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Should i just tell this woman to fu*k the fu*k off ??

(62 Posts)
StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 14:44:15

long story short -

Mum died last year, her and dad were married 30+yrs.

Dad has new 'girlfriend' #( i say girlfriend she is much older than him...)
Dad and new 'girlfriend' been together since xmas she wanted to come xmas day.... she didnt in the end.

Girlfriend has all but moved into to dads house - moved everything around put up her own photos (of her) and pictures etc...

She put up mothers day cards from her children (this is the first mothers day without our much loved mum and to come 'home' to find cards 'to my lovley mum' on the shelf was a big tipping point for me.

girlfriend is CONSTANTLEY touching my dad when we are around holding hands hugging kissing etc.

Girlfriend dosnt like dad seeing any of his friends especially females ones were his and mums friends people he has known for over 40 yrs....

other issues we have is that my brother has serverle learning difficuties he lives in residential care but is home once a fornight for the weekend - she has started interfering with his care and despite a letter from his psycologist suguesting he should have no contact with this woman for the time he is home she is there all the time.

We have tried speaking to my dad but he will not listen the problems with my brother are brushed off as he is missing mum.....

Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself.

last straw i popped round home last night as on a monday dad sees mums nest friend (she is married and known dad 40+yrs) my sister was there as well and i had a lovley evening giggerling with her and my sister while girlfriend say on the floor and 'read' her book whilst periodically leaning up to touch dad who was on sofa...

I had 15 missed calls from my dad this morning i thouight somone had died.... no it turns out xxxxx felt really left out last night and unwelcolme and we had all done this to her ( we didnt intentially exclude her she chose not to join in with our sillyness ;)

I just want to tell this woman to fuck off -- i think that sadley my dad would chose her over me and his grandchildren so not even worth me talking to him i have tried and he just dosnt listen.

sorry for the long post this is really upsetting me and i needed to get it all down xxx

mungotracy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:49:25

Its your dads house, its his life, you dont live there. "HOW DARE SHE PUT UP CARDS FROM HER CHILDREN".... "SHE TOUCHES HIM"...do you have any idea how very unreasonable you sound?...... if you were a child living in the house it might be different...you aren't.

ArseAche Tue 19-Mar-13 14:50:59

I reckon you should. She sounds a clingy, needy stupid woman. And hopefully your dad will come to his senses soon enough. Once he has lost all his friends and family.

bigbuttons Tue 19-Mar-13 14:51:18

I think you are angry that your dad has 'replaced' your mum. The est thing, certainly the most adult thing, you can do is get on with her.

ArseAche Tue 19-Mar-13 14:52:12

mungo - I think you are being a tad harsh on the OP. This woman has taken over their lives, not just the dad.

ArseAche Tue 19-Mar-13 14:53:29

You could just talk about your mum ALOT in front of her. That will make her feel uncomfortable.

pausingforbreath Tue 19-Mar-13 14:54:32

Sorry for the loss of your Mum.
I can't give you a long answer now ( school run imminent ) , but will come back later.
Short answer ; no. However tempting and painful it is having her in your face- this will just give her 'ammunition' to use against you.

I had very, very similar when I lost my Mum.

I have sadly the t shirt :-(.

I lost Dad last year too, so longer in the situation - but PM ; me a wealth of pain and bitter experience - but I survived it and am still smiling ;-)

Good luck

PandaNot Tue 19-Mar-13 14:55:38

Only tell her that if you want to ruin your relationship with your dad forever! He's an adult, he makes his own choices, nothing to do with you. You might be his daughter but you are not a child. Act like an adult.

Dahlen Tue 19-Mar-13 14:56:01

I can see why you're having misgivings. It seems as though your dad's relationship has moved very fast and the new GF is displaying several red flags in terms of her behaviour.

However, this is not a situation you can win by putting your dad in a situation where he has to choose. Your best bet is to bide your time. Make an effort with his GF so that you cannot be reproached for your behaviour. It will make hers seem more unreasonable. Take care not to criticise her as a person, but if she does something that upsets your dad or your brother, say you don't like seeing them upset and why you feel her behaviour is wrong.

