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Husband has just left. Doesn't love me any more. I am destroyed.

(253 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:16:45

He hasn't loved me for a while.
Haven't had sex for ages. He doesn't fancy me. Sees me more as a sister.

I want to curl up and die. Im just bereft. I don't know how I can carry on.

ScillyCow Sat 16-Mar-13 20:17:58

sad

Sorry to hear that, Uterus.

<<<big hug>>

Can you call anyone? Get your mum / sister / best friend over?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:18:03

I can't stop crying & being sick.

So sorry uterus. Did this cone out of the blue?

NinaHeart Sat 16-Mar-13 20:19:11

I'm so sorry to hear this UUG. No advice, just hold on in there and in time your world will right itself.
Internet weirdy hugs in the meantime.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:19:25

So very sorry - can you get someone to be with you?

This is the worst, the very worst - you will get through this

Sunnywithshowers Sat 16-Mar-13 20:20:17

I'm sorry lovely. <big hugs> thanks

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:21:02

I don't feel I can face anyone.
I'm just so so upset. Our poor kids.
What's wrong with me?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:22:35

Things have been rubbish for a while.
I had PND and was an arse to him.
I wish he'd give it time.

Oh no, how devastating.
Do you have any children? Or anyone who can come and just sit with you and make you endless cups of tea?

Very sorry, as above, this is the worst feeling ever and you are at rock bottom, therefore you can only go up and will slowly but surely start to feel better, teeny bit by teeny bit.

Get someone round to look after you. (((Hug)))

Cailinsalach Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:08

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. In time, all will be well and all manner of things will be well. Until then you have to go through shit. Be kind to yourself. Very kind. It will get better. In time.

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:11

The people who live you will want to know and support you UUG. Please call a friend for a hug thanks

Oh sorry x post.

How old are your children? Do they know yet?

PND is a bastard, I have been there and it is a grim thing to struggle through.

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:32

Nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong with you my sweetheart. It's carnage and that's all I can say because I've seen it happen first hand. It happens to people, for whatever reason, valid or not, that they make the decision to leave their dh or dw. You can sit and torture yourself with what ifs but its happened now and nothing is your fault. Dh 's feelings are not your fault.

We are all here for you and we are listening. Holding your hand and wiping your tears xxx

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:35

Love you, I mean x

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:37

We have 3 children. Only the two youngest are his, but he's been Dds daddy since she was two.

I can't believe this is happening.

I keep having panic attacks. It feels like I'm dying.

Roseflowers Sat 16-Mar-13 20:27:46

I can imagine how devastated you feel. Just been left by someone I totally adored. I just don't know what to do with myself, it feels absolutely fucking awful. We'll get through it, we have to. There's no other option. I know that this bit right now feels so awful, trust me I do, we will get throught this though I promise xx

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:29:30

He's taken the children to his mothers. I've been crying since this morning and it was beginning to scare them.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:31:37

I just want to stop crying, Rose.
I am exhausted but can't sleep.

Ok I promise you won't die. Take deep breaths and try to calm down. scotty is totally right, it isn't your fault and he has made the decision based on his feelings.
Without knowing him I can't comment on what will happen now but I do know that you can take some control back.

Where do you live? Can someone come and give you a hug? Will pm you.x

ScottyDoc Sat 16-Mar-13 20:32:55

Uterus and Rose, will you believe those of us who are telling you it will get better, that it WILL get better? I wish it was possible to fast forward all the sick shakiness and severe anxiety to a time when you realise this was the best thing that ever happened to you. Tonight will be hard and you need to let everything out and keep talking. Some days will be good, others may be harder, but I promise you that it will get easier.

WeAreSix Sat 16-Mar-13 20:35:46

I couldn't read and not reply...

Panic attacks are vile. Slow, deep breaths. Keep posting.

Hassled Sat 16-Mar-13 20:40:10

I'm so sorry.
You asked what was wrong with you - nothing. There's probably nothing you did or didn't do; please don't torture yourself with "if only I'd said/done that". People fall out of love with each other and it's painful beyond belief, but it just happens. If you can just get through this awful day, tomorrow won't seem quite as awful, and the day after will be that much more copeable with until eventually you realise you are coping.

Roseflowers Sat 16-Mar-13 20:40:22

I know sweetheart, so do I! It will stop, I promise you. I've been in this place before, I thought I was going to die because I couldn't possibly imagine living with so much pain but I did pull through before, I will again and so will yo, I promise. I know it hurts so much right now, unfortunately all you can do is survive it. In a few days things will start to get better, and the few days after that will be better than that, and the days after that...its such small steps but as awful as you feel right now, those steps will start to happen. You may feel sad and lost now but you will feel better, one little bit at a time. Just know there are loads of people here, me included, who are thinking of you right now xx

musickeepsmesane Sat 16-Mar-13 20:40:29

I'm sorry Uterus flowers. Get someone over to be with you flowers

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:46:18

I can't reply to PMs on my phone it seems, but thank you.

I don't want this. It can't be happening. Why won't he give it time?

GreenEyedGirlxxx Sat 16-Mar-13 20:46:51

Just wanted to add my support to what everyone else has said.

I have been where you are - this is horrible but this is the worst it's going to be. Whatever happens now I promise you will be ok. You will laugh, smile and feel totally happy. It doesn't feel like it now at all but hang on to that - you will get through this and whatever the outcome you will be happy.

Will add more later but have to run now but just wanted to quickly message to say you're not on your own and it's going to be ok

meemar Sat 16-Mar-13 20:48:31

The crying, being sick and panic attacks are all normal. You are in deep grief. At this moment in time you can't for a second see how it will ever be ok. But it really, really will.

Allow yourself to feel the pain. Breathe through it and cry until no more tears will come out. Then sleep.

Sending you much love, I've been there too and my life could not be more different now. You will find a strength you never knew you had xx

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 20:57:09

Thank you all. Xxx

I want to be married to my children's dad. They deserve better.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 20:59:25

I'm so so sorry your going through this hmm

Can you not just call someone so their with you? You don't have to talk to them just to have someone there?

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 20:59:28

Run a bath and have a soak I find water very soothing and calming.
You will feel better if you gain a little control and think rationally.
You are going to be fine. He's just a man not your heartbeat.
I was set on my kitchen floor feeling as you do now about ten yrs ago.
I wanted to die I couldn't carry on I felt ugly and fat and old and a letdown to my children.
A few weeks later I had started to rebuild our lives and was feeling much better.
Right now you need someone with you. Can you call someone or go somewhere.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 21:03:02

I don't think I can drive ATM. Too shaky & spaced out.

Friend has offered to come over but I don't want her to come. Im an hour from her place to mine & she has little ones.

I just want to be put to sleep.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 21:04:20

Why can't he love me?!

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 16-Mar-13 21:04:49

So sorry sad

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but it may help in a way to realise that he has probably left you because he has someone else, not because of you.

Get RL support please.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 16-Mar-13 21:05:48

He has been planning this for some time and you have just found out and it will take time for you to catch up sad

UnrequitedSkink Sat 16-Mar-13 21:10:27

Oh sweetheart. Didn't want to read and not post. Just hang on in there, it will get better. Can you watch some mindless tv or a film in bed? Anything to stop you thinking for a while and hopefully allow you to drop off. X

Looksgoodingravy Sat 16-Mar-13 21:16:47

So sorry you are going through this sad

RL support is what you need atm. Nights are always the worst time too.

I would imagine as Madabout stated, that there is more to this story.

Deep breaths. You will be running on adrenaline atm, what you are feeling now is all normal, you're in shock and have had so much to take in.

Keep posting on here tonight, there's great support in here x

Uterus, so sorry.

I've been there.

This first stage is AWFUL. I remember it well.

Get yourself to a Dr next week, they may be able to give you something in the short term to help with the shock.

Take each hour at a time. Remember to drink and please try to eat too. Thinking of you. Deep breaths. xx

I'm so sorry sad. Please let your friend comfort you. Could you cab it over to a friend's so you have some company? I hope you can sleep.

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 21:18:59

flowers

Roseflowers Sat 16-Mar-13 21:23:25

I don't think any of us can answer what you're asking sweetheart, I know how fucking painful it is when someone you love says they don't feel the same. You heart will harden to both him and this feeling, honestly. Just cry it out, right now do what you need to do to survive this. You will survive it, and you won't always feel like this

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 21:30:26

Probably not useful to think of ow etc. just take care of the here and now.
Are you running that bath? But if lavender and maybe some hot milk.
Get through the night and get up and face the day as the strong woman you know you are.
You simply will not fall apart over him and you will be strong and supportive for your children who will always love you.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 21:43:50

Im going to have to quit the job I love. There's no way I can do shift work on my own.

Thank you all for your kind words.

I want to beg him to stay. That's not like me at all. I have been floored. I'm not usually so pathetic. This has just destroyed me.

YY, take this time to work out how you are going to face tomorrow, and be the for your children, they will be worried about you.
We will all be here still.

Do what ledkr says, get in a bath, try to focus and calm down and plan your day with your children. Your DH will be expecting you to still be in bits, prove him wrong.
Sending an even bigger hug.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 21:46:11

Oh, hi ploppy.

It is me.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 21:47:17

<<limp wave & weak smile>>

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 21:48:19

Am heating milk.

Yeah, I know Uterus. I was hoping it wasn't. DH is away if you need to escape here x

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 21:54:03

I'm assuming you know each other in RL? Go there OP, go to mistress house. x

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 21:54:56

Well done. You will be ok you sound so much like I was.
I had a lovely shift job too that I thought I couldn't keep with four one only 8 months. I did though. I made the bastard carry on with the childcare.
Had a lovely life once I was over the shock.

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 21:58:00

Ooo yes go to ploppys house with your milk. Have a little sleepover.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 22:01:53

That's kind ploppy.
I'm in bed now with the dog. I'm too weak to move. Feel like I'm drunk.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 22:05:11

I don't get how he can unilaterally decide to break up our family.

How much talking did you do?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 16-Mar-13 22:41:09

Not much. We never have tome. He had decided in December he didn't love me.
On Monday he said he did and desperately wanted to make it work. That's why it's such a shock.

He dumped me via text from work. I insisted he came home. He did eventually and told me he will never be able to love me and doesn't want to make any effort. No point.

Your work might just help you out, if you explain. Maybe change your shifts? Fewer hours or something?

You know you already sound a bit stronger. How old are your children?

Tortington Sat 16-Mar-13 22:56:28

by text - how utterly shitty.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Mar-13 22:59:29

Your husband and father of your three children dumped you by text less than a week after he said he wanted to make your marriage work?

OK.

I'm so sorry sad

You don't deserve this.

goodenuffmum Sat 16-Mar-13 23:00:41

Oh UUG
Myheart goes out to you. My H did the same to me in October but didnt leave till I put him out 3 weeks ago. I walked about on autopilot for the first couple of weeks until the nausea had settled. I honestly thought my heart would explode it hurt some much.

On 1 particularily classy day I burst into tears whilst attending the emergency doctor with my ds who had an ear infection! She prescribed me an antihistamine that makes you sleepy because I wouldnt take tranquilisers.

But, I am still standing and I posted on here when I felt very panicky.

