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So now ex-bf has phoned social services to voice his concerns :(

(64 Posts)
BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 20:12:34

Some of you may have seen my thread last week about my ex-bf telling DD's preschool he had reason to believe I was taking illegal substances again (after a spell at 15/16 when we were together, and a relapse a year later before I found out I was pregnant with DD). I was advised by my solicitor to stop contact (every other weekend overnight) for the time being, which led to him coming round and camping out on our doorstep refusing to move until I let him see DD- we called the police and he was arrested, cautioned and released the next morning.

He's just texted my foster mum, who I still live with, to say he's phoned social services and they're very concerned, and to tell me I should expect a visit soon.

I feel so helpless sad

NeedlesCuties Sun 17-Mar-13 20:15:30

Let SS come. Let them see you're taking good care of your DD. Will show he's shit-stirring and lying.

I havent seen your previous threads, but hoping other people come along soon.

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Mar-13 20:16:32

Let him. If you have nothing to worry about, don't worry!

Shr0edinger Sun 17-Mar-13 20:18:07

Absolutely. WELCOME ss in. It's a routine and predictable chestnut and it's a well-known one.

edam Sun 17-Mar-13 20:20:00

What a shit he is. So sorry you are going through this. Agree, welcome SS with open arms, hopefully they will swiftly realise this is malicious nonsense from your ex.

SecretNutellaFix Sun 17-Mar-13 20:22:34

There's nothing to worry about if you aren't. Explain what has happened and you believe it to be malicious.

Whocansay Sun 17-Mar-13 20:25:41

I have no experience, but am quite sure this will not be the first malicious complaint SS have received from an ex with a grudge. I can't see that you would have anything to fear by being open with them.

And don't forget to show them any log you may have about HIS behaviour.

Have you received any legal advice?

Lueji Sun 17-Mar-13 20:29:13

Not sure I'd believe him, but, if you're clean, then nothing to worry about.
SS may actually work out to protect your dc from him.

wordyBird Sun 17-Mar-13 20:37:35

He's said this to make you feel helpless and afraid.

Chances are he hasn't called them: if he has, do whatever you can to be calm and measured about it even if you don't feel that way.

Social Services are used to malicious calls by abusive/controlling exes. If these boards are anything to go by, it's almost a cliche: and I've heard it in RL too.

Hang in there and try not to worry, because they really have heard it all before.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 17-Mar-13 20:45:46

They have seen this many times, it is a common tactic. I know you are scared but remember all you have achieved and try not to be.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sun 17-Mar-13 20:47:33

As Shr0edinger said, welcome them in with open arms. You have nothing to fear.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 17-Mar-13 20:52:38

There is a situation within my ex inlaws, where the grandmother calls SS on her own daughter about the granddaughter. She has done this several times. They are duty bound to inspect. Each time that they have been out, SS have found nothing wrong.

To put it into perspective - just think about Baby P - SS were slated for not doing enough to see what was happening and to stop it, so they HAVE to investigate if told a child is at risk.

If you have nothing to hide, then there is nothing for them to find. So don't worry about it. just hide all the drugs when they come round grin

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Sun 17-Mar-13 20:53:34

I rather thought he would do this. You may get a visit and they'll see your happy well cared for daughter, they'll see that you're obviously not a drug addict and you live in a stable environment. Explain the situation with your ex but do make sure your DD isn't within hearing distance, social workers pick up on things like talking negatively about a parent in front of their DCs and they don't like it.

You're not helpless. Your ex is following a very predictable pattern and social services will have seen this time and time again. You are not a 16 year old drug abuser, you are a sensible hardworking woman who has sorted her life out and is doing the best for her daughter.

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 20:54:48

Ah OK, it's not unusual then? I had a bad experience with SS as a teenager which caused me to lose faith in them a bit- that was to do with foster placements though.

