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I'm being cheated on aren't I?

(53 Posts)
Unknownfuture Sun 03-Mar-13 00:09:48

I know the answer is yes

Recently DH has been very attached to his phone. Initially thought it was because dd is more mobile and grabby. But now have noticed that if he leaves the room in the evening he'll take it.

So yesterday he made an error and left it charging in the study when he went out. I wasn't looking for it but when I saw it I couldn't resist looking.

I saw loads of texts between him and a female name. There was a red heart from her to him on valentine's day. He texts her night night every night. She sent him a message saying HFKA. He texted back? The reply was happy first... X.

I can only think this means happy first kiss anniversary? Can you think of any even unlikely other options?

The last text sent today said sorry you're I'll. Let me know if you need some looking after...

This has to be an affair doesn't it. And clearly for 12months. There were no texts before feb so presumably been deleted.

So do I confront now? Or see a solicitor first?

Things haven't been great the last 3 mo but I thought things were ok last year. I thought I was at fault but it's him isn't it

AmberLeaf Sun 03-Mar-13 00:14:08

Oh no sad

On the anniversary thing, some people call 1 week rather than a year an anniversary, or 1 month. so if it only goes back to february maybe its 1 month?

...and yes it's him not you.

I think Id see a solicitor first.

yellowbrickrd Sun 03-Mar-13 00:22:47

I would have to confront first, hear what he's got to say. Best to know exactly what you're dealing with before you see the solicitor. Whatever it is sounds like a bad betrayal, sorry x

leaharrison11 Sun 03-Mar-13 00:23:32

Dont really have advice hun but didnt want to read and run. Id take a few day and really think whats best for you!

Sending hugs xx

Allalonenow Sun 03-Mar-13 00:27:44

The standard advice is gather financial information as a first priority, if possible move some money to a secure personal account, collect pension information, income details, collect documents such as passports, birth certificates, bank accounts.
Collect evidence such as emails, copies of texts, information on credit card accounts, phone bills etc.

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation, I know just how painful it is, someone much wiser than me will be here soon to guide you, but I did not want you to be left alone.

Sending you courage.

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 03-Mar-13 00:33:24

I agree with all that you should start gathering copies of everything, including screen shots of his phone and email them to you.

Leave copies in place and keep originals.

So sad, I have been through similar and stayed and every time I come across my folder of flight I feel a bit sad.

Prepare yourself, I also have my own account and work forms ready if needed to transfer mine and all our savings into

My nan called it her rainy day fund sad

I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP. On a practical note, an easy way of copying his texts without any trace is to take a photo of his screen on your own phone, then to be sure you have secure copies, email the pictures to yourself.

almostanotherday Sun 03-Mar-13 01:12:32

Bastard! Just get up and leave don't tell him how or why just go for a few days, leave him wondering, then perhaps text him, happy first divorce!

almostanotherday Sun 03-Mar-13 01:22:15

Sorry if that sound harsh op I just can't stand anyone that thinks its ok to behave like that.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 03-Mar-13 03:20:50

So sorry. The evidence speaks for itself sadly. Gather as much evidence as you can, copy all financial stuff, then co front him. Give him a chance to tell you what he is up to, then when he denies it hit him with the evidence and ask him to leave while you think about what you want.

If he begs forgiveness then it is up to you what happens next. If he doesn't then tell him to sod off and get legal advice

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 03:21:26

It's very definitely him, honey, and it's entirely possible he's been engaging with Ms Soppy-Sentimentalist for some considerable time. What a shame the silly cow she can't see that what are meaningful dates to her are meaningless to him hmm

Don't confront him yet as the chances are you won't get anywhere near the truth as he's likely to protest his innocence/claim it's some midlife crisis type flirtation that meant nothing and which he's ended, but he'll then take extra precautions with his phone or buy another just for his communications with the ow.

Meantime you'll be left with a head full of quandary and more questions than you'll ever get answers to.

Play smart and hold a watching brief whereby you check his phone and email account whenever opportunity arises and make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law at your earliest opportunity - if you have any reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid you're best advised to seek a consultation before the end of this month after which this benefit will not be available to you.

