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AIBU about weed?

(60 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Sat 16-Mar-13 18:54:37

Ok. So I have a new boyfriend. He's lovely in so many ways. Great dad, lover, kind considerate. Only ( and pretty major) bugbear for me is that he smokes weed and i hate it. He never smokes around me. He does have this stoner mate though whom he is out with tonight. Trouble is I hate weed as it makes me go psycho. He said he will give it up for me ... but then that would make me the boring, controlling girlfriend won't it? What do I do? I don't want to break up over this but I worry it will drive a wedge between us. Mabe he needs a gf who is not so anti-drugs?

superstarheartbreaker Sat 16-Mar-13 18:55:32

I wouldn't have such a problem with stoner mate but he one of those who dosn't get how someone could go to a party without taking drugs confused

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 16-Mar-13 18:59:51


How do you know he's a great Dad if he's a new boyfriend? have you met his kids? Does he see them often? It's hard for an outsider to say whether someone is a good Dad from a snapshot of their life.

The weed would put me off. Now and again it's not so much of a problem but people who are regualrly stoned off their tits are the most boring losers in the world.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 16-Mar-13 19:01:21

My opinion is that you can put anything you want into your own body as long as you don't tell me what to put into mine; but then if I give my anti-drugs lecture then I will be a hypocrite. Fuck; I do hate drugs and the way they fuck with people.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 16-Mar-13 19:03:19

Have met kids. Is a couple of months old. Totally devoted and on the ball with kids. Sees them 3 nights a week. Excellent dad. Excellent. Trouble is some can smoke the occasional spliff and function.(him)I smoke a spliff and go psycho! I'm not gonna lie; the thing I am anxious about is his wreck head mate who btw is married and ttc!

I gave it up when I met my husband, because he was very anti drugs. I never considered him to be controlling (nor boring!), it was my choice. I never resented it at all. Now if he'd just give up the Guinness for me....

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 16-Mar-13 19:17:35

Sorry, do you mean one of the kids is only a couple of months old? I'd be questioning that first. Why did he break up with the mother AND start a new relationship when the baby is only a couple of months old?

That AND the weed as well would be a red flag for me.

BucketsnSpades Sat 16-Mar-13 19:30:22

The weed would turn me right off, i've yet to meet a single person who has fulfilled their full potential whilst using it.

I'm very anti drugs now but i guess that in those first few months of a relationship when the attraction is really strong it's near impossible to end a relationship on the basis of drug use because at that point you've not experienced all of the negatives.

Maybe wait a while before commiting to this man.

badinage Sat 16-Mar-13 19:36:28

It wouldn't bother me a jot to be called controlling or boring, I'd never entertain a relationship with a drug addict.

Why did his last relationship break up then, seeing as his youngest child is virtually a newborn? How does he pay his fair share for them when he has to fund a drug habit?

Assajjventress Sat 16-Mar-13 19:37:58

Great dad with who, your kids, his kids? I think once you have kids it's a no to weed really. Yeah maybe odd occasion but anymore is a problem.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 16-Mar-13 19:53:53

I don't know how you can say he is an excellent Dad OP. He has obviously split with the mother of a newborn and got so heavily and quickly involved with you that you have met his kids already, all while his baby is a "a couple of months" old.

Add Weed to this and a "stoner" friend, and I'm thinking he's not much of a catch. I think the first flush of lust hasn't worn off yet and when it does, you'll be posting in relationships again.

It's a sad state if affairs and I don't mean to sound harsh to you OP.

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 16-Mar-13 19:59:57

My ex said he had given weed up.

Then -

he sent me a text by mistake, asking when he could pick some up.

Thought I was in the bath, when I was in fact watching him out of the bedroom window. He was smoking a bong in the garden.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 16-Mar-13 20:04:19

Good point Sunshine. Someone can offer to give up weed "for you", but until they can give it up for themselves it's kind of a losing battle.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:38:45

Hi all. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear; his son is two and almost three not a few months old.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:40:52

His son was two when they split. What I think makes him a good dad is that he still sees his step dd on a regular basis and regards her as his own. He needn't have bothered. he is genuinely great when they are around.

badinage Sun 17-Mar-13 00:41:28

So are you saying that you've met his kids after a relationship of only 2 months?

Has he met yours?

Why did his relationship break up and how is he paying a fair whack for his kids despite an expensive drug habit?

