Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am falling apart - please help

(72 Posts)
Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 10:43:20

DP left a couple of weeks ago and I am just not coping. I can't eat, can't sleep, drinking far too much, having major panic attacks. I thought I was strong, I could cope but I am not. To make matters worse I am in serious financial shit and because not feeling myself not seeing how to deal with it all. Talking inland Rev, mortgage company. Just realised I need to do a VAT return today ong. Since he left he has been back several times, we actually slept together last Friday, went for Sunday lunch had a nice time and then he just breezes of, it is doing my head in. It is a beautiful sunny day and all I can do is sob my heart out. Despite what people say on here, there is no OW, there really isn't, we were just we having issues and things came to a head. I asked him to leave and he did. Anyone who does not know we have been tog for 20 years and have a DS.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 10:47:10

I think you need some RL support and to detach yourself from this man 100%. No more him popping over casually and messing with your head - it's killing you. What practical help are you getting from friends & family? Do you have someone to help you with your finances? Have you consulted your GP?

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 10:50:21

Killing me is right, I feel so on the edge, I am so ashamed. I am truely pathetic. Friends have been kind family not much good. That is the point I feel I have no one to turn to. I feel completely adrift.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 11:00:21

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Break-ups are very emotional times, feelings are running high, rationality often goes out of the window and you wouldn't be the first or last person to sleep with their former partner. So please don't see yourself as pathetic - just human.

Give those friends another call if you're struggling. Or book some activities in your diary... an accountant perhaps to help you with the VAT return? A holiday away? It's so important to fill your time, otherwise you can find yourself going quietly nuts mulling over everything that has happened over and over again or tempted to call the ex and have them round for lunch etc. Your GP may even be able to help short-term with medication although that's not a path some people want to take.

In the meantime, we're quite a nice bunch on the MN Relationship board if you fancy a virtual brew

Nannytwotimes Tue 05-Mar-13 11:02:23

I agree that you need to detach completely. Do not meet him, let him come over or have conversations of more than a minute or two. The best way of coping is to take charge!

Busy yourself with the practicalities - do your VAt return, sort your money, pack up all his things (give him a time to come and fetch them, when you are out). Stop hoping he will come back. Be angry, shout, cry, hit something. I know 3 couples where the guy left with no OW, just mid-life crisis. The women are fine, enjoying new things, travelling, lots of friends ...... the men ........ Much the same as they always were.

There's usually a silver lining! Really - one door shuts and another opens!

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 11:22:01

Shamefully I did call him this morning and burst into tears, I know I am not helping things.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 11:29:13

You really have to find other things to do, turn off the phone, delete his number, bury your phone in the garden ..... whatever it takes. You asked him to leave and you have to follow through as best you can. Have you thought about talking to your GP?

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 11:35:24

I am not sure taking pills will help. All I want to do right now is beg him to come back., maybe it would be the best for all concerned. I not sure I can do this, sorry today is such a bad day. Poor DS is poorly on the sofa, I am having a major melt down about money. So scared I am going to loose the house. On the positive side actually made some money this morning.

Why did you ask him to leave?
You have to remember why this has happened!
Write it all down so you can see it in black and white.
Write down all the negatives and the reasons why it all came to a head.
Then read and re-read to remind yourself that you did all of this for good reasons.
I know how hard it is to ignore someone you love. I'm bloomin' useless at it, but you need to cut him off for the time being for your own sanity.

cestlavielife Tue 05-Mar-13 12:25:44

get your six nhs counsellnig sessions via gp - it wil really help.... call samaritans to talk it thru...you dont need to be suicidal to call them ... rather than calling him!

make a list.
put some things to lok forward to on another list.
focus on day to day hour by hour what you need to do today...

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 12:44:32

It is ironic I supported him through his MH issues and the slightest sign of my distress and he abandons me.
hells in answer to your question this was one of the issues. Also alcohol misuse, though can't say I am doing so well. Using wine as crutch right now. Well not this precise moment as trying to work

SueFawley Tue 05-Mar-13 13:11:10

Sorry to hear that you're really struggling OP.
I'd suggest that you have a read through your old threads. It's all there, all the proof you need that this relationship isn't working and hasn't been for a long time.
What you're feeling is normal, but it's essential that you stop having contact with him because it's just going to set you back more.
I suggest you make a list each day of things that you must do that day. Don't worry about tomorrow. VAT return obviously very very high priority.

amillionyears Tue 05-Mar-13 13:24:09

I cant make out from this thread whether you asked him to leave, or whether he walked out by himself.
Also cant actually work out whether you want him back or not.

