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Dating thread 44

(1000 Posts)
lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 09:46:59

Here we go - all dating chat here!

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 09:47:14

oww you have absolutely done the right thing.

bugger waiting for him if it's upsetting you dragging it out. give it a little more time maybe but don't wait all day if you don't want to.

ike1 Fri 01-Mar-13 09:53:26

Thanks Lubes, oh I agree OWW....I would have sent a text saying sorry, shit day, will be useless...have to meet oblivion< or something>..... and then I would go off radar for the night. Not nice, not good, but you wouldnt find me on fb <though I'd probs be on here>.

ike1 Fri 01-Mar-13 09:54:29

Oh no that sounds like it might top myself...certainly not....but you can see how these things could be misinterpreted??

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 09:55:44

Thanks lubey.

There's a huge part of me saying don't upset him, apologise, phone him up, cheer him up, make him like you again, panic panic. All conditioning from my ex I know. I find it quite hard to ignore all this shit going on in my head.

I might get in touch and ask him to come round, better to talk than fester?

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 09:58:15

Yep if he'd have sent that text Ike it'd be ok. Not great but I could have understood it. But there was just nothing. That's the real problem, plus it wasn't a normal date, I'd asked him over specifically because I'm feeling so low.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 10:00:36

Yes that's my thinking on it oww - better to talk than fester, sod waiting or who texted who last and all that.

ike1 Fri 01-Mar-13 10:05:09

Ok offer tht OWW but he may not be in any condition to actually take on board what it all means..

mercury7 Fri 01-Mar-13 10:13:37

this thread is making me feel out of breathconfused

AndLibbyMakesThree Fri 01-Mar-13 10:17:46

I totally get that OWW - I hate waiting for someone to contact me, it makes me really anxious. Like you say, things just fester, which is awful, and I'd rather sort them out.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 10:19:20

Where are all these men coming from at the moment?

I have another RL one! grin

Er, you know my Scotland trip? And that I wanted some company while up there in a lovely room and all that...

A distant sort of colleague of mine who I met before once briefly is also going for the same event.

I just asked him out. He said yes. He's only 24 blush [fans self]

I am meant to have a coffee date today with the carpenter off PoF... I feel like shite though headachey and full of cold so going to have to cancel. damn it.

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 10:19:34

'There's a huge part of me saying don't upset him, apologise, phone him up, cheer him up, make him like you again, panic panic.'

<hard stare> this is NOT going to happen, right?

I think your text was very good oww I think you've said what you have to say and the ball is absolutely in his court. You've been perfectly plain and if he doesn't 'man-up' (dislike that phrase as a feminist, but you get what i mean) then he isn't worth your continued effort.

Bant Fri 01-Mar-13 10:49:35

OWW - it was a good text, I can see why you're pissed off especially given that he dropped off the radar like that.

But - people can have a tendency to think the whole world is against them when stuff like this happens - and he's probably no exception. I think you were remarkably diplomatic in your text but if he feels like the world is collapsing on him then he may have read your text, thought 'oh shit, I fucked that up too' and then start thinking you're dumping him. The text does NOT read like that but people make strange decisions when under stress - the tendency to self destruct becoming a vicious circle - so if you were to remind him the ball is in his court - just that and only that, then that would make sense to me.

On other news, I decided to try OKC in Budapest. Chatting to some interesting people, although mostly Romanians for some reason. Got chatting to a lovely Belarusian girl the other night at an Expat do in Budapest. She was lovely. Far too young for me, they were mostly students there, but very lovely indeed. And funny.

Unfortunately I was in that situation where she had a complex Belarussian name, it was very very noisy, I didn't quite catch it, and she was looking after a mate who was having a shitty time, so we didn't exchange numbers or anything, and I can't find her on the Facebook group as there were 200 or so people there.

Ah well. Sheeps that pass in the night and all that

VelvetSpoon Fri 01-Mar-13 11:19:19

Western, I'm really disappointed on your behalf that he hasn't already been in contact.

I think if you want to call him, then you should. But not to apologise/cheer him up though.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 11:23:28

Have called, he's not answering.

Had enough.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 11:35:41

He's sent a text to say I was right in what I said last night. That's it.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:37:10

Oh how shit. OWW I'm so sorry this is happening.

FFS Lm come on... step up man!

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 11:38:05

really sorry to hear that oww I wouldn't entirely write him off yet as he might possibly redeem himself (possibly a hangover-head and that's not the best kind of head for dealing with emotional issues i find) but i think you've made your position clear and instigated contact. I would now consider the ball even more firmly in his court than it previously was.

what are your plans for the weekend? please find things to do and/or friends to be with. keep busy and distract and don't contact again i think.

ike1 Fri 01-Mar-13 11:39:17

Leave it now OWW...the guy has obvs well and truely retreated...seen this happen many, many times v v v irritating...

MirandaWest Fri 01-Mar-13 11:39:40

OWW we could all try second guessing what's going on but the only real way you're going to know Is by talking to him. I agree with Velvet that there's no way you should apologise or try and cheer him up. Did he text before or after you tried calling?

Am I allowed to do some <<hugs>> even though they will show I am not a true viper of Mumsnet?

Western your text was spot on. Eat something, have a brew, get out the box set for now. You have nothing to 'make up' to him for, nothing to apologise for, even your text was polite. You did the right thing. He will not run because you have spoken up, if anything he should respect you for it. I know it's scary, but what we can see that you won't be able to right now is that you are not the woman who has to appease anymore, you have the right to speak up for yourself.

Agree with Snape, the ball is in his court and if he can't sort himself out then he does not deserve you.

Lubey grin if I believed in planetary alignment and all that..

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 11:43:43

cross post OWW. I'm very sorry. i know it isn't necessarily helpful, but I do admire you for saying what you wanted and what you felt was wrong with the relationship and for being resolute and not settling for crumbs from him. you've been absolutely true to what you want and that is very strong of you. bunch of stdavids 's.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:47:20

OWW what snape said, you've handled this brilliantly in the face of such a shit time too. You are brilliant and you are absolutely worthy of far better treatment. So keep holding out (as you already are) til you get it. I really admire you.

Crossed posts OWW. Leave him to it, you don't need any of this.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 11:47:51

He texted after I'd tried calling. Not going to reply. But at least he seems to get the point. No idea where things will go from here but I really can't be arsed with him/it today or tomorrow. He can sit and fester and think about how crap he's been.

I look like shit, too shit even to go to tesco for emergency chocolate. Staying indoors is where it's at today.

Got some great news though - dd has got her grammar school place confirmed for next year. Yay!!

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:49:14

Juliette I have no idea what's going on, but I like it! Having a very slightly flity email convo now with Mr S (Scotland nice young man as mentioned earlier)

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:49:24

flirty*

and yes you are wonderful, kind, loving and have handled this really well, and of course you are going to stay strong here.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 11:51:36

Ha Lubey fun times!

Thank you all so much (again). Honestly don't know what I'd do without you.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:52:57

Wish I could send you emergency supplies OWW. Whereabouts are you?

Hello!

Just popping in to say I meet someone on POF 3 week ago and its going great! He is lovely and hes not a weirdo either like the rest grin

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:53:33

oh and FAB news on the grammar school place! grin

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 11:54:20

Hello SPs - nice one! What's he like then? wink

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 01-Mar-13 12:09:56

OWW, what Lubey said: 'OWW what snape said, you've handled this brilliantly in the face of such a shit time too. You are brilliant and you are absolutely worthy of far better treatment. So keep holding out (as you already are) til you get it. I really admire you.'

And fantastic news re: grammar school place, it must be a relief for yousmile

Hes younger! Only by a year though. Has custody if his daughter, works and has his own place. He has taken me and the toddler out few times with him and his daughter. Hes booked Peppa Pig World for all four of us in 2 week too.

He is great tbh. I doesn't feel awkward or that its only been a few week if seeing each other

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 01-Mar-13 12:19:04

Oh, and good afternoon! Yet again I have been chasing this threat and only just caught up with all the events.

SP, it all sounds lovely, enjoy!

Snape and Velvet smile

And Lubey - girl I want some, share envy. Remember to pace yourself, and get some energy drinks in the cupboard, you may need them wink

I have well and truly broken my vows, and have been up to my usual.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 12:23:03

How lovely SPs! He sounds nice and really glad it's going well for you. It's all much easier believe it or not when you have little DC.

WFF grin

I had a look in the POF forum and found it scary. Could someone tell me where it's sane?

VelvetSpoon Fri 01-Mar-13 13:04:26

Western, fwiw you've handled this perfectly I think. You've made your point in a v dignified way. I know I wouldn't have done it anywhere near as well.

Lubey, yet another man! shock I am impressed (actually make that envious, I attract lots of men but invariably ones I don't want…like bloke from school who despite still being on holiday sent me a msg asking if I wanted to skype with him….erm, no!)

I have a whole weekend with absolutely nothing to do. Haven't had one of those since before Xmas. Seems weird, though I should probably just enjoy it smile can't help wishing a little bit I was seeing C though. Oh well.

Velvet of course you will wish you are seeing Cuthbert, he will reappear at some point. I've had a couple of weekends with nothing planned. I joined some MeetUp groups and will be going for a Group Walk on Sunday shock which for some reason I am feeling a bit shy about.

juliette I find the forums can be quite amusing if you pick the right thread. And very often it affirms various beliefs in OD and how lots of people find it shit etc. And occasionally you can see someone who you think is reasonable and start up a chat with and who knows....

OWW - Your text was spot on and I agree with what lubey said also

48howdidthathappen Fri 01-Mar-13 13:49:02

OWW I so sorry LM has let you down (((hugs))) really shitty of him.

You have handled it with dignity. You have class.

Ball most definately in his court.

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 14:07:12

i asked nameless 'when would suit'

he responsed, 'birthday suit - any time'

it's wrong to leave work now isn't it.... ?

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 15:26:53

No snape. No it isn't, fly my pretty!

Velv I don't know what's happening shock but I'm gonna make hay while the sun shines, or something! grin

OWW hope you're ok

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 15:27:38

Should I just let him stew? Nothing since the text saying that I was right with what I said last night. Don't really know what that means in terms of what, if anything, he's going to do about things.

What he has not said: sorry, I'll make things right, I love you, how are you feeling, let's meet up and sort this out.

He has his boys this weekend so bad timing for meeting up even if he was going to suggest it.

I hate this waiting. Would rather just talk and sort it out.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 15:32:30

Hope you've gone, Snape!

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 15:37:12

still here ... going soon. grin

OWW he's admitted that you're right and is probably in an ultra-low place now, so it might not be the right time for him to talk about it and it won't be a productive talk if he feels corralled into it...so because of that, I'd wait just now - possibly send a text tomorrow if you haven't heard from him, because he might need some space to acclimatise.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 15:39:03

Go, woman, what's wrong with you?

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 15:51:40

work.... but i've actually worked myself into a place of hysteria given we have enjoyed a productive afternoon running our photos through a celebrity face matching app and I AM BEYONCE!

hmm

ordinarybloke Fri 01-Mar-13 15:53:08

oww-sorry to hear about LM.he is being very selfish,but might be feeling v.low and thinking everything is against him at the moment. i would give it a couple of days,but then tell him that this cannot happen again,otherwise it will be over.

and congrats on your daughter and the school-it shows what a great parent you are.I am sure your dad would have been very proud.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 16:24:39

Yep, Snape and Bloke things aren't going well for LM at the moment. I feel bad about landing my shit on him too, but I had to take a stand. There's all the stuff about his dad, his shop fitters are late, all this stuff yesterday, some other work stuff going on, and now me. He must be feeling very low.

Thanks for saying that about my dd Bloke. I hope my dad would have been really proud of her. She's worked hard.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 16:31:10

Exactly oww whatever he has going on you have your own stuff too and shouldn't just be quiet about it just because he isn't having a great time either. As was mentioned yesterday, and in your text to him - relationships are about mutual support.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 16:32:05

and it isn't exactly a difficult or stressful thing to turn up and have a nice hug. It really isn't asking him to climb everest.

ike1 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:35:02

Thing is though he might feel silly about the trouble he has got himself into and therefore find it difficult to talk about? Especially if annoyed with himself.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 16:41:05

I can't stand people who can't say sorry. It's ridiculous. He needs to grow up and sort it the fuck out. It is not difficult and there is NO excuse for an adult to be so pathetic.

Poppysquad Fri 01-Mar-13 16:41:08

Please help, dear MNers. I am pretty confused. I told you last week that SD asked me over to his house to let me know that it wasn't working for him and that he didn't have the feelings for me that indicated that ours was a long term relationship. Tears.Anger.Self analysis. I am sure you can imagine how I was, I did let you all know.
That was last Wednesday. Friday evening he called over to my house to help me put some furniture together that he had helped me measure up for. Sunday he texted me saying he could come over Monday and help too, so he did. Wednesday he texted me to tell me there was a programe on telly that he had spotted that I might like to watch. Thursday (last night), I spoke to him on the phone for quite a while. Saturday he is coming round at 10 to go out walking with me.
We have not spoken a great deal about things - and certainly not on Monday, but he did make a couple of comments - he does still have feelings for me, (I told that I know), he thinks he's a silly old man and that he had been frightened off. I didn't really react too much to this. Our reltionship did get pretty intense quite quickly, staying at his house when my DS was at his dads, weekends away and calls everyday. But I certainly didn't share any thoughts with him about it being forever, and I took care not to plan things too far into the future with him.
I have desperately been trying to play it cool. Not contacting him unles we pre-agreed. But it is frustrating.
Arghhhhh. He has made no move on me, just a big hug and a quick kiss before he left both times. He is perfectly friendly with me - is this what it is? Friends? Or are we together? Do I tackle him about it and run the danger of frightening him off again? Am I a free agent?
I know I should just be patient and wait and see how things go - but what do you think?

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 16:41:50

especially when they know what harm they have caused too and agree it wasn't on.

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 16:45:03

you only 'feel bad' at 'landing your shit' on him because you are a lovely person who, even if they have their own shit going on, is still considerative of the feelings of other people. I'm starting to think he doesnt deserve you. <glares>

In saying he probably doesn't feel up to talking, having realised he's being a bit of a fannybaws, I am in no way attempting to excuse him. angry

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 16:45:32

Poppy again this is a grown adult being pathetic (him). Don't tiptoe around him just ask. It really shouldn't be like that in the early days. It should be all loved up and no question of feelings. I have a horrible feeling you could be wasting your time hanging around, so you need to know what the fuck exactly he is playing at.

And if the answer is still the same then be very angry at his comments leading you on.

Oohh I'm in a grrrr mood today.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 16:47:06

No we have heard quite a lot about trouble at t'shop in great and varied detail. But I think he must have misread the lease or something leading to all this stuff yesterday so maybe that's why he is being very reticent. And he myst have had letters about it which he must have ignored. He is worried about money as well.

I feel really bad for him, would help him out if I could even if just listening, have told him that.

But yes, doesn't take much to turn up for a chat and a hug. I can see though how he got all caught up with the bailiff stuff. It's the not contacting me that's the real problem, so inconsiderate. I hope this might even end up improving things. But I'm getting anxious now that it all means he doesn't care, no point carrying on if he's not going to sort it out.

Snapespeare Fri 01-Mar-13 16:48:54

I'm on the train now btw. off to my favourite bed arms. grin wink will report in. <blows kiss to thread> you are all fab. x

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 16:50:51

Hope he has his red trews on for you ... but not for too long!

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 16:50:56

Woohoo snape have a great time grin

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 16:53:06

Poppy you need to straighten it out with him before you go any further. Would you be happy just being friends?

MirandaWest Fri 01-Mar-13 16:55:21

Have a great time Snape smile

MirandaWest Fri 01-Mar-13 17:01:10

Have been mystery shopping today. Need to do reports. Am unmotivated. Mr Nice coming round later and would like to have done them by then but is unlikely. He is happy to sit and mess about with iPad though smile

He is likely to be a little befuddled as has just ended one job and will be seeing his ex wife tomorrow as she is moving back here today (he thinks). She still has stuff in his garage which needs to be not there. He's only seen her a few times in the past nearly year. I see XH rather more often than feels ok but as there is much passing of 9 and 7 year olds this is probably par for the course.

Am going to watch Quartet tomorrow lunch time in nice cinema and will take a Boots Meal Deal with me smile

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 17:08:23

Actually, having written that post, it's quite worrying that he got himself in this position. Surely if you have a debt you will be given a lot of chances to pay it off before it gets to the bailiff stage? I'm finding it quite difficult to imagine how he got himself in this situation in the first place as he must have misread something or else deliberately not paid the rent on the shop. And then ignored all the warning letters. Hmm I am beginning to see why he didn't tell me.

This is very worrying. Ex was crap with money and did this kind of thing with frightening regularity. Ended up having totally separate finances. One thing I like(d) about LM is that I thought he was financially sorted and responsible but I'm not sure that is the case.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 17:44:38

Do you think he might be depressed OWW? Just symptoms I had years ago were of the burying my head in the sand, inertia type. Maybe it's that.

It still isn't an excuse but maybe a mitigating circumstance if so. And if so he needs to readily accept things like meds, counselling, and debt management type stuff.

If not then he might just be perpetually crap with money and the type who just can't apologise (which i loathe)

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 17:54:00

Yes, I think he's depressed. He was seeing a counsellor when I first met him but got discharged. He won't go back or go on meds because of work issues which I can't talk about here. So yes, this is another thing I'm trying to juggle with in this whole mess.

He's actually pretty well off, nice lifestyle, huge expensive house, cleaner, gardener, nice cars, dcs at private school, nice holidays etc. Can't see how he got where he is today by being crap with money. His ex didn't work so all the earning power was his and he has done alright for himself. But he's not worked for a while with setting the new business up so is spending a lot more than he's earning at the moment.

Poppy I'm sorry he has given you mixed messages. My gut feel with him is that he is rather entitled, it has been on his terms and still is. So he thinks he can wine and dine you, have you over to his place when it suits and then drop you like a stone for whatever reason? Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh and maybe him calling himself Sugar Daddy has put me off him (I may have that out of proportion but it speaks volumes about his attitudes imo) but I do think you deserve better than than him.

