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Fantastic date, but.....aibu?

(81 Posts)
theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:05:59

Just had date 2 with a gorgeous guy who ticks all the boxes, except.....

date 1 - went for drinks, he bought first round, I bought second - ok with that although most guys recently bought all the drinks
date 2 - went for dinner (his suggestion) bill came, I offered to pay half, he accepted with no hesitation. AIBU to be a little surprised by this?

squeakytoy Wed 06-Mar-13 01:07:44

why shouldnt you go halves? confused

Thistledew Wed 06-Mar-13 01:08:41

Yes. Do you want to date a human being or a bank from the 1950s?

SeymoreInOz Wed 06-Mar-13 01:09:50

I think I'd be more uncomfortable with having drinks and dinner bought for me, so yabu. Hope the next date goes well!

theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:11:30

I was quite ok with going halves, just not what I was used to in the past. Only other dating I've done recently , guy has insisted on paying most of the time.

theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:12:35

Thanks, can't wait to see him again,

Monty27 Wed 06-Mar-13 01:14:44

Can you afford it?

theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:15:46

can afford dinner if it's occasional, but not if it became a regular thing

lubeybooby Wed 06-Mar-13 01:18:46

Well...

It is well known dating etiquette that 1st/2nd date if dinner is involved the woman offers, bloke refuses.

It's half and half all the way from that point after all. It's meant to be just a ONE OFF something a little bit nice to show appreciation and respect for making time for the date and the effort that we (females) tend to go to

It's nice, it's romantic, and it frankly sucks massively when it's missing.

Why would anyone be uncomfortable with a nice gesture that is part of long standing etiquette?

However... times are hard so yabu to expect it and be so disappointed when everything else was good.

theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:22:57

lubey - that's kind of how I feel. i'd understood from my limited experience that the first date or 2, the guy will pay. He seems perfect in every other way, and is clearly not hard up at all

Monty27 Wed 06-Mar-13 01:25:22

OP I asked because I can't really afford it, as with you possibly occasionally.

However, I would be a lot happier if a man invited me to dinner and he paid quite honestly. I know I'll get bunfought on it, but well, I'm a single parent and modest earner.

theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:29:20

I'm the same monty - ie single parent, earning next to nothing atm

TheSmallerPenguin Wed 06-Mar-13 01:29:41

I wouldn't expect the guy to pay, or really want him to tbh. I would feel weird about someone paying for my company.

If he is clearly not hard up, perhaps he is making sure that his dates are not seeing him as a meal ticket? In his shoes, it's better to find that out sooner rather than later.

theendishere Wed 06-Mar-13 01:31:53

seems there are mixed views on this!

deedotty Wed 06-Mar-13 01:36:03

Hmmmm..... I'd be a bit uncomfortable too? hmm

I reckon that as dinner is a bigger financial thing than drinks or coffee, if someone suggests it they should be willing to/insist on treating?

I mean if the guy had asked the OP what shall we do on X night then she might have had the choice of picking something cheaper?

Personally, it would show a lack of social awareness if he suggested something, and then wasn't aware that you might have a problem covering it? Unless you're both in identical jobs so he KNOWS you can easily cover it, then he could have allowed you to pick a lower budget option.

Never mind dating, if I'm out with friends and they suggest something, then I have some input into what we do as they generally aren't paying for me....

Not a LTB Red Flag for me, but more a note this, and something to watch out for down the line thing.

deedotty Wed 06-Mar-13 01:38:00

Aye, just caught up with the last posts and never mind dating, if I was out with a FRIEND and I knew they were a low earner, I'd be quite sensitive to either not suggesting anything expensive OR just basically paying the bill, no argument, and not accepting any of their money at all...

TheSmallerPenguin Wed 06-Mar-13 01:38:38

Are you able to function on roughly the same kind of financial footing as him? If not, does he know that?

deedotty Wed 06-Mar-13 01:51:44

Thinking on a similar experience of mine ....

Internet date a couple years ago.

Met for a "drink" at a place he suggested...

Guy suggested we get dinner as well as drinks. For food, the place WOULDN'T have been of my choosing - basically incredibly overpriced American bar food. Conversation going well, so I agreed. I certainly got the vibe he was attracted to me and wanted to prolong the afternoon.