Your father is probably still grieving and lonely. This woman is fulfilling a need he has and he is probably unable to see things without a cloud of emotion in the way. Eventually, that will subside and he will start seeing things clearly again. When that time comes, your opinion and support will count for a lot, but he won't even call on it if you have managed to alienate yourselves before then.

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:56:22

OW sounds insecure and pushy. But your Dad sounds a walkover so not much you can do.

OW possibly wants you out of the way. I would say this to Dad.
V sad for family.

Is there a will or anything if anything should happen to him?

Timetoask Tue 19-Mar-13 14:57:55

She sounds incredibly insensitive considering your mum only passed away last year. She is invading your mum's space.
Unfortunately, your dad deserves to have company, and if he found someone to look after him, then it is a good thing, right? So I think you will need to put up with it for the sake of your dad.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 19-Mar-13 15:00:46

Wow. Some harsh posts here! OP's mum only died last year and her feelings are completely understandable, have a heart!

OP - I understand the way you are feeling. What your dad is doing is very, very insensitive to you and your siblings.

However - as you probably know, people deal with their grief in different ways. It is not at all uncommon for people who've been married a long time to jump right into a new relationship within months of being widowed.

I don't think there's anything you can do about it, but I am really, really sorry that you've lost your mum (so have I) and I hope you find a way to either be polite to your dad's new friend (who sounds as though she is very, very threatened by your dad's life with your mum, and very jealous of you and your siblings), or to keep your distance, without distressing yourself too much. Have you contacted Cruse? - they are excellent. www.cruse.org.uk.

Oh - and don't tell her to fuck the fuck off grin .... Just say it in your head x

"Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself".

This could well be the crux of the issue. He is also a big part of the problem here; he has chosen to be with someone who is quite happy to be his constant companion. However, his constant companion is needy and jealous of any relationship that is not him and her.

Its not just this woman at fault though, its your Dad too.

He has chosen to act like this for his own selfish reasons and not just because of her; he has made a damaging choice for his own self (one he may well yet regret) and he does not have to act like a muse to her svengali like influence. He gets what he wants out of their relationship. It would not surprise me at all if your Dad went on to marry her very quickly as well.

I would arrange a meeting with your Brother's residential carers asap if you have not already done so.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 19-Mar-13 15:01:53

Sorry here's the link properly: www.cruse.org.uk

AmberLeaf Tue 19-Mar-13 15:04:44

OW? she isn't the other woman though is she?

OP sorry about your Mum, it must be very difficult.

Not sure what you can do, I wouldn't tell her to fuck off as that will probably just mean your Dad is in a difficult position as referee and from what you say he is not strong minded and will probably go with her flow.

It sounds very rushed, but what can you do? not much tbh, your Dad is an adult.

The bit about your brother is more worrying, did the psychologist really say she shouldn't be there when he visits?

Owllady Tue 19-Mar-13 15:10:16

Does your Dad's partner not understand about your brother? surely your brothers well being should be of paramount importance?

I can see why you are upset. It sounds like your Dad has really rushed into things, maybe through his own grief too. I'm sorry. It all sounds very difficult sad

mungotracy Tue 19-Mar-13 15:11:31

ArseAche.....

Thats the OPS view, its not borne out by any evidence..... The woman (her fathers partner incidentally) ha not taken over their lives at all. She does not impinge on their home or their families she is only present at her own home with her own partner...... frankly as an adult her father relationships have nothing at all to do with her.

Owllady Tue 19-Mar-13 15:14:12

no, but the life of her vulnerable brother IS her business sad

catyloopylou Tue 19-Mar-13 15:15:49

What Dahlen said.

This sounds similar to what my cousin went through after my aunt passed away. My uncle (cousin's dad) started seeing someone, got married, cousin pushed out but kept making an effort on the surface to keep the peace after being told by her dad that new wife was finding it difficult.

