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Anyone been here?(63 Posts)
H has been ill with depression on and off all adult life. We have been married for 9 years and have young children. His depression has been bad this year, we have struggled "together" to keep everything going. He has now, out of nowhere just walked out on us. He said it was to give him space, that he had realised lots of stuff about himself during his counselling etc and that he had been much worse than he had let on and needed to get himself better. A week later it comes out he has another woman. Apparently they have only started to have feelings since we split the week before but have been friends as far as I can tell (secret kind of friends!) for 6 months ish? She is in a similar situation re mental health issues and also has children and a husband.
It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.
I am doing all the trying to get my house in order as it were so I can try and support the children (I'm a sahm) but when I actually think about "it" I am totally confused and tie myself up in knots
Darling I'm afraid that depression is no excuse for what he has done (and I say that as someone on max ADs). Yes it can make you selfish, but this is beyond, well, I'm speechless.
How old are your DC?
I didn't support him in the right way, I was stressed and prob a bi depressed as well, I know I wasn't the perfect wife but the impression he gave me and others I have spoken to is the problem he needed sorting was himself, by going out more feeling better about himself so I helped that by staying in every eve so he could go out etc. I can see how that had a negative effect on "us" but I always assumed if he ha a problem with our relationship then he would have said?
She "understands" him. My thought is if she didn't appear he would have either said there was a prob with us earlier and we would have had a chance to sort it, or he would have still left like he has to "sort himself out" as he was finding parenting hard and it was adding to his anxiety probs but that he would have given our marriage a thought, whereas now he has a new bit of fluff he is obviously not thinking about us at all and his kids seem to have fallen very low in his priorities way below himself and protecting his precious feelings (he wouldn't come home and kip in DS room last night when he was pporly like he used to, he knew it wasn't for me or any effort of mine to get him back just something to help his hurting son and he just said "he can't")
Exactly, you are stressed and possibly depressed; you had the same dissatisfactions in the marriage; but you didn't go and bail out to a third party.
It's hell when you discover your spouse has had an affair. You may have been 50/50 responsible for the state of the marriage, but he's 100% responsible for the affair.
Of course it's confusing. Recognise that you are in a time of crisis, and try not to make irrevocable decisions in the heat of the moment. But research your options now. Make sure you have a roof over your head and enough to live on in the short term (search for olgaga's excellent post on sources of practical assistance).
Do you have RL friends you can confide in?
Yes have some lovely friends in RL, all happily married though. A lot of my friends are now mutual friends of his as well (they were friends of mine I introduced him to as he didn't really have any friends) so its tricky as they all know him but all think he is being a total bastard as well as a prat as with all the issues they think he isn't thinking straight
OK, so he's said that he needed "alone" time to feel better, and now you're beating yourself up because of the negative effect that had on you as a couple? That's utter bullshit, you know that, don't you?
I have to admit that I wonder whether or not he is actually depressed or if he is using that as an excuse - it takes a lot for me to say that - everyone is different and can react in different ways, sure. But this sounds like it is true to the script - "I'm depressed and she understands me - it isn;'t my fault"
Similar. He was depressed, liked a drink and used to bend my ear all night long with his woes. I made allowances, made changes, even paid his way for a while to get him out of financial problems <slaps own forehead in disbelief>. Then he left to have 'some space' and ...ta-daa... there was an OW waiting in that space. She was more caring, apparently.
Bottom line is that you've been used, cast aside and it sucks. Nothing to do with being the perfect wife, nothing to do with 'depression', and everything to do with that age old problem of a selfish man that thinks everyone else should find him endlessly fascinating.
Sorry you're going through this. Glad you're working on an independent future. You may not appreciate it yet but you'll be 10x better off without this millstone.
"they think he isn't thinking straight "
Of course he's thinking straight. He's thinking 'me want new woman'.... very few brain cells required for that, mostly located in the dangly thing between his legs... 'Depressed' my eye.
He is a common or garden liar
No more, no less
What a fucking cliche
Don't you take any blame for this
He has been having an affair for some time, and he waited to leave you until his ducks were lined up
You are well rid of this emotional blood sucker
He is no longer your problem....you will see this soon, I hope
Thank you. I think he has been ill as she is a work colleague and I know they only met at the earliest 7 months ago and he was suicidal and all depression issues came to a head at least 5 months before he met her. He is totally thinking with his n*b. I am trying to be nice to him for the kids as where he is he can't see them there and so he is coming to see them here (plus certain things he has said about his mental state make me not want the kids to be alone with him). I don't want my kids hanging about a park or MacDs with him and he can't cope with both of them well on his own anyway tbh
If you are in any doubt as to whether he is fit to look after the DCs then listen to your instinct and limit access.
