'??

I had a boyfriend telling me that he liked having one gf after another because at the start of the relation (passion!) and at the end (despair?) there was a lot of strong feelings that were making him feel alive.
I would have though that your DH would have felt very alive worrying about you and your health. Or he should have.... sad

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 16:38:41

I doubt this was even much about sex and doubt even more that it was about the OW's looks.

It's far more likely that this is a chronically selfish man who thought he was entitled to an escape from tough times, especially a period when for once he had to step up to the plate a bit, do more at home because the OP was ill and cope with the focus not being on him for a change.

If he had the good grace at least to admit that, instead of bleating about being unhappy before her illness, when the cat mysteriously made away with his tongue and so it's the first the OP's heard about it, there might be something to salvage here in time.

But selfish twats who want to blame anyone other than themselves for their twattery, deserve no houseroom.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:39:35

OP,, watch out. He is trying to deflect his bad behaviour on the ow so you will start to blame her instead of him

Pretty soon he'll have you thinking it's you and him against the world, and against her

Don.t stand for it

His only priority is himself

Doha Fri 22-Mar-13 16:43:17

why is he still in the house?

Has he actually expressed remorse or regret? Has he seemed at all sorry for his actions?

That is what would bother me most right now. If any man who loved/s you can see your pain and confusion and NOT be remorseful he wouldn't be worth wasting any more time with. And IME reconciliation is a damned hard slog for both of you - if he isn't on board now will he ever be.

Twat!! angry

Mmmnotsure Fri 22-Mar-13 16:45:19

OP - What he did was awful.

But it's what he is doing now - what he is saying, how he is trying to escape responsibility - that shows you what he is really like. And it's even worse.

I am not sure he should still be at home. I don't think it is good for you or helpful in this situation.

So he's still rationalising his actions and trying to justify his despicable actions? shock I think this shows his true colours - even after being discovered and seeing how devastated you are he is still making excuses. So so angry for you. I agree with others that this cretin hits a new low as far as all the posts I've read on MN go. So sorry for you Inrealshock

lottieandmia Fri 22-Mar-13 19:41:44

This thread had made me angrier than any thread I have ever read about cheating on MN. What a despicable, disgusting man - how dare he treat you like this OP when you have been so ill? And how dare he blame you because you have been ill. You deserve so much better, please don't think that because you have had cancer nobody else will want you - it simply isn't true.

Stating the obvious but he also knew you had breastcancer, and he went ahead embarking on an affair. And he is the one who is married to you.

Dont be angry with her she is just a stranger. She does not care about you.
And neither it would seem, does he. sad

I am also wondering why he is still there, and what he has to say for himself.

Loulybelle Fri 22-Mar-13 23:31:13

He told me that she made him feel alive

Yeah, while you were fighting to stay alive.

That says one thing, He did NOT think about you at all

VicarInaTutu Fri 22-Mar-13 23:50:25

i wouldnt agree to anything - no counselling - yet.

you need time and space for yourself right now. i would ask him to leave while you work out your options and what you want.

if he has any shred of decency left he would do that for you.

i would start counselling alone. Then invite him in when you have worked out a bit more for yourself what you need.

good luck.

tightfortime Sat 23-Mar-13 00:03:24

Just found this thread. The anger here is palpable and justified.

I am enraged and not just the 'cancer' thing which is bad enough but his behaviour since you found out, that stupid bitch contacting you, his appeasement to keep you sweet. It's actually terrifying.

You, on the other hand, sound fucking amazing.

By all means start counselling together. Any pro worth their salt will soon demand that you are seen separately. That's what happened me. But really, you are wasting your time. This man is all about himself, me me me.

Fuck him and his perfect 10.

KirstyWirsty Sat 23-Mar-13 00:25:40

I agree with the ones who say kick him out and give you both time to think about what you really want

Sorry you are going through this .. He is a shit of the highest order

jynier Sat 23-Mar-13 00:52:58

So sorry OP for your dreadful experiences! No advice but sending best wishes, x

OhToBeCleo Sat 23-Mar-13 08:20:56

I agree with the majority OP, he's making excuses for his behaviour rather than showing any remorse or regret. With that attitude he's a leopard who won't change his spots.
Having said that....if you did opt for couples counselling I have no doubt that a counselor would expose his selfishness pretty quickly and show him for what he is. Just be realistic about your expectations of counseling as I hear it can be a grueling experience. Do it if it will make YOU feel better, not him.

KirstyWirsty Sat 23-Mar-13 08:36:35

Counselling is only worthwhile if everyone is honest

I went with my stbxh to try and repair our relationship and he lied and denied he was having an affair throughout the sessions ( in fact he went to a 3 day 'conference' in the middle of the sessions and it turned out he was actually with OW)

How are you today inrealshock?

BrigitBigKnickers Sat 23-Mar-13 10:04:57

Make sure all his family and friends know what a shit he is. If he was my son I would fucking disown him.

Feckless worthless human being.

I would be out for serious revenge if he was my DH (a misnomer if ever there was one- Dear is the last thing he sounds.)

Ruprekt Sat 23-Mar-13 20:03:58

How are things OP?

Inrealshock Sat 23-Mar-13 21:04:45

Feeling exhausted and angry and a huge mix of emotions. So sad because I thought I knew him and I clearly didnt. So disappointed as I felt I had really turned a corner with the cancer - I had just come to an end with my cancer counselling and I was starting to come to terms with my new body then I find out what he has been up to. Not sure I
am ever going to get over this.

aurynne Sat 23-Mar-13 21:26:17

Inrealshock, my heart goes to you and I feel so outraged and angry in your name... I am trying to put myself in your H's situation, and I really can't do it. If in a blind attack of selfishness and idiocy I could betray my partner in such a horrific way, I can't imagine any other reaction that confessing and begging for forgiveness. Never in my wildest dreams could I try to justify what I had done and blame it (!!!) on the person who has just gone through hell and back and trusted me to be their protector and their support.

What your H has done is unforgivable. Whatever you do and whatever happens I just hope you can get over this horrible time of your life and find happiness.

mathanxiety Sat 23-Mar-13 21:36:09

Couples counselling with him setting everything up is a terrible idea. I let exH do this and came out of it feeling as if I had been run over by a steamroller.

I still advise you very strongly to tell him to leave and give yourself space to feel the feelings you feel about the betrayal instead of being stabbed in the heart daily by such details as the generosity with the last bit of toast [bloody hell, it's not a Rolos ad you're living through is it?]