Guy accepted half the bill which was silly money for two burgers (^plus he didn't have enough change so I actually paid an extra fiver on top of my share to leave a tip and cover his half^).

I mean I was happy to pay for what I'd eaten, at the time. But did think it was pretty bad form etiquette wise, and took him RIGHT out of the "romantic prospect" category in my eyes? He had a well paid job, was telling me about the flat he owned and the holidays he had taken, and I was in between freelance contracts.

Definitely didn't want to see him after that, and I'd definitely make the same decision again. There one is hmm

SeymoreInOz Wed 06-Mar-13 02:00:04

I didn't realise it was dating etiquette, that changes things. Is he new to the dating scene?

TheSmallerPenguin Wed 06-Mar-13 02:03:58

I don't think it is necessarily dating etiquette these days? Not in my experience anyway. Isn't it a hangover from the past?

Monty27 Wed 06-Mar-13 02:46:01

Theend hmmm, no, I'm not for the woman paying half when they've been invited out by a man.

I can understand the you woman set who are high earners etc, I really can, but I'm neither of those grin

Monty27 Wed 06-Mar-13 02:46:16

YOUNG

nemno Wed 06-Mar-13 02:54:00

This is a surprise to me. It seems old fashioned for there to be an expectation that the man will pay. In this case the unequal financial situation is cited as an additional reason, what if he is the lower earner?

nemno Wed 06-Mar-13 02:56:22

OP, forgot to say that I would certainly not hold this against him just yet, but his ongoing attitude to you and money should let you know if he is a keeper.

Monty27 Wed 06-Mar-13 02:59:42

Nem yes, I see absolutely what you're saying and on certain levels would agree, except I'm skint and old grin

deedotty Wed 06-Mar-13 03:45:10

Dating etiquette isn’t hard and fast – everyone’s got their own path to love and own personal priorities.

Do think for a better experience one needs to eliminate men who make you hmm and respect your own this is uncomfortable instincts.

In my case, and in the OP’s case, the guy took the lead in suggesting a more expensive option, then didn’t have the social grace to acknowledge our lesser financial situations and that it was HIS idea to upgrade the cost from a more "basic" date. For my date, it was £25 for wine and a burger, which was my spends budget for the week gone confused

It’s not the money or getting a free meal off a man – I wanted to continue the date in a relaxed way, not get an overpriced bit of meat! It’s the lack of consideration/thought and I choose what I want 100% but you pay 50% that is a Red Flag.

Another example

When we were dating, my ex said we should go on holiday. He didn’t mention splitting the cost, so I assumed he was treating as it was his idea, he had done all the planning/booking/initial paying and he was quite clear he wanted it to be “this location”/"a week not a weekend" etc. We went on the holiday – nice restaurants, posh hotels, which he covered.

He told me ONLY WHEN WE GOT BACK I owed him 50%.

I was young and wanted to make things work and wanted to "do the right thing". I paid.blush

The money was most of my bank balance. I was living on someone’s sofa whilst job hunting which he was aware of. He was going to a Very Good City Job and had a company scholarship.

If I had KNOWN I was paying 50% beforehand - which I was happy to do and which he could have told me - I’d have suggested two nights in a tent or in hostel somewhere nearby, not a week in hotels with flights on top. I had to subsidise HIS choice and preference, which I couldn’t afford.angry

(Actually saw him pulling the same stunt with his family later on – even when his parents were hard up, he would manipulate/shame them into coming on elaborate holidays/meals out which they couldn’t afford, because HE wanted them there).

Feminism has nothing to do with it – it’s just being a dick or not being a dick... I mean if the guy is a lower earner, then its FINE if he suggests a cheaper option and you go along with that smile !

It’s the "high earner and I want you to beggar yourself to live MY lifestyle and I won’t think of it from your POV" that is dick territory.

aurynne Wed 06-Mar-13 04:41:17

"I was quite ok with going halves, just not what I was used to in the past."

Well, ask yourself: where are those other guys you were used to in the past?

Perhaps it's time for a change?

