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Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

(446 Posts)
Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 20:16:55

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

I'm so sorry sad what a terrible situation for you.
He's a vile worm, you deserve so much better than this- he's told her to have an abortion?! He sounds like scummy pond life, and you need to take control.
Do you have RL support?

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 20:23:38

Oh dear.

Prepare for the understandable onslaught about this despicable man, but I just want to focus on you.

Please tell him it's over.

Any man who can treat people including an unborn child this badly doesn't deserve oxygen, let alone a relationship.

You on the other hand deserve a life so much better than this. Please take it.

Please don't say you have nothing but him. You have your life and your health. Your character, your integrity. You have your lovely children.

Your life is impovishered by this man.

I'm so sorry but please remind me why you are fighting to keep this vile, cruel man? He will have to support you financially if you divorce and you don't work at the moment. Of course he's not your life, that's panic talking. You can and will do it without him. I wish you luck, but really, you know what you must do.

MolotovCocktail Mon 18-Mar-13 20:25:47

I'm sure that there will some much wiser MNetter along soon, but, do you have family or friends near who can help you for a while? Really, your relationship with your 'D'H needs to end, because he's treated you appallingly. You deserve better. your DCs deserve better. He has deceived you so completely that he does not deserve your company any more. I'm so sorry for you, but IMHO, this relationship needs to be over, and you should be the one to end it. Kick his arse out.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 20:26:51

So sorry sad

They always minimise their cheating - e.g it was just the once, it was a drunken fumble etc as they can't face the consequences of what they have really done.

For many affairs, they become addicted to ego stroke of OW and get caught up in this fantasy bubble - until reality hits and the bubble burst. This is why he found it so easy to fall out of love - it wasn't even love in the first place, just an infatuation.

My advice is not to make any long term decisions as you will keep changing your mind about what you want. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and you need time and space to process these.

This means asking him to leave for a while.

I would get both of you to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it comes highly recommended on here. Also Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal is a good one aimed at the cheater.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 20:30:15

Also get real life support.

Once things are less traumatic, you can start to look at your own life - learn to drive, find new interests, training, voluntary work etc and stop making him the centre of your own life.

whattodoo Mon 18-Mar-13 20:34:21

What an absolute shit.

It's easy for me to say from the outside, but I can't honestly see how you can ever trust him again.

He is displaying no love for you, he is staying (for now) for convenience.

Try to find the strength to boot him out and refuse all contact from OW and hit husband.

Concentrate on working out your future.

CATSNDOGS Mon 18-Mar-13 20:35:51

You must be hurting so much right now. Your post nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Talk to someone in RL and dont feel embarrassed/ ashamed about things, I would be delighted to help/listen/ support a friend like this.

You can't see it now but you probably have plenty going and DO have things without your H. You need to really think hard about whether the marriage can continue after this.

I have no advice really to offer except think very carefully about your own emotional health and look out for your nearly grown up children too. Please start thinking about practical things, like a solicitor. I know its very early and raw but dont brush that aspect under the carpet.

Right now, you owe him very little and if you do decide to start your own life without him, you will be able to do it. It will be tough and you will have to build your confidence up and make some tricky decisions.

Try to take things a bit at a time.

JaceyBee Mon 18-Mar-13 20:37:57

I'm so sorry his has happened to you, I can feel how devastated you must be. But I really don't think that your husband refusing to acknowledge this woman is (apparently) pregnant with his baby and effectively forcing her to have a termination she doesn't want is 'to his credit'. I think it makes him a cunt.

Also, please don't tell him you will kill yourself if he speaks to her. It won't do you any good in the long run. If you are genuinely feeling suicidal, which is more than understandable, you must go and see a GP. Can you get friends and family around you to support you? You will get through this ok. Stay strong x

eatmydust Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:32

I didn't want to read and run - so sorry you are going through this.

Don't make any immediate decisions, you've had a grenade thrown into your life and things need to settle. Might be better to ask him to leave to get some space and then start to work through stuff.

Just from experience, please try and talk to your DCs - if your DD is at home she probably does realise what is happening and will be very very upset. Older DCs can be very badly affected.

Keep posting here and we will all support you.

Grinkly Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:43

You'd be mad to stay with such a liar imo but meanwhile ask him to move out to a B&B or anything to give you breathing space and a brief chance to deal with your own hurt and feelings and to explain to the DCs (DD must be wondering who has terminal cancer with the stress in the home) what has happened ie that DH has had a long affair (no details required).

Then, with him out of the way, start to think about what you want, you can't turn back the clock so what do you really want your future to be? DCs are getting older and becoming independent do you really want your life to revolve solely around this man.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 20:42:19

Do you still want this man ?

Really ?

You might think you do, but in a few months time (or less) when the dust has settled you will wake up from this fog and realise you fought to keep a booby prize, damaged goods, a millstone around your neck

Send him on his way. There is no other logical path open to you, I am afraid.

CATSNDOGS Mon 18-Mar-13 20:42:54

Yes, I agree with JaceyBee, please dont say you will take your own life to H.

Please speak to a GP if you are struggling and didn't just say that in desperation.

Please try to be composed and not give H any "justification" as to why he turned to another woman. Sorry, I know that is hard to hear.

You and your 2 children need to stay strong for each other.

CardinalRichelieu Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:08

I would just say, you can't really believe anything that he or she says. You are going to drive yourself mad if you try to work out what's true and what isn't.

He may have told her he loves her when he doesn't really. He may have actually loved her or it may have been strong infatuation (so he meant it when he said it).

Just from the small bit of info you've given, she sounds like she likes a bit of drama. I would be sceptical about this supposed pregnancy, and any of the other details. It could be that she has quite an ego and is trying to make herself seem more important than she actually is, trying to keep the upper hand and manipulate everyone.

But even if this is true it doesn't change the fact that your husband really does not look good in this. Just telling someone to have an abortion isn't 'to his credit' at all - it just shows that he doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself.

Don't worry too much about finances etc - he will be obliged to support you as you do not work. You could learn to drive.

I feel very sorry for you, especially seeing that FB message. That must have been horrible. I would not be able to trust that man again, knowing how capable of deception he is.

BendyBusBuggy Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:10

Agree with Grinkly. Give yourselve time and space to grieve and think things through. Tell your DD ( but don't ask DCs to take sides). I am so sorry OP

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:18

You need to be strong,this is your life now,it won't be like this forever,do you really want him to stay because he feels obligated to you,if he says he loves her and she loves him I don't think there is any marriage left to save.
Do you really want a man that can just wash his hand over another person so callously,he can't just say "get an abortion" and thats the end,and now he has you defending his behaviour to the OW.

He doesn't know what he wants but what he is doing is hurting people,perhaps it would be better if he left for a while and gave you some space,your marrige is your buisness but at some point you are going to have to make a stand.
He can only treat you this way if you allow him to do so,you are letting him have all the power,you are better than him.
Remember he said I love you to her and then casually said "get an abortion",he made vows to you then had affair that is not love.Good luck.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 20:46:52

Bollocks to being composed. Get angry. Anger will give you the strength to show him the door and focus on you and your children.

There can be no justification for treating two women and an unborn child this callously.

Branleuse Mon 18-Mar-13 20:46:59

to his credit??? Really???

Im so sorry youre going through this. Try and look at it objectively. He is not worth it. Hes a two timing cunt of the highest order

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 20:50:04

He admitted he loved her,she is the love of his life, his best friend and soul mate.

He refused to talk to the woman he feels all that about and coldly told her to have an abortion!

What a fucking prise this man is.

He hasn't felt anything for you in over a decade,you are boring and the only reason he stays is as he has no where else to go!

Please get some self respect. You deserve more than this.

Also he has clearly had unprotected sex please visit an STI clinic.

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 18-Mar-13 20:53:37

Show him the door & hit him on the arse with it when he's on his way out.
He's lied & cheated & has zero regard for you & your children-do not fight for him as you're worth so much more.
Get RL help & get rid, your life will be so much better for it.
flowers

Ruprekt Mon 18-Mar-13 20:53:51

Listen to these wise words Janey.

When you can breathe again, you will realise that you are worth more and you can have a life without him. A good life and a happy life.

You dont need this worthless cheating scumbag! He only ended it cos he was found out or he would still be sleeping with her.

Kick him out, pack a bin bag with his stuff and let him go.

There is loads of support for you here......just keep posting.

((()))) smile

Be kind to yourself and try to eat something.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 20:56:02

Also, do go to a solicitor.

He's been defrauding and stealing from his company and the OW won't think twice about letting them know about it, as threatened. That's gross misconduct and he is liable to get the sack.

This leaves your future financial status extremely precarious as you don't work yourself. If you can tie up the financial details as quickly as possible making sure you and the children are protected in the event of him losing his livelihood, that would be for the best.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 20:56:31

Back to you. You. You. And your children. Stop thinking about him. I know it's hard. But what you have to do is look ahead and do the next right thing. For you. It is a mess. He has created a mess. So has she. You want no part of it. Your life is not to be littered with mess and dirt. Be straight with the children. Be honest. And go forward.

JiminyCricketsMiddleWicket Mon 18-Mar-13 20:57:01

In a year's time; even if you are still together; do you think you will feel safe, loved,cherished. Or will you always be looking over your shoulder and wondering if you are a "boring twat" ?

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 21:03:02

I wouldn't let him talk to her. I just couldn't. And still won't. She'll try and take him away. I can't stand the thought of them having any contact.

She is pregnant. Her husband was distraught. Made her do a test. She said she didn't want me to find out and that's why she had to speak to my DH. Her and her DH have now split and she texted my husband saying she'd lost everything and is trying to cope with her two very young DCs and face an abortion on her own. I don't care. She deserves to. Look what she's done.

PureedGoodness Mon 18-Mar-13 21:05:13

You cannot seriously be thinking of staying with him

Snuppeline Mon 18-Mar-13 21:05:29

Gosh you poor thing! I can't begin to understand how you feel but can imagine you are in a very personal sort of hell. It is not your fault and it entierly of your 'd'h's making, don't let any of his excuses or the horrible things he has said about you make you think otherwise. To treat their spouses as they have and then to go further by rubbing dirt in your face is inexcusable.

If your daughter hasn't been told yet I think she should be told. At 19 she is more than old enough to be treated as an adult and she will most likely be picking up on the atmosphere in the house. I can only imagine that she would be furious and very hurt if she wasn't told either. After all isn't she part of your family and deserve to be treated as such. Also, she can also no longer be used as a threat if she knows (OW threatening). Your dh will have to live with the consequences of what he has done and that includes a broken relationship with his children. It could also be the end of his career by the sounds of things (fradulent expence claims).

Whether the pregnancy is real or not neither you or your husband should push for a termination. I am sure it will be very hard but try to rise above the tacky business of the OW and her supposed pregnancy. Let your husband figure this one out on his own.

For your own sake show your husband out the door and focus on your lovely children and yourself for now. And make sure you have support from family and friends around you. I am sure they would all be rallying around you if they knew what you were going through.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 21:06:10

Janey - but surely its up to him to stop all contact, and to make this choice freely? Its not going to work if you have to tell him what he can do/can't do and monitor his behaviour. The only person who can control his behaviour is HIM.

Save your anger for HIM - he is the one who made his vows to you, he is the one who promised to love, honour and cherish you.

CardinalRichelieu Mon 18-Mar-13 21:08:50

'She'll try and take him away'

He is a person and an adult. He won't go to her unless he wants to. You are not scared that she will 'take him away' - you're scared that he'll go to her. The more you try to cling on the faster he will realise he can use the threat of leaving you for her to manipulate you. You will end up in the worse position when he is the one who had the affair. The only option is to say 'there's the door'

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 21:10:11

Janey I completely understand that you're devastated but she hasn't done this by herself. The jolene stereotype of the wily temptress stealing away a good man is never seldom true. He's your husband. He had a duty to you. He betrayed you. Be angry - with him.

It's not true to say you have nothing without him. You have your children. They need you.

Your husband sounds like an incredibly cold selfish man. Truly it sounds as if you'll be better off without him. How could you ever trust him again? I couldn't. It would drive me mad.

CATSNDOGS Mon 18-Mar-13 21:10:25

Janey, forget about OW. she's not all at fault, your H too. You should be more angry with him than her, sure she is low and nasty but your husband has behaved in the most vile and despicable way towards you.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 21:11:16

She's suffering her own consequences. Your husband needs to suffer his.

I hope she won't want anything to do with such a spineless, cruel man and that she's got more dignity than to have anything further to do with him.

You need to find your dignity too. Let him go. He's not worthy of a relationship with either of you.

Midwife99 Mon 18-Mar-13 21:12:21

What a bloody awful thing to go through. BUT you are blaming the OW for this not your DH!! She wasn't married to you, he was. It's his fault. He betrayed you. He's only backtracking now because he doesn't want to lose his home. You need to realise that he will change his mind again. Soon.

CleopatrasAsp Mon 18-Mar-13 21:13:10

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this but why do you want to be with this man. He said he doesn't love you and that he loves this woman - if this is true, how can it be good for your self esteem to stay with him?

Skinnywhippet Mon 18-Mar-13 21:17:54

Everyone is telling you to leave, but that doesn't have to be the only option. If you want to fight for your marriage then do that. I don't know you, but I do not that some marriages will be able to recover from this. You need to sit down and talk to him, perhaps go away together. He obviously had/ has a lot of feelings for this woman, but they were in those heady first flush of a relationship. Who is to know whether it would have lasted. Don't give up just yet.

pooka Mon 18-Mar-13 21:18:51

No - look what he has done to you.

You mustn't see him as a prize, as something to win.

He is a cunt. He has lied to you, lied to her, had unprotected sex with her, told her he will not support her in dealing with the pregnancy, to get an abortion.

He is worthless. Definitely not worth your love. Definitely undeserving of another chance.

Really - he is scum. By all mean be angry with the OW. But don't lose sight of the fact that he is the one who is married to you and so he is the one who has betrayed you.

birdofthenorth Mon 18-Mar-13 21:20:11

"To his credit" he's ignoring her and suggesting an abortion? I had to read this sentence several times to check I hadn't misread! I realise you are going through sheer hell, shock, and grief. But him behaving despicably to the OW will not make this go away.

You don't need to make any decisions right now about staying with him or not. You just need to take some time, be kind to yourself, begin to digest what has happened. See a doctor, especially if you are genuinely feeling suicidal.

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 21:20:19

Chuck him out. If he goes to her you will probably have saved yourself from a lifetime of further fear and distrust, because you will have the answer to your question.

Rip the plaster off, honey. A man that can treat women like this (and I mean both you women) is worthless. Worthless.

Get the STI test booked. With some luck, it might kickstart your anger. Or at least direct it towards the most worthy recipient of it...him.

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 21:22:31

If - IF - you really want him begging is not going to do it. As the wonderful cogito said on another thread, to understand what he has done he needs to feel the cold clammy hand of loss around his throat. He is laughing at the moment - two women tearing themselves apart over him. He's jack the fucking lad. So if you want him, you throw him out. You tell him he has to organise relate for the pair of you. He must have STI tests, and so must you. He must talk to your children, apologise to them, and explain. And he must do the running with you.

And if he can't be arsed to do that - why do you want him?

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 21:22:36

The OW is not your problem,the problem is your husband,how can you even look at him,he disgusts me and I'm not married to him.Possibly your marriage will tick over for a few more years and then it will happen again and your self respect will be on the floor.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 21:24:20

I've known him since we were at school. We grew up together. I can't be without him now. We have slept in separate rooms for years and rarely have sex. Maybe it is my fault?

He told her all we do is go shopping and watch telly. That I'm set in my ways and no fun. We don't go to the pub etc. They went out drinking and clubbing. He also told her repeatedly that he fell in love with her at first sight and fell deeper every day. That meeting her was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They took her 3 year old son out together. I've seen all this in the FB messages she showed me and valentine card/birthday card. He bought her jewellery and books. I'm so jealous I could scream and never stop.

VitoCorleone Mon 18-Mar-13 21:25:15

I can see the pain in your posts sad do you really want to stay with somebody who has caused you this much pain?

I knoe you dont want to kick him out because you know he will go to her and it would break your heart, but can you ever forgive him for this? Can you ever trust hin again?

For what he's put you through he doesnt deserve your forgivness or trust, he is a fucking prick and you deserve so much fucking better than this.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 21:27:05

I'm with Chub.

LOSS is the only thing that motivate cheaters. The more you fight for him, the less chance you have of getting him back.

Your ONLY chance of getting him to beg for a second chance and mean it is to tell him you have decided its over (even if its for a while but don't tell him) and that you want space to think things over.

Only then will he might realise what he is losing.

VitoCorleone Mon 18-Mar-13 21:28:33

And no its NOT your fault.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 21:29:23

It sounds like things weren't great if you had separate rooms - but still he had the choice to sort things out with you, insist on relate etc. He chose not to and instead had an affair.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 21:30:14

This might have been an unsatisfying marriage for him. But if it was, he had the responsibility to discuss this with you, suggest counselling if you weren't both capable of sorting it out and then if nothing changed, to leave the marriage.

That's what grown-ups do.

He did not have the right to have an affair, to steal from his company, risk your financial survival, impregnate another woman and denigrate you so savagely to her.

You have no responsibility or blame for those actions at all.

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 21:30:37

Why can't you be without him? How can you bear to be with someone who treats you like this?

I bet you think it's easy for us to say. Let me tell you six weeks ago I left my husband. I am 34. We have been together since I was 19. Married for twelve years. I was barely an adult when I met him. I left him because I had to. He was violent and cruel and I was afraid social services might get involved (he was no threat to our children at all but they were becoming aware of the way he treated me). Did I want my marriage to turn out that way? Fuck no. Should I have stayed? Fuck no.

Seriously. Get some self respect. Because he doesn't have any for you.

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 21:31:04

Oh dear Janey, you sound absolutely broken. I would be.

But seriously - you have to calm down and think about this properly. He is a complete cunt for doing this to you. You can't live in fear of her 'taking him away', that's not how relationships work. People should only stay because they want to - he clearly doesn't.

You need to see a Dr asap, get some advice/medication that will help you think properly and get rid of this waste of space.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? Looking over your shoulder to see whether the OW has lured him back, or whether some other woman has turned his head? That's no way to live, you know that deep down. He should ONLY stay with you because he loves and adores you - not because you've gone (quite rightly) banshee at all this coming out and him not having anywhere to go. If he has fallen for this woman, which does happen, then he isn't going to be able to turn those feelings off, nor will you ever be able to forgive or forget the awful, horrible things he's said about you and your marriage to the OW.

My heart breaks for you, I can see the hurt pouring out of you when you post but really, you are hanging on by a thread to a man that isn't worth the turmoil and hurt you'll go through trying to hang on to him

whethergirl Mon 18-Mar-13 21:33:38

I am absoloutley gobsmacked, what an awful ordeal for you. But this isn't your mess. It's theirs. Let them clean it up or make it worse, the more involved you get now the worse you'll feel.

The thought of having a happy future without your husband seems impossible. But it's not. It just feels like that right now, and you can let this drag on for months and months, it will wear you down and drain every bit of life out of you. And do you think, the end result of all this, will be that you'll live happily ever after? After all he's done, do you think you'll ever be able to look him in the face and forget?

Or you can save yourself months and possibly years of sadness, and a happy future will happen sooner. You can not be happier living with a man like this. I know this sounds so harsh now, but in years to come you'll look back on this and know it to be true. You will go through heartache, your life will be turned upside down - all because of him - but you WILL get through it and you will thank yourself for giving yourself a chance of happiness.

