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Lonely

(66 Posts)
secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 18:53:49

It's a difficult feelings isn't it? Does anybody else sometimes just feel so incredibly lonely?

I find Sundays the worst for it, especially Sunday nights sad

StuffezLaBouche Sun 03-Mar-13 19:05:27

I do too sometimes. Much as i love my house, my space etc., i do wish i had someone to cuddle up with and feel all butterfly-ish about. Hey ho tho. :-(

Same.
secret - do you mean lonely in a relationship, or lonely alone?
I've been in a relationship where i've never felt as lonely in my whole life. I'm now single, and whereas often lonely (single parent, no real friends etc) it's much more preferable than being in a relationship like that again.

I was just thinking the exact same OP! Still, rather be alone than unhappy

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 19:19:49

Lonely alone for me. I definitely agree that it's better to be lonely alone than to be in a bad relationship - have a lot of sympathy for those in that position. All the same, I feel like a large section of life is sometimes cut off to me. Things like going out for a meal, going on holiday, weekends away are all aimed at couples or at families and it would be nice to be able to do these things. Oh, I know I could do them alone but I wouldn't get any real pleasure out of it so it results in weekends being spent 'filling the time' - sad really!

Sorry for my rant blush still, if you can't say it here, hey? wink

myroomisatip Sun 03-Mar-13 19:23:11

I feel the same sad

Just coming out of a bad marriage, too old to another relationship so I know I will be spending my evenings on my own forever more... It is so sad to think that there are so many people in the world ( probably also lonely ) and I have nobody who ever thinks to just phone me.

I feel worse in the middle of the night.

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 19:27:45

myroom I am just so sorry about that, hugs sad I never get phone calls either. People don't really get it in my experience, that a huge section of society is set up on the assumption that people are in couples. I hate saying I am lonely as it sounds as if I have no friends! I do have friends, many friends, but to take a week's holiday from work as an example, that's a lot of people to fill a lot of hours. And they don't all live locally.

Yesterday for instance I met two friends for lunch - but that was at noon and over by 4. I spent Saturday morning and evening alone, and all of today - oh, and Friday night too.

Sometimes I speak in the house to hear my own voice.

If you don't have childcare issues and you don't live in the middle of nowhere have you tried taking up an interest? Salsa is brilliant for example. Everyone goes on their own, there is a huge age range, the classes get you interacting with other people and then, in the big cities, there are salsa clubs just about every night of the week, where again it's normal to go on your own. It's a great way to meet people and just to have fun.

redballoons Sun 03-Mar-13 19:47:19

How about signing up for some voluntary work? I've recently separated and that's what I've been thinking of doing to avoid loneliness.. I completely agree that it's a horrible feeling and that it appears to be exaggerated on Sundays.

pigsDOfly Sun 03-Mar-13 19:59:58

I too find myself talking to myself Secret, and perhaps even worse, having conversations with the dog.

The weekends are the worse. I'd just like to have someone to drive out to the country and have a flirty lunch with; someone to cuddle up with.

There are so many people living alone nowadays. I think a lot of us think everyone else is having a wonderful time and in happy relationships.

When I was married I know all our friends thought we were a happy loving couple with the perfect family. I was however, lonelier throughout the whole of my marriage than I've ever been since my divorce. And although I do get lonely now, to be lonely when you're living with someone who is supposed to be committed to you but isn't, as pepper says, is far worse.

FreudianFanny Sun 03-Mar-13 20:05:08

yep,Im incredibly lonely, Dh works away, rarely home, haven't seen him for 3 weeks, no friends , no close family, no childcare, no job , just me myself and I every night of the week. life is like groundhog day. sad

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 20:06:44

Thanks. I do do quite a bit in fact, in terms of classes and voluntary work, but as I said, it doesn't solve that problem that no matter how much you do, fill your time with, organise your life to avoid long periods alone, they are still there. Like pigs say, weekends are definitely the worse - and holidays for me too (am a teacher.) Last half term, so ten days, I had one day with lunch/shopping with a good friend, then I had a birthday meal (not my birthday) and night out, I went to this with another friend, we made a weekend of it and stayed over in a hotel. So it isn't that I don't know people, or have friends - but that was still three days out of ten, leaving seven full days to stretch out completely empty.

