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Very recently ex and close mutual friend 'seeing' each other

(41 Posts)
missmaryp Sun 17-Mar-13 22:25:44

I kind of expected it.

But the thing is - we split up after 4 years together, amicably, just a few weeks ago (my decision ultimately after a couple of years of him being grumpy/unaffectionate etc) and he is still living here. He is due to move out at the end of the month. In to a shared house - with her!

It's almost funny.

He's just got back from a weekend away and told me their happy news.

Am I being unreasonable by being very angry? In a day or so I'll be fine. But right now, he can't understand why I've asked him to sleep downstairs (we've just been 'existing' next to each other in our bed) and why I am so angry.

I feel like it's just SO soon. Too soon. It hurts. Just because I decided I'd had enough doesn't mean I'm not grieving for our failed relationship too.

ARGH!

orderinformation Sun 17-Mar-13 22:28:57

I would be gutted. Would feel like I had lost a partner and a friend. Poor you.

pictish Sun 17-Mar-13 22:30:28

Ouch.

He's seeing a close friend while still sleeping in the same bed as you? He's not even on the sofa?

Fucking weird if you ask me! (him not you)

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 17-Mar-13 22:30:55

Of course its normal to feel upset. Hes still sleeping in your bed ffs. Does she know this? Hope you're alright

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sun 17-Mar-13 22:31:38

I would be gutted. I am separated from my dh and living in the same house. That would kill me.

SweetSeraphim Sun 17-Mar-13 22:32:04

I agree with pictish.

Does she know that he sleeps in the same bed as you?

I'm sorry that this has happened - I'm with you, it's too soon and it's hurtful.

missmaryp Sun 17-Mar-13 22:32:58

Apparently asking him to sleep downstairs was 'unbelievable' as he's 'not infectious'

I might have then unintentionally ended the conversation shouting by calling him a fuckwit.

Alittlestranger Sun 17-Mar-13 22:33:56

Ouch, what a tit he is. I find it weird you've been trying to share a bed. It's massively stupid of him to throw some "honesty" into that explosive mix.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Mar-13 22:34:04

yanbu to feel upset

what a pair of lowlives

you are best off out of it, dude

missmaryp Sun 17-Mar-13 22:34:35

I have no idea if she knows - she hasn't yet approached me to discuss this. Why couldn't they have just done that? Waited, and talked to me. Oh well! At least it's a decisive end to this.

Alittlestranger Sun 17-Mar-13 22:34:40

x-post, seriously does he not understand why it's not appropriate to share your bed?! What a tosser.

TheChaoGoesMu Sun 17-Mar-13 22:38:32

Wow. Just. Wow. I'm not surprised you feel hurt. What a pair of inconsiderate arses.

TurnipCake Sun 17-Mar-13 22:40:21

Ooof, how insensitive. Still, rebound!

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 17-Mar-13 22:52:31

Ugh. Some friend. Poor you. Not ok. I would wonder about the overlap tbh.

And the fact that he doesn't understand why you're upset really underlines how right you were to end the relationship.

How hideous for you.

YANBU

They are.

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Mar-13 22:59:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 17-Mar-13 23:02:37

Seriously insensitive of them both.

If you had any doubts you had made the wrong decision, you now know you have without a doubt made the right choice to end your relationship.

His behaviour shows a total lack of respect for you.

missmaryp Sun 17-Mar-13 23:03:21

I have a daughter that lives with us, but he's not her dad. Fortunately. Another reason why I made the right decision - she's not fussed about him going.

I just can't understand it - he looked so upset, he feels like he's the victim here, and that he's done nothing wrong. People eh?!

tinkertitonk Sun 17-Mar-13 23:06:32

"... my decision ultimately..." In other words, you dumped him. What right do you think you now have to control his life? YABU, in spades.

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Mar-13 23:08:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmaryp Sun 17-Mar-13 23:09:09

tinker - I don't want to control his life. I just wish they'd had a bit more compassion and waited at least until he'd moved out?

Is there any reason that you can't ignore get over why he can't just get the fuck out now?

AnyFucker Sun 17-Mar-13 23:14:01

Throw hi out now, OP

One more night on the sofa

Tomorrow he goes

Any decent person would, yeah ?

AnyFucker Sun 17-Mar-13 23:14:11

*him

LittleBearPad Sun 17-Mar-13 23:17:12

Well if he's moving in with her at the end of the month he can get a wiggle on and stay with her til then. I cannot believe he thnks it's ok to tell you this and then expect to sleep next to you. Twazock

Actually, sorry but YAB a bit U. You have dumped him. You no longer want him as your partner. It's not your business who he has sex with. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see him move on quickly, but it's a little unfair for you to attack him for doing so when you dumped him.

eccentrica Mon 18-Mar-13 15:55:17

It is her business who he has sex with if he's sleeping in her bed!

