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Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

(137 Posts)
50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:07:48

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

elfycat Mon 11-Mar-13 21:12:01

The only things I can think of are a bit mean (for him).

You'll have to confront him of course. I'd be inclined to send her a message introducing yourself.

Take a few minutes for yourself now. Get the heart rate and adrenaline down before you do anything else.

almostanotherday Mon 11-Mar-13 21:15:50

What an arsehole! I would be fuming with him!!!

almostanotherday Mon 11-Mar-13 21:18:01

Not quite sure what I would say but it would be over a few days, I would be ignoring him for as long as it took until he asked what was wrong, then I would reply "oh I did not think you had a wife" and see what his reply was before deciding what to do next.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 11-Mar-13 21:18:14

How awful for you sad

Agree that don't do anything rash, I would imagine if you confront your dh he will downplay the messages and say they meant nothing etc etc! Denying you exist is pretty shitty and must hurt like hell atm!

How long has he been messaging her?

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:24:45

Kind of panicked when I realised I was on his account and shocked - logged out. Only saw the history of Wednesday and Saturday. Have opened the wine!,,, he is away this week working so don't have to face him! Was supposed to meet him tomorrow night and stay with him at his work for a couple of nights but really don't feel like that now.

Geordieminx Mon 11-Mar-13 21:34:00

I know it's probably going to be hard but take a deep breath and think rationally.

It would be the easiest thing in the world to confront him, he denies it and then just covers his tracks.

Box clever... Take a step back and observe. Is it just a few messages? Is he in any other contact with her (text email etc). Is there anyone else?

Think about what you want too, can you get over it or is this the end of the line for your relationship, if its the latter take a bit of time to get your house in order before you kick him out... I don't mean actual house.. More what you are gonna do..

Good luck, be calm and stay strong

ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 21:46:25

Oh blimey OP how awful for you.

Don't you dare worry about "how you saw these things"

Don't let him make you take on any guilt whatsoever.

He's the damn arsehole here.

He's 100 percent in the wrong.

If you want to get over this it will be on your terms not his.

AbbyLou Mon 11-Mar-13 21:50:10

Are you sure he's away working? He is not being very careful if he had all that on a computer and then left it logged in. Maybe he wanted you to see it as a cowardly way of letting you know.
I'm so sorry for you. It must be horrible not being able to confront him.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:54:49

Feel really angry now. How can he say all those nice things to me and then say things to her like - I'm glad you told me how you feel! You've made me smile! What memories do you hold? OW saying her marriage is crap and how she had such strong feelings for my DH! He's leading her on, she's falling for it! Now I've read it, I can't not think about it. I now know what music the used to have sex to ahhhhh. Won't be able to listen to 'Gold' again by spandau ballet.

almostanotherday Mon 11-Mar-13 22:06:41

Oh no, I'm so sorry for you, I still have no real advice, can you get on the Facebook and get any of this printed out and then ask him about it all?

something2say Mon 11-Mar-13 22:07:04

That's so hurtful isn't it.

forgetmenots Mon 11-Mar-13 22:08:24

I'm afraid I agree with abbyLou, and I'd be packing up his things. Not because of the flirting/reminiscing, but the denial about you and then having sex with you just after he's been chatting to her.

Think he needs to leave at least until you both know what you want.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 22:18:34

Looked her up on FB, she lives miles away is married with two young kids! No worries on them hooking up Yet unless they organise it! She's obviously unhappy and locking on to her first love. Feel quite sorry for her but he's leading her on. He's away but is with some of my work colleagues too so i know where he is! He's obviously insecure, always has craved attention!

ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 22:41:18

So its ok then is it?

Phew. Naughty him leading her on.

Poor him being insecure.

Poor him craving attention.

Don't worry OP he's yours.

So that's fine.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 22:47:30

No it's not ok. But I now know I have some time to do something! Just not sure what yet! Hence being on mumsnet drinking wine! What do you suggest clippedphoenix?

Doha Mon 11-Mar-13 22:53:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 11-Mar-13 22:56:17

If you don't stop this now, it will escalate. You need to make your H aware that you have seen this. If he lies or plays it down then there is more to it.

When I discovered 100 texts a day to OW during the six weeks after XH walked out then came back, I told him that he had betrayed me and his best mate. He denied the contact and said they were just friends who were supporting each other.

