Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
splitting up over sex(47 Posts)
Dp smokes weed. This in itself has caused problems as I am against drugs but we have reached a compromise. He smokes of an evening in the shed or at his friends houses, he doesn't spend more than we can afford and he doesn't drink, take other drugs stay out all night partying etc. He says it helps him to unwind much like a glass of wine in the evening etc.
The problem is, when he is smoking every day he has ni sex drive. We haven't had sex in a month. We are both mid twenties and when he's not smoking we have it at least 3 times a week so it is definitely the weed killing it.
I want sex more often that once a month and I don't see why I should give up a healthy sex life so he can take drugs. I make an effort with my apperancre, have lost all of the baby weight and more.
I have spoken to him about it an he said he would make an effort. We had sex 3 times that week then nothing since. (that was a month ago). I brought it up again but now it feels like if he does have sex with me its because I am forcing him.
Is this worth splitting up over or would I be a fool to break up my family over sex.
He smokes weed every day. That would be enough for me to end it without the sex issue.
It's not just sex though, is it? You've had a baby, grown up, matured, taken responsibility .... .and he's still sticking to an immature, selfish habit with no thought for anyone else. He only makes an effort when put under pressure, breaks his promises and, if it's already this bad when you're young and just starting out on your life as a couple (don't know how long you've been together), it doesn't bode well for the future.
If you split it wouldn't be you breaking up a family over sex it would be him destroying a family through selfish behaviour.
Taking the drug element out of it, it would still be bad if he was having a couple of beers every night and it affected his sex life. He is choosing to do this despite the effects it has on your relationship. I think another serious talk about this is needed, let him know you're considering ending things over his selfishness.
Weed has the opposite effect on me and my Friend. Perhaps he could pay attention to the type he smokes, and the strength of the spliffs. It is possible to get a hit off a v small amount, as I have trained myself to do. Am old hippy, and would not touch some of the spliffs I've seen rolled, as I know they would do me in completely.
What glass said. How can you have a relationship with someone who puts a drug before his family?
We spoke about it again last night, I made it clear that for me it was so serious that I would end things and he said he would sort it out. The problem being now that if he does make advances I will feel like he is doing it because he has too. He just can't win now I guess.
Silvered, he has cut his use in half so I don't think its the amount. I'm not sure but I am guessing that once he has any he is just too chilled out to actually get on with having sex.
I am glad that its not just me who sees that this is a problem. I feel like a cheap sex pest nagging him to have sec with me.
Glass & unexpected, I love him so I have tried to compomise. He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered but he doesn't and he makes me believe its not doing any harm. He holds down a job, helps round the house and with the baby. I feel unreasonable telling him to stop doing it just because I don't like it.
I Can't stand people who smoke weed constantly - nothing more boring than a pothead.
If strong spiffs are the order of the day, I roll my own weak ones and smoke them all to myself. I
try to keep a count and not smoke too many. If it's bongs or pipes that's a no-no for me, I like to know exactly how much I am imbibing. And I have breaks of 2 or 3 weeks where tobacco is all I smoke.
Mind you, it has a different effect on me than most - not so much chilled, more energised.
Well I gave up smoking to be with someone I loved - he hated the smell and I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to smoke - so I think he's making a choice here and you're not unreasonable to want him to give up the weed in order to prioritise his relationship with you and your child.
However, he doesn't seem willing to give up the weed and, for me, that would be a deal breaker. The sex thing is incidental, but I will say this: if you're not having sex now and he's not making it a priority when you're in your mid-20s, don't expect things to improve. Unless he gives up the weed, that is. If it was me I'd make him choose - me or the weed - and then I'd act accordingly.
"I love him so I have tried to compomise."
This isn't just something you don't arbitrarily like. It's not jut a question of taste. It's affecting a very important aspect of your relationship negatively. It's a totally ridiculou argument to say 'at least I'm not out getting plastered'.... does that mean you're supposed to be grateful?
Holding down a job, helping round the house and being an active parent are not bonuses incidentally, they're givens. You are not being unreasonable expecting this man to behave like a grown-up.
You need to jettison the weed head who would rather sit in a shed than get the jiggy jiggy on.
If you can't compete with the shed it would seem its done.
fallenninja that actually made me laugh and is pretty much what I had been thinking.