I took each day, one at a time. Sometimes a minute at a time smile please dont make any big decisions about your job yet...I panicked about childminding (he worked odd hours and we fitted our childminder round his shifts) but I got it worked out and the kids are happier with the arrangements I have now!

My family arent great support so I gathered my friends around me. And I cried. And cried some more. (Take any offers of help given. People want to help.)

But the tears are less frequent now and the pain is a dull ache. I got into counselling and I am going to AlAnon too.

It is a rollercoasters of crap feelings. When I am down and want to ring him I think about how I would feel if an ex I had fallen out of love with rang me crying and begging and that stops me.

I am clinging on to the belief that there is a great life out there for me and I just have to sort my head out first.

Hang in there. If he is going to come back you want him to see that you love him but you can survive on your own. If he doesnt come back you already will be surviving anyway

Sending hugs your way xx

McPheetStink Sat 16-Mar-13 23:03:14

Uterus, you've got my up most sympathy and support

Treading this road too at the moment, and it's shit.

Be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong. And keep talking. It is so important.

Leaving hugs and wine

badinage Sat 16-Mar-13 23:06:46

I should think you are unsighted about the build-up to this, but it is extremely unlikely to have been caused by anything you've done, or haven't done. It is far more likely that the cause of this has been hidden from you.

Something that you know nothing about changed in the past week. Your husband doesn't want to face questions about it, hence the cowardly text.

You will get through this, but the key to it is to reach out to others for support in RL and get as much information with which to make decisions in the coming weeks. The most important thing right now is to keep yourself as fit and well as possible and to be your own best friend. Try to eat and if you can't - drink often and keep yourself hydrated.

flippinada Sat 16-Mar-13 23:12:01

You poor thing. You've had a terrible shock.

Please do take up any offers of help and support, people wouldn't offer unless they meant it and you need your friends right now.

Xx

clam Sat 16-Mar-13 23:37:21

You poor poor thing. I hope you've managed to fall asleep by now and get a bit of rest.
Whilst it's good in a way that your DCs aren't witnessing your distress at the moment, they would at least give you a reason to get yourself out of bed in the morning and attempt to function. Please be kind to yourself and don't do anything silly.
You will get through this. It might not seem like it right now, but you will. Don't look ahead, deal with what it is at the moment. Eat, sleep and love your children.

sad

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 02:25:58

I managed a few hours sleep.

Awake again & my flesh is crawling.
My heart is pounding.

BookieMonster Sun 17-Mar-13 02:37:45

Do you have an OOH Gp service that could prescribe something for the shock? I have to say, it does sound like something or someone has forced his hand to go from let's try to it's over in a matter of days.

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 02:48:14

Could you have that bath now?

A couple of paracetamol might help you get back to sleep. You will cope so much better in the morning.

Onlyjoking Sun 17-Mar-13 07:31:06

UUG, I'm sorry you have all this to deal with, it must feel confusing and awful in equal measures, but, it will get better in time.
Gather your friends and family around you, they will want to help if they can.
This is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you that caused this to happen.
I don't think he is being honest with you or yourself. The truth will come out over time.
I hope to be wrong on this, but ,from everything you wrote It sounds like he checked out of your marriage some time ago.
Men ( huge generalisation ) usually only check out ,when they've checked in with someone else. Expect him to rewrite your relationship history in a negative way to everyone, in order to justify what he has done.
Can you take a bit of time off work to give you time and space?
Be kind to yourself, you've had a huge shock.

Branleuse Sun 17-Mar-13 07:36:23

oh god, poor you. I felt like this when my exh left me. Worst feeling in the world.

You will be happy again xx

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 07:40:44

In then early hours all your chemicals are dufferent so your cortisole gets very high hence feeling worse.
Today make the decision that this is not the end if the world, that you are perfectly capable of coping and that you will refuse to fall to bits.
Then look at how to do this. It's about keeping busy, keeping well even a bit if exercise will calm that anxiety.
If you act a if life us over then it will be.
You are stronger than you think.
This is not the end. It is the beginning of a different part if your life with many benefits.
If you have lived .with a man you love who for no ths has not touched you and made it clear he doesn't love you, then you sure can live without him and all the self doubt and fear of losing him.

Uterus. I was so very sorry to hear your post and wanted to respond as this was me 2.5 years ago. I had mild PND, had a couple of traumatic pregnancy losses, and was in the middle of IVF when my then DH walked out. He strung things out for a while but eventually ended the marriage via email.

At the time I was blindsided, distraught, disbelieving, hysterical, almost deranged. I simply could not believe that someone - with no warning - could 'do' this, could be allowed to destroy a family (DS was 2.5 at time). I could not believe it was possible to be in so much physical pain from an emotional hurt.

When I was there I could not have believed anyone telling me I could have got through it. I felt like I had been in a terrorist attack. My life was obliterated and I did not see it coming and then felt culpable for not making things work and for not seeing it coming.

But I survived it. Things are still tricky (I had moved overseas to DH country when pregnant and have been unable to return home due to DS/legal) but we are getting there and my son and I are a unit and we have many happy times with grand plans for a wonderful life.

BUT. I'd like to advise you on things that I wish I had done to try and help:-

1. I had never taken sleeping tablets and for some reason felt like it was 'wrong' with a small child and that I would get hooked etc - didn't until about 6 months later when I had had literally had about 2 hours sleep since it happened. GP said that it was much worse for my son if I was running on empty and had 2 months of them - obviously an individual thing but for me a life saver and had ones that still made me wake for DS etc so no problem then.

2. I pretty much stopped eating for about a year. I wasn't big before but lost over a stone and was very unhealthy. I also drank (in a functional way) way too much and started smoking again. Stupid to 'punish' myself and allow my ex H to jeopordise my health that way but I did....try try try and look after yourself even if it is asking others to bring meals/going to M&S for ready meals etc

3. If it permanent - when I was sorting out legals I was pretty much out of my mind with upset and hurt so had to sort out the rest of my life at precisely the moment I was least equipped emotionally to do so. If you do have to sort out legals, outside of solicitor, get family/friend help to oversee <I let legal error happen which am dealing with consequences of now via litigation>

4. playing over and over and over and over things I could have done differently or been differently and conversations with ex. The fact is that someone that does not give warning, chance, care to a spouse/partner and throw a hand grenade into a marriage with children has made their decision, did not talk to the person as they did not want a different resolution; there is likely not much you could have done. Peel apart anyone's relationship. Sure we could all be nicer, talk nicer, be nicer on any given day but you know what if you are married and have children unless the person is monstrous and has been talked to about changing things, there is in my opinion an expectation that they will TALK to you about it. Please don't forensically go over things. I did for 2 years. HUGE waste of time.

5. Believe in yourself. And don't let your ex take away your job (if you like it) without a fight. Don't let him make you be a snappy, depressed mother for your children (again, I was a bit shit for a while). Believe that you will be OK.

You will get through this my love. You will. I know I would not have believed it but I promise you you will. Good luck x

hi uterus. i hope you managed some more sleep.

so sorry this is happening.

please don't think 'i have to quit my job' - if you start like that you will just fall into doing everything that fits with him and lets him off the hook of being a parent.

him wanting to leave you doesn't mean he gets to just drop his commitments to his children. he should still have the kids whilst you are working if that is what he was doing before. or do you have reason to think that leaving you will also mean thinking he doesn't have to honour his side of taking care of the children?

hope you feel a bit calmer this morning x

eatmydust Sun 17-Mar-13 08:14:56

Uterus Thinking about you this morning, like a lot of others who have posted I have been in exactly the same situation - it really does get easier. The pain is so intense, just take each minute at a time.

Please keep posting and talk to us - it will help. You are in shock right now, but try to eat and stay calm for your DCs. This is not your fault - don't think that.

Concentrateonthegood Sun 17-Mar-13 08:22:09

Morning OP,

Just reading your thread this morning and wanted to add to the support. You're a mixture of emotions, shock and panic right now. What I can say is that if your marriage has not been right, you will already have been living in a kind of hell and in time, you will find that these emotions are a journey that you have to go through to reach a better place. Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Just concentrate on getting by and start to build some practical plans. Start with work. What do you do and is there any flexibility over reducing your shift patterns? You wouldn't want a relationship like like, uterus, and your husband is doing you a favour long term, even if it feels like hell right now.

uterus, didn't want to read and run. Have you had a bath yet?
Have you eaten? Try a little, even if you think you can't.
It will help, believe me brew thanks
{{bear hugs}} and massive support for you xxxx

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 08:32:36

Thank you, Dolly. & everyone.

I'm still numb. And crying.

You're right he didn't want it to work, and so never discussed things with me.
He's been off me sexually for about 2 years. That was the beginning of the end. He stopped seeing me as a lover. I repulse him.

All my partners before have been abusive & had substance abuse problems. They had to be off their heads to fuck me. He was the first.
Why am I so repulsive?

Badvoc Sun 17-Mar-13 08:42:28

You aren't!
There is nothing wrong with you.
There is something very wrong with a man who ends a relationship by text.
In cases like this, there is usually someone else involved. Sorry sad
My exbil swore to my distraught sil that there was no one else - he just didn't love her anymore.
Cue her moving heaven and earth to keep him happy...changing job etc.
Lo and behold, there was someone else. A friend of hers actually.
Before yesterday, what would you have thought of a man who did that to his family?
Keep that feeling in mind.
You will be ok.
In time.
You will be ok.
Xxxx

Uterus. You are clearly in a lot of pain and sometimes it is easier to look for 'problems' with ourselves than in other people. Not least as when we don't see the issues with other people we see it as a reflection of our own failure for not realising what people are truly like.

Number One. If what you say is correct - which I imagine isn't - then having to be drunk to have sexual relations with someone is their issue - not yours.

Number Two. If you do seem to fall into relationships with abusive people then - when the dust has settled on this relationship - perhaps you could take time to reflect on why this happens and try and identify and avoid the issues. Perhaps you may be able to take advantage of counselling to explore this (I am not in UK but was able to get 8 sessions of not free but subsidised counselling which was very much worth it).

But that is all in the future. Right now you are looking to 'blame' someone for this awful situation and you are the easiest target. Please don't make this situation worse by taking on the blame. Of course I - or others on here don't know you - but I would suspect this is far from the truth and in any relationship there is a minimum 50/50 responsibility for things that happen within it.

Uterus, I don't want to sound patronising but you sound desperately distraught. I only say this as I recognise it. I'm not judging, I have been there. Please if you can reach out to someone in RL and have them over with you and come over to be with you. This can be calming, even if it is just someone in the room to help you function or make you tea. You don't need a plan right now, you don't need to seek answers, you just need to get through it an hour at a time, and you will but please do ask your friends/family for support my love.

Huge love from the other side of the world

clam Sun 17-Mar-13 08:54:08

Did he actually say that you "repulsed" him? Because that's a pretty unpleasant thing to say and makes me wonder if there are more unpleasant traits to him. Clearly, you love him desperately, but if you feel this way despite his poor treatment of you over the years, combined with previous abusive relationships, I'm wondering if you need some help and support in raising your self-esteem.
Not today!! But in future.
Try to eat something and PLEASE call on friends and family to support you in this horrible time.

uterus, downunder is right when she says take things an hour at a time, and ask for RL support. What time are your children due home? If later, take this opportunity to have a bath, wash your hair, sprinkle a little perfume on. And eat. You'll feel so much better, I promise.
(sorry for repeating myself)brew

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 09:06:22

Clam is right. If he said that then he's a nasty piece of work.

