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Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

(890 Posts)
Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 12:25:15

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

shock What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 13:11:44

I suppose I should be glad that it's just me!

shockers Sat 16-Mar-13 13:33:50

I've got loads, but I try not to think about what a twat my mother can be. I just didn't want to read and run.

shockers Sat 16-Mar-13 13:34:19

I think that may be the first time I've sworn on here!

Earlybird Sat 16-Mar-13 13:37:42

'I would have stayed with you forever if you had been willing to let me have things on my terms.'

And he was dead serious when he said it.......shock confused

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sat 16-Mar-13 13:40:21

'Your dad had a lovely life, didn't he?' (Ha ha) - spending the family money on smokes, drinks and occasional bets, coming and going as he pleased, having nothing much to do with any of us unless it suited him, or to vent his rage at some imagined transgression, or a quick sneer/spot of random humiliation to amuse himself.

Yes, Mum, it must have been lovely for him hmm.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 16-Mar-13 13:59:47

'it's not my fault, I tried really hard to be nice' ( really?? Nobody else could see that...)

Wearegoingtobedlehem Sat 16-Mar-13 14:05:22

"I was only hard on you cause you were too soft and needed toughening up" from my father who frankly abused me in every way possible angry

" I yes we know all about social services" from my mother to my sister - my mother was honestly a true narc who turned a blind eye to what her dear husband did. blush

HidingFromDD Sat 16-Mar-13 14:07:17

"Your miscarriage has upset me so much that your dad is taking me away for the weekend so you can't come and stop as planned"
"I need to go shopping - can you look after your sisters two children as well for a few hours" (when I was staying because I had v severe glandular fever and a 2 yr old with chicken pox, she was supposed to be looking after me!)

misty75 Sat 16-Mar-13 14:46:52

'You're insulting me and making me angry by being upset that you're unwell and off work with anxiety and depression, you're saying that you don't want to be like me , because I've had time off work with depression too' (my ex-friend , to me, when I was distressed and seeking support)

DameFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 14:53:00

Not in the same league, but I'll always remember the bloke who dumped me over the phone, and went into a whole load of why it was me not him. I hung the phone up gently as he didn't seen to need me to say anything, and he phoned back 5 minutes later to tell me how rude I was to hang up on him hmm grin [lucky escape]

'If you have a termination ill marry you and look I got us some holiday brochures, if you do the right thing!'
What a gent!

'Are you seriously going to Waitrosed dressed like that, people already wonder why I'm with you!'

Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 14:54:38

It's bizarre that they really and truly think they're not at fault, isn't it?!

I feel I should clarify: please don't post if it's going to make you feel rubbish to do so. That is really not what I intended to achieve with this so apologies if I have hit any nerves blush

littlejo67 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:06:50

My daughter died 8 wks before her 10 th birthday. I was too upset to talk to anyone that day. The day after her birthday i saw my mum she was mad i hadnt called her and she said "why should I ring you to see how your coping, she was my granddaughter , you should be ringing me"! Thanks for the support mum sad

shockers Sat 16-Mar-13 15:11:07

littlejob shock sad

Oh no Littlejo They really have NO idea how unbelievably selfish they are being do they? sad

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 16-Mar-13 15:17:55

Littlejo shock and sad and much sympathy. That is so sad.

My contribution: (from mum) "Leaving you standing alone and waving goodbye to me at the airport when you were thirteen and I went to live overseas (and left you with the neighbours) hurt me desperately!"

My "D"M was lovely. She didn't to go to the hospital to see me after I was born as I was born "deformed" and "why did it happen to her".

My aunt looked after me. I had a cleft lip.

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 16-Mar-13 15:19:50

Iwish so sad and shocking shock

sad for everyone on this thread.

MadamFolly Sat 16-Mar-13 15:30:41

sad

She also talked me out of having plastic surgery when I was 11 because she didn't like hospitals.

I suppose it's made me a better mother. DD has a cleft lip also and I would not, not even for a nanosecond, let her think there is anything "wrong" with her.

She has no idea that she was born with any sort of condition at all. I'll tell her when she's older as if she has DC they will have a greater risk of having a cleft lip.

Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 15:34:09

Oh littlejo, that is awful sad

I had a sort-of similar response from my M when I broke up with my long-term boyfriend (fiancee actually). Obviously it was nowhere near as heartbreaking as your story but I was still somewhat taken aback when she said 'I have this feeling that you've told everyone else more about what happened than you've said to me. Why? Why haven't you come to me and told me EVERYTHING?'

If I hadn't realised that she was about as much use as a chocolate teapot for supportive parent purposes, that would have done it hmm It's just ALWAYS about her.

MewlingQuim Sat 16-Mar-13 15:39:30

XP refusing to come to my best friend's funeral (she was 16) because he 'didnt like funerals'.

Six months later, same XP wouldn't visit me (I was 16) in hospital after I lost his baby because he 'didnt like hospitals'.

He was 27 BTW.

Sugarice Sat 16-Mar-13 15:47:19

After making my Mother a home made card for Mother's Day, she looked at it with disdain and said 'well you could have at least bought one,why didn't you go to town'

I think I was about 10 or 11.

When she left us with our Dad for another man and didn't even say goodbye, she didn't want a scene on the street so thought it best to just go during the day in case she was too upset if we cried.

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 15:48:31

sad Little

My mother the day after I had flown in to see them with my first child as a new baby:
"We are taking your sister's children to the beach for the day tomorrow. You won't be able to come because it is a stony beach not suitable for prams and we are taking them for a walk and an ice-cream"
I suppose we all have lots more where these came from

Thank goodness he's your "X" P Mewling

dimsum123 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:53:56

My mum when I complained about my bullying abusive dad, "Oh yes sorry, I should have stood up for myself more"!

And my bullying abusive dad who accused me of hacking into his emails to delete mail from his bridge club, told me that I was mad and needed to see a psychiatrist.

Both parents when I brought up my abusive neglect childhood told me to stop going on about it as they wanted to enjoy their retirement in peace! Err I would have quite liked to enjoy my childhood in peace too!

akaemmafrost Sat 16-Mar-13 15:56:37

When my sister had cancer my Mum moaned about how costly the petrol was to go and visit her so often in hospital shock. Even worse ALL my Dads petrol can be claimed on expenses because of his job. So what she really was doing was whining about spending money on petrol they'd be getting back three weeks later!

amistillsexy Sat 16-Mar-13 16:07:08

My mother, wagging her finger at me to complain about my having my own opinions (I'm in my 40s, by the way!), called me by my maiden name.
Me: "It's stillsexy now, Mum, I got married"
'D'M: "Yes, well that's another thing. How you could go and give up your father's name like that I'll never know. Trust you to do that."

I have a lovely husband who loves me, by the way!

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 16:09:56

Similar story Emma
In my 20s, I was seriously ill in hospital for over 3 weeks.
None of my family came to see me, and, to this day, my mother complains about the cost of her telephone calls to the friend who DID come and see me.

akaemmafrost Sat 16-Mar-13 16:14:47

sad AF. Thing is I didn't even realise how bad it was till I told a friend who was horrified. To me that was "just how Mum is". Actually I normalised a lot of things that are horrendous about my dealings with her and actually had to have it pointed out to me how terrible it was.

I remember disagreeing with her about something relatively minor just "well I don't agree" and got tears, "why are you doing this?!!" and "have you been having counselling or something? Is that why you are attacking me?"

Just goes to show how little I ever stuck up for myself and obviously "disagreeing" is actually "attacking" confused.

amistillsexy Sat 16-Mar-13 16:16:03

Another from my 'D'M, when my youngest (of 3) was about 2:

"Now you'll understand what I mean when I say I love your sister the most. You always love the eldest the most!"

I'm the youngest of her 3 daughters, and yes, Mum, I did happen to notice you not really realising I existed as a child. I think she thought we'd finally found something in common that we could bond over hmm

AMmyBoys Sat 16-Mar-13 16:19:16

I had an abusive partner back in my country, he would always talk to me like I was rubbish, let alone how he treated me. One day, in tears, I asked him why was he doing this to me if I was always good and kind to him, his answer was:
"Well if you don't respect yourself why on earth am I going to respect you?" That sentence changed my life forever: I dried my tears, I pack my luggage and I move to England seeking a twat-free life.

amistillsexy Sat 16-Mar-13 16:20:39

emma I've been 'accused' of going to therapy as well.

Too right I'm in bloody therapy! I wouldn't be here without it!

The latest gem is about my niece, who has an eating disorder, enabled by my DSis and DM...DM has decided to not allow her to come for her regular tea time with us this week...because she always eats her tea at our house, and it's bad for her to eat at our house and not at home! sad

Don't even get me started on why my DM is making decisions about her granddaughter instead of her own mother!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sat 16-Mar-13 16:20:48

Ex: "I don't get jealous because I can't imagine someone liking another person more than me."

DM's response to my having anorexia: "What are you trying to do to me?"
DF's response: "You have to snap out of it because you're giving me headaches."

greeneyed Sat 16-Mar-13 16:21:37

All very familiar - DM on why she never called home whilst she was working away (in the week) for 5 years when we were 12ish. " i couldn't call home because it upset me too much to speak to your (younger)sister" We were home alone with alcoholic, abusive father sad

amistillsexy Sat 16-Mar-13 16:21:50

Woo-Hoo! Good for you, AMmyboys. I hope it's working out for you. Well done you! thanks

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 16:23:03

Emma, but we should not have to stand up for ourselves against those who are supposed to protect us. sad
I think I always did understand how bad it was.
Just felt that it had to be kept hidden like some ugly secret that was my fault.
The only person I ever told in RL was my abusive FWEX - I will leave the effect that had to the imagination ...

greeneyed Sat 16-Mar-13 16:23:34

And yes I am always "too sensitive" and "attacking her" if I ever call her on anything I really just don't bother anymore, just take deep breaths smile

amistillsexy Sat 16-Mar-13 16:24:55

Lesser sad
My DM said similar to my DN this week..."You'd better snap out of this soon. It's making me ill!"

akaemmafrost Sat 16-Mar-13 16:27:21

I also get "why are you doing this?" whispered in a pathetic sad little voice as though I am attacking her with a Cat o nine tails! Instead of just saying "well actually I think you're wrong to say that women in abusive relationships should be stronger, then it wouldn't happen to them" (yes really!)

AMmyBoys Sat 16-Mar-13 16:29:13

Thank you amistillsexy smile. I now have two wonderful DS and a 99% of the time perfect DH. I couldn't have done better grin

Skyebluesapphire Sat 16-Mar-13 16:38:33

"The trouble with me is that I'm just a really nice bloke"

Said by XH on the day that he walked out with no prior warning.

Hattifattner Sat 16-Mar-13 16:39:10

greeneyed - Yes! I too am "too sensitive" when I call her on anything. WHen Im not being "cold" for not reacting with sufficient sympathy for her imagined illnesses.

Not so much said as done....my DM came over to "help" at the birth of DC3. She arrived when I was 35 weeks and booked her return flight for 3 weeks later - ie when I was 38 weeks. Thanks for the help mum.

buildingmycorestrength Sat 16-Mar-13 16:51:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyOldCatLady Sat 16-Mar-13 16:54:42

DM: 'I'm glad you don't have post natal depression after having DC2. You made everyone's lives very difficult the last time.'

DM: 'I can't possibly take DC1 while you visit DC2 in hospital, I'm far too tired after all the stress of him nearly dying at birth.'

DM: 'I've asked the NICU staff to make an exception to the ban on grandparents visiting without parents; we can't be expected to only visit when you're available.' There were 22 other babies in there at the time, so possibly 45 other sets of grandparents obeying the rules. But my parents were, of course, more important than any of them.

DM: 'I'm so glad you've finally done something to make me proud!' - after a choral concert, in front of the whole choir (and I wasn't particularly good, they would probably have been better without me!). I was 19.

DM: 'I'm so glad you're pregnant, I just wish you were having twins so I could have one.'

DM: 'Don't have any more children, I can't cope with any more grandchildren.' (She has two)

DM: 'I'm so glad DC2 is a boy, I was very disappointed when you turned out to be a girl.' (and many, many other variations on this theme)

dimsum123 Sat 16-Mar-13 16:55:22

Yes I was being oversenstive when I felt upset that my sister told me about her pregnancy many weeks after she told our other sister. And I'd spent ages on the phone to her listening to her problems when other sister was too busy and had no time for her.

And the reason she told our other sister first was because she lived nearer to her. Ok so suddenly now you can't pick up the phone, it only works when you want something from me.

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 17:02:11

Crazy I don't know whether your post made me want to laugh or cry!

dimsum123 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:09:23

And I also had normalized a lot of my family's nastiness. Was only when DH heard them and I had my own DCs that I started realising how awful they were.

My dad once told me totally seriously that because I had eczema I had to marry anyone that would have me but my sisters could and should be a lot more choosy.

And this was after I had married DH so insulting him and me in one sentence and with NO idea of the impact of what he had said.

I know why now he always preferred my sisters to me. Because of my skin. No unconditional love there then.

trustissues75 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:09:27

"You've told XXX about it? Oh, now the whole of town will know!!! What will the neighbours think!" DM to me when I was 20 and had run home from an abusive relationship, pregnant, and booked in for an abortion the following week. She still to this day denies she said that and I just imagined it....

trustissues75 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:12:02

Oh, and another corker..

"Why didn't you tell us you were miscarrying We had no idea what was going on."
"Because, mum, it was Christmas, all the family were here, I'd been to the hospital and there was nothing they could do for me, and |I didn't want to talk about it."
"But it would have made us feel so much better if you had..."

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sat 16-Mar-13 17:14:41

DM, when I split up with the father of my DCS: "Oh well, you were always difficult to live with." hmm

DuchessFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 17:16:45

" well you were stronger than your brother, so you could take it " there's so much more i could add, and much worse than this statement, but this has stuck with me for some reason - i wasn't particularly strong, just hardened to it. I fell apart when i met my DH and could 'rely' on someone .....

trustissues75 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:19:35

Lesser...I've had that too!!!!! My DM said that after I told her that my EX had ground chips and curry into my face...obviously I had done something to deserve it. Funny thing is...she came from a household where he father regularly beat her mother black and blue!!!

greeneyed Sat 16-Mar-13 17:20:32

duchess I've had exactly the same said to me

HughPughBarneyMcGrew Sat 16-Mar-13 17:21:26

I have horrible, yet thankfully occasional 48-hr depressive episodes, caused by thyroid issues. When I explained to DM that this particular episode was so bad, I had seriously contemplated suicide, she snorted and replied "yes, well, that's the answer to everything, isn't it?" DH has a saying: another helpful remark from your mother. It's become my calming mantra. smile

CornflowerB Sat 16-Mar-13 17:22:18

'The reason you were able to breastfeed your babies for six months is because I fed you so well as a child'
Yes mum that's how it works hmm hmmhmm
And while we're at it, you are actually supposed to feed your children properly, you don't get a prize for doing it for more or less exactly the same as most other people.
On and on and on about how 'well nourished' we were. You're supposed to feed your kids!!! One day I will actually say it to her face.

akaemmafrost Sat 16-Mar-13 17:23:38

My sister confided in my mum that she'd had a termination. My Mum said "well don't ever tell your Dad, he's catholic and he'd never feel the same about you".

DuchessFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 17:24:33

horrid isn't it greeneyed ? ! thank god for my DH and lovely, lovely kids ! They've saved me really ! plus i know how to NOT be a shit Mum !!

dimsum123 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:30:02

I am still with DH. But if we had split up my parents would definitely have blamed it 100% on me and felt they had been proved right that I was a nasty, rude, lazy, useless, ungrateful, ugly cow.

When DH and I have had problems I have stubbornly refused to ever consider splitting up because I never want my parents to think they were right about me. Luckily DH is lovely so no great hardship to stay together.

akaemmafrost Sat 16-Mar-13 17:30:20

I was in New York once and got talking to a cab driver from Haiti, he told me that he used to play on a football team there but he was the only one left alive from that team after all the troubles there sad. We were just getting out and he said "I have a photo I will show you if ever get in my taxi again". Well that was never going to happen so I called ex back to look at the photo and we sat chatting to him for about 10 minutes about Haiti etc.

Anyway I told my Mum about this about how sad it had been and she said:-

"it was a kind thing to do to get back in the taxi and talk to him like that, you get that from me."

shock

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 17:33:28

Lesser grin

My ex H once said "You will never truly be mine, I will never have your full attention because.....you know, youve got a kid...."

It was my understanding that people with children come as a package.

I divorced him, the selfish drunken twat. angry

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 17:48:09

My all time favourite from my FWEX
'You are eaten up with envy because you only went to a Comprehensive'
grin

My mother has some sad delusion that I was happy at school, when I was horribly bullied. I mean, how can you completely not notice your child is miserable?

About a year ago we were talking about it again and she said " well what did you do to make them bully you? You always were tricky to deal with."

She also cries about my tattoos and asks "how could you do this to me!", as if I had tattooed her instead of myself.

arthriticfingers Sat 16-Mar-13 18:11:52

Sorry - hogging thread blush
but how about this from my toxic mother.
She had come over for DC2's first communion.
The day she came over DC1 was taken into hospital with appendicitis that rapidly deteriorated into bad peritonitis.
We got through those first days with me sleeping at the hospital and organizing the communion lunch etc.
DC1 was seriously ill in hospital throughout.
The day after the lunch, toxic mother says - well
'As I have my flight booked and everything is fine, I'll be off, then'

BertieBotts Sat 16-Mar-13 18:14:56

Mine told his mum recently "But you weren't there for me at all when Bertie left me!"

Oh, how we laughed. I remember being scared to answer the phone to her because she wanted answers which I could not explain to her!

trustissues75 Sat 16-Mar-13 18:15:19

jaw drops open Seriously Arthritic? Wow....I thought my mother was bad...

Hattifattner Sat 16-Mar-13 18:34:27

After announcing pg with DC1 (1st grandchild)

"When?" followed by "Well I hope you dont expect ME to come and look after you?"

After announcing pg with DC2 (2nd grandchild)

"WHy do you only have children in December? You KNOW how expensive it is to travel. Well, we wont be able to come over."

Having been TTC for 2 years, like i had a choice?

TheArmadillo Sat 16-Mar-13 18:57:01

My mother told me that I was not allowed to have any more children as me giving birth was too hard on her.

Then there was the time that I phoned her very shaken after driving my car with ds in the back when something had happened to the accelerator so that it was stuck on full speed, meaning the car was getting faster and faster and the foot break was not slowing it down. I was on a narrow set of backstreets with cars each side of the road. I found somewhere to stop, turned the engine off and managed to stop the car. If any other car had come along I would have hit them at speed. speed. There was no one else I could contact.

I recount this tale to my mother, clearly still upset. Her response 'your sister has been complaining that I spend to much time on your problems' at which point she made her excuses and hung up. It is quite likely my sister said nothing of the kind - my mother lies a lot about supposed comments other people have made.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 16-Mar-13 19:05:12

when after significant progress with a psychiatrist I felt able to tell my mum that I was raped as a child and that I had tried to kill myself last year her response was.
"did you say you are seeing someone about it?"
"yes"
"good, at least I don't have to worry about it then"

never mentioned it again.

fine.. thanks mum

Wow. My mother doesn't sound so bad having read these.

"Luckily" she was dx with dementia before DC were born hmm

Kione Sat 16-Mar-13 19:22:40

gosh I just realized my mum was a narcisistic then... I thought she was just a bitch. But fair play to her after I left home and she got cancer she tried to get in and we ended being ok sad I wish she was around now; but my childhood was atrocious, a bit upsetting to write it down tho but our arguments (renember I was only a child) always had similar phrases ti: "oh what did I do wrong to deserve you" sad

Roseformeplease Sat 16-Mar-13 19:27:58

When neither my Mum, nor any of my sisters came to my boyfriend's funeral (I was 24 and he was, then, the love of my life and had killed himself) my mother's excuse was that I couldn't possibly understand how upset the whole thing had made all of them.

When I was pregnant, and having a very normal and blessedly uneventful pregnancy, my mother told me how sick with worry she was in case anything went wrong. (She had 3 uneventful pregnancies, including twins).

M to my Sister, 'we put all our effort into you'
I said thanks mum
sister to me, 'well you were a real disapointment! you got pregnant and dont work!'

Me thinking, i'm qualified as a nursery nurse, child minder, private nanny and special needs assisant and got into 3 uni's to become a primary teacher! Plus I'm still with ds dad....your not even a hair dresser yet!
Disapointment? I think not! #I think not!!!

sassyandsixty Sat 16-Mar-13 19:37:09

'I would never be able to cope if any of you (3 dds) ever got divorced'

TeacupTempest Sat 16-Mar-13 20:02:20

Several times my brothers had to pull my mother off me or step in to stop her hurting me. When I brought this up recently she said " yes I should have just left the room before your behaviour got that bad".

When telling her about my health condition " shh, stop it. I don't want to hear about it. It just upsets me".

"Good job you met your DH and he got you into sport". I was the captain of my school years netball, hockey, tennis, rounders, gymnastic teams. I played for the year above and only missed out on playing hockey at county level due to injury!

So many more...

buildingmycorestrength Sat 16-Mar-13 20:05:17

Some of these are just so so sad. Hard to see the funny on some of these. sad

I wish being a good parent came naturally to people.

musickeepsmesane Sat 16-Mar-13 20:11:05

sad sad
when I told my mother I was getting married she said "I don't know what he sees in you, he is far too good for you" and when I was giving birth and proud dad-to-be was keeping everyone informed she said to him "I hope you realise she could die having this baby and it will be your fault"!! I also normalised everything said to us in childhood, silver lining - I have done my best to think before I speak! One of my fathers best and there were many was when he saw me in my ivory wedding dress "you have no right to wear that" technically correct as my dc was walking down the aisle with me

lottie63 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:15:13

In the middle of a traumatic and upsetting row... 'Some women look very beautiful when they cry. You look a mess'.

forgetmenots Sat 16-Mar-13 20:55:30

My MIL, to my DH. 'you should know that when people think they can step outside this family, they always get their comeuppance. Look at what happened to your sister. Now, you wouldn't want any of that to happen to you, would you, even if having something bad in your life would do you good and make you understand me more.'

His sister had recently been raped. His F heard this remark and didn't even flinch, proved to me that they are both without feeling.

forgetmenots Sat 16-Mar-13 21:00:44

Btw, I'm not suggesting that's hilarious, but it is ridiculous, and it's helpful to remember just how monstrous and absurd these people are!

FrauMoose Sat 16-Mar-13 21:02:51

This one is actually quite funny (though sad)

Me and my partner announcing to my parents that I was pregnant. I was 37. It would be their first grandchild. I had two brothers, and they had been hoping for a grandchild for at least a year since my older brother had got married.

There was a brief silence. I imagined it would be broken by their saying, 'Congratulations'. Or, 'That's wonderful.' Or 'We're so happy for you.'

Instead my father said, 'Did you have to give a urine sample, then?'

cherrytree63 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:12:02

My charming step DIL, when my DH told her I'd had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, said it was a good thing, because it was her children's inheritance he was spending on his new family. Nature "flipped the bird" at her though, as I was actually expecting twins and the other baby survived.

chubbychipmonk Sat 16-Mar-13 21:12:44

Picture the scene. . . I'm a new mum, DS 3 weeks old, house a riot, had been up every hour on the hour breast feeding since he was born, 4pm in the afternoon, just about managed to get dressed, close to tears with sore boobs, overwhelming hormones & a screaming baby. . .

In a waft of perfume pops in my mum on her way home from work (not a hair out of place) & says:

DM: 'And how are you feeling today?' (And not in a sympathetic manner)

Me: 'oh my God mum, he's been up all night, I can't get anything done, I'm just so tired' (as a big fat tear rolls down my cheek)

DM: ' Hmph, you should try teaching, then you'll know all about being tired!'

. . . Will never forget that moment as long as I live (apologies to any teachers) but seriously!!

chubbychipmonk Sat 16-Mar-13 21:21:08

Oh and another 'classic' from DM:

2 days after having a horrible MC, 'Really it's about time you pulled yourself together. We can't all just sit about crying all day'.

2 fucking days!!?!!!?

nenehooo Sat 16-Mar-13 21:23:28

Wow these stories are so sad... Makes me thankful it was only a toxic friend who eventually cut ME off - the day after my wedding - where she was a bridesmaid.
Think the best from her was phoning me up the day after my hen party to tell me how I'd made her feel like crap and made her cry because I was clearly so much closer to my other friends than I was to her. Really tame compared to lots of stories here, but it was still upsetting...

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sat 16-Mar-13 21:46:35

plus i know how to NOT be a shit Mum !!

Hear hear DuchessFanny, that is exactly how I choose to consider it. I am SO paranoid about turning into her that everything I say/do gets analysed to the Nth degree. Thankfully DH is a kindly soul and tunes out will listen patiently to my ramblings.

It's sad to see so many replies on this. I hope that at least some of the posters here have realised just how ridiculous their parents are (I say parents although I do notice a strong bias towards mothers).

Has anyone seen the daughters of narcissistic mothers site? I've linked to the narcissist dictionary rather than the homepage. It's rather good if you can forgive the big fuck-off banner at the top - very enlightening about this breed of person.

Another story: I remember leafing through a stupid teen girls magazine back when I was a fairly dumb teen girl. There was a tidbit titled 'What does your mouth shape say about YOU?!?' and it described different personalities for big/small/square etc mouths. I distinctly remember sitting there and thinking 'Well M said I have a big mouth, but she also said once that I've got a nasty mean small mouth. They can't both be true, so which of these is me?' I wasn't even hurt by the memory of her remarks, just genuinely puzzled as to how they could both be true (because obv everything she said was dogma). I think I did eventually go and look in a mirror but it took a while for me to realise that was an option.... hmm

mangohedgehog Sat 16-Mar-13 21:47:31

Many wonderful lines from DM, but my favourite is probably: 'It is my dearest wish that when you and DH get to my and SD's age, you will want to be JUST LIKE US!'