Fast forward some years to uncle dying, cousin doing much of the caring despite difficulties with her own family, uncle's wife not leaving him alone with any family member when they came to visit. Uncle was planning to change his will to leave some property to cousin and had told other people this, but died before he did so, leaving everything to his wife and nothing at all to his children. Wife said she was penniless so couldn't give them any money from the 3 houses she now owned and was generally a two faced bitch. She has 3 grown up children of her own and is planning to leave all "her" money to them.

I know that sounds bitter but it's been so hard for my cousins and my mum (uncle's sister) to stand by and hold their tongues as he was dying, then to remain civil to the widow as she refused to honour my uncle's wishes as they were not written down.

Moral of this long story is whatever you do it will be the wrong thing, but if you want any sort of relationship with your dad you need to keep the peace and okay along, at least on the surface, else OW will find a way UK push you out.

catyloopylou Tue 19-Mar-13 15:17:07

PLAY along, not okay along

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 15:18:21

Tricky situation.

I think you have to tread carefully. You dad may well get a lot more comfort and happiness from this relationship than you think. I would try and be as open to it as possible as I think you could easily fall out with him. It is his house and his life after all.
I think it is ok for your DF's girlfriend to put up Mother's Day cards. It may have been insensitive but it is understandable.
I also think the fact the girlfriend touches your Dad is non of your business although I quite understand how uncomfortable this would make you feel.

I don't see it that she is invading. Your Dad has invited her in. She wants her there. It isn't up to you.

So, YABU (although it is very understandable)

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 15:19:25

Sorry, but I'd cut my dad out of my life if he did this. Sure, he's an adult and all, but I don't have patience for weak, lily-livered people who find replacements in a wink because they are so weak. And that's just what it is. I'd just gradually stop going round.

I reckon too that any photos of his previous life i.e any with his late wife have been removed by this woman.

Stoney666 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:23:22

something similar happened when my mum died and dad was remarried within 14 months
I understand completely how u feel and 12 years later its still very hard but she looks after my dad and we all work full time so would struggle to be there all the time. they are in the late 80s now and I think for him it was right. They are companions they were both lonely. Men don't cope well on their own. Item hard to grin and bare it,at be even try to be her friend? nobody will replace our mums but don't lose your dad as well hmm

PandaNot Tue 19-Mar-13 15:50:02

My MIL was the 'other woman' in this scenario. They got married after 5 months of being together. Twenty years later they are still blissfully happy. However it ruined his relationship with his daughters forever. Be careful what you say if you still want to have a relationship with him.

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 15:50:52

My DBILs wife first died when she was about 30. It was expected and DBIL was distraught as you would expect. He said he was going to give himself a good few years breathing space before even thinking about dating. He ended up meeting a girl less than 9 months later. He married her, quite quickly, and has been extremely happy ever since.

We were all delighted for him. He was an adult and was quite capable of making his own decisions. (Just like the OP's Dad)

Noone, including his first wife's family with who remains close, thought he was 'replacing' his first wife with a new one. We would have all found that a very offensive suggestion.

My DBIL's love for his second wife does not 'lessen' his love or memories of his first wife.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 19-Mar-13 15:58:42

I'm with expat on this. I think your dad is behaving shamefully and showing no sensitivity at all to the fact that you have just lost your mother, that your brother is vulnerable. He owes you far more, as your parent, than he is delivering - it's all about him and sod what you are going through.

The woman sounds like a leech and I would be inclined to tell them both to fuck off.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 15:59:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply

To clarify some points she hasn't' officially moved in as it were just never seems to leave has her own key and comes and go's

The residential staff at my brothers home have expressed concerns over my brothers behaviour he is usually chatty and relaxed he is now becoming violent and aggressive towards staff so much so his position in his house is threatened. The staff are fantastic and have been talking to him about things and he is upset that this woman sleeps in his mum's bed and is there all the time at his annual review it was said that it would be better if this woman isn't around when my brother is home fortnightly sat afternoon to sun afternoon but she has started going with dad to collect him and drop him off .

