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Old boyfriend wants to try again

(48 Posts)
SpeckledBird Wed 27-Feb-13 16:59:08

NCer for this thread smile

I bumped into an old boyfriend a few months and we've been spending time together as friends before any of you get any ideas. We still get on really well, and there's definitely a spark between us. ExB gets on really well with DS and it's been really nice having him around again.

The problem is, ExB wants us to try again. I would love to, but it ended really badly last time around (nothing nasty, just lots of heartache on both sides) and I don't want to risk that. Also, if we were to split up, I'd be losing him as a friend, and he's just too important for me to lose him from my life now he's back in it.

ExH (very amicable split 5 years ago, I've not been involved with anyone since) has met ExB, likes him and has told me he thinks I should take a chance, telling me that he knows ExB was the great love of my life.

Should I risk it? Would we be trying to recreate something that ended years ago?

TWinklyLittleStar Wed 27-Feb-13 17:02:52

Why did you split up last time?

ILoveBagels Wed 27-Feb-13 17:11:10

I think it hinges on the reasons you ended last time tbh. i know there was heartache, but that's to be expected when a relationship ends.

pictish Wed 27-Feb-13 17:13:01

Why did you split? That's quite important.

Locketjuice Wed 27-Feb-13 17:13:09

This could end so romantically!

ILoveBagels Wed 27-Feb-13 17:13:19

sorry, posted too soon. i meant to also ask if you have any insight why you ended and if you can see any positive changes (in either of you) which would prevent this happening again?

other than that - go with your instincts.

SpeckledBird Wed 27-Feb-13 17:15:13

He believed something he was told about me, which wasn't true, and split up with me, refused to talk to me etc. When I managed to get him to listen to me, he was mortified and wanted to try again, but I told him to sod off as I was angry he'd believed it in the first place (we were both quite young, it was the first Big Serious Relationship for both of us).

ILoveBagels Wed 27-Feb-13 17:34:23

are you being pushed for a decision? it seems to me that this is the type of thing that will become clearer with time, one way it another.

Bitofadviceplease Wed 27-Feb-13 17:43:34

Go for it or you'll live with regrets & 'what if's'

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Wed 27-Feb-13 17:45:02

Why not just say you don't know, you're willing to go on dates but take it really slowly?

IMO whether you do or don't get back together, he isn't a friend now anyway as he has killed off any pretence it is platonic.

SpeckledBird Wed 27-Feb-13 18:10:51

He's not pushing me for a decision at all, has just said that we both know how we feel about each other (true) and that he thinks we ought to try again. TBH if we go out for a drink it feels like being on a date, just without anything physical happening smile I'm trying very hard not to flirt with him to avoid giving him mixed messages, but we both know we're attracted to each other.

If we were to take it any further it would be very slowly, because of DS (although DS has referred to ExB as 'Mum's boyfriend' quite a few times now and I have to correct him with '*EX*boyfriend)'.

OverlyYappy Wed 27-Feb-13 18:16:04

From what I have read you shouldn't try to recreate something that ended years ago you as it didn't work, you could however create a whole new reltionship which work this time.

I say take it very slow but also go for it, you will always wonder 'what if' if you don't.

If you were young and silly last time (and it sounds like young-and-silly break up) then it's worth at least giving it a try. IF you had broken up because of violence/manipulative behaviour, or because one of you had a drug or alcohol problem I would say be more cautious, but I think you have more to gain by giving it a go than you have to lose. Good luck, anyway.

Kione Wed 27-Feb-13 18:55:05

give it a try and good luck! smile

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 19:06:49

Have you talked about what happened last time? How do you know that he has matured sufficiently to not behave like that again? (am I right in thinking the two of you were just kids at that time?)

If he has grown up, and you like him, then would it really be so scary to take a chance? Clearly he hurt you, but you've let him part way back in and it sounds like it's fear that's keeping you from doing what it actually sounds like you want to do.

Who was it who said regret the things you did (in life) and not the things you didn't do...

It's good advice, I think.

If you lose a friend, that would be sad. If you never take a chance on love, that's sadder.