Oxtailchambermaid Sat 16-Mar-13 22:18:33

On telling my DPs that I was pregnant with twins, one of the first questions my DM asked me was: "Did you get the cats as child substitutes then?"

We'd got 2 cats in the November and got pregnant the following January.

limon Sat 16-Mar-13 22:45:57

"I'd have had ten children with you" - parting shot when I finally left after 15 years of refusing to even talk about it.

I then went on to have a baby at 43 with my lovely new (not fucked up) partner and now husband.

OrWellyAnn Sun 17-Mar-13 00:46:44

'You were always needy, always wanted more time from me, even when you were a tiny baby'

hmm

trustissues75 Sun 17-Mar-13 08:07:54

"Have you taken your medication today?"

FWexH in the middle of my trying to talk to him about something that he had done fir the nth time - I was on a cocktail of drugs at thetime for a bi-polar misdiagnosis - oh, he was so keen to keep me compliant with the Drs orders....

LadyWoo Sun 17-Mar-13 08:42:38

Wow my mother has said so many of these things on here to me!

All the 'What on earth can I have done to deserve a child like you?'

'You make me wonder where on earth I went wrong'

'One day I will die of a heart attack and it will be all your fault for being the way you are'

She also does the tears, and the tantrums if I disagree with her, and says I'm attacking her. Once I laughed at a photo of my haircut as a child and she went bonkers, crying and saying that I'd said she was a terrible mother.

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Mar-13 08:56:54

One of my mother's favourites if I had ever done something praised by anyone, or been invited anywhere ...
'Well, of course, if people knew what you were really like, no one would like you at all.'

LadyWoo Sun 17-Mar-13 09:03:08

arthritic that is exactly what my mother used to say too. She also used to sulk if I went round to anyone else's house, and if I ever said anyone else's mum/dad/brother/sister were nice she'd say 'Well if they're that nice why don't you pack your bags and go and live with them, as they're so perfect'

I once went away with a friend and her family for 3 days......my mother didn't speak to me for 2 weeks when I got home!

Tubegirl Sun 17-Mar-13 09:27:53

At 27 I fell pregnant unexpectedly, but I was happy about it. I told my father who insisted on driving me to my mother's house and then sat there telling me I should terminate because he hadn't been aware of my relationship and the bloke was clearly bad person etc. i said no, he ranted and raved as he drove me back (chain smoking whilst I was feeling very sick with ms) telling me my child was going to be a bastard, and no grandchild of his and how could I do this to him because he wasn't resdy to be a grandfather. I suffered a mmc and found out at my scan which was devastating. Dad rang me and offered to come and see me (after not speaking to me for over a month) but when I said my (very supportive) partner was with me he went ape and started ranting about what a bastard he was and insisting that he left the house before he visited. I said no, obviously. He then calmed (or so I thought) and ff a year to my wedding day. He caused a scene, refused to smile all day, wouldn't make a speech or toast or dance with me. My step dad offered to dance with me at which point he then tried to punch my step dad. I challenged him along with my husband. He stood there yelling at my husband asking him what his intentions were because he didn't want him ruining my life. Apparently blissfully unaware he had ruined my wedding day. I couldn't look at photos for years afterwards. I then went to my sisters wedding where he behaved as perfect parent. It was very painful.

AnitaManeater Sun 17-Mar-13 09:36:09

I rang my mum to tell her that I was pregnant. I was 19 and terrified and to be fair, no position to be having a child. Halfway through the conversation with me sobbing my heart out, she hung the phone up telling me that the Avon Lady was at the door, I was told not to contact her again and I didn't hear from her again for another 3 months.

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Mar-13 09:36:10

Tube sad

RocherChoc Sun 17-Mar-13 09:42:34

My then 6 year old son was whacked in the face with a cricket bat and needed to go to A&E. I call my mum in shock and panic and she says ...

"oh, does this mean you're not taking me shopping this afternoon? because I could get a taxi I suppose but it's a bit of a faff"

When my father died I was 11 years old and crying one night - my mum said

"oh for gods sake, I know he was your dad but he was my husband (they'd been divorced for years!!) and I knew him longer than you did" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

When she had my little half sister, I was 13 and struggling with the whole thing (my dad had only been gone a few months and she was having someone elses baby) but I tried to do the right thing and bought the baby a new outfit - I took it to the hospital and my mum said ...

"oh, have you got anything for me or is it all for the baby??" shock

Said baby was later diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, was getting horribly bullied at school and was basically falling apart. My mum stated -

"this is all so unfair on ME, nobody ever thinks about how it affects ME. I'm not sure I can cope with it, why did I have to have a kid with problems, why not someone else?"

She never fails to amaze me.

RocherChoc Sun 17-Mar-13 09:43:59

I had a narc ex too who used to come out with some gems -

"I get stomach pains because of what you feed me"

When I broke up with him he said "this is so unfair, don't I get a say in this?" errr no, not really twat face!

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Mar-13 09:44:23

Rocher Again, I don't whether to laugh or cry!

Tubegirl Sun 17-Mar-13 09:57:11

These are awful aren't they! Me and my sister have both had therapy because of my dad. I find it comforting that we are not the only ones, and to find that others sit there worrying about their own parenting, desperate not to make history repeat itself.

shock sad to all of these.

M said exactly the same things as lots of people here. Did they read a script?

RocherChoc Sun 17-Mar-13 10:13:02

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to go for counselling. I'm starting to realise (since studying psychology especially) that I'm messed up predominantly because of my childhood and I can't ignore it and make myself better by pretending it didn't effect me.

HoobleDooble Sun 17-Mar-13 10:14:20

My DM was very put out when she phoned to tell me my cousin's gf had their baby 2 days after I came out of hospital after having a mc. I had to cut her off mid-sentence to say I was happy for them, but didn't feel up to discussing sex, weight and time details at that time. Apparently I was "selfish" and "trying to put a dampener on it".

This was only topped by my DF who phoned a few days after this, they'd had a bit of a mishap and wnted me to nip to B&Q, then pop something round to their house (they don't drive, so am used to being on call!). I was greeted at the door by him with the words "Are you over all that stuff now?". Why yes, because it's been a week!!!!

Lavenderhoney Sun 17-Mar-13 10:17:03

"It's your fault I smoke, you never slept as a baby and the stress made me start"

" if (any bf) knew what you were really like, they would dump you"

On being told the news of another dgc on the way, and me happily married " is that a good thing?"

" you make me nervous, you never do as you are told and I know best" AHA!!!

"No point paying for driving lessons for you, you're useless and will never pass. You won't ever make anything of yourself"

One Christmas, I stayed overnight and bought wine. " we don't drink and we have no corkscrew or glasses, so you can have tea" said triumphantly. Me, breezily," it's ok, bought my own corkscrew and give me a mug!"

They are grimly funny, if you have the black humour necessary to survive in my family. And of course left home as soon as legally allowed and have always lived far far far away, preferably a LONG flight.

trustissues75 Sun 17-Mar-13 10:17:54

Iwish - a lot of it is frighteningly similar isn't it?

I wonder if they have a sort of worldwide club - kind of like the Freemasons mayber - complete with rituals, secret handshakes, and support for rthering their own personal goals?

Maybe it's called "The good old narcs' club"....

grin gringrin grin shock grin

Oh all of you flowers

Just remember that we have survived these people, we are not better, stronger or anything else because of them no matter what their bloody twisted thinking may be

And my contribution (from the many to choose from)
I had tried to get pregnant for 15 years before conceiving and actually carrying a baby to term.
Before this point I was told, on several occasions, when I got upset about yet another friend or relative popping one out 'its for the best, you wouldn't make a good parent, you do too many other things'
While pregnant I wasn't allowed to ask questions or talk about how I was feeling as it made her feel ill and she had such severe sympathy pains (I had to have a cvs as the nt score was. 2:1 downs and her only response to that was that I had to do the decent thing and get rid of it as she wouldn't be able to cope with another disabled child in the family)
Dd is not a downs cherub, but it would have made no difference to us if she was

Contact is minimal ever since she told 3 ur old dd that she mustn't eat something or she will end up fat like mummy (I'm a 16, she is a 22)

akaemmafrost Sun 17-Mar-13 10:53:10

Lavender "is that a good thing?" was exactly what my Mum said when I told her was pregnant with dd. Considering that only the week before I had been telling her we'd been trying for a year and I was a little worried, I cannot fathom why she said it.

Also when I got married she said "I suppose you'll be doing the babies thing now then?". And she wasn't happy about either. Considering I was only thirty it was surely always going to be a possibility?

Sorry, failed on the funny
Try this
'I didn't breast feed you because of what lambs do to ewes, it looks so bruising and painful I just couldn't do it'
Of course mum, lamb twins on a ewe is exactly like a new born daughter
[hmmm]

ChocolateHelps Sun 17-Mar-13 11:03:03

DM "don't you dare make me a f***ing grandmother" in the pub showing her wedding pics after honeymoon. I was 29. When did have DD2 at 32 I asked if she was a young grandmother "no cos it took you so long to have kids". All my life she told me "don't have kids they'll ruin your life"

All our family have called grandmothers Nan. My Nan is still alive and is called Great Nanny by my 2. My DD1 was born and DM signed card as Nanny (spelt name wrong tho, chose to abbreviate it oddly). Nanny was totally normal for her to be called. My brother has son 2yrs later and I find out at a family do that his 'Grandma' has bought him a cute top. Who is Grandma I ask as DSin law mum is dead. "Oh your mum wants to be Grandma". I left it too long to bring it up, fumed for a few months but none of my business apparently

So now at family gatherings my 2 call her Nanny & my brothers son calls her Grandma

Complete elephant in the room and so infuriating!!

Ipp3 Sun 17-Mar-13 11:09:36

My dad, upon meeting my fiancé for the first time, Basically told him what a shit, difficult and horrible person I am, unlike my brother who is absolutely charming (he always said if I got married he would warn the person what I was really like so he could change his mind). When I called my dad later to tell him how much that hurt and how, because I loved him, he could hurt me, he said, in a tone of absolute contempt, 'have you stopped your chattering?' when I said that whenever I try to talk him he always dismisses me with contempt, he exclaimed, 'I do not! I do not treat you with contempt or dismiss you.'. He then refused to come to my wedding rather than not put me down in front of the guests.

He went to his grave claiming not to understand What had gone wrong in our relationship. (hint: you continually told me and everyone else how shit you thought I was).

hi all, I've been following/posting on a thread very similar to this called ' some thoughts about 'toxic' people.

A lot of whats been on here is on there. I agree there must be narks club out there too sad

It's scary that there are a lot of them about. It's like there is something missing in their brain, you know, the bit that goes, 'its my fault that such and such happened, I am responsible for the well being and happiness of my family/friends/colleagues '.

Am I talking twaddle?

kalidanger Sun 17-Mar-13 11:22:03

My DBs XW asked him if he'd 'finished sulking' the day our DF died sad

sashh Sun 17-Mar-13 11:22:52

DM"I was so upset when you had to go into hospital"

You came down from your nap at 12.30pm, I asked you to call a Dr.

You spent the next few hours telling me to take a paracetamol and go to bed. I was in too much pain, otherwise I would have called the Dr myself.

Dad came home about 5.30pm and for the first and only time went against my mother and called the DR.

The Dr took one look at me, asked for the phone and called an ambulance.

The ambulance crew took one look at me and remarked on how green I was.

I was jaundiced FFS - and you wanted me to go to bed.

I actually thought I was going to die that night.

A couple of years ago I bought my dad a mobile phone for his birthday.

DM "Oh is that a new phone for me so your dad can have my old one?"

LadyWoo

I've had the, "well if they are so perfect............"

When I got pregnant with ds1 my mum booked me into an abortion clinic as she couldn't be a granny so young. I went to the interview to appease her and when she realised that hadn't worked she offered to buy me a car, flat and holiday in exchange. I was 19 so not shockingly young.

She then went on to ignore ds1 for 4yrs because she couldn't cope. sad

When I got pregnant with dd 7yrs later she said that she was pleased as she was ready to become a granny by then.
Oh well that's alright then mother!

meddie Sun 17-Mar-13 12:09:50

In hospital following a miscarriage at 14 weeks complicated by the fact that when they did the d&c they tore my uterus, so I ended up having an open operation to repair it. My father came to visit and said. "Your mother can't come to visit, she is too upset. you do realise it was her birthday today and she was devastated that you had not posted a card or sent flowers".

When my daughters boyfriend of 2 years cheated on her with her best friend. So a double whammy of hurt. She refused to let my daughter visit because , "Did I realise how upsetting it was to have someone in the house crying and heartbroken".

Sadly she's getting worse since my dad died as she has lost her enabler, but fortunately our family communicate so she is unable to manipulate any of us as we have set boundaries together.

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 12:42:54

You're right crushedintherush - there is a lot of overlap. I've been following that thread too and thought it might be good to try and start one where we can attempt to laugh at rather than cry over these horrible pathetic people. Discussing it and acknowledging that it's not you but them is a good start though smile

Ladywoo - my M used to still does get SO jealous if I speak warmly of anyone else in our family or my DH's. She got angry when I wanted to visit her sister (3 minutes up the road) for heaven's sake!! I have a tactic for it now though. If any family member comes up in conversation then I say one mildly negative thing about them up-front. This appears to satisfy her that I can't possibly like them more hmm isn't that just ridiculously petty?

Seeing all these stories together makes me realise that the 'No contact' policy many families adopt is really the only way forward sometimes!

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 12:48:43

This one is relatively amusing. My M is a history teacher and quite a good one at that (I've been in her class - complete personality change with other kids but let's leave that for now). When I passed my GCEs and started my all-science A-levels my M got properly oversensitive every time and there were many she turned out to be wrong. She kept saying "Oh you think you're so CLEVER because you're doing science." No, I think I'm cleverer than you but that's about it Mother! Talk about inferiority complexes....

buildingmycorestrength Sun 17-Mar-13 12:56:59

Did anyone see the AIBU thread a couple of weeks ago where the narc sister claimed that her legs gave way beneath her when told she would be called back after dinner because they were eating?

Now that made me laugh. Proper belly laugh at the crazy melodrama. Loved it. Tho' horrid for the OP, obv...blush

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Mar-13 12:58:29

In a horrible way, these stories are making me laugh.
What does that say?

buildingmycorestrength Sun 17-Mar-13 13:01:25

That the narcs are losing their power over you! Tiny, tiny sad people.

LadyWoo Sun 17-Mar-13 13:04:09

Herrena my mum is the same if I talk about family members. She slags my nan (who is lovely) off a lot, and if I say I've seen my nan or say anything nice about my nan she gets really stroppy about it. So annoying. I really hate it when she does it as my nan is great, and never says a bad word about anyone, but my mum seems to have it in for her.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 17-Mar-13 13:27:40

I struggle to see my family as narcs, they are lovely, friendly pillars of the community to everyone else. But to me... The more I think about it, they all seem to be narcs and enablers!

I was 21, and had just been dumped by my fiance. I was devastated, obviously. DM told me I wasn't allowed to talk to DSis about any of it because she was so so upset (she worked for the company who had been booked to do the photos and was embarrassed at having to cancel them).

I was about 23/24, DF taking me to train station after a visit (I had inexplicably! moved about 350 miles away). Said that I needed to think about my weight (I was size 16, maybe), because did I realise how upset my mum was getting about it, she was worried about my health. I cried all the way home on the train. (There were other weight-related remarks, including when I was being fitted for my sister's bridesmaid dress and DM presumptuously telling the fitter how I'd be losing weight for the event.)

I was about 24/25, parents were down visiting, we went to a friend's BBQ and I got quite tiddly paralytic. I know that's not good, but I was utterly, utterly miserable with my life and myself. My DM decided I'd shamed her and wouldn't speak to me all the next day. We had a day out, lunch, she just blanked everything I said and didn't speak all day. I was just bemused.

I've seen a few familiar names on here, telling some really sad stories. sad

sorry herrena, didn't mean to detract from what you were trying to do, been reading far too many toxic posts methinksgrin

When I was little, I was in hospital a lot. She said:

'I had to walk half a mile every day just to visit you/take you to and from hospital, it was very inconvenient, I'll tell you'shock

'I fed you and clothed you, what more do you want?'shock Er, love, maybe, or was I pushing it?

LadyWoo Sun 17-Mar-13 13:40:48

crushedintherush, I get the 'I fed you, clothed you and kept you neat and tidy' thing too.

My mother is so, so quick to take offence at everything. We had a family meal a couple of years ago and my teenage DD said something about something my mum was going to do would be embarrassing for her and I said jokingly 'Oh yes nanny, don't embarrass DD1'. My mum immediately started crying, shouting, getting hysterical saying she was never going to speak to any of the grandchildren again! This was in a Brewers Fayre restaurant!

Then another time we all went on holiday together; my parents, my sister, her DH and kids, and me with my DH and kids. On two separate evenings my mum just sat there in the bar crying. We were all just sat around a table in the hotel's bar watching the entertainment and she just sat there crying. None of us asked her what the matter was. TBH I didn't much care. I used to get smacked as a child if I cried, so I fail to muster any sympathy for her mood swings

notfluffy Sun 17-Mar-13 13:57:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I got smacked for crying too, I wouldn't mind, but..who made me cry in the first place?
I remember crying.....a lot. So did she, but they were tears of self pity. Mine was through being thoroughly miserable.

My dh and I moved away from the same village as her, about 5 miles away. (some people would say it wasn't far enough, but I know she is too lazy to visit us and expects us to come down to hers.)

She moaned once that they were never invited to our house, but when dad bought a car, I called her on it and she found every excuse not to visit. She has since made him sell the car..

the crying part was in response to ladywoo, by the way smile

Jojobump1986 Sun 17-Mar-13 14:01:52

My dad, re: teasing & mocking me at every opportunity - "It's for your own good. If you can't take it from me, how will you cope when other people do it?!" Note when, not if. hmm I don't know, perhaps by having a loving, supportive family? No?!

Mum, when I commented that I always have to phone her to find out important information:
"You don't answer your phone." I didn't used to but have done for the last 2 years since getting caller ID. She'd know this if she ever rang.
"Don't you think I've got enough to worry about without having to make sure you're not offended?!" Yet my siblings knew.

She seems to think that I should just know when something important is happening & call for details. My siblings get told a lot more than me because they live close to her & pop round regularly. I probably wouldn't know that my grandmother has cancer if I hadn't called for a little while. Her main argument is that she sees what I put on facebook & therefore 'knows' what's happening in my life so doesn't need to call. hmm I won't be putting on facebook that I thought I was going into premature labour last night & nearly went to the hospital because I was in so much pain. Somehow it'll be my fault she didn't know that if I don't call to tell her though!

<Therapeutic>

Seriouslysleepdeprived Sun 17-Mar-13 14:03:04

I have coeliac disease and my M would give me gluten on purpose.

She didn't believe it's an auto immune disorder and thought it was me 'just being difficult'.

F when I asked him to stop speaking to me in an abusive way 'I'll talk to you however I like. I'm your father.'

When I called the following day to reiterate it wasn't acceptable, he hung on ME!

'you are lucky to have met dh, none of us thought it would happen given the way you are'.

LadyWoo Sun 17-Mar-13 14:06:25

crushedintherush, the smacking for crying is just awful isn't it? And like you say, who made us cry in the first place? Even now my mother gets annoyed with me if I am every upset or ill.

My mum used to shut herself in her bedroom on Sundays sometimes and cry for hours. I'd be able to hear her and it used to scare me. Then she'd say 'Look what you've driven me to'

I've been having counselling for a couple of years and my counsellor and I have come to the conclusion that my mum is 100% convinced that it's me with the problem; I was an awkward baby for crying, an awkward nasty toddler for having tantrums, a jealous toddler for finding the arrival of my sister difficult, a difficult child and a difficult teen. When in actual fact it was my mother that couldn't cope with a totally normal child. We've come to the conclusion too that she would never ever acknowledge that she played any part in how things were. As far as she is concerned she fed me, she took me to school, she clothed me. What more do I want?!!

LadyWoo Sun 17-Mar-13 14:10:29

Seriouslysleepdeprived, my parents used to call me all kinds of names and once when I tackled this my dad said to me 'Mum can call you anything she wants, and say whatever she wants to you. And there is nothing that you will ever be able to do about it'

jojobump re: the mocking/teasing. He obviously thought he was doing you a HUGE favour telling you that sad

ponygirlcurtis Sun 17-Mar-13 14:24:12

My DF, in his speech at my DSis's wedding (at which I was the aforementioned 'fat bridesmaid') - 'Normally it is the older sister who gets married first. Not here though...' No reason to say that, it wasn't leading into any story or anything. He was just pointing it out to the 200 guests. I was mortified.

My DM, on taking me to the hospital to have my leg stitched after I fell at school (aged 11). 'You mustn't cry because this is where I work [she was a nurse] and you'll embarrass me.' (or words to that effect). Then she refused to let me hold my fluffy owl while I was lying getting stitched, she sat clutching it on the other side of the room. That was nearly 30 years ago and I can still remember the whole thing in perfect detail, down to what the owl looked like, and the 'sucking a lemon' look on DM's face while I was lying there, pleading with my eyes for her to give me the owl or come over and hold my hand or something. (The owl had a mortar board, btw!)

Sorry, I know my parents are really not in the same league as some of the awful things being done and said on here, but it's quite cathartic to write it all down!

roughtyping Sun 17-Mar-13 14:25:27

Yuck, so many familiar stories.

I also have the 'should know when to phone' thing. My mum phoned on a Sunday to say my cousin had died - 'don't ask what happened because I DON'T KNOW' and hung up - the next week I asked where he had been when he died and she ranted and raved at me about how I hadn't phoned to find out, EVERYONE else knows, I'm just too lazy etc. I didn't want to bother her when she was upset.. Argh.

Have also been told just to accept the way my mum is and 'try to get along with her, don't cause arguments.'

Actually a bit upset now. Mine is nowhere near as horrible as some of these are but she's dented my confidence, I second guess everything I do and tie myself in knots and make myself ill wondering of everything will 'measure up'.

I've remembered another.

At 17 I went to school in the city centre. They rang my mum one day as I was ill. She took me to the dr complaining the whole way about how they wouldn't let me get the bus and didn't they know how hard it was to drive into the city centre.

It turns out I had thrush and after quizzing the gp she said she didn't care what the gp said, she knew it was a STI and I was just a slag. She kept to this until ds1 got it in his mouth aged 3 following antibiotics.

Also I got a love bite on my neck on holiday. She screamed at me in a market and called me a whore. My df just stood there.

we have caller display on ours, that way its us in control, whether to answer the phone OR NOT!!

I second guess myself too, roughty.

My mum is ok at the moment, asking how dh is ( under chemo at the moment) so I've been ok with her. 'See, mum, if you're nice to me, then I'm nice to you'. Easy as ABC, isn't it?

cappuccinodays Sun 17-Mar-13 14:36:01

abusive ex when i was having suspected miscarriage, turned up unannounced to "make sure it was happening" :-(

Sparklyboots Sun 17-Mar-13 14:36:17

Mine have both done some horrible stuff inc. recently 'cutting me out' (DF) for asking him not to drink in front of DS, followed by some hilarious 'It's okay, we've worked it out' from DM, meaning, he'd stopped ranting at her (I'm still cut out). But truly funny one a few years ago, when I'd left then DP after 8 yrs and moved and got a new kettle (amongst other stuff) DM getting upset and teary because I'd clearly bought said kettle (6 mo previously - she 'hadn't had time' to come and see me' during the previous, devastating 6mo) 'to make her look stupid'. (She couldn't find the on button and kept opening it by accident). I was laughing by that stage, but not at her stupidity.

I've never told anyone thus stuff before and while I'm sorry you've had such hard times, it's been good to realise it's not just my mum. Thank you.

same here, theonewithhair, I think we're all thinking the same thing. It validates ussmile

deste Sun 17-Mar-13 15:06:56

My boss, when are coming back to work to make up for the time lost? My DM was buried the day before. When i said i wasnt going to she said,well someone will have to do it. She was worried they wouldn't win the prize for some promotion or other.

JadeMonkey Sun 17-Mar-13 15:15:57

I've also had "I can say whatever I like" from DM many times; she also claims that I'm the one being unreasonable when I call her out about constantly criticising me, my parenting and basically how I do everything - apparently even though she'd never speak to any of her friends like that, it is perfectly fine to berate me because "a parent and child relationship is like that". Thanks DM, you teach me so much... hmm

Absurd tale: approx 2 years after my marriage broke down, in the middle of an argument with her about something entirely unrelated, she spits out "I just don't know what's wrong with you, jademonkey - you split up with your husband and don't tell me anything about what happened, you only talk to your friends ..."

(Err could it maybe possibly be because you think it's completely fine to bring up painful things that have happened to me, years later, during an argument?)

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 17-Mar-13 15:17:35

My mother when I was trying on my wedding dress said "It doesn't matter what you wear, everyone always says the bride looks lovely whether she does or not. More to the point, what am I going to wear?"

The shop assistant was like this: shock

When my father died: "I don't know what you're so upset for, he was only your father, he was my husband."

RivalSibling Sun 17-Mar-13 15:28:41

When I was about 18 I organised an unpaid work placement for myself while I waited to go to university. I was so proud of myself - being shy and lacking self-confidence - as I had no experience to offer.

My mum said that its people like me that keep people with families to feed out of work.

Nishky Sun 17-Mar-13 15:29:24

Don't walk like that on your wedding day, you look like a ruptured duck. At my final dress fitting in front of the assistant and my bridesmaids.

The sad thing is I am so used to it I did not react. DM went off in a separate car, as soon as bridesmaid 1 and I got in my car she said ''I can't believe what she said'

No sooner were the words out then bridesmaid 2 rang from her car to say the same.

How sad is it that I was so used to it that it just didn't register sad

akaemmafrost Sun 17-Mar-13 15:29:36

Oh and the cherry on the cake. She read my diary when I was 16 then called me the most awful disgusting names because of the things she read about boys at school in there (I was 16 Ffs!) then she took me to the doctors and made me go on the pill. She refused to leave the appointment and sat there with a hurt and horrified look on her face, it was utterly humiliating. Then she spoke to the doctor alone after and told me that the doctor had agreed with her about me (aforementioned awful names).

