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To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

(538 Posts)
WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 15:57:13

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him confused

squeakytoy Fri 01-Mar-13 15:58:42

so what does the rest of his money go on, if all he pays is £100 a week?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 01-Mar-13 15:59:38

Who earns more?

mistlethrush Fri 01-Mar-13 16:00:17

You need to sit down and write out all the incomings and outgoings and find out where the money (in general) is going. Then you need to find out what's happening to any money that he has left from his wage. Why does he have a separate account from yours if all the outgoings are from yours? You should both have an agreed level of money to spend at the end of the month once all bills (inc kids clothes etc) are covered.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:04:58

He earns more than me. I'm on Minimum wage, he gets about £4 an hour more than me. He saves a bit of his wage for summer holidays and just keeps the rest I guess. As I said if I ask he will give me it but I don't feel I should have to ask.

BeebiesQueen Fri 01-Mar-13 16:05:38

it depends what your budget is. dh transfers £162 into my account fortnightly to pay for grocries and the dc clothes. Sometimes I ask for more and dh will ask what for, just as when dh says I'm going to spend x from the joint account today I always ask what on too.

Its not a controll thing, its a we share our lives and money thing.

but it depens entirely what your budget is and weather dh gets spends etc too.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:07:12

We have seperate accounts and a savings account that we just use for transfers etc. never got round to opening a joint account. Maybe we should.

squeakytoy Fri 01-Mar-13 16:08:14

sounds very unfair and unequal to me..

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:08:48

I think it's the fact he can nip into town on a Saturday and buy himself a top for example but I need to ask him for cash if I want to.

Definitely need to review the situation.

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 01-Mar-13 16:09:06

We've always had a joint account. Regardless of who earns what, my OH earns 4 times what I do but whatever is in the bank is ours.

foreverondiet Fri 01-Mar-13 16:09:15

I agree with mistletrush - why should he have money left to spend if you don't. Need to have conversation about money.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 01-Mar-13 16:10:01

You definitely need a joint account.

You should both have the same 'spending money' each month after groceries, bills, things for the children and regular savings are accounted for.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:13:28

Also if he was to transfer £30 over just now and I went and bought the gifts for my friends I want to buy, on Sunday if I needed another Fiver for say a nail varnish , he'll say "have you spent all that I gave you on Friday". hmm It grates on me.

EuroShaggleton Fri 01-Mar-13 16:16:04

Yep, you need a joint account for joint expenses.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 01-Mar-13 16:16:43

Are you really saying that you pay all the rent/mortgage, electric, council tax etc from your account, and your husband contributes just £400 a month from his salary (around £1500 a month maybe, from what you've said)?

MissCalamity Fri 01-Mar-13 16:18:12

YANBU, this would really wind me up! It's almost like you have to justify wanting to spend a little bit of cash on yourself.

We have a joint account and pay in 60% of our net salaries, OH is also paid weekly so I just worked it out on a monthly basis (luckily he does leave all the money part to me!) and then the 40% of our salary is left to spend how we wish. OH earns £5k more a year than me, so it's definitely fairer to work it out on percentage rather than the same if we're earning different amounts.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:18:17

Yeah boulevard. Apart from the electric, that's correct. what a mug I am

YouTheCat Fri 01-Mar-13 16:19:10

If he is earning more may be he should be paying more than the food out of his earnings? Sounds a bit one-sided really.

Inertia Fri 01-Mar-13 16:20:38

This is crazy - he earns more than you and only has to pay for food ?

You need to pay bills out of a joint account that you both pay into, in proportion to your income.

Instead of saying you need money to buy gifts, tell him you need him to transfer money to pay his share of the council tax / water rates /school uniform etc - because that's where the problem lies.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 01-Mar-13 16:22:15

So ALL your salary goes on household bills, and he gets a grand a month to spend on himself?!

Er... how did this situation start in the first place?

BeebiesQueen Fri 01-Mar-13 16:22:40

wow, then that does sound very unfair. You need to have a conversation. bills should be split according to earnings (imo) so approx 60/40. or all money should go in 1 account that all bills come out of and whats left gets split 50/50, depending on if you prefer to keep money separate.

But your current situation just doesnt sound quite right.

ENormaSnob Fri 01-Mar-13 16:23:02

What are your outgoings per month in total inc food?

I would be expecting 50% from him tbh.

Sounds like he's taking the piss.

happyhorse Fri 01-Mar-13 16:24:23

I am shocked by the unfairness of this. Why do you put up with working full time and having no money to call your own?

5madthings Fri 01-Mar-13 16:24:28

Wtf you pay pretty much everything and he pays foir food yet he earns more?!!

We just have a joint account and dp doesn't question what I spend.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:26:05

He used to obviously pay for everything when I was a SAHM, then we split up for a bit, I got a ft job, everything was set up in my account and when we got back together everything has stayed the same.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 01-Mar-13 16:28:29

What do you think would happen if you sat him down, talked him through the costs of running the house, and asked him to contribute more?

FelicityWasCold Fri 01-Mar-13 16:28:40

Why are you doing this? Sounds crazy. You pay for everything bar the grocery bill? And he earns more?


Get a joint account tomorrow. Or LTB. Or change the arrangement around so that he pays for everything except groceries. Chose one of those options OP but don't allow this to continue.

toddlerama Fri 01-Mar-13 16:30:31

alice this needs changing. I can see how you've drifted into it, but if you are staying together you need a joint account. Either everything goes in one pot or you pay equitable proportions in to cover the bills. There is no way in hell a grown man hasn't realised what a ridiculously unfair situation this is.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:33:22

Boulevard, he probably would turn it into an argument. I think he's under the impression I squander money on crap.

I'm definitely going to speak to him tonight. Kids are away to my parents for a sleepover and I'm sitting with £3 in my purse and fancy a glass or 5 of wine, he's not home until 8pm...

thebody Fri 01-Mar-13 16:33:40

Errrrr you need to get a grip of him love.

Fuck this putting a bit into your account!!!

One pot for all money for both to have access to...

End of..

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 01-Mar-13 16:34:27

Why did you split up?

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:39:19

We split up due to infidelity on his part. I was better off financially when we split actually.

I should add he pays for the kids clubs/activities which is about £30 per week . Whoopi doo! Oh and his beloved car his paid by him.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 01-Mar-13 16:39:37

I was afraid you might say that.

By the way, if his weekly pre-tax salary is £400 (and assuming you have 2 DC together), his CSA payment would be £64 a week if you were to split up.
And you wouldn't be feeding him out of that.

Something to bear in mind maybe.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 01-Mar-13 16:40:03

(x-post, i was referring to the argument)

hugoagogo Fri 01-Mar-13 16:40:34

Even if you don't want a joint account and they don't work for everyone, he should be paying half the bills and rent as well as the cash for food and kids clothes he is giving you now.

He is acting like you are living off him, when really he is living off you. hmm

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:43:07

Yeah, something to think about. We have 3 children smile

I had to cancel my first hair dressers app in a year last week as he was at work and forgot to transfer the money grr'

Losingexcessweight Fri 01-Mar-13 16:49:11

Wow just wow.

Lueji Fri 01-Mar-13 16:49:39

Why exactly are you back with him?

His control over his money is not healthy for a relationship.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 16:50:48

'We split up due to infidelity on his part. I was better off financially when we split actually.

I should add he pays for the kids clubs/activities which is about £30 per week . Whoopi doo! Oh and his beloved car his paid by him.'

And you will be again.

It always blows my mind how people get back with gits like this and put up with behaviour like this.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 16:51:06

I've been questioning that a lot recently lueji

HecateWhoopass Fri 01-Mar-13 16:55:33

good grief.

He's got a good life, hasn't he?

You really pay practically everything and earn less than him and he questions you about the little he does contribute?

From the comfort of the home you are paying for?

And he couldn't even keep it in his pants. sad

Yes, you are right. You are a mug. Is this really the life you want?

LadyPessaryPam Fri 01-Mar-13 17:04:28

Well OP he sounds like a true catch. I would get rid of him TBH.

crashdoll Fri 01-Mar-13 17:09:42

Get rid, you are worth more than that. sad

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 17:11:17

Wrt to the cheating, it took a lot for me to even consider it, I never thought I believed in second chances but he was genuinely sorry and worked hard to win back my trust. I became quite seriously ill after we split and I guess depended on him quite a bit.

Maybe now he is under the impression I need him so badly that he can act like this with his cash, I don't know.

TheCrackFox Fri 01-Mar-13 17:13:59

Maybe point out that if he had to move into his own flat and pay the CSA it would leave him with very little money at the end of the month. £400 is an utter pittance. Tell him to piss off.

oldraver Fri 01-Mar-13 17:16:53

Crikey he gets food, lodgings all bills paid and his cock sucked for £103 per week ?

Wow, just wow

Phineyj Fri 01-Mar-13 17:24:04

My DH does not 'do' finances and often expresses surprise at how much our joint expenses are -- but as we do pay them jointly it's surprising how far you can get with 'well I'll give up X if you give up Y'. As he never wants to 'give up Y'! Do show him what the money goes on each month -- it is not respectful of him to be making you justify ordinary expenditure like a child asking for pocket money.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 17:26:20

That's what I feel like, a child.

malteserzz Fri 01-Mar-13 17:27:44

I could not live like that having to ask for money ! I hope you get it sorted

I would list a list of all your outgoings and your salary. Then I would list all of his outgoings and salary.

Then I would add all joint expenses and divide in two, he pays 50% of all household costs.

If he doesn't want to then I would ask him to leave. But reminding him he will have to pay 15% - 25% of his salary (depending on how many children you have) plus his own household costs.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 17:34:02

'I never thought I believed in second chances but he was genuinely sorry and worked hard to win back my trust.'

Worked hard to get his feet back under the table and his cock sucked for £103/week, more likes.

I'd send him packing.

jojane Fri 01-Mar-13 17:34:34

Make a list of All outgoings, rent, bills, petrol, kids clubs, food, haircuts, clothes for kids/ uniform etc, cleaning stuff, school dinners, school trips etc, toiletries etc.
Monthly expenses obviously keep same figure. Make a list of yearly expenses - holidays, Xmas, birthday parties, school shoes etc and divide by 12. You will then have your monthly totally expenditure that needs covering. It is then up to you to decide how much each of you contributes (include his expenses that benefit the family so car as a presume you get driven places etc but if he refuses to drive you then don't include it)

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 17:39:00

So all this list-making and budget-making, it's the OP's job to prove and justify herself to her cheating, skinflint husband who treats her like a naughty schoolchild?