I am sorry for your trouble, OP. Seems he can think clearly enough when it comes to suiting himself, am guessing he and the OW weren't thinking in terms of walking out on their spouses and responsibilities whilst taking all the children with them? no, thought not.
He can manage to facilitate a sexual relationship with a shiny new partner, but can't cope with his own kids
He's certainly done a number on you, hasn't he ?
I expect you have carried this man for years, and you are still carrying despite him treating you like a disposable domestic appliance
Wake up, love
When are you going to stop mothering him?
Firstly, it's really difficult to be the partner of someone with depression. Particularly if they bottle it up.
It's not your fault in any way.
Professional carers have respite. We don't.
Secondly, I can imagine that they felt they could understand each other's illness. However, they haven't shared a life in common.
I doubt it will last long, TBH, if they both have depression.
Could you ask for supervised contact? Say, at his parents, or even a contact centre?
If he has/had suicidal thoughts, I would fight for no unsupervised contact.
I realise i have mothered him for years, he nursed his own mum through terminal illness in his teens and has looked for a mother ever since probably.
His family, like mine are 3 hours away so only supervised contact would be me being there or another friend I suppose
Supervised contact can be done with professionals, in a contact centre
If you have concerns for dc's safety when with him, that is actually the most sensible and certainly the safest option. I wouldn't impose on a friend to babysit your husband while he takes care of his own kids, and you shouldn't be expected to do it either
This a grown man we are talking about here
I have been exactly where you are OP, a number of years ago.
He's been having an affair and 'depression' is typical - could be midlife crisis but it's all absolutely so much part of the script. Do not let him put the blame for this onto you. Let him go and get on with it and just get support for yourself and your dcs - on here and in RL
He will probably want to come back in a few months. His 'depression' will clear up. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility. You have been cheated on and badly let down and there's no excuse for that.
It's horrible for you and my heart goes out to you. You will get through it and come out the other side happier than you can now imagine. Look after yourself, sleep, eat and do whatever you need to do just one day at a time
Don't shout me down here but... I don't want to be on my own and don't think I'll find anyone else. I know how pathetic that is and how stupid I sound but I don't want to be a single Mum
Not going to shout you down. That seems to be a common refrain on this board. This terror of being a single mum, I just don't get it. Is this pressure from your family and upbringing coming to bear? They would rather see you crushed and unhappy than free and single ?
I would rather be alone than badly accompanied.
In other words, no man is worth putting up with this shit.
Don't shout at me back...but love, has it slipped your mind he has dumped you for another woman ?
You will find someone else, when you move on from this piece of shit. But while you mope, cling onto an an inadequate man that can't be arsed to even stay sexually faithful to you and grieve for something that was actually a pile of shit....it's never going to happen.
Move on. Get some counselling to pin down while you have settled for so little for so long and this tiem next year you will wonder why you stuck it out for so long.
I know you don't believe me, and I know you won't accept it. But how many women do you see coming back to these boards who say they regret moving on from a useless man ?
Clue: it has a nought on the end. And no numbers in front of it.
You can't see it now, but being free of him isn't a negative. You will have space to breath and flourish. Think of all the times your life has been limited because of you carrying him. Think how nice it will be to be free of that. You will be a happy little family without him, a healthier family.
For now, focus on the practical things if you can. Finances, access arrangements etc. Try to detach from him and give yourself time.
Its not outside pressure, but a feeling I can't carry a family on my own.
My life has been limited terribly by him, I know all these things but I don't "feel" them, maybe its too early? It only happened a fortnight ago.
How do I go about getting counselling? I have literally no money at the mo, would it be free
Go to your GP and request it.
Love, you can carry a family on your own. This is what you have been doing for years plus carrying this man too. Imagine how much easier it could be if you only had to worry about you and the dc's.
Your mental and emotional reserves are low atm, because he has been an emotional vampire sucking the life out of you. But you are not depleted yet. Not by a long way. You posted here, and that was a great move.