We are now divorced and he is still "supporting" his best mates wife behind his back.

So. IMO, the contact is inappropriate but may not have crossed the line yet. Your H needs to be totally honest with you about how far it has gone and cut all contact with her. You also need to think about what you want.

notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 22:56:41

I now know what music the used to have sex to ahhhhh. Won't be able to listen to 'Gold' again by spandau ballet.

Dump him just for this! 'Gold'! FFS

Monty27 Mon 11-Mar-13 22:57:41

A similar thing happened to me, picked up laptop and saw a message to an ex, I kept quiet, it was one of the Monty secret ingredients to dumping someone who in my immediate opinion was, disingenious, untrustworty, add your own here.. or very very stupid.

He was asking her how old her dc's are now and if she's still running her restaurants and saying he was always wanting to come back and settle in Unamed town (which is where they had their fling and a long long way away from where we were living together).

He's gone. I'm well rid. I don't take rubbish. None.


notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 23:00:51

But on a more serious note... yes it does look bad. But...I'm not making excuses for him at all but it is dead easy to flirt with exes/guys from school/old colleagues etc via virtual media.

It doesn't necessarily lead to anything. We are all human and it's kind of fun to revisit our younger selves.

I know I probably wouldn't feel like that in your position and I'd probably feel sick to my stomach, but I haven't been above a little meaningless online flirting with blasts from the past myself and I know I wouldn't have acted on it or even dreamt of meeting up. It was just something a bit playful, flattering, harmless.

But I'm a woman and maybe men will always take these things more seriously if a shag might be in the offing

Dottiespots Mon 11-Mar-13 23:07:01

Hi....not nice for you 5000. Well I suppose if it were me I would now be doing more digging. Checking the history, going through his fb private messages, checking places in the house where he might keep letters or cards. Making sure that even though he is with workmates of yours that he IS there tonight all night. He could still be meeting up with her. She can travel cant she? Do you mind saying why you were split up (on a break) 6 months ago?

filingdrivesmemad Mon 11-Mar-13 23:09:33

I wouldn't worry too much about his ex, she probably doesn't look anything like she did 20 years ago! If they ever did meet up, he'd probably have a huge shock. He is fantasising about other women, however that is a worry.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 23:18:59

We split cause I was experiencing issues with my teenager from my first marriage and I put her first and moved out! I still have my own house so can have my independence from him whenever I want! I don't actually need him for myself or my kids to live, but I do love him and want to be with him! It is purely an emotional relationship.

notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 23:30:32

I wouldn't worry too much about his ex, she probably doesn't look anything like she did 20 years ago!

Exactly. You can behave differently online to the way you would in real life, because it is not real... exes still look young in your mind whereas in RL they wouldn't.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 23:35:30

Believe me he doesn't look like he used to either. He had lovely thick black hair then! Lol -think I have had far too much wine now!

notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 23:38:37


Bluelightsandsirens Mon 11-Mar-13 23:42:51

grin best to do nothing tonigh and then wait for him to come back and talk to him. It may be nothing more than an ego boost (ok if you are happy to deal with that) it may be more but without snooping further knowing more now your best bet is to go to bed.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 23:52:09

Night all, will think again in the morning, thanks for replying! :-)

Monty27 Tue 12-Mar-13 00:27:48

Addendum to my previous post

5000 I was in the same situation, didn't need him financially.

I forgot to say that he put his mobile number on there and there were no further messages between either (in the space of 10 months from the message and me inadvertently seeing it). But whether or not they had been in contact by mobile I don't know. I just wasn't risking it.

I told him about seeing it <honest> he was very angry, it wasn't my fault, I thought it was my fb.....

His reaction was enough. Goodbye, can't trust ya.

sar1133 Tue 12-Mar-13 06:06:12

Next time he rings have gold playin in background and tell him he accidentally left his fb logged in!

On a more serious note I would probably dig too. Probably a bored housewife. And he is having his ego boosted too. However the denial would crucify me too.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 11:37:45

how grubby

how can you still have respect for a partner that acts like this ?

and what does it do to your own self respect if you minimise it, make excuses for it and accept meaningless apologies?