Kicking him out will be so much easier than continually having to prove to an adult how much it costs to run his family.

Meglet Fri 01-Mar-13 17:55:18

Yanbu. He is taking massive amounts of piss.

You need a serious talk about splitting finances equally and if he won't do it then LTB. My XP took always kept spending money to himself, when he went I suddenly found myself slightly better off as it wasn't being squandered down the pub and I could control all the household finances.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 17:55:26

I will see what he has to say about it all tonight. I agree I really shouldn't have to spell it bout to him. He knows exactly how much I pay out. Maybe he needs a reality check.

ENormaSnob Fri 01-Mar-13 17:55:34

Ffs woman, get rid of this freeloading, cheating prick.

FelicityWasCold Fri 01-Mar-13 18:21:01

Good luck Alice- all cards on the table tonight, then you will know categorically where you stand.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 18:26:46

'I will see what he has to say about it all tonight. I agree I really shouldn't have to spell it bout to him. He knows exactly how much I pay out. Maybe he needs a reality check. '

Maybe? He's getting all room and board paid AND his dick sucked for £103/week. And you think maybe he needs a reality check? He's taking you for a mug. And why not? He's done so before and it's always worked in his favour.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 18:38:50

You're right expat.

And just ftr I don't suck his cock, never have done, probably why he went elsewhere...

CaptainVonTrapp Fri 01-Mar-13 18:40:21

What expat said is harsh and absolutely true.

You're paying to hang on to this loser. Bloody hell I bet he thinks he's landed on his feet!

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 18:54:16

He went elsewhere because he's a cock, Alice. And he still is, a freeloading one.

Jemma1111 Fri 01-Mar-13 19:09:19

He sounds a right controlling bastard .

This amounts to financial abuse , who the fuck does he think he is ?
I agree with others , do yourself a massive favour and get rid.

Trills Fri 01-Mar-13 19:13:01

You need to sort out a budget.

Joint account that you both have access to - this account gets enough to cover all household and child-related costs. Rent/bills/food/children's stuff - remembering things like insurance or TV licence that only need paying once a year. Both agree how much this needs, both can buy groceries etc from this account.

Savings account that you both have access to. Agree how much goes in it. Neither touches it without both agreeing.

Two separate accounts where you only have access to your own. The "leftover money" after you account for the household budget is split equally. Spend this on haircuts or computer games or golf clubs or touche eclat or horseriding lessons or whatever you like. You can't complain about how the other person spends their spending money.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 19:14:02

She doesn't need to do anything. He is the one who should be because he's already proven himself a cheating, lying, freeloading bastard.

Trills Fri 01-Mar-13 19:18:06

That's a plural "you". You as a couple. The two of you. That kind of "you".

Budget-deciding can only be done as a couple. It can't be decided and enforced by one person.

Either that or she (you singular) should decide that he is not worth the hassle and that she is better off without him.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 19:39:51

Well he's on his way home, be interesting how this will pan out. hmm

Inertia Fri 01-Mar-13 19:51:44

Given that he's a proven adulterer, is there any chance that this is what he's spending his money on ?

As he is clearly a liar, then tread carefully with joint accounts. Maybe the answer is to insist on a direct debit transfer of 50 per cent of total bills (including the children's expenses) into the account the bills are paid from .

ImperialBlether Fri 01-Mar-13 19:55:54

I think you are living with an incredibly selfish man. He's shown you he's a cheating, financially abusive man. Get rid, OP; you're worth so much more than this.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 01-Mar-13 20:04:05

Can I move in with you please,that's a damn sight cheaper than my bills cost me and I don't snore nor would you ever have to see me naked.

You know this is wrong if you didnt we wouldn't be having this conversation,forgive me of I'm wrong but it sounds like you are probably living to a simerler standard of someone who is single and out of work at the same time as he is living the same standard of a single person with two incomes.

Can anyone who can do maths work out how much he would have to pay if OP kicked his sorry arse out and contacted the CSA? If it's more than 400/month then maybe pointing that out will focus his mind for the discussion.

Alice you are being taken for a mug. He cheated and was rewarded with a much cushier life. How does that teach him anything?

Darkesteyes Fri 01-Mar-13 20:30:15

Alice this is financial abuse. You are being abused by this lying cheating fuckwit. Please get some help and advice from Womens Aid.

FelicityWasCold Fri 01-Mar-13 20:36:36

I make it £83 a week and she wouldn't be feeding him or paying to heat the water for his showers etc... Etc... Also without his presence in the household she may be eligible for other benefits.... So all in all better off and with a lot more dignity I'd imagine.

Felicity thanks I think you are right. I'd pay 17 quid a week to be rid of this nonsense myself.

FelicityWasCold Fri 01-Mar-13 20:45:48

Quite- cheap at twice the price.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 01-Mar-13 20:49:48

OP, did you talk to him? How did it go?

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 21:22:02

Well he came in with a takeaway and whilst we were eating I mentioned the whole financial situation. I told him I want a fairer deal and haven own cash and not have to keep asking him for cash.

He laughed, then said I know I can have money anytime I ask, to which I said that was the problem, I don't want to have to ask.

Anyway before I even had a chance to tell him I'm not paying all the bills out my wages he stormed out the room. Came back in and frisbee tossed his bank card at me which caught me in the fucking eye. He rushed over to me and I just screamed at him to pack a bag and get out. I'm done. He's apologised about 20 times but ice told him I need space and can't even look at him. Least the kids aren't here sad My eye hurts like fuck.

I'm so sorry he reacted this way.

Hope your ok. And stick to it make him go tonight. Call the police if you have to.

FelicityWasCold Fri 01-Mar-13 21:25:05

sad. Oh Alice I'm sorry. Has he left the house?

hugoagogo Fri 01-Mar-13 21:34:57

Oh Alice, have you anybody that can come and sit with you?

I don't like to think of you on your own tonight.

snowshapes Fri 01-Mar-13 21:37:07

I hope you are okay, and that he has gone.. He has been taking advantage and you deserve better. Agree it would be good if you have someone to be with you.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 21:45:01

He's in the bedroom, I'm in the bathroom. I'm hoping he's packing a bag. I've text my friend to come round but her dc are sick.

I hope he is too. Do you have anyone else you could try?

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 21:50:52

He needs to get out. He brought home a takeaway didn't even have the common decency to ask if you wanted one? That got arsey when the game of his freeloading fuckwittery is up and pitched the card at you? I hope you didn't give it back to him! I'd fucking clean his fucking account out and then call the police to make sure he leaves.

Littleturkish Fri 01-Mar-13 21:51:19

Oh honey is your eye ok?

What an utter prick.

Call another friend?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 01-Mar-13 21:54:40

Oh, you poor thing. Try to find someone else to come round. Where are the kids?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 01-Mar-13 21:54:45

He did that because he knows he's behaving badly and wanted to be all dramatic to try and convince you that your in the wrong.

Did words to this effect "omg your sucha money grabber,go on take it all see if I care" also come out of his mouth in a stroppy tone?

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 21:59:29

I don't know what to do, I just told him to go again. The kids are home about 10am tomorrow and I want to be here when my parents drop them off. I'm going to need to ask them for a loan of cash until I get paid in 2 weeks.. Can't believe he's done this, everything he's put me through and now this shit. I'm exhausted with it all.

I read that as he got a takeaway for them both.

Massive overreaction from ops partner there though!

YouTheCat Fri 01-Mar-13 22:01:24

Trying to make you feel guilty because you have to ask him for money isn't good. But, if he's still there, now would be a good time to calm down and have a good honest chat.

I would usually just say LTB but it's always worth a good chat. You aren't a mind reader and neither is he.

Good luck OP

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 22:02:23

'. I told him I want a fairer deal and haven own cash and not have to keep asking him for cash. '

And you will once you stop paying for his arse.

Take a photo of your eye, now. He may have scratched your cornea. If so, you will need to see a doctor.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 22:03:11

An honest chat? Whilst her eye is scratched and hurts?!

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 22:04:41

Get online and transfer money to your account. He's lucky you haven't called the police.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 01-Mar-13 22:05:12

What expat said.

Honest chat my arse.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 22:10:02

I can only transfer money when he puts it in the savings account which is totally empty, I've checked already. If he even has an ounce of decency he'll transfer some funds over. He knows dd has a birthday party tomorrow and I need to buy a present .

Littleturkish Fri 01-Mar-13 22:13:30

Has he gone yet?

Borrowing off your parents until he sorts out PROPER payments is better.

Darkesteyes Fri 01-Mar-13 22:19:55

OP im so sorry this happened. I suspected hed do his nut and turn it back onto you once hed realised his game was up. Fucking freeloading abusive arsehole. Agree with expat. Hes lucky you havent called the police.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 22:44:53

He said he's not going, he's getting picked up for work at 7am. I'm just going to sleep in dd's room. He's sitting watching telly like nothing's happened. My eye is stinging, I need to hold it shut because it hurts when I blink. What a nightmare, just want to curl up in a ball and hide sad

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 22:47:41

So he threw it at you knowing full well you couldn't get any money, and you hope he has any deceny?

He has likely scratched your cornea.

You need to ring the police. He needs to go. If your eye continue to hurt you need to see a doctor and tell them the truth.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 22:48:39

The pain will get worse.

PLEASE take a photo of your eye! It would be preferable to ring the cops but I realise you won't.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 01-Mar-13 22:52:33

You do know that if you call the police he will have to go don't you?

And his bail conditions can prohibit him returning as an a police obtained protection order

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 22:53:17

shock that is not nice or fair he's having more money than you.

all our money goes into one pot, which all bills etc come out of, then we both have a equal amount of spending money to spend on whatever we like

works very well for us

Please make sure your eye is OK. Get it looked at.

MammaTJ Fri 01-Mar-13 22:55:22

Well that was more interesting than expected.

My DP and me have a great arrangement. We have a joint account which his wages get paid into, I have my own account ,which my wages and tax credits get paid into.

