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To want him to just fucking back off

(34 Posts)
StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 28-Feb-13 22:05:59

Not a day has gone by this week without dh having a go at me in the limited time we spend together.

Today it was because I didn't make an effort with dinner apparently. I could have done more veg or gravy. Yesterday it was because I didn't cook dinner at all (dh had half cleaned the oven so it couldn't be used). The day before it was because I didn't eat the dinner he had cooked, because I didn't like it.

He is stressed, I understand that, he is studying, working evenings, looking after ds during the day and managing the house. He hates the job he is doing, but we need the money.

He says I am not making an effort with anything anymore, that I am becoming lazier and he is having to do more work himself.

It seems to prove this point he has spent this week performing random cleaning tasks throughout the house of the sort that I never do anyway, unless we are moving out. Like cleaning the oven for example.

I sort the dishwasher, wash the clothes, hoover, wipe surfaces, ensure ds and the cat are fed and happy, ensure ds is washed and put to bed on time with a story. I do these things day in day out as they are required and always have done. Ideally, I would do more but at this moment in time that is not my priority, I do what has to be done in order for the houshold to function.

I can't do any more because I am struggling to keep afloat. I am also studying, working full time, doing a training course for work and looking after ds in the evenings (we have no childcare so dh hands ds over to me literally as I walk out the door at work).

I am on antidepressants and have just finished a course of counselling which was emotionally exhausting and am not sleeping well and having nightmares following my mum's sudden death in November. I had to return to work last week even though I don't think I am ready because we need the money as I am the main wage earner.

I am trying to manage my anger and stress through reading a couple of books (or trying to find time to) on Mindfulness and Buddhism. I am finding this useful as I am able to stay calm with ds, even though there have been times recently when I have felt like I wanted to smack him (I haven't btw). It also is helping me realise that a lot of things I worry about don't matter in the long term, like doing more housework which is helping to alleviate the anxiety and stress of the smaller things.

So why won't he leave me alone? It doesn't bloody well matter that the oven was dirty or if the dinner I cooked was crap. The fact that I cooked at all is an achievement. Every day I want to stay curled up in bed and be alone but I am getting up and trying to make it through each day. But apparently I'm just getting worse.

Sorry this is so long.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 28-Feb-13 22:07:52

And sorry for the AIBU title, I'm too used to posting there.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 28-Feb-13 22:09:34

You know he's being a cunt right now don't you?

AbigailAdams Thu 28-Feb-13 22:12:49

"He is stressed" No he is abusive.

I suspect you'd feel a lot less depressed if you got rid of his sorry arse!

Seriously, what is he adding to your life?

WeAreEternal Thu 28-Feb-13 22:13:44

He is being a total and utter arse, and you should tell him so.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job holding everything together, in your situation I don't think I could do it half as well as you are doing.

CookieLady Thu 28-Feb-13 22:19:00

Didn't want to read and run. Is he aware of how much you are struggling with depression? If not, you need to tell him exactly how you feel. I'm all too aware of how some people don't fully understand that although you appear to be functioning on a day to day basis, underneath the facade it takes all your will power to do even the most basic things - which believe me is no easy feat when all you want to do is curl up.

Sweetheart, you are doing amazingly well. Don't give up. Hang in there. It will take time but you will get better.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 28-Feb-13 22:23:33

He's never been on my back like this before but recently everything I do seems to annoy him. I just don't know what's wrong with him recently. Only two weeks ago I asked him if I seemed better than I had been (with the anger/crying/unreasonableness) and he said I was so what's changed?

I'm especially struggling this week as ds has been ill (roseola, terrified me when the rash appeared thinking it may be meningitis), I have an assignment I'm not even halfway through due next Friday and tomorrow I'm going away all weekend with ds at my dad's on the other side of the country. I've only just recently got in touch with my dad after a very long period of no contact so there are a lot of emotional issues with that too.

