Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trust

(59 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Wed 27-Feb-13 13:56:45

Hi
I have been married for 18 years, I would say the world thinks my husband is a lovely caring man who will do anything for anyone including myself and our children.
5 years ago I thought something was odd after I heard from my son that his dad had a new mobile phone which he only brought out while I was at work and when I asked my hubby about it he denied it until I caught him pulling out from his sock one day. He assured me it was harmless and with doubt and no proof I plodded on.
A month later I found out after he had a motor bike holiday "alone" he had actual been away with a lady and another couple , as friends. Again I had no proof, we did split up for short periods but I couldn't get my head round his denials and him bring this nice bloke made things more difficult to make the break properly though my heart lived in Limbo.
A friend told me that on one of our separations my husband approached her on Match.com , I felt I couldn't say anything as we had broken up then. After then I regularly checked the history of our PC and match.com came up a few times until 2 years ago I found proof he had joined claiming he was single at the same time I found old blogs he had written on a forum discussing the motor bike holiday he went on with "friends" describing the person he went with 5 years ago as his girlfriend.
Here I was faced with 2 things, hubby had joined a dating site and I had also stumbled on old posts he had written a few years before describing his girlfriend to the world when he was married and sleeping with me,,,,,, at the same time as I stumbled over these two different betrayals of trust I was waiting to have a Byopsy on a tumour. I wrote my hubby a letter after I got the all clear telling him what I knew and he came up with all sorts of excuses, it was an old account, the forum blogs were jokes, I didn't know what to believe.
Last year match.com came up in an old joint email , he joined again but no activity to go by, that was Aug 12.
Today I am mixed up, I tend not to stew over what happened but I just can't trust him and u find I can't move on properly with my life and because its all in the past I feel I have no right to be so selfish feeling betrayed and not trusting my hubby,, he lies about money too and after u pay off his overdraft if £1,500 he builds it up in no time at all and if u mention it I look like the nagging wife..... Are there other women in the same boat , how did you cope and what did you do??
Am I just holding on to the past betrayals or am I right not to trust him after so many betrayal ?

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 14:02:24

No trust, no relationship

He's had a lot of chances hasn't he ? A lot of chances to lie...and he took every single one (and there will be lots more you simply don't know about)

He is a serial player and cannot be trusted with money

This is no life for you. There are lots of men out there who are nothing like this. Get rid of him.

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 14:04:55

I wouldn't trust him at all and I'm astonished that you're even questioning why you don't. He has evidently been serially unfaithful to you (physically, emotionally and financially) and it sounds as though numerous other people know this, including your son.

What do you get from this relationship now?. What keeps you within this?. Fear, shame, a sense of having "failed" when it comes to marriage, embarrassment?.

As AF rightly states no trust = no relationship.

Its a terrible role model of a marriage for your children to possibly go onto emulate themselves. What have you both taught these young people about relationships?.

You don't need another 18 months of this let alone another 18 years. He is not worthy of you.

thepixiefrog Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:16

What has he done to earn back your trust? How has he shown that he values you and your relationship? Has the responsibility to fix things been placed on you alone?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:35

shock you are asking if you are right not to trust him after so many betrayals?!

I would have got rid of him a long time ago.

xxdriftwoodxx Wed 27-Feb-13 15:40:20

I was a 30 year old widow when I met my husband, I think that this is my 2nd marriage does make me feel a bit of a failure.
I find I live day to day with my H as though nothing happened and u try to get by. Each time I found he was on match.com he dismisses it and turns it round on me for snooping and i guess that makes me feel as guilty. My H,s veiw is I need to move on which was what I did after u found out about his affair 5 years ago but each year since something else crops up and when I present facts too him, I listen to myself and think I sound like the nagging miserable wife looking for problems . I think my mind has lost all perspective , . The other day I mentioned after a glass if wine that u couldn't trust him, his defence is, why what have I done, I am doing nothing wrong, and when I mention he opened a Match.com account last Aug12 he says dint be silly that was an old account. I feel I am the one with the problem even though I keep it under wraps at time but I feel as though I am the one with issues not him!