SueFawley Tue 05-Mar-13 13:27:19

amillionyears, he was the one who left.

MiniTheMinx Tue 05-Mar-13 14:11:53

Why did you ask him to leave? are the issues totally insurmountable?
Do you still love him? Did he leave freely? Would he support you and help with the financial muddle? Practical help with it? Does he still love you?

cestlavielife Tue 05-Mar-13 14:46:01

you asked him to leave for good reason.
you cannot see him as abandoning you... was he present before when you were together, mutual support? or was it high drama and tension.

he is not the person who can help you thru this.

you need to find just one friend or family member who can.

if no one then call and speak to someone eg samaritans or a therapist.

know that after this you can live a life with much less drama up-and-down in it. life will be calm. you can focus on you and your DS. you can brush aside his dramas. let him handle them himself.

practical financial matters are just that.

go out for five minutes and feel the sun on your face. breathe. in peace. it is a new springtime for you.

then make a list

you can do this. you can get thru today and tomorrow will be better

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 14:48:33

mini it was kind of joint thing. Yes I do love him, yes he loves me. That is the problem. We have 20 year history. Yes have been problems but we always thought of each other as best mates.

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 14:50:04

cest your message has made me cry. I can hardly breathe right now

badinage Tue 05-Mar-13 15:13:36

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but this sounds more like co-dependence than love, especially if you've supported him through poor mental health and substance misuse.

Ultimately you are an individual and you will be able to survive without him and undoubtedly have a better life in the future. But he's really not being fair to you at the moment if he keeps popping back to the family home and having sex with you, when he's said the relationship is over. That must be a headfuck for you and your children too.

Try to put some boundaries in now and don't be tempted to beg him to come back. Do access as much help from other sources though while you wean yourself off him.

SueFawley Tue 05-Mar-13 15:17:56

OrchidLady please, take a look at your previous threads. This man was NOT your best mate. He's verbally abusive, he told you he doesn't fancy you anymore, he's left you before, he is alcohol dependent, he had very strong feelings for another woman ie his 'special friend' he told you about, this isn't half of it.
I know you're terribly upset about this but I think you need to see it clearly how it actually was so you can start to let go and move forward.

For those of us who've followed your many threads about this relationship it's clear that this relationship is toxic to you. He isn't your best mate.

C'estlavie is correct in what she says.

Do phone the Samaritans if you're finding it really hard today (you seem to be struggling a lot, I feel for you). I phoned them during my divorce at least four times and they do listen.

badinage Tue 05-Mar-13 15:25:33

Blimey shock

No, that's not love.

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 15:25:39

Thanks all, yes today is so bad I am finding it hard to think. Oh on positive side managed to do the VAT return done. I know he is fucked in the head, sure his happy go lucky attitude right now is an act, I know it is as was in tears the other day before he left. I suppose it is easier because he is out meeting people and I an trapped in the house with a poorly boy.

SueFawley Tue 05-Mar-13 15:38:49

Time for you to stop trying to get inside his head and fretting about how he's feeling and what he's thinking and doing. He's not your concern any longer. You need to focus on yourself (and DS of course).

Well done on the VAT return, you must feel better for having done it and it's one less thing to worry about.

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 15:48:00

Thanks sue I feel like a sad pathetic excuse of a human being. I am sure one day I feel nothing but contempt for him but all I can do right now is fret about what he is doing. I know I deserve better. Even at my old age I think I would be a catch, just seem to have lost all confidence in everything. I really need to pull myself together.

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 15:49:08

Oh and the sex last Friday was rubbish anyway

cestlavielife Tue 05-Mar-13 15:56:14

"stop trying to get inside his head and fretting about how he's feeling and what he's thinking and doing"

exactly - it is early days for you but that is a good thing to think about.

one lady told me she would visualise a box into which to put all thoughts of her ex, then put it at back of a cupboard to be forgotten ...when the thoughts come, banish them. leave him at your door. gone.

in a few months -well maybe you can think but in a different detached way .

what about arrangements for Ds to be with him?

