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splitting up over sex

(47 Posts)
NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 09:37:18

Dp smokes weed. This in itself has caused problems as I am against drugs but we have reached a compromise. He smokes of an evening in the shed or at his friends houses, he doesn't spend more than we can afford and he doesn't drink, take other drugs stay out all night partying etc. He says it helps him to unwind much like a glass of wine in the evening etc.

The problem is, when he is smoking every day he has ni sex drive. We haven't had sex in a month. We are both mid twenties and when he's not smoking we have it at least 3 times a week so it is definitely the weed killing it.

I want sex more often that once a month and I don't see why I should give up a healthy sex life so he can take drugs. I make an effort with my apperancre, have lost all of the baby weight and more.

I have spoken to him about it an he said he would make an effort. We had sex 3 times that week then nothing since. (that was a month ago). I brought it up again but now it feels like if he does have sex with me its because I am forcing him.

Is this worth splitting up over or would I be a fool to break up my family over sex.

glasscompletelybroken Thu 07-Mar-13 09:39:49

He smokes weed every day. That would be enough for me to end it without the sex issue.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Mar-13 09:42:25

It's not just sex though, is it? You've had a baby, grown up, matured, taken responsibility .... .and he's still sticking to an immature, selfish habit with no thought for anyone else. He only makes an effort when put under pressure, breaks his promises and, if it's already this bad when you're young and just starting out on your life as a couple (don't know how long you've been together), it doesn't bode well for the future.

If you split it wouldn't be you breaking up a family over sex it would be him destroying a family through selfish behaviour.

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 07-Mar-13 09:51:23

Taking the drug element out of it, it would still be bad if he was having a couple of beers every night and it affected his sex life. He is choosing to do this despite the effects it has on your relationship. I think another serious talk about this is needed, let him know you're considering ending things over his selfishness.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 07-Mar-13 09:56:45

Weed has the opposite effect on me and my Friend. Perhaps he could pay attention to the type he smokes, and the strength of the spliffs. It is possible to get a hit off a v small amount, as I have trained myself to do. Am old hippy, and would not touch some of the spliffs I've seen rolled, as I know they would do me in completely.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 07-Mar-13 10:03:03

What glass said. How can you have a relationship with someone who puts a drug before his family?

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 10:08:14

We spoke about it again last night, I made it clear that for me it was so serious that I would end things and he said he would sort it out. The problem being now that if he does make advances I will feel like he is doing it because he has too. He just can't win now I guess.

Silvered, he has cut his use in half so I don't think its the amount. I'm not sure but I am guessing that once he has any he is just too chilled out to actually get on with having sex.

I am glad that its not just me who sees that this is a problem. I feel like a cheap sex pest nagging him to have sec with me.

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 10:12:00

Glass & unexpected, I love him so I have tried to compomise. He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered but he doesn't and he makes me believe its not doing any harm. He holds down a job, helps round the house and with the baby. I feel unreasonable telling him to stop doing it just because I don't like it.

mrfrancis82 Thu 07-Mar-13 10:14:00

I Can't stand people who smoke weed constantly - nothing more boring than a pothead.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 07-Mar-13 10:16:04

If strong spiffs are the order of the day, I roll my own weak ones and smoke them all to myself. I try to keep a count and not smoke too many. If it's bongs or pipes that's a no-no for me, I like to know exactly how much I am imbibing. And I have breaks of 2 or 3 weeks where tobacco is all I smoke.

Mind you, it has a different effect on me than most - not so much chilled, more energised.

juneau Thu 07-Mar-13 10:18:26

Well I gave up smoking to be with someone I loved - he hated the smell and I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to smoke - so I think he's making a choice here and you're not unreasonable to want him to give up the weed in order to prioritise his relationship with you and your child.

However, he doesn't seem willing to give up the weed and, for me, that would be a deal breaker. The sex thing is incidental, but I will say this: if you're not having sex now and he's not making it a priority when you're in your mid-20s, don't expect things to improve. Unless he gives up the weed, that is. If it was me I'd make him choose - me or the weed - and then I'd act accordingly.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:18:26

"I love him so I have tried to compomise."