Western stay firm, ball is in his court. I know its difficult as you are imagining the worst but calling him when he already should have called you back won't change anything, it is up to him to sort himself out.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 18:06:11

I'm not going to crumble Juliette - at least I am unwavering at the moment. May have the urge to do something stupid around 11pm after too many rums .... someone stop me!

Been looking at photos of my dad. Christ, he looks so young. Only 49 when he died. Lovely man (but my mum led him a right dance).

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 18:08:03

I'm going to put a photo on FB of my dad tomorrow as a remembrance of him, so I hope some of you will have a chance to see him. :-)

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 18:22:39

Place marking. I've had an eventful day off work today and am going to be busy for a while. Thinking about deleting my POF account as I don't want to date for a couple of months and will be busy.

Lubey, what amazing vibes are you throwing out at the moment. Can you share it? I get you about BC, just had my serious head on yesterday. I had flashbacks this morning about the last time with the ex, over 2 months, eek and yep I am definitely wanting grin.

Snape, have a lovely time tonight.

Western, I am sorry you feel let down, but agree with the others to give it a bit of time before you make decisions and see what happens. You are right to assert yourself for the future though.

Waves to everyone else.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 18:40:31

Scrazy yeah, it feels good grin I promise if BC had done anything wrong or wasn't what I wanted I wouldn't go near him. But as far as I can see in the situation, having calmed down and assessed what him being back actually means, I think it's all good just to go ahead and shag him. <shrug> and hurrah for that, because he's damned good at it grin

OWW that explains a lot then - definitely not an excuse though and he really needs to get on top of the situation. Good that he isn't just naturally crap with money, much better sign than otherwise anyway.

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 18:43:13

Lubey, my iron knickers were firmly on yesterday when I suggested you take it easy. All it takes is a couple of months for my frustration empathy to come out.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 18:52:52

Probably why I make a lot of excuses for him. I've had the old black dog on my shoulder before now and I know how difficult it can make life. He is getting better but it's never a straight path, there are always downs as well as ups. I think at the moment he's just got too much on his plate.

The money thing is pretty worrying if he's let things slip to the extent that bailiffs turned up at his house to seize his property. I have an absolute horror of this sort of situation. So many warning bells for me here.

Dd has just written COCK in huge capitals on my shopping list. Think I'll get half a dozen.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 18:55:16

Probably why I make a lot of excuses for him. I've had the old black dog on my shoulder before now and I know how difficult it can make life. He is getting better but it's never a straight path, there are always downs as well as ups. I think at the moment he's just got too much on his plate.

The money thing is pretty worrying if he's let things slip to the extent that bailiffs turned up at his house to seize his property. I have an absolute horror of this sort of situation. So many warning bells for me here.

Dd has just written COCK in huge capitals on my shopping list. Think I'll get half a dozen.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 18:56:05

Oops sorry, double post.

Western I do hope that is Waitrose Naice Cock

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 19:06:20

I never let depression be an excuse. It's a treatable illness, the symptoms of which can be a total arse because they can include hopelessness and all that. But once you realise it's an illness and things like inertia, feelings of hopelessness and blackness etc are the symptoms and not how things actually are, it's much easier to get a handle on it.

I don't understand him not taking meds because of a job, that is quite insulting really as it implies you function less well on them. That may be true for a couple of weeks while they settle down but after that they are a great support and you can function just as well as anyone else, and have the strength to recognise it all for an illness that needs treating.

Say colds were permanent unless you took lemsip every day for a few months - it's like refusing to that and permanently living with the cold.

I haven't had any need for them in years and years but I wouldn't hesitate if it came back.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 19:06:45

<snort> at Juliette

Scazy is that the ex with the 'friends'? if it's only 2 months you are doing very well smile

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 19:16:10

Lubey it's something else about the job, more due to other people's perceptions. It does make sense in a weird way, I can see his point but I've told him a few weeks ago it's not a helpful attitude when he could do with ads and counselling.

Western don't answer this if it will out him but how would anyone else know?

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 19:20:05

No one needs to know he takes them though. Surely other people perceptions of him will be worse if he has bailiffs turning up all over the place when he clearly has the funds to deal with things before that stage.

Ah I see Juliette has asked why anyone would know. Yes don't out him if it would. I can't think of any job where it's anyones damn business, unless you were off for a great length of time.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 19:20:51

Can't say on here but they would. I will pm you.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 19:28:23

Can't pm off my phone I don't think.

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 19:32:10

Ok fair enough, I'll pm you later don't worry smile but... even if people would know, it still has to be better than being in the shit, and he's likely to have a dodgy view of other peoples perceptions due to the nature of the illness

MirandaWest Fri 01-Mar-13 19:39:58

OWW I am another one who has taken ADs for quite a while. Kept coming off too quickly and then relapsed which wasn't great. Finally came off them v slowly and had a course of CBT and haven't taken them for just over 3 years which considering what has happened in that time is pretty good. Think my depression may have contributed to my marriage breaking down and when I was out the other side again XH had found someone else.

Whenever I started taking ADs I was very tired and had "morning sickness" for a couple of weeks but they were what I needed to be able to function on any sort of level. I suppose I too can't see why LM feels he can't take them but presume there must be some reason.

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 19:41:24

Juliette, yes that's him, he wasn't that good I kid myself.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 19:53:18

Oh no getting the urge to phone him and it's only ten to eight grin

If he ignores my dad's anniversary tomorrow I'm going to find that really hard to deal with. When it was his last week he was really pissed off that his ex hadn't said anything to him when he picked the kids up, so he's obviously sensitive to these nuances. Now I am worrying about that as well as the other stuff.

Have said I'll go to my dads grave with my mum tomorrow. This is a really big thing for me. I've only been once apart from the funeral. Shit. Want to change my mind.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 19:54:45

Miranda and Lubey - I really wish he'd go back to the doctor but he won't. I'm sure he's not as over it as he is pretending.

Western what Lubey said. It may well be that he is sticking his head in the sand about being depressed and assuming others would take a dim view. When I was working I had a surprising number of staff on ADs, I only knew because sometimes something would happen and they didn't want to tell their immediate line managers. The only thing they had in common was the fear someone would fine out. No one knew, not their colleagues who also had depression, not their managers, not HR. It's so much more common than anyone thinks.

Anyway, depressed or not it does not excuse the main event which is he let you down and still hasn't said sorry yet.

Western you can changed your mind. It may cause ructions but you can change your mind Only go if you are feeling up to it, if it will help you. You are not just there for your Mum, you grieve how you need to <projecting face>.

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 20:00:13

OWW, I lost both parents many years ago, my dad in hellish circumstances when I was 18 and my mum at a ripe old age but still... It will be a lovely personal time when you visit the grave.

Forgot to say huge congratulations to your DD, what a fantastic achievement for her and you of course.

I don't say much on here as don't want to out myself but my DD is a tremendous source of pride to me, what she is doing. I honestly think that family is so important, so is a man but hey family trumps it.

CastroIsDead Fri 01-Mar-13 20:04:53

is this supposed to be a kiss :* ?
ridiculously excited about my date although haven't actually set a date yet im very busy with work next week and have my ds to look after

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 20:20:19

Scrazy you're right, nothing more important than family. Y two are such a source of pride and joy (and a lot else).

Juliette see this is how my stupid mind works. I think about all this extraneous stuff and end up feeling sorry for him and forgetting what he's done. Crap.

Castro think so. Get that date sorted pronto and try not to get too excited beforehand!

VelvetSpoon Fri 01-Mar-13 20:25:45

Western, if you don't want to go to the grave, don't go. You're allowed to change your mind. If you think rather than a time of quiet reflection with your memories of your dad it's more likely to be your mum mithering at you about this and that, then do something else. Go for a walk somewhere peaceful maybe, or do something that will (in a good way) remind you of your dad and honour his memory.

One of my dad's big loves was horseracing - I always feel a bit closer to him whenever I go. Made me think of him earlier when you said that your dad was only 49 when he died - it seems scarily young to me, as that's the age my dad was when I was born, and just starting on a whole new chapter of his life (I was his first child, and my mum, who he had only met a couple of years earlier, was his first proper relationship after nearly 30 years of playing the field...).

And re LM, depressed or not, he has behaved badly. And he's not even said one single sorry so far. He is not (yet) deserving of you sympathising with him. He could've said sorry, you're right, and then gone back to feeling woe is me, or whatever he's doing, but he hasn't even done that. Yet. I do stress the yet because I think (hope) he's not so foolish that he won't still redeem himself somehow.

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 20:32:58

I visit my mum and dads grave quite seldom, when I do it's usually when I want to tell them something, rather that this anniversary and Christmas time etc. It's personal to an individual.

Deleted my POF account so will still lurk and might still post, with my infinite wisdom, if that's OK?

Scazy I'm sorry for your loss too, good you have your lovely DD to be proud of.

I lost my Dad 6 years ago this February and tbh with the talk of bereavements it made me realise that I still haven't grieved for him properly, I didn't get the chance at the time and I had nowhere to go with it or talk it through (hence projecting comment above)

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 20:39:16

Thanks Velvet. The grave thing is going to be bad and end in an argument, but if I say no it will lead to an argument too. I'll sleep on it.

I don't think he's going to apologise, or get in contact. He's run off into his cave and he's not coming out. I don't know what to do. When it comes down to it, I really want/need to see him, need a bit of support. I know he's let me down and it really hurts but that doesn't make the need for a hug go away. I just don't know what to do.

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 20:40:13

Juliette, it's normal to feel as though you haven't grieved. My family say now that if what happened to my dad had happened more recently we would have had counseling but in those days, it was just deal with it. With mum it was more normal and I had a little one so didn't grieve at all. So strange, I am still waiting for it to hit me 13 years on.

Chin up everyone, spring is in the air, it is in the north and I reckon we are going to have another freaky March, like last year, where I will be decked out in my bikini in a couple of weeks.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 20:41:36

Scrazy yes, please stay around and keep posting.

Oh Juliette, I am sorry.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VelvetSpoon Fri 01-Mar-13 21:07:31

Juliette and Scrazy, I am so sorry for both your losses.

Grief is such an individual thing. I had 5 days off from law school after my mum died. I know that lots of people thought I was pretty cold hearted but I couldn't deal with how utterly devastated my dad was, plus being at home without my mum there was unbearable. I remember lots, and yet hardly anything, about the few months after that. I was pretty much on autopilot. When my dad died 3 years later, I took a week's leave from work. It was suggested to me any longer would have been excessive hmm. I spent all my spare time getting drunk, until quite by accident I feel pregnant with DS1, which made me sort myself out a bit. I don't know if I ever really grieved, or maybe I still am. I still miss them, I always will. I find being without their advice and views so hard, especially the older I get and the harder I find it to remember what they thought about certain things.

Western, no need to decide yet about tomorrow - if you think there will be a row either way, maybe think about whether it's easier to deal with that at home or not.

I understand that need for a hug, and for support, and that feeling that if you make the first move, do something conciliatory, it will all be well. Which it might be, but only for right now. Then the next time he has an issue, at the same time as you need support, you could be thrown back to the same situation. Being strong about these things is so hard though.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girliefriend Fri 01-Mar-13 21:09:54

Hello ladies, my two bestbuds came over on Monday and forced convinced me to join match.com. After an fairly successful start it has all gone quiet already sad

What am I doing wrong?? Am starting to feel disheartened already and I have only been on there 5 days!!

Velvet you just put that so much better than I did

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 21:16:09

Velvet sad Same sort of thing with me, thanks for sharing. The best legacy they can leave us is that we go on and live our lives. x

lubeybooby Fri 01-Mar-13 21:22:42

Girliefriend I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong, it's bound to quiten down a bit after an initial flurry.

You could always join PoF or Okcupid if you want all the attention of being new again at some point grin

Scrazy Fri 01-Mar-13 21:23:52

Weird day today and I'm shattered so off to bed early, night.

48howdidthathappen Fri 01-Mar-13 21:35:13

OWW I am depressed. I nearly hit my daughter a few weeks ago, a few hours later I said sorry. No excuse for shit behaviour.

I have been on ADs for 2 weekks now, made me feel constantly knackered at first. Still functioning though. I am starting to feel the benefit now, still got the same crap in my life, but coping better. Struggling on is not the answer.

OhWesternWind Fri 01-Mar-13 21:49:34

You are right, 48, it's no excuse. I'm glad the ADs are starting to kick in and make life a little easier.

Flipper924 Fri 01-Mar-13 22:16:06

I do feel sorry for all of you missing loved ones at the moment.

Welcome, girlie. I think there's often a flurry of interest when you first join, you're 'new blood'! Make the most of it, I say.

girliefriend Fri 01-Mar-13 22:17:31

Have been on pof for a while but totally lost the will on it, it was really quite grim!! oh well will keep plodding on I suppose grin

girliefriend Fri 01-Mar-13 22:19:19

I had one bloke message me and say 'am really not keen on dating single mums' umm don't message me then confused

<sighs deeply>

Bant Fri 01-Mar-13 22:28:07

girlie - I would have been tempted to reply to that bloke and say 'oh well in that case I'll put my children up for adoption so I'm more appealing to you. You knob.'

There are a bunch of morons on any OD site - just like in real life. The difference is in real life, at a party or bar or something, people wouldn't be as rude or offensive or weird because they'd be embarrassed to do so in front of people - and they can't see your reaction so feel less guilty.

But - some of us aren't knobs. Honest

chuchiface Fri 01-Mar-13 22:37:44

Hi, I was talking to someone online about the things folk say on OD, it's like there's no filter, I hope they don't say these things in real life and I've never been approached in real life by the 20 somethings that appear online (I'm mid forties).

CastroIsDead Fri 01-Mar-13 22:41:53

joined here because i was thinking of joining pof so far I've heard grim and soul destroying so dont think im brave enough yet.
date will be arranged tomorrow for next week hopefully. am trying not to get too excited so out of the blue its hard not to and he seems lovely so far

CastroIsDead Fri 01-Mar-13 22:44:27

girliefriend what is it you are looking for from od if you don't mind me asking??

chuchiface Fri 01-Mar-13 22:47:33

I've been talking to some nice men this week, handsome too so it's not all bad. Unless of course those pics aren't really them...

girliefriend Fri 01-Mar-13 22:51:31

Well Castro a date would be nice smile really looking to meet a nice (hopefully) normal bloke!!

I have been single for ages which doesn't really bother me but I am aware that at 34 if i want to meet someone, get married and poss have another baby I need to get on with it!! Also 3 of my best friends have met their oh through od so I know it can be done.

CastroIsDead Fri 01-Mar-13 22:56:48

so ultimately you're looking for the 1?sorry to be nosey just wonder about peoples different motivations for doing it think i need to work out what i want before i bother with it. encouraging that your friends were successful though
good luck

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 00:10:00

sleepover! this clearly involves lots and LOTS OF SEX! ! grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin (brief hug for those of you sad tonight) (back to lots more sex!!)

blush blush blush

Flipper924 Sat 02-Mar-13 00:48:35

Glad you're having fun, Snape!

I asked for 2 of my posts to be deleted, it just came out but this wasn't the place for that reflection blush

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 01:53:22

Snape grin

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 07:26:51

OWW just want to let you know that you'll be in my thoughts today. Make sure you're kind and gentle with yourself, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. flowers and a big hug.

Juliette, I'm sorry about your dad. flowers

Velvet and Scrazy I reckon your parents would have been very proud of the women you've turned into.

Snape envy grin that poor lad is going to need some Lucozade.

48howdidthathappen Sat 02-Mar-13 08:40:16

Snape Yay! to lots and lots grin

Hope you are ok OWW

McBuckers Sat 02-Mar-13 09:44:27

Have been talking to a lovely man on Match.com but he's gone very quiet since I answered his question about my kids' ages (6, 2, 9mths).

I think he's run a mile!

Flipper924 Sat 02-Mar-13 09:46:15

Thinking of you, OWW.

Juliette, I can only speak for myself, but I really don't mind you reflecting here if it helps. If it doesn't help, and you'd rather undo what you've typed, then that's fair enough, of course, but I'd hate for anyone to think that they couldn't share what they were thinking.

MirandaWest Sat 02-Mar-13 10:02:10

Thinking of you OWW and lovely picture of your dad on Facebook smile

Hope Snape got some sleep last night grin

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 10:17:15

Thank you everyone. Am vaguely okay not really Ashamed to say I've phoned LM.

Juliette, just what Flipper said. I think of this thread as a group of friends and hope we're the same for you whether it's dating stuff or something else.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 10:37:38

Juliette I agree with flipper. [hug]

OWW what has he had to say for himself? Are you ok?

McBuckers awww, well his loss if so

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 10:51:17

Juliette, I agree entirely with flipper and western. I do think of this as a place to share our thoughts, whether dating/relationship related or not. Hope you are ok today.

Western, thinking of you. Saw your dad's photo, he looks like a lovely, kind man. I hope LM is able to put his own crap aside, step up amd support you today.

Well it looks like MN tardiness has intervened, I did request deletion last night but they are still there. I'm really touched by your kindness, thank you. I'm not sure if the posts will vanish at some point when MN realise. Anyway, the power of small kindnesses has worked, maybe it's the permission to grieve but I'm sitting here crying for him for the first time since he died (good thing) . Maybe I'll start my own thread now or maybe this was just enough to start the process for me.

Western I hope you are ok lovely (hugs).

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 11:40:26

Juliette xx

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 11:47:13

He was nice, sent a text about my dad after the phone call and said he'll ring later. Spoke to one of the boys. His friend (yes, that one) is over as she's putting her late dad's house on the market and the house is near LM but about 200 miles from where she lives. Hmmm. But it looks like she officially knows about me now anyway ... All these visits have been to do with her dad's house so I will just see how it goes from now on.

Lots of things to think and talk about with all this, but not today. Feeling horribly let down still but I'm just not in the right frame of mind to keep up with the radio silence etc today. Crumbs, I know. I hate myself for doing this but I'm just feeling too low to deal with it all now.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 11:48:17

Hugs to you Juliette.

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 11:59:48

Western, do what you need to in order to get through today.