I understand you are in a lot of pain, but do remember that people want to help - let them.

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 09:07:47

And, what everyone else has says abouthim ending the relationship by text.

The only time this is acceptable is when ending an abusive relationship. No decent person does this.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:09:27

I am having some hot sweet tea.

He has a swanky new chefs jacket that cost £100. It has his name and restaurant embroidered on it. He is going to an exciting event at the Dorchester tomorrow in it.
I am soooo tempted to discretely write the word "cunt" underneath. Subtly. In permanent marker.
I know I should remain dignified, but....

trustissues75 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:18:54

Oh hun....my FWexH dumped my by facebook...

Don't blame yourself for everything - it takes two to make a relationship work, DO NOT FORGET THAT! Every time you start thiking about everything you think you did wrong, or the list of things he gave you that you did wrong say to yourself..."I'm not perfect, I know this, but he's an adult and he has 50% responsibility." As for the repulse remark - way way way harsh and makes me wonder about the states of your relationship and how he has acted through all of this...

Sorry, I have skimmed the thread because I'm running low on time but didn't want to just read a bit and then say nothing.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:19:15

Yes you really should remain dignified........................but!!!

It would be very tempting wouldn't it.......... but really probably not worth the fall out.

I don't know about cunt but "i dumped my wife and 3 children by text" would be better! I think if you look in the dictionary that will be the definition of cunt!

You know what though - the best revenge, i heard somewhere, is a life well lived. You wont feel like it now but you will move on - and he will see you for who you are, the lovely, caring, wonderful woman that he fell in love with. Rather than the person with such low self esteem that she describes herself as repulsive - HE has made you into this person, it is NOT you. The irony being, once you have dusted yourself off, he will start to wonder..............by then, it will be too late, you will see the worm that he is and you wont want him.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

First thing tomorrow though - solicitors, make sure you secure your accounts etc, protect yourself

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:28:27

I can't afford a solicitor.
We are in debt.
He wasnt paying the bills.
I have a court summons for non payment of council tax & the electric is about to be cut off.

AThingInYourLife Sun 17-Mar-13 09:29:46

He wasn't paying the bills?!

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 09:31:41

So he's pissed off and left you to deal with the fall out?

And he's spending money on fancy stuff for himself while not paying the bills?

Morning Uterus, let me know if you need me x

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 09:42:23

Can you take the jacket back? Get the money towards the electricity bill?

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 09:42:41

Has he got anything else worth selling?

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:46:26

His work paid for the jacket. He has a newish car.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:46:28

Oh god, you are so better off without this peice of scum.

Right - debt i can help with (way too much experience sad )

Firstly - you can get a half hour consultation with a solicitor: You need to make a list of things to ask so that you get what you need answered, the lovely ladies on here will help you with that.

Court summons for council tax is quite early in the line of events - they send these out quite freely, CALL THEM, tell them that your husband has left and they will advise you on what to do.

The electricity can't be cut off if you have young children - again, talk to them, the electricity company wont tell you this but there is an organisation that can help, i can't remember who they are off the top of my head but you can basically write to them with your circumstances and they can help towards the bill. If you contact the national debt line, they will advise you about this. Volunteer (don't let them force your hand so ask before they do this) to have a key meter installed - absolutely the best thing we ever did, for the gas too. You pay a tiny amount more (this does depend on the company though) and can put your debts on the meter so it takes a little extra each week - we had to battle but we got ours down to £12 a month for a £700 bill for the gas and £5 a month for the electric. This is far better than getting huge bills.

Write to all your creditors - tell them what has happened, offer token payments - by token i mean £1 a month, this means they are much more reluctant to take any court action as the court is likely to find in your favour - i have done this, for most creditors this works, we had one set of cunts that woudlnt accept and wanted a ridiculous amoutn of money, tried to intimidate us, court found in our favour - you just have to arm yourself with your rights. Again, the national debtline can help with this, their website is fab and has template letters etc.

Make sure that any creditors for debts in your DH name know that he no longer lives there and pass on his details. If it gets to the stage where the bailifs come (sorry but this could happen if he defaults and doesn't contact creditors) YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LET THEM IN, in fact, you must not - they cannot take anything until they have made note of it, and they can't do that without entry - just tell him your DHs new address and shut the door. If they persist, call the police. Hopefully you wont have to deal with this though.

Sorry this is long and possibly not what you need just now but when you look back over this thread you might find some snippets that are useful.

Its time to get angry!!

Hi Uterus, just weighing in as another hand to hold.
It sounds like little snippets of anger are starting to creep in, don't fight them, use them to take a break from feeling bereft- and use them to make your plans. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you will find strength you'd never have dreamt you had. Thinking of you x

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 09:48:38

i'd be sorely tempted to turn up at his job and ask him for money for the bills - in front of his colleagues, tell them how the coward dumped you by text! wanker

harryhausen Sun 17-Mar-13 09:52:35

Uterus, I've no other wisdom to add than has been already been said to you.

I have however had experience of partners rejecting me sexually. I've had counselling to realise that there IS nothing wrong me (although that's hard to say) - and there's nothing wrong with you too. You just don't know it yet, but you willsmile

Massive (((hugs))). Keep talking to us xxxx

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 09:55:07

The car, is it on finance? Could it be done without? Or downgraded?

I think you are going to be better off financially on your own.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 09:57:30

I didn't think this would ever happen to me.

Why is time going so slowly?

something2say Sun 17-Mar-13 10:02:08

Have you eaten anything yet darling? X

ElectricSheep Sun 17-Mar-13 10:03:04

Right now you need to get through this morning.

What are you doing UUG? Are you up? dressed?

Go outside - go for a walk. It will make you remember there's a big wide world out there. He is not the be all and end all. Just one twat of a bloke.

CremeEggThief Sun 17-Mar-13 10:17:10

SO sorry to read your story. What sort of person dumps his wife and mother of his children by text? angry

Do whatever you have to, to get through today, in small blocks of time. Be kind to yourself and don't think too far ahead. Give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with this massive shock. Keep posting if it helps. You will get support here.

XXX

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 17-Mar-13 10:20:18

sad

This link will help you think about what you need to do to get finances sorted:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

meemar Sun 17-Mar-13 10:24:07

It's all small baby steps at the moment. Time feels like it's going so slowly because it feels purposeless. But it's not, that's just your grief.

Remember to breathe. It sounds like a silly thing to say but sometimes everything becomes so overwhelming that we forget that we are alive. Breathe deeply and remember you are still here, you still have a life and you will be a stronger person coming through this.

xx

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 10:37:41

I can't eat.
Ironic really. He thought I was too fat.

I'm dressed. I put make up on, but in the wrong order. (!)
So muddled.

meemar Sun 17-Mar-13 10:41:37

Not eating is normal - you are only a day in. It's your body's response to shock. Try to have some milky drinks to keep some nutrition in. In a few days you'll find you can pick at stuff. I lost a stone in the first month or so. Don't worry, you won't starve.

xx

comingintomyown Sun 17-Mar-13 10:44:07

I remember feeling like this too when xh said he didnt love me anymore , it was an awful time but it will get better.

Dont expect too much of yourself just get through each day for now

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 12:12:18

Uterus- you have changed slightly. Are seeing his faults and getting angry. The anger is what will pull you through eventually. Welcome it in.
He sounds like a bellend which you will see in weeks to come.
Sorry I know it's superficial but I lost two stones when he left. It really helped me through the pain as I wriggled into my size 12s.

The mn who did this to me has just been to pick up dd.
He is grey and wrinkly and lives at 43 with his gf mother and their two children. He has no money no proper job and dies nothing for his gf.
I am sat on the sofa in my nice home cuddling my lovely baby whilst dh cooks me a lovely lunch. I am very happy.
This will be you.
When are your dc coming back?

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 12:13:06

Man sorry not mums netter

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 12:48:49

You are all being so helpful.

It's really comforting to know others have been through this & survived. When I think of all the strong, confident divorcees I know, it does give me some hope.
Like, er, Princess Anne. (?)

I'm going to end up a bitter old cat lady like my mother.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 17-Mar-13 13:04:30

For Debt;

Visit all banks with your joint names and have them frozen immediately, so he cannot run up anymore debt. (personally I would withdraw every last penny form these accounts first in order to ensure I can meet daily expensive for the time being)

Open accounts under your sole name and have all direct debits leave your own bank account from now. Do this before freezing joint accounts, once joint accounts are frozen you cannot withdraw any oeny from them. Therefore ensure your pay goes into your own sole name bank account.

Apply to the CSA now (he's left you can)

Apply for single occupancy discount of council tax.

Go to CAB about managing the current back log of bills related to your home.

Take care of yourself, round up friends and family for all and every offer of help.

You will get thro it.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 17-Mar-13 13:06:58

You will not be a mad cat lady (unless you want to be), it takes time you will get thro this, and in a years time you will be looking back and wondering why you put up with him.

You will get thro this, I did, you can and you will.

Big huge hugs, and much love and kick ass vibes.

You defo won't be a mad cat lady because you have three kids and you won't have time!

When are you expecting him to come back with your DCs? Try to summon all your power and not cry when he comes. You are sounding different, more kind of in control - well done.

There is so much good advice on here about how to move forwards. Are you DCs school age? Well you have a chance to start looking into stuff tomorrow?

When I was pregnant the second time with AND having had PND with the first one, I knew I would get through it, despite feeling horrendous and like I wanted to hide and shut my brain down. I knew it was a finite amount of time and that somehow kept me going through it. Maybe thinking about your divorcee friends and looking at where they are might help in the same kind of way?

Sending you strength x

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 13:44:49

Mad cat lady?? No you will not. I sent our cat along with him then 3 yrs later bagged myself a rather lovely toy boy.
Cats indeed <shakes head>

Greatscotty Sun 17-Mar-13 15:51:30

You have had such tremendous advice and support her uterus, especially from downunderdolly and ledkr.

I just want to tell you that I've been through it too and 2 years on life is better, it really is. I could have written downunders first post myself, that's how it was. But now I am a mad cat lady who does what she likes when she likes and with whom - and I answer to NO-ONE except myself.

I still love my ex h despite everything but I no longer care what he's doing or what his life's like.

You need as much support in RL as you can get, believe me. People WANT to help but you must ask for it and accept it when it's offered. Don't let what he said to you grind you down any longer, please.

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 15:58:15

Yeah, I'm a mad cat lady. It's not so bad really...but you have to like cats grin.

"Yeah, I'm a mad cat lady. It's not so bad really...but you have to like cats. "

Me too flippin.

UUG, I hope you're feeling a little better today. I second what everyone on here has said, try to rest, take each moment at a time, make sure you keep hydrated and try to eat little amounts when you can. I remember for the first few weeks I lived off tinned peaches, ravioli and Weetabix. I was in the very early stages of pregnancy at the time, but it didn't do me any harm. And keep drinking.

I know you're at the very beginning of this awful journey, and you probably aren't even considering where you'll be in 3 months, 6 months, or even a year's time. But I would like to give you hope.

