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Have had to end all my friendships

(48 Posts)
dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:09:31

It's happened gradually over a number of years and only with my female friends.

I had some long standing friends who I realise now were never friends at all. Or at least not the sort of friends I would like. They weren't the sort I could really confide in or who I could call in the middle of the night in an emergency and they would be there.

I know there are different 'levels' of friends but I thought the longest standing friendships should have been the closest but they are not.

I have other aquaintance type friends but not a single close reliable friend.

I think I have huge issues with female friends due to my terrible relationship with my mother and 2 sisters growing up. I am not in contact with any of them now.

My only real friend in the world is DH and I'm wondering if I should be content with that and not want more friends. Even if I did want more friends I don't know how to go about making friends and how for it to be more than just a meeting for coffee type aquaintance. It feels like the time for making close and long standing friendships has passed and I wasted it by picking completely the wrong people to be friends with and now it's too late and very difficult to make new friends. I'm 42 btw and the friends I have let go of were from uni around 25 years ago.

catlady1 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:19:24

I don't have any advice but I know how you feel. I have lost touch with (or lost all respect for, in some cases) pretty much all of my friends over recent years, and certainly since I've been pregnant. I'm quite a bit younger than you so I suppose in theory, there are ways that I could make friends (as there are for you), but I've tried joining clubs and going more places, talking to strangers at bus stops etc and I really can't see how it works! I am very shy though, and wouldn't dream of inviting a relative stranger out for a drink or something, maybe that's my problem - although I've never really known anyone do that if I'm honest. I get on with the people I work with but I'm the youngest person on my shift by about 12 years so I haven't made any real functional friendships. It's very frustrating and depressing.

stumpy1969 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:25:23

I don't think it is ever too late to get new friends. I am 43 and three years ago did not have any what i would call close confidants living nearby.

I ended up inviting some of my ex's (wife at time) friends husbands/partners to local quiz night and we ended up turning it into a regular weekly occurence. Now all of those people are close friends. We meet up with kids in tow. Go camping, meals out.

My parents over the years have had different close friends from when they were in their 30s to when they were in 50s to when they were in 60s.

I am still in contact with uni friends but very rarely see them but when we do we pick up where we left off.

You will be surprised how many people out there are in a similar position.

Good luck. Be prepared to make first move ie invite someone for coffee. If you have kids do any of your kids friends have parents who seem normal (invite their family round for meal).

Good luck

amillionyears Tue 26-Feb-13 15:32:39

I think joining clubs with people of similar interests can work well.
fwiw, it seems to be that older people can have more friends than younger people. They have got more time. And it seems to me, they realise that time is getting shorter, and tend to muck in with each other a bit more.

Phineyj Tue 26-Feb-13 15:45:06

Clubs and activities are good especially sociable ones like choirs. Even if you don't make friends that way you still have the activity as social contact. Volunteering if you have time? The WRVS is good -- there are probably lots of lonely older people in your area who'd love a chat.

MannishBoy Tue 26-Feb-13 15:58:54

OP, don't worry so much. DW is my only real friend and she's all I need. So many times I thought I've made a real friend, only to find that it was really only one way and not a real friendship. I'm happy as I am, I'm sure you will be too.

dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:00:30

Hi all thanks for replying. I am sorry there are others in the same boat.

I am not that shy so I do quite often invite people over for coffee etc and have met some nice people. But everyone seems to be so busy with their lives and work and family that there is little time for friends apart from the occasional drink or coffee.

I am aware also that I might be trying to fill the 'family' sized gap in my life with friends and that just won't work. I don't think I know what a normal friendship should be like in terms of expectations, trust and respect etc. I don't think I've ever had a normal female relationship. Certainly not with my mum or sisters. And with the friends I have let go I think the friendship on my side was more of an unhealthy attachment than friendship. I formed an attachment to 1 friend in particular to replace the non existent attachment to my mother.

Now I have let go of that friend (we are so different I don't know how we became and stayed friends for long) I don't want to replace that unhealthy attachment with another.

I definately have a tendency to want to be very close friends very quickly with any new person and because I am aware of that I make sure I hold myself back but then I don't know how forthcoming to actually be.

I find women really difficult in general. Often moody, blowing hot and cold, sometimes bitchy. I must have a male brain as like many men I just don't understand women! I do prefer male friends but they are thin on the ground once you're married.

