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Please help, no idea what to do :(

(83 Posts)

A couple of weeks ago I found out - concrete, irrefutable proof found out - that a close friend of mine has been cheating on his wife, regularly sleeping with someone else. He told me that she had some issues in her past that meant she didn't ever want sex and that that part of their relationship was over several years ago. He begged me not to tell her, saying that it was just for sex and he loved her but it was the one part of their relationship missing, blah.

I found out this evening that she's pregnant. Which means the "it's just because we don't have that part in our relationship" was utter bollocks. I feel sick (she is a friend too, though I don't know her as well). I want to call him and have it out with him right now but I know I can't. I'm seeing him tomorrow on a work-related thing and don't think I'll even be able to look at him.

Someone please help me, I don't know what to do sad part of me thinks she should know, because he's done this before and will certainly continue if I don't say something, but I honestly don't know what's for the best sad can someone please tell me what to do? Because I could just weep for her sad

Vinnyinny Thu 07-Mar-13 18:53:30

Hi, sorry to hear you are in this tricky situation. I don't think you can keep this information from her. For a start, he could be putting her sexual health at risk, and therefore the baby's health. He doesn't deserve protection, and she has a right to know. I completely understand how difficult this is for you, but telling her is the best thing for her, and her baby. Important decisions may be made off the back of this information, and I wouldn't want to be the one standing in the way of that hmm

It'll kill her sad

elly67jo Thu 07-Mar-13 18:56:16

My best friend has been having an affair for near on 2 years with another friend/former colleague of ours. My family and hers socialise frequently and have been on holiday together. I like her dh although he does give her a hard time and she has her reasons for cheating. Is difficult position to be in but do you really want to be the one spilling the beans-you don't know what the fallout could be, are there children? Give him hell but I wouldn't be the one to tell all.

Vinnyinny Thu 07-Mar-13 18:59:15

I know. She needs to know who she is married to, and who she is potentially co-parenting with. Do they have other children? There is no easy way for you here, and there is a fair bit at stake, including your friendship, but I think telling her is your only real option. Or making sure that he does. Soon. Is that an option?

I can talk to him about it tomorrow but he may just shut down. So DC except this one...

*No DC

This is horrible, sorry, I'm a bit of a mess about it

Anyone else care to weigh in?

Carolra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:20:43

Oh man this is tricky. I'm not sure I'd want to know if DH was having an affair... Or maybe I would. I think your first port of call is to talk to him... He's not been honest with you and you're supposed to be friends. These things almost always get out one way or another, and when she finds out, which she will, how would you feel about her knowing you knew but didn't say anything??

cupcake78 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:25:52

I think I'd talk to him and basically put the fear of god in him! Tell him you know what he said was a load of rubbish that you are considering tell your friend and if he doesn't stop you most definitely will (if you any way of knowing this).

You know your friend, would she want to know? Some people would rather not, she may not believe you, she may be very annoyed with you, she may believe him over you.

If he is a serial cheater I'd tell her or I'd have to walk away from the friendship and if your friend asks you why tell her to ask her dh!

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:26:49

People tend to shoot the messenger, you are in a horrible situation. Im not sure what you can do though. The sexual health thing is a worry but whats done is done so it wont make a difference, or would it? Are you close enough to this guy to tell him what you really think?

I don't know. I don't think she would be surprised but I do think shed be heartbroken. I think I'll talk to him tomorrow and see what he says...

kinkyfuckery Thu 07-Mar-13 19:29:56

I'm unclear - who is pregnant? The wife or the OW?

The wife, kinky.

CalamityJan Thu 07-Mar-13 19:42:51

I would tell him he is a complete and utter bastard, for cheating, for making up lame and dishonest 'justifications', for putting his DW at risk of STI and for risking his baby in the same way.

Tell him that you are disgusted with him. That he needs to grow up, live his responsibilities and learn to be honest like a decent human being. Tell him that if his wife is ever suspicious and asks you, as knowing his work, if he has ever been unfaithful you absolutely will not lie.