Thinking of you and juliette xx

My friend who is getting married is driving me to distraction. I may have to start a sep thread about it, I feel bad about ranting over such trivial shit here with all the stuff everyone else is going through!

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 12:08:45

Echo what everyone has said up thread, Juliette, this should be a place where you can say whatever is bothering you, dating or otherwise. I think everyone does sincerely care and want to provide whatever support we can.

OWW, just do whatever you need to do x

Velvet, is she behaving like some kind of dreadful tyrant ?

MirandaWest Sat 02-Mar-13 12:09:59

Trivial shit is important too Velvet (if that's not too oxymoronic).

Mr Nice is helping his XW today as she moves into new place and old stuff of hers is in his garage. Suspect it will be a day of frustrations as he texted before to say she has loads of stuff and can't get into new house until 2:30 and then will need to go and get the things from his house....

He and I were in bed this morning when Jehovah's witnesses knocked at the door. We ignored them. They knocked again. A bit later he was leaving and I was about to go for a run and they appeared at the car. We pointed out we were not interested and that we had not opened the doir to them before. Am starting to wonder if I should have answered the door naked as that might have driven them away quicker grin

MirandaWest Sat 02-Mar-13 12:12:10

Sorry that was all about me blush.

OWW please don't hate yourself - today you need to do whatever is OK for you.

Wonder if Snape has emerged yet....

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 02-Mar-13 12:20:33

OWW, I'm thinking of you today. Don't feel bad about contacting LM - the important thing is to get through today, and if speaking to LM has made that even a tiny bit less painful, it sounds as if it was the right thing to do.

Juliette, I agree with what everyone else has said. I've found this thread supportive and caring for both dating and non-dating stuff.

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 12:21:30

only just emerged! he bought me a tooth brush! choose your hats ladies! hmm was lovely evening & morning. we are not 'in a relationship, but we are 'dating' whatever that means....& are making plans for easter. he's asked about meeting the DCs, he doesnt regard this as a 'big deal' hmm I do, would need to be a bit more certain of where things are heading first. anyway, he's lovely & has no qualms about menstrual blood at all... shock wink

OWW hope you are doing ok today & sending best, positive thoughts
x

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 12:29:22

OWW lots of love to you, bless you. I have a lot in mind to say about him again but today is not the time or place so please remind me to post when you're feeling a bit better. [hug]

Velvet go on do a thread... AIBU loves a bridezilla!

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 12:30:34

Snape grin

He's kidding himself re: the relationship. If he's getting the urge to meet your kids and buying you personal hygiene items, that's rather boyfriendish! especially meeting DC's shock

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 12:32:15

Ok trivial wedding nonsense coming up...

Wedding is in 18 months time. I am bridesmaid (oldest bloody bridesmaid in the world, but hey...). Everything has to be done NOW. Can I choose what dress I want asap? I can have any style except it has to be from a particular shop (who only do 3 styles, 2 of which I wouldn't wear. And fuck knows what size I will be in 18 months. But it has to be bought asap. What shoes will I be wearing? Can I make sure they're not too high...

Then we get onto logistics - she needs to know how I'm getting there and where I'm staying. Again, ASAP. Wedding is just over an hour by car, 2.5 hours by train as have to go via London, on tube etc (plus a long taxi ride as in the arse end of nowhere). I'll have to go by train. With 2 arsey teens and all wedding stuff. And then home again post wedding, same journey. Plus taxis to and from venue etc. And stay 2 nights because she needs me from 9am on morning of wedding. Nearest hotel is £100 per night, and they only have doubles. So that's 2 rooms, for 2 nights...but its not just the cost, it's everything.

It is makimg my head spin. Everyone else has people to give them lifts, or help with stuff. I am being pathetic and whiny about it but I am in a bad mood anyway today and all this is just making me worse!

Sorry sad

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 12:36:47

I forgot
..he makes a humming tardis noise when he sleeps. I bagged myself a tardis! grin

I promise my wedding will be small and simple in comparison (hahahahaha!) (velv it sounds like a nightmare!)

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 12:37:44

Oh velvet that would twist my melon too. She's being insane doing all this 18 sodding months in advance. Especially the dresses and stuff.

When I got married I planned the whole thing in three months flat from engagement to 'I do'

I hope she is at least buying the dress and shoes and she should be paying for your hotel too as you are vital and she 'needs' you. She's being bloody cheeky as hell, bridezillaish and a bit mad, tbh.

MirandaWest Sat 02-Mar-13 12:41:05

Argh she sounds totally bridezilla. There is no need for her to know all those details now at all. She's getting married in Summer 2014? I can see she needs to book somewhere now possibly but doesn't need to know what anyone including her is wearing yet and as for wanting to know your travel plans that is ridiculous.

Snape am nice and smile for you. Would agree with you on meeting DC being a bit of a bigger thing though althiugh I guess it depends on how he is presented so to speak.

Am on worlds slowest bus. Would have been better to walk (slight exaggeration but not that far off).

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 12:44:58

I think she's paying for the dress. The rest is down to me. I really can't bear thinking about it all. It's just another reminder of what I won't ever have which frankly I can do without. The more I think about going to yet another wedding where I am the token singleton/single parent it makes me want to tell her to shove the whole thing up her arse.

Hence I need to stop thinking about it, go and have a cry, and safely vent my frustration about this and other shit well away from my phone where I am likely to send texts I may regret!

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 12:47:42

This is why I love my best mate. We have the kind of relationship where we can just tell each other when either of us is being a twat, and it's taken with affection.

If she was behaving like this over a wedding, I could quite confidently say to her 'what fucking planet are you on woman? You don't need to do anything for at least a year! AND you'd best pay for my room you stingy sod' and she would instantly realise, agree, and we'd laugh about it.

Or I'd likely answer that I would be flying there on a magic carpet and wearing a pink spandex bikini and paying for the whole thing with shirt buttons and she would get the idea from that too.

mercury7 Sat 02-Mar-13 12:55:49

Velvet, I'd duck out, but then I'm not the sort of person anyone'd want as a brides maid!
I suppose it depends on the consequences of backing out.
will she say 'I hate you and I never want to speak to you again' ?

and would that sound like a threat or a promise? grin

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 12:56:31

and awww Velvet sad please don't be so negative and tell yourself you will NEVER have this.

You might think you're trying to be realistic or not set yourself up for disappointment but honestly, truly, the realistic thing is that you never know honestly you don't. So please don't upset yourself like that. In fact I would sit there and happily plan how not to be a bridezilla like her when you do get married.

How the past has been, is no reflection or indication on how the future will be - so no telling me no man is interested never meet them never want to see me again and all that. None of us know what might be around the corner, or where the corner even is! I know it's maddening from that fact, and becomes easy to believe that is your lot. But it isn't. Keep the faith! [hug]

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 13:06:57

I have to do it really. I'm ignoring it all for now as that seems the best way. She won't buy a dress (she says) without me seeing it/approving it so will just have to be busy for all shopping expeditions for the next year...I have drafted a message to her, along the lines of stop being so bloody ridiculous, does she realise its not THIS summer etc. And a few slightly more pithy sentiments. But along with the exceptionally terse one I drafted to C last night it will remain unsent for now

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 13:14:18

Lubey I know I'd be a fab bride. I planned my wedding years ago (saddo), back when everyone I knew was getting married and I assumed I would too.

It's true you never know what might happen, I suspect in the same way men don't see me as girlfriend material they don't see me as marriage material either. But I will continue to hope that isn't the case, amd that maybe at some point in the next 40 years or so I might meet one person who sees me as something more that a meaningless shag, however unlikely that seems.

Scrazy Sat 02-Mar-13 13:14:20

Snape, this all spells boyfriend to me. No need to label it though at this stage, just enjoy it and see where it goes. Very pleased for you.

Velvet, weddings are expensive for everyone attending aren't they. We might be having a bit family wedding next year but fingers crossed it might be near me.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 14:01:58

Snape oh it sounds lovely. Wonderful. So happy for you.

Velvet. Aargh run away, run away. I think someone (you?) needs to have a quiet word with her and calm her down a bit. And like Lubey says, you never know what the future holds.

Lubey don't hold back! At the moment I don't care.

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 14:18:35

urban dictionary dating definitions none the wiser. <shrug> who cares. I'm smiling.

velvet I think you will get married. smile and I think it would be a lovely wedding. My first (only) wedding was good fun. Hired a cream vintage Bentley, wore a floor length red dress with yards of red net. Bouquet of red roses and white lilies. We had a small wedding with less than 10 people, then we all went for a curry...then a karaoke with all our friends, no speeches. A friend catered it as a gift and another took the photos as a present. Was smashing. except he turned out to be a fucker, but there you go...) I don't really like the state legitimisation of a private arrangement...I'm kind of coming down on the side of annually renewable hand-fasting --god, I'm such a hippie

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 14:21:31

Velvet the men so far have been a bit crap and unsuitable though (apart from maybe C, if he pulls his finger out a bit!) so who cares how they saw you. It doesn't mean that's going to be a general thing that applies to all men, especially ones that are actually nice and suitable for you

And any met from OD that went wrong don't really count because OD is just fucking weird and as someone who seems to have no problem with RL relationships I haven't had one last very long at all from OD, and very few that went past a 1st or 2nd date. So yeah... keep that faith up.

What's the terse text you have the urge to send... generally kind of about?

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 14:22:11

She sounds like a freakin' nightmare, Velvet - next thing you know she'll be organising a bridal shower with yellow Labrador puppies in the party bags like Bridesmaids. Perhaps you should pour your frustration into a screenplay and earn yourself zillions of quid as a top screenwriter and buy a house in the California hills.

< browses online for 'fuschia hat the size of a small child' to wear to Snape and Nameless's nuptials >

MsCellophane Sat 02-Mar-13 14:39:49

OWW - thinking of you today

Lubey - I want want you are exuding - fancy throwing some of your excess men this way?

Juliette - sharing is good, we've all shared more than we thought we would, it's good and cathartic

Snape - jealous - that is all

Velvet - no one knows what is around the corner, it takes one meeting with one person and our lives can change, never say never as none of know what is in our future

Hope everyone manages a good weekend

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 15:02:37

Kin if I was a better writer that would be a great idea, there is definitely enough material for a film! The hen do will be a bust as well, I'm trying to forget her suggestions for that...

Getting married for me (or even finding someone worth marrying) is a bit like winning the lottery, in the sense of being something that could happen in theory, but it seems pretty unlikely. Tbh it seemed like that before OD too, so I can't even blame that!

Lubey my terse text to C (from memory - I'm not looking at it because the urge to send it at present is too great) was along the lines of how given that he barely sees me and texts me even less, I am clearly nothing more to him than a meaningless convenient shag, however much I might try to delude myself otherwise. We're obviously not dating, he's never going to be my boyfriend so not to bother contacting me again. That kind of thing. But possibly more swearing, it was quite late when I drafted it.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 15:24:07

Oh velvet. I don't blame you for getting a bit narked with C. He does need to start trying to step things up again a bit more, that's for sure. Anything arranged yet for the next date? Do you think you can ahng on to talk in person, or will a version of that text have to make it's way to him?

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 15:26:06

MsCello I would pass on whatever it is I'm exuding if only I knew what the fuck it was, or what the hell is going on! I'll damned well enjoy it while it lasts though that's for sure. None of them are excess yet though, I want them all wink

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 15:30:53

And just precisely what's up with your writing style, Velvet ? I think it's pretty damn good smile .
The thing with being married is that ( and bear in mind this is the view of someone who was in a shite marriage ) - the wedding itself is great, the poncing around in a fancy frock and, lets face it, being The Star of the Show - it's bloody marvellous but that lasts a day and then you're stuck with some entitled knob who has a face like a slapped arse, leaves wet towels on the bed and regards the remote control with almost as much proprietorial pride as he does his own penis. Disclaimer- not all men are like this. In no way should anyone construe that this is a description of the ex Mr Nora, his habits or behaviour and we're not even mentioning the recreational 30 minute bowel movements ( but it is )

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 16:12:06

Actually feeling a load better. Went to the grave which was awful, hate going and won't go again until my mum forces me. Cried on my mum. Came home, had lunch, lay down, ds came in for a snuggle and fell asleep with me and I just lay hugging him, reminded me what's important and what's not.

So, I'm realising that I'm at the stage where I'm getting to know LM pretty well warts and all. Everyone has their limitations and bad points and some of his are becoming more apparent now (as are mine, probably). But, and this is a big but, both of us have been having a bad time of it lately. When things started getting difficult last year with his health problems, I said to myself that I wanted to get all the shit out of the way (hospital, dad stuff, shop) and see how we go under normal circumstances. The shop should be open in the next week or so and he'll be working again properly which should make a huge difference to him. I want to see what happens then and how he is with at least some of the stress taken off his shoulders. It's only a couple if weeks to wait so not like I'm hanging on forever. There's still the health issue though. I don't want to make excuses for crappy behaviour, but he has had some rotten luck over the last year. There is more going on than I can post about on here as well, which is also major stuff. I'm actually surprised he's kept things going as well as he has done.

I'm not impressed by what he's done and he knows that. I'm pleased I stuck up for myself and said that to him and that he admitted I was right. That's a real step in the right direction for me. I also want to talk to him about this stuff but at the right time face to face.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 16:30:41

There is no excuse at all for him not making it up to you though OWW. Has he even apologised yet? It's all very well saying you were right but he let you down really badly and behaved like a total arse. And again it's back to coming over for a hug not exactly being climbing everest or something awfully draining, or anything like that, it's not an emotionally taxing thing is it? it's mutually beneficial.

Don't let him off scot free... by all means bide your time a bit but if when you talk about it some serious apologies and love are not forthcoming, then I wouldn't keep giving him any of my time or concern. You did spectacularly well with the text, and standing up for yourself but you must insist on decent treatment. No apology and no making it up are not decent treatment.

You need more from him and he needs to sort himself out. He's a grown man and there is no excuse at all. We all have awful shite and stress in our lives at times but even at my lowest I've never let anyone down that badly and then furthermore not apologised etc etc.

I think you guys need some time for a decent chat. Preferably on a weekend away where you find flowers in your 5 star room waiting for you with a 'sorry' card wink

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 16:34:31

I'm really glad you feel better OWW. I reckon one of the hardest aspects of being involved in a new 'serious' relationship is deciding upon your limits, in a bad relationship (and this may be just my own experience) you make incremental concessions, always trying to keep the peace, make things run smoothly, keep him happy, until you lose any sense of yourself.

I think you did the precisely the right thing in letting him know that treating you with such disregard is unacceptable, he seems like such a good man that hopefully he will be appalled at letting you down and the prospect of losing you.
( I don't much care for his friend though )

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 16:39:20

What Kin said.

I don't much care for his friend either and in fact am very suspicious the poor treatment of you may be linked to her.

Western and if he could add 'I'm so sorry for messing you about and behaving like a twat when you are a Goddess', that would help grin. Good today is going to turn out ok after all.

Velvet Bridezilla defo. You otoh, have just met the wrong men and Cuthbert needs to get his arse into gear too. Some man, a good one will recognise your true worth.

Snape can I organise the wedding, I will turn into Monica from Friends and want her headset mike to get everyone in place on time.

Yes, I am also metaphorically stabbing the friend. I don't like her and tbh would be really pissed off that he is doing her favours when he is too stressed or whatever to pick the phone up unless I've got that wrong but I don't really care because I just don't like her at all.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 16:50:48

No, I don't care for his friend at all Nora. I think she has a bit of a thing for him but he is literally old enough to be her father, ewww. This isn't my usual type of comment so do forgive me but I'm nearly fifteen years older than she is, look fifty times better and judging from FB have a hundred times her wit and knowledge. I'm not worried about him liking her but she's a sly one. She posts a load of FB statuses every bloody hour about what shes doing with LM and I have the feeling it's all aimed at me. Dont care though - it's so childish. It's all kind of "At Tesco with LM" shit. This is all recent stuff since i told her I was seeing him. But he has told her about me now, bet that was an interesting conversation.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 16:58:52

Ha Juliette that made me laugh. And Lubey with the hotel room. I wish!

I am not going to let him off, I'm really not. I don't want him to think he can do this sort of thing and it's okay because it really isn't. I know what you mean Nora about it being a slippery slope and I'm not having it. But on the other hand, there's a lot of good in this man.

There's no reason now for his friend to come and stay, so if she reappears in the near future words will be had. I've not said anything so far but I will ...

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 17:00:23

Yes,yes,yes 'sly' is just the word . I would not trust her as far as I could throw her. I feel slightly bad about my visceral dislike of her, considering I've never met the woman but I can't help it ( I'm also relieved that other people feel the same way, I wrote a comment about her behaviour last night and then deleted it as I thought it might upset you still further )

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 17:04:31

( and I'm still laughing at the thought of Juliette as Snape's Monica-esque wedding planner )

I'm nearly fifteen years older than she is, look fifty times better and judging from FB have a hundred times her wit and knowledge. Oh YES!

Kin I used to be a Projects Manager, sometimes I miss it. Be afraid hmm grin

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 17:12:25

If she comes back I'm going to say we should do something all together. Should be interesting!

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 17:14:15

Ha Juliette I am a Senior PM too. Be VERY afraid.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 17:15:10

Ok, see what I think OWW is yes she does have a thing for him, and that due to generally being depressed and kind of beaten, he isn't rejecting her as much as he ought to be.

I think he might be in a situation with her that he isn't quite sure how to extricate himself from.

Don't put it past these lesser beings, and don't think there isn't anything attractive about her - men always affair 'down' (if they are the straying type that is, not all men, just for clarity!)

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 17:22:50

I really, really don't think he's doing anything with her, I honestly don't. But I do think she would if she could but she can't. I think he may be aware of her "affection" and has got himself in an awkward situation that way, but nothing more.

There really isn't anything attractive about her that I can see and LM gets quite irritated with her. I think she railroads him into things though and he goes along with it because he promised his best friend her dad that he'd keep an eye on her for him.

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 17:23:07

So, basically, if I find some lucky,lucky man to be the second Mr N, I can draft both of you in, Juliette and OWW, as wedding planners ? Mmmmmm, imagine the organisation...