MannishBoy Tue 26-Feb-13 16:08:45

I have found men to be just as unreliable. Except I also get the competition element, which is just stupid.

dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:09:34

MB thankyou. I must say that I am leaning that way of accepting my only real friend is DH (who is absolutely a rock type of friend!) and it will be a bonus (and a miracle!) if during my lifetime I make another close, trustworthy like minded friend who will make time for me when i need her (not just when she needs me as per another long standing 'friend' I have let go of).

I think it is true that people have more time for friends when they are older and kids are grown up and they are hopefully not working so much so I am a little optimistic for the future (even though I might have to wait 20 years for it!)

dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:12:37

MB really? I can only go by DH's friends but they seem so much less problematic than mine.

I'm also half considering just getting a dog and forgetting trying to make human friends altogether.

MannishBoy Tue 26-Feb-13 16:24:10

My male "friends" always do the one upmanship rubbish, part of being a bloke I suppose. I'm totally secure in myself so just ignore, but it can get boring.

I have to say, there's nothing like a dog always being happy to see you to cheer you up.

OberonTheHopeful Tue 26-Feb-13 16:28:49

Dimsum, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Many people have backgrounds that they feel mean they can't be 'normal', in fact so much so that it's probably quite normal! It's taken a lot of therapy for me to come to terms with my (borading) school experiences and why that has made it so difficult for me to have close friendships with other men, to the extent where all but a couple of my friends are women. Yet it's starting to work out a little bit and I've become close to a male friend I've know on and off for years who has actually been a great support to me in recent months.

I've also been looking at what I may project that may have made people in the past keep their distance from me in some instances, and I've really started to develop a better ability to look after myself emotionally. I feel a lot more self contained in this respect than I did and ironically it has made it easier for me to get close to people. If you were to look at my threads on here from a couple of years ago you would see that I was a complete mess, I'd just moved to another part of the country and didn't know anyone. I had to make myself get out and in that time I've met some great people some of whom have become close and trusted friends (one via MN!). Please believe in yourself smile

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 17:23:38

I think you might have to work on your perception of women first and then friendships might follow. If you've ended up with prejudices about a whole sex, it leaks out in so many ways to people of that sex and it can put them off. But that's a chicken and egg situation because if you had some happy mutually beneficial friendships with women that counteracted the negative associations you have about them, it might change your opinion.

People are individuals and not everyone behaves the same way according to societal constructs about male and female behaviour. So as you've seen from others' responses, no one group has the monopoly on unhelpful, difficult behaviour.

Interest groups are great for meeting like-minded people, whether it's political activism, dog owning or sport. So are FE courses or voluntary work.

Do you have children and therefore the opportunity to get to know their friends' mums better? What about the partners of your husband's friends?

dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 17:30:02

Oberon thankyou. I'm glad you have made some good friends.

Wierdly I had more friends a few years ago when I was very ill, depressed and had terrible self confidence due to my appearance. Since I have been feeling much better and look a lot better some of those friends seem to have dropped me. It seems they might have liked being around me as it made them feel better about themselves compared to me. As soon as i got my health and confidence back they pretty much ignored me or were very cold and standoffish. I'm over it now but it was very hurtful at the time as I hadn't done anything wrong apart from get better.

It's all just so fraught and complicated. I have my issues with female relationships and I am sure other people havr their issues too and mixing all these people up just seems to lead to upset and hurt.

I feel I just don't want to go there anymore. It's too much effort for very little or no reward.

Iggly Tue 26-Feb-13 17:33:55

It sounds like maybe you had different needs too so these friends aren't right for you. Instead of "blaming" them, what about assessing how you react to other people? Making sweeping judgements about men and women seems to miss an opportunity IMO.

of course friendships take effort - they do on both sides. And when you change as people, the friendship changes too.

pixi2 Tue 26-Feb-13 17:35:49

I think everyone needs at least some acquaintances that you can at least pass the time of day with and perhaps a coffee or lunch. DH cannot be your sole source of adult companionship. Without a RL knowledge of other people and relationships how could you tell if he ever started manipulating you? (I am not saying your DH isn't the most wonderful man on the planet, I'm certain he is, but what would you say to someone else if this was their situation?)

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 17:40:30

There are huge rewards from having good friends though! As there are from being a good friend to others.

I'm come across a few people who need to feel superior in friendships and back off when things are more equalised, but not everyone is like that and in my experience, really good friends feel joy at eachother's successes as well as sorrow when things are not going well.

