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Pretty convinced my DH is a gay man in denial.(41 Posts)
I am a regular MNer but name changed. I think the thread about men being self entitled and selfish in bed has pushed me to post. I have never posted in relationships, but lurked and read with interest.
I am so full of resentment. I feel like I have been lied to - conned even. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have a 2year old DS. MyDH is from a strict catholic background, and I am convinced that he is a gay man in denial. I honestly don't think anything will ever make him admit it.
Our sex life is now nonexistent, prior to that it was appalling. We haven't even attempted anything for going on two years. The last time, he "tried" was after yet another conversation I instigated about our lack of intimacy. I woke up the next morning, to find him attempting to have sex with me, whilst I was still asleep - but he couldn't raise to the occasion so to speak and I found it rather disturbing to have him trying.
Right from the beginning of our relationship, he has been unable to do anything apart from jump on top and its over in about 30 seconds. Assurances were given about how it would "get better". I smiled grimly at some of the suggestions on the other thread about teaching what you like etc etc etc . I have done it all. I have never even had a proper snog!
When I talked to him in the past, he admits to not like touching the female body. Foreplay, kissing - forget it. I get the impression that his previous relationships were no better. His first wife had an affair. I think that he is a good man in most other way, but unfortunately, as I'm sure you will all tell me is the case, this has leaked over into the rest of our life.
I am starting to despise him, and its getting harder for me to hide. His idea of affection, is like how you would treat your mother. A gentle kiss on the forehead that type of thing. I avoid that now.
Its turned me from someone with a healthy sex drive, into someone who is angry. I cannot even "do it myself" anymore. It makes me cry and get angry. It makes me feel humiliated.
Its not like he is camp (not meaning that to be insulting). I am 100% sure he would never act on any gay feelings he may have. Its just so obvious to me that he is a gay man, who will never admit it. I do have my reasons beyond him finding the female body repulsive, but am not going into them for fear of outing myself.
I don't know what to do. I thought he was such an attractive man, now I look at him and know that I won't touch him again. I have no wish to.
I felt that perhaps I could live this way, but I think I will have to tell him I want seperate rooms, I can't even bare him brushing up against me.
He has talked in the past about erectile disfunction, and even went so far as to go to the doctors. I don't believe him. Neither did the Doctor, who after tests stated that it was mental not physical and suggested that he/we get some counselling. I refused, and he didn't want to. I think my reason was that I was scared of confronting the truth.
I feel so much anger. What shall I do? Oh and my figure has gone to pot. I am a serious comfort eater now, who has a weight problem, I think maybe that I'm using that as a form of protection - if that makes sense? Makes me feel unavailable and thats fine.
Please don't just tell me to leave the bastard. It isn't always that simple.
I'm sorry. It sounds a horrible situation, for both of you. Do you think you might feel differently about counselling now?
Homosexuality really doesnt spring to.mind when I read your post. He was brought up in a strict Catholic home, has problems with intimacy.....maybe his parents have treat the body and sexuality as a taboo at home? Maybe he doesnt know how to be affectionate, or was made to feel guilty and embarassed during puberty and that time of experomenting with your.own body?
If he wants to improve the intimacy between you then counselling would be my first suggestion.
And if he doesnt want to work towards a time when you are both having your needs met, then separate bedrooms seems to me like a poor alternative - you may well do better to male.a clean break and look for someone with whom you are 100% compatible.
Life is far too short to remain with a man with such huge issues, you deserve a life with someone who is sexually attracted to you, I can only imagine what it does to your self esteem to live with such rejection.
Yes, I think the fact that I mentioned the catholic upbringing and think its relevant is telling.
I don't know about counselling. I feel like I am beyond that, although I would rather I wasn't so maybe I need to think about it.
I sort of feel that even if we ever managed to get past this, how could I ever expect him to do anything other than he does in bed - I would know that he really doesn't want to.