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:42:19

Apparently they 'don;t get on'. We are going to have the talk tomorrow.

badinage Sun 17-Mar-13 00:42:39

I think that's a minimum for a step-parent actually. It doesn't especially merit 'good Dad' status.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:42:46

He does hold down a pretty well-paid job but for me that is irrelevant.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:43:33

Yes hes met mine.

badinage Sun 17-Mar-13 00:45:06

Your posts are rather confusing. 'They don't get on' implies a current relationship, not a defunct one. How long ago did his relationship end then?

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:49:57

no they coparent so obviously they are in contact.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 00:51:14

but no romantic relationship. They are coparents and as he has the kids so much they communicate; sporadically! i have noo issue with and in fact encourage this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Mar-13 06:38:10

Don't get into a relationship with someone that you think is only 90% OK, banking on them voluntarily correcting the other 10%. People rarely change and what is an annoying idiosyncrasy in the early days will have you wanting to kill them a few years down the track. If you hate drugs, don't get with a drug-user.

specialmagiclady Sun 17-Mar-13 06:57:19

Expensive drug habit? Where did OP say that? Drug addict? Where are people getting this idea from?

I think it would absolutely depend HOW this guy is using weed and how influential his stoner friend is. If he enjoys an occasional spliff at the weekend in the way one might enjoy a glass or two of wine, no problem. If he only smokes weed when he's with his mate - and he doesn't see him every night, no problem.

If, however, he is mostly stoned, he drops you to go out with his useless mate etc then there is a problem.

Why do you think that just because he takes a drug it means you have to? Is his friend one of those "go on go on go on" friends? I bloody hate people like that whether it's drugs or beer they're pushing. No means no. If boyfriend can't respect your desire to avoid it, that's an alarm bell too.

If, however, he likes to wind down with an occasional joint and it doesn't effect your relationship in any way, dom't sweat it.

Also bear in mind you haven't known each other very long, you don't have to get all serious. Can you keep it light until you know each other really well?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Mar-13 07:05:28

'Don't sweat it'? hmm If the OP doesn't like weed or weed-users, they don't like it. That's all that matters here. Not how much he spends or how responsible a user he is or what other people think of the habit. I don't like tobacco, tobacco smokers or the atmosphere smoking creates. I once went into a relationship with someone I thought was an ex-smoker and it was a disaster when he started up again.

That's why I say it's a mistake to think there's a future in a relationship when there's a fundamental difference of opinion and preferences. The only future is disappointment.

OhToBeCleo Sun 17-Mar-13 07:37:45

I agree with specialmagiclady, it depends on the type of 'user' he is. Did you know about this before you started getting more serious introducing him to the kids?

Does he always have to have weed in the house 'just in case'? (alarm bell), does he have just one every day 'to take the edge off'? (alarm bell), does he smoke when he's looking after the kids? (ALARM BELL), has he ever taken any other harder drugs? Is he a social smoker who has one once in a while when with the stoner friend (could be excusable).

About the 'stoner' friend: how well do you know him? Define 'stoner' (ie does he answer yes to most of the above?).

My exH was an addict habitual user and it had a massive (negative) effect on our marriage.

Dahlen Sun 17-Mar-13 09:35:32

I'm afraid it would be a deal breaker for me. It's not like any other personal choice that comes with the person. It's illegal. This means it's associated with all sorts of other unpleasant trades (e.g. human trafficking), linked with other drugs even if the end user him/herself sticks only to cannabis, it can result in a criminal record that could affect future employment and travelling to other countries.

And, of course, it carries a huge, huge risk to physical and mental health. Most joints are the equivalent of smoking 20 cigarettes, assuming they are rolled with tobacco. Rolled without, the THC concentrate will be higher and so carry increase the mind-altering effect. Lung cancer in older age, depression and other mental health problems are a very high risk.

You want to sign up for that voluntarily?

Dahlen Sun 17-Mar-13 09:37:44

I've known many cannabis users over the years. Many manage to hold down jobs successfully and remain functioning, happy human beings with happy families. Not a single one of them has ever had any 'get up and go' though IMO, preferring to relax by smoking a joint than doing anything more interesting or healthy for their mind or body. Ultimately, I have always found them very boring. As they get older, they either give it up or becomes a whole way of life and even more boring.