Don't write all women off just because of some negative experiences. And don't write off how much your life could be enhanced by friendship. I honestly wouldn't be without my friends and my life would be colourless and poor without them.

dimsum. I'm in a similar position. I would say other than DH, I have one friend I can count on, but she lives two hours away. The mums at DS1's primary school are horrendously cliquey. When I was taking DS1 to pre-school last year when I was pregnant, they were quite pleasant most days. Now I have lost the weight and still losing, I get a hello some days and a bit of a chat if I'm lucky (usually initiated by me) and others none of them talk to me. I found out one of the mums had a party at hers last week and again, I wasn't invited. Also agree re DH's friends, they are straight forward and don't mess him about. I get on well with men, but I had two brothers growing up so that's probably why.

FreudianFanny Tue 26-Feb-13 18:58:07

Hello, this is my first post on here, I was drawn to your thread.. I have NO friends, none I can meet for a coffee, or share problems with, I have had a few over the time I've been a stay at home mum, but the friendships never last or go any further than crappy small chit chat up the school, which I hate doing and am rubbish at...... I find it hard to form strong relationships with women, and distance myself, Im a bit weird I suppose, I'm not on the same wavelength as most people, lol.. Like you I have a bad relationship with my mother. (only just started talking to her after a year, ) My husband works away...although I do like my own company, I do crave a night out with females, to let the hair down and all that. Or a night in with a movie and wine... on a regular basis, not just the odd night a year.
The mothers at my kids school are very cliquey, all welsh speaking. I am not.
I joined a club.. and never formed any friendships.. the women were all grandmothers lol.. not alot in common.. they certainly didn't fancy a night out or popping out to the cinema one evening lol.. I go through phases of this REALLY getting me down, and have shed a tear being so lonely, just needing a laugh I guess.. I've signed up to go back to college, hoping things might change, but then it may not, students will be a 15 years younger than me.

dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 20:11:51

Little well you have one more friend than I do! I don't have any friends i can count on. There are perhaps 2 mums/dads from school that I know that I could call in a dire emergency wrt the dc's but that's almost more because they are decent people who would help anyone if they could.

FF yes I know what you mean. I want someone to go for a meal/drink/movie with who is on my wavelength and with a similar sense of humour. I find I meet people and at first think they are really nice but then as time goes by I start noticing their faults and start going off them. I think I shouldn't be so quick to like people but I have been so desperate to make friends in the past that I realise I like anyone who is willing to talk to me without considering what they are like.

It's a bit like a friend who is so desperate to never be single that she will get into a relationship with any man however unsuitable to avoid being alone. I think I am doing something similar wrt female friends.

clickityclackity Tue 26-Feb-13 20:48:44

No friends here either. Sigh. I think I too find it particularly difficult to keep hold of female friends. The rare few I've ever felt I cliqued well with just seemed to gradually drift out of my life, lose contact. So obviously these friendships that were dear to me didn't mean as much to them.

I too have had some unpleasant and traumatic childhood experiences and find laying myself open to others, particularly women difficult, it is a stereotype but on a whole, I find women to be more critical of other women and i find that difficult to deal with. I did go to an all-girls school and have an awful time there so doubtless that has something to do with it.

I spend a lot of time on my own, will do things like go to the cinema on my own. I do tend to conect well with older women though, but keeping it going is difficult.

It sucks when I've had a row with DH and I have no women friends to share with and get it out of my system.

carlywurly Tue 26-Feb-13 20:59:11

I moved to my area not knowing anyone and have made friends through work, school, dp, playgroups, evening courses, book clubs and friends of friends. It can be done, but took a lot of effort. A lot of being relentlessly cheerful, approachable and friendly. It paid off and I'd hate to be without the people I've become friends with.

I do wonder when you mention going off people with faults. - what's that about? Every one of my friends have faults, as do I. All of us can be busy, thoughtless and preoccupied at times. I wonder if you're looking for some kind of friend perfection that doesn't exist..

I think my getting on better with men also stems from high school where the boys were nice to me, but I was bullied by a bunch of girls (the cliched popular mean girls who came from good families, academic an sporty). My best friend from that school was my friend until I was 28. We gradually grew apart when I got my confidence back at around 25 years old. I realise I had been in her shadow before, had always been there for her (even when she dropped me at times for latest boyfriends). She had got all the male attention and when I 'woke up' and was happier, I was attracting men, confident in my looks for the first tine, enjoying work, going out rather than waiting for her to have time for me and rather than be happy for me, she was miffed.

*and sporty, not an!

*time, not tine. Arrgh, cannot type on this pad...