NandH Wed 06-Mar-13 04:52:38

any date I've been on the guys always paid and it's made me feel uncomfortable...I'd rather pay half or pay all!

sallyfromthealley Wed 06-Mar-13 06:08:45

It could well be because he is a serial dater and can't/won't treat all the women he goes out with. Some men who see loads of women feel resentful about treating women and feel taken advantage of. Plus some men are just tight.

TheFallenNinja Wed 06-Mar-13 06:56:56

Ah the bill. The first opportunity for misunderstanding and awkwardness.

Lizzabadger Wed 06-Mar-13 07:03:07

YABU - surely it's fair to split the bill.

I once briefly dated someone who expected me to pay for everything even through I was a student and he was a doctor. Quickly became apparent he was a raving narc.

But halves is fine.

WipsGlitter Wed 06-Mar-13 07:06:07

deedotty did you seriously not think to mention / ask / offer money until you came home?

Forget all the 'red flag' nonsense, stop over analysing and just enjoy dating.

I agree with those who say they'd expect to pay half. I met my DH 7.5 years ago and dating scene then was definitely half's. if you can't afford eating out once a week then talk to him about other options for date locations to keep it affordable.
Why would anyone assume a man can fund dinner / holidays etc without talking about it? I understand if a precedent was set on previous dates but no red flags for me - at least you know he's less likely to be a sexist prick with 'kept little woman' attitudes smile

I think you're BU.

You offered to pay half, he accepted. What's wrong with that?

Why should the man pay the whole bill on the second date? He hardly knows here, it is in both of their best interests to get to know each other better, why should the man foot the bill for thid?

I don't like it. It might be traditional, but lots of traditionds are worth binning. A man paying the whole bill assumes he earns more, he has control, he is in charge, that a woman needs looking after.

In my opinion once you have a boyfriend/partner/husband then they can offer to treat you, just like you can offer to treat them, but on a second date the guy shouldn't have to foot the bill unless he wants to.

ErikNorseman Wed 06-Mar-13 07:13:59

confused
Ok so I've never actually 'dated' so I don't know. But I think it's totally weird to expect anyone to pay for your dinner. I know with Internet dating you are supposed to go on lots of dates, are blokes supposed to spend hundreds of £££ a month treating every woman they meet? Insane. IMO, if you can't afford dinner, don't agree to dinner. Tactfully tell the person and suggest something cheaper. If they offer to pay, great, if not, also fine. I feel for men, being always expected to pick up the tab. It's shit.

Branleuse Wed 06-Mar-13 07:18:23

you offered, he accepted.

Its nice to be treated, but its not nice to expect it.

Etiquette is one thing, but women have jobs too now and they didnt when the etiquette thing was all started. It wouldnt be a red flag at all for me. If youre skint, id suggest ordering something cheap on purpose and tell him that youre a bit skint this week in a lighthearted way, or next time you go out, ask if you can do something cheaper. That will give you the opportunity to see whether hes a cheapskate who is never going to treat you to anything, or whether hes a gentleman

ithaka Wed 06-Mar-13 07:32:22

Deedotty, I find it utterly weird that you would go on a holiday with someone and let them organise every little aspect of it, without once asking them about the finances and who was paying. That would be a red flag for me that you expect your partner to do everything and are needy and dependent, so I would run a mile.

Asking someone to pay halfers on a first date is the epitome of normal social interaction by comparison, no red flag for me.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 06-Mar-13 07:44:51

The trouble is, ithaca, it takes quite a lot of social confidence to say upfront 'what's going to happen about the bill'. There's an unspoken culture of 'talking about cost = stingy' and a bit of pride about saying 'I can't afford this' - so it understandable that someone simply hopes for the best. Hopefully this kind of thread will help people summon the courage to challenge people who expect their expensive tastes to be subsidised by their companion... Bit of a detour from the OP, mind, I think I lean towards the 'go halves & be involved in budget-appropriate venue choice' camp. Maybe one day I'll have a date to try it out on! confused

ithaka Wed 06-Mar-13 07:53:42

But it is not just asking about the bill - if you know someone well enough to go on holiday with them, surely you know them well enough to express an opinion about venue/travel/cost? Or do you just sit there expecting them to read your mind? Sorry, that is odd.