At times I dread my retirement. It's a long way off, mind you grin

dippymother Sun 03-Mar-13 20:15:48

Taking up an interest/hobby or doing some voluntary work is a great idea if you have the confidence to go along for the first time on your own. There are so many things you could consider: how about a rambling group - walks are usually at weekends and sometimes include a "pub" stop. I'm a widow and joined a support group - evenings out and weekend trips are regularly organised. I also work voluntarily in a charity shop, it's a lovely friendly shop and we have some good banter with other staff and customers. I do a language course and last year joined a carpentry class - was useless at that but hey, it was good fun! The list is endless but it can give you something to do, new people to meet and a sense of purpose.

rightchoice2 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:22:40

A great idea rather than TV is go to the library and get some listening book cd's just got five on Friday night and have played one set of 8 cd's all day today whilst sorting out my wardrobes. The latest is a kind of chic flick audio book but it is fab and funny for the days when you are in on your own and there are scores of them at my local library. Can't wait to get in some days just to get on with the 'book' when I am doing stuff around the house. By the way I have lived on my own for years and years and love it because I am free to live my life in peace and yet have more friends that I have evenings to share with them.

Moanranger Sun 03-Mar-13 20:25:44

Just split up with my H. Maybe I am odd, but not particularly lonely. I have a fairly all-consuming hobby (equestrian) which helps. I also just joined a health club & am looking into Meet Ups. I am defo not looking for a relationship - no interest in another boring middle-aged snoring grump - maybe that's why I am not lonely. I think not addressing why you are lonely could result in choosing an inappropriate partner, perhaps?

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 20:35:17

Not in my case Moanranger - it is very barren for me where partners are concerned1 grin

dippymother I honestly mean this nicely, but have you read my posts on this thread? I do have hobbies, I do have friends and I work full time, but here's the rub. When I go to those hobbies, friends and work, I go alone, then I come back alone, then I have to spend the rest of the day/week/month alone. And that can be very hard indeed.

cozietoesie Sun 03-Mar-13 20:49:56

I'll see your 'talking to the dog' pigsDOfly and raise you a 'apologising to the television for bumping into it'.

grin

CrispyHedgeHog Sun 03-Mar-13 20:55:01

I just read this thread and realised I haven't opened my mouth to speak since Friday. Nor seen another human being.

dippymother Sun 03-Mar-13 20:55:27

Apologies secret, I wrote my post and posted it before I saw yours which was posted 14 minutes before.

DoreensEatingHerSoreen Sun 03-Mar-13 20:57:06

eurgh I hate Sunday nights, worst part of the week, I much prefer the Monday morning rush around. Actually as soon as I wake up on Sunday mornings I feel a bit down and it gets worse all day.

When I was pg and facing being a single parent I used to think "well at least I will never be lonely as I will have my dc" I've since realised of course that it doesn't exactly work like that.

dippymother Sun 03-Mar-13 20:57:33

D'oh, 9 minutes before!

SueFawley Sun 03-Mar-13 20:58:29

I'm another who feels incredibly lonely.
All was fine before I got divorced but everything fell apart when the divorce happened. I lost friends, I changed jobs, then I had to move to a new area, then I moved somewhere else a year later.
I find myself now with no partner, and I feel too old to go through the dating scene shit.
I work at home so no daily colleague interaction. Go to yoga once a week but haven't made any friends there.

DoreensEatingHerSoreen Sun 03-Mar-13 20:59:03

You lot do genuinely make me feel less lonely though grin

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 21:04:11

Thanks dippy - I think that's the hard part in some ways, as people always want to find a solution to your loneliness. It's good some people have more friends than evenings - perhaps I do to, if I count, but they don't all live nearby and they do have lives/families of their own, as well. I'm sorry to hear you were widowed sad

Crispy - nor have I, bar the forced sort of 'did you find everything you were looking for' when I went in New Look yesterday and bought a new top.

SueFawley Sun 03-Mar-13 21:07:06

Crispy and crickley, normally I'd be saying that too on a Sunday night. But I did go out yesterday afternoon, it was a one off meet up with distant family for a birthday.
Usually I don't open my mouth to speak all weekend, then come Monday morning when I have to make a work phone call I find my voice is hoarse!
I've given serious thought to getting a 'Wilson' friend - like the ball who was Tom Hanks' mate in Cast Away.

onthelastlegtohome Sun 03-Mar-13 21:08:33

sounds as if you are not busy enough? - if you are busy your thoughts are occupied and you don't have time to feel alone very much.

the worst of it might be that you are imagining everyone else is playing happy families, that's only in your head,

Or if that is not it, what about listening to some audio books whilst you are doing housework/driving alone/spending time alone at home/ you could get so engrossed in the story that hours fly past and you don't even think about being alone. I Love my audio books, and listen to them on my ipod whilst doing my chores at home or out walking. You can get all sorts to suit your taste - thrillers, romances, historical sagas, serious educational stuff.. from the library or by subscription.