It feels impossible. It feels as if your future is ruined. It's not. Remember, this is how you are feeling right now (how he has made you feel), it's not what will actually happen.

I would not want to be a near a man like your dh. To treat two women so atrociously, not to mention the impact on his kids....I have no words for him right now actually.

Bartlebee Mon 18-Mar-13 21:34:18

I feel very sorry for you OP, but, honestly, read your posts back.

How could you contemplate a future with this man?

You are having a knee jerk reaction of wanting to stay together because he has taken the future you thought you had away.

Get angry and get rid with your head held high.

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 21:34:34

I am sorry to say this but he checked out of the marriage years ago,you are jealous of what you could of had not what they had,do you really want this hanging over you for the rest of your life,first thing you need to tell him to do is show some responsibility towards this pregnancy and support this woman.
What if she doesn't have an abortion it will never be over,what if she does and he leaves you anyway once the dust has settles.

You will never be able to trust him again,I am sorry this is happening to you but stop being their victim,take control,give him some shit and see how he likes it,she was wrong but he was married to you,you can't blame her for everything,if it hadn't of been her it would have been someone else .

VitoCorleone Mon 18-Mar-13 21:35:25

So he's still at home? Probably thinking he's gods gift to women, that he's cheated on his wife but she's standing by him. He needs a smack in the gob

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 21:41:21

You've already lost him to the other woman,they have said they love each other,you can't hold on to what you have already lost,she got the best of him and you got nothing,you might physically keep him living with you but you know how he sees your relationship.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 21:49:16

The "best" of this man is worth jackshit.

The sweetest outcome is both women drop him, he gets the sack and ends up getting eaten by Alsatians.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 21:49:34

Janey - it is easy to see the pain that you are in and I understand the hurt, as do many others on here, but this man has treated you appallingly. If I knew that my XH had said all those things to another woman, I would have been heartbroken, but I would not want him back.

I have been there, to a degree - my XH walked out very suddenly and it turned out that he was having an Emotional Affair at the least with OW. i begged him to come back, said I would do anything, even tried to become friends with her, to make her see what she was doing. I asked him to stop contacting her - she is married to his best mate.

so even after I discovered the deceit, I still wanted him back, rather than change my life as I knew it.

But now I know, that I am worth so much more. and I would rather be on my own, than be somebody's second choice. You need to talk to your H, to find out why he said those things to her if he didn't mean them and why he said those things about you if he didn't mean them.

It doesn't sound like you had much of a relationship anyway, if you were in separate rooms etc. that doesn't give him an excuse to cheat, he could have talked to you and tried to sort things out and left if he felt that was what he needed to do. instead he cheated on you, told another woman that he loved her, that she was his soulmate.... then dumps her because you say so.

This man isn't much of a prize for either her or you, to be honest.

It is better to be lonely on your own, than lonely in company.

I honestly know how you feel, as do so many others that post here, and it takes a huge amount of time to start to feel normal again, but I honestly dont see how you can build a life with this man. Will he change his mind and run off with her? Will he find another pretty face?

If he met her online, then he must have been actively looking for somebody. he should have done the decent thing and left before he started to look for somebody else.

Have you asked him why he is staying now? Is it because he loves you and can't bear to be without you? Why do you want him to stay?

Please please think about what you want and how you are going to achieve it

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 18-Mar-13 21:53:06

I just want to hold you & let you cry - your pain is so palpable sad

You love him
You want him
You want her to fuck off
You want your life back as it was before this happened
You want the man back that you thought you knew
You want your innocence back (as to what he thinks of you)

You don't want to hear what a shit your DH that you love is. You love him and he's yours and you don't want other people telling you what a bastard he is.

You will do everything you can to keep them apart and keep him.

I understand all of that (as only one who has been there and done that can).

However, as one who has been there and done that - I can tell you, that no matter what, you cannot 'go back' you can only 'go forwards' and build an entirely new life either with him or without him.

Right now 'with him' feels like the only thing you want... but, it's a long, hard road which most people don't make it down. The person who had the affair needs to want it 100%, they need to work on it, they need to willingly rebuild trust, they need to understand how much harm they have caused - and they are rarely willing to do all of that, they mostly want to brush it under the carpet and forget about it (whilst pining for their soulmate and true love).

You can't make him stay away from her.
You can't make him love you.
You can't make this right by yourself.

The vast majority of people come to realise that 'trying to make it work' is futile once it gets to this stage sad

I truely wish I had a magic wand to wave for you - but all I have is a big virtual hug x

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 21:58:50

Thank you for all the replies.

I know deep down that they won't see each other again. He says he's lost all the feelings for her because of what it's done to me and because he feels he's lost his son. And the last contact she had with him was an email full of vitriol telling him she couldn't believe how he'd acted, he was a spineless loser, piece of shit etc. and to never contact her again.

He's worked away a lot for over 20 years. She shouted at me over the phone that I controlled him, didn't let him do anything. But we only really have weekends together properly and no, I didn't want him going out with his mates. On occasional Friday/Saturday nights maybe but not all day. I don't like pubs or drinking. He does. So he goes on his own during the week if he's away. He said he didn't mind not having a social life and likes his own company. I honestly believe it's the first time he's been unfaithful.

She looks years younger than she is, is very pretty. She's highly educated. I left school at 16. Have only ever had cleaning jobs. After 24 years with him. 22 year marriage. I'd never get another relationship. Neither of us has anywhere else to go. We're just getting through each day. It's just I want the old him back. Not this new version I didn't know or recognise.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:00:46

And the last contact she had with him was an email full of vitriol telling him she couldn't believe how he'd acted, he was a spineless loser, piece of shit etc. and to never contact her again.

She is right.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:03:13

Please stop putting yourself down. Of course she will say horrible things about you. Of course he will. But you don't have to. And you shouldn't. Please don't.

As to wanting him back. He's gone. He's already gone. Mourn him as if he were dead and look forward.

Badvoc Mon 18-Mar-13 22:03:32

Janey.
You cannot have the old him back.
This is the reality.
The reality is he has been having an affair, has mocked you and your life together got another woman pg and then told her to get an abortion.
And you seem to think that is "to his credit"
He really has done a number on you! Hasn't he?
sad

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 22:04:56

I think you need to open your eyes and see him for what he is Janey.

You are understandably in denial but please don't sweep this under the carpet because you're relieved that you've 'won'

They'll see each other again. I guarantee it.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:05:11

And they will almost certainly get together again. It's almost certain. Why wouldn't they? She wants him and he thinks he's entitled to have her.

Stop emoting with him. Both of you threatening things. Some men like dramas like this. My ex did.

Head high. Cold and calm. Act it if you don't believe it. And the GP and a counsellor asap.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:06:33

I agree with AF about her email. She is right. He has treated her appallingly too....

Your old H is gone forever, same as my XH is. I cried, I wanted him back. But he is not he same person now and neither is your H.

oh yes, and OW told me that I "organised and controlled" him. Its all part of the script..

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 22:08:27

Oh janey. You sound so down trodden. Is there a reason you let him treat you like this? He's supposed to cherish you. It's supposed to be him and you contra mundi. If that's not how it is, what's the bloody point?

Don't settle. Don't be someone that someone settles for. It's better to travel alone than badly accompanied. Honestly it is.

Ruprekt Mon 18-Mar-13 22:09:31

Why were things so bad with your H that you were in separate rooms? Have you had problems for awhile?

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:10:15

Quite soon, love, you will tire of the drama of him

All about him. This is 2013. It's really not all about him. You have many years left to enjoy your life without him. Possibly to find a better man. It wouldn't be difficult to find a better man than this. He is a cunt.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:10:40

I have just bumped the following thread as there are a couple of you on here who sadly need to read it, but here is the link too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 22:13:40

I know you are all right, but I haven't got it in me.

He says he hates her now. I believe him. He seems genuinely sorry. Why would he see her again? I can't believe he would put her over our children.

Does anyone think we can make it work?

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:15:00

No

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:15:40

Make it work? Is there a we? Still? You have more in you than you know. Your children aren't babies. Why wouldn't he put himself over two adults? He's already put himself ahead of you.

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:17:41

Nothing that he says has to be believed. It is part of the script to say that the wife is boring and controlling. It's part of the script to say that he didn't really care about the other woman. My ex said things about the other woman (now his wife) that were just disgusting. When he thought he had a chance of getting back with me. You don't have to believe a word he says.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:18:19

I will go against the majority and say that if you want to try and make it work, then do that, but remember it takes two to make it work. You need to address why you havent had sex for years and sleep in separate rooms. Not that it excuses your H, but a marriage like that must be very lonely for the partner who doesnt want it to be that way.

you would need counselling, probably together and individually. You need to ask yourself if you can forgive him, what you want from the future. your H needs to ask himself why he did it, does he resent you, how he can fix what he has done.

It would be a mammoth task.

But its your marriage and it is up to you to decide, no matter what a bunch of strangers on the internet think.

Just remember that a lot of us have sadly been there and talk from experience sad I went against advice as I was so desperate, but people here were right as they had been there done that

Badvoc Mon 18-Mar-13 22:18:47

No.
I am sorry op.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:19:06

He already put her over his children confused

Janey, does it not bother you at all that he now "hates" her so readily?

That he could so easily discard a woman he must have promised the earth to ?
Like he discarded you so he could shag her , whilst simultaneously taking the piss out of you with this woman ?

Now, he flips back to you and rubbishes her.

Can you really want a man like this ? These are terrible lessons to hand over to your children, from both of you

To just throw someone on the scrapheap...first you, then her, an innocent unborn child and soon it will be you again.

What sort of person does this? Is this the sort of person you dreamed about being married to ? Sharing your one precious life with ? Being an example to your children ?

Surely not.

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 22:19:09

I couldn't live with a man who had called me a boring twat in the course of pillow talk with another woman. So no. I don't think you can make it work.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 22:19:27

Ruprekt - We sleep in separate rooms because he snores so loudly I just can't get any sleep. Even on the rare occasions we do have sex (every two months or so) we return to separate rooms.

Badvoc Mon 18-Mar-13 22:19:36

I think he is very sorry he has been found out!
Sorry he did it?
No.

MushroomSoup Mon 18-Mar-13 22:23:01

I agree with badroc. If you are strong enough - or angry enough - you should ask him to leave for awhile to give you a bit of breathing space.

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 22:23:44

There is nothing to stop her having this child. There will then be his and her child which is a sibling to your children.

She may be in your life for the rest of it.

Do not lay the blame for his actions at anyone's feet but his. He has risked his job,your sexual health and your happiness for someone he now within a week has gone from loving and being his soul mate to no longer loving.

The only person out of the three of you he cares for is himself.

It is not you and him against her.

It is him for him and only him.

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 22:25:07

I don't think he's sorry. At all.

I don't think he hates her either. Not in the slightest. He's just sorry he's been caught and it didn't happen the way that he'd imagined it. It's all come crashing down around him and he's got to think on his feet.

I don't think you can ever make this work, he just doesn't want to be with you. And your kids are 19 & 20, he's not going to really consider them in all of this, especially now they are adults.

He will leave. You won't kick him out. You'll do anything to keep him and I can imagine this will just make him despise you that little bit more. He can't love you, you need to accept this and get some self respect and start dealing with all of this. Your dignity is all you have left. Hang on to it for dear life.

YouBastard Mon 18-Mar-13 22:25:41

I hate to say this, because I can see you're in pain, but your relationship is irretrievably broken whether he ever sees her again or not. I know this because I've been there. My relationship limped along for another year until I realised that we were wasting our lives on a relationship that would never really recover.

I think that you're going to do exactly the same as I did. If I had my time over again, I'd have kicked him out straight away, no matter how painful it was.

BettySuarez Mon 18-Mar-13 22:25:46

Janey, I am at an absolute loss as to how you can bear to be within 10 feet of this man.

He is a vile putrid excuse for a human being. He doesn't love you.

He's not sorry that he had an affair, he's sorry that he was found out.

You are in shock, very understandably but you need to pull yourself together.

He needs to leave and give you some space to think this through.

What a horrible, horrible, horrible man.

PatriciaHolm Mon 18-Mar-13 22:26:10

This isn't a competition between you and her. Stopping him talking to her will achieve nothing; your husband has successfully decieved you for months, he could carry on doing so. And he will.

You don't WANT him, really you don't, all he will do is continue causing you pain. He has already put his own needs above yours and your childrens; he doesn't care. He's sorry he got found out, but if you take him back, he'll just do it again, and again, because he knows he can. He's been having unprotected sex, he doesn't care about you at all.

He doesn't love you, hasn't for a long time. Please please get rid of the dead weight.

Ruprekt Mon 18-Mar-13 22:27:02

I do not think you can make it work.

Thanks for answering the question.

I think he panicked when found out and now says he hates her. The who,e thing is a terrible mess and I really feel for you but he would be out on his ear if it were me!

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 22:30:24

Anyfucker - I understand what you're saying but I'm glad he hates her now. That he's told her all his love for her has gone. Seeing his son hate him and in so much pain has made him hate her. And she threatened his job. She said she only did that to try and get him to talk to her - so she could tell him about the pregnancy. I wouldn't let him so she blackmailed him. He then phoned his boss and told him himself to sort of pre-empt her. She then emailed the boss and stuck up for him saying he'd never neglected work when with her etc. I think so much shit has happened he'd never want to go near her again. It was only two weeks ago they were last together. Him telling her how he couldn't live without her and he loved her more than anyone. Now he says it's me he loves.

I don't know what is going on in his head.

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 22:36:30

Janey, listen - He can't just switch his feelings off for her because of your son's reaction to this. He's talking absolute bullshit and deep down, you know it. It's not a drunken one night stand. He's systematically deceived you, put your health at risk and taken the absolute piss out of you, as a person in your own right.

She is not the problem. He is.

What's the saying 'you may have won the battle but you will never win the war'. You've had a short term 'victory' in securing this piece of slime, temporarily. But he WILL leave. Eventually.

I can imagine you sitting there, saying you're taking all of this in but secretly thinking that we don't know him, can't see the regret at the pain he's caused, he is genuine and sorry etc. He isn't any of those things. He's been caught on the hop and he's panicked. When he's had chance to regroup this will all come crashing down around you.

It makes me so angry on your behalf that he's got you to the stage where you believe all this crap. No woman is worth lowering herself to cutting a man off from the OW to stop him leaving.

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 22:36:59

All that is going on in his head is protecting number one.

He fucked another woman that is why his son hates him.

He and you are just vilifying the OW rather than this nasty treacherous git.

She clearly forced this helpless victim to have sex with her on multiple occasions, lie, cheat and deceive everyone. What a poor helpless poppet he is.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:37:26

The person he should be hating is himself

Love, the shock has made you lose yourself. I am sure that in any other circumstances you could not condone another human being treated so shabbily. I can't imagine you ever feeling kind thoughts towards the OW, but can't you see your husband has been an absolute cunt to her ? Who the fuck does he think he is ??

Too soon for you, of course. It will come though. If you are decent person, which I am sure you are, it will come.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:39:01

I don't know what is going on in his head.

And you never will. But you can be certain it isn't your welfare occupying that grey matter.

PatriciaHolm Mon 18-Mar-13 22:39:20

He's panicking, as this wasn't in the game plan. Carrying on shagging behind your back whilst you kept house and family was.

That's gone,so he's desperately trying to back pedal. But you've seen what kind of man he is now, the real him. If you carry on as before, so will he - and that means the ilicit shagging, as soon as he can find someone else up for it.

thequeenoftarts Mon 18-Mar-13 22:39:29

Its called damage limitation Janey.

He has already put her before you, before your children, before all that you thought safe n secure....how easy it is now to squeal and say omg I'm sorry, now that he has been caught and he risks losing his home, his wife, his children,his job, his finances, his freedom to do as he pleases with another woman.

He mocked ur relationship with his bit on the side, maybe while screwing her, they both laughed at you together.

You are in a state of panic, you will get through this, you will meet someone else, your children will survive,. He will contact her again, as sure as the moon rises in the sky, he will have to pay for this child and see it it she doent have an abortion, why should the child suffer for its parents sins?

Personally I'd see a solicitor in the morning, get a maintenance order in place, get the locks changed and pack his bags, he is a worthless piece of scum to do that to you both, and when caugh he hides behind your skirts, expecting you to fight his side..
You deserve far better hun xxx

nkf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:42:00

Do you want to be part of this awfulness? Do you want to be embroiled in this squalid story about cheating and lying and unwanted pregnancy? Is this what your life is going to be? He had to confess to his boss? It's demeaning. Totally demeaning and it has nothing to do with you. Drop it. Please.

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Mar-13 22:45:37

So he blamed you for his starting the affair and he's blaming her for how it is now, eh?

The moment I read that he'd called me a boring twat would be the moment I'd know it was all over. There's such contempt there - can't you see it?

Have you heard of hysterical bonding, OP? Don't be surprised if you and he suddenly get all fired up and have a fantastic sex life and become all close and happy. Look it up - it's happened to everyone who's had a shock like that. It's a way of your mind pretending you two are lovers.

It's at times like this that it would really help if you were working. You'd have the companionship of friends at work and the routine which helps you get through bad times. It stops you dwelling on things, too. What kind of job would you like, do you think? Plenty of women at your age go back to college - is there something you'd like to do?

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:48:03

The hysterical bonding stage passes pretty quickly, btw.

Once you have "reclaimed" him, it all starts to taste a bit like ashes in the mouth....

Why are you focusing on her? At the end of the day he hasn't even had the guts to support her whilst she deals with this pregnancy. He's such a coward he didn't even tell you and dragged you into all this shit when her husband turned up on your doorstep.

I would be focussing my fury on him not her. I would be beyond angry that your poor son was there and heard everything.
How can you bear to even be in the same room as this selfish, callous, cheating Liar??

You are 48, not 78. Your life is not over. It's the fear of the unknown that is terrifying you. He called you a boring twat and booked Hotels with her!
I really hope you get strong enough to kick him out, i really do. It doesn't matter what you thought your relationship was, he clearly didn't think it was that important. Harsh but true. He sounds horrible, i'm sorry.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 22:51:10

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm just trying to get this all straight in my head. If I know he'll never go back to her and really doesn't love her anymore - and why would he after what she said to him last? - then that's what's making me hold on. 24 years has to be worth something.

Maybe he's treating her this way because he really has seen how much he loves me and his family. I can't see why he would want her anymore. I know he's done wrong but she's gorgeous and fun and she looks like she could have anyone she wanted. We were in a rut, I can see that now. It's just the strength of his messages to her. The long declarations of love and longing. I like reading and writing stuff, but never had the chance to better myself, but he's never expressed himself like that before.

Am I fooling myself?

jynier Mon 18-Mar-13 22:52:14

Op - have just seen this thread; so very, very sorry for your dreadful experience.

I have no helpful advice apart from listen to AF; she is always spot-on!

Take care of yourself and try to make long-term decisions when you are over the initial shock. Best wishes, x

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 22:53:11

You are fooling yourself.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 22:55:53

Yes, love you are fooling yourself

he may never touch this one with a bargepole again, that is quite possible

he has discarded her like a piece of shit on his shoe

But you let this go with no consequences...it won't be long until another pretty lady catches his eye.

He won't even cry when he gets caught again. Just a shrug of the shoulders should be enough next time.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:58:20

hmm yes, the hysterical bonding - my XH walked out, we talked for hours, he came back. We then had sex every night for nearly a fortnight. It felt like the relationship was new again, that we were both putting effort into it. he told me that he would never use me for sex.

