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Stuck & can't see how to keep 'handling' it

(91 Posts)
Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:08:34

I have nc & if anyone kind of recognises me,pls don't out me. I apologise for this being a v v long opening to my thread.
Ok,I have been with my h for 7 years,married for 3.
He has always been an odd one. When we met,I wanted someone who was steady,reliable & would make me their complete life blush
I got some of it lets say. We have had some nice times but I really don't know how to handle things anymore.
He has no friends,no family. He doesn't like socialising,I learnt early on that I couldn't go out like I used to.
He is a compulsive liar. The career he claimed to have when we met was a lie. He claimed he had plenty of money,blah blah. He is extremely convincing,when he says things I actually think he believes them at that second.
When I was promoted he caused such arguments that in the end (coupled with the fact the job was not hugely satisfying) I requested to go back to my old role.
He has been made redundant twice since we've been together & my career is fairly happy.
I was told pre marriage I was unlikely to ever have children. He was not bothered either way really.
I fell pg immediately after our wedding & mc at 9 weeks.
I found out I was pg at the time of mc. He was entirely unsupportive. I fell pg next month.
He went mad,tried to push me to have a termination. It was a black horrible time. We didn't have a good relationship for my entire pregnancy. I was under a different midwife as they were concerned about my home life.
About 10 days before my due date I found out he had two dc. I packed my things & left after another manic row where I called the police. He talked me round.
He was super husband for about a month. Things slipped into me being v v lonely on mat leave. We viewed houses near my dsis,the budget he gave me was 450k needing a small mortgage. We involved my family in viewings. It was more nonsense. We couldn't even get a mortgage.
For the most part we bob along,but he just goes into a bubble quite often. It as if I & ds don't exist. Not ignoring but like we are actually not even there.
For a special birthday I got nothing,no card nothing. Nothing for any occasion really. I have booked to work Mother's Day so we don't row.
There must be more to life than this for ds & I. I have begged him to leave before,he refuses point blank.
Feel absolutely downtrodden.

Reality Thu 28-Feb-13 21:16:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:22:21

My family are supportive but also logistically it's not an option.
They take everything he says with a pinch of salt after getting taken in with the lies.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:23:10

I don't understand your post

Are you still trying to find a way to stay with him, or appeal to his (non existent) better nature and ask him to move out ?

Why would you do either of those things

This man is Walter Mitty personified. How utterly humiliating it must be, to know that all the people around you know that your H is a complete fantasist and you go along with every new peabrained voyage of self delusion he chooses to take you on

get off the merry go round, for God's sake

leave him

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:23:13

It's my flat. I pay mortgage.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:24:11

Sorry if I'm not making sense.

Lueji Thu 28-Feb-13 21:25:59

You don't beg him to leave.

You leave yourself, or arrange for him to be made to leave.
First thing, talk to a solicitor.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:26:47

If it's your place, can you change the locks while he's out?

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:27:46

it's your place, and he has no claim on it ?

not too sure about that, if you are married

have you taken legal advice ?

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:27:59

I can't change locks legally.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:28:12

He does sound personality disordered and he is clearly making your life hell with his antics. Might be worth checking the legality of what I just suggested. blush

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:28:30

Ah. x-post!

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:29:07

Hitch up your skirts and run like the wind.

The lying alone would be enough to break the marriage vows for me OP sad The rest of it sounds like he has all the hallmarks of an abusive fuckwit sorry.

Have you ever had any relationship counselling with him? What were the concerns of the midwife at the time? Are your family and friends supportive of you and ds if you were to leave?

Reality Thu 28-Feb-13 21:33:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:34:02

I had a different midwife as at my first mw check at 12ish weeks,I told her I was really upset & that he didn't want the baby. Think they were concerned it was a DV situation. Not to upset anyone,I know dv is horrific but that would be simpler in some ways,more tangible.
He doesn't see his other children. He would never have told me about them sad

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:34:13

You can't live like this. You can't keep shielding how bad he really is from the rest of the world

It's ok to stop now.