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 16:36:26

Cest Well he does not have a suitable place for DS apparently. I asked him to buy DS a new mobile so can have contact which he did, still rings on the house phone though. I will always encourage them to have a relationship as I have always does but end of the day will be down to DP to be the grown up, lets see. He is miffed that DS1 has not bothered to call him ( not his son but know him since he was 2)

badinage Tue 05-Mar-13 22:28:27

So he's walked out and is living in a place where your DS can't go you say? Do you know where he's living?

raenbow Tue 05-Mar-13 23:05:54

Orchid lady sorry you are having a 'blip' today. But that's all it is a temporary thing. Getting involved with him again has made you feel part of his life again and it won't do you any good . I agree with the others detach detach detach! It truly helps . A month ago I felt just like you (and I still have my moments) but they are getting further and fewer between. I get up and it's not the first thing I think of in the morning nor last at night and you will too. Give yourself time and space and you will look back on it and see it wasn't good for you . Your self esteem is bound to be at a low but as they' say ' the only way is up baby ' !! (:
Have you had any financial advice ? What about the CAB or your bank if debts Consumer Credit council (or Step Change as they now seem to be called for advice http://www.stepchange.org/) .

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 09:26:45

Thanks for all the kind words and sensible advise. Spoke to DF last night to let him know and got "well you were not very nice to him the last time I saw you" WTF, so much for support from your own family. Mind you were are talking about someone that divorced 20 years ago and will not be in the same room as my mum. Having real trouble sleeping so guess this will not be helping. Will vow not to call him today despite how bad I feel. He does not deserve me.
raen goodness after 1 month you are feeling better that is great, hope I am like that

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 06-Mar-13 09:41:29

The only way you will feel better is if you detach. Only have contact if it relates to child care/contact.

Stop thinking about what is in his head.

Focus on yourself and DC.

Get financial and legal advice.

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 10:58:08

mad if only it was that simple sad. Having a better morning though, poor DS still off school and feeling poorly. Lucky I work from home so able to care from him. He has not heard from his Dad at all.

flossfour Wed 06-Mar-13 11:09:14

Orchidlady, I really feel your pain. Went through exact same feelings 13 years ago when DH ran off with 'best friend'. Went through a few mobile 'phones (throwing at wall after talking to him). Only looking back can I see what I should have done - just let him go and had no further contact unless it was about children. However, if someone had told me that then I would have said they did not know what they were talking about. So, the only advice I can give you is this: Firstly, please, please go and see your doctor. You do not have to take any pills for them to be of great help, I promise you! Secondly, try and keep a diary of your feelings - you will one day be astounded when you look back. Thirdly, if you can listen to one thing only, let it be this: your DS needs to now more than ever, be there for your children as much as you can and no, time doesn't heal all wounds but, believe me, there will come a day when you will be able to live with this wound - without crying too!!! Promise!

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 11:22:55

floss thank you.It means a lot, so nice to hear from people who have been through the same thing. My family are really rubbish to talk, I am so pissed off with my DF after last nights conversation. I know one day I will be ok. I might just go and see the GP and get something to help me sleep, I think that it why I am ill, I never get sick ,so probably run down. DS, he actually seems ok, unfortunately he will soon see how self entitled and what a bad father is. I have tried to shield it from him for years

boyfromipinema Wed 06-Mar-13 11:30:43

Better or wrose then filling in the VAT return?

flossfour Wed 06-Mar-13 11:35:36

If you are anything like the rest of us, you will probably go to doctor thinking you are wasting their time - and then burst into tears as soon as you sit down!!! Honestly, just going to one appointment makes you feel better without tablets (although don't dismiss Prozac - highly recommend it to all my friends!).

And will probably help you if you can refrain from hitting all 'friends/family' who tell you everything's going to be alright without telling you how or giving you a time frame!!!! If I remember rightly, I'm sure I had a few screaming fits at those people!! xx

boyfromipinema Wed 06-Mar-13 11:42:07

sorry orchidlady. My comment was a lighthearted comparison to the 'sex was crap last friday' comment you made.
No offence intended. I know how hard this must be for you as going through it myself.
Keep your chin up.

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 11:56:01

boy no offence taken smile. Was about as boring as the VAT form. He really is rubbish in the sack. It was so confusing as he instigated it. Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time, care to share?
floss I have actually got some prozac but might be out of date, never did get round to taking it when last prescribed. Not screamed at anyone yet,did have a major melt down on Sunday and DS had to call my friend blush So ashamed thought I was doing so well

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 14:57:17

First time I have been hungry and he calls me in the middle of lunch. He wanted to know how DS, told him is not well and I said why don't you call him. According to him he was perfectly when the 5 minutes he was here on Monday. Seemed to want to chat but I was cool and calm, said he would call me later, why? Think he might be missing someone to talk with. It was hard but strangely empowering. It seems the cooler I am the more he wants to talk, how very odd

SueFawley Wed 06-Mar-13 16:51:02

Orchid, now is a good time for you to set some boundaries. If you're busy doing something eg eating your lunch, don't answer the phone when he calls. You no longer have to jump when he whistles. Set the boundaries yourself. Don't get into idle chat with him.
There's a very strong chance that he still sees you as his soft place to land. I'd bet my house on it actually. Plus, he doesn't want to feel like the bad guy, so he's trying to be 'friends'. Don't read anything more into his behaviour than that.