Hatpin Sat 23-Mar-13 21:43:49

You are a strong woman and the only thing that will weigh you down during your recovery is this selfish, selfish, pathetic excuse of a man.

Is he still at home with you? Has he offered to leave to give you some space to think things through?

onefewernow Sat 23-Mar-13 21:47:26

Inrealshock, I really do understand what the roller coaster of discovering infidelity in a long term marriage feels like. I was recently there myself. I am really concerned for you that it is so hard at a time like this to caretake your health, and keep it that way.

Please do try to put in place a plan of any sort that works for you, next week, to help you over the stress and the shock. You really must.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Mar-13 22:03:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeLily Sat 23-Mar-13 22:31:02

OP I've just come across this thread and I'm so shocked.

Wishing you lots of strength. Get people in your corner. Tell them the truth.

Don't leave the bastard...kick him out.

Inrealshock Sun 24-Mar-13 08:08:51

Schmaltzing thank you so much for telling me about your mum that really helps me.

Jaynebxl Sun 24-Mar-13 08:24:45

Is he still at your house? In your shoes I'd ask him to go stay somewhere else while you work through all this. He needs to realise life isn't just going to carry on as normal and he needs to work at putting things right, if that's even possible,

Inrealshock Sun 24-Mar-13 08:46:58

Yes still here I dont see the logic in him moving out. I feel in a complete state today

Loulybelle Sun 24-Mar-13 08:55:19

Logic is, to give you some space.

The other reason is to send a strong message to your h. At the moment he's fucked you over but he still is smarmy about making you toast. Getting him to leave - for however long- would show him, no, that he doesn't get to do that, it would say clearly, look these are consequences of your actions, being apart from your lovely home wife and kids...

Because while he is in your house, he doing all the little things to make you feel good/better. I.E. making you tea and toast. And he doesn't have to face up to what he done.

It's only when he had he is living elsewhere doing his own washing/cooking (hopefully you are not doing this anyway) not being with you and your DC all day well he see what HIS action have done.

You can still go to relate to work through what happen and how to move forward from it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 24-Mar-13 09:14:36

Going away and giving you space is the only thing that will make him face the consequences of his very selfish, entitled and cruel behaviour.

LOSS is the only thing that motivates cheaters - loss of his family, home comforts, domestic services etc is likely to make him think hard about his actions and should you decide to take him back, he is more likely to want to look at himself and make some changes.

newbiefrugalgal Sun 24-Mar-13 09:15:10

You don't have to kick him out permently at this stage. You are in shock and need some time and space.
So ask him nicely to leave the home to give you space.
Think about arrangements with DC which will suit you, no point in having pop in and do bedtime each night -wont make much difference.
He needs his own space time to work out why he has been such a f£&kwit.
Excuse my language I'm so so angry for you.

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 24-Mar-13 09:47:56

At the moment he's seeing no consequence to his actions so the logic of kicking him out will solve that & give you space to think about the way forward. While he is there you will probably get coerced into things you don't want by him-don't let that happen.
What he has done is as low as it goes, I'm so sorry you have got to deal with this shit. What an absolute wanker.

tiredemma Sun 24-Mar-13 09:51:51

blaming your cancer?

utter cunt.

At the moment, all he is learning is that him seeking his pleasures elsewhere has no consequence to him. He has been lying and deceiving for so long, and putting a mask on at home with you, saying all the right little things will by now be second nature to him. For him, it is just a question of calming you down so he can continue. He knows that it is just going to be a rocky week or two, and then he can get back to her, behind your back again.

It is not YOU he is staying for now. It is his home and his kids.

Agree pure, and it suits his persona of looking like a good guy around friends and family.

onenutshortofasnickers Sun 24-Mar-13 10:19:52

If he can do this to you at the time you needed him the most it makes me wonder what else is there?

And if you don't kick him out now, he will turn it on the other woman, he has already tried to blame you and the cancer. What a sick prick.

He will do it again, and if the OW lied that she didn't know about your breast cancer and she did, well, the two of them are probably waiting till it cools down.

He will arrange couple councelling and be super attentive for the next couple of weeks. Then things will have to go back to 'normal' as in back to work and allowing him out on his phone, but checking up on him, checking everything he does being paranoid. He will then blame you for suffocating him and tell you that you need to let it go, it has been a month now and he is sorry but you are making him feel bad and you are ruining the marriage and that it was your fault for having cancer any way. (all bull shit but he will say it along with other crap.) If he does arrange councelling he will either never get round to it as he know some one else will say he is to blame and if he does go he will say the counceller is against him and siding with you and a bad counceller.

He will then go back to the OW or someone else, more likely that skank. Then either the circle will repeat or he will move out with her, spend money like there is no tomorrow, forget about you and the kids, say he wants you to move out and sell and you deserve nothing and it was all your fault, he never really loved you, but he loves her etc etc

Then you will get harrasment from him and alot more stress and have to file for divorce, then he will say he is sorry, he wants you back, the grass wasn't greener, you are the love of his life- whildt telling the skank the sane story too.

He will tell everyone else the marriage was bad before the cancer and paint you out to be thr baddie.

All the while staying with him is teaching the kids it is okay to be in a relationship like that and treat others like that. And them having to deal with the fall out too.

And he wont get an sti test he will either say he did and that he is fine or he just wont, so go to the drs now and get that sorted.

Those things will happen if you try to 'work this out' and then he will make you think you are to blame. You are not. All the while clinging on to a glimmer of hope that isnt there-

Someone posted a mid life crises thread -mid life crisis for dummies?? - sorry mods if i am not allowed to refer to this but I think the OP would find it useful and helpful to read.

Best just to chuck him now, go to divorce laywer and make sure you get at least half. You only have 6months to file under adultery.

You are so Stong you don't need this king sized shit dragging you down.

ElegantSufficiency Sun 24-Mar-13 10:23:57

I agree, whether or not you decide to forgive him, if it turns out he is worthy of your forgiveness, you need him to experience loss as another poster said. If he is at home still, he will have no comprehension of what he is on the brink of losing here. He still has his home and his family and his kids and his creature comforts and you're all together under the one roof. sure, things are tense, but it'll superficially at least get back to normal.

you need him to move out so that he is forced to think about life as a divorced dad.

ElegantSufficiency Sun 24-Mar-13 10:27:20

only six months to file for divorce on grounds of adultery? that's ridiculous. Most people are too shocked and go into denial. it could be a year before you accept that the marriage isn't going to recover. so the six months should be extended to a year.

onefewernow Sun 24-Mar-13 10:37:00

I expect you are not eating or sleeping well and enessly talking and trying to process it all.