I am responsible for the bills, but also have access to all the money at all times. My DP does not necessarily have this!! grin

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 22:58:43

I'm not too comfortable calling the police, 2 of his close friends are police officers at my local station. I know it would serve him right for his friends to see what he's like but I don't know, it's a small community chances are one or both may be on duty. I know I'm a total coward.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 23:03:17

Thanks MrsTP, I will.

Thanks everyone for all advice, much appreciated.

AnneofGreenFables Fri 01-Mar-13 23:04:05

I know it's weird and a bit scary the first time you call the police on your DP/ DH but hopefully you'll find they'll help you by making him leave so at least you can have some space.

I was relieved how seriously they took it when I rang them about XH, seriously it was the best move I made. Brought it home that his behaviour was not only unacceptable but downright criminal.

Get him gone. Please thanks

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 23:08:47

All the more reason to call them!

You need to take a photo of your eye and get it looked at. Corneal abrasions are not like normal scratches.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 23:10:52

Can they make him leave? If he says it was an accident, will they believe me, it's my word against his.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 23:13:30

I've taken a picture expat. The annoying thing is I wear glasses I had taken them off to put moisturiser on just before he chucked the card. They would have protected my eye against flying missiles.

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 23:17:56

i would personally call the police, its the only way to get him out

so sorry this has happened to you op
you do not deserve this

i am worried what he could do to you, please call the police and get your eye seen asap too

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 23:20:36

Yes, they can make him leave. Even if he says it was an accident. Wouldn't they all? We got into a row and I accidentally pushed her.

zipzap Fri 01-Mar-13 23:21:53

After reading the start of this thread I was going to suggest looking at the moneysavingexpert site - they have some really good budget planner information to work out easily monthly budgets and to help you see what you are spending and when/where, which is a good starting point.

I think also if your dh is not buying food or doing the supermarket shop or buying the clothes and the school uniforms etc etc then he probably doesn't realise quite how much all those things have gone up by in the last few years as there are just a few odd things that have managed to come down in price or stay ticking along the same and if they see those it's easy to conveniently pretend think that everything else is the same too.

If I'm out shopping with dh (not a natural shopper at the best of times!) he is always horrified by how much things cost - he think he should be able to get a weekly shop, a new interview suit and a meal out for a fiver and still have 3'n'6 left over! he does realise he is bad though and it is a long running joke, plus he is happy to pay up for things at today's prices without question when it comes to opening his wallet.

but just a couple of examples - about 5 years ago in asda I could get a box of their cheapy tissues for 25p. Today they cost almost 70p - which is almost 3 times the price. Petrol - 5 years ago I could fill my car up for about £40, now it's almost £60. And whilst it's technically possible to buy 8 burgers for a pound still - they are now the basic value ones that are made of all sorts of dodgy horse meat and fat and reclaimed meat sludge rather than ones that have proper minced beef in that provide some nutritional value. Downshifting products is all well and good for a while but there comes a point where you can't do it any further without risk to your health or sanity.

OK so I can get an all singing all dancing latest whizzy flat screen tv for a hundred or two less than the same thing would have cost last year, but as I don't buy those every week or even every year or two, I'm not actually saving that much; the things that are going up in price are a much bigger percentage of my overall total shopping basket and it is rocketing in price. And of course bills have been rocketing too.

Which means that if he has been giving you £100 the whole time that you have been together, your purchasing power with that £100 each is diminishing week on week sad and so he should at least have been upping it each year to keep you able to buy the same amount of stuff - and increasing it as I'm sure that as your kids are getting older they need more stuff - they will eat more, clothes get more expensive, they just become more expensive as they start to have hobbies or do sport etc etc.

It's still probably worth doing a budget with the help of the mse stuff - it will help you to see how much you have been spending and how much he hasn't. I bet if you were to ask him, your 'd'h would think that you are both paying pretty much the same amount towards the family expenditure and has no clue how much things actually cost. Much easier for him to pretend think that and say that you are frittering the rest of your own money away than actually face up to how much modern day life costs and have to give a much bigger chunk of money into the pot and have less to fritter away himself.

Maybe if you are able to talk to him about it at some point it will be a way of talking without him kicking off as it will be a neutral independent way of looking at expenditure and he won't be able to pretend any more about the money situation.

or if you are managing to talk about this and he is being reasonable, point out that if you asked him to transfer all his money over to you, apart from the £30 for childcare and any other costs you know he has (say a bus pass or canteen lunch or things that are really regular things) and he had to ask you for an extra £30 here or £50 there every time he fancied a take away or buying a new shirt then he would hate it with a vengeance. So why does he think that situation is unfair when you would obviously give him the money when he asked for it... And when it is what he is expecting you to do at the moment.

I hope that you manage to sort something out that brings you peace of mind with regard to your relationship and your financial stability both in the immediate future and in the longer term. And I hope that your eye stops hurting soon - do get it looked at if it hurts for too long! take care of yourself - have some thanks and wine and some un-mn hugs in the meantime.

anonacfr Fri 01-Mar-13 23:23:43

The accident was hitting your eye. Aggressively throwing a credit card at your face was deliberate.

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 23:24:45

it, is very worrying, that as soon as you tried to talk to him about things, he just flipped out, almost as if to say, don't you dare question me or i will be really horrible to you, to try and make you fear bringing up issues with him.
he sounds very controlling to me

this plus the cheating plus the financial abuse, you derserve so much more.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 23:26:32

zipzap, please read the rest of this thread. This person is abusive.

You need to get your eye seen to. The card could have ruptured your retina, and you might need antibiotic ointment for your eye.

He is financially and emotionally abusive. Can you get to A&E? You can tell them your h threw a credit card in your face when you asked him for money.

LayMizzRarb Fri 01-Mar-13 23:33:05

If he earns £4 an hour above minimum wage, and works 15 hours a day, he must be rolling in it.
I'm really curious (nosey) what work does he do? - starting at 4am and finishing in the evening

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 23:34:32

Zip zap, thanks for the link. I'll have a look tomorrow. Always looking for ways to cut down expenditure.

Blacktaildog,, no matter what I speak to him about he snaps. When I met him all those years ago I was a very open person about my feelings, now sometimes I think I'm not capable of having any feelings good or bad. I feel I can't talk to him about anything. He's become unapproachable.

He's gone, told him I was going to call police and he said "for fuck sake, I'll go then, see how you manage with fk all money for 2 weeks"

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 23:36:23

'He's gone, told him I was going to call police and he said "for fuck sake, I'll go then, see how you manage with fk all money for 2 weeks" '

Good riddance to an abusive fuckwit who'd leave his kids with FA money for a fortnight out of spite.

Get your eye seen to! It might be nothing, but if it is, you really need AB drops for the eye.

That parting shot showed his true colours. There is no misinterpreting that as anything other than controlling you with money and punishing you with money. That = financial abuse. No other words for it.

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 23:37:56

i'm so sorry alice, you've done well to get him out, now the trick is to keep him out.
do you want to get rid of him for good?

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 23:41:30

when you seperated before, what did you need to do? i'm guessing get benefits sorted, is that something you could look into tomorrow?
i think you said you was better of when you were seperated?
and you will be better off in so many ways
i would also ask your parents for help, if you were my dd, i would love to help you back on the straight and narrow, i will try and help you, if you want me too.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 01-Mar-13 23:47:39

And now you have his true colours.

What a wanker.

Yes the police will take it seriously his friends will not be able to fob you off, even if he says it was an accident it won't matter it would not have connected with your eye if it wasn't thrown at you. I'm Just glad he didnt have anything heavy in his hand.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 23:50:49

Blacktaildog, that is so kind. Thank you. After tonight's events I can't be with him. Last time when we split I worked 20 hours per week and I got help with rent payments and a council tax reduction. I work 40 hours now so I will manage fine, just need to tighten the purse strings.I'll be a whole lot happier anyway. I just need to stay strong and stick to my guns because I've realised he has grind me down, thinking I need him when I don't.

HillBilly76 Fri 01-Mar-13 23:51:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

WomanCalledAlice Fri 01-Mar-13 23:52:17

MrsTP, definitely shown his true colours.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Mar-13 23:54:34

You don't need anyone who treats you like this.

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 23:56:15

i'm so glad you have realised you are better off without him.
i would have thought you would be able to get some sort of help, even if you do work 40hrs on nmw, it might be worth a quick call to check.
as for tightening the belt the mse site is amazing for advive and tips

zipzap Sat 02-Mar-13 00:05:28

expat When I wrote this I was assuming the OP was going to split with her 'd'p and thus everything was based around that assumption. However reading through it a second time I can see that as I didn't explicitly state that, it can also be read that I think that the op would be getting back with her partner. blush

But you'll spot that at the start of my thread I put 'I was going to suggest...' and wasn't intending on writing such a long post, it lost its way somewhat. That and I started writing it, got interrupted by the dc and was away from it for a while so came back and finished it and then posted it, without reading any of the more recent posts.

And, so I didn't tie up with the thing that I had intended putting in, namely that even given the fact her 'd'h has treated her so badly and she wants to leave, it's still a worthwhile thing to do because she needs to show him that he has been bleeding her dry whilst he has kept all the cash and is laughing all the way to the bank. In an ideal world he would be giving her extra money back so she does have a financial cushion - but obviously it's not an ideal world and I'm sure he won't from what the op has said about him.

The thing about asking him to put all his money in her account wasn't meant to imply I thought they would be back together, just turning the situation on its head to point out how unfair he would shout out that it was and no way would he put up with that, to try and illustrate that she has been putting up with exactly that since they got back together last time. Still works as an illustration just as vividly if they are split up.

And again when I said about getting peace of mind with regard her relationship - wasn't meant to imply they were together or not. Just that she was happy with how things turn out - both getting him out of the house tonight/tomorrow and when they finally split. I was just trying (and obviously failing) to say best wishes to the OP without saying a blunt LTB with no thought to the consequences further down the line.

OP - sorry if this offended you in any way, it wasn't meant to and certainly wasn't supposed to suggest getting back with your partner at all. just trying to provide a little help with having a discussion with him about the money situation - which from the sounds of the way this evening has been - is going to be increasingly difficult and why filling in somebody else's budgeting planner might be an easier way to go about things to work out all the necessary expenditure, rather than just saying 'I want' which he can turn around and throw back in your face and accuse you of frittering money away, even though you absolutely haven't been. If you have the figures, he can't argue with them.

zipzap Sat 02-Mar-13 00:07:39

and it's moved on again - OP so glad to see that he's gone for good now and thus has definitely become an ex.