And by all means go to your GP. floss is spot on in what she said.

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 17:06:44

Thanks sue did not know it was him, was not expecting him on my work phone. Not sure why he phoned really. I think it might be dawning on him that life is not so fantastic on his own.

badinage Wed 06-Mar-13 19:43:29

I doubt that. More likely he is looking to keep you sweet if his current life doesn't work out so that he can return home and carry on being propped up despite being abusive, an alcoholic, rubbish in bed and a bad father. How many of these 20 years were actually good and happy? When did you last feel that you were an equal partner who was desired, cherished and supported?

raenbow Wed 06-Mar-13 22:19:44

I agree with Sue Orchid set boundaries now. You have to let him know that you are no longer a sounding board for him . My ex will come round( though not recent as I don't invite him into my home anymore )he tells me about his business and new business opportunities as I think he's forgotten I no longer do that. So I told him actually I am not really interested in what he does beyond his involvement with the children. It has really helped me detach from him as I was gettng to the point when every time I had contact I would get upset or angry and things escalated to email or text arguments and it was not good for me and I was investing too much energy into it all .

It has been a long month , hell its been a long six months since i left but i would say Channel all of your energies into your son and yourself do some things you enjoy and surround yourself with people whoake you feel good . Sorry your DF was negative when you told him I would then confide in others who support you .Hope DS is better too!!

cestlavielife Wed 06-Mar-13 23:20:52

Stop thinking about what he might be feeling or thinking...you can't be inside his head and anyway it doesn't matter. His feelings his problem. His actions over the years have shown you enough...

Think about you and ds. Think about what you think and feel and addres that.

Not him.

Orchidlady Thu 07-Mar-13 12:04:30

All I want to do is beg him to come back sad poor DS is ill still, I am panicking about money, can't concentrate on my job. I am a mess. Have some Fluoxetine on my desk ( prescribed before but never took) maybe a should start taking but worried about taking them. Keep trying to talk myself around but just not working

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 12:38:36

Have you considered that letting a bloke like this back into your life would be very selfish towards your son?

His life must have been a nightmare living with someone who took so much from family life. When the focus should have been on him, it must have been diluted massively by your husband's selfish needs. You're an adult and have had the choice to live with such a selfish man. Your boy has had no choice.

Your older lad has got the measure of him and that's why he hasn't called him. He's probably made his life a bloody misery too.

Maybe you need to see this through their eyes and not just your own? You say you've tried to shield your younger boy from your husband's problems but there's no hiding place from an alcoholic abusive tosser.

Everyone's giving you the same advice. Detach from him and start putting you and your sons first. Start seeing the new lease of life you'll have without this drain on your lives.

Orchidlady Thu 07-Mar-13 12:54:10

Even if I asked him he would not come back, he does not want me. Both boys love him, he is not all bad. Yes MH issues, for some reason all I can focus on is the good stuff right now. I just can't help the pain I feel. It has only been 2 weeks and just not getting any better. Sorry I sound pathetic and wesk

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 13:09:11

But other posters are saying it wasn't just MH issues.

With regard to the boys, you can still love someone who's made your life a misery. You do, after all.

When did you last feel you were adored, cherished and that you could rely on him completely Orchid? Please answer that question.

Orchidlady Thu 07-Mar-13 13:25:01

I think most of his behaviour is down to MH issues. I think/thought he has always loved me,well maybe not but. I can not rely on him to do a lot of things

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 13:26:46

I don't.

I've known several people with depression. They are not abusive alcoholics.

You didn't answer the question.

cestlavielife Thu 07-Mar-13 16:26:32

even if it were down to MH issues, someone with severe mh issues is not best placed to support you are they? "love" is not enough.

but agree with badinage, depression does not = all the things he has done.

but as you said, he doesnt want to come back..and if he did you would go right back to square one.

sit and talk to your DS.
ask them if life is better calmer now - (so long as you can move forward too)

Orchidlady Fri 08-Mar-13 09:15:18

Feeling a little better today, don't know why. Had a good chat with db last night. He knows him well, loves him to bits but said obviously he has been well for sometime. Poor DS is still poorly let him stay off school again today.

