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DH unfaithful cliche, but minded to tell him to shove it. Too hasty?

(62 Posts)
DHtotalnob Fri 01-Mar-13 23:36:26

Hi - I've trawled these threads and realise that my story is almost exactly the same as everyone else's: DH, nice bloke and all, decides to express his unhappiness with reality by boning a colleague. Totally found out and now wants to start again. I have read so much good advice and feel at least that I'm thinking clearly.

However, there's one area of advice that I just can't get my head round but want to see if I'm missing the point. The gist seems to be that you make him break contact with OW and check he has done it and even tell OW DH to make doubly sure you've scuppered the relationship, then keep him on a short leash around texting and emails etc.

This doesn't sit right with me - I want him to stop what he's doing because he wants to, to be with his family, and not because I've forced him. My thinking at the moment is that he's been irresponsible enough and if he chooses to carry on he can fuck off, frankly.

Another however - I only found out about this last weekend and I am also aware that I probably don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.

Any insight or advice very much appreciated. xx

PS: DD1 is 4, DD2 is 14 mo. DH is 39 and a massive baby.

Toastismyfriend Fri 01-Mar-13 23:39:22

I see what you're advice i'm afraid..but sounds reasonable to me. Sorry he's being such a complete twonk x

maleview70 Fri 01-Mar-13 23:42:17

Sorry to be blunt but not only is your story exactly
The same as everyone else but the ending seems to be too.

He is 39 not 19.

He has 2 children that you gave to him.

He is a cock and you are almost forgiving him before he has had to do any work.

If you forgive him this easily he will be back "boning" her before you know it.

pictish Fri 01-Mar-13 23:44:41

A massive baby. Can you elaborate on that?
And you're right btw. Your reasoning is well sound.

DHtotalnob Fri 01-Mar-13 23:49:08

Thanks both - this thing works quick!

To clarify, he checked into a hotel the same day I found out and I made him come back and I took the room. We swapped the next day - he's been at a crappy hotel and we're having a summit tomorrow.

Fairypants Fri 01-Mar-13 23:50:18

I think the reason for short leash is to check it is over iyswim.
I agree and still struggle with the fact the ow broke off with DH long before I found out- I feel it would have been easier if he had chosen me over her.
If you can give him freedom to choose whilst still knowing what he is choosing, that sounds like a good way forward to me.
Good luck smile

tessa6 Fri 01-Mar-13 23:54:12

You place exactly the right value on yourself to insist that you think he should be the one doing the realising, begging and running. Feeling that you are making demands on him can feel like one is mothering someone who frankly should be able to behave themselves, and certainly should love enough to give up whatever affection the have found of their own accord.

The trouble is that most infidelitous people will lie, about the extent and about the contact and about the ramifications. So even if he says he wants to and will give up contact, it's hard to tell from the outside whether he is honest or not without having some recourse to checking.

I think you are absolutely right that if you reasonably say that any further contact with her loses you and his family, and he isn't sure or refuses, you should leave him

tessa6 Fri 01-Mar-13 23:54:57

Or rather think of it that he is showing you that he can not do what is necessary, so that he is choosing to leave.

DHtotalnob Fri 01-Mar-13 23:54:59

Pictish: only that I've been going almost mad trying to get him emotionally engaged, but he preferred to really blow everything apart rather than do anything to help himself and us. I'm mad and sad and all the rest of it, but also a bit over it being a one way street. Because of DC though, I want to be absolutely sure that I have looked at every angle and not made a decision when I'm not really in a fit state to do that.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 02-Mar-13 00:05:23

You’re right - you can’t force him to give up OW if he doesn’t want to, and his wanting to is key. I tried that with my ex but he didn’t want to and he lied and became incredibly creative in covering up when he met her.

She wore a disgusting perfume that I could smell from 50 paces ... one day I came home from work and his bath towel was damp, so I knew he must have spent the afternoon with her and then had a shower. So, and you’ll think I’m crazy, and for a while I was, I checked the laundry bin to see if I could smell her perfume on his clothes in there - nothing. I found his “OW shirt” tucked at the back of his wardrobe - I knew it had to be somewhere. He had stooped to having a special outfit and hiding it from me and I had stooped to frantic snooping.

I’m only telling you this to demonstrate that you can’t force your H, he has to choose but you can spell out what he will lose if he goes. If he chooses you it's not easy by any means, it's hard work for both of you and he also has to be prepared to work with you and explain why he was unfaithful so that you can fix that together.

Good luck - you seem to have your head screwed on.

DHtotalnob Sat 02-Mar-13 00:05:48

Wow - I'm a newbie and all these sound words are almost overwhelming. Thank you to all.