YouTheCat Sat 02-Mar-13 00:14:31

When I wrote 'Trying to make you feel guilty because you have to ask him for money isn't good. But, if he's still there, now would be a good time to calm down and have a good honest chat.

I would usually just say LTB but it's always worth a good chat. You aren't a mind reader and neither is he.'

I was trying to be a bit devil advocatty because I usually just say LTB. But seems like I should have just said LTB to start with.

OP I hope this all works out and you are well rid of him. Be strong. x

Longdistance Sat 02-Mar-13 00:15:10

My dh was like this. Although I am a sahm with zero income. He'd give me 'housekeeping money' wanker
I demanded several times for a joint account as at times he refused to give me money for important things, and was left several times saying to people I don't have the money blush
After the straw broke the camels back, I exploded into a rage (which isn't me, as I'm so relaxed I'm almost horizontal). We now have a joint account, and I see exactly where money is going. I have access to money now.
I tell you, there's nothing dignifying about asking for money sad
Now to find out what the fuck he's doing with the rental money from our house bak in the Uk. I do know he's pissed about with money with shares like gambling but need more evidence.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Mar-13 00:16:02

Glad he's gone, Alice.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 00:18:22

Thanks zip, not offended at all. I appreciate you going to the trouble of giving some advice smile I'll have a proper read when I can see out both eyes.

Thanks youthecat too. In fact thanks everyone. On what could have been a really lonely night, reading your posts have helped so thank you.

HillBilly76 Sat 02-Mar-13 00:19:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Longdistance Sat 02-Mar-13 00:27:14

Christ, I just caught up. He's shown his true colours hasn't he. What a nasty piece of work.
I hope you get your eye seen to, and make it known to your doc that your dh threw his card into your face as a recorded incident if you don't want to call the police.

BratinghamPalace Sat 02-Mar-13 00:29:59

Good luck Alice.

Longdistance Sat 02-Mar-13 00:32:55

Hillbilly, in my case we had separate accounts as I was earning pretty good money. Had to leave my job as we moved countries, and opened an account in my own name. Was just too used to having our own money, and paying equal share of bills. It's how we worked, but unfortunately my dh's not the brightest of sparks.

suburbophobe Sat 02-Mar-13 00:46:43

He saves a bit of his wage for summer holidays and just keeps the rest I guess.

You guess?! How long have you been together?! 2 weeks?

Girl you are crazy! You are being taken for a "summer holiday by himself".....

Get real and get your finances in order, sit down with him with a list of income and outgoings and DON'T UNDERSELL YOURSELF.

If he is financially abusing you, LTB. You will thank yourself in your future.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 01:25:12


She just kicked him out.

snowshapes Sat 02-Mar-13 07:26:13

Checking to see how you are, glad he has gone. Stay strong. It is not a reflection on you that he ground you down, but on him.

Re the birthday party, DD has had friends turn up without a gift, I have not batted an eyelid. The point is to spend time with friends. If you can't get anything, make a card or something like that and give the gift later. Presuming you are physically able to get there. How is your eye?

All the best, you will be better off without him.

snowshapes Sat 02-Mar-13 07:30:23

Make a card might not be good advice if you can't see sorry. Point is don't let lack of gift stop you taking DC if you are able to get there.

blacktaildog Sat 02-Mar-13 08:01:18

How are you today Alice; ? How is the eye ?

Inertia Sat 02-Mar-13 08:22:17

Alice, what a frightening turn of events - well done for standing up to him.

Hope you are able to get to see the out of hours doctor this morning - it sounds like a very worrying injury. It is also important that your medical records show that your H deliberately injured you, if you feel that you cannot go to the police.

Can you use a credit card to survive financially for the next couple of weeks, or ask the bank to arrange a temporary overdraft ? You might need to speak to them about any joint accounts such as savings - this man would see his children go hungry to spite you.

You can get help as a single person - things like a reduction in council tax - so make sure you get advice about that. You might need to think about whether your h can force his way back in on the basis that it's his house too, which is why you should really consider lodging a record of your injury with the police.

Lueji Sat 02-Mar-13 08:29:34

I hope the eye is better today. Get it seen by a doctor anyway.

Well, good riddance to him, you will be better off.

Regarding the party you can let them know you'll give the present in a couple of weeks. You don't have to spend a lot. A book can cost just a couple of pounds.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 08:47:08

I'm just back from the out of whores and I have some eye drops, couldn't sleep all night at all. I told the doctor exactly what happened so its on record. My parents are dropping off the kids shortly, not looking forward to the interrogation from them.

He has text me about 7 times through the night apologising, I'm not even going to reply. On the plus side I went out to car to get my jacket and spotted a scratch card worth £20, must be his. That'll get the present anyway and if he doesn't transfer any cash over I'll need to ask my parents. I don't have any credit cards.

Thanks for asking smile

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 08:47:44

Out of HOURS not whores, wtf!

RoomForASmallOne Sat 02-Mar-13 08:59:38

Just adding my support smile

Glad you went to out of hours surgery OP

Ashoething Sat 02-Mar-13 09:13:27

Well done op for being strong enough to tell him to go-I really admire you as I am in a similiar position with dh regarding finances and I fucking hate it.

CremeEggThief Sat 02-Mar-13 09:13:36

OMG, Alice sad. So sorry to read about what happened.

You did really well, getting rid of this horrible, controlling man. Well done. thanks

I hope your eye improves soon, and it's good that what caused the injury will be on record now.

I don't really know what else to say only you will be better off in all ways without him. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Mar-13 09:27:49

Glad you have had some treatment OP.

Ashoe, do you want to talk about things with your DH?

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 02-Mar-13 09:30:40

Good Luck Alice. I'm glad (iykwim) that he's shown his true colours over this and you've not wasted anymore of your life with him.

It makes my blood boil that by the sounds of it he has a good amount of disposable income each month and you and the children have to scrimp for haircuts...

Imaginethat Sat 02-Mar-13 09:40:39

Holy smoke Alice, what an awful day for you. I'm so sorry you've been physically hurt on top of everything else. I hope the drops help.

I also hope your parents are supportive, can loan you some cash and offer some practical support while you adjust to being on your own with the kids.

Sadly my first thought when reading our first post was that your relationship was terrible. Bet you didn't expect it to go quite this way though!

Alice you sound really capable and as though you deserve a lot more than you dare to expect. I hope that as the domestics settle down you start to value yourself more x

Imaginethat Sat 02-Mar-13 09:42:18

But I did love your out of whores grin

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 09:48:48

Thank you. I didn't expect it to go this way at all.

I have enough food in for the week so just need a bit of money for day to day living, petrol and stuff. I get paid on the 12th so not too long to wait. I just need to budget wisely. I'm still checking my bank account in the hope he's transferred some money. I can't get my head round the fact he knows we have no money, Fair enough if he wants to punish me but even stupid things like the kids pocket money, I can't give them any. Oh well, don't know why I'm so surprised.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 09:50:05

Got to love auto correct eh smile

Bunbaker Sat 02-Mar-13 09:52:17

"We've always had a joint account. Regardless of who earns what, my OH earns 4 times what I do but whatever is in the bank is ours."

Our situation is similar. We take money out of the joint account as and when we need it. We also have separate savings accounts, and the money for them comes out of the joint account.

In a stable relationship where there are no trust issues I really, really don't get the "his money her money" scenario. It overly complicates things and creates resentment.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 11:03:14

Hope you don't take him back again. He cheated. You gave him a second chance, and he financially abused you.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 11:24:12

I won't be taking him back. Can't live like that anymore. There is no respect, so no point.

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 12:05:06

Alice I am shock how brave you are- well done you. If you can cope with the last 24 hours you are going to do so well with bringing up your children alone- you will all be so much happier.

He probably won't transfer money- and if I was you I'd keep a record of exactly how that impacts the kids over the next 10 days until you get paid- and then if t any point in the future you feel yourself weakening I'd read that.

Dubjackeen Sat 02-Mar-13 12:16:48

Nothing to add to all of the advice you have been given here,but just want to wish you well. Please take good care of yourself,and stay strong.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 12:20:52

I know we'll be fine, thankfully my parents have helped me out until payday which I really hate doing. Just need to tell the children which I'm not looking forward to. I just hope he doesn't turn up after work expecting everything to be rosy. That's what he does after an argument. Butbibthink after his tantrum last night he's went a step too far.

He has text to say he has bought ds2 birthday present which I am pissed off about. Obviously it would have been from both of us but as circumstances have changed I'll need to get him something else. I'm the one who spent hours online looking for the present. He's still trying to control everything.

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 12:23:25

He is trying to control you, but it can't work if you don't let him. Keep ignoring him and call the police if he turns up.

Longdistance Sat 02-Mar-13 12:42:19

Well done Alice. You've got balls to get rid of him so quick. So glad, as some women would put up with their dp/ dh if that incident happened. I sure wouldn't.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 13:17:48

Said he's coming for the dog at 5pm, the kids beloved pet. Don't think I have the strength for this. Arsehole, wouldn't believe this is a 38 year old man.

Inertia Sat 02-Mar-13 13:26:52

You don't have to be in. You and the kids could take the dog for a walk.

Did he leave his keys ? If not maybe consider fitting extra front and back mortice locks for your safety (this might be another reason for logging with police).

He is for sure showing his true nasty colours.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 13:29:02

Why is he trying to take their dog?! I'd call the police, really. I mean, he's an abusive, controlling arse trying to punish his kids for your not putting up with his abuse!

And you know, there's a record of it now! I'd text him back and tell him, 'I had to go see a doctor about my eye and get drops. I told the truth about how I came by this injury. If you come up here again I will call the police. I will not put up with your abuse anymore or subject the children to it.'

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 13:30:13

He won't give you money unless he's forced. Why? Because he's a controlling, abusive arse and you're right, you don't have to live like this.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 02-Mar-13 13:33:56

Change the locks and don't let him in.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 02-Mar-13 13:34:11

Or go to your parents with kids and dog.

MrsKoala Sat 02-Mar-13 13:42:09

You seem so brave. Well done.

Why is he justifying taking the dc's dog?