SueFawley Fri 08-Mar-13 09:52:54

OL, glad you're feeling a bit better today.

So now's the time for you to take that slight improvement in mood and use it to your advantage. It's time to get tough here. It's also time to see your relationship with exDP as it really was. I've only ever read your many threads about this relationshp and it's clear it's toxic. Go back and read some of your previous threads, you need to get the rose tinted specs off and start to feel angry about this.
I remember a thread about a year ago, perhaps early summer last year where you'd asked him to leave. Everything you wrote then is what you're writing now. Point I'm making is that a year has passed and nothing has changed. In fact it's getting worse.
My feeling is that if he hasn't got an OW then at some point he will come back. But when he does, don't ever believe it's because he loves you and is contrite and is going to make you happy. He will come back just because it suits him and he because he is thriving in this toxic relationship.

SueFawley Fri 08-Mar-13 10:33:06

Also OL, now that he's gone, what steps have you taken to protect your finances? Do you have any joint debts, accounts etc?

Orchidlady Fri 08-Mar-13 12:04:51

Have read the threads, I think I have just got to thinking this is normal and deserve nothing better. Had a good convo with DB last night, he thinks is not well. I think he will want to come back, hope I am strong enough to say no, there is no OW. I think he trying to replay his Dad's life.

Was up very early this morning and have really sorted out finances, such a relief. Have spoke with all creditors and made arrangements. Working well today. smile

SueFawley Fri 08-Mar-13 12:14:21

It's not normal. You do deserve better.
Please go to your GP and get some counselling, your self esteem is on the floor, understandably after so long in such a relationship.
Rebuilding your self esteem is the first priority, and you'll feel tons better.

Well done with finances. I don't know anything about financial liabilities for couples who are/have been living together, but do make sure there's no way he can cause any problems with any joint debts etc.

Orchidlady Fri 08-Mar-13 12:46:50

Actually he is being better with finances, has paid over £800 in last 2 weeks. Also giving me £200 in cash tomorrow so not complaining. He is not vindictive in that way. Thanks for your support sue. I can not leave the house as DS too ill, and he going to but some things for us, after work

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 13:39:29

Sorry to read that you are still making excuses for him OrchidLady

You simply don't know as a fact that there is no OW. Your ex lied to you about his relationship with the woman who allegedly died recently. Remember, when he was seeing her on a professional basis and then left you and said he was going to live with her, you would have said then that she was just a friend and that there was no affair. Astonishingly, you still say that now despite him telling you recently that there were months of secret meetings and encounters you knew nothing about. The alleged presence of her husband and your blind denial about his ability to be unfaithful to you seemed to get in the way of seeing the truth then, but it's incredible that it's stopping you now.

The fact is, he has ended the relationship even though it should have been you ending it years ago.

Why would he do that?

Why would he give up a life with someone who enabled his alcoholism, his drink-driving, his refusals to have sex and his untreated depression?

I'm sure he will want to come back when he needs mothering again.

But with any luck, he will stay away for good and realise that he doesn't love you in the true sense of the word and that this relationship hasn't been fulfilling either of your romantic needs. Also that it's a destructive relationship in which to raise children.

I'm sure you'll take him back if he asks and will again put your relationship with him above your son's needs again. Which is terribly sad, but a natural progression from the denial you are in at the moment about this relationship.

Similarly, I have the feeling that you're hiding a bit behind your son's illness and the inability to get out and do some shopping, in order to get your ex to come to the house again tonight. Your son is 12. Is he really so ill that he couldn't have been left while you nipped to some shops? No neighbour that could have kept an eye on him? No facility to do some online shopping?

cestlavielife Fri 08-Mar-13 14:02:41

tell yourself to stop thnking about him and how he is feeling or thinking.."I think he trying ..." it will get you no where.

and dont depend on him for shopping as charbon said. get online - you can get a delivery tomorrow, order in a takeaway, nip out to local shop for basics.
by allowing yourself to depend on him you will never move on.

you need to change your midnset. ti is hard. therapy can help.

Orchidlady Fri 08-Mar-13 14:08:40

Have tried therapy and not comfortable with that. I actually think it is the least he can do, I do not see it a a negative tbh. DS does not want to be left alone and we are very rural, so no one here. When he is here there is not horrible atmosphere weirdly. Having to deal with this in my own way which probably seems strange to most people. And the money is very helpful right now.