How about sending out for the most expensive bubbles you can buy and running a hot bath

Then eat a little.

It will do wonders to help your sanity.

Repeat daily.

The six months rule on adultery can relate to a recent adultery event that triggered the final break up. In my case XH did something with ow, I found out, he gave her up ...life carried on then I caught him out six months later and had him out within a week..divorce grounds were adultery (altho he tried to make it unreasonable behavior wink )

In any case, op, this is an awful situation and I think you will be in shock for sometime. What you think today, tomorrow is not likely to be what you think in weeks or months to come. For there to be any chance of you both making it through this he has a lot of work to do. And he would have to move hell and earth imo to make up for his appalling behavior.

I can see that your pain must be huge. Hard though it is given that he is your H who you thought was your best supporter I would really suggest that you look to others for support and have time away from him. It will be best for for both of you. Whilst its only natural to want to heal this by seeing loving signs from him, in the short term all you will see from him I think is a panic reaction...he will be terrified that he will lose his home and family and be hated for what he has done by those that find out.

onefewernow Sun 24-Mar-13 11:51:18

I agree it really pays to see the situation from the adulterers viewpoint. Not in terms of why he did what he did- that was his own weakness and not related to the marriage.

I mean to analyse his behaviour now, and to see the situation in terms of how he will be thinking.

Eg he is panicking, wrong footed, worried about how others will see him, on the defensive, shocked he has been caught and damage limiting. He is bound to focus on how your illness affected him and use that to milk sympathy.

Of course he will have found it a great strain for his wife to have been so ill. But there would have been many other ways for him to have relieved those feelings.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 24-Mar-13 12:13:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeLily Sun 24-Mar-13 13:34:50

OP how are you today?

bootsycollins Sun 24-Mar-13 13:46:58

Well said snickers, absolutely spot on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 24-Mar-13 14:36:40

He gave himself permission to sneak about. He banked on the fact you were dealing with this huge issue and otherwise preoccupied. He allowed himself a bit of pampering and ego stroking. It's all about him isn't it?

mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 15:32:57

I think you are partially blaming yourself for this -- you have talked about doing your best wrt sex, and about your body not being a '10'. I think somewhere deep down you feel he had a reasonable reason to do what he did, and that your cancer was something you imposed on him in some way. If so, you need to snap out of this.

maanxiety shock I cant believe you are blaming the OP! shock

LineRunnyEgg Sun 24-Mar-13 16:20:13

Lottie, mathanxiety really isn't. She's suggesting that the OP may be partially blaming herself deep down and that she shouldn't.

LineRunnyEgg Sun 24-Mar-13 16:20:32

I think.

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 16:25:28

Math isn't blaming the OP; far from it. She's advised the OP to snap out of this flawed way of rationalising her husband's atrocious behaviour. No one's responsible for this but him and the OW.

Ah ok sorry!!! blush

biscuitnoodle Sun 24-Mar-13 17:56:49

Just read this whole thread, so sorry you are going through this. How are you today? Hope you are looking after yourself. Stay strong, you and the kids are the most important right now xx

scarecrow22 Sun 24-Mar-13 18:30:12

InRealShock, I so so feel for you.
I have not read all posts, but saw at start many which said leave straight away. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but I was in a similar situation as DH had an affair when I was recovering from a different sort of illness. I found out after it was over, and wished I hadn't. I half understood why he did it, though am still recovering from hurt. However I decided to stick with marriage as it was the first time. I did tell him I would never accept twice - only once is a mistake. It is just over five years later and I am glad we stayed together. My only regret is I didn't insist on couples counselling as I think we would (still!) benefit. But as I say it can work.
If it is your DP's first time and it sounds like he is taking it seriously perhaps consider the option of giving it a try?
I do not know the circumstances, so am not saying "do", only saying "maybe".
Above all my sincere good wishes and empathy with you. It will take a long time to heal, but I can promise you it can heal.

mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 18:54:10

<yes, sorry for my confusing post -- a man who has it in him to cheat is going to do it cancer or no cancer>

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 24-Mar-13 19:12:09

How are you tonight Inrealshock?

Inrealshock Sun 24-Mar-13 19:26:59

Feeling ok just really sad. I am not asking him to leave ... Sorry I just do not think that is the answer. He is full of remorse but for me it is just deeper than that .. You see I really so love him and I want us to try and work it out together.

You have to do what you feel is right, of course. I think people are worried that you are storing up problems for later on.

You say that he is full of remorse. I wonder how that is showing itself?
From what you've written here, he doesn't appear remorseful at all... sad that it's over, but not remorseful.

This was an on-going secret affair that he had no intention of stopping.
He lied about it.
He was paranoid about you telling people about it.
He claimed it was, variously, to do with your cancer, his hair, his age.
He suggested she is as much a bitch as him (she knew you were ill)
He didn't even come straight home?
He expected applause for giving you toast.
He now claims your marriage was in trouble.

Really, he comes across as disrespectful and completely unreflective. I'm so sorry that he is putting you in such pain when you were just beginning to feel better. Please take care of yourself.

ElegantSufficiency Sun 24-Mar-13 20:30:17

I agree with Mathanxiety's take and she is supporting the OP not blaming her! The op feels apologetic (?) for having inconvenienced her husband by having cancer.

Is he full of remorse, ie sad for himself that he got caught? Or full of remorse regards to how he has hurt you ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 24-Mar-13 20:43:35

Take your time OP this is your life and we are here for you and can only offer support and advice. It has been a shock and if you feel numb for now that is quite understandable. The only thing I'd say is you do have options.

I'm wondering how your DH is making it up to you. From what you've posted here I would agree with Thisisaeuphemism upthread that he is sorry his behaviour since your discovery does not indicate remorse or a desire to change his character. His response has been cowardly, disrespectful of you and unrepentant. Actions speak louder than words and his actions seem to indicate that he thinks he's got away with this and he can carry on how he likes (after a brief period of being more attentive, and magnanimous gestures such as giving you the last piece of toast hmm and throwing a few soothing words your way amidst all his justifications, excuses, rationalisations...) It makes me so sad for you. You deserve better. Much better.

Don't know why there's a random 'he is sorry' in that post. Should have proof read!

Doha Sun 24-Mar-13 20:46:08

He is full of remorse because he got caught and you have discovered what a weak pathetic selfish man you have married.
He only stopped because you found out and god knows how long this would have gone on for if he hadn't been found out.
OP can l ask are you still with him because you are scared of being on your own and feel that no one will want you scars and all?