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 13:45:02

He knows how much the kids would miss the dog. I think it's a poor attempt at me having a change of heart. Not happening. He has his own keys, I've told him about my eye and it being on record. Also told him if he appears here at 5pm I'll be phoning the police. Jesus I can't believe all this is happening sad

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 13:48:27

I'd ring the police now and let them know he's threatening to show up and take the dog.

MrsKoala Sat 02-Mar-13 13:50:53

He is upping the abuse ante now, if he can't bully you directly he will do it via the children. he will be justifying it by saying if you loved the children you wouldn't let him take the dog, so therefore you are bad. Without taking responsibility for the fact it is HIM doing it.

People like this will never see their actions as they are. They are not worth trying to negotiate with. Just continue saying 'do not come here, i will call the police'. Then do if he turns up. Don't enter into any conversation.

You are doing really well. What an utter cock.

Inertia Sat 02-Mar-13 13:52:14

You are doing brilliantly.

He is using the same bullying tactics he always has in the hope that you will capitulate. The difference is that you are no longer giving in to him, and he doesn't know what else to do.

Be prepared for him to ramp up the pressure once you put a CSA claim in.

mantlepiece Sat 02-Mar-13 13:55:06

I think he is saying "bought the birthday present, am taking the dog" because he knows these things will upset you and it makes you respond to his texts. Therefore he has your attention and you are engaging with him.

It is early days and yes, he will need to organise removing his belongings from your home etc. but you need to keep one step ahead of him mentally and realise what he is doing with the mind games.

You need to detach both physically and mentally, you cannot change how he behaves, but you can change your response to his bullying and controlling behaviour. Starting today.

Lueji Sat 02-Mar-13 13:57:20

Men like these really don't give a crap about the childre.

When I left mine, he immediately emptied our joint current account, obviously leaving nothing from which to support DS.
Not half. All of it.

Brace yourself for more antics. sad

hugoagogo Sat 02-Mar-13 14:34:26

You are being so brave Alice.

I cannot believe he would take the dog; how has he got somewhere to stay that will take a dog so quickly?

You are doing all the right things.

hugoagogo Sat 02-Mar-13 14:37:07

My Dad emptied the joint account 30 years ago when he left my Mum. bastard.
The significance of it was lost on me at the time.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I like having my own bank account.

willesden Sat 02-Mar-13 14:38:14

Let him pay for one of the utility bills to free up some of your cash, then you won't have to ask him for some cash.

At least he isn't doing the hearts and flowers routine. It may well come so be ready for it... Everything since you asked for more equality has been mean and controlling (and/or violent and abusive) so you can judge him by his actions. He is happy to take the children's dog and leave you with nothing to look after them. Twunt.

When I think about this thread, I'm really impressed by how you are coping and out of whores made me laugh.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 14:59:20

He is staying at his brothers house apparently. He's adamant he is coming for the dog and has said the police can't do anything about it as police officer friend knows he bought the dog. If he wants to take the dog can he? The house is in both our names. What's to stop him just walking in and taking him. The only thing I can do is lock the doors and leave my keys in so he can't get in.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 15:01:12

Not true at all! Call the police! He is doing this to threaten you and get access to the house after abusing you. Do you have friends or family who can be with you today?

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 15:01:50

If my brother did this to his wife and kids he would not be welcome in my home.

Have you called Women's Aid, * Alice*? They can give you some advice. Women's Aid website.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 15:02:38

My parents said they'll take the kids tonight but I don't know. I want them here with me but on the other hand if he comes and kicks off I don't want them here to witness it.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 15:03:40

Call the police and call Women's Aid NOW.

If I were your parent I would not leave you alone in that house.

Is there anyone who can be with you?

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 15:05:47

Thanks MrsTP, I'll have a look at that website.

Expat, he probably hasn't told him the reason he is there, he will have told them some cock and bull story blaming me. I don't care where he goes as long as he's not here.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 15:06:49

Is there anyone who can stay with you, Alice? You really need to involve the police now, he is menacing with all these texts. There's a record now, and there are all those texts.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 15:10:16

My parents would just worry if I told them everything. I know I should but at 35 years of age I shouldn't be causing them more worry. The original plan before last nights events was my friend and I were going out for a meal tonight for my birthday so I've text her and asked her to come round when she finishes work instead, so she should be here around 4.30

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 15:10:31

Please be out at 5pm with kids and dog. If I was you I would take all paperwork- passports, kids birth Certs, bank, utility etc... Etc.. And the things most precious to you- favourite clothes, jewellery, laptops etc.. And go and stay with your parents until you can arrange to have the locks changed so he cannot get in.

Either that or send kids and dog to your mums and get your dad to sit in the house with you with keys in the lock.

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 15:11:03

Sorry x post, glad your friend will be there. Just don't let him in.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 15:13:18


'And go and stay with your parents until you can arrange to have the locks changed so he cannot get in.'

She can't legally do that without involving the police because they are both on the mortage or tenancy agreement.

That's why, Alice, I'm sorry, but you really need to ring the police.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 15:18:58

You need to ring the police. You have been amazingly brave and strong thus far but you need to keep going.

He is despicable doing this. Don't back down. Phone women's aid and the police.

And tell your parents! If one of your kids was going through this would you wants help or be kept in the dark? They live you, unless they are unsupportive parents then please tell them.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 15:20:17

Grrrr, typos!

Would you want to help them

They love you

perplexedpirate Sat 02-Mar-13 15:21:06

Wow! You are so brave.
I would go to my parents for a night or two if I were you, not just for the security, but also for the tlc. If not, give the police a ring on 101.
This guy is a twunt of the highest order, you are better off without him.
Hope your eye is ok.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 15:32:21

I've just had this text from him

"Fine keep the dog, I can't believe you are over reacting about me accidentally hitting you in the eye. It was an ACCIDENT. I'll be round for some clothes shortly, might as well go out on the pull tonight since we're finished smile happy birthday by the way. Oh and ill grab a shower when I'm there"


I'll call police station just now, my dads coming to get the kids. I feel sick sad

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 15:36:59

I'd put a bag of his clothes outside and keep your key in the lock.

Stay strong, you're doing so well. Well done for calling the police it's absolutely the right thing to do.

hugoagogo Sat 02-Mar-13 15:40:49

What a shit sad

Is it your birthday today?

Good to hear you are calling the police, you need to feel safe in your own home.

Lueji Sat 02-Mar-13 15:44:08

Yes to clothes outside.
A shower outside might also be a good idea, if he insists on one.

Surely he can shower wherever he is.

Lueji Sat 02-Mar-13 15:46:02

Oh, and happy birthday.

Just think of it as being born again. :D

Next year you'll have a double celebration.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 15:58:07

Do not let him in the house.

He will try and refuse to leave if you do.

Put his clothes on the doorstep have your key in the lock so he ant get in check all windows are closed and back door is also locked with key in it.

If he can enter the property peacefully then he is doing nothing wrong legally BUT if you are inside he cannot force entry without a court order as him smashing windows kicking doors in creating a scene ect would be classed as another DV incident.anything you are happy for him to have bung outside with his clothes anything you want to keep, keep in the house call it a marital asset and let him take you to court to argue about it months down the line.

If he turns up at your door do not engage with him ignore and pretend he is not there,if he gets threatening hostile or abusive call the police
Do not give him the opertunity to collect kids from school or anything like that chances are he will try and keep them.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 16:08:09

And incidently you can change the locks nobody can prevent you from doing so

But you just need to remember that if you do he could take you to court and get and get an order telling you to either change them back or give him a key.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 16:10:14

What Sock said.

Call the police, YES.

It wasn't an accident that he threw that at you knowing there was no way you could use it, anyhow.

Clothes on the doorstep.

"Fine keep the dog, I can't believe you are over reacting about me accidentally hitting you in the eye. It was an ACCIDENT. I'll be round for some clothes shortly, might as well go out on the pull tonight since we're finished happy birthday by the way. Oh and ill grab a shower when I'm there"

Good riddance! Hope his cock falls off.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 16:12:15

In that case, I'd beat him to the punch and go for a temporary restraining order.

Funny he has money to go out pulling but not to pay for his kids.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 16:38:16

The police can obtain a temp protection order for you only lasts a few days but its helpful.and if he turns up kicking off then it will be easier to get

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 16:50:03

The police said to call if any problems. My friend has some sort of emergency and can't come over until later. I'm sitting here a nervous wreck waiting on the knock on the door. He can come in, collect what clothes he needs and get out. He can have 5 minutes tops. Kids have left for my parents and te dog is practically sitting on my head staring at me.

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 16:58:57

Keep calm and carry on- you can do this. Think about the putting clothes outside idea though.

Darkesteyes Sat 02-Mar-13 17:03:14

Just caught up with this. What an absolute bastard. Threatening to take the kids beloved dog and leaving you with no money but he has dosh to "go out on the pull" Twunt.
I have a bro who is 38 this year and he would not be welcome in my home either if he did this to his girlfriend.
Please dont let him in the house. Stick his junk outside. Bastard. Abusive man-child.

pigletmania Sat 02-Mar-13 17:03:25

Yes it is unfair and he needs to be splitting te bills with you and chidrens things. You need to have a talk with him

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 17:05:24

do not let him inside the house

If you do he can just refuse to leave and as you currently have no orders and he is a tenant the police will not remove him unless he abuses you again.

pigletmania Sat 02-Mar-13 17:16:01

Gosh sorry the thread as moved on good luck op, you are much better off without him

OP you are doing brilliantly. Stay strong. We're all here for you if you need us

Reality Sat 02-Mar-13 17:25:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HansieMom Sat 02-Mar-13 17:28:21

I would run all the hot water out into the sink.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 17:31:51

What Sock said. Put the key in the door call the police if he kicks off.

And yy, get a temp restraining order.

And remember, he has money to go on the pull but not buy food for his kids? WTF?!

perplexedpirate Sat 02-Mar-13 17:33:25

Happy birthday. You have given yourself the best present ever.
Good luck. Hope everything goes ok.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 17:33:40

We are here for you.

Many of us have been in abusive relationships.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Mar-13 17:34:42

My partner was nicey nice. Within a week of my moving in he showed his true colours! I left when he threw a drink at me in the flat after screaming at me in the street.

ZebraOwl Sat 02-Mar-13 17:54:22

Oh, Alice...

Getting shot of him def best birthday present for you!

Thinking you'd be wise to follow advice about leaving his stuff on doorstep & not letting him in.