I asked dad about her and if he thought she was moving in on the sly but he said no ans he was thinking of asking her to and asked my opion ( I told him it was too soon but ultimately his choice)

He is currently redoing his will after mum died (may) it is complicated as provisions need to be made for my brother.

I feel as though I have lost my bright sparky dad and he seems to have aged about 20 years and is constantly phoning me to ask about how my sister feels about xxxxxx and never just to chat or to tell me the last time I came round xxxxxx felt ignored left out etc... all about her

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 16:14:26

Just to add the girlfriend has her own house ( why couldn't she put the cards up there) she also has a husband ( separated) who apparently lives in the shed at the bottom of the garden - a mutual friend of the same hobby. Let this one slip a while ago.

Friend of family just phoned to say she has asked dad out for dinner alone tomorrow to talk about this and thinks it will probably be thw end of a very long friendship but feels she owed it to my mum to bring my dad up on his behaviour especially towards my brother. She called to make sure I would still stay in touch

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 16:31:56

He has a duty to his son, your brother. It's different if there were no children, but there are, a very vulnerable one, too.

I'd work with your brother but start distancing myself from a father who can't put aside his grief to buck up for his disabled son. I know all about grief, how crushing it is, having lost not a spouse but my child. But, as I still have two other young children, it can't be All About Me and loneliness and all that crap.

Viviennemary Tue 19-Mar-13 16:36:28

I think I'd probably feel the same in your situation. Nevertheless it's up to your Dad how he leads his life and you will just have to let him get on with it. If you love your Dad there is no point in cutting him out of your life over this.

TSSDNCOP Tue 19-Mar-13 16:44:47

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum OP.

With the absolute exception of the way your brother is effected though I think you're behaving in a way that's only going to cause more aggro. The part about you all giggling actually made my toes curl.

Maybe if you could meet your dad a bit more toward halfway, you'll get the most important message concerning your DB across more effectively.

Megatron Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:44

OP I went through exactly the same as you a couple of years ago. My beloved mum died and my dad was totally devastated, they'd been married for 52 years. He developed a 'friendship' with one of their friends who had also lost her husband and my sister and I found it incredibly difficult at the time, we felt like she was trying to replace our mum.

We did talk to dad about it and explained how we felt but I think he was so distressed with grief and guilt about having feelings towards another woman it was awful. I loved my dad with all my heart and he died very shortly after we spoke about all this and although we never fell out over it I really wish I'd kept my mouth shut about the whole thing as all it did was upset him. Your dad is probably still grieving for your mum, as are you, perhaps just take a little step back and just be there for each other when you are needed.

Megatron Tue 19-Mar-13 16:51:33

Sorry, I meant to add that I think your dad MUST take the advice of your brother's care home seriously, that is an absolute must.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:00:30

I know he must he just dosnt Any time me my sister or the care home try to talk to him about thishe clams up and says he is reacting to grieving for mum and that xxxxxx isn't a problem and they get along well ( brother has no choice in this as she is always there)

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:05:23

We are worried this woman is putting his care home place ( we fought for years to find him this great local place) at risk and are also concerned that one day he may have an outburst around this woman and she will not have any clue as to how to handle him he is 37 and a big chap.

She has a relative who has downs and is independent so says she knows all about brotherbit reality is she has no clue and if goes into one if she stands in his way he will hurt her. Not intentionally but he will shove he out the way and can be quite scary

Katnisscupcake Tue 19-Mar-13 17:09:05

I would say to be a little bit careful OP...

My wonderful paternal GM died of a stroke when she was only 54. My Dad and GD were devestated, as were my Dad's twin Brother and Sister.

Very quickly my GD met and married another woman, literally within months, that my Dad and his Sister disliked immensely. She was a very wealthy widow and she clearly loved him but (potentially) like in your situation, she very quickly turned my GD against his whole family.