Honestly you deserve so much better than this twunt

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 21:33:30

I should think right now he is only remorseful about getting caught. Far too soon for genuine remorse because if you hadn't found out, the affair would have still carried on under the guise of a business trip.

lovesherdogstoomuch Sun 24-Mar-13 21:51:02

OP, you know your husband better than anyone. but take care. the Mners are giving good advice. stay strong love. do what you think is right. positive vibes are coming from me to you and i don't even know you! so. be good, be healthy. x

saravalerie Sun 24-Mar-13 21:58:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

whateverhernameis Sun 24-Mar-13 22:08:23

Have just read this whole sorry thread sad

Your H needs shooting. His lack of care and concern for you is shocking

ProphetOfDoom Sun 24-Mar-13 22:38:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 23:05:12

There is love and there is being a doormat.

InRealShock -- there can be no real love without respect and you need to make him see that he needs to develop respect for you. That can't be done by unconditionally loving him right now. He will misinterpret your gesture and hurt you again. He has already demonstrated himself to be 100% selfish and devious, and this will happen again unless you are prepared to make him respect you.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Mar-13 06:39:57

Your love is not enough for him. It needs both of you to be committed to the relationship.

To work it out together, he needs to be doing ALL the hard work required.

I am afraid you are in for even more pain and distress if you continue to cling to him.

birdofthenorth Mon 25-Mar-13 07:52:48

OP just read the thread and wanted to say how sorry I am. It is still very early days and you don't need to make any decisions now.

Of course you don't want to throw your marriage away without working at it but please don't let him undermine your self-esteem and recovery by allowing you to think his response is in any way a justifiable I the context of your illness. He could have lost you, and yet rather than cherish every minute with love and respect and give you the unconditional support he promised on your wedding day he sought out cheap thrills elsewhere. I know a future without him is terrifying but he has an enormous amount to prove if he can ever be worthy of your future too. You need to be able to know that what life throws at you in future you are on the same team come what may.

Inrealshock Mon 25-Mar-13 16:32:58

Yes I know he does seem to be full of remorse though - me wanting to stay with him has nothing to do with fear of being on my own because I just don't have that fear. It is more based on the fact we have had a pretty good relationship for 12 years or so and I think together we can make it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 25-Mar-13 16:42:33

I know you said you were due to go on holiday together this Easter. He will still be 40 and losing his hair when you get home. A mid-life crisis is something he can indulge himself when you are well again and by that I don't mean fawning over some OW. I hope to God he has a long hard think about where your marriage is headed. Don't wear yourself out puzzling over what went wrong, life is gruelling enough at present. He has to make a supreme effort now more than just toast for breakfast.

ElegantSufficiency Mon 25-Mar-13 17:03:33

Even if u plan to forgive him. leave him wondering for a while. at the moment he must be thinking "well, that wasnt too bad" . so even if u belueve it is worth saving, let him experience uncertainty and fear for a while. otherwise the message u HAVE just sent him is that cheating is not a dealbreaker. u need to make him realuse that it is.

AThingInYourLife Mon 25-Mar-13 17:03:34

Which part of "I needed something for me" is remorseful?

You may have had a pretty good relationship for 12 years, but when the chips were really down, when you really needed him, his priority was indulging himself at your expense.

Now you know for sure that you can't rely on him to be there for you.

If that's all you want from a marriage now, then that's up to you.

But it seems to me that you are selling yourself way short by staying with a man who would still be shagging his mistress with the perfect body if you hadn't caught him.

Inrealshock Mon 25-Mar-13 17:06:48

God I feel in such doubt now

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 25-Mar-13 17:14:08

Your health is paramount your self-esteem too but for now, did he go to an STI clinic today as planned? Are you getting yourself checked over?

Inrealshock Mon 25-Mar-13 17:18:25

He is in London now getting a full set of tests at an STI clinic - the results come back tomorrow and the next day - sorry to be ignorant but if they are clear will I still need to be tested ?

crabbyoldbat Mon 25-Mar-13 17:19:48

he does seem to be full of remorse

Two things:

Its not what he says, its what he does that matters - ignore any apparent changes of heart he tells you about (anyone can say what they think someone wants to hear), and look at his behaviour over several months.

Also read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

I don't doubt you've had a great relationship and actually I think you could have again, if he did the work, - but not at the moment - I mean basically he's got away with it, you've forgiven him, you'll even work harder on the relationship with him! ie counselling. But why wouldn't he do it again? - he clearly enjoyed it enough to do it for four months at your most vulnerable - seriously how can you trust him now?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 25-Mar-13 17:39:37

I don't know tbh but I'd want to see something in writing, can you trust what he tells you? Think personally for my own peace of mind I would go ahead and get checked.

AThingInYourLife Mon 25-Mar-13 17:42:59

Is he still asking you to keep his shagging a secret?

If so, then that's what the remorse is about.

He wants to keep his reputation as the big man who supported his wife through cancer.

And he wants to keep it, even at the expense if denying you support after he cheated on you in the cruellest way.

Kind of like how he wanted to have bareback sex with his "perfect body" girlfriend at the possible expense of your life had you contracted an STI from him, from the sex he was putting you under pressure to have while you were undergoing cancer treatment and he was shagging around.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Mar-13 18:30:11

I am sure that if you look back at the previous 12 years, you will remember incidents where he has been selfish, entitled and put his own needs first?

I would ask to see the STI results and seek advice from your cancer specialist about whether you need to get tested as well. Make sure he is present when you speak to the specialist - he so needs to know that his actions actually has put your health at risk angry

Doha Mon 25-Mar-13 18:46:10

Don't want to panic you OP but STI testing generally includes HIV testing which even if negative today can be Positive in 12 weeks as it sometimes takes up to 12 weeks after sexual contact to show up in the blood

Inrealshock Mon 25-Mar-13 18:52:53

Ok I am just so scared now

ProphetOfDoom Mon 25-Mar-13 19:04:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElegantSufficiency Mon 25-Mar-13 19:07:33

That's awful. You need to be able to discuss what happened with your friends and family.

I would tell him that you need to tell your mother, sister and friend. YOu NEED to. YOU have to have their support and you deserve it. He can't deny you that. Or he shouldn't.

How could you possibly knwo what to do ? :-(

beginnings Mon 25-Mar-13 19:10:42

Inreal I would get tested as well if I were you. STI testing is not 100% accurate so even if he tests clear, he might not be. And as Doha said, HIV testing can take a while to show up.

riskit4abiskit Mon 25-Mar-13 19:26:15

so sorry this happened - he is utter scum and you sound so brave and lovely.