At the time I had no idea that he was texting OW from 8am up to midnight. Texting her all day, all night, then going to bed with me. Our sex life was always good, had never ever been bad. In fact, the second time that he left me, the night before he left me, we had sex around 4 times in 24 hours. he still left. He spent all the next day texting OW.

It left me me several issues, including making me feel like nothing better than a cheap tart. and that he was only fucking me because he couldn't fuck her.

Don't become that person.

He betrayed you, then he told OW all these wonderful things, then betrayed her too.

so he has ruined two women's lives in a very short space of time.

What a lovely guy hmm

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:00:49

he has ruined his kid's lives too

they will never see him in the same light again

and why would they ?

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 23:02:22

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

He's left your marriage. You. He just hasn't had the decency to piss off yet because, poor him, this wasn't part of The Plan.

He's only treating her this way because he's panicked. If he really loved you and your family he would have stopped way before now. Rut or not - you didn't go out and start shagging a younger model, all the while running your husband in to the ground and saying what a boring twat he is.

You need to get angry and sharpish. Fooling yourself will only hurt you again in the long run - he'll make all the right noises now but he's gone. It's just a matter of time before he actually leaves. Don't set yourself up for another fall. Please.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 23:04:17

I know I sound like a doormat. But he's actually done everything I've asked since I found out. I've sat with him as he's replied to every text/email/phone call. He's had no other chance to be in contact. He's told her not to contact him again. He refused to speak to her about the pregnancy and explained about my panic attacks and how he thinks they are going to kill me, how it will kill me if he sees her again. So he is doing all he can because he loves me not her.

I just can't come to terms with the fact he did love her. I'm sorry. I'm going on now. Thank you everyone. It means such a lot. And to be able to talk about this.

pigsDOfly Mon 18-Mar-13 23:05:40

Read what you've just written Janey. 'Why would he love her after what she said to him'. Yet you are willing to hang onto him after everything he put you and your DCs through.

Open your eyes. He's taken so much of your self worth that you think this sort of treatment is all you deserve. He's no prize. Believe what everyone is telling you.

noddyholder Mon 18-Mar-13 23:06:14

Regardless of how this pans out you do need to look at your life ad how dependant you are on him for your view of yourself.

Teahouse Mon 18-Mar-13 23:06:27

Learn to drive and get a car, make this part of the divorce settlement. Move on. You and this ex-OW are better off without him.

You can make a new life for yourself, at 48 you have a whole lot of time and adventures ahead of you. It won't be easy but you can do things for you and not have to worry about this selfish lowlife.

Good luck, be strong, see a solicitor

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 23:07:19

OK. so lets see what happens shall we. You have got support on here. Please do not rush into anything. Please do not sleep with him.

Please keep posting.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:09:17

Janey, I am the same age as you

I consider my life not even half over. You don't need a man to hold you up. None of us do. He is the one going to kill you (metaphorically)

JacqueslePeacock Mon 18-Mar-13 23:09:25

Even if you think you can't live without him, just ask him to leave for a short time. You need some thinking space, and he needs to realise fully the consequences of what he's done. Don't make decisions in the heat of the moment and in all the shock. Have some time to yourself to think things through and see how you feel when the initial shock has subsided. It's too raw now. If nothing else, kicking him out for a week or so will make him realise everything he has jeopardised by acting like such a twat.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:11:45

Janey, you are still here, still listening. That is to your credit. There is a kernel of strength inside you, that you are not even aware of.

A lesser woman would have run screaming from this thread, or reacted with angry recriminations at the absolute battering your H has received here. I have seen it happen lots.

Stick around and keep talking it out. Keep listening. Even if we don't agree with your course of action, there is much support for you here.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 23:12:02

If there's even the slightest chance he'll go back to her or still loves her then I will make him leave. I know I can't live like that.

I guess what I'm asking is for honest opinions. No matter how much it hurts. Even after all that's happened, all she's now said to him, the fact he's heartbroken about our kids, he's told her he no longer loves her and it's finished - is it possible he still does love her?

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 23:12:50

You want to be with a man that strings 2 women along, gets one pregnant then cuts her off with instructions to have an abortion.

What happens if she doesn't?

Have you thought that maybe he's doing all these things you ask because you've been talking about it killing you/you'd die? And maybe he's just trying to absolve himself of any more guilt in the short term? I bet he's going to 'support you' through this until he thinks your stronger and then piss off with the still pregnant OW.

rootypig Mon 18-Mar-13 23:12:50

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again.

To his credit? I actually feel sorry for OW now. Am pro choice but that sentence made me terribly sad.

LTB, obviously. and don't fall into the classic trap of letting your entirely understandable rage and hurt settle on her, when it's HE who has betrayed you, and is now behaving abominably to her too.

JessicaG1985 Mon 18-Mar-13 23:13:34

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

'He refused to speak to her about the pregnancy ' - i think that is pretty disgusting actually.

I hope you make the right decision OP. Remember, he's going through all the motions now whilst you sit at his side. The truth is that he was probably hoping you would never find out and he could continue seeing her on the side. Hope you realise you are worth more than all this.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:15:38

Janey...did he even say to the OW that he is staying with you because he loves you or can't live without you ?

Look at the language he is using. He is hiding behind you. He is still denigrating you to her, by citing your mental health as a reason to dump her. How demeaning for you.

he should be staying because he cannot contemplate the alternative

not so his son won't hate him (I am afraid that horse has well and truly bolted) and certainly not out of pity for you

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 23:15:47

Of course he still loves her, you don't just switch that off in a couple of days. You may feel guilty at the hurt it's caused but it's still there. She's pregnant with his kid fgs, you can't just switch off.

It's all just damage limitation until he can get his shit together.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 23:17:53

Janey - you remind me of me - especially with AF's comment about you being strong and still being here. I kept posting, kept ignoring the advice, making excuses for XH, trying desperately to think that everything would be ok.

Everybody told me what would happen and said that they would still be here when it all went wrong. and it did. and they were. and not one person here said "I told you so".

Please dont be scared off by advise that you dont want to hear, please keep posting

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 23:18:36

I agree with AF.

When my mum left my father all he banged on about was 'who is going to want me now, who am I going to grow old with?' He never once mentioned losing the supoosed love of his life, couldn't contemplate not seeing her every day or seeing his days out with her.

Says it all really.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:19:10

skye, I have to admit I was thinking of how you were at the beginning of your own nightmare journey smile

I told you that you were stronger, much stronger than him. And so it was.

Wonderland121 Mon 18-Mar-13 23:19:41

Op he is telling you what you want to hear, I very much doubt someone who said & done all that he did can just move on from that within hours, people even in relationships say awful things sometimes to each other & they still move on.

He really is pulling out all the tricks.

I think you should ask him to leave and have some time to think.

What about the next time he is at work or away on a business trip? Will you be sitting there wondering if he is shagging someone else or even back in contact with this OW?

Will you spend your life checking his phone/bills/emails?

Not a life is it? He has betrayed you & your children & thinks because he has said sorry & cut contact with the OW everything will now be just fine.

You need to get tuff or he is going to walk all over you.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:20:24

Oops, that was very nearly a "told you so" ... blush

Wonderland121 Mon 18-Mar-13 23:21:21

What happens if she goes on to have there baby?

Bluekitty Mon 18-Mar-13 23:23:44

Janey,

I have walked this same path you are on. First thing, I know you won't accept it now or believe it. But time heals you. My heart goes out to you and your son.
I had all the same pains, and emotions you are feeling. You have to be strong though. If you feel you can't for yourself, do it for your son. Draw your strength from somewhere.
This is NOT your fault. Nothing you did or did not do gave him the right to do what he did ...full stop.
I would not have spoken to the other woman, definitely would not now. Nothing she is saying to you will help you or matter in the end. Whether you stay with you husband or leave him. She will only inflict pain on you from this point on, and most likely on purpose. I would cut all contact with her and her husband.
It's not anyone place to say whether you stay or leave your husband, that is your choice.
Ask yourself, if this was your mother, son, or someone you cared about what would your advice be to them.
This hurts now.. but wounds, even the deepest do heal.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 23:28:46

I just don't know where my head is at now. I wouldn't let him go out of the house to speak to her privately. That's when she texted to say she was pregnant. So then he went outside to phone her but I ran after him and heard him saying he couldn't support her and she had to have an abortion. My DS grabbed the phone off DH and called her a fucking cunt and said his dad hated her. I was just screaming in shock. She hung up. She then texted back later to say sorry, she loved him and would arrange an abortion as she had no support. DH texted back 'Thank you. Goodbye'.

We haven't heard from her in a week now. When she sent the email saying he was spineless liar etc. Her husband called begging my DH to speak to her as she was in a bad way. Though he's left her. I feel like she's just tried to twist the knife and is obsessed with DH.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 23:33:05

AF grin - I don't mind a "I told you so" like that

janey - sadly your H has led OW up the garden path. told her all these wonderful things, then when push came to shove, chucked her and begs to save his marriage.
I dont have much sympathy for anyone who is OW, but as I said before, he has treated her appallingly too.

You are both better off without him

showtunesgirl Mon 18-Mar-13 23:33:15

OP, there is a lot of blaming the OW here and I'm not saying that she shouldn't shoulder her share of the blame but what about your H? Is he also responsible for his actions?

He wasn't bewitched by some temptress, he sought this person out and embarked on this relationship.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 23:40:33

They've got a lot of mutual friends through an online music forum. She goes to social things with these people a lot. They've actually 'known' each other through this forum for about six years.

I've made him delete his membership of the forum and his FB account. So he now has no contact with any of them and mutual friends either.

I know he has to take responsibility. It's just from reading her posts on this forum and seeing her, it's obvious that she's someone men love. Clever and funny and unconventional. I don't think he was seeking out women. Or it could have been anyone, if that makes sense.

He's trying to be normal now.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 23:45:50

Janey, how are you going to keep him under lock and key indefinitely ?

Mark my words, Janey, in a few days he will be telling you that it's time you were "over it" and that you have to "move on".

You will drive yourself mad trying to nanny him and police his movements

It's a terrible way to live, and he will leave you in the end

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 23:45:54

No he doesn't love her. Any bloke who can treat a woman and her unborn child that crappily can't love her.

But he doesn't love you either.

The difference between you and the OW is that she knows that - and you don't want to know it.

Imagine this was your daughter. She got pregnant by a man who told her he loved her and wanted to be with her. Then he changed his mind, refused any contact with her and told her to get an abortion.

What would you think of that man?

Janey, it doesn't matter a jot that he doesn't love the OW. Nor does it mean a thing when he says he loves you. He told her that, remember and it was a lie. Just as he's lying to you in order to save his own skin, not yours.

He hates her for not going quietly and just accepting his shitty treatment of her. Why should she? He knew he was risking a pregnancy when he had unprotected sex with her. He has no bloody right to tell her what to do with her own body. They both knew the risks. Her husband has very wisely dumped her so she's got nothing to lose here, apart from the child he conceives and wants to dump along with her. She would have to be mad to want him back now and he knows it. He's burnt his boats with her now and so it's convenient for him to say he really loves you.

He does not. He loves himself.

Love your self. You're loveable, you've raised great kids and a son who's had an instinctively correct reaction to what his father has done. Take pride in him and you for that.

This will take a while, but as I was saying on another thread today, never separate what someone is like as a man from how he is as a partner.

A bad man is a bad man. A bad man saying he loves you cannot be trusted.

showtunesgirl Mon 18-Mar-13 23:48:56

You've made him give up this woman, you've made him delete his account, you've made him put you first etc. But it looks as though he hasn't done ANY of this of his OWN volition.

He's doing this because a gun is being held to his head as opposed to out of love for you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you OP, not like this. This isn't love.

LifeMovesOn Mon 18-Mar-13 23:48:59

God. This was me 3.5 years ago. Hard to honestly remember the feelings of despair, hatred, hurt. But when I read someone's story like yours it does take me back to those dark, dark days. Time IS a healer. But, I can't begin to imagine how you're dealing with the OW being pregnant (are you 100% sure?).

There are a number of things to consider

- your DH figuratively walked out on your marriage just after he started his affair
- the OW is only to blame in some small way; SHE wasn't married to you
- he does still love her, is in lust with her (whatever feelings he has) - he's just having to shut them off since he's been found out
- talking to her (and her poor DH) will do you no good whatsoever, have NO further contact, no matter how you may need/want to, to apportion blame, castigate her, yell at her
- YOU and your two children are the ones that matter now
- seek legal advice, you will need it down the line
- only a special person can prove joe they've made a mistake. Your DH has not, he's just got a dose of the guilts and realises he's blown it with her
- be there for your son and daughter

I am so desperately sorry your world has come crashing down. It's the worst kind of betrayal.

I had been married 19 years, together for 22 years. I believed him he told me it was all over and he loved me and we couldn't just throw away 22 years together. And so I took him back. And it very nearly killed me when I discovered they were still at it three months later.

I'm divorced now and have a good life. Even met a lovely man so I have to best of both worlds - my fierce new found independence and great guy most weekends. And I wasn't looking for anyone!

I have a 20yo daughter / it took her 2 years to want to have anything to do with her father. That's the price he's had to pay.

Needless to say as soon as I'd chucked the little twat out the second time, he went running to his mistress. She advised him that he was just a bit of fun, loved all the attention (and money he spent) on her, but she'd never had any intention of ever leaving her partner.

Two weeks after we split and the mistress ditched him, he was with his sisters best friend. Still is - they make each other quite unhappy.

Karma.

I wish I'd had Mumsnet in those dark days.

Here's a hug - we all need them, but you especially at the moment.

We're all here to listen and help where we can.

CleopatrasAsp Tue 19-Mar-13 00:00:51

Janey, the opposite of love isn't hate it is indifference. If he's saying he now 'hates' her then he still has very, very strong feelings for her, regardless of what he is saying. He was/is in love with her and she is now expecting his child. He doesn't love you and his relationship with your two children is now damaged, he will choose her and their child and a new start in the very near future but in the meantime he will string you along until he is ready.

You say yourself that she is younger, prettier and better educated than you - I don't actually believe this and I hate that you are putting yourself down in this way but I am taking your word for it here - if she is all those things, bearing in mind that he doesn't love you, then why on earth would he stay with you? It would make no sense.

Whatever else you do, stop with the threats about killing yourself etc, you don't want a man to be with you because he's too guilty to leave, you really don't. You want a man to be with you because he loves and adores you above anyone else and that it would kill him to leave you.

This man is not the man for you, he is a knob of the highest order and you are lucky to have discovered it while you still have plenty of time to build a happy life with someone else. Kick him out, study so that you can get a job you enjoy, learn to drive. You will never look back. Alternatively, stay with the man who doesn't love you and treated you like shit, who can't even get his snoring sorted out so you can sleep in the same room (my DH is a terrible snorer, when we found ourselves sleeping in separate rooms he went to the doctors and sorted it out). In time he will leave you but only after he has wholly destroyed your self-esteem.

You are strong, take control of your life and tell him to fuck off, you will feel better for it, believe me.

Mimishimi Tue 19-Mar-13 00:15:25

I think you should stop trying to put all the blame on the OW for trying to contact him - that does not make your H a model of restraint and virtue. Your H is just as much at fault, even more so for treating her so callously particularly with the pregnancy. If, g-d forbid, my partner ever got someone in that situation I'd think even less of him if he abandoned her and told her to murder their child. If you believe all these things about her being better looking and educated, there is nothing stopping him from doing it with the next woman he meets with all those qualities and who reciprocates the feelings. And you will have a track record of taking him back. He will feel entitled.

You should tell him that he may well think you are a boring twat but that doesn't make you his f--king doormat. He doesn't deserve you.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Tue 19-Mar-13 00:20:46

I wish I'd had MN then too - by god I would have done things differently and saved myself one shed load of grief, it's so sad though that you know what someone is going through - but so rarely can prevent them from putting themselves through the same shit as you went through sad However, I didn't listen to anyone else either, I thought that he was different/special, that we were different/special, that all the years had to count for something... that he loved me because he did xyz that I'd told him to do... I want the OP to be able to learn from our mistakes - but I have a feeling she wont, she will do what we did and have to learn for herself sad

We will be here, no matter what you decide to do x

I don't want to repeat all the things that have been said - so the one thing that stands out to me is that you say he wont do it to his kids - he already has and you shouldn't feel he's not cheating on YOU because of your KIDS. Value YOURSELF.

tightfortime Tue 19-Mar-13 00:22:08

CleopatrasAsp is right. There's a fine line between love and hate and indifference isn't happening here. He hates her too much not to care.

He's only trying to stay with you because she told him where to go when he behaved terribly to her, to try and keep you sweet.

Please, please, send him off for a few days. Stop controlling everything he does. He should be making the effort, not you.

The read the wise words on here over and over.

The marriage is gone. Irreparably. If not her, there will be someone else. His behaviour since you found out is nothing more than knee jerk reaction to being caught. He checked out long ago.

Please stop worrying about him and the OW. Mind yourself....

ChippingInIsEggceptional Tue 19-Mar-13 00:22:12

Mimi - and told her to murder their child there is no need for that - this is NOT a debate on abortion.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 00:26:39

"all the years had to count for something"-this has to be one of the saddest and useless phrases on MN

until a selfish, self-centred, deceitful person decides that actually they count for fuck all

but still the deceived think that they do, that they must or what's it all been for ?

only to themselves, do they count

they count to make you tolerate the intolerable

to make you forgive the unforgiveable

to throw good money after bad

to carry on with that misguided notion that if you just carry on, all the accumulated years of your effort and sheer wanting it to work out, will make it so

it won't

BookieMonster Tue 19-Mar-13 00:31:44

OK, he says he loves you but fucks another woman and leaves her pregnant.
He says he loves the OW but dumps her and tells her to abort his child to save his own skin.
I really have no idea why you still want him.

Mimishimi Tue 19-Mar-13 00:35:33

Chipping: Sorry, that came out wrong. It sounded like OW did not want an abortion and OP said she was struggling with the guilt of that to the point of being suicidal, so I assumed that OW personally felt that it is murder and he just brushed it off and told her to get one anyway. Which makes him an absolute prick.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Tue 19-Mar-13 00:55:48

Mimi - there is no doubt he's an absolute prick sad

Hatpin Tue 19-Mar-13 01:05:09

What would you advise your son to do, OP, if one day in the future he sleeps with someone he doesn't really love and she accidentally falls pregnant?

Would you stand by while he dumps her and their unborn child by text?

What excuse will you give your son as to why it was OK for his father to do it? And why you stood by him?

Snazzynewyear Tue 19-Mar-13 01:23:49

He only loves himself, that's for sure. I feel very bad for you, OP, but tbh I also - unusually for me - feel sorry for the OW here, not to mention her poor husband who swallowed his pride to ring the man she'd had an affair with and ask that man to speak to her because his wife was so distressed. Three adults and several children here are hurting badly - meanwhile, the OP's husband gets to have it all the way he wants it, no matter how many times he changes his mind. Selfish bastard. Remember, this won't be the end of it.

Snazzynewyear Tue 19-Mar-13 01:26:30

And, sorry to say this OP, but given what you have now posted about his years spent working away from home, plus separate rooms, I would bet this is not the first time he has cheated. I don't wish to add to your pain but you may as well face it all now. It's bad enough already.

