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Where do I go?!

(83 Posts)
Username123 Fri 15-Mar-13 19:56:55

After a year of dealing with my daughters father and his mother's issues and general control freak behaviour, tonight I received a call saying that they had discussed it and had decidedly that my daughter would be better off living with his mother, they are on the way round and could I have her bags packed.

Well, her bags are packed, as are mine and I am sitting in McDonalds not knowing what the fuck to do or where to go.

I have no living family members and don't want to go to a friends in case he finds me there.

I have £50 to my name until I can get to a bank tomorrow morning.

Obviously there is a shitload of backstory to this, but where can I go right now that would be safe?

I'm in east London in case that's relevant/helpful?

HollyBerryBush Fri 15-Mar-13 20:03:13

bed and breakfast?

travel lodge?

I didn't want to leave this not being bumped

BubblegumPie Fri 15-Mar-13 20:04:40

Women's aid?

Georgebooboo Fri 15-Mar-13 20:04:41

Hello, sorry to hear about what's happening. Go to the nearest police station. They should be able to tell you where the nearest women's hostel is or somewhere you can go for the night until you sort things out and will be safe x

BubblegumPie Fri 15-Mar-13 20:07:08

0808 2000 247

That's the number for women's aid. It says for domestic violence, but I'm assuming you are afraid your DD will be forcibly removed from you? If so I would class that as domestic violence. You could also call the non emergency police number for help

Username123 Fri 15-Mar-13 20:07:40

Thought of hotel, but all more then £50 for the night.

Never thought of police funnily enough. Will go there. Thank you.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 15-Mar-13 20:09:41

No advice, just support - i hope you manage to sort something out soon x

myroomisatip Fri 15-Mar-13 20:11:04

Ahh Bless you. Good luck. Come and back and let us know how you are!

bishboschone Fri 15-Mar-13 20:11:16

Bloody hell!! How old is your dd? Yes go to the police . Hope that can help you .

gloucestergirl Fri 15-Mar-13 20:11:52

This sounds like a horrible situation, but can you hide at a friend's place, or a hotel lobbey for a few hours? Are they likely to camp outside your house/flat? Then sleep on it at home and come up with a plan for you and your daughter? If things are really desperate can you re-locate to a different part of the country and start in a hostel in a private room or B and B, both cheap options.

LowLevelWhinging Fri 15-Mar-13 20:14:52

Women's aid is for domestic abuse, so not just violence. Controlling behaviour is abuse. Threatening to take your daughter is abuse.

the police will be able to point you in the right direction.

Good luck op.

Have pm'ed you OP

DameFanny Fri 15-Mar-13 20:16:07

Police are best so they can't report you as missing, or as having kidnapped your dd.

Also do talk to women's aid about getting into a refuge.

Is your ex on the birth certificate? You need to see a solicitor about getting an emergency residence order.

So sorry you're going through this. Stay safe. thanks for you and a bear for dd.

Username123 Fri 15-Mar-13 21:01:06

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the replies. Am currently sitting in the police station and the police have been WONDERFUL. Truly helpful.

They put me in touch with one of their solicitors, who has arranged an appointment with me for tomorrow but has advised that emergency residency orders can take about a week, so not to let ex have any contact with her until then.

They have also arranged a bed and breakfast for me to go to. Just waiting on a cab to take me there. Ex called me while I was there and the very nice police woman took my phone and informed him that he was not to contact me again and any future correspondence should be done via a solicitor and that if he broke it she would take great pleasure in arresting him for harassment.

Basically, we were together for 3 years and he seemed normal! Then we have DD (who has just turned 1) and suddenly his spine disappeared and his domineering mother showed her true colours. She referred to my daughter as her own, called me 'Aunty'! and convinced her son that everything I did for our daughter was killing her. I was criticised for BF because it meant GM couldn't feed 'her' daughter. I was expected to spend Christmas day alone while DD went to GM's with her dad as Christmas is 'family' time and I have no family. The fact that I am her fucking mother, is obviously just a mere detail.

I ran like hell and split up with my partner, which freaked out GM even more as she had even less control. Hence this apparent 'discussion' tonight.

But thank you. Seriously, as stupid as it sounds I never thought of going to the police station and they have been complete angels tonight.

Thank you.

FayeKorgasm Fri 15-Mar-13 21:08:49

Take care. You are so brave.

Xales Fri 15-Mar-13 21:10:59


For all the bad stories about the police out there they have been brilliant for you tonight.

