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Oh crap - I think I've made myself look rather foolish

(175 Posts)
ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:00:46

I've just sent the following email to both H and someone he's been emailing in a slightly less than professional capacity:

Hello to you both

Whilst it is heartwarming to watch your blossoming romance via the internet, I wonder if either of you could spare a thought for the poor pathetic wife in this scenario? I'm sure that you both will protest that this exchange between you is entirely innocent and that you simply have a connection as "friends". But whilst you exchange your star-signs and discuss hobbies, I do have to wonder why you both choose to do this via private email addresses rather than your work emails... could it be that you have something to hide perhaps? Or perhaps you're concerned that both of your respective employers will catch on to the fact that you are conducting daily phonecalls under the guise of work. Far be it for someone as lowly as a wife to question her husband once again putting in danger our family's only income for the sake of this "friendship" but it seems to me that innocent people don't conduct themselves in this fashion.

I guess that I should be relieved that the distance between you prevents this friendship spilling into the physical realm as it has in the past for the poor innocent husband. Oh but my dear, please do not concern yourself - (H) will soon be young free and single once more and you will be free to meet and discuss your match on one of your trips to London. (H) has no such qualms about something as trivial as marriage holding him back from such a meeting - you see, this is not the first time and I'm sure will not be the last. In fact, he has quite a penchant for single mothers so it seems that this dalliance was meant to be. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for him, his wife is not so forgiving and for her, this will be the last time. I do hope that the friendship was worth it my dear husband.

Oh crap oh crap oh crap - I look bonkers don't I? In my defence, there's a massive back story and I just saw a bit red when I found the emails (half of which had been deleted from H's side)......Hit me with it - I feel sorry for her now, she's probably not got a clue that he's a nasty predatory wanker and perhaps she really was seeking friendship <<clutches straws>>

MustafaCake Thu 07-Mar-13 23:05:27

I'm so sorry that your husband is being such a huge shit.

But very glad to hear that you are getting rid of him!

Don't worry what his "friend" thinks, if it was me I'd be glad of the warning! You don't sound bonkers at all, you sound remarkably composed.

Good luck for what is to come.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Mar-13 23:07:57

I think you come across far more composed and controlled than I would in this situation.

Are you ok? Are you safe? Xx

Doogle2 Thu 07-Mar-13 23:08:03

I agree. You don't sound mad and I think your message is clear. Well done for having the guts to address it.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time and hope it improves soon.

MissLurkalot Thu 07-Mar-13 23:08:43

Bloody marvellous! I love it! You absolutely rock!
No foolishness here... Just great writing.
Well done. x

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:10:16

Thank you both - I dont feel calm but I guess I've just put up with this shit one too many times. It's particularly galling because we recently separated for two months and I came back on the understanding that he would stop all this crap (amongst other things)....

I think I'm safe stuntgirl - if he kicks off, I have a plan but I'd sooner call the rozzers and put his arse out so he'd be doing me a massive favour. God, I sound like such a heartless bitch and i am so so done (in).

schwelley Thu 07-Mar-13 23:10:19

My first post on MN, and I'm so pleased I have found such a worthy message to reply to... You go girl! I can only imagine the sick feeling they will both get when they read it - so fair play on going for the kill!

You spoke with confidence and empowerment, and I bloody loved it smile

(Also, sorry that you've had to deal with such shite from your husband)... I truly hope you are able to resolve the situation - whichever way it works out xxx

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:10:51

Thanks guys <<strangely proud>>

TeamEdward Thu 07-Mar-13 23:11:36

(D)H sounds like a right cocklodger.

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:11:37

First post Schwelley? Wow I'm honoured smile Time to get stuck into AIBU!

BookieMonster Thu 07-Mar-13 23:12:21

You don't sound foolish, you sound empowered.

TobyLerone Thu 07-Mar-13 23:12:29

I'll be the lone voice of dissent and say yes, you look utterly bonkers.

Hope it all works out for you.

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:13:05

Aaah TE - he's not a cocklodger anymore He's just a super twat who thinks he can carry on twatting about and charm my knickers off every once in a while until it blows over and he can twat about again. The buck stops here Twat.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Mar-13 23:13:36

You should be proud for having the strength to get rid of this dead weight!

I'm glad you have a plan, don't be afraid to call the police if you think he's going to get violent.

Are you able to make copies of the email and any financial/personal paperwork for evidence?

FaceCake Thu 07-Mar-13 23:14:55

As the others have said, it makes you sound calm and composed. Well done for addressing both of them, that definitely makes things better than just emailing her.

It looks like you're doing the right thing in walking away, you deserve far better.

Anyone who believes horoscopes to be a worthwhile topic of conversation is an outright twat.

Get rid of him. Worry not about her. Be proud of your snarkily articulate and (for him) sphincter-tightening email.

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:15:50

TobyLerone - you see I knew it'd all be a matter of perspective - one person's strong kick arse woman is another's crazed woman scorned...