I haven't had the chance to get any advice since this latest development, no. Ex-bf's plan at the moment is to gain 50/50 custody which is absolutely out of the question as far as I'm concerned.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 20:56:48

Make sure you keep that text. If he was genuinely concerned he'd hardly notify you that SS would be on their way, so that you could clean up/hide all your non-existent drug paraphernalia, warn all your non-existent drug clients to stay away (I think he claimed you were dealing as well? Anyway, you get the picture). He would want them to catch you in the act.

I'd be tempted to call his bluff (without telling him) and contact SS yourself - actually your foster mother could do so since she is presumably still in active contact with them (assuming she's still fostering) and she is the one he notified.

Let them come; he's the one with a caution and recent history with the police.

slambang Sun 17-Mar-13 20:57:26

What do your foster carers say? Do they have concerns about you too?

SS will listen to them far more than to your ex because they see on a daily basis how well you are caring for your dd.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Sun 17-Mar-13 20:59:18

tell your foster mum to keep that text, and any further ones that he sends.

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:08:35

Sorry, haven't been completely clear- it was a private fostering arrangement, so my foster mum is someone I knew at the time who agreed to take me in IYSWIM, it wasn't an arrangement through SS and she's not a 'foster carer' so to speak. I'm now 21 so just living at hers as another resident at the address rather than as her responsibility.

We've kept all texts from him since this kicked off last week.

Tribpot- not dealing, no- ex-bf himself has done time in prison for dealing though, but over a year ago now and in all fairness up until now he's been a reformed character since then, which I'm worried is the way SS might see it sad

ihearsounds Sun 17-Mar-13 21:16:50

As long as you are not using, you have nothing to worry about. OK so, you end up in court for contact, he is still telling everyone you are using. You can easily proof your innocence and have a drug test. Because of his drug conviction, you can ask for the same in court of him. Who out of the 2 will come out a lying drug user?

Let him carry on making silly false accusations.

Did social services place you with your foster mum? If they did then they will probably be quite confident about her and listen to what she says, so it certainly isn't just him against you, you are in a strong position having her support.

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:33:40

SS didn't place me with my foster mum, no, they were going to place me with a foster family but ended up offering me a semi-independent halfway house type thing instead, for various reasons both me and my foster mum, who I was living with temporarily at the time, thought it was completely inappropriate so I ended up staying with her as a private fostering arrangement. All very complicated I know!

I've had a drug test done, the results aren't back yet but I know I'l be clean so I'm not worried, just waiting to have the proof!

She sounds supportive - at least you have her as this must be pretty horrible, even though there is nothing to his claims.

auntpetunia Sun 17-Mar-13 21:46:59

As everyone says It's nothing to worry about, allow them in, show how happy healthy and well adjusted your DD is and if you've got the drug report back all the better.

He's messing with your head, don't let him. Keep all messages from him get dds nursery to do statement confirming dd is always in, is happy and doing well, that You always pick up promptly and that they have no concern.

i was on your other thread and agreed with the others that this was going to be his next move. its a classic! and ss are used to this. they deal with this kind of situation all the time

if you have nothing to hide then you have no need to worry. your dd sounds very happy with you and well cared for and that is what ss are going to see. and you are living with another responsible adult who can back you up and support you. you are in a much better place than your ex.

dont panic and keep talking here. you'll get some fab advice and brew or wine to help you get through it and deal with it smile

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 22:18:45

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm trying to tell myself SS aren't the monsters I thought they were as an angry 16 year old with bad withdrawal symptoms!

Preschool are now under strict instructions not to let ex-bf pick DD up but I'm still worried- can enforce that as he doesn't have PR.

I'll go for the brew thanks, I don't do alcohol anymore smile

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 23:35:59

I stupidly didn't turn my phone off this evening and have just had another string of abusive texts threatening to tell SS a load of crap RE drugs, DD's wellbeing etc

Not feeling so positive now sad

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 17-Mar-13 23:41:13

Usually ss will do checks with hv before even contacting you. If the hv isn't concerned they may not even visit. Ss are well aware about bitter and manipulative exs raising 'concerns'. The hv should be able to verify you have support from foster mum, dd seen and well cared for?