< shakes head in bewilderment >

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Mar-13 11:47:08

" I don't actually need him for myself or my kids to live"

That's the problem here. You don't need him and he doesn't need you. Flirting with exes and pretending to be single is just an indication of where he sees the relationship i.e.... it's optional. You're two independent people that happen to be together rather than a team. If you want to make a go of it as a couple you have to decide between you whether it's serious enough to make a commitment or that it was a mistake to get back together

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 12-Mar-13 13:58:41

The issue here isn't whether he's gagging to be 20 again, or wants to see his ex, or won't, or might, or is still with you OP, or that it's "easy on FB".

The issue is he has denied your existence. That's how much he thinks of you.
He has told his ex that the 11 yrs you have been together never happened.

Does that not make you feel like grabbing a tiny bit of your self respect back with both hands and running for the hills?

forgetmenots Tue 12-Mar-13 14:16:28

Applause for the last three posts, I thought it was just me! Why is this acceptable? I realise it won't be make-or-break for everyone but it's a serious act of disrespect and cocklodgery!

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 19:06:16

Been thinking about this all day, did some snooping and he's messaged her again, this time I logged into his account. The words are killing me and I can't unread them. He's text me three times today and phoned 3 times, haven't picked up or relied. sad

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 19:12:18

So sorry OP, I imagine what he said was pretty damaging.

Un-MN hugs. He's a bastard and you deserve better.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 19:18:22

Hi OP.....I thought that this might happen. O god. You have read some horrible stuff havnt you.......? Im sorry......! Do you want to tell us ....sad

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 19:23:07

what you going to do? Id be tempted to text him and say "I know everything about you and your ex girlfriend. All your stuff is waiting for you. You wont be living here anymore.

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 19:27:17

Do you want to confront him, or wait until he's back?

I would suggest - if you can bear to - that you dig about through his online history, mobile bills etc., as this may provide a but more detail or proof for you if you do decide to confront him.

Unfortunately men like this will often lie and lie until theory are presented with the evidence of their deception. Even then it's common for them to only tell you as little as they can get away with. So it's worth trying to do the investigating before they know that you know, as once the cat's out if the bag, they tend to be much more stringent about their phones, passwords etc.

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 19:31:23

Oh dear, my anger just got the better of me. Have sent him a horrible text! That's it - can't come back from that!

Timetoask Tue 12-Mar-13 19:38:19

Mid life crisis, for both the idiot h and the idiot old girl friend. Why do people destroy their good lives like this I will never understand.

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 19:39:28

Just messages her on Facebook and introduced myself and told her I might share with her husband - I'm fuming!

Xales Tue 12-Mar-13 19:42:43

OK step away from the keyboard texts now.

What you have done is understandable, it is enough though. Bloody annoying as it is don't let yourself be lowered by their actions.


tametortie Tue 12-Mar-13 19:49:38

I think I would do the same....

What did you say to him? Any reply?

I would be fuming also.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 19:52:48

haha....O...OP...what a rush you must have had!!!! I would have done exactly the same. What a feeling. Are you ok?

Snazzynewyear Tue 12-Mar-13 19:53:43

Quickly take copies or screenshots of the messages you found though so he can't deny it's been happening.

Has he responded to your message? I would be putting his stuff in bin bags while you wait. So disrespectful.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 19:54:07

I know its not funny but I also know at that very minute you did it there would have been a feeling of power.

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 19:54:40

Agree with xales. It's so tempting to scream bloody murder now but it won't make you feel any better. Plus if you do this he will use your behaviour against you to dodge the issue of his.

Try and remember as well that she didn't know he is married - he's the one that has lied.

Stropzilla Tue 12-Mar-13 19:54:57

I hope youre ok OP. what a shocker and not surprised you sent messages. Im sure you were more restrained than I would have been.

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 19:55:40

YY - definitely get screenshots of the evidence so that he can't deny it.

Wonderland121 Tue 12-Mar-13 19:58:30

Hope your ok op, sending your hug

ihatethecold Tue 12-Mar-13 20:02:30

Have you had a response op?

ihatethecold Tue 12-Mar-13 20:03:15

Have you had a response yet OP?
I hope you are ok!

kinkyfuckery Tue 12-Mar-13 20:03:46

Hope you are ok

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 20:05:12

I know that if I didn't let the cat out the bag that I wouldn't be able to not keep looking. I'd keep snooping and read more hurtful things. Couldn't let it continue and me keep watching! Told him id seen it on fb and to enjoy her, called him the b word and that was it! Private messaged her saying I was his wife and maybe I would share with her husband - but I won't (didn't say that to her) 14 missed calls, two texts, three voicemails.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 20:09:26

what do the texts and voicemails say....