I'm not concerned about looking bonkers to him tbh but that poor girl, i feel like utter shit when I think about how she'll feel reading that. But honestly I had to do something. I just could not have another roundabout conversation with him where he minimises it all and makes me feel like I'm bonkers for even thinking that what he does is inappropriate at best and cheating at worst. I know she's not the cause of all this angst and I do feel sorry for hurting her.

akaemmafrost Thu 07-Mar-13 23:16:23

No, I think it's bloody brilliant!

longingforsomesleep Thu 07-Mar-13 23:16:29

Paranoid - you come across as an intelligent, very articulate and very calm person who has reached the end of the line. No ranting, no hysteria, no name-calling or mud-slinging, just a beautifully crafted piece of prose which contrasts perfectly with your husband's pathetic behaviour. You can hold your head high for conducting yourself so well.

schwelley Thu 07-Mar-13 23:17:02

Haha - yes Prue - first ever post! Im prepared to leave my life behind and join in...;)

Ive read your post a couple of times, and I am still loving it!!! I also agree you're a bit bonkers, but that has only proved to be a good thing. You have done what so many people would want to - but never have the bloody balls!

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:18:17

Yes, he's going to hit the roof Stuntgirl and yes sphincter tightening will be his first reaction (thank you for that image Bunny!) but after that he'll go mad. I'm fully prepared (ish) and will sleep on the sofa downstairs tonight so that when he gets up in the early morning to check his emails and wank off to adultwork he won't wake the kids up to get to me.

ImperialBlether Thu 07-Mar-13 23:20:03

Has he mentioned it since? Were you expecting him home tonight?

cjel Thu 07-Mar-13 23:21:38

I think it is amazing and wish I'd had the courage to write what I felt at the time. I was worried I'd rant and be silly but you've got it just right. Hope you stay strong.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Mar-13 23:22:50

So you think he won't see the email 'til the morning? Is there any way you could arrange a friend or someone to be in the house tomorrow morning? Children aren't always enough of a reason to stop violent men sad

almostanotherday Thu 07-Mar-13 23:23:20

Well done, that was very calm and well written OP and I hope you will move on from that and be well rid of the tosserman.

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:24:25

He's been here all night IB - he's been asleep since after he begrudgingly helped put the kids to bed (one of his attempts to salvage our relationship which is sadly slipping). I sent it about half an hour ago so no doubt he'll check his emails in the morning - he always wakes up dead early so if by some miracle, he wants to discuss it before he leaves for work at 7am I'll be happy to do that. I'm not holding my breath though. I'm quite sure that there'll be alot of ranting about how I put his job at risk, embarrassed him blah blah blah. Quite frankly I could not give a shit. I know how that makes me sound but honestly I'm so over the wanker.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 07-Mar-13 23:24:59

I agree with the others: it was well done, well deserved, and nothing foolish about it. If you had sent it to everyone in his address book...maybe that might possibly have made you look a little bit foolish (and perhaps not wink), but vindictiveness is not recommended. Your letter did not come across as vindictive at all.

You sound emotionally detached from the repetitive drill he has put you through. I am glad for you that you have found the point of "enough is enough" and are planning an exit.

Adversecamber Thu 07-Mar-13 23:25:29

I think your email is brilliant, imagined them squirming.

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:26:28

Oh Stunt - he hasn't got the balls to mess with me now, honestly. I'll open that front door wide open if he starts ranting and keep my mobile on me so I can dial 999. He's all bark no bite - if I keep my cool, I'll be fine but thank you for worrying for me.

MorrisZapp Thu 07-Mar-13 23:27:53

I'm in team Toby. Sorry.

Why can't you sort this out with your husband? This other employee is absolutely going to think you are fruitloops.

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:29:53

I guess I am emotionally detached. I feel angry so I thought I wasn't detached enough. When I found the emails earlier today (after I found the adultwork stuff), I lay on the sofa and tried to cry but nothing came out. I'm just so tired. So very exhausted with trying to fix things in the face of this relentless shit.

I guess I sent the email so that I could know that it would really be over. Come to think of it, the only thing I want to discuss with him is how to make sure the end of our marriage doesn't unduly affect the children. I don't want to discuss emails/texts/porn/abuse ever again with that man. It's pointless....just like him. Wanker.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

signorapacino Thu 07-Mar-13 23:31:37

Foolish???? No, on the contrary I think it was well put and you're pretty bloody marvellous! Should I ever find myself in this situation I be sure to pm you to proof read my own email wink. Joking aside good luck with the future. X

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:33:14

Team Toby love it! Morris - I really can't sort this out with him. he's an accomplished liar and I just can't deal with that level of denial. I know I shouldn't have involved her, really I do. But I've just dealt with so many of these "friendships" and I almost always end up backing down because there's no proof of anything other than overstepping some invisible boundary of decency. I just wanted her to know that (a) he's married and (b) he's a lying shit. I guess she might think I'm bonkers but rather that than he continues to con her that he's actually interested in her as a woman rather than a vagina with legs.

KatieMiddleton Thu 07-Mar-13 23:34:22

I'm with Toby too. Sorry.

katb1973 Thu 07-Mar-13 23:34:43

Brilliant!!! You are strong, brave and a bit of an inspiration. You've ended it now....just make sure you don't go back! Silently cheering for you. Stay safe!

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:35:34

Yup Scottish I think she is sad That's the worst thing for me, the absolute worst. he's done this in the past and in fact one poor cow thought he was single and living in a houseshare - he carried that one on for over a year although he swears it was never physical. I just could not let that happen again. I always wish I'd told that woman who he really was but I was a gutless spineless coward .... but now I'm bonkers so hey - it's all evened out!

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:37:21

Et tu Katie ...

