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Terrified of ex-bf's lies to get more custody, advice needed :(

(89 Posts)
BriAndLottie Sun 10-Mar-13 20:31:19

Previously posted about this in AIBU but it was suggested I posted here too, so I'll start from the beginning.

Ex-bf and I met at secondry school. We were both excluded from school around the time we first got together and were using illegal substances, I was living with him at the time after a fallout with my mum. During that time we had a child together who was sadly stillborn. At 16 I sought help and ended up in a private fostering arrangement, went back to school and stopped taking the drugs. I have a brilliant relationship with my foster mum and still live with her now. Ex-bf and I were on/off for a year or so after that, during which I had a brief relapse but stopped when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter- the two of us haven't been together since but have remained friends, and I've been completely clean. DD is now three and I would never do anything to compromise her wellbeing.

Until recently ex-bf hasn't really seen DD on a regular basis- for about 4 months he's been having every other weekend with her, those weekends he picks her up from preschool on Friday afternoon and brings her back on Sunday afternoon. This weekend was one of his weekends.

On Friday, one of my best friends who works at DD's preschool told me that when ex-bf picked DD up that day, he asked to have a word with her and said he had reason to believe I'm using again and is afraid for DD's welbeing. He claims to have seen me under influence herself- that is absolute rubbish. This weekend he's also texted me to say he's going to push for 50/50 custody as he doesn't think I can look after DD full time, he's also texted my foster mum asking if she's got any reason to believe I might have started using again.

He dropped DD home today 45 minutes late and said she was anxious about coming home and seemed very distressed- both my mum and I thought she was absolutely fine. According to DD, she had a good weekend but Daddy asked her some funny questions, like whether she'd seen me acting strangely or scarily, and how many times I'd been out after her bedtime recently angry

I'm absolutely terrified he's going to try and turn my past against me sad I'm seeing a solictor next week and having a hair sample taken to proove I haven't been taking anything, but in the mean time any advice/hand holding would be much appreciated.

BarbarianMum Sun 10-Mar-13 20:37:35

I'll hold your hand smile and shortly wise people with experience of this sort of thing will come and give you good advice.

I saw your first thread about this. Of course you are worried but please don't worry. Whether your ex's fears are genuine or whether they are the first move in some 'game' he's playing, it is the way you parent your daughter that is important, not your past. And his past isn't that great either as I recall.

Goldmandra Sun 10-Mar-13 21:13:25

Keep calm. Your past is a long time ago and nothing to do with how you are looking after your DD.

Don't ask her questions about the weekend but if she says anything else spontaneously write it down, along with what she has already told you.

He may try to use your past against you but there is no reason to think it will do him any good.

Try not to talk to anyone socially about your fears because you don't want it getting back to him.

Hopefully you will feel better once you have had some legal advice. In the meantime keep everything business as usual.

BriAndLottie Sun 10-Mar-13 21:25:56

Aside from the friend all this was mentioned to at DD's preschool, the only person who knows is my foster mum.

I'm going to tell the preschool tomorrow when I drop DD off that no one except me is to pick her up in future unless I say otherwise and I will let them know which Fridays ex-bf is due to pick her up -probably being paranoid but it'll make me feel better.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose her- I know it's irrentional but it probably stems from losing her sister sad

His past is in some ways worse than mine- he's done in prison for drug-dealing in the past couple of years and was expelled from school, though he's been a reformed character for the last year, up until now.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 10-Mar-13 21:26:20

Also posted on your other thread but the addition of the further info leads me to believe he is setting you up for a take and not return then to request a investigation the clues for this are

1. Asking child leading questions designed to freak her out
2. Dropping hints to professionals involved at school
3. Txt to foster mum
4. Claiming child was distressed at having to return.

He is trying to leave a trail of him highlighting concerns so it looks convincing when he either refuses to return her or walks into SS.

By not taking any drugs I'm hoping that means any none prescribed to you drugs even cannabis?

As you've said drug test and legal advice, if it were my child I would want to protect my child from those sorts of questions because its not on and generally considered to be emotionally abusive particularly if he's also adding stuff onto these questions to imply to dd she should be frightened of you.

I would be cancelling contact until he was able to hold his tongue and desist in dishonesty because to me it would be a huge breach of trust as well as the embarrassment to you via the school and the potential distress to dd.