Good luck!

kinkyfuckery Fri 15-Mar-13 21:14:55

You've made a very brave move tonight. Let us know how things go with the solicitor tomorrow.

Sugarice Fri 15-Mar-13 21:16:10

I really hope you and your daughter are ok.

Take lots of care and thinking of you tonight.

Sunshinewithshowers Fri 15-Mar-13 21:18:35

Take Care both of you xxxx

BubblegumPie Fri 15-Mar-13 21:32:31

I'm so pleased you've sorted it, well done! flowers

beachyhead Fri 15-Mar-13 21:35:20

Sleep well and congratulations on being so brave

Wonderland121 Fri 15-Mar-13 21:37:33

So glad to read you have somewhere safe to now go with your DD,
Stay warm & take care.

Username123 Fri 15-Mar-13 21:47:43

Thank you all for your kind words. I have to admit I do not feel brave. I feel fucking terrified.

But tomorrow I'm going to the bank to withdraw money from my savings, have an appointment with the solicitor and on Monday will call woman's Aid/ Local Council in regards to more permanent accommodation.

But for now, DD is snuggled up fast asleep and no one is taking her anywhere, so I'm doing alright.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 15-Mar-13 21:54:22

Username123, you are an inspiration - the very best of luck to you and your DD, she is lucky to have you xxx

curiousgeorgie Fri 15-Mar-13 21:56:47

I wish I had something helpful to add, but can only say good luck and cuddle your daughter tight, she's so lucky to have you x

OhDearieDearieMe Fri 15-Mar-13 21:58:21

Blimey. What a situation. Utmost respect to you for holding it together and keeping both of you safe. Good luck and God bless.

ElectricSheep Fri 15-Mar-13 22:00:22

Good luck OP, will be thinking of you. Hope things get sorted next week.

Good luck OP. Glad you've got some support. Thinking of you xxx

DameFanny Fri 15-Mar-13 22:06:18

Oh phew grin. Well done. So happy to hear you're being looked after - and women's aid will be able to help - even if they don't have refuge space they'll be able to help you with access to other services, and people in similar boats to make you feel less alone smile

Awks Fri 15-Mar-13 22:09:36

well done you - here's to the start of a better life for you both. Keep in touch on here and tell us your exciting future news xxxxx

Well done username, sorry not to pm you back earlier, sick kids needed me. I have messaged you the Housing number for your local council.

So relieved the Police were helpful and that you and your dd have a roof over your head tonight.

elportodelgato Fri 15-Mar-13 22:12:36

Username I am in east London too, if you need a hand hold tomorrow or in fact anytime then PM me, I am around. You are one BRAVE woman, I wish you luck, please don't hesitate to ask for help anytime

Slainte Fri 15-Mar-13 22:12:47

Well done, hopefully this is the start of your great new life. It's brilliant that you have shown your daughter what is not acceptable in a relationship.

piprabbit Fri 15-Mar-13 22:19:18

You might not feel brave - but you have been very, very brave and you should be proud of yourself.
Good luck.

Viviennemary Fri 15-Mar-13 22:24:24

I had to read your post a few times before it sank in. And then I realised your DD was only a baby and your DH and his mother intended to take her from you. You have done the right thing to seek police protection from this pair of nutcases. I hope you get things sorted out soon.

GrumpyKat Fri 15-Mar-13 22:27:43

Glad you are safe with your little one. Sleep well and good luck for tomorrow.

TheSecondComing Fri 15-Mar-13 22:33:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

borninastorm Fri 15-Mar-13 22:47:47

I don't know you but I'm so proud of you. You've done the right thing and your dd has a strong, brave mum that she'll be able to look up to as she grows.

I am so pleased to hear the police have been amazing for you. We often only hear bad things about them.

Stay strong, the future's yours and your dd's.

JassyRadlett Fri 15-Mar-13 23:03:18

OP, your daughter is so lucky to have a mum like you. So glad the police have been helpful and the right steps are being taken.

Username123 Sat 16-Mar-13 08:43:28

Thank you again for all your lovely replies.

For the first time ever DD slept through the night, so I'm taking that as her approval for what I'm doing (nothing to do with the fact she went to bed 3 hours later than usual!).

I have a lot to do today, but just wanted to say thank you again.

beachyhead Sat 16-Mar-13 09:28:02

Well you've got a busy day ahead, but first day of the rest of your lives... I know it's a cliche but its true...