She kept the diary hidden and told me she would read it on my wedding day to all the guests shock. I was terrified. I found it in a cupboard when I was 18 and in panic threw it in the bin. MY diary with all MY memories in it. I told her I had done this about 6 months later and she was angry furious. I honestly believe she was going to hold that diary over me for the rest of my life.

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 15:30:09

You haven't detracted from anything crushed, please don't think you have!! There are just so many of these stories. I hope that the sheer weight of numbers will help to convince us all that we're not the problem!

jademonkey I completely agree with your last sentence about repeating past issues - I noticed my M doing this to me when I was about 12 and so I just clammed up overnight. She still complains that I don't tell her anything. Funny, that!

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 15:33:32

I've read that one common thing narcissist mothers do is to consider their children as extensions of themselves. Maybe that explains why my M begged to be allowed to try on my wedding dress?

That is a bit odd, right?

Nishky Sun 17-Mar-13 15:37:13

That is extremely odd shock

I agree about the extension thing- my mum would instruct me not to do things because 'I don't want MY DAUGHTER doing x'

My mother to me when I was pregnant years ago 'get rid of it. You won't love it.'

My father re that pregnancy 'We won't help you look after it. You'll end up unemployed and on the dole.'

I did have a termination as they frightened me so much sad sad sad sad and have regretted it to this day. He would have been 19 on August 16th.

My mother in a letter to me when I was trying to go NC 'I was as beautiful as you once and I never blamed my parents for anything' hmm

My mother when I was heartbroken after being treated abysmally by an ex shithead (now rather famous whom the media has exposed as a proven shithead): 'It takes two to tango.'

My father when my ex asked him for my hand in marriage: 'She's a handful you know'.

My father when ex had fucked off 'No wonder your husband left you'

Needless to say, I have gone no contact now.

tb Sun 17-Mar-13 16:12:16

Christmas Day 1991 about 6 weeks before we sold our house and went to live with 'd'm to help her out financially

" You're trying to push your guilt on to me" when I told her I'd had counselling to help deal with all the sexual abuse I'd suffered at the hands of her friends - she sent me there. Should have read the writing on the wall and let the sale 'fall through' grin

Some 4 months later, when we were living with her, when I mentioned the man she'd left me with when we were in Tucson who indecently assaulted me, and who she invited to stay with us when I was 12 knowing he'd done so - but he was going to be parking a brand new Merc outside the house for 2 weeks in 1968 - so that came before protecting her daughter.
"Well, the only person I feel sorry for in all this is Ginnie" - the bastard's wife.

And, yes, he tried it on again and I had to fight him off.

And I'm bloody angry with myself because I never had the balls to report her to the police, and so she didn't end her days slopping out in Styal, but in comfort in a plush nursing home, with everyone feeling sorry for her 'cos she had such a horrid daughter.

Still, apparently she left £5000 to a Bosnian orphan she adopted, so at least someone benefited - I got her manky old hearing aid.

tb Sun 17-Mar-13 16:14:21

Herren mine considered taking up weight-training when she was 73 because I was doing it. That would have been an interesting sight - 5'1" and shrinking trying to do pull-downs with 70lb.

MooMooSkit Sun 17-Mar-13 16:24:59

I was induced at 12pm as i found out that day i had pre eclamspia and my ex mil arrived at the hospital same time (i never ever agreed for her being birthing partner btw, infact she drove me nuts and i moved out from here as she kept calling the baby hers) had a bad birth, lost 2l of blood with a ventouse and episitomy and had to go straight to hdu with drips everywhere as i was weak and couldn't move on my own.

Needless to say at 8pm when i got down there i didn't want any visiters not even my own parents so told my ex to tell her to go home and i'd do visits tomorrow. She burst in anyway and i told her to go home..

When i saw her next when i was better she said "how dare i send her to go home, I'M his nan and i am just as important as you!!"

then to make it worse my sil came over and had a go at me to saying i had no right sending her mum home and didn't i understand it was her first grandchild?! (It was MY first child)

we are divorced now.

herrena, yes, very odd (I take great delight in knowing my mum would never have GOT into my wedding dress because it wouldn't fit anywhere NEAR), and also agree with the extension part. I wonder if they see lost opportunities of their youth, kind of thing, when they look at us, or just an age thing?

tb, thats just awful, and I don't mean the manky old hearing aid either.

She sounds like my dh's nana, who ended up in a home, and got her friends to have a go at her daughter (mil), because she didn't offer to let her live at their house. Nothing to do with the fact that mil's house is up a steep flight of steps and nana was becoming increasingly immobile, hence the reason nana going into a home in the first place.

Kione Sun 17-Mar-13 16:43:43

At least something good comes out of all this... in my case I remember every single nasty remark; my DD is 3.4 and I live praising her when she does sinerhing right/goid, love watching her face gleam when I do grin its just what I would have liked... I also apologise if I loose my temper and she says "its ok, mummy" blush I so ENJOY giving her love after the childhood I had

DrSeuss Sun 17-Mar-13 16:52:29

This thread makes me simultaneously comforted and sad. Comforted to think that I am not alone, sad because I never knew there were so many versions of my mother out there hurting so many of you.

My faves from DM include, at my father's bedside in the ICU, "I don't know what you're crying about, you have MrDrSeuss." and, on hearing that I had just had DS in 7.5 hours with no intervention and that he was of moderate size, "I beat you!". Yes, Mother, 19 hours and a pile of stitches to produce my useless brother, such a victory! On actually seeing DS for the first time, her first words were, "oh, he's a baldy"!
Bear in mind those were her nicer utterances....

roughtyping Sun 17-Mar-13 16:55:00

I'm getting married in August and my mum and sisters are becoming ever more unbearable. I'm not close to my sisters but they assumed they were bridesmaids 'or I won't come to the wedding' (both said that seperately!). One can barely even look at me and it strains her to answer questions I ask, I can't hold a conversation with her. One of them begged to be allowed to organise the hen do - I'm quite laid back about it and willing to do whatever - told them what id like to do and how many I'd like to come. Had stupidly been wondering what they organised, would it be a really nice surprise etc. my mum phoned yest morning and started screaming at me that I'd my organised anything, I'm making this all so hard for everyone, why can't I just tell them what I want, her favourite line 'we need to have a meeting to talk about this' etc, then hung up on me. so they're coming over tonight - I generally keep them out of my house so it's 'safe'. Dreading it.

I'm not allowed to not answer phone as well.

If I organise anything without consulting them I'm beig rude and selfish.

Despite none of them ever wanting to do anything wedding related I am still expected to ask them about everything and invite to wedding fairs etc.

I get the hurt looks, bewildered talks about 'how can I be like this after all they've done for me' (I had DD at 17 and lived wit them until he was 2 and I couldn't stand it anymore).

In my head I know it's not my fault and they're being UR but I just break every time they do something, make me feel like a naughty child. Think we're going to move soon (and it will be awful that we do - 'you depend on us for so much' etc - er no you take DS to school 2 days a week when DP is on shift, we both work FT in professional jobs and are CAPABLE ADULTS)

recall Sun 17-Mar-13 17:01:00

A bit more light hearted.

My ex friend ( Narcissist ) once described her family as people like us.

I asked her what she meant, and she said "well, you know…posh"

I said that I never thought of her as posh, and that she just sounded Northern, and she said that put on her regional accent when she was with me, to make me feel better grin grin grin

roughtyping Sun 17-Mar-13 17:07:31

Sorry I'm just moaning - not funny stories at all!

Betrayedbutsurvived Sun 17-Mar-13 18:25:49

I had my daughter when I was 17, six years later, I was married to a decent hard working bloke, ( not DDs father) we've since divorced, but at the time, we were happy. I mentioned that I'd been sick a couple of times over the weekend.

DM "oh god, you're not pregnant are you"
Me"what's wrong with being pregnant, I'm a happily married 23 year old"
DM (theatrical sigh) " yes I suppose it's not my problem now"

For the record it wasn't "her problem" when I had my daughter at 17 since I'd already moved out and she had made it clear that she didn't do babies, I wasn't even allowed to take DD visit until she was 3!

DF on hearing that my partner (DDs father, not the husband mentioned above) had beaten me up so badly when i left him that I was in hospital "serves you bloody right" and "you'll end up with six kids by six different fathers now"

Yes to the phone. If I don't answer I get mobile and land line calls. Then she'll leave messages in a sad voice. "Hi Hair, I've tried to ring you but your obviously too busy to talk to me. "

Thing is sometimes I am too busy to talk to anyone there and then. Only she takes it as a personal slight. Anyone else would say that with two jobs and three dcs that I'm obviously going to be unavailable sometimes.

These are awful. sad

buildingmycorestrength Sun 17-Mar-13 18:50:19

Ruptured duck! Oh my actual Lord above, how do they do it.

DameFanny Sun 17-Mar-13 19:11:05

Rough typing - why not just elope? You know you're never going to make them happy don't you? You don't need to keep trying...

Easier said than done I know - doesn't mean you can't?

JadeMonkey Sun 17-Mar-13 19:14:43

Herrena yes, I have been keeping detail about my life to a minimum with my mother since my late teens when I worked out that was a favourite tactic of hers! Sometimes still slip up if I've been lulled into a false sense of security and could just kick myself as I know she's going to hurl it back in my face at the next opportunity.

The extension thing rings true here as well: a lot of her criticisms and annoyances with me revolve around anything I do - anything - that is different to the way she did/would do. This ranges from things as trivial as how I arrange my cutlery drawer (!), to career choice, to taste in music/film/tv: any deviation from her way/taste apparently warrants a full-on telling-off. I am in my late 30s, you'd think she'd be used to the "disappointment" by now....

Flugelpip Sun 17-Mar-13 21:04:02

My DM maintains to this day I said I was disappointed when I found out DS1 was a boy (first child, first grandchild for her). She told everyone this - friends, family. In fact it was HER face that fell. Her response to the news was: 'But I don't know anything about boys!' She then refused to answer any questions about babies, my childhood etc when he was born as 'he is so different.'

When I was pregnant with DS2 I wanted to tell my aunt (her sister) at a big family occasion although I was very early on and wasn't telling anyone. Stupidly I mentioned this to DM. DM told everyone there behind my back, then said she assumed I was telling everyone since I'd told my aunt. So embarrassing as I had lots of weird conversations with people who were realising they shouldn't have been told, as I said vague things about wanting another child some time.

Her best line ever: 'I wanted my daughters to marry men who'd fallen in love with me and settled for them.' She has been disappointed in that, obviously.

buildingmycorestrength Sun 17-Mar-13 21:09:02

And my vote for the winner goes to...FlugelPip!

Flugelpip Sun 17-Mar-13 21:12:44

So proud, building. So proud.

I have more. She's gifted me with a lifetime's supply of these.

buildingmycorestrength Sun 17-Mar-13 21:22:06

Please share, FlugelPip! I am flabbergasted.

Honestly, some great material here...we should develop something like the Narcissists' Monologues or something out of this. You couldn't make it up.

And all those years, all that pain, it must be good for something, right?

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 21:23:33

shock Bloody hell Flugelpip. I think you do win.

<ponders over what sort of awards ceremony we should have>

roughtyping Sun 17-Mar-13 21:35:09

fluglepip shock that's bizarre!!

damefanny part of me would really like to, but i also want to have a big party with my friends and let my family see that, yes, really, there ARE people that love me and think i'm a good, decent, funny, interesting person.

amistillsexy Sun 17-Mar-13 21:37:27

At my wedding, my 'D'M told me off for looking so happy, as my 'D'Sis was upset that her partner (of about 12 years by then, and father to her two children) refused to marry her, so my happiness at my wedding was really upsetting her.

flugelpip- O M G, you've been saving the best til last, haven't you?

What sort of self-deluded......shock

....herrena, maybe an acronym for the award itself. Racking my brain trying to think of one.
T O X I C is a bit of a problem with the X though

How about: SOD POT

S survivors

O of

D ysfunctional

P arents

O of

T Twatty proportions.

Sorry, bad, I know, but the best I can do after 3 glasses of rose grin wine wine wine

lunar1 Sun 17-Mar-13 21:52:06

My mum during my ivf after 7 years of ttc,

It's ok if you don't have children, don't worry your brother will give me grandchildren.

I could write a thousand similar ones too.

These are all from my DM:

After my 2nd IVF failed 'looks like I'll be the only one on this street with no grandchildren'.

When I finally had a baby, whilst crying over breastfeeding 'give her a bottle no baby ever died from having a bottle' yeh thanks for the support!

On telling her my daughters name 'I prefer her middle name' shock

Your marriage ended because you didn't try hard enough. No mum he was a lying, cheating, twunt!

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 22:02:55

I like it crushed grin but let's keep brainstorming! That's your job, I have to come up with a suitable seating plan for 100+ narcs who will all want to be centre of attention..... maybe some sort of revolving circular table in the centre of the room?

Well it would be rude not to invite them, they are the reason for the party!

tb Sun 17-Mar-13 22:06:01

Have to be a bit careful here, but

mine gave her garage tenant poa over her affairs, and he promised to keep anything that was mine for me......6 years later when she died, he told me I could write begging letters to everyone who was left things that belonged to my father.

He's also refused to send me details of everything that he sent to auction on the grounds it would upset me too much angry and then some. He also rang me to tell me she'd died, and in the same breath not to go to the funeral.

Needless to say, I haven't been sent a copy of the will......not quite sure whether it's worth a £5.

Still, as a friend said - without judging, don't think she'll need central heating where she's gone grin

I know the best revenge is living well, but sometimes it's so bloody difficult!

Flugelpip Sun 17-Mar-13 22:07:20

Um... Well, she ruined our wedding. DH and I were allowed 20 guests total. DH's family managed to invite 16 others. The venue held 120, and was full because she had so many friends to ask ('because they invited me and your father to their children's weddings'.) The average age of guest was probably 70+.

I was not allowed to make any decisions alone - she vetoed my choice of guest and tried to pick the bridesmaids. I was not allowed to help with or amend the seating plan as she knew how to do it, despite not knowing anything about DH's family and our friends. She chose the food. She chose the invitations. She picked a gold wedding dress for me, lace, with a halter back - actually sort of stunning but the sort of thing someone on their third marriage in Barbados might wear. I absolutely refused, thank God, but she sulked until the last fitting. Her outfit was made for her, based on a pic she cut out of Hello! of (heh) Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, and it cost more than my dress.

They paid for a lot of it, though DH and I contributed, but the real reason I gave in and let her have it her way was that there was no alternative.

Still look back on the day with mortification as it must have been awful for our friends, and there are many who should have been there but actually I'm glad they weren't. We are very happily married, though, so there's that.

tb Sun 17-Mar-13 22:09:34

Said to me once "oh well, we didn't need to encourage you, you were so clever"

She didn't, either!

When I passed some rather difficult professional exams the week after my fil's death/pm/funeral and didn't tell anyone, she got really annoyed when she found out....

........her comment was "oh, what am I going to do with the card I bought?".

Suppose I should've offered to refund her the money - probably 40p at the time ('twas in 1979)

tb Sun 17-Mar-13 22:14:11

Herren wouldn't each narc want their own table? Just thinking they would feel put out if they had to slum it by sitting with someone else.

Just remembering, there's a book called 'boundaries and relationships' by, I think Charles Whitfield, and in it there's a definition of both healthy and unhealthy narcism. I can remember looking at it with respect to 'd'm and she could have ticked every one of the unhealthy characteristics.

The best bit was the next sentence "it's impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist". That got me off the hook - a little.

GoSuckEggs Sun 17-Mar-13 22:16:00

Some of these are astounding!

BibiBlocksberg Sun 17-Mar-13 22:16:05

Another (foster in this case) mother one I'm afraid - at age 11 I decided it would be an excellent idea to practise cartwheels in our admittedly large (farmhouse) hall-way.

Hit a vase with my ankle on the way down and absolutely shat myself at having broken it. Tried to convince myself it was just a scratch and went to bathroom to run cold water over it.

Within minutes the whole bathroom looked like a slaughter house there was so much blood coming from the cut.

Family friend found me luckily and got parents (outside milking cows)

Foster mother took one look at the scene (me still with ankle in blood covered sink) and exclaimed 'my vase, my beautiful vase' sad

To this day of you remind her of that day she will go on about the bloody vase (not antique or special in any way btw)

I wouldn't care if it were genuine Ming dynasty if I were to find one of my children in an accident like that!!

SingingSands Sun 17-Mar-13 22:21:35

My mother, referring to my impending wedding : "It's not your day, it's mine and your father's day".

And it really was, at times I felt like a guest at my own wedding.

but of course, herrena, I think we need a massive venue though for the narks, there are going to be quite a few..... the revolving table is a great idea, maybe with a revolving door next to it grin
?

But first, its competition time for the narks: pen and paper at the ready:

The first 3000,0000 that comes out with the nastiest, most toxic reply to the following question will win a prize.

The prize is: a one way ticket to ** ( work in progress, will consult google maps). Terms and conditions state that you cannot change the location. You see, WE'RE in control here....

The question is: ** (work in progress, still thinking of it...any suggestions appreciated).

Early start tomorrow, sad will be back around 8pm ish smile
xx

singingsands- yup, mine said , 'Who are you to have a say on what is on the wedding menu.. you're just the bride.....' shock

Okkkkaayyyyyy

Mockingcurl Sun 17-Mar-13 22:50:59

When I was very young I had a bad marriage, I told my mother that it was over and I would be leaving my husband at the weekend. I spent the whole weekend in a bedsit, by myself, crying. On the Monday she rang my office and left a message with reception that said " she had been beside herself all weekend and was devastated that I hadn't phoned her. In future she would not be available for support and I could take my washing somewhere else. "

When I met my second husband we lived together and I got pregnant before we got married. We got married very quietly with two witnesses, whilst I was still pregnant. When I told her we were married she said " well thank god we don't have to have a bastard in the family."

When I had cancer my mother wouldn't phone/visit/ help out as it was so terribly tiresome having a daughter with cancer, she just couldn't face it.

When my father left my mother, she said that the only person she had left to love in her life was my sister.

I could go on.

tb- lol at the narc's wanting their own table grin

plannedshock Sun 17-Mar-13 23:01:32

Just found this topic-I have hundreds!!! When I was a kid my step-father was the biggest bastard going I asked my mother why she let him treat me like he does her response was " you can leave when you are 16, I'm not going to give up my happiness and end up alone"
When he would ignore/smack/terrorise me she would always say "now what have you done? Can't you just be good?" Needless to say she HAS ended up on her own-he left for another woman -and has just txt me today to see if I Need any company now I'm on maternity leave- Erm...no, I think I'm ok thanks!!!

Spotbot Sun 17-Mar-13 23:03:03

When I told my DM I was pregnant with her first grandchild her response was:
nothing. She just carried on eating as though noone had spoken. When I told her I was pregnant with my second child she did respond. She said 'Oh no'. Actually she is fond of her grandchildren, in her own way. But when I announced my pregnancies I think she couldn't bear the thought of how these children were bound to take priority in my life over her, just as my husband had done. Sad, really.

discotequewreck Sun 17-Mar-13 23:11:24

Mine told me that the mother of the bride was the most important person at the wedding.

When I said I was going to study nursing, she said oh I could have done nursing but i'm far too caring.

Thank you for this thread. I have just had a very difficult wkend with narc family and have found out I have been cut from will dh for not towing the line and being the cardboard cut out they see me as.

BoringTheBuilder Sun 17-Mar-13 23:19:01

My EA ex told me once: you know what? You are not as thick as I thought you were......
He was being serious

bootsycollins Sun 17-Mar-13 23:28:31

Just read the entire thread, my god there's some absolute shockers. thanks for you all, honestly I'm practically speechless at the horrible shitbags who've treated you like this. It's so sad and twisted that the people who were supposed to care for you and love you the most and always do what's best for you treated you with such utter contempt, evil bastards.

And your right, the best revenge you can have is being happy and enjoying the lives you lead now.

trustissues75 Sun 17-Mar-13 23:42:59

My mother and I had a huge disagreement over my wedding and she decided she wasn't coming...and one by one family members called me up to say they wouldnt' be coming either because "you know what she's like, we'll have to deal with the fallout if we turn up. You do understand don't you?" Bloody enablers...

tightfortime Sun 17-Mar-13 23:46:35

All my life all I wanted was to be a mum. This was common knowledge to all. Three weeks after I met my XDH I asked him if he wanted more kids as he had two already as I was only 22 and it was a deal breaker for me. He assured me he wanted loads and always maintained that.

Fast forward 9 years in which I played huge role in my step kids' lives. Every weekend, every holiday, every penny. I adore them.

We were married six months, I'd quit the fags, taken the vitamins, come off the pill and we were tccing although expected it to take a while after years on the pill. I was so excited when the positive came after just a few weeks later.

Waited for him to come home, scratch his arse, read the paper (I know, I know!) but I wanted this to be perfect, the day I dreamed of had come, I got to tell my husband we were finally having a baby. His response?

Fuck it, what's that going to cost me?

Are you sure? Better go to a doctor, you might be making it up.

I'm too old for this shit.

Sighs. Returns to newspaper.

While he is a wonderful father to our DD, I'll never forgive the narc

tightfortime Sun 17-Mar-13 23:50:33

And it wasn't just a bad day as he claimed after.

He moaned about attending scans (some of us have to work! Even though I worked full time too) about how hard my three day labour was for him to watch and I was persuaded not to breast feed as they were his favourite part of me and he wouldn't feel the same way about me, fancy me etc if I used them as nature frigging intended!!

Mine are nothing in comparison to some of these. Feel sad for you all.

According to M, my good teeth are down to the fact she drank so much milk in pregnancy.

She believed I was on drugs as a teen because I was so anti social and didnt talk to her....errm no. I was depressed because she was impossible to live with. But sure...think the worst of me.

After my DF complimented a cake I baked she said, "Its not as good as mine." in a real sneery way and refused to eat any.

Not to mention the blatant favouritism for my brother. The general bitching behind my back. The lies to cover herself and then gaslighting me. Oh and ofcourse, if I ever point out anything I am upset about I am attacking her. I am horrible and shes doing everything right.

DevonCiderPunk Sun 17-Mar-13 23:53:16

Lots of love to everyone on this thread.

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Sun 17-Mar-13 23:53:44

I come from a very large family and there seems to be a huge streak of narcisissm in all of them.

the only was i could survive thier toxic relationships. I've been 300 miles away for 8 years, and finally let my guard down and invited one of them to be friends on facebook. OH the fall out .... It's all so Jeremy Kyle.

Leave me alone, I'm happy here with a family who enjoy my company, dont look for things to take offence over and who understand that anything i say, comes from a place of love.

I could give you examples of what has been said and done, but its just too painful. It is possible to break the chain though. DD has a lovely supportive childhood.

Flugelpip Mon 18-Mar-13 00:00:36

Oh, I had the 'Now that you have children I don't come first anymore' line too. Also 'why did you pick that name for DS1/DS2?' She had been hoping for a male version of her name, it turned out. Disappointment x 2.

Recently, I got: 'You must make sure you have plenty of fun with your children because one day they'll leave you and you'll have NOTHING.' I think she may be projecting.

Last Christmas (2011) she decided she couldn't cope. She did almost nothing about it and when we arrived, there was no tree or any decorations. DS1 was very disappointed as we were staying there for Christmas and he was tree-obsessed. I dug out a small tree and decorated it so there was something seasonal about the house, as otherwise it was too bleak. The day we were leaving, I had about two minutes to take it down and put the baubles, lights etc away, as I knew it would be a major gripe if I left it for her to do. Ever since, she has complained - to anyone who will listen - that I put the decorations away in the wrong boxes. This explains why there was no tree this year either. (This is typical of my thoughtlessness, obv.)

If she's upset about something (and she's always upset about something) she tells me my father is VERY annoyed about it. He finds this infuriating and it is never true.

Very often, she tells me I am lucky that she was such a good mother and set a good example to me because her own mother was so awful...

seaofyou Mon 18-Mar-13 01:01:52

Ex: 'I can't come back a day early for your brother's funeral because I only get one holiday a year!'

Letter ex wrote to me to explain he met someone else and moving abroad whilst I was 7 months pregnant. It ended 'I am going to have a good life because I deserve it.'
hmm

buildingmycorestrength Mon 18-Mar-13 07:06:09

Flugelpip, the competition is heating up now. You are still a front runner, though.

Mine are nothing compared to this, really.

LadyWoo Mon 18-Mar-13 09:28:57

Those of you with narcissistic control freak parents, do you find you attract narcissistic control freak friends too? I have often found that to be the case and I've had to work really hard in the past couple of years to get those types of friends out of my life.

I had a narcissist best friend all the way through secondary school, who controlled me, made nasty comments, alienated others from me, all under the guise of the fact that I 'always had her'.

Then onto college, where I had another narcissist best friend. This time one that thought she was gorgeous and that everyone else was pig ugly,and this meant lots of passive aggressive comments about my looks, hair, make up, dress sense etc, all dressed up in a sugary sweet voice so I was unsure about whether or not she was being nice or horrible, therefore it was hard to pinpoint for years whether she was nice or not.

And in adulthood I've had a fair few friends like that too. I seem to attract people that just want to talk about themselves, and who have little or no loyalty to me as their number one priority is always themselves and they'll do anything to save their own bacon and to make themselves look good to others. I don't think Facebook helps either; it seems to be narcissists that dominate the newsfeed with tales of how wonderful their lives are.

sashh Mon 18-Mar-13 09:33:48

I've never wanted kids.

This wasn't a problem until I had a serious relationship. Mum had never believed me but now, a MAN told her neither of us wanted them.

What about ME. I want Grandchildren.

Another funny one, I mentioned my cousin has green eyes.

DM: No, they are blue, like mine.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 18-Mar-13 09:43:53

My mum once mentioned to my narc dad that maybe he could wish her happy birthday...since it was her birthday.

He said, "No, it isn't. It isn't today."