My STBXH left suddenly on 1 August last year. He took me into town after work on the pretence of going out for some food and then watching a cricket game. He pulled into the car park, then said, completely out of the blue that he 'couldn't do this anymore' (that old fucking chestnut) and asked me to get out the car. He got increasingly aggressive. I was confused and distraught. I got out the car and he drove off. My Dad came to pick me up, took me home, and we discovered he'd moved out of the house that day, whilst I'd been at work. He'd taken all of his belongings and many of 'ours'.

I am pregnant, expecting his child at the end of March. He had a mistress who was, at the time he left, 5 months pregnant. I had no idea he was having an affair. We had been trying to conceive for 3 years and were undergoing fertility treatment.

The first few weeks were awful. A maze of shock and anger and tears. At the same time of having to deal with solicitors, doctors, counsellors, work too. I am still going through it now, we're yet to get divorced, his OW doesn't know I'm pregnant, and finances are a huge issue.

BUT, I'm SO RELIEVED he's gone. The fog lifted quite soon after he'd left. I got angry. And this anger spurred me on. I asked for lots of support and people gave it in spades. I realised I was so unhappy and insecure because he'd made me that way. People ask if I'm lonely. Definitely not. It was far far lonelier being in a relationship with someone who treated me like shit. I have peace and contentment now.

Sorry for wittering, but try to hold onto this. I am thinking of you lots. thanks

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 17:14:00

Tricky what a lovely, thoughtful post.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that though. Bloody hell.

UUG hope you're feeling a little better. Small steps xx

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 18:32:44

Oh blimey Tricky!
You are one amazing lady!
What a moving story! What a cunt your ex is!

It's true I was lonely in a loveless relationship.

I've picked at some of the kids leftovers, and do feel better for it.

He has taken the boys to his mums for tge night. Dd & I are snuggled on the sofa playing silly iPhone games. She is making me laugh.

I'm so frightened of the night. I spoke to the dr who was spectacularly useless. I've upped my dose of sertraline, but it won't help me sleep.

purples Sun 17-Mar-13 19:31:26

You are in such a bad place at the moment, you sound so desperate and so bereft....

But there sounds like there is more behind his behaviour than he is letting on, I think he is keeping you in the dark so he is in control of the situation.
You have had the carpet pulled from under you, and lost what you thought you could rely on but at the same time you have to try to hold yourself together for the sake of your 3 children. He knows this and is relying on this. I think you are desperate to understand what is happening, but without all the info you are struggling in the dark against something you don't understand. He is making excuses and putting the blame on you. Anyone who puts you through this by text message, is frankly not worth it.

You need to put you and your children first. Think twice before you do something, be kind to yourself, try to get enough sleep (easier said than done when your mind is so distraught), keep eating and keep talking. Talking about feelings can help you sort out where you are, help you get by day to day, one step at a time, and eventually talking can help you understand yourself and make sense of your life.

But for now, one step at a time.

Downunderdolly and Lucyellensmum95 talks a lot of sense

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 19:38:05

You are right, purples.

He seems genuinely surprised at my distress.

flippinada Sun 17-Mar-13 19:45:15

He's dumped you by text(!!)and is "genuinely surprised" you're upset?

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 19:50:35

You are amazing uterus. Look how well you are doing.
You are going to be fine.
Right about the night thing.remember I said earlier that your cortisole levels are higher in the early hours. You cannot change this I'm afraid unless you do exercise which is unlikely.
My nights went like this.
Go to bed late as putting it off. Feel a bit shit but go off ok. Wake at 3.30 bloody fuming and planning to kill him and ow. Think of all our past and wonder if she was around then.
Make tea. Watch tv or read a book in bed.
Try to sleep again. If not get up.
This will pass in time and is worse if you don't eat.
Herbal sleeping tabs work ok.
I developed a technique where I would allow myself a little think then in my head I saw a wooden trunk and would make him and her climb into a box and shut the lid. It really works.
You have wasted too long with someone who can't give you what you need.
You will get over it quickly because there is nothing to miss.
I was far better off financially on my own and really began to enjoy my little life.
You are doing brilliantly and we are all here for you.
Well done.

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 19:52:37

Oh and there's always someone awake on here to chat to at night as I know from experience.

WhatTheWaterGaveMe Sun 17-Mar-13 20:39:50

Followed the thread and so pleased to read that you seem a bit better than last night.

Stay strong and focus on your kiddies. I agree the nights will be harder, can you drag DD into bed with you tonight? Maybe watch a film?

I hope you are ok. Sending you lots of good wishes x x x

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 20:41:05

I am putting off sleep. Watching movies with dd which has the added benefit of popcorn consumption.

You're doing so well already Uterus. Showing small signs of rallying already. It's going to be a bumpy road..but you will get to the end of it, and then the road forks and you have lots more options and the sun is at the end of a lot of them. You will have choices (even though you have three dc, you will still have endless choices and opportunities). You will meet new people, life will weft and weave it's way onwards.

You ex is a knob. He has the upper hand right now but you are your children's mother and carer. He will have a lot of loss to live with.

I too suspect or worry that he may not have given you the full truth yet. Brace yourself.

A similar thing happened to me and the shock and devastation was awful. I clearly remember the constant adrenalin rush, sleeplessness, tears, confusion and inability to function. I thought I'd never recover. But after four months I began to turn a corner. My ex husband left me in hideous debt and with a 6 month old baby..have never seen him since the day he walked down the garden path.

I sought all the friends and support I could, I relied on fantastic MNtters to see me through a whole load of crap, and I clutched onto my beautiful son and stayed strong as possible for him.

Your life is going to be soooooo much better without this husband of yours around to make you feel like a pile of horse poo.

Very proud of you. From one sister to another!!

BeforeAndAfter Sun 17-Mar-13 20:56:12

Uterus, my coping techniques for getting me through the nights was making sure that I had a pen and scrap paper by the bed (lots of scrap paper) and a therapy book (yep, I went and bought several self-help books about understanding affairs/betrayal etc as my scenario was an XH who'd had an affair) and a good bit of fiction. I found that writing all the thoughts in my head, just letting them pour out of the pen, really helped me. I would do that night after night. I wrote so fast and so furiously sometimes that it was often illegible the next day but it seemed to help me.

MY XH was incredulous at my distress when he told me about the affair. He had had to detach from our relationship to such an extent to cope with his affair and had done such a good job of convincing himself that I didn't love him, want him and was an evil woman blah blah blah that he was truly stunned to discover that I still loved him.

I suspect your H has spent a while detaching too.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 17-Mar-13 21:05:07

Yes. Very detached. He is unrecognisable as the man I married.

Amazonian, I remember your freds well. Glad you are in a better place. I was thinking about your story today actually! His was a masterclass in cuntishness, wasn't it?!

Ledkr Sun 17-Mar-13 22:08:07

Yes now you mention it about a week after I'd discovered his betrayal he rang for dine reason and I answered obviously a bit offhand.
"What's up with you?" He asked puzzled.
"Um,my husband has left me it another woman leaving me with his four kids" I spat back at him.
" god you wanna get over it now" he said.
Makes sense now the detachment.
Oh yes he also told me I should be grateful that he'd never hit me hmm

God, ledkr these arses. We don't see them coming until we have read a lot of books, studied the subject, read a lot on places like MN and forced ourselves to have more self-respect and to recognise wankdom when it comes up to us and tries to smarm.

And yes uterus, my exH took the biscuit!

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other girl. Be prepared to ride storms - emotionally and financially - but think of it as you and your three dc being in a solid little boat, bobbing about on the waves of life, unfurling the sail, sometimes tacking away from the wind and sometimes driven into it; you can find safe havens to rest and re-group when these come.

Then eventually, you hit the open ocean and you can go where ever your trusty little craft/family takes you and to hell with your knob of an H. His damn loss.

trustissues75 Sun 17-Mar-13 23:20:36

UUG - so glad yo uhave everyone on here to support you. You are going to be fine. I'm two years on almost to the day and am so thankful exFWH did what he did - dumping us and leaving us homeless, penniless and belonging-less was actually the second best thing that ever happened to me - it was the beginning of what is still a journey to recovery from abusive and destructive relationships. I've never felt stronger.

How great trust. smile

Uterus, we somehow discover our core selves I think, we who have been through this. It's how my name came about after exH had gone. I had never felt so weak, defeated and terrified. I needed to have the strengths of an Amazonian to get me and my darling son through it and I honestly didn't think I had such strengths. Hence I was a very unlikely 'Amazonian.'

But I made it and you will too.

I am loads fatter also. Hurrah!

tightfortime Mon 18-Mar-13 00:06:45

Uterus, I was shaking in anger at that excuse for a man when I read your post.

You are, in shock, terrible grief and shock but as others have said, your body is reacting physically. It's scary, but you will be ok and you are showing signs already of the fog starting to lift.

I applaud you, you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Baby steps is right, keep it practical, what needs to be done, what can wait.

Call in sick, get signed off for a while. Take whatever you need to sleep. Try and eat. Mind those kids. Get RL support but stay here too.

In time, you need to take his control over you back. Find out what really happened and why he detached so long ago. But right now, mind yourself. Breathe, walk, try to sleep. It does and will get easier and you are well rid of any man who thinks text is any way to communicate that kind of message.

The other ladies here who have been through it have so much unfortunate wisdom. Believe it, even if you don't want to. They are your guides.

Hold it together girl, we're all here. X

Hello Uterus

I hope that you are OK as you might expect to be; I have been thinking of you and I remember the god awful feeling of waking up and then feeling like I was plunging down an elevator shaft when I remembered. There will be more of this to come and it is like a game of snakes and ladders for a while - some days you feel better, some days worse, but again - that is in the future - managing the here and now is the important thing.

There is no need to have any big plans in place immediately but try and take a moment to think of the things that can't wait or will need to be done sooner rather than later. I would suggest that these are:-

1. Sleep - try and put into place anything that will help with this
2. Eat - try and eat at least just a little
3. Drink - try not to drink too much (again learning from my mistakes when I would seek salvation in a bottle of wine when DS was in bed which just made things worse with hindsight but at that point I needed to sleep and this was my way)
4. Support - you need at least a couple of people you can phone night or day (as well as on here) - good friends who will just let you talk and listen to you and be there
5. Finances - no need for big picture stuff immediately but as others have said take control of the debt situation by being proactive and register for any tax credits/single discounts on council tax etc that you may be entitled to. Ensure that ex does not have access to any joint accounts - speak to bank and explain situation if appropriate - ditto any joint credit cards etc

It helps to just take things piece meal. The bigger picture can be daunting (to be honest 2.5 years later I could still sit here and panic about pension (lack of), schools for son, not being able to be in UK to be near ageing parents etc but try and just focus on the short term and what I can do to make that as nice and secure as possible.

The detachment that you and others talk about is dreadful to experience. My ex (they must be genetically programmed somehow) did the same. A couple of weeks after he left he seemed to think that I was being 'pathetic' as I needed to get my act together. I personally found like it was being in an episode of a science fiction movie when someone you think you know and love and whom you have bet your life on is replaced by an automoton. As we were in the middle of IVF (and I thought ex was in mid life crisis as he needed to find who he was and live his passions....turned out he was finding himself under a girl from work hmm) he agreed to 'do his bit' but we would put any embryos on ice. As I was crying and bleeding afterwards he said "you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I don't feel anything for you anymore". It was like an out of body experience but I remember it often and I am now in the place where I pity him. I would hate to have so lacking a moral compass that I would be so cruel as to articulate this to someone I had married even if I felt it.