Good luck and keep in touch. We are all standing behind you in a long line, willing you forward grin

BubblegumPie Sat 16-Mar-13 09:58:20

Good luck today! smile

HeySoulSister Sat 16-Mar-13 10:03:22

Gooduck from me too!!

peedoffbird Sat 16-Mar-13 10:07:31

Wow you're amazing! Take care today and let us know how you're doing x

Best of luck and very well done for your immediate action smile

moisturiser Sat 16-Mar-13 10:13:31

So glad the police have been helpful.
This woman sounds utterly unhinged. I hope the solicitor is helpful and things get sorted. I can imagine you felt terrified last night!

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 16-Mar-13 10:30:37

Brave people don't feel brave... they feel terrified and take action anyway.

You Are Brave.

WonderingPast Sat 16-Mar-13 11:14:37

My very best wishes for today. I was impressed last night by how quickly you sorted things out, from packing to McDonalds to here to police to being asleep. Go you!

DameFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 11:39:27

I think this deserves a [pom pom wave]. Well done you and dd grin

Slainte Sat 16-Mar-13 13:47:52

Thinking of you today, best of luck to you and your DD.

brianbennettfan Sat 16-Mar-13 19:08:45

Wishing you all the luck in the world and every happiness in your new nutter-free life. God bless and take care. x x thanks

Hope your meeting with the solicitor went well username. Are the Police able to accompany you to your property to fetch some items you might need for dd and yourself?

TisILeclerc Sat 16-Mar-13 20:30:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Mar-13 21:00:52

I was thinking about you today, hoping it all turned out well - and thankfully it has

cjel Sat 16-Mar-13 21:03:51

Just wanted to say that you are amazing. Lovely to hear you acted first and thought what next after. YOu kept dd very safe.You did just everything right and didn't let all the what ifs stop you. Hope you've had a good day.x

Username123 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:32:35

Thank you again for your lovely words, they are making me feel a bit stronger about all of this.

Today went about as well as it could have. The solicitor is a bloody angel, I swear it. She walked me through everything, got the stuff sorted for the emergency residency order, gave me advice on what benefits I'm entitled to, advised me to stay at the B&B until the order is in place then I can go home and finally told me to log each and every time ex and his crazy arse mother contact me, in what form and what they say and to let her know so she can arrange a restraining order if needed. Oh and she has drafted letter to send to ex and crazy mother informing them all contact should go through her, not me.

A couple of friends came with me (big scary mean types!) to my house to collect more of the things we need. I 'packed' last night in about 3 minutes so had 3 bras, one pair of underwear, no socks, 2 pairs of jeans and a vest top. The baby had similar lack of organised clothing.

So now we have clothes that match and are weather appropriate, money and a place to stay for the next week at least. Things are moving so fast my head is spinning slightly, but thankfully because it is so fast I don't have time to over think things, freak out and terrify myself.

As soon as the order comes through I can go back home and get back to vague normality.

Again, thank you. Can't say it enough.

Slainte Sat 16-Mar-13 21:34:43

Sounds like you did loads today, you must be exhausted. Hope you both get another good night's sleep.

NotMostPeople Sat 16-Mar-13 21:36:58

I wish you the very best of luck, your dd will thank you when she's older.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 16-Mar-13 21:37:03

grin at 3 bras and no socks. Sorry can't help myself blush

Glad your day went so well smile

TisILeclerc Sat 16-Mar-13 21:42:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Username123 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:49

Lol, I had my own 'WTF?' Moment when I looked at my clothes this morning. Thankfully I had a cardigan on yesterday so wasn't completely freezing!

Beckamaw Sat 16-Mar-13 21:52:42

Another 'Yay!'
You are awesome and your little DD is so lucky. My youngest is the same age, so this especially resonates with me.
Sorry you are being put through this. So many women wouldn't have your balls. You are doing great!

GrumpyKat Sat 16-Mar-13 22:16:52

Just checked in and so glad to see you are coping so well. Who needs socks anyway? grin

BubblegumPie Sun 17-Mar-13 00:11:17

This thread is giving me a warm fuzzy feeling, so pleased you've had such amazing support OP. And you've handled yourself brilliantly, keep up the good work!

Well done Username123 sounds like you are a fab Mum looking out for your Dd's best interest.

SpecialAgentKat Sun 17-Mar-13 00:32:13

I am in awe of you.