I feel like I've entered the twilight zone.

You offered to pay half; he graciously accepted. What a bastard. wink

If you were happy to pay it's right that you offered, but then think nothing of it. If you weren't happy, or couldn't afford it, it was a bit disingenuous of you to offer, expecting him to refuse.

I think in the early stages of dating, the least you can be is straightforward. He sounds straightforward; not sure about you.

saintmerryweather Wed 06-Mar-13 08:06:40

I would never expect a man i was going out with to pay the whole bill. that would make me quite uncomfortable. youve got a tongue in your head- if you cant afford it say you dont fancy it and suggest something cheaper. i cant believe someone suggested a man splitting the bill on a second date is a potential red flag. surely it shows a more equal viewpoint than someone treating the little woman or worse, making her foot the whole bill?

Gay40 Wed 06-Mar-13 08:10:47

Are we in the 1950s? Paying for dinner obviously means he's paying for a fuck, so best get down to it after you've been "treated".
Seriously, people. Grow up. Pay your own way. Dating etiquette my arse.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 06-Mar-13 08:11:19

Ithaca, deedotty did acknowledge that she was young, didn't know what to do so hoped for the best. My late teens daughters are generally very sensible but sometimes simply at a loss in unfamiliar social situations, never mind unaware of the manifold ways in which their fellow humans can try to pull a fast one, unfortunately...

Gay40 Wed 06-Mar-13 08:12:02

And any woman who expected me to foot the bill after a date or two would be a massive red flag. Consideration of expenditure is expected, being funded isn't.

What Gay & Saint said.

dippymother Wed 06-Mar-13 08:18:19

My BIL was a serial online dater - his view was that first date was always drinks only (in case he/she wanted to cut it short!), he bought the first drink and if an offer to pay for the second drink came from the woman, he accepted. Second date was a meal and he appreciated an offer to go halves on it, which he also accepted. He's not a high earner so I guess it was done out of necessity and a lot of the women were higher earners than him, though I don't suppose he really knew that on the first date, unless there were meaningful discussions about each other's careers! Pleased to say he's very happy in his current relationship!

Incidentally my DP (of two years) was an internet date. First date we had a cream tea which he paid for. Second date was a film at the local cinema - I paid for the tickets, he bought the snacks. Since then we pretty much share the costs for everything but we do have similar budgets. He's said on numerous occasions, that one of the things that stood out in the early days was my willingness to share costs and not expect him to foot the bill all the time (apparently some women do!).

dippymother Wed 06-Mar-13 08:22:07

PS Ditto Gay & Saint

CuChullain Wed 06-Mar-13 08:23:37

I think if a bloke has asked a girl out on a date then fair enough, he should stump up the cost. But its always encouraging to see a women at least offer to pay her way or buy a round of drinks. There are too many women out there who quite frankly take the piss when it comes to the expense of dating and courting, still happy to label some guy a skinflint because of some antiquated notion of Victorian chivalry that he should flash the cash and because ‘she is worth it’. Needless to say when I sensed that a women suffered from ‘princess syndrome’ it was unlikely that further dates would follow. This is 2013 not 1955.

I live in London and while I am on a good wage most of the women I have been on dates with over the years earned at least as much as me if not more, why should they get a free ride or get upset at the prospect of going Dutch. Generally my peer group of professional women would be horrified if they were seen to be not pulling their weight financially if they were in a position to do so.

Whocansay Wed 06-Mar-13 08:47:13

I'm a bit shocked that you expect a free meal from someone you hardly know. And now you're judging THEM because they accepted your kind suggestion that you actually pay your way?

I'd run a mile if I was him. You sound like hard work.

eccentrica Wed 06-Mar-13 09:38:25

Hear hear Henrietta first page of this thread is like the twilight zone! I am SHOCKED to see the number of women who not only demand and expect to be paid for, but then make false offers to pay half (apparently making an offer you do.t mean is fine) and for the other person to accept it is 'a red flag'??!