CheeryCherry Tue 26-Feb-13 21:18:36

I understand, I had what I thought of as good friends, we met up a lot, went away together, popped in on each other. As the Dcs have grown up, we are busy with work,family etc. I have had a very hard few months with serious family illnesses and major problems. Only one friend has bothered to keep in touch, which has upset me. They know I am struggling too. I'm just sad because I like to think of myself as a thoughtful friend, little texts/emails/cards if a friend is in need.
I'm wondering too if I can do without.
I never thought I would be in this position. It's quite lonely. But I can't be arsed anymore.
dimsum do you work? Could you find anyone there who you can get to know a little more? Do you have any relatives you could meet up with?

nomadwantshome Tue 26-Feb-13 21:39:49

God I identify with various posters but for differnt reasons. I was bullied at school but by boys. I got in with girls ok but only had 1 friend. The other girls were in a clique but didnt bully me.

My friends, over the years, have been mainly from work. I've still got a few from years ago that I'm happy to just see every few years but I've always been bothered (in dreams as well as consciously) about not having friends that are just down the road and I can tell anything to. That's what I really yearn for most of the time. Luckily I've found someone (still early days 18 months) via work that I have just clicked with.

To put in context, I moved away 6 years ago to a completely new area and tried the toddler group/school etc. I think there's something to be said about joining groups/classes that you're interested in as you will find like minded people.

MillyMollyMandy78 Tue 26-Feb-13 21:45:31

Hi All,
I too can relate with the loneliness that you talk about and started a thread last week on a similar note. You might want to check it out because I received some lovely replies and useful tips on trying to make new friends etc. The post is called 'friends/ lack of...' (sorry, I don't know how to link it, cos I am new to mumsnet & rubbish with computers)!

dimsum123 Tue 26-Feb-13 22:21:12

I think I might be looking for the perfect friend that doesn't exist (like the perfect man).

The trouble is I have in the past had very close female friendships right from the age of 5 until the age of around 30. And they were totally mutual balanced friendships, we never argued or fell out, were almost like twins in how alike we were. And I think that's what I'm looking for now.

The friend I have recently had to let go of has not changed in the same way I have since I got married at 30 and then had dc's. She remained single and childfree and until recently our different lives did not seem to make much difference to our friendship. But it is becoming more and more apparent how different we have become whereas once we were like peas in a pod. She now seems to me to be very selfish, immature, irresponsible but i know it's just that i have changed and grown up a lot due to becoming a parent. Although I know many non parents who are nevertheless very responsible, unselfish etc so it's not just down to my friend not being a parent.

Having to let that friend go has hit me hard because we have so many memories and history together. I feel very sad about it but I had very little respect left for her because of her selfishness and immaturity.

I don't work at the moment due to health issues and can't volunteer due to the same reason. I really have tried to make friends with mums at dc's school but just haven't clicked with anyone other than on a very casual superficial level. I am hoping to be well enough to find a job next year.

I think I am all out of energy right now for new relationships. Maybe next year but I'm not too hopeful sadly.

I do believe that some of the finding it hard to make friends also stems from the area you live. We are in East Anglia and it is notorious for being hard to make friends. All the mums at the school seem to have been friends for a while and have never lived anywhere else.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 27-Feb-13 08:22:21

I often have the feeling that I'm in someone's 'friendship orbit' but not in their inner circle - so if I suggest a meet-up they're busy-busy for ages, doing things with - yep, other friends!! which presumably weren't all organised by the friends, but they never take the lead in arranging things with me. I hate that, and the sense of 'being the one who makes the running' has led me to let several 'friendships' drift away over the years. I've got used to (eg) going to cinema/for walks on my own...

dimsum123 Wed 27-Feb-13 09:17:46

Yes agree with area you live in making a difference. I don't think I fit in very well in my local area although I don't think that is really the main reason for me not making friends here.

I agree with walk that I'm not in the inner circle with anyone but on the orbit of many which means I do most of the running which I am fed up of now. I do also do a lot of things on my own now.

But i do wish i had one local best friend where I was her best friend too. I am probably looking for the impossible though.

Adversecamber Wed 27-Feb-13 09:28:16

Friendships do change, someone who I thought was a really good friend decided I was no longer fun due to my illness. It is true I was no longer amusing or easy to be around.

True friends will stick with you whatever and a couple of my friends have been truly amazing, one sent me a text saying if it is 3 in the morning ring me if you need me.

I have also made a really nice friend through MN who has been lovely to me illness and all. She brings me cake, what more can I ask for. Having health issues is a real test of friendships.