Take legal advice, split your assets as the law sees fit and cut your losses before he wrecks your support network and destroys you

it's on the cards, I am afaraid

Is his name on the deeds? If not kick him the fuck out. He sounds awful, you need rid.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:36:31

I just don't know how I'd physically manage with working full time (shifts) with ds. Family are nowhere local.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:38:49

Speak to your employer.

Research child care in your area.

Take advice from someone who knows what they are talking about, instead of second-guessing

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:39:13

You poor thing, but Reality is right.

You need to get out of your marriage for your sake and your ds.

Once the burden is lifted you will feel the strength return to you. Its so tiring dealing with a person like this in your life. You shouldn't have to 'handle' your marriage, it should enrich your life, not suck the life out of you.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 21:43:26

AF has it bang on as usual. This cannot go on can it? It really sounds as if in splitting up you will not be "losing" anything but gaining everything. He sounds like an unmitigated disaster. You have been through enough already, he ignores you and Ds anyway. That is not a relationship, it is dreadful.

What do you think his reaction will be when you tell him you need him to leave OP? Do you feel safe doing that?

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:43:39

Ds goes to nursery 5 mins from work. There is no equity in the property.
He has gone to bed at before 630 the last few nights. Don't know if it's depression or bipolar or he's in fact just bloody odd.
Found his ex on Fb. She doesn't look the type to have had an affair.
Mum says to bide my time until ds goes to school.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:44:02

You'll manage I promise. Thousands of us do smile

Everything is easier once you have made the decision and gone. I might not seem possible, but it will be. I took two weeks off sick when I kicked my EA fuckwit ex in to touch and separated, would that be possible for you? Your GP will most likely sign you off with stress if you explain. Its not a cop out, its necessary to regain some of the control you have lost over your own sense of self.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:44:13

You would be able to get out there and socialise like you used to.

You would know where you stood - financially, emotionally, and you would know what's real and what's not.

I'm guessing you'd feel more energised and able to tackle practical difficulties as a result.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:44:57

I've asked him to leave more times than I can remember in person,text,email. It's as if I haven't said it.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:47:21

The signs are all there op. He is trying to wear you down by ignoring you. He is emotionally abusing you.
Have you ever asked why he doesn't see his children?

suburbophobe Thu 28-Feb-13 21:47:47

LTB!

You can do it!

I did.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:47:53

You say DV would be easier to deal with - but this IS emotional and psychological abuse.

Have you looked into your legal rights for kicking him out, though? Citizens Advice, maybe?

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:48:28

I called the police & asked them to remove him after a row. They suggested he go & stay in a hotel. I couldn't sleep or relax when he went. He isn't rational.

Pack his bags and send him off into the night. He won't listen so you have to act on it. Take his keys away or change the locks.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:50:38

He did long flowery talking about his children when I took him back. It was a few days before my due date,I just wanted my family. My husband & baby.
I know I sound weak.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 21:50:45

I think you need some advice about how to do this. If it has got to the point where you have had to ask the police to remove him from the house and you are worried about what he might do you need some help with this. I feel for you a great deal OP, this is a horrible situation. You must be feeling so stressed.

Fairenuff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:52:18

Get a solicitor to do a thorough check to see if he has been married before. If he had two children that didn't know about, he could also have a wife. This would make your marriage null and void and you woudn't even have to divorce him. Worth a shot don't you think?