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 21:13:30

Onthe - hard to say really smile I do have a number of friends and value them greatly, but the problem is that weekends tend to be 'family' time and it can be difficult getting around that. I would tend to say that on average I am 'busy' one weekend out of every three.

I don't get on with audiobooks, although I love reading - I switch off and find I miss something in the story, then have to go back grin

I don't think it's true that everyone is playing happy families but I do think that weekends are family time, happy or not.

thekidsrule Sun 03-Mar-13 21:23:58

agree,though this has made me less so

last week found out partner (now ex) of 4yrs had cheated on me yet again angry

ive 3 boys (not his) and am fairly busy but feel incredibly lonley and sad and feel its me and them only

anyway it must be horrible to be with somebody and still feel lonley

CrispyHedgeHog Sun 03-Mar-13 21:26:04

Not even had that kind of talk Secret

I don't mind it at the moment tbh. It's doing me good to spend time with myself and find out who I am after years of being someone's wife/mum/girlfriend/partner etc etc

I've been pottering all weekend, making grand plans that will never come to fruition, watching crap on tv, it's only the last couple of hours that I've felt a bit bored I think.

I did doze off the on the sofa earlier and thought someone kissed me on the cheek.. that woke me up because it felt very real. Odd.

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 21:56:54

I dozed off earlier as well, and had a strange dream - not so much a dream as a sort of montage of images. It was really, really odd.

I haven't ever been a wife, mum, girlfriend or partner and perhaps that's why I feel as I do - I know, of course I know, not all relationships are ideal, but the loneliness of knowing that not even one person in the world would really miss you if you weren't around does really mess with your head sad

dippymother Sun 03-Mar-13 21:57:48

I agree re weekend loneliness. One of the recurring problems with most of us at the bereavement support group was feeling lonely at the weekend because "everyone else" was with their families. I'm wondering if there is some sort of "club/society" you could try which does meet at the weekend. There are "Meet Ups" in my area (London) for people on their own - if you google it, there seem to be many offshoots for varying interests.

pigsDOfly Sun 03-Mar-13 21:59:21

Just come back on here. Someone rang me oddly enough.

Just seen you post Cozietoesie. I've never apologised to the television but I certainly comment if I'm listening to a discussion on the radio, or tv. Fortunately, I haven't got the stage at which the television answers me back.

dippymother Sun 03-Mar-13 22:01:12

Cross post again, sorry!

lydiamama Sun 03-Mar-13 22:05:48

I am very alone and lonely here, specially today. The only real company I have is my little girl, and she is asleep now.

myroomisatip Sun 03-Mar-13 22:06:24

It seems crazy that so many of us feel the same and there is so little we can do about it!

I just thank God for MN it occupies so much of my time smile and it can really make me laugh when all I want to do is cry!

pigsDOfly Sun 03-Mar-13 22:06:43

Meet ups at the weekend is a very good idea Dippymother. Maybe you should start one for all of us.

A lot of colleges run one day courses on Saturdays throughout the year. Some of the courses often being less run of the mill than longer term courses. One I remember I quite fancied doing was a one day course to learn 'building a wall'.

Never did it, as I didn't have room in my garden for a wall so felt it would have been a bit pointless, but it really appealed.

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:07:18

I find by sunday night I am ok, I have been to church in morning and am ready for the week ahead - ever the optomist!! but fridays when I come home sometimes I'm in tears by the time I get here because I know I won't see anyone all weekend!!

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 22:09:13

cjel, poor you sad I look forward to Friday nights but by Sunday I am generally tearing my hair out! Holidays as well are very very tricky for me and during last summer holiday I think I actually started to suffer from depression due to spending the majority of it alone. I did see people of course but I still averaged about six days out of every seven alone, at a guess.

dippymother Sun 03-Mar-13 22:18:56

Solos and Just You are holiday companies catering for people on their own, should that be of interest?

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 22:21:08

Thanks dippy - I really don't think I'd enjoy a holiday alone, to be honest, but thanks smile

myroomisatip Sun 03-Mar-13 22:24:40

aww hugs to everybody out there who is feeling down.

