Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

just asked/told DP to leave

(68 Posts)
macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 11:25:18

My dp of 13 years has become increasingly horrible. He has been fond of waving the "If you don't like it I 'll leave " card whenever challenged re his behaviour. This morning I just said fine, I agree that you should go.
So now I am hiding upstairs waiting for him to actually fuck off.
There is a long and difficult back story to this which I will fill in when he goes. Sorry for the drip feed - need some support. I have posted before but under different names and he has tricked me into believing he will change - I have realised for a while now that he won't.
We have four children and I am pregnant. I have a very demanding job; he is unemployed. My family all live hundreds of kilometres away.

pootlebug Fri 08-Mar-13 11:28:19

Good on you for not accepting being treated like that any more. I am sure the coming days and weeks will have different challenges but hopefully you can move ahead with a better life for yourself and your kids. There's lots of support to be found on here, I'm sure.

Lizzabadger Fri 08-Mar-13 11:34:12

Well done. Please don't take him back whatever he promises. He won't change.

Life will be so much better without him.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 11:34:28

Thank you. He is now banging stuff around packing his bags. It's all high drama here. I'm sick of it- the catastrophising-. If he leaves now he never wants to see the kids again; he's going to go and overdose on heroin (he is not a heroin user ,but we are from an area where drug abuse is an issue).

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 11:37:00

Hmm will he actually go? I am skeptical as it never seems to be that easy to get rid of these drama queens. The loud packing smacks of attention seeking and these types never do just fuck off easily I have found. V

lunar1 Fri 08-Mar-13 11:37:00

Well done, it's such a brave thing to do. Hope he leaves quickly and without too much fuss

oldwomaninashoe Fri 08-Mar-13 11:38:33

Does he have life insurance hmm

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 11:42:20

unfortunately no life insurance smile...
I think he will go but in the past he has not stayed gone; he has left before but come crawling back when he owes money to family members and they turf him out.
It is making me cringe to see this in black and white; if you knew me you would never think I put up with this shite.

Lizzabadger Fri 08-Mar-13 11:45:42

Change the locks when he's gone (yes I know it's illegal) and don't answer the phone to him. Don't listen to any of his threats.

You really need this excuse for a himan being out of your life.

Lizzabadger Fri 08-Mar-13 11:46:28

Document any harassment and inform the police.

LemonDrizzled Fri 08-Mar-13 11:48:58

Cheering for you here Macklemom you sound like a great lady! Be strong for your DC and show them what good boundaries look like. No letting him wheedle himself back in. Does he have any positives? What will you miss and how can you replace that so you don't cave in?

scaevola Fri 08-Mar-13 11:52:41

It must have taken a lot to get to this point.

Stay strong.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 11:56:16

He has spent the morning telling me I am sick in the head, that I have turned the children against him.
I am far from perfect but kids aren't stupid are they? They know what they see.

DP is a habitual cannabis user.
A binge drinker who becomes paranoid and verbally abusive so rarely drinks anymore.
He has attacked me physically on two occassions some years ago- these have been documented by police and gp.
He has signed up for no strings attached shag sites- but I have no evidence to say he has contacted anyone from these.
He is always screaming at our children lately- has singled one ch.ild out in particular and last night threatened her physically- knocked her drink all over her school work. This is why I will not let him back

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:02:24

obviously he is not a pig all the time- but I know that they never are.
He had an abusive childhood and suffers from depression and PTSD due to a horrific accident. He was doing well with treatment but has given up- I have detatched from his shit.

targaryen24 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:03:23

What a freakin charmer macklemom hmm

When a partner says it's in your head etc they're just trying to make you feel like it's a perception problem, your fault & that they shouldn't be held accountable. (a.k.a's insidious and very cruel).

The kids have seen all that, so it's not a surprise that they think he's a bell end. Well done for not putting up with it anymore, things will improve, you'll see smile thanks

targaryen24 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:04:48

(and plenty of people have shit childhoods and don't treat their partners like shit...I should know. Just focus on yourself & your kids. It'll all blow over & you'll be glad you did this)!

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:05:52

Lemondrizzled - he is all I have in way of support; I am a stereotype as in the product of a 'Stately Homes' childhood so no help from family; can't afford childcare but feel that my kids are at risk now so If I have to give up work I will go on benefits if I have tosad

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:06:45

Thankyou Targaryen24.