My God. If you can't afford dinner there, say som don't eat there THEN offer to pay half THEN secretly fume about it and bitch to other people. Grow up and stop playing games!!

nilbyname Wed 06-Mar-13 09:46:38

I think the man ought to offer to pay, and then I insist on going dutch, then he might insist on paying. Now depending on how insistent he was I might let him pay as a ONE off, but always split it after that. If a man did pick up the meal bill and things were going well, then I would suggest coffee (at the same venue) or another drink and I would pay for that.

Parity is good.

If I offered to go halves, and he said, yes good idea, then I would be glad.

Ashoething Wed 06-Mar-13 10:08:16

Goign for drinks-both should pay. Going for dinner-I would expect the man to pay tbh-old fashioned? Maybe but I would think it was the mark of a gentleman.

saintmerryweather Wed 06-Mar-13 10:19:37

Its as if feminism never actually happened isnt it. i dont want someone who i barely know to be happy to 'treat' me to a meal out, but then again i dont want to be looked after, i want a relationship with someone who sees me as an equal

mrfrancis82 Wed 06-Mar-13 10:41:04

I had a date last friday - Dinner, then drinks (was a first date).

I was happy to pay for the meal and drinks with the meal, but we moved on to a second bar I would kind have liked her to offer to get a round in but she didn't. I could accept this on a first and second date, but if I had to pay for everything on the 3rd, there wouldn't be a 4th.

I'm not interested in having a kept woman and it's nice to see a girl paying her own way.

Mintberry Wed 06-Mar-13 10:43:30

I wouldn't expect it, though maybe if he earns a lot and knows you're struggling it would be polite of him to offer.
Still, I certainly wouldn't let it change whether or not I would see him again. Maybe just suggest doing something cheaper like going for a walk somewhere nice or home cooked food?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 06-Mar-13 10:44:51

It's as if feminism never actually happened

Yup.

And OP casually mentioned he is a struggling single parent...

Corygal Wed 06-Mar-13 11:06:36

Why does feminism mean the woman gets a big bill?

OP, I'm with you. It's unromantic at best, slightly entitled at worst, to ask someone out to your choice of nitespot and then charge them. The man might be ok, but if you sniff tightwad, I'd slip away.

garlicbrain Wed 06-Mar-13 11:11:19

She said she's a hard-up parent. Her date, she said, is clearly not hard up at all.

Theend, I think you have to learn to say "I can't afford that, shall we just get chips?" It is a bit off to accept an invitation on the assumption it's a free gift - how would you feel if a friend did it to you?

Beamur Wed 06-Mar-13 11:23:57

I'd always expect and offer to pay my way.
My ex (who was a lovely and sweet man) somehow got me to pay for him on our first date! I was a bit taken aback, the date hadn't actually gone that well and I was very surprised to find myself agreeing to see him again. I think he was having a bit of fun with me as he'd been trying to speak to me for ages and I'd kept ignoring him.
I think until you know someone quite well, you should always pay your way to avoid any confusion. If it's suggested to go somewhere that's out of your budget, then suggest something else.

saintmerryweather Wed 06-Mar-13 11:26:32

At what number date is he allowed to stop paying for everything then? Or as hes such a gent should he just always pay for everything? If he was a single parent or a student is it ok to split the bill or is it only if hes got money that hes unreasonable for expecting someone to pay their way? personally i would rather start as i mean to go on

The feminism comment wasnt really aimed at the op as such, more the responses she has recieved from dome other posters

aufaniae Wed 06-Mar-13 11:39:58

I would expect to pay halves and would be suspicious of a man who didn't expect me to pay. It would feel very old fashioned and like he was trying to buy me. I'd run a mile from that tbh.

BigPigLittlePig Wed 06-Mar-13 11:49:43

Perhaps he intended to pay for it all, but when you offered to go halves, didn't want to offend you by insisting he paid it all?

I would ignore it and make plans for date 3 - enjoy!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 06-Mar-13 12:12:21

My apologies OP and garlic, I misread.

I still stick to my opinion that there should be no expectation that someone should buy the dinner just because he's got a penis and you don't.

It is some time since I dated (about 20 years), but we went halves back then. Either 50% or once things got going, I bought one round, he bought the next. And one meal would be mine, and the next his....and 20 years on, we earn roughly the same, and we still go approximate halves.