There is a quote I clung onto which has turned out to be true. It is Hemingway and it is "the world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger in the broken places". My heart was smashed but you know what. Much as I would have forgone this shitty fucking last few years and had my family intact (my ex was actually nice when married - just aftwards turned out to be a bit psycho double life and turned vile) - I think I am much more compassionate and appreciative of small kindesses and basic human decency. Without sounding up myself, until the pregnancy losses I had had a bit of a guilded life - worked hard but achieved a lot - had lovely friends - lovely ex boyfriends, great family, great job, nice 'things'. Probably didn't realise I was so lucky. Perhaps didn't realise the extent other people struggled. Well trust me I do now and having had wonderful support from friends and strangers I try and (without sounding Pollyannaish) try and pay some back. I think I am a nicer person. Albeit with more worries, wrinkles and challenges. Anyway, that all sounds a bit twee - fear not I have had many many moments of despair and exhaustion and the very true cry of its not fucking fair with a few choice f and c words banded about liberally - but everything that feels insurmountable right now will be OK.

Hang in there
Dolly x

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 04:01:30

I keep waking up having panic attacks. This is that 03:30 wake up call!
I can't believe possible my heart can beat so fast without doing any damage! It's terrifying!

Im getting angry though. I don't see why I should be the one to untangle the administrative nightmare.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 04:08:59

Thank you, dolly. You write so beautifully.

He keeps saying he feels nothing. I can't quite bring myself to write ex. sad

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 04:56:32

God I feel so sick & empty.

My body has nothing left to give.

He just doesn't love me. I thought marriage was forever.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 18-Mar-13 05:03:23

Uterus, just sympathy from over here. Just so you know there are other people awake, if you want to talk.

turnipsoup Mon 18-Mar-13 05:17:37

and some ((hugs)) from here too. I've no first hand experience, so no practical advice - but I'm here tomorrow night too if you need someone to talk to.
You are an amazingly strong person-going through a hellish time.
I haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread... have you spoken to your GP? Maybe they could prescribe something to help you sleep? Sleep deprivation magnifys the 'unreal' quality and makes everything harder (sorry I've not put that very well - or course you're going through hell, and sleep won't make it better)

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 05:23:59

My flesh is crawling. I'm in a cold sweat.

I can't believe he'd do this to us.

Our future is gone.

FrameyMcFrame Mon 18-Mar-13 05:30:03

There is a bright future ahead for you and your children, just because you can't see it yet doesn't mean it isn't there. Get through the next couple of days and it will start to emerge

turnipsoup Mon 18-Mar-13 05:33:03

He is an arse. You WILL be ok. You have got through another night, and there are some amazing stories on here of women who have come out the other side, (My DM too when my arse of a father left her) and they offer great support.

When did you last have something to eat/drink?

Oh Uterus

Of course you feel utterly dreadful. You would be inhuman if you didn't. You valued your marriage, had reason to believe it had turned the corner and had no expectation that this would happen. You will feel what you feel until each day it gradually shifts its shape and slowly slowly things begin to change.

You are probably right in that 'our future is gone' and of course you will be mourning the loss of what you had, what you thought you had and the life you had planned.

But what you can't see now - and from experience it is nigh on impossible to imagine, when people told me this I just wanted to tell them to fuck off, my life was over, I was shattered, there was no coming back from this, they had no clue what I was going through - is that whilst THAT future may well be over YOUR future is certainly not. Nor that of your DC (nor come to that their future with their Dad). It is just going to be different. And maybe fabulous. But certainly something that YOU will be able to control when you are strong enough and despite everything you sound like you are a strong Uterus.

You have also written that 'my body has nothing left to give'; listen to it then my love and try and take care of it. Eat a little, shower, get ready, rest, walk - whatever you think is best. It is SUCH early days, you are in shock and running on empty and adrenelin. Sorry to bang the drum but I hope you reach out and ask for help in RL. About week 3 in I went to a friends (who had a tiny baby and SPD) who literally took my son off me to play in garden and put me into her bed and tucked me up and said come out in two hours. It helped.

It is too early in your story for this one but I will mention it anyway. A few months in (although ex hedged his bets for a bit so a few weeks after the e-mail <possibly one up on a post-it note?> so actually a few weeks after that - my parents travelled over to where I live to look after me. On Boxing Day evening they came home (I had urged them to go out as felt bad they were on the other side of the world essentially babysitting a then 40 year old previously capable woman) when they found me distraught and broken sobbing my heart out. My mother who is very caring and lovely almost shook me and told me 'Dont' you DARE let him do this to you, don't him DARE take the wonderful Dolly that you are. Don't let him take anything else away from you. He has lost you and you are a much better than that fucking awful awful cowardly shell of a man' - nb. my mum is quite posh and never swears so this was quite 'shocking' in itself....

Don't let him take anything else from you sweetie. But like I say I live in a glass house as I spent months in pieces really...but I wish I hadn't. Because you know what I was and am worth more.

xx

turnipsoup Mon 18-Mar-13 06:55:36

dolly you are amazing, inspirational and eloquent

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 07:24:35

What was your future though uterus?? A future if feeling shit about yourself because he doesn't find you attractive or live you or. Future where your children learn that a relationship is like that?
This is all normal stuff. Sad for what might have been whilst glossing over how it actually was.
I remember watching "mist haunted" one night. They were in Blackpool.i wept and wept then eventually my friend phoned.
I told her I was so sad as we"d had a lovely holiday there" she reminded me that on that holiday I had rang her most days in tears at the way he was treating us. grin
In a few weeks you will see that more clearly.
The detachment feels like they are rubbishing your life together and trivialising things.
That's because they are.
They feel less detached when they see you re building your life and moving forward.
They feel less detached when they miss out in something with the chikdren.
They feel a lot less detached when you lose shed loads of weight get your hair done and look stunning.
They feel positively ATTACHED when you meet someone else.
It's all a game to him at the moment because he's making al the choices.
Make a few yourself and watch him squirm.
As for money your sure start centre will have a benefits advisor attached.
They know it all. I'm using one at the moment with my poorly ds she dies the forms and everything.
Don't be angry with what you have to do just be glad you can sort it so you can do what's best for you. He doesn't sound great with money.
He will shut himself a little when he sees you sorting stuff out and it will give you something do do.
The night time thing won't last long I promise.

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 07:30:16

Dolly. My friend did the same. Put me to bed with tea and too of the pops grin
She also told me off when I said I couldn't cope, telling me that I could cope as "you have arms and legs don't you" and this face confused

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 07:48:07

Thank you all.

The thought that he was right to end it is almost too much to bare.

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 07:57:55

That's a different thing though. Maybe he should have worked at it more who knows?
It took me a little while but I did eventually feel glad that he'd ended it or I think we would have just chugged along wasting our lives.
Can you ring sure start today and get an appointment with benefits advisor? It really will help to be pro active.
I went to sort mine the day after he left. I also visited the clap clinic shock I think I was slightly manic that day.
Are you working this week?

Greatscotty Mon 18-Mar-13 08:39:46

Uterus if I could I'd bring you home to my house and tuck you up in bed myself.

You are traumatised and your body is reacting as it needs to, to keep you alive, ironically.

I echo everything dolly has said and ledkr is right too. These men have to detach to avoid the guilt and shame they'd be feeling if they truly acknowledged their behaviours. Mine was no different and within days he was inundating me with emails detailing the financial settlement he had spent months working out and he accused me of being 'difficult' when I refused to agree to his proposals before seeing a sol. That WAS the man I married had I but recognised the red flags 20 years before.

I can clearly remember walking around the supermarket and experiencing the outside world as if I was looking in on something I wasn't a part of - that was my detachment from the pain.

Uterus look after yourself. Do the small things others have suggested which will put you a bit more in control of what happens next. They'll help calm the panic and and you'll begin your own journey of rediscovering who you are going to be from now on.

As for what he thinks of all that - who cares? It's all about you and your DC's now.

Have you talked to any friends yet Uterus? Sorry if I've missed that bit.
It's a new day, be kind to yourself, you'll get through this.

Greatscotty (sorry for mini-tiny hi-jack Uterus) - what IS it with these men?? I had to respond as my previous loving, attentive, 3 weeks prior arranged an amazing 40th surprise w/end, packed me off to the UK for 6 weeks so he could think about what he wanted but in the meantime wanted me to sign financial agreement that "hopefully we could rip up but was in place so it wouldn't cloud his thinking about whether or not he wanted to be married to me anymore so best to sign away and hope we would rip it up". As referenced I was out of my mind but not that away with the fairies to fall for that even in my emaciated, self-medicated, fragile state.

But back to you Uterus. I think the key here is that it is so CONFRONTING to realise that they people we loved and no doubt right now, you still love, are capable of this type of deception and cold and calculated behaviour. TBH I am still coming to terms with it. But again this is way too early to even think about my love. Just know that many many women thought, like you, that they would not make it through but they did. You will too.

Animation Mon 18-Mar-13 09:52:00

Hi Uterus - I was thinking that there's probably a lot of humiliation in the awful heartbroken feeling you're carrying - as it comes over you in waves like it does. He was quite cruel in how he let you down wasn't he. And there is no need to say I don't love you/ haven't loved you in a long while/ don't fancy you anymore. It's mean and strikes me as intentionally cruel and intended to humiliate. Humiliation is quite a deep sharp pain I think, and sometimes it can help to actually isolate what the the feeling is when trying to deal with it.

He could have spoken to you with kindness and been reasonable but he chose to be cruel, so he must have a cruel streak in him I guess. That's how he must operate. I think the danger would be to feel compelled to appease him and win him over to counteract the humiliation feeling, and that would be for the wrong reasons. Abusive people from the past can induce us to react like that - appease them to make them approve and love us.

Resist smileshamrock

raenbow Mon 18-Mar-13 13:05:30

They feel less detached when they see you re building your life and moving forward.
They feel less detached when they miss out in something with the children.
They feel a lot less detached when you lose shed loads of weight get your hair done and look stunning.
They feel positively ATTACHED when you meet someone else.
It's all a game to him at the moment because he's making all the choices.
Make a few yourself and watch him squirm.

UUG Ledkr is right; this is so true, my ex is now finding his life is not quite as green as he thought it would be and is giving ME a hard time. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it! (be the first time in 20 years he made a bed!!) The guilt will come...at some point.

You will find strength and reserves you didn't know you had.
Look after yourself, try to eat and that will help you sleep ( i found once I started eating again I didn't feel as weak and shaky, probably in part due to low blood sugar!!).
Don't let this 'man' and I use the term loosely, destroy you, I know it is hard and you will have days when you just want to hide in the wardrobe, but it DOES get easier and you will emerge a stronger better person.