She, to be fair, did retort, "Um, yes it is, I should know?"

I thought of another, F told my nan she had a new ggd she said, well your brother got the new part for his car.
F told her again incase she didnt hear....she heard but she couldnt give a shit really!

Thats one woman i hate to see, shes so miserable and tries to bring everyone around her down......bores me!

spiritedaway Mon 18-Mar-13 09:55:16

Sending me a pic of a beautiful 20 something posing for him in her knickers and telling me look. . i have her! But i still want you. . doesn't that prove I love you?

frazmum Mon 18-Mar-13 09:56:57

My DF managed a great one this morning. Got an email a couple of days ago saying his cousin had cancer and things not looking good. Emailed back saying obviously very sorry to hear that, hope he pulls through and offered a couple of practical ways DF could help. This morning got an email saying I was very unsympathetic. He didn't need offers of ways to help his cousin, what he needed was sympathy for how the news made him feel!!

Seems to be a common theme on this thread - how the bad news is much worse for them than the person it concerns.

LadyWoo Mon 18-Mar-13 10:05:39

Oh my gosh, spiritedaway, what a total arsehole! I hope he remained an ex!!

Estherbelle Mon 18-Mar-13 10:44:29

XP (frontman in a rock band and the biggest narc going) complained when I booked and paid for a holiday in a cottage in Cornwall for MY birthday: "getting the train all that way is SO exhausting." He then missed said train because he spent an hour straightening his hair. Subsequently I ended up paying another £160 for our train fares because our tickets were only valid on one specific train. He refused to help me with my heavy luggage or let me sit near the window to enjoy the view, said he was "too skint" to buy me a birthday present and I shouldn't be so "materialistic".

Later that week he gets drunk (could never handle his drink) and a receipt falls out of his pocket which shows the day before my birthday he spend £900 on a mountain bike for himself! When I questioned this, he went ballistic, shouting "you're not my mother!" He stormed off and promptly did a faceplank in the middle of the street. Oh, how I laughed...

Fortunately I saw sense and got rid of him, although I did have an interesting conversation recently with another ex of his about what an unbelievable narc he was. Apparently, when her DM had cancer, he accused her of making it up to get attention and when he realised it WAS true, he accused her of being selfish for getting upset about it around him because it was depressing for HIM!

HMG83 Mon 18-Mar-13 11:17:35

So many of the things here have been said by my mother to me too.

I think I've done pretty well at forgetting many of the things said/done throughout my childhood/teens.

The most recent event was a couple of weeks ago when I'd popped home to see my dad off on his business trip. He'd left that morning and called from the airport, I picked up the phone as mother was on the other line. We were having a lovely chat when my mother realised who was on the end of the phone and satrted ranting about how I'm always stealing her husband away from her, it's [i]her[/i] time to talk to [i]her[/i] husband. He's MY father! I have as much right to talk to him as her?!?!
This was infront of all my brothers mates, mortifying.

I'm in competition with her apparently, stealing her husband away. Taking all his time.....he's my dad!!!!! Who I only see a handful of times a year!

Then later that same day when I dropped her off to her physio I got a mouthful of how selfish I am, how when I have children I'll understand real hatred and wish I'd never had them sad

I'm not allowed to be ill/tired/down etc because she's always iller/more tired/sooooo depressed.

This is just a snap shot of my narc mother, there's so much more. But one good thing is I've vowed to never ever be a mother like her.
Thankfully I'm like my father....although that just gives her more ammunition.

Hopingtobehappy Mon 18-Mar-13 12:10:17

When I told my Mum that I was ill with Anxiety and Depression for the first time last year she said 'oh not you as well, as if I dont have enough to deal with'

I had been avoiding her since Xmas as I had been ill again and eventually sent her an email explaining that I was ill with depression again but that I was dealing with it and that I would contact her very soon. Contacted her eventually and all she said was 'oh you must be better now, good' I just said that I was, it was easier.

Hopingtobehappy Mon 18-Mar-13 12:18:48

When I was a lot younger I told Mum that I wanted to be a police officer. She laughed and said that I probably should be a traffic warden if I wanted to wear a uniform.

I never did have the confidence to do it and its one of my biggest regrets :-(

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Mon 18-Mar-13 13:10:40

sashh "Mum had never believed me but now, a MAN told her neither of us wanted them."

SNAP! My M thinks that men are literally God's gift to women. Doesn't matter what a woman says - A N other man MUST know better....

HMG83 "satrted ranting about how I'm always stealing her husband away from her..."

SNAP! If my DF and I have a cheerful, happy conversation then she gets mega-jealous. Once I returned from Uni and was talking to him. She chipped in with something factually wrong. He disagreed with her whilst looking at me (I was nodding). She then stormed off saying something like "Oh now you're going to talk to HER, now SHE'S back".....

Maybe I should abandon the awards ceremony idea and concentrate on Narc bingo cards instead?

Seriouslysleepdeprived Mon 18-Mar-13 13:12:19

My parents came to visit three days after DS was born. They went on & on about how huge and abnormal my stomach looked. How M's 'hadn't looked like that with you two'.

She even took photos for her 'hall of shame' so she could show everyone. I explicitly asked her to stop. My Dsis still caught her taking sneaky shots.

They came back a few days later (I know, I know). I asked my mum wait a bit before holding DS as she chuffs 60 a day & reeked of fags. She went ballistic, shouting how unreasonable & ridiculous I was. How typical this was of me.

When i explained the why, she told me to piss off, stormed out to the car and sat there for an hour crying about how depressed she felt and how shit her life was.

I hobbled between her & my dad with a newborn & an episiotomy for an hour and a half, making teas until they decided to leave. NEVER again.

topknob Mon 18-Mar-13 13:13:08

My dad when his dad died 'everyone keeps asking how my mum is but what about me' confused my husband when I wised up to his ways ' you changed since you stopped smoking'
Last week we were both ill, he said 'do you think you are the illest person in the house' as he thought he was more sick than me. Never his fault, ever sad

MNetBlackpoolLE Mon 18-Mar-13 13:19:51

My ex, I didnt support him enough emotionally when i left, he was abusive because of depression and he's not saying i contributed to his suicide attempts years later but i must admit i played a big part???

Gunznroses Mon 18-Mar-13 13:32:29

Can people please stop saying things like ooh! your mum is way worse than mine! it doesn't help and its quite hurtful.

Soundwave84 Mon 18-Mar-13 13:34:27

Told narc mother I was feeling down after having DS2, she said " Now, you must remember not to tell anyone else you're feeling like this because social services will come and take him away." confused

Feckssake Mon 18-Mar-13 13:34:38

I got raped over the phone when I was about seven: sounds impossible, but let's just say the voice got me to do things. My brother found me in floods of tears, tights round my ankles, the whole nine yards. Police came. My M refused to change the phone number because "she needed it for business calls". The number got passed around other like-minded individuals and for a few months I wasn't allowed to answer the phone, but my (older) siblings had to deal with plenty of nastiness - they hung up straight away though.

And the reason she needed to keep the phone number the same? My M was a self-employed child psychologist.

MNetBlackpoolLE Mon 18-Mar-13 13:45:30

My mum can be controlling, I honestly thinks she thinks dd should be/is hers.

She once pushed the pram at me, yelled take your bloody baby and didnt speak to me for years because I had dared to say no I didnt want her to take my SIX DAY old baby on holiday without me.

She refers to dc as her own and her and my dad undermines every decision I make with dd by taking mick/mimicking or laughing when I tell dc off.

LadyWoo Mon 18-Mar-13 13:48:52

Soundwave, I got that too from my mother when I had PND! Also for some odd reason every time I was pregnant she always whispered words like 'pregnancy' 'baby' 'labour'. Really odd.

BlackpoolLE, my mum I think pretends I don't exist whenever she is with my kids. She undermines me with them. I just ignore her now though, otherwise I'd want to punch her!!

topknob Mon 18-Mar-13 14:11:07

Ohh Another from husband, he says to his adult daughter when face timing her about her baby girl, 'where's MY girl' erm no she isn't yours she is m and b's girl !

Googol Mon 18-Mar-13 14:13:03

Here's a few gems from my "dear" mother. Most of these are from my childhood (6-10 years):

DM: Your brother is my favourite <dramatic pause> well you are my favourite daughter.

DM: I can tell you this because you're me really, aren't you?

DM: I gave birth to you, you owe me your life.

DM: Stop thinking! Your problem is you think too much. Just do as I say.

DM: I used to find you so annoying. You've improved the last few years.

When I called her about my first pregnancy I told her she could tell her sisters but I'd like to call my brother and let him know. She agreed. Promised she wouldn't say anything. Literally 15 minutes after hanging up the phone to her I called my brother and guess what... she had already phoned him and told him to keep quiet that he already knew my news.

Best thing I ever did was cut her out of my life.

Miggsie Mon 18-Mar-13 14:20:42

"stop crying, you have nothing to cry about." Followed by "Right, I'll give you something to really cry about".
She used to keep us up really late so we were crying with tiredness.

My gran - this is why I pile on threads and tell people NOT to let their young kids stay with their narc grand-parent.

When my brother nearly died of an asthma attack: "It wouldn't have happened if your mother was a better mother, she gave him asthma by being a bad cook." (My mother was a great cook - Corden Bleu in fact, but gran hated people being better at anything than she was)

Greensleeves Mon 18-Mar-13 14:27:26

Oooh, great thread

My mother:

Was at birth of ds1 which was 24 hours of screaming, horrific butchery which I won't bore you with, but once ds1 had been revived after 7 minutes of not breathing and rushed to SCBU, and I was being wheeled screaming into theatre for emergency surgery, while haemorrhaging everywhere, Mum announced "Well, it's all over with now, so I'm off home" I was in hospital for 6 weeks. DS1 and I nearly died. Poor Mum came down with a "nerve rash".

Was at birth of ds2 which was much shorter but just as violent. Mum stayed long enough to see little ds2 in his little matinee jacket. She popped off home while the nurse was rigging up the Hartmann's solution and calling the doctor to see to my PPH.

About ds2's strawberry mark: "Well I won't deny it Greensleeves, it does change how I feel about him. The sooner he has it off the better. It is harder to love a child with a facial disfigurement, I don't like looking at it".

Told me aged 15 "I think your father might be impotent" - her evidence was that he had turned her down for sex. She had been married to somebody else for 10 years at the time..

Said "Oh children's feelings are skin-deep" about her kids/divorce

Told me "I hope you are not going to make a big THING out of this. It was nothing. He was just confused" when my stepfather ran his hand up the inside of my thigh during a Christmas board game. I was 19 and he had lived with me since I was 5. I was wearing a short skirt though hmm

Decided one day to be all brave and good because she was training to be a counsellor. Asked me to "talk to her" and tell her about any bad memories I had from my childhood "I never listened enough, I can take it now" she said. I chose the one about her making us pack our stuff into tea chests and dumping me and my brother in my father's front yard in the rain when I was 11, as we had never brought her anything but heartache. She sat silently and only reacted when I got to the bit where she picked us up again a few hours later and said "Greensleeves, get in the front, you are not going ANYWHERE. Greenbro - you can leave any time you like". She cried a bit and said "I would never have said anything like that to him, did I? How could I? No wonder he hates me..". She then dried her tears and said to me "Well if there is any more of it, you had better get yourself to a therapist. I've done my bit.

Must resist the urge to go on. And on...

Greensleeves Mon 18-Mar-13 14:31:03

Oh, I simply cannot resist another one, sorry.

When going through one of her "I can see auras and shit" phases, she decided that ds1 was "a special child with a destiny", and would go far in life and be a sort of Christ-figure. DS2, she opined, had been born to act as a sort of "helpmeet to his brother". They were 2 and about 1 month at the time. She later decided she had a particular psychic link to ds2, he shared her gift, and it transcended the mere bagatelle of me being his mother.

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Mon 18-Mar-13 14:46:56

It is a bit freaky when they decide that your children are actually their children. Both my M and MIL refer to DS1 as 'my baby' (not DS2, funnily enough. And DS1 is actually DGC4 for MIL).

With my M, I was really paranoid that she would steal DS1 away from me and not give him back. I didn't feel that way with anyone else, just her. I am not particularly maternal so I found the experience really odd! I think I am just very used to her muscling her way in and trying to usurp whatever is most precious to me sad

She and my DF will get loads of time with my DC whilst they're little but I don't think they realise that I am watching very carefully with a fucking clipboard for ANY signs of narc-like behaviour towards their DGC. If when it does happen, I plan to implement a 'two strikes' policy. One strike = warning, two strikes = game over.

DogEgg Mon 18-Mar-13 15:12:57

From my Dad: -
Dog Egg, listening to you on the phone I reckon the person on the other end would imagine you as a charming person.

and............
Your Mother wasn't cold, she was just a private person. For example she didn't breastfeed you because it was too intimate for her, too animal.

From my Mum: -
I didn't want children. I wouldn't have had them if it wasn't for your Dad and even then I wish I'd stopped at one.

and...........
when I moved house "Well that will mess up my address book."

And slightly related..........
When I wouldn't go to sleep at night they packed a case with all my clothes and put it by my bed telling me that if I didn't sleep they'd take me to a childrens home and leave me there. My brother's therapist described that as "A bad parenting decision." Really? You think?

currentlyconfuseddotcom Mon 18-Mar-13 15:16:23

One of the worst, during intimate clinch: 'I can see my reflection in your eyes'

grin @ "A bad parenting decision."

I know I shouldn't laugh but that did make me chuckle. Sorry DogEgg.

DogEgg Mon 18-Mar-13 15:26:28

No apology necessary TheOne, it is hilarious.

onefewernow Mon 18-Mar-13 15:31:09

My mother was gutted when I told her that getting a first class degree meant I could do a funded masters course I had applied for. I was a single parent at the time.

She said. " so. You're still not going to get a job then? You always were a lazy git."

meddie Mon 18-Mar-13 15:37:56

So true about them always being sicker,having more problems,suffering more. yadda yadda.
Its become a standing joke amongst my family not to tell mum any of your problems, because she immediately replies with how she is more tired, more sick,suffered more, than you could ever possibly have.

enormouse Mon 18-Mar-13 15:39:29

onefewer that's amazing, you should be so proud of yourself.

A gem from my DF
On hearing I had flunked out of med school owing to depression:
"Well, I knew from the start you'd never be able to hack it".
Haven't spoken to him since and will be starting a master's in a subject I love next year.

cardamomginger Mon 18-Mar-13 15:40:33

XP and I had a relatively minor car crash at slow speed in his car with him driving. It scared the hell out of me because it was with a huge lorry which crashed into the passenger's door where I was sitting - he had been trying to sneak into a traffic jam, but the driver of the lorry hadn't seen him. I'd kept on saying, 'He doesn't see us', but XP had ignored me. Anyway, after the crash, when I'd been crying and shaking XP turned on me and started screaming asking me to show more consideration for him - how did I think my tears made him feel? He was (and presumably still is) a clinical psychologist....

MarianForrester Mon 18-Mar-13 15:53:06

Oh, this is so weird, I recognise lots of these. Am only just realising in forties that it really is them.

The trying on the wedding dress one is indee weird- reminded me that my mum bought the same perfume as me and wore it to my wedding, I had to change mine.

On the subject of the wedding, DP's told me that they would maybe come to it depending how my sister was. She was not ill btw.

Dcs naming day, they told me by weren't coming in passing as "it's not their sort of thing" They then did come as found out my aunt and uncle were coming (they don't like them!). DM then told me that they had excluded her and ruined the day (not true) and that the poem I had chosen was "very cynical". It was I thought a lovely and humorous poem, and other people had told me how they had welled up.

On a mc I had, DM told me that at least I knew I could get pregnant and that was that.

After having ds I was told needed transfusion and had to go back to hospital. Rang to tell them, DF laughed and said I was not anaemic, absolutely horrible. He has a medical background and just said I had the numbers wrong, after quizzing me, mocking and weird.

Loads more, but that's enough! Horrid that so many of you have these, many a lot worse than me, but it really helps to know that am not alone. Sad though.

MarianForrester Mon 18-Mar-13 16:06:22

And yy to the sicker/sadder/more suffering thing!

And the inadequacies of any gift given to them.

Oh god yes. The gifts.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's never good enough. This Mother's Day the dcs made her some fudge. I made a gift box for them and they were so proud.

They handed them to my mum who said, " What am I supposed to do with these? You know I'm on a diet. I'll put them in the compost later. "

I was so angry I snatched them back and left. I told the dcs that me and daddy would love to eat them and that granny is missing out and doesn't deserve them. There's no way I'm letting her start with the dcs. The two who made the fudge are 9 and 4. sad

LittleMissCupcakes Mon 18-Mar-13 16:16:32

XP: why won't you let me change you into a better person?

Charming!

MarianForrester Mon 18-Mar-13 16:17:19

That's worse than my DM: I get the "subtle" " oh that's a lovely little plant you sent" "Very unusual chocolates" Always just that bit inadequate!

Your poor dcs hmm

onefewernow Mon 18-Mar-13 16:18:55

Oh, and because I went to a grammar school when others in the family hadnt, I was always accused of "getting above myself".

I only just realised that recent family arguments, where two siblings are avoiding me, are about the same thing. I am refusing to join in the chorus of judgement about another sister who has a lot of issues. The other two have accused me of talking a pile of shit, having too much to say. being a know it all and patronising them.

In reality they scapegoat that sister, and measure themselves against her.

Thanks ladies. Hadn't seen the connection.

Mhamai Mon 18-Mar-13 16:47:58

When I accused ex partner of being unfaithful his response was......
''If you don't apologise I'm going to s*ag someone I s*agged when we last split up.''

grin

googietheegg Mon 18-Mar-13 16:50:41

When my mil came to 'help' after I had dd - 'don't worry about lunch, I'll get my own'

spiritedaway Mon 18-Mar-13 16:53:52

My mother told me she didn't feel like a mother until she had a son. . that he was worth 10 of me. Was angry after teachers meetings when they praised me- never asked about my O level results, 10 A's smile I think i am so clever and above everyone you see. Was used as unpaid childminder to brother 12yrs younger and expected to stand up to my dad when he was pissed. Next day she would tell him a fake story of how i had been winding him up. My brother believed this till i left home am it was his turn

littlejo67 Mon 18-Mar-13 16:53:59

After my dad died I inherited the role of being a carer to my mum who is a chain smoking alcoholic as well as chair bound & disabled.

She wouldn't sign the paperwork so I could get carers allowance or pay any contribution towards the 20 mile every day trip. I wasnt working at the time so a quite hard up.

Apparently "it was my duty to care for her and i was mercenary to ask her for a contribution". She said the hardship would be character building for me.She spent £120 a WEEK on cigarettes and alcohol.

arthriticfingers Mon 18-Mar-13 16:58:07

On the telling EX I was expecting our first child.
"Are you sure? I heard that sometimes these pregnancy tests show a positive when you have certain kinds of cancers"
Followed by going AWOL for two days confused

woozlebear Mon 18-Mar-13 17:08:54

My mother when I got engaged to v nice DH who she now likes:
'Oh you haven't! Why did you have to do this now [in December]? You've ruined Christmas for me now, I'm so upset! We may as well cancel Christmas, I can't cope with it on top of this!'

My mother when I said DH and I were thinking of having tiny wedding abroad on own, since she and DF were opposed to it and we're not really wedding people:
'Oh, I really would be so upset. I would hate not to be at the wedding of my only daughter' hmm

My mother, during wedding planning, when I asked her and DF to have dinner with us and soon-to-be-in-laws at the hotel the night before the wedding. The in-laws live abroad and the two families had never met before, and would not otherwise meet until the morning of the wedding:
'Oh no, I really don't like the idea of that'. hmm hmm hmm She came and stayed in the same hotel, but turned up about 10pm and refused to have dinner!

My mother, a year or so later, when driving near the place we got married:
'Oh, it's so strange thinking that's where you had your funny little wedding' angry

woozlebear Mon 18-Mar-13 17:12:08

Oh and my utterly horrendoulsy vile beyond words EX:

'You make me hit you because I love you so much and you make me so angry. You should be glad I care enough about you to get so angry'.

Yaaaaaaaaawn.

woozlebear Mon 18-Mar-13 17:19:59

Which reminds me - DM still likes to remind me of how upset and stressed she was all the time I was with abusive ex. Apparently it was awful of me to put her through that.

Probably about as stressed as she was all the way through my childhood, what with me being such a difficult, troublesome child who drove her mother to beat her.

JourneyThroughLife Mon 18-Mar-13 17:21:40

When my DC was still very young he was diagnosed with haemophilia, I was devastated as I knew nothing about the condition and needed support. When my mother found out, I remember her telephoning and being very angry, asking me "Why had I done this to the family"???

Years later, I was seriously ill in hospital and had a hysterectomy, I was still in hospital when my mother and father appeared by the bedside. My mother firstly berated me for being ill and "making them drive all this way" (I hadn't even asked them to come over) and then told me I must be "putting it on" (I was still wired up to tubes etc.!) and after that, she said "all my carryings on were making my father ill". It was true my father was strangely quiet and withdrawn - I now think he didn't dare mention he wasn't feeling well himself. Following that my father had a sudden and massive stroke and died. For my mother, it was all my fault and I don't think she ever forgave me. But by then I had realised the problem was her, not me, and I'd clearly not caused my father to die so in a way it released me from her aggressive behaviour. She became obsessed with her own grief - it never occured to her once that I had lost a father, only that she'd lost her husband - but she left my sister and I alone after that...

akaemmafrost Mon 18-Mar-13 17:30:30

Oh the fudge reminded me of one.

Ds and I made fairy cakes together, covered them with melted chocolate and stuck a malteaser on too. They were actually really nice and ds was really proud of making them. My Mum saw them and said "god what are those?......don't worry dgs, we will make proper cakes when you come to Grandma's". Ds was four. My Dad who is a text book enabler looked at her and then actually immediately stuffed one into his mouth and proclaimed it delicious, then another one. It's one of the only times I ever remember him going against her.

akaemmafrost Mon 18-Mar-13 17:33:48

When my sister was diagnosed with cancer my Mum said tearfully "OMG what have I done deserve this? Is it something I did when you were growing up? Maybe I fed you the wrong things? Where did I go wrong?"

Notice how many I's are in there?

I have nothing compared to the awful stories above...my life has been a relative bed of roses.

My mother did tell my that my O level results were the biggest disappointment of her life.

Fwiw I got 6 Bs and 3As. Hey ho, you can't win them all. And btw she was no Einstein.

woozlebear Mon 18-Mar-13 17:37:43

I'm sorry, the floodgates have opened, I can't stop.

DM, when I was in the grips of a 2 year depression in my mid-teens, and she found me crouched in the corner of my bedroom catatonic:
'You must tell me what's the matter, I can't deal with this stress of not knowing what the matter with you is, stop being such a drama queen. What's upsetting you?'
Me: 'I don't know, nothing in particular, I just feel awful all the time
DM: Well if you won't tell me, what am I supposed to do?
Me: I don't know, I really don't know what the matter is. I wish I knew, that's what's so awful.
DM: Tell me, FFS tell me. You've always been malicious and secretive, I'm not taking it anymore. How can you do this to me?
At this point DM hit me in the face with the mug she was holding and chipped my front tooth.

Animation Mon 18-Mar-13 17:45:20

Ooh woozlebear that is awful. You poor love sad

jesus lord woozlebear thats just awful

woozlebear Mon 18-Mar-13 17:52:36

Thanks smile

This thread is making me so much happier though - I love to think that my crazy DM is not special at all. She's not even specially crazy. Just one of many crazy narcs. She'd hate that more than anything grin

i will share some as reading this thread has reminded me of some stuff

I got ulcerative colitis when I was 19, I remember being driven round to hospital being screamed at for being ill and making her drive me places like a taxi driver I was so selfish etc etc at this point I was bleeding from my bum and doubled over in pain.......

then when I was discharged 1 week later after having lost 2 stone and totally scared and emaciated she and my dad went on holiday to italy the next day

totally selfish the lot of them arent they

akaemmafrost Mon 18-Mar-13 18:00:16

I ran away when I was 13. Due to being hit all the time. When I was found I got put in the back of the car with her and she said "if you're this unhappy that you are running away then we will make other living arrangements for you.". I was crying my eyes out and said "Good, I hate living with you" and she punched me in the side of the head.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 18-Mar-13 18:01:28

Selfish doesn't even begin to cover it. blush.

And yes, I understand what you mean, woozle

"You aren't that special" is probably the worst thing they could hear.

mrsmindcontrol Mon 18-Mar-13 18:18:21

When me & exH split up I was terrified of telling my parents as I knew they'd blame me entirely. In the end they found out & my DF screamed at me in front of my 3 DS to get out of his house before he beat me black & blue. I heard nothing further from either him or my mum for several days although my dad did kindly text my ex to say that he (my ex) had their (my parents) full support.
To this day, 2 years on, they have no idea why we split up. Have never asked. Just presumed it was my fault.

mrsmindcontrol Mon 18-Mar-13 18:23:00

Oh, and another one....(there are millions more but this one sticks in my brain).....my eldest DS has ADHD. My DF announced loudly in a theme park queue recently that it was my fault for being a crap parent.

mrsmindcontrol Mon 18-Mar-13 18:24:49

One last one....a few years ago ExH & I had my parents over for Xmas day. The boys were quite young then, 2 & 4. My parents arrived late in the day empty handed as apparently didn't want to overexcite the children by giving them presents on Xmas day.

MyShoofly Mon 18-Mar-13 18:32:26

some of these are devastating sad

Me: Mom you just cut me off for the billionth time - you never listen to me
DM: Well you talk so much, your always talking.

Me directly after 3 days of labour and an emergency c-section: how are you mum?
DM: oooooh I am just sooooo exhausted - I had a hair appointment today

Me today after relaying I only got 2 hrs of sleep with newborn and unsettled toddler: and how are you mum?
DM: oooooooh I am just soooooo exhausted - I took a bath this morning and I have bridge this afternoon.