But I don't think I would actually tel unless she asksl. She is not your sister, or your best closest friend, and it really isn;t your business to police other people's relationships. But as his 'friend' it is your business to tell him what you think.

I would probably retreat as his friend, because he has been dishonest and manipulative with you, spinning a tale to try and make you 'understand' his bastard behaviour. What a tosser!

dondon33 Thu 07-Mar-13 20:26:33

It's pointless to appeal to his conscience - he doesn't have one. He's lying to his wife and he's blatantly lied to you about the sex side of things.
I honestly believe if you think his wife should know it's going to have to be you that tells her sad
Not a position I'd like to find myself in.

dondon33 Thu 07-Mar-13 20:27:45

Calamity makes sense.

Saltpig Thu 07-Mar-13 20:37:13

Not a position I'd like to find myself in

No nor me. But of all the people you think your friend would 'want' to hear such fucking awful news from, who would it be?

That she does.

Saltpig that's the thing. I think he needs to tell her.

NoisesOff Thu 07-Mar-13 20:50:57

Sometimes couples who don't have sex use IVF. So there's a chance he's telling the truth about them not having sex. But there's also a big chance that he's a lying git. :-(

Concentrateonthegood Thu 07-Mar-13 20:53:27

OP, I feel for you. We're all different and I know for sure I wouldn't be able to tell her. But, I would talk to him and point out exactly what he is risking and tell him that others may know and he should come clean himself.

I had a bit of the same problem years ago. Boss at work having a fling with one of my staff. We were a small company and we all socialised regularly with our spouses so I knew his wife and I knew the ow's husband. I took my boss out to lunch and tried to have a chat with him but it was not easy and he just about told me to keep my nose out. The affair petered out of its own accord and as far as I know, his wife never found out.

Saltpig Thu 07-Mar-13 20:55:13

But he's crap isn't he?

He's a crap friend and a crap partner. Who owes him anything?

How did you find out his DP is pregnant btw?

Snazzynewyear Thu 07-Mar-13 21:00:07

If you tell him he has to tell her or you will, he will work out some way to discredit you before you get the chance. Then you will look like the loon friend. I would tell her yourself. You've said you don't think she will be surprised though she will be upset. I think later on she will respect you for being honest.

Saltpig because she's my friend too and just announced it. She's 3 months gone.

bodencatalogue Thu 07-Mar-13 22:29:08

Very difficult because you know them.

Doesn't alter my opinion that its none of your business. By getting involved you are appointing yourself a position in their relationship that you are not entitled to.

carlywurly Thu 07-Mar-13 22:35:00

What calamity said.
Shitty situation hmm

OrWellyAnn Thu 07-Mar-13 22:36:45

I am with those who say tell her. But I wonder if there is another way? Do you guys ever chill out alone and chat? Culd you bring up a mythical thread you 'read online' where the couple don't have sex with each other but the husband (or wife, if it feels less obvious) has permission to get their rocks off elsewhere.

If this really is their arrangement she might confide it, but if she vehemently argues that it's wrong, then you know he's lying and can consider telling her what you know.

dippymother Fri 08-Mar-13 07:42:24

Agree with Calamity. Other than that and maybe a bit childish, but an anonymous letter to the wife?

Netguru Fri 08-Mar-13 08:01:37

What if you tell her and she is forced to tell you the pregnancy is due to ivf?

Keep out. You could ruin three people's lives.

So I've spoken to him this morning. He says that they've had sex twice in the past year, but didn't use protection and that's how she's now pregnant. That he wasn't lying to me, that there's no physical intimacy there. I don't know what to think, he's a really good friend and I never envisioned having to deal with this...

Eurostar Fri 08-Mar-13 10:33:52

It's a really difficult one, I don't know if I would tell her or not, I think I probably would. I would certainly be bombarding him with email links about the dangers of STDs in pregnancy, I find that men are stunningly ignorant about the disabilities and miscarriages that can result from this.

Dahlen Fri 08-Mar-13 10:41:14

I would tell him that if he doesn't tell her, you will.