Dolly mine went on a 'business trip for 8 weeks to 'find himself' too, also found his new girlfriend, she is welcome to the fickle loser. Apparently we had a 'difficult marriage' and 'been drifting apart for a long time' prior to leaving, shame he never mentioned it to anyone else.smile

meemar Mon 18-Mar-13 17:13:22

"The thought that he was right to end it is almost too much to bare."

I know exactly what you mean by this. It's the feeling that you had been wrong all along about everything you ever knew. And that if you admit that it could be a good thing that the marriage is over, then somehow he is justified in the shitty way he has treated you.

I struggled with this for a long long time. I eventually realised that it meant this:

It was "right" that the relationship ended, though you will not see this now in the midst of grief. But in the bigger picture of your whole life, it's right. He is not right for you and could never make you happy.

What he did wasn't right, and you don't need to try and believe it was. I was fed so much rubbish by my xh about how he had done nothing wrong and was "following his truth" when he cheated and left me. What your H has done was vile and cowardly and no one should ever treat another person in that way. But if you can hold on to a little bit of faith that sometimes there is a better plan out there for you in life than you can imagine, you will eventually find a part of you that thinks "yes, that actually really was for he best".

I never though I would ever believe that in the beginning. I never thought I'd ever smile again.

Yet I am happier now than I have ever been in my life.

Keep strong xx

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 17:53:18

Hello all.

Animation you are so right about the trying to win him back thing. His mother texted me as much. How if I didn't "eat everything in sight" and kept tge house tidy he MIGHT come back.

I went to the dr and sobbed at him. He was very kind. I gave some sleeping pills. When he went to take my pulse on my wrist I thought he was holding my hand so I clasped it and bawled like a baby. blush. Wazzock.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 17:55:43

You are all so wise.

Meemar, the stages you talked of in your manuscript, they wax & wane like mad, don't they. I've felt all of them many times over today. It's galvanising knowing what they are & to expect them.
Thank you xx

Dinosaurhunter Mon 18-Mar-13 18:12:11

I'm so sorry , what a awful way to treat someone but I'm more in shock at the comments from your mil ! Is that normal behaviour for her ? How dare she say that to you .

flippinada Mon 18-Mar-13 18:17:46

My guess would be that in this instance the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, dinosaur

Glad to hear you sounding a little better today UUG

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 18:30:55

Cheeky fucking mil!
Yes if course if we are a bit overweight after several pregnancies we don't deserve our husbands hmm
Please don't look at yourself and think its you.
Loads of gorgeous and thin women get dumped.
I can't believe I've even written that but it's true.
I can hear that anger brewing. Good girl.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 18:48:37

Oh she's worth a Fred by herself.

On Saturday I asked her to come over & sit with the kids as a was hysterical. I was seriously like a wild animal. I said to her "he left me with a text" and the FIRST THING she said was how it was because tge house was a mess, and I was making it worse.
He makes good money & I should make a nice home for him. (I work 13hr shifts)
He can't talk to me as I'm too intelligent. :-/

I did point out tgat her spotless house didn't stop her dh having an affair.

My h is a spoilt man baby because of her.
He wants a mother not a wife.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 19:28:29

Hi there. I have only just come across this thread and can see that you have had some fantastic advice already , <waves at Lou and everyone else>

I know exactly what you are going through and have been through it myself. Xh walked out suddenly last Feb, came back for 6 weeks, left again at Easter. I discovered he was having at the very least, an Emotional Affair with his best mates wife.

I wrote XH a wonderful letter, telling him how lovely he was and how much I loved him, because I thought he was having some sort of breakdown. He led me on for a few weeks, then wrote a nasty letter back - "the house was a disgrace" was one comment...... well he lived here too..... Ignore your MIL. I rang mine and said that I was devastated and how could he just walk out and she said "these things happen" like it was totally normal. No support for me at all. If they are not going to support you, then dont include them in this situation, other than to look after the children.

Even after getting the letter, I begged XH to come back. Threw my dignity out of the window because I loved him and wanted DD 4yo to grow up with her dad around. I have been to hell and back emotionally. Im still not out of it yet totally, but understand that is normal from what I read on here.

I lost 3 stone in as many months as I was physically unable to eat. I went onto antidepressants, rather than let me DD see me crying all the time. I couldnt stop shaking.

BUT - it is the old cliche. It really is only time that can make a difference to the way that you feel. In the meantime it is a rollercoaster of emotions that you just have to ride and deal with.

I got fantastic support on here. I went against what everybody said because I wanted to do everything I could to "save my marriage" but XH had already checked out emotionally and it was all pointless.

You do need to get legal advice, go to the council etc, rent, council tax, explain what has happened. Try and get them to help you to sort it all out and to get everything into your own name. You need to freeze all bank accounts, so that any unused overdrafts cant be spent by him. Go and see CAB for advice, see a solicitor.

If you have a Sure Start Childrens Centre near you, then approach them for help. They usually have somebody clued up on benefits and they also offer free counselling. You must have a child under 5 to be able to use their services.

I divorced my XH last year. He left in April, we could have divorced in August, but I left it til the house and everything was agreed. I divorced him because he said he no longer loved me, because he had cheated on me and because I was afraid he would get into debt. He has since amassed thousands of pounds of debt, in less than 12 months.

I don't want to upset you, but it does all shout OW, so please build yourself up, stay strong and be prepared for anything to be exposed.

flippinada Mon 18-Mar-13 19:32:52

She's leaping to his defence because deep down, underneath the bluster, she knows she's raised a spineless, inadequate, failure of a man who is useless as father and husband.

I'm being polite here.

meemar Mon 18-Mar-13 19:34:14

UUG

Your post about the doctor did make me smile. I cried everywhere; at the doctors, at the benefits office, I think I even cried at the school office when I had to tell them the boys were on free school dinners.

You are welcome for the information. I am just happy that it's helping someone already.

x

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 19:50:31

I didn't cry but was openly fuming. Said to the dr "l need a vd test he's been shagging someone" was so angry I used to ring him about three times a day to wish terrible deaths on him.
My mil took him in and immediately bought him a tv and DVD player for his room and did all his cooking and washing.
I was left struggling with four kids one only 8 months.
Ow wasn't really an ow she was 16 shock at the time I worked on child protection!
When I voiced my disgust to mil she told me that young girls look so much older theses days. WTAF?

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 19:52:08

I did cry at music group as I was the only one there without a wedding ring grin
All seems a lifetime ago now though.

UUG, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. My husband is moving out in a week, after months of threatening to, and actually moving out, then back. It is hideous and I've had since middle of January to start getting my head around it all. I have had very similar comments about the house not being tidy enough. I wonder if there is a book of excuses that these men read?

I'm often awake in the early hours too, brain starts whizzing, thoughts spiral into what did I do wrong. I'll keep an eye out for you at those times especially.

I've just started telling people in RL. Horrid, especially as we only announced that we are having a baby back in January sad BUT everyone has been supportive. Everyone.

Sending you hugs, and sad to say I understand your pain, I'm there a lot of the time too. If it wasn't for the wonderful support on MN I know I would be in a far worse place, so I hope you keep posting and get similar support.

Hi Uterus ((illegal hug))

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 18-Mar-13 20:39:36

You are all amazing, strong women, i am in awe of you all - UUG, you are doing so well - you humble me

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 21:03:05

I cried all over the doctor. I cried at preschool. I cried at toddlers every time someone said "how are you". I cried in the supermarket. I cried in front of clients.

Crying is normal and my counsellor said that its a release valve. But it's not nice when it's the only thing that you are capable of. My XH just announced one evening that he wasnt happy, didnt feel the same any more and that he didnt want to be here anymore. Just like that. Then came out with shed loads of excuses as to why he had to go.

I understand your shock and grief because that is exactly what you are going through.

Oh yeah, and my XH told his mate that if I tidied the house and kept it that way, then he might come back hmm . He didnt tell that mate that he was having obsessive contact with his wife though!

You say about bearing to admit that it might be for the best. This is something that comes out in counselling. My counsellor is showing me that me and XH were in the end very different people and that his inability to make a decision or to arrange anything, or remember anything, these things were actually slowly driving me mad! However, I loved him despite his faults.

Please look after yourself and do not let yourself be treated badly by him. Please dont take any crap from him.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 21:39:15

Thank you all.

Hi Plops.

I am feeling a bit better tonight. Have been laughing at him with a friend. He sent a text where he claimed I wasn't treating him as befits the "man of the house". He actually used that phrase. He went through the laundry basket and took out his scuddy pants so his mummy could wash them. grin

I'd probably still have him back in a heartbeat. sad

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 21:43:58

I should mention he did admit to a crush on someone at work. I did sneakily Facebook her pretending to be him saying I needed to go to the GUM clinic. I'm pretty sure it was one sided and didn't go very far.
Typically, she "listened to him". Ffs.

When was that? Recently?

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 22:07:16

He admitted on mothers day. Cried & cried and said he realised how much he loved me & wanted it to work.

A few days later he changed his mind.

The EA was December. It was one sided. She's engaged.

I just knew at the time.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 22:09:48

I have bumped the following thread so it is on page one, but here is the link too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

He is obsessed with OW and sadly that is why your marriage has ended, same as mine and same as countless others on here.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 22:15:39

Thank you sbs.

Ledkr 16?! shock

Flippingrin

UterusUterusGhali Mon 18-Mar-13 22:30:44

Sapphire omg that's EXACTLY it!
He's only 28 though.

currentlyconfuseddotcom Mon 18-Mar-13 23:00:36

UUG, I just want to give you a huge hug and I would if I could. Take care and it will get better, I promise, no matter how trite that sounds x

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 23:05:19

a local lad was recently kicked out by his wife. he was shocked, it came out of nowhere, she said that she only loved him like a brother.

two months later it emerged that she was having an affair with his friend.

My XH was 48, so perfect age for the script. I think if you ignore the age thing, it does perfectly describe the actions of a man who is having an affair.

I was so hoping that XH was having some sort of breakdown or crisis. but it wasnt to be

tightfortime Mon 18-Mar-13 23:44:45

You're doing great, well done.

Your MIL is unbelievable. What a waste of space.

Time for a new life pet x

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 00:09:19

A 28 year old saying you weren't treating him 'as befits the man of the house'? shock

How enormously depressing and shameful that two people presumably of my generation have raised a man like that.....but when you describe your MIL, it's hardly surprising.

Be certain that he's either having an affair with the woman at work, or got the taste for it and has now moved on to someone else.

One day you'll remember that text and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him or why you put up with him for so long.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 19-Mar-13 12:41:38

Teeny tiny victory I think today.

It's ds's third birthday on Thursday and "he" asked if he could stay on the sofa Wednesday so he could see him open his present.
Remembering the Mumsnet mantra that NO is a complete sentence that's exactly what I text back.
He said he wanted it to be normal for the kids. I told him we have a new normal.

He's not taking the hint and reckons he will be over for breakfast.
I'm just telling him NO.

I'm a bit worried he'll refuse to give me any money now though.

Ledkr Tue 19-Mar-13 12:55:34

Ha ha well done. Sleep on the sofa indeed!
He can take him to mc ds that is his new normal.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 19-Mar-13 13:13:07

grin

I did call him a mcdonalds dad recently & he hit the roof.

He is so in denial.