Bogeyface Tue 19-Mar-13 01:28:19

Just because the OW has all the personality and physical traits you wish you had (sorry, but I do see low self esteem in your posts. I have been a cleaner too, what the fuck is wrong with that?!) doesnt mean it is her fault.

She could have walked up to your husband stark naked and got his cock out, but that doesnt mean he had to fuck her. He chose to.

Whatever she is or isnt, he CHOSE to cheat on you. He CHOSE to act in a way that he knew would hurt you. He CHOSE to put a fuck above 24 years with you.

He CHOSE to do all of this. Forget her, this is about what your husband deliberately did to you. He didnt love you enough to stay faithful, he didnt care enough about your marriage to keep it sacred, he didnt love his children enough to keep their family together. And when push came to shove, he didnt even care about his shag enough to support her when she announced she was pregnant with his child.

This is a nasty selfish man who has cheated before, YES HE HAS. I know you want to believe he hasnt, but believe me, he has.

What you choose to do now is up to you, but please do bear in mind that if you stay with no consequences apart from you being grateful he chose you then he will do it again, and again and again.

Chubfuddler Tue 19-Mar-13 06:02:48

Yes I agree with everyone else.

You see his swift and brutal rejection of OW as evidence that deep down he prefers you.

We all see it as further evidence that he is a total bastard.

I take the way people treat other people as indicative of how they are likely to treat me. He can dispose of her without a backward glance. He can do the same to you. And he will. It just doesn't suit him to do it yet.

The power balance in this marriage has been off kilter for a long time op. you are dependent on him financially, practically and emotionally. That would be ok if you were married to someone kind, someone who valued your contribution. But you aren't.

Mondrian Tue 19-Mar-13 06:10:15

If you don't respect yourself no one else will, including your DC - and this is coming from a man. So please stop talking about ending of life and look at starting a new life, you deserve better.

Notafoodbabyanymore Tue 19-Mar-13 06:31:42

Janey - I am so, so sorry for you at the moment, what an awful situation.

You need to stop asking whether he loves the OW or not. That is irrelevant. What you should be asking is whether he loves you. I don't believe anyone could love another person and treat them the way he has treated you.

If you believe he is genuinely sorry (though I strongly doubt it, from what you've said) then you need to decide if you can stay with someone who has betrayed you, lied to you and openly scorned and denigrated you. Only you can make that choice. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you hold all the cards at the moment. You can choose what happens next. But I agree with all the others telling you to give yourself some time apart to make a more level headed choice.

And FWIW, he's the one who's a boring twat for doing the same stupid thing as so many faithless bastards before him, then trotting out the same tired old bullshit to try to get out of it.

Inertia Tue 19-Mar-13 06:43:09

It's heartbreaking to see your pain Janey.

No matter how much you want your life to go back to the way it was, your husband has damaged things so irreparably that it would be virtually impossible even if he wanted you, and wanted to make it work.

But he doesn't want to make it work.

He's using you , your home , your family to buy himself time while he lines his soldiers up. He needs to smooth things over at work, he wants OW to end her inconvenient (for him) pregnancy, he wants to run the show. He is telling you what you want to hear so that he can do all this from the comfort of home rather than some Travelodge, until he's sure that OW has done as he's ordered her to , and then their path will be clear to get back together. He wants OW, he doesn't want an inconvenient , expensive, fun-spoiling baby in the picture.

Bottom line - you can never ever believe a word this man says.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 19-Mar-13 07:07:55

Stop aiming your hatred at the OW, aim it at your husband.

I doubt he does hate her, what he's doing is panicking, he's been found out. And 'to give him credit' he asked her to have an abortion. Seriously? That's vile.

Start laying the blame with your H, he should take responsibly for his actions. You forcing him to delete his FB etc isn't doing that. Do you really want him after all this? Do you really think things can go back to normal? You said you've spent years in separate rooms, what are you hanging on to?

He certainly isn't a prize worth having.

Xales Tue 19-Mar-13 07:39:37

Stop blaming OW for your H actions.

He chose to do this. He was not forced.

He told OW all the shit about how awesome she was and how crap you were to get her into the sack. He was not forced.

There are too many of you in this. Your son should not be interfering. Why are you both determined she is vile but your H isn't?

If you don't face that your H is to blame this will fester and putrify.

Midwife99 Tue 19-Mar-13 07:42:24

Also I think it's very damaging to be involving your kids in this way. Get some dignity woman!! He called you a boring twat!

Cooroo Tue 19-Mar-13 07:51:04

12 years ago my world fell apart when I found my DH was having an affair with someone I thought of as a close friend. It is a terrible, terrible time. I couldn't eat for weeks. It was as if the ground had been taken from under my feet, there was nothing left to hold on to.

I know how long it took me to let go and tell him to leave. Whatever people are telling you, you've been married to him for 22 years and unfortunately you can't just let go - but I bet you will. He really doesn't sound worth the pain and struggle of re-building the relationship.

My sister told me at the time 'You will look back on this and realise it was the best thing that could happen'. She was so right. I am much much better off without him (he married the OW and our DD is a frequent visitor, especially since she got a boyfriend who lives nearby!). I have a lovely, calm and dependable man (occasionally grumpy!) with whom I've built a better life.

You will have to go through so much pain, but really DO take it a day, or an hour, or a minute at a time. It's a cliche but it's so true. Look too far ahead and you can be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the thing.

Take care of yourself, and try to keep some dignity - don't slag him off to your kids (maybe different as they're older - mine was 3 and I tried to keep things normal). You will come out of this much better than they will.

BettySuarez Tue 19-Mar-13 07:59:39

OP, if you asked your husband to leave now, where do you think he would go?

Straight back into the arms of this OW, that's where.

He would cry and wail and plead and beg, tell her he's sorry. Tell her he loves her and that he always will. That you forced him to stay but he has never loved you etc etc etc.

In short, he is a cold hearted twat who will do/say anything to get what he wants.

Right now, he's planning how to leave you. It might take him weeks or even months to get his plans together but he will leave because he doesn't love you.

Any man willing to abandon a pregnant partner is just the lowest of the low. Utter scum. I could not bare to have a person like that anywhere near me or my children. My skin is crawling at the mere thought of your vile, vile husband.

Get a grip, get him out of your home and as far away from you and your family as possible.

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 08:03:25

Thank you everyone so much for responding. It really does mean so much. I know what you are all saying is the truth, but it's just so impossible not to be with him. And I know all his good points. I know how weak that sounds.

The other thing is this. It's been to painful to admit but the reason we don't have sex much anymore is that it's painful for me because I have lots of fibroids. I'm due to have a hysterectomy soon. He knows this. He didn't tell her, he told her sex with me was boring and going through the motions. When I told her and her DH this when we went round she looked disgusted with him and her DH had to go outside to stop himself hitting my DH. How can I cope on my own after a hysterectomy?

On one of the FB messages she'd asked him if he was missing me. He was away. He didn't say no or not really. He said 'not in the slightest'.

Oh god it's just so painful.

BettySuarez Tue 19-Mar-13 08:07:01

Your state of health is NOT the reason why he decided to treat you so appallingly. He did what he did because he thinks of no one other than himself.

Stop making excuses for him or looking for 'reasons'

And of course you will cope after a hysterectomy, plenty of people do.

Cooroo Tue 19-Mar-13 08:08:02

I found I just didn't recognise my DH anymore. Sounds like you feel the same. Someone you've loved and laughed with - how can they turn into someone else? Unfortunately this is what happens when someone (prob women too!) become infatuated with a new person. Friends told me they were shocked at his behaviour, it was so unlike him. Unfortunately we probably all have it in us to behave this badly.

Take your time, you can't just cut off. But i suspect you will have to eventually and in time you will come to see this. The pain is horrible. But you are not alone. Stay here and vent all you like!

CuttedUpPear Tue 19-Mar-13 08:08:57

OP I am another swelling the ranks of those who have been cheated on like yourself.
My DP had an affair with our neighbour.
When I found out I took the DCs and left the country in an effort to pull myself together. He renounced the affair and followed me there to bring me home to him. The fool I was, I went back with him. The thought of his deception never went away and after a year of my insecurity we split again. I regret every minute I wasted on believing him. A year later he was back with the OP.

I'm sorry but I don't believe your DH's compliance will last.
Forcing him to share all his communications with you will soon wear thin and he will want his own life/privacy back.

kateissotired Tue 19-Mar-13 08:09:32

You will cope with the support of your friends and your children. You should not rely on your H as support when you are even more vulnerable, he can not be trusted now, let alone when you are recouperating. Ask him to leave, get a counsellor, get your finances in order and put yourself first. Sex was boring, what a mean and cruel man.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 08:10:03

your children can help you after a hysterectomy

And it's not the completely debilitating operation it used to be

My friend was able to care for herself independently following her hysterectomy last year, if somebody got some shopping in for the first few days

Stop looking for excuses

DragonMamma Tue 19-Mar-13 08:12:04

Ok, so what are his good points?

Good with the kids - he's been shagging around behind their mother's back

Makes you laugh - can't see you laughing now

Works hard - whilst shagging another woman

'helps' around the house - it's not help, it's what he should be doing.

Why are you worried about coping after the hysterectomy? You have 2 grown children and I bet you have friends and family willing to help out. Do you think single women never have ops??

Please grow a spine now, whilst your dignity is in tact.

differentnameforthis Tue 19-Mar-13 08:15:37

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion

So he sleeps with her, falls in love with her, gets her pregnant & tells her not to contact him & to get an abortion.

It isn't just your life destroyed. He has played you both & he is leaving her to deal with the fall out.

There is nothing "to his credit" about that. He is a coward who has walked away when the going got tough.

Despicable.

BettySuarez Tue 19-Mar-13 08:18:51

OP - listen to what people are saying.

grow a spine
get a grip
have some dignity

The fact that your husband is a lying, hateful, low-life scum who hasn't loved you for a long time is not in question here

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

CATSNDOGS Tue 19-Mar-13 08:19:35

Janey, hope you're ok today. you must still be in shock. how are things with H today? Has he gone to work?

i just wanted to say that i hope you feel strong enough to speak to a sister/brother or a trusted person today about this awful bombshell.

other people are giving solid advice here Janey. the reality is that at the moment, you are in a very hard place which hurts so much but it wont always be like this. you have to look after yourself.

Things will never be the same with your marriage and it would take a very determined H to be able to change and retore your confidence in him. it is very hard to change the fibre of your being Janey. your H has so much to work on. it may be possible to change some things but maybe not everything. he is capable of being so lacking in respect towards you.

can you imagine always looking over his shoulders/ feeling like you're second best/ weren't important enough?

could you start imagining a life where you are independent, free of H and his nasty behaviour? it will take time to get there and it will be a struggle.

just think about the current situation continuing/ mellowing down but still quietly simmering until the next "episode":

- You can never truly trust H again, can you be truly happy for the next 40 years?
- He will be angry that you found out and may be resentful to you/things stay stuck in a rut with you two
- He has treated you with contempt and cruelly insulted you behind your back
- He could deceive you again and his recent behaviour shows he is fully capable of being like that

there are so many more things i could say.

hope you've had something for breakfast.

differentnameforthis Tue 19-Mar-13 08:23:16

Look what she's done

I know you are hurting OP, but please stop acting like she forced your dh into this.

THEY'VE caused this, THEY HAVE, not just her.

BettySuarez Tue 19-Mar-13 08:36:59

There is lots of support and advice on here for you Janey. Plenty of people (sadly) who have been in your position before.

You need to start planning your own life now. Let us help you.

What do you need to know?

Advice about divorce?
Finances?

Can't you at least tell him to give you some space? It will look like you have just laid down on the floor and accepted everything and he hasn't even had to go out of the door once.
I think you should stop thinking about him and think about all this affecting your son. You both need time away from him.
You need to read some of the relationship threads on here to realise it is very far from 'impossible' not to live with an adulterer. No man has to validate our existance, that is so very wrong. Your children are now adults, not babies. You need to focus on getting strong and looking to your future.
I could'nt contemplate a future spent reading his Facebook and messages and constantly worrying he was going to do it again because i would never be able to trust him.

chocoflump Tue 19-Mar-13 08:44:37

Your daughter will eventually find out- how would you feel if she was going through this in 20 years time? You would tell her to leave him, that she is worth so much more than that... well so are you!

Too much blame is being put on the OW- yes she was in the wrong but so was your DH. OW is paying for what she done- she is now on her own with two young children and possibly a newborn. Yet your DH is back in your family home, and you want to make things work with him.

He WILL do this again. He's seen now that he can get away with it. All he has to do is say he no longer loves the other woman.

Please leave him. I don't know if you have any friends or family, but you have your two children. They will help after your hysterectomy and help you through this hard time. thanks

CATSNDOGS Tue 19-Mar-13 08:47:56

Janey, just to say if you can still have a life at your age and wanted to give you a very short story:

my aunt was 68 when she got married for the first time!!

she's the kind of girl who struts her stuff in nice kitten heel boots, skinny jeans and a blazer. she's way more glam than i am!

NandH Tue 19-Mar-13 08:58:54

I havnt got anything to add to what anyfucker has said! ...honestly, the best thing you could do is take ALL her advise!!!

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 09:21:02

Look I want to intervene here to tell people to STOP with this 'get a grip' 'grow a spine' terminology. I posted on MN after my exH's affair...and I will never forget how upsetting it was to have advice couched in those terms. I made sure he left but not because people on here spoke to me like that. Be gentle with the OP ffs.

Greensleeves Tue 19-Mar-13 09:23:03

Fucking hell, this man has effectively got two women fighting over him to the point of self-harming! Has he a solid gold cock?!?!

You will feel SO much better if you take control of this situation. Let yourself get angry. Boiling, spitting angry. Like this: angry angry angry This man is not worth the shit on your shoe. Kick him out! Honestly woman, find your centre and kick him out.

Come on, you are better than this!

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 09:24:16

Oh and as a result of that, there is no way on earth that I would seek advice of a personal nature outside of the dating thread...where people are very helpful and lovely. Most depressing to be told to 'grow spine' when your world has been detonated into tiny pieces!

Greensleeves Tue 19-Mar-13 09:24:32

x-post - but I disagree ike1. Different things work for different people - and by asking for advice on a forum you are inviting people's own responses. This is mine. angry

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 09:30:52

Disagree if you want but I am saying that I found it DESTRUCTIVE to have advice couched in those terms. Practical advice and being pointed out the FACTS sure but you are practically flaming someone who is on the ground. Anyway dont want to derail the thread. Just suggesting people think before they speak.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 09:32:24

There is kindness here too, ike although I take on board what you are saying

However, nobody could treat this poor woman worse than has already been done by her h

OP is still here....like I said upthread,, it says an awful lot about her and more about the quality of advice she is getting, that she asked us for

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 09:38:14

Update. He works from home so I know theres been no contact.

She texted this morning to say abortion is arranged for Thursday. She says she's having to go on her own, her husband is looking after their son, and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'.

I just want her out of our lives.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 09:42:34

Janey I know just how you are feeling right now and I will try to be gentle.

You have had some excellent advice on this thread, most of which I know you just dont want to hear, because your responses are still asking teh questions 'can we make things work?'

From experience, yes you can make it work. I did, I controlled my husband and told him what I wanted to happen, he went along with it like a little puppy and we managed to LIMP ALONG for another 6 years.

Then I WOKE UP and smelt the coffee and I left him. Not just because of the affairs (several, even though he only admitted to one - sorry OP) but because I realised that I was worth much much more than being with someone who didnt actually love me.

I started to look after myself, I mean REALLY look after myself, I went to the gym, lost weight and I feel better than I ever have in years, without blowing my own trumpet, men WANT me, I can CHOOSE now, rather than just waiting for crumbs from someone who I adored.

I am single and have been for 2 years and I have never been happier, my children are happy too, because I am happy and SO IS MY EX. We were not meant to be together, he is not a bad man, but he should have admitted years ago that he didnt really love me!

Please please think this through, and consider this:

1. THe OW is a person, possibly carrying a child, your H's child. This unborn baby does not deserve to be 'punished' remember when you were carrying your own children? imagine someone making you feel forced to abort either of them?

2. Yes, you have been wronged, but you are directing your anger at the wrong person - i.e. the OW - you need to realise that your H has done this

3. Please try and stop forcing him to do what you want him to, If he really wants to make it work with you, he will do all those things anyway, all that will happen if you force things will be that there will be resentment all around.

4. I am not going to go in the camp of calling your H all the names under the sun, it took me a long time, but I eventually realised that my H had his reasons for doing what he did and whilst this is not a great way for him to go about things, this could have been a 'cry for help' about his unhappy life. This could be a wake up call for everyone concerned and enable you all to move on to a better place. After all you only live once.

5. Your 'children' are not babies, they are adults. Hating their Father is not going to help anyone at all, now or in the future and you really need to find the strength to talk to them about this (or perhaps someone else in RL could?) their Father did not set out to hurt them, he did not cheat on them, he cheated on YOU, your relationship with him and theirs with him should be completely separate and you and your H should take steps to build this back up as it really is not healthy for children to have such venim for him because of this.

I wish you happiness OP because its going to be a long difficult road, but please think about this, you cannot control how other people feel, you can control their actions for so long but it wont bring you what you want because eventually you will see that its not real. Im sorry.

LondonNinja Tue 19-Mar-13 09:42:38

Janey, Janey! You are in denial and I think you know this. There will come a point when you are angry though. There will.

Your husband has behaved terribly. He has shown he cares not for the OW, not for you and the OW's DH has shown you more compassion through his reaction to the hysterectomy situation that your own husband.

Tell your daughter. See if her reaction sparks off your anger.

Speak to your son.

They will help you after the operation, and they will be your allies.

Let the man you have married - the selfish, rude, disrespectful, uncaring bastard - fend for himself.

He will only despise your neediness. Look at the way he has treated you so far.

As other posters with experience have said, take it a moment at a time. But, please, let him leave while you find some sense of equilibrium...

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 09:44:47

and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'.

she is right

I hope you find yourself very soon. Your husband is turning you into the kind of person I don't think you ever wanted to be.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 09:46:35

'She texted this morning to say abortion is arranged for Thursday. She says she's having to go on her own, her husband is looking after their son, and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'. '

Im sorry but I agree with her Janey.

He needs to grow some balls and speak to her about this, and you need to step back, be the bigger person and let them discuss it. I know it hurts, but terminating a child is not just a 2 second decision for this woman and she should not have to do it alone. Your H made this child as well and he needs to take some responsibility for it.

LondonNinja Tue 19-Mar-13 09:47:00

I just want him out of our lives

Janey, what if she disappeared off the planet, with her baby, and her husband, too? Would that erase all that your husband has done?

Please look after yourself, don't rush or be rushed. If he does care for you, he will consider going elsewhere while you regroup. Do you think some headspace might help you to process this?

LondonNinja Tue 19-Mar-13 09:48:44

Oops, Freudian slip: I should have written 'I just want her out of our lives'

But I think it would be great if you'd said 'him'.

It is harsh to not let them talk about this unborn child, though...

JaceyBee Tue 19-Mar-13 09:49:04

Well, (and this is not a criticism of you OP) it is abhorrent. He made this baby with her, she didn't do it to herself! I think he would redeem himself slightly if he supported her through what will be a horrendously painful experience for her. But he is a spineless coward who is effectively hiding behind your skirts and just hoping she'll shut up and go away. He has treated you both appallingly.

I know you think that if she disppears then everything will go back to 'normal'. But it won't, it just can't.