60sname Wed 06-Mar-13 12:28:55

I was a bit put out when my now DP didn't offer to pay on date two as I thought it meant he wasn't interested/could potentially be a bit tight.
But I re-examined my beliefs and realised that I had found someone who is interested in a 'team' type of equal relationship - something that had been missing from my previous relationships.
Three years on, we have a great, equal relationship, similar attitudes towards money - and he has generously treated me on special occasions - as I do him.

LessMissAbs Wed 06-Mar-13 12:44:35

This sounds really old fashioned to me, but I must admit my experience of dating is different - I've barely done online dating (round here first online date seems to be an "interview" based around both of you buying your own coffee) and I've only ever dated men who are at the same stage in life as myself. ie university boyfriends, graduate type job boyfriends, professional boyfriends. DH fell into the latter category. First date was cinema, I honestly can't remember who paid what, second date was a meal and again I can't remember.

I think me and my friends must be odd, because we'd all feel really uncomfortable dating a sort of rich older man who is expected to pay for dinner. As one of my friends said when one of these types was trying to persuade her to go on a date with him with the line that he would pay for her dinner - "I can afford to pay for my own dinner". I feel fine with a man I know well treating me, but a total stranger - bit of a power game going on there, and kind of annoying to me.

XiCi Wed 06-Mar-13 12:46:21

I think if someone asks you out on a date then really they should offer to pay. Even if I wanted to pay halves I would expect the offer and would prob not date them again if they didn't, it smacks of meanness and a lack of generosity which is something I just can't stand. Meanness with money usually indicates a meanness in every other area of their lives.

However if its internet dating where the men/women are likely to be going on series of dates then I think this changes it a bit and I would expect to pay half

Cherriesarelovely Wed 06-Mar-13 12:57:50

Strange!!!! I find it really odd that people are still in this "the man ought to pay" time warp!! I am actually gay so maybe not the most informed person on this subject but I think it is so sexist. Paying your way is how it ought to be unless someone has explicitly said it is their treat. Many years ago I did date a man who was a total skinflint and would do anything to avoid paying, I was always the one footing the bill. That's not right and clearly if someone is hugely well off and the other person isn't then you might expect them to be sensitive and either make fair choices about where to eat or to pay but not just because they were a man. I would feel so patronised if a man or indeed a woman insisted on paying for me each time we went out. It is archaic.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 06-Mar-13 12:59:01

I can't stand meanness either by the way.

XiCi Wed 06-Mar-13 13:02:40

I don't think anyone would expect to be paid for every time they went out but for a first date when someone has asked you if you would go out for dinner or drinks with them, to somewhere of their choosing then I don't think its unreasonable to expect them to offer to pay

Teeb Wed 06-Mar-13 13:33:06

I like the idea of being an equal, so pay an equal share of the bill.

I like it if the man offers to pay for dinner the first time; I always offer to pay my share and willingly do so if it's accepted, but the date would get brownie points from me for being chivalrous.

Halves from then on though...

DP pays more often than me for 'dates' but then he spends a lot of time at my house and I cook dinner a couple of times a week and get the wine in etc. He's generous and so am I so it works well for us smile

LessMissAbs Wed 06-Mar-13 13:52:58

This actually scares me, I guess I wouldn't be cut out for online dating! The thought of sitting having a romantic, paid for dinner with someone I'd met once before would make me run for the hills. Its all just so contrived. Surely the first few dates are about getting to know each other. I prefer to consider myself an equal.

Does this not only restrict women to dating men who are richer than themselves? I cannot see how it works with women who are in well paid jobs, unless they like someone to take control in a very contrived way, and make a point of being a very feminine female. How does it work when the couple earn the same, is the man always expected to pay and just cover it financially? Does this attitude of the man paying extend to the woman having to also take the traditional roles of doing most of the cooking and cleaning, despite what she earns as well?

Zaphiro Wed 06-Mar-13 14:09:27

You offered so I don't see why you're hmming. If you don't want to pay half, don't offer to pay half!

Personally I think whoever suggests/plans the date should pay. DP's self-employed so goes through different periods of prosperity or lack of. If I want to go out for a date and suggest it, I'd pay. If he does, he pays. Paying half removes the exciting treat element and means you're paying for something you might not be keen on or be able to afford.

