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Advice needed on how to become lost

(55 Posts)
Any14T Fri 08-Mar-13 21:51:35

After years of DV issues and stalking I have come to the conclusion I need to become lost. But I don't know what I have to do so I can't be traced as I have property to sell/chain to then buy again. I need to move and not be traced. I will only be moving a few miles away but will be ok as long as I am unable to be found. What do I need to do to achieve this?

lookingfoxy Fri 08-Mar-13 21:54:58

Stay off facebook, make sure your ex directory, don't register to vote?

Can you contact the police about the stalking? What about mutual friends, can you be sure they won't slip up, what about your work, will you be changing jobs, are you searchable on the internet.

LowLevelWhinging Fri 08-Mar-13 21:57:14

if they don't know the answers, they'll be able to point you in the right direction.

good luck x

UterusUterusGhali Fri 08-Mar-13 22:27:00

Go to the police if you are still being stalked & abused.

Do you have a restraining order in place.

Are you ok?

ElectricSheep Fri 08-Mar-13 22:39:23

It may be best to go in to a refuge for a while - this is exactly what they are for. A period there will support you and help to assess the traceable elements of your life eg job, family.

Remember ring 999 if you are feeling threatened.

Any14T Fri 08-Mar-13 23:00:52

Thank you all.

WA were only able to help to move if in rented accom. I can't afford to pay the fees of WA as I don't get HB. They did direct me to a solicitor but I think legal aid has been cut? I can't afford solicitor fees.
Police have never been able to take action as no evidence of ex as has been very clever in not getting caught and no fingerprints etc

I just need advice on what I need to change besides car. Never joined FB etc. Can the ex trace me? Would he be able to find out where I move too?

foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 23:05:50

you would need to be unlisted on the electoral roll. It is tricky to stay hidden if you are nearby and he is resourceful...but it is possible. however the vast majority of breaches come from friends and/or family of yours that the abuser knows.

DeafLeopard Fri 08-Mar-13 23:06:19

Change your name by deed poll?

Can you transfer your property into a holdings company with the address listed as your accountant? Preferably in a town a considerable distance away to allude to the fact that you have moved a long way away.

If you are staying local, then surely there is a chance you may bump into him / someone who knows him? Are you planning to change your appearance?

Any14T Fri 08-Mar-13 23:10:00

so it would just be the electoral roll? Yes I would have to keep my new address from a certain family member.

Any14T Fri 08-Mar-13 23:16:00

I was thinking of changing our surname. Ex isn't on Birth Certificate, so will this be ok without his permission to change DC surname?

I can't move far but 10 miles to other side of city should be just as safe. Ex not from my city. No shared friends left and he would not know my new friends.

Sunshinewithshowers Fri 08-Mar-13 23:23:29

Check on
( google your own name & it comes up)

They have listed every house & the dates that I have lived there (including my current address)

I have written to them & yet I am still listed.

I have ticked the box on the back of the electoral roll that comes in the post, so hopefully wont be on in future property's.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 08-Mar-13 23:24:15

You can still be on the electoral roll (and so have a vote), but you need to tick the box that says you don't want your info publically available. This may affect your credit rating, though. How old are dc?

foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 23:25:03

Well electoral roll is what people mostly forget....

how thoroughly do you need to disappear?

Frank Ahearn has written a book on how to disappear from your life...but he really, really means disappear. Are you just making it very difficult for him to find you. How resourceful is he? Realistically if you are in the same town then you won;t be able to disappear the risk of a chance meeting/mutual friend seeing you are great.
Disappearing with a child is also harder than disappearing as an adult. There are lots of records kept of children.

Sunshinewithshowers Fri 08-Mar-13 23:28:33

Yep, I just googled my name & town together & the first 5 hits on google are with my details.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 08-Mar-13 23:31:35

I have just googled my name and town(ish), no results for me because I have always ticked the box on the electoral roll.