You may well lose your friendship with both of them over this, but too much is riding on this. Most importantly, the welfare of this woman's unborn child is dependent on the mother knowing. Not only in terms of missed STDs but should the mother decide she wants to call off the marriage completely, she may decide she doesn't want to be a single mother and have an abortion. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy and then finds out (and these things have a habit of coming out eventually) she could resent having the child and find your discretion a massive betrayal so reject your friendship anyway.

Under normal circumstances I would probably say nothing, but the fact the wife is pregnant changes everything.

CleopatrasAsp Fri 08-Mar-13 10:41:36

He lied last time so why would you believe him now? He's a skank. Please tell his poor wife, she deserves to know the truth, particularly now she is pregnant with his child. In all honesty I couldn't be friends with someone who behaved like this so I wouldn't worry about the friendship. Even if there are sexual problems in their relationship, surely he should be working on those not having sex with other people. If that was the answer then surely he would have his wife's permission - but of course he doesn't, which tells you everything.

Greensleeves Fri 08-Mar-13 10:46:39

I'd tell him he has one week to tell her, and if he didn't I would tell her myself

Even if she takes it out on you initially, she still needs to know. She should have the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to raise her baby with a selfish manchild.

CalamityJan Fri 08-Mar-13 11:51:51

I condemn his behaviour completely.
But it just isn't the OP's place to tell his wife.
Do those of you who tell also call the police every time you know of a friend speeding?
Or call HMRC every time you see someone pocket a receipt to use against a tax claim?
or pay cash to a window cleaner instead of a taxable, NI'd invoice?

I think we have to look carefully and make sure that we are genuinely acting out of loyalty and in the best interests of someone, or if we are being judemental, moralistic, or using power to create a furore.

His wife is either in blissful ignorance, or is choosing to turn a blind eye or will be suspicious and find out for herself.

OP - YOUR issue is that he is using you as his distorted sounding board and making up crap. He should sort out his marriage properley and honestly and not try and make it all about him (oh, poor me, no sex, poor me, baby on way...). React accrding to how you feel about how he is treating you and how you feel about his treatment of others. Beyond that, I don't think it is your business.

Put yourself in her shoes. What would you want?
Go from there.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 08-Mar-13 12:11:15

Your friend is so full of shit.

Sorry if I missed this info earlier but is he still seeing the OW?

If so I vote tell her.

practicality Fri 08-Mar-13 12:21:28

Does the OW know about the wife? Could you approach her because he is bound to have spun her some line....

Then tell him to sort out this mess and at least give his wife an informed choice or you will.

I don't think he is a friend worth keeping.

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 12:55:10

Chances are the OW will dump him once she knows he's been lying to her and is going to be a father, but unfortunately some women in her position will still continue an affair in a wife's pregnancy and believe an implausible story about sex happening only once or twice.

What people are saying about the health risks to an unborn child are spot on. Women aren't routinely tested in pregnancy unless they specifically ask for it.

If you're friends with his wife then you can probably find out a lot. It wouldn't be unusual to ask if they'd been trying for a long time or whether the pregnancy was unexpected and somewhat miraculous. I think this might be the way to go; find out a bit more information, see if the affair ends and then decide what to do.

Snazzynewyear Fri 08-Mar-13 12:58:24

"I don't think he is a friend worth keeping."

^^ This.

foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 13:00:11

I don't know what you should do.

I know if I was your friend's wife I would prefer to know...either because you managed to get him to tell me, or because you did it.

I did not live with this situation, but a different one where several people all joined in keeping some important truths from me (not together but as individuals deciding it was none of their business) their silence cost me a lot of pain and years. It would have been hard to hear, but it has been harder to live with the consequences and knowledge that they did nothing.

The OW knows, and has been told the same story as me "because it's the truth", apparently hmm

And she believed him, and so I should as well, apparently. Because I'm his friend, apparently. Ugh.

It wouldn't be unusual to ask if they'd been trying for a long time or whether the pregnancy was unexpected and somewhat miraculous.

That's an angle I could go down I suppose...