I have even begun to avidly watch Colin Fry and Sally Morgan, because I just hope that my mum and dad are around me, even if I cant see them. Sometimes I (self consciously) talk to them.

My kids are young adults now, so often I go to bed at night and the house is empty and when I get up, it is still empty. I am glad they are out and having fun, that is as it should be but it sucks. They dont need me any more. No one does.

Really. Am I supposed to take pleasure in having the sofa, t.v. and remote to myself at night, while scoffing chocolate and drinking wine? sad

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:24:45

Thank you, Its not as bad as its sounds!!! Honest!!! I think I can have tendancy to depression if I don't make effort to have regular company.Although I do need my space as well!! I have really busy life and diverse friendships but there is something about not having a really good special person that doesn't sit easy with me.

Bakingnovice Sun 03-Mar-13 22:42:14

I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but I wish I could come around and visit you all at the weekends and put my arms around you and tell you that there are people who care. I care. Lots of other mnetters care. I can't imagine not speaking to another person all weekend. This thread is actually very moving.

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:44:48

No offence taken. In my case I have 28yr old son who lives with me and dd and 5 gc who are always in and out but somehow Its that special person I miss! Thank you for caring its appreciated.x

pigsDOfly Sun 03-Mar-13 23:08:50

Absolutely, Cjel. It's that special person.

I have children who I speak to and see all the time and I'm pretty independent and love living by myself, well with the dog and the cat.

I'm not sure I'd even want to live with another person now. It's just having someone special to share things with.

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 23:15:09

I moved to my lovely new home in august and have spent ages ripping out bedrooms bathrooms kithcens etc and I thought the other day that I'm not sure I'd want to share it with other half now!!!

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 23:26:44

I know what you mean cjel but another part of me does sort of feel excluded from 'normal' life really. I don't have children and I do feel quite anxious/depressed sometimes at what the future holds.

allaflutter Sun 03-Mar-13 23:49:05

OP, sorry if this isn't tactful, but do you have a health issue which prevents you forming relationships? if so, there must be support groups or people in similar circs? I really sympathise though, I'm also single now with no dc (though I was married and had BFs), and it's very comforting to read this thread and to know I'm not the only one feeling alone and cut off in some way in the eves/w-ends. I really do want a new r-ship but it's so hard to find the person who really could be that precious close soulmate/friend. I'd defo rather be alone then with just anyone. I realise I may not meet anyone for a while.

It's hard in winter - I think you can always fill your days with travelling around and chatting to people superficailly on w/ends, seeing new places in the UK or further, when the days are long. Winters is my bugbear as I do get bored, and my energy is down, and just feel isolated. I do some social stuff but it's hard work to prise frends from their familly lives! I think if you feel really bad about living alone long-term, with no prospect of a partner, you could flat/house-share! it really can be a very constructive step, with someone who also is a mature single. Quite a few 40+ people now do this, worth considering. Or live with relatives if they are amenable (though I personally wouldn't).

I often go Sundays without seeing or speaking to anyone. As others have said, I have lots of friends but Sundays is 'family time'

secretofcrickleyhall Sun 03-Mar-13 23:58:04

Allaflutter, no, no health issues. smile I didn't know there were any that stopped people forming relationships! I DO have many friends, it is just like I say, at weekends they tend to be tied up with their own husbands/DCs.

Unfortunately I have no surviving relatives I could live with. I own my own home and like owning it. I just wish I had a 'normal' life (and 'normal' in this country at least does assume children/partner, at least at my age!)

allaflutter Sun 03-Mar-13 23:59:12

I think I'm more than happy not to see/speak to people one day a week, but some people are much more sociable. More than two days a week though (i.e. ALL weekend) - I'm not too happy!

secretofcrickleyhall Mon 04-Mar-13 00:01:09

Well, it tends to be weekends here, plus holidays - when you get to day 4, you are tearing your hair out just slightly!

allaflutter Mon 04-Mar-13 00:05:02

I really understand Op, as I'm in same boat myself right now, friends of my age busy with small children. I just thought it was unusual that you said you never have been a GF/partner unless I misunderstood. You can owe your own home and get a nice lodger with similar interests? I know it's not quick to fimd a suitable person, but if you are saying you dread the future, it's still a suggestion. I'd say not just in this country - unless you mean NY, UK is prety liberal, lots of women by themselves live in their houses rather than with relatives, rare for some countries even in europe.