Xales Wed 27-Feb-13 16:17:23

What is to trust in a man who tells his wife he is holidaying alone when he is doing so with a girlfriend.

It wouldn't have been platonic please consider a trip to an STI clinic.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 17:55:29

You were a widow when you met him

Oh my goodness love, you have been targeted by a cocklodger.

You are being gaslighted and emotionally abused by him

if you are not aware of the meaning of any of those terms, google them and you will see this despicable man described before your very eyes

Does he work ? Who pays off his overdraft...him or you ?...just for him to run up debts again

I strongly suggest you get rid of him before you lose all your 1) self respect, 2) the respect of those around you and, 3) money

I would wager once your money is gone, he will dump you anyway. He is already lining up your replacement. I am sorry to be so very harsh, cold and unforgiving, but you need to wake up and do it quickly.

Doha Wed 27-Feb-13 18:05:18

Get rid.

No trust= no relationship. The trust sailed out of tgis relationship many moons ago. Remember you are not the failure he is.

izzyizin Wed 27-Feb-13 21:40:33

Holding on to past betrayals? His betrayals are not past - they're ongoing.

As for you thinking you're being selfish for not trusting him, what's to trust? He's proved time and time again that he's an untrustworthy, self-entitled, and wholly selfish adulterer who doesn't give a flying fuck for you or for your feelings.

Kick this sleazebag out of your home and get yourself checked for stis at your nearest GUM clinic as soon as possible, honey.

You deserve a lot better than this.

LittleEdie Wed 27-Feb-13 21:51:05

He thinks it's no big deal to be on Match.com when he's previously been unfaithful?

You seem to keep believing him, or telling yourself that you do and I can't see why.

I wouldn't worry about the 'failure' aspect. It would surely be a worse failure to put up with this.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 27-Feb-13 22:20:39

Crikey, why on earth do you think you might be being "selfish"? Are you kidding? This man cannot be trusted AT ALL. He has lied to you over and over again. He has cheated on you, even gone on holiday with another woman, joined a dating site claiming to be single and approached a good friend of yours!!!!

He is awful. I don't care how "lovely and caring" other people think he is. They certainly wouldn't if they knew what he was really like. You must not put up with this crap.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 22:27:51

OP has melted away sad

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 08:33:10

It's hard to paint a proper picture and I guess the reason I am searching other people's opinions.
Everything that happened has been over the past nearly 5 years from him taking someone away with him. I found out who the women was and she just laughed when I said she was having an affair with my husband, she swore on her sons life she hadn't and u guess I began to doubt my own judgement in all of this and between the pair if them I felt like I was being some unreasonable nagging wife . But obviously this kept eating away at me until 2 years ago when I found that at the time of the affair and before he took her away he had been writing on a forum about taking his" brown side kick" " OTT girlfriend" , his last post was written two weeks after I found out and that was an apology to the forum members for not getting to a forum meeting that was at this biking holiday the post was" sorry didn't get to the meeting til late, had to tuck the girlfriend in bed as she had too much to drink! It was 5 years ago he took her and 2 years ago that I found the posts, the affair was over but at the same time as I found the old posts I found he had joined match.com. On match.com he had sent quizzes to 5 women but notes up with any.
It seems I find out along time after events and then I don't feel justified to act, if I mention it to him it's as though I am holding a grudge and not letting go.
The part I find worse of all and I can't let go of is , reading in his actual words, written for thousands of people to read in a public forum openly chatting to people about his girls friend , when at the time I was probably in the next room but as I said I found this out, like I said though the affair was 5 years ago but the confirmation came 2 years ago at a time I was waiting for a byopsy, which came back clear but meant I couldn't deal with what I found. Now I am clear and I look back at what he did and the annual rejoining if match.com( though certain he didn't meet any one but guilty of contemplating). I just need other people's views of wether I should put it behind me or am I right to not trust him?

Why did you believe him from the word go when it was blatantly dodgy. You had PROOF and still continued with things as they are. Not once, but more than once. And by breaking up and getting back, you basically gave him permission to carry on behaving as he does.