I know that this is horrible for you, but every abusive text is a bit more evidence in your favour rather than his.

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 23:47:59

I need to try and lay my previous SS experience to rest I think. I keep having dreams about him somehow getting hold of her and disappearing off somewhere.He has had violent tendencies in the past, though he's never been physically violent towards me. Then again the periods in which he was agressive before now were always when we were together.

I need to pull myself together.

Good. It's more evidence. He's a nasty coward. Tell the police, your GP and SS. Get in there first.

they are evidence. its not nice that he is sending them but it is good that he is because it all goes against him. dont respond in any way.

Please bear in mind that right now he is the one committing a crime. He is harassing and slandering you and behaving like a total cock. The police have already had to come and nick him once; you are not using drugs and you are not a bad mother. In this situation, you are the innocent victim of a bullying stalker, so he is not going to win. And might easily end up back in prison.

seaofyou Mon 18-Mar-13 01:05:10

Show SS the abusive texts, they are used to this.

Morloth Mon 18-Mar-13 01:57:16

Let him dig the hole deeper and deeper. Hold on to all of those texts.

SS almist certainly see this shit all the time.

Warmly welcome them in, show them that your DD is in a great place.

Also call the police and get a 'restraining order' (not sure of the UK term).

Stay strong.

LittleEdie Mon 18-Mar-13 02:43:02

How can he not see that those texts are a giveaway, that you'll show them to SS? Is he an idiot?

Hello. So sorry, I remember reading your original posts.

On a practical note, if you haven't already, please keep a note/diary of the things that have 'kicked off' in terms of dates/times/who witnessed etc. I would also take a photo of the text messages in case something happens to your phone - ditto, save/copy/take a photos of any emails. If you can remember any specific instances where your ex acted 'badly' with DD etc then make a note of these to.

You sound very together but needless to say don't respond to texts, leave VM's etc or do anything that could be miscontrued. As you say, you have done nothing wrong and despite the odd horror/scare story I am sure that SS will have experienced this many times and if your ex has acted and is who you say he is (and have no reason to doubt you) then you should have nothing to fear.

None of this takes away from the stress and angst though so good luck my love x

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 03:09:01

I'm a bit confused. Why did your solicitor advice you to stop allowing him contact? As you say, he is a reformed character, he has not been violent towards you, and he clearly loves his daughter and wants to be very involved in her life....confused

Are you saying he has made these allegations to SS as a result of not being allowed to see her?

ddubsgirl Mon 18-Mar-13 03:21:28

Show the police the texts too!!! Even as a private foster parent she still would have to have been checked out by ss and passed checks they wouldn't have let you stay wink I know I went through the same thing at 15,let your ex keep digging shows him up at end of the day I hate ss but let them in be open & honest you have nothing to hide they will get reports from hv gp & the school DON'T panic they have to do this, how has you dd reacted to all of this? Keep talking to the school even get them of get dd some kind of counselling as it must be confusing for her I read you other thread and he was asking her all sorts of questions

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 18-Mar-13 09:07:54

If he is that concerned about your apparent drug use, and your DD's well being, why isn't he pushing for full custody instead of 50/50. He's happy for your DD to be neglected and around illegal drugs 50% of the time? hmm

Nasty texts are actually a very good thing, continue to collect them to show as evidence of his malicious intent and general instability.

The things he's accusing you of are easy to dismiss. The hair test will show you haven't taken any illegal drugs, and a quick chat to the school nursery will establish that your DD hasn't been neglected. The nursery have no concerns with her development, yes? And you don't send her to school looking dirty?

joblot Mon 18-Mar-13 12:26:58

From a ss perspective, ex partner malicious referrals are an every day occurrence. They have to be considered but many go nowhere because it's clear they are malicious. Like any profession there are good and bad sws. Hopefully you'll have a better experience this time

NicknameTaken Mon 18-Mar-13 12:35:30

Yes, I've had several malicious referrals to SS by my ex - including an allegation I pushed dd down the stairs. They'll suss him out, don't worry.