Me: Mum your constant unsolicited advice drives me batty
DM: But I need to be able to say the things I need to say

hmm

Katisha Mon 18-Mar-13 18:33:41

I once swore at a narcissist who was bothering a member of my family. I was holding DS who was a baby at the time and we were at the front door.

Later he told the family member (in an effort to control her) that he was going to the police to tell them I'd pushed him down the steps and he'd sustained a nasty injury.

THe ridiculous thing is he then believed it, because it had come out of his own mouth. Actually he never did go to the police, but if he had, I'm convinced he would have sworn blind I did that.

It was a great insight into the mind of a narcissist and how they don't inhabit the same reality as the rest of us.

Oopla Mon 18-Mar-13 18:49:31

Quite minor bit of ridiculous that I found incredulous at the time.

Toddler ds was running around the garden holding something random like a wooden spoon to his ear babbling "hiya....dadda...hiya" dm was like " what on earth is wrong with that child, what is he doing?" --Erm obv he's pretending to talk into a phone to his daddy.

"But it's a spoon!" <Long creepy hollow laugh and Looking at him like he's mentally ill.>

I must have had SO much fun as a toddler hmm

akaemmafrost Mon 18-Mar-13 18:58:07

Katisha. I think that is spot on about them not inhabiting the same reality. My Mum tells lies about things but after she has done so she actually convinces herself it happened. Therefore she is justified in falling out with people who did her sooooo wrong.

CaptChaos Mon 18-Mar-13 19:11:12

mrsmindcontrol yy @ the 'it's your fault you split up' my son got married last week, his horribly violent father and I split up when I got the hell out of dodge when DS was 9 months old. My mother has always maintained that I made the abuse up, and that some women like being hit. She spent the whole day talking to him and his family and pretty much ignored all of our side (apart from equally narc SiL)

yy also @ the 'it's your fault your child has ADHD', my mother refused to believe that DS2 had ASD, then used it as some sort of stigmata for how wonderful she was for coping (with a child she never saw or interacted with), she is now convinced that it was in some way my fault, because he goes to a specialist school and 'he seems fine now' < twinkly laugh>

He must have got it from me, because I was such a difficult child. Or from my father's side, because he was a bastard.

Mother has spent the last 30 odd years slagging my DF off at every opportunity because he left her. I got an urgent call saying he had days to live, so spent a few days running round like a headless chicken trying to get to the US to say goodbye. I called and told her because..... I am conditioned to do so (?) and she started crying. I asked her why she was crying, as she had obviously hated him for years and she said 'You wouldn't understand, he was just your father, but he was my husband', yes, for 5 years he was, 30 odd years ago hmm

God! This is cathartic!

shockers Mon 18-Mar-13 19:15:34

I was a rubbish foster mum, I got far too attached to the children and was devastated when they left. When two of our charges were leaving after 2 years, to be adopted, my mother phoned me up at 3am and hissed down the phone, "Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all pick and choose our children and then just wave bye bye when we've had enough."

That was 11 years ago and I still shake with fury when I think of it.

It is cathartic but it's the first time I've put it all together. It's been a bit of a shock tbh and I've been in a whirl of emotion over the last two days. It's as if the world I knew where I was just a crap daughter has turned on its axis. It takes a bit of getting used to.

So many punctuation mistakes. Sorry. blush

Hope it still makes sense.

arthriticfingers Mon 18-Mar-13 19:30:52

This is not only cathartic - it is f***ing liberating.
How about this one:
I had tried to lock myself in the bathroom to get away for yet another beating from my mother.
My father pushed the door open for her (I can't remember whether I had failed to lock it properly, or was coming out to take the beating) The door swung back into my head splitting it open.
My mother:
Now look what you've made your father do!

Glenrosa Mon 18-Mar-13 19:37:09

I had abandonment issues throughout childhood which developed into depression I my teens. I overdosed on pills and the next da DM arranged for me to stay with a friend because she couldn't trust me to behave while she went on holiday

Glenrosa Mon 18-Mar-13 19:42:40

And another, I was trying to explain my low mood at the age of 19 & her response was 'Nerves? Don't be stupid I never had nerves at your age!'

I was a bit self conscious about a new hair cut but DM put me at ease by telling me not to worry 'No one would ever look at you anyway.'

When I got married and was thinking about going to a hotel for a few days she told me not to bother because all the waiters would look down their noses at me.

arthriticfingers Mon 18-Mar-13 19:44:37

Glen Yet another post - and there are so many on this thread that are making me laugh and cry at the same time.

CaptChaos Mon 18-Mar-13 19:46:59

hair I know how that one goes, it's a horrible shock to learn that your 'normal' upbringing was anything but.

I knew my mother was different from other mothers, but now I see that she is just the same as all these other ones, that all these other people have survived, that I'm not alone with my feelings of fear, isolation and poor self esteem. It has been refreshing to see others that have come through with strength and courage, and to be able to see that that can be me too. That I don't have to follow the shitty script that was written for me.

The scary part will be finding out who I am, when I am not being informed by my mother, SiL and 2 x narc EX's who I am. That is something I am going to need help with.

I tried to gas myself in my car a few years ago, mother came to see me in A&E as she was my NOK. She sighed, a huffed and eventually said 'I really have no idea why you have absolutely no self esteem'. At the time, not funny, now, hysterically so.

RobinOgg Mon 18-Mar-13 20:00:39

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Mon 18-Mar-13 20:20:55

By 19 I was seriously depressed and feeling really desperate after years of her shit. I hadn't been able to work for a couple of months because if it. She berated me daily about sorting myself out and get a job. She wasn't prepared to support me just lazing around.

When I told her I felt suicidal and need help, she said 'well I don't know why, you've got such lovely hair.' WTF?!

I found a therapist & she went on and on about what a load of rubbish counselling was and that they would only blame her....

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Mon 18-Mar-13 20:50:09

Gunznroses I don't think anyone means it hurtfully - it's more of a 'Wow, RESPECT to you for still standing after all that!' At least that's how I read it anyway. There may be people out there going 'Nyer nyer, my mum was less narc-y than your mum' but I seriously doubt it.

I've had the 'Why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you give yourself a break?' talk too. From the woman who used to fly into a FURY if I asked her to repeat a mumbled incoherent instruction. When I was 4.

Sheesh hmm

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Mon 18-Mar-13 21:25:13

well this thread has been really enlightening for me. I had overheard my Wonderful wonderful nan (who i lived with for a while) saying that my mum was a nark. I thought it meant narky as in badtempered.

But now i know what she meant.

So much makes sense. I thought that she was just evil, but now i see its a personality disorder, i kind of feel sorry for her. (not enough to give her head space- but hey- thats self preservation for you!)

arthriticfingers Mon 18-Mar-13 21:34:56

Herren we are indeed still just standing.
Let's hear it for us!!!

Hareseeker Mon 18-Mar-13 21:36:35

When going through a divorce with an 18 month DD, DM said.....you don't understand how much your divorce has hurt me and you DF.

weegiemum Mon 18-Mar-13 21:40:05

MY mother enables her husband, who she ran away with 30 years ago, when I was 12.

Last time I spoke to her (9 years ago) she said "I hope [dd1] doesn't do to you what you did to me!"

I won't. I've got a really good relationship with my dd1 (with all my dc) and I'd never do what she did! Therefore she'll never do to me what I did to me and my siblings.

Dc and I are close, friends. Dh and I are very happily married after 18 years.

herrena, might be a good idea to give up the awards ceremony bit, like you said, and concentrate on narcs bingo cards grin

It would be hard work getting the narcs to the awards in the first place. You'd have to tell them why they were invited in the first place, as they don't like surprises do they? They like to be in control. Or they'd complain about having to make the effort to get there in the first place....Shame really, as a 'Tantrums and Tiaras' theme would have put Elton Johns in the shade....

Seriously though, as much as I try to see the funny side of the narcissism, it saddens me, cathartic as the thread is.

arthriticfingers, mrsmindcontrol and akaemmafrost: just awful that you've had to deal with physical abuse as well as the narcissism. Words are not enough. angry angry sad

Remember none of this is our fault. None of it. Never has been, never will be.

arthriticfingers Mon 18-Mar-13 21:52:38

You are right, of course, crushed they would not turn up if were we inviting them
two of toxic mother's many excuses:
'Oh my back!' (used for years until miraculously cured when she discovered her 'knee' which has worked for her - both knee and excuse wink - for many years now)
Can't - I might have to visit xxx (friend who lived 100s of miles away and who died without my mother ever visiting her)

queenofthepirates Mon 18-Mar-13 22:05:43

DM 'It's a shame you bf didn't love you enough to have babies with you'

Ummm yes thanks mum.....

I had been wondering whether my "friend" (recently estranged wife of good friend) was a narcissist. This conversation clinched it:
CSM: How's your Mother (aged 87, had bad cold week before)?
"Friend": Worried about her daughter.

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord Mon 18-Mar-13 22:42:57

My M "why should you get to go out when I can't" well mother because I'm working, I'm old enough and I don't have a 10yo daughter (my younger sister) to look after. This was mild for her.

She once beat me up in front of one of her (many) boyfriends. He was so horrified he dumped her there and then. That was then my fault so I got another beating hmm I was 15.

She was a violent twisted bully.

She also once told me that she had pnd after having me and thats why she always struggled with a relationship with me. confused

I don't have a clue who my father is. I have asked her for information numerous times and been given different variations of names and dates of birth. one day when I was asking again she told me to f*ck off to Jeremy Kyle.

I haven't spoken to her for 7 years now. Bliss grin

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord Mon 18-Mar-13 22:51:47

Oh yeah just remembered her best line.

She threw a glass bottle at me splitting my head open. "Its your fault you ran in the wrong direction" I was 7 years old. I don't know what bullshit we told the hospital but it certainly wasn't the truth.

arthriticfingers Mon 18-Mar-13 23:03:41

incognito sad at what you have been through (but I did like the "Its your fault you ran in the wrong direction") Have we all ended up with a twisted sense of humour?

Forgot to add that the excuse:

Can't - I might have to visit xxx (friend who lived 100s of miles away and who died without my mother ever visiting her)

was used regularly when I suggested she might like to see my children whom she did not see from year to year - I will add that, when I suggested a visit, I did not specify a month, let alone a day - just a suggestion it was ...

Willdoitinaminute Mon 18-Mar-13 23:03:45

I was incredibly proud of my slightly narcissistic DH when he finally told his very narcissistic M how he felt about a family situation after nearly 10 yrs of it eating away at him. He was so calm, very unlike him and the reason he had never confronted her before. It is unlikely to have made an impression on her but he feels much better for having done it.

Pendeen Mon 18-Mar-13 23:10:47

"I know why now he always preferred my sisters to me. Because of my skin. No unconditional love there then."

Not sure what to make of that?

tb Mon 18-Mar-13 23:16:14

I was just thinking, about having each narc at their own table at a wedding reception, and have thought up another 'not so small' refinement.

It would be really evil - and only to be done it you were breaking all contact after a wedding, but -

how about letting the narc 'dm' have her way - book everything where she wants, venue, menu etc, invite all her friends - and then just piss off with your intended and a couple (or more) of your own friends and have your wedding where you want, and how you want?

When dh and I got married, we did discuss (briefly) getting married in the church I'd gone to some 50 miles away from home. I was on the electoral roll there so it would have been possible.

Cue dm "If you get married in Manchester your father won't be going and I won't be going either".

She was really mean, too. For example, if a recipe serving 4 needed a tin of tomatoes and she was doing half, she'd put half a tin of tomatoes in the fridge where it would go mouldy. Once at our house for the weekend, we had bolognese and my poor df remarked 'that was really tasty'. Cue dm in a squawk worthy of the café owner in Monty Python's Spam Song "It was only mince".

Another time - might have been the same weekend - feeling like throwing up during a very heavy period - I was peeling grapes do make Sole Veronique for dinner. Inbetween the grape peeling I was waiting on her hand and foot - and dinner was a little late. Said with a sniff "A ham sandwich would have done".

Think that was the same weekend she walked into the house, plonked her arse down on the settee and said "I'm not going to do a thing all weekend" - she was true to her word, too grin

I did think of getting my dm to sign the form - in the guise of witnessing my signature - to leave her body to medical science. Then after she died, there would have been no funeral, and all the people who didn't know her would have been saying what a wonderful thing she'd done, leaving her body to science. She'd have probably ended up on a slab being dissected by a hung over medical student. Otoh, they might have found something really strange from a physiological pov, which could have been quite interesting - missing heart for example. A counsellor I was seeing at the time thought it was brilliant and said that revenge fantasies are very good therapeutically.

The week before I was 19 I broke off my engagement - to a narc, natch. The Sunday was Mothering Sunday, and so I went home on the Saturday morning to give her a card/present and to tell my parents I was no longer engaged. When I told dm her only comment was "I wish I'd done the same thing".

And breathe - the cost of psychotherapy has already passed the £20k cost and is ongoing - but this is quite good fun even though it's sad for all of us that it's necessary.

aroomofherown Tue 19-Mar-13 01:36:37

I love the narc reception - the prize should be "for the most offended" or something. With the prize that they can't change! Fabulous! grin

It's my mother in my case. And two ex-friends and an ex-boyfriend. Guess it just felt familiar to be controlled and put down. This thread has been cathartic to read even though some of the stories are hideous and hurtful sad

My exBF was the worst of the narcs though. Would always argue the toss about anything just to prove he was right, even though he was so obviously wrong eg using the word 'scale' to talk about a growing business: he didn't know the word in that context so it was wrong of course. Googled it, I was right. He then said that everyone else was ignorant to use that word like that because in his industry it didn't mean that and it would just confuse everybody. This went on for about 10 mins, told him I was tired of this conversation and was going to bed, and he said, "You've never been very good at dealing with things". Oh do fuck off. I see you for what you are now.

Lavenderhoney Tue 19-Mar-13 05:10:16

I stood up to my dm once years ago and this thread reminded me. I was driving her and she was complaining at me how I never did anything right, always made wrong decisions, etc etc etc.

I suddenly burst out " I've had enough of this!" And I started listing all the main things - like getting top in maths and me rushing home to tell her and being told to shut up as she was watching the telly, telling me at 8 I was too old for a kiss goodnight ( never had any physical contact since) having to go to hospital at 18 with unexplained stomach pains, turmed out to be stress- and her being worried people would think I was having an abortion ( wtf?) not having a bf/ not keeping a bf/ not being married/ etc etc.

She started holding her hands over her ears and shouting to stop the car she didn't have to listen. I refused and carried on. She got out at the lights and walked off. I stopped the car and shouted " get back in, it's miles home" and she just stomped along the verge. So I drove off, went home, told my df where she was and went out.

If anything went wrong in my life I never told her. What's the point? It's just, in her words " attention seeking"

Nothing changedsad

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Tue 19-Mar-13 07:07:59

Incognitoisthehardestword - My M "why should you get to go out when I can't"

SNAP! My M would look more and more sullen if I was invited out by our neighbour's kids (this was in summer holidays in another country - she didn't know anyone other than family) until I would ask what was wrong. "Well maybe I would like to go out too!"

I honestly wondered if I was meant to invite her along.... smile

Bertrude Tue 19-Mar-13 09:14:32

This thread has had me laughing in a very nervous laughter sort of way rather than a funny-laughter. How these people can think this is acceptable/normal/appropriate is beyond me. The number of times I've been looking at the screen thinking 'But, but, really they think they can say that?!' Seriously, hats off to all of you for getting to the stage of identifying the sheer wrongness of it all.

My ex was minor league in comparison and thankfully I could escape easier as he was a boyfriend and not family, however I was with him from 15-20 so at a very impressionable time. Some stand-out moments/comments from him:

1. Have you brushed your teeth? Said in front of my whole family when we were on our way to a wedding. I was 19 and had managed to do that all by myself for about 17 years

2. If you don't stop your whining, I'll tell her you left him out as bait. Regarding me being devastated to find my sister's pet rabbit half-eaten by a fox whilst she was away.

3. Convincing me that I was out of order when I suggested we move into our house a day later than planned. The reason I wanted to wait a day? It was my grandmother's funeral that day and I thought it might be better to be near my mum. Cue him: 'But you're leaving home - you can't be controlled by your mother's feelings forever'.

4. Upon dumping me 'You've got so fat, no man will ever want to shag you'. I was a 12-14 at the time. Now I have a lovely husband who still rather enjoys shagging me at a 16-18.

5. We had a housephone at mums which recorded the last 20 missed calls. I was out (at 6th form!) and my mobile battery had died. He constantly called the house phone so that his number was all 20 missed calls so I knew how pissed off he was that he couldn't contact me.

6. I dared suggest I might go out on a Friday night with my sister and some of her friends. 'That's fine, no problem, but you'd best make sure the house is clean before I get home'. Every Friday he went and did his chosen sport's training session and got home at 10:30. Every Friday, he got home and the house was spotless. I never dared go anywhere.

7. He wasn't happy when I got my first job because I would come home talking about blokes I'd met at work. Guess what he did. He got a job there too. He dumped me about 3 months after I left the company for a much better job and it wasn't somewhere he could follow me to.

I've been reading through all this looking to see if I recognise ex's younger sister in all of this because their parents were very much like this. He was aggressive - I always suspected DV but never knew as a fact but have since had those suspicions aired by independents too - and she was very enabling. Nobody was allowed to talk to him for an hour when he got in from work. If he was on nights, nobody was allowed in the house in the day so they all went out before he got home at 9am on weekends. They invited my parents round for dinner and he was so vile to her all evening because she had got the posh dinner service out, that my parents refused to go round again ever. When ex and his siblings were 19,16 and 14, they would eat fish fingers, oven chips and sweetcorn at the breakfast bar in the kitchen for dinner and the parents would have a home-cooked from scratch fancy meal with a bottle of wine an hour later every night, and the 'children' only ate in the dining room at Christmas, Easter and birthdays even as older teenagers. Nobody - even visitors - was allowed to use the downstairs toilet as it would need cleaning. There was no lock on the bathroom door because 'it would encourage spending more time than necessary in there'. They accepted this as normal at the time. Not that I'm letting Ex off, but I suppose he didn't stand a chance of becoming a normal bloke when he had his father as a role model.

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 09:23:10

*Lavender" Snap! grin

I can remember driving my mother into town to go shopping for dresses at Richard Shops - Easter 92. I should have been revising for an exam on the Monday, so obviously on the Saturday morning off we went. She tried on every bloody dress they had in her size - especially the ones I had at the time. In the end, after what felt like several hours, she left without buying anything.

Anyway, I digress! On the way there, we were coming to a roundabout, and the 20 mins of the journey had been a constant diatribe of sentences beginning "Your father ......". I don't know where it came from, but I suddenly plucked up the courage to say that she seemed to forget he was my father. Without missing a beat I got the question "Well, what did he ever do for you? I paid your school fees, I bought your clothes."

For a start, he was a decent, honest and honourable man - so he passed those things on to me, and without which we would have never sold our home to go and live with the bitch.

Sadly, I didn't have the nerve to say that bit.

I've since found out that when they got engaged, there was some talk of a shot-gun wedding. My cousin - 10 years older than me was only about 8 at the time and he can remember some hushed wispers. The ring was duly bought - df had a budget of £100 - the only one she liked cost £110 - bearing in mind this was 1954 it was a hell of a lot of money. Once the ring was on her finger, I bet she told him it was a false alarm - and she'd have sued him for breach of promise if he'd broken it off. Poor bugger.

toomanyfionas Tue 19-Mar-13 09:23:44

When I told mother about the family GP abusing me as a child:

"Such a shame you let these little things from the past worry you"

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 09:28:02

toomany sad

Lifesagame Tue 19-Mar-13 09:33:54

Not quite in the same league as some of the others but still left me speechless ..... phoned DM after my first scan for DS2 to say all was ok and he was due the end of November. Her first words in response... "oh, you won't want me for Christmas dinner then?"

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 09:42:25

Don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes I get a glimpse of the person I could have been, if I hadn't had my 'd'm as a mother. The person I will never be, who could have achieved something.

It almost seems a bit like a head injury causing brain damage - I'm not meaning to cause offence if anyone has someone close who's suffered something like that. It's almost as if, just occasionally, and only very briefly, the fog clears and I get an infinitely small glimpse of what I could have done.

My 'd'm's sole comment on my 14 years at school came when I was 15 or 16. We were having lunch, and it was the last day of term, so I'd come home with my school report. My df asked my 'd'm if there was anything interesting in it and she told him my maths had gone down by 5%. I'm not boasting, but I'd got 88%. Oh well, stopped me getting ideas above my station, didn't it.

fuzzpig Tue 19-Mar-13 09:42:53

I'm paraphrasing to get the info across, but:

My mum: "Don't prosecute my brother for having sexually abused you, he'll never cope in prison"

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 09:46:28

fuzzpig why not report the bastard now, if he's still alive?

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 09:55:54

Blimey, fuzzpig <waves tentatively> You could press charges now.

I can't see your username as on tablet, but I also had a similar reaction to getting a B once in maths, instead of the usual As. My mum then reminded my dad that I had been put a year ahead for maths.hmm

She did, however, make me apologise to him for making him so angry he attacked me and I ran away barefoot through the village. My crime? Using the word 'bollocks' at the dinner table.

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 09:57:08

Don't know if anyone remember the peanuts cartoon where he had a chainsaw and was attacking a computer screen with the words "compute that!". While we were living with 'd'm, I failed some important work exams.

I'd gone out at 6am to try and find a copy of the paper with the results in, and due to a tapas evening that had begun with about 1/4 pt of sherry and continued with rioja, wasn't feeling too well. Trying to read the very small print, looking for my name with a crushing headache wasn't too good. When I realised I'd failed, I had this sudden vision of going into her bedroom and cleaving her skull neatly - mustn't be untidy - between the ears with a good sharp axe. Would have been very satisfying grin Didn't do it, though.

While we were there, she left a copy of Woman+Home out open at a competition to win a conservatory. It was one of those where you have to put things in order and then say in 10 words why you want a conservatory. She'd drafted several 10 word slogans, and although it's a very slight exaggeration, her tie-breaking phrase was along the lines of "I'd sit in my conservatory attached to my house and look at my garden".

Seriouslysleepdeprived Tue 19-Mar-13 10:08:10

Far too many hmm

When I left home, the cat became the scapegoat. She would scream and shout at him all day long for existing. Eventually all his hair fell out and he died of a nervous breakdown, poor thing.

She then cried for month about how devastated she was. She even bought a statue of him to put in the garden.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 10:09:27

Yes, tb I expect that would have been a jolly satisfying revenge fantasy.

Starting a separate revenge fantasy thread might end up a little disturbing...?

... but I used to have vivid dreams about strangling my father when he'd come home with a new computer and we "couldn't afford" various other things. His gadgets obviously came out of a separate pot of magical money. If anyone ever called him on it you could see the confusion and bewilderment in his eyes..it simply did not register as a real, valid point. I sometimes pity him.

Completely at random when my son was about 4 weeks old:
"Never peel an orange near his eyes."
I wasn't eating an Orange at the time. That was the only Parenting advice i ever got.

"Oh. I knew it would happen sooner or later and he'd get fed up." after my bf dumped me and i travelled over 200 miles back with one suitcase and had to sit in the back garden and wait for her to return, heartbroken.

"The only way you'll ever get a man is if you take your knickers off" when i was 14 and she'd read my Diary. Never forgotten that cracker!

"You should have married someone with a better job then you wouldn't have to go back to work." to me on my first day leaving my DS with her. I work jobshare.

"Where are all your friends? You're not very popular are you? Not that i'm surprised." on the day of my Graduation when i specifically booked a meal for her and didn't go to the pub and have fun with my friends like i should have.

What kind of childhoods did they all have? What makes them this way do you think? Are they just born like that confused

RivalSibling Tue 19-Mar-13 10:10:15

I don't think my mother is a narcissist but she does lack empathy and doesn't always appreciate the impact her words or actions might have on others. I think she 'projects' a lot of her own experiences on to a situation.

So, for example, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger who attacked me without warning in the street when I was 11. She reassured me by telling me that something similar had nearly happened to her and her twin sister when they were 13, but they had 'spoken to him' and shamed him into leaving them alone. Leaving me feeling like I should have been able to stop him...

She assured me recently that she doesn't need to have a close relationship with me (her only daughter) because she comes from a large family - this is when I was upset at being left out of a meal which involved the wider family. It doesn't seem to occur to her that they are also my family, so I don't really know them very well.

When I split from my ex- she said, "Well, I always got on very well with him". Thoughtless! He charmed her (as he did me) but turned out to be a rat. However, she liked being charmed. He was very selfish and after many, many disappointments I once said to her that I just wanted to be put first occasionally, like when I was ill, or on my birthday, and she responded, "well, you can't ALWAYS be first!" and went on and on about it as if I was the most selfish person in the world. I think she was one of those old school women who thought their job was to please their men. She is exactly the same with my SiL who she expects to support my brother unconditionally - any hint of my SiL wanting things to be different or even spending time with her own family is 'being demanding'.

akaemmafrost Tue 19-Mar-13 10:10:46

I did one of those involuntary shocked laughs at the statue of the cat shock.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 10:33:17

Seriously I can't believe a cat died of a nervous breakdown because of your mum!

I mean, I can. But WTF?

I find that (and the fact that all its hair fell out) so so shocking. Almost like it is physical proof that these people are that bad, if that makes sense? I mean, I know they are bad. I know the psychological problems they create ruin lives or at least take enormous effort to mitigate.

But she killed a cat by shouting at it. No wonder some of us are so fucked up (or whatever you want to call it) - we've had to adopt such extreme tactics just to survive. I think I'm having a bad day today as this has suddenly all got to me.

Okay, sorry, back to the funnies please. Bring it on. I can take it. Fuckers.

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 11:42:30

"Don't prosecute my brother for having sexually abused you, he'll never cope in prison"
Well, result! (?)

As someone else asked, could you still report?
Or have you?

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 11:44:24

Seriously the year after we'd spent 6 months living with my 'd'm our cat was diagnosed with the equivalent of AIDS. The vet said that they'd never seen a cat develop it at the age of 7. Coco scratched up little bits of fluff from the edge of a carpet and dm collected them and left them on the sideboard for weeks....

