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Really fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!

(68 Posts)
NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:17:26

DH is under a lot of stress at work at the moment and has taken it out on DD (7) twice this week.... First time he really told her off for putting a bit of the soap in a cup to make a perfume while in the bath, he said he had told her not to touch teh soap as a year ago she put it all over the bath... We had a row about how he'd spoken to her.

Now this evening DD and DS (4) where in bed reading for half an hour before lights out. They both needed the loo so came into teh bathroom where I was having a bath, after they'd been they had a little chat with me and were being really sweet, DH came up the stairs and went mad because they were making noise and he's told them to be quiet... He made DD cry... He then swore (saying get into fucking bed), I told him not to swear and to stop swearing, he called me a stupid woman, I then said again not to speak to me like that and he said "I'll speak to you however I want to speak to you".... I am fucking FURIOUS....

i would be too. how to make life unpleasant...

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:24:21

I just feel shaky and sick, I actually feel like leaving him

Gigondas Sun 03-Mar-13 20:25:23

Being stressed isn't a license to be a cunt and bully your family z. I am not surprised you are upset.

ErikNorseman Sun 03-Mar-13 20:25:31

I would be furious too. How dare he bully his children and disrespect you in that way? He sounds like a right joy-sucker.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:28:33

Disgusting behavior - he had better be contrite about this and mortified and embarrased. I have been stressed +++ at work recently and i am ashamed to say i have had zero patience with DD (7) and have been a cunt on a stick to my DP. But i recognise this and have taken steps (seen my Dr for one thing) to try and put this right - told my DP i am so sorry etc. If your DH cannot do this then I would not blame you if you DID leave.

Fleecyslippers Sun 03-Mar-13 20:29:16

No don't leave but tell him to pack a bag and go and sleep under his desk or in his van. You can guarantee that he won't be telling his boss to sit on the fucking chair tomorrow. Or telling his secretary that he'll speak to her however he wants to speak to her/him.

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:30:27

He has real issues with apologising and/or admitting he was wrong. Practically I don't think we could leave and I don't think I could ask him to either but I really fucking wish I could at the moment!

pinkpaws Sun 03-Mar-13 20:31:11

Have been here myself as hard as it is i have found not getting into it right there and then helps. Give it some time an hour or so and then say you need to talk about it . Calmly explain how upset he is making everyone and ask him what is REALLY wrong . I know this is hard when all you want to do is pack his bag for him but trust me in the long term it works and he must at some point say he is sorry to the children very important .

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:35:41

He has stormed off upstairs to the bedroom, as if I'm the one being unreasonable, I feel like going up there and telling him he's a cunt blush

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:37:56

excellent post pinkpaws and yes, he must apologise to the kids and make sure this doesn't happen again. You could talk about strategies to ensure that if things are getting too much (my DD really pushes my buttons when i am stressed blush) even if he just goes for a walk.

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 20:38:15

Hes acting like a child... I really wouldn't stand for it.

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:38:47

I could understand if they were being naughty but they were being lovely, just telling me how happy they were sad

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 20:39:14

Is this a one-off?

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:39:52

Maybe he is embarrased - could you swallow your pride, make him a cup of tea (i know i know!) and tell him that this HAS to be discussed.

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:43:13

He goes through bad tempered/moody phases, usually every 6 months or so and last for about a week, life gets really difficult then he's fine again,

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:45:10

Is there a reason for this? Does he have appraisals at work at those times?

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:45:21

I'm sick of having to be the one who tries to make up, or if I want to discuss it he somehow manipulates it to try and make it seem like it was me in the wrong, or it just fizzles out and we start talking again and it's not discussed again.

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 20:45:30

Maybe tea and discussion called for when he has calmed down. Not good though...

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:46:48

He owes DC and I an apology, I'm fucking sick of him.

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:47:08

I agree with talking to him calmly. If he's fine the vast majority of the time I'd want to know exactly what is making him behave in such an awful way.

LittleEdie Sun 03-Mar-13 20:47:37

Why would it be difficult to leave?

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:48:57

I couldn't afford to leave, I'm a sahm.

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:49:00

Yes he does need to talk and apologise for his behaviour. The dc cannot grow up thinking its normal to just shout and swear at peoplesad

Does he want his dc to behave like this when they are older?