My GD died about 10 years ago. Luckily I had moved (for work) to a location fairly near to him in the Midlands and had started to see him. His wife was very nice to me but also very clever. I'm not a confrontational person and I'm embarassed to admit that I didn't really get what she was up to as she slowly poured poison into me about my DM and how she had (apparently) destroyed the relationship that my GD had with my DF, something that had never even been hinted at before. My GD became very sick with cancer and I managed to arrange for my DF to come and see him before he died.

He brought my DM with him and I still smile when I remember DParents walking into GD's house and him hugging them both so warmly. It was the last time my DF ever saw his Dad.

But I strongly believe that even though the woman had tried her best to destroy my DF's relationship with GD, in the end, blood won through and I will always be so happy that I got them together one last time before he died.

So, I guess my message is, no matter how hard it seems, never lose touch with your Dad over this. Because you may end up in a situation where you are apart permanently.

My DF happened to write to one of my Cousin's on FB (before he really grasped that he was writing on her wall for everyone to see hmm), after she'd fallen out with her Mum (my Auntie) that she should make it up because he will always regret the time that he didn't speak to his DF.

Don't let it be you...

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:10:05

I will speak to cruise thanks for the link

My mum would be devastated to see him act now. Most of her family no longer see him as he won't go anywhere without her and they are mot ready to meet new woman yet
dad didn't either bother to go to a family funeral

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 17:16:53

Oh, I'd lose touch with my dad over this. It would turn my stomach, to find him so weak that he wouldn't make my brother top priority. My brother's well-being is paramount. That's what happens when you have a disabled child, or a young child, you have to put their interests first, at least for a while, when they have suffered such a bereavement. But I'd tell him this, too, how disappointed I was in him, to find him such a weakling. And then I'd walk out and seek to become power of attorney for my brother so I could look after him as obviously Dad's need for a bedwarmer was more important than he.

I really would. Grief is dire. I understand that completely. But when you have young children or a learning disabled child like this an adult knows damn well that bringing in a new warm body before their parent is even cold in the grave is going to fuck the kids up.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:17:19

I love my dad I just can't find anything or actions to like about this woman I have tried she is not very bright or very bright and pretends to be stupid ( I am leaning towards the second) she keeps pick up and kissing my young children despite me asking her several times ot too. And telling them that she loves them ( they had met her twice before) She has done one better or had worse about everything it

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:20:29

Is just so so hard to be around her if she is not centre of attention all the time .. My dad calls me the following day to ask what the problem is etc.... as I said he looks like he had aged 20 years and lost all his spark I am worried about losing him too sad

Your Dad did not attend a family funeral?. Was this funeral on your late mother's side of the family?. He may well not have attended because she did not want him to go. She seems intent on cutting him off completely from his late wife's family and by turn yourselves.

Your Dad doesn't get it at all does he?. He has put her about everything and everyone else. He does not have to act like a muse to his svengali figure, he made a choice throughout.

Think he is also deep in denial re his son. Have you directly spoken to his care home staff without either your Dad or his lady friend present?. If not I would arrange such a meeting asap.

I would also keep your children at a greater distance as well as she is refusing to accept any boundaries you set with regards to your children.

Lavenderhoney Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:33

I think it's very hard but your df has found a person who makes him happy at the moment. It's very quick, but people deal with things in different ways. I wish my dm had found someone after my df died tbh, she was very very lonely after being married for almost 50 years. Occasional visits from family were lovely but constant companionship is a massive thing to miss. It's not replacement, in my eyes. She just said she was too old and all the men her age were too grumpy.

About your brother - could just you and your dad go for a meeting at the home where your db is? Then your df can speak alone to the manager or with you there as well. Then your dad may be inclined to see your db alone or whatever is best for your brother as discussed with a professional. Your dad could also take his gf along to see the professional too, after his initial visit so she understands the distress and no matter how much she is prepared to spend the weekend with your db, it is too much for him, and he is part of the package that comes with your dad. So she will have to stay away those weekends.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:34

It was my aunts partners funeral ( mums sisters partner) she was with him for 13 years he was lovely dad knew him well and all mums family was there.

