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Am I asexual or something? (TMI)

(42 Posts)
togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 14:53:55

Regular here but namechanged because I'm embarrassed. Moldies, quiches, pombears, wolefs, I've been here a while.

DS is nearly 3 and I've been with DH for 6 years. He is a very attractive man, and I love the bones of him. I enjoy snuggling up with him, and we get on really, really well.

But tbh, our sex life has never really recovered after DS. We average about once a week, and I honestly wouldn't care at the moment if we never had sex again. That probably sounds really extreme, but I just feel that way right now. He asked me if everything was ok a few weeks ago, so I upped it to try and hit 3 times a week. I don't think it's fair for him to stay in a sexless marriage.

I don't not enjoy it; I just think 'meh' and don't get what the big deal is all about. I am capable of orgasm, and I do think it's nice. I just honestly, don't really care about it. I don't see all the fuss.

Am I asexual? Does anyone else get this? Will it go on forever?

Horsemad Tue 26-Feb-13 14:59:18

How old are you? Arre you stressed at all? Does your DH help around the house?

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 15:00:46

I am 26, only usual life stress and DH is 50% of everything, including childcare.

I have felt this way for some time now.

allaflutter Tue 26-Feb-13 15:05:06

So have you always felt like that? it's pretty much down to the individual hormonal balance, some people don't feel the need as much as others, I don't think you can do much about that, but interested to see what others will say.

I'm single and not that bothered (could have flings if I wanted to but no interest in sex per se) - but as I do want a relationship it does concern me how would that work if I'm meh about sex. I think for me it's getting towards the middle age, I used to be very sexual in my 20s-early 30s. I still fancy people but not bothered about 'jumping them' iykwim. If I loved a partner I would feel more but very on and off, I imagine.

allaflutter Tue 26-Feb-13 15:06:58

Another thing - are you on the Pill, OP? some types of Pill really change the said hormonal balance - it can increase or decrease libido. Try a diff one?

Horsemad Tue 26-Feb-13 15:10:20

Was it more frequent before you had DS?

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 15:12:15

allaflutter I actually came off the pill a month or two ago, to see if it was having an effect. We've been using condoms since, but I haven't noticed any real change.

Before DS, we used to have sex 3-4 times a week, maybe more.

But now? God, I'd rather read a good book and go to sleep. I just couldn't give a damn.

Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I think (more during foreplay) 'oh, just get off!'

God, I'm horrible sad

allaflutter Tue 26-Feb-13 15:18:49

well, if you were on Pill for many years it can take long than 2 months to stop affecting you. Can you actually pinpoint what made you excited before? was it the sort of having children? it's the case with some women that if they don't want (or no more) kids, they lose enthusasm, i.e. 'what's the purpose of this'. I've seen someone on MN confessing to this.
Obviously those with high libido just feel the pleasure/the urge much more.

allaflutter Tue 26-Feb-13 15:19:29

thought, not sort!

Horsemad Tue 26-Feb-13 15:19:29

You're not horrible!

Relationships go through phases and your libido will also fluctuate.
It is easy to get out of the habit though and sometimes the more you do it the more you want it - can't say that's been true in my case though!

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 15:28:10

I feel like I sound horrible sad

allaflutter you know, I'd never thought of it that way. I suppose perhaps that's a possibility? But that's quite a selfish thing to think, quite one sided?

I do enjoy orgasm, it does feel nice and I can reach it. I just don't get the 'that makes me want to do it again!' like I used to. I think 'that was nice' and move on.

Like I wouldn't eat a particular dish several times a week, just because I liked it, you know?

allaflutter Tue 26-Feb-13 15:47:23

it just sounds like low-ish libido, but it could be much worse i.e. never orgasming or wanting it. Though you do say you'd be happy to never have sex? It's not one-sided as such, your P could've been on same level (weekly isn't that little at all!) or even with a lower sex-drive, so that's the issue, compatibility. Maybe he can settle for once a week without hoping for more if you spelled it out? Is he genuinely higly sexual or is it because he feels he ought to have more sex? does he know you are happy with less - he may think you expect more.
If he IS resentful, you could try the usual methods - herbal remedies, doing more exercise, these help some people.