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 20:49:16

He has to try to communicate more. We all make mistakes but in order to stop repeating them he needs to figure out why he does it and what he can do as an alternative to taking it out on the kids.

pinkpaws Sun 03-Mar-13 20:49:52

You can tell him he is a cu..t sorry i hate that word cant bring myself to type it but anyway just not right now it will have no impact . when he shouts you stay calm drop the tone of your voice dont raise it it has a much bigger impact . And if he really will not talk to you calmly exclude him from family life take the children out do fun happy things without him you would be very surprized how quickly they come round. Men are like children sometimes you just need to ignore the bad behaviour

I do think telling him to leave, at least temporarily, is a good idea. He needs a demonstration of the fact that you are not a servant, a pet or his inferior and that you have the power (and every right) to end the marriage and throw him out if he can't behave in a civilised fashion.

LittleEdie Sun 03-Mar-13 20:52:02

It must be awful having to explain his behaviour to the DCs when they were just being nice.

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 20:55:46

Does he have any redeeming features? I don't mean that sarcastically just asking if he needs help with work issues?

joblot Sun 03-Mar-13 20:58:09

I imagine your kids will have been shaken up by his behaviour. They won't forget it and will be damaged by it unless he completely accepts responsibility and apologizes in earnest to them

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:00:28

Apart from his short fuse and occasional moodiness he is a fantastic Dad, very hands on and playful with our DC, works hard and helps out around the house when he's not working.

DD is really upset, I've tried to explain to her, just went into her room, she is still awake...

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 21:03:27

You need to try to help him... sounds like he could be bottling things up and feeling a lot of pressure. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will not be tolerated again and he needs to address it.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Mar-13 21:04:54

No, he isn't a fantastic Dad

on a regular basis, he treats you like the Hired Help, confuses his kids, swears at them and makes them cry

that is not a "fantastic father"

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:04:55

Why is he so stressed?

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:11:09

QuickLookBusy - He's got his uni dissertation to hand in the week after next and is also working full time

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:26:30

Well I expect he is stressed then. But he needs to acknowledge his behaviour is unacceptable and that it won't happen again.

My DH behaved like this a couple of times, although he didn't swear at the dc, he shouted at them for no reason at all.
He was extremely stressed at work and I told him that while I sympathised it was totally unacceptable for a father to speak to his DDs like that. I asked him how he would feel if the DDs let a boyfriend speak to them as he had, because if he carried on they would think this was normal behaviour. He did get the message and apologised.
I also realised that DH's father spoke like this to him as a child, he is very short tempered so DH thought it was normalsad.

squishyotter Sun 03-Mar-13 21:28:27

Sounds like he is being very petulant and incredibly unreasonable. He's now alienated his kids by yelling at them, and annoyed you by being unnecessarily rude. Don't really understand what he intended to achieve save for demonstrating (to who? himself?) that he is in charge and what he says goes.

He is being selfish and seriously taking for granted the joy that he must surely feel most of the time through being a parent and a husband.

I think he needs to sleep in the spare room/couch tonight and open up, engage in understanding why he is getting like this and forge a method of dealing with it - whether through self awareness and learning to count to 10 and walk away when he is angry, or getting external guidance and support to enable him perhaps to better understand himself, and his triggers.

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:28:42

I am quite short tempered if they are annoying me and I have told them to stop i.e being noisy and running around the house while I am trying to read or bickering, then I will shout at them. DH always brings this up if I question his strictness/short fuse.

ErikNorseman Sun 03-Mar-13 21:29:46

How often do you treat your children like that? Shout and yell at them for no reason with no care to their emotional well being? I bet never. Because you are actually a good parent. He is not.

ErikNorseman Sun 03-Mar-13 21:30:10

Excuses.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Mar-13 21:31:31

Do you swear at your kids ?

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:35:08

No I don't swear at them, I have said oh ffs a few times in the past but never sworn at them

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:36:13

Everyone is short tempered sometimes.
But swearing at your dc is not ok. Neither is not apologising to them when you are in the wrong.

nickelbabe Sun 03-Mar-13 21:41:20

I remember your last thread about the soap.
iirc you were told you were unreasonable.
idon't think you were, now you?ve done this one.