No I know how it looks - that's why I posted because I knew I'd get some objective views and I needed to know so that I could put a full stop under the whole thing. I've done it now - I don't regret it but I don't need to do anymore. here's my line


RobotHamster Thu 07-Mar-13 23:42:09

Well done you smile

TobyLerone Thu 07-Mar-13 23:43:25

Eek! I wasn't trying to start a team blush

ParanoidPrue Thu 07-Mar-13 23:46:01

Too late Toby grin

Thank you so much you 'orrible lot - that's why I love MN, I lurk for ages and then post at some gut-wrenchingly shit point of my life and feel uplifted enough to carry on til the next day thanks

I'm going to go to bed now and await the inevitable kick off. Who knows - H may surprise me by apologising....unlikely but I can dream.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flojobunny Thu 07-Mar-13 23:53:15

Good night and stay strong. The anger will subside but don't ever doubt yourself. You did the right thing.

KatieMiddleton Thu 07-Mar-13 23:53:54

Good you've drawn a line and it sounds like he needs to go so hope that goes smoothly tomorrow. Hope you have some bin bags for his things grin

MorrisZapp Thu 07-Mar-13 23:59:37

Sleep tight and stay strong. Team Toby backing you all the way, hope tomorrow isn't too grim. You'll cope, the worst is over now x

almostanotherday Fri 08-Mar-13 00:00:49

Night Prue

chipmonkey Fri 08-Mar-13 00:02:31

Well done, Prue! thanks

jynier Fri 08-Mar-13 00:02:39

PP - Go, girl, and don't waver!!! Good luck!

StuntGirl Fri 08-Mar-13 00:05:25

I hope you don't think I'm being horribly patronising or anything OP! I just hate to think what these scumbag bastards are capable of. You sound very confident and in control, I'm sure you'll have everything in hand tomorrow. Wishing you lots of strength for the morning thanks

NoTimeForS Fri 08-Mar-13 00:07:28

I have done the same in the past.
I did regret it but only in the way that afterwards I realised I shouldn't have even wasted that bit of time and effort in trying to shame him. I ought to have just detached completely and moved on.

But, I did that next - and you can too and it will be great, trust me. smile
I have never put up with that sort of crap again and I never will. You don't have to! flowers

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 07:35:02

Thank you for all your lovely messages last night more thanks for all

Rather anticlimactically, it appears H had not yet checked his emails. No sign of a reply from her. I'm leaning towards possibly deleting my message from his inbox to minimise the personal fallout but that does feel like chickening out - I feel like I should face the music and deal with whatever I did and all it's consequences come what may.

Anger has been replaced by fear it seems confused

TobyLerone Fri 08-Mar-13 07:40:31

But you felt so good about it last night!

Doha Fri 08-Mar-13 07:44:12

No please leave it alone. Use today to get things sorted in your head, a back up plan and some RL support for when he reads the email.
If you back out you will regret it later. I am sure the oW will fully discuss the contents of it anyway.

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 07:56:13

I know - I can't believe I'm veering towards Team Toby, how fickle can a person be grin

I think I will take Doha's very wise advice and just carry on as I planned - I have a couple of meetings re possible work today so will gird my loins and put this whole sorry mess out of my mind for now.

cubedmelon Fri 08-Mar-13 08:04:09

I think your email to h and colleague was well worded and didn't make you sound crazy at all.

Is it possible your h has seen it but is not mentioning it? I dont know why he wouldnt mention it but maybe he's hoping it will be brushed under the carpet?

TobyLerone Fri 08-Mar-13 08:15:38

I wish you the best of luck on behalf of my entire team grin

sarahjaye Fri 08-Mar-13 08:18:44

I would have written and sent exactly the same email. Well done!

almostanotherday Fri 08-Mar-13 08:29:10

Pack your bags or change the house locks too, just so he knows that this time you mean it, you are worth alot more as a person than your DH seems to treat you like.

Rushed post need to go school smile

FancyPuffin Fri 08-Mar-13 08:36:58

He sounds like an utter twat.

Hope that this really is the final straw for you.

pictish Fri 08-Mar-13 08:38:18

Looks like a good email to me. Wishing love and strength to finish things with him cleanly.

WinkyWinkola Fri 08-Mar-13 08:47:28

Hold on, he's the liar. He's the cheater. Surely he's the bonkers one?

All the op has done is highlight this in an email and said it is the end.

She hasn't said anything bunny boiler at all.

Good for you, op. Liars, cheats and bullies depend on people keeping schtum and not saying anything for fear of looking stupid or mad.

They are stupid and mad.

I hope he fucks off soon. What a creepy guy.

AnyFucker Fri 08-Mar-13 08:51:49

You sound fabulous

What I wish for you is that this communication really DOES signify the end for you

The only stupid course of action here is if you fall for the inevitable flannel and take him back yet again

Don't worry about her...she has some lessons of her own to learn, and you have provided an important one for her

oldwomaninashoe Fri 08-Mar-13 09:22:34

You have been far more dignified and restrained than Vicky Pryce (now that was bonkers!!!!)

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 09:27:24

I think it's brilliant! Well done. I hope he just quietly collects his things and slinks off to a cardboard box in the middle of the road, eating gravel for breakfast.

Good luck with your meetings.

Sailormercury Fri 08-Mar-13 09:33:41

I love your message! How very classy, composed and articulate. Very well done flowers. He can fuck off to the farthest side of fuck.

Mintyy Fri 08-Mar-13 09:36:55

Its a good email - I only wish you hadn't described yourself as the "poor pathetic wife" because you sound anything but! Hope it goes well for you today Prue.

