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rant about men

(42 Posts)
sheridanielsmummy Fri 01-Mar-13 23:06:56

hey

I'm just in a rant mode i'm 20 and my partners 26, i don't know if i'm being selfish or just being a horrible girlfriend, but does any one else think there partners are taking the mick out of them.

We've been together nearly 2 years and have a 7 month old lb together. at first he was amazing, but now it just feels like he taking mick. don't get me wrong he works full time to support us. But as soon as hes home he's straight on the xbox, even while my sons up which i've told him to stop and he doesn't, and tonight he finished at 4 and didnt turn up home till 8 (no call/text nothing) claiming he was doing over time but coming home slurring his words and avoiding me. hes now decided hes taking £40 again to go out tomorrow leaving us skint and the council tax not being paid (again). plus its his birthday Tuesday and i know he will be out again.

he does this pretty much every week, then stays in bed saturday until sometime 3 in afternoon! gets up, plays xbox, eats tea, more xbox, bed. and then same week again.

feels like im just not appreciated anymore and he doesnt want to spend time with either of us.

any ideas how to make him realise. ive tried talking to him but he just gets deffensive and turns it round on me? sad x

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Fri 01-Mar-13 23:18:10

26? Not 11?

WTF is a guy with a partner and a child doing pissing around on the xbox.

Seem to be an entire generation of sulky,shiftless, perpetual teenaged boys coming up.

sheridanielsmummy Fri 01-Mar-13 23:33:06

thank you! not just me then, i think men are becoming younger by day mentally, he uses the excuse well my mates (with no kids/gf/jobs) do it! x

maleview70 Fri 01-Mar-13 23:37:55

Was your baby planned?

Men are immature at 26 without the responsibility of a baby.

He needs a kick up his arse to make him realise what he needs to be doing.

sheridanielsmummy Fri 01-Mar-13 23:43:57

no not planned, ive tried over and over, he just turns it on me and says im trying to take him away from his mates/taking his only 'me' time away x

fatfingers Fri 01-Mar-13 23:43:59

You are not being a horrible gf. You are being responsible. Have you sat down and talked to him calmly about these issues? It sounds like he has decided he wants to carry on a single man's life while you do all childcare/worrying about house and money.

Do you have joint finances? It sounds like you need to pay all the bills as soon as he gets paid so he can't spend his wages. Have you shown him income/outgoings and planned what is left to spend after bills are paid?

LuisGarcia Fri 01-Mar-13 23:44:17

You're not selfish, you're not a horrible girlfriend, and it's not men.

It's him.

fatfingers Fri 01-Mar-13 23:49:54

I agree, its not men - its this particular man - and you can't make him change if he doesn't want to. If you have tried over and over again to talk to him and he has decided he is still going to continue doing what he likes, perhaps it is time to change your behaviour instead. He has effectively told you he's not prepared to change so perhaps he needs to leave and be a single man if that is what he wants to be?

maleview70 Fri 01-Mar-13 23:54:36

In that case I can't see this ending well.

He will realise one day that having a child is the best thing that could happen to him.

Unfortunately it is likely to be when he is an outsider
Looking in.

sheridanielsmummy Fri 01-Mar-13 23:56:10

i try very often to have these conversations and he just ends up making me feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me and my son, i even asked him if he wanted to be here or wanted the single mans life back and his response was 'i cant believe you would say that, i hope you know that hurts'.

we dont technically have anything joint, but he refuses to open a bank account so his wages go into my bank, (which he often takes to work with him as if his own) he seems to have a delusional opinion on how much bills/rent etc cost. until he moved in with me he lived rent free in a pub with his landlord, didnt pay a penny and spent all his wages on drinks? x

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 00:04:05

It's him.
Not all men are like this...but this guy is barely man and is really just a boy.
He doesn't sound like a nice partner to have.

What are you thinking of doing next? I am assuming you have already sounded all this out with him and got nowhere....

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 00:05:21

Ah.. cross posted.
So you have discussed these issues and hot a brick wall. What will you do now?

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 00:08:36

hot? I mean hit

fatfingers Sat 02-Mar-13 00:11:53

My dh was like this when our first dc was born. I cannot believe I put up with it in hindsight. I did eventually snap, as I realised that I would be better off financially and emotionally without him. Once I understood this, I was able to tell him calmly and seriously that it was over and he needed to leave - no argument, no discussion, no interest in him defending his actions and blaming me. Suddenly he decided that he wanted to change and things improved!

If you want to stay with this man, I would start by taking your bank card back off him. If he needs money for work he will have to take it out of the cashpoint the night before. I would make a spreadsheet of bills so you both know exactly how much money there is to spend after bills ever month and you can then split this evenly.

But the question has to be asked - why is it only you who has to put the effort in? He is accusing you of hurting him by asking if he wants to be single but he doesn't seem to care that he is hurting you by his actions. He is the selfish one.

usualsuspect Sat 02-Mar-13 00:15:29

My DP is not like this.

So it's not all men.

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 00:23:54

i might try that fatfingers, i have been close to snapping for a while and just seem to be going round in circles. he sees at his wages because he works while im at home. i know financially i would be better off without him, but i dont know how i would cope emotionally, if im honest its like im clinging on because i have noone else x

LuisGarcia Sat 02-Mar-13 01:10:59

A minor clarification, please. You have a son together?

TisILeclerc Sat 02-Mar-13 07:18:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Sat 02-Mar-13 07:20:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Sat 02-Mar-13 07:30:51

Rant about men? It's sad you picked an arse to have a child with but not all men are like this, hopefully you'll know better next time.

