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Not sure how I should be feeling...

(46 Posts)
Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 09:14:03

Not bothering to name change...

Sat on sofa with DS (3.5) while his Dad packs up his stuff to leave. Things not been right since DS arrived and over the past few months have gone steadily down hill.

Im far from perfect Im sure however during our time together he's been unfaithful once (that I know of, and during first month of us meeting)...he's accrued considerable debt (owes me £13k, CCs, loans and more recently payday loans)...and his drinking, as far as I am concerned, have reached dependancy levels.

We've talked about separating many times, most recently about 4 weeks ago just before moving to new house. But we've talked ourselves out of it with excuse of doing whats best for DS.

As far as I can gather he is renting somewhere relatively nearby. Right now, I just want him out the door, if only to avoid tripping over his pile of treasured belongings (crap!) at the front door.

Jesus, what do I do now?!

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 09:22:28

Let the day pass my dear. Make tea. Put a load of washing on. Breathe xxx

GingerJulep Sun 10-Mar-13 09:23:11

Number one priority is DS (and any other kids). Breakups, even if not permanent, are tough for all. Would you and DS be better off going out for a little walk in the park rather than 'tapped' in the leaving situation?

You'll work out how you feel.

But shock, to start with, is perfectly normal.

Good luck.

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 09:23:16

Keep a low profile until he has gone. Can you and ds go out for a bit?

arthriticfingers Sun 10-Mar-13 09:24:39

Wait until he has gone then have a cup of tea and bawl.
Then find someone to tell and have another bawl.
Slowly, things are going to get much better when he and his debts and drinking and infidelity have gone, but you don't have to rush things.

scaevola Sun 10-Mar-13 09:26:02

I'd Sunday - go to church, or other place of worship with a Sunday ceremony.

Go as an anthropological observer if you're uninterested in organised religion.

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 09:29:16

Thanks all...would love to head out but in the middle of a snow/hail blizzard at the moment. Would I be wrong in requesting keys before he goes? Its my house/mortgage but is he entitled to some access for DS?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 09:30:41

I'd suggest you make plans to spend time with friends and start working on the practical aspects of the break-up such as finances. You need the friends for moral support and to reassure you that you're far better off without this human millstone around your neck. You need to focus on practical matters as a channel for your energy.

First day of the rest of your - much better - life. Good luck

mummytime Sun 10-Mar-13 09:31:01

If you do go to Church today, you may well get a daffodil, there will also be lots of other non-regulars there. A nice dry spot to get away from him and maybe a cup of tea afterwards. Oh and it's fine to get tears watching Brownies giving out flowers.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 09:31:58

Get his keys off him. You don't want the prospect of him swanning in and out. He will be entitled to some access to your DS but it doesn't have to be in your property and you don't have to rush to arrange anything.

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 09:32:09

No you can request keys that's fine. Try not to have contact in your house tho. Take a while to think about the fact that Daddy lives elsewhere now so baby goes to Daddy's house. Don't let him in yours or it'll be just like old times and he may try to get his feet under the table again.

Sounds like you can't wait to be truly rid??. Been there done that!

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 09:34:11

Thanks Cog...best rethink my mortgage free in 10 years plan eh?!

Finances Ive kept very separate. Mortgage is in my name and I earn a decent salary.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 09:42:40

Very smart move to keep the finances separate. Still aim for mortgage-free in 10 years. My prediction is that, without him holding you back, with the confidence & determination you gain from independence, you'll do it in 9. smile

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 10:06:08

Starting to feel sick, and trying desparately not to get teary hmm would it be uncalled for to start tossing his stuff out the door!

INeverSaidThat Sun 10-Mar-13 10:12:55

No advice but wanted to wish you the best.

You are going to have a horrible day I suppose, but it will get better. Much, much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:54

You haven't chucked his stuff out already?... Do you have a car? Could you take DS out for a trip somewhere?

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 11:28:35

Lol not yet Cog...he's fannying about. Having overheard conversation with his brother I get the idea his new accomodation is not as secured as he thought. Probably waiting for me to approach him re staying? Our roads are bad with snow so prefer not to drive. Trying to find DS snowsuit but place is a jumble having just moved in 2 weeks ago!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 11:31:09

Give him another half an hour to stop fannying about and get his shit together - tell him straight - and then show him the door. If he's forgotten anything, tell him, he'll have to come back on a day more convenient to you... like when you're not filing your nails... hmm

Yes, of course he's hoping that if he dithers over it you'll cave and get him to stay. Don't fall for it.

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 11:58:34

He's gone.

scaevola Sun 10-Mar-13 12:44:47

How's it going?

Enough snow to build a snowman?

Saltpig Sun 10-Mar-13 12:45:38

I think you're really brave.

Well done.

UrsulaBuffay Sun 10-Mar-13 12:48:48

Just wanted to say happy Mother's Day to you x

gingeme Sun 10-Mar-13 12:55:25

Very brave.
May I make a suggestion ?
Please get some legal advice as far as contact is concerened ie exactly when he can see Ds and it will all be written down by a court of law. I did this with exp and if he wanted any extra access he had to get written permission from me smile. It really helps.
Good luck x

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 12:57:59

Thank you...and Happy Mothers Day to you all smile

Im not feeling very brave...its almost a bit of an anti-climax. Keys were left on kitchen table without need to ask.