I agree with the poster who said that if he doesn't lose his temper like that with his boss and workmates then he shouldn't be doing it to his family.
if he does then he needs therapy. if he doesn't then he's being abusive.

I agree that you should pack him a bag for tonight.

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 21:47:51

To paraphrase your 'oh ffs', I wish I had £1 for every time a pisspoor excuse for a father is described as a 'fantastic dad'.

What does shouting at dc as matter of course achieve? It seems to me the routineness of being yelled at is likely to make them turn a deaf ear to any warning that is, of necessity, bellowed at megadecibels such as 'STOP' as they approach the edge of a cliff, riverbank, or other equally hazardous place.

something2say Sun 03-Mar-13 21:54:53

Don't let this pass you by, op. for your self respect, the needs of your children and the respect of your husband.

I'd leave him a note or send a text or email saying that the rel is at risk unless he apologises.

Prepare for a bit of Cold War until he says sorry to everyone. I'd think of something he must do as a punishment as well.

Don't give in love xx

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:13:37

Stress at work/exams is never an excuse for abuse. You say you would love to ask him to leave as you know hes not right but already making excuses for him -hes a good dad- doesn't happen often - is under stress!!! Finances are not a good reason to leave your dcs in a family when they don't know when they are going to get abused.

Socrates91 Sun 03-Mar-13 22:23:46

OP he sounds exhausting to live with and a misogynistic jerk. I would definitely not let go his behaviour particularly his vile remark "stupid woman" unless you want to be treated as a second class citizen in your own home. Love is built on mutual respect and he doesn't seem to have much for you if he thinks it's all right to speak down to you this way. If he refuses to see the error of his ways then its time to leave for your sake and the children.

NaughtyBetty Mon 04-Mar-13 08:57:15

It's always the same thing we argue about, the way he speaks to the DC, DD in particular. It has been a recurrent thing, usually every 6 months of so we have a huge blow up about it. We can't afford to leave, we have nowhere to go, the rest of the time things are fine, these are the hard facts of the matter - not excuses.
He also would have literally nowhere to go. He took himself down to the sofa last night hmm and DS (2) woke in the night crying for him until he took him downstairs with him.
I think the solution would be counselling, we looked into it before but it was too expensive and DH is pretty anti therapy, even though he has no experience of it, he resents being told what to do.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 09:04:56

He picks on one of your children ?

Treats your DD worse than the other(s)?

Have you any idea what damaging lessons that is teaching her?

I am sorry to inform you of this, but as your dd grows up, she will slowly come to realise that you have not protected her from him, and that you value your relationship with this tool over her emotional well being

NaughtyBetty Mon 04-Mar-13 09:10:41

What would you suggest I do?

NaughtyBetty Mon 04-Mar-13 09:13:28

I wouldn't say he treats her worse, DD does get told off more (generally by us both) because she doesn't do what she's told as often as her brothers, she can be quite hard work, but at times DH can be really intolerant.

GLady Mon 04-Mar-13 09:24:02

You need to tell him to leave

This isnt a one off, he is paving the way for treating you and DD like this ALL the time

If you let it go this time, you are showing him its ok

targaryen24 Mon 04-Mar-13 09:27:40

There really is no excuse. I'm a single mum, barely get a break, have a 2yr old boy & am studying for a degree. I get so stressed you wouldn't believe it yet I would never treat my DS like that. I do what any sane adult would do & leave the room if my buttons are being badly pushed.

And to talk to you like that in front of your DCs is disgusting, with no apology either. Without sounding harsh, do you really want your boys to think that's an ok way to treat women?

It helps to try and picture it from an outside perspective too. What would you advise a close friend to do if she told you her DH had spoken to her like that?
If she told you he went through periods like that wouldn't you tell her to run a mile? Maybe he knows you're financially trapped. He certainly thinks it's ok to talk to you like that for some reason hmm

Sorry to hear this btw, I'd be fuming !! thanks

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 10:02:14

hi, OP, I am just wondering what you think you can do about it, but more importantly whether you are going to stand by whilst he carries on treating you all like second class citizens and sponges to mop up his inadequacy

You won't leave. You don't want him to leave. He refuses professional help with the relationship. He thinks he does no wrong.