The steps he's taken so far are almost text book set up ones I'm sure your solicitor will confirm this and chances are they will also advise you to stop contact.

On the upside you live with your foster mum someone who ss trust and whose word would be considered to be safe and she has no concerns, he's shown his hand early enough for you to deal with it, you can obtain proof that you are not using and so far he's had limited contact.

Also if he's unemployed he won't be able to get legal aid after April.

BriAndLottie Sun 10-Mar-13 21:41:42

Sockreturningpixie that's what I thought too sad Strangely reassuring to know it's not just me who thinks that. No drugs at all, absolutely nothing besides occasional pain relief, not since I found out I was pregnant with DD. It was a private fostering agreement rather than a ss foster placement, I don't know if that makes a difference to how much they would trust the word of my foster mum?

He is working although on a temporary contract which I think expires in June, why won't he be able to get legal aid after April?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sun 10-Mar-13 21:53:01

The cynical side of me is thinking that if he's never been overly bothered by contact before and his work contract runs out in June he's seeing cash signs in thinking he can get full custody and therefore cb and ctc.
I'm assuming no legal aid as the new changes and government cuts all start in April and maybe that's one of them?

yellowbrickrd Sun 10-Mar-13 22:05:51

Good to see you've moved here Bri! Legal aid is being withdrawn for family issues like contact disputes from 1st April this year.

BriAndLottie Sun 10-Mar-13 22:16:20

<*waves to yellow*> smile

Ah OK, so if only we can hold on until April he would have to pay for legal aid himself?

When I went back to school at 16 I was offered a small government grant as a vulnerable teenager returning to education, we were still together at the time and the grant was his only concern, so it wouldn't surprise me if he was after child benefit. I had thought he had changed though sad

Definitely not going to be allowing contact for the time being, he's freaked me out and DD seemed confused by his questions sad

yellowbrickrd Sun 10-Mar-13 22:33:44

I hadn't thought of that angle, that he is out for the money, that is repulsive if true. How horrible to use dd in that way, pumping her for info with no thought of how it would affect her.

From everything you've said you are in a far far stronger position than he is. Your dd is happy and well cared for, you are clean and stable with good support from your mum. As others have said (who've had direct experience) a court is not going to disrupt all that on the basis of the lying and conniving of someone with a far more unstable background than yours who has only recently been part of dd's life. In fact it will almost certainly work against him.

Good luck with tomorrow, you've got quite a to-do list! smile

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 10-Mar-13 22:44:23

Hold tight. He's been a total idiot and shown his hand very early - you are doing all the right things.

His background and his most importantly his recent background is FAR worse than anything you have done AND he's done all of this as an 'adult'.

He's had no contact with her for most of her life - YOU have brought her up.

You live with another responsible adult who can vouch for you - as can many others.

For whatever reasons (probably financial sad ) he's trying it on - he's not going to get anywhere with it.

Do everything you have said you are going to do - don't panic, play your cards close to your heart, don't talk to anyone other than your SM (& doctor/solicitor etc) about it - right now it's best not to even talk to friends.

YOU will 'win', please try really really hard not to worry.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 10-Mar-13 22:45:20

Oh and as I said on your other thread - get a journal & a diary and get writing!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 10-Mar-13 22:54:29

Yes he would have to pay for it,unless he's going to claim to be a victim of domestic violence.

When your friend told you what he said how did she say it?

Was it Im giving you the heads up this has been said and school are acting on it or was it you will never guess what that arse has said?

How did she take what was said were you able to tell?

I don't know how a private foster arrangement works long term so I wouldn't know but I'm sure she would be a good person to be on side.

Don't be to surprised if you get a letter or visit or contact from ss and when it happens be honest with them engage with them show them how well you are doing. Do not move out of your foster mums house because she will be your biggest asset.

Make sure your drugs test is done by a docter as home tests are not admissible in court and if needed and you can see if you can have a few over the course of several weeks,you may be charged for this but it will help prove him wrong try to avoid going out drinking enough to get drunk as that shows up on hair strand tests and you don't want to hand him a loaded gun.

candyandyoga Sun 10-Mar-13 23:33:19

Please let us know what happens. His behaviour is disgusting but professionals will see through it - get to your solicitor and tell them exactly what he is doing. NO contact with your girl for him - he is dangerous with his questions to her. What an idiot he is to think he can manipulate everything.