Stropzilla Tue 12-Mar-13 20:09:34

Well done. Are you booting him out?

Xales Tue 12-Mar-13 20:10:14

Did you take screen shots as suggested in case you decide to divorce? You can use them for unreasonable behavior.

Don't let this be turned on you for snooping he is the one firmly in the wrong.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 20:10:22

I agree with you. You couldnt keep seeing that. Its heartbreaking. You have taken control now.

tametortie Tue 12-Mar-13 20:14:10

What do the texts say?

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 20:16:32

Oh yes, 4 screen shots all in my iCloud on all devices - 20 missed calls, 4 voicemails, my phones in the bin! Yes feel good now, will probably crumble later when the bin stops vibrating, but will take it as it comes!

LTB, been here.
The calls, the texts ; panic. If he cared he wouldn't minimise what you had like he has.

Xales Tue 12-Mar-13 20:19:09

You are on a high now. You are right you will probably crash. You are going to go through anger, sadness, wanting him close, wanting to kill him.

It is all natural and expected. Be as kind as you can be to yourself and take as long as you need for yourself.

Stay strong, you really do not need someone who denies your existence especially with an ex.

Don't crumble, he's a bastard.

I think you've done the right thing. It will probably never seem as hard as it does right now.

Stropzilla Tue 12-Mar-13 20:19:40

Ok take the phone out the bin and just turn itt off. You are stronger than you know. You will be fine.

Ahhhcrap Tue 12-Mar-13 20:19:43

Hang in there OP and look after you!

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 20:29:25

OP....were with you on this ok.....your not alone. Keep posting.x

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 12-Mar-13 20:42:35

OP - I really feel for you. What a shock for you and I'm so sorry for you that this happened.

However - I just wanted to say something here. Maybe your DH is just acting like a total dick and writing out of escapism for something silly or egoistic. Maybe he just wanted to see if "he still had it". I'm not excusing his behaviour - he acted like a dickwad.


Don't get caught up in the "leave the bastard" encouragements because that isnt' helpful to you when you're feeling so emotional.

Could he possibly have a reason for his behaviour?

I know it must make you feel sick to read his FB posts, specially that he denied your existence (and the Gold bit!) but.... always good to listen to what he has to say too. Perhaps he just acted out of ego and didnt' think of the consequences (he wasn't too worried if he didnt' protect his FB account).

Listen to what he has to say and take it from there.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 20:52:38

I would take the phone out of the bin and listen to all the messages but dont react until you have read all of them and had a couple of hours to digest everything. Is there a possibility he could have left where he is and be on his way to talk to you?? Listening to the messages will tell you.

WishIdbeenatigermum Tue 12-Mar-13 21:09:24

Uppatree why?
OP doesn't need him. There are no prizes for long service and he's deceived her- why should she stay in the relationship?

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 21:29:52

Been for a hot shower! The bins gone quiet for 10 mins! Opened the most expensive bottle of fizz! I did listen to voicemail, panic mostly! 'Sorry I've f'd everything up. Please answer. I'm a fool, nothing in it, no interest!, im stupid' 'really really want us to work'. I can't think but not going to cave (try not to cave).

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 21:31:55

By the way, thanks everyone! Don't know what I'd have done without this!

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 21:35:34

I think upatree is trying to suggest that making major decisions when you have just had a big shock, is not the best idea.

SquidgyMummy Tue 12-Mar-13 21:38:48

see what he says when he gets back.
for a start you shouldn't be able to see him because he should be behind the most enormous bunch of flowers

newbiefrugalgal Tue 12-Mar-13 21:39:56

Hugs OP
Hope you are ok (although I know you are going through hell!)
Been there(still there)

Enjoy the bubbles you deserve them!

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 12-Mar-13 21:40:50

Listen to what he has to say. It's not 'caving' to listen.

Don't make judgements when you're drinking though.

How far away from you is he? If he's close, I'd hope that he's making his way back to you now to explain everything.