You have pretty much all confirmed what I already knew. I am second best to a plant and don't even come a close runner up.
So its either put up and shut up, not really an option or move on.
Now breaking up is hard to do!
In the shed? That's horrible. I wouldn't want to be with someone who smoked weed anyway - I and DP both did when young, but we have kids now and have both given up any form of smoking - but him buggering off to the shed would be the end for me, that's so rude and shows he prioritises it over spending any time with you.
If I were you he would be getting an ultimatum and kicked out shortly after if it didn't stop.
The sex is kind of a side issue, IMO - it's something you need to sort out between you, but even if the sex was OK, I still wouldn't be happy about the weed.
Why don't you talk about the possibility of say 3 nights a week smoke free or just a single skinner and that's it. It is hard to be bothered having sex when you're really stoned but I do find its worth the effort for the added pleasure ;-)
I don't think its a reason to break up an otherwise happy relationship but there should be some give and take. I hate to see this attitude of f he loves you he should quit- presumably you knew he smoked when you got together.
"presumably you knew he smoked when you got together"
Even if that's the case, it doesn't mean that it should always continue to be so. It's not 'if he loves you, he should quit'.... it's more that the OP has certain needs and expectations and, if they're not being met by her DH, her life is miserable. She only has a few choices really. Do nothing & stay miserable, ask him to quit or cut her losses and leave him to his shed.
I knew my DP smoked too, but when we had our first DC I made it clear it was a danger to babies and I would like him to stop if possible. He just cut down at first, as he had always said he could never give up. But he has.
People can and do change as they grow up. I do think weed especially is something it's better to phase out as you get more responsibilities, because it's not very compatible with relationships, work and family life, unless you are in agreement about it.
I didn't know he smoked when we got together, he lied to me because I made it clear how I felt about it from the start. He would just smoke on the days he weren't seeing me. We had a fantastic sex life.
Then after about 6 months he occassionally smelt of it when he arrived but didn't smoke it while he was with me.
It was only after we moved in together that I realised how much he smoked by which point I was head over heels in love.
Over the years we have come up with every compromise, only on weekends, only one a night, only at his friends houses, not at all. Slowly but surely it ends up being every night again. He cant sleep without it apparently.
Then I think you're at the 'line in the sand' point. He lied to you initially, has liked and made false promises since and is taking advantage of your feelings for him to carry on his habit. He's also insulting your intelligence claiming it's all under control and you should be grateful. Compromise doesn't work with ingrained habits/addictions, unfortunately. He has to feel the stark reality of what he stands to lose if there's to be a chance of changing his behaviour .... and currently he has zero incentive.
You right figuring and I know deep down that I am just letting him treat me like this. I don't want to lose him but nor do I want to carry on like this and nothing is going to change unless I change it.
Sometimes we have to accept our lot or do something to improve things, even if its something we don't necessarily want to do.
I am just dragging it out by hoping for him to change when realistically he won't and he has proved it.
he makes me believe its not doing any harm.
It clearly is as it's dramatically affecting his libido.
Habitual cannabis users do end up believing that if they didn't smoke then they'd not be able to sleep. And that's true, to an extent. After smoking every day for a while then when they stop they will have trouble sleeping as their body has got used to being stoned before bed. But that will only last a couple of weeks at most. And stoned sleep isn't as good as proper sleep.
He's a stoner. He thinks that's fine. You don't. The ball's in your court.
Am I an old fart or summat. Only I'm a bit surprised a few posters are chatting about weed like its a regular fag or having a glass of wine! Would a line of coke be ok?
In fact, I'd rather be with someone who occasionally went on a night out and had coke than a pot head.
Anyone I've ever met who smokes spliffs regularly has always come across as a dope and a loser. I knew a girl from college who smoked it all the time with her partner. Both looked like a pair of dossers, and while nice enough were never 'with it'.
A partner disappearing to the shed to get stoned would only be accecptable if I was about 17.
Nippy you and your dc are worth 1000 times more than this man is giving you.
He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered but he doesn't - what an arsehole.
You only have one life, don't live it with a drug addict.
Thanks for all the support. I know what you have all said is right and its time to face it.
I am returning from mat leave in a few weeks so will do something about it when I am finacially stable again. Even his mum said to me that sooner or later I will be a single mum because he loves his drugs more than anything.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.