I was coming on to say the same thing as sunshinewithshowers with regards to
I chose to be unlisted on the electoral roll, but my address was still on, and by paying a small fee to register and see my details my ex was able to track me down.
I complained to, and only after emails threatening legal action and faxing them were my details taken down - but, too little to late.
It appears that some councils pass on details to sites like - despite you saying you want to be unlisted.

Good luck to you.

IDunnoAboutThis Fri 08-Mar-13 23:34:09

I've also found myself on 192, and I'm ex directory!

Please rethink living close by. It will muddy the waters in so many ways.

Be safe

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 08-Mar-13 23:35:43

Sorry, I take that back, I signed an online petition with my own name and that shows. Otherwise, everything on page one of a google search is an obituary to a namesake!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 08-Mar-13 23:36:37

Ex-directory is also a good idea (if not foolproof).

ToomuchWaternotWine Fri 08-Mar-13 23:36:37

Fuck that 192 thing is scary!! I did NOT know about that. Good luck OP I wish you the very best.

nomdesw2 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:41:19

Yes. Deed poll. I did exactly this with two children five years ago and he has never found me. Your OP has just provoked a first post out of me and i cannot figure out the PM thing yet but will check back tomorrow to see if you are still in need of details. It does ha've to b done carefully so that all lines by which you could easily b traced are either severed simultaneously or at least in the correct order....

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 08-Mar-13 23:48:05

PM is very easy, nom, the top righthand corner of every post has Add message/report/message poster. Click on the last one.

Any14T Fri 08-Mar-13 23:57:06

Thank you 192 I am ex directory and not listed on electoral roll and if you pay a fee my details come up!

How do I sell and buy and change my name at the time I buy without my old name on new property and/or new name on current property as that flamming 192 will catch me out I know - I am so sorry Peppa this happened to you sad
I am afraid also going to all that effort and it is simple within minutes to find us.

Ex doesn't live in same city. No chance of bumping into ex in the city.

I don't think I can do 'disappear disappear' due to DC? How would ex trace the DC if not on register?

Any14T Fri 08-Mar-13 23:58:08

nom I am sorry I provoked old emotions/memories for yousad

Can you sell first and not buy until you have changed your name by deed poll?

I would imagine if you rent, stay ex directory and dont let anybody know where you live you would be ok? Change your name and then buy?

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 00:18:52

No if I sell and rent I lose my benifits and then it eats into my deposit until I have hardly anything left and wont get another mortgage then due to not being able to work curremtly.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor.

The long way around is to convert your mortgage into a buy to let. Let your property. Rent a property to live in and let the rent you receive cover your rent. Then change your name through deedpoll. Sell and buy. Long process!

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 00:31:54

I know Pure I think I do but was hoping to get a free route from here as I feel so trapped what ever way I turn and solicitors are expensive. If I convert my mortgage to buy to let classes as income and paying mortgage and renting somewhere even one bedroom bedsit and live on the money (as no benifits then) I would be in serious finanical trouble. I would need thousands behind me to do that which I have not got anything.

If I rented would I still show up on 192 also? Blasted site!

The rent would classify as income yes, but the mortgage, agents fees etc, would classify as expense that could cancel out your income, for tax purposes.

But, dim question, if you own your own home, do you need benefits?

I recommend speaking to womens aid or refuge.

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 00:49:51

I don't yet for a good few years as I pay my mortgage out of my benefits. Yes done WA chat cant help as I am not homeless unless I let my house go and entitled to HB.

izzyizin Sat 09-Mar-13 01:07:36

It can be done but once you're established in the halls of officialdom with driving licence/passport/professional qualifications/purchase of property/dc and the like, it's not an easy task to disappear to the extent you become completely untraceable and, even if you were willing to sever all contact with anyone including close relatives/friends in your former life, it will be nigh on impossible to do so a mere 10 miles away from your former home.

Is this somewhat extreme measure absolutely necessary? What legal measures have you taken to combat your ex's dv/stalking? Have any incidents been reported to the police?

By virtue of the fact he's not named on the birth certificate, the father of your dc does not have parental responsibility. Has this been varied by Court order, has he begun proceedings for contact, does he pay maintenance?