It could be infectious!!

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 18-Mar-13 15:59:36

Tell him to get out

JustinBsMum Mon 18-Mar-13 16:03:25

I don't think you will lose anything by saying you'd like him out now as, 'happily' , he has a 'nice' home to go to as you feel ready to move on and it is just dragging things out as they stand. And pack his bags.

schobe Mon 18-Mar-13 16:04:52

Oh come ON, do you really buy the fact that they have 'just got together'? But he is coincidentally moving into the same house as her.

I know I'm a negative bugger but I'd be thinking (a) it was planned prior to your break-up, and/or (b) it's actually been going on for ages, potentially years.

He's just conveniently got you to do the dirty work of actually making the break, so he gets to be the injured party and presumably entirely fault-free.

Agree with TSC - turf him out sharpish.

LittleMissCupcakes Mon 18-Mar-13 16:06:05

I don't think YABU, my ex started dating before he moved out, it wasn't anyone I knew and I was hurt enough. No, I didn't want him any more, yes he's entitled to move on but at least have the decency to wait until you've moved out...

Mumsyblouse Mon 18-Mar-13 16:38:14

You dumped him because he was unaffectionate- now you know why! I would ask him to move out immediately, it's just taking the piss to have him stay.

Also, presumably you are upset and sad that this didn't work out. So, you need some privacy and time to get upset and move on. He can stay at hers.

Flisspaps Mon 18-Mar-13 16:46:00

HIBU for thinking he can come back from a jolly with his new partner and then crawl back into bed with his ex (albeit with nothing happening)

I would expect him to move out immediately. Even though you've split up, with him still around and sleeping in your bed, it won't feel real until he's actually gone - I suspect it feels very much like life post-split has sort of carried on as normal until this point.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 17:11:18

Why have you disappeared, OP ?

izzyizin Mon 18-Mar-13 17:43:26

I suggest you give your 'close mutal friend' a call to congratulate her on acquiring such a prize twat.

I would envisage the conversation going along the lines of 'I'm so pleased you and shitface <his name> have got it together but here's the thing, it really doesn't seem at all right or proper that he should continue to sleep with me in my bed and I was wondering if you can accomodate him as from tonight?'' and then sit back and let him explain to her why sleeping on your sofa is not an option.

OneMoreGo Mon 18-Mar-13 17:48:01

EXACTLY what izzy said. You should so do this.

missmaryp Mon 18-Mar-13 19:59:28

Sorry - didn't disappear, have just been at work etc.

There have been lots of angry emails and texts today. One to the 'friend' who replied in a completely unapologetic 'I'm happy to talk to you about this' kind of way. I don't want to talk to her. Trouble is, we share an active and wonderful friendship group.

The ex has been saying how he'll stop the relationship because he doesn't want to hurt me etc - I've told him there's no point. There really isn't. They've done the damage to our friendships already because of the callous speed. If this was just a few months, maybe even a month, down the line - I'd understand (or at least be a lot MORE understanding) because I half expected something to happen anyway. And ultimately, I want them to be happy I suppose.

If only they hadn't gone about it quite the way they have. But hey, why should I get everything my way?

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 20:14:12

glad you are ok

izzyizin Mon 18-Mar-13 22:34:50

Trouble is, we share an active and wonderful friendship group

Much as I'm tempted to say 'not any more, you don't', it's to be hoped that your sound commonsense together with other members can work to ensure that you can both continue to derive benefit from the group.

However, if he hasn't agreed to move out tonight/tomorrow or sleep on your sofa, I am urge you to bring yourself to appraise her of this state of affairs otherwise you may find you have additional cause for regret should he be able to take further advantage of your trusting nature, as it were.

MaBumble Tue 19-Mar-13 00:13:26

this happened to me, my ex slept with 2 friends after we split up. One more of an acquaintance, but central to a new group of friends I had made just prior to the split (she felt awkward so I stopped being invited on nights out etc), the other a very close friend who chose to fall out with me on a pretext rather than just bloody tell me - so that removed that source of support I needed at a tricky time

That's what I was pissed off about. Not that they slept together, I truly didn't care, but that he was removing sources of social and emotional support I needed after becoming a single mum.

Looking back I sometimes think he did it deliberately, so that I would take him back. I was thriving without him and that would never do .... didn't work mind smile

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Tue 19-Mar-13 00:57:37

Sleeping in your bed whilst getting together with someone else

I cannot even express how bizarre and weird that is. Surely she can't know that; what a solid and romantic start to their relationship. I'd be tempted to let it slip out but that wouldn't be taking the moral highground and I've heard thats more satisfying in the long run.

Get him out now!

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