And listen, panic attacks will NOT kill you. They are scary and awful but utterly harmless. It's just your body trying to keep itself safe by going into fight/flight response. Breathing out for longer than you breathe in will make them go away quicker but they absolutely will not do you any harm whatsoever.

PatriciaHolm Tue 19-Mar-13 09:51:32

Even if you do succeed in getting her out of your lives, it just creates a gap that your husband will fill with another woman pretty soon. You can't control him, even if he works from home you can't possibly track his every thought and communication. And why why would you want to?? Why would you want to be a relationship with someone you have to control to be with you? Who has to be policed to stop them shagging someone else?

I'm so so sorry janey, it's shit, and incredibly hard to take in. But he checked out of your marriage years ago.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 09:53:18

I might not be the right person to suggest this as I have a hatred of all OWs and cheating hubands. I would let the OW go through the abortion alone and then kick the idiot H out. Punish both. But then I am totally unempathetic to both of them. My concerns are for the OP only and I totally understand the place she is in at the moment.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 09:55:22

Janey said he also works away from home. I assume the "working from home" is a temporary measure just now.

How will you keep him under lock and key when he goes back to a usual working pattern ?

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 09:56:19

Janey, lovely lady, do try to find the strength to move exH out...I understand you might not be able to do that now but certainly try to let your mind and emotions catch up with reality and the facts that are being presented here.

Greensleeves Tue 19-Mar-13 09:58:44

I think his treatment of the OW is unforgiveable personally.

My post was not intended to make OP feel bad about herself, quite the reverse. I am furious FOR her. I think she will start to feel better when she finds her sense of self and gets angry with this dickhead on her own behalf.

This idiot has the knack of making other people feel like victims. The idea of wome fighting over him makes my stomach turn. God help whoever "wins".

deXavia Tue 19-Mar-13 09:59:32

Op I'm going to ask you to look at this from a different perspective. To a degree there are similarities between your situation and my mum's - well except the other husband locked my dad and ow in the bedroom then called my mum over to 'discuss' it!
Anyway she also thought it would be 'impossible', that she could 'control him' and it 'would be fine' .

It wasn't frankly for either of them. She couldnt deal with the distrust, or get over what happened - like a scab she had to pick. He couldn't cope with the control and resented it (yes I know poor him - but come what may he's my dad)

It all broke down, more grief, more heartache.

Please give yourself time away from him to take stock. Even if right now its 'impossible' some space may make you realize what is 'possible'. Your kids will help - tell them both - they are adults and can make their own minds up again over time.

My heart goes out to you and your family but you need to realize your current reaction as visceral as it is, is only short term. You need to have space to work out your long term.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 19-Mar-13 10:01:42

sad

Such an awful thread. So much pain and misdirected anger.

In the aftermath of an affair, I was advised that actions speak louder than words.

Your H's actions at the moment tell us everything we need to know about whether you both can make it work...and its not looking good sad

You need to back off and let him take full responsibility - do not dictate to him about what he can or can't do.

You cannot control his thoughts or emotions.

Getting rid of her will NOT solve things - there are other women.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:05:11

Oh OWs make me sick...just as cheaing Husbands do...I'd hang em both out to dry personally...couldnt give a shit about either of their feelings. I am glad she is being treated despicably by him. I would rather Janey was out of it though and in a safer calmer place with her kids as deXavia suggests

Janey, I can see you are hurting, and I am so sorry, for this is truly horrid.
I have been on MN for over 8 years, and never have I seen a man behave more despicably than your husband is treating you, and her.

And in the middle of all this hurt and anguish, it is also the first time I see a wife ready to cling so badly to her scum of a husband, not willing to let him go.

You must hurt so badly. He has shat all over the marriage, all over you family, all over your feelings, and her feelings, and you are mopping up the shit for him.

Now that he knows just how much shit his wife will put up with from him, how long do you think it will take him to find a new young woman to woo and knock up?

How many women do you think he will destroy because you shield him from the consequences of his actions?

You need to get really angry with him for what he has done. You need to kick him out.

He has nowhere to go? He should have thought of that before declaring his undying love for another woman in front of you. He should have tried to mend his marriage if he was so bored. He should have tried to connect with you instead of looking for romance elsewhere. This is not your fault. It is his fault.

You cannot hold him from her by refusing to let go. Let him go. So what if he goes to her? Let him free so he can show his true colours!

The only thing keeping him at home is the fact that it is easy. He does not have to win you back, he does not have to prove anything.

Kick him out and see if he wants to fight to get you back!

If he does not, he wont be worth keeping. You cant trap him, like a butterfly in a box. That is not going to make him love you, or realize just how badly he has fucked up!

AgathaF Tue 19-Mar-13 10:09:55

She texted this morning to say abortion is arranged for Thursday. She says she's having to go on her own, her husband is looking after their son, and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'. - I totally agree with her, it is abhorrent. I understand why you don't want him to talk to her, but it is still wrong. It is not just her responsibility, he created this pregnancy too, willingly.

I just want her out of our lives. - he let her in to your lives. It is his responsibility to remove her from your lives, if he so chooses to. It shouldn't be yours to lock him in a guilded cage. No good can come of that.

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself, to explore your feelings on this? And after that, some counselling for both of you, if you really want to stay together. You both need to understand the weaknesses in your marriage, and what led him to take himself off and have an affair rather than try to mend the problems he felt your relationship has. You can't just simply blame everything that has happened on her and expect to move forward successfully. He has to want to and to be committed to the long and painful task of creating a new and good marriage for you both. Up to now, I don't think he has shown anything like that committment. He has just tried to pretend it didn't happen, whistled under his breath and hoped the bad, pregnant lady goes away.

CATSNDOGS Tue 19-Mar-13 10:11:49

hoping to be happy, your post was very inspiring. Janey, how did hopingtobehappy's post read to you?

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 10:12:18

ike1 - In several months/years when Janey has come out of the anger and moved on, I fear that she will not forgive herself for the treatment of the OW with regards to the abortion. That is just one of the reasons that I think that she whould be 'the bigger person' here. For herself as well as others.

The OW is being punished enough, she doesnt need any more.

Greensleeves Tue 19-Mar-13 10:13:06

ike1 I find your comments about the OW scarily vindictive. Nobody deserves to go through an abortion alone like that.

It's OP's DH who has betrayed her. Nobody else. Taking pleasure in the misery of another woman he has abused is NOT going to help.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 10:14:08

Thank you CATSNDOGS :-) I wish someone had told me all that years ago and I hope it helps the OP

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:14:23

Well I knew someone would point that out Hoping...and yes of course that is potentially so...but speaking from my own experience...nearly 4 years down the line...that is unlikely. But worth pointing out Hoping.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 19-Mar-13 10:15:00

Janey - we all understand how you feel. Some of the advice on here is harsh, but only because people do know what you are going through.

Please stick with this thread, you will need the support.

You are in a deep state of shock at the moment, so you are not thinking correctly.

You are obviously unwell too. Have the operation, think about what is really important in your life and how you want your future to be. Think about how you can achieve that future. Think about the person you are and the person you want to be.

CATSNDOGS Tue 19-Mar-13 10:15:31

pure, very wise words.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 10:15:50

No woman should be forced to go through a termination on her own, with no discussion brooked. I don't care what she has done. It is abhorrent, and it is despicable. I also think OP will regret her actions here.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:16:42

Green, look, you are asking the impossible for the op or myself to have any empathy for women who screw other people's husbands. End of. Sorry if you find it scarily vindictive. oh well.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:18:03

The OW can pay for third party counselling AF, like the OP will have to do I expect.

Greensleeves Tue 19-Mar-13 10:18:56

sorry ike1 but you don't KNOW the OP. You're projecting. And do you really think you are the only other person on this thread who has ever been betrayed?

Actually it is NOT normal to be this vindictive towards a woman who is facing an abortion on her own. It's vile.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 10:19:52

OP is blocking her H's contact with the OW for the wrong reasons. She is blocking it because she is terrified he will choose her. She is colluding in her H's terrible mistreatment of a woman who has been just as badly fucked over as she has. A decent person will regret this when the dust settles.

And this despicable man is sitting pretty.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:20:11

Whatever Greensleeves ...I did say that I might not be the best person to suggest advice...but I have complete empathy with the OP.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:21:47

Logically I understand what you are saying AF but... it is extremely difficult to have empathy for a woman who has also conspired against you.

You are angry and lashing out at the wrong person. I agree with AF. He's a vile excuse for a human being and you would be well rid of him.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:24:09

I am not arguing against those who are suggesting empathy but I am saying it is asking a great deal of someone in the OP's circs.

Lavenderhoney Tue 19-Mar-13 10:24:24

Op , I have read your posts and feel very sorry for you. It's a dreadful shock finding out as you did, catapulted into it by the ow dh.
I think you have been given some excellent advice on this thread. I do think its harsh not to allow him to speak to the ow though, in this circumstance. It's all happened very quickly, the finding out, and won't just all go away after Thursday.

I don't see how you can live happily together in future, with this memory. It's very hard to laugh together and make love, share life and bring joy to each others lives, you becoming independent, driving, working, your dc leaving him for good, just the two of you. It might take years to get there, or do you think you and he will stay in separate rooms , with bitterness and misery souring the atmosphere?
After how he treated you and the things he wrote and said, I couldn't do it.

Controlling him like this wont make you happy. It only really punishes you, it doesn't matter what happens to him - only you. Get yourself on the road to happiness and get him out. Or leave yourself for a bit.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 10:24:35

ike...do you think no-one else has empathy with the OP ?

some of us are trying to point out that she is now acting in ways that collude with the damage her appalling H has already meted out....to the OW and to her

the best way, the only way to save some part of yourself from this absolute mess is to do the right thing, and act with dignity

dignity is all we have left really, when we take away everything else

will OP look back and think she did the right thing ?

I think not

Mosman Tue 19-Mar-13 10:25:29

The OW isn't pregnant I'd bet my last penny on it.
However the reaction of the husband tells you all you need to know about him as a human being.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 10:28:38

sorry, ike, we are cross posting repeatedly

I don't OP think should extend any hand of empathy/sympathy/understanding/whatever to the ow

ABSOLUTELY NOT

but she is colluding in her H's appalling behaviour

she should step back and stop protecting him from the almighty fuck-up he has created, and stop shielding him for the consequences of his actions

this is for her long-term good....because all of her actions now are storing up future hurt for her

not giving him consequences, making excuses for him, blaming a predatory woman, attempting to control his actions and his thoughts etc

none of these will work towards getting what she (thinks she) wants

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:31:43

Did I say noone has any empathy with the OP AF ...certainly not! But I am suggesting that it is very difficult under these circs to ask the OP to have any empathy for a woman who has been complicit in ruining your life.

I am suggesting I understand entirely where she is coming from. Now people might not like to hear that, yes, vistims such as the OP feel vindictive, but for some that is certainly the case. By all means I hope the OP is able to take on board logic. But I understand her feelings.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 19-Mar-13 10:32:01

OP if you're not going to get rid then at least ask him to move out for a period of time in order for you to look at the situation clearly without his influence & get your head together.
The situation you are in is truly appalling & I really feel for you but I honestly don't believe that you can now make the marriage work, sorry-I think that given time alone you will see this too.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 10:32:02

I doubt the pg too, actually. But, frankly, it is immaterial at this moment in time. All the damage is still ongoing, whether she is lying or not. This man let this woman into their lives, and now it is all supposed to just disappear.

It can't. Why the hell should it ?

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 19-Mar-13 10:32:31

ike1 - I have been where OP has been. Yes, I was angry with OW who was a mutual friend so understand that feeling but there is no way I could have colluded in such disgraceful and vile treatment sad

Remember the saying re revenge - be prepared to dig two graves.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 10:33:17

Fair enough, ike. Will stop cross posting with you now.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:36:17

Sure AF it would be preferrable that she should stand back and let dominos fall as they will...that takes mighty, mighty strength! I understand that people see she is COLLUDING and yep great to have that pointed out...but I certainly dont blame her for not wanting to get sonme form of revenge...that may be unhealthy in the long run ...we dont know.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:37:31

Sure Mad...maybe you are a better person than me. Its all right AF re cross posting.. we will sort it out in the end I am sure.

Strangemagic Tue 19-Mar-13 10:41:39

AF is right,when you have babied him ,policed him,covered up for him,forgiven him,let him walk all over you and you're on the floor emotionally and mentally,he will walk with out without a backward glance because you have given him all the ammunition he needs by your behaviour,in his head there is nothing he can't do because he will always be forgiven.
I feel dreadfully sorry for you,your children and the OW,she is having to deal with reality and your "husband"is hiding and you are letting him,I cannot believe that this is going to end well for you.

Midwife99 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:49:07

She is lying about the abortion. There is no way it could have been arranged that quickly & she wouldn't be able to go alone for it anyway. She can't drive after a GA. Anyway, the point is what about you Janey? Let's focus on what you need/want not her.
You need support & the courage to know that YOU deserve better than this public humiliation & character assassination by your H (sorry can't add the D!). So you have his kids, get a bit older, develop fibroids making sex painful & are awaiting surgery & he shags someone else because you are boring? No he shagged someone else because he is a bastard. You will recover from the hysterectomy very quickly honestly. Then it will be time for YOU to enjoy your life with people who respect, love & care for you. He doesn't. I'm sorry sad

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:54:01

Totally agree Midwife!

PlasticLentilWeaver Tue 19-Mar-13 10:55:23

What Mosman said re the pregnancy. Seems like a hell of a coincidence to me that OW announced she was pregnant just after being told it was over rather than at the hotel they had been at together earlier.

Maybe underlying his callous attitude, he does know that OW isn't really pregnant? And is trying to call her bluff in some way to try to salvage the bloody awful mess he has created?

Marriages can survive adultery, and although it is easier to say leave, I am not sure

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 10:58:02

'Well I knew someone would point that out Hoping...and yes of course that is potentially so...but speaking from my own experience...nearly 4 years down the line...that is unlikely. But worth pointing out Hoping. '

I dont have experience of an OW with a pregnancy, but I do have experience with 'coming out of the other side' of a relationship breakdown due to infidelity and I do know that when you look at the bigger picture when you are 'ok' again, the last thing you need it regrets.

The best thing for the OP to be able to do is hold her head high and KNOW that she has done nothing wrong. I fear that this could hurt her deeply in the long run. She will never have to question her own actions :-)

I hope that you can find some peace soon ike :-)

PlasticLentilWeaver Tue 19-Mar-13 10:59:04

Bloody phone...

... I am not sure the OP is ready to walk yet. She needs to make that choice for herself, not be shouted into it.

And I am not trying to defend his despicable behaviour either as I am pretty sure my marriage would not survive infidelity on either side.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 19-Mar-13 11:06:05

Totally agree with Midwife and AF.

The OW can't go through it alone as after a GA you can't drive, so I agree it's not happening, or she wasn't pregnant to begin with.

Why are you protecting your H? Why are you not angry at him? So all he has to do is waltz back in, tell you he hates her, you force him to stop all contact and everything is fine again? Do you think after Thursday everything will go back to normal?

Your H knows that he can get away with anything. After all he doesnt have to take responsibility for his actions when all your anger is directed at the OW and you just let him back, no consequences. he knows he can do it again.

Your hysterectomy isn't an excuse, your children can help.

You may think you love him but your dignity is worth so much more.

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 11:12:38

Ok I've just talked to him and he isn't going to reply. He's deleted the text.

When her DH phoned last Monday he was distraught. He said he'd made her take a test and there was no way it could be his. He also said he'd driven up to Flamborough Head at 3am and was wanting to give up. He did say because she had a history of serious depression and PND and had spent time in a Mother and Baby Unit, there were serious concerns that she should have an earliest abortion as possible due to mental health reasons and she was paying privately. I do think she's lying about going alone though, to rub it in. I think he'll go with her. He said he would.

I have no idea if any of it is true I suppose but he didn't seem to be lying and I don't see why he would. I do feel sorry for him and he has been better than any of us through this. It must have taken a lot to beg DH to speak to her.

I'm going to re-read all the replies and reflect now. Thank you all again. It has been so hard to read but I needed honesty. My friend directed me here and I'm glad she did.

AfricanSue Tue 19-Mar-13 11:13:16

Sound like a big horrible mess for everyone.
And you sound in shock. Not surprising but its a bad time to decide anything about your marriage until you can gather yourself and speak to your DH in a calmer way. TBH - and sorry to say it - but sounds like your marriage had problems and you both knew it. Hes responsible for the affair but you are both responsible for not addressing those problems before this.
Also to treat the other lady so callously is not justified. She sounds in a terrible state too and to treat suicide threats lightly is very stupid. I feel strongly about this as exactly the same happened to a woman in my office who had an affair and got pregnant by another man there who then cruelly dumped her & went home to his DW. Some people responded like the ones here on MN with a lot of vindicativeness and hatred directed at her. She parked herself outside his house and gassed herself and the unborn child.
Some people on MN are going to tell you "she deserved it" but actually she was just an ordinary person and the responsibility for her death has lingered over the marriage of that couple ever since and has destroyed their family even though they stayed together.
Have a little more compassion and forgiveness for yourself but also for everyone else please. Sounds like everyone has made some big mistakes and needs some human kindness.
Once you have better frame of mind and are through the shock you can think more clearly about whether to divorce or try to mend your marriage. I hope to try to save it.
Good luck and Gods love xxx

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:24:42

Thanks for that Hoping, and most of the time I am ok...but it takes major major work and self control. Even nearly 4 years down the line, when I see threads like this it bring all the emotions back...which is why I usually avoid them like the plague.

sassy34264 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:28:04

janey A while back you asked if he could possibly still love her. you pointed out that you couldn't believe that he still does, because of the way she has treated him since.

This is how he has treated you:

Lied to your face about the seriousness of the affair,
Called you a boring twat
Told her that he doesn't miss you 'in the slightest'
Said the sex is boring
Had sex with another woman
Had unprotected sex with another woman

and you still love him hmm

So why do you think it impossible that he still loves her?

For what it's worth i don't think he does love her. I also don't think he loves you. sorry.

If you've ever seen an animal trapped, you'll know that they spend almost all their time trying to escape.

You can't police him for ever. He will move from not loving you, to hating and despising you for it. It won't be long either.

Do you think he respects how much appalling behaviour you are willing to put up with??

If you think you're being weak or a doormat- don't you think he does too?

The only way to get your self respect/esteem back, and to get him to respect you again is to ask him to leave. Whether that's temporary or permanent doesn't need to be decided now.

If he goes back to ow, how much respect would you have for her- being treated by your dh like she is a worthless specimen, who he just happened to want sex with- and then taking him back. Wouldn't you think she is being a mug? Think about it.

Big hugs in the meantime.

familylawmum Tue 19-Mar-13 11:32:43

I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I know you feel as if you want to die, but your children need you. As so many others have said, you need to think of you. You need to be kind to yourself and that means eating and looking after your health. It is too early to say whether your marriage can, will or should survive. You may be able to forgive your husband - that is a decision only you can make. It may be a good idea to take initial advice from a solicitor, but be careful of moving things along too quickly. You need to be able to make decisions and a shattered heart makes that difficult to do. This is your marriage and it may be your divorce but the key word is "YOURS", not mine or your best friend's or your solicitor's. Yours. My advice is to consider counselling and to continue doing what you took the brave step of doing yesterday, you reached out. Look at how many strangers have been supportive - you can rely on that support at time day or night. You will survive this and you will be stronger for it.