This isn't just something you don't arbitrarily like. It's not jut a question of taste. It's affecting a very important aspect of your relationship negatively. It's a totally ridiculou argument to say 'at least I'm not out getting plastered'.... does that mean you're supposed to be grateful? hmm

Holding down a job, helping round the house and being an active parent are not bonuses incidentally, they're givens. You are not being unreasonable expecting this man to behave like a grown-up.

TheFallenNinja Thu 07-Mar-13 10:22:08

You need to jettison the weed head who would rather sit in a shed than get the jiggy jiggy on.

If you can't compete with the shed it would seem its done.

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 10:31:45

fallenninja that actually made me laugh and is pretty much what I had been thinking.

You have pretty much all confirmed what I already knew. I am second best to a plant and don't even come a close runner up.

So its either put up and shut up, not really an option or move on.

Now breaking up is hard to do!

LadyBigtoes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:32:07

In the shed? That's horrible. I wouldn't want to be with someone who smoked weed anyway - I and DP both did when young, but we have kids now and have both given up any form of smoking - but him buggering off to the shed would be the end for me, that's so rude and shows he prioritises it over spending any time with you.

If I were you he would be getting an ultimatum and kicked out shortly after if it didn't stop.

The sex is kind of a side issue, IMO - it's something you need to sort out between you, but even if the sex was OK, I still wouldn't be happy about the weed.

mamapants Thu 07-Mar-13 10:34:46

Why don't you talk about the possibility of say 3 nights a week smoke free or just a single skinner and that's it. It is hard to be bothered having sex when you're really stoned but I do find its worth the effort for the added pleasure ;-)
I don't think its a reason to break up an otherwise happy relationship but there should be some give and take. I hate to see this attitude of f he loves you he should quit- presumably you knew he smoked when you got together.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:39:36

"presumably you knew he smoked when you got together"

Even if that's the case, it doesn't mean that it should always continue to be so. It's not 'if he loves you, he should quit'.... it's more that the OP has certain needs and expectations and, if they're not being met by her DH, her life is miserable. She only has a few choices really. Do nothing & stay miserable, ask him to quit or cut her losses and leave him to his shed.

LadyBigtoes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:45:40

I knew my DP smoked too, but when we had our first DC I made it clear it was a danger to babies and I would like him to stop if possible. He just cut down at first, as he had always said he could never give up. But he has.

People can and do change as they grow up. I do think weed especially is something it's better to phase out as you get more responsibilities, because it's not very compatible with relationships, work and family life, unless you are in agreement about it.

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 10:49:54

I didn't know he smoked when we got together, he lied to me because I made it clear how I felt about it from the start. He would just smoke on the days he weren't seeing me. We had a fantastic sex life.

Then after about 6 months he occassionally smelt of it when he arrived but didn't smoke it while he was with me.
It was only after we moved in together that I realised how much he smoked by which point I was head over heels in love.

Over the years we have come up with every compromise, only on weekends, only one a night, only at his friends houses, not at all. Slowly but surely it ends up being every night again. He cant sleep without it apparently.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Mar-13 10:53:57

Then I think you're at the 'line in the sand' point. He lied to you initially, has liked and made false promises since and is taking advantage of your feelings for him to carry on his habit. He's also insulting your intelligence claiming it's all under control and you should be grateful. Compromise doesn't work with ingrained habits/addictions, unfortunately. He has to feel the stark reality of what he stands to lose if there's to be a chance of changing his behaviour .... and currently he has zero incentive.

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 11:02:12

You right figuring and I know deep down that I am just letting him treat me like this. I don't want to lose him but nor do I want to carry on like this and nothing is going to change unless I change it.

Sometimes we have to accept our lot or do something to improve things, even if its something we don't necessarily want to do.

I am just dragging it out by hoping for him to change when realistically he won't and he has proved it.