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 21:52:50

No, you don't sound weak. You are in a really difficult situation. You sound like you know this is terrible but don't know quite how to get out of it but you have come here to ask and there are so many very wise people that will help to support you. It sounds like your family, although they are far away are supportive too. Could some of them come and be present when this happens?

kittybiscuits Thu 28-Feb-13 21:55:03

He sounds horrendous OP. Are you thinking of contacting his ex? Would it help you if she told you he was the same with her? Would it help you to know that it's him and not you? Although you already know that really, sometimes when someone else confirms it, it makes a difference.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:56:13

Where we got married (overseas) they check if you've told facts on marriage application.
Family have come to help before but tbh I think they are kind of over it.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:56:34

He isn't rational

You cannot rationalise with an irrational person, nor reason with the unreasonable.
A lovely counsellor helped me to understand this.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:57:41

I've thought about it. My mum says she can't believe I haven't contacted her.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 22:01:43

You don't sound weak OP. You sound worn out. Two very different things.

I also thought my family and friends were 'over it'. I had almost stopped talking about it out of fear of boring them with my troubles. Turns out the only thing they were over was him.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 22:05:46

Do you mean that she can't belive you haven't asked for her help op? My parents were scared of making my home life worse for me and dc by interfering. After all, I put up with his shit for years.
I felt like I was slowly losing everyone close to me at the time. Very alone and afraid. Once I'd made my mind up and told them all though, the support was overwhelming.
Your family will have been watching him destroy you slowly. Even if from a distance.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 22:06:20

It's the practicalities. Money,how I'd manage the nursery run (don't drive),how I'd manage my jobs & actually just what he'd do.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 22:08:44

They accept him but don't trust or like him at all.
He has lied to them all. He won't leave,it'll be so messy,so hard.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 22:09:15

Btw thank you all for your very kind words.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 22:11:01

I have called the police about 3 or 4 times as the rows were escalating & I was scared. Would that be on record?

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 22:14:49

Tbh I felt the same, and I did manage to pass my test before the final death rattle of 'us' which was a massive help.

I was proper skint though. Really on my arse. I took alll the help offered, worked two jobs for a while and kept communication open with the people I owed money too (househld bills as well as debt - I couldn't pay much of anything for a while.)
Tax credits came through after about 8 weeks and the lump some (8 weeks worth all in one go) helped to ease me through the cash crisis. Funnily enough I earn a lot more now I have the freedom to make my own decisions.

Do you have a secure job? One which would still pay you for a short period of sickness/re-adjustment?

Start putting feelers out for any child care reciprocal arrangements, but I know it must be hard. I DID wait until youngest dc was in school though. Like you, I honestly didn't think I could cope financially etc on my own.

When I look back my only regret is not getting out sooner.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 22:19:42

Yes - it'll be on police records. might help expedite a divorce? I wasn't married so not sure about how that works though.

I know its not right to simply kick someone out, but it sounds as though you are getting to the stage where you will have to.

Try and think of a plan, I used to spend hours planning things. Getting out of an abusive relationship can seem like a fanatsy daydream. BUT, it is 2013 and you are (I assume) in the UK.

You and ds will not starve or freeze and nor will he.

Im starting to agree with the poster who said to get the locks changed. I'd be inclined to think fuck the legality of it, worry about that after you've got rid. Things seem clearer when you chuck out the oppressor.

searching4serenity Thu 28-Feb-13 22:20:38

Sending virtual support....

Life can be better than this...!!

Where there's a will there's a way... Can you relocate nearer to your parents (in the long-term?)... Just a thought.

Could you find a lodger to help you pay mortgage if you took it on by yourself? You can earn so much this way without paying tax I believe... Also just an idea...

searching4serenity Thu 28-Feb-13 22:21:03

Not sure about the rows/police angle...

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 22:23:59

I pay the mortgage. All mortgage etc in my name. I didn't take his name when I married.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 22:24:59

It's nursery that is crippling money wise. Couldn't manage them & everything by myself.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 22:34:02

You'll get tax credits to help with nursery if you earn under about £25k I believe. Find out what you'd be entitled to using tax credits calculator here taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Can you change hours at work at all? Maybe condensing hours or some work from home? All things to consider and ask before ruling out.

I'm not trying to be flippant, just giving you pause for thought I hope. I sounded exactly as you do when I was in your shoes.