Zaphiro Wed 06-Mar-13 14:10:19

FWIW OP I wouldn't have offered. But if I liked him I would have suggested a second date and made it clear that it'd be on me.

saintmerryweather Wed 06-Mar-13 14:57:49

If you met a woman you would like to get to know better as a friend and invited her to coffee one day would you expect to pay for her? After all, you have arranged the date and invited her. if someone tried to do that i would see them as desperate, not chivalrous

deedotty Wed 06-Mar-13 15:19:07

I do think its not a gender/feminism/man-woman issue but just a general etiquette, if you're in a situation with different income levels, think ahead and check that the poorest person can afford the option one? hmm

Seen this a few times in non-dating situations, and for me, it always reflects badly on the organiser.

Someone I knew in sixth form - for 18th SHE wanted a party abroad and then everyone was fretting about getting a few hundred quid for tickets or being left out (we're talking A level students at an average school). We paid for something we didn't want in the first place confused - all would've been happy with a night down the local dive pub and chipping in for a cake!

Or night out in London - bankers on the same night out as student types. Bankers lead everyone into a situation where they get a long cab journey, extend somewhere REALLY expensive, order bottles for the table, and then all the students are going erm, err, yeah sure I’ve got money no problem .

No-one wants to be that twat who makes a scene when the bill comes, BUT it is bad form when richer members in a social situation are thoughtless and expect everyone to rise to their level. Especially where people don't know each other that well so aren't comfortable with saying they're skint or whatever?

@Ithaka Thanks for your comment, I’m fairly content with myself and my emotions and my dating adventures and choices, and INCREDIBLY certain I wouldn’t fancy you or yours or want to take any lessons from the way you "deal" with life and your relationships grin

It’s the fucking Internet, we’re all anonymous names on a screen - the point for me is sharing my past and present experiences/feelings as openly and honestly as possible, not creating some perfect image of myself!

I’m fine IRL - even when I'm down - I have no need to create an online persona to prove to random people on the Internet I’m better/happier/more sorted than them.

If YOU have to log on just to be angry at strangers, then maybe you should spend time working on yourself and your Real Life as you are really reeking of projecting your own bitterness from something?

So, we’re pretty much evens in our opinions of each other wink I'd say I've DEFINITELY seen a social Red Flag for you grin Oh - this is my last comment to you, as I don't really fancy a tit-for-tat with some random angry. Ta ta.

eccentrica Wed 06-Mar-13 16:30:44

cherriesarelovely Trust me, you don't need to be gay to think this is sexist and archaic!

Everyone, male or female, friends or lovers, should be sensitive to other people's ability to pay but to expect the man to pay for you - to be honest I had no idea anyone still subscribed to that idea in 2013.

ithaka Wed 06-Mar-13 16:32:10

Wow deedotty, that is a long and heated response to my pithy observations...I think I'll just carefully back away from the ranty person on the thread....

Fooso Wed 06-Mar-13 16:44:35

Common sense says "why shouldn't you pay half " but I think it's lovely to be taken on a date and have dinner bought for you - its makes you feel its a bit special and the guy is trying to impress you ... BUT... as previous posters have said, once the first couple of dates are out of the way its 50/50 alll the way...

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 07-Mar-13 00:11:32

Gosh. I'm sure I'm older than a lot of you on here, but I cannot believe the old-fashioned views that are being expressed. So the man asks you on a date and he has to pay everything? So, you are all so equal that you ask men on dates now 50% of the time?

Why should the man pay everything. Surely it should be half and half. DH and I married 2o years ago and when we first started dating, on the first few dates, we shared the cost and after that, he paid then I paid. Now, as we're married, it's all one big pot.

I have two DSs and I despair of some females nowadays. It's the same attitude that says that schoolgirls may hit boys, but they may not hit them back as they would be called women beaters. It's a disgraceful attitude.

Surely, if we want to be equal, then everything should be equal. No one should hit anyone else and payment for dates should be shared.

So, in response, OP, it's no red flag. You should have offered and yes, he should have accepted.

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