As for his "my friends will believe ME" stuff, what a total eejit. Even if they were allowed to ignore proper protocols & side with him they're not bloody going to when he's thoughtfully given you evidence to support & substantiate what you're saying.

I hope your friend can get round to you soon & that your eye heals up okay.

brew thanks

MrsKoala Sat 02-Mar-13 17:55:32

good luck OP. Happy Birthday. Next one will be so much better smile

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 18:25:37

He's been and gone. Told me he didn't want any trouble and barged past, got some clothes then knocked a wedding pic off the wall ad the glass broke. Pottered in the bedroom for a bit, I stood watching him making sure he didn't take the box with passports/birth cert etc. Then as I walked ahead of him to the front door he grabbed my top and said "this isn't over". I had my phone in my hand and told him I was phoning the police and he laughed and left.

I actually can't believe I've been with this person so long. He's like a stranger.

Anyway I've told my friend not to come round, I'm too tired and just want to be by myself.

Thank you all for your support. It is really appreciated, you don't know how much.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 18:28:36

I think you should log that he grabbed you & what he said with the police.

Sorry he was still so horrid.

Take care tonight.

ZebraOwl Sat 02-Mar-13 18:32:02

Definitely log his grabbing you & what he said: "this isn't over" is quite menacing.

Understand you wanting to be by yourself - you can always post here if you find yourself wanting to braindump &/or have a wee chat: an be easier talking to people not directly involved in the situation.

YouTheCat Sat 02-Mar-13 18:32:52

Log it, Alice, that's threatening behaviour.

Good luck x

CremeEggThief Sat 02-Mar-13 18:33:47

What a wanker angry. He's just trying to intimidate and frighten you, because he knows he's losing his control over you.

Is your friend coming over still? If not, could you go and see your parents this evening instead? You're probably shaken-up and I think some company would do you good. <Hugs>.

RoomForASmallOne Sat 02-Mar-13 18:48:30

Hope you are OK Alice.

Log it, please.

And if you really want to be by yourself ( though I think you should be with people) then keep posting on here and we can keep you company.

Definitely log the threat. ON Monday you should be able to get a court order preventing him from coming anywhere near you or the house, as he has assaulted you and threatened you and the court will agree that he is a danger to you. Sorry this has happened, but at least you are rid of him and can see him for what he is.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Mar-13 19:07:24

Please log it, Alice.

Someone on another thread said that all abuse is emotional abuse at bottom - the financial abuse that you have been suffering for months is because he thinks he is better than you and gets to have all the money he wants, the physical abuse of throwing something at you and making out you are overreacting (when you had to go to hospital FFS) is because he thinks you should be doing what he says, and not arguing, the taking ages in your house and then grabbing your top is physical, yes, but done to intimidate you.

What I'm saying is that the card-throwing and top-grabbing aren't one offs, they are part of his pattern. This has been building up and it may escalate further. Keep the police informed and take care. X

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 19:18:38

Thank you.

I have called the station again and made them aware of what went on. Also apparently his police friend text him and told him I'd been in touch with the police, I don't think that's on really. I told H anyway but surely a police officer shouldn't be getting involved in this on a personal level? Maybe he told him to back off or something.

He keeps texting, so I've turned phone off and on the iPad. Doors are locked and watching crap telly for the rest of the night.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Mar-13 19:21:36

I think you are right and the friend should not have texted him sad

That is disgusting behaviour from a Police Officer. I worked at SS and would NEVER in a million years have told anyone I knew ANYTHING I heard at work about a family member. It is extremely unprofessional, unethical and a sacking offence. Do you want to take it further with a complaint?

YouTheCat Sat 02-Mar-13 19:24:09

It's a matter of confidentiality. Complain to the Chief Inspector.

FelicityWasCold Sat 02-Mar-13 19:25:44

No, his police friend should not have done that. I would be raising it as a question 'why would this happen' with the police if I was you.

It is over as far as him controlling you so don't worry about that.

Have a nice quiet evening with us and the TV and then tomorrow start making plans for getting him financially back in his box (so no more house in joint names, him paying through the CSA for his children) and your lovely new life free from abuse.

This weekend you have ensured that your children don't have to live with an abuser anymore- that is huge and you should be very proud of your bravery.

Information about making a complaint. I know you are probably a bit wary of doing it. However, if this Police Officer knows the first thing about DV he should know that what he did was dangerous.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 19:33:21

Thanks for the link , it definitely was an irresponsible thing to do. I will be taking it further. My heads a bit like mush just now but it makes me less comfortable about having to contact the police if I think he's going to text H and tell him everything. It could have serious repercussions especially if H is out drinking tonight.

Imaginethat Sat 02-Mar-13 19:35:51

Wow he is a nasty piece of work. It's all come out, hasn't it. He cheats, withholds money, hurts you physically, bombards you with abusive texts, threatens you... I agree to getting the restraining order, the complaint about the police officer being unprofessional and moving towards getting locks changed.

I am also aware that these are all headachey tasks on top of the grief and physical pain you're going through, never mind work and kids. Alice keep moving forwards, one step at a time.

Don't engage, no texting etc. nothing good can come of it.

And maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships? It seems to be going okay here but there is fantastic support over in R.

How is your eye?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 19:39:14

Hi, who told you the police officer texted your H?

Save the texts/emails. Keep a record of everything.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 19:40:25

My eye still stings a bit but better than it was. How do I get the thread moved?

Thanks smile

DonderandBlitzen Sat 02-Mar-13 19:41:42

Is it possible your H invented the story about his policeman friend texting him to make you wary of complaining to the police as you will think they are in league with him?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 19:42:10

Report your original post and make a request it be moved.

nkf Sat 02-Mar-13 19:42:25

If the police called him, then I think you have to raise it as a complaint. I would have thought it was more than irresponsible. Surely, that would become a disciplinary matter. It's just wrong.

Good luck with all you are doing. I know it's scary and horrendous but it's all posturing at heart. It's the last flair up of the man who sees his time has run out.

DonderandBlitzen Sat 02-Mar-13 19:42:28

I'm assuming it was your H who told you about the text?

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 19:43:54

Yellowandgreen, H text me and said "I heard you've went running to the police, good luck with that" . The only way he would know is from his police friend. And when he came round earlier he told me police friend had text him and told him I'd called the station.

hugoagogo Sat 02-Mar-13 19:44:32

Just report it and ask, I am sure they will do it for you.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 19:46:32

I think whoever told you about the text, you should report, but in case it is H stirring, report in a 'concerned not sure this can possibly be right' way rather than hostile?

Are you keeping the texts from DH? You may need them.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 19:57:42

Yes I have all the texts MrsTP. All 19 of them since this morning.

RoomForASmallOne Sat 02-Mar-13 19:58:37

Can't believe his Police friend gave him a heads up angry

Glad you're taking it further.

If he is out drinking and comes round, please ring 999 straight away.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Mar-13 20:01:28

Alice, report one of your posts to MN and ask for the move.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:01:59

I've reported the thread now.

I will roomforasmallone

IsItMeOr Sat 02-Mar-13 20:02:16

Aw Alice, so sorry you're going through this. Have been reading since yesterday, and wanted to post to say how in awe I am of your strength.

Hoping you have a quiet evening of crap tv and manage to get some sleep tonight. Can you bolt the doors?

Others are so much more wise in these things than me, but I did wonder if it was worth texting H to say that if he wanted you to think he was a decent person he would transfer money into the savings account to see his kids through to the end of the month. It might be better to avoid all contact though?

Hi Alice
Just want to say how brilliantly you are dealing with this smile

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 02-Mar-13 20:10:54

I've been out all day and just caught up with this thread - things have moved on a bit!

Alice your head must be in a whirl with everything that has happened in such a short space of time, and you must be missing your DCs horribly. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:13:55

If you could see me you wouldn't think I was doing brilliantly, swollen eyes, no make up, frizzy hair, but thank you. I know I'll be ok in the end smile as long s I have my kids, dog and job I'll be grand and him out of my life.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:14:58

I'm so tired I could sleep for a week Ali!

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:17:15

I am missing them, I just want to protect them as much as possible from everything just now. I miss dd crawling in beside me at 2pm with her cold feet and kicking me all night smile

Euphemia Sat 02-Mar-13 20:26:56

You've done the right thing. Stay strong, keep informing the police if he behaves in a threatening way, report his friend. Show the sod you're no walkover.

RoomForASmallOne Sat 02-Mar-13 20:31:35

Good smile

And you are doing brilliantly.

Missing your kids is tough but at least you can process it all in peace itms.

Having less to do tonight (dinner,bedtime etc) is good for you because your head must be wrecked and it has been a very draining couple of days.

I'll be grand can be your new mantra smile

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:45:17

I've never even looked in Relationships before, I don't want to leave the comfort of AIBU!

Thanks again to everyone who has offered advice. Debating opening the bottle of vodka in the kitchen...

squeakytoy Sat 02-Mar-13 20:46:33

Dont drink. You need to keep your wits about you as tempting as it may seem right now to get hammered. smile You are doing great so far.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Mar-13 20:47:25

Alice, have you got a trashy DVD you could watch?

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:48:37

I know, you're right Squeakytoy. It's tempting though.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 20:52:39

No trashy dvd's. I'm watching The Cube and the contestant looks like H hmm

I do have Netflix, I'll have a look for a nice lighthearted comedy.

Darkesteyes Sat 02-Mar-13 21:42:55

Alice you are being incredibly brave. And im glad you are going to put in a complaint about his copper friend warning him.
It was a dangerous irresponsible thing to do which could have had dire consequences.

newcastle34 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:51:59

Well done op. As others have said please stay strong.

Well done Alice. Stay strong for you and the kids, and also the poor dog

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 22:11:26

I think in my sleep deprived stressed state at first I never thought much of the police friend telling H but the more I think about it the more I think how bad it is.

RoomForASmallOne Sat 02-Mar-13 22:17:46

It is really bad and must be a disciplinary offence??

Report him to his superiors, his telling your H has the potential to be very dangerous.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

For speed, your Force will have a Professional Standards Department that you can complaint directly to, rather than going via the IPCC, which will delay the complaint being sent to the local Force for a couple of days.
You'll be able to complain via your Force's website, and once you've made the complaint they're legally obliged to contact you within 72 hours to let you know whether they're recording the complaint or not.
I'd report via the website then follow up with a phonecall to PSD (their number should be on the website) first thing Monday, as well as all the other direct contact you're having.