Snorbs Thu 07-Mar-13 11:13:56

he makes me believe its not doing any harm.

It clearly is as it's dramatically affecting his libido.

Habitual cannabis users do end up believing that if they didn't smoke then they'd not be able to sleep. And that's true, to an extent. After smoking every day for a while then when they stop they will have trouble sleeping as their body has got used to being stoned before bed. But that will only last a couple of weeks at most. And stoned sleep isn't as good as proper sleep.

He's a stoner. He thinks that's fine. You don't. The ball's in your court.

carmenelectra Thu 07-Mar-13 14:32:06

Am I an old fart or summat. Only I'm a bit surprised a few posters are chatting about weed like its a regular fag or having a glass of wine! Would a line of coke be ok?
In fact, I'd rather be with someone who occasionally went on a night out and had coke than a pot head.

Anyone I've ever met who smokes spliffs regularly has always come across as a dope and a loser. I knew a girl from college who smoked it all the time with her partner. Both looked like a pair of dossers, and while nice enough were never 'with it'.

A partner disappearing to the shed to get stoned would only be accecptable if I was about 17.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 07-Mar-13 14:39:22

Nippy you and your dc are worth 1000 times more than this man is giving you.

He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered but he doesn't - what an arsehole.

You only have one life, don't live it with a drug addict.

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 15:35:07

Thanks for all the support. I know what you have all said is right and its time to face it.

I am returning from mat leave in a few weeks so will do something about it when I am finacially stable again. Even his mum said to me that sooner or later I will be a single mum because he loves his drugs more than anything.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 16:44:36

"He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered"

He's a father now.

So if he wasn't an immature dick he would not be out getting plastered every weekend.

That's not what good parents of babies do any more than they get stoned every night.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

"a few posters are chatting about weed like its a regular fag or having a glass of wine!"

It is.

"Would a line of coke be ok?"

Taking coke is more like boozing than getting stoned.

As long as polishing off an entire bottle of wine every night is socially acceptable I'm not going to frown on regular cannibis use.

SummerDad Thu 07-Mar-13 22:12:29

May be I am too old or perhaps I am missing something. Some of the posters are discussing about weed as if they are talking about a regular fag. Is it really not a big deal these days, I need to sort out myself I guess. Gosh, getting old sucks grin sorry for the digression and a bit of hijacking your thread.

SummerDad Thu 07-Mar-13 22:13:35

sorry i think xposted with another poster smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 08:39:58

"As long as polishing off an entire bottle of wine every night is socially acceptable ...."

Err.... it isn't. hmm People who do that generally have an alcohol problem

AThingInYourLife Fri 08-Mar-13 12:15:25

Yes, they do have an alcohol problem.

But one that plenty of people will defend as normal drinking and perfectly harmless.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 12:47:36

And those people defending the behaviour would be as wrong-headead as the subject of this thread, surely? Truth is that it doesn't actually matter whether he's smoking weed, drinking wine, downloading porn, electrocuting slugs or knitting socks in his shed every night. If it means he's falling short as a partner, the OP is quite entitled to be pissed off about it.

AThingInYourLife Fri 08-Mar-13 13:27:47

Of course she is.

I was just responding to a pp who seemed to think the fact that it was spliffs rather than wine that mattered.

Getting stoned every day means he is a bad partner, but it also means he is a terrible parent to a young baby.

zippey Fri 08-Mar-13 13:56:38

You need him to stop smoking weed, that is the crux of your problems. I dont know if you say if he works or not, but If he seems like a good enough guy, Id still give him another chance - basically make it an ultimatum between the weed or yourself. Like any addiction he might need help to get off, but if you love him enough, you will help him. If you dont think he is worth it then you are best to get rid.

CityTiliDie Fri 08-Mar-13 13:58:53

I could go out every night an get shit faced.....

but I dont, I'm a grown up

I could go out and sleep with other women......

but I dont , I'm in a relationship

I could do all sorts of things that I would like to but being a responsible, grown up, father with a gorgeous DW I dont and if he was anything of the above he would stop taking the drugs and start taking responsibilty.