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 14:50:18

Of course he should be paying money but he should ideally be seeing his son outside of your home. Him coming to the house is not allowing you to detach or your son to accept that mum and dad's personal relationship is over. You are enabling exP again by making it easy for him to be a father.

Your son or you will be ill at some point in the future. It really is best to rely on your own resources from now on to prepare for those times.

Your response isn't strange to me at all. It's a familiar one from somone who is co-dependant and in denial. I can imagine why therapy isn't comfortable for you.

SueFawley Fri 08-Mar-13 14:51:36

OL it really wasn't clear to me that you felt that you had your 'own way' to deal with your situation. From your posts it did sound as if you were really reaching out for support as well as constructive advice.
I'm sorry I misinterpreted because it really is horrid to be getting advice when you don't want it and feel that you don't need it.

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

Orchidlady Mon 11-Mar-13 14:43:21

I am having such a hard time, why can't I just move on and start mending my broken heart. I really want to hate him but can't. Had virtually no sleep last night kept waking up, I am just so bloody tired.

Orchidlady Wed 13-Mar-13 12:46:49

Well maybe I should change the title because I seem to be turning a corner. I am actually eating again and for the first time I slept to whole night through, can't say how good that feels, that constant feeling of panic is fading. I am learning to detach, just can't believe it shock. He has been telling people he needs to get is head sorted. well good for him, I am starting to feel the anger. Now thinking of practical things like how much money to ask for and set days when can see DS. Any ideas on this?

I've been following this thread.
I'm so glad you feel you are finally turning that corner.
Things will start to improve now.
I don't think I slept for about 3 months when my marriage broke down.
I was just running on adrenalin.
But... time is a great healer and you are doing great.
Keep strong and well done!

Orchidlady Wed 13-Mar-13 13:27:45

Thanks hells I took advice from people here and re read all my past threads and stared making a list of all the negative/positive things about our relationship. This has helped me see what a self entitled fuckwit he really is. Sadly my DS sees him as a victim, hope that changes.

sadly my DS sees him as a victim, hope that changes

Well it probably will when your exP realises that you are over him and moving
on with your life and not his emotional pillow anymore. You might see him a lot more clearly then!

Orchidlady Wed 13-Mar-13 15:20:37

theNorth not sure what you mean, I think I really am beginning to see him for what he really is. For me the turning point came the other day when I yet again told DP that he should make an effort to call DS as he was upset. His response was that DS was manipulative and always had been, and that DS2 was selfish and self centred because he had not been in touch since the break up. Ok then, just wondering who the adult is in all this

I just meant that when you start cutting loose from him he might get a bit nasty so be prepared to maybe see a side of him that you have not experienced so far - your DS may witness it as well. At the moment he pops round, sleeps with you and then breezes off - he might not be such a happy bunny when that is not on offer anymore. I haven't read your other threads but he seems to be quite abusive and abusers are known for cycling through the nice nasty nice nasty routine depending on what they think will achieve their aims.

Agree with everyone who suggests no contact - distance will give you clarity and maybe that is why you are starting to see him for what he really is. I suspect with your DS's he is projecting - it's really him that's self centred and manipulative.

Orchidlady Thu 14-Mar-13 10:14:11

Thanks North. You are right projecting

DS has finally seen his dad place, shabby room in a house and yes was a mad dog, so for once he was telling the truth. When he dropped son off, I did not engage, he said he would call me tomorrow, ok still trying mind games. DS had a good time with his dad but then became very argumentative and rude, think he is finding hard. Another good day today , sun is shining, off to homebase after work to buy paint for the bedroom, my bedroom smile

raenbow Sat 16-Mar-13 07:20:28

Great idea orchid painting is so therapeutic and will give you a great sense of achievement ! The nice nasty nice thing is so true North stbxh is currently in Nasty mode (albeit dressing it up as reasonable) but I know it won't last .
It is tough he is angry with you Orchid but using the kids to get at you because he can. Desperation and guilt will do funny things to a bloke.
Keep strong avoid contact and lmove on. It's not going to be easy you will tick along for a while then reach a hurdle and falter but every day you get stronger and he loses his power over you.

Orchidlady Tue 19-Mar-13 09:38:55

Came down with a horrible bug on Sunday evening, I was doing so well. Xdp turned up yesterday with loads of fresh fruit and pain killers,cleaned the kitchen for me. Also turned up first thing to drive DS to school, unfortunately DS now has my bug. Not sure what to make of all this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now