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 09:05:10

I'm going to tell the preschool tomorrow when I drop DD off that no one except me is to pick her up in future unless I say otherwise

Does he have parental responsibility?

If he does the pre-school are not allowed to prevent him from picking her up without a court order.

If he doesn't you need to make that very clear to them so they know they are within their rights to prevent him from picking her up.

He may be setting up some sort of scenario which he believes will get him custody. That's why you need to keep calm, make everything business as usual for your DD so she isn't unsettled and get some decent legal advice this week.

He seriously thinks he will get residence when he's been in prison for drug dealing recently? shock

LittleEdie Mon 11-Mar-13 09:12:56

He's been in prison for drug dealing recently, and he thinks he can use your history with drugs against you? confused He's not thinking straight.

I can see why you're concerned - anyone would be, but please be reassured that you'll be fine. It would be nice to hear how you get along - looking forward to hearing he's been vanquished!

BriAndLottie Mon 11-Mar-13 11:46:15

A quick update: DD refused point-blank to go to preschool this morning which is completely out of character, she got all upset and I ended up keeping her off today, I don't know what that's about but worried it could be connected to the events of the weekend. I ended up having to vein her with me to speak to the solicitor as wanted to bring my foster mum for moral support, DD has been absolutely fine since I decided not to send her to preschool hmm all very worrying.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 12:20:05

Was she spoken to at school about it?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 12:21:03

Importantly does he have PR, I.e is he named on her birth cert or has a PR agreement been made?

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 11-Mar-13 12:23:09

Oh this is familiar. My ex followed a very similar pattern. Has he started questioning you over any little bruise or scrape that appears on your DDs body? If he hasn't, he will soon.

Expect a phone call from social services following an anonymous complaint about your parenting.

You, unlike I was, are forewarned of things to come. I wish I had mumsnet back then to tell me he was in the process of making a bid for custody smile, I just thought he was being his usual dickish self.

candyandyoga Mon 11-Mar-13 12:27:30

What happened in your case teenstrop?

ThingummyBob Mon 11-Mar-13 12:37:46

Hmm, if it was me I'd be worried that he's suggested to her that he plans to collect her from pre-school, or has been dropping hints to her that she might go and live with him and thats why she's reluctant to go.
He might not plan to carry it through but even conversation like this is designed to make her/you uneasy and scared of his actions. Its a control thing whatever he's up to sad

Has she been happy to attend every day previously?

I second that you ask your friend 'how' he made the remarks that he did on Friday. Also that you keep a good record of all of this.

Is he listed as dds father on her birth certificate? If so, he does have parental responsabilty and the pre-school probably can't stop him removing her - nothing to stop you changing pre-schools though and not telling him where she goes.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 12:42:21

They can stop a parent with pr from removing a child if the child is unwilling to go and they believe the child could be at risk of harm.

Unfortunatly most won't as the don't quite understand what the rules are.

For a nrp with pr to take a child and not get problems as a result the child has to be calm willing and not placed under any duress or threat.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 12:43:05

But he will try and use her none attendance against you.

Saying crap like you don't value her routine and education

ThingummyBob Mon 11-Mar-13 12:49:34

Oh ok Sock, I wasn't sure of the re someone with PR 'removing' a child from pre-school (as opposed to usual collection routines iyswim). My dcs primary wouldn't 'let' anyone take a child who wasn't listed as collecting them that day. I'm not sure how they'd handle it if the person/unknown parent insisted on it.

Attendance is irrelevent at this age though isn't it? Surely OP needs her fears addressed more imprtantly than dd needs to be at pre-school at this stage? Especially as her dd herself was reluctant to go this morning.

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 12:58:18

They can stop a parent with pr from removing a child if the child is unwilling to go and they believe the child could be at risk of harm.

No decent Early Years practitioner would hand a child over to anyone if they felt that to do so would put the child at risk of significant harm, regardless of whether they have PR.

However if someone with PR comes to collect a child and there is no reason to believe that this puts the child at risk of significant harm the practitioner must allow them to take the child. That doesn't stop them stalling this person for a moment and contacting the other parent, etc, but ultimately if they know someone and that person has PR they cannot stop them collecting the child.