When you know what you can reasonably expect should you decide to separate/divorce you'll be better prepared to tell him how it's going to be as opposed to how he would like it to be.

In the meantime keep posting here for support and advice as to how you can best make sure that when you burst his bubble, you have the optimum chance of finding out the full extent of his duplicity and get to call the shots.

If you have a Machiavellian streak or a penchant for cunning, now's the time to indulge yourself as you stick a smile on your face and be extra attentive to him while savouring the knowledge that, if he has any conscience at all, he'll be inwardly squirming and may even go so far as to pull the plug on Ms S-S before you pull the plug on him wink

Unknownfuture Sun 03-Mar-13 14:10:55

Thanks for the replies. I read them all but this is my first chance to reply.

I definitely will divorce as I've always made it clear that I won't tolerate infidelity. It's funny but last month he squirmed when I made some comment about chris huhne deserving what he gets.

I will be financially ok. Have a good job actually. We also have separate bank accounts and I have savings. He does everything on line so no chance of getting credit card or bank statements. I don't know the passwords.

Will copy passports, mortgage stuff etc.

And see a solicitor asap. We're on holiday next week and it's booked and paid for so shall go anyway. May get a chance for screen shots or more snooping.

I tried photographing the screen with camera but they're not really visible. Think my hands were shaking. How do I do the screen shot thing. I don't have an iPhone. I've written all down though.

Feel remarkably composed just now. Almost like I'm watching a soap. He hasn't been a great husband. I always told myself at least he'llnever cheat. But turns out he's not even faithful.

Unknownfuture Sun 03-Mar-13 14:14:16

Sorry should say that he does have an iphone so need to know how to screen shot off that. Will he be able to tell?

Funny how I was always envious of his iPhone when I have a crappy old school phone but actually it's been his undoing as I can see the whole convo not just her texts to him!

Take someone else on holiday, why would you want to spend the week with him?

Oodsigma Sun 03-Mar-13 14:22:43

Screen shot is hold down home key & on/off key together. It'll then be in pictures and you can email/text to yourself.
Good luck

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 03-Mar-13 14:25:59

So sorry you are going through this.

Be prepared for him to blame you for his own inadequacies. It is part of a script that they follow.

He will try to tell you th bare minimum that he can get away with. It was just a friendship, it was just harmless flirting.... Oh ok there was a kiss.... And on and on

He will say that you were not paying him attention, that you have seemed distant and cold since <insert date that he turned away from your marriage because he was getting involved with ow>

When he does that realise that this is something in his head that he has made up to justify his behaviour to himself.

NeonGolden Sun 03-Mar-13 14:27:32

To take a screenshot, simultaneously press the button on the top right of the iPhone and the big round button on the bottom. The photo will then go into the photo folder, from there you can email it to yourself. After that delete immediately, also delete it from the photo stream! (Another option within the photos app, if that makes sense). Hth

I'm so sorry you've found this out. What a horrible man.

Unknownfuture Sun 03-Mar-13 14:30:40

True postman but then i'l have to confront him before I'm ready. If it's anything like the last holiday he'll be off doing his own thing and dd and I can do all the kiddy things he hates.

What's the home key? The one on the bottom in the middle with the square on it? And the on/off on the top? And pictures as in the photo section?

Norma I'm sure it will be my fault cos most things are! In his opinion

Unknownfuture Sun 03-Mar-13 14:31:37

Cross post neon! Thanks

ApplyYourself Sun 03-Mar-13 14:36:47

Good for you for being so sorted and together. You're a bloody credit to betrayed women everywhere and I wish you luck.

Fair enough, but Id be ready now! Couldn't bear to see his lying face over the breakfast table every morning grin

FlouncingMintyy Sun 03-Mar-13 14:45:56

Has he still not realised he doesn't have his phone with him? Where is he?

Dottiespots Sun 03-Mar-13 14:47:44

So sorry your boing through this. I know you have said that you will divorce him because you have always said that you would not stand for cheating.....but do be prepared for your feelings to maybe change as it all sinks in. Emotions do take over and whatever you feel is all perfectly normal.