Me and sis are constantly in contact with care home as they simply cannot discuss anything with my dad the staff are great and are also quite shocked at dads behaviour

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:38:18

We have just had brothers annuall review ( Mr dad and sis went) the were lots of reports about brothers behaviour andstratagies to move forward with it... He sat there and listened to staff speak but don't think he heard anything... He took the reports home but I doubt he had read them

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:41:08

Thanks expat sums it all up really

His lady friend has probably encouraged your Dad also not to read them.

Have you yourself had an opportunity to read these reports from your brother's care home?.

Presumably your sister is just as upset, confused and angry as well over her Dad's behaviours.

AllOverIt Tue 19-Mar-13 17:51:57

Sorry you're going through this OP. Nothing to add really just that have my sympathy . It sounds like a horrible situation.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I was going to say YABU, but the fact that she put her cards up in his house when she has her own, and her interfering in your DB's care, she sounds like she's a manipulative cow bag sad

Lilyloo Tue 19-Mar-13 17:54:55

Hi op very sorry to hear about your mum. I can totally sympathise as I am in a similar situation myself.
My dad met his partner a couple of years after we lost my mum. They have bought a house together and she is constantly on at my dad to sell his house, whilst she 'rents' hers to her son.
She is very difficult and on the few occasions we have been invited round she has made it difficult by choosing to sit on her own, go in another room as you describe so she can tell my dad afterwards how left out she feels.
This culminated in me challenging my dad at Christmas that her behaviour makes everyone feel awkward. He says he will have a word then brings her round to my home to chastise me for 'being ignorant as stated by her dil who was there at Christmas.
Things are now so strained that I rarely see my dad, I find it very hard and in turn he rarely sees his grandchildren.
I think women like this are very clever and manipulative and if I had my time again I would have pointed this out to my dad much earlier.
As for what happened last night I would make a point of carrying on as you were. If you back off, as we did, it makes things much harder.
I do think they feel threatened by your relationship with your dad so try to break it down.
I really wish she could just accept the relationship between child / dad is a different entity.
As far as your brother is concerned could you have a meeting with your dad and his carers without his new partner and see if he will agree to a plan?

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 18:07:48

She has said to dad that she is jealous of his relationship with friend ( was mums best friend) and has found a new hobby to do on the only night dads friend comes to see him. Fadbhas agreed to go out for dinner with old friend tomorrow she called us as she suspects it may not go well.....

We weren't being rude but we know and love mums friend like a special aunt and haven't seen her for a long time we always laugh alot. When were together it the first time I have felt comfortable in my dadd house for months

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 18:20:38

I wouldn't tell this woman to fuck off. I'd tell my dad to, not in so many words, but I'd stop taking his stupid calls and stop bringing my kids round this gal. You've already told him but the problem is, he's chosing not get it.

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 18:34:08

The reason your Dad may be looking so haggered could be because his family are so against his new relationship. It must be unelievable hurtful for him as he must feel that he is being forced to choose between people he loves.

The new girlfriend sounds a bit confused and it is not suprising that the OP doesn't like her. However it is the OP's Dad who is dating her not the OP and it is his choice. He is a grown man and it is not for other people to manage or approve his love life.

The problem with the OP's brother does need sorting out but I don't know if alienating and stressing out the OP's Dad is the best way forward. The OP's Dad sounds a bit like my Dad who closes down when faced with difficult decisions.

OP are you sure you want to risk losing your Dad over this, he must love his new partner to have stayed with her despite the rest of the families opposition.

I think OPs Dad has gone from one strong minded woman (his late wife) to another so he has someone to look after him whilst not having to make difficult decisions. He's put this lady above everyone else. He's also shut down over the issue re his son in the residential care home because he cannot make a decision on that either so does not take responsibility.

Is he really being forced to choose between people he loves because to me it seems that he has already made a choice and that is his lady friend (who is herself separated from her own H). He has chosen to act like this, he does not have to act like a muse to his svengali but he chooses to do that as well.

No wonder his children are concerned; their Dad is not the person they thought he was.

something2say Tue 19-Mar-13 18:54:08

I think it's so hard to lose more than one family member at a time really, when it could so easily be the other way round....