He'll have ground you down so that your self esteem is on the floor and you think no-one else will ever want you. It's all so predictable to those of us who've been there and the fact is it's just not true: you are a worthwhile person who will be very much wanted and you've probably been putting all your energies into propping him up and looking after dcs.
Being a single parent is really not as bad as you think. In fact it's not bad at all. it's good - just like being a married parent except overall a lot easier most the time because you don't have to carry this entitled draining man. It's all about him at the moment - time to start looking after you
You're probably still in shock just now though so take it very gently. Your GP can refer you for counselling I'd try to get on the waiting list now
You are a single mum, honey - he's walked out on you and left you to parent your dc by yourself.
If you can resist the temptation to rewrite history you'll look back and see that, effectively, you've been a single parent to your dc since they first came into this world and the only difference now is that you no longer have to be distracted from your purpose by the need to parent a self-obsessed manchild.
I don't want to be on my own and don't think I'll find anyone else
Now that you are on your own, you can live life on your own terms and it could be you'll come to enjoy liberation so much, you won't want anyone else.
It's usually at this point that fate conjures up the spectre of sod's law and you find yourself with the task of choosing between a number of equally eligible suitors who have been drawn to your positive energy like moths to the proverbial flame
Life's short - don't miss out on this opportunity to make yours the fulfilling and rewarding adventure it was always intended to be.
Being a single mum is actually lovely. it might seem a daunting feeling at the mo, but when XP walked out on me and DD it was the end of the world. but actually, between me and dd we have a girlie night once a week, i popped down to local mum and toddler groups and met some lovely people in RL, and now have a new guy who treats me and dd the way we deserve. it might seem like it's a huge challenege (and this is gonna sound soooo cheesy) but things happen for a reason, and i think hun it's time to put you and your dc first. if you can save up pop away with them for a few days (maybe see family), just to chill and forget everything and then come back refreshed and tackle things. but if you have concerns about him visiting the dc i would go chat to CAB, and ask where you stand on supervised visits.
but hun, good luck and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, might seem like it's a disaster area but come a years time you will look at this knowin you've come out stronger and you're kids will see you are super mum!
Thanks, I do feel worn down, and things have felt lighter in the house without the constant tension. He couldn't handle the children so yelled at them and bossed them all the time so as well as looking after him I was also having to look after all their dealings with each other as he would get panicky and anxious and angry and they would get upset so I was always trying to keep the peace.
I am finding this so hard, he has thrown all this anger at me, how I moulded him all his life, how our marriage had been crap for years (all this I "heard" as I was sat in the OW's husbands car while the mad husband was yelling at my H on the phone, my H knew I was there but to save his sorry arse he started telling all this stuff to the man who wanted to rip out his balls)
It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.
This ^^ is what you said earlier but from what you tell us I wonder how long you have coped and put up with a lot. I understand that depression has a terrible effect on people but in some instances when confusion and pain and inability to cope is blamed on the person conveniently to hand, it is too easy to use you as a scapegoat.
Agreeing with the others.
And you can already feel the tension lifting.
Since I have kicked out ex, and, despite his criminal behaviour afterwards, life as a single mum has been much better.
No more tension, no more crying.
Mostly relaxed or laughing with DS.
And found someone else too, who, so far, has been really nice, with no dramas.
At some point I bet you'll be thankful that he left. Just make sure not to fall for his shit when he will want to go back
I know Lueji, she has sat on my sofa and I remembered her looking/being quite nice but when I looked on FB at her wowee she is the polar opposite of me. They are either a perfect match as she is everything I'm not, or they will crash and burn when the reality of real life kicks back in for them.
Can I ask how far down the road are you ladies, how long until I will feel as strong as you people sound?
He is an utter twat and you are better off without him.
Depression is crap- i have it- i would never do that.
He will soon realise the grass isn't greener on the other side, just you wait- and you are to be strong and say no, because you will realise how truly shit his treatment of you is/was and that you are better off without him.
If you worry for contact, go to the centres for supervised contact with professionals, i should imagine the CAB could give you advice, or at least signpost you somewhere.
Go to your GP and explain how you are feeling and the situation and ask for counselling. it will probably be quite a lengthy waiting list, but it will help.
it varies from person to person, but once things start getting into order it'll be surprising how quick it passes, but don't expect it to happen overnight but you might find one day you'll wake up and feel amazing.
Just hang in there chick, in the mean time there's your rl friends and us to listen!!