TheOriginalLadyFT Fri 08-Mar-13 12:12:51

Good on you for booting out the cocklodger

It's sad that he has issues, but that is for him to resolve - it sounds like you've done what you could to support him, but there comes a time when you have to stand back and do what is right for you and your children

Get him out, keep him out and mae sure you're legally and financially protected

TheOriginalLadyFT Fri 08-Mar-13 12:13:31


LadySnapcase Fri 08-Mar-13 12:13:33

OP, I just want to say how brave and strong you are being; you are 100% doing the right thing both for yourself and for your DC. Please get in touch with your local Domestic Violence charity; they will help support you. And remember; NOTHING HE DOES NOW IS YOUR FAULT. He is an adult and fully capable of making his own decisions, you are not responsible for his behaviour no matter how much he tries to put it on you.

Good luck thanks

ElvisIsKing Fri 08-Mar-13 12:14:29

You are definitely doing the right thing and you know you are. I have been there and that is what broke the camel's back for me in the end, the bad behaviour had started to affect my children (really only the oldest who was 4 at the time)

Well done you for defending yourself and your children

We are all here to support you, hand hold and give you any advice you may need day or night. Keep strong smile

Dryjuice25 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:17:55

Sending hugs and brew. Keep strong.You don't need this man in your life.I found my ex was became extremely EA when I was pg with dc3. Someone he thought I would suckit up because I was pg. I asked him to leave.

You will manage.I did. It will be difficult but long term benefits are awaiting. Keep posting. Really he is no catch! Why is he not employed then? Is he a feckles cocklodger? Or was is a mutual agreement that suited your family situation?

katrinefonsmark Fri 08-Mar-13 12:18:19

You mustn't let him back. Not least because he traumatises your children.

Dryjuice25 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:19:30

my ex became*

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 08-Mar-13 12:20:02

Please do tell people in RL and maybe 101 too to let them know that he is leaving. Given his violent past, and latest outburst against your DD, it is best that they know to come quickly.

Please do expect him to change his mind and try to come back, and prepare a plan accordingly: ask neighbours to be vigilant, ask friend around, etc.

Good luck.

Dryjuice25 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:21:11

Yes Katrine. The way he is with the kids is wholly unacceptable. Why is he damaging his own DCS? There is no excuse for this.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:24:50

The unemployment is a result of an accident which left him incapacitated for two years during which the company he worked for ceased trading. He has not been able to find work since as his profession has been badly affected by recession.
However he hasn't tried to retrain or seek alternative employment either.
He did receive a substantial compensation pay out which he blew 50 percent of on the horses - did I mention he is a gambler?

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 08-Mar-13 12:28:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:30:54

He needs money for the bus.
I have left it downstairs.
I feel a bit wobbly

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:33:13

oh god more bag rustling and draw slamming sad

Hopasholic Fri 08-Mar-13 12:44:00

He's trying to make you feel sorry for him. Don't. Stay strong, you've made a difficult decision but the right one for you and your children. Try and find out if you'd be entitled to any financial help with childcare/ WTC Go onto benefits adviser, you can do a rough calculation without putting any personal details in.
( obviously not right now, you've got enough on, but do have a look)

DoctorWhoFan Fri 08-Mar-13 12:45:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but be strong, for yourself and the DCs.

Do you know what he's taking? Just in case he's hoofing off with all the family 'silver'?

Lizzabadger Fri 08-Mar-13 12:47:01

Don't start feeling sorry for him. Ignore, ignore, ignore all his pathetic attention-seeking attempts.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:47:35

nothing of value for him to take here; it's all high drama..

Dryjuice25 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:52:05

He is just attention seeking. Ignore. You are doing well so far. Let him go.

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 08-Mar-13 12:52:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gintonic Fri 08-Mar-13 12:54:55

Stay strong. Put the key in the door when he's gone so he can't let himself back in.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:59:35

well he's gone. Took a few clothes in a binbag.
As he was leaving he announced that he will be here on tuesday or wednesday to go to the council and take his name off of the tenancy agreement. Said as though he was doing me a favour .
I pointed out that it was in his interest to do this as he will not qualify with help towards his own housing costs if he didn't.
Stupid man.

Flisspaps Fri 08-Mar-13 13:01:38

Well done you.

And breathe.

Tell him that you will meet him at the council office (or wherever you need to go) to take his name off, he doesn't need to come to your house to do it.

DoctorWhoFan Fri 08-Mar-13 13:06:00

Oh well done macklemom. You did it! Now you can face your future with a smile and a spring in your step away from someone who is nasty to you and your children.