He's started the abusive texts now. It's my fault he left. hmm

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 13:19:46

Ignore them. Please don't respond. He's a bully and pompous twat who is only doing it to get attention and appease his own guilt.

Stand firm about the birthday. It's not his home any more to come and go as he pleases.

lisac99 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:28:48

If he believes he's the 'Man of the house' and you're not kow-towing to his demands, then he'll probably be very annoyed that you're not bending over backwards and crying for him to come back. The fact you're telling him something he doesn't want to hear (e.g. 'No, you're NOT doing that) won't go down well so he's probably trying to regain his 'control' of you by being abusive, so you'll crumble and feel upset.

PLEASE KEEP these texts - don't delete them... if you'll ever need them to divorce him on unreasonable behaviour, they could be evidence.

I also suggest you do not reply - this means YOU have all the power, you're the one in control as you're choosing not to reply to him. This will also annoy him, he'll be pissed off you're not doing what he wants and he'll be annoyed that his abusive texts aren't upsetting you as you're not replying to him.

It shouldn't be about game playing, it should be about you having self respect, acting like an adult and only engaging with him when your children are involved. For everything else, you're right - 'No' is a full answer and when you reply to anything he says, I suggest you keep it strictly about the kids and no matter how upset you are, never send anything abusive or rude to him - you've got the upper hand now..... keep it!

fergoose Tue 19-Mar-13 13:36:03

he can't refuse to give you money if you go via the CSA can he - anyway your children aren't pay per view are they.

Do not let him frighten you with the threat of withdrawing money. And do not reply to any texts.

NinaHeart Tue 19-Mar-13 14:21:46

When my first husband and I spilt up (he was a violent creep and I was very young and naive) my mother said to me "hearts don't break that easily".

She was right.

In time this will be the past. And rightly so.
Hope you are feeling a little stronger today.

weighingitallup Tue 19-Mar-13 15:56:07

Wow - UUG you go girl! NO is a complete sentence, do not be bullied by this fuckwit. You are amazing, your children are so lucky to have you.

Keep the texts - find a way of recording them, can you take screen shots and share them to an email address?

CremeEggThief Tue 19-Mar-13 16:11:43

Good for you, UUG. Keep going! thanks

UterusUterusGhali Tue 19-Mar-13 17:21:41

It all got a bit nasty on with the texts.
He sounds frankly deranged. He is so angry!

I did keep replying I'm afraid.
Mostly to point out what he'd done.

I was going to let the dust settle, but legal aid ends at the end of the month!
I might need to instruct a solicitor sooner than I think. (Do you instruct solicitors?)

My sister is comming up tonight.

I just ate something, but it's made me feel really unwell.

NinaHeart Tue 19-Mar-13 17:25:02

Of course he's angry. You aren't marching to the beat of his drum any more. He doesn't really know how to cope with this and it sounds as though it wasn't at all what he expected. You are doing so well UUG.
I'd see a solicitor sooner rather than later so you havae discussed your options.
And glad you will have your sister with you tonight. Hope she gives you a big hug!

Ledkr Tue 19-Mar-13 17:48:39

God they are quite happy when you're devastated aren't they. Mine was the same as soon as I appeared to be ok and living my life he was horrible to me. Accusing me if all sorts and blaming me for "over reactin" to his affair with a 16 yr old.
Even dared to suggest I cheated first. The twunt

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 19-Mar-13 17:50:35

Glad you will have rl support.

The anger is part of the script - its not going his way so he has to have a tantrum hmm

Yes, you need to see a solicitor ASAP.

Good luck x

CremeEggThief Tue 19-Mar-13 19:16:23

Glad your sister is coming up. I bet you're already starting to feel your better off without him, now he's showing his true colours. How dare he! angry

Stay strong. You're doing brilliantly.

CremeEggThief Tue 19-Mar-13 19:17:09

Sorry- You're better off.

flippinada Tue 19-Mar-13 19:19:24

Yep, funny how the tantrums start when you stop being distraught and start asserting yourself.

Glad your sister is coming over tonight to give you some support. Look how far you've come since you first posted - you're doing great xx

UterusUterusGhali Tue 19-Mar-13 20:36:01

It's been the longest 3 days of my life, longest week in fact, but I'm already getting stronger.

You guys are honestly keeping me sane.
I called 111 thinking I would get myself sectioned on Sunday.

His texts just keep getting stranger/funnier.

A couple of hours ago he said how him leaving had really put his team on the spot. (when he came home after I begged him, distraught, after the text)
All heart, my H.

flippinada Tue 19-Mar-13 20:39:54

I bet it has.

If they sectioned people for being heartbroken, hospitals would be completely overwhelmed! smile

You're going through a traumatic time - go easy on yourself.

Conina Tue 19-Mar-13 20:59:33

UUG I've just found your thread.

The change in your posts over the last few days is lovely. At first I was worried for you - you were so shocked, so scared, and yet in the last few posts, you're sounding so much more capable. I really believe that you're going to be ok. I don't like anything that you've told me about DH. He sounds like a twat. Just a grade A twat, with a dreadful mum to boot.

You're worth so much more x

Creameggkr Tue 19-Mar-13 23:17:54

Love this thread seeing how far you have come already I'm do mad i didn't know about mn when it happened to me.
Uterus you are seriously going to have a much better life without him I did more in the years after he left than I'd ever done in my life. It's like a second chance to get it right.

Lucylloyd13 Wed 20-Mar-13 16:26:47

poor uterus, stay strong.x

Hmmkay Thu 21-Mar-13 19:47:56

Hi Uterus, delurking to say I've been following your thread and have been thinking of you today. I hope you're okay x

nosferatu Thu 21-Mar-13 22:20:06

I know you do not want to hear this right now- but there is FUTURE after this. This is an initial shock and you are joining the club of many women. Once you are ready and on your feet, get your friends over, and share, you can't be at home all by yourself in this situation. You will get counselling and your life back on track. Believe me hug

UterusUterusGhali Fri 22-Mar-13 21:29:03

Everyone has been so so lovely.

I would never have got through this without youse lot & my RL friends.
Even the bloke in the electricity company call centre was lovely. His dd had just divorced an abusive h and he gave me tons of practical & legal advice.
Barry from s&s, I salute you!

I've been keeping busy with practical stuff.
I've cancelled sky sports & replaced it with movies fir the dc & I. Dh pays the dd Mwah ha ha.

He still has no idea what he's done to me. When he comes over we get on really well. We were best of friends. I think he wants to make another go of it.
That's fine, but it'll be on my terms & I'll still get councelling for ME!

Good stuff, Uterus smile

UterusUterusGhali Fri 22-Mar-13 23:27:13

Hey Plopsicles!

<<confident wave>>

tightfortime Fri 22-Mar-13 23:30:26

Fab lady, well done for the practical stuff but more importantly, well done for thinking of you, what you need, what you want.

Strong and forward looking. Just brilliant. Keep it up x

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 00:23:19

That's fine that he wants to 'make another go of it'? confused

Why does he get to call the shots? Has he been dumped again by the OW then?

I sincerely hope you've told him where to get off?

Lavenderhoney Sat 23-Mar-13 06:11:09

Been lurking, but had to post- UUG, he seems to have gone very fast from leaving and being so hurtful to wanting to make a go of it. I hope it's on your terms if you decide to go ahead.

And he stops with the " man of the house" stuff. Is that really what he thinks or is that direct from an older influence? One who clearly doesn't care much about you and your life. And all the guff about the stress affecting his team.

If he is a chef then he must be on double shifts a lot- so he is asking a lot for you to support that and be alone so much and work yourself, plus all the housework and care for dc . What support and love do you get? And you must be tired at night to wait up for him, so I doubt you get any time together anyway?

What's changed his mind, so fast, do you know?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 08:44:44

You're right of course.

It would be so much easier to just have him back. sad

He says he won't come back until I change, which is just him blaming me, and unacceptable. He realises he needs to change, but as you say he works long, cheffy hours,(as do I ) and we never see each other.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 08:49:59

We certainly won't rush into anything. I think it'll follow tge script.

I become more confident without him. Go back to the Pre-PND Uterus.
He wants me back because I'm as above.
I realise I'm too good for him.

trustissues75 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:59:26

Hey Uterus

I've not been on this thread for a few days but just happened to see part of your last post in my "posts I'm on Feed" and it set off alarm bells so I thought I'd pop over. I was there at the beginning of this post and he was a bit of a nasty bastard wasn't he?! Just please, think long and hard....and read this link (sorry if someone's already posted it)

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html

hugs.

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 09:24:57

You want to just end all the pain and doubt and just get your life back don't you?
I remember the same feelings. Then one day during the time I was considering having him back, I was putting on make up before I went home from a long tiring shift. I realised then that I couldn't do it. Try to be enough to stop him leaving me again.
It was afrightenly easy decision to make.
Please consider what you have been through already and how he's unlikely to change.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 09:58:28

Oh god you're right. sad

I think I'd just do anything to stop that hideous feeling.

What is it he wants you to change? Is (any of) it reasonable? What do you want him to change?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 11:12:34

The way I treat him when I'm really down. I take it out on him. I've talked a lot with my sister about this and we both do it. We were bought up by an emotionally distant, v v angry single mum. We never saw any other way. If you love someone, it's ok to scream at them when you're upset. We are both going to seek councelling to try to stop us doing this.

He needs to engage with us. Spend time with me. He is so focused on work and when he gets home at 11:00-12:00pm he is too tired to engage.
He has no opinion on holidays or anything to do with our family life.

Sounds pretty futile, doesn't it? :-(

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 11:18:24

He won't have sex, either.

I have put on lots of weight since going on anti ds.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 23-Mar-13 11:21:24

Good for you and your sister getting counselling to deal with your issues, just make sure you're doing it for yourself and not for him.

How are you feeling now?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 23-Mar-13 11:22:52

I don't know how men think that pointing out the fact that your fat will be helpful! My Ex always went on about fat I was. I was a size 10!

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 11:26:29

Uterus. I am inclined to be depressed since dd2 was born. Poor sleeper and big lifestyle change for me (other dcs older)
I have put on two stone since I met him.
I am inclined to be difficult as I too had a strange upbringing.
Dh however does not leave me and his child and step child he also very much stil wants sex with me.
I am guessing that is because he loves me.
Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour.
I know you want to feel better but trust me having a remorseless unchanged husband back along with a list of demands from you and a history of at least fancying someone else, is not going to make you feel any better.
This is the part wher you either get revenge or at least make him beg for your forgiveness.

What do you think would make you happy, long-term?

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 11:50:16

You could be a Size 8 Stepford wife who made no demands of him and he would still be a prick who talked about being the 'man of the house' and who had affairs with any woman who'd have him.

His leaving had nothing to do with you.

He left because he was having an affair and has been dumped yet again by OW.

Please see this.

If you think you need counselling, it would be more helpful to have as its objective why you ever thought this man was all you were worth.

He is a prick.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 15:31:36

I'm not sure I know any more, Ploppers.
sad

I want it to be like it was before we had dc3 and stopped sleeping.

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 15:43:13

We have a non sleeper and its definitely affected us but not to this extent.
He did what he did because he doesn't have enough love and respect for you, not because you are overweight or sleep deprived.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 23-Mar-13 15:46:08

Ledkr your oh sounds lovely! smile

I thought I had a good 'un. I truly did.