Sailormercury Fri 08-Mar-13 09:43:43

Yes I agree with Mintyy. You are not in the least bit pathetic. ParanoidPrue for the win!

pictish Fri 08-Mar-13 09:46:36

He's is soooo ditched by his 'pen pal' btw. Or at least if she has even one iota of intelligence, he is.
A penchant for single mothers. I'd be fuming if I were her.

Good work. grin

whimsicalmess Fri 08-Mar-13 09:48:24

Paranoid don't feel bad at all, I very much doubt she had no idea what was going, well she might but I'd be very, very surprised if they work together.

Well done, hope it all works out, I don't think you sound bonkers btw.

Flumpyflumps Fri 08-Mar-13 09:55:44

That is absolutely brilliant! Well done you and hope it works out.

Still no reply from her? Do you think they are getting their stories straight before coming back to you?
Either way don't be tempted to accept any 'innocent' explanations.

Good luck

whimsicalmess Fri 08-Mar-13 09:58:57

Oh no don't back out now!
could he have read it but is still silently reeling in shock?

distract yourself , DO NOT BACK OUT NOW!STAY STRONG!

almostanotherday Fri 08-Mar-13 10:05:43

Just remember, you are bigger, better and stronger than he thinks you are so show him that and he is the one so very very much in the wrong not you and don't let him tell you otherwise x

No it was brilliant !! Well done for warning her.

Now time to send him an email telling him to move out or whatever you want him to do, time for action against him

Have to been to a solicitors ? Do you want to stay in the house ? Don't hide from him or minimise what he's done it's time to get angry and get him out of your life

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JC67 Fri 08-Mar-13 10:34:23

Yes, I'm another one voting for Team Don't Back Out Now! Ask yourself whether you've been living the life you want to live with him. Can you take years more lies?

All that energy that you've used on him could be used to make your life fabulous and that is the best revenge.

well done. really well done.

i wouldn't worry about her - she'll thank you for showing him up to be the wanker her is.

take care of yourself now.

Pancakeflipper Fri 08-Mar-13 10:43:17

I am in team sitting on the fence in a indecisive manner.

But I wish you lots of strength and happier future without him. You rock regardless of what emails you sent

Not foolish at all. Good luck!

elly67jo Fri 08-Mar-13 10:48:37

Your e mail did not make you look bonkers. It's fab. Now boot him in to touch as you deserve better. Good luck.

BalloonSlayer Fri 08-Mar-13 10:55:58

"it appears H had not yet checked his emails."

or he has read them, then marked them all as "unread" so you will think that, thus buying himself time and winding you up further.

CockyPants Fri 08-Mar-13 11:06:45

Don't you dare delete it!
You are not bonkers!
Your soon to be ex H is a cunt!
Why not direct him to this thread?
Good on you for having the balls to do this, and here's to your future happiness!

Ahhhcrap Fri 08-Mar-13 11:25:47

Wow well done you!! Wish us had the strength to do something similar with my DH!

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 11:42:50

Thank you all so much. You're all giving me strength (even the ones who think I'm bonkers!). Off to my second meeting soon - I'm feeling quite shaky, as if I want to cry but bastard tears won't come.

I'm pretty sure H hasn't received the email and he won't get another chance to until tonight/tomorrow morning. No reply from her - not sure that she'd call him but in any event I'm trying not to dwell on what his reaction will be. Trying being the operative word!

TippiShagpile Fri 08-Mar-13 11:49:47

Will she call/text him to tell him about the email when she sees it?

I think you were right to send it and right to carry on with it. You sound Over Him which is a good place to be after the way he has treated you.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

targaryen24 Fri 08-Mar-13 11:55:00

I know this isn't a nice subject & you must've had it up to the gills by now with that cocklodger but I just wanted to say that this thread is inspiring...We'd all like to think we'd leave under such circumstances but it's not easy & you've done an amazing job of starting 'the end' whilst managing to stay on top.

Kick ass grin thanks

SonOfAradia Fri 08-Mar-13 11:56:31

Prue, I think your email is utterly fucking brilliant and not even remotely deranged. You sound like a fabulous woman who deserves so much better than the prick you're booting out the door.

Good luck with it all. Rooting for you.

almostanotherday Fri 08-Mar-13 11:57:40

Pack your stuff and go some where else for a nice weekend away from him and leave a note to say check your emails smile

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 12:23:22

Your E mail was fabulous.

I think there is still a hangover from the bad old days that women's anger is unseemly and should be discouraged. So we still see righteously angry women being described as 'loons', 'bunny boilers' 'bitter' or 'bonkers' when male cuckolds are expected to get angry and only attract scorn and pejorative comment if they act in the 'dignified' way that people are always pressing on women.

Controlled anger is contempt and your E mail oozed it. But as others have said, make sure it counts this time.

Maryz Fri 08-Mar-13 12:32:58

Oh dear. Can I sit on the fence in a voyeuristic way?

I'm sort of team Toby in that it does sound bonkers, but on the other hand if he is intending more than an exchange of emails this will make him (and her) think.

Does she know he is married by the way?

I do think it's a shame you are wibbling now, though. These things may be bonkers, but once done you have to carry them through. So best of luck smile

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 08-Mar-13 12:38:26

Not bonkers. Bonkers would have been sending a ranting bile filled email, cutting up all his clothes and cooking his pet rabbit.