TDada Sat 02-Mar-13 07:35:06

Tell him that The Dada will come over and kick his selfish bum

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 07:38:24

He must have been like this before you had a baby? frankly the xbox would have been enough for me to terminate the relationship before it even got as far as the baby stage.

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 07:39:47

if im honest its like im clinging on because i have noone else x

There's your answer. Leave now, there is nothing in the relationship for you. Don't cling on.

Ledkr Sat 02-Mar-13 07:46:22

Ask yourself what you will lose/gain from going it alone.
The best possible scenario is that he'd wake up and sort himself out and the worst is you'd be alone to have mates round instead of being in your own all the time and the bills will be paid and you will have some money for yourself.
Easy decision.
Not all men are like this.:

fatfingers Sat 02-Mar-13 10:48:28

Have you got any other family/friends? I had family who lived some distance away and I realised that my life was a hell of a lot harder living with a manchild than it would be if I lived on my own with dc, closer to my family and friends.

I know very well how lonely it is doing everything for your dc on your own while your dp lies in bed. Ime that is worse than being single because there is someone in the house who could help you but is actively choosing not to.

gtedder1 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:52:41

sheridanielsmummy - my ex husband used to come home every evening and sit on his computer playing games and most weekends were spent like that too....sometimes from morning till evening. i would go to bed at night while he would be sat downstairs still playing computer games till very late. If it wasn't the computer it was games on his iphone. most evenings were spent with us sat on seperate sofas, no conversation or anything. Just him engrossed in his games. He didn't seem to help much with DS. And my ex is 40!! Whenever, i complained, he said that he shud be allowed to spend his evenings and wkends as he wishes because he goes to work and pays the bills. We were together 4 years and things just got worse so i left him 5 months ago and have never been happier. smile smile

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 19:44:05

I have pretty much noone around me and cant afford to move, he basically gone out again tonight at 5, came back just now and just because i told him not to come back if hes drunk (last time he fell into the cot) hes stormed out with my bank card in a paddy and gone out with his mates who are all into drugs.

the xbox was a once in a while thing before i had our lb, just seems hes getting more irresponsible every day x

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 19:47:05

I have pretty much noone around me and cant afford to move, he basically gone out again tonight at 5, came back just now and just because i told him not to come back if hes drunk (last time he fell into the cot) hes stormed out with my bank card in a paddy and gone out with his mates who are all into drugs.

the xbox was a once in a while thing before i had our lb, just seems hes getting more irresponsible every day x

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 19:50:21

I have pretty much noone around me and cant afford to move, he basically gone out again tonight at 5, came back just now and just because i told him not to come back if hes drunk (last time he fell into the cot) hes stormed out with my bank card in a paddy and gone out with his mates who are all into drugs.

the xbox was a once in a while thing before i had our lb, just seems hes getting more irresponsible every day x

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 19:51:03

No. Not all men are like this. Not even most of them.

don't convince yourself that this is how men are, because you are more likely to accept the unacceptable.

you have tried to talk to him. He doesn't want to hear you.

Perhaps it's time to say look, this is what I want in a partner. If you can't be that person, we can't be together. I want an equal, adult partner who is a responsible father, not a man child who prioritises getting drunk and whatever else with mates and playing video games over being a grown up.

maybe it's time you told him that he, as he is, is not what you want in life and he has to make a choice.

because carrying on like this is no good, is it?

He's acting like a kid and you are acting like his mum.

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 19:53:17

i know i am and thats why i am getting so annoyed, he used to be completly opposite, but since having my lb i dont know whats got into him, i tried again tonight and hes stormed off x

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 19:54:53

So what are you going to do?

cats22 Sat 02-Mar-13 19:57:10

It's not your fault. You can't fix him. Who have you got in real life to talk to about leaving? You need a plan.

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 20:09:20

i dont know i have people i cant speak to but i have no money or anything to move out and dont know if i would get any help x

cats22 Sat 02-Mar-13 20:27:02

There is a website where you can find out about tax credits etc. Google it, you can find out exactly how much you will get as a single mum. Can't imagine you will be worse off than you are now with your partner drinking all the money.

You need to ask around to find out if there is help available in your area. Try the council, sure start or your health visitor. Have you got any friends/family you could stay with temporarily while you find a place to go? Good luck xx

You need to call Womens Aid tonight; they can and will help you here.
Their number is 0808 2000 247.

They can help you get out but you need to take the first (often the most hardest of steps) to leave this abusive manchild you are with. It will do you and your child no good at all to remain with such a man, he will destroy you both ultimately.

fatfingers Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:03

Have a look at the entitled to website. That tells you what you can claim. Is your property rented? Is it in joint names? Take the bank card off him tonight so he can't keep spending the family money

sheridanielsmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 23:10:30

rented in my name and hes taken it with him on a night out and withdrawn everything, just checked my online and hes taken all his wages out x

cats22 Sun 03-Mar-13 12:46:09

Have you got your card back? What are you going to do? You can't continue like this, you need to get away.

cats22 Sun 03-Mar-13 12:50:15

Rented in your name is good, get some advice.

If the home is in your name only you can just throw him out. And if he says he's not going, you can call the police to come and remove him by force. You do need to get him out as soon as possible, and either get the bank card off him or contact the bank and get it cancelled and a new one issued to you. He will probably fuck off and not make a pest of himself over contact, but you should get advice from WOmen's Aid - and the CSA so you get some money off him.
Best of luck.

ChestyLeRoux Sun 03-Mar-13 13:51:17

Cant believe people are making out 26 is young.Most men I know are dads by that age,and loads of them dont act like this.

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