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 17:23:14

I'm laughing at juliette geller as well. 'Release the doves RELEASE THE DOOOVES!!!'

I would have the most low key wedding ever, me.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 17:24:41

Yeah that's it OWW. I could tell there was some kind of unexplainable hold over him there. How bloody annoying!

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 17:25:28

I have no doubt that in whatever way, or maybe several, she's adding to his stress as well. Whatever the feck is going on, she's proper bad news.

Snape low key wedding? That's what you think grin

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 17:29:32

I would never have a wedding ever. Managed to avoid it for forty odd years so I'm doing well. Can't think of anything more hellish than Velvet's friend's type of do.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 17:30:27

So maybe I'd actually be a shite wedding planner. Stick with juliette, that's my advice.

I don't think he's doing anything with her either. She is just a very annoying, added pest.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 17:37:17

Yep, and she even has an annoying voice. But he'll never get rid of her because of his obligation to her. She does stress him because she is very demanding and pesters him a lot. I think she'll settle down when she finds a new man and gets used to living on her own. I hope! But I am going to say let's meet. Would have done it this weekend if it hadn't have been this particular weekend. Dies that sound like a good plan?

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 17:44:14

Yes, good grief hope she finds someone soon.

and I reckon yes to meeting her as well.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 18:00:34

Yes, she'll just be so awed by my overall stunning amazingness that she'll pack her bags and head for home.

It does comfort me that she lives a long way away and very soon LM won't have a lot of free weekdays and Saturdays as he'll be slaving away in his shop. So much less fun to hang out with.

I'm feeling really good at the moment. Calm and, yes, happy. All will most definitely be well.

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 18:06:03

Western, so glad you're feeling a little better. I also understand the thing about wanting to wait til things are on a more even keel, but also agree with what everyone else has said. I'd trust the friend about as far as I could throw her. Hence you should definitely suggest meeting up.

I had a bit of a cry, a sleep and am still a bit fed up. No idea when I'm seeing C next, I text him on thurs and no reply so far. But I know he won't see me in the week because he has to get up too early, and he's away next weekend, which means I won't see him til the fri after next. I will try and bite my tongue til then and not send the text...

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 18:12:56

Oh Velvet this is such a difficult situation to be in. I really don't know how you cope. I don't understand why he can't see you for an hour or so one weekday, even if he has to be up early the next day. I get up around 6 (in theory) in the week and still manage to go out sometimes. Maybe you should send a modified text ie that you'd like to see more of him -what can he suggest?

Hope you can work something out and soon.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 18:16:17

Week night, even.

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 18:18:02

velvet I'd send a form of words of the text. Stuff this always waiting. It's not better than nothing. You could be doing this for mo this without any progress.

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 18:21:17

Mo this = months...

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 18:28:11

I would text him too and say you are feeling a bit fed up and would like to hear from him more, and try and work out another way to spend some time together when you can't do a Friday all nighter.

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 18:30:57

C can't get up at 6, he struggles to be up by 8, and he needs to be up before then if he stays here. On a weeknight (always assuming I can persuade the evil ex to have the DC that is)

If I sent him that text I expect I'd never hear from him again. I hope at least face to face there might be some discussion. If I send it I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face - because it's not like the alternatives are so great , skype bloke from school. Or going back to POF and another 3 years of first dates and no sex.

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 18:32:18

I meant the text I drafted.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 18:36:07

The draft text doesn't sounds a good option for right now. I'd veer away from terse just to ask for more contact and a way to spend just a bit more time together.

Reserve the going crazy one for if he lets you down on that, which I don't see why he would given that he did agree you needed to see each other more that time.

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 18:36:25

Lubey, I'll see what he comes back with as my last text basically said when am I seeing him next. If as I suspect he says fri after next, or I don't hear anything for a few more days, I will send something along the lines you suggest and I think that will produce better results than mine!

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 18:39:15

Another one saying you should text him, Velvet, things need to go a little more the way that suits you, and a little less the way the are at the moment, which seems to be all about what suits him.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 18:41:46

Ok velvet long as you can handle the waiting. Given how many dates you've had though, I don't see anything wrong or faux pas in letting him know the lack of contact is bothering you and to ask for more along the lines of what I said above. [hug]

splishsplosh Sat 02-Mar-13 18:55:41

Velvet - did you say C lives nearby? If so, can't he just pop in for a short time in the evening now and again, even if he doesn't stay overnight? Just so you get to spend a bit more time together and build on what you've got so far.

I had my first ever no show today - he rang me about 5 minsutes after we were meant to meet and asked me if I was there, and that he had to rush back hime for some kind of emergency hmm - he has mailed me on POF to tell me he will make it up to me next time. I think not!

I met someone else instead - he seems nice enough, but sadly dull, and told me far more than I ever wanted to know about his job and his cold that had him "in a bad way" most of the week. He's been texting lots since but am not sure if it's worth meeting again.

Oh and I have received an email on POF from a man who has put his job down as self employed criminal!!! He says he's had a rough life but is not that bad a man.... I'm finding it hard to resist smile

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 19:51:29

Ooh no. Don't send the snippy txt you'd like to send! What lubey said. smile

Nameless is making me a mix tape. <swoon>

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 19:53:22

A mix tape shock

he is SO totally your boyfriend.

grin

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 19:56:06

splishsplosh what a shame about your no show, that's crap. Don't blame you not giving another chance.

I've decided I've got so much going on in RL at the moment it's really stupid to be on PoF. So hiding my profile again

Still no reply from Mr iPhone about when we can have another date.

I do not understand him at all... buy me a pressie, be dead chuffed that I'm interested when I pounced... then... nowt. I think this is a record for his slow replies so far.

Snapespeare Sat 02-Mar-13 20:10:48

He just told me it contains 15gb of 'noodly-jazz' hmm

I replied ' I could go off of you, you know, tardis boy <licks>'

He's totally my bf. he's in denial. grin

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 20:12:13

grin

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 20:13:33

Lubey we've just watched the cats four times!

No idea what mr iPhone is up to but I bet he pops up again soon. He is under the Lubey spell and cannot resist.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 20:14:36

Snape it's luuuuuuurve

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 20:23:11

OWW yay for the cats!

and haha at the Lubey spell, oh I wish...

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 20:29:50

Well LM has phoned again to see if I'm okay. Have said I'll probably see him tomorrow.

(Btw he is not impressed with his friend at the moment. Quelle dommage).

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 20:34:34

splish, C does live really near me. My DC are always here in the week though, so the only way he could pop round is if I have asked the Ex to have the DC (which means them being there overnight), and I can't ask him to do that too often. So a bit tricky.

Sorry about your no-show, I think you're entirely right not to give him another chance. I'm always in two minds when they cancel beforehand at short notice, but to cancel there and then is pretty poor form.

I'm going to have to text C though. He has til Monday to reply of his own accord to my last text, then I have to send something (though not the mean text, I will be nice, along the lines suggested). I am rather starting to suspect I do mean sod all to him, other than being convenient, which is not a particularly cheery thought.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 20:41:59

Velvet -do you have anyone who could "babysit" for a couple of hours? Friend, neighbour, friend/neighbour's teenager (latter is probably the best value)? I couldn't manage without a network of sitters. I have a pair of twin boys and a girl from a different family all off my street, plus another woman a bit older, plus my mum for emergency use only.

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 20:46:12

Velvet or just go out. cinema, cafe, pub, park, gallery anything... anything at all. Just to have some time together, couple of hours, just to tide you over til the next overnighter.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 20:59:19

Yes sorry Velvet, yours are a bit older aren't they? If you're happy to leave them for an hour or two, just get out with C, doesn't matter where you go, and he can be home and in bed by eleven! I know it's not as good as a proper all nighter, but tbh I rarely get those and it seems to work out okay. You'll find a way!

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:28:52

Yes the DC are both in secondary school so old enough to be left safely at home for an evening. I will suggest to C that we don't have to do something which involved an overnight. Of course that would be preferable, but seeing him for a few hours is better than not seeing him at all.

Well, assuming he feels the same way of course! which I am becoming a bit sceptical about

lubeybooby Sat 02-Mar-13 21:35:36

me and BC used to do that sometimes when we didn't have much time/energy or it was just impossible to have the whole night.

He would stop off on his way to wherever he was going just for a couple of hours at the pub or at costa which is open til 8pm here. It's a good way to keep you going, keeps up the closeness and communication in between all nighters.

Hope he goes for it velvet, he possibly just hasn't thought that dates don't have to be weekend or all night.

I remember BC being a bit 'oh yeah! duh!' when I first suggested he just stop off for an hour or two.

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 22:04:21

Hmmmmmmmm

Have recently been joshing Mr Software, who is looking for a house to rent with another single dad that it 'sounded a little Men Behaving Badly', email tonight from him saying that if it is, then he ' probably need(s) a sharp-tongued girlfriend who works in the nhs '

Big no need, Mr S, no need at all.

OhWesternWind Sat 02-Mar-13 22:15:05

When is the painting to be unveiled, Nora?

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 22:21:17

He's given it a 'few extra finishing touches' shock and because it's an oil painting it will take a couple of weeks to dry.

ike1 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:09:02

He wants to get the enigmatic smile of the' fallen madonna with the big boobies' just right...Kin

ike1 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:10:36

Looks like Mr Rave is keen for a date....another bloody Scorpio...sigh. They are always too much for me Scorps...always trying to control everything...

KinNora Sat 02-Mar-13 23:14:22

Unwittingly, Ike, you have just described me to a 'T'.

Never been out with a Scorpio, I always seen to get December men, I always imagine they'd be dead moody and intense.

ike1 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:20:14

Yes it wasnt unwitting though Kin...

Yes they are and they seem to love me for some reason...I think they like the challenge because I am a bit detatched and then its all hot n cold. Also sex obsessed. TR was a scorp....the guy on OKC who sends me long messages irratically is a Scorp...one if my best mates who I had a big fall out with...Scorp....friend in col who has a crush on me....Scorp (she's female I dont 'do' females)....sigh, Always stinging me with their little curly tails they are....

ike1 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:22:34

My daughters a Scorp....her best mates a Scorp.....

ike1 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:23:41

Though the above 2 dont fancy me and are not sex obsessed.....

VelvetSpoon Sat 02-Mar-13 23:31:06

My first almost boyfriend (we never really went out because he was too young for me but he chased me on and off for 2 years) was a Scorpio. Never attracted one since.

I just end up with moody self-pitying Pisceans, Capricorns who just want to control me, or over sensitive Cancerians.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:00:42

You've got me bang to rights, Ike. You and your Scorpio attractant ways.

The only male Scorpio I've ever known was the bloke who was best man at my wedding, one of those extraordinarily clever people who has no common sense whatsoever.

What's Cuthbert, Velvet ?

smoothieooo Sun 03-Mar-13 00:06:32

I've never been 'close' to a Scorpio. Mainly Gemini or Aries geezers (I'm Aries).

Just had a lovely hour browsing POF (at one point with my DC pointing and laughing over my shoulder). I feel for the guy looking for a 'nice descent, mature lady'. Oh it's a descent my friend, but not particularly nice... grin

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 00:08:51

oh i dunno...i am ahem a 'mature' lady ....and descending on me is ALWAYS nice....

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 00:11:02

Kin, Cancerian I think. Sure I remember something about his birthday being in July, and he's a v unlikely Leo!

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 00:16:06

Smoothie, I love the 'with DC pointing and laughing over my shoulder' smile

I'm a Taurean.

Just realised I've only ever been interested in 2 Taurean men, both of whom were allegedly my friends despite clearly (to me and most other people anyway) fancying me and then denying it when asked hmm

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:20:18

Special Aries high five to Smoothie.

Talking of 'descent' I'm sure I must have told you about the message I received from the man who assured me that he liked to play 'poo sticks'.

No, Velvet, from what you've said, Old Cuthy doesn't sound very leonine. I don't think I've even been so much as friends with a cancerian.

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 00:22:43

LM is a Leo but on the cusp ... My dad was too though I don't think either of them are "typical". Whatever that is!

Ike how are you surviving surrounded by all those scorps with their tricky little tails? Don't they have pincers as well? I saw a horror film about scorpions when I was much younger and it scared the bejesus out of me.

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 00:26:16

One of my uncles is Cancer. He is quite camp although definitely straight. quite whiny and whingey. Nice bloke otherwise though who will do anything for anyone

My ex was a Taurus and was a nightmare though I put that down to paranoia from past drug use plus possible aspergers type issues, combined, rather than taurean-ness. Though maybe that contributed to him being the type to get stuck in his ways, job and routine and never do anything different... to fear different, even. MAJOR clash point with us, me as the airy and free Gemini, bored easily... more of a risk taker... etc.

I tend to attract the fire signs.

Why am I even talking about this? I do not do astrology woo. [slaps self]

smoothieooo Sun 03-Mar-13 00:28:38

Kin please tell me poo sticks as in the lovely innocent game involving flowing water and a bridge. Pleeeease. I know it ends badly though....

smoothieooo Sun 03-Mar-13 00:33:46

I don't really do astrology either Lubey but occasionally read the stars to check whether disease and pestilence might rain down upon my ex, therefore ensuring a splendid day for me!

I have definitely had too much wine to have briefly emerged from lurkdom where I belong

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 00:35:01

Kin grin no, C isn't Leonine in the slightest.

DS1 is a Leo and has the fiery temper to match his mane!

My lovely Ex was Cancer. Hence the poetry writing and tears. Not whingy but deffo v v sensitive.

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 00:36:12

I am not woo in the slightest...my astrology thing waxes and wanes, I don't take it terribly seriously only the bits that suit my thinking smile

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:38:45

I assumed he meant Poohsticks, particularly as he liked doing it on woodland walks but one can never be too careful...

Nah, astrology's bollocks, innit, us Arians have a very low threshold for that kind of rubbish.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:40:21

(I do like the bits that say I'm all tempestuous, loyal and passionate though )

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 00:40:28

I used to take it all really seriously in my teens, I laugh at my DD now who is just like I was with it. Bless her!

I would like it to hurry up and be the 9th now please.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:43:27

Ahh, Lubey, is that when you're sexy-timing seeing BC ?

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 00:45:12

That's when I'm sexy-timing having dinner with Mr S, the scottish 24 yr old.

On my way back on the 12th/13th I'll be stopping over to sexy-time have dinner with BC

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:47:28

I don't think any of my lot have ever mentioned their star signs ( 2 Geminis & a Leo ). I did have a book about sun signs by Linda someone in my late teens early twenties which I liked because it made Ariens sound very sexy and interesting, but then I am extremely shallow

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 00:48:07

Lubey, if I had a hat on, I'd be taking it off to you right now

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 00:51:59

I love astrology. Did you know it's been statistically proven that over 65 percent of Water sign people have a scar on at least one knee?

Fascinating stuff

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 00:55:06

Kin was it you who got the child sized fushia hat earlier for snapes wedding? Take that one off wink

But anyway oh yes. I am very much looking forward to my trip. Much more now than before the Mr S date was arranged and BC landed back in blighty.

smoothieooo Sun 03-Mar-13 00:59:03

I have a Virgo and a Pisces. Two exact opposites, which explains why this is not always the most harmonious of households <sigh>

smoothieooo Sun 03-Mar-13 01:04:41

I have a scar (from separate incidents) on each knee Bant ... not a water sign, just a clumsy fucker.

mercury7 Sun 03-Mar-13 01:04:50

Bant I take it the punch line is that 65% of all people have a scar on at least one knee? wink

looks to me as if about 80% of people who profess to think that astrology is tosh then go on to explain much of their lives in terms of it confused

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 01:08:09

Chinney-reckon that Bant loves astrology.

Lubey, yes, I believe I was going to wear one to Snape's nuptials. I'm so glad that you've got something good to look forward to, you deserve it.

Smoothie, I know, it gets very wearing

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 01:10:33

Haha mercury I just did that. But like I say I was heavily into it as a teen so I still remember it all. These days though I just think it's like supposed clairvoyants that use phrases like 'you have a strong female figure in your life' because everyone does. That kinda thing. All very Derren Brown.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 01:12:28

Mercury, I think the thing is that most people generally find themselves endlessly fascinating. I've never met anyone who took it really seriously, even my more credulous relatives.

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 01:15:10

Thanks Kin. I'm glad too!

Oh and I had a reply from Mr iPhone

A very, very annoying one, it said he would definitely love to meet again, yes please.

Lovely BUT the text I sent had asked WHEN, not IF!!!

So now I have the rigmarole of waiting another eleventy hundred years for his reply to my reply which was along the lines of "...yes.... great! when?"

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 01:15:28

Anyway, I have the same personality type as Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Mahatma Ghandhi so I'm above all that kind of shizzle ...

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 01:16:29

Bloody hell, Lubey, how infuriating. Is he always like that ?

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 01:18:50

And I have the same personality type as Paul McCartney apparently <stabs self>

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 01:19:38

Kin he's always shit with replying, taking ages to reply, but that's the first time he has appeared to either misread or dodge the question.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 01:24:05

<thumbs aloft> Lubey !

You see that would just annoy me ( not having the same personality type as Macca, though I wouldn't be best pleased ) - it must be hard to work out what his game is

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 01:27:02

He seems really keen with his answers and the pressie sending thing but he is very wtf? when it comes to texts.

He did say he had a lot on his plate recently and that's what the apology and pressie was all about but I am keen to get things moving again with him now he knows I like him (pounce text)

Oh well, whatever anyway. I have plenty to keep me occupied in the meantime.

McBuckers Sun 03-Mar-13 08:02:37

Hurrah - the nice man I thought I'd manage to completely scare off by telling him the ages of my kids, has asked to meet me!!!!

Any tips for first dates, I've not had one for 11 years!

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 08:07:53

Ike laughs at Bant's typically 'detatched', 'logical' Aquarian male response.....

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 09:48:32

McB my top tips are: don't get too excited, have some alcohol but not too much, don't fret about what to wear, treat it as going to see a friend rather than potentially the start of a new relationship.

When are you meeting him?

McBuckers Sun 03-Mar-13 10:16:30

Thanks OWW.

Am already completely failing on your first point! He's gorgeous, has two daughters, does charity work and has a job which suggests he should be quite intelligent.