He also said he loved her, but is aware he only sees her fun freedom-giving side, and vice versa. And that he loves me and the children and wants to make that work. I seem to have a very strong inbuilt 'non-compete' clause that I didn't realise I had and my initial reaction is to tell him to stick his affections up his arse. Is he just being honest about his feelings (as he interprets them - he's a serial female-in-trouble befriender and obviously gets an emotional boost out of it)?

PowerPants Sat 02-Mar-13 00:12:33

Did he tell HER he loved her or is he just telling you he loved her?

Good luck OP, you do sound very together, funny, precise and smart. Which makes you worth more than a massive baby.

maleview70 Sat 02-Mar-13 00:13:22

Well just kick him out then. Dickheads like your partner are just not worth the hassle.

DHtotalnob Sat 02-Mar-13 00:19:22

He told me, and they told each other in the charming text exchange I found.

Thank you all so much. I have to sleep now to prepare for tomorrow, but I feel much stronger. Thank you.

I would go with telling him to stick his affections up his arse quite frankly but I loathe infidelity and am very unforgiving of it. He would need to be crawling over broken glass before I'd even think about it. The only time I ever went back with a cheater they did it again!

ImperialBlether Sat 02-Mar-13 13:42:44

One thing I learned (the hard way) is that you can't stop another person's relationship. You can physically prevent them meeting but you can't stop him wanting her. Nowadays you can't even stop them communicating.

One thing I heard on here was the advice I wish I'd been given. End it now. Immediately. Tell him there's no going back. You need to shock him into realising what he's lost. Now either he'll go and live with her, in which case it's ended conclusively and you don't have any "will he, won't he" nonsense and it's a swift but hard ending, or he will sober up and realise what he's done.

If he does the latter, you still don't take him back, not until several months have passed and he realises it's you he wants, the contact with the other woman has ended because he's ended it and she absolutely knows it's you he wants, and when he realises life without you is utterly miserable.

You could do that, or you could do like I did and forgive him before he'd even finished apologising, have loads of sex with him to stamp your mark on him (that's a huge punishment for him of course) and then try to pretend nothing happened. In which case he goes and does the same thing again.

Have you heard of hysterical bonding? It's well worth looking up. If I'd known that's what I'd been doing, I wouldn't have felt like I was going mad.

practicality Sat 02-Mar-13 14:46:55

I couldn't be arsed with engaging with this sort of nonsense. The emotional roller coaster of winning the 'prize' of a cheat who chooses you. I wouldn't want to be in a position where I would be chosen in such circumstances.

Tell him to stick it up his arse as you were inclined. Move on with your life leaving this drain behind.

I mean, just the thought that he could be telling another woman he loves her whilst you are raising your small children makes him a whole new kind of revolting. What an absolute insult. How could go back to having a sexual relationship with him without being grossed out? He has sullied your relationship with HIS selfish choices. Make it your choice to dump him from a great height.

Good luck x

muddyboots Sat 02-Mar-13 15:20:55

I have no wise words other than this is exactly how I feel!

My DH leaves has un-passworded his phone and computer and leaves them lying around. I don't bother to check them. He presumably knows how to use the 'delete' button now and his OW will know only to text him whilst he's at work or late at night when he's in his bedroom. (I've no idea if this is the case!)

It seems odd to apply the old "if you love somebody set them free" cliche to the post-affair recovery but that's the rule I'm using. I can't make him love me and I can't make him cut contact with her.

I'm also very concerned (because of messages that I have read) that my DH is trying to save his reputation and doesn't want to be seen to be the bad guy who leaves his wife and very young family.

Well done OP on making him stay whilst you took the hotel. I like your style!

Branleuse Sat 02-Mar-13 15:32:09

honestly. your thinking is spot on. I don't think you're being hasty. You're not obliged to put up with it and its incredibly easy to not cheat on someone if you don't want to.
people who cheat actively want to.

If he has told both her and you that he loves her, that is it then, is it not?

There is only one way, and that is the bin bag way.

He tells you he loves you and the kids because he has to, he is on self preservation mode. Right now he has to save what he can so that HE can call the shots and move on when it SUITS HIM, rather than now because this was not his plan.

Cherriesarelovely Sat 02-Mar-13 18:35:00

Sorry to hear of your situation OP, you sound brilliant by the way. I think I have the same "non competing" thing in me too. I would absolutely not want to "fight" for someone that was cheating on me. Sod them, if they don't want me enough they can fuck off! You are very wise to explore different options though.

Concentrateonthegood Sat 02-Mar-13 19:14:36

OP, you're entirely right. I wouldn't want to have to live my life trying to control someone in such a why. There again, I couldn't forgive unfaithfulness and he would be gone, as indeed he was when I found out. Hope all works as for the best for you.