TranceDaemon Thu 28-Feb-13 22:52:54

I think your depression would lift enormously if you left this nasty, twatty man.

A loving partner wouldn't treat you like that.

It does sound like he's being a bit of an arse, but at the same time, living with someone who is suffering from depression can be very hard. It sounds like both of you are living under a lot of stress and pressure at the moment - you are recently bereaved and unwell, he is working in a job he hates (mind you, is it a really awful job or just a boring one?) and he is probably worried about your unhappiness - you say yourself that you have been angry/unreasonable/crying a lot.

Is there anyone who could give your household some practical help? Could you afford a cleaner, even for an hour or so a week? It sounds to me as though you and your H are both tired and miserable and could do with a bit of rest and relaxation or at least some time to do things that are fun.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 28-Feb-13 23:02:21

Recently everything I do seems to annoy him would make me wonder if he was fancying /getting involved with someone else - can't see how he'd have time, from your OP, but a DP becoming hypercritical can be a manifestation of them feeling starry-eyed about ANOther and voicing the resulting discontent with you. Has anything else changed about his behaviour?

CookieLady Fri 01-Mar-13 13:58:17

As Solid pointed out living with someone who has depression isn't easy and even my husband who has the patience of a saint has had a few moments of being an idiot. Is there any possibility of you and your family going away on a short break? Even if it's only for a couple of nights. We found it helped us recharge and the change of scenery did us all the world of good.

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 15:35:31

I agree with Solid and Cookie. He's taking out his frustrations on you which is wrong but perhaps he has got low himself and doesn't know how to handle it. He's decided in his head to make more effort to clean and is cross that the same thought hadn't come to you as well at the same time. I'm not sure that this is about cleaning to be honest - could he be frustrated because he feels he's not supporting his family?

How was your relationship before? Would you have heart-to-hearts? From what you've written it doesn't seem worth separating over, unless there is more to it? I can see two people under huge amounts of emotional and financial pressure and are both starting to crack. You both need to take yourselves out of the situation and have a good talk before it does go too far down the line to recover.

TheSeniorWrangler Fri 01-Mar-13 16:01:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dummad Fri 01-Mar-13 16:17:41

Sorry to hear you are having problems. I will try and come back soon with a measured response but just wanted to offer some support and also say that your DH is obviously having many troubles of his own and may not be abusive as suggested.

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 18:18:17

""He is stressed" No he is abusive." hmm FFS

colditz Fri 01-Mar-13 18:25:24

You actually both sound exhausted. That doesn't mean he gets to bitch at you for not doing house things the way he wants you to, but actually, you didn't cook anything for dinner because he was cleaning the oven? Did I misread that? If I didn't, I really don't think that's acceptable, you could use the hob or the microwave.

I do know what depression is like, but I also know what living with someone who has depression is like. It is very easy for their constant bad mood and lack of enthusiasm to drag you so far down that you end up with low grade depression yourself.

dummad Fri 01-Mar-13 21:26:18

It's a very serious allegation to call someone abusive - it just isn't on that as soon as a man gets moody for any length of time he is classed as such. I think it would help if the OP explained a bit more about the extent of his behaviour before calling him such awful names GoSuckEggs, Trance, Abigail and Brandy.

For instance, is he actually yelling at you or is he snapping at you OP?
Also, what has he been like in the past? Has this just started recently, because you are both exhausted? What is his usual disposition and personality like when he's not feeling so low?

I'd suggest finding some low-key space this weekend, ideally without your DC - and try to not do anything for a day. Then for the sake of your marriage and your health, look at what is going wrong and where you can make cut backs in your routine.

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 21:41:36

excuse me Dummand, where have I called him any names??! I said similar to you, but less articulated! confused

Lueji Fri 01-Mar-13 21:55:59

TBH, it looks like both of you have taken on too much at the same time.

And yes, dealing with someone with depression can be hard and drag you down.

Would it be possible for both of you to lighten the load a bit, for example for one to postpone studying a bit?