Life can be very lonely at times, wishing you the best.

dimsum123 Wed 27-Feb-13 09:54:21

Yes i know friendships do change. It's sad when that happens though.

How did you make the MN friend? There are some people on here I feel I could get on with very well but don't know how to actually meet up with them in RL. Too scared to go to a mass MN meet up!

Adversecamber Wed 27-Feb-13 10:47:48

I agree it is very sad when they change, I really thought the friend that decided it was over was a friend for life. Illness really scares some people.

The person I met on MN was moving to the next suburb along from me and was just asking for information on the place. I provided quite a bit of info and it turned out we had sons of a similar age and disposition. We ended up mailing each other and just seemed to get on well. I actually feel very lucky to have met her. She is the only person I have ever met in RL that I met on the net.

There are people on here that I think Ooh bet I could get on well with them so I know exactly what you mean. There is real nervousness meeting up with strangers, quite understandably.

I was very tempted to go to the London meet up once but I'm not very good in big group situations.

I think there are some lovely people on MN, but everyone seems so far from me. I just want a friend, just one would do, who lives near me that I could have coffee/wine with.

I do agree with Adverse about real friends being there through thick and thin. I got 'dumped' by a friend I used to work with when I miscarried twice before having DS1. She didn't like the attention/sympathy I was getting from others. hmm

Chandon Wed 27-Feb-13 13:31:11

I was wondering, if those who find friendships difficult, to try to change their thinking from " what do I need from this person, what can they give me? Are they good enough?" to looking at people and thinking " what do THEY need? i wonder of they are o.k.?"

So for example, instead of expecting invitations from people, think about that mum on the playground who is too shy to talk, and go over to say hello. Have a chat with your old neighbour or if you are at a party, chat with someone who looks liek they feel awkward.

I find that waiting by the hone to be called, expecting invitations and judging people by some Ideal Standard to be a way to stay alone.

Imo, in friendships you need to cut people slack, and if they have not called you it may be that they are busy, it does not mean they do not think about you, and do not like you anymore.

Ladyfoxglove Wed 27-Feb-13 15:36:40

I know what you mean Dimsum123. I have very few true female friends(not just 'mates') and it has always been the case. I find women very competitive generally and that's not me at all. I now find that if I meet a like-minded woman, I make every effort to keep that friendship going. It seems to be the 'like mindedness' that's rare, not the opportunities to make friends. I am a bit of an oddball smile so I'm immediately drawn to other oddballs. I make sure I steer clear of 'the fashion set' or 'the winebar set' and head for 'the accademics' or 'musically minded' instead. As far as finding fault with people goes, again, I know what you mean, but unless it's not a non-negotiable such as e.g. honesty or trustworthyness, I let it go. I get on better with men too and agree that it's the competition element being missing from the dynamic, that makes it work.When I was younger, I used to watch the 'socially gifted' types to get tips on how they did it and you know it really does help having a model to work from so perhaps give that a try if your 'people' skills need honing.

dimsum123 Wed 27-Feb-13 15:38:33

But how often do you do that without ever being called by the other person to invite you for coffee?

I'm ok at the moment without any real friends. Rather that than ones who are unreliable, selfish and never think of you unless they want something from you.

Shrinkshy Wed 27-Feb-13 15:58:27

im sorry you are going through this - but it is really common and happens unfortunately.

check out the book "bff forever - breaking up with your bestfriend" (google it) it helped me through it a lot when it has happened to me

clickityclackity Wed 27-Feb-13 16:47:19

That sounds like a good book. The next time I go to the cinema alone I'll look out for others sitting there alone too, there's usually a few of us!

carlywurly Wed 27-Feb-13 19:33:01

I can't get my head around this business of ending friendships. Especially long standing ones. It seems a really extreme act to me. I let things drift sometimes but have never really had to actively end a friendship.
It's fine to have high standards, but everyone's human. I do my best to be a good friend but I'm not immune to being thoughtless, sending b day cards late or cancelling meet ups now and again. I'd hate someone to write me off because of that.

Sadandslovenly Wed 27-Feb-13 20:33:24

There's a lot of people on here who sound like me!
I'm disabled, don't work due to it,have had A FRIEND decide I'm not worthy of her anymore due to my disability getting worse & me not being hip, young trendy and fun!
She's recently got divorced, screwed her ex financially, so is out on the lash all the time.
I'm a VERY loyal friend, but I've learnt that expecting the same from others is lethal. It doesn't happen.
I fell out with my ( at the time) best friend because she had upset my other friend, I stuck up for her, and now THEY are friends again and I'm chucked. That was my choice tho, I told her that she had treated me dreadfully and killed our friendship.