OP you need to clarify this with the pre-school.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 13:00:06

Course attendance is irrelevant but we have to start looking at things as to how he will slant it.

As to the collect from school thing most will tell you they can't stop the other parent even if he does not have pr but if they don't stop it and the child is under duress it will come back on them like a ton of bricks. If the child is harmed or anything or the nrp gets legal probs as a result it could be considered partially their fault.

But they tend to not want to get involved.

Think about it this way, if a SW with no legal orders and no attending police officer can get them to withhold a child then there is no legal reason why a resident parent can't.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 13:02:17

In all fairness I would just be there at the time he would collect and do it myself, and if he created a scene its a public order offence.

mungotracy Mon 11-Mar-13 13:15:46

I would urge the OP to be very careful with some of the comments on this board....for examp this from Sockreturning pixie ......This is possibly the worst thing you could do......"I would be cancelling contact until he was able to hold his tongue and desist in dishonesty because to me it would be a huge breach of trust as well as the embarrassment to you via the school and the potential distress to dd." If you want any potential hearing to go badly then the best way to do that is to start witholding contact on no reasonable grounds. Paranoid people on the net telling you hes about to abduct your daughter does not count as 'reasonable'....

Xales Mon 11-Mar-13 13:23:56

Call up the school and tell them that your DD for some reason is absolutely terrified of coming in since her return from her time with her dad - the truth and puts it on record.

Ask them what they suggest that you and they can do together to help your DD. Shows your are being the reasonable caring one.

ThingummyBob Mon 11-Mar-13 13:27:57

I hope I wasn't being paranoid on OPs behalf and I apologise if I was. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that he's about to abduct her dd.

I thought it sounded like he was trying to put the wind up the OP and suggesting a change in pre-schools was meant as a way of stopping him being able to scare her in that way/talk to staff about her in a derogatory way etc.

Anyhoo, it sounds as if OP is off getting some proper non internet paranoia advice today so thats all good imo!

mungotracy Mon 11-Mar-13 13:32:28

ThingummyBOB "I wasn't being paranoid on OPs behalf"

smile Lol..... theres nothing wrong with 'possibities' being discussed, but certain posters advising entirely withdrawing contact (not yourself afai can see )are excessive and potentially counter productive or worse.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 14:04:31

Mungo loads of solicitors would advise stopping contact once there is a dispute or concern this large.

I also said very clearly on both threads get legal advice ASAP and get evidence you are not using drugs.

He's made a child protection allegation to the school its obvious hes not really concerned and just making trouble because he did not do what any reasonable with legit concerns would do,its fairly obvious he's doing something underhanded.

I also clearly said if it were my child,because if it were I would.

Hope solicitor was helpful.

I think the advice of speaking to preschool about your DD this morning is good, shows you are concerned for her and keeps them in the loop.

How old is your DD?

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 11-Mar-13 15:25:41

What happened in your case teenstrop?

candyandyoga I retained custody. XP did accuse me of abuse and involved social services, we had a panel meeting following an investigation and the children were deemed not at risk. The only concern they flagged up wasn't about my parenting but XPs, he talked quite nastily about me in front of the DCs and seemed completely oblivious to how it would affect them. My GP and DDs nursery teacher were there and both stated that there were no concerns from their point of view.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 16:54:52

I will add that my views are based both on my work as that's what I come across most, contact being used to abuse rp's and my own child nearly being abducted and taken to a country where I wouldn't be able to get him back and exh openly admitting in court that was what he was going to do.

candyandyoga Mon 11-Mar-13 17:01:35

Glad to hear that teenstrop. Does he still see them?

Op he won't get away with his behaviour x

BriAndLottie Mon 11-Mar-13 17:22:00

Sockreturningpixie- I don't think so as ex-bf spoke to my friend at the end, I haven't asked DD though. Ex-bf doesn't have PR, no, not on the birth certificate and no separate agreement, presumably if he wanted to go 50/50 custody and have DD living with him every other week then he would need to be granted PR? So given he doesn't have PR I am able to tell the preschool not to allow him to collect her, is that right?

Thingummybob that's exactly what I'm worried about sad DD had some initial anxiety when she first started preschool but she adjusted very quickly, no problems until now.