LimeSandwich Fri 08-Mar-13 12:50:03

I agree with Charbon. Fabulous email.

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 12:51:01

I feel like such a fraud reading these lovely posts - I'm not at all a strong person - in fact I'm rather weak and pathetic in the face of H's strong denials and protestations of love. I'm good on paper you see but absolutely useless in real life sad

I am hopeful that I'll find the will to see this through - part of that was the decision to send the email. I knew it would cause a kick off of some sort no matter how justified I was (or not!). I don't think H will ever accept that his actions led to the end of our marriage - after all, in this case there was no physical contact and nothing beyond slightly flirtatious emails/phonecalls. I've forgiven far worse in the past so according to him, this will be a trivial matter to go so nuclear about.

It's not about him though - it's about me. I'm exhausted with dealing with the constant lies, the broken promises, the aftermath of these situations where he's overstepped the boundaries - with our babysitter, with our son's nursery nurse, with numerous colleagues where some situations have led to him needing to raise grievances when they adopt the woman scorned approach. I'm tired of cleaning up his dirty work - why does he get to behave badly and I simply have to excel at brushing everything under the carpet?

Oh well - I guess I'm still angry! In answer to your question Maryz - no I don't think she knows he's married. There was no mention of wife and children in the email exchange which I found odd since they were discussing plans for the weekend etc. anyway, she knows now! And no, I don't mind you being voyeuristic - 'tis the nature of MN after all.

Right - off to my meeting now (after I've squeezed my ampleness into a pre-third baby suit!). Thank you all for your continued support and I will endeavour to update you when I can thanks

Does she know he is married by the way?

She does now grin

SonOfAradia Fri 08-Mar-13 12:55:27

I've forgiven far worse in the past so according to him, this will be a trivial matter to go so nuclear about.

There is a reason for the phrase "the straw that broke the camel's back". It's the culmination of crap over the years that's done it, for you. If he's such a dick that he can't see the possibility of that, then he's no proper person at all.

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 13:03:48

It doesn't matter if this looks like a trivial matter to him, compared with his worst excesses. The cumulative effect of it all is not trivial to you and that's all that matters.

Have you thought how ridiculous that position would sound if he said it?

i.e. I've done far worse loads of times and you've put up with those. Why aren't you prepared to put up with this minor bit of cheating?

Please let this be your line in the sand. Your life will be a continual series of mopping up his messes if you don't get out.

WinkyWinkola Fri 08-Mar-13 13:42:04

I'm amazed at those posters who think the op's email was in any way mad.

She has been massively wronged for the umpteenth time by a creep of outrageous proportions.

I think her positively restrained, given the circumstances.

If more of us were prepared to point things out as eloquently as she, then I think more of us would be happier for it.

Don't hold back, I say.

almostanotherday Fri 08-Mar-13 13:47:11

You ARE a strong person, you were strong enough to deal with all the crap your arsehole H has given you over the years and now you ARE now strong enough to not be dealing with his shitty behaviour anymore, no one deserves to be treat the way he has treated you, you are worth so much more please believe in yourself and just imagine how less stressful and happier your life would be without him fucking it up for you.

something2say Fri 08-Mar-13 13:51:59

No more self put downs! That is what I read. You are not pathetic, fat etc. x

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 13:54:11

I really do think it's sexism Winky. There is still societal discomfort with women's anger and their right to express it. Women are constantly bombarded with messages to be dignified, calm and non-reactive. Even the language is interesting. Anger in women is often described as hysteria, because it's a derivative from the word for womb. There are entirely different words for - and expectations of - men's anger, especially in this particular situation. It's still tolerated and even expected that men will be violent or threaten to be towards OM and many men suffer derision from some other men and women if they express their anger differently or not at all. There are different standards applied to women.

WinkyWinkola Fri 08-Mar-13 13:58:10

I think you're right, Charbon.

BeCool Fri 08-Mar-13 14:02:03

STICK TO THE PLAN PRUE! Stick to the plan!

Detachment is your friend - I think it's such a fantastic asset to you and it shows you are beyond caring, beyond trying to make something unworkable work. You are moving to (if not already in) a place of acceptance of the actual reality of the situation (despite what P might say/claim/plead/argue), and detaching from him gives you a calmness to move forward with a new purpose.

Just read this whole thread and think you are being very brave OP, I cannot believe how calm and collected you sounded in the email when I know you must have been fuming/devastated.

I really hope the bastard realises the buck stops here.

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 14:37:31

Prue, of course you're a stong person in rl. It's just that you have been wasting your strength on living with a twunt of the first order and trying to pretend it's OK. Now that you don't have to pretend any more...... Well, I think the world had better watch out! grin

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 08-Mar-13 16:01:37

poor pathetic wife
someone as lowly as a wife

My first impression of the self-depreciating remarks was to cringe a bit and say please don't put yourself down like that. However, after thinking about it for a while, in the context of the whole letter, it is really just dripping sarcasm. (Extra credit points!! grin)

PP, I hope you know the concept of lip service (Not the TV show set in Glasgow, btw, not that anything is wrong with that). Because anything he is going to say will be pure lip service to keep you reeled in as his domestic appliance.