BrittaPerry Fri 08-Mar-13 14:59:04

From the STD angle, I was tested for everything in both pregnancies. I don't know if I somehow look like I might have an std or somethi. I also got pregnant both times from one unprotected sex per pregnancy.

Still doesn't mean you shoukd beleive him.

CleopatrasAsp Sat 09-Mar-13 00:24:17

CalamityJan those instances of wrongdoing are completely different and not really that comparable. However, in answer to your questions, I would shop someone who habitually drove at high speed because it is dangerous to other, innocent, people. I would be indifferent to the tax dodgers since nobody is at risk of being hurt or injured by someone not paying their tax - however immoral that may be.

I would tell the friend's wife not because I feel all moral about it but because she has a right to know that her husband is putting her sexual health at risk - as well as her unborn child's.

You say that it is not the OP's place to tell the wife but whose place is it then since her husband clearly won't tell her and she is pregnant and vulnerable? I hope that I would try to do the right thing by her rather than 'not get involved' because I didn't want to appear non-judgemental or moralistic. If she was angry with me afterward in a shoot-the-messenger kind of way then so be it.

eccentrica Sat 09-Mar-13 08:01:25

It really doesn't matter if they ve had sex twice or two hundred times does it? The question is whether or not you should tell a pregnant woman that her husband is having an affair. You don't need the exact details of their relationship to make that decision.
I think I would want to know.

DeskPlanner Sat 09-Mar-13 08:48:11

I'd tell,her. She's pregnant, she needs to know. Even if he is telling the truth he isn't, she deserves to know. If you loose the friendship, then so be it. The wife does need to know.

Inertia Sat 09-Mar-13 09:08:04

I agree with Dahlen - the health of the mother and unborn baby are the priority here. She needs to know what she might have caught from her husband. IIRC you give permission for particular tests to be carried out while you are pregnant - if she thinks there is no need to bother then she might not authorised all the STD tests.

In your shoes, I think I would tell her . The friendship with the husband is a dead duck anyway . You can extend the hand of friendship and support to the wife but be prepared for her to reject you.

Beckamaw Sat 09-Mar-13 12:02:39

Have a conversation with him, laying down that you will tell if he doesn't.
Listen to all of his protestations.
Then tell him you have recorded the conversation on your phone,and will be playing it to her in full if he doesn't come clean.
Whether you decide to actually record it is up to you.

HollyBerryBush Sat 09-Mar-13 12:07:53

How do you know he's the father of her baby? He very well may not be if they aren't having a sexual relationship.

Then tell him you have recorded the conversation on your phone,and will be playing it to her in full if he doesn't come clean.

blackmail? I hope he reports you to the police if you follow that bit of stupid advice.

bingodiva Sat 09-Mar-13 12:17:27

i would tell you to keep your nose of out my relationship if you tried to question me about it. No you shouldnt tell his other half, its nothing to do with you.

clam Sat 09-Mar-13 12:24:07

I think that whatever happens, your friendship with him is over isn't it? How can you ever look him in the eye again?
But that doesn't mean you can'tstill be around to support his poor wife.

DuchessFanny Sat 09-Mar-13 13:21:02

Slightly different circumstances, but I've been in this position twice ... The first time I told the wife straight away as we were very close - she was pleased I'd told her because when all the information came out she was humiliated to know ALL of their friends knew and no one said a word, this upset her a great deal .

The second time was recently and I wasn't as close to the wife , so decided to only ' not lie if she asked' - she asked as she'd heard rumours and I told her what I knew ( our husbands work together and her DH had told him everything) she got in touch after filing for divorce saying she was so grateful I'd told her as he'd had her thinking she was going mad !

It's not easy I know, but if it was me - I'd want to know, especially as they're having a baby ....

Flossiechops Sat 09-Mar-13 13:33:10

Gosh what a horrid situation. She does have a right to know, there would be nothing worse than another person knowing this about your dh and talking behind your back. I would give him an ultimatum either he tells her or you will. I may even consider sending an anonymous letter.