Dottiespots Sun 03-Mar-13 14:48:01

"going" not boing

LaVitaBellissima Sun 03-Mar-13 14:49:30

Good luck, hope you can enjoy the holiday with your DD, are you sure you want to go with him?

Tubegirl Sun 03-Mar-13 14:52:32

Re the advice to take originals and leave copies - please don't! Your solicitor wouldn't be able to use them because of the way they were obtained. You can take a copy of anything lying about but not anything that was locked away e.g in locked drawer or safebox. If it's not locked then that's ok. You cannot open letters he hasn't already opened. This applies to password protected accounts such as email accounts. Also, even if you know his passwords for his online accounts you can't print copies. There are several high profile cases on this, you might remember a certain celebrity chef's wife got into very hot water over taking his private correspondence. If it turns out you are right, then I sympathise, it's an awful feeling. Think you need to confront him as calmly as you can.

Tubegirl Sun 03-Mar-13 14:56:04

Marco Pierre White! Sorry had a mind blank then.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 03-Mar-13 15:00:34

I would still take copies of stuff though. When I sat in mediation, my XH couldnt even remember a pension fund that he had until I reminded him. He had no idea about his life or sickness insurance. He was useless.

I had access to my XH's online mobile account as I did his paperwork for him, thats how I spotted 100's of texts to OW. I printed all of that out and used it to get a divorce for unreasonable behaviour, along with copies of facebook chat and emails. He couldnt defend the divorce as I had proof of it all.

It doesn't matter whether you can use it or not legally, it is proof that he has a pension, or a bank account or whatever and you can use it if he fails to declare things on his form E.

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Mar-13 15:18:04

Good for you, OP, for responding so decisively and how lovely to see someone in this position who has her own account and is financially independent.

One thing: he would have been aware that his phone was left at home; I wonder why he didn't come back for it. Is he in a job where he simply can't be late? Did you notice him panic when he came back home?

I know when my ex was involved with someone else I didn't realise that's what was going on but everything felt very strange. I thought I was going mad. You should find everything a lot better once you've separated.

What do you plan to do about your house?

ThePinkOcelot Sun 03-Mar-13 17:01:51

So sorry OP. What a twat!
Where is he? Do you think he's with her, so he thinks it safe his phone being at home, as she won't be texting him? xx

jenny99 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:43:19

If you screen shot and email it to yourself as others have pointed out make sure you delet it from the photos but also from the sent emails folder too! Or from sent texts etc.

Unknownfuture Sun 03-Mar-13 20:39:04

I have the screen shots. Have deleted the pic and sent mail and camera roll so think I'm safe.

He is a fitness freak who usually runs so takes phone out in the car. He's hurt his leg so cycled from home instead. Hence the phone was left behind. Hidden today. I think he is so sure if himself he really doesn't think I'm onto him.

So will be phoning solicitor Tom.

Thanks so much for practical advice.

wednesdaygirl Mon 04-Mar-13 10:43:36

Dont forget to delete emails from his phone sent to you x

chaosagain Mon 04-Mar-13 12:01:58

And just to add to what Wednesdaygirl said, you may also need to delete them from the bin. Gmail for example, never deletes anything permanently unless you ask it to. So you need to go into sent mail and delete and then into the bin/trash and delete the emails you sent yourself from there too.

Sorry you're going through this.

Skinnywhippet Mon 04-Mar-13 20:24:02

Couldn't it just be flirtation? Maybe I'm naive.

unknownfuture Mon 04-Mar-13 22:07:08

I wanted to believe that at first skinny but what else could 'Happy First K A' mean apart from Happy First Kiss Anniversary? Which means it is has been going on a year.