Kernowgal Sun 17-Mar-13 17:34:54

From personal experience (exP also had friend who was a heavy weed smoker, in fact he grew it and supplied my exP), I would end a relationship with someone who revealed that they smoked. My exP's personality changed completely when he smoked, although it was skunk he was smoking rather than milder stuff like hash, and the highs were accompanied by terrible lows. He also put us in several potentially dangerous situations when trying to score while on holiday.

His excuse was that it helped him cope with chronic pain, but he refused to see his doctor to find out about alternative options and so it became abundantly clear that the weed was actually a social thing.

I fucking hated it, basically. He was a 'good dad' but what if he'd had a smoke and then there was an emergency with the kids that required him to drive somewhere?

It's a total dealbreaker for me. And you're being naive if you think he'd give it up for you.

Kernowgal Sun 17-Mar-13 17:40:50

To be fair to your boyfriend, my exP's habit served to highlight how much of an arsehole he was, in that it magnified his abusiveness and gave him an excuse (comedowns) to behave even more appallingly towards me.

I will never forget my ex sitting outside Marrakech airport frantically smoking what remained of the weed he'd bought because he didn't want to waste any. How fucking pathetic. I now wish I'd tipped off the police and had him arrested smile

FarBetterNow Sun 17-Mar-13 19:54:36

My XH has smoked weed for 32 years and is practically brain dead.
It isn't harmless, though 30 years ago I thought it was.

It would be a deal breaker for me - so would someone having to have a couple of pints or a couple of glasses of wine every day.

It does seem to result in MH problems.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 20:19:47

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. We spoke today. I voiced my concerns. He voiced his. Basically he said that he dodn't want to cause me any harm but he worries that he won't be able to quit so he is an addict basically. I told him I wouldn't expect him to go cold turkey but if there is any future for us he's have to cut down and /or keep it seperate (Is that possible....really?).
He started when his mum died and when he was under a lot of pressure at work. He got shafted re a promotion etc etc etc. he started as a way of coping and now can't stop. He says he never smokes around his kids but would occasionally go into to the garden to have a spliff.
We are both going to think about it although we have said that we are glad that we met etc. I don't think it ios possible to keep weed and relationships seperate forever. he says he dosn't smoke every day but has a spliff to wind down after work if it has been very stressful. I said I would tolerate it for now which is more than generous but I am wavering.Why is there always bloody something?
Oh yeah and his mate is one of those go on, go on, go on mates. UUUUUGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

superstarheartbreaker Sun 17-Mar-13 20:21:14

Well I told him that one of the reasons why I hate drugs is that they have helped me (and several of my mates) end up in the local psychiatric ward. Nice. Two of my best mates have developed schizophrenia because of the drug.

Numberlock Sun 17-Mar-13 20:34:00

You've got your answer then.

Just learn from it and add it to your list of what you won't accept next time you date someone.

Sorry it didn't work out this time.

Kernowgal Sun 17-Mar-13 20:36:09

I think the fact that he thinks he wouldn't be able to give up would be a big red flag to me.

I would be seriously concerned that it would impact on our life together. As someone said upthread, if he were saying that he didn't think he could give up alcohol you'd wonder what you were getting involved with, no?

I'd also give serious thought to what kind of example he was setting to his and your children.

Kernowgal Sun 17-Mar-13 20:37:19

And before the pro-weed lobby come on, I used to smoke it myself but gave up because I grew up.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sun 17-Mar-13 20:48:54

So he doesn't smoke around the kids, but leaves them indoors whilt he goes outside to smoke weed? Hmm.

The other thing is that Weed stinks to high heaven and I would have an issue with that. If he can't give up, he is an addict. Move on, Lesson learned. Well done for analysing this sensibly before rushing in.

Oh and two months is too soon to meet each other's kids.

badinage Sun 17-Mar-13 21:09:37

I don't get the impression you're going to end it. Are you?

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:27:03

OP- don't know how old you are but I had a similar situation with a boyfriend when I was 15. I thought he was the one, the only slight drawback was that he smoked weed- but never around me and it didn't seem excessive so I stayed with him. I promised myself I'd never touch the stuff.