....along with 3 oranges we'd bought and that had started to go mouldy. When that happened she carefully put cling-film between 'our' oranges and her fruit so that it didn't get contaminated. The weekend before we moved out, when she came back from 8am Communion, we kept hearing a pitter patter. Eventually we got up, and (we were confined to the servants' quarters on the second floor) and found our things on each of the treads - including the mouldy oranges, my guide handbook, my bush-hat from guide camp (some 20 years before) etc etc. Can't remember if she remembered the little pile of carpet fluff.

The weekend we moved, we went back after work to collect the cat, and when she got to the new house, she was so relaxed she stretched out on the carpet with her paws crossed in front of her - just like a Maine Coon. When she died about 2 years later, we got a Maine Coon who looked just like her.

I've never forgiven her for killing the cat angry

The same year she told my my aunt thought I was despicable and never wanted to talk to me again as long as she lived. She told my aunt the same thing. In 2006 I made contact with my aunt and to punish her for talking to me, my dm made a will, left where it could be found, and it caused my aunt to have the final stroke that killed her. All because she dared to disobey my dm and speak to me. We all (me, dh, dd and my uncle) think my mother killed her sister. Don't know if 'dm' will need heating where she is now - not judging - but I would imagine it's rather warm grin

Either that, or sitting on a soggy cloud for the last year or so has given her horrendous piles (fingers crossed) grin grin

fuzzpig Tue 19-Mar-13 11:53:22

No lueji - I was 13 when she said it, I had recently revealed the abuse that had happened throughout early childhood. Far too late now. He was arrested and questioned as my teacher had called the police/SS but I had no support to take it further. He'd denied it obviously although later admitted it to their mum (my grandma). My mum still sees him sometimes, she doesn't know I know hmm

My narc Farther likes to centre everything around his eventual death, he has told his wife that no one is to know when he finally pops his clogs and to just bury him, fine by mine, I won't have the hassle of dealing with his funeral.

All contact with him always involves 'i'll be dead soon', he's 63 years old, had a major stroke that has failed to finish him off, and have lost any hope in that he will leave this mortal coil any time soon.

After many years I have learnt not to engage with him when he starts, sometimes choosing to ignore his comments, other times telling what he does not want to hear.

One christmas day, when the kids were enjoying themselves playing with their new toys and i was enjoying watching them, he phoned, not to wish us a merry xmas or to talk to his GC, but to point out that i was a bad DD, the usual 'I'll be dead soon' was uttered, this time instead of making him the centre of my world as he wanted, I replied 'Thats okay, if you do, I'll prop you up in a corner and carry on with what I'm doing'.

Knowing that my reactions are not what he wants to hear he tries it with my daughter, but she has been well trained by me and is pretty good at coming out with the (what he calls) the smart arse comments.

When he had his stroke, i spent a lot of time crying, for what I couldn't work out, I felt guilty but i understood it wasn't because i wanted to see him and make amends, i finally realised my guilt was because I didn't care, he meant nothing, I believed that because i was his daughter that i should have felt something, but i didn't. Once i had worked out that the guilt was unneccesary, i quite happily moved on.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 12:09:59

Binky hopefully your father has written his own eulogy, as mine has.

Oh no, wait, your father doesn't want a funeral envy

He might not want a funeral but I'm sure his ego wouldn't allow him to die without an eulogy, but if he wants one he can write it his bloody self!

Is it wrong of me to think that instead of keep talking about it he should just get on and do it?

(this is proving to be quite theraputic, DH left last night so I'm not having a good day but writing the last post has put me in a slightly better mood)

DogEgg Tue 19-Mar-13 12:38:52

Oh Binky, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 12:39:02

Binky - sorry to hear it is a rough time. But yes, this thread is amazingly therapeutic.

I just don't know anyone except my dad who would even consider writing their own eulogy. I mean, that is crazy, right? Aren't people supposed to find nice things to say at the funeral? Isn't that the whole point of a eulogy? Yes - I just looked it up on Wikipedia.

I still find myself genuinely searching for explanations of his behaviour sometimes, even though I KNOW there is no point. He is simply ridiculous. And should be laughed at. grin

I think when he does go, I'll be crying about how sad it is that he was such a tosser and hurt us all so much and could never, never change. Because that is genuinely sad.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Tue 19-Mar-13 12:42:21

I know - the cat thing was terrible. i had forgotten about it until this thread. It is such a clear example of the impact this sort of stuff has but I didn't really see it at the time.

i have psychical signs from the stress of it all. I had really awful psoriasis for years until I moved aboard and it miraculously cleared up. I also have an auto immune disorder which is known to be triggered by stress, along with the usual mental health issues of course...

Tbh is only now in my mid 30's I'm starting to realise it's actually her not me. Thank god for MN!

I'm not sure if I'm ok, still trying to process stuff, I am wondering wether to open up on here but I have a headache from the last bout of crying.

I think when my dad does finally go, i will be upset not because my dad is dead but because my dad never lived, my grief will be for what could have been.

I no longer look for explanations for his behaviour as there is none, nor do I try to adjust my behaviour to please him, it never will. The only way I have found to get through the 'stuff' is to look at it as an outsider, and to never give him an emotional reaction. It took years to get to this point, he sometimes still has an effect but i never show him.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 13:11:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Tue 19-Mar-13 13:24:04

Blinky that's terrible. All these things are so hurtful. Having to constantly internalise everything that happens does manifest itself psychically. I have no doubt that at all.

I'm sorry my car story has brought back bad memories. Really hope you're ok.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Tue 19-Mar-13 13:27:09

Also sorry for the spelling errors!

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 13:32:50

Seriously you do NOT need to apologise!

I have had LOTS of therapy to help me figure out what is going on in my head and it has given me tools to help me process these memories when they come back with force. It is all part of getting over it.

The statue bit is just priceless.

Soundwave84 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:35:00

My sister is a narc too. She made some wonderfully helpful comments after I had DS2 hmm(difficult pregnancy, quite sickly all the way thru and at hospital every 5 minutes for tests and stuff) We were at mums for tea and she said to everyone that she "never wanted to have babies because she didn't want to get postnatally fat like me."
It got so bad with the wonderful mum and sister tag team and their enabler in the form of my useless lump of dad, that my already present OCD developed into an eating disorder.
Much crapness ensued, with mum confronting my husband at his place of work, in front of all our friends and demanding to know why he had driven me to it and that she would fight him if he put me in hospital.
Then they came to the house and said I should leave him because it was all his fault, he wanted me to be ill so he could stay at home on benefits while he looked after me. W.T.F!? ( both worked at same place and they were incredibly supportive, allowed compassionte leave and a flexible work schedule for appointments etc)
Then the big show...my MIL died and it all got too much, I tried to do away with myself and when my husband called my mum to ask if she could look after the kids for the afternoon while everything calmed down she screamed down the phone at me " How dare you do this to me just before I leave for work? I can't go out upset like this, it's not fair!" And she duly handed the phone to narc sister who said- and this burned more than anything- "If you want mum to look after your kids, you'll have to start paying her."
Okay, now I made myself feel bad. sad What's worse is narc sis is now expecting her first baby and DM is all over her like a rash, perfect baby perfect daughter blah blah blah.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 13:38:25

Aw, soundwave, that is terrible.

arthriticfingers Tue 19-Mar-13 13:41:22

building sad sad That is such a sad story.
I was the first person to go to university in my family, and did so on a full grant (those were the days!)
Guess who refused to come to my graduation because my father had given me 100£ to pay off my overdraft ... sad - how could I possible have done such an evil terrible thing as to take 'all that money'??? - I had not even asked - my father had offered
Oh, and my family moved abroad the summer I was 18.
It was probably the happiest summer of my life.
They were supposed to have emigrated for good!
I can still hear my nan's voice in the September telling me over the phone that they were all coming back.
I sometimes wonder if I could have broken free if they had not come back sad

buildingmycorestrength Tue 19-Mar-13 13:45:50

arthritic How dare you take all that money ...that he offered? Gosh, how awful of you! hmm

Yes, I went into therapy for the first time when my family moved back. I basically ended up in bed for about two weeks unable to move.

But I do actually feel relatively free of them now thanks to therapy. I am not NC, I still see them and they still manage to annoy me, but they don't have that hold on my anymore. I have perspective, and a life of my own. And I can laugh my socks off at some of their more bonkers utterances.

kateissotired Tue 19-Mar-13 14:42:12

I did not think I had a narc mother but reading this I am not sure. I had an mc a few years ago and she said she was very sorry, but then did not want to talk about it again as it was too upsetting, she then took a day off work as it had upset her so much.

arthriticfingers Tue 19-Mar-13 14:46:02

sound just read your post. sad sad sad

evaeoin Tue 19-Mar-13 15:10:10

my M always insults me - its practically her hobby. but yest my dd aged 4yrs asked her for help with her colouring and my M says to her "its ok your mam isnt the sharpest knife in the drawer either"

furbaby Tue 19-Mar-13 19:43:19

Thank you so very much smile after living with a toxic sis for all my 44 years I have realised I am not alone .
It did start with me in hospital after sis fed me tablets when I was a baby so maybe this started this bad relationship .
When we were at school together (she is 2 years older) she told me not to tell anyone we were sisters . She went on to blank me whenever we met at school sad
When I had my dd at 20 my mum said my sis was crying when she found out and said I had ruined the family .
She has never sent my dd bday or xmas card or present .
Roll on 25 years and dd has 3 dc of her own , my parents and dp and I adore them and very proud but when around sister no one mentions my dd or her family so as not to upset sis ( she has no dc as she does, nt like them ) . Every family function involves my sis almost waving me away as she has finished telling me how great she is sad
The icing on the cake was when my mum told me the other day that my sis and her dh were writing wills and had no family to leave there huge house too but wanted to keep it in the family.
Well as my dd is her only niece does she not get a thought . Not grabbing , hand on heart , but just suprised that as my dd and her dc are our whole familys next 2 generations down why did, nt she even give them a thought .
Thanks guys for first time in life I realise its her problem NOT mine smile

tb-love the wedding idea, hee hee, wish I could turn the clock back, at the thought of getting married elsewhere on the same day grin

And saying she wouldn't attend if you got married in Manchester. Pfffft..cheeky old bag angry

(a bit of a clue as to where I live grin ).

sounds - I feel for you, my youngest dsis was the perfect child, and produced a perfect granddaughter for her. Mum fell in love with gdaughter at first sight, but went beyond the boundaries of grandmothers 'favourite'. Mum wanted complete control over her gdaughter and it caused many rows. My dsis is estranged from the family and my niece doesn't speak to her mum. Mum got what she wanted. Yet my dsis was her favourite once......

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 21:39:47

crushed would have been Birch don't know if that's your neck of the woods - the thing that really got me was the 'your father won't be going etc'. I don't think it's a church any more now - it was fairly near to Owen's Park.

'Twas the same over wedding cars - we lived a quick 4 mins dash down the entry from the church, didn't really see the point of paying for 2 huge Austin Princesses - the huge black weddingy-type ones just for going round the block. It was the same - your father ie I'm not walking to church as she couldn't have given a flying one how he and I got to the church.

I can remember the reception - "let me see your ring again. No, I don't like white gold" as if she had to reassure me how much she didn't like the ring we chose together.

tb, is that the Fallowfield area, near Owens Park?

I don't know the area very well, to be honest, apart from the Christie hospital, which I know is very near, having visited a couple of times recently. My dad was born and brought up in Withington, so knows a bit about the area. I live on t'other side, the northern part of Manchester, near Bury.

I can't believe the self entitlement of some people, can you? My mum would have done the same, never in a million YEARS would she walk anywhere if she didn't have to. Sorry for calling her a cheeky old bag, it wasn't my place blush.

Sorry the church has gone, sounds like it meant something special to you.

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 23:54:00

Crushed yes, just off Wilmslow Road, opposite Platt fields, but not quite as far out as the toast rack. Just after the end of the curry mile.

tb Tue 19-Mar-13 23:59:57

Crushed cheeky old bag isn't the half of it.

I've just remembered another one. I was about 17 and she was having a good moan. I can remember saying about something "It isn't my problem", meaning that I couldn't advise - not being 'clever' or anything. Next thing, she'd given me an almighty backhander across the face.

I said that if she ever did that again, I'd hit her back. A few years later, she did, and I hit back blush Funnily enough, she never said anything to my df - had she done so, he'd have played hell with me. She must have felt guilty.

Llareggub Wed 20-Mar-13 00:21:46

After separating from my sometimes abusive alcoholic exH, and struggling with 2 young DCs, 150 miles from family, juggling a mental full-time job, bailiffs and debt nightmare from the lies my ex told, plus his continual suicide attempts, I had a mini breakdown and was prescribed ADs.

My mother, when hearing the full story, asked why I was so upset.

llaregubb, its unbelievable isn't it, how they trivialise other people's problems, yet their own are exaggerated. How DO they do it?

tb, sounds like you stunned her when you hit her back. Maybe thats what they need. An unexpected, loud, short, sharp shock in response.

Did she go back to being a narc after that?

ChairmanWow Wed 20-Mar-13 08:46:01

My mum and stepdad are a right pair. They live in their own little world and everything revolves around them. There have been numerous but my two faves are:

My mum asked me to hold DS's first birthday party at my DB's house (an hour away) because they don't like driving to my house. Not so easy for DH's family, and all of our friends to get to though, mum. Cue much sulking and calls from her to DB accusing me of being awkward.

My parents had a difficult relationship and split up when I was 9. Dad died 3 years later. DB and I were banned from talking about him and all photos of him were removed from the house. Stepdad was on the scene by this point so I suspect it was driven by him, though mum seemed happy to comply. So, 2 weeks before my wedding mum phones and asks me what's going in the groom's speech. I tell her it's a secret. She then asks me not to mention my dad at all at the wedding because they would just prefer it that way. Totally ignored my, DB's and all my dad's relatives' feelings. So of course I wrote a gushing piece about what a great dad he'd been and how much we all miss him for DH to read out. I was denied the right to grieve for him when he died so this small payback was the least I could do.

I read some of the early posts out of curiosity, not thinking they had any particular relevance to me personally.
I now realise I have been surrounded by narcs for most of my life, and am starting attempts to extricate myself from marriage to one sad

tb Your post about exam results gave me a flashback. I was 14 and got 98% in a Maths test. I skipped home thinking that male parent (can't say DF) would finally be pleased with me. I got a sneer and ... so why couldn't you get 100% then? angry

Is the exam thing part of the Narc script?

I once got 100% in a maths exam, it was 20 years later when I found out though, my dad had kept all the school reports. I remember the year when I sat those exams, i got the bollocking of my life because I only got 80% in geography, there was no mention of 100%. The previous year I got 98% in maths, the only reason I knew this was because at school, the day after the parents got the results, we had to redo what we had done wrong, I answered 2 questions.

I don't remember my father being proud of any of my achievements, he either ignored them like above or took my achievement for himself. It was because of him that i gained my qualifications, the way he spoke you would think he did the revision and sat the exam.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 09:15:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 09:24:20

Binky how are you today? sad

Yes, I think exams a tangible, quantifiable way of the child never being "good enough". I also think they find it threatening when you do do well, so they ignore or dismiss those results.

I'm sure, in retrospect, that my dad was massively threatened by the university I went to, which led to all kinds of dysfunctional behaviours including the moving overseas with no warning and not wanting to see me graduate.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 09:25:18

OMG and yyy to taking the achievement for themselves! I knew that he was only 'proud' of me because of what he could tell people.

akaemmafrost Wed 20-Mar-13 09:43:35

I hit my Mum back too. I got married young wonder why aged 19. About two weeks before the wedding she hit me in face in the kitchen over some ridiculously minor thing, can't even remember what, my Dad and my fiancee were sitting in the next room watching tv together and I suddenly thought "I am getting married in two weeks, how DARE you?!". And I grabbed her and threw her back across the kitchen, she came at me again and I did it again and she fell down. I was quite calm actually and I kept repeating "I am 19 years old, I am getting married in two weeks, you are not going to hit me again". I think if I hadn't done that she'd still be hitting me now. I am glad I did it too.

building I have no idea how I am, i think if I ask myself that question I might just crumble, so I'm ignoring it and distracting myself, but lonely keeps popping up in my head.

Dad (i hate using that word, to me he isn't, he hasn't earned that title) was threatened because he felt stupid, success for others meant failure to him, it pointed out his inadequecies, ignoring or taking the achievement for himself, kept him in the place he felt he should be.

I do remember fondly one of the few times I fought back. He, yet again, was trying to make sure I knew my place, he was insulting my intelligence and appearance, I got up to leave, he shot up from the sofa to smack me one, the dog, who had also been told life revolved around the lord and master, shot up from his hiding place and took a chunk out of dads leg. I by this time had shot out of the house. it was only when I returned home and saw the dog locked in the coal shed, for his safety (my dad would have killed him) was I told by my mother, smirking whilst she told me, that the dog had bitten him. The dog was left alone after that and Dad behaved himself in front of the dog.

My mother thankfully began to make plans to leave after that incident, she understood then that Dad had overstepped the line she had drawn.

akaemmafrost Wed 20-Mar-13 09:52:24

Fabulous dog smile.

DogEgg Wed 20-Mar-13 10:11:54

Just remembered a peach - My Mum often told me from an early age that the reason her teeth were bad was because I stole all her calcium when I was in the womb.

TruthSweet Wed 20-Mar-13 11:28:00

From my mother - 'You really are getting fat, would you like a doughnut?'

'Your house is so messy, I don't know how you can bear to live like this. You really should be resting TS, it's not good for you to be doing things so soon after a seizure'.

I have epilepsy and DM ostensibly comes over to mind the children while I sleep off a seizure so DH can go to work (he takes elder DC to school then drives to DM's to bring her here). In reality she moans about the state of the house while I do housework & then she faffs about doing unnecessary things that don't help but never finishes so I have to sort out later. She won't just play with her DGD even when they ask as 'she has other things to do' (usually something like hanging up vests on clothes hangers & folding up dresses into piles so that I sort it out when she's gone homehmm).

I got told off yesterday for not posting my brother a birthday card, I have really bad PND, DD4 is in the midst of severe reflux/allergies/not sleeping, DD2 is starting to be assessed for ASD/depression/emotional problems as well as being on strong painkillers for HMS (she's 5y sad), I'm having issues with DD3's playschool re. her eczema & I'm struggling to keep on top of the washing/dishes/regular housework let alone do things like write my brother birthday cards & deep clean the house (I actually went out & bought a card, I just couldn't find the words to write in it nor could I remember his address [brain is fried atm]).

But I'm ungrateful.

LadyWoo Wed 20-Mar-13 11:31:42

My mother always used to just randomly say to me 'you're so weird' when I did things that were normal or that she didn't agree with.

I also got 'smacked' until I left home at the age of 21; shortly before I left home my father threw me across the kitchen floor as I was 'rude'. I hadn't been rude, merely disagreed with him.....

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Wed 20-Mar-13 12:04:37

I think exams are definitely in the script. I got my GCE results - nothing too impressive, 2As, 4Bs, 1C. Go on, guess what my mother said!!

I knew that (s)he was only 'proud' of me because of what he could tell people.

SNAP!

My lightbulb moment was when, after years of being called fat and useless by my M even though she insisted on me eating the treats she bought I went on a mega diet and lost loads of weight. She suddenly really liked me and was proud of me, because people complimented me on my looks. I was 16.5 and after I'd lapped up the attention for a bit, I realised what was going on. Never could respect her after that. 'Parents love you unconditionally' my arse!!

tb Wed 20-Mar-13 12:22:02

crushed think she was like all bullies - fight back, and they crumple. Yes, she did go back to being a narc.

After we cut contact - moved out, no forwarding address (except she got it from a replacement postman) ex-d phone no, we had 4 years of anonymous letters. We moved again, and the first weekend got a letter from somone offering to bring her over for afternoon-tea as she was upset because I wouldn't speak. I rang and put her straight about 'd'm's paedophile tendancies, with the punchline 'paedphiles are so very plausible, aren't they?'

Bugger me, if I didn't get another letter 2 days later apologising for bothering me grin

In 2000 we got another letter - at our new address, heaven knows how she got that one, addressed to us both, but inside 'dear tb and tb's df' about bygone's being bygone's now that it was a new millenium. Think it was demanding an apology rather than asking for one. She'd become friends with the deputy head of my old school after meeting at a French class, and I got a lovely parcel of baby things when I was about to have amnio while expecting dd. All completely anonymous, of course.

Unfortunately, someone fairly senior in hr at work had gone to the same school and possibly had passed on the fact that I was expecting. She did tell me it was very awkward not knowing how much she could say to dm. When she knew I'd been abused her response was "there always was something different about you, tb". The same school prides itself on its pastoral care and had refused a mention of the fact I was abused by the owner of a sweetshop less than 3 miles away - I bet I'm not the only victim from school. Will they publish anything in the newsletter?

No, they won't - it's not the sort of thing they want to get involved with. They don't want the name of the charitable trust that runs the school sullied by the fact that a former old girl was sexually abused as a child. Given that there were 800 girls at school, it's likely that between 200 and 300 were abused.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 12:23:07

truth that is really strange doublethink right in the same breath. Astonishing.

Herrena I know what you mean. My dad gave a speech at my wedding which was ALL about my academic achievements. Nothing about the real me, or my new husband! I was mortified and it wasn't false modesty or trying to downplay anything. It was because I knew what it was really going on behind those words.

musicismylife Wed 20-Mar-13 13:15:14

Do you know, I never realised that my mother possessed any of these qualities until reading this post. But a couple have sprung to mind:

When I was 17, pregnant but after termination, my mother told the whole family what I had done, cue two of my sisters (who I didn't get on with) coming down from London to 'console' me. Let me tell you, they never let that one lie and one of them still doesn't speak to me.

When I was pregnant with my now almost 3-year-old 'Well, don't expect me to babysit'.

I have four children now and none of them are particularly close to my mother but adore my father (doesn't take a rocket scientist....)

Coffeenowplease Wed 20-Mar-13 13:37:32

Yes yes I know you re upset because you re 13 and in a psychiatric unit all alone and you re sobbing on the phone (or words to that effect) but its not just you its been awful for me as well you know.
I cant sleep Im so anxious Ive had to have tablets from the doctor.

Bitch. Ive never forgiven my mother for that one.

Coffeenowplease Wed 20-Mar-13 13:38:08

You know if she read the above she wouldnt even realize it was about her and if she did she would deny it.

I've got thousands from my DM but I won't bore you with them all wink

She is a very well-spoken, beautiful, articulate woman, with the uncanny ability to tell outrageous untruths with not a hint of embarrassment.

'I'd fight like a tiger for my children' which was said to all and sundry while I was growing up, while all the time leaving her children with their violent, alcoholic father so she could continue her myriad extra-marital relationships.

On being confronted by her DD (me aged around 10) and shown the awful bruising caused by the same father, who was throwing punches which were meant for DM but of course she hid behind her children yet again - 'But it is illegal to hit your wife, not your children, so he is allowed to hit you. And anyway, it doesn't hurt you like it hurts me.'

That was her mantra, actually, when shown evidence that he had hurt the children 'It isn't so painful for you as it would be for me'.

When I took a serious overdose in my early teens, after charming the doctor with her wobbly lip and obvious motherly care and concern, she hissed in my ear as we went down the corridor 'You couldn't even get that right!' And pinched my arm, just so I'd know how annoyed she was with me.

She would also never recognise herself on here - she was a wonderful, loving mother and she would fight like a tiger for her children... grin

tb Wed 20-Mar-13 14:27:33

I was so bullied by my 'd'm when I was 16 that, one morning, just before my 'O' levels, I took about 25 paracetamol tablets. It's the only day I've ever felt free.

I'll never forget her honeyed tones on the phone "I'm sorry tb can't come to her organ lesson tonight, she's not very well. It must have been something she ate at school today".

She knew, but didn't get me any medical attention. Just as well, the GP was a bigotted narc who believed every lie she told about my df and about me. He didn't believe abuse exists - told me very patronisingly that 'there is such a thing as false memory, dear'. Funnily enough, he was a convert to the RC church from the CofE - probably was on the side of the Christian Brothers.

Mother dear was probably giving him blowjobs under the desk a la Lewinsky. She used to have a rather 'active' social life.

Oh, I took a second overdose in my mid-teens and my DM found me. She left me in bed for a week with no medical attention (because someone might ask questions) and told anyone who asked that I was having a hysterical 'turn' and being a drama queen. I mean, who goes to bed with hysterics for a week??

She was so plausable, that the headteacher suspended me from school for playing my poor mother up. The mind boggles.

She did me a favour really because it was a turning point in our relationship. I realised that, despite my childish hopes that she might love me deep down, she was never, ever going to care about me. She would have been perfectly content with having a deceased daughter, because she would have had all the attention and pity she craved.

arthriticfingers Wed 20-Mar-13 14:45:17

Laura Coffee tb sad sad sad sad
for all of us on this thread

Thanks athriticfingers -have a big hug back. Sod Bear Grylls - we are all survival experts on this thread smile

I have a more recent one. When she popped in for a few minutes to visit my youngest child several days after I came home from hospital, afterwards I had phone calls from all the family asking if I was ok?

She had regaled them all with a story about how I had shouted at her and how she felt I was obviously suffering from PND and so she had decided to keep away from me for a while until I was better.

DH, who had been in the room with us during my mother's flying visit, was utterly bewildered as all he could remember was me offering her coffee and cake and a hold of the baby - no shouting involved grin

And true to her word, she actually stayed away for about six months, bless her! I bet she thought I was devastated <couldn't have cared less!>

arthriticfingers Wed 20-Mar-13 15:05:14

That is the thing
All these outlandishly fruitcake things they say - and we actually sit and try to work out if/what we must have done!
We even fall for their screwed up logic.
If you had been suffering from PND, any mother worth her salt would have stayed and rallyed others to your support.
What they say does not work any which way (except in their heads?)
Thanks for hug smile

I have to say, I am really detached from her and that works for me. She is still in my life but I don't let her have any power at all. Luckily, she doesn't swamp us as she is actually not really interested in us except in the most shallow way. I accept that she can't help the way she is and laugh at her monsterousness (a new word!)