Teahouse Sat 02-Mar-13 19:25:08

Sounds like you are being very sensible. If he doesn't want to stay, why woud you want him to...why spend your energy on keeping a cheater in line when you have 2 wonderful children and yourself to spend energy on instead.
Good luck

DHtotalnob Sun 03-Mar-13 10:22:59

Again, huge thank you. This has been so so helpful. I just have today to get out of the way and I'll post an update, DD2 allowing, tonight. xxx

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 10:32:17

Op -do take some time to let the other option wash over you (splitting up)
Look at financial options etc.
it's admiral of you to want to fight for your family but from what others have said it will be a long and frankly soul destroying road ahead. Mistrust self doubt and suspicion.
I considered this when ex cheated but pretty quickly decided that it wasn't for me. I personally found it easier to deal with to split even after 18 yrs and 4 dc.
He also told me he loved her and I could see no way back.
It was hard but I think staying is harder and I made a nice life for me Nd the children.
Giid luck today.

pinkypig Sun 03-Mar-13 10:53:32

Good luck today. I found out last Monday that mine had been having an affair for 15 months. We have 4 kids 6, 4, 2 and 10 months.

I told him to leave while I think about what I want. I have zero desire to have him living under my roof. He is staying in a hostel as we have very little money (he lost his well-paid job last year as a result of the inter-office affair) so he is staying in a hostel. A huge come-down! He seems destroyed and says he wants to make amends, to make the marriage work. I think after this kind of situation, both parties need space to work out what they feel without the huge emotions around.
I don't know if I even like my husband anymore as the lying, cheating, grumpy man of the last 15 months was awful to live with (I put it down to the loss of job - sill me!)
Good luck you are not alone.

kalidanger Sun 03-Mar-13 10:57:00

Good luck OP I second all those you said you're brill and know what you're doing thanks

meditrina Sun 03-Mar-13 11:08:14

I don't think the advice about telling OW's DH is necessarily motivated by a wish to prevent further contact between them. It's about treating that DH like an adult and giving him information (which he may or may not already know) about the state of his relationship, thus enabling him to make decisions about his future based on his marriage as it actually is.

I think it's true that for as long as he has contact with OW, the affair cannot be over. That begs the question of whether forced severance will hasten realisation that, when bubble burst, he wants you not her. Or if it will just lead to over-romanticised thinking that she is the one who got away (corrosive in the longer term)?

But if you leave it up to him, how long are you prepared to put control of the timetable in his hands?

muddyboots Sun 03-Mar-13 21:05:23

Oh, pinkypig that is really shit. Well done for giving yourself space. I wish I'd done that and stuck with it. What do you think you'll do next?

I've been thinking about you DHtotalnob I hope you're ok and your 'meeting' with your 'D'H has been useful in clarifying stuff.

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 21:48:56

I would agree that you tell him you are finished and let him realise he has no option. If he wants you it will happen in time, Making him cut contact and 'being honest' etc is a lot of effort and he'll still think its all part of a game.Go for seperation and take it slowly.

DHtotalnob Mon 04-Mar-13 22:47:26

Okay, we met and it quickly became obvious that me and him were nowhere near at the same point in our thinking. He was all, 'yes, I want to cut down on my drinking and get more involved' , but hadn't thought at all about the 'how' part. He said he wasn't going to have therapy because he didn't need to and could make that changes himself. (Wtf????? So it's so easy, but you just couldn't be arsed before???).

Anyway, he was very far from crawling on broken glass ( TheNorthWitch ) and even said "what do you want me to say?" and "I'm not going to go over everything that's happened since 2003" etc and just making things worse.

We decided to talk practicalities about the kids, which we managed, and I said he needs to move out properly and before I know it we're agreeing to see what happens and take stock at the end of April. We then talked about telling DD1 (which I'd googled to death, and he'd done nothing) and that was sad. Then we bought some stuff for the kids and had a bit of a cry and then, as we were walking back to the tube I found myself saying "you are going to break contact with her aren't you" and he said yes he'd meet with her today and tell her blah blah blah.

Then, a few minutes later, it just hit me that I'd turned into exactly what I'm not, and doing exactly what I didn't want, and what all you generous souls have been supporting me against. Agreeing to 'see how it goes', asking for reassurance that he wouldn't see her again. Jesus - what happened to my head?? I stopped dead and just said no, sorry, I was getting mixed up between sorting kid stuff out and sorting us out, and please ignore what I'd previously said.