Of course you are right not to trust him. I am very sorry that you are in this position but I think some tough love is called for. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! You are being continually taken for a ride and used as a doormat. If you don't kick his sorry arse out NOW, then what you have put up with over the last few years is what your life will be FOREVER.

This man thinks you're very stupid. He also doesn't care about you, apart from perhaps as a meal ticket? (You didn't answer AF's questions about finances...)

You are totally right not to trust him. He has no respect for you. His repeated infidelity is staring you in the face and he still thinks he can get away with it? Nasty man. Sorry to be harsh. You do know don't you that there's decent men out there who don't behave like a tomcat.

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 09:43:48

Hi
At the time I met my now H I was just a normal person who worked and had my own house, I wasn't a Merry Widow with loads of spare cash and I my H was a friend of a friend , nothing sinister I already knew of him and his family.
My H has a good job and was really good with money though I can remember him taking out his first loan for a motorbike without telling me it was while checking our account I was surprised to see a deposit for a few thousand pounds, this trait seemed to carry on every few years but always paid off first by him until 8 years ago when we repaid his loans by putting them on the mortgage, which I think was my first mistake as after that he seemed to change and get a larger loan to pay off the last and buy something else. All came to a head a couple of years ago after he got his first credit card, maxed it out, got another,maxed that out got another, maxed the overdraft on joint account, took out a loan without my knowledge to pay off overdraft then maxed out the overdraft again even today after I did pay off most of the overdraft it's going up again. He has taken out loans telling me it was x amount then find out it was a lot more. He wanted to put all the credit cards and two loans on our mortgage again but after he went onMatch again last Aug I knew it was pointless so he is struggling to pay them all off slowly, he makes out he is struggling and it's my fault.
( I would like to point out that while all this gies on there are no rows,bad language, the atmosphere in my home is normal and people think we are happy, he is a nice chap which I know sounds stupid, but he has this secretive side to him where he doesn't let me in and if I stumble on something I didn't know or even if I feel there is one thing and see it, he makes out I am snooping and I haven't any rights and that's where I begin to have doubts)
I grew up in a family who put up with the same I am know , it was normal to make a marriage work and deal with poo. My fear at 49 is , we all have flaws and so may the next man and my experience with my H is so confusing that I feel that I am the baddie in all this, the nagging wife each time his lies come to light, sorry I sound such a Wuss.

Stop making any attempt to excuse or defend him. With each posting you make he sounds worse! Seriously, get him out NOW.

LittleEdie Thu 28-Feb-13 11:30:38

When you're in a bad marriage it's very easy to feel trapped, even if that is only an illusion. That means you can end up putting up with things that as a single person would seem intolerable.

You are not trapped.

Charbon Thu 28-Feb-13 13:52:23

He could not be more blatant if he tried. Thank goodness you didn't add his more recent debts to the mortgage but you need to start separating the finances asap so that you're not liable.

This man cannot respect you. It doesn't sound like he respects the other women he's been with either. With the dating site stuff and the disappearing money, you do realise the holiday woman hasn't been the only one? Are you still having sex? Get yourself checked if so.

At 49 you're still a relatively young woman. This man will only stop being unfaithful when all his opportunities dry up, but by then you will be much older (and certainly poorer) yourself.

If you leave him, you are not the 'baddie'. It would be the only sane rational decision in these circumstances.

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 15:13:02

I did have std tests all came back ok, thanks.
I guess I seem gormless to you but the match.com he joined but I couldn't find proof he met anyone, but he is always home in the evening too. I seem to have this fight in my head with what I see and his denials which seem genuine and then I don't know what is real anymore. Collectively everything stares me in the face and happened a while ago, I felt I was wrong not to let go and needed to know I AM justified to hold everything he did as a package because he seems to think I am being unreasonable holing on to the past.

Charbon Thu 28-Feb-13 15:16:54

People meet eachother for sex in the day.

You don't need any more proof; honestly you don't.

Go to a lawyer if you don't believe us and see just how much evidence you've got of unreasonable behaviour.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 16:31:23

Driftwood, I rarely say this love, but why did you post?