I have made myself feel a little queasy now, with the hearts and flowers. I'm going to need to go and kick someone or something. wink

SpeckledBird Wed 27-Feb-13 19:13:26

Hmm. Plenty to think about. We've both grown up a lot since those days (it was twenty odd years ago), and it could work. It was definitely a young and silly break up though. I think I'm just hesitant because I'd forgotten how well we fitted together. Changing things means letting my guard down.

SpeckledBird Wed 27-Feb-13 19:18:12

Sorry Hecate, crossposted - yes, very young, he was early twenties, I was a few years younger. Not dripfeeding, but at the time we were living together, and he walked out on me.

We have talked about it, a lot, he's very apologetic about it all, said he wanted to get back in touch years ago, but felt too guilty, and wasn't sure if reappearing in my life would cause me more upset. I believe he's telling the truth.

tinkertitonk Wed 27-Feb-13 20:49:41

I might be projecting my own feelings here (gosh, that never happens on this forum) but: go for it.

SpeckledBird Thu 28-Feb-13 12:00:32

Blimey, a consensus on MN grin

I'll be seeing him again this weekend when DS is with exH, so maybe, just maybe, I might possibly agree very tentatively to trying again. Perhaps. He makes me feel so happy you see!

Go for it, go for it, go for it!
And keep us all informed of how it goes <nosy>

SpeckledBird Thu 28-Feb-13 20:48:43

Absolutely Peppa! I hate it when you never find out how things end up after the thread fades away (I am also a very nosy person. Thank heavens for MN where we can cheerfully admit this).

LittleEdie Fri 01-Mar-13 01:24:27

A happy thread! (smile)

LittleEdie Fri 01-Mar-13 01:24:51

Damn! smile

Walkacrossthesand Fri 01-Mar-13 02:16:12

IME (observed, not personal), relationships that ran aground when the protagonists were young, seem very often to be successful when there's an opportunity to try again years down the line. As a longterm singleton post-divorce, I only wish I had an old flame to re-appear like everyone else I exaggerate seems to - sigh!

OverlyYappy Fri 01-Mar-13 09:59:52

I had one re-appeared via me stalking on facebook It was strange, it was 20 years ago for us too, he looked very old. grin It was nice to see him again though. Too many problems for us, we both have stalking ex's he has died once, and re-learnt how to walk/talk/eat etc I have been in abusive relationship and have PTSD and we have 5 Dc between us, so it's too messy, I may look him up again in another few years though.

Best of luck OP.

SpeckledBird Fri 01-Mar-13 22:39:56

Crikey Overly. I think you should try it though wink

Walkacross I think maybe it's because the old flame reminds you of who you once were, before children, before adulthood. And although you can't go back, it's like a wake up call - you were once a person in your own right, not just an extension of your kids. That's how I feel, anyway. It's like he knows the real me, from way back, but also me as I am now, and he likes both parts.

Waah! Going out for dinner with ExB tomorrow night. I'm not sure what will happen, but thankyouthankyouthankyou for telling me what I should have known.

SpeckledBird Sat 02-Mar-13 21:09:44

I am in the toilets of nice foodie pub. He is being lovely. I am taking a breather to get my head together and introduce the idea of us trying again. Really bloody nervous! WAHHH!

BOF Sat 02-Mar-13 21:12:27

Good luck!

BOF Sat 02-Mar-13 21:13:07

(And your ex-husband sounds like a nice chap!)

rubyrubyruby Sat 02-Mar-13 21:14:20

Good Luck x

Ooooh, so glad i checked in here, being a nosy bitch and all.
Hope all goes well tonight!

(...and be sure to update wink)

thegreylady Sat 02-Mar-13 21:34:45

This one sounds right you know smile

SpeckledBird Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:28

He's gone to the loo now. Still not talked. But lots of loveliness. And yes, BOF, exH is vair lovely - thoroughly decent chap, brilliant dad, just not the man for me, he has happily remarried. Right, I WILL DO THIS. I WILL. And I promise to update!