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 17:11:22

Take your phone and go to the police station.

LittleEdie Mon 18-Mar-13 17:17:35

A second vote for getting a copy of those texts just in case your phone makes you 'delete all messages' or some such, which some do regularly. Or you loose your phone or something.

grumblinalong Mon 18-Mar-13 17:32:06

As a children's services professional can I give you some practical advice. When social care do a home visit keep an open mind. Don't pretend, be yourself, answer all questions honestly and take your time. Ask what they can do to provide you with support, say you are willing to agree to contact and that you are happy that your Ex wants to maintain a relationship with DD as you know it is in her best interests to see her father.

Every question they ask you keep your DD and her needs at the centre of it. Tell them you are putting aside the past and your relationship with Ex and focussing on providing stability and safeguarding your DD is your first priority. You are willing to attend any meetings and engage in any intervention or service they think is necessary.

Children's social care are interested in one outcome and it us the same as you: keeping your DD safe, she is at the centre of their work. See them as an ally not a foe.

Smudging Mon 18-Mar-13 17:37:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BriAndLottie Mon 18-Mar-13 19:34:04

TheRealFellatio- because for various reasons given the history and his behaviour of the last couple of weeks, it was a concern that he might not bring her back, attempt not to, at least.

I'm keeping a record of everything, yes, texts included.

Smellsliketeenstrop well quite hmm I wonder if that could be his next trick though, don't want to speak too soon sad

Hair test results are clean and preschool have no concerns so all OK there.

Lueji Mon 18-Mar-13 21:43:49

Clearly he's not a "reformed" character, although he may present himself to be.

A good character would ask politely and then would actually go to court, not be nasty and make empty threats.

BriAndLottie Mon 18-Mar-13 22:07:24

It looked like he was reformed for a bit Lueji, though thinking about it now he's had a few brief 'reformed' periods over the years. I feel a bit stupid actually for trusting him.

I think he might have really phoned SS but I'm hoping it won't get as far as a home visit/check up.

My foster mum announced this evening that when he first came back into mine and DD's lives she thought he'd changed too, but in hindsight the boyfriend I had before him was such a waster anything was an improvement blush I'm pleased to say I've grown up a bit since then!

Whitewineformeplease Tue 19-Mar-13 01:21:03

Hi OP, have been lurking on your previous thread and now this one. Just wanted to say that you are fantastic, you are dealing so well with what must be such a stressful situation. I have so much admiration for you. Stay strong! thanks

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 01:29:25

Sorry it it felt a dig at you.
I meant it in reply to Fellatio.

It's easy to believe they have changed (or will).

It's good you've seen him for who he really is.
He should gain your trust, consistently, over a long time.

You'll be fine, I'm sure.

BriAndLottie Tue 19-Mar-13 19:01:48

Lueji- it's fine, I jumped on it a bit, sorry blush I end up having to defend the decisions I made as a teenager quite a lot and I can get a bit defensive unnecessarily, sorry.

ex-bf picked DD up from her dance class a couple of weeks ago, which she had this evening. When I picked her up today her teacher (she wasn't there last week, so this was the first time I'd seen her since ex-bf picked DD up) took me to one side and said ex-bf had been behaving 'strangely' when he picked DD up two weeks ago, not out-of-control drunk but not completely normally either IYSWIM, she thought it best to mention it to me. She's going to make a note of it in case it could be useful later, depending on what he does next.

I've done the same with her dance school as I have with preschool- shown proof he has no PR and said therefore no one is to pick DD up execpt myself or my foster mum (it's a small, local school and all the teachers know both of us, so should be OK).