Talk to WOmen's Aid, OP. You will be able to put him out of the house and get a court order preventing him from returning and they will guide you through every step of doing so. Don't waste any more time or energy on trying to make this useless unpleasant man behave like a reasonable person, because he won't.

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 06:47:29

Some of the problem is not having any support locally. I work late shifts twice a week til 10pm,I couldn't actually do my job with no one to look after ds.
Someone said make a plan. I think I need to be thinking very carefully about how to do this for the best. It just seems insurmountable right now as I feel so exhausted. Ds doesn't sleep for more than about 2-3 hours ever. I do all the night wakings with him,the housework,I'm in a management role so need to be switched on at work then dealing with husband.
Thank you for all advice.

ThingummyBob Fri 01-Mar-13 09:11:30

Just came on to see how you are doing today OP.

Keep thnking, and as SGB said, contact womens aid if you can. They may be able to offer practical advice.
If nothing else, call some CMs in your area and ask about suitable babysitters they may know who you could employ for evening shifts etc.

It is possible, but you probably can't see the wood for the trees whilever you are living with a useless selfish arse.

Talk it through as an actual plan with anyone you can. The more you do this, the more it will become clearer what you need to do.

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 09:17:07

I have been looking at driving lessons. I have never wanted to drive but it's a big level of control that he has. If I want to visit family,I rely on him. I get taxis home from my late shifts which costs me almost £200 a month.
He would feel really unsettled by that I think.

unclefluffy Fri 01-Mar-13 09:21:29

Just on a practical level, have you talked to any of the nursery staff about whether they would take on extra work? I know some of the staff at my DC's nursery clock off at the nursery but then take over as babysitters, taking kids home and putting them to bed etc. It would cost, of course, but it might make it possible for you to continue with your current role.

Good luck OP. You're stronger than you think.

Lemonylemon Fri 01-Mar-13 09:37:43

Instead of nursery, how about a childminder? They would then take your DS to nursery for the free sessions when he's entitled to them. You would also get tax credit for child care. You may be able to find a suitable childminder on www.childcare.co.uk.

Get information from your local council too; Women's Aid; Sure Start. Anywhere where you can get info from.

To be honest, if your H dropped dead tomorrow, you'd have to cope on your own, so don't worry about coping.... Your family don't sound particularly supportive, which I think is some of your problem. They appear to have just shrugged their shoulders about your H. Would/could they help you out while you get rid of him? Because you do need to get rid....

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 09:42:47

Him dropping dead would be too simple. That sounds really harsh doesn't it? blush

Helltotheno Fri 01-Mar-13 10:02:43

No it doesn't sound harsh. You're living with a deeply unlikeable pathological liar... who'd blame you for wishing the worst on him?

Not much I can suggest except do try and get some real life support and do, absolutely get driving lessons. The sense of freedom that will give you will be huge.

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 10:17:36

Don't rule out the fact that he might not be divorce, just because you married abroad. Unless you have actually seen the original Decree Absolute (not the Decree Nisi and not a photocopy) don't believe it, for now.

Who's idea was it to get married abroad? Did you know he'd been married before?

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 10:20:01

He wasn't married before. He lived with a woman for years & they had two children. The children do have his surname.
I have just applied for my driving licence,a small step but I feel quite giddy!

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 10:21:46

With regard to the marrying abroad,we went on holiday & went back the next year to get married. As part of the process there they check if you've ever married,if you are in fact not divorced etc.

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 10:22:52

If there is no equity in the property, there is nothing for him to claim. Once he's gone, would you have room for an au pair or mother's help, to help in the evenings?

BTW, if he already has 2 children he never sees, be prepared to never see him again.

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 10:23:18

I have looked at his ex on Fb & she says single. Don't know that you'd say divorced though.