I have been thinking about the clean break but am scared of another failed marriage.
Totally agree with mortified. Counselling sounds a good idea.
Horrid situation and one I identify with
You've said yourself you never want to touch him again. So you're happy to live the rest of your life without physical intimacy? Or would you consider asking him about an open relationship? My feeling about that is that he would refuse because it seems he's not at all concerned about the lack of intimacy, unfortunately.
I know it's not that easy to LTB. Your post in some ways reminds me of the issues I had during my marriage. From your anger and feeling like you despise him, to the weight problems caused by comfort eating. (I totally get the part about using the weight as a shield).
The only way forward that I can see, if you do want to stay together,is counselling. I understand your fears around it, same reason I avoided counselling when I was married. But I can't see any other way for you.
Why have you concluded that he is gay? Are there other signs.
He may have other issues to address.
I have very little self esteem, I feel like its just been beaten out of me. (Mentally).
I try to work as much as possible, so that we really are never together. (Shift work).
We just really hand over DS to each other.
Nothingthere - when I read your post I just had such a sense of sadness. I appreciate you are very, very angry now that this man has never dealt with his issues - whatever they are. Poor you. To try and put a positive spin on it: what is the best that you can hope for? Maybe that one day in the future you can co-parent with him on a friendly basis? With you perhaps being open to the possibility of having another relationship when this has all been untangled? It sounds like he is not going to fix himself. Time to leave?
The gay thing, maybe I am barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps he is better just not being intimate with anyone. He seems perfectly happy with that.
Its just a gut feeling.
The female body - he cannot touch it, and the only time he did (with me) he was only doing it to try and appease me. His comments were were blurted honesty. "Urgh I can't stand how that feels" and others along these lines.
Maybe I'm wrong.
He is drawn to gay men in a friendship way. Please don't flame me for that. Its just he only really has two and they are both gay. Nothing going on there I am absolutely sure of it.
Maybe you are hoping that he is gay so that you have a concrete and justifiable reason for separation and the lack of sex.
Could he have been abused as a child? Could be be asexual? If your gut instincts are saying he is gay, then perhaps he is. But that is not the only possibility for someone who is unable to be intimate with a woman. And yes, as others have said, a catholic upbringing can be quite damaging in some cases in terms of the guilt and self hatred it instills, their teachings about sexuality are pretty fearful and messed up IMHO.
I'm not hoping he is gay, I just think when I look back over the last few years, that he is trying very hard to be something he isn't. But I am not entirely sure what he is trying not to be.
I'm not sure if it really matters if he is gay or not. Proof that he isn't gay won't fix the relationship. He isn't sexually attracted to you and you can't bear to touch each other, you don't want counselling or to LTB. Maybe the best you can hope for atm is to co-parent as friends under one roof but that is unsustainable long term as is what you are doing now. Eventually you will have to take the leap, which will be awful, but worth it in the end.
I wouldn't dwell on the Catholic thing, there is a significant LGBTQ Catholic community. My upbringing is strict Catholic and I don't recall ever seeing affection between my parents. My mum didn't talk about periods let alone sex but I have had a rather fabulous sex life since I was 14
and in a convent school
His reaction to touching you is extreme but doesnt necessarily say 'gay' to me. In fact many gay men I know are fascinated by female anatomy.
It probably doesnt matter what the issue is. You have 3 options.
1. Put up with it
2. Try to resolve it (You definitely need counselling, together)
3. End the relationship
You just need to work out which of those options will make you happiest, in the long term.
There must have been a time in the past when you had a normal sex-life - when you first got together perhaps - or surely you wouldn't have progressed to marriage?
IThinkofHappy You are so right, I don't need to bring gay into it - do I. It makes no difference at all.
Got to go out now, then working til late tonight. But will be back to read.
Thank you for your input already, I feel better simply for getting it out of my head.
Cogito No it was never normal. Yes, we got married. I thought I could change it - make it better.