I wish you were my neighbour and I could come and shout at him for you

Doha Mon 25-Mar-13 20:02:44

I wish you were my neighbour and I could come and shout at him for you

I would go a bit further than that for you with a pair of blunt garden shears.

If he wont "let" you confide in your friends and family, he is not only an adulterous shit, but a controlling and manipulative shit too. angry

newbiefrugalgal Mon 25-Mar-13 21:28:45

OP - PM if you want to vent privately - I've been where you are (still am actually - not with the Cancer sorry but with the discovery)

Don't be scared of the STI just be sensible and get tested, no need to upset yourself at this stage.

I know I said this before but you don't have to rush anything, you can take as much time as you want and you can talk/confide in whoever you want. You may not want to tell every person walking the street but a close friend or your mum will really help. If not just keep on MN - someone is always around, even if posts are a little harsh. People really do care about you in the end and bring loads of experience to the forum.

Sorry enough from me -I hope you are ok tonight.

I agree with others who have said you need to be able to discuss this with RL friends and family. I am so angry on your behalf that he is trying to keep it all under wraps, to protect himself. Erm, sorry, but as far as I see it he waived his right to keep his reputation and cushy little life intact when he had an affair. It's not up to him to say how you process this bombshell. He should be bending over backwards to make it easier for you not himself.

mathanxiety Tue 26-Mar-13 00:36:40

If he had an ounce of remorse he would not have wanted you to keep this under your hat.

What he has is not even close to remorse. It is panic that he has been caught and desperation to limit the damage to him. Forget you.

badinage Tue 26-Mar-13 00:53:40

OP it's not true remorse you're seeing at all. It's fear and a hope that everything can go back to normal.

Please do get your own STI screening and talk about the risks you've potentially been exposed to with your cancer specialists.

I think you're probably both in the 'denial' stage, but this is why it's very important to talk to others about what you're going through, in order to make it 'real'. At the moment, you're in a bubble where you can almost convince yourself this hasn't happened, because on the surface, no-one would know any different.

But for your husband to truly acknowledge what he has done, he needs to face up to people knowing about it because right now, he can also pretend this never happened.

The person who caused the pain can't be your comforter; it's a conflict of roles that will damage you. But you do need your own source of support in real-life because with the the best will in the world, cyberspace cannot hug you and dry your tears like a good friend might.

Please consider getting some space from him and talking to someone who won't judge you for either wanting to leave or to stay - and who doesn't have a vested interest either way in your decision.

Inertia Tue 26-Mar-13 07:00:50

It's natural to feel doubt. You've been cheated by the one person in the world you thought you could depend on.

It's natural to feel scared. He has risked your life for his sexual thrills.
Personally I would want to see evidence of the results - he's proved that you can't trust him and you have no reason to start trusting him again until his actions justify it.

He doesn't get to decide that you cannot tell people what he's done. You need real life support, you can tell who you like. He doesn't own the secret - this is your life too, and you need support which is independent of him . He wants the world to think he lovingly supported his desperately ill wife - of course he doesn't want people to know what he's done. And he still doesn't sound sorry for what he did, he sounds sorry you found out.

Even if you want to remain married , you have every right to insist on it being on your terms. He doesn't get to dictate how the aftermath of his cheating is dealt with.

Inrealshock Tue 26-Mar-13 08:02:15

Why do I feel worse each day I wake up not better

Mosman Tue 26-Mar-13 08:07:49

I was where you are 6 weeks ago and whilst it's still no picnic the hours in between thinking about it are getting longer and longer, it's maybe once a day instead of every waking hour and plenty that should have been sleeping hours too.
It will pass.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 26-Mar-13 08:21:53

I have been where you have (except for the cancer) - the reason why you feel worse each day is because the reality of his vile actions are hitting you now that you are no longer as numb.

You are realising he has been leading a double life - the deceit, lies and cover stories and that the past several months were a farce.

Also you are realising that he is NOT the man you thought he was.

All you can do is take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

I think you just need to make a decision. Do you:

a. Bury the affair. Recreate the lie that you have been living for the last 12 years (and I'm truly sorry but your "great" marriage was a lie), and just get on with things. Don't mention it to anyone, let the seed of mistrust, doubt and self-loathing for keeping this shit in your life, grow until you're just a functioning shell of a person. You may even manage to kid yourself that it never happened and was all a bad dream, or that it was all your fault and if you love him enough he will stop being a selfish, entitled wanker.

b. Grab your self-respect by the horns, go on holiday by yourself with the kids, and have a good, hard think about what you really want to do.

movingonandup Tue 26-Mar-13 09:09:39

It is normal to just want everything to go back to the way it was which is part of letting him stay.
It is normal to trivialise the affair and believe it was all her fault or some horrible mistake - a tiny bump in the road - and that life can continue again as it did before.
If you knew, right after an affair, for certain that the marriage was over, the trust was gone and that your future didn’t include him – the knowledge would feel overwhelming and unbearable so it is easier to block out such thoughts and carry on in a sort of daze for a while afterwards.

But one day those thoughts won’t be so unbearable and one day you’ll start to think that if it can never again be what it was, you’d prefer not to have him there at all.
In the early days you think of couples who have made their marriage work after an affair. What you don’t let yourself dwell on is the fact that, in these cases, both parties faced the problem openly and were totally committed to making it work. Your husband is more concerned with not losing face and glossing over this whole episode. Tempting as that is for both of you to buy into, it doesn’t work.

There’s no rush. Let him stay if you want to. Why should you be jolted into premature decisions? If that gives him false hope – so be it. There’s no reason to rip your life apart in one week just so you feel you’re doing the right thing.
In time you’ll see he’s not sorry (or not sorry enough) and the realisation of just how much deceit he has invested in the affair will hit you and gradually you will feel able to pull away from the marriage and strong enough to do it on your own terms. Don’t feel hurried – you have to do what you need to do to get through each day and each week right now. There are no shortcuts to facing up to what he has done and you need to give yourself permission not to be pushed into big decisions until you have processed everything and had to time to think. Unfortunately part of that process if feeling worse not better about what he has done. I really hope you can find someone to confide in - your mum or a friend or someone close by - as you need to have an outlet to work through these feelings that doesn't just give your husband the chance to twist things or make you doubt your feelings.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 09:20:43

Perhaps having had support from family and friends during your cancer treatment you don't feel you can ask for more support with something else?
Please don't feel you are alone or have to struggle single-handed.