OP might not NEED him but she might WANT him. Different.

If it were me, I'd want it sorted out and I would be hoping for something that excused his behaviour so I could reason with it and get my life back.

Let's hope that that is the case with the OP. He did do something stupid on FB but he didn't really decive her. He still has a lifeline in my book.

Good luck OP!

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:40:55

A bunch of flowers would be put straight in the trash, in my house.

I wouldn't be able to see him for the packed suitcases on the doorstep.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:42:56

He didn't deceive who?

The OP ? Oh, you mean those lies of omission are not deception ? Denying her existence to another woman he is flirting with is not deceit ?

Or he didn't deceive the OW ? He just forgot to tell her he had a wife ?

An understandable mistake, if you have had a lobotomy, I suppose.

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 12-Mar-13 21:45:19

I wouldn't want a bunch of flowers either. But AF...... would you suggest an overnight case or a suitcase for good? You are so black and white!

Same her AF.

This is a case of suitcases on the doorstep.

I have to agree with AF here, he's deceitful to everyone when he suits and now he's been caught. His behaviour is inexcusable.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:48:38

This is a black and white example of pure disrespect.

The OP's H think he has the right to deny her existence to chat up another woman.

Well yes, he can do that if he wishes, it's a totally free country. But he wouldn't be doing it in my house, on my time.

Perhaps you would tolerate it, Uppa, to hang onto your marriage ? I wouldn't, and I am not unusual in that.

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 12-Mar-13 21:49:15

Ah come on.....he was a shit! No doubt.

The worst thing he did in my bood was to deny her existence.

Would it have been worse to say he had a miserable partnership?

I dunno - sometimes there's a reason. The guy is a putz, for sure. But maybe there is something to be saved here.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:50:15

I need to have respect for my husband. I couldn't respect such a foolish and cliched joke of a man such as this one.

forgetmenots Tue 12-Mar-13 21:50:35

Agree with AF. Overnight case at the very, very least - wouldn't get through the door.

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 21:51:19

Any bunch of flowers would be rammed so far up his arse, he'd be choking on the petals.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:52:04

Deny OP's existence versus lie about a miserable relationship ?

Neither of those things, of course.

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 12-Mar-13 21:54:56

I think i tend to avoid uncertainty in my life and I avoid confrontation and always look for the best outcome.

Probably I shouldn't post on relationships.

CatelynStark Tue 12-Mar-13 21:57:12

Never mind the suitcases, I'd have already lobbed his clothes out of the window!

Bunch of flowers! That made me laugh!

50000feet Tue 12-Mar-13 21:58:23

Heart thumping again, there was someone outside, he is two hours away! But false alarm, my next door neighbour! It's interesting what your both saying, cause my head saying both sides too! Need time!

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:58:25

Uppa, you have an opinion. It is your own to give.

You hate uncertainty ? I cannot think of anything more uncertain and destabilising than excusing and minimising the actions of a deceitful man. Taking control of the situation is the most certain outcome of all. IMO>

He was embarking on an emotional affair, reliving sex with a former girlfriend, AND denied the existence of his wife.... Not a small thing.

It can be overcome, but it is not a small thing.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 22:00:20

Uppa, you should post where you like. As long as you don't get too arsey with people picking up on man-pleasing and appeasing approaches to being treated like shit.

Xales Tue 12-Mar-13 22:01:24

I think that reminiscing sexually about the things this other person did and then having sex with OP so soon after is a massive emotional betrayal.

I would feel cheap and unclean and struggle to be intimate with that person again.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 22:02:34

OP, the most useful time you can buy yourself to think without this deceitful crying and wailing all over you and pushing you to forgive him is to give him his marching orders. Get him out of your sight so you can process this properly.

Otherwise, the crocodile tears and woe-is-me bullshit will confuse you.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Mar-13 22:03:56

deceitful man

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 12-Mar-13 22:05:28

Ok - if it were me and I confonted my DH over a message he sent on FB, I would expect at the very least that he would make every effort to get home asap no matter where he was.

tribpot Tue 12-Mar-13 22:06:51

Could he possibly have a reason for his behaviour?

Like .. he was researching a novel on a man who starts an inappropriate text-based relationship with an ex whilst supposed to be mending his marriage?

Doha Tue 12-Mar-13 22:11:59

No respect= no relationship.