I know there's a million things that you'll be thinking of and will need to do, but you'll need to do this for your own security and to prevent it happening again. Definitely keep the text your ex sent.

Hope you manage to get some sleep.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 22:55:59

He grabbed your top that's actually an assault.

He has now assaulted you twice in less than 24 hours

I'm a bit concerned about your local police station, the uk's DV procedure is that you do not have the option of pressing charges or not so he should have been arrested,

They should have given you various support service info and done a risk assessment for you and you should have been given some face to face police support and someone from the DV unit should be contacting you ASAP.

I very very much doubt that his police officer friend did tell him anything as he may be his friend but even friends don't like doing favours that get them sacked.

If he had then it would be a serious (dismissal type serious) issue,the type of thing that tends to end up on the front page of the papers, seriously it would be that serious.

Does your husband have a habit of making out he knows everybody that loads of people mention seeing you to him,that it would be hard for you to do anything without him finding out,when you argue does he try to back up his stance by saying that everybody else agrees with him,that sort of thing?

I ask because its much more likely that he is saying that to you to attempt to isolate you from support AND to have you perceive him as all powerful its a very very common thing for blokes like him to say and given that you know he has police friends it would be a very obvious thing for him to use like that.

I have worked in domestic violences services for over 20 years now and in that entire time I have only ever known 1 police officer do anything like that and it was by accident ( the victim was married to a policeman a colleague of his saw her in the station and assumed she had come to see her H and mentioned seeing her).

The best way to call his bluff is to put a complaint in or raise it as a concern with the duty inspector if his mate did tell the shit will hit the fan or his mate will go out of his way to avoid even a hint of people thinking he did and probably drop your H like a hot potato.

Keep all text messages from him and try not to respond to any if he phones don't bother answering,your call logs can be great evidence of harassment,if he turns up again on the doorstep try to avoid opening the door so he can't push past you again ( incidentally that's another assault)

Does he have a back door key? If not use that door to go in and out and leave your front door key in the lock even when out that way he can't get in when you are not there.

If you want to pm me your vague area I can see if I can find you a DV outreach worker near by to help you.

WomanCalledAlice Sat 02-Mar-13 23:56:07

Thanks socks, I've cracked open the vodka so ill read your post properly in the morning.

I don't know what I think, I'd like to think his friend didn't text him and he's just bluffing, I will look into it

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Mar-13 00:00:09

That was the instruction I forgot about.

Crack open the vodka have a nice birthday drink dance on your dining room table and sing songs loudly.

But first make sure the doors are locked

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 00:12:58

Doors are locked, I'm tired and emotional, feeling sorry for myself sad shouldn't have drank

YouTheCat Sun 03-Mar-13 00:19:50

(((Alice))) Next year's birthday is going to be so much better. Just keep thinking of how great things will be on your own terms.

Don't feel sorry for yourself. It's just the voddie.

Even if it turns out that 'D'H was lying about the Police friend, logging that he told you he was given a heads up could be useful. Telling someone that the Police are not going to help them is threatening. Either the Police Officer did something very wrong or your H did.

Have a big glass of water, take a paracetamol and sleep.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 00:27:58

Shit shitv shit

What happened love?

I'm worried, Alice. Come back and update. Or call 999 if he is there and causing problems.

Darkesteyes Sun 03-Mar-13 00:48:04

Alice.....are you OK.

DIddled Sun 03-Mar-13 00:59:32

Alice love,

I have been married to a policeman for 16 years- believe me if he told a pal something that had come in via a report- and that was subsequently complained about- he would be suspended, probably sacked and quite possibly prosecuted!!!

if the policeman in question had done it- and looked up the incident then there will be an audit trail on the Police national computer- and if he has looked without it being his business then he is in big trouble and rightly so!!!

Anyway you must not hesitate to ring 999 if you need to - and if there are any problems re the 'police friend' please pm me and I'll ask my husband how you need to take it further.

Unmumsnet hug and kiss- you are brilliant and brave xxxxx

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 00:59:58

Alice, you ok love?

TimidLivid Sun 03-Mar-13 01:17:55

Alice hope ur alright read the thread and really feel for you, hope u stay strong and he stays away

Dubjackeen Sun 03-Mar-13 01:18:32

Hope you are okay,and that you are getting some well-deserved sleep right now. Please take care of yourself. Am not in UK so not sure how police reports etc work out,but am guessing he is bluffing re hearing from his friend. Stay strong,you deserve so much better.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 02:15:44

He's been texting and at the door harassing me for nearly 2 hours, ice called police. Sorry everyone probably in brd

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 02:16:16

What are all these threads

bokuly32 Sun 03-Mar-13 02:20:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

bokuly32 Sun 03-Mar-13 02:21:08

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Darkesteyes Sun 03-Mar-13 02:21:15

Im here Alice Are you Ok

The idiots have invaded MN. Don't let it worry you Alice MNHQ will sort it out. Has he gone yet? Are the Police there?

Zhx3 Sun 03-Mar-13 02:24:59

Alice, hope you're ok. Have the police arrived?

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 02:43:49

Police haven't came yet, he's still texting but has left

Darkesteyes Sun 03-Mar-13 02:49:27

Whats keeping the police FFS. Glad hes left. have you locked all doors and windows. Sorry if that sounds stupid or patronizing. Just worried.

Dededum Sun 03-Mar-13 03:13:39

I'm up, have the police come?

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:16:55

Not yet Ffs

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:17:43

He has text and said leave the door open

Dededum Sun 03-Mar-13 03:22:37

Don't leave the door open but then you know that.

Don't look at your texts. Make yourself a large coffee.

Keep talking on here.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:27:06

I can't find this thread in amongst all that shitbsam

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:27:24


Dededum Sun 03-Mar-13 03:29:34

Annoying isn't it, keep hiding them but they come back.

How are you?

Bollocks to the spam, bollocks to the texts. Just keep talking to us.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:39:19

I'm so down now. sad my heads fked

Dededum Sun 03-Mar-13 03:46:23

Is he still texting or have things gone quiet?

Things always feel worse at night. Remember you are secure, the doors and windows are locked.

Hope the police arrive soon, you need to lie down and get some sleep.

Wish I was there to give you a hug. You have been so incredibly brave. Remind yourself that you deserve better than this s**t

You will feel a million times better if you drink some water and try to get your head down. Vodka, no sleep, late night, all the shit that's going on, you need some sleep.

Dededum Sun 03-Mar-13 03:49:03

Agreed sleep, which reminds me I have to go to bed now.

Take care, and MrsTP is right loads of water.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:50:30

I'm so tired physically and mentally I've drank 2pints of water all spores are locked

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 03:51:00


nightowlmostly Sun 03-Mar-13 03:56:52

Hi Alice, I hope you're ok. I can't believe the police didn't come yet!

I know this probably feels really like the worst situation right now, but the reality is that you've got rid of this excuse for a husband, and can move on. Things will get better, and we're always here for you if you need support x

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 04:05:44

Apart from you guys I have no one, how sad is that. 4am and I'm slone

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 04:06:49

Alone grr

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 04:07:37

Still waiting on police

4am and you have chosen to get rid of a PITA. You've chosen to only deal with people who aren't abusive. Good for you. Sleep tight Alice. I hope tomorrow is brighter. I bet it is.

Onslow Sun 03-Mar-13 04:19:27

You're not alone Alice. People are here for you if you need to talk.

MaBumble Sun 03-Mar-13 04:28:41

Your are not alone Alice, we are here x

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 04:32:44

sad thanks, just got a text telling me he's pulled. Why I need to kno is beyond me

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 04:37:31

Mental torture, regardless of my actual feelings why even tell me sad wanker

vivizone Sun 03-Mar-13 04:40:28

Stay strong. It's a shit night but you will pull through. Imagine someone treating one of your kids this way? feel that anger and apply it to yourself. Love yourself for the sake of your kids.
It will be fine.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 03-Mar-13 04:59:57

Alice, you have done so well so far, honestly. Everything he has done just proves how right you were originally about questioning the division of finances, it wan't a fair set up and it was just the tip of the iceberg. He was always an abusive man - cheating on you, keeping you (and by proxy the children) short of money, making you walk on eggshells around him.

The truth is he's a horrible man and you will be so much better without him. He's being this nasty because he's lost control of you and he knows he's lost something good - virtually free bed and board for one thing. If he pulls someone else he pulls someone else (poor them!) but the chances are he's just talking a load of shit in the hope it'll make you take him back. Seriously, why would you want this prick back? You can do so much better.

I also very much doubt that his policeman friend gave him the heads up about you contacting the police. My guess is he said this to try and intimidate you into not contacting the police again. He's trying to isolate you so that you feel alone and helpless. Please log all that has happened with the police, show them all the texts and then get a restraining order and whatever else you need to stop him being able to come near you or into your house. He's a nasty bastard but you have him on the run now, don't give up!

So sorry your going through this Alice. What an utter tosspot. FWIW, he hasn't pulled, not if he's still texting you! He's still trying to mess with you. Don't engage, ignore him and his tantrums (except for informing the police) and just focus on you and your DCs. (((( hug ))))

Bedtime1 Sun 03-Mar-13 05:04:58

How is it going Alice?

He's pulled? At 4.30am? And he's stopped to text you? I doubt it. Even if he has, poor, poor woman. She will have to learn the lessons you learned and waste some of her life doing it.

crabb Sun 03-Mar-13 07:11:37

Alice, are you ok?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 03-Mar-13 07:17:54

Alice, I hope you got some sleep and are still resting. X

Lueji Sun 03-Mar-13 07:21:23

Obviously too late, but you should feel sorry for him.
Only some really sad lowlife would feel the need to tell his stbx that he "pulled".

If nothing else, you have evidence to divorce him on grounds of adultery. grin

Also, in Relationships there's (was) no spam, and they are all friendly.
Not to your H, though. Some of us would happily form a posse.

Hope you are ok, and the police came.