Toggle I feel EXACTLY the same. Poor DP is so lovely and would never get annoyed or even bring it up unless he was worried but I feel terrible because I worry that he thinks I don't fancy him. sad
We're going to start TTC again soon so maybe being off the pill for a while will help. Sorry I don't have anything else to add but I'll be watching for any other suggestions!

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 15:52:44

I think he's quite highly driven; says he finds me really attractive so it feels natural for him to want sex all the time. I think he does know I'm not as driven as he is.

At the moment, I'm going with the 'doing it more to want it more' plan.

I just feel that he shouldn't suffer for the way I'm feeling. I suppose half an hour of my time 3 times a week for something he is really into shouldn't be too much of a hardship.

I just suppose I feel a bit exasperated with it all today. Sometimes I get an irrational feeling of annoyance when he has an erection, I just think 'Oh, just go away!'

I know I'm being nasty, but I'd rather say it on here under a NC than say something to DH and hurt his feelings.

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 15:55:28

throughgrittedteeth Yes! That's it! Whenever sex dips a bit, or I just 'skip' foreplay to get it done so he's happy, DH gets upset and thinks I don't fancy him!

I DO! I really, really do! I love the bones of the man and would do anything for him.

I just can't be bothered with long, drawn out sex sessions. It isn't that it's boring, I just feel a bit exposed quite a lot tbh, even a bit squeamish like 'get off!' Foreplay really creeps me out sometimes, I'm just not able to get that into it, I feel really exposed and naked and conscious.

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 15:59:19

If you enjoyed sex before, it's unlikely you're asexual. It seems that you've simply lost your drive.

That doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you BTW, but it's good that you're seeking to address it before it causes any potential problems in your marriage. Just be aware that the solution is not always to have more sex just to appease the other partner.

First of all, how healthy are you? Diet and lifestyle can play a big role in libido. Loss of libido is a very common side-effect of hormonal contraception and it can take months to rebalance, so you may just find a little time is all that's needed.

You say you love the bones of your DH and that he's great with the DC and housework, etc., but what do you do just the two of you to keep that couple thing going? Do you have nights out alone without DC? Are you overly familiar with each other in some respects (which can, ironically, sometimes hinder intimacy rather than increase it)? Do you have your own interests so that you each have a part of your lives that is separate and leads to interesting conversations where there is a real desire to find out something that isn't just known from being in the relationship?

Are you generally happy with life? Sometimes a lack of feeling fulfilled or happy with yourself can lead to loss of libido.

Is there anything that you don't do as part of your sex life that would actually excite you? Maybe you could discuss this with your DH.

If all else fails and thinking about these issues doesn't present a solution, talk to your DH about it and ask for his input. However hurt he may feel at your loss of attraction to him, he'll be less hurt than if you are constantly rejecting him or if he feels you are going through the motions.

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:05:47

Hi dahlen I do feel I am quite healthy. I have an office job, but get out regularly. Healthy BMI, weight the same as before DS now. I follow a healthy diet, with plently of fresh foods.

DH and I go out regularly for meals alone; we have every Friday afternoon together, and I have an appointment tomorrow which I'll take the day off work for; DH will join me and we'll probably have lunch out etc.

I don't think we're overly familiar with each other; ie we don't go with the bathroom door open, or walk in whilst the other is taking a shower etc. I do agree that some things are private.

I am quite happy with life. I am changing jobs in the next 6 months; as is DH, but it is going to be a relatively smooth transition and because this whole thing has been going on a while; I just feel like that's probably not it.

I really try to make a conscious effort not to reject him, and put on an outward show of enthusiasm, and muster 3x oer week. Even if on the inside I'm thinking 'oh really? Again?'

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:16:36

Maybe you just need to give it some time then. It sounds as though there's nothing underlying it apart from maybe a hormonal balance.

When I came off hormonal contraception it took a long time before my body normalised. I didn't actually realise how badly it had affected me - in fact I thought I was one of the few who didn't have side-effects because I didn't gain weight, feel depressed, etc. It wasn't until I felt normal that I realised that I hadn't felt normal before. And what you're describing about looking at your partner and finding them attractive yet not experiencing desire is exactly what I felt. It took nearer 9 months for my body to return to normal.