Just caught up. Here's some wine wine wine for you and your big, scary, mean friends!

annielouisa Sun 17-Mar-13 13:16:22

This brings back huge memories for me I received a telegram (over 30 years ago) from my EXH basically saying get out of house and leave the girls they are mine. I was petrified he was violent and his DM and DF took his side in eveything.

No mumsnet in those days but I too went to the police and they were wonderful. Funnily he backed down when I told him I had shown the police the telegram and he tried to make out he had not sent it.

Be strong OP do not let these poisonous people spoil the wonder of ther relationship you have with your DD. You will be in my thoughts.

cjel Sun 17-Mar-13 17:33:10

So pleased you have found an angel and big scary mean friends. No more than you deserve.xx

MooMooSkit Sun 17-Mar-13 17:43:29

You are doing so well - well done you! If you need anything (it sounds like you have lots of friends tho) please pm me, i lived in e london till i was 22 and still visit reguarly x

MushroomSoup Sun 17-Mar-13 19:47:21

Bloody hell, well done you xx

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 17-Mar-13 20:03:19

I never cease to be amazed by the resiliance and strength of mothers on here! I'm in awe of you OP xx

EllaFitzgerald Sun 17-Mar-13 20:10:43

Nothing helpful to add, but you've been massively brave, even if you don't feel like it. You should be proud of yourself. A very difficult situation for you but you and your little one are safe and sound and getting the advice and support you need, and that's because of you. Keep strong.

cjel Wed 20-Mar-13 23:08:08

How you doing?

Username123 Fri 22-Mar-13 13:38:39

We're doing well!

The ERO came through yesterday, so tomorrow we will be moving back into our own house.

Have had not one single piece of contact from Ex or his family. I guess the police visit and solicitors letters were enough to scare them away, at least for now.

Have requested the HA to move us to another property (so Ex doesn't have address) but they seem unable to do this without putting us in temporary accommodation first, which I want to avoid as DD has enough upheavals at the moment! Solicitor is trying to convince them otherwise, but I guess my luck with amazingly helpful people have run out!

But yeah, we're doing great. Thank you all again for your lovely words and posts!

annie I thought only my Ex was dickhead enough to believe that I would just hand over my child with no arguments. Sorry for bring up bad memories for you sad

I've just come across this now.
I have to say, it is so inspiring to read this.
I hope it goes well for you. You certainly deserve it.
Well done and good luck!!!!

cjel Fri 22-Mar-13 18:20:38

Hope you get the move you want. I have had more bullying txts from mine this week, Threatening if I don't do what he wants he will appoint his solicitor to reclaim 'his' money.!!! Wish you and DD peace and happiness.

DameFanny Sat 23-Mar-13 09:53:11

Oh good news! Have you had help to change the locks, and made sure the address is flagged with the police?

Slainte Tue 26-Mar-13 22:47:48

Thinking of you OP and hope you're managing to stay strong.

Username123 Fri 19-Apr-13 20:58:25


Just thought I would come back and give you lovely people an update.

We are doing really well still. No need to change locks as Ex never lived here, but I didn't want a shouting match on the doorstep in front of my daughter or them trying to break in by force or something, which is why I felt it safer to run.

As for Ex, he is now claiming he doesn't believe DD is his and wants a DNA test hmm, probably because CSA contacted him! So the test has been done and submitted and should have outcome soon. Bloody idiot. But other than that it is the only contact I've had from him or his family. I think the police officer and solicitors letter must have terrified them!

HA are still being slow in getting a move, but frankly, if this silence continues from Ex I'm happy to stay here.

DD is doing amazingly well. She is so bright and happy and far more intelligent then I give her credit for. and she is mine

Thank you all again for your lovely words of advice, support and offers of help. Serious thanks to those who offered to come with me to various appointments. I know I didn't take you up on them, but I really did appreciate them. Also thanks to the people who took the time to PM me with advice and telephone numbers, it was a huge help.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 19-Apr-13 21:05:52

So glad everything is panning out for you.

Well done, keep doing what you're doing, you and Dd will be fine flowers xx

indianrani Fri 19-Apr-13 21:15:27

You are a brave and courageous woman. I hope you get sorted with the accomodation and custody of your DD. Don't be frightened, today you made the hardest step, be proud of yourself. Best of luck.

CatelynStark Fri 19-Apr-13 21:17:02

I've just seen this thread and wanted to say that you have been brave and amazing so bloody well done!

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