I've been advised to stop allowing him access for now given the situation, that's going to be handled through ex-bf's solicitor. Still very scary though sad

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 17:32:17

most will tell you they can't stop the other parent even if he does not have pr but if they don't stop it and the child is under duress it will come back on them like a ton of bricks. If the child is harmed or anything or the nrp gets legal probs as a result it could be considered partially their fault.

I was told very clearly by an Ofsted inspector that if a parent with PR comes to collect a child and I don't have either a court residence order or legitimate concerns that the child would be at risk of significant harm I have to allow the parent to take the child or risk prosecution.
This document backs this view.
If you know of some case where a setting or school has been called to account for allowing a parent with PR to take a child against the wishes of the resident parent I would be very interested to hear the details and so would lots of my colleagues in Early Years who currently hold the same view as I do.

Sorry for the hijack OP thanks

flippinada Mon 11-Mar-13 17:35:52

Hello Bri I posted on your last thread. So glad to see you've taken legal advice.

Given the further information on here about your ex (who sounds like a VERY nasty piece of work) I strongly suspect he's on a hiding to nothing and will be told so; but I do understand that doesn't take away how scary and overwhelming this kind of thing is.

I know you haven't put your age on here but I'm guessing that you're pretty young. I went through all of this in my 30s and found it very stressful and distressing even then so I think you are doing amazingly well; especially considering your earlier experiences.

Glad you have a supportive foster mum, that will make a world of difference.

BriAndLottie Mon 11-Mar-13 18:09:40

Flippinada- I'm 21, DD is 3. Hope everything worked out OK for you, it's a really horrible situation.

I don't work Tuesdays so DD goesn't go to preschool, she's already told me she doesn't want to go on Wednesday hmm

flippinada Mon 11-Mar-13 18:12:38

Yes, everything worked out ok for me, thank you for asking smile

You sound much more sensible than I was at your age too!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 18:13:34

Gold I'm am talking about when removing a child places that child at risk and the child would not be going willingly and yes I do know of at least one.

My own child's school.

Its all down to how you perceive what a legit reasonable belief of risk is. For example my child was kicking and screaming his dad who had PR was fing and blinding at him and then physiclly draged him out, school did not prevent him doing so nor did they even call me or the police and yes I took them to court and won.

At the time of the collection I was in court obtaining a emergency expartie court order, the school were aware of this and I would have been at school on time for end of school however they let him do this an hour before end of day.

And you will note I even included the line 'even if he does not have PR' as I have encountered several schools who have refused to prevent a parent without pr doing so.

I would hope that policy or not a school would not force a unwilling child to go off with a parent activly exhibiting violent behaviour in an attempt to remove the child. There policies can not over ride child protection requirements.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 18:19:57


Just to clarify your post. Are you saying that yes you have today taken actual formal legal advice from a qualified person who has indeed advised you to stop contact for the time being?

With pr yes to obtain this he would require either your agreement or a court order. And until he has pr you don't need to fret much,just follow the advice of your formal legal advisor do everything they advise you to do and do it in a timely fashion and you should be ok.

Have you had a chance to ask about drug testing?

BriAndLottie Mon 11-Mar-13 18:32:50

Sockreturningpixie- yes, spoke to a solicitor today who advised me to stop contact for now. The first few contact sessions ex-bf had with DD were in a contact centre, I've been told that if and when it seems appropriate for contact to be resumed we can go back to having it through a centre, supervised.

I've got a GP appointment for later this week re drug testing, they're going to take hair samples I think.

No word from ex-bf so far this evening, but then he does seem to favour late night texts hmm

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 18:34:32

Sockreturningpixie that is awful. I am sorry that you and your son had to go through that sad

Clearly the school did have reason to feel that your son was at risk of harm if they allowed him to be taken and they took no action to protect him. Quite rightly they were called to account for their actions.

However if a parent with PR turns up behaving appropriately and doesn't lose their temper dragging the child out kicking and screaming there is nothing a setting or a school can do to stop them. Without legitimate concern for the well-being of the child the parents with PR must be treated equally.

LittleEdie Mon 11-Mar-13 18:35:25

Does he have PR?

Glad you seem to be so together re legal advice and drug testing.

Have some thanks

LittleEdie Mon 11-Mar-13 18:37:20

Sorry, just read he doesn't have PR. Phew, that must be a relief!

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 18:40:56

OP you need to make sure that the pre-school know where they stand if he turns up to collect her.