This is huge but you have got to put your energy into getting well, I don't think you can fully fight on two fronts, for now take one day at a time. Do unburden yourself to someone you trust, it is not for H to dictate who you choose to tell.

QuintEggSensuality Tue 26-Mar-13 09:37:23

"Why do I feel worse each day I wake up not better"

The extent of his betrayal is slowly sinking in, I would imagine.

I dont think it will start feeling better until you have asked him to leave and you both really face up to what he has done, and HE start working to save the relationship. Only HE can do that.

Inrealshock Tue 26-Mar-13 13:11:52

Thank you everyone for all your comments and thoughts. I am reading the Shirley Glass book and finding it helpful

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 26-Mar-13 13:13:38

Glad you are finding it helpful - make sure he reads it too.

badinage Tue 26-Mar-13 14:00:32

I am reading the Shirley Glass book and finding it helpful

What's your husband doing then?

Inrealshock Tue 26-Mar-13 14:08:08

He's reading it aswell. I have told some close friends what has happened and this forum is helping me too

badinage Tue 26-Mar-13 14:12:54

and what have your friends said? When did you speak to them and did you see them face to face?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 14:17:31

Glad you have rl support too.

Inrealshock Tue 26-Mar-13 14:34:37

Yes I have a good friend nearby. She came and supported me the evening I found out. She understands my reasoning on wanting the marriage to work.

mathanxiety Tue 26-Mar-13 14:54:11

It is more based on the fact we have had a pretty good relationship for 12 years or so and I think together we can make it.

It can't ever be the same as it was before. An affair means you start again from scratch. Everything that went before is tainted by the affair. Everything that happens from here on is also affected. The affair will always be there, the 800 lb gorilla in the room. Dealing with it will always be a part of the relationship now

You wake up each day feeling worse because you are absorbing the shock of having a juggernaut driven through your marriage and your life while the person who drove it hovers around bringing you toast as if that meant something deep. That's a lot of unsquareable circle to deal with.

He has known about this from the start and you are just finding out. You need time and space. I second the idea of taking the holiday with the children but leaving him behind.

You don't have to make any decision any time, either soon or later. You don't have to communicate any intention or inclination within any time frame. You don't have to get over this or get through this on anyone's timetable but your own. You have the right to wake up one fine Tuesday morning and say, 'Time to draw a line under it all and move on,' whatever that moving on may comprise. And you have the right to change your mind and heart any time, and especially to seek whatever it is that you need for your own support in your life.

Inrealshock Tue 26-Mar-13 15:03:53

Math anxiety thank you I found your post really helpful

QuintEggSensuality Tue 26-Mar-13 15:06:45

What does your husband do to make the marriage work? Does he want to?
Or is he in love with the OW?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 15:07:17

I understand if you love him and want this all to go away, I can't say he deserves you), if you are doing this for continuity for the DCs then the danger is he might yet bring this house of cards crashing down, if he doesn't appreciate that he has to take responsibility and put work into figuring out why he did what he did, how it made you feel and where your marriage is heading. Please don't let him make out this is all about the disease and how threatened he felt, how was any of his affair designed to cherish you and your children? Don't mean to badger you Inrealshock but do vent on here if it helps.

onefewernow Tue 26-Mar-13 15:26:56

I agree with maths.

Something I found, and have noticed in others on longer term threads, is that at the start all the focus is on the details of the affair itself. You may discuss the reasons, but you aren't thinking so clearly.

As the dust settles, after 2-3 months, and especially if it wasn't satisfactorily bottomed out, many people start to see the connection between the affair and other general patterns in the marriage.

For example, some get to the bottom of old niggles in new ways. Some see a general pattern of selfishness in the unfaithful parties behaviour over the years which they had suppressed or ignored.

Especially if the man promises more changes than he really prepared to make ( or vice versa, if a woman). Many people have real trouble actually understanding what needs to happen and that the change is permanent.

Eg- and I am only conjecturing here- maybe your h has trouble being the person who offers support rather than receives it, in which case he may subconsciously see himself as entitled to what he did. Or perhaps he felt that support is a short term offer, rather than a sustained effort.

Inrealshock Tue 26-Mar-13 17:43:14

No he has been supportive in the past. He is egotistical though and a peacock and a sucker for compliments . He enjoyed her attention and playing the big man. I have seen him in a new and harsher light. As I explained to him re his balding head that he did not have a bloody clue. Some friends of mine had to have chemotherapy ( I did not but still may have to ) they lost all their hair including eyebrows and eyelashes.

newbiefrugalgal Tue 26-Mar-13 20:42:29

Great post Math and One.

onefewernow Tue 26-Mar-13 21:06:18

Then the cancer is a red herring. She flattered him just when you needed to have your eye off the ball, as he thrives on the attention being on him.

And it was instead on you- how sad for him. Not.

As you know from the Glass book, it isn't anything you did of didn't do, or anything you are or are not.

He was just being shallow.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 07:17:59

Yes he definitely was and is shallow. He has admitted it himself and he does seem to be full of remorse. Should we still go on holiday. Part of me wants him to come so he can do any of the donkey work and childcare ! I can always get an extra room in the hotel so he can be in another one with the kids.
I am pretty much on strike at the moment not helping him out but of course looking after the kids when they need me

newbiefrugalgal Wed 27-Mar-13 07:57:21

If you think you can manage I would suggest going by yourself.
The sooner he starts to realise what he may lose the better and a week alone might do that. And a great chance to give you time and space. Is there a crèche to help? Can you plan easy things to make it easier on you?
Eating out etc. anything that takes workload off you.
However can you trust he won't be up to
Old tricks back at home?

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 08:13:23

Its a hotel abroad with a kids club but part of me also just wants to keep an eye on him.
I am going to think about things and not rush into a decision about our future. I am still thinking that divorce is possible.
I feel a bit calmer and more in control today.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 27-Mar-13 08:30:42

Why do you want to keep an eye on him?

If he wants to cheat again, he will and there is nothing you can do about it. This is what Glass, Pittman and other infidelity experts say - its all about HIM and his issues & flaws...not you.

In fact if he chooses to cheat again, it will speed up the whole decision making process i,e you know that there is no chance of making it work.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 08:38:28

Yes you are right of course and i cannot spend time worrying about potential future infidelity

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Mar-13 08:58:02

If you feel up to it then go with the DCs, don't see why you should be denied a change of scene and break in routine. As said already if it is a question of out of sight out of mind for H he won't need you to be away on holiday to mess about. As far as the children are concerned he can be disappointed not to come but needs to work.