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 01:22:31

It is impossible then at present. I will have to wait until I am in a position to rent and change my name and all those documents. That could be another year.

Yes all reported to police but ex has been clever not to be caught/seen by witnesses/neighbours. Police don't even come to my home anymore. I just report and get another incident number.

No contact, no maintenance and sorry can you explain please I have to get varied by court order?

Buzzardbird Sat 09-Mar-13 01:27:57

Also make sure any dcs at school are not allowed to be photographed.

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 01:34:44

Yes esp as changed DC schools and ex has been spotted at the old school previously in the morning so doesn't know the new one thankfully which is other side of city. Trouble is DC are on internet and have to watch putting surname to anything incase shows up in searches

izzyizin Sat 09-Mar-13 02:14:04

Don't worry - you don't have to apply for any variation of your ds's birth certificate and, as the father is not named, there's nothing to prevent you changing ds's name.

If your ex was so inclined, he could apply for a contact order which would give him the right to see his ds and he may elect to make application for his name to be added to his ds's birth cert.

However, don't worry unduly about this as, with effect from early April, legal aid won't be available for applications/proceedings of this nature and, unless your ex is particularly well-heeled, it's unlikely he'll have the werewithal to fund what can be costly legal proceedings.

While you're on benefits there's no way you can 'disappear' to the extent that the police wouldn't be able to find you if ordered to do so by a Court of Law or if it were necessary for other reasons, but they won't exercise this power merely on request from your ex.

SanctuaryMoon Sat 09-Mar-13 11:35:57

Haven't read the whole thread, but being on the edited register will not harm your credit rating, as credit reference agencies get the full version of the register.

Best of luck OP.

garlicbrain Sat 09-Mar-13 15:22:55

being on the edited register will not harm your credit rating, as credit reference agencies get the full version

Well, that makes it pretty useless for anyone trying to disappear. Loads of companies offer a credit search for about £30.

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 16:02:48

Sorry this sounds silly question. But if I can get myself removed from this, stay ex directory and not listed on the electoral role will this be enough to stop ex tracking me down? Or can he find ds on some sort of records....he has blagged before phoning school and social services etc saying he was 'ds father' asking for confidential information which was given to him. It wasn't checked ex did not have PR.

That is good I can change DC surname without ex permission.

Oh dear does that mean ex can pay a small fee and get my details againsad

This disappearing thing is not as easy as I thought.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 09-Mar-13 18:15:34

Electoral roll info including this;

In addition, those who believe that having their name and address on the electoral register would put them, or anyone who lives with them, at risk can apply for anonymous registration. Ask your Electoral Registration Officer for further information.

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 18:46:02

Thank you I read on the link that I have to write to Electoral role. I always thought just ticking that box was enough? I will write to them next week.

How do I protect myself from these credit rating agencies giving my details out?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 09-Mar-13 19:28:37

I think, from the link, that if you write to them they can put extra safeguards in place, over and above ticking the box. It's got to be worth asking?

50shadesofgreyhair Sat 09-Mar-13 19:42:21

If you told a solicitor all that you've told us, couldn't you get an injunction against him coming within a certain distance of you? So sorry to read about this, what a horrible existence.

DeafLeopard Sat 09-Mar-13 23:13:18

192 pulls records from the electoral roll and companies house and the BMD register IIRC.

So if you are on the electoral roll you will appear on 192 - what you can do is ask to appear on the edited register so that it doesn't pull your details across, but anyone can go into the library and access the full electoral roll for free.

Any14T Sat 09-Mar-13 23:31:46

Solicitor said I would need evidence to get injunction. I have not even witness as lone parent.

BMD don't hold your address do they?

So even if I ask not to be listed ex walks into library and gets the address?

It's not even worth trying to disappear it's too easy to be foundsad

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 09-Mar-13 23:54:00

It is not true that if you are on the electoral roll you will end up on 192. As soon as they started selling ER info, with the opt-out, I opted out. I have been on the edited version ever since and cannot be found via 192. (Will admit I haven't tried walking into a library to check.)