Can you turn your phone off early evening?

flippinada Mon 11-Mar-13 18:41:20

Sockreturningpixie god that's absolutely horrific - your poor son! And you.

WRT to the turning up and collecting, at the private nursery I used they were very good about only handing a child over to the right person (they were also wonderfully supportive when I was going through the court process - I could tell you some humdinging stories about that!)

There was one case where a father turned up stinking drunk to collect his DC and they refused to hand them over and call the police.

This was a 'posh' nursery in a nice area as well.

flippinada Mon 11-Mar-13 18:42:07

Yes thank goodness he doesn't have PR.

ThingummyBob Mon 11-Mar-13 18:46:08

Well it seems he doesn't have PR at all, so if you inform the pre-school of that and then ask how they would handle it if he did turn up unnannounced to collect her?
If they can't give you a satisfactory response (ie that they would prevent him taking her) I would still consider changing pre-schools if I was you. Maybe not immediately, but I would definitely consider it an option.

I'm glad you are getting legal advice. Some parents don't deserve their dc, they really don't.

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 18:46:24

Sorry OP I missed the post saying he doesn't have PR.

You can tell them he should not be allowed any contact with her. If he turns up to collect her they should keep her inside and call the police if he refuses to leave.

They can get more advice about this from their Early Years advisor if they are concerned.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 18:46:25

Gold it was several years ago dc is over it now and no longer has contact with his dad,he actually did me a favour with his timing because I knew he was heading for the airport and he was arrested there so it brought everything to a head and when we were all back in family court it was all evidence.strangely contact carried on after quite well for years with no further incidents but shed loads of prohibitive steps orders in place ( all stuck to by dad) untill dad hooked up with a alcoholic last year then just after Christmas when he assaulted dc in public and the police got involved.

But you are correct that with PR and no obvious action that would make someone think there was a risk if the child goes willingly then nobody will stop it without a court order.

Out of interest what would your school do with a seemingly nicely behaved parent but a child in bits saying that if they went they would get hurt by that parent? The school my dc attended now will almost automatically seek immediate advice from SS or CP police team depending on circumstances and act on there advice.they will also now supply parents with factual reports highlighting valid concerns for use in court obviously this is restricted to things the school see that give rise to cp concerns.

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 19:36:14

I'm not in a school. I work as a childminder and in Early Years settings.

A child saying that they would be hurt is most definitely a cause for concern. Schools and Early Years settings should have procedures in place for this type of situation so I would expect them to follow those. They would generally include contacting the other parent, LSCB, police, SS, etc. I would expect them to keep the child in their care until the matter was resolved.

It's a shame your DC's school didn't follow those policies before your horrible situation developed.

LittleEdie Mon 11-Mar-13 19:39:17

Every pre school and school my DD has attended has been very conscientious about who picks them up. If they are not this would be a red flag for me.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 19:53:31

It was attributed to a staff member in the school who had shall we say fallen for his charms. She as far as I'm aware not worked in any schools since.

candyandyoga Mon 11-Mar-13 20:46:02

Does he know yet you are not allowing him access?

You are doing the right thing, please keep us updated x

BriAndLottie Mon 11-Mar-13 21:07:42

candyandyoga judging by the text I've had asking to have DD this weekend for a 'family party', I would guess not hmm I'm not going to reply to that one, going to wait for him to find out through his solicitor.

I'm going to speak to the preschool tomorrow. I work at a school but it's secondary, so not sure the same rules apply here as would do at a preschool- I seriously hope not!

Goldmandra Mon 11-Mar-13 21:24:04

Bri, pre-schools are required to have procedures in place to ensure that children are handed over safely to the right adult every time. If you've told them he has no PR and must not be allowed to take her you can fully expect them to make sure your wishes are respected and your DD will be safe.