I'm early 40's, ten years ago I had loads more friends than I do now, but I refuse to be treated badly, and I've grown up.
I have 2 friends I can rely on & my hubby.
And I'm very happy!

sadandslovenly I agree that it is quality over quantity that is important. sad at your friend treating you like that. A three years ago we had to move for DH's job and we lived in the same village as my best friend. It was lovely, we saw each other every week, popping to each others for lunch/dinner, or a cup of tea or glass of wine and our DH's would look after DS1 sometimes so we could go and watch a film, that kind of thing. I don't have any friends where I live now and I really miss her.

I have always been a bit of a tomboy, on the outside I try and make an effort with hair and make-up, but if you asked me what my fav film was I would say LA Confidential, The Bourne Identity, Cinema Paradiso, Raiders of the Lost Ark.....I think it confuses women who's favourite film is say, Dirty Dancing. They don't know what to make of me!

Like the OP, I have ended friendships, three. Two I have mentioned above, the third friend, we were really close, but when I got engaged she changed. She was meant to be my bridesmaid, but let me down on the dress-hunting, fittings and hen night, then there was Bridesmaids-gate, whole other story. Looking back they were three friendships that got formed pretty quickly and too intensely. DH said beware of people who want to be your BF so quickly because they can let you down just as quickly and dramatically.

HollyBerryBush Thu 28-Feb-13 07:31:06

She remained single and childfree and until recently our different lives did not seem to make much difference to our friendship. But it is becoming more and more apparent how different we have become whereas once we were like peas in a pod. She now seems to me to be very selfish, immature, irresponsible but i know it's just that i have changed and grown up a lot due to becoming a parent.

Picking that out, you seem to want your friendships to evolve how you want them to evolve. Thats quite rigid really, and dare I suggest a little controlling..

Friendships do evolve at different paces and at different times. We are all at different points in our lives.

You'll find this becomes a lot more apparent through school. You won't deal with the competative mothers, or the laid back mothers, or the mother earths because you seem to have tunnel vision of how people should be.

A good solid friendship is one that stands the test of time and you should be able to pick up and put down where you left off.. The fact that your friend, the one you have let go, is at a different point in her life, and has chosen a different path shouldnt mean that you cannot be friends. So what that she has a career and holidays etc, her interests are not the same as yours.

I think you need to step back and look at why you can't maintain friendshhips rather than assuming everyone isn't meeting your needs.

dimsum123 Thu 28-Feb-13 13:48:18

Sadandlovely me too. I've grown up and refuse to be treated badly. If anyone doesn't respect and value me (and my time) I'd rather not have a relationship with them. I cannot be friends with someone I no longer respect.

Like Little I also had a friend who was supposed to be my bridesmaid but let me down at the last minute because she had just broken up with her boyfriend and couldn't bear to come to my wedding and see me get married. Back then I was far more forgiving and remained friends with her. We are still in touch now but she is as selfish as ever. Calls me if she needs a shoulder to cry on but is never there for me when I need her.

Holly why on earth would I want to remain friends with such selfish and unreliable people such as the 'friend' above and the other friend I have mentioned who is also selfish and unreliable and has no conscience about her actions sometimes which I won't go into here.

I have learnt to value and respect myself and expect others to do the same. If it turns out that only DH meets my standards then so be it.

Charbon Thu 28-Feb-13 14:12:11

I don't think it's a bad thing to value yourself highly and not to put up with bad treatment, but there's a balance to be struck between that and having impossible-to-attain standards and an unwillingness to give new women a chance. It's also too much of a burden on a marriage if your husband is your only friend. What if it turns out that he has feet of clay too or some human faults that don't meet your standards? Will you dump him?

In a playground full of parents, there will be women who are worthy of befriending who might be lonely and just as in need of company. Especially women whose kids have just started at the school and are finding their feet. I do think your attitude towards women and friendship might need reviewing if you're going to make and keep friends.

dimsum123 Thu 28-Feb-13 15:48:03

My DH has his faults as do I but we treat each other with respect. Some faults I can tolerate others I won't.

I have quite a few mum friends but I don't consider them lifelong friendships at the moment. They may stand the test of time perhaps.

I'm ok about my lack of true friends. I am quite self sufficient and strong these days, not weak and needy like I used to be, willing to be treated badly rather than be alone.

It's no different to boyfriends. If he treats you badly and is disrespectful and thoughtless why stay with him?

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