allaflutter Mon 04-Mar-13 00:10:59

yes 3-4 days on my own - and I feel weird, so I try to avoid this, would rather go anywhere and engage in small talk, also talk on skype to people. I'm trying (very gently) online dating too so that can be distracting but sounds like you wouldn't want to go that route?

secretofcrickleyhall Mon 04-Mar-13 00:11:01

No - I've never had a partner, but it isn't because of a disability?!

allaflutter Mon 04-Mar-13 00:15:55

what I meant was, if you have no reason to avoid r-ships, maybe some dating activity would make you feel less lonely? it's not a cure for every day but you can even meet someone good. Unless you just don't want to full stop, in which case I still stand by with a good lodger idea. I mean I assume the OP was to ask advice rather than just share. I mean if you want to change the situation, something has to give - even hough it is all hard slog (finding more activities, a partner, new friends etc).

allaflutter Mon 04-Mar-13 00:17:02

'stand by', no 'with'

secretofcrickleyhall Mon 04-Mar-13 00:26:55

All, I can see that you're trying to help but my OP was more of a sharing OP than asking advice.

Unfortunately, you cannot make people want to date you, want to be with you or care about you. I have tried dating but haven't had any interest, so quietly have had to give that one up! grin

One of the problems with saying "I'm lonely," is that immediately people give you suggestions as to how you can fill your time, which I tend to find the average 'lonely' person does not need. After all, you can always read, watch a film/TV series, take up a hobby, exercise, walk, clean the house, mow the lawn, shop.

Being lonely - being really lonely - is so much more than "I am bored." I've tried to explain some of it on this thread.

For example, last Friday I was on half term, and I met up with two friends, also teachers, who were also on half term. We met up in a restaurant for lunch then had a drink afterwards. I was with them from noon until maybe 3 o clock. It was a nice day. Except - they both then went home to spend the evening with their husbands and children. I however went home alone and stayed alone.

Being lonely does not equate to, I have no friends.

WMDinthekitchen Mon 04-Mar-13 00:31:06

Cozietoesie I'll see your, 'Apologising to the TV' and raise you shouting at the Archers radio and answering the quiz questions out loud.

I do, however, love much about living alone

RivalSibling Mon 04-Mar-13 08:15:53

Secret I know what you mean.

However, I live with my teenage boys so am rarely alone, yet feel desperately lonely sometimes. If I was properly on my own I could do more stuff like classes but as I work FT the boys are on their own until 6 or 7 and I feel I should get home to cook dinner, talk to the boys and be mum. But as soon as we've eaten they are off up to their rooms. It is a huge struggle to get them to agree to an outing with me and would never suggest it themselves.

I also find that my coupled up friends have no idea what this can be like. I don't like to talk about my loneliness as it usually results in a lot of suggestions about online dating or Zumba.

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 08:59:28

I am already trying to make plans for easter so I don't have that 4 days alone feeling!!!!

thesnootyfox Mon 04-Mar-13 09:28:48

I feel lonely and I'm married. I'm not alone, I wish I could be alone more. I enjoy my own company and crave solitude sometimes.

I'm lonely because I don't have a person who gets me if you know what I mean? I'm lonely because its all about compromise and everything is a battle. I feel very guilty for feeling this way. I'm not giving my children the childhood they deserve and that is heartbreaking really.

cjel Tue 05-Mar-13 18:12:31

Oh Fox my heart was tugged listening to you. I think I understand. I have had a house with people in all day and all night in the past but felt they were not for me. Office workers - we ran our business from home employing 3 people. DS and DD and partners and babies living with us but I would sit down one end of the house some days and burst into tears. I now share a small 3 bed home with DS who works and has partner and children nearby and although I sometimes miss company I hardly ever have that aching loneliness I used to feel when surrounded by people. Hugs

happydotcom Tue 05-Mar-13 19:08:14

snootfox I'm married too and feel shamefully lonely for the exact reasons you specified. sad

wolfandi Tue 05-Mar-13 22:28:01

I'm alone most of the time too. I'm also a lone worker. Most of the time I'm fairly okay. But sometimes the loneliness is so bad that I feel physical pain in my chest.
I take annual leave from work and look forward to it, but by the time I've been off a week I start to go a little stir crazy.
Hugs to all you inthe same situation. It's really hard at times.

secretofcrickleyhall Sat 09-Mar-13 23:42:23

Sunday rolls round again. Anybody else dreading it ? sad

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