I'm seeing a solicitor soon and then will give H chance to explain but will be very sceptical of his answersaa

ChateauCollapso Mon 04-Mar-13 22:28:43

Yes it's him detaching. Men love flattery and so the grass seems greener. When he finds out what you know it won't be all lovely and secret anymore. That's when he'll backtrack. If you're willing you may be able to move along from this together but it will be very hard for you. Once you know he's been massively flirting (probably shagging), loads of stuff will fall into place. Working late, pub with mates, staying out overnight - all seemingly fairly innocent at the time but in hindsight ... Sorry but I may be projecting my experience on to you but haven't had the bottle to start my own thread as don't want to hear the truth.

unknownfuture Mon 04-Mar-13 22:40:14

I should also add that when I went back to get the screen shots that he had replied to her last text of "sorry you're feeling ill. Do you want some looking after...!".

His reply. "yes please! X". Am actually really angry now.

rightchoice2 Mon 04-Mar-13 22:46:09

Not surprised you are angry, you have every right to be. What a cheat, he'll get his comeuppance soon.

Ruprekt Mon 04-Mar-13 23:03:43

He will get the shock of his life when you do confront him

Git!

chocoreturns Tue 05-Mar-13 10:35:32

you are doing so well. Keep calm and gather the evidence you need and make a plan. I can't imagine being so calm... when I read emails from my STBXH and his OW I literally confronted him immediately and walloped him, and threw him out there and then. I had a lot of catching up to do on the practical things which would have made my life much easier.

Having said that, a year down the line I'm much happier and life is back on track. Use the anger to your advantage because the energy may not last forever and you'll need to be as strong as possible when you do actually confront - in my experience, the bit after that is the bit that hurts the most, because you'll get to see how nasty and unrepentant cheaters are. sad

He doesn't deserve you, remember that x

unknownfuture Tue 05-Mar-13 15:34:31

Thanks choc I think it will be another 2 weeks until I confront. Solicitor next week and then I'll know where I stand custody wise. Currently work FT - desperate to go part time anyway. Have worked out that will be (just) able to make ends meet on 3 days per week plus occ weekend shiftr that could fit in with when he had DD at a weekend. So need to find out whether I would be in a better position to already be part time IYSWIM or whether can just say that my plans are to go part time. Anyway don't want to go all through this and then find out that I will be paying him maintenace to be at home with our DD. I guess the solicitor can tell me all these things. So I'm kind of in limbo until then but need to be patient as think it will be better for me in the long run.

Ironically he has been much nicer the last few days. Don't think he's onto me as I don't think he could contain his anger at being found out. I think maybe now I know what has been the root cause of our unhappiness recently that I have relaxed a bit (with hidden pent up fury) and he is responding to that.

Thanks for letting me know that things will be better and to be prepared that they may be worse for a while. IT's good to know what to expect.

PureedGoodness Tue 05-Mar-13 16:38:49

how are u managing to be civil knowing what u know?

almostanotherday Tue 05-Mar-13 16:59:59

The kiss anniversary does not always been a year, could be a week, month or indeed a year.

almostanotherday Tue 05-Mar-13 17:01:24

does not always mean it has been a year.

skiesmylimit Tue 05-Mar-13 18:30:21

OP, please make sure there is no way he can find this thread if he goes on your phone/pc ect

Ahhhcrap Tue 05-Mar-13 19:02:59

Sorry OP this sucks!

newbiefrugalgal Tue 05-Mar-13 19:31:37

m.imore.com/how-to-take-a-screenshot-with-the-iphone

Just remember to delete!
I also emailed a copy to my sister so I had someone to read and make sense of it all!!! Grrrrrr

Ruprekt Wed 06-Mar-13 18:05:12

OP - how you doing today? X

KirstyWirsty Wed 06-Mar-13 21:44:23

Sorry you are going through this OP

I'd like to reiterate that once confronted he will be nasty to you and unrepentant .. Please be prepared .. And when you are getting yourself sorted out and are happy he'll begging you to come back .. I never believed my STBX would try ( i thought he knew me better) but he did

I'll also reiterate what Choco said .. I am much happier a year and a bit later without the lying grumpy git that I had found myself stuck with

One last thing .. This board was a lifeline to me .. The women (and men) have helped me so much .. Keep posting and reading .. I've learned a lot

Good luck!

Ruprekt Sat 09-Mar-13 21:11:17

Bump

PureedGoodness Mon 11-Mar-13 07:21:36

How is everything unknown?

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