A few months later the pair of us were both on crack cocaine, though I was far more addicted than he was. I ended up being kicked out by my parents and lived with my boyfriend for a while, then had to leave his and ended up homeless. Both of us had been expelled from school at this point. I had a pregnancy which ended with a stillborn, in which my drug abuse could have been a factor. When I was 16 I got extremely lucky and was taken into a private fostering agreement, managed to get clean, went back to school, took my GCSEs, broke up with the boyfriend and got my life back on track. I thought that was the end of it.

Then when I was 17 I had a bad experience with a different boyfriend I won't go into, I didn't know how to cope with it and long story short ended up back on the drugs, kicked out of my foster mother's, back with the first boyfriend (who was dealing the drugs) and sleeping rough. It took realising I was pregnant with DD to make me realise it had to stop. Thankfully my foster mum agreed to take me back in, I ended up having to resit my A levels after I had DD but other than that my life's back on track 3 years on and I know this time I won't ever be tempted again.

What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't seem like a huge deal to have a boyfriend using weed when he says he doesn't use often, doesn't do it around you and you know you won't be tempted. But it can get completely out of hand, very, very scarily quickly, even if you never intend it to.

Helltotheno Sun 17-Mar-13 21:36:18

Run like the wind OP

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Mar-13 09:25:08

"I said I would tolerate it for now which is more than generous but I am wavering."

You're wavering because you've sold yourself short and you know it. He's got every excuse in the book, talks a good game, and I think you'll find that 'tolerating it for now' just means he carries on as normal while you waste more years of your life on something that's going nowhere.

Do find some courage. You could do better than him.

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 09:28:06

its an evil evil drug tolerated by society.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 18-Mar-13 09:34:36

Yes, come on OP. You're selling yourself short and involving both sets of kids in something that's starting off with a reluctant compromise.

He's never going to stop and you're never going to like it. Don't let the children get attached.

ChairmanoftheBored Mon 18-Mar-13 09:40:23

I think someone who has the occasional spliff is quite different to a drug addict to be honest. Conversations about drugs always do provoke extreme views. If it was me, I would also be concerned about entering into a serious relationship with someone who has such a young child and a recent break-up.
How long have you been together? Is there a need to be in such a hurry? Could you maybe just see how it pans out?
I would have a long think and a discussion with him about how you feel about drugs and whether or not this is negotiable.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 18-Mar-13 13:59:27

Chairman, whilst I do agree with you, it's all too common for heavy users and addicts to persuade themselves and others that they only do it on a social or casual basis.

If this man is leaving his kids indoors whilst going outside for a spliff, that seems like a NEED rather than an occasional liking. The other red flag is that he says he won't or can't stop.

specialmagiclady Mon 18-Mar-13 19:50:19

I'm now firmly in the Bin Him camp. Not so much because I think he may be an addict, but because of that seed of doubt in your mind. For you, personally this sounds like a dealbreaker. It might not be for me, it is for you. If you stick with the relationship you will just become more deeply enmeshed and it will be harder to give him up. If you are meant to be together, he will give up the weed and come and find you. If he can't/won't give it up, he simply loves the weed more than he loves you. Sorry but I think it's the end for this one. Listen to your instincts.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Mon 18-Mar-13 19:53:23

Exactly what ChocsAway said. This is not a promising start.

mamasr Mon 18-Mar-13 19:55:55

I think there comes a time where people need to stop smoking weed ie. when they graduate university (early 20s) it annoys me when people have a lax view on the stuff as it is a harmful drug and after year will turn the user into a different person.. From experiences of my DB who thankfully seems to have turned it around. He was fine with it, a brilliant guy, good family etc then he just became this paranoid person overnight, horrible to witness. If he's offered to give it up then take him up on the offer. You wouldn't be controlling, you are helping his health and in the long run I'm sure he'll be thankful of you. Hope you manage to get it sorted & don't feel bad for him stopping.

BriAndLottie Mon 18-Mar-13 20:00:54

Chocsaway as someone who's been in that position I couldn't agree with you more. There's a huge difference between a need and an occasional liking, and going from one to the other is not an obvious or easily reversible process. By the time you realise you're hooked it's often too late and before you know it weed isn't strong enough anymore- the progression from weed to stronger substances is easier than you might think.

suburbophobe Mon 18-Mar-13 20:14:46

Oh yeah and his mate is one of those go on, go on, go on mates. UUUUUGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Well, you're obviously not going to let THAT affect you, are you? Just tell him to take a hike, and if you have difficulty with it, a good lesson in setting your boundaries. He sounds a bit immature anyway. And controlling.