It is quite sad though, that she will go all through her life without feeling real love for anyone. It does teach me though, how to be good parent - I just think what she would do and do the complete opposite grin

Lemonylemon Wed 20-Mar-13 15:39:24

I remember being punched by my Dad once for sticking two fingers up at my sister. My Mum had caught me and told me to go and tell my Dad what I'd done.

I think a lot of posters would have read about what she did when I lost my fiance and then what else she did when I had DD.

She is now terminally ill. She has cirrhosis. We all run around after her. None of us want to and that feels quite bad....

Coffeenowplease Wed 20-Mar-13 15:42:04

She doesnt bother me that much now. Im not a child so I dont "depend" on her or require her support. Which pisses her off no end. Shes a nut job and I have been known to tell her so.

I dont think she is a full blown narc like some of the people on here but she certainly was a self centered melodramatic cow with many narc traits IYSWIM.
I like her a lot more now I dont see her often. I also dont tolerate her hysterics or tantrums.

Although she still thrives on illness. Telling me shes been up the hospital all night with x relative and how its worrying her no end blah blah. Making her ill herself and so on. She wants the acknowledgement that shes the perfect sister/mother/friend . She doesnt get it from me.

My poor dad had cancer and all I heard was "Oh my god how will i cope ? I cant live without your dad" I have to admit to being very cold and telling her to pull herself together and stop being dramatic as it wasnt her that was ill and she was just going to have to deal with it and be supportive like everyone else.

Shockingly she did seem to take it on board but then I live 200 miles away so maybe she was electing sympathy from others as she knew shed get very little from me.

KellyElly Wed 20-Mar-13 15:55:00

My ex called me 'the enemy within' hmm and told me that my friends were not true friends as they didn't 'tell me about myself' and that he was doing it for my own good to enable me to become a better person!

KellyElly Wed 20-Mar-13 15:56:52

He also told me in social situations I needed to realise that the way I behaved 'reflected on him' hmm. This included how much I drank, how 'friendly' I was when talking to other men and even my topics of conversation.

When I tragically lost one of my children 30 weeks into the pregnancy, I rang DM to let her know that my baby had died and I was going into the hospital to be induced. She cried for half an hour solid on the phone, while I sat there, dry-eyed, comforting her because she loves her 'grandchildren so much, I can't cope with this'. Eventually, DH took the phone away and briskly said goodbye from us.

I didn't hear from her until after the funeral, when I rang to tell her how it went as DH thought she ought to have her conscience pricked a little, and she said that it sounded very sad, but never mind, she had been to Bluewater that day and guess what? She had found the perfect dress for her holiday...

You have to laugh...

minouminou Wed 20-Mar-13 17:06:39

An ex-friend, I'm sure, is a narc.
She's also a massive twat.

There's so many things I could list here, but I can feel my heart racing already.

When DS was around 16 months old an old lady (we found out later through police and Social Services that she was totally alone in the world and quite far on with dementia) lashed out at him in his pram with a carrier bag containing a bottle of some kind.
Apparently, this was my fault, as I walk in such an aggressive manner, so I most likely scared her.

She also used to come out with appalling statements, seemingly out of nowhere. The one I remember best is that I look like Albert Steptoe.
I don't, btw......I'm too dark, greasy and olive, although on the upside I do have cheekbones like flying buttresses.

If you're reading this, you egregious cow, can you stop making silly sotto voce comments every time I have to walk past your considerable bulk?
And maybe just fuck off while you're at it?

arthriticfingers Wed 20-Mar-13 17:13:57

I still think we get sucked in, though.
I mean, why mino would you even think you needed to reassure us that you did not look like Albert Steptoe grin

minouminou Wed 20-Mar-13 17:14:09

God - I'm still shaking with anger here.

Has anyone else had a racing heart and clenched jaw when writing these accounts? These people are like a virus, or a poison that never leaves your psyche. Just thinking about them is like a flare-up of some horrible condition.

I wish they'd all shit off.

I think my mother might be a bit narcy, and my sister is deffo an enabler.

minouminou Wed 20-Mar-13 17:21:15

Ha, arthritic - mentioning that I'm dark, greasy and olive was another fave way of hers to deliver backhanded compliments.....

It was such a shocking thing to say, though, and I still, somewhere, worry that maybe I do resemble him.

Harrrroooolllld.......

I do have amazing cheekbones, though.....

She also used to go ON AND ON about how my eyes are sludgey boring brown. She'd bring it up out of nowhere and often in front of people. If I ignored it, I was admitting they were boring brown. If I challenged it, I was over-invested in the colour of my eyes and trying to pretend I was some Pre-Raphaelite bird.
When DS asked me why my eyes were green one day, I felt a weight lift...I almost believed myself they were brown, but I knew they were green (IYSWIM).

Not that there's owt wrong with brown eyes, of course. But I know mine are green, so why did this utterly bizarre issue develop?
Bonkers.

Same with my nasal voice. She went through a phase of going on and on about that too. And I mean on and on......to the point at which I was lying about sore throats to get out of work-related conference calls.

I don't have a nasal voice. It's actually unusually harsh and deep.

Mental.

iwantanafternoonnap Wed 20-Mar-13 17:28:08

It is your fault that I have chosen not to see DS anymore because you moaned at me for not getting his birthday card to him time and you have to live with that for the rest of your life..................

He hasn't seen him since by the way and that was in November. Twat!

crossparsley Wed 20-Mar-13 17:37:33

gosh, so many stories here are shocking and sad. So impressed with everyone here for seeing these people for what they were and coming through it - more power to you.

So on a lighter note, weird weird weird about the eye colour thing mino - I got that too! For more than 30 years I thought I had grey eyes (nothing wrong with that either) until I wore a dark blue dress to work and discovered, thanks to normal colleague commenting, they are denim-blue, a bit grey but mostly darkish blue. But they were the beautiful light-blue-eyed family and I was (shit you not, in her words) "the changeling" so obviously my eyes had to be slighty different wrong.

Mental, exactly.

I used to go to the same haidressers as my mum, but grew unhappy with the cut. I decided to try another hairdressers and mistakenly mentioned it to my mum.

A few weeks later, she told me: 'oooh I've done you a massive favour, I told the hairdresser the reason why you don't go there anymore, is because your friends persuaded you to go to another one because you don't know your own mind'.

mino, yes, clenched jaw and racing heart, coupled with anger and despairsad
Followed by relief and validation smile
And yy to the the virus. Viruses spread unfortunately.

arthriticfingers Wed 20-Mar-13 17:51:34

crushed grin

BanjoPlayingTiger Wed 20-Mar-13 18:02:47

My mum twists things and regularly gaslights my Dad. He has said in complete relief to me before that he is glad when I pull her up on stuff because he starts to think he is going mad.
According to her, he is starting to lose his marbles and forgets things.

I can't think of any humorous (sp?) things she has said. Though I did once get the "apology" I'm sorry if what I said hurt you, but it's just the way I feel.

She has also told me that having kids was the worst thing she ever did, and that I shouldn't have had any as I would be wasting my life.

Bertiebassett Wed 20-Mar-13 18:09:49

My soon to be ExH said to me:

"you being so nice and taking care of me so well for all those years made me resent you. So it's YOUR FAULT that I did what I did (had an emotional affair and joined a no-strings attached website)"

"I crashed my car but its YOUR FAULT because you could have offered to drive me and then it wouldn't have happened"

Are you sensing a pattern here? wink

I'm sure I'm not alone, but every thread I read, I find I remember something else she did.

The exam ones, yy to them. I was good at English, mum and dad wasn't, so they used to make me write letters for them to send to various places, can't remember what now.

But when I turned 16, they made me leave school at Easter instead of taking my GCSE's because I 'wouldn't be able to cope with the exams.' I spent quite a few years in dead end jobs because of that.

Many years later, with the support of my dh, I went to evening classes and got amongst other things, a grade A in English. When this happened, she said 'you know, you should have done your exams at school'. shock

She whispered she was proud of me. I asked her to repeat it because I couldn't hear her. She said 'I'm not shouting it, everybody will hear me'.

banjo, I used to think I was going mad, doubting myself that I was normal, when she used to gaslight me. My dad is answering her back these days, not as much as an enabler anymore. Doesn't stop her, though.

And why do they have to have what you, or other family members have?

I mentioned to her before xmas I was doing our bedroom up and buying new wardrobes. Guess what she is doing? Must think of something else to tell her I'm buying to see if she'll do the same again.....(slinks off, racking brains)...grin

roughtyping Wed 20-Mar-13 18:38:02

I remember sayin to my dad that my mum would never be proud of me or pleased for me, and he replied, "she tells everyone else how proud she is, it's just the way she is, she can't say it to you." hmm I am very aware of telling DS how proud of him I am and pointing out his good traits and forever telling him I love him - my parents just didn't say it.

She used to 'play' with us, giving us Chinese rope burns when we were young. She denies this now.

She sla

roughtyping Wed 20-Mar-13 18:39:50

Sorry blush

She slapped me and told me off for being 'hysterical' when I tried to talk to her and said I couldn't cope with baby DS/full time uni/working.

She told me that me being a single mum at 17, at uni, working, was no different to her being a married mum at 23, SAHM while her husband supported her. Heyho.

roughtyping Wed 20-Mar-13 18:41:21

And, un-MN hugs for all here. Rubbish people!

yes bertie I see the pattern.,..never THEIR fault is it?.

Thats why, I think, we carry guilt throughout our lives due to the fact it was always 'our fault'. We get conditioned to believe it.

I remember saying sorry for something once, and someone asked why the hell was I apologising when x y and z wasn't my fault? sad

minouminou Wed 20-Mar-13 18:44:50

My particular narc placed a ridiculous amount of importance on looks and bodies. She's always been overweight, and now, after a lifetime of binge eating and a dreadful relationship with food, looks like a walking heart attack.
The last time I let her into my home, she spent the entire time talking over the Abba Gold DVD the kids were watching.....berating Agneths for wearing a catsuit......
Everyone she came across and their looks and/or class would be dissected and analysed. They'd then be pigeonholed and forever treated as she saw fit.

roughtyping Wed 20-Mar-13 18:46:26

Also apologise for everything, my mum also judges by weight. Only valuable to her if you're slim. Run up to wedding is a nightmare, even for my golden sisters.

minouminou Wed 20-Mar-13 18:48:51

God but these people are tossers.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 19:00:28

I am really amazed that they make a big deal out of your IMAGINARY physical features.

That is truly, truly bizarre.

I cannot imagine treating my own children like this, really. God, maybe I do and I don't even know it!

building-I bet you're a wonderful mumsmile

I never had any children after years of trying, decided to give up on IVF as I didn't want to go through any more stress.

Part of me was sad, but also relieved. maybe I didn't want children subconsciously, but I used to worry I 'd never be 100% with my children in case mums bad traits were ingrained in me.

minouminou Wed 20-Mar-13 19:13:05

I found it utterly bizarre too. So bizarre that I thought it must be true, as no-one would go on about something so much if it wasn't true.
She would also make a point of going on about things that were true....I have big ears, and DP has wavy hair....as in waving goodbye!
She's always get a dig in. Myself, I never comment on features.....I only mention her weight because it's a direct result of her abnormal eating habits.

I've just remembered the final straw for my DM, the day she finally left him with my sister ( left me behind to deal with the fallout) he decided to control the amount of toilet roll we use.

That morning he had gone off on one because 3 women had used too much toilet roll over the week, he wanted to limit us all to 2 pieces on every toilet visit. He couldn't afford for us to keep wasting it.

FFS toilet roll! I can look back now on all this stuff and not feel much, I can picture most of it as a forgotten dream but that was my normal, I lived in that, I wonder how the hell I kept my sanity.

tb Wed 20-Mar-13 19:49:14

Yes to the racing heart, too!

Although selling our house was a 'logical' thing to do, and also the decent thing to do to help her out - must be my df's dd rather than hers, it was a need to find the mother who loved me. Fat chance.

I can remember her coming up 2 flights of stairs to see us in the attics and asking - while not looking us - why we didn't go out in the garden and sit outside in the sun. Also that someone at the church garden party was asking after me. It was obviously the lack of control that was getting to her, as I reassured her we were fine as we were.

We were invited into the sitting room once in 6 months - she had met up with an old boyfriend from the war and he was coming for coffee. We were presented as her 'new tenants' which she then corrected to 'my dd and dsil, ha ha just my little joke'. We had £50k equity when we sold, and she kept asking dh how much dosh we had. After that he started taking the building society book to work with him in his briefcase as we didn't trust her not to go rooting around.

I think it was the stress of moving house twice, being almost disowned by her, taking and repeating a set of professional exams etc that started my thyroid packing up. Just after we moved the second time dmil had a stroke, too.

Was funny, that year dmil thanked me for her mother's day present - when I said that it was between her and dh, she said "well, I'm your second mother" - when I told dm that she bit back with "How dare she say that - I'm your mother". Really weird dog in the manger attitude - she didn't want me, but anyone else show affection and she'd pounce on them.

I can remember the weekend before my df's funeral - my aunt and uncle were staying and we went over for lunch on the Saturday. As we left to go to mil's 'd'm turned to me and asked "Aren't you going to give us a kiss before you go". Am ashamed to say that I didn't have the balls to point out that the previous time she'd given me a kiss was 12 years before. Was like being pissed on by a nasty tom cat grin

tb Wed 20-Mar-13 19:55:29

Binky my dm did this too - we'd used too much after a visit to the local tandoori restaurant the night before. The loo roll disappeared from the toilet - she was obviously hiding it in the bathroom next door. When we left, we put a 9-pack of Andrex in the airing cupboard as a leaving present.

Dh then got a letter at work - not marked private and confidential - telling him to repair the damage we'd done to her house - holes in skirting board where we'd installed a phone extension, hole in the back door for a cat flap, and asking us to remove a microwave and the 9-pack. She put his name on the envelope and addressed the letter "to whom it may concern". Bitch. Had he been a little lower down it could have caused disciplinary action for receiving personal correspondence at work.

However, she didn't ask for the woodworm to be returned, nor the opening into the loft removed - she'd asked the builder to do the work, and for the bill to be sent to us. When I challenged this, she said that I'd said I thought it would be a good idea, so she got the work done and told the builder we wanted it done, hence the bill.

Wish we'd got the bitch sectioned!

allibaba Wed 20-Mar-13 20:01:58

Wow. I cannot believe some of the tales I've read on here, its so heart breaking that sooo many go through this!

Mine relate to my fabulous inlaws..

DFIL (to MrAlli) : We don't think allibaba is right for you. She doesn't appear to have any maternal instinct and we want to have grand children before we die.

That was 6 months in. I was 23 FFS!

On being told we were expecting our DS1 - no reaction at all, just sat there and said Congratulations in a half arsed manner.

On pointing out that if you want to buy some guys house and want to write to him to tell him to wait while you sell your own, you shouldn't boast how much your selling yours for (was 100k more), FIL said: Oh we all know why your here allibaba, the inheritance money!

That was a few weeks before we married, in front of MIL and SIL who claimed not to hear any of it!

At least DH is now recognising he is a narc and the rest his enablers...

DogEgg, my M told me regularly that she got fat because of being pg with me (not my db of course, just me). I was absolutely convinced that having my dcs would leave me the size of a house. And yet I've seen photos of M when I was a young child, and she was easily a size 10.

Isn't it weird how you grow up believing the lies they told you, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary? And sometimes without even realising that you believe it, like its stuck at the back of your mind as an incontrovertible truth.

Coffeenowplease Wed 20-Mar-13 20:37:37

bertha my mum says that too. I made her fat because she was pregnant with me. Not she got fat, I made her fat.

Saltpig Wed 20-Mar-13 21:15:40

ex DP to me (during sex): ooh now I know what Jimmy Saville felt like"

Me: WTF? What a vile disgusting thing to say, fucking woman hater, get OFF!!

Him: OMG I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that…. actually I'm really hurt that you think I'm a woman hater….

Cue end of relationship.

Coffeenowplease Wed 20-Mar-13 21:20:59

God I have yet another.
I was bullied at school and dmum said " I dont know why they dont like you. What do you do so that no one likes you ? It must be you" Or words to that affect I am paraphrasing slightly. Then she ends it with

"Everyone always likes me so It cant be anything from me. It must be your problem."

Shes also a total fucking martyr. When she was ill once my dad was making my tea and she made a huge hooha of getting out of bed and hanging on to the stair rail and shouting in her "poorly voice" at him instructions on how to make dinner. Because it made her look a better parent. To struggle out of bed to tell my poor dad how to make soup or whatever.

My dad btw is an intelligent man who was quite capable of making himself and his daughter dinner.

MrsDeVere Wed 20-Mar-13 21:30:54

My DM had an injured leg. She had to stay at home for a couple of weeks, my DSis would take her out to Tescos a couple of times a week

'You have NO IDEA what its like to spend so much time cooped up, not being able to get out and the only place you go is the local supermarket'

This was about two months after my DD had died. I had just spent the last two years caring for her, in and out of hospital, unable to leave her to go anywhere apart from the supermarket to get shopping (in the early hours).

She didn't even fucking blink, falter or think about what she was saying to me.

Same woman who 15 years early had refused to care for DD whilst I was in hospital because I seemed to be in prem labour (22 weeks) with DS1. She told me she couldn't because her throat was really sore.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 21:57:54

Coffee "Everyone likes me..."

Think we've disproved that, haven't we. grin

MrsDeVere awful.

akaemmafrost Wed 20-Mar-13 22:01:04

sad mrsDV

I think you're a close contender for worse story on this thread.

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Wed 20-Mar-13 22:27:02

Every time I come back to the thread I'm slightly horrified by how much it's grown.... hopefully the sheer number of posts will reassure posters that they REALLY are not the problem!!

Someone said something about being slightly relieved to not have kids because they weren't sure they'd be good parents. I feel that way all the time. I was very relieved when preg to find I was having boys because I was petrified that I'd make a daughter's life hell - I don't have any concept of what a 'good' mother-daughter relationship is.

I realised this properly in Tesco once. I saw a mum and her daughter (they looked a bit similar) at the checkout next to me. The mum was a bit glam, well dressed, maybe mid-40s. The daughter was about early teens, slim and pretty, also well-dressed. I remember thinking 'They look happy together.' I then thought 'I bet her mum would hate her if she got fat though.' I then realised how shitty that thought was sad

Suffice it to say, I'm hoping that tedious overanalysis of everything I do/say will stop me from being the bitch mother from hell. Heaven knows what sort of MIL I might end up as though wink

buildingmycorestrength Wed 20-Mar-13 22:34:42

I'm a completely insecure parent. Parenting classes helped enormously, really helped me figure out what normal looked like.

It is still hard to overcome the programming, though, in daily life and reactions in the moment. Practice and awareness.

dothraki Wed 20-Mar-13 22:45:38

MrsDV sad
Herrena - these narcs lack empathy - every waking thought and deed is about them - how things make them look/feel. They would not recognise themselves even if they read all the stories on here - that is why you should not worry about being a bad mum. You are empathetic - that is what will make you a fabulous mum. (I know it wasn't me you saw in Tesco - as I am neither glam or well dressed grin)

dothraki Wed 20-Mar-13 22:49:56

buildingmycorestrength - that is a perfect name for you as it is exactly what you are doing. You are aware that you didn't have good role models and you are taking very positive steps to build your core strength - well done you flowers and {{{hugs}}} you are getting there

Sparklyboots Wed 20-Mar-13 23:48:35

Agree, I've really had to work hard to figure out 'how' to parent - also delayed having babies, thinking I couldn't 'risk' a girl. Had loads of therapy (and budgeting for more!) to help, been to support groups/ etc.

For this reason, I always get tres annoyed with the triumphant common-sensicalism threads - you know the ones "AIBU to wonder who the fuck bothers with parenting books?!" or those where someone asks for advice and then gets mocked for feeling unsure how to handle a situation in their DC's life, like it's a fucking crime not to be completely instinctive at parenting. But (1) I've got no reliable basis for working out what is emotionally abusive/ manipulative so really need to check my thinking out; (2) I don't see why I have to apologise for my 'lack of common sense'; (3) I think you are treading on thin ice if you just assume that your own family context is absolutely, straightforwardly 'normal'; (4) I can't help noticing that its a narc trait to assume what you think is common sense; (5) I can't help distrusting the claim that someone's own childhood experiences 'didn't do them any harm' - I usually find people saying that are overbearing and dismissive, to say the least, which might reasonably be attributed to insensitive or not otherwise optimal parenting. And reminds me of my own dear Narcs - if I feel this way about it, it must be true for you, too!

... which slightly leads me onto, should there be a DNc abbreviation?

Lavenderhoney Thu 21-Mar-13 03:17:13

God they are dreadful. Just remembered my dm telling me it was her job to tell me all my faults, as my " friends " wouldn't. There are many, of course. I remember snapping back " yes, that's why they are my friends"

I always remember Jilly cooper writing that having a friend should be like being asparagus and having warm sauce poured over you. Like getting in a lovely bath I supposesmile.

There is a theme, with weight? And things being your fault? Things you can't control. A woman once lashed out at me randomly in the street and my dm said it was all my fault as I must have encouraged hersmile wtf? Now I just call her on every rubbish thing she says, but that makes her ill " you're making me sick with nerves" , as I won't be told the TRUTH!!

jynier Thu 21-Mar-13 03:36:23

OP - have not read the whole thread but my narcissus XP said, (after beating me up) "You bruise so easily! I think that you should take more Vitamin C!"

mathanxiety Thu 21-Mar-13 04:44:41

exMIL (pouting) -- 'I wish you would come and sit with us at the table Math' - I was reclining on the couch during Christmas dinner because she had a hard and fast rule about people eating in bedrooms and I had been ordered to lie down and only get up for the loo by emergency room doctor I had seen that morning because I was miscarrying and bleeding quite heavily. Thankfully exFIL (a doctor himself) told her it was important for me to follow doctor's orders. But she grumbled a lot nevertheless.

Same exMIL (in impatient, exasperated tone): '[SIL] is bleeding <eye roll> and she and [SIL's husband] can't decide whether to stay here and go to the hospital or get into the car and drive so we're all going to have to wait for her to get her act together <another eye roll>'
SIL was about 10 weeks pregnant and had started spotting and cramping; we had all got to the half way point of a trip to the American west, the year before my Christmas MC. SIL was this woman's own daughter.

jynier Thu 21-Mar-13 05:16:15

math - How dreadful! Why are people so awful?

Altinkum Thu 21-Mar-13 05:38:38

I only wanted one child, and then I got you (I'm the younger twin)

We re in debt because of you, I was about 9 I think.

arthriticfingers Thu 21-Mar-13 06:17:11

Sparkely yy to how necessary I felt it was to read parenting books.
Alice Miller's 'For your own Good', which I read while expecting my first, became my parenting bible.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 21-Mar-13 06:35:10

math wow. Just... wow. sad. angry.

jynier that is a perfect summation of their whole attitude. Extraordinary. sad

dothraki thank you ... I'm getting there! Your name is great too smile
Worst parenting advice ever for me was "Just follow your instincts." My instincts are were fucked up! I'm constantly terrified/angry, and want to overcontrol, lash out and run away. Not good instincts to follow. smile.

Had so many narcs in my life I now realise- must have a twat beacon attached to me somewhere.
Another one. I had a brief relationship with a Disney dad. Didn't understand why his ex was ungrateful that he'd turn up once every 3/4 weeks, take them out and spoil them and then hand the confused wreckage back. I asked him why he didn't see them more regularly. "Because now I can't see them every day, it hurts me". Him, grown man allegedly, them all primary school age hmm

Same twat, talking about trading in large vehicle for a 2 seater sports car. Me: what about the kids? Him: what about them?! Followed by a chuckle. We really didn't have the same sense of human humour.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 21-Mar-13 07:57:06

My mum has repeatedly told me over the years that "yes your childhood wasn't great but I tried my best (like fuck) and you really should get over it". Sound advice really. And for the most part I am over it. Thing is She is over 60 and STILL holds a grudge against her parents so really she's in no position to be telling anyone to "get over it!"

Mum told my sister who is waiting for her son (my DN) to be possibly diagnosed with ADHD that "you don't know how hard it is for me to have a grandchild who might have ADHD!" hmm yeah because its such a picnic for the boy's parents!

My personal favourite though is when mum tells me that "right now she needs to be a bit selfish and put herself first for once". Its the "for once" that does it for me. She is always putting herself first! I got horribly bullied at school she refused to look into changing schools and left me in that hell because "she couldnt deal with the stress".

Seriouslysleepdeprived Thu 21-Mar-13 10:22:00

My instincts are the same as yours building. I thought I was over it all (after lots of therapy) until I had DS last year.

Becoming a parent has reignited things and I realise I have no idea what I'm doing and no role model at all. When I went to my lovely GP with PND, she told me to find a surrogate mum (easier said than done tbh) so I had someone to build my confidence and say I was doing a good job etc.

It would be great if there was a victims of narcs support buddy system like they have in AA for new mums smile

evaeoin Thu 21-Mar-13 10:56:31

when i was 17 i got a viral infection that nearly killed me. was very touch and go. my M disappeared for the first frantic day as she had cystitis and had to rest and have a bath. so there was me fighting for my life and my sis making all the medical decision and her in a bubble bath. she said to be recently (20 years later) that that was the first time she ever got cystitis and now she gets it regularly!!!!!!!!! Think i was supposed to apologise to her.

So after i had my dd (at 20 she has never forgiven me for the shame though she tries to hide it) i was again very ill - lots of complications after c section - and where was she - GOLFING for the whole weekend - telling everyone how upset she was..

Then after i left an abusive marraige she 'couldn't cope with the anxiety attacks she was having' SHE WAS HAVING!! and all but blamed me for the abuse saying my sis would never have put up with that and why did i marry him if thats the way he was!!!!!!!! Like i chose it!!!!!!

dothraki Thu 21-Mar-13 11:13:11

Married grin at human I too have a twat beacon just wish I could turn the bugger off.