LaurenGB Tue 19-Mar-13 20:34:24

Hi Stinky.
Firstly, my condolences on the loss of your mum. I cannot imagine the heartache you must still be feeling just over a year on. My partner lost his father 3 years ago and is slowly but surely returning to his loving self - it does get more bearable.
I can completely understand how you would feel with such a strong minded - and what sounds like completely unsympathetic - woman moving herself in so to speak. Can I suggest you have a sit down with her? I do understand how this may sound at first, but hear it out. You are hurting from her actions, she is apparently hurting from your actions. You'd have thought that she would have opened her eyes and seen that her actions were unsensitive towards you. You would have hoped that she would have spoken to you, apologised or perhaps even made the effort to understand you. Show her the bar she needs to meet. Speak to her in a level and even tone about why you are upset and apologise for upsetting her. Your dad will understand and see you making the effort. Perhaps then you could tactfully explain about the situation with your brother and ask her opinion on how they can make this transition easier for him? Maybe ask her to visit the home and have the staff speak to her about him and his recent change in behaviour?
This is what I would like to think I would do in your situation. To keep my relationship with my parent, and to ensure that I knew I had done all I could.

Dinosaurhunter Tue 19-Mar-13 20:43:50

Op - I'm so sorry for your loss and I completely understand your pain , my own mum died 8 months ago and there is no way on earth I would accept this type of behaviour from my dad it's totally uncaring and disrespectful to your mums memory . Sorry no advice to offer but I just wanted to let you know that what your feeling is normal and you know deep down that your dad will always love you . I truley believe no one understands the loss of a parent until they have been through it x

StinkyElfCheese Wed 20-Mar-13 16:28:38

Had a nice chat on the phone with my dad today longest conversation ever - he was at work so she wasn't around

I raised my concerns about my brother with him and said that I am pleased he has found somone and want him to be happy I am saddened that he is losing contact with his old friends and family because xxx is jealous of their relationship

I am unsure as to what the future holds as he is cancelling his dinner tonight with mums best friend as he ' had to work' pretty unlikely but at least me and him have cleared the air I have again asked him to speak to xxxxxx about how uncomfortable she makes me around my children and we have planned to go round to his house on Friday for dinner with him and xxxxxx so at least he van see I am trying

FarleyD Wed 20-Mar-13 16:58:21

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum Stinky. I have been in a similar situation, and totally get where you're coming from. Generalising horribly here, but I venture to suggest those commenting that your Dad is an adult and should be allowed to make his own choices haven't been in similar situations.

Absolutely he's an adult, entitled to make his own choices. But being an adult brings with it, not just the right to make choices, it brings with it responsibilities. And in this case, the adult still has responsibilities (OP's brother), which the Dad seems to be avoiding.

Hopefully, the conversation you had with him today will be the beginning of your Dad starting to think more logically again. And, despite what your inner self may be longing to say/do, I wouldn't tell OW to fuck off. Keep your Dad on side as long as you can. Let her be the one to show herself up and demonstrate her true colours.

"But being an adult brings with it, not just the right to make choices, it brings with it responsibilities."

Yes. Quite.

primroseyellow Wed 20-Mar-13 18:46:56

Your father is a fool not to put his own family, ie his DCs including you, first. But if he can't see that .......

Lilyloo Wed 20-Mar-13 21:09:31

That sounds great. Keep all lines of communication open, he will see you are trying and whatever she chooses to do about that is up to her.

INeverSaidThat Thu 21-Mar-13 09:42:20

stinky. That sounds like a really good phone call. I think it's nice that you are seeing them on Friday. Your DF must be pleased. I am sure he understands why you are finding it difficult but it must be nice for him to know that you are still there for him. On Friday, perhaps you can keep the evening simple and just chat about nothing (the weather, kids etc) Everyone's nerves are still on edge and I guess it might be a good idea to take things slowly and gently IYSWIM. I hope his girlfriend behaves confused

I hope you get the situation with your brother sorted out.

Good luck

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