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No affection....ditch or date?

(78 Posts)
Bitofadviceplease Sat 02-Mar-13 07:16:17

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 months now. He's 34 I'm 32.

I am a very touchy feely person, he is complete opposite.

Last night we sat watching a film on desperate sofas! Fair enough the dogs were lying sleeping beside is but he never once said 'come over here'

He very occasionally cuddles me, occasionally kisses me (not passionately), and I could count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in just under 3 months and its always initiated by foreplay, just wham bam thank you till he's done. My previous partner was amazing & considerate in bed so not used to this .

I've tried talking to him about the lack of affection but he doesn't know what I want him to do.

We're practically living at his place and I'm having still pay mortgage on my place while going halfers on his rent & bills. I don't want to rent my place out until I'm 100% sure it's going to work.

It's also costing me more in fuel to get to work & back from his house.

Last night was the last straw, made his work for him coming home from work, also picked him up from work! Then no affection at all. I'm already feeling like I'm his slave & provider of money when he's short with no real feeling I'm loved sad

Most of my things are here but going to suggest I keep flat longer to him & start staying there couple of nights a week


Bitofadviceplease Sat 02-Mar-13 07:20:50

I'm just beginning to ask myself 'what's in this for me, because at the moment I'm not feeling the love and I'm financially worse off'

TisILeclerc Sat 02-Mar-13 07:23:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialmagiclady Sat 02-Mar-13 07:23:29

Army brothers used to say to me "Bin him, pet".

3 months, no affection? Jesus you should be all over each other. He's plenty of time to sit on separate sofas when you've been married 10 years. Stop now before you really Carew about him.

Fairylea Sat 02-Mar-13 07:25:44

3 MONTHS!???


Dh and I have been together nearly 4 years now and we still cuddle up watching tv and always sit holding hands etc.

I don't think your boyfriend Iis ever going to offer you the affection you want.

Also at this stage you should be wanting to rip each other's clothes off every two seconds!

It doesn't bode well!

Ditch. Definitely.

Kione Sat 02-Mar-13 07:27:32


AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Mar-13 07:29:35


You just met him.

Don't date anyone else until you have stopped thinking you should "work at" a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

Cakethrow Sat 02-Mar-13 07:32:29

3 months? If you're having problems already it's not going to work. He''s not going to suddenly become the loving affectionate man you want.

Also, isn't 3 months a bit early to be thinking about moving in and renting out your flat?

WaitingForMe Sat 02-Mar-13 07:46:19

Absolutely ditch!

Insecure24 Sat 02-Mar-13 07:51:09

Practically living together at 3 months and yet you don't even hold hands. And you're 34. Really? Surely you know this isn't going to work?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 07:54:42

Seriously you need to ask? You know it is time to move on.

Why the hell are you even thinking of moving in??? I think you should end this now and move home. You are being a bit of a mug to put yourself out so much so soon for someone who seems not to give back very much.

He wil not change. This is the best it will ever get.

Why the hell are you paying him rent and bills??! You are being used and taken for a fool. Sorry to be blunt but honestly.

glitch Sat 02-Mar-13 07:58:36

Sorry to say but I think it is time to ditch.
If it isn't working for you now it is only going to get worse (he won't change!)
Extract yourself now whilst it is still relatively easy.

Lizzabadger Sat 02-Mar-13 08:03:19

3 months? Just end it.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:04:50

I'd say ditch too.
I'm in a relationship without affection and it is a living hell.
We've been together for about 6 years, things were ok in the beginning but he has problems with showing love and affection so we just don't.
We don't hold hands, sit next to each other, hug, or talk much. Is soul destroying.
Get out whilst you can I say. sad

EnjoyResponsibly Sat 02-Mar-13 08:08:45


Halvesies on his place and no foreplay = no brainer!

Why are you together at all - you both are fundamentally unsuited to each other in the first place. Why are most of your things in his place after only 3 months as well?.

You need to ask yourself some harsh questions.

What do you get from this so called relationship now?.