What's the best place to go? Is a restaurant too formal?

We're texting at the moment to sort out which day this week.

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 10:28:46

I think I'd suggest a quiet drink, which can turn into dinner or more drinks if you get on, but can also be easy to leave if he's awful. You are trapped for the duration if it's dinner!

I hope so much that he turns out to be wonderful and you have a spark, but this doesn't always happen and it's all the more disappointing when you've got your hopes up beforehand. He does sound nice, though!

McBuckers Sun 03-Mar-13 10:38:33

Thanks OWW - good point about dinner I hadn't thought of that!

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 10:49:09

I agree entirely with the advice about dinner and not getting too excited in advance. People are not always as they present themselves online and the reality can be disappointing!

Western how are you feeling today? Hope you managed a decent sleep and have some nice things planned smile

I still (predictably) haven't heard from C. Not feeling quite so negative about it today but still not entirely happy.

Lubey, anything fron mr iphone?

Scrazy Sun 03-Mar-13 11:07:02

Agree, don't plan anything grand for a first meeting. I've had first dates where drinking a cup of coffee was too long grin.

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 11:15:43

I think the meet for coffee in a place which does booze and food is best, gives you more options. Make sure it's clear that coffee is the default though. If you both like each other you can just stay longer. If he's into you and it's not reciprocated you can just blame babysitter.

Just don't do something sterile like a Starbucks, it sucks all possible romance out of it

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 11:21:01

Morning Velvet I'm feeling really good today. Everything has felt fine since yesterday afternoon, all the sadness and low feelings have just gone. Amazing. I am even feeling up for having That Conversation with LM tonight (if he can get a babysitter). He is trying, he normally doesn't come out when he has his children over.

I hope so much that Cuthbert sorts it out and contacts you today. I really don't want to bombard you with advice or for you to feel pressurised, but as someone on here said to me recently, remember what you want is just as important as what he wants.

And Lubey hope that Mr iPhone sorts it out too. Ironic name for him given his slow communication!

Snape, how's your boyfriend today? smile

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 11:59:50

Glad to hear you're feeling much better Western smile

I doubt C will contact me today. I suspect I won't hear anything tomorrow either. If I send another one then, I might get a reply by Thurs. I'd be happy to be proved wrong, but that's what I predict.

And I do know what I want is important. But I'm just lacking the opportunity to say it. I don't even really know what he wants.

KirstyWirsty Sun 03-Mar-13 12:04:07

Marking my spot .. On my way home from girls Brighton weekend and head too fuzzy to keep up .. Will recap later

Snapespeare Sun 03-Mar-13 12:17:17

Likewise glad to hear that your mood is improved oww smile

I don't have a boyfriend.... grin he will not be my boyfriend until he voluntarily and without prompt refers to himself as such but we all know he is wink
No word yet today, he as a really strange sleep pattern and won't be up and about until now-ish. It's 'his turn' at scrabble, so I guess he'll surface then. If not, I seem to be past fretting about it, at last for the time being... So that's good.

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 12:39:58

OWW yeah, you would think that given his taste for gadgets and technology, he might actually like to use them? But no! arrghhh

Velvet nope still nothing... I reckon he has too much going on and wants to dodge the 'when' question. But why not just say so?

Ah well like I say I have plenty else keeping me occupied so... whatever smile

McBuckers - listen to Bant about the first dat and keeping it to coffee somewhere nearby more options...

You might be one of the lucky ones who hits it off straight away and it's all fine, but when you're new to OD you are severely risking a first date shock and being stuck with someone awful for an hour or more which will feel like a lifetime... so just make sure you have covered the possibility and can leg it easily however convinced you are that it won't happen! wink

Re: the whole 'meet for coffee' type date. What if one of you is travelling some distance? If you both live reasonably close, a coffee date sounds fine, but if you were travelling further afield it seems a helluva effort for just a coffee? I suppose the idea is you should both keep the 'after time' free in case you want to extend into a meal or something if you really hit it off?

Obviously my dating experience is limited but in both my OD cases I offered dinner and in both cases, very nice and enjoyable four-hour dates resulted.

PS This afternoon I am trying to make a lemon roly poly.

mercury7 Sun 03-Mar-13 13:05:41

thats why i'll only meet someone if they live quite close Voice!

mercury7 Sun 03-Mar-13 13:07:48

i really couldnt tolerate 4 hours with someone id only just met!!

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 13:22:47

Voice even if one of you is or both are travelling a long way, it would still be awful to be stuck in a bad date. The internet hides so much.

Cameras do lie, and what you think is a funny personality quirk can turn out to be how that person is, every second of the day. Like one guy I met used to act stupid. It made me laugh. It turned out he actually was stupid and it wasn't a comedy act. Or they might be a letch, have a grating voice or laugh, or have terrible teeth/no teeth, or be eight stone more than you thought, and because they took overhead pics, you can't tell.

Or they might have a complete personality change and begin wanking into a small green plastic bag while wailing 'I'm so vulnerable' then proceed to stalk you for a year (and that was a third date, but hey, might happen on someones first... fucking hope not though)

If there was a lot of distance involved I'd maybe relent on my rule just a tiny bit and say two hours rather than one. That could be just about bearable if it was bad.

I see the first date though as just verifying you are both roughly who you say you are and whether you have teeth or not, and if you take an instant, unexplainable dislike to one another or not. It's not really a proper date when you think of it like that, it's replacing the real life meeting in person that OD takes away.

McBuckers Sun 03-Mar-13 13:50:18

OMG Lubey!!!

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 14:06:17

' wanking into a green plastic bag while wailing 'I'm so vulnerable' ' OMG, he's dreamy

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 14:09:35

Kin yeah and he was met police as well. Siiigh. Thankfully in the distant past now...

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 14:18:26

I have known quite a few people who married dibble - doesn't seem to have a high success rate.

( I hope he wasn't a firearms officer )

Scrazy Sun 03-Mar-13 14:22:43

I wouldn't want to meet anyone who lived that far away either, sounds like hard work and if you do hit it off then it's going to be long distance which isn't easy, so why bother.

Lubey where did the wanking occur, was this is a cafe? did he hold the bag with one hand and wank with the other or was it more covert? <fascinated>

MsB I bet you can't wait now grin

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 14:48:19

Juliette It was in his car. we stopped off for a snog, he got a bit er... carried away. Even my 'wtf???' face didn't put him off. Then he lobbed the bag out the window, dropped me off home and wondered why I didn't want to see him again!

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Mar-13 14:50:47

One of my Exs was a (former) armed response officer, but not at all the typical police type, which from my experience tends to consist of appalling misogynists, and indiscriminate shaggers.

Am reminded at this point of the one I went on a date with last year, who was oh so charming right up to the point that after kissing me he commented that I was 'very good with my mouth' and how much he hoped to put that to use elsewhere... hmm.

Lubey goodness, what some people think is ok never ceases to amaze me. He actually had a bag ready shock

Funny enough all those posters advising women not to get in cars with strangers never actually mention watching out for a ziplock grin

merc/scrazy - I tend to agree with you, I have always avoided anything that could be described as 'distance', I like some spontaneity and not just having to write off every weekend to travelling back and forth, but when I get back off the sofa again I don't think I'll have the option.

Added to which, I don't like coffee anyway (of the small 'c' variety), so would much rather have a meal.

ChooChooLaverne Sun 03-Mar-13 15:12:34

Lubey I'm surprised you ever met anyone OD again after that experience shock

McB I'd say to remember that your first date is to suss out whether he's good enough to merit spending time in your company. I went on my first date in 11 years last week and it was lovely, so fingers crossed you have a better experience than lubey!

I was meant to go on date 1.5 on Friday but I was confined to my sick bed so had to cancel. I'm meeting him for date 2 next week but my babysitter has just cancelled on me and I really want to see him so am going to have to phone around and see if someone can do it. I can't wait to see him again, I feel like I'm about 13 blush

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 15:31:58

ChooChoo it's a lovely feeling, enjoy it. Hope you can get a babysitter by hook or by crook.

Must confess that I'm looking forward to seeing LM tonight blush

ChooChooLaverne Sun 03-Mar-13 15:41:42

Oh good OWW, I'm glad you are speaking to him! I hope you have a nice time and I hope he's suitably apologetic. Does LM stand for lovely man by the way? I'll have to rename mine if so!

I know, I never expected to feel like this about someone, let alone someone I met OD and I have only met him once blush

I am trying to be sensible about it but he keeps sending me lovely, witty, interesting messages and it's hard to not kind of get swept along. Have got another babysitter lined up, so it'll be all systems go on Tuesday. He won't know what's hit him!

EternalRose Sun 03-Mar-13 15:59:48

Lubey - Green bag incident cracked me up (even though it shouldn't)...what a wierdo.

I hope you are all well, I am still reading but lurking more recently as got lots of things going on but thinking of you all!

I have the cooking fever, so it's Full Sunday Roast with homemade chocolate cake for dessert. Absolutely knackered today though as munchkin decided to keep me awake with her singing really loudly at 3am......'chicken and chips' was the song. Do any of you know it? hmm

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 16:13:53

Great stuff ChooChoo! It's lovely (and amazing) that you met someone like this first time. Where are you going next week?

Yes, he was good yesterday and has sorted out a babysitter for tonight which is unheard of, we don't tend to go out when he has his children staying. So I think he's really trying. Yes that's what it stands for, so unimaginative but never mind! Might have to rename him after tonight anyway. I do want to sort things out with him but equally I need him to treat me properly. Wish me luck.

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 16:15:16

Good luck OWW I hope you have a great time and that he retains his title

Snapespeare Sun 03-Mar-13 16:17:20

Just when I successfully manage to forget about green-wank-bag-guy...he crops up again... hmm

oww I really really hope it goes well tonight. smile

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 16:28:07

Oh yes, OWW, shedloads of luck for tonight, I hope he proves himself as the decent man he usually sounds.

ChooChooLaverne Sun 03-Mar-13 16:28:33

Good luck OWW - I hope he's suitably contrite and you have a lovely evening.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 16:31:32

How lovely and lucky, ChooChoo, I hope the hours fly by to your next meeting.

Rose, wish I was coming for tea at yours ( although I have made shortbread and a Victoria sponge this afternoon )

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 16:39:08

That's the thing -I really think he is a good, decent man and I'm hoping this is a blip. He doesn't deal with stress very well but I can understand why. He's had a huge amount of stress over the last year, pretty much everything in his life has been turned upside down. As some of you know, I'm about a year ahead if him on this, my life is unrecognisable now from how it was a couple of years ago, and I know that at times I've not coped or behaved particularly well. So although this probably sounds like I'm giving him an out, I'm not, not really, just coming from a position where I know how stress can drive you to behave in an unthinking and crap way, though not with the intention of being hurtful. I hope he's going to have a conversation with me about it, but if not I'll have it with him. I'm not being a doormat for anyone.

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 16:40:41

Oh all you wonderful cooks! Am ashamed to say we're only having scrambled eggs for tea. (No appetite).

Lunch with Rose, tea with Kin then going on to check out the lemon roly poly with Voice. How did it turn out? I tried to make a jam roly poly once and it was not pretty.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 16:58:08

I suspect if I attempted to make a jam roly poly it would look like an industrial accident in a factory which has a blatant disregard for health and safety legislation.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 17:01:52

(OWW, I do think it's a blip with him, I think he might have allowed himself to be overwhelmed and lost sight of what should have been his priority -you, but I have been accused of being 'too reasonable' in the past so I'm not too sure how much notice you should take. Whatever, I have my fingers crossed for you thanks )

Jules - pleased to report that unlike recent lemon drizzle, lemon roly poly great success. Yum, yum, yum. We'll be having more of this quite often round at Chez Voice.

In other news, I had a message on POF which I thought odd as I'd hidden my profile. Turns out I hadn't. Message was an invite for some singles event and I'd been invited because "you are 10km away from where it's being held". Rubbish. It's 85km away. POF needs to get their distance thingy sorted. It says I can stop getting party invites by adjusting my mail settings but can't see where.

lubeybooby Sun 03-Mar-13 17:04:57

it's at the bottom of the mail settings page voice, the one where you set distance and who can mail you etc and if you want to exclude the ones that do drugs or are married etc etc

Voice Yay for lemon roly poly! I'm vair impressed and you absolutely must share <hopeful> grin

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 17:09:23

Are you having it with custard, Voice? Have you done it with lemon curd instead of jam? Sounds lovely.

Kin nowt wrong with reasonable. It's better than the alternative ...

mercury7 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:10:04

apparently I look 'sexi' hmm
he actually said 'u look sexi' angry
when someone says 'u' instead of 'you' in my head I hear 'oo' ...like some sort of irritating baby talk angry

why write sexi instead of sexy, it's just freaking annoying angry

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 17:11:55

Btw I think LM's friend has gone home as there has been a conspicuous absence of silly status updates "with LM" today ...

Snapespeare Sun 03-Mar-13 17:14:42

I feel the need to SLAP LMs friend. <twitches>

OWW - yes, lemon curd instead of jam. But custard??? Certainly not. You heathen, even suggesting it. Perfection as it is!! grin

Jules - only a small one as it is a test, but I shall be making one for sharing on Tuesday. Place orders please.

NcNcNcNc Sun 03-Mar-13 17:19:58

OWW - not sure if this is any help or not but my DH was an utter wanker when we first met through OD. Well, not when we first met, he kept it hidden for a few dates to reel me in obviously hmm grin

He had a touch of Bant's famous 'sweet shop' mentality going on, drank too much, lied about some stuff and was basically a selfish twat.

However, his father/grandmother/grandfather had all died in the previous 4 months and a sibling had revealed a horrific secret about being abused as a child by a (much loved by DH) family member sad

He is a different person now. If I'd done as I probably should have and dumped him then I'd have missed out on a lovely, lovely man. One who had totally lost his way through stress and grief and was trying to self destruct. We got through it and he/we had counselling and are now proud parents of 2 dds.

So.... in short, I can see where you're coming from smile

Lubey - tell me more about wank-boy, I'm trying to visualise it.... grin

NcNcNcNc Sun 03-Mar-13 17:21:42

Snape - I don't like her either. I'll hold her down for you.


grin

mercury7 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:26:11

the sweet shop analogy thing..it seems mostly to be applied to men's behavior with OD?
so we have the image of one boy in a sweet shop surrounded by chocolate bars who cant decide which one he wants, picks one up, then puts it down because he see's a tastier looking one.

it would be more accurate, I think, to picture a sweet shop crowded with hungry little boys with no where near enough chocolate to go round

MirandaWest Sun 03-Mar-13 17:27:12

I broke all first dating rules with Mr Nice. He picked me up from my house, we drive about an hour away went walking then to a tea shop then more walking then dinner and first date lasted about 9 hours. They were good hours though smile

OWW hope your evening is good. Am very full of Sunday lunch that me nice, his DS and I had. Currently lazing on his sofa which is good.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 17:32:55

LM's friend is developing quite a fan club here, isn't she ...

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 17:34:41

Thanks Nc yes that does really help. Really glad it ended well for you two. I actually think LM has coped amazingly well considering what's happened to him over the last year or so.

NcNc - I don't think I'd have stuck with someone as you did and I suspect you were rather lucky. He was certainly lucky you stuck with him. There's a difference between sticking with someone you already know well and have been with for some considerable time than putting up with twattish behaviour from someone you've just met. Anyone who has a lot of shit going on probably shouldn't be dating - you want to show off your best side, not your worst.

48howdidthathappen Sun 03-Mar-13 17:42:54

I have recently returned from Mr R&Rs. Great fun was had wink I love staying in bed all day.

I asked him if he would prefer we arrange the next time we see each other in advance, rather than my way by text. He said 'yes'. So seeing him Thursday smile

OWW Hope you get things sorted with LM tonight. Glad you are feeling better.

Waves to rest of thread.

OhWesternWind Sun 03-Mar-13 17:43:04

Oh dear Voice my life seems to be one where there's always a certain amount of shit going on ... If i waited for it all to stop, I'd be on my own for the foreseeable. I think maybe that when you're having a bad time, it's also when you most want someone to be "on your team" so posdibly the Shit Factor even encourages people to get out there and start dating.

OWW - I don't mean that to sound nasty, and obviously different people handle things in different ways, but there is the potential to treat someone really badly which, under normal circumstances, you wouldn't do. Someone who didn't deserve it. And potentially ruin something that could be great. Most of us have some shit or baggage going on, of course, and I do think it depends just how much and how serious it is, but we often hear people say "you need to be in the right place" for dating (OD or otherwise) and I think that's one of the few well-worn cliches that is probably accurate.

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 18:11:12

I think when I made the original analogy it was a sweet trolley, not a sweet shop, but it works exactly the same - you've got a good thing in front of you but the trolley comes past and the other things look just a bit more creamy, a bit more lemony, a bit less/more rich and you can't help but push your current plate away and see if you'd prefer something else.

That's why you should stop winking/mailing people once you've had a good first date - you can always go back to them later.

Since stopping my Match account, 3 weeks ago, I've had 240 views, 18 winks, 12 'favourites' and 8 emails.

But, apparently I have a date with an American med student next weekend. She seems okay - not blazingly funny in the emails, but then so much of that is fake anyway. If nothing else, my first first date in my new country. Let's see how we go.

Anyone else dated Americans enough to say how things are different from the British 'lets get pissed and see if we fancy each other?' approach.

Also chatting to a Romanian, a Yugoslavian (old enough to still call it that) and I just got FB-friended by a really-cute-but-obviously-mad girl who I met at a do the other night.

No Brits though. Not sure if there are any.

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 18:12:56

These are from OKC, incidentally, which I'd set up but never actually used. It is very strange, I can't help reading the answers people have put to their questions.

I will find it very strange meeting someone in person for the first time, and already knowing how they like to keep their pubic hair trimmed.

Just.. odd..

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 18:19:59

< thinks about just how happy I am that I know nothing at all about the pubic hair topiary of any of the men I've spoken to via OD >

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 18:22:30

<thinks about how the fact it was a green plastic bag makes it even funnier, for some reason> Sorry.