I was so wrong.
Then you either go down the counselling route or you cut your losses... sorry. Whether he's gay and in denial or straight with some serious hang-ups, this isn't going to go away.
It sounds to me like counselling could be helpful. There are relationship counsellors who specialise in sexual problems who might be able to help you both unravel what is going on.
I relate to an awful lot of what you say - years of dh not wanting to engage in any intimacy with me, any rare sex being joyless, feeling rejected, the comfort eating, the weight as a shield...
You might be right about the gay thing - but it might not necessarily be that. A couple of other thoughts that spring to mind are that he could be scared of intimacy and have lots of shame issues tied around sex. He might be a victim of some type of trauma and be having a PTSD reaction (probably not, but not impossible). He might have had his sexual technique totally panned by previous sexual partners and now feel really self conscious about that type of thing, he might be totally stressed out with work or similar and unable to emotionally engage. Or... it might be none of those things.
That's why I think it would be a good idea for a decent counsellor to try to get to the bottom of it because it is clear that he has some "issues" - and you having had your self esteem eroded over time have issues that need helping with too. You are both too close to what is going on, and amateur psychology on one another can be quite harmful - so having someone "outside" as it while exploring it in a safe space could help. You could go to Relate or there is this organisation: College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists
Good luck moving forward with it all. It really shouldn't be something you have to resign yourself too
Sorry, but if he was trying to have sex with you whilst you were alseep, then that's attempted rape. Doesn't matter that you'd asked him to make ore effort, etc. I think that is just another example of how this man is deeply, deeply sexually disturbed.
For me, that would be a dealbreaker. It should be for anyone. He clearly has no respect for you, never mind finding you repulsive (because of his own issues, not because you are, I don't thik that for a second) and the marriage sounds totally over. Most importantly, you sound like you are v strongly looking for 'permission' to leave him. Well, if it means anything, I give you permission! He tried to rape you, you should be leaving him.
I also worry for the effects your relationship with your H will have on your DS. His disgust of the female body and of anything sensual, and, as a result, his lack of respect for you as a woman, will manifest in many other ways, large or small and your DS will learn that this is how to view women, feel about them and treat them.
You can't stay because you feel sorry for him, want to be the one that heals and changes him ot because you're looking for an answer. You and your son deserve better.
Been brought up with a Catholic background, where you are taught that sex is "wrong" can really screw up your sex life. I wonder if he feels comfortable with gay friends, because he doesn't feel any pressure?
OxfordBags is quite right, of course.
Sorry, reading the original post made me instinctively think gay. As a Catholic I do think there are lots of catholic men who cannot/will not face up to their sexuality. Many of them escape in to the priesthood to avoid awkward questions and others bite the bullet and marry hoping it will "fix" itself. Of course, it doesn't.
Agree with others that there's nothing in what you've posted to indicate that he's gay. But his upbringing may have prevented him from developing a normal healthy sexuality (whether gay or straight), or he may have been abused, or he may be asexual. My husband isn't able to have a proper sexual relationship. I've given up trying to fix the problem and have accepted a celibate life (not that I'm advising you to do the same).
Everything that oxfordbags said.
This man doesn't make any effort to conceal his disgust of you.
This man tried to rape you.
That is a contemptible way to treat someone. But your self esteem is so eroded you think that this is as good as you'll ever get.
I know you don't want to hear LTB. But I really think you need to. This man is not a nice person.
I think he sounds terribly disturbed, something nasty in the woodshed at some point, but not ncessarily gay.
What is his family like? His parents?
I am more inclined to call gay than catholic. sure being catholic doesnt stop sex. catholic upbringing doesnt mean your dh cant get it up.
I can relate too. Dh hasnt touched me for 17 years. I was brought up Catholic. A very mysogynistic DM. I comfort ate for a few years then lost ten stone and had a long term affair. Affair ended 5 years ago. i comfort ate and put on 3 stone but am now eating healthily.