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 19:44:55

That's good, getting those around on the case.

Most of these men are actually cowards, and it's not likely he'll actually want more than a few hours.

Try to stay calm and not let his threats affect you, because that's what he wants.

This happened to me, DS2 idiot Dad reported me to SS. I got a letter. I rang them straight away, everyone on here is right. Welcome them, show them hw you live, be proud of how you live. Show them you are a good Mum.

They will know he is being a dickhead.

Goldmandra Thu 21-Mar-13 08:34:40

You're doing really well under difficult circumstances Bri.

Definitely welcome SS into your home. They are the people who can back you up. They can tell any court that they have investigated the allegations, that you are a good mum who provides well for her child and puts her child's needs at the centre of everything. Nobody can accuse them of being biased.

Just be calm and honest if they visit.

I second the advice about being careful not to speak negatively about your ex in front of your DD. If you need to speak about him being arrested, etc, arrange for her to be out of earshot first. You can say that there are things you'd like to say but can't because your DD is present.

Just keep going as you are, keeping up the routine for your DD and getting legal advice whenever there are any developments. MN is good for common sense advice but don't rely on it. Use your solicitor.

If your user name reflects your real one(s) you should consider changing it.

TooYappy Thu 21-Mar-13 09:04:30

Hi Bri, My X did this to me his allegations were:

I am a heroin addict
My house is full of drugs and addicts
I am an alcoholic
I am dirty
DC are dirty
I drive around drunk with my DC in the car and crash
Poor dental hygiene

I missed the word allegation when the SW came to my door, I thought he wanted access so she came in and I fell into a rant about him not leaving us alone and why he couldn't have contact and we chatted for around an hour before I even realised she was out as he had made the above allegations.

She was lovely & advised me keep doing as I am and keep him away from the DC. Then as it was the week before Xmas came back with chocolate.

Tbh it was the poor dental hygiene which annoyed me the most I'm terrified of the dentist but we had been 6 weeks pre-visit for our 6 month check. Idiotic man.

I have been accused of many things in 2.5 years but offered to do DNA tests, handwriting analysis, go to Court re: DC but he never ever takes me up on anything.

Try not to worry and make a Dairy of everything, mine is an A4 folder full now, but it all build up a picture for whenever it does/if it does eventually go to Court.

Texts cannot be used as evidence as they can be altered which I find utter nonsense as most messages are sent by text hence my ex having no numbers for me anymore. I have a phone which tells a very interesting story (all him texting) which cannot be used.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:09:53

So sorry this has happened Bri, it must be very stressful for you.

Horrible as it is, the kind of behaviour he's displaying is all grist to the mill. Abusive text messages, malicious reports to to ss? Not only is he nasty, he's also thick.

You on the other hand come across a bright, thoughtful young woman and a loving mum who is doing her very best in extremely difficult circumstances.

candyandyoga Fri 05-Apr-13 07:22:39

Any news op?

candyandyoga Wed 17-Apr-13 07:23:59

It would be nice if op's bothered to update for people who have invested their time trying to help?!

MadCap Wed 17-Apr-13 07:54:52

OP doesn't owe you any explanations Candy. Stop rubbernecking on other peoples' misery. Bad form.

candyandyoga Wed 17-Apr-13 21:04:52

Not rubbernecking at all. Just want to know that she is ok!

AngelinaJoliesBeard Wed 17-Apr-13 21:41:28

There's nicer ways to ask if you are actually concerned hmm

candyandyoga Wed 01-May-13 20:27:02

Just odd that op hasn't come back!

elfycat Wed 01-May-13 20:41:45

Have you pm'd her to ask if she's OK, and let her know you are thinking of her? imo it would be OK to ask if she feels able to do a follow up comment on this thread. But that is my imo and she may not feel the need/be able to.

Lweji Wed 01-May-13 20:58:33

Lots of people don't update on threads. It's their right. smile

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