He can enjoy himself without getting drunk or stoned he's just tooooo immature to understand that.

DTT before your DC grow up thinking that taking drugs on a regular basis is what 'grown up, responsible parents do.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 08-Mar-13 14:06:47

Like any addiction he might need help to get off, but if you love him enough, you will help him.

Oh God no. There's enough guilt heaped on the poor woman as it is. First rule of addicion is that addicts have to help themselves. If they continue to be addicts, it's not because someone didn't love them enough.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 08-Mar-13 14:06:58


zippey Fri 08-Mar-13 14:59:22

Thats what people who love each other do though. Wether they are your partner or child, you would help them to come out the other side, if you love them that is and see a future with them. In sickness and health. Male or female.

Personally I wouldnt see a future with a drug addict.

NippyDrips Fri 08-Mar-13 15:22:02

Thanks for all the advice, it has been helpful to see lots of different opinions.

Splitting up is not an option finacially until I am back at work in a few weeks. We have spoken an he realised that is his deadline to start putting me and dc first or things are over between us.

Thanks again.

MissMilliment Fri 08-Mar-13 15:33:20

I hope I'm not opening a whole other can of worms here, OP, and I'm assuming you've already got this covered, but I noticed you're the same poster I was chatting to on a cosleeping thread and I really hope your DP is nowhere near your baby when you're cosleeping if he's going to bed stoned.

Sorry for the potentially judgy post, feel free to set me straight smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 16:32:23

But zippey... with the best will in the world, no amount of love can make someone else come off drugs, quit alcohol, lose weight or ditch any other bad habit or lifestyle choice. So there's no 'helping them come out the other side' if they refuse to go in one side in the first place. If you've ever lived with an addict, you'd know that. The 'in sickness and in health' has to be a two-way street therefore. Not one partner deliberately harming themselves and wrecking the relationship whilst expecting the other partner to sit meekly by hoping for change that never comes. Life's far too short to waste it.

zippey Fri 08-Mar-13 16:46:12

MissMilliment makes a good point about co-sleeping.

Thats good that he knows he has a deadline to meet. I think I would be worried that he would fall back into his bad habits after meeting that deadline though.

NippyDrips Fri 08-Mar-13 16:58:33

missmilliment ds has his cot on my side of the bed so I am always between him and dp. I can feed both breast sleeping on one side so he is never between us. No risk of poor ds getting squashed or dp would be on the sofa.

Thanks for making sure I am aware though. I would never want to put ds in any danger.

Fallenangle Fri 08-Mar-13 17:14:01

I think the posters who suggest you help him to give would have a point if he wanted to give up. It seems he doesn't. You can't help him do what he doesn't want to do.
Perhaps when you go back to work you should have a 'weed or me' discussion. That will be a change in both your lives that can be used as a turning point. If it means he has some sleepless nights after he gives up thats much better than losing you, and anyway you have other ways to make him sleepy.

MissMilliment Fri 08-Mar-13 17:40:16

No worries Nippy smile

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 08-Mar-13 18:58:11

Zippey, first thing someone learns when going to get help to deal with an addict in the family is the three Cs:

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Of course you don't just cut them off because of their addiction but you can do real damage to yourself if you think they are still addicts because you didn't love / help enough.

<bitter experience>

CityTiliDie Sat 09-Mar-13 06:29:57

Staying with someone for financial reasons is wrong.

You may not be able to see how you could cope financailly without him but trust me you could, think more how appalling your DC's life will be affected by this twat and by your failing mood and MH if you dont kick his drug addled arse out soon.

Money is not the be all and end all. Your DC nad your mental well being are way more valuable than all the diamonds on the planet.

NippyDrips Sat 09-Mar-13 08:39:13

It's not a long term solution. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks, I don't think mine or dc mental health will be affected in that short space of time.

It gives him a chance to sort it out, knowing that I am serious and this is the date that he will be leaving if things haven't changed.

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