Btw I am sure you have shielded them from your rage and upset but it is hard keeping up a positive front for them. They may not know what is happening but it is surprising how often they twig enough to keep suggesting family activities and want both parents joining in, "Dad come too", "Mum, be nice to Daddy" etc. Yet another minefield of potential upset thanks to H.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 09:35:49

I know the kids sense something and i feel terrible for it. I wish I had a friend I could bring along on holiday in his place

If you can manage it, I think this holiday - without him - would be great for you. Put the kids in the holiday club - they'll love it - and then you can be by yourself for a bit, somewhere beautiful, and be able to process this terrible year you've had.

Have you suggested this might be a possibility to him? If so, how did he react?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Mar-13 09:57:43

At 9 and 7 they may know things are tense but a holiday will be a good distraction for them. i know it doesn't 'fix' everything long term but try not to look too far ahead.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 10:39:47

Ok its hard to not look too far ahead. I see so many options ahead. The cancer made me of two minds

1/ I realised / saw how much I loved him and was happy with my choices in life ( I wnet through quite a contemplative stage in August when it looked like the cancer might have spread and I genuinely thought I would not make it to Christmas)

2 / if my lifespan is going to be shorter than i would like ( i live in fear that the cancer will return - the first 2 years after diagnosis / treatment of my kind of cancer is the dangerous zone if you like re it coming back. I am convinced that there is a link between breast cancer and stress so all this drama cannot help me) , do I honestly want to spend what is left of my life with someone like him ?

do I honestly want to spend what is left of my life with someone like him ?

This is something only you can work out the answer to, and it may take time. Wishing you all the best thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Mar-13 12:03:58

I wish you could just concentrate on healing your mind and spirit without this extra stress. I'm sorry I don't know what will already have been offered to you as part of your treatment, is it possible to ask your GP about counselling?

Is there a local support group you can go to, I know upthread dramajustfollowsme mentioned Macmillan Cancer Support for example.

badinage Wed 27-Mar-13 12:22:43

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you if you're in sole charge of the kids, whereas he'll get a break if you go.

I'd go ahead with the holiday, book that separate room and tell him that you expect him to do the lion's share of the work on the holiday. Take the opportunity to rest up in the sun, read some good books and have all your meals cooked for you. As you're still not ready to live separately from him, I can't see any benefit from an arrangement where he gets to have a child-free break and you lose all your thinking time because you're rushing around being mum and dad rolled into one.

I'm saying all that in the assumption that you personally want to go on this holiday. If you're not bothered, there's always the option that he takes the kids and you get to have a rest at home?

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 12:43:05

To be honest i am desperate for a holiday if only to see the sun ! I am so tired of the weather in the uk at the moment. He can come along but trust me he will be working

badinage Wed 27-Mar-13 13:53:59

Yes I don't blame you! Bloody UK weather angry

I think it'd be fair to point out to him that if you split up, he'd better get practised at holidaying alone with kids to look after.

mathanxiety Wed 27-Mar-13 16:02:02

"part of me also just wants to keep an eye on him."

"i cannot spend time worrying about potential future infidelity "

But you do, and you will. This is the 800 lb gorilla already making his presence felt. This is a taste of how your life will be.

If you had not caught this man he would still be at it. You are all still embroiled in the affair to a large extent. Keep all of your options completely open.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 16:32:09

Thanks math yes i will keep my options open. I am not in a hurry to make a decision - i just have the 6 month legal window re adultery if divorce is the way it goes. I am starting to feel stronger and i know i will be fine and that he is the idiot.

onefewernow Wed 27-Mar-13 17:32:54

I am convinced that there is a link between breast cancer and stress so all this drama cannot help me

No, it cannot be helping you.

That is exactly why I focused upthread on the stress management stuff. And I still urge you to put a proper support plan in place around this.

One thing to bear in mind, which I swear is true, is that the affair is nothng to do with you at all. Please do not waste time worrying about whether he would have done this if circumstances or you had been different. He would still have done it. He is having his mid life crisis fun, and he would have anyway, regardless of whether you were the proverbial angel in the kitchen, bedroom and nursery, and in perfect health.

It is simply him seeing if he 'still has it', believing he wouldnt get caught, and wanting his ego stroked, and adrenaline pumped, by someone in that way one only gets in the first weeks of a new fling.

So, if you think logically about it, you could feel sorry for her. I did with my h's Ow (plural), innocent, messed up twits that they were. They meant absolutely nothing to him. It was all about him.

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 17:38:31

I remember just feeling some sort of weird comfort that I still had DH after discovery, we slept together had candlelight meals, long walks etc and it helped me get through the first tough time. When I was ready I moved out and made my decisions as and when I was ready to. Those few months were lovely like a honeymoon period and all the time I was being spoiled and cooked for etc I was getting strong enough to make my choices. Do what you want, when you want and don't be swayed by anything he thinks needs to be done.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 18:23:23

I feel ridiculous because I am relieved that the OW is not a threat - she is in anither country and I do know it was just a fling to massage his ego. He is just pathetic and I deserve better I know .. But at the end of the day i love him and want to forgive him i am just so bloody angry and my mood swings are insane.

onefewernow Wed 27-Mar-13 18:36:20

Everyone manages differently through this. I did hysterical bonding for 2 months, and then fell into a rage.

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 18:42:29

Don't feel ridiculous, what you feel is valid, I can understand 'fling' being less 'hurtful than new life partner, helps to feel that he might think you are more special after all.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 18:47:20

I am just worried about what came before ie has he been shagging about before or is it the first time ? I doubt i will ever know ... Can i be bothered to be a detective and uncover things. I also feel this insane rage with the OW - she knew i had breast cancer ... Bloody hell not only is he married with kids but his wife is sick ... How low can you go. I am insane for revenge and inhate seein that side in me . I want to be a good person

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 19:01:03

Its hard not to be cross with OW. 2yrs on and my DCs (30 and 28)still blame OW and will have nothing to do with them, Even though they can see I'mso much better off. They had that that idea that see had deliberately taken advantage of a very vulnerable man(probably true in my case) I can't remember how I got over anger but I did have counselling which did help.

AThingInYourLife Wed 27-Mar-13 19:07:38

I'm not defending her in the least.

But he knew you had breast cancer.

He knew you were fighting for your life.

Sure, it takes someone pretty cheap to shag the spouse of someone having cancer treatment.

But to be the person cheating on your seriously ill spouse?

Who is that person? Where is their humanity?