The end

In my experience men who do this kind of thing will do it over and over again. If he's not actually shagging this time, maybe the next. Myself, I would be glad to find out and get rid.

jynier Tue 12-Mar-13 22:31:07

So sorry, OP, that this has happened to you! You are probably still in shock; listen to the wise people on here! (Also think that he had sex with you on Saturday because he had been turned-on by the old GF and he was just using your body as a vessel for his ejaculation fluid!)

comingintomyown Tue 12-Mar-13 22:33:16

Sadly he doesnt really seem that committed to starting over your relationship does he ?

I would probably cut my losses if you have broken up before and now this, flogging dead horses and all that

comingintomyown Tue 12-Mar-13 22:34:08

Thats revolting and rather a cruel comment jynier

TicTacSir Tue 12-Mar-13 22:38:31

jynier that's a bit cruel and thoughtless. OP I suggest you stop drinking even though it helps A LOT (at the time) and talk face to face.
Have you had a FB reply from ex-gf? She'll no doubt be mortified. Good.

almostanotherday Tue 12-Mar-13 22:38:56

Let him beg forgiveness for a few days, I think I would still want to scream at him right now. I think you are being very strong and much calmer than I would be OP, well done.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 22:49:39

I would think you do have a lot to think about 5000 and maybe you dont want this to be the end of your relationship and that is ok. There is really no right and wrong. Sometimes things happen because the relationship is going through a bad patch and your idiot man had his head and ego turned by a blast from the past. He was stupid as he says. Very stupid but only you and he can decide if there is any way back from this. Lots of relationships do recover from things like this and worse. Sometimes realising what you both could lose makes you realise what you really want. It doesnt make you weak and it doesnt mean that he will do it again. What it does mean is that you are a grown up who realises things are not always going to be black and white.

notthesamenametoday Tue 12-Mar-13 22:54:11

Also think that he had sex with you on Saturday because he had been turned-on by the old GF and he was just using your body as a vessel for his ejaculation fluid!

Really can't believe someone wrote this while claiming to have sympathy. Sick and horrible.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 12-Mar-13 22:55:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jynier Tue 12-Mar-13 22:58:26

OP - Very sorry if I offended you and others by my comments but was reminded that this was what used to happen to me; my XP was leading a double life and, in bed, sometimes used to mistake me for the OW.

Sincerely did not mean to upset anyone!

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 23:04:05

But love does exist without trust or respect. Thats the thing. Just because someone has broke your heart you dont stop loving them automatically. You dont trust then and you lose respect but you can still go on loving them. If we could turn love "off" then we would never get hurt.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 12-Mar-13 23:16:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jynier your comment may have been brutal but I suspect it's right on the money. I would hate to have sex with someone who had recently been fantasising about sex with his ex. Not a great leap to think he would still be doing it when he was with you.

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 08:00:58

Jynier's comment was blunt and to the point. It is also what I think OP was getting at in her first post and what is was trying to say. [Sad]

That is where this man is at in his relationship with OP. He is talking/remembering his sex with this ex and then hornet from that having sex with OP.

I get that sometimes many have a little fantasy romp with the actor/musician of thier choice mentally but I think what this man has done is worlds away from that.

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 08:01:56

Fat fingers and phone sorry for spellings. Hope that is understandable.

RachaelH1983 Wed 13-Mar-13 12:45:55

I've read the thread must be terrible to go thro this I hope u r ok x

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 18:27:01

How are you doing today 50000?

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 13-Mar-13 19:32:42

Hoping you are OK today 5000

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 19:59:33

Received a message from the ex gf on FB saying I should read all his messages as he's the one who said he was not in a relationship. Not going to answer her. She then messaged him asking why he lied, he's not answered yet. Lots of missed calls and voicemail. So, text him and asked him WHY, no answer yet.

Stropzilla Wed 13-Mar-13 20:03:09

It's good that she's questioning him, and not just blaming you/assuming you're an unstable ex. Sorry he's ignoring you now, what a shit.

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 20:17:27

Silly bint seems to be ignoring that she was a party to those messages and she is in a relationship. How did that slip her mind hmm

Anyway she is unimportant.

How are you coping? Do you have any friends or family to give you support or a real shoulder?