MooMooSkit Thu 21-Mar-13 11:28:21

Oh I thought of these crackers from an ex. We had a row once (I say row, it turned into me just crying and wanting to stop rowing) and he got so angry he picked up a hammer and "threw it at the wall" though it hit me in the head. I had a MASSIVE lump and the next day I spent the whole day throwing up/feeling dizzy. Pretty sure I was suffering concussion. He wouldn't let me go to to the hospital and said "your so silly getting in my way of throwing things, now look what you've done to yourself" hmm

Another time he gave me a black eye and a day later we had to go tesco. He said "God you could of covered your eye, people will think I'm a woman beater" again hmm

His favourite thing was pinning me to the ground by my wrists and hoiking me by my bra straps to throw me across the room. I was always covered in bruises. He knew I had anemia for a few months just after I had my LO and said "it's really sad you bruise so easy through anemia, you really should get that sorted" I hadn't been anemic for ages.

I truly, genuinly believe he had drummed it into himself that he did them things because I made him. he would always say things like how I made him do it, how it was me that pushed him into doing it as i made him so angry and would say things like his exes never made him do it (i found out he'd never had a serious relationship (wonder why) and he'd been violent living with his mother who threw him out when he was 18.

Infact he blamed the fact his mother drunk heavily on why he was the way he was. (I think his Mum drunk heavily BECAUSE he was the way he was!!)

Crickey Moo I hope he's not in your life anymore??

utterlyscared1 Thu 21-Mar-13 12:30:13

Gosh there are so many MIL comments to choose from, it's hard to know which one to pick. Just a few.....

In hospital having given birth to DD (DD picked up hospital infection, on life-saving drugs and me expressing milk and syringing it into her mouth. My pelvis having come apart during the birth and is agony). MIL visiting daily to see DD as she saw her as "hers"(DH driven mad and kept wandering off) regaling wildly exaggerated stories of her birth.... how lucky I was it was much harder in her day with no pain relief, women much sicker and having to stay in hospital for 10 days, being left on her own for hours shut in a room screaming to deliver own baby (husbands not allowed to stay). How she was so large chested (I'm not and DD was too sick to feed) that her first son drank 22oz milk per feed as a new born. It was my fault for not producing as much milk as her!!

On day of 9/11, just on mat leave, popped round to see her early evening (her Sister staying with her and due to fly back to Canada following day). "Oh it was so awful to see that (awful 9/11 scenes on tv)" accompanied by faucet tears. 2 minutes later in kitchen whilst making me a drink she laughed and said "Oh, I wasn't crying about that, but now my sister's flights been cancelled and I've got to put up with her for even longer!!!!!" (At the time I knew an ex-work colleague was then working in WTC and close friends were on Honeymoon and visiting New York during their travels with a planned visit to and WTC. Later found out they were all ok.)

During DD's many years of illness and epilepsy, "Did I think that i'd caused DD's epilepsy by putting her in a day nursery for one day a week when I'd returned to work."

Sorry, could go on and on. Sadly, I didn't even realise she was a Narc until 18 months ago when a friend suggested it to me (hadn't heard of NPD before that), but the penny very quickly dropped. Sorry to hear all of your stories.

Think I'm a beacon too. Have recently started therapy, part of the aim being that I can escape this "victim" that seems to transcribed on my forehead.

CaptChaos Thu 21-Mar-13 13:12:36

I thought I was the only one who's mother had blamed her for being bullied. No one spoke to me at school for a year, a teacher called my mother who told her that I was difficult to get on with and it was certainly something I had done. I gathered the courage to tell her that I was being bullied and she looked at me all teary eyed and said 'I know, Chaos, I don't understand why you have no friends, what do you do to make everyone dislike you so much?'

She asked me why I wasn't sporty. I was in the hockey team, held school records for throwing events and jumping events, played rugby, did martial arts, but that's not sporty. What she meant by sporty was sprinting and swimming, because she had represented the county at that, so it was the only sport to do. (Until my brother took up cricket, and then THAT was the only sport worth anything!)

'Oh Chaos, you're so clever and intelligent, but you've never made anything of yourself, have you?' Translates to 'Oh Chaos, I wish you had become a lawyer like your brother, then I could brag about you as well'

The sad thing is, it never stops. Lots of therapy, very low contact and yet, someone said something awful and wholly untrue about me today, and my first thought was... 'I have to justify myself, I have to stop people thinking badly of me'. Luckily, my second thought was 'Hmmm, I fancy a cup of coffee now, and they can think what they like, I know the truth, and that's all that matters' Baby steps, baby steps.

My mother, when I rang her, breathless with joy to say that I was pregnant with ds (had just done the test) aged 43. I had longed for a child and the pregnancy was a complete miracle..

She said 'Oh that's nice dear but could you ring back later as I am off to Church.'

Oh and here's another: When ExH abandoned me and baby and disappeared abroad, it was found he'd been lying and deceiving at work and was about to be found out. I told mother this and she said 'Oh! I KNEW there was a good reason why he would have left ds.' shock confused sad

That took me a while to get my head round - a crap comment on so many levels!

One more: ExH, after disappearing for five days leaving me distraught and with baby ds, returned home wearing a hugely expensive new leather jacket and had blown a grand on lots of other clothes and partying. I asked how on earth could he do this to us..he shrugged and said 'he knew I'd be pissed off and the marriage would probably be over so he thought he might as well enjoy himself.'

akaemmafrost Thu 21-Mar-13 13:25:09

I think we're all beacons.

I have literally discarded ALL my friends from more than 10 years ago because quite frankly they were all using nasty arses who I used to LET trample all over me because that's what I was used to.

For a while I was thinking what's wrong with you, you're falling out with everyone? then I saw it was all the people from THAT era when I was still totally screwed by my childhood and unhealthily still enmeshed with my Mum.

People don't like it when you stand up to them. The shock on their faces or in their voices is laughable. They are used to treating you however they like.

I remember that at 13 I had to threaten to call the police to stop being physically abused.

I remember attempting suicide during a spate of being very badly bullied, and being told that I was bringing it all on myself.

I remember being dragged around my friends houses, and being labelled as a slut and a bitch because a boy had walked me home from school.

I remember getting a paper round at 13, and having to pay rent from my £8 earnings.

I remember being constantly told all about my faults - how nobody else would 'love' me the way she did.

I remember being in the delivery suite and being told that my baby had died, and that I would still have to give birth naturally.

She collapsed in a corner wailing about how 'her' baby had died, told me that it was my fault it had happened, how (because I'd left my abusive ex) she was the nearest thing to a parent that my baby would have had, and nobody was thinking of her.

I feel guilty because I'm glad that I'm not alone - I've been following this thread from the start, but have only had the courage to post now, and I feel guilty for doing so. How daft is that?

flowers to you all.

dothraki Thu 21-Mar-13 15:56:20

Tapir - I'm glad you have found the strength to post. I have found it so cathartic to post on this thread and one about toxic people. MN helped me see what narcissism is, my xh, by so called bf, and my adult sd. This has been so damaging to my family - I almost think I should just walk away. Although dh has gone no contact - we still get crap from other family members. They seem to think it was fine for her to post shit about all of us all over the internet. She told them all - its her personal diary ffs. They remain in her thrall.
I hope you are getting help and support flowers to you to x

MrsDeVere Thu 21-Mar-13 16:29:37

Hello again.
Thanks for your comments.
I am sorry for those who have had such horrible things said to them.
I never usually post on these threads. I suppose, like a lot of us, I am 'scared' of doing it.
What if she sees? What about the backlash?

She told me once, when I was five, that I had better say goodbye because she was going to get sent to prison. It was something to do with my DPs not paying some bill or other. I was FIVE. I really thought she was going to go to prison.

She also called me at home when I was around 10 to scream at me for telling someone where she worked. I had received a call from a man asking to talk to her. I said she wasn't in. He said 'where does she work?'. So I told him.
Turned out it was another debt collector.
It was my fault he found her.

MrsDeVere Thu 21-Mar-13 16:30:31

Tapir I am so very sorry about your baby sad

cupcake78 Thu 21-Mar-13 16:50:32

My in laws are very good at this. Asked my dh if he'd 'checked over my MA dissertation to make sure it was good enough!'angry Dh laughed at them and said you must be joking i don't even understand the title grin (I was so proud of him!)

When we told them I was pregnant this time I got...'oh well we won't get our hopes up yet you haven't had the best track record' hmm. I've had 2 miscarriages and one dc.

Also got told there is no way this dc will be anywhere near as special as current ds as he is such a one off character! It's true he is great but how very dare they angry.

Recent comments are. ..'There's no need for you to take maternity leave, we will have the baby for you while you go back to work'. Arrgghhhh the want to have control of the grandchildren really gets me cross.

'I'm so pleased they couldn't tell you the sex it's so much nicer for us to have a surprise'. I told them that what they thought was frankly irrelevant as it was our choicegrin.

Everytime I speak to them there is something new that makes me want to smack them.

dothraki Thu 21-Mar-13 18:38:15

Cupcake - you can reduce contact wink

fengirl1 Thu 21-Mar-13 18:54:53

These histories (I can't call them 'stories' - it would be insulting as I'm sure they're all true) are so sad. While my xh never did anything as 'bad' as some of the things here, he was a narcissist. Several years after parting it was brought home to me how deeply he's marked me.... I help a friend with his animals and recently made a mistake (no harm done). When he pointed it out to me, very reasonably, I was very upset and had to fight not to cry - more because I realised how scared I was of making a man angry than anything else.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 21-Mar-13 19:21:09

Fen girl that is the sad legacy sad But it can be overcome.

OxfordBags Thu 21-Mar-13 19:23:52

I see your being blamed for being bullied and I raise you being blamed for being bullied AND having your father hoot with laughter until the tears ran down his face when you broke down and finally told him the vile, sexually grotesque nickname that kids at school were calling you, and that it was making you feel suicidal and then said father using that nickname for you for the rest of your life, so hilarious did he find it...

(Well, not anymore, because I threatened to never let him see DS ever again if I heard that name one more time. It worked. My bad)

This is quite trivial, but am struggling to voice other narc stuff. My folks are really normal, well-balanced and nice 85% of the time, have normal, tolerable faults and quirks 5% of the time, and psycho fucking narc central the other 10% of the time, so I always feel guilty and conflicted about what feels like slagging them off, even though every word I write is true.

I identified so strongly with what I think it was TB said previously, about sometimes glimpsing the normal, rounded person who achieved things that I could have been. I have a PhD, so people think I must be really go-getting, etc., but I've been a total loser ever since then. I only existed as my Mother's, well, everything, as a child, so struggle to be a full, autonomous adult even now. She loves to get upset over me not having any confidence or get up and go. Oh, the irony.

SpecialAgentKat Thu 21-Mar-13 20:41:59

Not at all ready to talk about it, but would like to meekly say "I'm here too."

cupcake78 Thu 21-Mar-13 20:43:59

I'm trying! They tend to get caught up in the garden from now till October. Every winter they are bored and we have to do the in law management tactics.

Thankfully dh can feel a little suffocated by them as well so tends to disappear or be very busy.

onefewernow Thu 21-Mar-13 20:51:16

Oxfordbags, I completely refuse to believe you are a total loser! In what terms? Material success? Glory for others?

I've never read loose rush comments from you either. Wise ones.

Please do not see yourself reflected in others' mirror.

onefewernow Thu 21-Mar-13 20:51:46

Loser ish not whatever nonsense I typed on this phone

I'm shocked by how long this thread has run. It's the first time I've realised what my mother is and I've been getting floods of deeply buried memories coming to the fore that I am struggling to process.

I've also realised reading this thread that I attract the same traits in some friends and exh.

Thank you and flowers to all the brave posters on here for making me feel less alone, less to blame, less stupid and more angry.

One day I will find the guts to stand up against her.

OxfordBags Thu 21-Mar-13 21:46:08

Thank you, onefewernow (sob!). I am coming to realise that whilst my life has been, yes, loserish, with a childhood like mine, there wasn't much chance of me doing particularly well for myself, personally or professionally. That sounds dramatic, but it's not meant to be. Drearily boring, is all.

If I do give wise advice now and then (thank you), it's because of a lifetime of people-watching; a lifetime spent watching life pass me by instead of participating, because I existed to be my mother's doll/counsellor/whipping boy/best friend/whatever, not a real person. It's also easier to try to help others with problems than look at your own.

Oh, poor me! Get out the tiny violins!

Sounds like your mother has lived voyeuristically through you Oxfordbags which is a terrible indictment of her parenting I'm afraid. no doubt done under the guise of encouraging you to acheive your potential - telling you you were definitely up to do doing a PHD blah blah. My mother did this to my poor sister. When I was still in the 'cult' as i call my ex-family now, i urged her not encourage my younger sister to sit a PHd because I could see she wasn't up to it and what she needed to do was get a life away from my mother. But poor sis went on to do the PHd, spent ten k of her money doing it,m then failed in year three.

She's now 45, childless, never had a boyfriend, totally still under my mother's thumb, (ie gives her endless narc supply) and STILL think she's an amazing person - simply because my warped mother tells her so.

I am gitted for her but am no contact as she cannot understand or tolerate me trying to get her out of the 'cult' too (stopped bothering about 8 years ago).

I really feel for you - but you have GOT that PHd at least which is more than my sister did!

have you gone No Contact with your mother, got some counselling?

So sorry for people on this thread whose lives have been so bloody blighted by these self-obsessed destructive and frankly wickled Narc types.

Bertiebassett Thu 21-Mar-13 22:21:02

And another one from me...current this time!

I bought a few age appropriate books for DS (5) to help him understand whats going to happen when mummy and daddy separate. They are brilliant books...have really helped with explaining things (especially 'Two Homes' and 'Big Bag of Worries') and DS loves them. However STBXH refuses to read them to DS (who constantly asks for them)....

STBXH's reason? It's just too upsetting for HIM to read them! His emotional wellbeing obviously comes first...

As expected he really doesn't understand why I'm divorcing him...I've given up trying to explain now...the rest of my life will be spent protecting DS from his narc father hmm

tb Thu 21-Mar-13 22:24:30

I went to a private therapist - hence the £20k costs - for EMDR about 13 years ago. I was too cowardly to confront my dm directly, so wrote a letter of confrontation - the classic what she'd done, how I'd felt and what effect it had had on my life.

I managed to keep it down to about 6 things, and it took 4 pages. I threatened her that if she disclosed it to anyone, I'd go to the press about the things it contained. She talked to her garage tenant about it - even seemed to boast that I'd been abused by her friends. What did I do? Nothing - too spineless and useless.

Also, once I cut contact, it was as if she took everything back I'd learned from her. As a result, I can no longer do any of the creative things I was 'allowed' to do - it's as if she's stolen them. I used to sew, alter patterns, cut skirts of long dresses on the cross to use 90cm fabric, design machine knitted knitwear. I used to make candles - she muscled in on that. I was asked to do flower arrangements in a huge trough at church when they wanted the 'young people' involved - she took over that. Thankfully, she couldn't sing, or she'd have joined the choir and pushed me out of that.

My final paragraph, was to say - in terms she'd understand - that if I'd been in a children's home, I'd probably be due about £2 million in damages for lost earnings, and even more in punitive damages for lack of duty of care. Her reaction? Nothing. Just to say I'd written 4 pages of lies when I rang her from the therapist's. The tenant - whom she named as next of kin and her executor has told me repeatedly that my failed suicide attempt was a cry for help and not a real attempt - it made me feel more of a failure for not even being able to kill myself.

I also said that it was only due to the first 7 weeks of my life spent in a nursing that I didn't end up living in a shop doorway - according to one of the counsellors I saw. Apparently just that 7 weeks was enough to save me from that. When I wrote the letter it was 10 years ago, and I said it was like being a Bosnian orphan. Some good came of it - she adopted a Bosnian orphan and left her £5,000.

Everthing that had sentimental value belonged to my late df - she either told her tenant to sell them or left them specifically to other people. He's told me I can write to the legatees ie begging letters, and he's sure they'll send them to me. It's as if he's trying to continue the abuse where she left off - he won't send me the list of property sent to auction as it 'will upset me too much'. He doesn't have the right to judge - I'm 57 for fucks sake and he's only 8 years older. Patronising twat angry He took it upon himself to tell me I couldn't go to her funeral........

....I couldn't afford to, so didn't. I now think he wanted to flaunt himself a 'chief mourner' not like her nasty daughter tb. She also left money to the parish - so the Vicar thinks she was a wonderful person, too.

I just don't see what the point was of having a dd and then abusing her to such an extent - unless it was the joy of dying with her halo choking her?

dothraki Thu 21-Mar-13 23:07:20

tb - flowers I really hope you can find a way forward.
I cannot even think of something that might help I'll offer you{{{hugs}}} and wine and hopefully peace x

Sparklyboots Fri 22-Mar-13 00:32:52

Wow, flowers and hugs all round really. Some truly awful experiences, I'm so sorry to hear about your baby Tapir, and your DD MrsDV.

My lot are slightly less overt in their EA and it all comes out of Narc anyway, so I'm not sure they could recognise it as abuse, because that would entail them having an agenda that related to anyone but themselves, IYSWIM? Currently NC with my DF because I asked him not to drink at my place or in front of my 2yo (whom he called a 'saddo' last time he was drunk - and me a 'fucking pain in the arse who could never take a joke' when I called him on it). He actually initiated the NC but has since said (to DM) that he will come and see us etc. when he has got over his hurt about my requests. My response has been to say that he's not invited - and I won't be going to stay with them (we live quite a distance) until he's at least agreed to my entirely reasonable requests. So probably never, then.

His latest thing is to be in a temper with my DM for looking up books for how to live with an alcoholic on Amazon. His actual line was, 'it must be horrible for you, having to live with an alcoholic husband' but he thought he was being sarcastic instead of making a factual observation. Fucking extraordinary. My DM is a bit of a mess but also has narc traits, so the whole thing of him cutting me out has all been about how hard it is for her. I'm fairly certain that whatever happens between them re the drinking will be all my fault.

I know that alcohol is clouding our issues now but I've got a lifetime of stories about how any success I've had I owe to them, and anything difficult that has happened to me is really worse for them, because you worry about your children or something. My DM has been particularly narc about food and eating issues so surprise surprise, I had anorexia for a while, which was terribly difficult for her, obvs hmm

Again flowers to all on here.

I never used to think of her as a narc, or recognise the behaviour - probably because I was so damn used to it; until recently I assumed it was just the way she was, and all the crap from my childhood/teen years was what I believed everyone went through.

Then I found MN, and the stately homes threads. It's taken me a lot of lurking and revisiting painful memories to understand that it wasn't actually me that made her behave this way, and tbh I'm looking back and wondering just what exactly was real and truthful, and what was part of her drama and lies.

I cried after posting earlier - the feelings of guilt, and the memories, and wondering if I'd done the right thing by posting but I'm glad now that I have.

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Fri 22-Mar-13 07:53:50

I'm glad you feel better about posting now Tapir.

There are so many sad tales here so flowers to all, especially to those of you who have suffered the loss of a child.

arthriticfingers Fri 22-Mar-13 10:58:01

'nuvva one
Some years ago, ex's physical and verbal abuse deteriorated rapidly and exponentially.
I finally plucked up the courage to tell him to leave.
He did - but he asked to come back a few days later saying that he had, indeed, understood that his behaviour was unacceptable and had used his time away to realize just how much greater care he needed to take ... of himself!
You really could not make these people up

Googol Fri 22-Mar-13 10:58:14

Im further along the road to recovery Oxfordbags but we could be sisters from what you describe. wink

I had to cut contact with my narc friends, my narc mother then I separated from my controlling H to get to the place I'm at now. Happy, calm, peaceful, content. It's a tough road though I had to face everything that had happened but I recommend it.

I had some CBT to help, used the DONM forum (sorry on phone and don't know how to link) and above all used my RL friends for support.

Know what you want to achieve and take tiny babysteps towards it every day. You can be a participant in life not just an extension of a narc mother. flowers

OxfordBags Fri 22-Mar-13 11:18:18

Ah, thank you, and UA too. I feel a bit of a fraud, because I don't want to go NC with my parents. I really do love my Mum and part of her being too enmeshed in me is that I am also still too enmeshed with her and just imagining being NC with her is making me cry as I type!

It's weird; I'm not so much extension of her, but she uses me to make her feel better - she doesn't want or expect me to be like her, she is genuinely and authentically flattering, complimentary, supportive and on my side, but she relies on me to constantly reassure her, be really pleased and grateful for whatever she does for me, make her feel better. Part of it is my Dad being incredibly insensitive and a bit crass, not that it makes it alright that she tries to get the emotional input from me that she should get from him, hell no.

I know my childhood was very stressful, very confusing (different rules and goalposts all the time, etc.), and so on, but I still don't have enough sense of self or ability to make anything of my life to be less connected with my mum right now. After always picking arseholes, I now have the loveliest of DHs and a wonderful DS, and the normality and calm and being allowed to just be myself (although whoever that is, I dunno) makes me feel better every day.

If anyone recognises my name and knows me for my usual blunt-as-fuck advice, then yeah, it's easier to see what needs to be done for others and tell them, then turn the spotlight on yourself sad

OxfordBags Fri 22-Mar-13 11:18:48

Sorry if am derailing the general narc chitchat blush

buildingmycorestrength Fri 22-Mar-13 11:53:31

Oxford it doesn't always have to be NC. For some people that would feed the drama.

I know if I went NC with my dad it would not be worth it for me, because I've found ways to create plenty of distance that don't let anyone paint me as the bad guy, and it means I can avoid confrontation.

Also, he is not as bad as some. For some people, I imagine staying in contact is untenable because the narc needs to constantly push buttons, but my dad isn't one of those.

Finding a way of bobbing along can be fine. Totally depends on the circumstances.

Googol Fri 22-Mar-13 11:59:44

Absolutely. No contact was my route but only after a long journey with trying to be low contact. After my Dad died she was even worse. I had no idea she had been maliciously gossiping about me for years. Even so I could not have cut contact with my Dad.

yellowhousewithareddoor Fri 22-Mar-13 12:14:58

Not read it all but will reread as its interesting to see other stories.

My dad, on discussing why I ended up on his doorstep wanting to live with him, 'oh you don't really get on with people very well do you. You didn't manage to live with your mother'. Nothing to do with the fact one of her boyfriends was coming onto me and I was terrified. Living with an alcoholic was hell.

Another one of my dads ideas was to get up after I'd gone to school when we lived together so he wouldn't have to see me.

My mother and father talk about me 'making a fuss' when ill. Thew/ don't like to be inconvenienced. The fact I was rolling on the floor in agony which I later found out was gallstones and others admit to a and e in that kind of pain.

Oh the list goes on.

KittyLane1 Fri 22-Mar-13 12:41:12

I'm so glad I found this thread! I have far too many but here is a few:

My mum used me as her confident when I was far too young to understand what she was telling me. My mum says she can never understand why any man would want me and would always flirt with any friends I brought home.

I gave into the advances of an older man when I was young (desperately needed attention) when he raped me my mum said "of girl's like you kept their knickers on, things like this wouldn't happen" .....ouch...

Like I said she hated me getting any male attention and after calling me all the names under the sun she said with a deep sigh and "do you not think boys wanted to have sex with me when I was 15?" I said, "no"

HMG83 Fri 22-Mar-13 12:53:34

Just been reminded of a few other things, how one of my siblings is the "golden child".....

This sibling is the youngest and I love them to pieces, it's not their fault they get treated "better". They're a lazy git who still lives at home and generally does nothing to help anyone but mother worships them. They can do no wrong.

On a long haul flight my parents sat in first class while we sat in standard, halfway through the flight an air hostess came over and said "Hi, are you HMG's sibling?" And proceeded to say how my parents wanted to treat them and what would they like from the inflight duty free? They ended up with a big bounty of their choice and I didn't even get a packet of nuts.

This xmas, I got a pj set, slippers and a hot water bottle (seriously) while this sibling got a watch that retails for over £1k. I was happy for them but a little hurt, I think my mother noticed this and piped up about how they were going to help out with my renovation costs.

Fast forward to Feb and suddenly this offer doesn't exist anymore, so I'd got quotes in etc ready to go on a false promise. I ended up covering all my costs after my mother laid into me about how it always turns into a co petition between us kids.......it never was a competition in my eyes. I just thought any normal parent would treat their children equally and take into account the needier ones.

My middle sibling and I have endured this unfairness and blatant favouritism for years. I've dealt with it a lot better but lately it's really started to hurt.

I don't understand how my mother can treat her children so differently!

HMG83 Fri 22-Mar-13 12:58:06

Oh and how everyone else's achievements trump mine!

Even people she doesn't like!!! I got my dream job last year and wanted to celebrate but it turned into a meal chatting about how my cousin is so wonderful, they got an even better job, oh and your youngest sibling is just progressing so well with their current employ.

I just bother sharing my achievements anymore because someone else will always have done better than me.

OxfordBags Fri 22-Mar-13 12:59:21

Thank you smile As I said, my folks are actually pretty nice the majority of the time, so it's easy to have a fairly normal relationship for the most part. I do, however, rigidly 'manage' some of their behaviour to create that or to cut off narc outbursts before they get going. This means they often see me as very critical, fussy, always 'telling them off' (the narc is a sulky child at heart) and controlling, but I get the v strong feeling that they are aware that I tolerate their shit, so they'll tolerate mine. They'll probably never get that they wouldn't have to deal with my shit if they sorted theirs out, but there you go.

Interestingly, my mother is actually a really good, positive grandmother to my DS. Without the urge to enmesh or possess him, she just displays the great, healthy sides to her: playful, inventive, fun, active, affectionate, etc. I am vigilant, though, and shut down the narcing if I see it coming (Ds hurt his arm last year and she was hysterical about not being able to cope with her distress about it - I refused to allow her to be around him until she got a grip).

yellowhousewithareddoor