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 18:24:10

You can't buy that kind of class

Snapespeare Sun 03-Mar-13 18:32:57

I just played 'gonads' at scrabble with nameless. blush

When I half-awake mumbled that he didn't snore but made a humming noise like a TARDIS while he slept, he asked if that meant if he was bigger on the inside. I replied 'oh, isn't everyone?' I now have Doctor Who to thank for my sex life best lines. This is ridiculous.

Ha Bant that is precisely why I haven't answered any public hair stylee questions, it's like meeting someone in a cafe with a pair of xray specs.

I have dated a few Americans and now restrict it to New Yorkers who have a a lot of wit. I find Americans in general very different (sweeping generalisation alert) the sense of humour seems to be missing, priorities seem to be materialistic and formulaic along the lines of race and religion, I have been told in the past I'm a Communist and almost all men are circumcised so depending on your 'style', you could be a novelty.

Actually, that could work as a chat up line? Hey girl, want to see a hoodie?

Kin yes you can. Handy

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 18:41:48

Juliette - yeah this one describes herself as right-of-centre politically. Seeing as the US is a whole jump to the right of the UK generally, so even their left-fringe Democrats would only be middle-of-the-road here, I think she'd basically be BNP if here.

Which is not really my type.

Still, American women to tend to love my pseudo-RP accent and tendency to say 'buggeration' when annoyed. All I need to do is say I'm descended from royalty and I'm in.

Which is theoretically true. Just not English royalty.

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 18:47:42

Actually this is really kind of fun looking through OKC profiles.

Q: 'What is the first thing people notice about you?'
A: 'My inner peace'

Seriously. What a tosser. Unless someone floats past me in a white glowing robe, a la Bill Bailey in Black Books, I'm probably going to notice their hair colour or clothes, or smile, or whatever, before I make a judgement on how at one with the universe they are.

click hide

FlorentinePogen Sun 03-Mar-13 18:53:57

Anyone else dated Americans enough to say how things are different from the British 'lets get pissed and see if we fancy each other?' approach.

Yep, I did......well, I was kind of press-ganged into it.

She walked up to me in a bar in Germany and said (in English) "Gee, for a German you speak really good English."
"That's because I'm Scottish", I replied.

That was in 1993. We've never looked back.

grin

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 19:08:01

Juliette, that would just be the epitome of classy

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:18:39

Oh dear I have had a bit of a row with a close friend...about a guy she was sleeping with for a bit but not now, supposedly just friends at present(he is married with kids). After many months of just nodding and smiling I told her what I thought of him....she didnt like it

I explained I cannot sit on the fence about these things because of my experience with exH. However I am frankly sickened by the amount of people who cheat on their partners and those that are compliant in that. I wish I could shut up and let in go over my head...but I get to a point where I cannot. I would never want to live my life over again. Ever. Because of the pain caused by exH and the women who enabled him.

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:21:06

I feel I need to find a phrase to stop these conversations ....something along the lines of...'I cant talk about this ...sorry..for these reason'

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 19:27:45

Does changing the subject work with them, Ike ?

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:31:27

I dunno....but I fell out with another close friend who was doing exactly the same thing a year ago. I just feel I invite more upset ...by speaking my mind, it is exhausting emotionally and churns me up...I hate it.

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:33:41

I dont think some people are awar of just how painful it is to have a relationship fail due to this kind of devastating dishonesty. I just am not able to be impartial and yet people seem to think I should be.

Ike I suspect you hit a nerve there then. You are very self aware on here and probably held back more because you wanted to avoid projecting. She knows what happened to you and still brings it up, which at best shows no awareness whatsoever and at worst it's almost drama seeking. Now you've said your piece and she has the drama so she can just deal with it.

<winy voice> 'Sorry, in all honestly you know what can happen so what do you expect me to say? <faux sympathetic head tilt>

whiny - had to look that up grin

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 19:39:40

I think you probably either have to not engage or decide that you're going to change your reaction because nothing is worth you feeling so distressed - it depends how good you are at doing that. ( I try but it's a work in progress ).

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 19:42:31

And I agree with Juliette that your friend should have more sense/consideration/not be such a self-absorbed arse

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:43:11

Well she knows now...and I just hope it hasnt ruined a valued friendship. I am sad at the utter compliance of some women/men in helping others to cheat. As for those who are married with kids and cheat....well....it makes me want to retch and I am not joking.

Of course I understand all the reasons...dear god ...its lonely being a single parent and watching all the happy couples ...but why be knowingly complicit in someone elses potential misery? Cos they just dont fuckin care...that's why! And the bullshit reasons people come out with. ugh...

.I have heared them all over the last few years. One friend even tried to get me to babysit for her so she could go shag the OM. Knowing what I had been through...

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:46:50

Yeah have managed for the best part of a year...but am feeling particularly vulnerable about it at mo and couldnt stop myself....oh bugger. It does go to show just how selfish people are when conducting affairs....selfish and blinkered...total entitlement to do what one pleases....I caouldnt 'help' myself...my last friend used to say. Of course I put her right on that.

(hugs) to Ike

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:53:32

Thanks lovely.There's not much more to be said really...saddening stuff.

McBuckers Sun 03-Mar-13 20:06:36

Sending a hug too Ike. It's crap isn't it.

I hope my husband and his mistress have many years of misery together.

Snapespeare Sun 03-Mar-13 20:06:42

If it's any help at all ike I think you're absolutely right. All that bollocks about 'not being able to help who you fall in love with' [vomit] none of my friends, to my knowledge have become emersed in affairs with the married/LTRers. They may well have been, but thy know better than to tell me they are as I'd go through them.

NcNcNcNc Sun 03-Mar-13 20:10:38

Voice - you're probably right. He definitely wasn't in the right place to date. I think I stuck by him because his good qualities kept shining through (I could write for Mills and Boon hmm ) but then he'd devastate me with some utter shit selfishness and I went through some very dark times.

I was newly separated with a very young dd and I think we both weren't ready to date really. He often says 'I was a total c^^t how did you put up with me, I'm so sorry' etc but it was 6 years ago now so it's (mainly!) forgotten.

Actually though, I could have stuck by him and him then turn out to just be your normal run of the mill wankbadger as opposed to a temporary grief stricken wankbadger, so yes, I was lucky grin

Sweet trolley: he was enjoying the chatting up on OD of a night when we couldn't see each other (I had dd). He saw it as harmless flirting and I think it was a massive ego-boost for him that he perhaps got addicted to? He got so far as arranged dates but cancelled them day before. It was like he had to prove he could 'pull' hmm sad I know.

Flipper924 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:12:19

I think you're friend is particularly insensitive, Ike.

I had a friend who actively encouraged met to pursue a relationship with a married friend who was clearly flirting with me, knowing how against cheating I am (and always have been) and that ex went off with OW. I don't see that friend very often now.

NcNcNcNc Sun 03-Mar-13 20:12:47

Ike - that's shit sad I feel the same as you if its any consolation - people who cheat and the people they cheat with are not welcome in my life.

CastroIsDead Sun 03-Mar-13 20:16:44

date tomorrow. im nervous. worried he won't turn up

KinNora Sun 03-Mar-13 20:22:49

Big hug, Ike, me old iron-knickered mucker

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:23:02

I dont know why two of my closest friends have been involved in
affairs in recent years...at times it just feels like it is just one more peculiar little knife twisting in myside...so I cannot even have the full support of those closest to me.

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 20:29:28

Castro - don't be nervous until you've met him and like him. Before then, it's coffee with a potential friend, or by yourself (worst case)

And if he doesn't turn up for any reason, it's not because of you, it's because he's married or something. It can't be because of you if he hasn't actually met you.

But generally people turn up and you're disappointed. The difference between OD and meeting people in a bar or a party is that when you look through all the people in the bar, you dismiss maybe 90% of them on looks or some other reason (laugh, dress sense, wedding ring, whatever). OD allows you to find out they'd actually be interesting, charming, funny. It's only when you meet you find out whether they're one of the 90% you'd ignore or 10% you'd fancy.

CastroIsDead Sun 03-Mar-13 20:35:46

thanks bant. will be a vodka and coke or 3 on my own if he doesn't show.
its not from od Ive never done that yet. haven't had a proper date for 2years so that might explain the nerves

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 20:40:37

I actually had to go and google to see whether Castro was dead, by the way

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:41:46

Just to say ....I have 2 fab californian mates who are exceedingly witty...might have taken on a British style though...

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 20:46:23

Oh I know lots of Americans, some witty and interesting, some less so. I just wondered if anyone had dated them much.

I don't know if there are such things as 'rules' about dating, but there is etiquette, at least (whether followed or not) - things like men should offer to pay for the first date, generally a man chooses the location of the first date, a man does the follow up call. All of this, of course, can be ignored but generally it's what happens.

I've slept with a few americans, but never really 'dated' them.

I'll have to go watch S&TC or something. She's from New Jersey. I'll assume that's gospel

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:51:00

Oh Bant stop fretting about bloody etiquette....

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 20:57:01

What can I say? I'm generally chivalrous, a gentleman, polite, funny, charming and not too much of a dick. Etiquette comes with the package.

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:59:51

i dont really adhere to that stuff.....possibly we move in different social circles...

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 21:00:54

possibly smile Nice to meet on here though

CastroIsDead Sun 03-Mar-13 21:02:11

i don't think he is dead? its from a song i like.. its metaphorical wink
so 2nd worst case scenario i get a vodka and coke or 3 paid for by him. he's eastern European don't know if the rules will be the same?

Scrazy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:07:17

Bant, From what I've heard Americans date a lot, it's not big deal to them. That's all I know.

Ike, difficult. I would say to any woman who is seeing a married/partnered guy to get some self esteem and find her own man. I know it's not that simple and if they protest that it is written in the stars then she should let him come to her when he is legitimately single again. I would say that you don't want to hear about it as you know how it feels. I think that is enough to get someone thinking, because they will deep down.

Oh my, I've just realised I've only slept with one American but we got drunk at a party and we're still friends 30 years later. Dated quite a few more recently and as far as I know they expect to pay, its dinner, they ask me where then say 'we must do this again' but don't mean it grin

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 21:14:42

Yeah Scrazy ....thing is folk just tell you this stuff and I am at a loss as to what to say....unless you make a stand in the first instance. People take it as carte blanche that you empathise in some way. I dunno I feel really shaken by it all and cried putting the kids to bed. Sometimes it all feels still so unbearably painful.

That's after dinner of course...

Scrazy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:41:19

Ike, it will get easier with time. I've been there a long time ago and I was the same. Nowadays it wouldn't affect me as much but I would dish out the advice in my last post.

Ike what Scazy said in her last two posts.

ike1 Sun 03-Mar-13 21:47:54

Yeah its been over 3 years now.....and I am not sure how to push the recovery process onto the next stage. Sometimes it does feel like groundhog day emotionally. I feel better and then utterly wretched again. Anyway this is not dating stuff so I'll stop now.

Bant Sun 03-Mar-13 22:56:22

Right, given that I've been exchanging mails with this american for 5 hours and we've arranged a date next week, I should probably give her a name.

Miss America sounds a bit too optimistic smile How about Miss Jersey?

KinNora Mon 04-Mar-13 06:40:04

Morning everyone,

Bant - what about Miss Badabing ? With any luck that will be the only thing that's a bit Tony Soprano about her.

Ike I hope you feel better this morning.

OWW hope LM played a blinder last night.

Have a delightful Monday everybody

Pomegranatenoir Mon 04-Mar-13 07:26:00

Morning all,

I've been reading every day but not posted for ages. Busy old week for me!! Right then...

ike sorry but those friends of yours stink. Having been the injured party I can never accept or normalise cheating. It is awful. Having known that you have been through similar I am astounded that your friend wanted to off load her grimy stories on to you. If that is the type of thing she wants to get involved in then maybe she isn't such a good friend to have. Chin up lovely!!

snape I love the snape and nameless love story. It is ace!!!

oww glad to see that you are in a better place. I didn't post the other day because I had nothing to add to what the lovely ladies already put on here. You know LM better than any of us so go with your gut instinct

bant loving hearing about your overseas dating!! Fun, fun, fun!!

lubes - I love your strength and attitude. You are amazing!!

Everyone else - happy Monday!!!

Had such a busy week - job interview (first in 6 years!!) was on thurs. went okay. Will find out this week. Don't think I've got it but actually enjoyed the process. Have applied for another one! Had a lovely party on sat for my little girl. she is one!! all my family and friends we're there and it was perfect. Ex was not missed for one second. It was brill and dd was spoilt!!

Dating is going well with Mr Irish. Ex had kids yest afternoon so Mr I took me out for lunch. God he looked amazing, smelt loooooovely and we had a really good time then migt have indulged in a bit of kissing!! I am all smiley. He is nice, grown up and knows who he is and what he wants. It is moving at a nice pace. He also came in to my house for a cuppa and noticed my leaky kitchen tap. He text me later with a photo of a new set of taps saying he is going to replace mine! Cool or what!!! We are meeting again on Friday

Just packing now to go to centreparcs till friday with the kids and some friends. For the first time in about 2 years life feels good!

48howdidthathappen Mon 04-Mar-13 07:29:17

Ike So sorry you are feeling down. I have never understood cheating myself, people in relationships are out of bounds. I wouldn't want to end up sharing my life with a cheater, as I would know they were a liar, would never be able to trust them.

48howdidthathappen Mon 04-Mar-13 07:32:02

I am all smiley for you pome smile

Pomegranatenoir Mon 04-Mar-13 08:16:54

Thanks 48 good to hear that things are back on track with r&r. I have always thought that he sounded like a really nice man who is definately into you!!

lulubellaboozle Mon 04-Mar-13 08:41:02

Morning all, not posted for ages either, will read through on the train to a meeting this morning ... But briefly OWW just skim read and got a gist, feel gutted I wasn't around to join in the support for you, hope all went well with LM last night, <<hugs>>

Ike I love this saying, because never a truer word spoken 'if you marry a man who cheated on his wife, you are a married to a man who cheats on his wife' , unfortunately I am living testament to that fact. It is rather bizarre that my STBXH's ex wife and I are now on good terms having experienced the same abuse at the hands of the same man. OW always learn the hard way however rosy it may look on the outside!

Happy Monday everyone else!

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 09:17:41

Morning all

Pomegranate thank you blush flowers and lovely update there grin

ike re: your friends being OW, I would feel very sorry for them as deluded fools. Presuming they are single then crime of the attached man who has possibly even made vows and all that is FAR far greater, imho. He's the one with the obligation to NOT stick his penis in other women. OW just get my withering pity rather than anger. If he leaves for them then yay, they scored a cheating pig who will do it to them too, because he is the goddamn problem. What a total fucking dud prize. Imagine having a relationship that stands no chance of ever having trust. Nice one eh.

Pomegranatenoir Mon 04-Mar-13 09:51:42

lubey brilliant words about cheaters. I will remember this whenever I start to get the tiniest bit sad about my dirty, heating ex and his stinky, pathetic ow! They truly deserve each other and get I've bagged myself a model that can do DIY so he did me a mahooooosive favour!!

I really should be packing for centreparcs now....

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 10:13:20

Ike - sorry I missed everything last night. I think your friend is being tactless to say the least. I really can't understand why people cheat - why not just finish things? - but again I'm one of those who is a bit biassed having been on the end of this at the hands of my ex. Horrible feeling. Neither can I understand why anyone would knowingly take up with someone who's already in a relationship. I've been horribly shocked, in something of a pearl-clutchy manner, to find out over the last six months or so that out of my good female friends one has been having an affair with her husband's best friend, one had a four year affair whilst she was married (now divorced), another one started seeing a man while she was married, is now divorced, but is having multiple ONS whilst she's still with the other man, and another friend has had a few ONS during her twenty year relationship. I feel awful about all this. Most of them know the position I've been in but three of them have been looking for a lot of support from me to deal with their affairs and the aftermath which I find really difficult. One of these friends is very, very dear to me, she has helped me enormously and I love her as a person so I am torn between giving her a listening ear and pulling a cat's bum face and having nothing to do with it/her. Sorry, that was a long blather but really I just wanted to say I understand how you feel.

Well, last night with LM . . . I think he is really worried I'm going to leave him. He has said he knows he has cocked things up and isn't sure if I want to carry on seeing him. I said it is his last chance. His friend is due to come back next month some time and I have told him I want to meet her so we will see . . . It is very very clear from how he talks about her that he has no feelings for her that way. I actually feel quite sorry for her, she's been through a lot and isn't having a good time at the moment either.

LM is very tired, very stressed. But he does make me laugh so much. Both houses were full of mothers and children last night so no bed. Bit hmmm because when he drove me home, we talked about when we were going to meet up this week, he was saying that he didn't know that I would want to. Then he didn't go to give me a kiss or anything. I said well I will give you a kiss then, gave him a quick kiss. Don't know what to make of that, really. It was all fine up until then, a good night, lots of talking and laughing. Not sure if he thought he should leave me alone if I was pissed off with him? Or if he's changing his mind about me?

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 11:01:18

OWW god he's a brain drain at the moment!

Did you ask him why he behaved so shite and what he's gonna do to make it up to you?

You say you think he's worried you'll leave him, so I'm sure he's not changing his mind.

He just sounds really depressed maybe and resigned to you leaving him, rather than trying to do anything to stop you.

Frustrating and Shitey McShite.

can you have a good text or email convo? Just it might be easier to make sure you don't miss any points that need addressing with him then - because it seems more confusing than ever and he has done NOTHING to apologise or make things right.

OWW - have to say I agree with lubey. It's all very him, him, him and nothing about you or us. Even when I have been in the depths of a severe depression I could still give a stuff about people around me and apologise when I needed to.

Snapespeare Mon 04-Mar-13 11:12:44

I think you've scared him oww. he doesn’t know quite what to do for the best, does he - and all the other stuff that he has going on is kind of creating a swarm of bees in his head and you're someone else to consider and that's difficult. <sigh> maybe it's decision time - if you're going to be a long term 'thing', then the two of you are going to be a long term thing and that means acceptance that neither of you is going anywhere - and an attitude change. He needs to give you more of a priority and adopt a team approach.. but I think he's just drained by everything going on and can't work out that two people can sort things out more easily than one. I dont think he's 'changed his mind' I think he doesn't know what to do...