JaceyBee Tue 19-Mar-13 11:33:20

AfricanSue - how awful! What a sad story. I could never take back someone who could be so cruel and callous to another person, especially not someone he'd claimed to love.

OP, the OW's dh seems to have more integrity, dignity, strength and empathy in his left bollock than your H will ever have. He is showing him up to be an even bigger cunt that he already is. He must really love her, to put his own pain aside and support her through this mess they created. Your H on the other hand, has treated you contemptuously. World of difference.

You so do not deserve the way he has behaved towards you.

minimus Tue 19-Mar-13 11:45:09

janey, my heart goes out to you, its such a terrible thing to have to go through. can only add to what others say, please listen to what AF said - it makes so much sense!

you may not feel like it as your self-esteem will be at an all-time low but you DO hold all the cards here, you're not powerless. you've got a lot more than you think you do, your children for starters, your cleaning job (good on you, there's nothing wrong with that btw, far from it in fact), you as a decent person.

my ex-dp eventually left me (I should've left him but I too clung on to the relationship as it was all I ever knew and like you, I was afraid I'd never meet anyone else/couldn't envisage life without him/didn't think I'd cope etc etc. if only there had been mumsnet to turn to for advice back then!)

I shouldn't have tried to 'make him stay' with me (which I did). I shouldn't have ignored the signs (that I didn't want to see) about the various OW nor made excuses for him.

I wish I could have seen it the way others were telling me sooner. Instead I wasted another 2+ years before it suddenly hit me in the face - the realisation that what friends had been saying was true all along "that he'd done me a favour by leaving me/cheating on me". I could get my life back, a better one.

I ignored all his attempts to get back with me after that day the penny dropped and I didn't see that him 'choosing' me was a good thing anymore.

You will get to that place too I am sure, the one thats right for you I mean.
Please put yourself (and your DCs) first! It's what you deserve after this shitty treatment.

PeppermintPasty Tue 19-Mar-13 11:48:40

Im not sure I've ever gone into all the hideous detail surrounding my partner's affair. Some of it will remain buried forever...Anyway, the ow in my case also announced a pregnancy after mine became common knowledge, with several of her "close friends" vouching for the authentencity of it. She then arranged a speedy abortion, demanding my dp's attention blah blah.

The point being that these situations drive just about everyone to despair and to do some really insane things. I felt for her, she had been badly used and abused by my dp, although I also saw her for what she was, and that was a very unpleasant attention seeker who would do pretty much anything to get her own way.

I think this ow probably is making it up, it wouldn't be that difficult to fool someone else about it. Maybe her dh has never seen a preg test before.

The thing is, all the flak that is passing between you and the ow, well it seems as if none of it is hitting your husband. I am sorry that you feel so so desperate. I tried (and often failed) to detach detach detach, and little by little I got my dignity back (you are not alone in losing it big time, believe me).

My courage returned day by day, my self esteem too, until a strange thing happened-I didn't want him any more, I didn't need him any more. Don't be frightened by this-you can't go back to how things were anyway, so change is coming long term, hopefully for the better.

I couldn't have done it without support in RL. I'm sure this has been said-but please please lean on your friends, they will give you strength.

differentnameforthis Tue 19-Mar-13 12:05:25

It isn't necessarily a given that she isn't pregnant. OP just said it would be a private one & if she doesn't have anyone to go with, they could give her the option of staying in (I know someone who did exactly this, was single mum, father disappeared as soon as she announced she was preg, arranged for her child to sleepover at a friends, and they kept her in overnight).

So I don't think telling op that she isn't pregnant is helpful. None of us know the facts surrounding that.

gnushoes Tue 19-Mar-13 12:09:26

If it's an early abortion it's a pills job -- no GA required, surely?

Sorry but if he works away a lot this probably isn't his first affair. The others may not have been full blown 'soul mates', maybe one night stands. But men who claim their wives are boring will consider themselves entitled to go elsewhere when the opportunity arrives.

He may be working from home at the moment but when he goes back to his regular work patterns are you going to go with him when he is away? Sit and look at his computer and phone every minute, sit in the hotel all night making sure he does not have a drink or go out anywhere that he might meet someone?

You are keeping him locked up. He is not staying because he loves you, he is there now because you are policing him and his alternative is to walk out the door - which he is not ready for yet.

Very soon you will have an argument about how you won't let him breathe. he will expect you to be 'over this' in a few days and he'll expect that life will go back to how it used to be. He'll be telling you to stop picking over it like a scab and forget about it.

I used to work in an industry where a lot of the men worked away a lot, oh the tales I could tell about the men claiming they worked away as they were 'practically separated' but this was easier for the kids. When in most cases the wife was 'happily married' with a husband she thought was working away for the good of the family.

Janey you are far better than him. Look back over your years together. Is there a reason you never learned to drive? Did he like you to be dependent on him? Does he make you feel like an important thing in his life or just someone there to run the home? Your posts are well written and you sound like a very intelligent lady. Its never too late to go back to college as a mature student. When you've booted him out and the children are grown and left home you might want to investigate doing something for yourself and go to college.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 12:11:09

I don't think anyone is "telling" OP anything.

What people are trying to say is that relying solely on what her husband says and does is a mistake. In fact, OP should be working on the premise that if his mouth is moving, he is lying right now. Same for the OW.

OP needs to make her own decisions, and that includes not being swayed by those that have no role in supporting her. The only person that has acted with any integrity here is the OW's H.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 12:12:29

I dont think it even matters whether the OW is pregnant or not, she is obviously in a state of shock/anxiety/depression and the OP's H is part of the reason for it.

Janey, please ask yourself the question, is your H not contacting her because he thinks that is what you want?

Whatever his reasoning, he is being very very cruel.

Be the bigger person here, not for the OW, for YOU, come out of this with more dignity than the rest of them put together, encourage him to contact her.

PeppermintPasty Tue 19-Mar-13 12:12:35

My point is really that these situations drive people to do desperate and stupidly cruel things. I was giving my opinion about the truth or otherwise of the pregnancy, to illustrate that. And the fact that while all this is going on, I suspect the heat largely remains off the man who has caused all this.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 12:16:25

Flibberty - totally agree with you, my H worked away from home for 10 years and during that time according to him he only had one affair (the one I found out about) I know of at least 3 more that I have found out since, but I have doubled that for realities sake and would probably add a '0' to the end too if I am honest with myself.

Greensleeves Tue 19-Mar-13 12:18:33

ike1 I apologise for directing my anger at you, that wasn't right of me. You've obviously been through hell and I sympathise hugely.

I just think OP needs to read all our different perspectives, because she must be very confused. I felt like you were trying to stop others from posting views that disagreed with yours. My response to what OP's dh has done is very different from yours, and would be if my dh did it to me.

I think what is wonderful about MN is that when you ask for advice, you get a whole rainbow of viewpoints which helps to broaden your thinking and put your own gut reactions into perspectives. Really all any of us want is for OP to be able to get the best possible outcome for her and her children out of this horrible situation, which is not of her own making sad

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 12:24:18

'Thanks for that Hoping, and most of the time I am ok...but it takes major major work and self control. Even nearly 4 years down the line, when I see threads like this it bring all the emotions back...which is why I usually avoid them like the plague'

I kind of did the opposite - buried my head for years so by the time I 'woke up' the anger wasnt really there any more and I was able to see it from his side, the OW's side and my own.

I hope that you can get there eventually, because it makes life a lot easier for everyone, honestly :-)

higgle Tue 19-Mar-13 12:26:56

The net result of all this mess is that OW is bearing the brunt of it all. OP hates her (not entirely reasonable, but understndable) OP's H is being pretty awful to her and her own husband is also upsetting her. The woman always pays the price.

i also doubt she is pregnant but people do go for abortions on public transport - if you are unlucky enough to be in prison and need one they give you the bus fare and send you on your own.

Groovee Tue 19-Mar-13 12:28:26

Oh OP, what a horrible shock for you. But You will come out the other side stronger and knowing you deserve better.

You are getting tied up in all the drama and details.

Bare facts are your husband betrayed you, your relationship was broken and he dealt with it by going off and shagging someone else. Not only did he shag her, he made love to her, got her pregnant, lied to you over and over.

All the he said she said, you let him, he worked away etc etc is just set dressing, extras the minutiae.

You need to get you big girl pants on, pack his bags and tell him the moment shagging her crossed his mind your relationship was I over. Go get yourself a haircut and a big dose of self respect and start living.

What would you say to a daughter if she came to you in your position? Get rid, I expect.

And just to finish my sadly unsympathetic post, your last thought every time he leaves the house for the rest of your life probably is if he is actually going where he has told you he is going? What about when you have your operation, sadly the last thing you will think when going under is if he is going to be contacting her whilst you are incommunicado!! Nice thought eh????

cumfy Tue 19-Mar-13 12:43:58

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You are clearly in shock and running on adrenalin.

Personally, I wouldn't believe anything he says, full stop.

I wouldn't "believe" the clip of phone call you heard.

I wouldn't believe the abortion.

Everything will seem different in a week or so, when the shock and denial wears off.sad

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 13:03:28

The OW and her husband see your husband more clearly right now than you do, Janey. The moment you disclosed your gynae condition to them caused the scales to fall from the OW's eyes and made her realise that she was just another doozy who had been believing a man's lies about why he rarely had sex with his wife. This, together with your husband's despicable treatment towards her and the child they conceived would have made her see your husband objectively for the first time. There's no way she'd take your husband back even if he promised the earth to her. But at some level, she'll be angry with herself for believing what he said and for thinking that your husband was better than the man who despite his pain and torment, can still have humanitarian compassion for not just her, but you as well. She might have lost that man for good and that, together with the loss of an unborn child is a terrible price to pay.

I understand why you have no sympathy for her and it would be too much to expect you to. But in time you will see this differently I should think. You might never have any sympathy for her but I hope you'll see the unfairness that the person who committed the equal wrong has been allowed to get off so lightly. Despite defrauding his firm, he's even managed to hang on to his job as well as his marriage.

The OW is learning a very painful lesson, but only because the consequences of her actions have led to losses. If she'd got away with it, she would never have learnt that behaviour means consequences and so it's likely that she would have continued in the same vein.

Which is the same for your husband. No consequences mean no change.

Wowserz129 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:17:19

I think the fact he isn't talking to her about the abortion and your not letting him is disgusting. They both made the baby. Stop blaming the OW for your husbands actions.

Your posts are extremely sad, this must be horrible for you but you are clearly in denial.

He will still love her.

There's nothing you can do to stop that. You need help in RL op as you are not facing reality.

hairclipcloe Tue 19-Mar-13 13:32:35

Urgh! OP your 'H' is a special kind of cunt-weasle for sure. What a cowardly shit! He could have dealt with the fall out of this situation with a lot more integrity.

His behaviour sounds disgusting, both to you and to OW. I do hope that when the shock wears off you can realise what an arsehole this guy is and move on without him. Just because you've been married for a long time is no reason to put up with this sort of shit.

The stuff he said about you can't be taken back or explained away. Why would you want to stay with someone who thinks this poorly of you and screws around? Oh and he should shoulder responsibility for the pregnancy, why wasn't he using condoms? he was happy to take risks as long as he was getting his end away wasn't he? now he's hiding away which makes it ok - utterly despicable.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 13:34:25

"He will still love her."

He never did.

He doesn't know the meaning of the word.

That's why he can throw it around so liberally to try to get his own way.

I think it's ridiculous that the daft OW is now blaming the OP for this lowlife scumbag refusing to talk to her.

If he wanted to talk to get he would.

forgetmenots Tue 19-Mar-13 13:37:48

I hope If this ever happens to me (god forbid) that hopingtobehappy is about to give me advice. Strong, wise words. Please listen to her OP.

Inertia Tue 19-Mar-13 13:42:05

Janey - glad to see you are still on the thread.

You have banned your husband from seeing OW . This is very convenient for him, because it means that can easily avoid facing up to his responsibilities.

He has had an affair, conceived a baby with OW - yet the person dealing with the resultant shitstorm is OW 's husband.

Your H is no prize. He has betrayed you over and over and he is hiding behind you like a coward.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 19-Mar-13 13:43:13

OP, I know this won't be what you want to hear but he was obviously having unprotected sex. You may want to get yourself tested for STIs. At least make sure you are safe.

AgathaF Tue 19-Mar-13 13:47:12

It is possible to arrange a termination within a week if it is to be done privately, and if it is an early one then it will be medical (tablets) so no anaesthetic and she will be perfectly able to drive or get a taxi to and from the clinic. That said, I hope she does take someone with her. It must be a hellish thing to go through, and especially on your own.

Janey - I hope you do as you say and read through the replies and reflect on what's been written and why. Your H has behaved terribly, he and you need to realise that. I assume he will not work from home forever. Will you trust him when he leaves the house on his own for work, when he works away again, when he goes out in the evening without you?

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 13:54:19

'I hope If this ever happens to me (god forbid) that hopingtobehappy is about to give me advice. Strong, wise words. Please listen to her OP'

smile thanks

Xales Tue 19-Mar-13 13:56:37

He did try to talk to OW alone.

He went outside. OP followed him out and screamed hysterically and his son snatched the phone and started hurling insults at OW.

You cannot keep him on a leash.

His behaviour to OW is abhorrent. How would you feel if he said get lost and go through your op alone?

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:59:39

Really stop with blaming now Xales...and thanks for the apology Green. Much appreciated.

Xales Tue 19-Mar-13 14:03:47

Who have I blamed for what?

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 14:06:15

I don't really see what comfort having your ex lover at your abortion would provide.

Why shouldn't she go through it alone?

That's what you sign up to when you have unprotected sex with a married man you know is a dishonest prick who treats people loves like shit.

Xales Tue 19-Mar-13 14:08:25

He could provide zero comfort in my opinion.

It is the complete cold, piss off and stop bothering my life that is disgusting.

Not a thought for what he has caused all round.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:09:56

'I don't really see what comfort having your ex lover at your abortion would provide'

I for one am not suggesting that he go and sit with her through it, but he has to take as much responsibility for the pregnancy as she does, the very least that he could do is ackowledge her and talk to her about it.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 14:15:48

"he has to take as much responsibility for the pregnancy as she does"

How?

By having his own abortion?

Ultimately what she does now is nothing to do with him.

"the very least that he could do is ackowledge her and talk to her about it."

Why? To what end?

He doesn't owe her any more than she owes him.

And she owes him nothing

She didn't even need to tell him she was pregnant.

Let's keep it that way.

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 14:17:34

The OW doesn't have to go through this alone, of course. No good friend would refuse to hold her hand during what is likely to be a traumatic experience. And of course it would be inappropriate for the OP's husband to attend. All the OW said was that she was doing this alone, not that she wanted him there. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't have spoken to her and taken responsibility for his part in what will be a dreadful experience.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 14:18:36

Xales.'How would you feel if he said get lost...'The OP has had her life destroyed by her H and the OW...she should not have to wonder about how the other woman 'feels' ...and yeah currently they are married in name so he should support the OP at her op. Not some bint who he was involved in a sleezy fauxmance with. I found the way you have worded your post is unsympathetic towards the OPs predicament Xales. Maybe you did not mean it to be?

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 14:26:57

I agree that the OP's marriage is over really, and that H is a toad....but to ask the OP to have concerns about the OW's sensibilities is too big an ask in my opnion. Some people have a more encompassing sense of responsibility under these circs, maybe. But, it should not be expected. I wish the OP some space and some peace for herself and the kids..ditto the other husband involved in this sorry mess...the rest can go fiddle...

Xales Tue 19-Mar-13 14:27:37

No I didn't I was merely asking op what she would think of a man who a week ago was saying he loved her, she was his soul mate etc turning around and saying fuck off and deal with it there's a poppet?

Hopefully op would also think that he was a shitty selfish bastard who is responsible. Not just the person he said all this to and he not worth her contempt let alone her finer emotions.

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 14:33:54

ike the point is you can't have different standards for a partner than you'd have for the rest of humanity. If the OP would condemn a man who did this to a friend, her own children or even a complete stranger, then it's illogical to apply different standards to her husband. She'll come to that realisation in time though and I wouldn't necessarily expect her to apply that logic just yet. She's probably still in trauma.

It's far more understandable that she can't see this yet than it is for the women who post on here about their partners' 'psycho exes', who are deluding themselves that a man who treated other women shabbily won't do the same to them one day.

abbyfromoz Tue 19-Mar-13 14:36:48

Janey- i Am so so sorry to hear the pain you have been put through sad
I read a lot of the posts but not all. I just wanted to say, my uncle and aunt got together at 17. Married 25 years. 3 children together. He cheated with the secretary and she found out because he had taken his ring off and she questioned him. This was about 15 years ago. She was a stay at home mum and did some odd work for him at the office of the company they owned (repairing car windows) so she knew the OW well. I have to say i look at my aunt now as such an inspiration. She left him and had nothing. She now is the state head of sales for a pharmaceutical company, travels all over the world. Their 3 beautiful children are now happily married and starting their own families, best of all she has met the best man, she looks amazing (better than ever). Leaving him and moving on was the scariest yet best thing she has done for herself. She really found herself in that horrible tumultuous time and has come out the other side so much better off. He is fine meanwhile, but he knows that he lost the best thing he ever had. Thats the best pay back! Being happy. I really hope you don't let this destroy you. You are so worth more x

angel1976 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:13:21

abby What an inspirational story, thanks for sharing it. I am sure Janey needed to hear it (and frankly so do I as I am currently going through a fairly horrendous and shocking marriage break-up due to my DH having an EA...).

Midwife99 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:16:22

I guess it depends how early re abortion. But I agree - why did she only tell him after he dumped her? She saw him that day!!

MaryZeZJezuzIzntZombiedYet Tue 19-Mar-13 15:28:16

If this is all true, his treatment of her is even worse than his treatment of you.

He is the father of this baby she is going to abort. He should have the guts to discuss it with her and to go with her.

You should have the humanity to let him - if he needs letter, ffs, how old is he?

Why on earth would you want to be with a man who can do these things?

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 15:43:16

Her explanation was that she was going to tell him but wasn't sure and was going to test. That was all interrupted by her husband finding out and knocking on our door. She said she assumed she'd get to speak to DH on his own again but as I wouldn't let him and he refused she had to make more and more threats to get him to talk to her. When he still wouldn't, her husband said she felt she had no choice but to just come out with it. She says the threats were never serious and she had no intention of doing them but she couldn't think of another way to force him to speak to her privately so she could tell him and I wouldn't find out. I think she was completely taken aback that he actually chose me and not her.

She has a way of making herself look reasonable. I just hate her.

MaryZeZJezuzIzntZombiedYet Tue 19-Mar-13 15:46:03

Well if I was pregnant by someone who told me the day before that I was the love of his life, his soulmate etc I would expect him to talk to me if I told him I was pregnant.

You do know that he is using you to protect himself from her. Of course he could (and should) talk to her hmm.

I hat to be down on you, because I'm sure you are very upset, but really this isn't her fault alone, it is equally your husband's and it doesn't sound as though he is taking any responsibility at all - or that you are expecting him to.

So sorry sad

Why do they have to say such cruel things about their wives? Unless you were an abusive heartless bitch who had treated him like dirt for years, why would he say that? Answer? Because he wanted to please her and show her she meant more to him than she did. And because he wanted to convince himself you deserved the cheating.

Whether you can forgive or forget is up to you but I'd struggle with such a massive betrayal.