I find it ironic that one of the ways the pill is effective is by robbing so many women of the desire to have sex. That's one way to prevent an unwanted pregnancy...

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:18:06

Do you ever feel any desire at all? Even if it's for a celebrity or a fictional character, etc. Is the loss of libido total or just for your DH at this current moment in time?

DizzyPurple Tue 26-Feb-13 16:18:07

Why do you feel it has to be 3x week to be normal? Because that's what dh wants? You have to find a path that's right for both of you. You sound good at making time to be together but it doesn't always have tobe about sex. We've had periods where things have fizzled to once a month which suited dh then but not really me but we worked through it and things improved. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to do what you perceive everyone else is doing and just see what happens. Once a week is good!

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:18:09

Perhaps I do dahlen, I don't know. I really, really hope it is that. Is it really that common for women to have these feelings on the pill?

I feel a bit the same - a bit "meh" and I get what you mean about doing the same thing again. I don't altogether see the attraction. Not sure I ever have that much. But probably feel more so now that I'm nearly 50 shock
Like Boy George I think it was who famously said he'd really rather have a cup of tea grin
I think maybe once a week if that's genuinely OK with you sounds more than generous !
I do think you might enjoy it slightly more if you weren't pushing yourself towards 3x a week. That sounds quite a lot to me given how you feel about things. HTH smile Here, and have a brew

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:20:21

It's about 1 in 6 women affected in this way I believe. If you google it you'll find lots of articles, but yes, it's very common.

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:21:05

See, I think once a week sounds really mean; DH seems to think that's hardly anything at all and I assumed he was justified because I suppose I assume everyone else is smashing it about 2-3x a week. Dont know why I think that, though... grin

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:22:10

juggling but you're nearly 50, so I feel like it's ok for you to feel that way?

I feel like I'm still young, I should be really going crazy and wanting it all the time sad

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:24:07

It could also be that perhaps he's just not very good and it's all a bit predictable? It certainly couldn't hurt to start trying to spice things up. You don't have to go down the bondage route or anything that makes you uncomfortable. Just giving your DH precise instructions as to what you like can be incredibly erotic, as can getting him to describe in great detail what he'd like to do to you.

But I agree that 3x a week (which is above average I think) is putting too much pressure on yourself while you're feeling like this. I'd drop it down and concentrate on quality rather than quantity while you're trying to work through this.

And I'd still suggest you talk to your DH about it. If you make it clear this is something going on with your body or mind rather than due to not fancying him, he should be happy to work with you on finding a solution rather than pressuring you.

SweetSeraphim Tue 26-Feb-13 16:25:42

You shouldn't be upping it to 3 times a week just because that's what HE wants. You need to find a middle ground. Once a week is perfectly normal you know!

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:26:22

dahlen but I don't know how to spice things up, maybe I'm rubbish?

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:27:58

If you can use the internet, you can find some ideas. Just be careful with your search terms or you may end up with more than you bargained for. wink

Alternatively, there are various books available on amazon or you could even see a sex therapist. It's no different from any other kind of therapist and isn't remotely sleazy.

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:28:50

I just worry sweet, that by denying him or rejecting him, that I might be being emotionally abusive towards him.

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:32:44

You could start by discussing your fantasies. If you feel embarrassed by that, tone them down a little and keep them simple rather than elaborate. Don't feel the need to act them out as this could actually make you feel rather silly, but just talking about them can add a frisson.

Dressing up is another way. Again, if this is totally out of normal for you, start by getting him to wear an outfit you've always found him particularly attractive in (e.g. a favourite shirt). Think about items of clothing that make you feel sexy. This probably won't be suspenders as many women feel self-conscious in them, but rather a favourite dress that you feel flatters your shape, etc.

Try having a meal together without wearing underwear.

Ban yourselves from having sex for, say, 2 weeks. Knowing that you can't have it takes the pressure off you, which can often increase desire.