BeCool Fri 08-Mar-13 13:16:22

Well done macklemom - he's out!! You are so doing the right thing - even the kindest and most understanding partner has to draw the line somewhere when things just don't change for the better. It does seem to be that bad behaviour leads to worse behaviour, rather than improvements in these men.

I asked my P to leave at Xmas - now it's March and it's amazing how quickly the new routine and new 'normal' happens. Me and the DC are all enjoying our lives without exP's hostility, and exP is trying very hard to be nice!

You can do this & you will all be better off without him. {{{hugs}}}

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 13:28:43

don't really know how I feel to be honest.
I am happy but afraid of the long road ahead.
Two of the dc's have additional needs. I am exhausted with this pregnancy.
I guess it will be easier without a manchild on top.
The house is in bits as with me working full time for the last two years he hasnt kept on top of the house work/maintenance- I have had to do it; but struggle since being preggers.

CityTiliDie Fri 08-Mar-13 13:51:10

Well done for chucking him out and make sure he stays gone.

Must say I'm a bit surprised why you went on having children with this twat when you have had a 'long history' of trouble and violence.

Bit late now.

Good luck

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 15:32:38

thank you for the overwhelming support everyone.

CitytilIdie - thank you but I must say I have seen similar comments on other threads ( not by you) and always think it sounds terribly rude to ask someone 'why' they had their children. I don't expect such comments are meant to be insulting but it sounds like the posters think the children from abusive relationships don't deserve to be born.
A quick read of these boards will show that it is not uncommon for otherwise intelligent women to be married to and have children with abusive men and that extricating oneself from such is a long and painful process.
Sorry but my children are loved and adored and it just rankles a bit when comments as such are made.. not looking for a bunfight smile

Have a chat with WOmen's Aid about getting help and support for yourself, also your midwife/HV/GP and the police DV unit. As this wretched man has a track record of violence, they will support you in keeping him out of the house and indeed getting a non-mol order to prevent hiim coming anywhere near you if necessary. RIght now you need, by the sound of it, some practical help with the DC and, in time, some counselling for yourself eg Freedom Programme. If you had an awful childhood, that's part of the reason why you have ended up with an abusive man - it's not your fault, but people who have been abused are attractive to abusers.
Best of luck, your new life starts today.

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 08-Mar-13 18:03:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 21:38:58

eek something weird going on with this its not showing up ..

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 21:47:50

Anyone who asks someone why they had children/are pregnant when that person posts about their relationship being problematic and for support is a complete and utter arsehole.


CityTiliDie Fri 08-Mar-13 21:50:11

You're right it doesnt matter now anyway and I appologise if anyone found it offensive to ask a question, being a male I do not understand what makes an intelligent woman think " this partner of mine is a twat, drinks, takes drugs, gambles, is violent towards me...... I know what will help. More children!"

I'm not having a go at any one and I know these children are nearly always loved and well cared for but they are nearly always damaged by the parents relationship too. I simply dont understand why you would have more in a relationship that is that bad.

If any one can explain I would be grateful.

I hope that OP gets herself sorted and this nob out of her life for good.

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 21:52:38

Well City now you know it's a cramp thing to do so don't. And stop trying to drive your point home even when apologising because that kind of makes it NOT an apology.

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 08-Mar-13 21:54:44

Mack good luck, I am cheering you on smile. However hard the future may be, don't forget it will also be full of joy which you'll be able to appreciate because you don't have an abusive cock lodger undermining, abusing and stinking up the atmosphere of your home. You're a brave and clever lady, well done thanks wine smile Loads of support on here to carry you through the early days and then you'll never look back!

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 21:54:54

And if you need to have it explained to why people sometimes stay in abusive relationships then I suggest you do a bit less posting and a bit more reading here on the relationships board because at the moment you sounding ignorant and narrow minded and in light of what the OP is posting about she shouldn't have to be explaining that to you right now.

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 21:56:22

Actually why not start your own thread asking that question? May I suggest you start a thread in AIBU.

Maybe start a new thread, City? I'm sure mnetters will be happy to help.

OP I've just spotted your thread. Maybe it was on p.2 for a while. Well done for chucking him out. Why does he have to come back to your house to go to the council? Keep him away! How old are your DC?

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 22:36:12

hi all; glad it wasn't only me being prickly -thought I might be a bit oversensitive!

This thread had completely disappeared from my mumsnet page had to search for it!
Feeling so so tired , had to go to emergency doc with one of the dcs ; she has an ear infection sad .
Then one of the dcs (nobody taking the blame! ) flooded the bathroom by leaving tissue in the sink and the tap running so fun and games here.
DCs are primary school aged 5,6,9,11.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 22:38:42

I think he wants to fill another bin bag/sulk a bit ...