Do you have rescuer/saviour characteristics; i.e do you want your loving them to save such damaged men from themselves?. If so then you need to re-examine your relationship history along with your whole approach to relationships because being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship certainly does not ever work. He was never your project to rescue and or save.

joblot Sat 02-Mar-13 08:10:54

I'm more concerned about the desperate sofas. But that aside, go home and get rid

TheUndesireable Sat 02-Mar-13 08:13:34

Get out of there girl!

targaryen24 Sat 02-Mar-13 08:15:58

a.) how do you even have sex without foreplay?? shock Think I tried that once and couldn't walk properly for a day or two...(plus it was shit)
b.) You sound like you need affection to feel loved (which is a very reasonable way to feel) so it goes without saying that you'll never feel satisfied

In either respect wink
Plenty of considerate men out there grin
Just put this down to experience!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 02-Mar-13 08:20:30

Why on earth would you even think this a relationship worth working on? I mean, what genuine positives does his presence bring to your life? I can only assume he has very nice dogs who you'd miss confused

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 02-Mar-13 08:22:17

I think poster Bitofadviceplease it is unanimous DITCH.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 02-Mar-13 08:23:57

Does he even like you very much?! Sounds like your main role is to reduce his living costs for him, and the occasional kiss is the price he feels he has to pay. After 3 months and this little affection, you can just gather your stuff while he's out, take it back to your place, and either leave him a note or go back and wait for him and tell him you're off. No drama - and don't take any nonsense about 'trying again'. Doesn't sound like he ever fell in love with you, but he was quick to get you coughing up the dosh.

Dozer Sat 02-Mar-13 08:40:40

Ditch! "desperate sofas" says it all.

Why would you be practically living together at 3 months and even be considering moving in together? Far too early even if things were going v well.

Dozer Sat 02-Mar-13 08:41:22

You are going halves on his rent and bills?!!!


WitchOfEndor Sat 02-Mar-13 08:54:00

How did he manage to persuade you to go half on his rent and bills when you are paying your mortgage and bills too? Would it have occurred to you to ask him to do that if he was spending time at yours? What you have is a bad case of cock-lodgeritis. The only cure is ditching him!

I'm not sure why so many women ( myself included in the past) are so reluctant to give up on crap relationships. It's almost as if we will put up with anything unless he is a total unadulterated shit. I blame Eastenders et al who give such a skewed view of what a relationship should be.

Cherriesarelovely Sat 02-Mar-13 08:58:56

You are 3 months in and it's like this? Definitely move on. It doesn't sound as if there IS anything in it for you.

Marigold1 Sat 02-Mar-13 09:59:07


kalidanger Sat 02-Mar-13 10:00:33

You going to ditch him, OP?

Vicky2011 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:15:31

Ditch obviously.

And then maybe some counselling to work out why you moved so quick with someone who was so clearly wrong for you so you can avoid the same mistake again.

Doha Sat 02-Mar-13 10:27:31

No brainer DTB

Sianilaa Sat 02-Mar-13 10:37:48

Ditch, no question!

LittleEdie Sat 02-Mar-13 10:46:08

Ditch grin

Seriously, why do you have to ask? It's clear he is not enhancing your life at all. I would suggest counselling too - Work out why you think you have to continue relationships with people you dislike.

So that's a ditch here from me.

Good luck

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:52:05

Ditch - if he was staying your place he would be a cock lodger, as i is, he doesn' even qualify for that. He's using you you deserve better in and out of the bedroom

Beckamaw Sat 02-Mar-13 10:52:55

I'm not sure how you ended up in this situation, TBH.

DP and I moved in together because we just couldn't think about being apart. In a relationship with no affection, how do you reach this decision?

I think you are wasting precious weeks of your life, and pounds of your money to facilitate something that is not making you happy.

Please run for the hills. You'll be happier there!!

Bitofadviceplease Sat 02-Mar-13 11:21:09

To be honest I thought his 'distance' was a defence from a previous relationship where he was badly hurt so could understand that. I thought in time as we got to know each other better hed open up to me. But 3 months on & nope!

I stay there as we were enjoying each others company at the start & so to save travelling back & forth (half hour) journey it just kind of happened that I stay there nearly every night.

It was me who suggested I help towards his rent & bills as he's not as well paid as me but didn't expect him to take me fully up on the offer of literally halfers!! I initially offered as had a previous bf stay a lot at mind & he never contributed to anything and I swore to myself I'd never put someone in that situation!