Dh isnt the one who had a Catholic upbringing. I am but i have no sexual hang ups. (well i wouldnt want to disrobe in front of anyone new until ive lost weight but thats the only hangup i have.
And attempting to have sex with you without your consent while you are sleeping is attempted rape.
my dh never used to kiss properly either. my ex OM would spend ages kissing me passionately though.
Darkesteyes I have read and related to all of your posts.
I can understand how an affair can happen, and thats something I never thought I could say. I find myself looking at men at work and thinking about having an affair with them. Dangerous territory, not proud to admit.
Its made me doubt everthing about myself.
Hully I never met his father, he died before I met him Oh god, his family are another thread altogether. Whilst I am sat here I have realised remembered some interesting things.
He has 5 siblings. None of them are in/have ever been in a lasting relationship.
The relationship they have with each other is beyond close, stiffling is a good description. They don't have other friends apart from each other.
My DH is the only one who has ever had a lasting relationship. But then, all that entails is destroying someone. I look at his first wife, and understand now why she is like she is. A shell of a woman.
He was violent to his first wife, and in another relationship he had. Big red flags all over this I know.
He has never even raised his voice to me, but then thats not the point.
And what happened the last time he attempted sex. Well deep down I know you are right, which is why it disturbed me so much.
Its doing me so much good to talk about this.
I wonder if he just hates women.
I was brought up in a strict catholic house in a strict catholic country and I'm telling you thats a red herring.
We were all out drinking and sleeping around just as much as you lot.
And the talk of repression and entering the priesthood - well yes maybe 60 years ago but now? No way.
No its not in anyway a reason.
It sounds like he hates you. Maybe all women? But certainly you.
Separate bedrooms might at least move you both forward and stop you from hiding so much from each other?
Just to clarify, I too am catholic.
I agree. I think he just doesn't like women.
Separate bedrooms I think. Certainly to start with.
This guy sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Separate bedrooms might be a short term solution while you get your head together. But I don't think you should waste any time trying to salvage a marriage with this person.
I agree, he sounds like a woman hater. And a dangerous one at that (if there can be such a thing as a non dangerous woman hater).
Red flags and alarm bells all over this one. Keep posting OP.
I think it sounds like their parents were abusive. The children have formed an over-close bond as a kind of protection and don't trust people.
Yes he could well be gay, but it is kind of a red herring.
But regardless, you need your own space so that you feel calm in your bed and that you have space to breathe.
Would you consider counselling again, as he was happy to try and you weren't ? Does the sex counselling have to be together at first if you or he is uncomfortable with it at first? He could go, and you both go to relationship counselling as well.
What does he say? You must both know you are unhappy and want to change - its if you want to keep your marriage or part.
If you want to try and fix it, you'll have to do something and I don't think from what you say it's fixable at home, it might be too complicated and need an outside and experienced ear.
Trying to have sex - he doesn't sound experienced and some men foolishly imagine women might like to be turned on like this.
I can see why you have lost confidence and say you have a weight gain. Subconsciously making yourself unattractive to blame that, but it's not right to do that as you know. It's not you! But it's eating away at you and sex is a normal and basic human need IMO.
If he has problems, which if he still wants to go to counselling may be solved, would you give it a go? And relationship counselling? What's to lose, especially if, as you say, leaving isnt that easy?
Counselling... Please just bite the bullet and go.
I suggest first you go alone- get out all the anger and hurt and feel good about yourself and try to figure out what it is you want... Then encourage him to come along. I think you will find out so much you didn't know about your husband and he will learn and connect so much better with you- what's in your heart...As my therapist said- sometimes it needs to get worse before it starts getting better... Scary but well worth it.
Is his mother still alive? If she is, what's their relationship like? Does he mention his childhood with fondness?
I also wonder about the word 'strict', sometimes it's used as a cover for 'cruel'.
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