BOF Sat 02-Mar-13 21:50:14

<clicks Watch> grin

elfycat Sat 02-Mar-13 22:31:14

<refreshes between crochet rows>

looks like I need to live vicariously huh?

SpeckledBird Sun 03-Mar-13 07:58:21


Err, ok, well... We had a lovely evening at nice foodie pub, despite me sweating lots and burbling on about nothing for most of the evening. When it was time to leave I still hadn't said anything and was mentally facepalming myself for it. So he walked me home, I asked him in for a drink and dragged the conversation round to our previous relationship in a 'Do you remember the time when...?' type stylee... And we chatted about that for a bit...

And then he said how much he'd missed me. I said I'd missed him too, but maybe we didn't need to miss each other so much in the future? And he totally didn't understand what I was saying at all so that went well. I had to leave the room to refresh our glasses and give myself a stern talking to and when I came back in I just blurted out in the most direct and unromantic manner that yes, we should try again.

His face! God, I want to replay the moment when he realised what I was saying for ever and ever and ever and ever... We snogged lots, and cuddled on the sofa and then fell asleep. Luckily I woke up first, so I was able to go to the loo and wipe the crusty dribble off my chin (saliva, I know how your minds work) before I woke him up. He's just left, but we're going to go for a walk in the countryside this afternoon before lovely exH brings DS back.

I love you Mumsnetters. I bloody love you. thanks

Chigley1 Sun 03-Mar-13 08:59:12

How lovely, that's great news!

Exactly the same happened to me, been married 10 years now! smile

Just be careful. "he was early twenties"
That was not really very young. He behaved appallingly. Walking out on you when you were living together, believing rumors rather than you, and then refusing to let you explain. Stonewalling you?

To be honest, you need to talk about him about what happened then. And get reassurance that this wont happen again. I personally think this is quite a biggie, and I would not try again. I would not touch with a bargepole! But too late for that as you have let the romantic notions of strangers on the internet sway you, even if they dont know the full story....

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 09:16:15

Sorry Quint I didn't realise you knew the OP and her situation so well and she was to wait on your advice, then follow it, sorry.

It looks like she had a lovely time anyway. Glad it went well OP

Aw, just found this postsmile

Hope it works out for you this time around, speckled. I think somebody somewhere mentioned taking it slowly? I agree.

Let us know how it pans outthanks

You dont have to be snippy overly, nor rude. I did not know you had decided opinions were no longer sought, I must have missed that memo!

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 11:17:45

No memo Quint, the OP has told him she is going to try again.

That is all I was saying, another way would have been:

It's a bit late now, she has told him and they are going out again today after their date last night.

Sorry I may be a bit snippy today but didn't mean to be rude to you.

and I told her to be careful and talk to him about what happened then. Not sure why that should have been censored.

Anyway. smile

The ops story came out in drips and drabs, and only towards the end did she say WHAT he did. I think that was quite significant, it was not just a childish and immature young and silly breakup. It was a man who walked out, after hearing people badmouthing his partner, and rather than standing up for her, or asking her what happened, he walked out and refused to talk. I dont think this was a silly youth thing at all! Especially not past teenage years!

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 12:04:00

No, reading back I agree they should talk over him leaving her a bit more thb.

Hopefully that will come. I am genuinely sorry at how I came across, must learn to wake fully before opening laptop screen smile

Thats ok, I do it all the time! grin

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 13:33:59

Thanks! grin I've been quite good since December, woke up in a proper stop today feeling sorry for self, MN never the best place to go when you feel like that.

SpeckledBird Sun 03-Mar-13 21:25:53

Without going into the details Quint, it was members of my highly dysfunctional and toxic family who spoke to him all those years ago. And in the best traditions of manipulative bastards, they told him lies with enough truth thrown in to make it sound plausible. That doesn't excuse what he did of course, I've told him he was a tosser many times and he fully accepts that. We have talked about it a lot - in fact the first time we bumped into each other ended with me shouting at him and telling him to fuck off in front of a lot of people blush But he didn't, because he wanted to apologise and try to put things right between us.

We are going to take things very, very slowly, not just for me to feel sure but also because of DS who is the most important person in all of this.

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