Regardless of the, lets say, intensity of his encounter,
you just can not believe him anymore (or believe in him anymore), right? Right. So to anything he says to you for justification, excuse, etc...consider saying this:

"I am done here; tell it to the next one." Find a comment to repeat to him ad infinitum, to stonewall any discussion, because all discussion is now over, isn't it? It is. Stay strong and to your purpose, which at present doesn't include him.

(Your letter was so brilliant, though, I blush at presuming to tell you what to say!)

MummyPig24 Fri 08-Mar-13 17:30:01

Wow op, you are one brave lady. Go you!

Skyebluesapphire Fri 08-Mar-13 17:38:02

wow, well done you.

kinkyfuckery Fri 08-Mar-13 18:18:22

Wow OP, extremely self-controlled. You're a better lady than me wink

We are here for you when you need us.

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 20:11:32

Non eventful update - H continues to show no interest in checking his emails and still no reply from lady friend. I'm a bit stumped to be honest.

targaryen24 Fri 08-Mar-13 20:13:07

Always the way! Can't you just tel him to leave anyway? And that he should check his emails asap...

targaryen24 Fri 08-Mar-13 20:13:14

* tell

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 20:19:23

I'm setting all my stuff up to leave (again!) anyway Targaryen so I'm not bothered if he stays or goes. Unless he kicks off in which case all bets are off.

I guess I just find it weird that she didn't reply. There was lots of references to daily convos and plenty of follow up emails about how "awesome" (Bleeurgh) the other was after each call. I'm just a bit mystified that they'd choose not to contact each other by phone or email on the day they both receive a message from me.

Perhaps there was more to it than I originally thought.

elfycat Fri 08-Mar-13 20:43:53

They've talked by different phone lines and set up new personal hotmail accounts?

A change of behaviour now means they have read it and changed. Not stopped. Don't let him cover his tracks and then persuade you that you are wrong. If he act all injured/upset over anything that's a 99% probability of guilt.

Xales Fri 08-Mar-13 20:44:47

Seems strange they have gone to zero contact are you sure he is at work today? He hasn't taken a sickie/secret days leave and is with her?

Xales Fri 08-Mar-13 20:45:39

For exactly what elfycat says!

elfycat Fri 08-Mar-13 20:46:01

OH BTW I think the message was a bit bonkers but in a good and inspiring way!

Xales Fri 08-Mar-13 20:46:31

For = or

kinkyfuckery Fri 08-Mar-13 20:46:54

Is he home from work yet today?

SugarPasteGreyhound Fri 08-Mar-13 20:47:09

Good for you! Your email was very articulate. FWIW I interpreted the poor wife, etc as being ironic, which made it all the more powerful as you clearly aren't pathetic at all smile

Well done. Stay strong and leave him.

My ExH was just like yours, serial cheat, he often claimed the series of girls he spoke to were 'just good friends' hmm He admitted after separation much further down the line that that wasn't always the case and he always had ulterior motives for more with each of them. But all the friendships were inappropriate, overly familiar and secretive. The final one I caught him out on was a full blown physical affair though, but he denied it at the time.

He was so good at gaslighting me, he always had me questioning myself and thinking that I was unreasonable.

He spent money we didn't have, had a porn addiction, it was like living with a man child. I never slept well tbh until the day I left. With the help and support of mumsnet (under my old username) I divorced the arse. Massive step at the time but 3 years on I'm so glad I did it.

ParanoidPrue Fri 08-Mar-13 21:57:09

Another update so as not to be one of those annoying disappearing posters grin

he's been home for a while - I'm pretty sure he hasn't checked his email as he hasn't been on the laptop and doesn't do it anywhere else so far as I know. He's asleep now. Still no reply from her - in answer to the questions (sorry I'm too lazy to scroll up and namecheck blush - yes, I'm sure he was at work today, he travels for work and I spoke to him a couple of times during the day about kid related stuff and no I don't think there's any chance they could have met - she's in a different country far far away and finally yes, I was being ironic with the poor pathetic wife stuff although anyone who knows me would say I was pretty self-deprecating as some of you picked up on.

by the way, I should say that I'm LOVING the side chat about the feminist angle on angry women - I recognise the conditioning that's almost innate which leads me to doubt my anger and the way I express it. Only on MN could one bonkers email lead to such high-brow discussion wink

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 22:25:25

I don't think you'll get a reply from her. If I were her I'd have jumped in a hole and pulled the earth down on top of me. Or I might want to wait until I actually see him face to face.

He, on the other hand, could well be playing games with you. How was he before he went off to bed?

He could be waiting for you to say something, you see. He could be thinking that you've scuppered his fun with that one, but there are plenty more around, and that if he doesn't refer to it at all then it can all get pushed under the rug for another little while at least until you bring it up.

So if you want some resolution, then I think you're going to have to tackle him, at least tell him to check his mail.

Cherriesarelovely Fri 08-Mar-13 23:03:30

Only just seen your thread OP but just wanted to say, bloody good for you. I cannot see anything remotely bonkers about your email. Why shouldn't you tell it how it is??? Cannot understand anyone saying otherwise.

I've had a tough time with relationships lately (not my DP who is gorgeous but so called friends ) and after a year of being conciliatory and trying to constantly maintain a dignified silence I finally decided to differentiate myself from a doormat and speak my mind! It felt good and I don't regret it. Why should we be walked all over?

Good luck OP, I salute you!

Maryz Fri 08-Mar-13 23:08:56

I don't believe he hasn't seen it.

This is more controlling behaviour. And I've just got off the fence <pulls out splinters> and decided that your email was excellent. Well done. Now he knows where he stands.