OatcakeCravings Sat 09-Mar-13 13:45:10

I don't think you should tell his wife, it's none of your business. I do think that you will lose them as friends though no matter how it pans out.

badinage Sat 09-Mar-13 13:46:30

No, No, No to anonymous letters.

There's another thread atm where several of us have pointed out how dangerous anonymous letters are.

The sender can never know the reaction it will produce; miscarriage, suicide, violence, self-harm. At the minimum they produce enormous distress and because the author is too cowardly to put their name to it, the recipient is left with 100s of unanswered questions.

On the other thread the OP didn't want to put her name to the bad news or deliver it personally and she didn't know the wife personally. So the majority said 'don't tell'.

This one's different. This is a 'definite tell' one, but the same rules apply about doing it personally and helping the friend with the aftermath.

Incidentally, it's a complete myth that they automatically give the whole battery of STI tests while pregnant. Some they will only do if asked.

Flossiechops Sat 09-Mar-13 13:54:49

That's interesting bandinage but the reaction could still be the same if told face to face. I guess the part about answering questions is true. My mum was in this situation when she found out my uncle was cheating on her sister. If that wasn't bad enough my dad was business partners with my uncle. She still told my Aunty but the fall out has been awful.

Selba Sat 09-Mar-13 13:58:56

Maybe the husband is not the father

Blu Sat 09-Mar-13 14:08:51

OMG, an anonymous letter would surely add to the poor woman's anguish. I would hate to receive an anonymous letter. It has very unpleasant connotations even if it purports to be in your interests. Cowardly. If you believe that it is your duty to do something, then do it openly.

optionalExtras Sat 09-Mar-13 14:17:40

If he is a genuinely good, but sex-starved man who otherwise loves his wife deeply and has "had" to fill the gap with someone else, he will be feeling extremely weighed down by the guilt of deceiving the woman he loves, and behaving strangely. If so, it will all explode soon enough.

If, on the other hand, he is more of a cowardly, self-entitled, lying git who wants to have his cake and eat it, his wife would probably want to know what kind of a man she is married to. Not just for her own self-respect but also for the sake of her unborn child.

She might not thank you for telling her, but she will probably thank you even less for not telling her.

badinage Sat 09-Mar-13 14:42:46

No if you were at least with a person when you delivered the news, you could use the right tone and body language to get the message across in a way that words in a note never could. You'd also be able to stay with that person and prevent her from doing something she might regret later, make her some sweet tea to cope with the shock and put your arms around her while she sobbed.

A close friend of mine had PTSD-like flashbacks for months afterwards about the moment she accidentally discovered her husband was having an affair and it was a complete shock. I've often wished I could have been there at that moment to help.

Viviennemary Sat 09-Mar-13 14:46:38

I think you should keep out of it. Difficult thought that will be. And let them sort it out themselves.

targaryen24 Sat 09-Mar-13 14:50:58

In any other case I'd say forget your friendship with him & leave them to it.

But she's pregnant and it's too risky not to.

How will you feel if she catches something nasty and you knew all along?
Or if she ever finds out you knew and didn't tell her?
Wouldn't you want to know/would you prefer to be blind to it?

The health issue is really too important to ignore, pregnancy wise and I'm surprised that hasn't made you tell her already to be honest.

badinage Sat 09-Mar-13 14:55:22

The thing about this one is that this nasty pair are involving the OP in their sordid little drama and goodness knows who else, so they aren't even being discreet about it. Plus the OW knows about the pregnancy, but doesn't seem to care and believes instead that the most normal thing to do if a man wants to prevent a pregnancy with his wife is to have unprotected sex....confused

So god knows how, but he's managed to avoid being dumped by a terminally stupid OW and it sounds like the affair will carry on, with at least one other person knowing all about it. That's just not fair while the pregnant wife has only a small time window to consider her options. She might want to terminate, she will need to request tests if she intends to carry on with the pregnancy, she might need to change what she's said to her employer about returning to work, especially if she's planning on being a single parent.

yellowbrickrd Sat 09-Mar-13 15:03:04

Did I miss something here - why is the wife included in the 'nasty pair' description? What has she done that's nasty or sordid?