Sorry. sad

It would appear that he checked out of your marriage when you decided to have a break and did not really check in again when you decided to give it another go. I guess he was biding his time and keeping all his options open, trying to build new relationships to have something to move on to. That is how it seems to me.

AnyFucker Wed 13-Mar-13 20:37:38

Hopefully both of the women in this ridiculously entitled bloke's 3 way will kick him into touch

OP, you are not going to be the one who accepts the booby prize, are you ?

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 20:40:31

I've heard it all now, he left a long voicemail. Load of tosh! he's obviously had a day to make it up but it's still feeble. He kind of avoids answering the question and goes back to how much he loves me and quotes all the things that prove that! Funny your comment,pure - he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break.

"he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break."

He is projecting.
He is the one who has been embarking on new flirtations.

So, he is basically blaming you?


tribpot Wed 13-Mar-13 20:45:37

Funny how this is somehow your fault, OP. Amazing. If only you could have demonstrated commitment to the marriage he wouldn't have been having a text relationship with a third party. That makes sense.

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 20:48:40

Jynier and to those who commentated on Jyners remark. It was me who initiated the sex, he wanted to go out to eat, so I can claim back a little of my respect, but yes the retrospective thought still gets to me.

ILoveBagels Wed 13-Mar-13 23:28:51

do not allow him to blame you one tiny bit. this is his fuck up. i think not responding to him in any way, shape or form is the best thing you can do. it leaves him holding his own crap with no way to offload it on to you.

jynier Wed 13-Mar-13 23:39:04

I, also, used to initiate sex; thought that my XP was suffering from depression and had absolutely no idea that he had been conducting an affair with OW for 7 years! It was the most humiliating and degrading experience of my life when my XP mistook me for her and shagged me in his sleep! Couldn't wake him!

Hope that everything works out for you, OP!

whethergirl Thu 14-Mar-13 00:10:18

So sorry 50000. Can you really trust him again after this?

I couldn't. The seed of distrust just grew and grew and started to eat away at me. I became obsessed with snooping as I felt it was the only real way to get the truth.

My ex's attitude was similar, oh yes, he was SO sorry and begged me to stay with him etc but...btw, he only did it because I had become 'distant' with him.

But...guess what OP, he did do it again. Because arseholes like that do. You're either the type of person who does that or you're not.

Put it this way, logistics aside, if you were away somewhere, and she turned up on his doorstep wanting you think he would turn her away? Don't confuse him saying he didn't do anything with he wouldn't do anything.

This will be hard. Because he will minimise what he's done, and he will tell you how much you mean to him, and he will make you feel a little bit guilty (maybe she gave him the attention that he really craved from you? prepared for that kind of bullshit). If the idea of leaving him scares you, then you don't have to do it straight away. You can just wait until his utter disrespect towards you, his pathetic lying, the broken trust...will all begin to really dawn on you and over shadow any 'love' you have for him, because one day you'll just look at him and really see what twat he really is.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 14-Mar-13 00:12:00

Wow love the way that the ex GF took the moral high ground there, even though she has a husband and two kids.

What a pair of charmers.

Don't accept any of his gas lighting. He's had space and time to think up his excuses and billy bullshit.

If it'd been a desperate lonely reach out to someone understanding from his past, he'd have mentioned you, how much he loved you and how desperately sad he was that his marriage was on rocky ground. But instead he used the communication to try and get his ego massaged.

Don't engage with the ex anymore and give yourself space to make up your mind about what it is you really want.

Xales Thu 14-Mar-13 08:15:49

Sorry I said he was such a vile disgusting piece of work.

He is just a lying you blaming sack of shit really.

How are you feeling?

SugarPasteGreyhound Thu 14-Mar-13 19:06:34

He's not answering questions and is already trying to assign blame to you.

Please bear in mind that genuinely remorseful, repentant people do not behave like this. So far he is following a well worn script.

If he was honestly shocked and distraught at being found out, realised what he'd done and the risk of losing you etc, he'd have been straight on the doorstep, telling you he is a worthless arsehole and grovelling like hell, begging for another chance, offering to do whatever it takes to stay in a relationship with you - counselling, temporary separation, changing jobs so he's closer to home, offering you full disclosure on his mobile, email, Facebook etc.

NoMoreDoormat Mon 18-Mar-13 18:23:46

how are things now OP?

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