We left it at that, I came home and read the new posts and was absolutely clear in my thinking. He came up with nowhere near enough and I cannot afford to get involved in some stupid romantic drama and all the self-doubt etc etc that involves. I have 2 lovely children, and they need me 100%.

He came round yesterday and we told DD1 and that was so awful I just thought if he can let things get to that stage and still not want to change things then he really is disgusting. He put them to bed, then I very calmly told him that nothing he'd said had even come close to making things better and that it was over and I was going to move on from now. I felt fine - not on adrenaline but just calm.

Today has not been so good as I've been very teary (for the first time) and I think it's because telling DD1 just broke my heart (she didn't seem too bothered, but I know it's early days).

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. But a heartfelt thank you to each one of you. I'm still amazed at the number of people out there who are clever and articulate and so very very generous with their time. xxxxx

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 22:51:02

Bless you. It is hard to sway from peace to tears isn't it? I hope you can get real life support to have contact to call on when teary days are hard.xx

DHtotalnob Mon 04-Mar-13 22:51:12

and pinkypig, I really admire you for being strong with 4 little ones and all the rest of it. I can't imagine. I really hope we get what we deserve. xx

muddyboots Mon 04-Mar-13 23:19:51

So he hadn't told her it was over yet! Was he just hedging his bets to see what you would say first? I think that the 'see how it goes' approach would have been understandable if he had shown some willingness to change or understand your feelings but it doesn't seem like that was what he was offering.

Well done for keeping a straight head despite all the emotions. You are brilliant.

Ledkr Tue 05-Mar-13 07:43:01

Well fine op!! You sound exactly how I was.
I think in the initial shock of it all you disparately want everything to be normal again but like you I quickly realised that "normal" was gone Nd I didn't much care for the alternative.
Mine was saying all the wrong things too so I hedged my bets and booted him out.
It's been great!
He was fuming. Booked a holiday for us to "talk"
I changed his name to my sisters and had a lovely break on him.
We are better than needing to stay with a cheater.

pinkypig Wed 27-Mar-13 10:02:46

How are things going now OP?

onefewernow Wed 27-Mar-13 10:53:33

OP you are one admirable clear thinking self respecting intelligent woman.

Your hotel coup is a classic of genius proportions. You will get over this, and I hope the next man in your life realises how lucky he is.

DHtotalnob Fri 29-Mar-13 10:24:18

Thank you onefewer - I might copy your post to my phone for an instant boost in the down times. And I must admit I still laugh at the old hotel room switcheroo - cheeky sod!! You know when things are so awful, but you suddenly get a window of totally detached and objective thinking? With me it's usually something I can laugh at and a little goes a long way.

And pinkypig, I hope things are going at least in the right direction for you. I've come across a couple of recent posts from you in other threads and see you're making progress. Good for you! Although how you manage to even shower with 4 is amazing- I must admit I'm slightly less fragrant than I used to be.

So, an update......

A week later he came round to mind the children and we talked when I got back. He totally changed his tune, said he needed help to sort himself out (as in professional help) and was sobbing and sounding very much on the edge of a breakdown. He actually said some revealing things and had obviously been thinking (like he has realised he doesn't envisage the future and can't remember any emotions from the past - I'm sure that rings some psychotherapy bells). Then he said he was just going to concentrate on getting a flat and a job (did I mention he resigned just before I found out? Fully supported by muggins) and seeing DC etc. Didn't want divorce to proceed but knew I did etc etc. me still calm and I ended up giving him a hug and said to call if he feels really on the edge. OW - hadn't seen her and no intention to, although still with the 'can't think of that right now' qualifier.

So, ffwd a week and I'm just starting to agree to hold off on divorce, when suprise suprise!!!!..... I recover some deleted files and found they hooked up in the hotel the week after he left. Resolve instantly Regalvanised!!!!! Thank you very much!!

(oh, and he's so self absorbed that he probably didn't cross his mind that I investigate fraud in a global company for a job and might just know a forensic technique or two, the tit.)

Anyway, I left the file open and waited for him to get back (he has left, but was working from my home that day to do the school run). Waited out of sight. Heard a very satisfying "oh no! Oh no!" when he saw the file open (he thought I was out).

Then it all got a bit Reservoir Dogs in that I was calm as anything, he was shaking and daren't move, and I casually sat down and took my time and talked and asked him stuff and he replied to everything. I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!! I was on fire, even if I say so myself.

So, he's a bigger cliché than I ever thought. He's actually made it much easier for me. He's sorted in a flat close by and he can see that he has no sustainable hold over me emotionally. And actually, it's like he's been gone for ages and that's okay.