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 10:25:26

I don't have room for au pair etc,it's a small flat.
I would be prepared for that. He seems to compartmentalise his life. He has said his parents are dead,but we've never visited a grave etc. I suspect they are probably still alive.

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 10:27:33

Excellent news about the driving licence!

How do you know he wasn't married? I think you must take what he says with a pinch of salt, until you have checked.

If you feel up to contacting his ex, ask her. Or you can check via the General Records Office. It's very difficult for a lay person to check if someone is divorced, so would be very difficult for an overseas organisation to do so.

I'm not saying you are wrong, just that with his history of compulsive lying, don't bet the farm on anything he says.

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 10:30:38

In a rural area I bet there are quite a few college age girls/older ladies looking to earn a bit of extra cash for babysitting. A card in the local shop would maybe be a place to start?

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 10:31:48

Maybe an older lady with grown up children? She'd know about bedtime/bath time routines etc.

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 10:33:10

God,now I'm really wondering if they were married.

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 10:44:37

Don't worry too much about it. If they were married and aren't divorced, it saves you the cost of a divorce. Police would be interested - bigamy is a crime.

If they weren't married - you are in the same situation you'd always thought you were.

But, knowledge is power. If you get the correct information/knowledge via reliable sources (ie not him!) you have the power.

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 10:58:28

Just had a look online,I can order certificates but as I don't know if they actually married etc I don't know.
The thing is I could cope with him being odd if he was in fact nice. He isn't though & therein is the problem.

ThingummyBob Fri 01-Mar-13 11:00:48

Good for you OP re the driving licence application. Maybe get yourself a theory test book/dvd at the weekend and start to learn it. It might help you feel you are doing something positive while all the rest is still whirring round in your head smile

I wonder if you should contact the ex via fb then maybe? Just an introduction type thing maybe? Your dc's are half siblings so there is your conversation starter if you wanted to contact her. Infact, I'd start some digging about the parents too If I were you.

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 11:15:32

I have access, through my work, to birth marriage and death records. I'm not sure how recent the records are that I can access, but if you want to PM me with his full name and hers (or the name she uses on Facebook) I'll have a go.

Might not work, but worth a try?

Lemonylemon Fri 01-Mar-13 11:25:41

"Him dropping dead would be too simple. That sounds really harsh doesn't it?"

Not really, you're incredibly frustrated by it all.

BUT: You would have to cope on your own if he did, so you could cope if he was still alive. You don't have to listen to him anymore. You gather all the information you need to do this; stash important documents away out of the house; and tell yourself you don't need him and that you CAN do this on your own.

NeopreneMermaid Fri 01-Mar-13 11:34:15

Like AF said, you need advice. If it's a less scary starting point than going straight to a solicitor, you could try your local SureStart Centre. Mine has been amazing with advice on just about everything (although I admit not a situation like this for me personally, but I've met other parents who get support for childcare, family, relationship, single parenting and legal issues).

Lemonylemon Fri 01-Mar-13 11:42:59

I've taken the liberty of lifting a shedload of resources from a post by Olgaga:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children’s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) – not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Hope this all helps

oldwomaninashoe Fri 01-Mar-13 11:44:47

Gosh he sounds like my friends ExH. He was a compulsive liar too. In the end he was believing his own lies, it didn't end well.
However although her family had distanced themselves from her and him while they were together, they were very supportive of her and her Dc's once they split, as were her friends.
You find him difficult and odd, so probably do your nearest and dearest, I'm sure they would help you and be supportive when you are on your own

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 13:52:26

Thank you for all that information. I am at home today with ds. He came home (which he does occasionally) & fell asleep for about an hour & half. He slept for 13 hours last night. This is strange isn't it?
Seabright very kindly did some research & it appears he wasn't married so that's one thing done.

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 13:58:02

What reason did he give you for lying about the existence of his two children?

I am just interested in what possible positive spin anyone could ever justify that with

Seabright Fri 01-Mar-13 14:05:07

I know, AF, how could you ever forget to mention something like that?