I second those who say give your friend the ultimatum - either he tells or you will. That way at least she can hear it from the guilty party and you won't be adding the extra humiliation of wondering how many people knew about it to her misery. That way he can also deal with the fallout.

badinage Sat 09-Mar-13 15:06:35

The 'nasty pair' are the MM and OW who are both involving the OP (who is also a friend of the wife) in their affair.

Blu Sat 09-Mar-13 15:09:32

Just following this through - why is it OK for a someone to know about an affair but then force (by ultimatum) her DH to confess, but then also keep the information from the wife that anyone else knew? Does she not also have a right to know that?

I realise that knowledge isn't connected to health, but it is still aomeone else making decisions about what can and can't, should and shouldn't be told about someone's life. So some secrets can be kept to avoid her pain but not oters?

And re the health risk - do not routine pg blood tests pick up any STDs that would affect the baby?

health professionals are not allowed to pass on information from one person to another, even if they know there is a risk.

badinage Sat 09-Mar-13 15:13:29

Look, think logically about this.

The bloke obviously doesn't want out of his marriage if he's had unprotected sex with his wife. There's also no talk from him about wanting to terminate.

If the OP leaves it to him to tell his wife, does anyone really think he'll tell the truth?

More likely, he'll either tell his wife the affair is over when it won't be.

Or he'll realise what he's got to lose and will blame the nasty OW for leading him astray.

Meanwhile, he'll destroy every bit of evidence available to the wife that could expose his lies.

undercoverhousewife Sat 09-Mar-13 15:23:03

There is no need to tell your friend "for her health and that of her unborn baby" precisely because she is pg - pregnant women get STI tested anyway. If a test comes back positive then she will work everything out for herself.

So, putting that to one side, no, don't tell. The messenger is often shot. You don't know about the state of their relationship. You could make things worse.

But DO talk to the bloke involved and tell him that you expect him to do the honourable thing (and only he knows what that is, really). She may know already. Perhaps she has a secret lover and he is not the father. Perhaps they were having IVF and that made her so moody that the bloke looked elsewhere but now all will be happiness and light. Whatever, sadly you have to bite your tongue.

yellowbrickrd Sat 09-Mar-13 15:27:52

Sorry badinage, got your post a bit garbled. blush

The key thing is for the wife to know that her H is unfaithful. What he tells her is not something the OP can control but at least that basic fact will be out and the wife can then make some decisions based on that knowledge.

I don't think it's a 'right' of the wife's to know who else knows and even if she was told I don't know how it would be helpful to her. particularly in the first shock of discovery.

Nothing about the situation is 'ok' but everyone seems to agree that in the wife's position they would want to know and pressing the H to tell her seems the least-worst option.

5madthings Sat 09-Mar-13 15:30:46

Womem dont always get tested. You are offered sti tests in preg, you dont have to take them.

My takr on this is if my dp had an affair and i found out afyerwardd that my friends knew but hadnt told me i would be furious and hurt, very hurt it would be more betrayal so.i woukd tell.

Are you good friends op?
And he is a twat for involving you in this.

I have been in this situation before, years ago, although there was no pregnancy/children involved.

At first I did not tell, because I didn't know my cheating friend's partner very well, and I didn't think it was my business.

But I bumped into her one night at a bar and she said some things that gave me an opening, so I said fuck it, and told her everything I knew. She then confronted him and dumped his sorry ass.

We became great friends, and she must have thanked me a gazillion times for telling her (all their other friends knew and no one said anything). Obviously it was a horrible heartache at the time, but it would have been worse to have stayed and continue being cheated on.

I think you should meet up with his wife -- maybe to celebrate the pregnancy? -- and see if she gives you an opening, anything at all, so you can tell her.

Normally I would say stay out of it but I think the health concerns are really valid. They don't test you routinely for STDs in the UK (except for HIV), as far as I know.

"There is no need to tell your friend "for her health and that of her unborn baby" precisely because she is pg - pregnant women get STI tested anyway. If a test comes back positive then she will work everything out for herself."