When I approach him about lack of sex & affection he says what do I expect? Sex every night of week & kisses & cuddles 24/7??? Er no but to feel loved & appreciated would be nice. Just now I feel like a live in handy women, loan shark & taxi!!

Lizzabadger Sat 02-Mar-13 11:24:15

Don't discuss it or analyse it any more.
Just end it today.

MirandaWest Sat 02-Mar-13 11:26:15

At 3 months it should be exciting. And it's not. I can't see what you're getting out of this other than losing money and feeling rubbish.

almostanotherday Sat 02-Mar-13 11:32:12

Ditch smile

Branleuse Sat 02-Mar-13 11:35:02

that sounds like the most boring soulless relationship ive ever heard of

Beckamaw Sat 02-Mar-13 11:36:39

The old chestnut 'I have been badly hurt in the past'. Yep, cross that off on your bingo card.

You cannot change him, heal him or fix him. It isn't your job. If he can't give you want you want, make space in your life by getting rid.
Wouldn't it be awful if someone brilliant came along, and you were wasting time over this guy and missed the opportunity?

I can relate to your situation OP. this is why I demand you ditch the jerk!! smile
I ended up with a lovely guy. It does happen.

piratecat Sat 02-Mar-13 11:40:40

oh my god, just leave him to it op. and stop giving him money. What a lovely arrangement it is for him.

it's frankly, ODD!

gymboywalton Sat 02-Mar-13 11:42:51

at 3 months i WOULD expect sex every night of the week!!
bloody hell when i was 3 months into my relationship, we couldn't keep our hands off each othjer!!!

why do you think you deserve so little?

kalidanger Sat 02-Mar-13 11:51:10

Just checked Threads I'm On on the phone and it looked like "Yes, I would expect pirate sex every night" grin

Ditch ditch ditch! Cancel your direct debits and wander off into the sunset. Get a hot water bottle and you won't miss him one little bit.

OneHandFlapping Sat 02-Mar-13 12:01:17

Why on earth are you paying half his rent and bills after 3 months? He certainly saw you coming.

Or does he just think you're his flatmate?

Get rid.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 12:02:35

Jesus christ OP, run for the hills will ya? Right now!

He isn't going to change.

I'd rather boil my own head than be in a 'relationship' like that with no sex no affection and giving him money... seriously wtf?

At 3 months in you should be all over each other all the time, and staying over at his shouldn't be met with a request for half the rent and bills etc just contributing a little bit for food or paying for takeaways now and then should be fine at this stage

The whole thing is totally fucked up from start to finish, upside down, backwards and - god. I just can't express enough to you how fast you need to run. Now! Dump him right now!

Bitofadviceplease Sat 02-Mar-13 12:13:56

On way to collect my stuff smile

TalkativeJim Sat 02-Mar-13 12:20:12


piratecat Sat 02-Mar-13 12:20:13

thank god!! smile

kalidanger Sat 02-Mar-13 12:39:38



Anniegetyourgun Sat 02-Mar-13 12:59:20

Don't be letting the bugger talk you round, now. He'll be turning it back on you so it is all your fault the relationship wasn't hearts and flowers, and next thing you know you'll find you're back on with him on a promise to make it work this time - which will somehow translate into you making all the effort to change, and occasionally allowing yourself to wonder how you got into this mess.

Repeat after me: "This isn't working for me." No matter what he says, what he promises. "It isn't working for me."

Mind you, he might just shrug and say "all right then" and reach for his little black book for the next mug's phone number. In which case, great.

ImperialBlether Sat 02-Mar-13 13:00:55

Hang on a minute - loan shark? Has he borrowed money from you, too?

OP, you'd have to be out of your mind to stay one minute longer. Are you working today? If not, go round his house and pick up every single thing you own and put it into the car. Tell him you're going to wash your clothes at your house to save his electricity. Then get into your car and drive as fast as you can away from this man.

Piuh! Let us know how that went!

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 13:04:58

Well done OP!! Let us know how you are

nickelbabe Sat 02-Mar-13 13:05:30

your OP says everything you need to know.