If you're at all concerned about a confrontation at the normal pick up time could you arrange to pick her up a little earlier for a few weeks? The pre-school should cooperate as this is for the benefit of your DD.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this but you are dealing with it the right way.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 11-Mar-13 22:20:20

OP, you are doing brilliantly. This guy was not part of your DDs life for years, has been in prison but seems to have sorted himself out enough to hold down a job. You've facilitated contact between him and your DD with the aim of building up a good relationship between them and in return he's trying to tarnish your reputation with your DDs school by insinuating you're taking drugs, and to cause problems between you and your foster mother.

candyandyoga They're teenagers now, this all happened over 10 years ago. Yes he continued to have contact. He would still question them about their time with me but he didn't make another bid for custody via social workers.

candyandyoga Mon 11-Mar-13 22:35:15

Stay strong op and keep posting, we are all rooting for you x

Teenstrop - glad you are all ok x

BriAndLottie Tue 12-Mar-13 18:39:19

No word yet from ex-bf but I'm guessing he'll find out that I'm withholding contact from his solicitor in the next couple of days, so expecting a bad reaction.

DD was quite happy to go to her dance class this afternoon but was getting all upset earlier this evening about going to preschool tomorrow, don't know what to make of it really sad Don't know if it's best to send her anyway when she seems so distressed, given what happened on Friday and I don't know why she's upset

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Mar-13 19:01:43

Could you ask the school if they have any ideas?

Pilgit Tue 12-Mar-13 19:10:35

no helpful advice on the main issues! this must be awful - your DD is lucky to have you. The reticence over pre-school may be coincidental. talk to them - they might have some insight or should be able to help settle her again.

Goldmandra Tue 12-Mar-13 19:35:40

Don't know if it's best to send her anyway when she seems so distressed, given what happened on Friday and I don't know why she's upset

My advice would be to phone pre-school in the morning and discuss it. If I worked there I wold suggest that you went in for a short time and stayed with her then left together so she can see that you won't disappear. Then perhaps you can work back up to her going without you when she feels a bit more settled again.

Try to be guided by the pre-school staff so they can see clearly that you are still putting your DD's needs first.

BriAndLottie Tue 12-Mar-13 19:54:20

Thanks Pilgit and Goldmandra for the advice. I'm working tomorrow but not Thursday so makes more sense for me to take her in for a short time and stay with her as you suggest on Thursday Goldmandra, that way I don't have to take the morning off work. Or alternatively I can just take her in tomorrow and talk to the staff when I pick her up, and hope she's OK for the day. If she didn't go in tomorrow she could go into work with my foster mum which she's done once before when there was an issue with preschool, she'd probably quite like that tbh, would have to make it clear to her that it's a one off thing though!

I don't want to directly ask DD if something happened when ex-bf picked her up and risk unsettling her/putting words in her mouth, I have spoken to the friend who works there though and she can't think of anything that happened on Friday which might have upset DD. I've tried the usual questions re upsets with friends etc, DD insists nothing happened hmm

yellowbrickrd Tue 12-Mar-13 20:13:45

I suppose she could have picked up on your worry about your ex and on top of the strange questions he asked her somehow tied it in with pre-school since he collects her from there?

If she likes going to work with your mum then perhaps best to do that tomorrow rather than leaving her at preschool and end up having to come and fetch her if she gets really upset.

LittleEdie Tue 12-Mar-13 20:44:05

I'spd second the idea hat she's picking up on your nerves about your ex snatching her from pre school. That's not to criticise you - your fears are well founded and understandable.

could it be that a comment has been made by your ex and she's worried you're going to be seperated? he might have already mentioned to her about her living with daddy and not mummy sad

keep us updated. he sounds like a right shit angry

Goldmandra Tue 12-Mar-13 21:12:57

If you drop her off tomorrow will you be able to leave her if she gets upset? Trying to separate from her in order to get to work might be more stress than you need right now.

Even if you don't take her in could you arrange to speak to the staff at the end of the session? This will give you an opportunity to let them know properly what is happening and work out with them the best approach to take for your DD.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 13-Mar-13 04:45:27

Bri, I haven't anything to add to the excellent advice here, I just wanted to say that I'm incredibly impressed that you've managed to talk to a solicitor so quickly and that you're staying so calm. Sorry to sound patronising, but it sounds like you had such an awful start to life yourself, and to have not only pulled yourself out of it but to be able to be such a good mum to your DD as well gives me a huge smile.

I hope, and suspect, that given his history he'll quickly decide that this is more trouble than it's worth - if he's after the CB, especially. It sounds like your DD is doing great with you.

BriAndLottie Wed 13-Mar-13 21:17:38

OK, so the plan for tomorrow is for me to take DD into preschool and for her to spend the morning there, I'm going to have a chat with them and see how DD gets on/whether they can shed any light.