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 14:27:01

I basically did some investigating during my horrible pregnancy. I asked what names he had thought of & suggested the two he had used already. Nothing,no reaction. It ended in a huge row with me screaming at him & him up in my face. I called the police sobbing pleading for help. They came,he turned on the charm & they left. They told him to give me a little space. My bil came to get me & everything for the baby.
I refused to talk to him for a day & he bombarded me with emails & texts. He said she had had an affair & whilst they tried to make a go of it afterwards,he was too hurt. He said he knew it was selfish but he couldn't stay & walked away,leaving the house,car & a lump sum.
I tried to encourage him to contact them several times,he refused.
If I had known before getting married,he would have been gone.
In his eyes,I think they have gone off into a compartment.
He was early 40s when he left,he is now 50. I can sense the dissatisfaction coming off him in waves.

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 16:50:36

He simply walked away from his kids and then lied about their existence

What kind of person does that confused

Feelingpissedoff Fri 01-Mar-13 16:56:24

A shit. A compulsive liar. My husband.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 01-Mar-13 17:56:52

This sounds truly, truly awful. I feel for you so much.

I wonder if talking to Women's Aid would help? They can help with making a plan.

It may take a while but you can get your life back.

Feelingpissedoff Sat 02-Mar-13 17:10:20

Just checking in. I feel like I have the biggest secret but it's just that I know I am starting to plan for a new life. It may take me sometime but I can't continue. It'll never be better.
As we came in today the children ftom the road were all playing on bikes & waving at ds who waved back but looked sad he wasn't playing too. Husband doesn't have a good relationship with the neighbours & that goes for the children too sad

NeopreneMermaid Sun 03-Mar-13 11:49:16

Thanks for checking in. I've been thinking about you. Sounds as though your neighbours might have clocked your dh for what he is but even if he has alienated them, can you and ds still be social? Esp as the children seem to want to play with your ds. And even more esp if he's about to be off the scene.

Just taking ds out to play might help you to feel less isolated. wdyt?

Feelingpissedoff Mon 04-Mar-13 08:39:26

Feel drained today sad
I worked all weekend,up all night with ds who doesn't like sleeping beyond a few hours,did a bit of housework all whilst he just ignored me. I'd ask a question,he would whisper an answer or nod. I asked if he wanted dinner & he shrugged. I basically said I'm not cooking if you are going to let me cook it then fuck off to bed. So he fucked off to bed.
Today I start late due to my shift. He made himself toast,none for ds (he has breakfast at nursery) so I asked if he would get him there for breakfast. He started sniping about them serving it til 11,er no you idiot,it's breakfast. So I gave ds breakfast all whilst being very singsongy & over perky.
I wanted him to go so I asked why he's so unhappy & perhaps he should go to see a dr,not because I care but because I wanted him to go & he wouldn't want all the questioning.
Sorry for the probably incoherent he said,she said.
I don't know how long I can stick it,feel at my wits end. It feels just like there is just so much to do & I don't know where to even begin.

Feelingpissedoff Mon 04-Mar-13 16:00:28

Feeling very low today. Just seems such a lot to think of & do to get rid.

yellowbrickrd Mon 04-Mar-13 16:23:20

Thing is, if you do those things eventually you will come to the end and be free. If you don't do them you will have to go on and on living this nightmare.

Can you get any time off work - compassionate leave or similar? You can't function properly with broken nights, demanding job and massive emotional stress so taking some time off would at least help to lighten that load.

Feelingpissedoff Mon 04-Mar-13 17:48:43

I know. To be honest work is my release. I am the manager & so I am in control here,it is easier than being at home.
I need to make some lists,that's how I work best,silly but true.
I just can't see the wood for the trees.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 17:58:23

I would do lists too. At work, so he can't access.

It is horrible, but come back for support here. And try the thread on emotionally abusive relationships, maybe?

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