I wake up every morning with that Michael McDonald song in my head. "I keep forgetting we're not in love anymore".

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 17:01:59

He is a good one yes but I had to go through what you are now to eventually be with him.
You are doing what I did and over romanticising things.
Take off your rise specs and think if how things have reallu been.
We had reached the stage where we couldn't even agree on what to eat!!

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 17:02:37

Sorry rose specs.

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 18:01:20

How could he ever have been a 'good 'un' if he thought he was the 'man of the house' who deserved special treatment because he had a penis?

None of this has anything to do with your youngest's sleep habits, or your PND. Stop diverting the blame for this on to yourself or your child.

This bloke is a selfish, unfaithful sexist who is only trying to come back now because he's been blown out by the woman he left for.

leftfootrightfoot Sat 23-Mar-13 20:35:03

How are you doing Uterus? My H walked out on me and 2 LOs just over two weeks ago to find himseelf, and found another woman immed hmm. You story feels so similar to mine in many ways, hope your weekend is going ok

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:05:04

Hello again.

I'm back to square one.
He asked me to drop off kids in a strange town. I had a massive panic attack when I got lost. I shouted at him on the phone. he cold shouldered me. Won't talk to me.

We had booked a nice restaurant tomorrow to talk about stuff, although he said he didn't want to talk.

I should be with my husband, not dropping the kids off tohim.

I am supposed to be going out with work tonight. I just feel suicidal. If I can't be with my husband I don't want to be anywhere.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:12:29

He hates me so much. I don't know why. There's nothing I can do to stop him hating me. He hates me because I'm mental, but I can't help this. I'll never be whi he wants me to be. I don't want to be anything but his wife. I can't go on like this. I can't be without him.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:14:23

Just happened on this and couldn't leave it after seeing your update.

I'll just say one thing - don't you dare kill yourself over this man!

I mean that in the kindest way possible smile

Can you call a friend for some RL support, because it sounds like you really need some right now.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:17:47

Hang on a minute, what about your DC. Do you really want to leave them?

I know you are in a tremendous amount of pain but it won't always be like this.

Please don't do anything, and keep posting here.

Sending you some kind thoughts xx

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:18:20

I'm this mess because he left, but he thinks I should be jolly all the time. He doesn't see how he gas affected me.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:20:07

I just shout at the kids because I'm a mess.
Theyll just be poor with me.
He earns all tge money, as he always tells me.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:30:45

I'll tell you something I don't talk about much.

I nearly lost my mum when I was 11 - she tried to kill herself. It wasn't successful, but I didn't see her for eighteenth months and it was the worst time of my life.

Trust me - you don't want to put your kids through that. You really, really don't.

At the end of the day, children don't really care about things like money and material stuff, but they do love their mums, and they'll miss you like you wouldn't believe.

No man is worth losing your kids and your life over.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:32:20

Anyway never mind me - what you really need right now is a friend. Please pick up the phone and call your best friend, your family, anyone who will help. You need someone there right now, not words on a screen.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 17:33:25

I just need my husband to love me.

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 17:36:30

Don't do anything lovely, just keep posting on here, but please give also give someone a ring so they can come and be with you.

GeekLove Fri 29-Mar-13 17:52:52

An man who makes you cry is not worth your tears. He doesn't understand because he is not capable of it as he is the only person who has any needs or emotions EVER. That and the fact he says he earns all the money shows what a contemptible emotional parasite. He is probably getting off on the emotional drama of it as it fuels his ego.
Please keep posting.

mutantninjamyrtle Fri 29-Mar-13 17:56:07

Uterus - you don't need this man, so stop turning yourself inside out to try and please him. Think about the strange town situation and cold shoulder again. If he gave a shite he wouldnt have put you in that situation but he's just heartless. He set you up to fail, so you can feel bad and have your confidence destroyed.

Please, please get angry with the fucker.

UterusUterusGhali Fri 29-Mar-13 18:03:38

I'm too weak to be angry.

I'm going to my mums. I'm supposed to be going out with friends. That might beva good distraction.

I'm just empty again

flippinada Fri 29-Mar-13 18:09:47

Going to your mums sounds like a good idea.

Rulesgirl Fri 29-Mar-13 18:13:22

Uterus....I havnt read your complete thread but (and I know Im going to be slated here) if you believe deep down that he is a good man and you love him then if you really really want to you could salvage something from this wreck. Its something only you can decide on. No one else. Its your life and your future. Many marriages have hit the rails at a certain point and it is usually the man who walks away and the story does seem to always be the same but there are usually many reasons why and often the signs are there years before the Affair. The Affair is not really the reason the man leaves its what has happened in the years before it. Many women have come out of these make or break crises in their marriage and many decide to stand and fight and in the process they change themselves for the better and find that they are a lot stronger and more powerful than they thought possible. They become capable of living on their own and being happy , and they sometimes decide that they want to start a new relationship with their husband too.

mutantninjamyrtle Fri 29-Mar-13 18:17:33

Please get some support from your friends and try to take ten seconds off... Honestly, I would eat my own backside if it turned out your miserable H didn't have another woman/ victim on the go.

This is what they do when they're off with soneone else - put you in situations where you lose it or fall apart, so they can then go 'look at that total mess - see, I am completely justified in being an arse and wrecking my children's lives."

Yes, he will act like he hates you as he ought to hate himself butche's projecting... And he's really not worth your tears - certainly not your life.

Loulybelle Fri 29-Mar-13 19:11:14

Uterus I've been where you are, i tried to kill myself, leaving DD behind, later that day, i got home, my ex fiancee, left me that night, i cried non stop for months, Social services got involved, took DD away from me, said i was neglectful, when i was very clearly depressed, i felt no one wanted to help, i wanted my ex to come back and it all go away, i fought so hard to get DD back, and the depression is finally under control, so now, nearly 4 years later:

Lou, you nearly married a selfish twunt

Im single, happy, doing things for me, my life is boring, but its safe, and its my life with DD, everyone else can just fuck off, not pleasing anyone else but me and DD. Thats all.

LittleChickpea Sat 30-Mar-13 07:04:22

Uterus, I am so sorry. Are there any friends or family hat can come and stay over for a bit? thanks

AllOverIt Sat 30-Mar-13 07:29:25

Hope you're feeling more positive this morning UUG? hmm

Uterus please call me or FB me if you need to, I am always around, bring the DC (mine will be delighted), you can crash if need be, loads of space for the four of you xx

Lavenderhoney Sat 30-Mar-13 20:11:43

Uterus, can you see your friend mistress poppy? I think you know her in rl?
Mistressploppy, can you call uterus? If you know her?

He is being an arse. You are not mental. You are the mother of 3 amazing dc who love you. Your dh is not worthy- he hasn't been the dh he was and has now left. You said yourself, you have a new normal and he was cruel to make you think it might work again.

I hope your dm is looking after you. It's the shock, of him leaving, then being nice, then being an arse again. He doesn't hate you. I'm guessing he doesnt like himself much and is taking it out on you. Its very hard, but think of your dc and yourself. He didn't treat you right, he isn't now.

Take care of yourself - can you tell work and get sometime off to sort out your finances? You don't have bend to his will, just because he earns the money. He sounds very selfish. You on the other hand sound very kind and tolerant.

2anddone Sat 30-Mar-13 21:14:48

Holding your hand so tightly uug. I am in a similar position dh has left for a few days to decide what he wants to do. I have put on a big show for dc and he has been coming to put them to bed. I feel sick all the time waiting for him to decide what he wants and I have only told my best friend as I don't want anyone to know in case he comes back. We can be strong and get through this together x

Apileofballyhoo Sun 31-Mar-13 00:02:54

Hope you are feeling a little bit better Uterus. Don't leave your DCs, give them a better life. Happy Mum equals Happy DCs. You have so much ahead of you that will be good. This is a turning point in your life. Remember your kids love you and you love them. Just the other night you had fun with your dd on the sofa. Keep yourself detached from husband, he is throwing you into turmoil. Don't agree to travelling to strange places. Let him do the running, protect yourself.Anxiety is the other side of depression. Build a wall between him and you. Put an emotional plastic bubble wrap around yourself. Imagine his hurtful words bouncing off you and into space. Withdraw to your inner self, protect yourself and stay safe. You are the only person in the world who loves the DCs as much as you love the DCs. A father should do what he can to protect the emotional well being of his children's mother in order to protect their emotional well being. He should not belittle you in any way and it is wrong of him. Things can and will get better. Shut him out emotionally and don't let him destroy your balance. He has no power over you if you don't let him. Put yourself first, your wants, your needs. You are a strong capable woman. He is an immature, irresponsible running away from marriage man. House tidy my arse. I am assuming he has arms and legs?

memorylapse Mon 01-Apr-13 16:49:44

I am late to this thread but wanted to share my experiences,
2.5 years ago when my dc were 16, 9, 6 and 6 months..my xh told me that he no longer loved me and was leaving...I was distraught and blamed myself for being too busy with a new baby to notice he was unhappy...then I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked with..he wouldnt admit it..even though I had the text evidence..he carried on lying saying it was all my fault..accused me of being a monster when Id been exhausted from lack of sleep..finally I plucked up the courage to throw him out in 2011 and enjoyed being on my own..but I still loved him very much and took him back later in the year....however the man I married had gone..and in his place was a heartless selfish man who thought he could carry on his affair whilst living under my roof and mentally and emotionally abuse me. Things came to a head when in April last year he assaulted me on my little girls second birthday...In front of the children..the next day I phoned the domestic abuse unit and 8 weeks later I had moved out with the children..
The last year has been hard, I wont lie and he regularly taunts me with how he never loved me..hated me for years etc...all very different from what I recall before He started seeing his other woman..sadly he rewrote history in order to silence his conscience. ? Made it easier to behave so appallingly towards someone he had spent 17 years with.
What ever the outcome..please dont try and win this man back..he is not worthy of your love..YOU are the prize..and he should attempt to win YOU back..if thats what you wanted..but please dont do anything silly..this vile man has treated you so cruelly..he doesnt deserve your tears or distress..you will get through this..I promise..I thought my life was over even until quite recently I still struggled to comprehend how he could do this..then I realised it was because he was a self entitled git who out his own self satisfaction before anything else..my revenge? Me and the kids are getting on with life..Ive had a fling which proved Im not ugly..The kids are happier...and Im getting better each day...him...he is stony broke..cant afford a car and lives a relatively empty life..he gets to see two of his children once every two weeks..my 12 year old wont see him because he is still angry at his dad..and as for his ow..well he doesnt live with her and spends most of his time messing with her head now...
You will get through this, but what will annoy your husband more is you make out you are managing just fine..even if inside you feel like dying..don't let him know..surround yourself with support...show him you are doing just fine WITHOUT him..he will hate that

Rulesgirl Mon 01-Apr-13 17:23:30

Uterus, I hope you come back and talk. There are a lot of really lovely ladies out there who will help you through this and give you good advice. The main thing is not to let this man hurt you anymore. Apileofballyhoos post is really good as a way of dealing with all this in the hear and now. Try and look after yourself as best you can and treat yourself to some nice food so that you can eat a little more. Your children love you and need you so much so let them be your reason for getting stronger.

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