Bitofadviceplease Sat 02-Mar-13 13:12:41

He's acknowledged it's him that's the problem

Marigold1 Sat 02-Mar-13 13:16:53

Not is the problem, was the problem I hope. Get you bits and bobs and dont look back xx

nickelbabe Sat 02-Mar-13 13:24:00

and ??

Lizzabadger Sat 02-Mar-13 13:41:30

Good that you are going.
Who cares what he acknowledges - just get away.

startlife Sat 02-Mar-13 13:41:37

Ditch, life is too short and whilst you are wasting energy on him you are not meeting the man that could make you happy.

Well done though for posting and getting the feedback, sometimes we drift in relationships and don't realise how bad they are - as there are often some good stuff in relationships which keep us hooked (like company when watching TV)

He is not right for you - just focus on that. You can't change him and even if he promises to change it's unlikely to happen. Good Girl for taking action.

ErikNorseman Sat 02-Mar-13 14:04:38

There is literally no point to you continuing in this joke of a relationship is there? In fact, it's barely a relationship after not even three months. What made you think that you should move in with someone so quickly? Especially when he's so selfish with money, time, affection? Where is your self esteem?

FarBetterNow Sat 02-Mar-13 14:36:59

Sorry, but you are his meal ticket and you have MUG on your forehead.
Move out NOW.
Life on your own will be bliss.

targaryen24 Sat 02-Mar-13 17:46:42

Good for you!
He's not treating you well because he doesn't want to, pure & simple. And by saying "what do you expect..." He's just trying to guilt trip you & dismiss you as irrational when really, he's in the wrong...and he knows it. Hence the gas-lighting.

Well done! smile

tribpot Sat 02-Mar-13 18:03:54

God - I can't believe that after three months you would offer to go halfers on his rent, or that he would accept. WTF!

Next time I would expect a bit more out of a relationship, OP. He was barely a friend with benefits given the level of benefits!

Cherriesarelovely Sat 02-Mar-13 18:13:25

Well done bitof, hope you find a much more appreciative partner! Good for you!

MidnightMasquerader Sat 02-Mar-13 18:15:16

So you've broken up with him, right??

LemonDrizzled Sat 02-Mar-13 18:55:32

Come and tell us he is history OP! Don't let him wheedle you into carrying on for another 3 months!

I've been with my DP 18 months now (woo!) and we both keep separate houses but spend most nights at his. I buy food for the fridge and plants for the garden but we pay our own bills. There is plenty of time to get closer (and we have sex at least every night!)
You have rushed into this relationship a bit quickly haven't you? Next time take it s-l-o-w-l-y smile

OP you sound like a sweetheart...give your sweet heart to someone more deserving...ditch the ungrateful bastard..

Bitofadviceplease Sat 02-Mar-13 23:31:02

Have ditched him. Collected all my belongings & home curled up in my wee flat smile

Darkesteyes Sun 03-Mar-13 00:36:12

Brilliant So glad you have ditched him. Hope he wasnt too much of a PITA about it.

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 01:21:46

Phew. Well done OP. Bullet dodged!

BOF Sun 03-Mar-13 01:28:32

Fucking hell, I have never been so pleased to get to the end of a thread and see the outcome.

Don't look back.

BOF Sun 03-Mar-13 01:31:49

Btw, I have a friend who had similar issues and then some, who ignored all advice and chugged on. Now she has convinced herself that all is fine. It isn't. He is sapping her soul.

I am so glad you have seen the light- it truly breaks my heart to see my lovely vibrant peppy friend being sucked into the quicksand of such a joy vortex.

MidnightMasquerader Sun 03-Mar-13 07:39:44

Fab - well done!! How did he take it? Blindsided?!

Bitofadviceplease Sun 03-Mar-13 07:42:36

He wasn't particularly bothered which doesn't surprise me. I don't need a man like that so glad I came on here for advice.

Sometimes although your gut feeling tells you the answer you just need to hear it from others x

piratecat Sun 03-Mar-13 08:21:23

yes its great to hear that you've trusted your gut and wow you made quick work of it to boot!
BOF it must break you heart seeing you friend in that situation. i have a friend who is not being treated well and i don't know what to say or do anymore. x
good luck in your cosy nest op.

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