Hopefully she is running for the hills.

He won't be able to keep his mouth shut for long. I expect mid-morning tomorrow he will give in and admit he saw it. He will then try to blame you for causing trouble with a work colleague. Fucker.

WinkyWinkola Fri 08-Mar-13 23:20:52

Your email was not bonkers. At all

It was merely an "I know what you're doing. I know what you are. I want you to know I know. I also want you to know that I think you are scum."

That's not bonkers. That's just the ticket.

ValerieJones Fri 08-Mar-13 23:23:05

I think you were far more restrained than I would have been.

Stay strong

almostanotherday Fri 08-Mar-13 23:33:33

Stay strong and remember you are way better than him and its all his fault not yours no matter what kind of twist he try's to put on it.

jynier Fri 08-Mar-13 23:42:55

Paranoid Prue - I have just seen your thread.

I don't just like the email which you sent - I B****Y LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! Well done, you!!! I bet that they've both seen it!

Best wishes

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 09-Mar-13 00:01:53

I think they've seen your e-mail. I can understand why you sent it but I think it would have been better left in 'draft' and not sent, purely because 1) they have something else to pull them together, ie. mutual clinging together following your 'rant' and 2) they've seen your 'cards'. I didn't 'get' the sarcasm in your e-mail; she/he might not have either, it really is down to interpretation and the 'relationships' board is generally pre-disposed to LTB vibes anyway.

You're self-doubting now. I think that you should just shrug off the fact that your husband's not acknowledging the e-mail. I agree that it's tactical. Don't let him wrong-foot you again - and don't send any more e-mails to the OW either.

I'm glad this will soon be over for you, it sounds very miserable and you're bound to be better off without this in your life. You deserve much better.

PopeBenedictsP45 Sat 09-Mar-13 01:47:27

Just found this thread. You rock, OP. You sound like one cool customer. Even if you're not feeling it. Wish I was as articulate and restrained when angry. You didn't even use any exclamation points!

MidnightMasquerader Sat 09-Mar-13 05:23:41

The totally rational, reasonable thing to do would've been to not send the email, but you know what? Life is short. Sometimes doing the wrong thing just feels so good. And it's good to feel good when everything else is a bit shit.

Well done, I say. I'm Team WinkyCharbon. wink

FellNel Sat 09-Mar-13 05:28:27

I think it was fantastic. I love the way you have confronted them together in the same email. You sounded calm, determined and dignified. I applaud you, and I wish you strength to get through the next really tough bit, and happiness coming out the other side of it all. Well done you.

I wondered whether he went to bed supposedly early to text her instead in secret. Can he reply to e-mails on his phone?

I also think he knows, I'd be extremely surprised if the ow didn't text or call him as soon as she read your e-mail.

Is his phone passworded? Does he take it with him whenever he leaves the room?

You need to tackle this and talk to him. Don't loose your momentum x

PureedGoodness Sat 09-Mar-13 07:00:31

Just read this thread. Love the email u sent him. I bet they have both seen it and have discussed with each other. He is obviously waiting for you to bring it up.....

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 09-Mar-13 07:21:39

What will you do if he never mentions it?

That is a brilliant email, well done OP grin
I'm on the fence about whether he's read it, but I do think that she won't reply to you at all, so don't think you should be waiting for that.
All the best, hope you find the strength to follow through with your plans soon thanks

ParanoidPrue Sat 09-Mar-13 07:31:02

He knows. He changed his passwords on his email and Facebook. He did that at 4am this morning. He's said nothing and I've received no reply from her.

In answer to the question What will I do if he doesn't raise it (sorry I can't scroll up am on phone) - absolutely nothing. I have no interest in discussing this with him. I've said my piece he knows I know. I'm going to try to maintain a semi dignified silence from now until I leave. Even after that.

This incident is of no significance on its own - my reaction was the key thing. I wanted him to know I'm no fool an he's an arse. Even if he doesn't believe he's an arse, he knows I think he's one!

That's not to say I didn't secretly hope he would hang his head in shame upon reading my message and beg my forgiveness. The face that he hasn't has told me all I need to know about who he is as a person, let alone a husband and partner of nearly 15 years.

So ladies (and any lurking gentlemen!) my work is done here. I guess I will let this thread die a death but thank you for all your wonderful words of kindness and for convincing me that sometimes its okay to be a bit bonkers when the situation demands it thanks

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 09-Mar-13 07:34:46

Not bonkers at all. You were able to have your say. I wish you well for your new life!

sarahjaye Sat 09-Mar-13 07:38:36

Good luck, you sound like a remarkable person. You deserve a really good future...

TippiShagpile Sat 09-Mar-13 07:41:17

Good luck Prue - you are amazing.

I suspect he's fucking with your head (again) by not mentioning the email and will try to carry on as normal. Keep it together and get out as soon as you can.

Keep strong.


givemeaclue Sat 09-Mar-13 07:44:01


Huge respect and good luck

sallyfromthealley Sat 09-Mar-13 07:44:49

I bet she doesn't take any notice of what you have said. They are obviously at the exciting secretive stage and will go for it anyway. She will think she is different from all the rest (poor cow.)