Even in the face of compelling reasons not to trust this man,and unanimous agreement that he doesn't deserve it, you keep using the same reasons to justify his behaviour

Has anything said here reassured you at all that yanbu, or are you going to continue the overt lies and gaslighting of a serial philanderer?

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 16:32:02

Continue to believe

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 16:43:45

Yes what has been said is getting through to me and I am feeling relived to know my feelings and thoughts are thought by others to be reasonable , guess I think of things and just need reassurance by giving the facts and getting an honest opinion . I looked up the gas lighting and I can see my H is a candidate for that. U guess I have lived and believed my husband because he has two sides to him, if I hadn't come across things on the PC u would never have realised or even dreamt he had two sides to him and I guess u am just trying to work my way through this which was the reason to post in the first place, to break my self out if this pattern if thought I have stuck my self in, that I felt I was being irrational still holding on to things, hard to explain when you are on the outside .

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 16:52:49

I didn't say you shouldn't post ,you absolutely should and thank goodness you did

Those thought patterns you are stuck in though are doing you no good at all

You appear to be working on the premise that your H is an inherently good man. I don't agree.

badtime Thu 28-Feb-13 17:10:42

match.com he joined but I couldn't find proof he met anyone
Why do you need proof he met anyone? Why do you even need any sort of suggestion that he met anyone? Surely the fact that he was looking for someone is enough?

Basically, he is trying to make you feel bad because you don't trust him. However, it is the only rational response not to trust him. You don't trust him because he has repeatedly demonstrated that he is untrustworthy. The fact that you even have to ask about this, despite his catalogue of deceit, proves how much he has manipulated and messed you about.

Diagonally Thu 28-Feb-13 18:45:49

Can I ask OP how did you feel when you found out about the affair, and when you found out he'd joined a dating site?

And how do you feel about it now?

It's obvious your H has been lying to you extensively for most of your married life, including the lies of omission about his spending.

How do you feel about the way he has behaved? Do you feel sad? Angry? Taken advantage of?

cjel Thu 28-Feb-13 18:47:48

Oh dear you sound really worn down. Its hard to face when its over but I'd think even if he logged on to dating site, let alone joined he doesn't want to be with you and really isn't very nice. He has everything he wants and more doesn't he? what are you getting from all this?

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 08:49:01

How do I feel Diagonally, I felt numb and totally mixed up when I found he had gone on match.com , underneath I was fuming but outwardly nothing would come out of my mouth or my body , I pretended nothing had happened and kept it all in and over time I just hinted that he wasn't happy in the relationship, which he denied and then I jokingly told him I knew he was shopping around fir other women which again he strongly denied. When I put it to him he had filled in a profile he said it was an old profile, but I knew it wasn't I checked the date he joined after working out his passwords.
When I found out he had taken someone away with him on his annual motorbike break, I felt numb,sick, totally upside down , I didn't tell him I knew for a couple of days and I was calm when I told him I knew but he gave me excuses, the stupid thing is my mind is always in two , I could see plainly an affair was taking place but listening to his excuses, false as they were, the other side of my head just fell for his patter,
Two years ago 2011, I saw old posts written in 2008,written confirmation , by my H, on a forum , there he discussed going away for a weekend with someone and that if they got on well he would be taking them away to a big motorbike event in the Isle of Man.I guess these statements did eat away at me and I felt totally stupid for having believed his excuses. At the time I found these old posts my health wasn't the best and at the same time I found out he was also on match.com , a double whammy,. I was scared poo less about my health and I didn't tell my H about what I had found for a year but by then I felt it was too late to do anything about it all.
Like I said its 5 years since he went away with this women and their friends , 2 years since I read the posts confirming he openly had an affair. And last Aug was the last time he was on match.com!........ And yes it now eats away at me, chip by chip but the I can put it behind me and think it doesn't matter any more. The daftest thing is I feel because I have put up with it, joked and put on a brave face, accepted his lies, I feel it's me with the issues and that I no longer have any rights to be mad with him..... This is the battle in my head and why I am here because I know there are others who have gone and going through the same thing.
One more thing, some times when we are chatting and getting along nicely and something pops up in conversations, I may say to my H, it's because I don't trust you, I know you will be looking for my replacement, he will say, " why do you say that, what am I doing now, I am doing nothing wrong" and he goes into a huff! Xx

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 09:00:13

These ways in which he makes you feel?