So sorry x

Sorry to be harsh but OW doesn't need OP's H around her. They both fucked up and betrayed their respective spouses. Fixing that if at all possible is no 1 priority. And she needs to fucking grow up and stop acting like a drama queen - slashing her wrists FFS!

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 15:56:34

You're none of you coming out well in this.

musicismylife Tue 19-Mar-13 15:58:18

I have just read your post. Today, will be the worst day of your life. From then you can move upwards. Sit your son and daughter down and tell them that you are struggling with the news that their father has had an affair. Do not tell them anymore for now, just leave it at that. Then ring the OW and tell her that in a couple of weeks you will meet up with her and talk to her about the (possible) pregnancy. It could be that the OW is devastated so is making this up, or it could be that she is pregnant. Next, you deal with your husband. You tell him to leave and you tell him that you need a couple of weeks to try and understand all the hurt he has put you through. You ignore the calls from the OW, her husband and your husband.

You then take time for you.

You need to cut ties for a couple of weeks to get your head straight. Otherwise, you may well be in danger of causing harm to yourself or others.

Please take this advice. You need to do this as a first step. No shouting, no swearing, no threatening, no crying to your husband.

You will feel better, that I can promise.

x

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 16:14:49

Oh Orm thank you...someone who is happy to express and back up the emotions I feel towards this OW...ridiculous behaviour. DRAMA QUEEN indeed!

Chislemum Tue 19-Mar-13 16:17:22

To the OP - please do get legal advice too. You have to think of your and your children's financial future. When all the drama has passed, then this will be the most important thing.

OW is a drama queen, definitely and a very annoying one too.

All the very best to the OP. x

Janey - he hasn't chosen you - the situation has meant that at present he has to stay with you.

Believe me - he would be with her if he could easily keep everything he has in terms of his children and his dignity.

You are swiftly losing yours.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 16:23:09

Badinage and Xales. Simply put yes this husband is despicable...that is without a doubt. But no expectation should be laid at the OP's door to have any sense of responsibility for this OW's predicament. I hope the OP has the strength to get rid of him...but as to whether she advises him to go and help out the OW...well I wouldnt blame her if she doesnt.

AgentSprout Tue 19-Mar-13 16:31:07

Janey - You are not thinking clearly. You are in shock, the rug has been pulled from under your feet. It's understandable you want to believe what he is telling you.

From what you have posted so far, it's easier for us to give opinions because we are not living it. You are. But please listen to some of the posters on here who have been through similar.

From what I have read, from your posts, are that he is only with you now is because his son has said he will disown him, you have threatened to harm yourself. He has nowhere to go at the moment. He is not 'choosing' you over her, this doesn't mean he loves you more than her.

It's more convenient for him to be with you at the moment. If he knew that your DC's would be able to forgive him eventually and that you wouldn't hurt yourself over this, could you honestly believe he would still be there with you.

You are the innocent party here, but you are suffering the most. Yes, the OW may be pregnant, she might not. But these are two adults who willingly started a sordid relationship. She seems to be paying the price, your DH doesn't. You are shielding him from this by blaming it all on the OW. I bet she's not as unstable as he's making her out to be. He is certainly letting her believe you are the unstable one though isn't he? By hiding behind you, using you as an excuse not to face up to what he has done.

You cannot keep an eye on him forever, it will drive you crazy.

When you have had time to process all this, you will come to the realisation that it is better to be with someone who truely loves and want to be with you, than someone who has been forced. Because that is whats happening here.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 16:35:25

One thing I can assure the OP is that when those two were fucking neither could give two stuffs about their respective spouses. Most OWs in my experience hold vindictive feelings towards the wife...

In my opinion it is reasonable of us to let the OP express her emotions and shock when that subsides maybe then she will be able to get rid of arse...if he chooses to 'support' this OW then good fuckin' luck to them. I am championing the OP's recovery and happy future ..

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 16:36:12

"Janey - he hasn't chosen you - the situation has meant that at present he has to stay with you."

confused

He could leave very easily if he wanted to.

Sounds to me like he is choosing the life he had with the OP.

And that he has no interest in having a new baby to look after.

Well anyway, forgetting about OW and her dramas for now, think about you and your children. You think you want H, need H, but you don't really. Life is possible without a man, especially a cheating lying bastard like that. I'd find it almost impossible to forgive being bad-mouthed by my H - such a complete betrayal.

dH had an affair - dday was last June. Nothing like as bad as this but even so 9 months later, after he has done all the hard work, been to MC, changed his behaviour, gone totally NC, been 100% transparent to me, I am STILL not totally sure I want to stay with him. That is what infidelty does - blows things sky-high and when the pieces come back down to earth they might not be the way you want them to be.

good luck x

BTW I know you aren't supposed to hate OW but I admit I struggled with it at the time - have reached comfortable indifference now but it took time. So I don't blame you for that.

ZolaBuddleia Tue 19-Mar-13 16:38:46

OP, can you not see that your DH is hiding behind you? He was coasting along, having a marvellous time, feeling flattered and having sex, then when the shit hits the fan, rather than manning up and coming clean he whips up all this drama, saying he hates her etc, knowing that you will prevent him from having contact therefore he's off the hook in terms of what happens next.

The OW is absolutely right, what he has done, and the way he has spoken about and to both of you, is despicable. Surely you can't have any respect for him? And if there's no respect, how can you be together?

You've raised two children to adulthood, you write clearly and intelligently. There are things you can do, this is your opportunity to be more than a doormat for your shit of a husband.

Sorry, meant to add that your panic and need to have him back will fade. It will get easier.

MrMeaner Tue 19-Mar-13 16:43:44

Janey
I'm a man, and I normally avoid these threads as I feel there can sometimes be a tendency to be too black and white and jump to conclusions.
In this case though it's easy to understand what is happening from a man's perspective and I hope it becomes clear to you one day:

- he never really loved her. He said all the things he needed to to shag her.
- he never really had any intention of leaving you. Why would he leave a comfortable home where all is looked after and he doesn't have to worry about anything? Plus, he can get all the sex he needs with a younger, more attractive (sorry), exciting person. (Apologies, I know that's not necessarily true, but that is how he would have felt)

So - if you don't want him to leave, he probably won't, and you can pretend everything is OK again.

But....
- someone who can be so utterly dismissive of his wife to someone else can never ever be trusted again. If he'd had any small remaining feelings for you, he would have at least answered less directly than he did when she asked about you. Instead he talked about you like you were worthless and below contempt.
- someone who immediately just tells someone to get an abortion to extricate himself from a situation is lacking in all human decency. Regardless of what her final decision may have been, this would have been a child, and a relation of your children. If they ever find that out, they may despise him for ever.
- he is following your orders to make life easy for him, not because he is particularly remorseful. Has he offered to go to counselling? Has he offered to leave until you make your mind up?

I know you would like to go back to normal, and maybe you can. But just be aware that your normal is not based on what you thought it was, but instead a weak, spineless twat who just wants dinner on the table.

As I said - I normally believe there are many extenuating circumstances when people have affairs so tend to avoid commenting here, but his behaviour since and during is enough to convince me that in all areas he is a complete wanker. You (and anyone else) deserves much much much better than this...

Good luck

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 16:46:32

Great post, MrMeaner.

PeppermintPasty Tue 19-Mar-13 16:48:53

I don't think he's chosen the op either. He's been found out and has slunk back from whence he came, because he can. And probably because if he didn't the ow's dh would lamp him.

In all seriousness, yes he could leave, but I daresay the little diddums himself is a bit shocked at what has happened and has retreated to lick his wounds. He may leave in the future, but in the here and now I wonder what he would do if janey actually kicked him out.

ZolaBuddleia Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:59

Bravo MrMeaner, nice to have a chap's thoughts.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 16:53:36

He's not choosing janey, he's choosing the status quo.

My guess is that he wants to keep his marriage and replace the (current, doubt she's the first) girlfriend in time.

NinaNannar Tue 19-Mar-13 16:54:31

Do we know the baby is his?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 19-Mar-13 16:54:47

I think MrMeaner makes some really good points.

OP, you're still projecting all your hatred towards the OW. Your H is equally responsible for this mess!!! He's got away with it scott free, because you are letting him.

I don't expect you to have sympathy for the OW's situation but she she's going through a despicable time, your H has just swanned back home where you're still waiting for him and doesn't have to take responsibly for anything. Once he's bored of you not letting him do anything he'll go again. I don't think he chose you at all.

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 17:09:59

I suppose what I'm struggling with is that they were away together on the Monday and Tuesday. Still declaring their love for each other in extremely emotional ways. By the Wednesday evening when we'd seen them and all had been revealed and we were in our way home and i was having panic attacks and being sick, he said he didn't love her anymore and to never contact him again.

Her DH found out about them about 6 weeks ago. She told him she'd finish it. Apparently he was sat in the car in our street one morning about to tell me but she stopped him after he phoned to tell her where he was and she said she would give my DH up but not to do that to my children. But she lied and her DH realised it was still going on and just snapped and ended up doing it.

My DH sent her DH a message saying he was sorry but he'd just fell in love with her and couldn't help it.

He sent OW a text the morning after I'd found out saying that I was threatening to kick him out - which I had - but he had nowhere to go and to just give him time to persuade me to let him stay and I was watching him like a hawk and not to contact him for a while. He genuinely does have nowhere to go. No real friends etc. all our money is tied up in the house. Our children's home.

Deep down he isn't happy and he loves her. I've got to live with that. I'm gathering strength.

Thank you all again.

MaryZeZJezuzIzntZombiedYet Tue 19-Mar-13 17:11:52

He is pathetic.

I am sorry. Your children are adults. And your dh will have to find a new home for himself.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 17:13:10

Janey....hugs lovely.

NinaNannar Tue 19-Mar-13 17:13:38

do we know the baby is his?

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:13:55

< applause for MrMeaner >

You should comment more on here, MrM. I find your posts to be fair and considered.

Chubfuddler Tue 19-Mar-13 17:14:32

Your children aren't children. They're adults. He's just biding his time.

Kick him out.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 17:15:52

He really doesn't love her.

If he loved her he would not be refusing to talk to her just so you wouldn't kick him out.

He wouldn't be demanding she had an abortion.

He knows that if she has the abortion on Thursday there's no way back to her.

She's disposable.

The reality is worse than what you want to imagine.

Oh Janey, how awful. He has to go.

You're 'watching him like a hawk' - fuck him. He is so in love with himself he'll say anything to anyone.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 17:18:36

I think the OP is gathering strength ...as she says ...once the shock, the vomitting and panic attacks subside (I lost 2 stone in 3 weeks) I have faith that the OP will be getting rid....

ZolaBuddleia Tue 19-Mar-13 17:19:02

"He sent OW a text the morning after I'd found out saying that I was threatening to kick him out - which I had - but he had nowhere to go and to just give him time to persuade me to let him stay and I was watching him like a hawk and not to contact him for a while."

This is the bit that proves he's only out for himself.

Keep gathering strength Janey!

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:19:16

Trying to pin this despicable man's thoughts down is like trying to nail jelly to a wall.

It doesn't matter. It makes no difference. He has changed his mind to suit the level of disclosure that has occurred, like I change my knickers in a week.

He will change it again. Then again. You will never be sure of him again, Janey. This is what you are left with.

"I think the OP is gathering strength ...as she says ...once the shock, the vomitting and panic attacks subside (I lost 2 stone in 3 weeks) I have faith that the OP will be getting rid.... "

Exactly.

OP's H loves one person. Himself. The rest of you are collateral damage. Twat!

Orchidlady Tue 19-Mar-13 17:22:19

This is one of the most horrible posts I have read here. My god what self entitled cock this man is. I am so sorry you are going through this janey I am sure soon the anger will take over and give you the strength kick his sorry pathetic ass out.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:23:36

ike, I think you are right

Figgygal Tue 19-Mar-13 17:27:19

He doesnt love her but more importantly he doesn't love you either.....op cheats like him are not worth keeping!!

Get strong to fact your marriage to this idiot is over I feel for u and ur children!!

NinaNannar Tue 19-Mar-13 17:31:00

I'm still marvelling what you do if you have no job and can't drive.

The blokes an arse. Bin him and start the rest of your life smile

pleasestoptalking Tue 19-Mar-13 17:31:38

I'm really sorry you are in this horrible and devastating situation.

I don't know how yo

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:33:29

Nina , OP has raised her children and worked at PT jobs. Not sure what you "marvelling" at.

sarahjaye Tue 19-Mar-13 17:33:30

If he could afford to run a mistress, he can afford a flat share. Shame he's owned up to fraudulently swindling his employers out of hotel expenses, they might have agreed to foot the bill for a few nights. I do feel for you Op, a friend of mine is going through a remarkably similar experience and having much the same reaction and feelings as you.
Be strong, be brave...

pleasestoptalking Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:20

sorry!

I don't know how you feel or what I would do in a similar situation. I would hope that I would be able to scrape together the dignity I had left and ask this man to leave.

Think about what message you are sending your children about what is acceptable in a relationship and what they should be prepared to put up with. What advice would you give your daughter in this situation?

You can ask this man to leave. You can live a happy life without him. This could be the making of you. Having him in your life is not making you a happy woman with a good sense of self worth.

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 17:38:56

Janey.
Your children are adults. They will cope.
It's time you looked after yourself.
Not driving is not the end of the world.
And jobs can be found.
You have friends.
You still have the respect and love of your children.
You will get through this and come out of the other side stronger and happier than you could ever imagine.
My sil has just moved in with her lovely bf after 6 years of utter heartbreak and depression following her marriage break up.. Her dh did the same thing after only a year of marriage. With a friend if hers. She tried everything to keep him, even changed jobs but it was all for nothing.
Til the OW dumped him of course.
Then he loved her again.
Funny that.
Please please believe that you can be happy again without this poor excuse for a human being in your life.
You can.

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 17:40:03

Nina.
Op has been raising kids and doing p/t work.
What's so strange about that!?

Owllady Tue 19-Mar-13 17:41:38

god this is awful sad I hope you are okay x

you can bet your life this is not the first time though, it's just the first time he has been caught.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 19-Mar-13 17:42:23

<< bangs head >>

No one is saying that OP should have any sense of responsibility for this OW's predicament.

What we are trying to say is that OP's H need to feel the consequences and not be shielded from facing up to his responsibilities. OP needs to get angry with him.

Op really needs to put herself first and get real life support.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:46:19

Frustrating, ain't it, MAHC smile

I think we all want the best for OP, though.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 17:47:46

MadAboutHotChoc good post, I was just about to post something similar.

The OP does not owe the OW anything, of course she doesnt, but her H does, and he is the one that should be facing up to it and doing something about it.

I promise you OP, if you do the right thing now (i.e. encourage him to face up to his responsibilities) you will feel better about yourself in the long term.

Dont see it as you 'helping the OW' see it as you helping YOURSELF.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:51:23

HTBH, I totally agree and have been saying the same thing over and over

Everything OP does now should be for herself

And, IMO, that means making sure she is beyond reproach when she looks back at these awful few weeks with the benefit of hindsight

The only people who should have regrets here are the cheating fuckers. Bringing yourself down to their level will not help you, nor soothe your peace of mind.

Peace of mind is priceless IMO.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 17:56:07

"I promise you OP, if you do the right thing now (i.e. encourage him to face up to his responsibilities) you will feel better about yourself in the long term."

I strongly disagree that acting like this twat's Mammy and telling him how to deal with his horrible girlfriend's unwanted pregnancy is "the right thing".

The nasty end of their sordid dalliance should not trouble janey one iota.

Only the deeply vain, married to their own conception of themselves as "a good person", would bother with that.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 17:59:55

And janey is beyond reproach.

This evil was done to her.

Nobody gets to demand a certain reaction while she is in shock at having her life torn apart by a pair of selfish cunts.

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 18:02:26

This child (if its exists and the og goes ahead) will be the ops children's sibling. They may want a relationship with it in the future.
Like it or not.
He has already shat all over her kids.
Does that make it ok for him to do it to someone else's?
No.
Is it really ok to wish this on an innocent child?
Ffs.
Op...AF speaks sense.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 18:04:58

AThingInYourLife

The OP has banned her H from contacting OW I wasnt suggesting that she become his Mummy, only to back off and [allow and encourage] him to contact her

And this is not just about the OW and the H, its about an unborn child who had no say in any of this either

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:09:48

There is no "kid".

There might be a bunch of non-sentient cells that are currently being used in the most cynical fashion by the woman who houses them.

If and when there is an actual child to worry about is time enough to get concerned about siblings and relationships.

At the moment that is just sentimental nonsense.

Same as all the crap about how he needs to go with her to an abortion.

BettySuarez Tue 19-Mar-13 18:12:30

Janey, you are gathering strength. I know you are smile

Keep posting, keep talking.

Channel your anger towards your DH because that is where it should be directed. You are not responsible for him, his feelings, his decisions anymore.

In time you will find the strength to rebuild your life and we will be right here behind you x

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:12:45

Unless the OP has her husband at gunpoint, her ban is meaningless.

And "encouraging" her husband to talk to his ex mistress about the pregnancy he wants her to terminate is acting like his Mammy.

"its about an unborn child who had no say in any of this either"

Oh, a pro-lifer. Yeah, we're never going to agree.

ladyjadie Tue 19-Mar-13 18:15:45

I am so sorry angry sad [non-existent puke emoticon]

This hits me to the bone sad

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 18:17:50

Her DH said she doesn't want my DH to go with her. She apparently said she just wants an hour of his time on their own for 'closure' and to get some answers from him. She's said if she can't move on then none of us can. Why should I bow to her 'needs'?

noddyholder Tue 19-Mar-13 18:19:01

She is pregnant he owes her an hour no matter what you think.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:19:15

Dont bother banging your head Mad that would be ridiculous! And I have clearly stated that I can see how the Op's actions are shielding her husband. However...I very much disagree with some of the suggestions that the OP should in someway feel bad about her reaction to stop her husband from running to the OW's side to talk about stuff. This is a woman clearly in shock and dealing with vomitting her guts out and panic attacks. FFS!!!Even thinking about the OW would be enough to make her feel ill.

She sounds awful janey, but so does your husband. He brought this calamity onto you.
You really need to get him out.

sassy34264 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:19:48

For the first time ever AF i totally disagree with you.

I don't think that i would have any compassion for a woman that knowingly fucked my husband. It's her own making. I certainly wouldn't give a shite about being the bigger person, keeping my dignity, being beyond reproach, when the world as i know it, had just been ripped out from under me.

I agree with athing

Only the deeply vain, married to their own conception of themselves as "a good person", would bother with that.

this totally agree

You have to have a massive level of detachment to be thinking in those terms imho.

On the other hand i wouldn't cling on to him either. If i had read in black and white that he had no where to go and would sort it out, he would be doubly out the door.

As cognito says, your self esteem would have to be on the bones of it's arse to put up with that.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 18:21:08

Im not a pro-lifer, far from it, im pro-choice.

This man obviously doesnt give one jot about either his W or the OW, but the OP does not have to stand back and allow that to happen (or indeed encourage him to abandon her)

And I dont think anyone has said that the H should go with her to the abortion, only to acknowledge the OW

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:21:16

Give her fucking break!

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 18:22:55

I am not a pro lifer.
I am pro not being a twat-er.
You shouldn't bow to her needs op.
You shouldn't bow to anyone's needs anymore.
You cannot stop your dh seeing her. You must know that.
You also cannot stop him going with her for the termination.
Things you can change: your behaviour and how you react to this god awful mess.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:23:07

"She's said if she can't move on then none of us can."

hmm

Silly bitch.