Still no news from ex-bf, assuming he'll find out tomorrow though so anticipating fireworks.

Tortoise- thank you, I do my best smile My first daughter was a victim of my life being completely out of control, in my eyes at least, which I suppose makes me all the more determined to do what's right for DD now. I'm hoping he'll decide it's more trouble than it's worth too- we'll see!

LittleEdie Wed 13-Mar-13 22:09:41

It sounds like a plan. Good luck for when he finds out.

Goldmandra Thu 14-Mar-13 00:39:40

Bri that sounds really positive. Take her birth certificate with you if you haven't already to show them that he is not named on it and therefore does not have PR.

I hope your DD settles back in well now she's had some time to calm down and seen that whatever she's worried about isn't going to happen.

hope today went ok and your dd was ok at nursery

BriAndLottie Thu 14-Mar-13 16:30:26

Thanks everyone for the wellwishes- it went fine actually, I took DD into nursery this morning and she was quite clingy at first but then settled into it. I had a chat with the teacher and she can't think of anything that could have upset her on Friday. DD doesn't normally go to preschool on Thursdays as I don't work today, so I'd arranged to do today as a one-off and meet a friend for coffee while DD stayed for the morning without me. She was absolutely fine until I left, then suddenly got anxious and wanted to know who was picking her up at lunchtime, me or daddy hmm once I'd promised her I'd pick her up, she was fine.

Goldmandra- I did take the birth certificate, brilliant suggestion, thank you smile

Goldmandra Thu 14-Mar-13 17:26:08

I'm glad she settled well, Bri.

You're taking the right approach to help her to feel secure. It's a shame he seems to have upset the applecart for her but with this approach you'll make sure it doesn't have a long term impact on her.

Just remember that you have a right to feel safe and secure too. If he starts playing any sort of mind games make sure you ask for support from your foster mum (who sounds fab) and your solicitor.

Do you turn your phone off in the evenings so he can't hassle you?

BriAndLottie Thu 14-Mar-13 20:34:37

We've had a bit of a saga this evening- ex-bf turned up on the doorstep demanding to be let in to see DD, accused me of holding his past against him when mine was no better, etc etc. Thankfully DD was already in bed and slept through it. He started shouting before I could get to the door so we knew who it was, bolted the door and ignored him, he shouted through the letterbox that he knew we were in as my foster mum's car was outside, and he wasn't leaving until I agreed to let him see DD, and apparently after withdrawing contact he had the right to more contact time when it started up again hmm The police were called and he's been arrested for trespassing.

Goldmandra Thu 14-Mar-13 20:54:03

Oh how horrible!

I'm really glad the police have dealt with him and that your DD slept through it.

You should probably contact your solicitor tomorrow to find out how you can deal with this if he persists in coming round.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 14-Mar-13 20:54:41

The drama tonight may be a pain in the arse but it will help you in the long run,especially if he does it a few more times.

flippinada Thu 14-Mar-13 21:02:42

How horrible Bri

You've dealt with it incredibly well though.

Your ex isn't going to be winning father of the year award anytime soon, that's for sure.

BriAndLottie Thu 14-Mar-13 22:13:45

I suppose he has done me a favour really, doesn't feel that way at the moment though. I'm just worried about what he's going to try next.

Goldmandra Thu 14-Mar-13 22:29:37


You must feel very vulnerable at the moment.

Whatever he throws at you just stay focused on keeping he impact on your DD to a minimum, say nothing negative in front of her and trust the courts and the police to deal with him.

You're doing really well by staying calm and holding the moral high ground. Keep it up smile

Yikes! I agree with the others though that that kind of behaviour is doing you a favour in the long run.

Logging this with the solicitor is a wise idea. They need to know and if he continues you can push for an injunction or something.

Try not to worry what he'll do next. He now cannot pick her up from nursery as you have sorted that side of things, if you are worried about him turning up and making a scene there then maybe pick her up slightly early.

candyandyoga Wed 20-Mar-13 22:50:48

Please update us op... Thinking of you x

LittleEdie Wed 20-Mar-13 23:02:21

candy The OP has started a new thread about him reporting her to social services.

candyandyoga Thu 21-Mar-13 08:16:50

Do you have a link please? X

Goldmandra Thu 21-Mar-13 08:37:03

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