You really do need to put in a complaint to IPC. Whether he has friends in the police or not they need to deal with your complaint in the correct way.

perplexedpirate Sun 03-Mar-13 08:21:44

Pulled?! At 4.30am?!
The correct phraseology for that is 'kebab shop mop ups'.
I hope you are ok, Alice. Can you tell us your vague location? If you're local I'd be happy to call (maybe with a bacon sandwich and some full fat coke for the voddie hangover)?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 03-Mar-13 08:27:34

I suspect the correct phrase is "a load of bullshit", PP!

perplexedpirate Sun 03-Mar-13 08:30:05

True, Snatch, true.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 03-Mar-13 08:35:35

I meant that OP's H was bullshitting her by saying he'd pulled.

(in case that wasn't clear)

perplexedpirate Sun 03-Mar-13 08:41:04

I know, I was agreeing and giving him an eyeroll for good measure.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 03-Mar-13 08:42:06

Ah. I always misread the eye roll face!

HecateWhoopass Sun 03-Mar-13 08:51:48

What he is putting you through is shitty, it really is. And you need to report this friend of his. IF it is true, then this person has really screwed up and they will be in the shit. Don't let that go! They need at the very least, an official reprimand or something.

Although you should not be going through this, in one - really awful and painful for you way! - this may be an ok thing to happen.

I know you are probably sitting there with hmm face and thinking bloody stupid woman, feck off! but hear me out. grin

If he had got down on his knees (metaphorically) and grovelled and promised to never hurt you again and how sorry he was and had been all hearts and flowers and promises of change - you may well have forgiven him. It may have worked. And you'd be stuck with a manchild who you were supporting and who chucked a few quid at you and expected gratitude and who can't even be faithful to you!

But this? This treatment of you? This you're never going to forgive and forget and ultimately this will benefit you. You won't be living with someone who treats you like shit.

He's shown you the true extent of his contempt for you and there's no going back from that.

MrsDeVere Sun 03-Mar-13 09:00:37

I have just read the whole thread and am amazed at your determination and sense of self-worth even after being with this tosser for years.

I hope things did not get too bad last night.

Hang on in there.

Euphemia Sun 03-Mar-13 09:05:35

Hope you're okay this morning and managed to get some sleep.

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 09:50:44

Hope you're a bit better this morning. Be kind to yourself. Xxx

Flumpyflumps Sun 03-Mar-13 09:53:26

Another vote of support Alice, well done for being so strong so far.

DonderandBlitzen Sun 03-Mar-13 10:01:50

OP. I wonder if he said about the policeman friend texting to guage by your reaction whether you had contacted the police or not. ie if you had looked confused and said "Eh? I haven't called the police!" He would then know you hadn't. You could ask the police if it is true that the friend texted him rather than complaining straightaway. I hope you are ok. He sounds absolutely vile and you are well shot of him. Sorry you are having to suffer all this. You are right you will be much better off without him.

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 10:44:38

Alice, sorry I seemed to go to sleep last night just has he decided to be a knob outside. Well done for not letting him in, did the police turn up in the end? Today is even closer to all this being over you know? How are things now?

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 11:25:33

Thank you.

Police eventually did turn up at 6.30. Pointless, told them he had been here, threatening texts etc. so it's on record, just lost faith in them.

Totally regretting touching alcohol last night. I've woken up feeling anxious, can feel my heart beating out my chest like I'm going to have a panic attack. Shitty Sunday. Going to pull the duvet over my head and wallow.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Mar-13 11:28:41

That odd.

One would think that if you phone 999 saying some one who has recently assaulted you is trying to get into your house they would come quickly.

When you call them how are you describing the suituation?

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 11:40:58

I called non emergency number, it was kicking out time so they were probably busy. The local station is tiny, has usually 2 officers on duty covering too large an area to deal with.

He text me asking to leave his squash racket outside, I'm just going to put everything outside that belongs to him and tell him to fuck off and stop hounding me.

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 11:45:15

YaY, to leaving everything outside that will remove any legitimate reason for him to text you.

However shit he or the police are being, you are winning this, don't forget that.

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 11:45:57

Next time call 999 his threatening behaviour IS an emergency.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Mar-13 11:46:33

Put out everything that is his. If possible cover it with something just incase it rains,that way he can't say you intentionally damaged his stuff or didn't take reasonable care of it. Then he will have no further reason to return.

You don't need to tell him you are just do it.

If he turns up collects stuff from outside and leaves with no drama great but if he yells shouts hammers on the door or anything like that just call 999. A the very least behaving like that is a public order offence

Euphemia Sun 03-Mar-13 11:47:25

If a total stranger was at your door threatening you, you'd call 999. Treat him no differently.

At least while this man is behaving like such a dick he is making it really easy for you to get rid of him and obtain court orders to keep him at a distance in future. Have yourself something nice to eat and a long bath, keep your chiin up.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 12:46:36

He is definitely giving me lots to use against him. Idiot.

Now I'm getting "can we talk"? , "I'm sorry" texts.

Euphemia Sun 03-Mar-13 12:48:55

Fuck that. Stick to your guns.

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 13:00:32

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

LadyPessaryPam Sun 03-Mar-13 13:06:26

YY ignore, it's gone too far.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 13:10:04

Yeah I'm ignoring the texts. Apart from telling him his stuff is outside I'm not getting sucked in to a conversation.

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 13:10:06

Way too far. It's a cycle- he tried intimidation, didn't work, now he's going for mr nice guy routine. Don't answer any of the texts and brace yourself for the nasty side to show itself again in a few hours.

You are doing so well- just think of him as someone else's spoilt child having a tantrum near you- annoying, but ultimately not your problem.

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 13:10:35

Well done for putting the stuff outside,

LadyPessaryPam Sun 03-Mar-13 13:10:43

Very wise. Remember this is the 1st day of your new life, and hugs from me.

Dededum Sun 03-Mar-13 13:11:55

Remember all you asked him to do was talk/ change the financial arrangements so it was FAIR and he exploded, assaulted you and then harassed you in the middle of the night.

Ignore his texts, block his number.

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 13:14:15

Hurrah for putting the stuff outside smile.

All my STBXH's crap is still in the attic or shed nearly 9 months on! Excuse after excuse why he can't pick it up...

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 13:15:22

The more I ignore him the more irritated and nasty he gets though. Can't win.

squeakytoy Sun 03-Mar-13 13:17:12

You are winning though. smile Stay strong, you are doing great.

FelicityWasCold Sun 03-Mar-13 13:19:04

You can. You are winning. He doesn't live with you, his stuff is outside. You are winning.

Winning does not mean he is nice to you. It means he is not near you- and he will stop texting in time, this won't go on forever- quickest way is to keep ignoring. Can you turn your phone off for a bit?

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 13:22:04

I think you should get a cheap phone that you just use for him, when you need to discuss the children or finances. I've heard Tesco Mobile do some cheap phones.

HecateWhoopass Sun 03-Mar-13 13:25:21

You are winning though. You are being strong, you are saying that you aren't going to be treated like this. That's winning.

He is realising that his cash cow has had enough and he's scared.

He's tried attacking and now he's trying to sweettalk and then he'll try attacking again.

Keep all the texts and read them all, every time you forget, even a little bit, who this man is.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 13:30:08

That's a good idea cremeegg. If i didn't respond though he would just pester me on my phone I have now.

So annoyed with myself for drinking last night. I feel terrible, haven't see my children all weekend and have a really busy week ahead at work. I never do it but calling in sick is appealing right now.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 13:31:54

Hecate, the texts and this thread are a great reminder if I ever feel myself weakening.

Imaginethat Sun 03-Mar-13 13:54:33

Alice I'm so sorry to hear your night got even worse.

Calling in sick a v good idea. Do you think you could use it to have a huge sleep? Once you've had some sleep everything else may seem a little less daunting.

BadabingBadabong Sun 03-Mar-13 14:01:04

Alice, get a cheap mobile for him and then block his number on your current phone.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Mar-13 14:11:56

He can be as annoying as he wants and bombard you with as many texts or calls as he wants but if you don't read them then he won't have any joy will he.

Bung your phone in a drawer or turn it off until you actually need to use it

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 14:28:28

A day off to sleep would be great.

Once the kids are home my phone is getting switched off. I'm sure I have an old phone somewhere I can dig out and use for him only.

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 14:37:47

That's the spirit, Alice. Badabing explained it better than I did. I also think calling in sick for at least a couple of days would be good.

Imaginethat Sun 03-Mar-13 14:44:26

Alice try to keep everything really simple. Beans on toast for the kids. Let them watch TV. Eat. Drink water or tea, no alcohol. This will help you cope.

I guess the phone thing is a little tricky until you get a new number for your family and friends, but I guess you could let them know you are switching it off for hours at a time it old help you get a break.

Just get through the hours till you can sleep, then you can start to put the blocks in place for a legal separation.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 03-Mar-13 14:56:19

Hey Alice.

Sorry last night was so shit for you.

A couple of days off work sound a good idea if you can manage it.

New phone number is worth the hassle and keep old number for him (I do this and it is a godsend tbh)

I second ImagineThat ...keep things as simple as you can.

Get kids off to school tomorrow and then concentrate on yourself, sleep, rest whatever.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 15:01:05

I have some holidays I need to use before the end of March so will maybe use them up this week.

Nothing adventurous for dinner tonight, I couldn't face it.

God, the legal stuff. Don't know where to begin.

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 16:23:16

Legal Matters and Divorce/Separation on here to start. There's a poster called Olgaga who puts together some brilliant links and advice, so look out for her. I'm sorry I can't link to any threads right now, as I'm on my phone, but maybe someone else on here could.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 16:34:07

Thank you, I find it hard to find other forums on my phone. I have AIBU bookmarked smile

Feeling majorly sorry for myself. Have only left my room to put his things in the shed for him to collect. Need to get my act together before kids are home sad

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Mar-13 16:38:13

Go to the Talk button. You will find Relationships and Divorce/Separation in the Body and Soul section, and Legal Matters in Legal and Money.

You are more than entitled to feel sorry for yourself after all that's happened since Friday. Please look after yourself now.

WomanCalledAlice Sun 03-Mar-13 16:46:42

I did report this last night and asked for it to be moved but I guess they are busy with idiot spammers ,

Thanks cremeegg smile

Sorry to scare you with information. olgaga has the most amazing advice.

Here it is...

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.


If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345

Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.


You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:


Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:

Handy tax credits calculator:

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

CAB Benefits Check:

Parenting issues:

Other Support for Women – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence and - Helpline 0808 2000 247 - Helpline 0844 8044 999 - Helpline 0808 802 0925
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.