With the additional protection apparently offered (which Any is going to check out) by the ER folks, it should be perfectly safe for her to have a vote.

GingerJulep Sun 10-Mar-13 01:02:43

This sounds like a /very/ drastic step to be taking for both you and your child/children.

A (not particularly close, I barely knew him) family member 'disappeared', and was reported 'missing', for a period of 13years when I was growing up and the effect on our shared connections was devastating. (Totally different reasons and found through an unethical telecoms employee in the end, but not after the family had been called to view dead bodies found by the police in case they were him on more than one occasion.)

You may not want to answer on here to avoid being identified but WHY do you want to do this? What are you scared of?

If your ex was phoning/writing to you in a harassing way you'd have evidence.

So, I'm assuming this is about him coming to your home? Would cctv and a burglar alarm not be a cheaper/easier option (moving costs after all are significant)? May make you feel safer (depending on what you're actually scared of). Will also get you the evidence.

Any14T Sun 10-Mar-13 01:48:28

That must have been horrendous for your family members to have gone through all that! The family I do have contact will know where I am if move.

I have all that. Ex has come closer with time. Ex used to drive past street, then up and down street and parks outside house (at position not to be picked up by cctv). When I contact police they can't help me as I don't have the reg number and each time it has been a different car.

This has freaked me out more than when ex used to try and break in. But I guess I have weakened over the years and not as strong psychologically now to cope with it.

As an elections officer, we do occasionally get voters who are on the role but are in 'hiding'. There is no name on their poll card or on the register, they are just a number. Often it's people in witness protection etc. The law changed in 2006. You will likely have to provide some evidence though about why you should be anon. E.g example of non-mol or restraining order, or police information.

Any14T Sun 10-Mar-13 02:33:43

Oh that is encouraging thank you! Will I need to go to the police to write to my ER Offices or do I just give the incident numbers. So I would also be better off applying as soon as I move and not before as my unique number will go with me?

garlicbrain Sun 10-Mar-13 12:30:59

I wondered if you were the poster I knew from previous threads, Any smile I'm so glad you're working on this now. Wishing you all good luck with it - it's time you were able to feel safe. xx

I know someone who is 'lost' after DV issues. I can't elaborate on details but her life was at risk.

I only know her by the name she uses now. She moved away from the area where the incidents occurred. Her DCs also have 'new' names.

However, the background is a little different, and there were witnesses to stalking/threats/harassment, and I believe the police were involved.

Wishing you much luck in becoming untraceable, Any

slambang Sun 10-Mar-13 12:52:52

To add to the 'to do' list:

A Mner recently had her address given away to her abusive ex by a loose-lipped doctor's receptionist. e.g.
EX: I'm Alfie Smith's father. Date of birth XYZ, phoning to enquire about his tests.
Receptionist: Oh is that Alfie Smith of 9 Secret Terrace, Nowhereton?
Ex: Why, yes it is. Thanks. angry

Although the receptionist was clearly completely breaking every rule of data protection the surgery didn't respond to the complaint with much concern and just said she wasn't flagged on the system as a security concern.

Just to be on the safe side I'd make very sure that yours and your dcs' GPs surgeries, schools, workplaces etc have a note on their records that info must not be given to anybody except you.

And good luck.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 13:41:09

OP, how much would you get for your house if you sold it? Personally I would change my name and emigrate. I couldn't bear the stress that you're going through.

Can't Women's Aid give you advice on disappearing?

Any14T Sun 10-Mar-13 15:25:24

No GB smile

Thanks MrsC for the luck I think I need it trying to disappear!

Esp with these receptionists....slam same happened when DC was born had big message up to say I was not at the hospital...Nurse comes up 'Your DH is on the phone he wants to know how you and baby are doing?'
Me: sad angry <sobbing>

IB WA can only help if in rented accomadation....tried MP, council, WA, Police, solicitor in past. I own nearly 50% enough to get 1 bedroom at a squeeze.

DeafLeopard Mon 11-Mar-13 10:29:07

Ah I've just recognised your story. You poor thing, this situation is just awful for you.

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