Anyway, only you can decide if you want to live with a man who likes to smoke weed.

I personally don't have a problem with it. Millions of people partake of marijuana all over the world.
If you can function on it, I don't see the problem.
And most people function perfectly well on it, job, family, financially o.k., travel, etc.

Personally, I'd prefer a joint over a valium any day! grin

superstarheartbreaker Tue 19-Mar-13 05:36:33

Hi all. I think it's over. Basically his reaction on Sunday hurt me when he admitted that he wasn't sure he could kick the habit. To which I said I thought in that case he might be an addict. He maintains it is only a bit of weed to help him wind down after work. So if it is only a bit of weed then why is he prepared to put this over a relationship? It made me mad as I feel that what he said about giving it up for me was bollocks. He says he needs to think because of my bad reaction to his smoking. But in my eyes anyone who has to think about if they are going to put a drug over girlfriend can't really care that much.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 19-Mar-13 05:37:08

And ultimately he has to give it up for himself.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 19-Mar-13 10:30:01

Good decision superstar. If he needs time to think about, that would tell me everything I needed to know. I also think he is in denial. I have very stressful days and don't need weed to cope.

Nah. No way.

I've been following this thread for a couple of days and just want to give you my POV.

When DP and I met 10 years ago, we both smoked it. I was a very much one at the weekend person because I couldn't really handle it, he was a heavy heavy user. I never really saw the problem with it because I never knew all of the risks associated with it. I gave up before I got pregnant because it just ruined my weekend when I smoked it, and I would rather have a drink. At that point never saw the issue with DP smoking it.

Then I fell pregnant. And DP started smoking grass. It stinks. It made him depressed. I started to hate that seedy eyed look he had. So I asked him to give it up. He gave up did it behind my back.

Long story short, we are about to break up after 10 years and 2 DDs because he is addicted and I cant take the mood swings, the smell, the lack of motivation and above all else the lying about it. I don't want it in the house and he agreed not to do it here, but waits until I'm in bed or out the house and rolls himself a fat one. I can fucking smell it though!

For example, this morning I took the kids to school and when I came back he was gouched on the couch and I could SMELL it. He flat out denied it. That was breaking point for me.

Save yourself some heartache and don't go there. Apart from the kids, I wish I hadn't.

Fuck I think I need a thread of my own, sorry for the hijack OP

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 19-Mar-13 18:03:31

spongebob, that's a really sad story and in no way a hijack since it could be the OP ten years down the line. I'm so sorry for your predicament.

My ex flatmate smoked weed so much that in the end he dropped out of his job. I hated coming home and seeing a foggy room full of stoned people with blank eyes looking catatonic and talking in that horrible sleepy voice. I moved out when his "friend" was slicing and weighing resin on my kitchen scales.

BriAndLottie Tue 19-Mar-13 18:52:13

OP- trust me, if he isn't prepared to give it up for the sake of your relationship, he isn't worth having around. My 3 year old DD with my first boyfriend, who got me hooked on weed and then onto crack cocaine, has only had her father in her life for the past 4 months or so because of his addiction, we're no longer together and he's now kicking off over custody. He's accusing me of being back on the drugs which is absolutely not true, I actually think he might have started using again but I have no proof and so won't be making any accusations. It's an absolute nightmare, but our relationship started out incredibly similar to yours and if someone had told me at the beginning this was how it was going to turn out, I would have laughed. You're best off getting out now before things have a chance to escalate. Trust me.

Spongebob- so sorry to hear your story. I wasn't with DD's dad anywhere near as long as you've been with your DP so I can't pretend to understand, but I can sympathise, it's really rubbish sad I can't tell you how much better everything was after I split up with my ex-bf for the last time though- hang in there, getting away from that stuff makes the world of difference. You're doing the right thing.

Jux Wed 20-Mar-13 09:03:36

Don't waste your life or your children's lives on him.

He smokes to destress. Having children around him full time will be stressful. He can't not have a spliff when he sees his own kids, so what's he going to be like when he is around your kids every single day? He will smoke more and more.

Don't bother.

Good call OP - kick him to the kerb.

But I'm also thinking - you've only known him two months - that's 8 weeks - surely that's only a handful of dates so far (unless you've seen each other constantly which would be a red flag on it's own IMO...).

So why did you need to meet each others DC in that short space of time? confused

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