One thing he did say is that I don't hate him as much as he hates himself. I replied something like "I'm getting there", but actually he's right, I don't. I'm still furious and all the rest of it, but I'm moving slowly slowly towards indifference, and that's why I'll be okay.

(he has taken the DCs to his mum's today (difficult to wave them off and had a little cry), and I've gone back to bed! And I'm not even tired! Woo hoo!!!!)


Branleuse Fri 29-Mar-13 10:31:22

you are inspirational.

Im sorry youve had to go through this and been betrayed, but your attitude and strength is a breath of fresh air to read x

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 10:33:50

Feel free!

I am sort of pleased that given he was still bullshitting you, you discovered so early. I have been caught on that sort of " I have changed" approach too. The earlier the better, if its going to happen.

Why on earth they assume we are stupid, I just don't know.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 29-Mar-13 10:35:45

Yeah to 'eating a satsuma in a menacing manner' grin

You rock!!

Shame it took him being a total nob for you to see how awesome you are flowers

Keep on keeping on.

<practises eating a satsuma in a menacing manner>

Truly you are an inspiration OP.

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Mar-13 10:55:37

OP, you need to have a sticky post in OTBT now that you've told us: "I investigate fraud in a global company for a job."

You would be an amazing resource here.

something2say Fri 29-Mar-13 10:59:05

Yes you sound like a wonderful woman op and I feel sure you will go on to much happier times, and more peaceful xx. Your husband sounds like a man who perhaps wasn't good enough for you and you found out in the fullness of time.

dondon33 Fri 29-Mar-13 11:27:13

What a strong inspirational woman you are - you kick ass, I'm in awe.

Your H didn't and doesn't deserve you and while I'm sad you had to find more evidence confirming what a complete lying, cheating bastard he is, I'm glad that you did.

I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!!

smile smile smile
Thank you! for making me laugh (it's not easy at the moment)
Even made me nose splurt my coffee smile

I wish you and your DC the very very best for the future xx

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 29-Mar-13 11:50:58

I'm sorry that you are in this position, but bloody hell, you OWN it, don't you?! Mucho respect.

Lovingfreedom Fri 29-Mar-13 12:05:16

Like your style...I love the satsuma detail. Genius. The citrusy sweet smell of fear.

getthegirladrink Fri 29-Mar-13 13:00:50

Do you think we could petition for <eats satsuma in menacing manner> emoticon? smile

Fluffydeville Fri 29-Mar-13 16:44:06

I never post on these threads but just wanted to say you are f**king brill.

I would be so proud of you if you were my friend.

Next step is he totally falls apart and begs and begs to come home, and he will, to be honest, you sound like you are out of his league anyway, stick to your guns. It all just get's better from here (with some wobbly day's thrown in).

Sorry to hear he did this to you but yes, you are genius! Well done for siding him out.
Hearing his oh no, oh no, must indeed have been v satisfying!

Siding? I meant sussing

LadyWidmerpool Fri 29-Mar-13 17:35:58

OP you are awesome

MidnightMasquerader Fri 29-Mar-13 18:22:51

Without doubt, one of the most thoroughly satisfying posts I think I've ever read in the relationship board. smile

You're amazing.

ElectricSoftParade Fri 29-Mar-13 18:41:49

OP, I salute you. Keep on going petal.

Creameggkr Fri 29-Mar-13 18:43:20

Well done op. I wish more women had your guts.
He's been well and truly TOLD.

lemonstartree Fri 29-Mar-13 19:13:54

you are really awesome.

I salute you, a woman with self respect who knows her value.

One day I hope your "husband' realizes what he lost

muddyboots Fri 29-Mar-13 21:01:32

So glad you've come back to update.

I really don't understand why he thought he could get away with anything - you're obviously as sharp as an under-ripe satsuma!

Considering your job, and your satsuma skills, STBXH really didn't appreciate you at all, did he?

You have all the qualities to be a fantastic role model for your DD. Much better than being stuck in a relationship where you're begging DH to give up the OW and continually feeling that you need to snoop on him to see if he's really being straight with you. Just think what that would teach DD.

You sound fierce. My total and utter respect for how you handled this.

Roseypozy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:21:54

Hey DH
It's me Rosey, stay strong and focused , we are here right beside you , a lovely beautiful kind and caring woman like you deserve so much better darling xxxxxx

Roseypozy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:23:28

Yes same message from me too !!!

skyebluesapphire Sun 31-Mar-13 20:29:51

well done for being so strong. you will have some tough times ahead no matter how strong you are, but you will get through it with that attitude.

wishing you all the best

and laughing at the satsuma

Shellington Sun 31-Mar-13 20:37:07

Amazing update OP - you are a credit to your DC. Best wishes for a bright future x

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