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 11:20:40

Yes, it was down to him getting stressed and all caught up with the bailiff stuff. I know it is crap but when he has something really stressful he just can't seem to cope with anything else, just gets really focussed on the shit stuff. I think he is quite depressed and generally stressed to be honest and that is why he doesn't cope very well with stuff going wrong.

I also think that he thinks that saying that I am right and that he knows he has cocked things up is basically admitting that he is wrong, so the same as saying sorry.

I don't know about the whole making it up to me thing. I don't think there is any making up to do apart from behaving properly. I know people who think they can behave how they want, then do a grand "making up" gesture, everything is alright, then off they go again with the slate wiped clean. I've never been into that, really, would rather just people behave properly. He is trying, I think, and he knows very well how I feel, so we will just have to see if it happens again. If it does then that's it.

Feeling a bit meh though today, but not awful, not panicking so I am so very pleased with myself. I am confused by his behaviour at the end of the evening but the rest of it was good.

I just want things to go well for a while now. I'm so fed up with all the crap that seems to have been happening in our lives whilst we've been seeing each other. I know no-one's immune to crap happening but it feels like we have had way more than our fair share. It's not fair waaaah waaaah waaaah. It doesn't feel like we have had a proper chance just to enjoy things and being with each other as there's always been something difficult happening. Shop is opening on Saturday!!!!! so after that I really hope that we will have some plain sailing and a chance just to enjoy ourselves.

McBuckers Mon 04-Mar-13 11:47:23

Bant - thanks for mentioning OKC. I did a profile last night (OMG all those questions)! And am now talking to a rather cute teacher!!!

McBuckers Mon 04-Mar-13 11:49:21

OWW, I really hope things get better for you.

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 12:04:50

I think you're right, Snape and he just can't think properly at the moment. That's why I'm going to wait and see how things go once we are straightened out with everything. It's really not long to go and I think it will become clear to me quite soon how things are going with him once we're out from under most of the crap. To be fair, I have had my own share of problems and stress, it's not just him.

He is hard work at the moment but I think he's worth it in the long run, and if not it's only a few more weeks out of my life. I think I'd always be thinking "What if . . ." if I chucked it in with him now.

48howdidthathappen Mon 04-Mar-13 13:30:09

Sorry off topic blush My overdraft is clear. For now grin

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 13:55:24

Wey hey 48 that's cracking stuff. Bet that feels like a real weight taken off your shoulders.

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 15:36:24

OWW... I don't mean any grand gestures or anything like that. Just at least to look you in the eye and sincerely say he's sorry. You sound at the moment like you have begun to make a lot of excuses for him having not done so til now... what he did wasn't acceptable no matter what depression or stress he has so just don't lose sight of that.

I know you told him it's his last chance though so hopefully that will do the trick enough anyway.

I do hope his thoughtlessness is just down to exceptional circumstances and that he's not like this all the time in future...

I would definitely have a big talk too, I'd really want to ask a lot of questions and get inside his head rather than guesswork.

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 15:36:40

48 grin

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 19:51:46

Quiet on here today, are you all off having a life while I sit here MN-ing..?

Snapespeare Mon 04-Mar-13 19:55:00

In a somewhat self-satisfied update, we've been chatting and playing scrabble today, nameless and I. He linked me to calvin and Hobbes wallpaper, I sent him a link to the baby with HIV being cured... I might suggest he comes to the zoo with us on my cheapy-free club card tickets once the DCs are back from Fife, after he's stayed at mine a couple of days while they were away...if we can still tolerate each other at that point... We can crawl around and look at the penguins, while the DCs do their mad satellite dashing.

I still like him. It's been a month.

This is unusual.

Snapespeare Mon 04-Mar-13 19:55:37

(Not me, life? Oh no!)

grin

48howdidthathappen Mon 04-Mar-13 20:15:18

My mum is coming home Friday if all goes according to plan smile

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 04-Mar-13 20:18:06

Hi Guys and Gals!

It has taken me sometime to catch up. Have just caught up! I took some time off Mumsnet, Match and POF to just detox.

<waves to thread>

Will post on thread 45 if I don't get left behind by the pace of events.

X

VelvetSpoon Mon 04-Mar-13 20:21:24

I haven't been off having a life because mine is boring as shit I have however been busy doing 'stuff', so today I:

wrote a 45 page powerpoint thingy at work;
when I got home did 2 loads of washing and cooked a proper dinner with veg rather than eating toast and chocolate
booked tickets to Ladies Day at the local rugby club grin
and
helped my friends DH with some legal stuff (for which they are excessively grateful and keep trying to pay me though I can't and won't accept)

All of which is nothing but a million and one different attempts to try and distract me from the fact I've heard nothing (as predicted) from C.

Ah well, tomorrow's another day etc....

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 20:21:31

Brilliant news 48

KinNora Mon 04-Mar-13 20:27:53

That's fantastic news, 48, I'm really pleased for you.

Things continuing apace, Snape <adjusts fuchsia ostrich feathers on hat >

OWW, glad it went ok, he sounds like he's crapping himself at the thought of losing you.

Hello everyone else.

I've had to resort to the draft email to prevent myself emailing Spud, yes, I'm that fed up.

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 20:35:36

Yay, daters! here you are. Very glad you're not all having a life. <selfish> grin

Snape, that sounds amazingly brilliant. I reckon go for it, he does seem really lovely and you two seem to be sooo good together. I am still very grin for you!

<waves to WFF>

48 aww lovely news

Velvet, my god woman you're wearing me out just reading that. I'm just the same if distracting myself from stupid phones/texts etc too. If fact that's probably the only time I get anything significant done.

I decluttered the kitchen today and have answered what feels like ten thousand mostly stupid and unnecessary work emails. My eyes are bloodshot and trying to close on me. ZZzzzzzz

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 20:36:44

Kin how are the plans going to seduce that fella (I forget the name sorry complete brain fart moment)

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 20:37:10

Mr Software? is that it? hmmm

KinNora Mon 04-Mar-13 20:42:36

The plans to seduce Mr Software are on a back burner at the moment, can't quite build up the enthusiasm.

Snapespeare Mon 04-Mar-13 20:46:20

48 so pleased your mum is coming home! Really happy for you all and hope everything goes swimmingly.

velvet <sigh> I wish he would text you. I wish I wish!!!

MirandaWest Mon 04-Mar-13 21:02:52

That's great news 48 smile

I did some work this morning and then mystery shopping and then got children and went to swimming lessons and came back and XH came to look after children and I went and ran brownies. Now back and half way through putting them to bed and then I need to do mystery shopping reports. And I need to find out how Mr Nices first day at new job went.

And then go to bed too late as usual hmm

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 04-Mar-13 21:39:45

48 great news about your mum.

Snape things with Nameless sound just lovely.

Velvet I wish Cuthbert would respond to your texts more quickly.

Mr C met DS for the first time this weekend. It seemed to go amazingly well.

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 22:04:27

I wish he would too.

I seem to have a cuthbert copy in Mr iPhone, who still hasn't replied to 'when?'

I really don't get why he can't just reply 'not for a while, crazy busy, really sorry' though or something like that. (Mr iPhone that is)

le sigh.

48 - fab news!!

CastroIsDead Mon 04-Mar-13 22:18:26

my date went well he's absolutely bloody gorgeous and lovely and wants to see me tomorrow night. yay

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 22:24:16

(Some) men, huh.

Please advise on latest in LM saga. I know what you're going to say ... Honestly, I'm wondering if I can be bothered. Severe drama queen alert.

Bit of texting tonight, but no kisses on the texts, answers a bit short, so I said I was going then thought no, not having this, I'll phone him. So I asked him what was up, got a whole spiel about how fucked up he is, what hard work he is, how he is beating himself up and racked with guilt over how he has treated me, how can he make it up to me, feels so bad for messing me about etc etc. all silly nonsense. I said if I can move on from it then he can, best thing to do us learn from your mistakes instead of beating yourself up. Anyway it all got a bit silly, kind of my life's a total mess stuff. Said I just wanted to enjoy myself with him, have a good laugh, go to bed, not all this angst. Also said i didn't want to meet him on Wednesday but I'm going to after all but I have just about had enough of all this. I said I wanted to see how things go after he's got the shop open and has straightened himself out.

Feel quite down, really don't want to get into all this complicated nonsense. It is all silly crap. Don't really want to finish it, either but I can't be doing with this.

OhWesternWind Mon 04-Mar-13 22:25:44

Tell us more Castro!

OWW - I would probably say what you think I am going to say. So I won't say it!!!! But I'm still with Lubey. I don't see the point in you hanging in there any more. I'd call it a day BUT that doesn't preclude you from trying again if and when he gets his life in order if he made the effort and you wanted it. Bother, I said it after all! smile

splishsplosh Mon 04-Mar-13 22:37:27

OWW - I could be being unfair but it does seem like he has made this all about him - so even though he let YOU down, it seems like he is mainly worrying about how that has left HIM feeling - and almost as if it is your job to reassure him, and make him feel better about what went on. Whereas what you'd hope he'd do is say, you're right, I behaved badly and let you down, I'm really sorry and I won't make the same mistake again...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this

CastroIsDead Mon 04-Mar-13 22:42:28

oww i don't know the whole situation but it sounds like hard work hope you get it sorted
short date he was tired from work but conversation flowed ok and he touched me a few times. just lovely. wants to see a film tomorrow so hopefully he will touch me abit more in the dark blush

Flipper924 Mon 04-Mar-13 22:48:26

OWW, splish just said exactly what I was thinking. I know you care about each other a great deal, but there seems to be an awful lot of neediness on both sides. Which could, of course, mean that you're perfect for each other, but I'm worried that you are so keen to please, that you are prepared to overlook a smidgen too much?

I'm super impressed at you calling him, though. This could be a start to much more effective communication!

48, that's good news. Hope it all goes well for her. Are you more confident about it now?

Flipper924 Mon 04-Mar-13 22:49:20

Ooh, castro, another date tomorrow? Very speedy!

CastroIsDead Mon 04-Mar-13 22:54:00

yes hopefully. he is only around for a few weeks so seems like speedy is the way to go? im having negative thoughts, bad habit of mine but he said he wants to see me again and suggested pictures so that means he wants to see me again right?

VelvetSpoon Mon 04-Mar-13 23:00:29

Western, I am not at all in a position to give advice given how things are with me and C* but I do rather think LM is behaving like a bit of a dick tbh - whether intentionally or not. Rather than just saying 'bloody hell Western, I'm sorry I've been such a fuck up - how can I make this up to you? ' (even if the answer from you was simply don't do it again!) it feels like he's just being oh poor me about it making it all into a big drama about him and fishing for sympathy from you.

Now this could all be to do with the 1001 other things he's got going on, and it might not be the real him at all. I suppose all that would start to worry me is whether every time he is under any stress, he is going to behave (even to a much lesser extent) like this, and if that was a possibility, whether it was something I could potentially put up with...

(*still no text. It does baffle me, because I know he likes me, a lot. Just weird)

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Mar-13 23:04:42

Hi OWW

I don't normally post so apologies if you feel I'm intruding but I did just want to mention a thought to you.

First of all, I think you might (note the cunning caveat) be getting through the worst with LM and he's now realising, and admitting, what an arse he's been; he's just not doing it as articulately and thoughtfully as you would, probably because he doesn't know how.

With my ex I found that when I was overwrought and trying to be heard I often couldn't counter his points well during any "talk" and I would then end up off track, missing my point or just petering out and then regretting it the next morning.

What worked for us was that I would write a letter, addressing the points I wanted to make and then give it to him to read through while I was there. The first time I did this I explained to him that it took the emotion out of the message plus it had the advantage of making sure that he could re-read what I was trying to say, which really helped. He was a bit geeky and I think he really did absorb the message well that way. I only ever used writing for the big deals, so it was only a few times, but it did work and he did tell me he appreciated and preferred it. Given that he's now an ex, maybe I should have done that more often hmm.

If I were you I would hang in there, just a bit longer - I agree with what you said a couple of threads up about the "what ifs" if you didn't. While I agree with much of Lubey's sentiment I wonder if this is his way of saying the big sorry - he just doesn't know how to do it properly.

Do bear in mind, though, once the shop is open, there'll be new and different headaches to distract him so watch out on that score. I have everything crossed for you.

Good luck!

Scattylatte Mon 04-Mar-13 23:09:46

oww I hope you get some middle ground soon.
48 hoping home is a smooth transition.
snape yay!
velvet free legal advice is worth it's weight in gold. You are a good friend.

Me: loads and loads of pressure at work at the moment. Can't afford to leave but keep looking for contingency plans. Fireman going ok. After his 'don't fall in love with me' speech I see him one a week for dinner and sex. We text in between (mainly about sex) and he phones me. I don't bother phoning him as ages ago when I did he was in a rush both times. So last week he asked whether we could see each other more than once a week. Fine with me as I do really like him and he does me. The issue is that he keeps telling me he is needy and apologising for being needy and he isn't either. Tonight I was telling him I'd felt like I'd had a panic attack at work when lots went wrong and I'd got millions of phone calls at once. He then text me to say he was sorry for being needy and not considering my feelings.....it wasn't about him, I was saying that when I'm under huge pressure I felt panicky. So then I spend time reassuring him that all is well with him. It's mildly draining.

lubeybooby Mon 04-Mar-13 23:12:50

OWW, well, that conversation is done with now and again you did spectacularly well, and now you have answers too instead of guesswork, and he knows you want to be able to have an enjoyable time with him

See how it goes when the shop is opened, nothing has really changed since you were saying earlier that you wanted to see how it went, you just have something more concrete to go on as to his thoughts that's all.

However if he keeps refusing help for depression and things don't improve and he's just a big ball of angst all the time then maybe review it again then.

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 00:45:18

Has anyone looked at the crap tats fbook page....it has cheered me right up!(soz cant do links)

Happy birthday to me!!! I've just turned 39. Thank god I still look about 33 or I'd be turning to the bottle to drown the realisation I am now in my 40th year. Oh dear.... Still, I shall celebrate later in appropriate fashion although someone put a smile on my face with some lovely compliments earlier tonight which was a great boost.

KirstyWirsty Tue 05-Mar-13 05:56:12

Happy birthday voice

oww I know just how you feel .. Constant drama here too .. Maybe best to wait and see when the smoke clears if you still want to hang around

velvet what's his reason for not replying to texts within 24 hours??

snape glad it's going well

Mr cheeky is needing space to get all his problems sorted out .. So I am a bit fed up ... I should be elated .. Financial settlement was finally agreed on Friday and I'm off the New York with lovingfreedom this weekend for one of my friend's weddings .. But instead I am sad as he won't let me help or support him .. He says he is not finishing with me but he is at rock bottom and needs to get sorted by himself hmm and he will be 'back to get me'

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 07:03:29

Happy birthday dear Voy-oyce, happy birthday to you.

Pretty pissed off this morning. It is all just silly nonsense and a non-issue. Actually, I suspect it's his depression talking but I know he won't get help. However, we'll see how it goes.

I want to have a good time and fun instead of all this heaviness and hard work.

Kirsty - have a wonderful weekend and forget about all the dramatic twattery. Some decisions coming soon for both of us, I think.

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 07:26:27

And thank you all for your advice, as always.

Flipper924 Tue 05-Mar-13 07:32:37

Happy birthday, Voice!

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 07:38:33

Happy Birthday Voice! grin

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 07:41:50

Happy birthday Voice smile

48howdidthathappen Tue 05-Mar-13 07:46:14

Have a fab day Voice smile you are a mere youngster.

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:19:35

Happy birthday VOICE! 'Someone', 68, in Marbella 'winked' me on Match .....waddya reckon....Anna Nicole Smith potential?

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 09:20:18

Kirsty just read your post again. What do you think about what Mr Cheeky is doing? Sounds like it is getting you down. Do you think you're going to wait for him to sort himself out (if that's going to happen) or is it time to move on?

I'm feeling more and more inclined to move on . . . Children will be upset, though, as they really like his dcs. Will be difficult to tell them. And my blooming mother. Have even had a little lurk on Match this morning, though.

Great news on getting the financial settlement sorted, by the way. It's awful how good things in your life are overshadowed by shit in someone else's, know the feeling well.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 09:31:17

______THUD_________

I have a reply from Mr iPhone. Wow, only took about four days.

Trying to arrange a date when I get back from my trip.

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:31:42

Oh and I messaged a guy on POF last night ...different city to me but fairly close....nice looking guy, similar tastes (hardly anyone of interest in my city). Gave him my best lines.

Got 'Ha,ha, brilliant.xx' at 4:30am this morning in return.

Should I bother responding? If potential suitors were not so thin on the ground I wouldn't even be bothered to think about it. Smacks of laziness. Any views kindly received. Not only that but what's he doing at 4:30am on POF? Effing early start to HIS day!

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:32:42

God lubes Mr I-phone is giving me constipation.

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 09:33:38

Well Ike it's not really a line to encourage a conversation, is it? Why bother sending something like that? But maybe one more chance, perhaps the lateness/earliness of the hour was affecting his capacity for scintillating conversation . . .

The thought of going back to trawling through all the shite online is really depressing.

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 09:35:31

What did he say, Lubey? Hope it was worth waiting for . . .

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:37:34

Maybe OWW...I guess I would rather be ignored....less patronising. What you going with your day Voice?

KirstyWirsty Tue 05-Mar-13 09:40:54

OWW I really like him .. I am prepared to give him a bit of time but will also keep options open I.e if I meet anyone in RL in the meantime .. He says he wants to get himself sorted so that he has no more dramas but he's been separated 4 years and nothing has been sorted so I am not holding my breath

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 09:45:50

Kirsty there has to be a limit on the amount of time though. How long are you thinking of? I know I'm not going to meet anyone in RL so it's actually going to be a conscious decision to start looking again . . . I don't know, I think these men love the drama of it and having someone fussing round and talking to them about their problems and being the centre of attention. It could all be sorted out much more easily with a lot less fuss and tararadiddle.