What will change ? Nothing.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 10:08:34

I just realised I deleted a sentence when I edited my post

"why don't you expect him to do something about it" should have been in there too

Blu Mon 04-Mar-13 10:09:24

I would pick a time when you are not rowing, when things are calm and tell him you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel when he acts like that, how the children feel, describe how your DC were saying how happy they were when he barged on and swore and made them cry.

And tell him that counselling isn't about telling him what to do, it's about couples sorting out how they communicate with each other. And that when he did this last night you felt you wanted to leave him, and you know that each time he does this the feeling will grow, and the elasticity with which you can ping back into good times gets less and less. And you don't think either of you wnat that. Therefore it needs sorting. Either by him seeking support for his stress management, or by couples counselling or both.

"I'll speak to you however I want to speak to you"

And there you have it. This is what he actually thinks. I hope you are going to make sure he doesn't continue to think that this is ok.

I'm not surprised you are bloody furious. Hope this doesn't get brushed under the carpet, because if it does, he will continue to treat you and your dcs this way whenever he feels like it.

garlicbrain Mon 04-Mar-13 10:39:22

I was just about to post exactly the same as Scarlet.

Betty, you've got to make a big issue out of it or it'll keep on happening. DD will learn to modify her creativity in case Dad would shout at her. DS the same, only he'll also learn to shout at his sister as that's what men do.

My twunt radar is so finely tuned these days, that one sentence alone would be enough for me to LTB. I realise this isn't among your plans at the moment, so get as close as you dare!

Exile him until his dissertation's in. If he can't behave like a reasonable human being around his family while under stress, then make sure the irrational bully doesn't have a family at such times.

garlicbrain Mon 04-Mar-13 10:42:22

Your kids sound lovely, btw, and so do you. The little bathroom scenes you've described are delightful! (Well, until Mr I. Am messed them up angry)

Morloth Mon 04-Mar-13 11:29:06

He can speak to you/your DD anyway he likes.

You are allowing your children to be emotionally abused because it is too hard to leave?

He already knows how this makes you feel, that is why he does it.

nickelbabe Mon 04-Mar-13 13:50:44

"I think the solution would be counselling, we looked into it before but it was too expensive and DH is pretty anti therapy, even though he has no experience of it, he resents being told what to do."

this is dangerous.
he resents being told what to do, so he won't get help for his anger?
that's fucking bollocks.

Blu Mon 04-Mar-13 14:05:36

I agree, do not brush it under the carpet.

Tell him it isn't acceptable to swear at the children, or to speak to you like that, or to speak to you like that in front of the children. And if he is so stressed that he can't control himself he needs to move out until his dissertation is done.
And / or at the slightest repeptition of anything like this behaviour, calmly gather up the kids and call a taxi and go to a Travelodge. Tell them you are leaving Daddy in time out until he calms down because it isn't good behaviour to speak to people like that.

Socrates91 Tue 05-Mar-13 01:36:54

Please don't take this the wrong way OP but this is the exact reason why married women must be financially independent. I doubt he would talk to you this way if you had a small inheritance knowing full well that you could leave at anytime. He knows you are dependent on him and is exploiting this to serve his selfish need to control you and your children. I feel for your daughter who I fear is and will continue to be treated much worser than her brothers.

This is not a nice man.

OP is he mean with money too?

TisILeclerc Tue 05-Mar-13 05:55:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sianilaa Tue 05-Mar-13 07:39:33

So he doesn't like women? He thinks you're a "stupid woman" who he can treat as he pleases, plus your daughter is treated worse than her brothers. That is so unbelievably awful.

My DH once swore at me, under his breath but in front of the DC. I got several bin bags, filled it with his stuff and threw it out of the window into the front garden. I told him I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that by anyone, let alone the person who is supposed to love me, in my own home and in front of my young children. He was distraught but it taught him that I will not accept it. I'm a SAHM, doesn't mean I have to put up with being treated badly and neither should you.

I agree with the poster who said he is unlikely to swear at his boss so he CHOOSES to treat you this way.

OneHandFlapping Tue 05-Mar-13 07:45:23

"He has real issues with apologising and/or admitting he was wrong."

This is the mark of a grade A knob. Does he think he's the Pope or something?

AnyFucker Tue 05-Mar-13 08:57:07

Even the last Pope admitted he wasn't up to The Job.

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