Two years here, but it was easier I guess as leaving was my decision, after two episodes of dv, which were ultimately caused by me distancing myself and not bothering so much with his crap and emotional blackmail.
I had done the mourning already.
But really should have left sooner.
It does take time but you'll feel happier month on month, year on year - certainly after a year or two you'll look back on it and know the worst is over but it could be much sooner, varies from person to person. There'll be good and bad days but the bad ones will pass and the good ones will increase
Donkeys his personality thing is due mainly I think to him figuring out some stuff from his past which is true, he never really "knew" himself, never did have anything he liked, had any friends etc, he was a people pleaser and just wanted to make others happy, and disliked making any decisions, ever. He has realised this and along with that realisation he has seen the anxiety and anger he had inside and has a lot of it for many people on his life who he now feels pushed him around and moulded him. Basically he was sttod there waiting to be moulded as he would never make a decision or do anything for himself so if you wanted to do anything or get anything done you had to make the decision
I feel better than I di at first, the hideous shock reaction has gone but tbh I think I am keeping busy and kind of not thinking about it, avoiding it a bit. Concentrating on the day to day living without him but not giving enough thought or energy to get my head around the next steps which I can't imagine for one minute are going to go anything like smoothly. He is liking his new found control but I need to regain some and he is not going to take to that too kindly. His stuff is still in the house, he still has keys, he came to see the kids and was sat on his phone using our broadband. He thinks we can just do a DIY divorce and split everything 50/50, I am not going to let that happen and the results of that aint going to be nice I don't think
50:50, so you get the children and he walks away without any parental responsibility and half the money? Okay then, Mr Man, see how that works out for you.
He's coming up with every excuse in the book for why he's been a cheating fucker, isn't he?
From what you've said, he's never parented the kids on his own, he yelled at them all the time, you've all been walking on eggshells, and now he's cheated on you and walked out.
But he's a people pleaser, is he? Just wanting to make others happy, very passive sort of guy, never had anything for himself? I note that you have absolutely no money...so where is the money? Can't be with Mr 'I never did have anything I liked', can it?
You didn't support him properly, you were stressed and didn't give him enough time - but at the same time you mothered him, moulded him, did everything for him? So he had to get away to get space?
He's a fuckwit. And there is no way, NO WAY, that he only developed feelings for the OW the week after he left. He left because he was cheating on you, with her.
"a feeling I can't carry a family on my own."
You're already managing your family single-handed. Speaking as a single mum, it's really not so terrible. Like anything else it's not a bed of roses but at least all your decisions (good, bad and indifferent) are yours alone, you get a great deal of satisfaction from the accomplishment and - best of all - you don't have some idiot bloke dragging you into the dirt with their 'problems'.
So please don't think it's a terrible life. It's really not.
Roughly this time last year I felt just like you. Actually life is sooo much easier without him on the everyday front.
You are at the darkest moment right now and things will get better. Stuff will come out, you will read mumsnet and over time you will realise that you could not of prevented the affair and I suspect like me you will start to realise that you had been the one making the effort in the relationship all along. So yes we are 50:50 responsible for relationships, but often when things start to go wrong one individual works to repair and the other sits back let's it happen then uses it as an excuse.
Your RL friends don't have to choose sides though often the behaviour of one party means they spend more time with the other. But take all the support your friends are offering it certainly helped me.
You will survive and hopefully this time next year you will be like I am now looking back on what I have achieved and feeling proud of myself.
Good luck on your journey.
I know he had those feelings prev to that week, I think he prob didn't act on them until then but tbh it is immaterial as he betrayed me when he confided in her instead of me and kept their friendship secret however many months ago. I offered to try and work on things when he told me what "our" relationship probs are and he wasn't interested.
I know he has gone but I don't want to hate him so I am blaming myself, pathetic I know . I need to change the way I see him and not sure how I do that or whether it will just be a slow dawning of the crappy reality
Slow dawning is par for the course. What speeds up the process is making your new life as rewarding and interesting as possible. Do things that you want to do, make changes, (even be reckless & make a few mistakes), challenge yourself, enjoy the freedom of independence. It will all boost your confidence and self-esteem which, in turn, puts the ex's actions into perspective. You will find that, from time to time, something happens that reminds you of a past example and you will wonder 'why on earth did I put up with that?'