Should a loving partner make you feel like that?

BagCat Fri 01-Mar-13 09:08:56

Forget all the excuses, stories, conversations, the ifs, the buts. This man is using and manipulating you. You won't get the trust back. He will continue to lie to you and pull the wool over your eyes because he thinks you are naive. You won't change that because he will always know he can talk you around in one way or another. He knows fine well just has to give you excuses/chats/guilt trips every few months to keep you in order till your next bout of insecurity.

Sorry if this is harsh. Sometimes the happiness/trust is not there to be found, no matter how many excuses you make for a person and pretend in between times that all is ok. The longer you go on with this man, the harder the lesson you will learn and more hurt he will cause.

Set him free and give yourself the chance to meet someone who won't do these things behind your back and pretend to you that it is you who is mad/silly/paranoid.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 09:22:25

It doesn't help that we get on really well, he can't do enough for me and treats me like I am the only female on the planet, he can turn his hand to anything. If a motorist has broken down, he stops and helps them!!
When I see him like this, I wonder how can someone be so over the top nice to me, telling me he misses me all the time he is at work and thanks me each time I cook a meal or do his ironing or tidy the house, yet I know there is another side to him....... I am the bunny stuck in the headlight!,

sweetfluffybunnies Fri 01-Mar-13 09:27:39

OP you seem to be constantly questioning whether you are right to feel the way you feel. But of course you are right, your feelings are completely valid and you shouldn't feel guilty. You either trust your husband or you don't, it's not a matter of choice. And you don't trust him because he has shown himself to be untrustworthy.

It doesn't matter that these things happened years ago. It is only now that you are starting to find that you can't forgive and forget. If he truly loved you and valued your relationship he would be grovelling on his knees, trying to make things right. Instead he is belittling your feelings and abusing you financially.

I have no advice as such, just an observation that your marriage is not making you happy, and this is not likely to change. Surely you are worth more than this?

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 09:48:06

My love, you could be 30 years down the line and only just discover he had joined a dating site years previously - you would still be in your perfect rights to get rid. Just because time has passed doesn't erase what he had done/is doing. He hasn't apologised and he hasn't accepted anything.

We all have different expectations of love, but this is not love. Even if he does have valid reasons for everything, the fact is you are unhappy - that is good enough reason to get yourself out of this and get happy again. We only have one life.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 10:07:56

That's what I am trying to work out Bluebell, am I wollowing in self pity, that's what my H thinks, and I feel that's what I am doing, yet deep down I know he will be on a dating site again as so far he has been on every year for the past 5 years that I know of.
I feel I am living in the past but the other side of me expects him to be up to something.
It's true we all have different expectations of happiness, am I just will owing in self pity???

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 10:56:20

Do you know what - I'd not be at all surprised if you are - it would almost be expected! YOU know he's lied/lying - HE knows he's lied/lying.

You've got yourself caught up in a mental round-about and he's driving. You are in this situation because of him. Yes, perhaps you could have handled things differently but ultimately he is the one who has done these things and you BOTH know he has. He thinks he is superior in your relationship and he thinks he can throw you some crumbs of support and love to keep you satisfied.

I know it's not always easy logistically and emotionally but honestly love, HE is ultimately the one that has caused this and is still not accepting any responsibility for it. This is not how a good loving relationship should be - I would say you would be far better off emotionally and mentally on your own than with him - no matter how hard the practicalities.