Honeysucklerose Sat 09-Mar-13 07:45:49

Read it thought it is bloody marvellous you are an inspiration to the thousands of woman who have been cheated on not once but twice myself included I applaude your courage and do hope your life gets better and you can come out smiling

kittybiscuits Sat 09-Mar-13 07:49:28

Hi Prue...I am inspired by your direct action. Good for you. I bet he is really angry. If his main concern is to secure his email in order to continue his shenanigans, then Em is one lucky lady. Hopefully she will take him off your hands. If he doesn't even mention this to you, then his treatment of you is beyond contempt. Please ditch this loser. Now, I feel an email coming on....

ELR Sat 09-Mar-13 07:58:18

Pru good luck. I think you summed it up well in saying he knows you know! And knows you think he's an arse! Maintaining a dignified silence is indeed dignified, try to keep it up xxx

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Sat 09-Mar-13 08:00:01

OP I think I love you blush
What an incredible display of strength, well done. I wish you all the very best in the future. You sound truly wonderful thanks

TobyLerone Sat 09-Mar-13 08:10:09

What a complete knob he is. I hope his willy falls off.

Just another one adding my support here.
Well played.

This may already have been mentioned, but can i ask why you're the one who's leaving rather than kicking his arse out the door?

SanityClause Sat 09-Mar-13 08:16:54

Why do you have to leave, though? Why shouldn't he?

If you didn't have children, I would say to leave, but it seems unfair on them to have the upheaval of leaving their home?

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

(Also in Team WinkyCharbon, incidentally)

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 09-Mar-13 08:31:32

Another de cloaking to wish you all the very best for you hopefully dazzling new future.

thepixiefrog Sat 09-Mar-13 08:35:27

All the best pru, you are an inspiration!

MinnieBar Sat 09-Mar-13 08:41:53

Yes, why are you leaving rather than kicking this waste of space out??

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 09-Mar-13 08:43:04

Wow, you are absolutely amazing and I think I might love you!

Diagonally Sat 09-Mar-13 08:50:18

Snakes in the grass often roll over and play dead when confronted with something stronger than themselves.

Really important for you to take action during his "dead" phase because he will be relying on you not doing so, and biding his time until he perceives a chink in your armour - illness or similar vulnerable moment when he can try to convince you that you still need him.

Good luck Prue!

Very proud of you OP, have been following... I can understand why you would want to up sticks and leave, but as another poster said you are well within your rights to stay in the house and ask him to leave, especially if you want to maintain a degree of stability for the children.

I realise you probably want to avoid a confrontation with him, but you could simply pack up his things and leave them on the doorstep - always a good move when it comes to serial cheaters who are good at blah going their way out of any situation!

Blatherskite Sat 09-Mar-13 08:54:22

I think your email was brilliant and has done everyone a favour - him because he now knows you know and you won't be putting up with it any more, her because now she knows what she's getting involved with and you because you can't back down now.

I hope the split goes as smoothly as it can for you.

AgathaF Sat 09-Mar-13 08:55:56

Wow. I've been following this but not posted. Fantastic email. He's one cold customer though, to not even comment on it.

Good luck in your new life without him. When does it start?

Hugglepuff Sat 09-Mar-13 08:59:43

That was brilliantly articulate !
Don't worry about the other girl - in the long run she will probably be relieved to be pre - warned about what sort of person H is

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Mar-13 09:05:55

I don't think you came across as bonkers. I think too often people say nothing, well done you for having your say. I hope you find a happy new life soon.

Please come back to this thread if you need support Pru x

Good luck in your new, and definately improved, life! You're better off without him

almostanotherday Sat 09-Mar-13 09:46:13

So proud of you Prue and good luck for the rest of your new and improved future without being a door mat smile

xigris Sat 09-Mar-13 09:53:53

Brilliant. Just brilliant. Well done! smile

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 10:21:54

I would say:
"We have split up now, so you'd better start thinking about where you're going to live."

xigris Sat 09-Mar-13 10:45:50

I'm going to put you as my lady crush in the active thread on that subject. thanks

Maryz Sat 09-Mar-13 11:42:43

I wish you all the very best.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sat 09-Mar-13 12:20:24

Don't move out Prue, it's not fair on you or your children. Well done on a brilliant email and I wish you all the best for your future, you derserve to be happy and cocklodger-free!

CookieLady Sat 09-Mar-13 13:45:46

Prue, all the best for the future.

MissLurkalot Sat 09-Mar-13 16:13:11

You had me at 'Hello!' grin
You like everyone has said, please come back if you need us.
You go girl!!!

Jux Sat 09-Mar-13 20:48:53

Prue, have a wonderful life; I don't know why you are leaving instead of kicking him out, but I think you are a remarkable woman and have your own reasons.

I too hope his willy falls off.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 09-Mar-13 21:01:54

Really brilliant email!! Good luck pru xx

LittleEdie Sun 10-Mar-13 00:33:14

Good luck x

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 10-Mar-13 00:54:11

Another one adding good luck and stay strong vibes

Another one for willy falling off

I think you're being great, don't engage with him just get your self to a solicitors and see what you can do from there.

Also he may not be acknowledging it because if you divorce she might be named ? Not sure if this is the case but if he admits it basically you can say its fault (disclaimer I know nothing about divorce having never been married but was just a thought)

I have had fantastic advice from the legal board if you need any quick advice post a thread there

Go prue !

Well done OP, another one here for willy falling off...

Best of luck for the future thanks

WinkyWinkola Sun 10-Mar-13 21:31:34

You've got more balls than he does. Sneaking around behind your back.

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