Feel I should be doing something, but not sure what?!

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 13:00:35

Thanks Gingeme...

How does that work when I need agreement to be flexible too? Eg I work FT and perhaps 1-2 times per month need to travel with an early flight so would need ex to do nursery run...

Well done op. very well done. Just get through this day as best you can. Have some fun with DS. Then tomorrow, you just get through that as well. You will feel better soon enough thanks

UrsulaBuffay Sun 10-Mar-13 13:18:13

I would move the furniture round. Sounds mad but make the house a bit different and how you would prefer it, point the sofa in a different direction. Feel a bit more in control x

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 14:27:07

Have opted for bag of giant Buttons hmm is it really only 14:30...

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 14:35:18

Congratulations.

Re flexible child are, by all means try but be aware that some exes like to use child care as a means to f up your plans. I would advise you to make friends with a local Mum and join up with her for these sorts of needs. He may say yes only to drop you in it, as a way of punishing you for ditching him. Xxx

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 16:15:56

Ex just texted to say he wont be taking DS out today as previously agreed...and so it begins hmm

gingeme Sun 10-Mar-13 16:40:28

Thats what I mean. The court Split everything in half. Holidays, weekends etc. You need to wright it all down what you need he will need to read and agree then your barrister will speak with his and come to agreement then it will be down on paper. Does that make sense ?

INeverSaidThat Sun 10-Mar-13 16:48:33

..and so it begins. .... Indeed! sad

I know it must be really hard but don't rush any decisions and don't plan too exactly how you want everything to work out. This is a 'rest of your life' situation so you can afford to take you time and see how it goes.
If you can, it is usually best if you can keep things polite, non emotional and civil with your bastard exP. Rant on Mumsnet then be the bigger person.

Easier said than done but it is better for everyone usually if you can.

Hope you are ok.

gingeme Mon 11-Mar-13 07:57:06

Good morning. How are you feeling ? x

Mum2Fergus Mon 11-Mar-13 08:26:42

Oh Gingeme...crap to be honest!

Coped reasonably well yesterday (I think), early night with DS, both had a good sleep. This morning, car wont so DS not at nursery and late for work hmm

Waiting for AA for car then see if road is clear to nursery and get into office.

gingeme Mon 11-Mar-13 09:50:33

Oh dear. I know it sounds silly but things are going to get better. Do you have a good relationship at work? Are you able to talk to someone about the situation at home ? You have to give yourelf time to grieve. Be easy on yourself. Things get easier xx

Mum2Fergus Mon 11-Mar-13 16:28:48

What a day...finally got AA out, car started and got out for a few hours (via Halfords for a new battery!). Not a peep from x today, I can only assume he still plans to pick up DS (who, as an aside, has been brilliant company today!). Work were very understanding thankfully...but I guess I should make manager aware of whats happening...crazy, but Im almost embarassed about it hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Mar-13 16:37:02

If he's already proving to be unreliable for contact, don't put him in the planning as child-care. Find reliable alternatives and then he has no hold over you. Good luck

gingeme Mon 11-Mar-13 16:48:14

Very true cog . Im glad your work are understanding thats a big relief. Dont assume anything as far as x is concerned just make your own arrangements and let him fit in with them if he chooses. (Im a childminder by the way wink. )

Mum2Fergus Mon 11-Mar-13 16:51:57

Yep, both right...there are a couple of days coming up where I need to travel for work but will rearranged to ensure I can still do nursery drop and pick up and not give him the chance to mess me about! Can you travel to Edinburgh Gingeme lol ...

Mum2Fergus Mon 11-Mar-13 19:09:12

Apologies upfront for my language...however x is a cunt of the highest order. Text at time due to see DS saying he will see DS for half an hour on Wednesday! After not seeing him since Sunday and promising to see him every day!!

He's languishing in a BnB for 2 nights then having to move to a short term let, then having a long commute today, then....fuck right off x you waste of good organs!!

Aarrgghh...sorry hmm

gingeme Mon 11-Mar-13 19:50:06

You rant away. Sounds like your well rid. Ah really sorry but your a bit too far away . Keep Strong you sound like your minds made up already. The best revenge ( if thats the right Word) is to get on with your life. They hate that wink.

zippey Mon 11-Mar-13 20:59:41

I think you are well rid as well but it must be tough for him having moved out and now living from day to day, so I would cut him a bit of slack. He is probably feeling sorry for himself too so i echo those who say its fair to vent the inequalites of the situation here but try and be the better ang bigger person. of course it's hard for you too but you and your son seem like you're being strong for one another. Good luck!

ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 21:10:29

Showing his true colours isn't he OP.

Don't get dragged into poor him.

Fleecyslippers Mon 11-Mar-13 21:14:47

He is doing the classic 'poor meeeeee' routine. Ignore, and have lots of lovely cuddles with your little boy.

Mum2Fergus Tue 12-Mar-13 17:45:33

Better day today...albeit x has not asked how DS is for nearly 48hrs! Spoke to my line manager and she was very understanding...have just to let her know if I need any time off or even just chance of a moan. Plan on letting Mum/Dad/sis know once DS is in bed tonight. Couple of work travel days in the next month I have rescheduled to allow me to still do nursery drop/pick up-so x doesnt have opportunity to let me down!

gingeme Tue 12-Mar-13 18:56:03

Wow your doing very well so far grin

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