She could fuck off with her "closure" as far as I was concerned.

ZolaBuddleia Tue 19-Mar-13 18:23:26

Holy fuck, the self-indulgence of this pair!

It's going round in circles. OP, you and the OW's DH are being dragged backwards and forwards in all this. Distance yourself from what either of them want, they created this mess, you need to think of yourself.

I dont think you are actually refusing to bow to her needs. You are just clinging to your husband and trying to protect him from an uncomfortable hour.

I dont think there is a chance in hell that the ow will want your husband, not even if he was on special discount or came with diamonds and peals or even a palace. She just wants to talk to him and quite possibly rant and scream at him (like YOU should also do) for being a complete and utter despicable turd.

He needs to hear it. And if you cant bring yourself to tell him what a shit he is, then let her do it.

You are deluded if you think that this woman will want your husband, after discovering what type of man he is.

Let him go - the guy who didn't miss you even a tiny bit - that'll teach the fucker. Really. Look what he, not her, HE, has done to you.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:26:46

Sassy I totally get where you are coming from...really! I consider myself a really f great person and would absolutely have forgiven myself some irrational thougths and actions under the terrrible strain the OP is in...

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 18:26:57

Well having an affair is the ultimate in self indulgement and self delusion, surely?
I feel for the ows dh too.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:27:15

"You cannot stop your dh seeing her. You must know that."

Of course she can't stop him.

If he wanted to see her, he would.

Making sure that happens is not the OP's responsibility.

And people who are pro-choice don't describe embryos as "unborn children".

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:29:54

"You are deluded if you think that this woman will want your husband, after discovering what type of man he is."

Not necessarily.

The OW bought into this shitbag's obvious lies.

She might well still be hoping they can have their happy ever after.

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 18:30:49

I worry that the op is venting her -totally understandable rage and pain - onto the ow and not her dh.
2 to tango and that.
And the other posters are right...the ow does not want your h.
He has shown his true colours.
The rose tinted specs are well and truly off.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 18:34:43

Ive had a termination myself so I could hardly be called a pro-lifer.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:35:30

Oh the rage will kick in soon Bad...and I suspect it will have Tsunami proportions...that's when arse will bopefully be out on his arse!

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:36:42

She'll transfer her rage where it belongs in good time.

It's much easier and quicker to hate a stranger who has done you great harm than it is to accept that your partner of two decades is a worthless shit who treated you with no respect.

Demanding that she feel anger with him now, now, now is unfair and unrealistic.

And expecting her to feel anything but fury with the woman whose only contribution to her life has been utter devastation is deeply unfair.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 18:39:04

Plenty of pro-lifers have had terminations. They are called hypocrites.

But if you really are pro-life, maybe you want to rethink giving advice to a devastated woman that she needs to consider the feelings of a (possibly soon to be aborted) embryo.

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 18:43:10

Ok I just tested it out. I said he could see her or talk to her on the phone on his own. He's refused. Wants nothing to do with her.

So even being the bigger person hasn't tested him.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:45:03

Absolutely Thing ...what happens is that your brain just cannot seem to compute everything that is happening and your feelings towards the philandering partner are still stuck in the before crisis mode...but they do catch up..eventually.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:46:08

Well you have done what is required Janey well done! Now concentrate on you.

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 18:57:09

Well done Janey.
Now.
Concentrate on you.

sulkygirl Tue 19-Mar-13 19:04:41

Janey I have been in your situation. The years and years together. The OW abortion. The OW misscarriage. Reading the ludicrous lies he told her about me.
People like your husband and mine smile, nod and say exactly what you want to hear but it's all for their benefit. They don't love anyone. They use people.
He's not the person you thought he was, please seek legal advice and get rid. He's not worth spitting on.

Midwife99 Tue 19-Mar-13 19:23:50

Why do you want him?!!!!!

Chislemum Tue 19-Mar-13 19:27:21

please seek legal advice - please, do something constructive for your own future

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 19:32:29

It takes a while for all this stuff to perolate though...I remember going to the solicitors on autopiolot ..not because I wanted to but because I was told I should go and somehow I knew it was the right thing to do to preserve my future.

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 19-Mar-13 19:39:06

I think it's pretty cowardly of your DH to not meet or talk to OW for a final time.

If I were you, I would encourage it. If you're scared it might make him leave you for her, then at least you will know.

I feel so sorry for you. I also feel so sorry for the OW. What a wretched situation.

All I know for sure is that you can't make your DH do want you want him to do long term and you can't police him. Let him face her and see the consequences from there.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 19:43:59

"Why do you want him?!!!!!"

She just found out about all of this.

She's been loving this man for approximately half her life.

She's probably still be bargaining to stay with him if she'd just found out he was a murderer.

It will take a while for her to really believe the new facts.

Don't be so hard on her.

Figgygal Tue 19-Mar-13 19:50:48

Sorry I don't think your husband not talking to her is a good thing or good sign he's made a baby with her ffs he should face up to it!! Now all that'll happen is he now won't have to face up to all the shit he's told her

Janeysbroken Tue 19-Mar-13 19:59:40

For years I've been saying to our son I bet your dad's having an affair. Because he works away a lot. Now I've been proven right.

After Thursday there's no need for DH to think about her again.

I think my posts are going round in circles now. Need to take a break.

Chubfuddler Tue 19-Mar-13 20:07:54

Really? Um, is that really an appropriate thing to have said to a teenager, do you think?

I think you need a break from your DH being in your face with his dramas. Time for him to check into that travel lodge I reckon.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 20:09:25

Ok Janey ..you take care now..come back when you are ready.

Thank goodness you have the patience and insight to explain the emotional processes of someone recovering from shock and devestation AThing.

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 19-Mar-13 20:10:34

If she is really having an abortion on Thursday, what are you going to do on that day? Watch him all day to make sure he doesn't contact her?

You need to let him go. If he wants to come to you, he will (if you still want him). If he doesn't, there is no way you can make him.

Let him go.

PoppyField Tue 19-Mar-13 20:26:53

Hi Janey - what an awful thing to go through, but you will come out the other side.

I'm with Chub - he HAS got somewhere to go - the nearest Travelodge!

It's really, really time for him to check in there.

Go on, you know you can do it. Kick. Him. Out.

All the best of luck.

MaryZeZJezuzIzntZombiedYet Tue 19-Mar-13 20:28:50

"I said he could see her or talk to her on the phone on his own. He's refused. Wants nothing to do with her.

So even being the bigger person hasn't tested him."

That was a good test. He is even more of a twat than I already thought.

He is scared to face up to what he has done. He is hiding behind you - don't for one minute think he is not seeing her out of loyalty to you. He is avoiding her to avoid a nasty scene, because he is a pathetic coward.

I do hope you realise this sooner rather than later.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 20:29:12

The Travelodge will be there for when the time comes I m sure

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 20:30:52

I think everyone's posts are going round in circles, tbh

I don't think any respondent here deserves their attempts to help OP to be picked up quite so outspokenly, by anyone

OP hasn't done it, so respondents shouldn't either

Good luck, OP x

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 19-Mar-13 20:35:51

(AF - I agree)

Good luck from me too x

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 20:45:15

As long as everyone sees themselves as being part of that rule AF (headbangers et al included) that would be a fair point.

ike1 Tue 19-Mar-13 20:47:09

Hopefully the OP is now going away to have a bit of a think,take time to take stock...maybe consider the travelodge option and eat something...

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 20:48:04

I hope that too, ike

MandyH62 Tue 19-Mar-13 21:02:40

omg, i'm 2 weeks into something very similar, minus the pregnant ow, i felt all the same, i'm the wife that didn't understand him. It's the shock, please just think 1 day at a time, if you want to cry, shout, laugh do it, we met up sunday to "talk", but i was so angry with him, how dare he make me feel like this ?. So my love take 1 day at a time take care xx

Snuppeline Tue 19-Mar-13 21:13:36

This thread has moved so fast since last nigh and my first post to you Janey. I'm glad you've had so much support here and so many opinions. Good on you for coming here - you are very brave. A retreat may be healthy for you but do come back on here to vent and talk. In the mean time look after yourself.

YellowTulips Tue 19-Mar-13 21:30:21

Taking time out is a good idea.

We go round in circles when we have no destination, no goal, no understanding of what we really want.

So what do you want? What are your expectations after this horrible revelation?

To simply remain married at all costs? To be part of a productive and loving relationship? To work out if that can be with your husband or not? For your husband to choose you rather than you choosing your husband? To value the past over the future?

You are 48 years young, not 48 years old.

My grandmother always felt to "old" to leave a man she didn't love (he was actually a decent guy, they were just incompatible) but she told me at 80 you always feel old when life hits you hard. It's only when you are really old you realise how young you were and the opportunities you wasted.

You have the opportunity to take control here and set your life in motion for the future. In the end it's not about him or her. It's about you. What do you want from the rest of your life?

LondonNinja Tue 19-Mar-13 21:31:30

Janey, best of luck. You sound like a lovely woman. Look at how much support you've drummed up from a bunch of strangers who believe you are worth fighting for.

Take as long as you need and try to project yourself one, two, five, ten, twenty years hence. Will you have allowed life to pass you by in a haze of watchfulness and resentment?

Life is short. Be sure to think this through very carefully. Be strong.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 19-Mar-13 21:48:22

Best of luck Janey, you will come out of the other side of this :-) xx

AnnandBarryAgain Tue 19-Mar-13 21:48:55

clapping like a barking seal at Mr Meaner

ImperialBlether Tue 19-Mar-13 23:12:43

One thing the OP needs to consider is that the house will probably have to be sold given that the children are now adults. She can't just kick him out and expect to be able to stay there herself.

Having said that, OP, I think once this has sunk in, you'll realise you'll be better off emotionally in a one bedroomed flat than in a house with him. He doesn't want you and has said awful things about you whilst telling another woman he loved her. It needs to sink in and I know that will take time, but please don't make any decisions too quickly.

rootypig Wed 20-Mar-13 08:54:35

For years I've been saying to our son I bet your dad's having an affair.

That does NOT sound healthy. Children should never be privy to the machinations of their parents' relationships.

You need to leave him OP, and do something for yourself.

As for him continuing to choose not to contact her, though you have said he "can". He might be a bastard, but he's not completely stupid! He never wanted to leave you for her OP, he never did, he wanted to use you both. Her: shags and fun. You: home and children. She is no longer offering shags and fun. You are still offering home and children. He is acting entirely from his own self interest, of course, the cowardly prick.

rootypig Wed 20-Mar-13 08:56:05

and yy to legal advice, asap.

I suggest you reread your posts, imagining is your mother / sister / daughter / friend writing.

Good luck, OP. You can do this.

Chislemum Wed 20-Mar-13 10:06:41

I sound like a broken record but want to urgently reiterate that OP should seek legal advice asap. Life will go on and you will need to live somewhere and eat.

Best wishes x

"Nobody gets to demand a certain reaction while she is in shock at having her life torn apart by a pair of selfish cunts. "

This.

OP can react exactly as she wishes. Where was the concern for either spouse during the affair? Why does she have act the good guy now when he is massive pain?

Personally I would want my H to give the OW what she is demanding - for my own peace of mind. But then I'd probably not want him back. in the circs.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 13:37:43

OP, how are you feeling today ?

Janeysbroken Wed 20-Mar-13 13:55:18

Thanks for asking AF.

I went through everything DH said to OW on the messages I've seen. Beautiful, stunning, love of life, best friend, soulmate, best thing that's ever happened to him, wishes she was his wife, thinks of nothing else, best, beautiful, most extraordinary sex ever, never felt anything like it when they kiss and her lips make him believe there is a god, unique, pure, only she has seen his true self, he's found the other half of his whole, constantly missed.

Then about me: boring twat, miserable, set in my ways, no sex, boring sex, moaner, no fun, rubbish clothes, drifted together, doesn't miss me, doesn't love me like a wife, I don't like drinking/going out, never kiss, lazy fat arse, boring weekends trailing round shops.

About himself: coward, no strength to leave, can't financially support her, one if life's 'also rans', he's not happy just drifting through life, comfortable but not brave.

He says he didn't mean it/no longer feels it. I suppose that has to mean something.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 13:58:05

sad

I don't know what more to say to you, love. You are worth so much more than this x

shitmagnet Wed 20-Mar-13 13:58:51

I'm not sure whether it's better or worse that he "didn't mean it", Janeysbroken. What kind of a man is he to say such things without meaning? So sorry you are going though this :-(

ZolaBuddleia Wed 20-Mar-13 14:06:14

You poor thing, how awful to hear even one of those things said about you.

The point is though, that he did say those things, whether he says he doesn't mean it now doesn't matter.

This isn't the way it should be, of course a long term relationship can get a bit stale, but to describe you like that is unforgiveable.

He is a weasly coward who is backtracking like mad because he thinks you are going to put up with is.

Inertia Wed 20-Mar-13 14:06:24

Oh Janey, you deserve so much better than this.

This is what he is. He no longer means it because it's temporarily convenient to no longer mean it- in his head, at the moment, he doesn't mean it because that would result in him being out on his ear . And there's no cosy shagpad with OW to head off to, and she hasn't yet done what he's told her to do - so he is telling you what he thinks will keep you quiet enough to not chuck him out of his comfortable home.

ZolaBuddleia Wed 20-Mar-13 14:06:36

it

Oh janey, you wouldn't say those things about your worst enemy, would you?

And he says these things about his wife!

So he is saying he lied terribly to get (unprotected) sex.

That certainly means something, doesn't it.

Take care xx

ike1 Wed 20-Mar-13 14:13:35

Hello Janey I hopeyou have managed some food today. Whichever way you look at it, these are the words of a liar...you cannot believe anything he says from now on in and he has zero perspectve. Remember that.

SilverSnake Wed 20-Mar-13 14:23:00

You are in denial.

Noone can turn off or change their feelings over night.

"if he specks to her again I will kill myself" why do you value his life more than your own when he does not value or respect you?

You have lost yourself if you dont love yourself enough to put your life before that of a lier and audulter.

Do you want your dd to follow your example? What are you teaching them?

AnyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 14:27:22

Janey, have you been out today, or in fact at all since this utter bombshell has been dropped on you ?

I don't mean with your husband, I mean by yourself. Doing something you want to do. A coffee in a nice cafe with a book or magazine. A walk in the (bloody bracing!) fresh air to clear your head. A visit with a friend you can share your worries with.

Get on a bus and go off somewhere for a few hours by yourself. You must feel like you are suffocating.

hairclipcloe Wed 20-Mar-13 14:28:09

Janey, i am sorry.

Saying he didn't mean any of it doesn't mean anything. He has been disloyal and betrayed you in every way. in actions and words. how he has behaved to you is not a demonstration of love or respect. I don't know how you could go on to forgive this because i couldn't.

If you imagine the post you wrote today was from your daughter what would you say/think/advise?

It must be hard/impossible to think of a future without your 'H' after all these years, but you can't stay with someone you know thinks so badly/little of you. You could twist yourself in knots trying to be more exciting or whatever but the truth is that he is just a lying cheating shit. the future however scary without him, has to be better than this?

Dig deep Janey, try to start taking steps to loose this arsehole xx

ubik Wed 20-Mar-13 14:34:09

Oh sad

I'm so sorry you are reading his messages to his OW. And that you can return to them again and again. You must be reliving the hurt continually.

Anyfucker is right - why don't you go out fir a walk or company, cry, take deep breaths and try to think your way through this. Are you happy to settle for this weak and selfish man?

quietlysuggests Wed 20-Mar-13 14:51:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Mar-13 14:55:26

So sorry you are going through this OP, what a hideous shock. Truly your DH is a cowardly, weak person. That is obvious from his treatment of you and of the OW.

I think many people would struggle to have empathy for the OW but even if you don't how can his behaviour towards her make you feel anything other than further contempt towards him? She didn't do this to herself, they did it together. He makes a woman pregnant and confesses undying love at the start of the week and a couple of weeks later he is telling her to have an abortion and saying he hates her and wants nothing more to do with her.

He writes/says many unkind things about you and many lovely things about her but now he doesn't feel any of them.....more likely he is terrified by the mess he has made, has nowhere else to live and doesn't want to face the consequences so thinks he can pretend it never happened by hiding behind you. His not wanting to meet her has nothing to do with his "respecting you". It has to do with not facing up to the mess they have created and his true feelings.

Sorry, I don't mean that harshly, I feel horrible for you but he has behaved so despicably I hate to think of him not feeling the consequences of that behaviour and also hate to think that you would waste your life living with someone who has treated you with such contempt. You undoubtably deserve much better. Good luck xx

AThingInYourLife Wed 20-Mar-13 15:00:05

The things he said to her are not beautiful grin

They are tacky, pedestrian, adolescent guff.

He probably wheels out the same shite for all his mistresses.

And only a silly, vain bitch would believe that shite coming from a man they knew was married.

The only message anyone with any sense could take from those messages is that he is a dishonest, disloyal prick with a bad line in teenage angsty romantic patter.

I mean he actually did the whole "you complete me" bullshit grin

What an embarrassing tool.

quietlysuggests Wed 20-Mar-13 15:15:23

I just mean she fell for them, as I think many might. I mean, he really seduced her did he not? I usually think OW deserves a LOT of the blame, but I am not sure in this instance. He really went after her, of course she thought he was her future, and of course she is clinging to the hope that he wants to be with her but his scary wife is stopping him. I think DH has just been the worst here, it couldn't get any worse. I know its early days but this is just horrific.

Mama1980 Wed 20-Mar-13 15:25:02

Oh Janey this is truly awful behaviour, appalling, hideous.
I don't know what to say you are worth more than this so so much more.

Xales Wed 20-Mar-13 15:36:35

He meant what he said at the time as he wanted in her knickers. He wanted the excitement and thrill.

He doesn't mean it now because he wants his warm comfy bed, house, domestic wife and children.

Nothing to do with you all about him and what he wants.

quietly - she's a grown adult not a little child. It isn't a question of who is worse. They both are. And now both of them are kicking against the consequences of their behaviour.

I really hate this beleif that woman are so doe-eyed and stupid they can be coerced into doing something they don't want to do. So much for feminism eh hmm

forgetmenots Wed 20-Mar-13 15:55:42

agree with Xales 100%. What a horrible piece of work, you're better than this Janey.

Yes, ow is a grown woman of nearly 40 who has royally fucked over her own DH as well as the op. I don't think she's really interested in sisterhood.

I get that it's important that janey doesn't focus on what a bitch she is - she needs to focus on the twat of a h - but I don't get why she needs sympathy. She had plenty of choices.

ike1 Wed 20-Mar-13 15:59:19

Oh I know Orm...I totally agree with AThing about the pedestrian bullshit..and the OWs vanity sucked it up...not because she was a naive ickle girl being fed lines by a reckless charmer. It is bullshit from a man who has a black hole where a heart and soul should be. He operates from a position of pure selfishness.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Mar-13 16:02:53

exactly xales.

sassy34264 Wed 20-Mar-13 16:27:19

Some wise mner once said,

'you can't talk your way out of something you have acted yourself into'

Which is exactly what he is trying to do. sad

Hoping that you are ok, and growing stronger and angrier by the minute janey

Hugs.

AThingInYourLife Wed 20-Mar-13 16:50:04

"He really went after her, of course she thought he was her future"

grin

This is a married adult woman who knew he was similarly attached.

Just because he "went after her" doesn't mean she was in any way compelled to think he was "her future".

I mean, really.