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 08-Mar-13 22:41:19

Mack could you make an appointment for him to fill his bin bag when you're not there? Is there anyone in RL who could meet him while you're out of the house and get his keys off him when he had his fill of bin bags grin

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 08-Mar-13 22:42:55

so sorry to hear about ear infection and bathroom; last thing any of you need right now. But it's up wards and on wards from here. Big (((hugs))) which are apparently not allowed on MN, sorry, grin)

minkembra Fri 08-Mar-13 23:11:53

Wishing you luck.
My ex very stropilly packed up an entire 52" telly and home cinema during his dramatic exit. (telly i never wanted that he thought I'd miss) exit slightly spoiled by the fact it took him 2 trips.
during cbeebies betime hour. the kids said "why are you packing the telly are you going on holiday?"
quite difficult to flounce out with a telly that size under your arm.wink

stay strong. breaking up, even with a prize specimen like my ex is never easy but it does get better. and what he deicides to do after you split is his responsibility (as is everything he has done up to now).

hope ear infection improves. although at least the dcs are providing a distraction!

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 23:21:52

I do think that once he's been away from home comforts for a few days he's going to try and weasel his way back in, hope I am wrong though.

minkembra Fri 08-Mar-13 23:34:50

^ ^ no doubt he will but that does not mean the OP has to let him back in.
see his strop as an opportunity.

if he comes back he will do it all again.

he will not change.
maybe not straight away but he will.

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 09-Mar-13 00:08:33

<waves to mink>

Never mind what he says, chat to WA, police etc about keeping him out of the house, pack his belongings in a binliner and leave them on the doorstep for him. And change the locks.

Even if his name is on the mortgage/tenancy agreement, a violent man (and you say this one's violence in record on more than one occasion) can be locked out of the house and banned from entering. The most important thing to remember in the early stages of getting rid of an abusive man is, no matter what he says and even though you have been trained to percieve him as Always Right and ALl Powerful, he's just an inadequate dick and definitely not above the law. The police and the courts can keep him away from you, he has no rights at all to any contact with you once he's been dumped, and WRT contact with the DC, it is legally framed as being the child's right to have contact with the parent so it's about what's best for them (and an aggressive druggie definitely isn't).

macklemom Sat 09-Mar-13 07:28:31

Thank you all. It is a strange situation altogether. His violence in the past was during the better times , unprovoked and out of the blue; after binge drinking and I suspect recreational drug use.
In recent months/years it is the utter peculiarity of his behaviour which has killed respect for him. Although he clearly has substance abuse problems, it used to be a weak spliff in the garden shed before be time (all these inadequate stoners lurk in the shed!). He was always lazy around the house and a bit childish but he was funny,confident, hard working and good fun. |Since his accident (second life threatening one in his lifetime) he has suffered with chronic pain and decided to self medicate with super strong herbal cannabis- to which he is fully addicted.

Honestly I would be a fairly relaxed person, but this new stuff which is around is lethal- I would call it green heroin. So strong and addictive , his personality has changed completely, I think it has caused a psychotic episode. Our sex life dwindled because I can't feel aroused by someone I had no respect for. How my current pregnancy occurred is a million to one chance, I had been sleeping with him approximately once a month only because I felt bad. He had turned from an exciting and caring , passionate lover to a creepy fecker who would never look at my face /eyes ..just stare at my body in a dispassionate way.
His crappy lovemaking skills coincided with his use of online porn ; no shock there.

macklemom Sat 09-Mar-13 07:43:16

Also , the fact that I have been the breadwinner, seems to have triggered his chauvenistic tendencies, he thinks I am defective as I do not service his need nor will I take responsibility for the housework in it's entirety as I work full time.
I had been conditioned by my mother to believe that 'that's just how men are'. That there are two types of men in the world, exciting cads and dull, limp family men. A few years ago I realised that this is utter bollocks and challenged his behaviour routinely , I also called my mother on it . Once you realise something is awry, you can't just forget about it.

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 09-Mar-13 11:34:06

Mack you sound very clear minded which is a strong tool in fighting your way out of an abusive relationship. I agree re the addiction. Like any addict he needs to sort his own self out- you can't do it for him as you know. For yours and kids sake I would second wholeheartedly what SGB said. Good luck, keep posting as it'll keep your thoughts straight.

ElvisIsKing Mon 25-Mar-13 19:52:49

How are you getting on OP?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now