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 11:48:04

If he really is as nice as you say and makes you feel like only woman on the planet can you live with what hes done as if its a bad habit like snoring? I am not saying you should!! My mother in law lived for over 40 yrs knowing her (D?)H had long term affairs and even another child, she decided she liked what she had too much to give it up!
I couldn't do it and know that I'd be better off alone than living like that but as I say there was something in your posts that made me think you don't want your relationship to break. I'm not sure you could because otherwise you wouldn't have posted but just wanted to ask you .x

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 13:39:53

I really don't know, obviously I wanted my life with him, the nice person that he is on a daily basis But I can't live with the secret side of him......... That's why I am so torn, I know he won't change .......think you are right, I am scared of the consequences, living a lonely life on my own while he lives happily ever after....................if I could , I would leave but I know I cannot financially even afford to live on my own by that I mean rent and basic bills.x

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 13:41:23

So, it is clear he is a serial philanderer who likes the thrill of the chase

So tell him you now have an open relationship. Put yourself on a dating website. See other men, go on holiday with other men. Fuck other men

What's good for him....why not make this equally open to you ?

He cannot object, surely ?

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 15:37:33

I am scared to make the wrong decision which is why I came on here .
When we broke up after he went in holiday with the lady, his family were all up in arms about how unreasonable I was being throwing him out, we'll he chose to leave. His teenage kids couldn't visit as he didn't have spare room, he nearly lost his job because he was so upset and in the end he became suicidal. You see they all only saw the nice guy, no one new why we separated and they all thought I was mean and cruel. U believe he did tell his mum that he had met someone but it only lasted a few weeks , she thought I was unreasonable to destroy my marriage over a women he had only known for a couple of weeks.
When we split last time, he told me he would leave me with nothing and make himself unemployed so he could keep a big part if the house, I would have no claim on his pension and basically be homeless, yes the nasty guy did show his face when we broke.
I broke , I saw no way our and I took him back and my skin crawled with shame at the same time.
Since then I taught myself to see what other people see as he is an easy bloke to get on with but I find myself looking at him wondering and feeling trapped and scared that I will be the one doing the right thing but ending up homeless while he swans off enjoying life, I feel I am on a mo win situation! Pathetic I know ?? X

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 16:08:51

Not pathetic , just EA and your fear of the unknown holds you back. It may be a good plan to get legal advice about what you will and will not have so at least the threats he is making about your financial position will be just threats. As for his family, I was once told that I should not be afraid of peoples scorn, if the truth is different. My Ex told his OW that it had been hard for him living with my depression and moods, she told him I was Bi polar. He omitted to tell her it was the rape, violence and EA that made me depressed. I hold my head up knowing the truth, If anyone believes him thats their problem, people who care for me and I care about know the truth. They matter.Don't let those sort of thought cloud your choices.The truth comes out and how I've blossomed since I left and hes a mess says it all.

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:11:56

You're not pathetic - your self-worth and confidence is rock bottom. It is easy for us to say what you should be doing but totally different on the other side, however, do consider the age-old 'what advise would you give your son, best-friend, sister etc if they relayed this information about their partner?' The 'nice guy', in my opinion, is not real.

What he does if you break up is not your concern. Where he lives, his job, his family - all his problem. He wasn't worried about you, your feelings or reactions when he cheated. You need to be concerned with yourself and your son. What about benefits? Friends or family that can help you? You have to get the picture out of your head that he'll swan off enjoying life - he may act that way but he almost certainly will not be happy. He is a good actor.

You have to make the decision for yourself. What do you get out of this relationship that is fullfilling and satisfying? Are you really happy being with someone who pretends to be nice? Really stop and think about you as an individual, if you are not happy with your life and the one person who is supposed to understand and be a rock is the one that is causing the anxiety, upset etc, it is time for something to change.

Lueji Fri 01-Mar-13 16:12:40

* living a lonely life on my own while he lives happily ever after*

You know it doesn't have to be like that and it's not likely to.

On average, non-married women are happier and live longer than married women, whilst non-married men perform worse than married men.

Chances are your worst fears will actually be in reverse. smile

(I know I'm much better than with ex, even though I am living alone with one DS)

Lueji Fri 01-Mar-13 16:14:47

And you don't have to be lonely forever.

Lots of divorced women remarry, or move on to better relationships.