What is the worth of a person who justifies such monstrous behaviour by saying it made them feel alive?!

To say that to someone who was facing their own possible death within the past 6 months is mind fucking boggling.

You say he is remorseful. It's hard to imagine the kind of remorse that could even come close to making up for such wanton, evil selfishness.

You were at risk of dying, and he put your health at risk so he could "have something for himself."

How can he live with himself?

He should be full of (entirely justified) self-loathing. Is he?

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 19:09:03

Did you bother having marriage counselling or just individual counselling ? I am just at the end of a course of cancer counselling I am just sick of counselling and feel that I want no more !

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 19:15:50

Def Not together, I too was just coming to the end of counselling for something else but it wasn't specific like yours so I carried it on for about a year it helped me through all the stages, It was brilliant.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 19:18:28

How is your life now cjel are you happy with your decision

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 19:20:26

Yes he is full of self loathing . God I just do not know what to do. Part of me wonders if he has some form of mental health issue

mathanxiety Wed 27-Mar-13 19:22:37

Nobody is giving out medals for being a good person here.

Be careful that your need to forgive isn't simply a need to have some calm and a desire to put it behind you that arises out of an inkling of the scale of it. It won't go away even if you forgive. It will always be there.

You need time to really process this (you are still right in the thick of it) before you will be able to think straight or get through a day without the rollercoaster feeling.

badinage Wed 27-Mar-13 19:27:55

Isn't it only your husband saying that the OW knew about your cancer though?

When you spoke to her, she said she hadn't known about that. Plus I think it's unlikely he'd volunteer that info to her, lest she developed a conscience and wouldn't have an affair. I suppose he might have done the 'poor me, exhausted from looking after my sick wife' act, but the OW would have been spectacularly unconscienced to have agreed to an affair within that context.

Bear in mind it's in his interests to get you to hate the OW even more than you do, because that takes the heat off him.

Whether she knew or not though, what's indisputable is that he knew.

His mental health is just fine I should think. The thing that no doubt ails him most is selfishness.

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 19:39:38

I have blossomed in the last 18months. I did have days when I'd pass 'them' driving around and hardly get home through the tears and cry myself to sleep. I have moved to my own lovely house,(found builders plumbers electricians kitchen fitters, plasters)changed churches, started to run a toddler group I , I had eleven friends round last night!!! I could go on and on.. He wouldn't know any of the people I call friends now, I have never had friends like this before(we were together 35 yrs since 16) and although I have occasional times when I feel sorry for myself most of the time I can't fit in all I want to do. I haven't been out with anyone else and although I would love that someone special, decided to live my life how I want and if I meet someone thats a bonus.I have such compassion for him as although hes supposed to be happy with her the rest of his life is a mess and he looks awful.I'm not just rushing about for the sake of it, I do have days when I don't talk to anyone but its been fantastic. I remember you said your illness made you reassess how you want your life to be and I can honestly say that really she has done me a favour. I didn't wait for him to chose I led everything,settlement, moving out, selling house etc. he did nothing unless I pushed it. I'd advise take the time you need but make sure the choices you make are for you, it won't all be rosy but most of it has been and I wouldn't go back. I would have to meet a very special person to fit them in now!!!

onefewernow Wed 27-Mar-13 21:11:19

Cjel, that us a truly inspiring story.

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 21:16:03

Thank you. Glad to inspire!! I was someone who 'struggled' with nerves for years as well. OP it really is greener on the other side for me.

Inrealshock Wed 27-Mar-13 23:16:17

Thank you cgel ! Xxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Mar-13 23:24:57

Cjel hats off to you that is something to be proud of.

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 23:27:07

cjel, that is seriously impressive

Mosman Wed 27-Mar-13 23:47:53

Such s great post C x

cjel Thu 28-Mar-13 20:33:34

Wow just checked in tonight and couldn't believe all your nice replies. Thank you (I think I may ave something in my eye) How are you today OP?x

LifeMovesOn Thu 28-Mar-13 22:18:54

You sound so much stronger smile

My friend had a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer diagnosed two years ago. Whilst her husband wasn't cheating on her, their life together was governed by his oppressive, moody and unpleasant nature. When she found out about her cancer, she went home and told him, explained she had to go into hospital for a mastectomy, followed by chemo and radiography. his reply was not to offer support, but to ask "who would be cooking his tea, then?".

She spent the night thinking about it and realised that if she survived her cancer, she didn't want to be married to this person any more. And if she died, she didn't want to be married to him either.

She was divorced before the end of her treatment and has never been happier.

She decided life was too short to put up with constantly being second best. Her two sons supported her and are very happy for her, they finally saw what their father's priority was - himself - and that mum was their true hero.

Keep true to yourself, is her motto x

cjel Thu 28-Mar-13 22:26:06

I just remembered that I found a breast lump once. I took 3 days to pluck up courage to tell DH. He didn't even stop shaving and said what are you telling me for go and see dr. I did,got referred asked if he could take me to hosp appt. he said yes but never spoke about it - ever all the time we waited for appt, at the hosp or when we came out. He said it was too hard for him!! This was all in the context of my DS having it when she was in her 30s. I forgot how crap he was!!

fengirl1 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:36:15

Cjel, that has brought to mind the occasion when I took my two week old to the drs and then to the hospital as we (my x and me) had realised she didn't appear to be able to see anything.... He just said 'you'll be all right on your own wont you' - for that read 'I'm gutless and can't face it so I'll let you deal with it alone'. As it turns out, she's not totally blind, but does have a severe visual impairment. The pattern was repeated many times over the subsequent years.

cjel Fri 29-Mar-13 11:05:19

Isn' t it amazing what the 'weak - ill - mental'partner deals with !!!

Inrealshock Fri 29-Mar-13 18:20:14

Feeling a bit stronger but still very confused. I want to forgive him but not sure I can. We are going on holiday now so i doubt i will post anything for the next couple of weeks. Thank you so much everyone for all your help. I have had so much kindness from so many strangers this year that it is quite overwhelming.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 29-Mar-13 19:59:44

Enjoy your holiday, I hope you things become a bit clearer or that you can get some rest and space!

Have a lovely relaxing time and know that Mumsnet is supporting you all the way.

badinage Fri 29-Mar-13 20:18:29

Have a really good break, love. Carve out some thinking time for yourself and make sure that drama llama does most of the donkey work.

Enjoy your holiday and yes, as others said, make sure you allow plenty of time for yourself. We're all behind you.

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 22:26:06

Have a good break and Erving letting him do the slog .

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now