Lovingfreedom Tue 05-Mar-13 09:46:36

I just noticed your post KW sad .... chin up love.... let's get our arses stateside and have some fun. wine

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:47:28

Yes OWW it is very tempting to stick with the 'devil you know'.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 09:47:52

Not really OWW! he just said he was on lates this week but free after Saturday. Well that's when I'm away so I asked how next week is - he replied immediately shock saying not sure but that we'll definitely sort something out.

So yeah... I'm not particularly excited about him or anything but I'll definitely get this next date and mercilessly take the piss out of him for all the late replies, and try and get to the bottom of it all.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 09:50:10

Just had another immediate reply shock saying he can't wait. Okaaaayyyy....

I have replied 'yes you can :-P'

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 09:52:12

Lubey another one who is too much like hard work . . .

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:52:28

Blimey ....its all 'feast' or 'famine' with him Lubes....

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 09:54:58

He replied again with a :-P

just setting the tone for the pisstaking when I see him...

KirstyWirsty Tue 05-Mar-13 09:58:00

lovingfreedom I was saving the chat for when I saw you.. As you did warn me there would be more drops in the constant rollercoaster

OWW mr cheeky doesn't want me fussing around .. He says he wants to sort things out himself .. Says he is in love with me and wants to sort things out and for me not to be involved or to see him when he is at rock bottom .. And then he will be back

Snapespeare Tue 05-Mar-13 10:32:22

Happy Birthday Voice! <chaste cheek kiss> Hope you have a smashing day!

oww depression is such a cruel, cruel thing, isn't it. you never quite know where you are - you want to help, but there isn't really anything that can be done, especially as in your case where he doesn't seem to want to admit the severity of his condition or to seek medical intervention. I absolutely get that it's so hard to contemplate starting again and that the DCs are fond or his DCs and it all seems a bit HUGE so it's easier to do nothing… so I see why you are leaving it to let the dust settle a bit.

ike no. absolutely not. best lines do not = a few syllables in response. he'll need to do better than that.

lubey smile at :-p

VelvetSpoon Tue 05-Mar-13 11:05:34

Happy birthday voice!

Kirsty enjoy NYC smile it is on my list of places to go one day (it's a long list...!)

Lubey a reply at last, hurrah! no such luck here

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 11:23:22

sometimes, when you dont get a reply it can be because the other person didnt get the text..unless you get delivery reports on your phone...mind you they're not always accurate! confused

Happy Birthday Voice thanks I believe there will be a giant lemon roly poly later? grin

Ike normally I ignore the middle of the night men but I'd see what happens with another message

Me, chatting to two hard work gsm men, both of whom may turn out to be a bit pedestrian. I told one of them I only give my number out after meeting, he then said happy to meet but can't meet until after a certain date two weeks away. confused.

Scrazy Tue 05-Mar-13 12:44:01

Voice, Happy Birthday, and please you are not old.

Ike, I found when I was looking on POF that that was generally a standard type response when I messaged good looking men.

OWW, I would be getting tired of it all by now to be honest. Nothing wrong with browsing on the sites now but give yourself a bit more time before you start actively seeking a date.

Lubey, he sounds hard work as well, see how the next date goes though.

Oh just read back and I sound so pessimistic, sorry.

I started to learn to run in January. I have just texted trainer to ask if I can go outside for a run outside in session today. I havent done that since school and I am beyond terrified. This is a huge thing for me, it will be ok yes?

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 12:53:34

Of course it will Juliette, I used to love running before i did my back in - go for it

Scrazy, he is but I have many irons in the fire so to speak so I'm not all that bothered. We'll see how the date goes... he was never this bad before so maybe it's a blip...

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 12:58:33

Running is good (well goodish - when I'm doing it I'm not necessarily totally loving it but I keep going grin). Did 5 miles this morning which is the furthest I have done in a long time. Want to do 10k in under an hour). There's lots of people running that I seem to see now I'm doing it again and all shapes and sizes and speeds.

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:58:47

I still find running torturous, but not terrifying, you can always alternate walking/jogging/running, intervals possibly have more benefits than keeping a constant pace (?)
what are you terrified about Juliette?

48howdidthathappen Tue 05-Mar-13 13:06:59

OWW Sorry things aren't going too well. LM does seem a bit 'woe is me'. If he wont get help not alot you can do. I know I would of completely fucked it up with Mr R&R if I didn't sort myself out.

Kirsty Have a great trip. Hope you can work it out with Mr Cheeky.

Lubey Go get him!

Flipper I do feel more positive about my mum coming home. She is miserable in hospital. Gonna be a case of 'suck it and see'.

VelvetSpoon Tue 05-Mar-13 13:18:12

One of my friends started running 2 years ago. She was a size 18 and could only run for a minute before stopping.

She started off doing couch to 5k and kep going...she is now a size 10 and runs 10-15 miles every weekend (plus shorter distances in the week).

Am going to give it a go myself if I ever get rid of this cough. Will be another thing to distract me from lack of texts...!

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 13:20:13

Apparently he is staying at his sisters and her kids woke him up...doesnt seem to be a conversationalist...so sod im...bored....beautiful day out there...gonna grab some rays see ya later.x

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 13:21:05

Couch to 5k is excellent and the feeling of achievement is wonderful smile

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 13:21:57

Oh Velvet this situation is no good for you ...

Started a thread about LM on the main relationships board and every single reply has told me to chuck him. Don't know if that's what I wanted to hear or not ...

Hope the run goes well Juliette!

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 13:27:39

OWW I read your thread, just wanted to say that I think summing it up like that seems like a very good idea, on this thread things meander so much that it's hard to keep track of everyones situations.

I hope the thread helps you to decide what to do etcsmile

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 13:30:33

Couch to 5k is indeed brilliant. I know many people who have had a great time and got much much fitter doing it. I just wish i could go back to it... I need at least 10lb off to sort my back out first then I'll be well away on the old treadmill (won't be doing outdoor til much fitter as outside terrain is so much harder)

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 13:31:15

OWW I read your other thread as well - you write very clearly and I can see why the replies are the way they are. I think overall only you can decide what you are getting out and putting into the relationship and overall how it makes you feel. Being a grown up can sometimes be a bit rubbish.

I have to go out and retrieve a Malory Towers book from XHs car (don't ask) and mystery shop pharmacies pretending I have a headache and a sore back. My life is very varied grin

Mercury, I'm terrified of falling over, doing my back in again, not being able to do it, crying, being the kid at the back who was only allowed to run round the edge of the fields whilst the others went out blush.

You are right, we will do intervals, he'll be with me. Yikes, he said yes and I have to leave now. It will be fine, it will be fine

Encouraging words that some of you have done this.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 13:40:48

Definitely intervals, Juliette, it's a beautiful day for most of the country I think, you'll love it once you get going

VelvetSpoon Tue 05-Mar-13 13:43:37

Western, I'm actually not too worried (by my standards) re C, he will be in contact by the end of the week I'm sure. I would be slightly happier if I knew when I was seeing hin next but never mind.

Re your thread, I have read it, and agree you have set it all out very clearly. ATEOTD though as miranda quite rightly says, the only one who knows what its really like on the inside of a relationship and can make a decision is you. Take into account what others say of course, but they're only on the outside looking in. That said, being able to view a situation disapassionately from the outside can be very valuable.

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 13:54:05

Well, I am going to revert to my fall-back position - if in doubt, do nowt. At least for the moment. There is no huge rush to decide one way or the other, no deadline. More talking and more thinking will help.

I think with my other thread (and on here) I have said a lot more about the bad side of things than the good one and I've possibly distorted things by doing this. I don't feel that I am clinging on just so I have "a partner" but what I am doing is giving things a fair chance as I think there is a huge amount of good stuff in our relationship and between us. And I don't think it's true that he doesn't care about me, either.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 15:08:24

I haven't caught up with it or a while OWW but I saw the comment you are referring to. Don't discount the more measured replies because of that though

He does care about you of that I'm sure. And yep, there's good things - but the last few days have highlighted unignoreable problems.

I do hope he either sorts himself out or that you can move on without hassle

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 15:19:41

One or the other, Lubey!! It will be hard if it finishes but not the end of the world.

I did it. 32 whole minutes of 1 min intervals. It may not seem much but this is a massive barrier broken down for me and I can't stop grinning. I'm doing this specifically to get over the fear of running gringringrin

OWW he is hard work but not actually harmful. I think he does care but is also quite at the centre of his own universe and needs a reality check. Now you are generally in a great lace, would you want him if you met him now?

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 15:47:02

Well done Juliette smile

I once came 4th in an 800m race at Sports Day. It was out of 4 blush. Would probably be quicker now than I was over 20 years ago I think confused

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 15:48:18

Well done Juliette grin

OhWesternWind Tue 05-Mar-13 15:57:54

Whooooo Juliette!! Excellent stuff. Well done.

Would I want him if I met him now? Yes, probably. He is excellent company, totally gets my sense of humour, we can talk for hours, great in bed, very generous, so on a fairly superficial "dating" level it is very, very good. It's on a deeper emotional level that things start getting a bit difficult. If I'd known about the effects of the depression and general fucked-up-ness I probably wouldn't have got into a relationship with him in the first place. He did tell me about the depression, but very much gave the impression that it was in the past and was not affecting his life at the moment. He also told me early on that he was ready for a new relationship. Hmmm. I think I am going to have what will probably be a difficult conversation with him soon, either tomorrow or over the coming few days/week and the outcome of that will make things very clear. I am going to tell him clearly what I want/need and hope he will be honest and straightforward with me.

But I am not scared of being on my own again, even though it makes life a bit greyer, and I would find someone else before too long, I'm sure. It's just the thought of starting again is a little bit daunting, but I've had worse things happen to me. It would be such a shame too, as he really is a lovely man, just fucked up like he said.

OWW that is exactly how I felt about my LM, he was kind, thoughtful, the most wonderful sex and lots of it, smart, beautiful and completely fucked up. Hard work.

Scrazy Tue 05-Mar-13 16:49:38

This is how it was with the last one I was seeing. Totally got each other, laughed till our sides split, he was generous, thoughtful, lovely sex, kisses and cuddles, but a complete head fuck for me as he was emotionally unavailable and wouldn't commit.

I loved being with him but I don't miss the way he made me feel sometimes. He was probably seeing other women so it was different but I wouldn't put those the good things ahead of him making me feel like crap.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 17:06:23

"I wouldn't put those the good things ahead of him making me feel like crap"

Spot on. If you're not getting what you need and feeling good then that isn't normal or 'healthy' in a relationship

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:07:47

I think you are wise not to be in too much of a rush to bring the relationship to an end OWW....let it play out for a bit.....

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:19:54

I am valiently trudging forth conversationally with Mr Woodsman (killing time b 4 picking up the kids)....he will happily respond .....but doesnt initiate....that is so bizarre....ends everything with a little kiss....I feel like I am forcing him to talk to me hahaha

OWW whatever happens with LM, for you the relationship has been good in enabling you to say want you want and best of all you now know you can rock the boat without it capsizingsmile. Total admiration for how you've dealt with all this.

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:08:52

Yes as Jules and Lubes have noted....I agree....well played OWW but I would not be in a rush to bring closure yet.

He seems keen enough, this bloke, to converse....but what do we make of the not asking questions? He only has 1 photo.....but I remember an old POF profile of his and thinking wow....he was one of the best looking guys I had ever seen on there.

He wants to chat later...but .. I like a talker, me...

Ike he may be a talker, just not a mailer. I used to love it, now I get bored with it tbh as there are so many drop outs and I just think shit or get off the pot. Also you've mentioned that sometimes guys don't get your sense of humour, he could be cowering or something <straw clutching>. Force Get him to meet you and see.

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:43:47

Your right Jules ....I've already told hin that 'he'll do' cos he's a writer and likes film...ha ha poor bugger! Oh well done Jules with the exercise that's really cool! I hate exercise and will only do 25 mins max in the gym. He lives 40 mins train ride away so will maybe meet half way or something....

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 19:02:38

yes well done Juliette, I still find running ever so tough, but I have made progress just by doggedly sticking at it...I am still laughably slow but I can keep going for half an hour before I switch to intervals, when I started it was very hard to keep it up for a minute.

I've started chatting to a bloke who seems quite promising, no text speak at all...but I wont hold my breath

Mercury I was surprised at how much harder it is outside and intervals were definitely the way to go. Thanks to all of you who told me that, it would have been an even bigger shock otherwise. Trainer is very good, I trust him and he specialises in rehab so it's been slow but I'm so much stronger than when I started.

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 19:26:31

oh dont, I do all of mine on the treadmill..I darent try proper outdoor running..thats for serious proper runnersblush

you are well hard Juliette grin

Snapespeare Tue 05-Mar-13 19:39:37

Well done juliette it's something, isn't it, the sun shining and the windin your hair! grin

Mercury and this from Ms hardcore fitness runner. I'll take it on my next run out though grin.

My gsm seems to have run out, I have never met anyone on there who had any life in them. Has anyone tried the free Match offer? it says free for 3 days but do you have to give all your credit card details etc. I was on it before once and got nothing at all, then M Affinity which was just men who hadn't filled out a profile winking.

Snapespeare Tue 05-Mar-13 19:51:15

Date seven. Friday. grin grin grin

He'd emailed me some adventure time party penguins, in retaliation my morining text of a penguin in a cage...because last night I'd attempted to distract him at virtual scrabble by pinging my bra at him.... But the penguins that now reside in his bedroom hmm intercepted my bra... So I constructed an elaborate penguin trap...but obviously returned my captured penguins to the wild... Anyway, I'd said that I'd like to see him at the weekend, but I still felt a bit strange instigating dates, because I haven't quite got my head around the ME/CFS limitations, so could he just take it as a given that I'd really like to see him and I'll work around his fuzzy head and ebbs as much as possible.

Response within two minutes. I think he likes me.

<does funky dance>

<is beyonce>

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 19:56:01

Snape grin grin grin

BillMasen Tue 05-Mar-13 20:00:22

Why is it still embarrassing to buy condoms when you're 39 years old? You'd think by now I'd be a bit more adult about it.

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 20:06:40

Oh Bill well it always is a little bit... usually quick and painless though. Just include them with your weekly shop then the cashier can't spend more than half a second pondering them because of the checkout speed targets on items per minute...

Snapespeare Tue 05-Mar-13 20:08:21

bill it's embarrassing, because ALL contraception should be free.

grin that said, maybe blokes buying condoms is seen as responsible, considerative.... Women buying condoms is seen as a bit slutty. <disclaimer:blah>

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:11:01

surely condoms can be got through mail order?
thats how I buy sex toys

Snapespeare Tue 05-Mar-13 20:13:54

<might have been a bit disagreeably devils advocatey there...>

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:14:07

yeah neer really think abut it ...in with the shop job done...

ike1 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:14:25

never

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 20:16:33

I've never run on a treadmill. I think I might fall off blush

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 20:21:09

Actually there are some great deals on condoms from online sex shop type places. Like lovehoney.

I must remember to use them actually instead of supermarkets. I'll save a fortune.

VelvetSpoon Tue 05-Mar-13 20:21:21

I think buying them as part of your general shopping is less obvious and therefore less embarrassing than if they are a specific purchase (if that makes sense)

Mind you C and I are so useless and easily embarrassed that neither of us are able to say the word condom aloud. We refer to them, but never by name grin

Given our obvious compatibility it's all the more irritating that he STILL hasnt text me!

I expect that's because living only a mile away he was near enough to hear me screaming like a fishwife at the DC earlier over the fridge incident....

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 20:21:33

I've just realised how the sounds.

<buries self in earth never to emerge>

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 20:22:45

the - that*

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 20:22:56

Yay for date number 7 Snape smile he definitely likes you grin

I need a wet fish as on Monday mr nice and his DS are going to America for two weeks and I will Miss Him. This feels a bit teenager ish. He'll be 8 hours behind as well. Not sure when we'll both be awake. Think there will be an amount of emails. Is v daft to know I will be a little bit sad but smile that he is going and will have a good time with his DS smile

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 20:24:24

What was the fridge incident <quakes with fear>

mercury7 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:24:45

obviously we all should be matter of fact about buying condoms but I think in women it seems 'modern' and 'sensible'

where as when I think of men buying condoms I think louche and opportunistic
or maybe I just have issues confused

lubeybooby Tue 05-Mar-13 20:25:10

I spent a lot of time up til about 5am when BC was in Canada but that was only 5 hours behind... I feel for you Miranda!

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 20:30:37

I can stay awake until 1am semi easily and until 2 at a push. That would be 5pm so we could maybe chat then (they're going round California from LA to San Francisco. Am jealous). He will probably also stay up late ish too.

Have been asked what I'd like as a present....

grinchie Tue 05-Mar-13 20:35:12

Hi everyone smile
I haven't been around for a week or two so i haven't caught up.
All still the same with me, still on the sofa with Ironman still in Afghanistan.

I wondered, please can I ask you all a favour?

Miranda I do know a man who fell off. He was slight of build but had bought a new pair of too tight shorts and was keen to show off. He got diverted by an attractive man, flew off backwards to the floor shorts ripped right up the back seam. The humiliation was complete when he was grabbed under his arms and lifted into the air by a Muscle Mary who just placed him back on the machine and walked off.

Lubey that sounded about right envy grin

VelvetSpoon Tue 05-Mar-13 20:39:57

Miranda -fridge incident - one of the DS left fridge open all day. Contents ruined. I was so annoyed I started an AIBU about it so I didn't rant here.

Have calmed down a bit now. Although neither of the little sods will admit who did it, they both say it wasn't them.

Bant Tue 05-Mar-13 20:49:29

The problem with throwing the condoms in with a weekly shop is wondering what might be going through the mind of the people in the queue behind you about the potential combinations of items..

loo roll, bunch of bananas, roast chicken, jar of coffee, coleslaw, condoms, rubber gloves, sink plunger..

Grinchie - what kind of favour?

Snapespeare Tue 05-Mar-13 20:50:31

grinchie how can we help? smile

Bant this is the beauty of living in Eastern Europe. Nothing in that list would get you a second look.

Grinchie does this involved Skyping soldiers and asking to see their particulars?

MirandaWest Tue 05-Mar-13 20:58:59

Will venture into AIBU and look (I have it hidden from Active Cinversations to keep blood pressure low grin)