Not that you need a man to be happy. wink

Abitwobblynow Fri 01-Mar-13 17:00:29

Are all those debts and maxed out cards paid off now?

Where does his salary go? Who pays the mortgage?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 17:16:13

He is the one who is destroying his marriage - not you.

He made the choice to cheat and to lie - not you.

You deserve far more than this.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 17:30:31

Hi
All credit cards still maxed out and two loans , he has £17000 of debt in his name only. He pays the mortgage too I pay other bills.
He has so much debt he only has £ 200 left out of his salary which he spends on wine each night, meaning he can't afford to move any where either, that's why he would make it difficult for me and especially since I have left it a while and act all nice to him, he will think I am being totally unreasonable !!

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 18:33:20

It's interesting you have said to him that you think he is looking for your replacement.

I don't think he's looking for that at all. He doesn't want to leave you, he just wants to have other women on the side, which I suspect he has done and will continue to do for the entirety of your relationship.

That's why he's nice to you - he wants you because you come in the package with the big house, home comforts, you enable his spending habits, etc, and he also wants his dates and dalliances with girlfriends and hook-ups as well.

Driftwood, if you split the equity in your home 50/50, could you afford to buy your own place? Not sure if you said whether you work?

His debts and the fact that he spends his free cash on alcohol are frankly not your problem. I would say he gave away all rights to your financial committment to him when he decided not to be physically or emotionally committed to you.

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 18:37:43

Oh and you have every right to end a relationship at any time you like.

NO-ONE who has read your posts below would judge you unreasonable for ending this marriage right now. No-one.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 20:46:56

Hi, if we split the house 50/50 noir won't buy a house or anything . Yes I do work nights but not enough to pay rent and bills x

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 21:21:13

IMO finance is not a good enough reason to stay. You are worth a load more than this man. He might want to make it difficult for you but thats all it would be, difficult, he couldn't change the legalities of it. You will have a tough time sorting it all out, but it soundslike you are having a tough time now any way?

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 21:23:41

You would probably be entitled to some benefits then...have you considered looking into that?

And if you are thinking about the idea of separating, take no notice of any stupid threats your H makes regarding money, maintenance, pensions etc.

Many solicitors offer free half hour appointments where you could get a rough idea of where you would stand if you were to divorce.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 22:44:57
xxdriftwoodxx Mon 04-Mar-13 11:34:53

I would like to know if a deed of trust drawn up at the time we purchased our house has any value when getting divorced ? The deed of trust was set up in my favour as 75% of net proceeds go to me and 25% go to H, as our first home was bought with Money from the sale of My home I shared with my late husband and the remainder by joint mortgage?
I was wondering if it still stands in divorce, I am guessing not knowing my luck as this would make a difference to wether I am stuck here or not!!

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 21:55:01

I'm afraid I don't have an answer but would urge you to get solicitor who does 1st consult free to check it over, if you are considering these things its time to at least know what your options are.

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 22:13:18

The deed of trust you've mentoned will, of course, be taken into account in any divorce proceedings.

If it was drawn up before you had dc or you had additional dc after, I'm reasonably confident that you will have claim on his 25% of the net proceeds.

If you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, DON'T DELAY - book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law ASAP as this entitlement will no longer be available after the end of this month.

Many solicitors offer a free half an hour initial consultation which should be more than enough to give you an idea of what you can confidently expect by way of financial settlement/child support etc.

If you can't source recommendations from friends/family, locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here www.womensaid.org.uk and give them a call during usual office hours to ask them to recommend solicitors in your area.

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 05-Mar-13 08:28:57

Hi
The deed of trust was drawn up when my now husband and I bought our first house together , sorry but what dies DC stand for .
My other thought is my H pays into a pension which he will draw in 15 years, how is my share if we divorce calculated, at the amount invested now or calculated by the monthly pension expected at retirement? The solicitor I visited told me the monthly pension amount is multiplied by average 10 yrs, divided by half and that half is my entitlement and can be offset against his share of the house? Has anyone else offset their husbands pension and how did it work out? Xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now