Sorry but this really isn't true. I wasn't offered any STI tests, no one ever suggested them, except for HIV. I also didn't have any internals or anything that would have visually picked up on any symptoms (eg venereal warts).

This was in London. It sounds like it varies a lot but there's no way the OP can know for sure what the wife's practice will do.

Eurostar Sun 10-Mar-13 14:20:30

undercoverhousewife - what an ill-informed post! Not only, as others have pointed out, that many cash strapped areas do not routinely test for STIs, he could catch one while she is pregnant and, although he claims sexless marriage, if it is not, he can pass it on still. Catching an STI while pregnant is extremely dangerous to the pregnancy and the health of the baby if they are lucky enough for there not to be a miscarriage.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 10-Mar-13 14:39:48

It looks like you may lose both these people as friends no matter what you do so I would do whatever you can live with the most.
He has been lying to you abou this relationship with his wife, I wouldn't be surprised if these sexual problems stem from him being unable to keep it in his pants and his wife paying the consequences in the past to be frank. At best, as far as she knows they are having a normal relationship.

As previously stated not all areas screen routinely for stds, so its not just losing her friendship you have to weigh up but also losing her friendship and the potential risks form stds to her unborn child.

catlady1 Sun 10-Mar-13 15:00:00

Pregnant women ARE NOT routinely tested for STIs except HIV. I'm pregnant now and there has been no mention of STI testing whatsoever. The urine tests done throughout pregnancy only test for certain specific things (protein, white blood cells, glucose, ketones etc) and the blood tests are for iron levels and antibodies against certain diseases. So it's certainly possible that this man's wife could have picked up an infection which could endanger her baby and knows nothing about it.

Personally, I think if I was the wife I would like to know, especially if I was pregnant by this man. He obviously doesn't feel any shame about what he's doing so it's not going to stop anytime soon, and she will inevitably find out herself eventually, but by then, they'll have a child to consider who will be affected by this a great deal more severely than if they dealt with it now.

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 15:44:40

Actually cat makes a good point that the child will be less affectec if she finds out now and actually if she is in the early stages of pregnancy she may choose not to continue with the pregnancy and then have a clean.break from this cheating arsehole rathet than forever be tied together by a child. Of course she may not but i think she should be afforded the choice.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 10-Mar-13 15:52:44

What is the "concrete irrefutable proof" of his infidelity that you found? Is it something that can be sent/shown to the wife? I think you should tell her, especially as you say she is your friend too. I would want to know.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 16:40:53

My ex was having an affair while I was pregnant and it went on for eight years until I found out. When I did find out I rang the wife of a friend of his; he said he'd been there at a particular time. She was honest with me and told me he had been there, but had left several hours before coming home and I was really grateful to her.

I spent those eight years thinking I was going out of my mind. I was on various ADs and regularly at the doctor saying I thought I was going mad. When I found out, I didn't need the ADs. My GP did say, "Oh I wondered whether something like that was going on" (I know him quite well) and I did snap "Well I wish to christ you'd said something to me."

If my friends had known and not told me, that would have been a worse betrayal.

OP, it sounds as though the OW has accepted he's slept with his wife and hasn't dumped him for that, so it seems as though the affair will continue.

I think you should have a long conversation with your (male) friend. One with no time limit and no opportunity for him to run off. He needs a reality check. If he ends the affair now, things may become OK at home. However, I don't think anyone can end anyone else's affair; they may agree to end it and then carry on.

It depends whether you want to continue your friendship with this man. If you do tell his wife, the friendship will end.

Can you respect him for behaving like this? Can you believe him if he says it's all over?

If the affair is going to continue, his wife deserves to know. You know that.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 16:42:31

What do you mean by "he's done this before"?

BrittaPerry Sun 10-Mar-13 20:35:00

I definitely definitely got tested for clamydia and HIV as standard tests, and I think something else. Maybe because I was young? It was all done from wee and blood though - my first ever internal examination was when I was in labour. The DDs are 3 and 6 now, so not very long ago.

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