And it may help to have some quiet time together to talk through these issues, for example, decide on what's important to do at home.

dummad Fri 01-Mar-13 22:01:11

Sorry GoSuckEggs- I see you were quizzing that - not actually saying it! Didn't read the punctuation correctly.

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 22:06:39

that's ok, I too think that people are too eager to say that some one is abusive.

i am shock that some posters get SO wild about an apparent 'abuser' and start demanding the OP takes what ever action they see fit and will flame the OP if they dont comply!

- I do appreciate that they do also offer tremendous support and advise to some posters.

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 22:06:51

Yep fair point dummad. It was a reaction on my part to him taking his stress out on her (which is abusive behaviour) when she is trying to cope with just as much, if not more than him and doesn't appear to be doing the same to him. I git the impression this was ongoing (and perhaps escalating). But obviously it is more recent as explained later by the OP.

It would be interesting to know how he reacts when/if she raises this with him.

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 22:07:56

And I would never flame an OP who was in an abusive situation GoSuckEggs hmm

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 22:14:13

I didn't say that you did Abigail. confused

Jojobump1986 Fri 01-Mar-13 22:14:33

I have depression & 95% of the time DH is fab but sometimes my depression will be less & I'll be able to do a few more things but then it'll get worse again & I'll stop doing those extra things. There have been times where my depression getting worse has coincided with DH's work getting a bit more stressful so he feels like he's really busy at work & then has to come home & take care of me, DS & the household things. He sometimes gets frustrated & complains that I was managing to do X a few days ago but am not doing it anymore. As soon as I explain how I'm feeling he backs off & just gets on with things again. Do try talking to your DH. It may just be that he feels stressed & like his feelings aren't getting acknowledged. I know it helps my DH to feel like I'm at least aware of how my depression affects him, even if I'm not really able to do anything about it!

Teahouse Fri 01-Mar-13 22:16:46

Sounds like both of you have far too much on and I am sure things will ease as your various courses finish.

Try to chunk things together. Write list of what needs to be done by whom a PM'd schedule in some free time for each of you to recharge your empty batteries.

Get an extension for your assessments if you can.
And write a cleaning rota that you both agree to stick to so extra cleaning is avoided.

I am sure you can work together and with your counselling think about how you hear his communication by telling him what you heard so you can clarify and so him to do the same. Maybe even use a talking stick to sort out how you list your life until the awful business is over.

All sounds very stress related. Good luck

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 22:19:27

You implied it GoSuckEggs.

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 22:21:15

I said 'some posters' if you wish to class yourself as 'some posters' then that is dine by me, but i did not specifically say YOU.

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 22:23:34

No but mine was the only post you had commented on. Which implies you classed me in 'some posters'.

perfectstorm Fri 01-Mar-13 22:25:00

Can I ask how old DS is and how he is sleeping? Because if you're both completely exhausted (and with the schedule you describe, there's no down time for either of you) then you'll be horrible to one another. DH and I were when DS was very little, too.

I'm not ruling about abuse, but at the same time, sometimes couples go through low patches where both are crabby and snippy. Are you this way with one another, or is it all from him, I suppose is basically at the heart of this.

Depression is horrendous and makes every single act a huge achievement, but he sounds as if he may be suffering from some himself, tbh. Has he been supportive in the past, or is this a recurrent/consistent response from him?

perfectstorm Fri 01-Mar-13 22:26:50

Sorry, not ruling OUT abuse. Tired here too. blush

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 22:40:32

No it doesn't Abigail, it means I thought that your first post was a load of shit and that I think some posters can get hysterical on threads like this.

if you wish to link the two separate posts then go for it confused

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 23:04:49

OK whatever.

Stickem, apologies for the derailment. I hope you get a chance to talk with your partner. And I hope I was wrong with my first post.

I'm usually fairly fast to call abuse. But in this case, so far, it sounds a lot more like two people who are both under a lot of pressure and snapping and snarling at each other.

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