God he has texted me, "I need to talk to you", think his meds are being swapped, here comes the fun. I have texted back saying if he is going to text "we need to talk" then he needs to add what we need to talk about on his text, or he needs to come and try to talk to me without a text. I don't need another bombshell looming on me all day
"How are you/the DCs?" would have been nice. See what he has to say. How many times will he say "I"? You don't have to just listen btw he can have the grace to give you airtime too.
He did ask that first. He says its about money, he can't stay where he was its making him ill, he has committed to somewhere for next 6 months "it will stretch me" but he reckons I'll be allright
if hes adamant he wants to talk, meet in a public place, then you can both walk away. set ground rules for the talk, that he has to listen to your thoughts first before he starts dropping bombshells.
I would ask for his keys and for him to collect his stuff. but make sure you and the dcs are out when that happens and see if there is a friend that can pop in a house sit to make sure he does as he's asked.
don't go blaming yourself, you're the better person in this, you are still there for the dcs.
I have replied asking if he has an electric copy of his calculations so I can see them before the chat
i haven't worked out what I think I need from his wages, should I try and get that done today before the talk. Can he legally say "I will give you CSA amount", do one and spend all his savings, and if so what can I do to protect myself from that happening? At the moment we have sep savings, joint current account where his wages go into and all bills go out of with an available overdraft. I have now got a current acc of my won with Child Ben and Tax Cred going into but that aint going to pay my monthly bills and mortgage
So where is his lady friend? You didn't throw him out, he jumped ship. He wasn't up front and honest, he took his sweet time about laying things on the line.
Catering and laundry now not up to his 5 star standard? Oh dear. Flexing his muscles and enjoying space rather less fun than he anticipated? Ditto.
chat to csa and get that confirmed and sorted so he has to give you a set amount and then if he doesnt pay they sort it (i believe-someone might need to confirm), keep your savings account as emergency atm, and tell him for the time being he needs to help with the bills at home and the mortgage. work out how much he needs to give you for all of it tell him that needs to be in the joint account and then he can have the rest. just until more can be sorted. i'm sure his ow can bail him out if they are 'that intune' with each other
Yep. He didn't move in with her he rented a room for a month. She is still in and out of her family home as I think her husband isn't happy with her taking the children from the family home and she is obv a bit more concerned about the kids than my H is about his
You sound calm and organised and there are posters here who can advise you on money and maintenance. I know you are currently a SAHM, had you considered going to work later on, it might be something H will come up with when discussing finances. Childcare would be an extra factor to consider.
We have the added issue that we HE as DS had some issues when younger and we felt school was not the best option. I know I will prob need to work and for myself I am quite happy with that but for the DCs not so much as I am being forced to make a decision that may not be in their best interests because of him
My friend thinks he wil have found somewhere to rent with her
Let's hope H is considering this as well as his own issues, good luck talking with him.
Can you get a solictors appt asap.
His savings as a married couple are your savings too. You should have some claim on them (particularly if you weren't allowed to build up money in your own name).
I think until you see the solicitor all discussions about finances should be off particularly if he is going to start spending money that should be coming to the DC (signing himself up for a more expensive place...)
I have seen one and its left that if I want to instruct her i need to contact her and petition for divorce. I'm assuming I need to do the details of his unacceptabel behaviour before i can petition
He is spending this money regardless of what I am going to say, he just needs to "tell me" I guess. His decisions from the day he left are based on his needs and his alone, coupled with a lot of naivety about how much it costs to run this home
Left petition the divorce on the basis of adultery. You are still married currently so he is commiting adultery by having a relationship with the OW. Saves you spending ages thinking of unreasonable behaviour.
How do I prove it if he denies it, sol thought if he could deny it and I had no actual proof we could be wasting our time and money
My solicitor advised that I put that if the divorce was uncontested I would pay it. If he contested the adultery he would have to pay half the costs. There are boxes to tick for this on the petition. She that usually the treat of having to pay meant that most men did not contest the adultery. She also felt that where adultery had occurred that it was usually much less hurtful that dragging up examples of unreasonable behaviour which can still be contested.
You could ask him in which grounds he would accept to divorce.
Otherwise, could you contact him only by e-mail or text messages and get some evidence of either adultery or unreasonable behaviour?
As for adultery, you have a corroborating witness - her husband.
Oh yes, although i had to text him to ask to stay out of their triangel of revenge etc as I was getting involved by him saying what he wanted to do to his wife and my H and then I was getting harrassed from H to try and find out what was going on
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