Just a few ideas for starters. smile

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:34:10

Why would you feel that not having sex whenever someone else wants you to is emotionally abusive?

allaflutter Tue 26-Feb-13 16:36:46

why can't you talk like adults with DH? he seens a bit pouty and immature. You can just explain that you do fancy him a lot but your libido has taken a dip probably due to the Pill still wearing off. Surely he won't be upset or take it personally then?

As I mentioned, try exercise, esp yoga/pilates - it can stimulate the body out of sluggishness.

But really you are risking losing any desire if you make yourself tolerate sex, if you feel like 'get off' you really shouldn't be doing it - sometimes a ban for a few weeks really helps. By making yourself doing you risk resentment/aversion to build up, so be careful! If he is intelligent he should go along with the idea that less is more - it may increase your desire longer-=term!

togglebobble Tue 26-Feb-13 16:39:21

Because I feel continual rejection would be a bit abusive of me dahlen

allaflutter when I read my posts back, objectively, I do think you're right. I'll have a chat with him about it this week.

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:59:26

This is going to be hopelessly simplistic to make the point, but I think it needs looking at.

I desire my sister's car. I ask to borrow it three times a week. She turns me down. Is she abusive because she's ignoring my needs and as my sister and part of a loving family she should be more attentive to them?

Of course not. Because none of us have a right to something that isn't our own. And that includes someone else's body.

Access to your body is privilege, not a right. If you are unable to give it for whatever reason then your DH is entitled to decide whether he can cope with that and act accordingly, but that's as far as it goes. He has no right to expect you to have sex if you don't want it. Most loving partners will cope with a sex drought for some time before it starts causing problems, longer if it's due to reasons beyond their control (e.g. a medical problem) rather than simple loss of desire.

There is no such thing as right or wrong amount of sex to be having. Everyone's libido is different. Part of a relationship is finding a level that suits both partners. In cases of very mismatched libidos that can be a problem, but in cases where one partner would be happy with every other day while the other would be happy with every other week, the only acceptable solution is half way between the two. A compromise is only fair if it involves the same degree of compromise from both parties.

Right now, you're the one making all the effort. If your partner is pressuring you for sex, you could argue that it is more likely he is emotionally abusing you rather than you abusing him by rejecting his advances.

fullycaffeine Tue 26-Feb-13 17:35:47

At three times a week, I'd say he's luck, toggle! I'm having some difficulties at the moment, but if it's once a month in our house that's good going. I struggle with actually finding the time, energy and desire for it full stop - the kids changed things hugely. I think quality over quantity becomes more important as your relationship matures.

fullycaffeine Tue 26-Feb-13 17:35:57

lucky, I mean

Shootenanny Tue 26-Feb-13 17:49:33

I've always been a bit like this. I don't dislike sex, I just find it, a bit well, inefficient. If I want an orgasm there are much quicker ways to get the same result and touch wise I'd prefer a nice massage. grin

I have definite physical needs, but these relate to orgasm rather than any desire to have sex with someone else.

alittletime2 Tue 26-Feb-13 23:04:46

Feeling squeamish and 'get off me' during foreplay happens when you are not aroused enough to begin foreplay - in other words, when you don't want sex. This is your body telling you not to do it when you don't want to do it! Does your partner kiss and cuddle first, before other foreplay to get in the mood? Does he ever just kiss and cuddle if he is not wanting sex?
I've been where you are, and having sex that you don't want is going to upset you both more. Have a CHAT fgs! Could you agree to only have sex when you both really want it and see how it goes? You can be affectionate in between and you might rediscover your libido...

joblot Wed 27-Feb-13 07:44:40

3 times a week is a media myth. Have sex ONLY when you want it or its an awful chore. He doesn't need it, he's being unreasonable in my opinion

Iggly Wed 27-Feb-13 07:52:07

I feel like this but is because I feel differently about my body since having had the DC. I don't like it much. I also feel like a mum too! And tired, so very tired.

Horsemad Wed 27-Feb-13 08:44:52

Agree Iggly . I found it hard to switch between mum and seductress! grin

Plus I was shattered constantly when DC were little.

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